Kevin Federline has reportedly been in Las Vegas filming a pilot for a new reality show that will spotlight his life as a father.
"He has been through a lot over the years, but handled himself very well. He’s learned how to balance being a super single dad and the chaotic life of business, fame and fortune," a source spouted. "He strives to be a good father."
Looks to me like he's mostly been striving to give himself a coronary, but whatever. Clearly, this show is only being produced because it will feature K-Fat and Britney's kids. I'm sure Britney will be thrilled about this, once the drugs wear off enough for her to feel.
Kevin Federline has reportedly been in Las Vegas filming a pilot for a new reality show that will spotlight his life as a father.
How long is Scarlett Johansson going to keep up this "please forget about my breasts and take me seriously" campaign? Just give in to it Scarlett. You're a pair of tits attached to a body. It's gotten you this far, and now you're suddenly going to veer down this other road?
Daddy took Zuma to the beach. Mommy was too busy bleaching her pubic hairs. Zuma's head isn't quite as freakishly huge as Richie's kid's, but give him/her a few weeks.
Should an albino baby be getting this much sun?
Sorry Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner fans - this is only for a music video. They aren't an item. I totally wish they were though. I wish they'd get married and have babies and enter their babies in those cutest baby contests. They would win every one. The other couples would be like, "They should be totally disqualified." And Taylor and Taylor would be like, "Suck my awesome genes, jealous hating bitches."
That peg-legged fiend Heather Mills has gotten a hairstyle strangely reminiscent of Kate Gosselin's. Does she think this is going to make people like her more? Only Heather Mills would be clueless enough to think emulating Kate Gosselin will increase her popularity. Stupid Pogo.
Barry Obama, Professor Gates and that knucklehead cop had their little beer sit-down at the White House yesterday as promised. Oh, and Joe Biden crashed it, cause Joe Biden has nothing better to do (put on a hat Joe - your head is endangering low-flying aircraft).
And we learned what from this learning moment? That pundits would rather discuss the brands of beer being consumed than the racial issues the whole affair was meant to highlight. That Barry Obama clearly sees himself as a populist/activist in the Teddy Roosevelt mode...except he doesn't have anything resembling Teddy's political cojones.
Dear Barry: If you're going to use the Bully Pulpit, you can't be afraid to bully people. But you won't even take on a Congress dominated by members of your own party. In your hands it's more like the Pansy Pulpit.
Perez Hilton is attempting to make a big deal of this video of K-Stew getting "caught" sucking down a Heineken during some downtime on the set of Runaways. Oh, all right, she's 19, so it's underage drinking. Sure Perez. Like you weren't already an alcoholic by 19.
It's an idiotic law anyway. If you're old enough to be sent to war, you're old enough to drink. If you're old enough to be breathed on by Robert Pattinson, you're also old enough to drink. K-Stew can do whatever she wants. Perez? He needs to go take another Clearasil bath.
Joe Jackson gave an interview in which he claimed Omer Bhatti, the rapper Michael Jackson mentored, was in fact Michael's son.
"He looks like a Jackson, acts like a Jackson, can dance like a Jackson," Joe said, adding, "And can take a smack in the face like a Jackson." I made that last part up.
I remember this dress from Star Trek. It was on some green chick with antennae who Captain Kirk ended up fucking. It looked like shit on her too, but at least she had an excuse: she was a green chick on Star Trek.
Gwyneth's liquid detox program appears to have sucked all the humanity out of her face. There wasn't much left to suck, though, was there?
I hadn't been paying attention to the flap over Rachelle Lefevre's firing from the Twilight series and replacement with Ron Howard's fugly daughter - because, being an adult male of normal intelligence, I don't give a shit about Twilight - but then I saw the words "studio fires back at Rachelle Lefevre" and I thought, "Hmm, what's all this then?"
And then I actually read the article and went back to not giving a shit.
For the record, the studio - who also took heat for firing the director, as I recall; maybe these folks just enjoy firing people? - says Rachelle was shitcanned from the third movie in the series because of a scheduling conflict, and say they are angry that Rachelle chose to make her issues public.
"We at Summit Entertainment are disappointed by Rachelle Lefevre's recent comments, which attempt to make her career choices the fault of the studio," the statement reads. "Her decision to discuss her version of the scheduling challenges publicly has forced the studio to set the record straight and correct the facts.
"Ms. Lefevre's representatives were advised as early as April that The Twilight Saga: Eclipse was expected to start shooting in early August.
"If Ms. Lefevre was, as she describes, 'passionate' about being part of the Twilight saga, we feel that she and her representatives would have included us in her decision to work on another film that would conflict with the shooting schedule of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse."
Blahblahblah we hate her guts, then the statement concludes, ""Contrary to Ms. Lefevre's statement, it is simply untrue that the studio dismissed her over a 10-day overlap. It is not about a 10-day overlap, but instead about the fact that The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is an ensemble production that has to accommodate the schedules of numerous actors while respecting the established creative vision of the filmmaker and most importantly the story."Hollywood people are so slimy, even reading their statements makes you want to scrape yourself with a spatula, then roll around in skunk shit to get a better smell in your nose.
Mel Gibson has had a battery report filed against him by a man claiming the actor went after him at a club in L.A.
Hollyscoop says Gibson and his girlfriend Oksana Howeveryousayitskaya were enjoying themselves in a respectable fashion at this new "hotspot" Playhouse when some douchebag reporter started taking Mel's picture and pissing him off.
Mel managed to chase the reporter off, but the persistent fucker sent her friend back with the camera to get more snaps, and that's when Mel, uh, snapped.
"Mel approached the guy who tried to take his picture and ripped his shirt," a source said.
Mel soon gathered up his pregnant Sugartits and stormed out of the club. The assaultee was, last anyone heard, heading off to tell the cops on Mel. More to come as publicists release statements.
These guys are hilarious. I'd love to see them in a movie playing a pair of hobos or crusty newspaper reporters. They could be the new Lemmon and Matthau. Get on it Hollywood.
Mad Men season 3 begins on August 16. Here's a little lame-ass video preview courtesy of AMC. All I have to say is, "More Trudy!"
Posted by Melvin Ayatollahofrock'nrolla at 2:53 PM
In Sudan, the problem is women wearing trousers. Women like Lubna Hussein, a journalist who is on trial for breaking a law against pants on females. Should Lubna be convicted, she would face 40 lashes, which doesn't really sound like a punishment to me, but whatever.
In America we have the opposite problem - women not wearing trousers. In this country, the fattest pieces of white trash shit insist on parading around in shorts and mini-skirts...and there needs to be a law against it. Fatties convicted of not wearing long pants, or mumus, or something that covers up their disgusting folds and rolls and cellulite, would be forced to eat cauliflower and other icky healthy shit until they either lose all the fat or agree to never make a spectacle of their nastiness again. A second offense would mean beheading.
I used to think Jack Nicholson was eternally cool, but I don't anymore. He's just a fat old white meatball now and he needs to put a shirt on and go find a gin rummy game somewhere. And stop making an ass of himself with young women. Yeah, I know, he's gonna live it up till he drops. Well, fuck me in the earhole for saying so, but I sort of wish he'd drop.
George Clooney has forsaken gold-diggers, and taken up with an Italian model, Elisabetta Canelis, who was already a rich jet-setter before they hooked up. Maybe this is the one he'll finally marry. Or maybe he'll just fuck her until he's sick of her, then move on to another piece of ass (I would advise the latter).
They let Mischa Barton out of the hospital, but clearly, she is still not all right. She's still bloated-looking, which is odd for an anorexic. Now she's supposedly going back to work on her TV show? Wow. I had no idea she'd scored an actual acting gig. Yet she still tried to kill herself? Girl's a human Tunguska event.
Is there anything cooler than a paunchy 30-plus soon-to-be-divorced pothead co-ed-fucker who loiters in the street in designer sunglasses with a diamond stud in his lobe and a heater dangling from his lips? Not in my universe.
Brad Pitt has gone from that little pedophile mustache to a goatee. Suggestion Brad: shave. Unless Angie likes the look. Then obviously you have to stick with it. Angie must be obeyed, otherwise no more "trips to the park" with Zahara.
That little weird kid in the blue hat is another Jonas Brother, Frankie. He's 8, which means he's still a couple years from ripeness. When he hits 12, Disney can start exploiting him. His older brothers will all be crack-addict burn-outs by then, so it will all be up to him. The Queen Jonas has only just laid her eggs in the nursery chamber, so more help won't be coming for a few years yet.
Katie's in Australia filming some kind of movie I guess. Well, I'll give her credit - she's not surrendering, even though her film career is just about in Lindsay Lohan territory. Here we see Katie enjoying a frolic with Suri. Don't they look happy? Like a couple of little fleeing prisoners enjoying their first taste of freedom.
Someone finally makes sense of Sarah Palin. Thank you Conan O'Brien. Thank you short little wizened man who used to play the dashing, horny space captain.
Christian Bale got bitten by a zombie and now, of course, he is a zombie. The only thing left is to shoot him in the head, or chop his head off with an axe, or impale his head with a spike, or give him his own reality show on MTV.
I believe almost everything I see on the internet, but this picture of Madonna? I don't believe it. Gotta be photoshop. Or unfortunate lighting. Madonna needs to find the person responsible for this and knock them out with her patented sleeper hold, then push her pinky finger through their ribcage and into their heart. That'll learn 'em.
It's impossible for Gerard Butler to not be hot. Even when he's picking his nose. Even when he's following Aniston around like a dog. Even when he's rubbing himself against Hayden Pantyliner.
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John Travolta has become a sad, babbling shadow of his former self lately, consumed with grief over the death of his son, and racked with guilt over his belief that his idiotic Scientology principles contributed to the autistic Jett's shocking and premature demise.
Travolta has become so disillusioned with Scientology, in fact, that he wants to leave the church. Unfortunately, the church has a long record of destroying the reputations of those who try to break free of it (that's how tolerant, open-minded folks always behave). Travolta's friends say he is terrified that if he tries to escape the cult, they will release damaging facts about his personal life.
So John has finally had to face the reality that his "religion" is nothing but a front for thuggishness and extortion? He's finally realized that attributing autism to "bad thetans" and treating it with saunas is a load of hogwash the likes of which no sane person would ever believe?
Too bad he couldn't have figured that out before Jett choked to death on those potato chips (or whatever the hell actually happened). Maybe then the little retard would still be alive to frolic and romp and drool lollipop juice on himself.
Travolta now knows what the Crabster realized long ago: it's better to believe in nothing.
Matthew McConaughey and his chiquita took a break from fucking to walk around in flip-flops while grinning like Sarah Palin fans in front of a giant disco ball. Flip-flops on men bother me. Don't know why. When I see them, I just want to take a sledgehammer to their toes.
Posted by Melvin Ayatollahofrock'nrolla at 1:10 PM
Does this look like a happy woman to you? One who's pleased with the direction her life is going? One who's glad to finally have that stinking no-good cheating pot-smoking immature dipshit husband out of her hair? She's dragging her own recyclables down the driveway! Where did the minions go? She's disintegrating before our eyes, and you fuckers are probably happy about it.
Yeah, Jon Gosselin is still hanging out with Michael Lohan. They've been going to Bible class together. This is a special Bible class held in a strip club. The strippers queef the verses. It's really beautiful.
I don't know who I feel sorrier for, Michael for hanging out with Gosselin or Gosselin for hanging out with Michael. Actually, I feel most sorry for the blonde girl. I don't know who she is, but, if she's fucking Michael Lohan, she must be the saddest, most clueless bitch in the world not named Sarah Palin.
It's being alleged by slimy people like Perez Hilton that Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Camilla Belle have broken up. Well, I don't know what these fuckers have to gain by spreading rumors like that. Leave those kids alone, damn it! They deserve the same chance at happiness as everyone else, don't they? Even if they are basically Satanic shitstains upon the earth.
Sunday was Sarah Palin's last day on the job as Alaska governor. Well, okay - in all honesty, her last actual day of work was a couple of weeks ago; but Sunday was the day she officially stepped down, inspiring impromptu renditions of "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" all over Alaska.
Now of course everyone's asking, "What's next for Sarah?" To which I reply, "Gee, I don't know, running for president?" Clearly, that's what the woman intends doing. Anyone who thinks differently is dangerously naive. And yes, I know she's facing ethics charges and blah blah, but do you think that matters to the assholes who would comprise her voter base?
You think the kind of brainless yahoos who support the likes of Glenn Beck and Dick Cheney would allow Palin's complete lack of ethics or, frankly, brains to come between them and their queen? They won't even remember that shit come 2012. And yeah, I'm putting her up against Obama in '12. She wants to be Reagan with tits, and Obama, the way he's going, could easily be her Carter.
Carrie Prejean is looking for a new career now that she's through as a beauty queen. Punditry is out - even on FOX News you have to be semi-coherent - and that whole book writing thing is just a scam. So what's a girl with fake tits and no talent to do (if she's too virtuous to suck it up and work the pole?)? I got it - sing at race tracks! Oh, Carrie Prejean's golden pipes.
Andy Rooney attempted to say a few words about his old pal Walter Cronkite at the dead newsman's funeral, but as we see, couldn't hack it. "You ever notice how emotional old men get when talking about the dead? It's because they know it's going to be them soon. By the way, I'm not a vampire, no matter what you may have read." Aw, poor Andy. Somebody wipe his chin and take him fishing. That'll cheer him up.
Geekery has descended upon San Diego for the annual dorkgy known as Comic Con. K-Stew and the other stars of New Moon are there because...well, that's where the fanboys and fangirls are. You gotta move product. Of course we know that K-Stew - love the red shoes - is totally above the whole thing, and would much rather be off somewhere smoking a bowl and listening to Bat for Lashes. But she's stuck having to pretend she wants to be within ten yards of Robert Pattinson and that Lautner character (every time I see him I think, "He's the Jonas brother who went wrong and ended up doing some time in juvie").
I see K still tying little knots in her shirts. I sent her ten emails telling her to stop that, but, girl don't listen for shit.
Scarlett fanboys have been up-in-arms lately, screaming that their girl is no longer giving them as much boobalicious pleasure as she used to. It appears Scarlett has grown tired of her buxom sex-bomb persona and is trying to de-emphasize the hooters, thinking this will make people take her seriously. This dress here definitely seems calculated to take the onus off the tittays. Plus, it appears Scarlett has had her head inflated somehow, to trick our eyes into thinking her milkbags aren't as bodacious as before. Well, whatever. It's her life.
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Dear Katy Perry: See honey, here's how it works - you don't get to be edgy, then go on the Today Show and clown with Matt Lauer. Doesn't matter how many chicks you kiss, how many knives you play with, how many tattooed douchebags you lay down with - two seconds in the presence of Lauer and all that is gone. Pick a persona and run with it, 'kay fuckflakes?
Maddox is sporting a new style lately. Basically, he no longer looks like a kid, but a little miniature dude, complete with mustache. How is a 7-year-old growing a mustache? I know Asians are sometimes freaky that way but, dang man, he must've been exposed to radiation or some Sasquatch genes.
I know the thrown-together ragamuffiny thing is Johnny's style and all but...I'm sorry, I have a problem with the vest and the jeans. Either lose the vest or put a pair of big-boy pants on. He also needs to wash his hair.
Some joint called Millions of Milkshakes has paid Lindsay Lohan to let them put her name on one of their shakes, a concoction of vanilla ice cream, chocolate swirl and Oreos. When you drink it though, it mysteriously tastes like vodka, ciggies and jizz-spattered bathroom tile. Weird.
Tim Burton's particular fantasy world is one I've experienced quite enough. Therefore I am lukewarm on the prospect of seeing his new movie, Alice in Wonderland, which comes out in 2010. Yeah, I get that CGI opens up all sorts of wonderful new possibilities, like making Helena Bonham Carter seem even weirder, but...enough.
My hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow grows more powerful with each passing day. Soon it will consume me...but it will make such a lovely flame.
By the way, if anyone tries that recipe - tell me if it's any good, 'kay?
Madonna, in a typically desperate bid for credibility among artsy types (remember her asshole Sex coffee table book and her equally asshole remake of German New Wave director Lina Wertmuller's Swept Away), has had some L.A. street artist called Mr. Brainwash design her new album cover. And that's it. A picture of Madonna looking like she's about to hurl that some jag-off stained with piss. Uh, yeah. Fucking profound shit right there.
Not sure why anyone would bother running pictures of Christina Ricci. What was the last thing she did? That thing where she had a pig snout? That thing with her and Samuel L. Jackson where she was chained up in his house? The last thing I remember her being any good in was that picture with Charlize as Aileen Wuornos, and she was second-fiddle all the way in that. By the way, did I mention that I have a huge full-back tattoo of Aileen Wuornos? No, not really. It's actually Albert Fish.
Patrick Swayze's rep has had to shoot down more "Patrick Swayze is Dead or About to be" rumors by debunking a tabloid report claiming the actor had suffered a heart attack.
"He's well," the rep told Access Hollywood. "He's continuing his treatment and doing very well, actually. Contrary to reports, he did not suffer a heart attack and has even gained a little weight."
Okay, let's clear one thing up: Patrick Swayze is not "well." He might be better than he has been, but he is probably never going to be "well" ever again, unless someone comes up with a miracle cure for pancreatic cancer. Sorry to sound harsh but I can't stand that phony talk.
The Birthers, for those who think news begins and ends with Kate Gosselin's activities, are a group of nutwads, led by such senior wackfaces as Lou Dobbs, who believe that Barack Obama is not a native-born American and therefore isn't eligible to be president. These freaks base their entire argument on the fact that Barack has allegedly not produced sufficient evidence of citizenship - an argument Jon Stewart took apart with typical incisiveness and wit last night on The Daily Show.
Actually, my beef with the Birthers has nothing to do with what they believe, the theories of wackjobs constituting nothing more than extra static fizzing and popping in the ether around me. My problem with them is that they go around calling themselves "the Birthers." You know what that name sounds like to me? Something from a bad science fiction movie. There were the Steriles, and then there were the Birthers. And they were led by Octomom.
Clearly, the anti-Barack nutjobs can't fight him on ideas or policies, because that would require the ability to comprehend something more complicated than a made-up conspiracy plot of the type Lou Dobbs enjoys propagating. Sad.
Brad Pitt admits in a new interview that - shock! - he doesn't believe in God.
"I'm probably 20 per cent atheist and 80 per cent agnostic," Pitt told some German rag. "I don't think anyone really knows. You'll either find out or not when you get there, until then there's no point thinking about it."
And all this time I thought God was a little man living in Angie's vagina. I guess Brad has shot that down. Unless he's only saying that to throw us off the trail. Gosh, I hope God gets out of the way before Brad shoots his love ick into Angie's holy place. That would be an awkward headline, no? "God Drowned by Brat Pitt's Ejaculate." Well, if Brad's telling the truth, we won't have to worry about ever reading that. That's one less thing to fret about.
Oh no Jon Gosselin...why are you hanging out with Michael Lohan? Fuck man, don't borrow him any money. Or let him near any woman you're fucking. Or listen to anything he says. You thought Kate was a bloodsucker, but you ain't seen nothing till you've spent five minutes within range of a Lohan.
(He's not buttering up Michael to try and get a shot at Lindsay is he? After Hailey Glassman, Lindsay would seem the next logical step up the disgusting skanky party girl ladder.)
Rupert Everett has gone off on another of his crazy rants, attacking everyone from Michael Jackson to Barack Obama to America to...Gwyneth Paltrow?
Oh, I love it when he's off his meds. Here's Rupert on why Michael Jackson is better off being dead:
He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel. He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation - that killed him.
[Jackson] personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died.
He does know that slavery was abolished, right? Oh, who cares. Here's Rupert on Barack:
We're living in very strange times.
We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It's absolutely fascinating to watch.
And here's Rupert on why he hates America:
Straight [after 9/11], this cruel and nasty city [of New York] was hit with a sudden wave of compassion. Everyone looked out for everyone. I thought that could be the beginning of something amazing.
It felt like it was a new beginning but then the rain started and President Bush came in and began the war. The whole country just changed and became completely alien to me. We came to America as kids because England was stuffy and constipated. The U.S. used to be a breath of fresh air but Bush changed all that.
[America] is a weird place now. ... cartoons are more realistic than real-life. Family Guy, The Simpsons and Shrek are much more believable than action films. People react to cartoons rather than life. That is a tragedy.
Yeah, yeah...but what about Gwyneth?
If I had the choice of being on a desert island with Jordan [aka Katie Price] or Gwyneth Paltrow, I would choose Jordan.
With Jordan you get the truth. She's treated like a quasi-hooker, whereas Gwyneth is seen as the patron saint of good living. Which one has more integrity? I would much rather have Jordan any day.
Well, you only want to hang out with Jordan for the skin care tips, but whatever. Anyone who hates Gwyneth Paltrow is okay in my book.
Katherine Jackson is seeking custody of son Michael's weirdo kids, but once she gets it, TMZ says the actual child-raising will fall to another Jackson, Michael's older sister Rebbie.
Rebbie is reportedly the family's unanimous choice to take care of the kids. Could this have something to do with the fact that she has no career to put on hold? Actually, neither do most of the Jacksons, so that's sort of irrelevant.
Rebbie looks to me like a skinny Wanda Sykes. She will need Wanda's sense of humor - and lots of money for therapists and drugs - if she wants to survive raising children who were once in the care of Michael Jackson.
LaBoof has discovered a new means of getting around in the wake of the traffic accident that nearly cost him a finger - a dorky bike. Cool. But, um, should he be listening to music while pedaling around? And shouldn't he be wearing a helmet? I shouldn't I be sitting in his lap?
Kate Gosselin dressed herself and the girls up in matching adorable pink outfits and went to the pediatrician. Who says no one takes trouble about their appearance anymore? Kate's pretty put together for a modern woman. Most bitches these days, they throw on a soiled tank-top and a pair of jeans they've had for ten years - and that's to go to the opera. People gotta stop doggin' Kate. Too much jealouzy.
Lady GaGa did an interview on German television dressed in an outfit made of Kermits. I'm guessing this was some kind of animal rights statement? "You wouldn't wear a whole outfit made of dead Kermits, would you?" Well, no Lady GaGa, only you would. And by the way, Kermit isn't a real frog, he's a puppet, so...fail.