Broadway producers looking to make bank with a revival of The Miracle Worker, the story of Helen Keller and her teacher Anne Sullivan, were understandably excited when they announced they had landed Little Miss Sunshine star Abigail Breslin for the all-important role of Helen the quick-tempered deaf and blind girl.
Sounds like great casting, right?. Correct age. Big talent. Box-office draw.
Not so much say disabled advocates who think a deaf or blind actress should've been given a shot at the part.
"We do not think it's OK for reputable producers to cast this lead role without seriously considering an actress from our community," said Sharon Jensen of the Alliance for Inclusion in the Arts.
Hmm...maybe. But, producers had a point too when they shot back with the old "we're trying to make a buck here, hon" argument.
"It's simply naïve to think that in this day and age, you'll be able to sell tickets to a play revival solely on the potential of the production to be a great show or on the potential for an unknown actress to give a breakthrough performance," said David Richtenthal. "I would consider it financially irresponsible to approach a major revival without making a serious effort to get a star."
All due respect to the Alliance for Inclusion in the Arts and their noble cause, but, game, set, match Broadway phony. It's hard enough getting a play off the ground in good financial times. Try doing it during a recession.
You blind and deaf folks may know all about not being able to see or hear, but you don't know shit about the realities of casting for Broadway. Plus, it's not like it's that hard to play deaf and blind. Abigail can do it with her eyes closed and her ears plugged.
Er...
Broadway Producers To Disabled Advocates: You Don't Get Show-Biz
Ewoks Go Crazy On Today Show
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
The Ewok behavior displayed on The Today Show this morning is being characterized as "drunken," but this is totally false. I happen to know for a fact that real drunken Ewok behavior is far, far worse.
Without getting into too many gross details...well, let's just say, you haven't lived until you've tried to wash shit out of Ewok fur.
Hopkins Odin
Anthony Hopkins will play Odin to Chris Hemsworth's Thor in the upcoming Kenneth Branagh-helmed adaptation of the Thor comic, reports The Hollywood Reporter's Heat Vision.
Jude Law, Samuel L. Jackson and Robert De Niro are also listed as cast-members on the film's IMDb page. Whether they will all end up in the movie, which isn't slated for release until 2011, is something only Odin or some other supernatural being could know.
For those not familiar with Norse mythology, Thor is a big dude with an axe - or maybe a hammer - who dresses like an Olsen twin and dispenses justice...or maybe just randomly hits people with his axe or hammer, I don't really know.
Okay, I admit, I'm not familiar with Norse mythology either. No one is, except someone who studied it in college, or read a lot of comic books.
I am, however, familiar with the films of Kenneth Branagh. They tend to be a tad overwrought and the actors tend to spit a lot. Which means Thor will probably be big and loud and sucky, but with lots of British accents and spitting.
The accents and spitting may be enough to fool some people into thinking they're seeing something better than Bloodrayne 2.
Keeping Up Appearances
Jessica Biel is interrupting her successful career as the chick with the great ass who's sleeping with Justin Timberlake to tackle a role in the comedy Fucking Engaged.
Yes, that's the title, Fucking Engaged. Or, F*****g Engaged, by the time the swear-police get done with it.
Not surprisingly, the film is described as a "raunchy comedy." In it, Biel will play an engaged woman who makes a pact with her man to have sex every day until they get married.
Basically, it's a thumb in the eye of traditionalists who think young people should save themselves for after they've officially thrown their lives away by becoming hitched.
Honestly, I don't know why Biel bothers. She can't act. Her movies are awful. She is more famous for having her picture taken than she will ever be for anything she does on the big screen.
She is basically a better-behaved, less-drug-addled, not-prematurely-aging Lindsay Lohan. In other words, irrelevant.
Ridley Scott Talks About Alien Prequel, Says Little
By now most of you know that Ridley Scott is planning on adding to the endless list of Alien follow-ups by doing a prequel to the original film. Those who care about such things have been on pins-and-needles waiting for Ridley to reveal details about the new film.
Well, you don't have to wait anymore, because Ridley has spoken.
Actually, even though Ridley has spoken, you still have to wait. Ridley may have moved his lips in the interview but not a lot came out to clarify what exactly this movie is going to be.
"It’s a brand new box of tricks," Ridley told Empire Magazine. "We know what the road map is, and the screenplay is now being put on paper. The prequel will be a while ago. It’s very difficult to put a year on Alien, but [for example] if Alien was towards the end of this century, then the prequel story will take place thirty years prior."
So here's what we know: The movie will take place at some point in time prior to the original. And the screenplay is being written on paper.
And I'm guessing there will be extra-terrestrial lifeforms of some sort. The kind that like hatching from a random character actor's stomach and growing large and mean so they can kill more character actors.
I'm down with it, as long as Winona Ryder doesn't show up.
Mulligan, Beautiful, Fantastic
Carey Mulligan is sure to get an Oscar nomination for her performance in An Education. She has all the old horndog movie critics drooling over her combination of talent and pixie sex appeal. She is fucking Shia LaBoof. She is just about the hottest thing right now in the world of movies you have to wait to see on DVD because the local Multiplex needs those screens for extra showings of whatever loud piece of shit Michael Bay has out.
And now she has landed a role in The Beautiful Fantastic alongside Tom Wilkinson.
ScreenDaily.com describes The Beautiful Fantastic as a modern fairy tale in the vein of Amelie. Since I hated Amelie with a passion that cannot be described with mere words, I think I will be skipping this.
Unless, when I finally see An Education, I become as entranced by Ms. Mulligan as everyone else.
Jacko Boffo
The Michael Jackson documentary This is It grossed $20.7 million worldwide in its first day of release, vindicating Sony's decision to send out 15,000 prints, and proving that people's morbid fascination with recently-deceased stars can indeed translate into box office.
Somebody should start following Mickey Rourke around with a camera. Like now.
Personally, I wouldn't see the Jacko movie even if I were tied into some Clockwork Orange contraption that held my eyes open. I would make myself leave my body the same way the Playboy bunnies do when they have to climb in the sack with shriveled Hefner.
Sorry, but slick pedophile apologia isn't my bag.
Betty Draper And Nic Cage?
Mad Men star and pro-shark activist January Jones has joined the cast of the Nicolas Cage thriller The Hungry Rabbit Jumps. The story, according to The Hollywood Reporter, concerns a man who hires a vigilante group to avenge the terrible crime committed against his wife. Naturally, the man lives to regret hiring the vigilante group.
Like I always say, if you've got a terrible crime committed against your wife to avenge, do it yourself, or pay a down-and-out relative to do it. Vigilante groups are nothing but trouble.
January, as you may already have guessed, will be playing the wife against whom the terrible crime is committed. Sadly, the movie is not set in the '60s, so January won't get to wear any of those awesome Betty Draper clothes.
I love January on Mad Men and I'm glad to see her getting juicy Hollywood parts, but I'm not sure hitching your wagon to Nic Cage's star is the best move right about now. The term "death spiral" comes to mind when pondering his recent career.
Peter Berg Comes To His Senses About That Whole Dune Thing
When I first heard that Hancock and The Kingdom director Peter Berg wanted to do yet another adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune, I thought to myself, "Why the hell does Hancock and The Kingdom director Peter Berg want to do yet another adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune? Weren't the terrible David Lynch movie and the TV miniseries I never watched enough?"
As further proof that, eventually, everyone comes around to the Crabster's way of thinking, Peter Berg has seen the silliness of doing another Dune and dropped out of the project.
Perhaps even Universal will finally catch up with me and Peter Berg and realize that no one wants to see this movie. Or maybe they'll do the crazy thing and let Alejandro Jodorowsky at last do the version of Herbert's novel he dreamed of making in the '70s. With a lifesized Salvador Dali puppet as the Emperor.
Invictus Trailer
Here's a trailer for Clint Eastwood's Oscar-bait entry for the year, Invictus. It sounds like it should involve Centurions and people buggering each other in bathhouses but it's actually about Nelson Mandela and some rugby player. Anyone else miss the good old days when Clint directed himself in corny movies about orangutans and country singers?
No Guttenberg, No Go
If you grew up in the '80s, you probably saw the movie Short Circuit about 50 times. Everyone loved that movie back then. Yes it had Steve Guttenberg, a sure sign of major suckage, but it also had a robot that got hit by lightning and came to life. That kind of awesomeness makes up for 100 Guttenbergs, and Ally Sheedy and Fisher Stevens.
Well, as further proof that all our childhood memories must be trashed by crass Hollywood assholes, Dimension is now doing a remake of Short Circuit, and they are hiring the guy who directed Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Why not just shove a knitting needle in my penis, Dimension Pictures? It would be less painful than watching your Guttenbergless Short Circuit "reboot" starring a CGI Johnny 5 - everyone knows clangy remote-control robots are way cooler than computer-generated ones - and directed by the same fucker who guided Kevin James through a comedy beloved by those who can't get enough of Larry the Cable Guy.
Shoveling Dirt On Rocky 7 Rumor
A rumor started making the rounds yesterday that Sylvester Stallone was contemplating a seventh Rocky film. The whole thing got started, evidently, because of a quote in a German newspaper taken from a Stallone interview. Only problem: The interview was from 3 years ago, and the Rocky movie Stallone was discussing was actually his last one, Rocky Balboa.
Thank you to Ain't it Cool News and Stallone's publicist for shooting down this horrifying rumor. Rocky 7? I need that like I need more boils on my ass.
Matt Damon Likes Saddle Sores And Dirt In His Mouth
Variety says Matt Damon will jump aboard the Coen Brothers' True Grit alongside Jeff Bridges and Josh Brolin. Bridges will play Rooster Cogburn, the role made famous by John Wayne in the original True Grit, while Damon plays the lawman La Boeuf (casting Shia would've been too obvious plus he's way too much of a pansy for a Coen Brothers Western).
By the way, this is not a remake of the John Wayne movie. It is a completely new adaptation of the book upon which that movie was based. So don't go calling it a fucking remake or I will have to shoot you in the fucking head with an air gun designed for killing cattle.
Coen Brothers plus dusty macho guys last equaled No Country for Old Men, so this has a chance to be pretty good though horribly grim and depressing.
Plague
A certain amount of outrage has been voiced over Miley Cyrus's 9-year-old sister Noah donning the above outfit and appearing in public. Frankly, I've come to expect such flouting of all the rules of decency and am no longer shocked. I'd rather focus on the fact that Noah Cyrus even exists and is apparently already being shoved into the limelight by her disgusting, money-hungry parents. One Cyrus skank polluting the mass media waters is already too many; a second is an affront to the cosmos.
And who the hell names a girl child Noah anyway? That's a name for a godly ark-builder in a silly old Jewish parable, or a character in The Grapes of Wrath who has his brain squashed by his own father at birth and winds up falling in love with a river.
I'm Sure This Will Hurt Emmerich's Box Office
Roland Emmerich's 2012 looks all kind of brainless CGI-laden awesome (despite that pinhead John Cusack). Unfortunately, according to an increasing number of reputable scientists and mathematicians, the Mayan prophecy at the center of the whole premise actually points to 2220 as the target year for universal annihilation, and not 2012 as Mr. Emmerich and a host of nutbag bunker-dwellers assert.
The question now is, what the hell am I going to do with all these batteries and cans of Spam? Think The Salvation Army will take them in lieu of a donation to the bell-ringing Santa Claus outside of Wal-Mart?
Woody's New (Scarlett-less) Flick Has A Title
I've lost track of how many movies Woody Allen has made in his long, increasingly-less-interesting career. The last one he finished, Whatever Works, is currently wending its way to my residence courtesy of Netflix. His next to go before the lens will be entitled You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, according to The Hollywood Reporter.
You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger will concern the "tangled love-lives" of a crazy family, and will star Antonio Banderas, Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins and Naomi Watts. Even for Woody Allen, that's a wacky cast.
Note that, like Whatever Works, the new film will lack the presence of one Scarlett Johansson. Woody's former muse has not gotten any work from him since she went all diva and was left behind by the Vicky Cristina Barcelona Cannes contingent. Woody said then that he was "disappointed" in Scarlett. I guess the rift between them is permanent.
Aw darn.
Change Of Direction
Crabbie's Hollywood has always been a celeb gossip blog first and everything else second. But, lately I have grown as a person, and am no longer particularly interested in or amused by the hijinks of the Jon and Kate Gosselins of the world, a fact that has been reflected in the diminished number of posts. I have also grown disillusioned with politics and no longer care enough about that shit to even bother with a forced rant. So, I have elected to change directions with this blog and make it more of a Hollywood news site, with the occasional celeb gossip piece thrown in (but only real movie star types like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise; no more D-listers). I'm sure a few of you will hate this, and to you I say, I don't really give a fuck. To those who want to stick around and read my dopey opinions about the movie world, thanks for hanging with it.
Yes Paul, Scientology Is Homophobic. And The Sky Is Blue.
Writer/Director Paul Haggis has quit the Church of Scientology in protest against what he perceives as the cult's tacit support of California's Prop 8. Haggis said in a letter to Scientology stooge Tommy Davis:
As you know, for ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego. Their public sponsorship of Proposition 8, a hate-filled legislation that succeeded in taking away the civil rights of gay and lesbian citizens of California – rights that were granted them by the Supreme Court of our state – shames us.
I called and wrote and implored you, as the official spokesman of the church, to condemn their actions. I told you I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated.
In that first conversation, back at the end of October of last year, you told me you were horrified, that you would get to the bottom of it and “heads would roll.” You promised action. Ten months passed. No action was forthcoming. The best you offered was a weak and carefully worded press release, which praised the church’s human rights record and took no responsibility. Even that, you decided not to publish.
The church’s refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly. I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent.
Haggis is also reportedly angry at the CoS for forcing his wife to break off contact with her Scientologist parents because they violated some dopey church rule. I always find it amusing when these Scientologisy drones all of a sudden realize that their church is built upon bigotry and thuggish closed-mindedness and begin denouncing it. They didn't seem to mind when it was helping them with their careers.
At some point, some of these Hollywood big-brains will realize that all religions are inherently idiotic, even the hip ones like Kabbalah and Buddhism. Then maybe they'll figure out that politics is a crock too. Or perhaps they'll just go on being gullible morons.
But Will They Keep The Zither?
There's a rumor floating around that Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire mean to team up with Eastern Promises screenwriter Steven Knight for a remake of the Orson Welles/Carol Reed classic The Third Man. The original tells the story of a bewildered pulp novelist (Joseph Cotten) who finds himself at the center of post-war Viennese intrigues involving a shadowy criminal (Welles) and a mysterious depressed babe (Alida Valli). One assumes the remake would too, unless Knight is planning some kind of wild deviation possibly involving Russian mobsters and awesome naked fistfights.
I am in favor of naked fistfights. In fact, my dream for this movie is Leo and Tobey getting butt-naked and slapping each other silly with their dicks.
I can already hear the stodgy movie purists moaning about this one, especially that old fart Roger Ebert who probably still has The Third Man among his ten greatest movies of all-time even though its crazy baroque-thriller quality feels totally forced. Well, quit your bellyaching, classic movie snobs. If Leo and Tobey want to tread where the Holy Welles once planted his fat, smelly feet, let them. Would you rather watch Leo haul his ever-thickening frame through Back to the Beach? Would you prefer to sit through The Cider House Rules 2: More Sickeningly Earnest Voice Overs and Caucasian Self-Congratulation Plus a Bunch of Abortions Just for Kicks? Didn't think so.
Danny Craig Spills The Beans
Daniel Craig was walking out of the theater after a performance of a A Steady Rain, his current Broadway play co-starring Huge Jackoff, when a fan asked him when the new James Bond movie was set to begin.
Craig, rather than blow off the peasant as most stars would do, actually answered the query. Bond 23, the actor revealed, will start shooting next year.
The fan immediately got on the internet to repeat Craig's revelation. The story wended its way around the web, as these things will, before finally landing on the screen of someone at MGM.
At which point MGM realized it needed to make a comment about Craig's comment. And their comment was, "No comment."
Which doesn't matter, because Danny Craig is James Bond. And if James Bond says that James Bond 23 will begin shooting in 2010, then James Bond 23 will begin shooting in 2010.
Unless MGM wants to replace Danny Craig with someone else. Someone younger? Someone a little more Ed Weswicky?
Come on. You know you want it. Gay James Bond. Hot sex with Q. Pink Aston-Martin that shoots crepe streamers instead of bullets.
Even more cock torture.
It's Okay, Angie Would've Healed Him
Brad Pitt was involved in a minor motorcycle accident on Saturday in L.A. Initial reports were that Brad was hit from behind by a pap, but we've since learned that Brad actually caused the accident himself when he hit a parked car while attempting to weave through traffic.
In other words, dumb-ass was asking for it.
Witnesses say Brad acted like a bit of a weenie at the scene. Instead of picking up his bike and riding on, the candy-ass ran into a building and called someone to come get him. A crew eventually showed up to haul the discarded bike away.
Looks like someone's not as much of a leathery bad-ass as he wants us to believe.
Things That Make Me Want To Kill: The Snuggie Sutra
A website has been launched to help people who aren't creative enough to think up their own Snuggie-related sex positions. Yes, The Snuggie Sutra.
Example: The Papoose (illustrated above) - He wears the Snuggie on his back and gathers it around her as he carries her. Lightweight, flexible, and easy to carry anywhere, but right here seems just fine.
Never mind the fact that the majority of Snuggie owners are too fat and brittle-boned to have any hope of accomplishing such an act without injuring and/or smothering each other.
Buy A Bra Lindsay
Lindsay Lohan thinks we don't know what she's up to when she puts on a top like that without a bra and - oops - happens to bend over and there's her titty for all the world to cringe at.
Seriously Lindsay, a deliberate boob-slip? That's so 2007.
Pay Up, Slacker
Kate Gosselin's lawyer claims Jon still has not made good on his court-ordered promise to pay back the $180,000 he took from their joint account. So far, Jon has coughed up $28,500, which, by my math, means he has a whole shitload left to go.
Jon's lawyer disputes Kate's lawyer's claim, saying, "Jon has completely complied with all of the directives of the court. He complied. He met all the mandates."
Kate's lawyer says the only proof they have of Jon's compliance is the bank balance. Well, fuck, don't these people realize that sometimes it takes a couple of days for a deposit to show up? Don't they have dealings with banks?
What the hell is the rush anyway? Is Kate going to run out of hair products and stretch mark cream in the meantime? I think not.
Did Mel Gibson Lose His Hand?
I went through several stages of disturbedness when I looked at this picture. First when I saw that it was Mel Gibson, then when I saw that Mel was holding a small child. Then I noticed that Mel's left hand appears to be made of rubber and had myself one of those what the fuck moments.
I admit that I don't follow this shit as closely as someone who blogs about it probably should, but I'm pretty sure I still would've noticed a story about Mel Gibson having his hand amputated.
I can only think of a few explanations for Mel's loss of hand. One, he found out he was part Jewish, and got rid of that part. Two, he finally owned up to his life of sin and submitted himself to a good old-fashioned biblical punishment. Three, he was digging too far up his ass and popped the fucker off.
The last one is pretty painful and nasty. I speak from experience.
Fake-Faced Witch Sells Out Her Friends
Nicole Kidman testified before Congress that she agrees with the hysterical Hollywood-haters who think movies promote violence, particularly violence against women.
When asked by a Congressional drone whether she believes Hollywood's portrayal of females contributes to their plight, Kidman replied, "Probably," then added, "I can't be responsible for all of Hollywood, but I can certainly be responsible for my own career."
So, basically, Nicole Kidman sat in front of Congress and outed her friends and colleagues as a bunch of evil misogynists who are destroying our culture. Nicole's lucky she's only a woman, otherwise someone might've actually paid attention to what she was saying. And then her career would be toast.
Kanye Off The Hook
If Kanye West were female and talentless, he would be Mischa Barton or Lindsay Lohan. But because Kanye is male and a genius, his meltdown comes with awesomely bizarre short films.
It's official: The Taylor Swift thing was a cry for help.
Awkwardness
MSNBC news-reading drone Contessa Brewer misidentifies Jesse Jackson as Al Sharpton. Jesse handles it well, but is clearly steamed. Once again, we see the hazards of choosing cable news anchors on the basis of looks rather than competence or basic intelligence.
Then again, maybe you can't blame Contessa. I also have trouble telling one bloodsucking media-whore from another.
More Agony
The agony never seems to end for John Travolta. Now the actor finds himself stuck in the Bahamas after a mistrial was declared in his extortion case.
The judge declared the mistrial after finding out that a TV station had announced an acquittal for the sleazy defendants, one of them a former Bahamian Senator, while the jury was still deliberating. News of the fictitious acquittal reportedly passed from a juror to a Bahamian politician via cell phone.
Can you say "giant clusterfuck?"
If Travolta weren't such a revolting, clueless cultist, I would probably feel sorry for him. My God, imagine how fat he must be getting, having to deal with all this stress. He'll be Rosie O'Donnell-sized before it's over.
No Thanks Octofreak
Octomom has the hots for Jon Gosselin, but sadly for those who crave the ultimate in child-exploiting reality show creep unions, the feeling is not mutual.
"No way," was Gosselin's reply when asked if he would be willing to enter the Chamber of Octomom. He added, "I want to get through this divorce and focus on my kids."
Translation: (puking sound) Are fucking kidding me? (puking sound)
Kelli Got Sick Of Having To Fight For Food
Rosie O'Donnell and her life partner Kelli Carpenter are said to be close to a split. Rosie herself has denied the rumors, and says she and Carpenter are "working on their issues."
The main issue, as I imagine it in my twisted mind, is that Kelli is sick of living with a narcissistic whale, and wants to be able to go to a buffet without that horrible hot shame feeling that comes when your partner eats so much fried chicken and jello that they pass out.
And Rosie is sick of living with someone who insists on making it not all about Rosie a whopping four hours out of every six months.
Just Give Back The Boobs Carrie
The tit-for-tat continues between Carrie Prejean and the production company responsible for putting on the Miss California USA pageant.
See what I did there with the "tit-for-tat?" Cause Carrie got boobs on the pageant's dime then went and got fired and now the pageant people are suing her cause they want their money back.
Carrie's lawyers have shot back with their standard statement: The pageant people don't like Carrie and are trying to smear her. So that means she didn't take the 5,000 bucks and spend it on tits? What did she spend it on then? I know it wasn't public speaking lessons.
All this controversy has taught me one thing: Beauty pageants should be banned by law. All they do is spawn insufferable twats like Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin. It's not like men need the stimulation now anyway. Sure, back in the '50s it was a big deal to see a chick in a hot one-piece, but there's this little thing called the internet these days.
How titillating are Carrie Prejean and her fake boobs to a generation raised on on-demand cumshots and midget orgies? Not very.
Let's Hope He Has More Sense
Britney Spears' meddlesome mom Lynne is enamored of her new boyfriend Jason Trawick and wants her to marry him before he realizes how insane she is and runs for his life.
The sentiment is evidently shared by many people in the Spears circle. "He's the kind of man you would dream of your daughter marrying," one Spears confidante gushed. "The kids love him, and he's stable."
And he hasn't yet gotten caught publicly exploiting Britney, which is a plus.
All Fixed Up
Mischa Barton is not sweating the cancellation of her show The Beautiful Life. You know why? Because she is really high on drugs. If someone didn't come around and dress her and put her in the limo and point her to the red carpet, she would be completely fucked.
Looking Good
Lindsay Lohan may have begun a new fashion trend...throwing a fuzzy bathrobe on over a dress and going out. Is she going bald? At least her lips look natural.
No One Wants To See Them Anyway
While in Venice, Lily Allen evidently got high and staggered naked onto a hotel balcony. She was so stoned she didn't even realize someone was taking her picture. Her handler, or whoever that guy is, came out to cover her up before she embarrassed herself.
Okay, here's what really happened. Lily Allen was sitting around her hotel room in Venice when she got bored. So she called up some photographer she knows and told him to station himself across the canal from her balcony. She then ripped her shirt off and pretended to stagger outside in a daze. "Oh my gosh, is someone taking a picture of my titties? I'm soooooooo high."
Lily's jealous that Katy Perry gets all the attention these days. Maybe she should begin fucking Russell Brand.
Famous People Care
Brad and Angie visited some orphans in Jordan at the invitation of Queen Noor. The orphans sang a song to distract Angie while Brad went off to give the Queen a quick poke. Fucking a queen was a step down from fucking the Empress of the Universe, but Brad's not picky.
Falcon Heene Entertains The World
Anderson Cooper got a kick out of this clip of Falcon Heene cursing during the prep for the Heenes' big lying-to-America's-face interview, conducted by that nutless creep Wolf Blitzer. If only the media had as much moxie as little Falcon.
They Must Meet. And Then Die.
Should Jon Gosselin ever become lonely for the sounds of multiple screaming babies, or yearn to once again know the feel of a bloodsucking woman's touch, he now knows where he can go:
Octomom's.
"I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin," Octo revealed in an interview. "I think he’s hot!"
You and every opportunistic, near-sighted, low-self-esteem having nut-job on the planet.
Fortunately, Octo has no plans on pursuing Jon or anyone else right now. She says she will only begin dating when "the kids are older." And after she's managed to sell off a few of them to those Burmese gangsters who've been hanging around.
Balthazar Getty Will Fuck Anything
The STDs Balthazar Getty got from Sienna Miller weren't strong enough to satisfy his cravings, so he has moved on to human petri dish Lindsay Lohan.
People says Balthazar, whose family hasn't been able to get hold of him in months, possibly years, snuck into a club with Lohan through a backdoor and was "all over her" for the rest of the night.
If I'd had any respect for Balthazar Getty to begin with, it would all be gone now. And I don't know what to say about Lindsay. She switches sexual persuasions faster than Megan Fox switches positions on Michael Bay. I think she may be confused. Like I was in high school.
Megan Fox Figures Out Which Side Her Bread Is Buttered On
Megan Fox would be just another tatted-up street walker if not for Transformers. I know that. You know that. And now, Megan knows that.
In a 180-degree reversal from her previous remarks - stuff about Michael Bay being Hitler - Megan admitted at the Spike TV Scream Awards that she owes everything to the CGI robots and the egomaniac director who brought them to life.
"I don't usually do this, but I wanted to say something," Megan blubbered. "There have been a lot of false reports about how I feel about this movie. I just want to be very clear that I've always felt I’m a very ordinary part of an extraordinary film.
"...the movie took me out of obscurity and gave me a career," the dumb twat added, "and I'm completely grateful to everyone involved with this franchise."
And if Michael Bay is in need of a good taint-licking, Megan is the girl for the job.
Richard Heene Is An Insane Dirtbag
The problem with garnering massive media attention for perpetrating an unsuccessful hoax is all the dredging up of your past that goes on.
Richard Heene is finding this out the hard way. For instance, everyone now knows that Heene was jailed in 1997 for vandalism.
And everyone now knows that Heene believes human beings are descended from lizard-like aliens, and that some of said aliens still reside on the earth, in Arizona to be precise.
And everyone knows that, though Heene calls himself a scientist, he never even graduated from college.
I suppose Heene thinks these revelations are a small price to pay for notoriety. He is shameless.
Kill Them
Part of me thinks they're only faking it for the cameras. Another part of me thinks they're doing it just to drive me completely fucking insane. Another part of me wants to be a 13-year-old baton-twirling West Virginia child-bride. I'm weird.
Not Gonna Skate
Richard Heene aka Father of Balloon Boy thought he was going to put his little publicity scam over on everyone, but now it looks like that's not going to happen after all.
At last, the cops in Colorado have moved off their "we believe him" stance and are exploring bringing charges against Heene, professional storm-chaser, Wife Swapper and media-duping dickface.
"We do anticipate at some point in the future, there will be some criminal charges filed with regards to this incident," the Larimar County Sheriff said, adding, "What those charges may be, as I stated yesterday, what we we're looking at is Class 3 misdemeanor, which hardly seems serious enough given the circumstances."
The Sheriff said the feds will be consulted to see what other charges might be brought against Heene, who has spent the last several days milking his and his kids' celebrity for all it's worth.
Want to get true justice? Don't throw Heene in jail - just bar him from ever appearing on television again. That's the worst thing you could do to this steaming load of maggot-eaten fecal matter.
Lindsay Remains Free, For Now
Lindsay Lohan went to court today and successfully fooled the judge into allowing her to remain on probation rather than be jailed over her failure to complete the alcohol education classes she was supposed to take as punishment for one of her DUI arrests (I lose track).
Lohan's sob story - she works too hard and doesn't have time to make it to the classes - did not deter the judge from threatening the professional partier with jail if she doesn't shape up.
Prediction: Lindsay will die before she ever sees the inside of a jail. Unless we're talking a Panamanian jail or something. Then I take it back.
Getting Worse
Jon Gosselin is being sued by TLC for breach of contract. The cable network claims Jon violated his agreement by appearing on other networks for pay and talking shit about the show he used to star in with his Gorgon wife Kate.
By the time Kate and TLC are done with him, Jon will be living under a freeway overpass. If anyone should see him staggering down the road in tattered clothes holding a misspelled "Will Work for Weed" sign, please fight the urge to run him over.
Picking little bits of douchebag out of your grille is no fun. Trust me.
Balloon Boy Pukes On Live TV
Balloon Boy continues to charm us with his adorable antics. Yesterday it was hiding in an attic for hours while we watched the balloon he wasn't in sail across Colorado, this morning it was blowing chunks while Anne Curry attempted to interview his dipshit father on the Today Show. What will Balloon Boy do for an encore? Write his name in the snow with pee while armpit-farting The Stars and Stripes Forever? I can't wait.
Busted
Balloon Boy Falcon Heene's mother and father wasted no time setting up an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer. Only problem: dad forgot to drill little Falcon in what he was supposed to say. So, when daddy asked Falcon why he hid in the attic when he heard mommy and daddy calling, Falcon blurted out, "You said we did it for the show."
Of course Wolf Blitzer, being the big-time journalist he isn't, didn't even bother pressing the question, but went on letting the asshole reality show jerk-off Heenes use him like a bitch. How does that bearded pile-of-shit sleep at night?
Police have said they don't believe the Heenes are guilty of a hoax, but the case is "still open." Uh-huh.
RIP Balloon Boy (The Obit I Would've Posted)
The obit for Balloon Boy I was all ready to post when they found his little body:
Aviation enthusiast and child rapper Balloon Boy has gone to that great Chuck E. Cheeze's in the sky. His parents might want to start looking for legal representation.
We'll never forget you, Balloon Boy. And the horribly inappropriate comments we made about you all day on Twitter.
Turned out Balloon Boy wasn't dead - he was just hiding in the attic above the garage. Thank you mainstream media for once again demonstrating your inability to put facts before sensationalism.
Balloon Boy Captures America's Sadistic Heart
I've been sitting here all afternoon watching the saga of Balloon Boy play out on CNN. In case you missed it, a 6-year-old Colorado kid allegedly climbed into his storm-chasing parents' experimental helium balloon and floated away. America spent the next couple hours watching helicopter footage of the soaring balloon, until it finally landed in a field.
That was when we discovered that Balloon Boy was not in the balloon.
Either Balloon Boy fell out at some point during the flight, or he was never in the balloon in the first place.
So, millions of people wasted a whole afternoon watching footage of an empty balloon flying over Colorado.
As of this writing, the Balloon Boy story remains unresolved. It's possible he did fly off in the balloon and fall out, in which case, he is dead. It's also possible the whole thing was a hoax cooked up by his publicity-hungry parents, who once appeared on the reality show Wife Swap.
In which case, we need to find those fuckers and burn them alive.
Follow the further unfolding of the Balloon Boy saga via Crabbie's Twitter.
Avril Divorce
Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from that guy whose name I can't spell, citing irreconcilable differences. Their main difference was that Avril wanted to fuck Dole Food billionaire Justin Murdock and the other guy wanted her to fuck only him and the hookers he brought over.
Avril indicated in the filing that she is not seeking spousal support, nor does she intend forking over any dough to Whibley. You should've been nicer to her, Whibley. Now you'll have to get a job and/or use your charms on Selena Gomez.
When Will She Learn?
Things you can't kill: Roaches. Jason Vorhees. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's storybook romance.
Yes, John and Jen are back on. "He really got to her, and she's hooked on him," a source said. "She can't let go."
And Mayer is not above taking advantage of her poor self-image and clingy nature. I'd cry if I wasn't laughing so hard.
Doesn't He Have A Slutty, Snaggletoothed Daughter To Exploit?
Garth Brooks has announced that he is returning to music after a 9-year hiatus.
"We're going to take the retirement roof off over our head, and I already feel taller," the country music jag-off said.
That's the moonshine making you feel taller Garth. You got a bad batch. Don't worry though. Just head down to Doc Riley's and get some of his special potion made of alligator teeth and the pubic hair of the only known 12-year-old Tennessee virgin female.
God, Garth Brooks. I thought he'd died. Well, wished it, anyway.
No One's Interested
Meghan McCain thought it would be hilarious to post a picture of her tits on Twitter and see what kind of reaction she got. Surprise, surprise - the idiot's largely conservative fanbase turned on her, calling her a slut.
Meghan then went on an extended Twitter rant in response, saying, "So I took a fun picture not thinking anything about what I was wearing, but apparently anything other than a pantsuit, I am a slut," and adding, "I have been considering deleting my twitter account, what once was fun now just seems like a vessel for harassment."
Yes Meghan, please, delete your Twitter account. Then delete yourself from my world.
There are enough desperate fame-whores in the world; we don't need the fat, ugly, stupid daughters of failed presidential candidates adding to their ranks.
By the way Meghan, nice Miley face. How old are you?
No Freak Show For You
Katherine Jackson has put her foot down. She says there is no way Michael Jackson's kids will be appearing on a planned A&E reality show centered around several remaining members of the Jackson 5.
A Jackson family member coming out against child exploitation? Now I've seen everything. Except a talking turtle.
Mel Gibson Just Ordered Six
The works of artist Ottmar Horl are being exhibited by the German town of Straubing. And what's so special about these 1,250 pieces? They are all Nazi-saluting garden gnomes.
You can order one of your own for just 45 Euros. Or a signed one for 120.
Spruce up your lawn. Delight your friends. Scare away those pesky Jews.
Pete Doherty Can't Breathe
Pete Doherty has discovered the downside to taking lots of drugs - it tends to compromise your organs.
Now Pete has canceled his Irish tour and checked himself into the hospital. He went in addicted to street drugs, he will come out addicted to prescription drugs.
In either case, he will be broke as a motherfucker.
Someone Else Interviewed Michael Lohan
People keep interviewing Michael Lohan. This time it was Radar, and the subject of his daughter Lindsay's drug habit came up.
Wait a second. Lindsay has a drug habit? I thought she kicked that at the same time she got over pussy.
Not so, apparently. Not according to Michael who claims to have detailed knowledge of Lindsay's exact drug-related activities, right down to the identity of her drug dealer, whom Michael describes this way:
This guy follows Lindsay all over the place. All over. Lindsay pays for him to go everywhere. He has no job. No job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA.
Sounds to me like he does have a job: drug dealer. Which is, frankly, more of a job than you have Michael. It's certainly a more honorable occupation than leech/fake preacher.
I suggest people stop asking Michael to speak. And if he demands to speak, they ignore him.
Uh-Oh
Last week a woman sued Dr. Phil, claiming the TV shrink had, among other heinous things, brainwashed her and locked her in a room with a naked man (who was, thankfully, not Dr. Phil).
The world scoffed at the woman's accusations, believing her at best a fraud, at worst insane.
Until, that is, a second woman came out making the same exact accusation. Brainwashing. Locked room. Naked man. Genitalia.
Now, it seems, we are forced to face the unspeakable: Dr. Phil is a complete sex pervert.
Never saw that one coming.
Fat Angry Drug Addict On The Loose
Rush Limbaugh is mad that people keep attributing racist quotes to him that (he claims) he never uttered. And the fat drug addict pantload is threatening legal action against the people responsible.
An example of something Rush never said: "Slavery built the South. I’m not saying we should bring it back. I’m just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark."
Rush is also accused of saying that pro football looks like, "a game between the Bloods and Crips without any weapons." Actually, that one he did say. But the other one he didn't. I know because he said he didn't. And that's good enough for me, because Rush Limbaugh is a great American unlike that Nazi pig-fucker Barack Obama.
