Crabbie's Hollywood

I Mean It This Time

2009-11-13T12:31:00.001-05:00

This time there's no foolin' and no going back...this blog is over. Thanks to everyone who came by the last three years and hopefully got a chuckle. Now check out my new blog over here.

And Towelhead Baby Makes 7

2009-11-11T14:38:00.003-05:00

Angelina and Brad recently took a trip to Syria to visit refugees displaced by the Iraq conflict. Angie evidently saw something she liked because it's being reported that she has begun the process of adopting one of the poor sunburned victims of George Bush's illegal oil war.

Ah, but this deal isn't going down as smoothly as the last few adoptions/births. Sources say Brad was against adding a 7th kid to the brood, and Angie went ahead without him. People with knowledge of the situation say only Angelina's name is on the adoption papers.

Numerous questions arise in the wake of this news. 1: What color is an Iraqi refugee baby officially and how does this affect the legendary balance? 2: How long before Brad putters off on his motorcycle to find a piece of ass who isn't a deranged baby hoarder? 3: At what point does Shiloh begin her bid to become legally emancipated? 4: How will Octomom react to this shocking news? For that matter, how will Balloon Boy react? 5: When will I stop repeating these silly, unfounded rumors as if they were fact?

Mad Maniston

2009-11-11T13:53:00.003-05:00

Among other things, Matt Weiner's critically acclaimed Mad Men has been a boon to previously obscure actresses like Elisabeth Moss, Christina Hendricks and January Jones. Whatever you think of Weiner's show, there's no question he conceives interesting female roles, and casts the right women in the parts.

Now, an actress who is not obscure but also ain't exactly on top of the heap artistically is about to find out if she can receive a bump from Weiner and his magic pen. If you can see the picture above, then you've already figured out who I'm talking about.

Yes, Jennifer Aniston is set to star in a new project by Matt Weiner. No it is not a TV show. It is instead an indie-level romantic comedy he wrote years ago and is expending some of his Mad Men juice to get made. Aniston will star alongside alleged former partner Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifanakis, with whom she has not been romantically linked as far as I know.

I don't know if this movie will be any good. I do know that Matt Weiner's name will always get me to go see the movie. Even if the name Jennifer Aniston makes me to run screaming in the other direction.

Silver Getting A Piece Of The Rock

2009-11-10T15:27:00.004-05:00

Offering further proof that there is no such thing as a comic book too lame for Hollywood to adapt into a movie, mega-producer Joel Silver is looking to live-actionize Sgt. Rock.

Actually, Silver has been looking to get a piece of Sgt. Rock for awhile, but was hesitant to gamble on a WWII-era period film in a time when most people don't realize history goes back more than four weeks. But Silver has licked that problem in classic Hollywood style: by changing the setting from WWII to The Future.

Not sure exactly how this change will be accomplished. Perhaps they will just entirely ignore the Sgt. Rock I vaguely remember from the dentist's waiting room when I was a kid and pretend it's always been set in The Future. Or maybe they'll have Sgt. Rock discover a Nazi time machine that zaps him ahead a couple hundred years.

Or maybe some Romulans will come through a time portal and change history so Sgt. Rock is turned into a cyborg who is then deep-frozen and wakes up like Luke Wilson in a future so stupid people think you have to water crops with Gatorade. I'd actually pay to see that.

Hollywood Lamewads Back Away

2009-11-10T11:38:00.004-05:00

Steven Spielberg and Will Smith had been planning to profane Chan-wook Park's classic revenge film Oldboy ("Yes, animals were harmed or killed during the making of this film") by doing a Hollywoodized remake (think lots less really graphic violence, lots more standard Smith watered-down street punk jive) but the deal has now fallen apart.

This is good news for those who hate Spielberg and Smith and all they stand for, but bad news for fans of the original who had been looking forward to that exquisite arthouse-snot moment when they got to verbally destroy their lame friend who never saw the Korean version but just looooooooved when that cutie Will Smith beat up all those bad guys.

Aronofsky Helps Another Plastic Surgery Victim

2009-11-09T15:17:00.005-05:00

Darren Aronofsky has a soft spot in his heart for victims of bad plastic surgery. He helped resurrect freakface Mickey Rourke's career by casting him in The Wrestler, and now he has plucked Barbara Hershey from the realm of the forgotten and dropped the Jocelyn Wildenstein wannabe into the mix for his forthcoming ballet-centered thriller Black Swan.

I can't tell who who or what Hershey will be playing, but I can tell you that Black Swan concerns a ballerina, played by veggie queen Natalie Portman, who has issues with a dancing rival played by Mila Kunis. Various sources indicate that Aronofsky might be going the twisted Fight Club route here...by having Kunis's character exist only in Portman's imagination.

Those of us who hoped The Wrestler marked a turn away from the fanciful and jack-offy for the talented Aronofsky are apparently in for a disappointment. He can make up for it by having Hershey staple something to herself.

Goodbye Sterling-Coop

2009-11-09T14:16:00.003-05:00

Mad Men is over for another season. The final episode ended with Betty on her way to Reno to get a divorce from Don and the major players of the Sterling-Cooper gang breaking away from the old, soon-to-be-sold-off firm to form their own new agency from scratch. As Don's fake family continued its disintegration, his real family escaped being scattered to the wind, and actually came together stronger than ever.

I'm not going to lie: I teared up a little when Don and Roger said goodbye to the Sterling-Cooper offices. Never again will they, or we, gaze upon that glorious wood paneling, those oft-slammed pastel-colored doors, that sexual-liaison-obscuring translucent glass.

So many memories: The wild election night party when Harry fucked Hildy, and someone puked in Peggy's garbage pail. Pete fucking Peggy on the couch. That British twat getting his foot cut off by the John Deere. Don paying the elevator guy to pretend the lift was out so he and Roger had to walk up all those stairs and Roger puked and almost had a heart attack. Roger having a heart attack while fucking that twin.

So much fucking. So much puking. So much blood. So long, Sterling-Coop.

Crabbie's Random Retro Movie: Cinema Paradiso

2009-11-08T17:02:00.003-05:00

If I were Roger Ebert or some other twatty critic, I would describe Cinema Paradiso as Giuseppe Tornatore's valentine to the movies. I would discuss how the film is steeped in a child-like love of cinema that warms our hearts and refreshes our souls and makes our gall bladders purr like kittens that just had a nice bowl of warm milk and crawled off to a corner for a snooze. I would mention how nostalgic and bittersweet the movie is, and broadly comic and irreverent, and romantic at times and wistful and all the rest of those nice critic-friendly adjectives.

I might make passing mention of the kids fapping to Brigitte Bardot or the whore who has set up shop in the back of the theater for when people get bored of the latest Visconti meditation on the shittiness of the human condition. By way of adding color.

Because I'm me, I'm going to start with the fapping kids and ignore the nostalgia. Cause nostalgia is for weenies, and thankfully Cinema Paradiso, though fairly reeking of the n-stuff, has enough other tones going on to keep you from wanting to gag as if you were watching an episode of The Wonder Years. I like the fapping kids, and I'll tell you why: because their inclusion demonstrates a willingness to be frank about certain human tendencies, and this frankness is what makes Cinema Paradiso so damn adorable.

Yes, adorable. Not heart-wrenching or soul-stirring or any of that other jive. But cute. Like when teenage Toto breaks into the confession booth so he can have a few moments alone with his would-be lady love Elena. I like good old-fashioned sacrilege, especially when it's not laid on too thick. I like a movie that can portray a priest as a silly old fuddy-duddy without putting too fine a point on it (he's an asshole, but he means well). I like any flick that allows a pre-teen actor to smoke, flip people the bird and leer at slides of Rita Hayworth.

Were I to choose an adjective that sums up Cinema Paradiso, that adjective would be "life-embracing." It is also faintly mystical, but it's an earned mysticism, not the residue of mumbo-jumbo. It's a mysticism of movie images reflected via mirror onto giant outdoor walls, a lovelorn kid reclining next to the water in complete dereliction of duty, boats and sand and all that European shit. There's also a lot of comic child abuse, and comic child abuse never fails.

Mild Amusement

2009-11-08T16:46:00.003-05:00

I got a small chuckle out of this Twilight parody trailer starring Taylor Swift as K-Stew (Swift wishes) and some SNL dude as Robert Pattinson if he were Frankenstein instead of a vampire. The afraid-of-fire thing is a retread of that old Phil Hartman Frankenstein bit, but, SNL recycling its own crap is nothing new, so...

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3

2009-11-08T12:29:00.006-05:00

I vaguely remember the original Taking of Pelham One Two Three. It was one of those gritty '70s thrillers that flooded the world in the wake of The French Connection. It starred Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. There was a subway train. Some guff about passengers being kidnapped for ransom. Walter Matthau wasn't being funny like in The Odd Couple.

Fast-forward to this year. Pelham One Two Three is once again being taken, but this time it's Pelham 1 2 3 (the fewer words people have to read, the better). Walter Matthau is Denzel Washington. Robert Shaw is John Travolta. There's still a subway. Same guff about people being kidnapped for ransom. Only now, instead of that character-centric '70s grit, there's a bunch of Tony Scott histrionics (complete with shoehorned-in car chase, for the big droolers in the crowd) and Travolta doing his me-so-bad-ass routine (which was already old in Face/Off). Thank goodness for Denzel Washington and his patented authenticity. And a script that has been thought about just enough to make you not feel entirely insulted. Except for the ending, which I won't get into.

Another upgrade from the days of Pelham One Two Three: there's lots more bright, blinky, flashy stuff. Computers. Cell phones. A subway control center modeled after the war room in Dr. Strangelove. What did criminals do before WiFi? Shoved heaters in people's guts and told them to put 'em up, I guess.

Paltrow To Play Kidman's Wife

2009-11-07T11:36:00.002-05:00

Gwyneth Paltrow is putting her quest to become the next Martha Stewart on hold long enough to portray the wife of post-op transsexual Nicole Kidman in Tomas Alfredson's The Danish Girl.

Yes, Nicole Kidman as a tranny (typecasting if I ever saw it) and Gwyneth Paltrow as his/her wife. Charlize Theron was originally going to play the wife, but she must've realized that playing anything opposite Kidman as a tranny had second-fiddle written all over it.

Paltrow, on the other hand, doesn't mind playing second-fiddle to Nicole Kidman. Or fourth-fiddle to Robert Downey, Mickey Rourke and Scarlett Johansson as she will be doing in Iron Man 2.

One thing's for sure: when Gwyneth shows up on the set, she will have a clean colon.

Highsmith Again

2009-11-06T14:54:00.004-05:00

25 years after Claude Chabrol's dull-as-dirt version, Patricia Highsmith's novel The Cry of the Owl is making its way back to movie screens.

The new adaptation will star Julia Stiles as the wack-job attracted to peeping tom Paddy Considine. Thankfully, Anthony Minghella is in his grave and therefore cannot be hired to ruin this movie the same way he ruined Highsmith's The Talented Mr. Ripley, a terse and enigmatic book that Minghella managed to turn into a pretty, brainless travelogue of Italy.

Chuck Berry once said, "Beware middlebrows with guitars." I saw, "Beware middlebrows with movie cameras, especially when they don't understand down-and-dirty, reportage-style pulp storytelling."

Ghost Rider Non-Reboot

2009-11-06T11:18:00.000-05:00

I can't imagine why anyone would think a sequel to Ghost Rider was a good idea. Nevertheless, a Ghost Rider 2 is being made, and Nicolas Cage is on for the title role.

According to writer David Goyer, the new film will represent a shift in tone away from pure comic book mayhem to something "darker" and "more realistic." But, says Goyer, "It's not exactly a reboot."

Perhaps raising the bar of expectations higher than someone should who is working on a sequel to a movie everyone thinks is crap, Goyer adds, "What Casino Royale was to the Bond movies, hopefully this will be to Ghost Rider."

Or, maybe trying to make a movie about a dude with a flaming skull for a head who rides around on a motorcycle is just a bad idea pure and simple?

More Guttenberg

2009-11-04T18:57:00.004-05:00

In my capacity as your #1 source for Steve Guttenberg movie news, I am obligated to inform you that, 19 years after Mr. Guttenberg and his buddies Tom Selleck and Ted Danson delighted us with Three Men and a Little Lady, the sequel to their smash hit Three Men and a Baby, Disney is at last fulfilling our wishes by developing a third Three Men and a... film.

At least according to Steve Guttenberg.

"That's going to be a smash. A smash hit," Guttenberg said of the as-yet-unnamed film. "They're bringing everybody back for that. Nobody knows about it. I'm the first to talk about it."

Now, I'm sure there are those who think reviving this particular franchise is an absurd idea, but these people are wrong. These people do not realize that, right now, there is nothing bigger than '80s nostalgia. From Michael Jackson to Rambo to Mad Max, it's all about digging up '80s icons, dusting them off and squeezing out every dime you can before the '80s sentimentalists die of swine flu or become too senile to remember how much they loved Dolph Lundgren when they were 25 and too drunk to know better.

The Disney people may be crass and exploitative, but they are not stupid. They know a good property when they see one. They know people are yearning for a return to a more innocent time, a time when the names Guttenberg, Selleck and Danson meant box-office gold. And, since the girl in Three Men and a Little Lady would be roughly in her mid-twenties right now, they have a ready-made property for Ashley Tisdale (who, despite being in all those High School Musical movies, is actually 24).

This is not only a good idea, it is a great idea. It is a movie that has to be made. It is exactly the thing Steve Guttenberg needs, so he can finally get his stuff out of hock.

A Dash Of Salt (That's Why I'm The Best)

2009-11-04T15:19:00.001-05:00

A Russian-language trailer for Angelina Jolie's forthcoming thriller Salt has bubbled up from the great frothing mire of the internet. Yes, this is the movie that was supposed to star Tom Cruise until someone decided the story would be better if the lead character had a vagina and a pair of juicy tatas. Tom doesn't have juicy tatas.

Can't Stop Riding The Getty Train

2009-11-04T14:58:00.002-05:00

I guess Balthazar Getty is done messing around with Lindsay Lohan, because he has been spotted going out for manicures and massages with Sienna Miller.

I suppose it's possible for a guy to go out for manicures and massages with his friend who happens to be a smoking hot female movie star without it being a sign that they are in a sexual relationship. And it's also possible that a gold-shitting unicorn ridden by a Keebler elf could come crashing through my door at any moment.

(I know I said I'd restrict all gossipy items to A-listers from now on, but I'm making an exception for Sienna and Balthazar)

From Stud To Duds

2009-11-04T14:04:00.003-05:00

Studmuffin Hugh Jackman has been booted as Oscar host after one year, and will be replaced by banjo-playing grandpa Steve Martin and crazed liberal child-verbal-abuser Alec Baldwin.

"We think the team of Steve and Alec are the perfect pair of hosts for the Oscars," said show producers in a statement. "Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event."

Fresh personality? How about psychotic personality? Is there any chance of Baldwin getting through the event without going off on Bill O'Reilly and/or ex-wife Kim Basinger?

Actually, that could be entertaining. Not the rant itself but the sight of Baldwin's head getting purpler and purpler and the foam spewing out of his mouth. And him clutching his chest and collapsing into a twitching heap on the stage.

And Steve Martin distracting everyone from Baldwin's myocardial infarction by breaking into a banjo solo.

Eh...I'd still rather just look at Hugh.

Joss Whedon Writes A Mean Open Letter

2009-11-03T13:39:00.002-05:00

The owners of the rights to The Terminator have expressed their desire to sell that particular franchise (it was probably worth more before Terminator: Salvation came along). And lo and behold, they already have one prospective bidder: geek-auteur Joss Whedon, who expressed his interest in purchasing the moribund film property via an amusing open letter which I will now reprint:

An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners. From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul

Dear Sirs/Ma'ams,

I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where 'hood' was capitalized 'cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the 'grapevine' that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.

No, you didn't miscount. That's four -- FOUR! -- zeroes after that one. That's to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, here's what I have to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please don't ever notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our culture -- and my pretend play -- as any I can think of. It's far from over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what I could do with that franchise:

1) Terminator... of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO far... back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? "Now you gonna be Gandalf the Red!" RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because he's a cyborg and he doesn't give a s#&% about the ring -- it has no power over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some orcs while he's doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).

2) More Glau. Hey. There's a reason they're called "Summer" movies.

3) Can you say... musical? Well don't. Even I know that's an awful idea.

4) Christian Bale's John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)

5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main objective in going to the past was to get some. What if there's a lot of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar -- and dollar signs!

6) The movies will stop getting less cool.

Okay. There's more -- this brain don't quit! (though it has occasionally been fired) -- but I think you get my drift. I really believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and I'd like to shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than any other movie in college, including "Song of Norway" (no current franchise offer). Sincerely, Joss Whedon.

Wow. Joss Whedon just went up a tiny notch in my esteem. I may now even endeavor to see one of his movies or watch one of his TV shows. Soon as I get done weaving my belly-button lint into yarn.

More Garbage In the Pipeline

2009-11-03T12:18:00.001-05:00

Sin City, besides being one of those obnoxiously over-designed green screen monstrosities, was also vilely misogynistic and frankly childish in its psycho-sadist comic book drone view of the universe. And now there's going to be a sequel!

The news came straight from producer Stephen L'Heureux, who said the movie will go into production in early 2010. And by "production" I mean, well-known actors will stand in front of a big green wall reciting horrible overcooked dialogue while geeks with computers sit in some dark room creating a jack-off noir-graphic-novel universe to pin said actors against like helpless insects.

The bundle of pure newborn-puppy-like joy will come to movie screens some time in 2011.

Sand, Jake Gyllenhaal's Hair, Sand

2009-11-03T11:07:00.001-05:00

A trailer is up for Jake Gyllenhaal's Prince of Persia: Pretty Eyes and Long Hair Make Us Happy in the Place We're Not Supposed to Touch. It's Disney, so, it will only be sneaky-dirty, not flat-out like we want.

Blair Witch Revisit

2009-11-03T09:53:00.003-05:00

Eduardo Sanchez, one of the makers of the original Blair Witch Project, says that after years of trying to escape being "the guy who made Blair Witch," he is ready to embrace his crappy-horror-movie legacy and do a Blair Witch 3.

If only someone will let him.

To that end, Sanchez says that he and co-BWP-creator Daniel Myrick have walked the old Blair Witch grounds seeking inspiration, and come up with something they're ready to sell.

"We're at the step where we're about to pitch to Lionsgate, which owns the movie rights now," Sanchez said. "It's pretty much up to them. They can completely squash it or greenlight it."

In the wake of Paranormal Activity aka Blair Witch 2009, Sanchez and Myrick probably feel now is the perfect time to revisit the one good idea they ever had, and try to resuscitate their careers.

I say I would rather drink a giant mug of paint thinner and chase it with liquefied rat dung than sit through another 90 minutes of bad actors blowing snot into a hand-held camera being operated by a palsy victim. But that's just me. And most of the world.

Pissed Off At Mad Men

2009-11-02T17:08:00.002-05:00

Some goofy British fucker is pissed off at Mad Men for what he claims is an inaccurate depiction of the company London Fog, which featured in an early Season 3 episode.

The fucker says Mad Men is wrong to say that London Fog was a failing company in the early '60s, and is way wrong when it shows Sterling-Cooper solving their image problem by releasing a sexy advert starring a nude model.

Fucker also says that the advertising industry was not moribund in the early '60s, as the show suggests, but was in fact vibrant and alive. The man criticizes the show for showing ad men as "dinosaurs trapped in the '50s."

Dear fucker: Congratulations, you got the point of the show. That Don Draper and Roger Sterling and everyone else are still stuck in the '50s, and that Sterling-Cooper is a dying operation compared to other, more chic and modern ad agencies.

Dear fucker continued: The show uses its depiction of the past to comment on the present, hence the poetic license. Someone find this idiot and slap him around for me, 'kay?

By the way, last night's episode: Totally shocked when the dude shot Oswald. Didn't see that coming at all. That's why the Mad Men writers ROCK.

This Will Not Be On My Bucket List

2009-11-02T13:56:00.004-05:00

Warners is scheming to get Bucket List stars Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson back together for another sure pot o' geriatric comedy gold. They already have a script, called "Dirty Old Men," and have Freeman all signed up. The story would apparently star Nicholson as an aging playboy (typecasting) and Freeman as his old pal who tries to break up his new romance (with Evan Rachel Wood, probably.).

Way up high on the list of things I never saw coming is "Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman become the new Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor."

Keep Your Eyes On The Money Nic

2009-11-01T11:29:00.004-05:00

Nicolas Cage has made millions of dollars over the years starring in cinematic masterpieces like Ghost Rider and The Wicker Man. Nevertheless, as we speak, Nicolas Cage finds himself facing bankruptcy and a possible ass-whupping by the IRS.

And how exactly does one of the most successful movie stars in the world end up in such dire straits? It's simple. He hired someone else to watch his money, then didn't watch the guy he hired to watch his money.

The guy, business advisor Samuel Levin, is now being sued by Cage for "[lining] his pockets with several million dollars in business management fees while sending Cage down a path toward financial ruin."

"Financial ruin" in this case means a reported $20 million in losses, including $6 million owed to the IRS and $5 million in mortgage debt. He needs to get on the horn with the tax relief specialists, stat.

Actually, Cage has already begun the process of trying to restore his financial standing. He has sold off assets including his comic book collection and Bavarian castle.

Imagine, a man with a $2 million comic book collection and his own personal Bavarian castle being irresponsible with money.

Sadly, Nic Cage has no one to blame for this but himself. Nic Cage wanted to live a life free from responsibility and care. Nic Cage wanted to blow bucks on silly things and not worry about all that messy financial reality. Nic Cage wanted to read his comic books, have his friends over to his Bavarian castle, marry Elvis's daughter and basically stay 14 forever.

And - surprise, surprise - some unscrupulous person came along, realized what an easy mark the devil-may-care Nic Cage would be, and took him for all he could get.

Let this be a warning to all you big-shot movie stars who don't want to deal with all that irritating paper work and legal stuff: there are people who will pretend to want to help you, but they actually want to screw you. Yes, it's true - sometimes when people flatter you and kiss your ass, they are only trying to get in with you so they can rip you off. They don't actually mean all the compliments.

Poor Nic Cage. Poor dumb, self-involved bastard.

Broadway Producers To Disabled Advocates: You Don't Get Show-Biz

2009-10-30T19:24:00.003-04:00

Broadway producers looking to make bank with a revival of The Miracle Worker, the story of Helen Keller and her teacher Anne Sullivan, were understandably excited when they announced they had landed Little Miss Sunshine star Abigail Breslin for the all-important role of Helen the quick-tempered deaf and blind girl.

Sounds like great casting, right?. Correct age. Big talent. Box-office draw.

Not so much say disabled advocates who think a deaf or blind actress should've been given a shot at the part.

"We do not think it's OK for reputable producers to cast this lead role without seriously considering an actress from our community," said Sharon Jensen of the Alliance for Inclusion in the Arts.

Hmm...maybe. But, producers had a point too when they shot back with the old "we're trying to make a buck here, hon" argument.

"It's simply naïve to think that in this day and age, you'll be able to sell tickets to a play revival solely on the potential of the production to be a great show or on the potential for an unknown actress to give a breakthrough performance," said David Richtenthal. "I would consider it financially irresponsible to approach a major revival without making a serious effort to get a star."

All due respect to the Alliance for Inclusion in the Arts and their noble cause, but, game, set, match Broadway phony. It's hard enough getting a play off the ground in good financial times. Try doing it during a recession.

You blind and deaf folks may know all about not being able to see or hear, but you don't know shit about the realities of casting for Broadway. Plus, it's not like it's that hard to play deaf and blind. Abigail can do it with her eyes closed and her ears plugged.

Er...

Ewoks Go Crazy On Today Show

2009-10-30T17:56:00.002-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The Ewok behavior displayed on The Today Show this morning is being characterized as "drunken," but this is totally false. I happen to know for a fact that real drunken Ewok behavior is far, far worse.

Without getting into too many gross details...well, let's just say, you haven't lived until you've tried to wash shit out of Ewok fur.

Hopkins Odin

2009-10-30T15:29:00.003-04:00

Anthony Hopkins will play Odin to Chris Hemsworth's Thor in the upcoming Kenneth Branagh-helmed adaptation of the Thor comic, reports The Hollywood Reporter's Heat Vision.

Jude Law, Samuel L. Jackson and Robert De Niro are also listed as cast-members on the film's IMDb page. Whether they will all end up in the movie, which isn't slated for release until 2011, is something only Odin or some other supernatural being could know.

For those not familiar with Norse mythology, Thor is a big dude with an axe - or maybe a hammer - who dresses like an Olsen twin and dispenses justice...or maybe just randomly hits people with his axe or hammer, I don't really know.

Okay, I admit, I'm not familiar with Norse mythology either. No one is, except someone who studied it in college, or read a lot of comic books.

I am, however, familiar with the films of Kenneth Branagh. They tend to be a tad overwrought and the actors tend to spit a lot. Which means Thor will probably be big and loud and sucky, but with lots of British accents and spitting.

The accents and spitting may be enough to fool some people into thinking they're seeing something better than Bloodrayne 2.

Keeping Up Appearances

2009-10-29T19:24:00.004-04:00

Jessica Biel is interrupting her successful career as the chick with the great ass who's sleeping with Justin Timberlake to tackle a role in the comedy Fucking Engaged.

Yes, that's the title, Fucking Engaged. Or, F*****g Engaged, by the time the swear-police get done with it.

Not surprisingly, the film is described as a "raunchy comedy." In it, Biel will play an engaged woman who makes a pact with her man to have sex every day until they get married.

Basically, it's a thumb in the eye of traditionalists who think young people should save themselves for after they've officially thrown their lives away by becoming hitched.

Honestly, I don't know why Biel bothers. She can't act. Her movies are awful. She is more famous for having her picture taken than she will ever be for anything she does on the big screen.

She is basically a better-behaved, less-drug-addled, not-prematurely-aging Lindsay Lohan. In other words, irrelevant.

Ridley Scott Talks About Alien Prequel, Says Little

2009-10-29T15:56:00.003-04:00

By now most of you know that Ridley Scott is planning on adding to the endless list of Alien follow-ups by doing a prequel to the original film. Those who care about such things have been on pins-and-needles waiting for Ridley to reveal details about the new film.

Well, you don't have to wait anymore, because Ridley has spoken.

Actually, even though Ridley has spoken, you still have to wait. Ridley may have moved his lips in the interview but not a lot came out to clarify what exactly this movie is going to be.

"It’s a brand new box of tricks," Ridley told Empire Magazine. "We know what the road map is, and the screenplay is now being put on paper. The prequel will be a while ago. It’s very difficult to put a year on Alien, but [for example] if Alien was towards the end of this century, then the prequel story will take place thirty years prior."

So here's what we know: The movie will take place at some point in time prior to the original. And the screenplay is being written on paper.

And I'm guessing there will be extra-terrestrial lifeforms of some sort. The kind that like hatching from a random character actor's stomach and growing large and mean so they can kill more character actors.

I'm down with it, as long as Winona Ryder doesn't show up.

Mulligan, Beautiful, Fantastic

2009-10-29T15:05:00.003-04:00

Carey Mulligan is sure to get an Oscar nomination for her performance in An Education. She has all the old horndog movie critics drooling over her combination of talent and pixie sex appeal. She is fucking Shia LaBoof. She is just about the hottest thing right now in the world of movies you have to wait to see on DVD because the local Multiplex needs those screens for extra showings of whatever loud piece of shit Michael Bay has out.

And now she has landed a role in The Beautiful Fantastic alongside Tom Wilkinson.

ScreenDaily.com describes The Beautiful Fantastic as a modern fairy tale in the vein of Amelie. Since I hated Amelie with a passion that cannot be described with mere words, I think I will be skipping this.

Unless, when I finally see An Education, I become as entranced by Ms. Mulligan as everyone else.

Jacko Boffo

2009-10-29T14:17:00.005-04:00

The Michael Jackson documentary This is It grossed $20.7 million worldwide in its first day of release, vindicating Sony's decision to send out 15,000 prints, and proving that people's morbid fascination with recently-deceased stars can indeed translate into box office.

Somebody should start following Mickey Rourke around with a camera. Like now.

Personally, I wouldn't see the Jacko movie even if I were tied into some Clockwork Orange contraption that held my eyes open. I would make myself leave my body the same way the Playboy bunnies do when they have to climb in the sack with shriveled Hefner.

Sorry, but slick pedophile apologia isn't my bag.

Betty Draper And Nic Cage?

2009-10-29T11:03:00.002-04:00

Mad Men star and pro-shark activist January Jones has joined the cast of the Nicolas Cage thriller The Hungry Rabbit Jumps. The story, according to The Hollywood Reporter, concerns a man who hires a vigilante group to avenge the terrible crime committed against his wife. Naturally, the man lives to regret hiring the vigilante group.

Like I always say, if you've got a terrible crime committed against your wife to avenge, do it yourself, or pay a down-and-out relative to do it. Vigilante groups are nothing but trouble.

January, as you may already have guessed, will be playing the wife against whom the terrible crime is committed. Sadly, the movie is not set in the '60s, so January won't get to wear any of those awesome Betty Draper clothes.

I love January on Mad Men and I'm glad to see her getting juicy Hollywood parts, but I'm not sure hitching your wagon to Nic Cage's star is the best move right about now. The term "death spiral" comes to mind when pondering his recent career.

Peter Berg Comes To His Senses About That Whole Dune Thing

2009-10-29T10:55:00.001-04:00

When I first heard that Hancock and The Kingdom director Peter Berg wanted to do yet another adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune, I thought to myself, "Why the hell does Hancock and The Kingdom director Peter Berg want to do yet another adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune? Weren't the terrible David Lynch movie and the TV miniseries I never watched enough?"

As further proof that, eventually, everyone comes around to the Crabster's way of thinking, Peter Berg has seen the silliness of doing another Dune and dropped out of the project.

Perhaps even Universal will finally catch up with me and Peter Berg and realize that no one wants to see this movie. Or maybe they'll do the crazy thing and let Alejandro Jodorowsky at last do the version of Herbert's novel he dreamed of making in the '70s. With a lifesized Salvador Dali puppet as the Emperor.

Invictus Trailer

2009-10-28T17:34:00.003-04:00

Here's a trailer for Clint Eastwood's Oscar-bait entry for the year, Invictus. It sounds like it should involve Centurions and people buggering each other in bathhouses but it's actually about Nelson Mandela and some rugby player. Anyone else miss the good old days when Clint directed himself in corny movies about orangutans and country singers?

No Guttenberg, No Go

2009-10-27T14:56:00.004-04:00

If you grew up in the '80s, you probably saw the movie Short Circuit about 50 times. Everyone loved that movie back then. Yes it had Steve Guttenberg, a sure sign of major suckage, but it also had a robot that got hit by lightning and came to life. That kind of awesomeness makes up for 100 Guttenbergs, and Ally Sheedy and Fisher Stevens.

Well, as further proof that all our childhood memories must be trashed by crass Hollywood assholes, Dimension is now doing a remake of Short Circuit, and they are hiring the guy who directed Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Why not just shove a knitting needle in my penis, Dimension Pictures? It would be less painful than watching your Guttenbergless Short Circuit "reboot" starring a CGI Johnny 5 - everyone knows clangy remote-control robots are way cooler than computer-generated ones - and directed by the same fucker who guided Kevin James through a comedy beloved by those who can't get enough of Larry the Cable Guy.

Shoveling Dirt On Rocky 7 Rumor

2009-10-27T14:23:00.003-04:00

A rumor started making the rounds yesterday that Sylvester Stallone was contemplating a seventh Rocky film. The whole thing got started, evidently, because of a quote in a German newspaper taken from a Stallone interview. Only problem: The interview was from 3 years ago, and the Rocky movie Stallone was discussing was actually his last one, Rocky Balboa.

Thank you to Ain't it Cool News and Stallone's publicist for shooting down this horrifying rumor. Rocky 7? I need that like I need more boils on my ass.

Matt Damon Likes Saddle Sores And Dirt In His Mouth

2009-10-27T11:03:00.000-04:00

Variety says Matt Damon will jump aboard the Coen Brothers' True Grit alongside Jeff Bridges and Josh Brolin. Bridges will play Rooster Cogburn, the role made famous by John Wayne in the original True Grit, while Damon plays the lawman La Boeuf (casting Shia would've been too obvious plus he's way too much of a pansy for a Coen Brothers Western).

By the way, this is not a remake of the John Wayne movie. It is a completely new adaptation of the book upon which that movie was based. So don't go calling it a fucking remake or I will have to shoot you in the fucking head with an air gun designed for killing cattle.

Coen Brothers plus dusty macho guys last equaled No Country for Old Men, so this has a chance to be pretty good though horribly grim and depressing.

Plague

2009-10-26T21:56:00.003-04:00

A certain amount of outrage has been voiced over Miley Cyrus's 9-year-old sister Noah donning the above outfit and appearing in public. Frankly, I've come to expect such flouting of all the rules of decency and am no longer shocked. I'd rather focus on the fact that Noah Cyrus even exists and is apparently already being shoved into the limelight by her disgusting, money-hungry parents. One Cyrus skank polluting the mass media waters is already too many; a second is an affront to the cosmos.

And who the hell names a girl child Noah anyway? That's a name for a godly ark-builder in a silly old Jewish parable, or a character in The Grapes of Wrath who has his brain squashed by his own father at birth and winds up falling in love with a river.

I'm Sure This Will Hurt Emmerich's Box Office

2009-10-26T16:02:00.003-04:00

Roland Emmerich's 2012 looks all kind of brainless CGI-laden awesome (despite that pinhead John Cusack). Unfortunately, according to an increasing number of reputable scientists and mathematicians, the Mayan prophecy at the center of the whole premise actually points to 2220 as the target year for universal annihilation, and not 2012 as Mr. Emmerich and a host of nutbag bunker-dwellers assert.

The question now is, what the hell am I going to do with all these batteries and cans of Spam? Think The Salvation Army will take them in lieu of a donation to the bell-ringing Santa Claus outside of Wal-Mart?

Woody's New (Scarlett-less) Flick Has A Title

2009-10-26T15:28:00.007-04:00

I've lost track of how many movies Woody Allen has made in his long, increasingly-less-interesting career. The last one he finished, Whatever Works, is currently wending its way to my residence courtesy of Netflix. His next to go before the lens will be entitled You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger will concern the "tangled love-lives" of a crazy family, and will star Antonio Banderas, Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins and Naomi Watts. Even for Woody Allen, that's a wacky cast.

Note that, like Whatever Works, the new film will lack the presence of one Scarlett Johansson. Woody's former muse has not gotten any work from him since she went all diva and was left behind by the Vicky Cristina Barcelona Cannes contingent. Woody said then that he was "disappointed" in Scarlett. I guess the rift between them is permanent.

Aw darn.

Change Of Direction

2009-10-26T15:08:00.002-04:00

Crabbie's Hollywood has always been a celeb gossip blog first and everything else second. But, lately I have grown as a person, and am no longer particularly interested in or amused by the hijinks of the Jon and Kate Gosselins of the world, a fact that has been reflected in the diminished number of posts. I have also grown disillusioned with politics and no longer care enough about that shit to even bother with a forced rant. So, I have elected to change directions with this blog and make it more of a Hollywood news site, with the occasional celeb gossip piece thrown in (but only real movie star types like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise; no more D-listers). I'm sure a few of you will hate this, and to you I say, I don't really give a fuck. To those who want to stick around and read my dopey opinions about the movie world, thanks for hanging with it.

Yes Paul, Scientology Is Homophobic. And The Sky Is Blue.

2009-10-26T14:38:00.003-04:00

Writer/Director Paul Haggis has quit the Church of Scientology in protest against what he perceives as the cult's tacit support of California's Prop 8. Haggis said in a letter to Scientology stooge Tommy Davis:

As you know, for ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego. Their public sponsorship of Proposition 8, a hate-filled legislation that succeeded in taking away the civil rights of gay and lesbian citizens of California – rights that were granted them by the Supreme Court of our state – shames us.

I called and wrote and implored you, as the official spokesman of the church, to condemn their actions. I told you I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated.

In that first conversation, back at the end of October of last year, you told me you were horrified, that you would get to the bottom of it and “heads would roll.” You promised action. Ten months passed. No action was forthcoming. The best you offered was a weak and carefully worded press release, which praised the church’s human rights record and took no responsibility. Even that, you decided not to publish.

The church’s refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly. I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent.

Haggis is also reportedly angry at the CoS for forcing his wife to break off contact with her Scientologist parents because they violated some dopey church rule. I always find it amusing when these Scientologisy drones all of a sudden realize that their church is built upon bigotry and thuggish closed-mindedness and begin denouncing it. They didn't seem to mind when it was helping them with their careers.

At some point, some of these Hollywood big-brains will realize that all religions are inherently idiotic, even the hip ones like Kabbalah and Buddhism. Then maybe they'll figure out that politics is a crock too. Or perhaps they'll just go on being gullible morons.

But Will They Keep The Zither?

2009-10-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

There's a rumor floating around that Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire mean to team up with Eastern Promises screenwriter Steven Knight for a remake of the Orson Welles/Carol Reed classic The Third Man. The original tells the story of a bewildered pulp novelist (Joseph Cotten) who finds himself at the center of post-war Viennese intrigues involving a shadowy criminal (Welles) and a mysterious depressed babe (Alida Valli). One assumes the remake would too, unless Knight is planning some kind of wild deviation possibly involving Russian mobsters and awesome naked fistfights.

I am in favor of naked fistfights. In fact, my dream for this movie is Leo and Tobey getting butt-naked and slapping each other silly with their dicks.

I can already hear the stodgy movie purists moaning about this one, especially that old fart Roger Ebert who probably still has The Third Man among his ten greatest movies of all-time even though its crazy baroque-thriller quality feels totally forced. Well, quit your bellyaching, classic movie snobs. If Leo and Tobey want to tread where the Holy Welles once planted his fat, smelly feet, let them. Would you rather watch Leo haul his ever-thickening frame through Back to the Beach? Would you prefer to sit through The Cider House Rules 2: More Sickeningly Earnest Voice Overs and Caucasian Self-Congratulation Plus a Bunch of Abortions Just for Kicks? Didn't think so.

Danny Craig Spills The Beans

2009-10-25T10:18:00.003-04:00

Daniel Craig was walking out of the theater after a performance of a A Steady Rain, his current Broadway play co-starring Huge Jackoff, when a fan asked him when the new James Bond movie was set to begin.

Craig, rather than blow off the peasant as most stars would do, actually answered the query. Bond 23, the actor revealed, will start shooting next year.

The fan immediately got on the internet to repeat Craig's revelation. The story wended its way around the web, as these things will, before finally landing on the screen of someone at MGM.

At which point MGM realized it needed to make a comment about Craig's comment. And their comment was, "No comment."

Which doesn't matter, because Danny Craig is James Bond. And if James Bond says that James Bond 23 will begin shooting in 2010, then James Bond 23 will begin shooting in 2010.

Unless MGM wants to replace Danny Craig with someone else. Someone younger? Someone a little more Ed Weswicky?

Come on. You know you want it. Gay James Bond. Hot sex with Q. Pink Aston-Martin that shoots crepe streamers instead of bullets.

Even more cock torture.

It's Okay, Angie Would've Healed Him

2009-10-25T09:36:00.003-04:00

Brad Pitt was involved in a minor motorcycle accident on Saturday in L.A. Initial reports were that Brad was hit from behind by a pap, but we've since learned that Brad actually caused the accident himself when he hit a parked car while attempting to weave through traffic.

In other words, dumb-ass was asking for it.

Witnesses say Brad acted like a bit of a weenie at the scene. Instead of picking up his bike and riding on, the candy-ass ran into a building and called someone to come get him. A crew eventually showed up to haul the discarded bike away.

Looks like someone's not as much of a leathery bad-ass as he wants us to believe.

Things That Make Me Want To Kill: The Snuggie Sutra

2009-10-23T15:59:00.002-04:00

A website has been launched to help people who aren't creative enough to think up their own Snuggie-related sex positions. Yes, The Snuggie Sutra.

Example: The Papoose (illustrated above) - He wears the Snuggie on his back and gathers it around her as he carries her. Lightweight, flexible, and easy to carry anywhere, but right here seems just fine.

Never mind the fact that the majority of Snuggie owners are too fat and brittle-boned to have any hope of accomplishing such an act without injuring and/or smothering each other.

Buy A Bra Lindsay

2009-10-23T15:38:00.001-04:00

Lindsay Lohan thinks we don't know what she's up to when she puts on a top like that without a bra and - oops - happens to bend over and there's her titty for all the world to cringe at.

Seriously Lindsay, a deliberate boob-slip? That's so 2007.

Pay Up, Slacker

2009-10-23T15:10:00.003-04:00

Kate Gosselin's lawyer claims Jon still has not made good on his court-ordered promise to pay back the $180,000 he took from their joint account. So far, Jon has coughed up $28,500, which, by my math, means he has a whole shitload left to go.

Jon's lawyer disputes Kate's lawyer's claim, saying, "Jon has completely complied with all of the directives of the court. He complied. He met all the mandates."

Kate's lawyer says the only proof they have of Jon's compliance is the bank balance. Well, fuck, don't these people realize that sometimes it takes a couple of days for a deposit to show up? Don't they have dealings with banks?

What the hell is the rush anyway? Is Kate going to run out of hair products and stretch mark cream in the meantime? I think not.

Did Mel Gibson Lose His Hand?

2009-10-22T15:46:00.000-04:00

I went through several stages of disturbedness when I looked at this picture. First when I saw that it was Mel Gibson, then when I saw that Mel was holding a small child. Then I noticed that Mel's left hand appears to be made of rubber and had myself one of those what the fuck moments.

I admit that I don't follow this shit as closely as someone who blogs about it probably should, but I'm pretty sure I still would've noticed a story about Mel Gibson having his hand amputated.

I can only think of a few explanations for Mel's loss of hand. One, he found out he was part Jewish, and got rid of that part. Two, he finally owned up to his life of sin and submitted himself to a good old-fashioned biblical punishment. Three, he was digging too far up his ass and popped the fucker off.

The last one is pretty painful and nasty. I speak from experience.

Fake-Faced Witch Sells Out Her Friends

2009-10-22T15:14:00.002-04:00

Nicole Kidman testified before Congress that she agrees with the hysterical Hollywood-haters who think movies promote violence, particularly violence against women.

When asked by a Congressional drone whether she believes Hollywood's portrayal of females contributes to their plight, Kidman replied, "Probably," then added, "I can't be responsible for all of Hollywood, but I can certainly be responsible for my own career."

So, basically, Nicole Kidman sat in front of Congress and outed her friends and colleagues as a bunch of evil misogynists who are destroying our culture. Nicole's lucky she's only a woman, otherwise someone might've actually paid attention to what she was saying. And then her career would be toast.

Kanye Off The Hook

2009-10-22T14:18:00.003-04:00

If Kanye West were female and talentless, he would be Mischa Barton or Lindsay Lohan. But because Kanye is male and a genius, his meltdown comes with awesomely bizarre short films.

It's official: The Taylor Swift thing was a cry for help.

Awkwardness

2009-10-22T11:54:00.003-04:00

MSNBC news-reading drone Contessa Brewer misidentifies Jesse Jackson as Al Sharpton. Jesse handles it well, but is clearly steamed. Once again, we see the hazards of choosing cable news anchors on the basis of looks rather than competence or basic intelligence.

Then again, maybe you can't blame Contessa. I also have trouble telling one bloodsucking media-whore from another.

More Agony

2009-10-22T11:02:00.001-04:00

The agony never seems to end for John Travolta. Now the actor finds himself stuck in the Bahamas after a mistrial was declared in his extortion case.

The judge declared the mistrial after finding out that a TV station had announced an acquittal for the sleazy defendants, one of them a former Bahamian Senator, while the jury was still deliberating. News of the fictitious acquittal reportedly passed from a juror to a Bahamian politician via cell phone.

Can you say "giant clusterfuck?"

If Travolta weren't such a revolting, clueless cultist, I would probably feel sorry for him. My God, imagine how fat he must be getting, having to deal with all this stress. He'll be Rosie O'Donnell-sized before it's over.

No Thanks Octofreak

2009-10-21T15:37:00.002-04:00

Octomom has the hots for Jon Gosselin, but sadly for those who crave the ultimate in child-exploiting reality show creep unions, the feeling is not mutual.

"No way," was Gosselin's reply when asked if he would be willing to enter the Chamber of Octomom. He added, "I want to get through this divorce and focus on my kids."

Translation: (puking sound) Are fucking kidding me? (puking sound)

Kelli Got Sick Of Having To Fight For Food

2009-10-21T15:02:00.004-04:00

Rosie O'Donnell and her life partner Kelli Carpenter are said to be close to a split. Rosie herself has denied the rumors, and says she and Carpenter are "working on their issues."

The main issue, as I imagine it in my twisted mind, is that Kelli is sick of living with a narcissistic whale, and wants to be able to go to a buffet without that horrible hot shame feeling that comes when your partner eats so much fried chicken and jello that they pass out.

And Rosie is sick of living with someone who insists on making it not all about Rosie a whopping four hours out of every six months.

Just Give Back The Boobs Carrie

2009-10-21T14:40:00.003-04:00

The tit-for-tat continues between Carrie Prejean and the production company responsible for putting on the Miss California USA pageant.

See what I did there with the "tit-for-tat?" Cause Carrie got boobs on the pageant's dime then went and got fired and now the pageant people are suing her cause they want their money back.

Carrie's lawyers have shot back with their standard statement: The pageant people don't like Carrie and are trying to smear her. So that means she didn't take the 5,000 bucks and spend it on tits? What did she spend it on then? I know it wasn't public speaking lessons.

All this controversy has taught me one thing: Beauty pageants should be banned by law. All they do is spawn insufferable twats like Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin. It's not like men need the stimulation now anyway. Sure, back in the '50s it was a big deal to see a chick in a hot one-piece, but there's this little thing called the internet these days.

How titillating are Carrie Prejean and her fake boobs to a generation raised on on-demand cumshots and midget orgies? Not very.

Let's Hope He Has More Sense

2009-10-21T14:22:00.002-04:00

Britney Spears' meddlesome mom Lynne is enamored of her new boyfriend Jason Trawick and wants her to marry him before he realizes how insane she is and runs for his life.

The sentiment is evidently shared by many people in the Spears circle. "He's the kind of man you would dream of your daughter marrying," one Spears confidante gushed. "The kids love him, and he's stable."

And he hasn't yet gotten caught publicly exploiting Britney, which is a plus.

All Fixed Up

2009-10-20T16:47:00.002-04:00

Mischa Barton is not sweating the cancellation of her show The Beautiful Life. You know why? Because she is really high on drugs. If someone didn't come around and dress her and put her in the limo and point her to the red carpet, she would be completely fucked.

Looking Good

2009-10-20T16:23:00.002-04:00

Lindsay Lohan may have begun a new fashion trend...throwing a fuzzy bathrobe on over a dress and going out. Is she going bald? At least her lips look natural.

No One Wants To See Them Anyway

2009-10-20T16:03:00.002-04:00

While in Venice, Lily Allen evidently got high and staggered naked onto a hotel balcony. She was so stoned she didn't even realize someone was taking her picture. Her handler, or whoever that guy is, came out to cover her up before she embarrassed herself.

Okay, here's what really happened. Lily Allen was sitting around her hotel room in Venice when she got bored. So she called up some photographer she knows and told him to station himself across the canal from her balcony. She then ripped her shirt off and pretended to stagger outside in a daze. "Oh my gosh, is someone taking a picture of my titties? I'm soooooooo high."

Lily's jealous that Katy Perry gets all the attention these days. Maybe she should begin fucking Russell Brand.

Famous People Care

2009-10-20T15:38:00.002-04:00

Brad and Angie visited some orphans in Jordan at the invitation of Queen Noor. The orphans sang a song to distract Angie while Brad went off to give the Queen a quick poke. Fucking a queen was a step down from fucking the Empress of the Universe, but Brad's not picky.

Falcon Heene Entertains The World

2009-10-20T13:10:00.002-04:00

Anderson Cooper got a kick out of this clip of Falcon Heene cursing during the prep for the Heenes' big lying-to-America's-face interview, conducted by that nutless creep Wolf Blitzer. If only the media had as much moxie as little Falcon.

They Must Meet. And Then Die.

2009-10-20T12:42:00.002-04:00

Should Jon Gosselin ever become lonely for the sounds of multiple screaming babies, or yearn to once again know the feel of a bloodsucking woman's touch, he now knows where he can go:

Octomom's.

"I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin," Octo revealed in an interview. "I think he’s hot!"

You and every opportunistic, near-sighted, low-self-esteem having nut-job on the planet.

Fortunately, Octo has no plans on pursuing Jon or anyone else right now. She says she will only begin dating when "the kids are older." And after she's managed to sell off a few of them to those Burmese gangsters who've been hanging around.

Balthazar Getty Will Fuck Anything

2009-10-19T17:00:00.003-04:00

The STDs Balthazar Getty got from Sienna Miller weren't strong enough to satisfy his cravings, so he has moved on to human petri dish Lindsay Lohan.

People says Balthazar, whose family hasn't been able to get hold of him in months, possibly years, snuck into a club with Lohan through a backdoor and was "all over her" for the rest of the night.

If I'd had any respect for Balthazar Getty to begin with, it would all be gone now. And I don't know what to say about Lindsay. She switches sexual persuasions faster than Megan Fox switches positions on Michael Bay. I think she may be confused. Like I was in high school.

Megan Fox Figures Out Which Side Her Bread Is Buttered On

2009-10-19T14:58:00.003-04:00

Megan Fox would be just another tatted-up street walker if not for Transformers. I know that. You know that. And now, Megan knows that.

In a 180-degree reversal from her previous remarks - stuff about Michael Bay being Hitler - Megan admitted at the Spike TV Scream Awards that she owes everything to the CGI robots and the egomaniac director who brought them to life.

"I don't usually do this, but I wanted to say something," Megan blubbered. "There have been a lot of false reports about how I feel about this movie. I just want to be very clear that I've always felt I’m a very ordinary part of an extraordinary film.

"...the movie took me out of obscurity and gave me a career," the dumb twat added, "and I'm completely grateful to everyone involved with this franchise."

And if Michael Bay is in need of a good taint-licking, Megan is the girl for the job.

Richard Heene Is An Insane Dirtbag

2009-10-19T14:03:00.002-04:00

The problem with garnering massive media attention for perpetrating an unsuccessful hoax is all the dredging up of your past that goes on.

Richard Heene is finding this out the hard way. For instance, everyone now knows that Heene was jailed in 1997 for vandalism.

And everyone now knows that Heene believes human beings are descended from lizard-like aliens, and that some of said aliens still reside on the earth, in Arizona to be precise.

And everyone knows that, though Heene calls himself a scientist, he never even graduated from college.

I suppose Heene thinks these revelations are a small price to pay for notoriety. He is shameless.

Kill Them

2009-10-18T11:29:00.002-04:00

Part of me thinks they're only faking it for the cameras. Another part of me thinks they're doing it just to drive me completely fucking insane. Another part of me wants to be a 13-year-old baton-twirling West Virginia child-bride. I'm weird.

Not Gonna Skate

2009-10-17T22:52:00.002-04:00

Richard Heene aka Father of Balloon Boy thought he was going to put his little publicity scam over on everyone, but now it looks like that's not going to happen after all.

At last, the cops in Colorado have moved off their "we believe him" stance and are exploring bringing charges against Heene, professional storm-chaser, Wife Swapper and media-duping dickface.

"We do anticipate at some point in the future, there will be some criminal charges filed with regards to this incident," the Larimar County Sheriff said, adding, "What those charges may be, as I stated yesterday, what we we're looking at is Class 3 misdemeanor, which hardly seems serious enough given the circumstances."

The Sheriff said the feds will be consulted to see what other charges might be brought against Heene, who has spent the last several days milking his and his kids' celebrity for all it's worth.

Want to get true justice? Don't throw Heene in jail - just bar him from ever appearing on television again. That's the worst thing you could do to this steaming load of maggot-eaten fecal matter.

Lindsay Remains Free, For Now

2009-10-16T16:09:00.005-04:00

Lindsay Lohan went to court today and successfully fooled the judge into allowing her to remain on probation rather than be jailed over her failure to complete the alcohol education classes she was supposed to take as punishment for one of her DUI arrests (I lose track).

Lohan's sob story - she works too hard and doesn't have time to make it to the classes - did not deter the judge from threatening the professional partier with jail if she doesn't shape up.

Prediction: Lindsay will die before she ever sees the inside of a jail. Unless we're talking a Panamanian jail or something. Then I take it back.

Getting Worse

2009-10-16T13:03:00.002-04:00

Jon Gosselin is being sued by TLC for breach of contract. The cable network claims Jon violated his agreement by appearing on other networks for pay and talking shit about the show he used to star in with his Gorgon wife Kate.

By the time Kate and TLC are done with him, Jon will be living under a freeway overpass. If anyone should see him staggering down the road in tattered clothes holding a misspelled "Will Work for Weed" sign, please fight the urge to run him over.

Picking little bits of douchebag out of your grille is no fun. Trust me.

Balloon Boy Pukes On Live TV

2009-10-16T12:34:00.003-04:00

Balloon Boy continues to charm us with his adorable antics. Yesterday it was hiding in an attic for hours while we watched the balloon he wasn't in sail across Colorado, this morning it was blowing chunks while Anne Curry attempted to interview his dipshit father on the Today Show. What will Balloon Boy do for an encore? Write his name in the snow with pee while armpit-farting The Stars and Stripes Forever? I can't wait.

Busted

2009-10-16T10:03:00.004-04:00

Balloon Boy Falcon Heene's mother and father wasted no time setting up an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer. Only problem: dad forgot to drill little Falcon in what he was supposed to say. So, when daddy asked Falcon why he hid in the attic when he heard mommy and daddy calling, Falcon blurted out, "You said we did it for the show."

Of course Wolf Blitzer, being the big-time journalist he isn't, didn't even bother pressing the question, but went on letting the asshole reality show jerk-off Heenes use him like a bitch. How does that bearded pile-of-shit sleep at night?

Police have said they don't believe the Heenes are guilty of a hoax, but the case is "still open." Uh-huh.

RIP Balloon Boy (The Obit I Would've Posted)

2009-10-15T17:48:00.005-04:00

The obit for Balloon Boy I was all ready to post when they found his little body:

Aviation enthusiast and child rapper Balloon Boy has gone to that great Chuck E. Cheeze's in the sky. His parents might want to start looking for legal representation.

We'll never forget you, Balloon Boy. And the horribly inappropriate comments we made about you all day on Twitter.

Turned out Balloon Boy wasn't dead - he was just hiding in the attic above the garage. Thank you mainstream media for once again demonstrating your inability to put facts before sensationalism.

Balloon Boy Captures America's Sadistic Heart

2009-10-15T16:20:00.003-04:00

I've been sitting here all afternoon watching the saga of Balloon Boy play out on CNN. In case you missed it, a 6-year-old Colorado kid allegedly climbed into his storm-chasing parents' experimental helium balloon and floated away. America spent the next couple hours watching helicopter footage of the soaring balloon, until it finally landed in a field.

That was when we discovered that Balloon Boy was not in the balloon.

Either Balloon Boy fell out at some point during the flight, or he was never in the balloon in the first place.

So, millions of people wasted a whole afternoon watching footage of an empty balloon flying over Colorado.

As of this writing, the Balloon Boy story remains unresolved. It's possible he did fly off in the balloon and fall out, in which case, he is dead. It's also possible the whole thing was a hoax cooked up by his publicity-hungry parents, who once appeared on the reality show Wife Swap.

In which case, we need to find those fuckers and burn them alive.

Follow the further unfolding of the Balloon Boy saga via Crabbie's Twitter.

Avril Divorce

2009-10-15T15:50:00.003-04:00

Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from that guy whose name I can't spell, citing irreconcilable differences. Their main difference was that Avril wanted to fuck Dole Food billionaire Justin Murdock and the other guy wanted her to fuck only him and the hookers he brought over.

Avril indicated in the filing that she is not seeking spousal support, nor does she intend forking over any dough to Whibley. You should've been nicer to her, Whibley. Now you'll have to get a job and/or use your charms on Selena Gomez.

When Will She Learn?

2009-10-15T15:17:00.003-04:00

Things you can't kill: Roaches. Jason Vorhees. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's storybook romance.

Yes, John and Jen are back on. "He really got to her, and she's hooked on him," a source said. "She can't let go."

And Mayer is not above taking advantage of her poor self-image and clingy nature. I'd cry if I wasn't laughing so hard.

Doesn't He Have A Slutty, Snaggletoothed Daughter To Exploit?

2009-10-15T14:40:00.003-04:00

Garth Brooks has announced that he is returning to music after a 9-year hiatus.

"We're going to take the retirement roof off over our head, and I already feel taller," the country music jag-off said.

That's the moonshine making you feel taller Garth. You got a bad batch. Don't worry though. Just head down to Doc Riley's and get some of his special potion made of alligator teeth and the pubic hair of the only known 12-year-old Tennessee virgin female.

God, Garth Brooks. I thought he'd died. Well, wished it, anyway.

No One's Interested

2009-10-15T13:21:00.004-04:00

Meghan McCain thought it would be hilarious to post a picture of her tits on Twitter and see what kind of reaction she got. Surprise, surprise - the idiot's largely conservative fanbase turned on her, calling her a slut.

Meghan then went on an extended Twitter rant in response, saying, "So I took a fun picture not thinking anything about what I was wearing, but apparently anything other than a pantsuit, I am a slut," and adding, "I have been considering deleting my twitter account, what once was fun now just seems like a vessel for harassment."

Yes Meghan, please, delete your Twitter account. Then delete yourself from my world.

There are enough desperate fame-whores in the world; we don't need the fat, ugly, stupid daughters of failed presidential candidates adding to their ranks.

By the way Meghan, nice Miley face. How old are you?

No Freak Show For You

2009-10-14T15:02:00.001-04:00

Katherine Jackson has put her foot down. She says there is no way Michael Jackson's kids will be appearing on a planned A&E reality show centered around several remaining members of the Jackson 5.

A Jackson family member coming out against child exploitation? Now I've seen everything. Except a talking turtle.

Mel Gibson Just Ordered Six

2009-10-14T14:48:00.002-04:00

The works of artist Ottmar Horl are being exhibited by the German town of Straubing. And what's so special about these 1,250 pieces? They are all Nazi-saluting garden gnomes.

You can order one of your own for just 45 Euros. Or a signed one for 120.

Spruce up your lawn. Delight your friends. Scare away those pesky Jews.

Pete Doherty Can't Breathe

2009-10-14T14:13:00.002-04:00

Pete Doherty has discovered the downside to taking lots of drugs - it tends to compromise your organs.

Now Pete has canceled his Irish tour and checked himself into the hospital. He went in addicted to street drugs, he will come out addicted to prescription drugs.

In either case, he will be broke as a motherfucker.

Someone Else Interviewed Michael Lohan

2009-10-14T11:03:00.003-04:00

People keep interviewing Michael Lohan. This time it was Radar, and the subject of his daughter Lindsay's drug habit came up.

Wait a second. Lindsay has a drug habit? I thought she kicked that at the same time she got over pussy.

Not so, apparently. Not according to Michael who claims to have detailed knowledge of Lindsay's exact drug-related activities, right down to the identity of her drug dealer, whom Michael describes this way:

This guy follows Lindsay all over the place. All over. Lindsay pays for him to go everywhere. He has no job. No job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA.

Sounds to me like he does have a job: drug dealer. Which is, frankly, more of a job than you have Michael. It's certainly a more honorable occupation than leech/fake preacher.

I suggest people stop asking Michael to speak. And if he demands to speak, they ignore him.

Uh-Oh

2009-10-14T10:13:00.003-04:00

Last week a woman sued Dr. Phil, claiming the TV shrink had, among other heinous things, brainwashed her and locked her in a room with a naked man (who was, thankfully, not Dr. Phil).

The world scoffed at the woman's accusations, believing her at best a fraud, at worst insane.

Until, that is, a second woman came out making the same exact accusation. Brainwashing. Locked room. Naked man. Genitalia.

Now, it seems, we are forced to face the unspeakable: Dr. Phil is a complete sex pervert.

Never saw that one coming.

Fat Angry Drug Addict On The Loose

2009-10-13T16:06:00.003-04:00

Rush Limbaugh is mad that people keep attributing racist quotes to him that (he claims) he never uttered. And the fat drug addict pantload is threatening legal action against the people responsible.

An example of something Rush never said: "Slavery built the South. I’m not saying we should bring it back. I’m just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark."

Rush is also accused of saying that pro football looks like, "a game between the Bloods and Crips without any weapons." Actually, that one he did say. But the other one he didn't. I know because he said he didn't. And that's good enough for me, because Rush Limbaugh is a great American unlike that Nazi pig-fucker Barack Obama.

Winning The Bullshit War

2009-10-13T15:02:00.001-04:00

Katie Holmes kicked and fought and screamed and finally got Tom to give in...on letting Suri go to Catholic pre-school.

"[Katie] is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic," says a source.

Katie was apparently encouraged in her rebellion by her Catholic parents, who think Tom Cruise is an idiot for believing in a crazy space God. They want to ensure that their granddaughter is only indoctrinated into sane stuff like ritually eating a wafer that represents a dead carpenter's flesh.

Good for Katie anyway. It's about time someone stood up to that sawed-off megalomaniac.

Cough Up The Cash, Bitch

2009-10-13T14:37:00.002-04:00

Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 of the $200,000+ he removed from his joint account with Kate. If he fails to do so in a timely fashion, he may be held in contempt of court and flogged.

Maybe the drug dealers, hookers and fly-by-night penis-enlargement doctor will give Jon back the money he paid them?

Further Proof That Ashton Kutcher Is A Moron

2009-10-13T14:07:00.003-04:00

In the new GQ, Mad Men siren January Jones reveals that her ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher once told her she sucked at acting and should quit.

"[He] was not supportive of my acting," January says. "He was like, 'I don't think you're going to be good at this.' So – fuck you! He only has nice things to say now – if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

So let's see: Ashton told January that she should quit acting, but he encourages his idiot stepdaughter Rumer Willis to keep at it? Ashton knows talent like I know vaginas.

Just What He Needs, More Blows To The Head

2009-10-12T16:07:00.002-04:00

Jon Gosselin may be coming to a boxing ring near you. Unless you live in a place that is too classy to host celebrity boxing matches.

Hmm, yes, Jon Gosselin fighting other D-listers with his fists. And what mastermind could be behind such a brilliant scheme? Michael Lohan, of course.

"I am in the Celebrity Boxing Federation, so I had to go out to Philadelphia to meet with the chairman of the organization," Lohan explained. "They asked me if Jon would fight, so I went up to Pennsylvania to visit Jon."

And apparently Jon did not laugh in Michael's face and tell him to go fuck up his daughter's life some more.

We laugh now, but eventually, Jon will have to resort to stuff like this if he wants to go on living his present lifestyle. He no longer has Kate as a meal-ticket. And what else is he going to do? Kill Spencer Pratt and take over being Heidi Montag's public fuck-buddy?

Another Mad Men Whacking

2009-10-12T14:34:00.003-04:00

Mad Men creator Matt Weiner wrote for The Sopranos, so he knows all about whacking key characters. And that's basically what he's been doing all season - killing off our favorite Sterling-Cooper employees with reckless abandon.

First Joan quit her job because that loser doctor she married was going to get a residency. But the residency never materialized and Joan had to go back to work as a sad clothing store clerk. Whacked.

Now, Sal was fired because he fended off the gay advances of one of those douchebag Lucky Strike guys, and the guy got pissed and face needed to be saved. I mean, yeah, I get the need to turn over the cast a little bit, but damn, did Don have to be so creepy-cold about it?

"You people?" What the fuck did that mean you womanizing creep?

Okay, I'm beginning to take this too seriously. I need to go outside more and meet some real living people.

Oh, by the way, spoiler alert.

This Made Me Laugh

2009-10-12T13:04:00.003-04:00

Sarah Silverman brought her A-game to Real Time. Fuck you bitches who don't like her. You just hatin' cause she witty and boys be diggin' her booty. Why the hell am I talking like this?

Megan Gets A Check-Up

2009-10-09T16:57:00.002-04:00

Megan Fox was photographed taking her dog in to an animal hospital. There was nothing wrong with the dog; he was just there to hold Megan's hand while she got her check-up. She's scared of veterinarians. Other things Megan is scared of: words, thoughts, genuine feelings and douching.

Why Sometimes Explaining Doesn't Help

2009-10-09T16:53:00.002-04:00

Mickey Rourke uses the word "faggot" a lot. As Mickey explains in this video, when he says "faggot," he doesn't mean "faggot" like a homosexual, he means "faggot" like a person who isn't proficient at sports. So if Mickey calls you a "faggot," he isn't accusing you of having sex with men, he's accusing you of not being able to catch a football.

Mickey is getting heat over this video but I say people need to lay off. It's only a word. Besides, as we know, Mickey is still pretty distraught over his dog dying. You know, Loki. That faggot dog the faggot used to go around with everywhere he went. Every time I saw the faggot he was holding that faggot dog in his faggot arms. Fucking faggot.

Further Proof That They Are Lame

2009-10-09T15:50:00.003-04:00

Sweat-swappin' sweethearts Katy Perry and Russell Brand took a trip to the famed Pere Lachaise cemetery to pay their respects to Jim Morrison. This is exactly what every phony idiot twat in the world does when they go to Paris. Don't these asshats know that Oscar Wilde is buried there too? And Rossini and Chopin and Proust?

Yeah, you're right - they never heard of any of those people. And anyway it's appropriate that they should only be interested in seeing Morrison's grave. Katy and Russell are, like Morrison, overrated no-talent hacks.

And at least one of them will end up weighing about 300 pounds, and will die of a heart attack in a bathtub.

Not Handling It Well

2009-10-09T15:33:00.002-04:00

Jon and Kate Gosselin are not thinking enough about the cheeeeeldren. They're fighting in public and meanwhile the cheeeeeldren are suffering.

"They are confused and distraught and are acting out all the time in an effort to get attention from their parents," a source said of the cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeldren.

"She barely talks to them," another snitch added. "The nannies are doing 95 percent of the work. Kate has a short attention span, and everything upsets her."

I don't know about you, but I really feel for the kids. It's not right. People deserve a chance to fuck up their own lives in their own way and not have their lives already fucked up before they even have lives just because their parents are a couple of selfish insecure assholes.

No?

Pure Evil

2009-10-08T17:21:00.002-04:00

Dear God: I don't believe in you, but not believing in someone never stopped me from asking them for things before. So, I am asking you - no, begging you - to break up Katy Perry and Russell Brand. Your old nemesis Satan has brought these two together for the express purpose of DRIVING ME INSANE and IT IS TOTALLY WORKING and I NEED SOME DIVINE INTERVENTION NOW OR I AM GOING TO LOSE IT AND START SHOOTING UP CHURCHES. Yes, I am threatening you now God. If you don't break these two up, or kill them, or pack them off to some parallel dimension filled with lame, useless stars, I will begin wiping out your followers. I know I will eventually be shot down myself but I will make sure to take out a whole bunch before I go. And it WILL BE YOUR FAULT GOD YOU HEARTLESS SON OF A WHORE MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD COCKEATER!

Walkin' Fool

2009-10-08T15:56:00.002-04:00

Katie finally figured out that Suri has feet and can use them to walk. Aren't they adorably matchy? I wonder if Katie ever just starts stuffing those giant bags with items and walks out without paying. You know, the thrill of breaking the law. She needs some fun somehow.

Natural Beauty

2009-10-08T15:34:00.002-04:00

Nicole Kidman gets more beautiful with each passing day. What is her secret I wonder?

Outrageous Charges

2009-10-08T14:58:00.000-04:00

Dr. Phil has been sued by a woman who claims that, when she was his patient, the noted fake shrink kidnapped her, fondled her, brainwashed her and forced her to live in a small room with a naked man.

And she's upset about that? Sounds like a hell of a fun weekend to the Crabster.

The woman, 56-year-old Shirley Rae Dieu, also accuses Phil of subjecting her to "edited tapings depicting her as a different personality other than her own." I guess that's her convoluted way of saying she was misrepresented on his show? I wouldn't be too mad about that either were I Shirley. Sounds to me like her real personality isn't something she would want depicted accurately. She should thank Dr. Phil for lying on her behalf.

The Video You Haven't Been Waiting For

2009-10-08T14:37:00.000-04:00

Video has surfaced of Joe Francis beating on Brody Jenner's girlfriend Jayde Nicole. Oh, you probably forgot about that by now. Well, I'll refresh your memory: a couple months back, Brody Jenner accused Joe Frances of beating up his girlfriend Jayde Nicole at a club. Everyone automatically believed the story, because it was Joe Francis, who probably pounds on women as part of his workout regimen. Cause he's a dickhead.

Jayde has since sued Joe Francis, who shockingly has not yet fled to South America.

She Knows Who's Boss

2009-10-08T14:11:00.003-04:00

Miley Cyrus has deleted her Twitter page...at the behest of boyfriend Liam Hemsworth, who thinks tweeting is for fools.

"FYI Liam doesn't have a Twitter and he wants ME to delete mine with good reason," Miley reported in her farewell tweet.

Well, it's nice to see that some young American girls realize the man is the boss and should always be obeyed. That women's liberation shit has been tearing apart the social fabric for too long. Back to whalebone corsets and fainting sofas, I say.