K-Flab Lands Reality Show

Kevin Federline has reportedly been in Las Vegas filming a pilot for a new reality show that will spotlight his life as a father.

"He has been through a lot over the years, but handled himself very well. He’s learned how to balance being a super single dad and the chaotic life of business, fame and fortune," a source spouted. "He strives to be a good father."

Looks to me like he's mostly been striving to give himself a coronary, but whatever. Clearly, this show is only being produced because it will feature K-Fat and Britney's kids. I'm sure Britney will be thrilled about this, once the drugs wear off enough for her to feel.

What's The Use Of Changing Horses In Mid-Stream?

How long is Scarlett Johansson going to keep up this "please forget about my breasts and take me seriously" campaign? Just give in to it Scarlett. You're a pair of tits attached to a body. It's gotten you this far, and now you're suddenly going to veer down this other road?

More Baby Big Head

Daddy took Zuma to the beach. Mommy was too busy bleaching her pubic hairs. Zuma's head isn't quite as freakishly huge as Richie's kid's, but give him/her a few weeks.

Should an albino baby be getting this much sun?

Think What Cute Babies They'd Have

Sorry Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner fans - this is only for a music video. They aren't an item. I totally wish they were though. I wish they'd get married and have babies and enter their babies in those cutest baby contests. They would win every one. The other couples would be like, "They should be totally disqualified." And Taylor and Taylor would be like, "Suck my awesome genes, jealous hating bitches."

This Amused Me

That peg-legged fiend Heather Mills has gotten a hairstyle strangely reminiscent of Kate Gosselin's. Does she think this is going to make people like her more? Only Heather Mills would be clueless enough to think emulating Kate Gosselin will increase her popularity. Stupid Pogo.

The March Of The Desperate

"Come and get it boys. Don't worry about knocking me up. I'm more barren than Sarah Palin's intellectual life."

I Feel Like I Learned. I Don't Know About You.

Barry Obama, Professor Gates and that knucklehead cop had their little beer sit-down at the White House yesterday as promised. Oh, and Joe Biden crashed it, cause Joe Biden has nothing better to do (put on a hat Joe - your head is endangering low-flying aircraft).

And we learned what from this learning moment? That pundits would rather discuss the brands of beer being consumed than the racial issues the whole affair was meant to highlight. That Barry Obama clearly sees himself as a populist/activist in the Teddy Roosevelt mode...except he doesn't have anything resembling Teddy's political cojones.

Dear Barry: If you're going to use the Bully Pulpit, you can't be afraid to bully people. But you won't even take on a Congress dominated by members of your own party. In your hands it's more like the Pansy Pulpit.

Leave Her Alone, Clearasil Boy!

Perez Hilton is attempting to make a big deal of this video of K-Stew getting "caught" sucking down a Heineken during some downtime on the set of Runaways. Oh, all right, she's 19, so it's underage drinking. Sure Perez. Like you weren't already an alcoholic by 19.

It's an idiotic law anyway. If you're old enough to be sent to war, you're old enough to drink. If you're old enough to be breathed on by Robert Pattinson, you're also old enough to drink. K-Stew can do whatever she wants. Perez? He needs to go take another Clearasil bath.

Am I Michael Jackson's Son Too?

Joe Jackson gave an interview in which he claimed Omer Bhatti, the rapper Michael Jackson mentored, was in fact Michael's son.

"He looks like a Jackson, acts like a Jackson, can dance like a Jackson," Joe said, adding, "And can take a smack in the face like a Jackson." I made that last part up.

Flattering

I remember this dress from Star Trek. It was on some green chick with antennae who Captain Kirk ended up fucking. It looked like shit on her too, but at least she had an excuse: she was a green chick on Star Trek.

Gwyneth's liquid detox program appears to have sucked all the humanity out of her face. There wasn't much left to suck, though, was there?

Twilight Flap

I hadn't been paying attention to the flap over Rachelle Lefevre's firing from the Twilight series and replacement with Ron Howard's fugly daughter - because, being an adult male of normal intelligence, I don't give a shit about Twilight - but then I saw the words "studio fires back at Rachelle Lefevre" and I thought, "Hmm, what's all this then?"

And then I actually read the article and went back to not giving a shit.

For the record, the studio - who also took heat for firing the director, as I recall; maybe these folks just enjoy firing people? - says Rachelle was shitcanned from the third movie in the series because of a scheduling conflict, and say they are angry that Rachelle chose to make her issues public.

"We at Summit Entertainment are disappointed by Rachelle Lefevre's recent comments, which attempt to make her career choices the fault of the studio," the statement reads. "Her decision to discuss her version of the scheduling challenges publicly has forced the studio to set the record straight and correct the facts.

"Ms. Lefevre's representatives were advised as early as April that The Twilight Saga: Eclipse was expected to start shooting in early August.

"If Ms. Lefevre was, as she describes, 'passionate' about being part of the Twilight saga, we feel that she and her representatives would have included us in her decision to work on another film that would conflict with the shooting schedule of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse."

Blahblahblah we hate her guts, then the statement concludes, ""Contrary to Ms. Lefevre's statement, it is simply untrue that the studio dismissed her over a 10-day overlap. It is not about a 10-day overlap, but instead about the fact that The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is an ensemble production that has to accommodate the schedules of numerous actors while respecting the established creative vision of the filmmaker and most importantly the story."

Hollywood people are so slimy, even reading their statements makes you want to scrape yourself with a spatula, then roll around in skunk shit to get a better smell in your nose.

The Mel Is Loose!

Mel Gibson has had a battery report filed against him by a man claiming the actor went after him at a club in L.A.

Hollyscoop says Gibson and his girlfriend Oksana Howeveryousayitskaya were enjoying themselves in a respectable fashion at this new "hotspot" Playhouse when some douchebag reporter started taking Mel's picture and pissing him off.

Mel managed to chase the reporter off, but the persistent fucker sent her friend back with the camera to get more snaps, and that's when Mel, uh, snapped.

"Mel approached the guy who tried to take his picture and ripped his shirt," a source said.

Mel soon gathered up his pregnant Sugartits and stormed out of the club. The assaultee was, last anyone heard, heading off to tell the cops on Mel. More to come as publicists release statements.

Wacky Fuckers

These guys are hilarious. I'd love to see them in a movie playing a pair of hobos or crusty newspaper reporters. They could be the new Lemmon and Matthau. Get on it Hollywood.

They Better Not Mess It Up

Mad Men season 3 begins on August 16. Here's a little lame-ass video preview courtesy of AMC. All I have to say is, "More Trudy!"

How America Is Different From Sudan

In Sudan, the problem is women wearing trousers. Women like Lubna Hussein, a journalist who is on trial for breaking a law against pants on females. Should Lubna be convicted, she would face 40 lashes, which doesn't really sound like a punishment to me, but whatever.

In America we have the opposite problem - women not wearing trousers. In this country, the fattest pieces of white trash shit insist on parading around in shorts and mini-skirts...and there needs to be a law against it. Fatties convicted of not wearing long pants, or mumus, or something that covers up their disgusting folds and rolls and cellulite, would be forced to eat cauliflower and other icky healthy shit until they either lose all the fat or agree to never make a spectacle of their nastiness again. A second offense would mean beheading.

Fat Old Fool

I used to think Jack Nicholson was eternally cool, but I don't anymore. He's just a fat old white meatball now and he needs to put a shirt on and go find a gin rummy game somewhere. And stop making an ass of himself with young women. Yeah, I know, he's gonna live it up till he drops. Well, fuck me in the earhole for saying so, but I sort of wish he'd drop.

No More Gold-Diggers

George Clooney has forsaken gold-diggers, and taken up with an Italian model, Elisabetta Canelis, who was already a rich jet-setter before they hooked up. Maybe this is the one he'll finally marry. Or maybe he'll just fuck her until he's sick of her, then move on to another piece of ass (I would advise the latter).

Still Not Right

They let Mischa Barton out of the hospital, but clearly, she is still not all right. She's still bloated-looking, which is odd for an anorexic. Now she's supposedly going back to work on her TV show? Wow. I had no idea she'd scored an actual acting gig. Yet she still tried to kill herself? Girl's a human Tunguska event.

Can't Stand The Coolness

Is there anything cooler than a paunchy 30-plus soon-to-be-divorced pothead co-ed-fucker who loiters in the street in designer sunglasses with a diamond stud in his lobe and a heater dangling from his lips? Not in my universe.

Facial Hair Issues

Brad Pitt has gone from that little pedophile mustache to a goatee. Suggestion Brad: shave. Unless Angie likes the look. Then obviously you have to stick with it. Angie must be obeyed, otherwise no more "trips to the park" with Zahara.

More Jonases

That little weird kid in the blue hat is another Jonas Brother, Frankie. He's 8, which means he's still a couple years from ripeness. When he hits 12, Disney can start exploiting him. His older brothers will all be crack-addict burn-outs by then, so it will all be up to him. The Queen Jonas has only just laid her eggs in the nursery chamber, so more help won't be coming for a few years yet.

Free-Range Cruises

Katie's in Australia filming some kind of movie I guess. Well, I'll give her credit - she's not surrendering, even though her film career is just about in Lindsay Lohan territory. Here we see Katie enjoying a frolic with Suri. Don't they look happy? Like a couple of little fleeing prisoners enjoying their first taste of freedom.

At Last, Sarah Palin Makes Sense

Someone finally makes sense of Sarah Palin. Thank you Conan O'Brien. Thank you short little wizened man who used to play the dashing, horny space captain.

The Caboose Is Loose

Kim Kardashian no longer has that Reggie Bush guy to stroke her gigantic ass. Yeah, she's single. Young, rich, black men: On your mark, get set, grab the ho!!!

Zombie Bale

Christian Bale got bitten by a zombie and now, of course, he is a zombie. The only thing left is to shoot him in the head, or chop his head off with an axe, or impale his head with a spike, or give him his own reality show on MTV.

This Can't Be Real

I believe almost everything I see on the internet, but this picture of Madonna? I don't believe it. Gotta be photoshop. Or unfortunate lighting. Madonna needs to find the person responsible for this and knock them out with her patented sleeper hold, then push her pinky finger through their ribcage and into their heart. That'll learn 'em.

Still Hot

It's impossible for Gerard Butler to not be hot. Even when he's picking his nose. Even when he's following Aniston around like a dog. Even when he's rubbing himself against Hayden Pantyliner.

Follow Crabbie on Twitter. Read his insightful reviews of the Mad Men Season 1 actor commentaries.

Smiling Tara

Tara Reid is happy...happy she's not Mischa Barton. We all need someone to look down on.

Travolta's Scientology Fears

John Travolta has become a sad, babbling shadow of his former self lately, consumed with grief over the death of his son, and racked with guilt over his belief that his idiotic Scientology principles contributed to the autistic Jett's shocking and premature demise.

Travolta has become so disillusioned with Scientology, in fact, that he wants to leave the church. Unfortunately, the church has a long record of destroying the reputations of those who try to break free of it (that's how tolerant, open-minded folks always behave). Travolta's friends say he is terrified that if he tries to escape the cult, they will release damaging facts about his personal life.

So John has finally had to face the reality that his "religion" is nothing but a front for thuggishness and extortion? He's finally realized that attributing autism to "bad thetans" and treating it with saunas is a load of hogwash the likes of which no sane person would ever believe?

Too bad he couldn't have figured that out before Jett choked to death on those potato chips (or whatever the hell actually happened). Maybe then the little retard would still be alive to frolic and romp and drool lollipop juice on himself.

Travolta now knows what the Crabster realized long ago: it's better to believe in nothing.

Flip-Flop Fiends

Matthew McConaughey and his chiquita took a break from fucking to walk around in flip-flops while grinning like Sarah Palin fans in front of a giant disco ball. Flip-flops on men bother me. Don't know why. When I see them, I just want to take a sledgehammer to their toes.

Sienna's Worst Outfit Ever?

Sienna Miller took some meth and got hold of a Bedazzler. Her hair and make-up make her look like that fat terrorist singer from the Dixie Chicks.

Not A Happy Woman

Does this look like a happy woman to you? One who's pleased with the direction her life is going? One who's glad to finally have that stinking no-good cheating pot-smoking immature dipshit husband out of her hair? She's dragging her own recyclables down the driveway! Where did the minions go? She's disintegrating before our eyes, and you fuckers are probably happy about it.

Who's The Ho Next To The Other Hos?

Yeah, Jon Gosselin is still hanging out with Michael Lohan. They've been going to Bible class together. This is a special Bible class held in a strip club. The strippers queef the verses. It's really beautiful.

I don't know who I feel sorrier for, Michael for hanging out with Gosselin or Gosselin for hanging out with Michael. Actually, I feel most sorry for the blonde girl. I don't know who she is, but, if she's fucking Michael Lohan, she must be the saddest, most clueless bitch in the world not named Sarah Palin.

This Probably Sucks

It's being alleged by slimy people like Perez Hilton that Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Camilla Belle have broken up. Well, I don't know what these fuckers have to gain by spreading rumors like that. Leave those kids alone, damn it! They deserve the same chance at happiness as everyone else, don't they? Even if they are basically Satanic shitstains upon the earth.

See You, Bitch

Sunday was Sarah Palin's last day on the job as Alaska governor. Well, okay - in all honesty, her last actual day of work was a couple of weeks ago; but Sunday was the day she officially stepped down, inspiring impromptu renditions of "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" all over Alaska.

Now of course everyone's asking, "What's next for Sarah?" To which I reply, "Gee, I don't know, running for president?" Clearly, that's what the woman intends doing. Anyone who thinks differently is dangerously naive. And yes, I know she's facing ethics charges and blah blah, but do you think that matters to the assholes who would comprise her voter base?

You think the kind of brainless yahoos who support the likes of Glenn Beck and Dick Cheney would allow Palin's complete lack of ethics or, frankly, brains to come between them and their queen? They won't even remember that shit come 2012. And yeah, I'm putting her up against Obama in '12. She wants to be Reagan with tits, and Obama, the way he's going, could easily be her Carter.

Oh, Sweetie

Carrie Prejean is looking for a new career now that she's through as a beauty queen. Punditry is out - even on FOX News you have to be semi-coherent - and that whole book writing thing is just a scam. So what's a girl with fake tits and no talent to do (if she's too virtuous to suck it up and work the pole?)? I got it - sing at race tracks! Oh, Carrie Prejean's golden pipes.

Andy Rooney As You've Never Seen Him Before: Showing Human Emotion

Andy Rooney attempted to say a few words about his old pal Walter Cronkite at the dead newsman's funeral, but as we see, couldn't hack it. "You ever notice how emotional old men get when talking about the dead? It's because they know it's going to be them soon. By the way, I'm not a vampire, no matter what you may have read." Aw, poor Andy. Somebody wipe his chin and take him fishing. That'll cheer him up.

K-Stew Sammich

Geekery has descended upon San Diego for the annual dorkgy known as Comic Con. K-Stew and the other stars of New Moon are there because...well, that's where the fanboys and fangirls are. You gotta move product. Of course we know that K-Stew - love the red shoes - is totally above the whole thing, and would much rather be off somewhere smoking a bowl and listening to Bat for Lashes. But she's stuck having to pretend she wants to be within ten yards of Robert Pattinson and that Lautner character (every time I see him I think, "He's the Jonas brother who went wrong and ended up doing some time in juvie").

I see K still tying little knots in her shirts. I sent her ten emails telling her to stop that, but, girl don't listen for shit.

Breast Reduction

Scarlett fanboys have been up-in-arms lately, screaming that their girl is no longer giving them as much boobalicious pleasure as she used to. It appears Scarlett has grown tired of her buxom sex-bomb persona and is trying to de-emphasize the hooters, thinking this will make people take her seriously. This dress here definitely seems calculated to take the onus off the tittays. Plus, it appears Scarlett has had her head inflated somehow, to trick our eyes into thinking her milkbags aren't as bodacious as before. Well, whatever. It's her life.

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Perry Kills Her Cred

Dear Katy Perry: See honey, here's how it works - you don't get to be edgy, then go on the Today Show and clown with Matt Lauer. Doesn't matter how many chicks you kiss, how many knives you play with, how many tattooed douchebags you lay down with - two seconds in the presence of Lauer and all that is gone. Pick a persona and run with it, 'kay fuckflakes?

The Mad-Dog's New Style

Maddox is sporting a new style lately. Basically, he no longer looks like a kid, but a little miniature dude, complete with mustache. How is a 7-year-old growing a mustache? I know Asians are sometimes freaky that way but, dang man, he must've been exposed to radiation or some Sasquatch genes.

Sorry Johnny

I know the thrown-together ragamuffiny thing is Johnny's style and all but...I'm sorry, I have a problem with the vest and the jeans. Either lose the vest or put a pair of big-boy pants on. He also needs to wash his hair.

Who Wants To Drink A LohanShake?

Some joint called Millions of Milkshakes has paid Lindsay Lohan to let them put her name on one of their shakes, a concoction of vanilla ice cream, chocolate swirl and Oreos. When you drink it though, it mysteriously tastes like vodka, ciggies and jizz-spattered bathroom tile. Weird.

Poor Lady

David won't touch her anymore. This is all she has left. This and her gold vibrator.

Separated At Birth

Too TMZ-ish?

It All Seems Vaguely Familiar

Tim Burton's particular fantasy world is one I've experienced quite enough. Therefore I am lukewarm on the prospect of seeing his new movie, Alice in Wonderland, which comes out in 2010. Yeah, I get that CGI opens up all sorts of wonderful new possibilities, like making Helena Bonham Carter seem even weirder, but...enough.

Oh Christ

My hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow grows more powerful with each passing day. Soon it will consume me...but it will make such a lovely flame.

By the way, if anyone tries that recipe - tell me if it's any good, 'kay?

Indeed, A Little Brainwash Would Be Appreciated Right Now

Madonna, in a typically desperate bid for credibility among artsy types (remember her asshole Sex coffee table book and her equally asshole remake of German New Wave director Lina Wertmuller's Swept Away), has had some L.A. street artist called Mr. Brainwash design her new album cover. And that's it. A picture of Madonna looking like she's about to hurl that some jag-off stained with piss. Uh, yeah. Fucking profound shit right there.

Why Do People Still Take Her Picture?

Not sure why anyone would bother running pictures of Christina Ricci. What was the last thing she did? That thing where she had a pig snout? That thing with her and Samuel L. Jackson where she was chained up in his house? The last thing I remember her being any good in was that picture with Charlize as Aileen Wuornos, and she was second-fiddle all the way in that. By the way, did I mention that I have a huge full-back tattoo of Aileen Wuornos? No, not really. It's actually Albert Fish.

Patrick Swayze Did Not Have A Heart Attack

Patrick Swayze's rep has had to shoot down more "Patrick Swayze is Dead or About to be" rumors by debunking a tabloid report claiming the actor had suffered a heart attack.

"He's well," the rep told Access Hollywood. "He's continuing his treatment and doing very well, actually. Contrary to reports, he did not suffer a heart attack and has even gained a little weight."

Okay, let's clear one thing up: Patrick Swayze is not "well." He might be better than he has been, but he is probably never going to be "well" ever again, unless someone comes up with a miracle cure for pancreatic cancer. Sorry to sound harsh but I can't stand that phony talk.

Somebody Please Stop The Birthers

The Birthers, for those who think news begins and ends with Kate Gosselin's activities, are a group of nutwads, led by such senior wackfaces as Lou Dobbs, who believe that Barack Obama is not a native-born American and therefore isn't eligible to be president. These freaks base their entire argument on the fact that Barack has allegedly not produced sufficient evidence of citizenship - an argument Jon Stewart took apart with typical incisiveness and wit last night on The Daily Show.

Actually, my beef with the Birthers has nothing to do with what they believe, the theories of wackjobs constituting nothing more than extra static fizzing and popping in the ether around me. My problem with them is that they go around calling themselves "the Birthers." You know what that name sounds like to me? Something from a bad science fiction movie. There were the Steriles, and then there were the Birthers. And they were led by Octomom.

Clearly, the anti-Barack nutjobs can't fight him on ideas or policies, because that would require the ability to comprehend something more complicated than a made-up conspiracy plot of the type Lou Dobbs enjoys propagating. Sad.

No God? Are You Daft?

Brad Pitt admits in a new interview that - shock! - he doesn't believe in God.

"I'm probably 20 per cent atheist and 80 per cent agnostic," Pitt told some German rag. "I don't think anyone really knows. You'll either find out or not when you get there, until then there's no point thinking about it."

And all this time I thought God was a little man living in Angie's vagina. I guess Brad has shot that down. Unless he's only saying that to throw us off the trail. Gosh, I hope God gets out of the way before Brad shoots his love ick into Angie's holy place. That would be an awkward headline, no? "God Drowned by Brat Pitt's Ejaculate." Well, if Brad's telling the truth, we won't have to worry about ever reading that. That's one less thing to fret about.

The Blind Hanging With The Blind

Oh no Jon Gosselin...why are you hanging out with Michael Lohan? Fuck man, don't borrow him any money. Or let him near any woman you're fucking. Or listen to anything he says. You thought Kate was a bloodsucker, but you ain't seen nothing till you've spent five minutes within range of a Lohan.

(He's not buttering up Michael to try and get a shot at Lindsay is he? After Hailey Glassman, Lindsay would seem the next logical step up the disgusting skanky party girl ladder.)

Rupert Everett Hates Everyone (Especially Himself, I'm Guessing)

Rupert Everett has gone off on another of his crazy rants, attacking everyone from Michael Jackson to Barack Obama to America to...Gwyneth Paltrow?

Oh, I love it when he's off his meds. Here's Rupert on why Michael Jackson is better off being dead:

He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel. He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation - that killed him.

[Jackson] personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died.

He does know that slavery was abolished, right? Oh, who cares. Here's Rupert on Barack:

We're living in very strange times.

We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It's absolutely fascinating to watch.

And here's Rupert on why he hates America:

Straight [after 9/11], this cruel and nasty city [of New York] was hit with a sudden wave of compassion. Everyone looked out for everyone. I thought that could be the beginning of something amazing.

It felt like it was a new beginning but then the rain started and President Bush came in and began the war. The whole country just changed and became completely alien to me. We came to America as kids because England was stuffy and constipated. The U.S. used to be a breath of fresh air but Bush changed all that.

[America] is a weird place now. ... cartoons are more realistic than real-life. Family Guy, The Simpsons and Shrek are much more believable than action films. People react to cartoons rather than life. That is a tragedy.

Yeah, yeah...but what about Gwyneth?

If I had the choice of being on a desert island with Jordan [aka Katie Price] or Gwyneth Paltrow, I would choose Jordan.

With Jordan you get the truth. She's treated like a quasi-hooker, whereas Gwyneth is seen as the patron saint of good living. Which one has more integrity? I would much rather have Jordan any day.

Well, you only want to hang out with Jordan for the skin care tips, but whatever. Anyone who hates Gwyneth Paltrow is okay in my book.

How Many God Damn Jacksons Are There?

Katherine Jackson is seeking custody of son Michael's weirdo kids, but once she gets it, TMZ says the actual child-raising will fall to another Jackson, Michael's older sister Rebbie.

Rebbie is reportedly the family's unanimous choice to take care of the kids. Could this have something to do with the fact that she has no career to put on hold? Actually, neither do most of the Jacksons, so that's sort of irrelevant.

Rebbie looks to me like a skinny Wanda Sykes. She will need Wanda's sense of humor - and lots of money for therapists and drugs - if she wants to survive raising children who were once in the care of Michael Jackson.

LaBoof Learns His Lesson

LaBoof has discovered a new means of getting around in the wake of the traffic accident that nearly cost him a finger - a dorky bike. Cool. But, um, should he be listening to music while pedaling around? And shouldn't he be wearing a helmet? I shouldn't I be sitting in his lap?

Soldiering On

Kate Gosselin dressed herself and the girls up in matching adorable pink outfits and went to the pediatrician. Who says no one takes trouble about their appearance anymore? Kate's pretty put together for a modern woman. Most bitches these days, they throw on a soiled tank-top and a pair of jeans they've had for ten years - and that's to go to the opera. People gotta stop doggin' Kate. Too much jealouzy.

Cute Dog

Aw, cute doggy. Um...who's the fat smiling asswipe?

(Yes, I know, Jordin Sparks. I was just testing.)

I Have To Know

Is that motorcycle really old and rusty or is it just painted to look old and rusty? Actually, it doesn't matter - he's a poseur either way.

Satan Came On His Face

Simon Cowell got a sunburn and not one single person feels bad for him, including his mother.

This Has To Be Grounds For A Lawsuit

Lady GaGa did an interview on German television dressed in an outfit made of Kermits. I'm guessing this was some kind of animal rights statement? "You wouldn't wear a whole outfit made of dead Kermits, would you?" Well, no Lady GaGa, only you would. And by the way, Kermit isn't a real frog, he's a puppet, so...fail.

More Dead Dog News

Gidget, the Taco Bell chihuahua, has gone to chihuahua heaven (think a forest of lower legs) after suffering a stroke at the age of 15 (which is something much bigger in dog years, I'd figure out what but it's too early for math).

"She charmed millions without ever saying a word, and managed to make fast food tacos adorable," says Gidget's obituary on People magazine's website. Yeah, I guess, if you get past the animal exploitation angle, and the fact that Taco Bell murders people with their fake food.

I have to confess, when I saw the headline "Taco Bell Chihuahua Dies," my first thought was, "Poor Tony Parker. He must be so devastated." But then I realized I had the wrong chihuahua.

When Dog Love Gets Out Of Hand

The above shoes belong to Mickey Rourke. Squint your eyes and you may be able to make out the words embroidered on them. No, not "I like smacking bitches." Nice guess, but they actually say, "Loki." Yes, the name of Mickey's dear departed dog. Motherfuck, that was what, six months ago now? And he's still in mourning? I didn't even miss my dead parents for that long. Suck it up Mickey. It ain't touching anymore. Now it's just pitiful.

Typical Idiocy

Heather Mills doesn't worry about people who criticize and attack her, because Heather Mills knows the cosmos is on her side, and will eventually punish all these evil bastards who are trying to bring her down.

"The truth always outs in the end," Mills said in a recent interview. "No one gets away with those things.

"Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they've got cancer, or they've had a tumor, or they've died. And it's terrible for them, but they've done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round."

My first instinct was to blast Heather for these remarks, but I'm not going to, because you know what? She doesn't sound any different than any other nitwit who believes in karma or cosmic retribution or whatever you want to call it.

You encounter shit like this all the time, people who think that some personal wrong done to them is going to be punished by the forces of the universe. Because, as we all know, these forces have nothing better to do than watch to make sure no one ever says anything bad about us personally.

Evidently, these fools don't recognize the fundamental egomania and arrogance underlying their beliefs. They see nothing the least bit self-important about calling upon the stars or the spirits or whatever to fuck to line up on their behalf, and punish someone who has transgressed against them.

Yes Heather is stupid, but she's stupid in such a common way that it's not even worth getting upset about.

Fergie's Junk

Everyone is talking about this photo of Fergie appearing to grab her package. This is amusing because, as a female, Fergie isn't technically supposed to have a package. So what gives? Is Fergie a dude with tits? Does she wear some kind of weird drug-smuggling pouch inside her shorts? Have her occasional accidents inspired her to don an adult diaper? The world may never know.

(ty m)

Wake Me When There's Video

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi is embroiled in yet another controversy, this one revolving around some audio tapes that have been posted on the internet of him talking to a prostitute.

The ho responsible for the tapes, "high-class call girl" Patrizia D'Addario, reportedly made them secretly after spending a couple of nights at Berlusconi's sex-den, also known as his official residence in Rome.

Among other things, the tapes feature D'Addario complaining that she has lost her voice, and Berlusconi asking, "Why? We didn't even scream."

The prime minister is dismissing the tapes as another part of his political opponents' campaign to ruin him. Did I mention that Berlusconi is 72? Dude better slow down, unless he wants to end up like Nelson Rockefeller.

I'm A Twitter Whore

Wanna follow the Crabster on Twitter? Of course you don't - you have a life. Stupid question. Well, what the hell, I'm there anyway, at twitter.com/crabbiekins ("crabbie" was taken by some other fuckwit). Follow me. Don't follow me. I really don't give a shit.

P.S. - If I follow you back and discover that your tweets are nothing but quotes from Emerson and other philosophical musings, I will unfollow you faster than Joe Jackson can get his belt off.

He Should've Let Larry Cut Him Off

Joe Jackson wants us to think he was a good father to Michael because Michael never "ran around" like the other kids he grew up with. Joe points out that most of the other kids from Michael's old neighborhood "are dead." Unfortunate. Equally bizarre: Joe's attempt at defending himself by pointing out that white people used to beat their slaves. "It was okay for me to whip Michael's ass because my people's asses were whipped by white people." Sure Joe. And it was okay for Michael to take all those drugs because Judy Garland took drugs. Time for you to go away now Joe.

Another Good Way To Get Yourself In Trouble

Radu Mazare, the mayor of Constanta, Romania, is in the middle of a shitstorm after dressing up as a Nazi and goose-stepping around on stage at a fashion show.

The offending performance took place at a resort on the Black Sea, and also included Mazare's 15-year-old son. Watchdog groups have already gotten an apology out of Mazare, who claims he didn't notice the swastika on the uniform.

This may sound like just a run-of-the-mill act of political incorrectness, but in fact, in Romania it is illegal to display a swastika, and if convicted of such a crime, Mazare could face three years in jail.

Hilariously, Mazare claims he was inspired to wear the uniform by Tom Cruise's performance as Claus von Stauffenberg in Valkyrie. Yet another example of why it's a very bad idea to imitate Tom Cruise.

Who's Going To Ghostwrite It? Trig Palin?

Carrie Prejean has signed a deal with some fly-by-night publishing house to do a book about her experiences as Miss California. The tome is to be called "Still Standing," and for literary merit, it will stand second only to Lauren Conrad's masterpiece "L.A. Candy."

I hate to break it to Carrie, but no one really cares about her side of the story. She is way past her expiration date. Even that idiot Perez Hilton has given up making fun of her, and that bastard never lets anything go. My advice to Carrie would be for her to forget this misbegotten venture and get on with her new career as a Republican Congressman's whore.

Tom Digs Robots

I guess David Beckham is back playing soccer in America. Anyway Tom and Katie showed up at some stadium and of course there was Posh and those little clones of hers. I wonder what Tom and Posh talked about? Battery life? Joint lubrication? How to give your plastic coating a nice natural skin-like color?

Kate's New Piece?

No idea who the guy is dragging the garbage to the corner for Kate. She's pretending not to pay attention to him...but who the hell does she think she's fooling? She's not sitting out there for the paps. Well, if Jon can fuck around with a new skank every day, why can't Kate?

This Is Her "I'm About To Fuck Jude Law" Face

Cameron Diaz was spotted over the weekend in a London nightspot partying with Jude Law. The Daily Mail says the two stars left through different exits, Law out the front with a "mystery woman." Clearly, the "mystery woman" was part of a ruse designed to make people think Jude and Cameron weren't scurrying off to a hotel somewhere to have wild chihuahua sex. I guess Cameron is done with that Sculfor dude, and Jude is done with Lindsay Lohan. For now, anyway.

Heaven Just Got A Lot More Depressing

Frank McCourt, author of the relentlessly depressing Angela's Ashes, kicked it over the weekend at the age of...let's say 93 (I'm not bothering to look it up).

McCourt was just another drunken Irish immigrant until he wrote Angela's Ashes, his memoir about growing up in the worst place in the world surrounded by the worst people in the world. It's a good read if you don't mind spending the next week wandering around in a daze, wishing everyone in the world except wonderful Frank McCourt would die.

By the way, I read once that McCourt's students think he was a lousy teacher. That's only because the laws in this country don't allow you to beat your useless fuckwit pupils over the head with a brick when you feel like it. Raise a pint for old Frank...or bash a kid with a coal shovel, whichever strikes your fancy.

Fake Bump

Jennifer Lopez is not pregnant again, but is sporting a fake bump for a movie she's shooting. Yeah, I know - Jennifer Lopez still thinks she has an acting career. Crazy, right? Like Jennifer Aniston still thinking she has a shot at happiness. Like Zac Efron thinking he can continue passing himself off as a heterosexual. Like me thinking anyone reads this blog.

Another Kate For Jon

Jon Gosselin has already moved on - and up - from that skanky gold-digging Hailey Glassman bitch. His newest playmate? A reporter for Star magazine named Kate Major.

The denial bus is already rolling full speed on this one - Kate II claims the date wasn't a date and she is only friends with Jon - but I call bullshit. For one thing, why would an apparently intelligent - at least literate - woman like Major bother being "friends" with Jon Gosselin? The conversation? Nope. It's the dick.

I was going to say Kate II was probably just using Jon to score some dirt on Kate I, but really, what else could there be to reveal? That she secretly works for Al Qaeda?

Pretending To Give A Shit

Madonna put on her best tragic face and went to visit the workers injured when the stage they were erecting for her show fell apart on top of them this weekend. I'm sure they will be honored to have the veiny-armed one in their presence. If Madonna has a soul in her body, she'll at least offer free blow-jobs. The guys don't have to accept them.

This Could Be Anything

Wrestling match? Rough sex? Delirium brought on by ingestion of salt water?

You Know Where Not To Let The Door Hit You, Paula

Paula Abdul, well-known drug-addled mess, is threatening to leave American Idol, the show that rescued her from pop culture obscurity and turned her into a handy punchline.

"She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on," Abdul's manager said, referring to an on-going contract dispute. "She’s hurt. She’s angry."

And this is supposed to create a frenzy of fan outrage that forces American Idol to give in to Paula's demands. Oldest trick in the book. Unfortunately it only works if the fans express their displeasure vehemently enough to make the show's producers take notice. But if they're all too fat to move or are in jail for selling meth, how can they show they're on Paula's side? Didn't think about that, did you shitmunch?

Croakite

Walter Cronkite has passed on to that great newsroom in the sky after 92 mostly productive years as a denizen of the earth. The Most Trusted Man in America made his legendary reputation as the anchor for the CBS Evening News in the '60s, covering such iconic stories as the Kennedy assassination, the Vietnam War and the moon landing. He eventually handed the reins to Dan Rather who wasn't fit to nibble his corns, but that's another story.

The TV news has deteriorated significantly since Cronkite's day, degenerating from a dignified, trusted source of information and community togetherness into a 24-hour-a-day cacophony of pundits, blowhards and gam-flashing blonde floozies. This has happened for one reason: news operations are now required to make money, whereas in Cronkite's day, putting on a news broadcast was considered a public service, and profit was secondary. Capitalism is like a virulent disease destroying everything. I'm sure that old pinko Cronkite would agree.

Check Out The Scalp On That One

I've seen a few of the fine young negresses sporting this look lately. It's cool. It says to me, "Those Indians almost scalped me, but the Lone Ranger rescued me at the last second." Rihanna seems to be doing fine post-Chris Brown anyway. I mean I haven't seen any pictures of her out with any other known woman-beaters. Maybe she has been and I've just missed it.

More Jackson Family Negativity

Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri have split according to Us Weekly (your only source for sad Jackson family news).

"They have been moving in different directions for a while," a friend said. Another source claimed Jermaine was too much of a social butterfly for Janet who prefers holing up to going out.

Janet is also said to be spending most of her time with dead brother Michael's freak-job kids, Blanket, Paris and I Forget, so Jermaine was probably feeling neglected. Or maybe he just got sick of fucking a fat dude. I don't know.

Shut The Fuck Up

Madonna stops her show in Italy to say a few words about the workers killed erecting a stage for her show in Marseille. Of course, it ends up being all about what a wonderful, life-giving person Madonna is, and how devastated she is by the tragedy, and how horrible it is that she has had to endure this because she just wants everyone to live and be happy. What a worthless, narcissistic pile of garbage (who can't even act well enough to manage two minutes of mock-sincerity).

They're Still Doggin' Jesus

Actor Jim Caviezel, who is best known for playing Jesus in Mel Gibson's idiotic blockbuster The Passion of the Christ, suffered minor injuries after some freak rolled a bike in front of the motorcycle he was riding through the streets of Leavenworth, Washington.

"It could have been a lot worse," the state patrol said of the accident, which left Caviezel with various cuts and bruises. The genius Washington authorities also say mental ilness may have been responsible for the guy throwing the bike in the path of Caviezel's Harley.

Well, sounds like Jim was lucky this time. No crown of thorns, no spear in the side, no having to live with Mel Gibson for weeks on end. I'll take some asphalt burns and a clunk on the head over any of those things, any day.

Horny Frog

The French celebrated Bastille Day on the 14th (I would've celebrated too but I forgot it was Bastille Day, plus I don't do silly foreign holidays except Jerk Off a Kangaroo Day). All the usual ceremonies were performed, including the one where the President strokes his wife's ass in front of a dude with some laundry on his head. Then came the fireworks, and then everyone went looking for Americans to spit on.

You really can't blame old Nick, though. She is pretty hot.

Sick Lick

Careful Gerard Butler - don't burn your tongue on that flaming bitch. (Oh, Jennifer's gonna be ticked when she sees this.)

Crazed Kate-Haters Side With Hailey Glassman

Kate Gosselin's legions of haters have adopted Hailey Glassman as their new queen, and begun flooding the dumb, drunken slut's Facebook with anti-Kate venom.

"GOOD LUCK ON EVERYTHING," one delusional fool posted. "AS I CAN SEE SO FAR U DON'T SEEM LIKE THE GOLD DIGGEN TYPE KATE WAS!!! BEST OF LUCK!!!!"

Said another mouth-breathing shut-in, "Everyone writing negative crap leave her alone!!!! She was NOT in a relationship with Kate - Jon was!!!! She has done nothing wrong!!!!! Furthermore: you have one life and should be happy!!! Jon deserves to be happy!!! Just because he has someone new in his life does NOT mean he is going to neglect his children!!! Kate goes around touring with her bodyguards promoting her books - she has lead her life and done what she
wants - so can Jon!!!! Good luck to both of you!!!"

These people crack me up. Their Kate hatred has made them so blind, they actually think Hailey Glassman isn't just playing Jon. Please. This woman makes Heather Mills look like the saint Heather Mills thinks she is.

So Much For Papal Infallibility

Pope Benedict was rushed to a hospital last night after falling in the bathroom of his summer place in the Italian Alps and busting his wrist.

"The Holy Father fell over," said a Vatican stooge, "it is nothing serious and he has gone to the Parini hospital in Aosta for a check up."

The Holy Father fell over. Why does that line alone make me chuckle? Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh at the misfortune of others. Even those who claim infallibility but can't keep their balance while they're getting out of the shower?

Despite the cynicism of some, I'm sure there was nothing more to this than just an old man slipping on some wet tile. I'm certain he wasn't, for instance, chasing a naked 10-year-old boy when the whole thing happened. Not our darling Nazi Pontiff.

Let's Get It Right This Year, Emmys

For the second straight year, John Slattery has been nominated for an Emmy for playing Roger Sterling the hard-drinking, twin-fucking, oyster-puking senior partner on Mad Men. And this year he is going to win. Or the Emmys will be dead to me.

Also: Would it be possible for the Emmys take a break from giving Kathy Griffin's show the award for Best Reality Program, and throw a little love in Mike Rowe's lap for Dirty Jobs? Truly, if anyone deserves an award, it's Mike Rowe. Dude jacks off turkeys, sticks his arm down cows' assholes and wades waist-deep in shit, all to amuse us. What does Kathy Griffin do? I still haven't figured it out, to be honest.

Oh, Ryan. You Are A Pip.

A wacky new story claims that, while Farrah Fawcett's dad was paying a visit to his dying daughter, he opened the door next to hers by mistake and found Ryan O'Neal in bed with Farrah's friend Alana Stewart. And they weren't eating cookies and crank calling their teachers.

Denials have already been issued by Ryan himself, but the story is confirmed by his son Griffin, who frankly isn't the most credible individual given that he probably still hates Ryan for shooting at him and his pregnant girlfriend.

Of course it isn't right to jump to conclusions. Maybe Farrah gave her blessing to Ryan and Alana to have wild sex in the room next to the one she was quietly expiring in. Maybe it was her way of saying thanks for their devotion. Maybe they were taping it so they could all make popcorn and watch it together later. You just never know.

(Thanks Maggie)

Madonna Causes Death

One worker is dead and 7 more are in bad shape after a stage they were erecting for a Madonna show in Marseille fell on them. Now the bad news: the show has been canceled! Well, fuck, guess there's no point in me flying to Marseille now. Don't know what I'll use these nose plugs for. Maybe I'll go hang out on a hog farm or stick my face in Sarah Silverman's armpit.

Does Sarah Palin Shit In The Woods?

Crabbie's favorite new hobby: reading between the lines of Sarah Palin's tweets. Here's a nice three-parter she posted after hanging out with some bear experts in the great state of EEEElaska.

Great day w/bear management wildlife biologists; much to see in wild territory incl amazing creatures w/mama bears' gutteral raw instinct to

protect & provide for her young;She sees danger?She brazenly rises up on strong hind legs, growls Don't Touch My Cubs & the species survives

& mama bear doesn't look 2 anyone else 2 hand her anything; biologists say she works harder than males, is provider/protector for the future

Translation: I am the mama bear who rears up on my hind legs and growls and protects my children from David Letterman and all the other meanies out there. And if America will just elect me I will be the mama bear that works harder than (Democratic negro) males and provides and protects (and occasionally scolds and chucks into concentration camps) so we can have a wonderful (Fascist, fag-free) future.

Dear Sarah: Do bears protect their children one minute then turn around and exploit them for political purposes like you did when you carted them onto the campaign trail with you? Oh I get it - they're your kids; only you get to exploit them. Gotcha.

I Guess Someone Was Feeling Neglected

The LAPD has confirmed that actress Mischa Barton was "removed" from her West Hollywood home Wednesday after calling 911 in apparent distress.

"We responded to her home last night on a medical issue," an officer told Us Magazine.

They're not saying what the medical issue was, but there's nothing on CNN right now so I'm guessing she's not dead. Mischa dying would create almost the same furor as Michael Jackson, you know.

Today In Mere Formalities...

It took 75 seconds for the Family Division of the High Court in London to grant Blake Fielder-Civil a divorce from Amy Winehouse. Adultery was given by Blake as grounds for the divorce, but if there were any truth in such things, it would've said something like, "I married her cause she was a rich pop-star, but now she can't keep her shit together and will soon be broke, plus it gets old fucking some bag of bones who's covered in festering sores, you know what I mean?"

So many memories...

Aw Darn

Peter Andre says there is no chance of reconciliation with his estranged wife Katie Price. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Kaput. Turn out the lights, that party's over.

"I think what's done is done, and I think we have to move on and I don't say that happily," Andre said. "I just say it because it is what it is.

"It's our fault. We cannot complain about things like that. Showing our life so publicly is a mistake sometimes, but I blame myself as much as anyone else."

Peter Andre admits living your life in the public eye is a bad idea...in a television interview. He ain't much for the learnin'.

He Doesn't Mind Her Ugly Arms

Jesus Luz and his sugar mama Madonna. Money ain't everything Jesus. There's such a thing as self-respect too. Ha ha, just kidding...go crazy kid.

Jon's New Ride

Jon Gosselin got off his new ride, Hailey Glassman, and onto his chopper. The helmet shows that Jon is into safety. Let's hope he used protection while astride Hailey too. 8 really is enough.

More Fun With Michael Jackson's Messed Up Body

Michael Jackson revelations coming like a tsunami. ABC has gotten its grubby hands on photos of Jackson's legs, which show track marks, dead tissue and splotchiness associated with vitiligo. Will the grossness never end?

Religion: Like Drugs, Only More Likely To Cause Terrorism

I feel sorry for Michael Jackson's kids. They've lost their daddy, they're destined to be hounded by the media for the rest of their lives...and, to top it all off, they're religious drones. Is there anything sadder? Hopefully when they hit their late teens they'll rebel and become sex-crazed drug addicts. Anything's better than following the fairy tale.

Michael Jackson Hair Burning Video Surfaces After 25 Years

The Michael Jackson vault is being emptied of everything, including video of that famous incident in 1984 when his scalp was burned filming a Pepsi commercial. I can't remember ever seeing this, or any other clear video of that event. Obviously, this is all part of a push to explain how he ended up becoming a painkiller addict, in hopes that people will feel more sympathy for him. I don't know if it will work. I just know that video is creepy, very Faces of Death-like. Gives me the willies.

Oh, Spare Us

I don't know why, but for some reason Renee Zellweger is doing another Bridget Jones movie, and yes, she's going to get fat again for it. And in this one, Bridget hears her biological clock ticking! If you are excited to see this movie, then I don't want to know you.

Why doesn't Renee admit that these movies are just an excuse for her to stuff her face for a few months?

GaGa GooGoo

Okay so I guess Lady GaGa had a boyfriend, and she broke up with him, and now this guy is her boyfriend, or maybe he was just a one-nighter, or perhaps he's a hologram. Oh fuck, she totally ripped off my hose and lace bunny ears outfit! Bitch.

Why, Madonna's Arms? Why?

Madonna had scary bodybuilder arms before, but now she has scarier, decomposing zombie horror movie arms. "Braaaaaaaaaains." Ugh, God honey, just stay in the house with the doors locked and the shades drawn.

Thanks, Sherlock

I don't mean to disillusion those who thought Jon Gosselin had found true love with Hailey Glassman, but according to one of her friends, bitch is only using the stupid ass to get famous.

"I think after realizing she had a connection to Jon through her father [the doctor who did Kate's tummy tuck] and that Jon and Kate's marriage was rocky, she saw an opportunity to get famous," the anonymous Glassman pal said.

The source says Glassman tried out for The Real World and some other reality shows before hitting the jackpot with gullible horndog Jon. And then there's this from the loser Hailey was fucking right before she hooked up with Jon:

A couple days [after Hailey and I broke up] a mutual friend was like, "Oh hey, your girl Hailey is pretty famous. She's dating this older guy who has like eight kids."

Another crafty slut gets the last laugh.

American Psycho Remake

The only thing creepier than Robert Pattinson is Robert Pattinson all cleaned up and wearing a suit. And no, Pattinson did not knock up K-Stew, so stop saying he did. Jealous haters.

(K-Stew, if you're reading this, I love you honey but you gotta stop with the distraught emails.)

Why Bother, Christian

Christian Bale has done horrible things to his hair and body, so he can play a crackhead former boxer in a movie called Playing a Washed-Up Wrestler Got Mickey Rourke an Oscar Nomination, So Maybe Playing a Washed-Up Boxer Will Get Me One (or something like that). Some will call this dedication but I call it masochism. And by the way, Christian, just being willing to starve yourself and have someone fuck your hair up doesn't make you a great actor. If that was all it took, Lindsay Lohan would have six Oscars by now.

Someone's Getting Reamed

I have no context for this photo of Angelina in her SUV. I have no idea if she's going through a drive-thru here, or screaming at a pap, or reaming out a pedestrian who failed to bow as she drove by. I'm going to assume that, if her window is rolled down and she's interacting with people outside the vehicle, she is either giving an order or delivering a tongue-lashing. The Queen of the Universe would have no other reason for lowering herself to acknowledge a peasant.

Nice Try Kelly

Kelly Clarkson thinks she can distract us from how fat she is by wearing a colorful shirt. Unfortunately, the shirt does nothing to hide her fat face or fat sausage fingers.

Negress, Please

Reason #1233 to hate Beyonce: She makes her little nephew wear a shirt that says "My Auntie Rocks." Full disclosure: I have no idea if that really is Beyonce's nephew, but I'm going to assume it based on the shirt.

It Must Be Some Kind Of Front

Lindsay Lohan is teaming with the woman responsible for her highly-unsuccessful line of leggings to start her own film company, Unforgettable Productions, which will focus on developing projects for Lohan herself to star in.

Unforgettable's first two production ventures will reportedly be an Entourage-like show called Faux Real and, I kid you not, a game show called That's What Friends Are For.

Like most Lohan projects, neither of these will ever come to fruition, but won't we have a high old time making fun of them until they don't.

Now Starring As Chris Christofferson In Anna Christie

When you go with the headline about someone playing Chris Christofferson in Anna Christie, really, your work is done. I mean how much more amusement do you want than that?

Tony Romo Is All Heart

Tony Romo has gotten sick of playing with Jessica Simpson's milkbags and decided to dump her. Funny thing about this one: reportedly, Romo told Simpson to take a hike the day before her birthday. Well, I guess that's better than waiting until the day of her actual birthday. "Wow, this is some tasty-looking cake Jessica. By the way, I never want to see your stupid face again. We're through. Oh, there's pin the tail on the donkey? Shit, I should've waited."

A friend of Jessica's says, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."

Sure, anal is fun for awhile, but eventually a guy wants to stick it in the other hole. Or someone else's other hole.

That's What Happens When You Think Too Hard

Sarah Palin got so stressed out during the presidential campaign that, according to the New York Times, her hair started falling out, necessitating an emergency intervention by her hairdresser.

That's the New York Times saying that, by the way, not me. So if any of Sarah's lawyers are reading this - no need to threaten me with a defamation suit. It's those New York liberals bad-mouthing your girl. I'm just a messenger.

I will say this though: if you can't even handle a campaign without getting stressed, how the hell are supposed to handle being president? Now I can see why Sarah quit. She's just too soft.

Total Mess

Hillary Clinton is out and about again after breaking her elbow in an apparent drunken incident. I can't even begin to convey how annoyed I am by the little State Department badge on the sling. You think Thomas Jefferson would've sported something like that when he was Secretary of State? It's fine to be a doofus, Hill, but do you have to advertise it like that?

No Incidents Reported Yet

Amy Winehouse is done taking the cure in St. Lucia and has gone back to where it all started, jolly old England. The pictures seem calculated to make us think that Wino has gotten her shit together, but we all know she hasn't. Some shit just can't be gotten together, no matter how many days you spend basking in the sun, smoking grass, adopting stray dogs and chasing away hotel patrons who are sick of you hitting them up for drinks.

Don't Bother Watching It

Mel Gibson's mistress Oksana Grigorieva has an album out, and Mel was kind enough to direct a music video for her, for a song called Beautiful Heartache. I watched it - okay, thirty seconds of it - so that I could inform you all that you don't need to bother watching it. Aren't I a nice Crabster for saving you that pain? I'm like the blogging equivalent of one of Michael Jackson's doctors - a distributor of happiness.

Would You Let This Woman Anywhere Near You With A Needle?

Newly surfaced court papers related to Michael Jackson's 2005 molestation trial reveal that ex-wife, and former assistant to Jackson's dermatologist, Debbie Rowe used to inject the deceased King of Poppers with anesthesia ahead of acne treatments.

In an affidavit filed in 1993, a deputy writes that Rowe "observed Jackson's buttocks" when administering said injections. And you thought Rowe never saw Jackson naked.

Clearly, Jackson liked any excuse to get loaded up on drugs. This sort of flies in the face of an assertion by LaToya Jackson that Michael's body was "pure" until the shady people who murdered him got him hooked on stuff. Sorry LaToya, but the only one who got Michael hooked was Michael. He was a weak, cowardly character who couldn't make it five minutes in the real world without being bombed out of his mind.

The Cool Kids

I can't even begin to deal with the coolness of Jon Gosselin and his ho. Smoking heaters, looking all like they just don't give a shit...while hanging with Christian Audigier on his yacht. Oh man, a pair of colossal losers.

Twins Turn 1

It's been a year since Angelina shat Knox and Vivenne, her second and third bio-blobs, into the world. The brood hasn't grown at all since then, which leads one to believe that either Angie's twat is tired or Brad put his foot down. My money's on the first one.

Jon Gosselin Hits St. Tropez With His New Whore

Jon Gosselin is not sitting around moping about the divorce, but is off in St. Tropez getting it on with his latest whore, a recent college graduate or drop-out named Hailey Glassman.

Radar Online says Gosselin is not only fucking Hailey, but is currently trying to score her a "business deal." Does this "business deal" by any chance involve Hailey putting on a pair of thigh-highs and standing on a curb near the airport while Jon lurks nearby in a climate-inappropriate fur coat?

Just to make the story a tad ickier and more uncomfortable, it turns out that Hailey is the daughter of the doctor who gave Kate her tummy tuck. Oh, and she has a criminal record: Radar says she was busted for marijuana, hashish and hashish oil back in 2005. A friend describes her as "one of the most wild women" he's ever seen.

Clearly, after all those years with Kate, Jon has developed a taste for unstable women who create chaos everywhere they go.

LaToya Jackson Spreads Her Buttcheeks, Speaks

You sort of had the feeling LaToya Jackson wasn't going to let the whole Michael dying thing go by without using it as an opportunity to get some airtime for what remains of her hideous mug. And, indeed, that's exactly what she's doing, by ghoulishly claiming that Michael was murdered for his money.

"Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people," LaToya Poirot explains. "He was surrounded by a bad circle. Michael was a very meek, quiet, loving person. People took advantage of that. People fought to be close to him, people who weren’t always on his side."

Dear LaToya: You're taking advantage of him right now.

And how exactly did these shady murderers perpetrate their crime? By polluting Michael's otherwise pristine body with pharmaceuticals.

"They got him hooked on drugs," LaToya says. "He was pure and clean and then drugs came back into his system. I think it shocked his system so much it killed him."

Yet I don't remember hearing any stories about how concerned LaToya and the family were for Michael's well-being before he actually expired. Seemed instead that they always distanced themselves from him for fear some of his bad press would rub off on them. Though I'm not sure what exactly LaToya would've been protecting her image for. Maybe someone told her being too close to a pedo would hurt her chances of landing a gig at Target.

Charmer

I don't know...you think Debbie Rowe might be a Palin supporter? MJ's kids are lucky this bitch has no shot at custody.

Smoothing Things Over

Barack and Michelle left Italy today. I'm guessing the hand crept a bit lower once they were on the plane, away from the photogs. Barack has a few things to smooth over after being caught ogling a 16-year-old Brazilian delegate for some junior G8 group, with Sarkozy nearby giving a knowing grin. Pat the booty, pat the booty. Yeah, he'll just righteously fuck her, and all will be well.

No Comment

Not saying anything about Bronx. Kids are off-limits. I just hope he doesn't get that thing stuck in anything. Infant jaws-of-life extractions are just not funny.

It Ain't Only The Lefties

It ain't only the crazy lefties like Maureen Dowd who have been piling on Sarah Palin in the midst of her apparent mental breakdown - the crazy righties are doing it too. Peggy Noonan, for instance, bashes Palin in a column today:

Sarah Palin's resignation gives Republicans a new opportunity to see her plain—to review the bidding, see her strengths, acknowledge her limits, and let go of her drama. It is an opportunity they should take. They mean to rebuild a great party. They need to do it on solid ground.

Her history does not need to be rehearsed at any length. Ten months ago she was embraced with friendliness by her party. The left and the media immediately overplayed their hand, with attacks on her children. The party rallied round, as a party should. She went on the trail a sensation but demonstrated in the ensuing months that she was not ready to go national and in fact never would be. She was hungry, loved politics, had charm and energy, loved walking onto the stage, waving and doing the stump speech. All good. But she was not thoughtful. She was a gifted retail politician who displayed the disadvantages of being born into a point of view (in her case a form of conservatism; elsewhere and in other circumstances, it could have been a form of liberalism) and swallowing it whole: She never learned how the other sides think, or why.

In television interviews she was out of her depth in a shallow pool. She was limited in her ability to explain and defend her positions, and sometimes in knowing them. She couldn't say what she read because she didn't read anything. She was utterly unconcerned by all this and seemed in fact rather proud of it: It was evidence of her authenticity. She experienced criticism as both partisan and cruel because she could see no truth in any of it. She wasn't thoughtful enough to know she wasn't thoughtful enough. Her presentation up to the end has been scattered, illogical, manipulative and self-referential to the point of self-reverence. "I'm not wired that way," "I'm not a quitter," "I'm standing up for our values." I'm, I'm, I'm.

In another age it might not have been terrible, but here and now it was actually rather horrifying.

Only one thing I disagree with Peggy on: that line about the party rallying around her like the party should. Why, exactly, should any political party feel obligated to defend someone who obviously doesn't cut the mustard? Isn't it actually better for the party to get that individual off the stage as quickly as possible, thereby minimizing the damage? That kind of dipshit tribalism - we have to stick up for her because she's one of us - is how political parties degenerate into big tent meetings full of mindless drones. Politics at its worst is indistinguishable from religion.

What Are You Trying To Tell Us Daniel?

Daniel Radcliffe has a message for the ladies out there: "Don't bother lusting after me because I'm not sexy."

"If girls like short and nerdy, then I'm a sex symbol!" the Harry Potter star said.

Radcliffe then suggested an alternate object of desire for all his female fans: Robert Pattinson?

"Rob Pattinson is a sex symbol," Radcliffe swooned. "Rob Pattinson is a genuine sexy guy. He's got the height."

And the reach. Jesus Daniel, towel off, eh bro?

The Joys Of Normal

The other day I got an email from a reader saying I don't talk enough about normal celebs. I'm not sure what one says about a celeb who doesn't make a complete revolting spectacle of themselves, but whatever...I'm willing to try anything. So, here's a post about a celeb who seems pretty normal to me:

Above is a video of Emma Watson appearing on David Letterman. She has a very disarming manner and is quite cute and charming. She has a brain and is going to college. She suffered a wardrobe malfunction at a recent event that didn't involve nip slip or poon flash. I wish she was my little sister or my brother's girlfriend.

Yeah, this sucks. Call me back when the bitch is found babbling in a gutter or riding Gerard Butler's dick.

Whatever Works

Michael Jackson didn't need Jesus or Buddha or Xenu or any of the rest of them, because he had his Xanax. According to one former member of his staff, the King of Popping was at one point doing 30 to 40 Xanax a night, but other sources say he was down to around 10 by the time he kicked it.

An investigative report by People has revealed that Jackson used to have his attendants get prescriptions in their own names then give him the pills, and that he would often trek out of state to pick up even more of them.

One of Jackson's bodyguards said he participated in the whole operation until seeing Jackson literally fall on his face in a hotel, at which point his conscience wouldn't allow him to continue.

I say about this what I say about all other people who hit the drugs hard: if that's what you need to get you through the day, then whatever. I personally am fine with my coffee and vitamins, but then I'm lucky - I'm not a complete fucking trainwreck.

That Must've Been Some Medicine Cabinet

Police have released a list of drug-related stuff confiscated from Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch during a 2003 raid (via TMZ). The impressive stash included:

-- A vial of Versed -- a powerful sedative
-- Several IV bags containing "a milky white fluid, located in a small cardboard box on top of the bathtub." Propofol and other anesthesias are milky white. As we first reported, Propofol was in Jackson's home the day he died.
-- A vial of Promethazine -- an antihistamine with strong sedative effects
-- A bottle of Alprazolam (generic for Xanax, a powerful anti-anxiety drug)
-- A bottle of Percocet -- a painkiller
-- A syringe
-- A vial with Demerol in it
-- Numerous loose pills outside bottles
-- A bottle of Prednisone -- a steroid
-- Ery-tab -- an antibiotic
-- Prescriptions for Xanax that had been filled
-- A prescription for Alprazolam
-- Oxygen tanks
-- IV stands

And that was just for the kids. No I'm joking. At least I hope I am.

A Man Can Look Can't He?

This picture will be all over Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck and the rest of them. It wouldn't be so bad except for Sarkozy's little grin.

Barry's got more Clinton in him than we thought.

Back In The Saddle

Brad Pitt doesn't want a pickle, he just wants to ride on his motorcycle. That's what I got - Arlo Guthrie references.

Suicide By Cop

From Wikipedia: Suicide by cop is a suicide method in which a person deliberately acts in a threatening way, with the goal of provoking a lethal response from a law enforcement officer, such as being shot to death.

This sounds like a perfect description of the way the North Korean Fascist regime is behaving. On the 4th of July they launched a bunch of missiles, clearly meaning to provoke a response, and now they have reportedly begun a cyberwar campaign against the U.S. and South Korea, hacking websites and perpetrating DDoS attacks. Their latest offensive has reportedly resulted in the infection of some 20,000 machines in South Korea, whose data will begin being erased starting on Friday.

Washington and Seoul both say they believe these attacks are being perpetrated by the North Korean government. Of course I suppose it's possible they're wrong - this could just be hackers, maybe trying to start some shit by making it look like the North is responsible - but my money is on the North Koreans being responsible.

If this is their way of going out in a blaze of glory, I suggest we accommodate them before they have the ability to retaliate in any meaningful way. Time to make Pyongyang glow in the dark.

Expensive Freak Show

The city of Los Angeles is reportedly out $1.4 million thanks to the Michael Jackson memorial. $1.1 million of that comes from overtime pay for police - which is good for the cops getting the extra dough, not so great for a city that is already broke.

Donations were supposed to cover some of the costs, but reports say only a few thousand has been raised via the website set up to solicit said funds. Were I the city of L.A. I would make up an itemized bill and mail it to Joe Jackson...but of course he would just conveniently claim he didn't get it.

If L.A. wanted a freak show so bad, why didn't they just hire some sword-swallowers and Octomom and have them stand on a sidewalk?

Take That, Blacks

Congresswoman Shelia Jackson Lee made a big show during Michael Jackson's memorial of the resolution she was going to get passed in Congress honoring the late singer and child molester. Unfortunately, not everyone in Congress is a black woman trying to suck up to a bunch of celebrities. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a white woman (more or less), has intervened on behalf of sanity and put the kibosh on the resolution.

Pelosi's explanation for shelving the Jackson honor? It would have opened up "two contrary views that are not necessary at this time to be expressed." In other words Nancy was afraid some of her colleagues, like the vocally anti-Jackson Peter King, would turn debate on the resolution into an opportunity for a rant against Jackson and all other diseased pedophiles. Which would've been taken by certain people as a racist attack and...well, it's summer and it's hot, and that's how riots get started.

You're Right Mariah, You Sucked

Mariah Carey has apologized for sounding like a big tub of warmed-over shit at Michael Jackson's cheesy, uncomfortable memorial service.

"Trying to sing today was basically impossible for me," the cow posted on Twitter. "I could barely keep myself from crying. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pull it together and really do it right, but I was literally choked up when I saw him there in front of me."

Actually, what had Mariah upset was that she caught her husband Nick Cannon getting blown by Usher backstage...and he refused to share.

Don't worry though Mariah, you weren't the only one who sucked at the memorial. Every one did. Especially that fool Stevie Wonder with that cornball epic he hammered out. He's blind and I wished I were deaf.

And what about that Middle Eastern kid they dragged out for the affair? What was up with that? Pimping new talent at a memorial? Did Papa Joe Simpson plan the thing or what?

Just using up all the material I didn't get to during the live blog.

Her Pee Smells Like Grapefruit

Gwyneth Paltrow has released another of her insufferable GOOP newsletters, this one detailing the three week juice diet she recently put herself on as a way of making herself even more obnoxious than before.

"As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below," Paltrow writes. "Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox.

"I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing."

And how much did this shady-sounding Junger clown pay you to write this Gwyneth? Oh, that's right, you're too pure and good to take money in exchange for a "newsletter" that's actually an endorsement. What a fraud.

So?

I learned a few of things just now. 1) Edward Furlong is not long-dead like I thought (I must've been thinking of Brad Renfro). 2) Edward Furlong was married to some poor-man's K-Stew by the name of Rachael Bella. 3) It's too late for me to wish them long life and happiness together because they've filed for divorce. Well that's too bad, I guess. Er. I don't know.

Hot Shia(t)

Stop it LaBoof, you're getting me hot. No really. I went through three pairs of underwear just getting this picture posted. That is a hunka man.

He Doesn't Need It Now Anyway

Michael Jackson's family has still not announced where or when they plan on burying the slowly decomposing remains of the famed King of Pop, but I'm guessing they will at least wait until after the Los Angeles County Coroner's office has given back the large hunk of Jackson's brain they've been doing tests on.

"As soon as we are done with the brain, we will return it," said assistant coroner Ed Winter.

No rush Ed. It's not like he needs it. Dead people don't have to think about stuff anymore. That's why it's called resting in peace.

I Kicked Robert Pattinson's Ass

I heard Robert Pattinson was messing with my girl K-Stew's heart, so you know what I did? I found that little fairy and kicked the living shit out of him. I was like Sonny beating the bejesus out of Connie's cheating husband. Garbage can to the head, bitch! I was like Kate Gosselin whipping the living fuck out of one of those stupid kids of hers. Nobody fucks with K-Stew!

(disclaimer: I did not kick Robert Pattinson's ass.)

Sass

This is Angie taking Shiloh and Zahara to dance class. Why do they need to learn how to dance when they are already perfect? I don't know. Anyway, looks to me like Zahara is getting a pretty good mouthful of sass from the white blob. "Whatcho lookin' at nappy?" Can I say "nappy?" Oh fuck it. I just hope these two make Angie's life a hell.

You're Right Victoria, Ignorance Is Bliss

SNL alum Victoria Jackson has lived the last decade-plus in almost complete obscurity...but that has all changed after her bizarre rant against Barack Obama and all his "socialist" cronies, posted on fellow right-wing loon Andrew Breitbart's Big Hollywood website. The words that have catapulted Victoria Jackson back into the public eye:

I woke up in the middle of the night and realized the trick.

You see, evil doesn’t just show up. It disguises itself as something nice; so you’ll let it in. It tricks you.

Murdering babies is called Pro-Choice. Unfair Censorship is called The Fairness Doctrine. Outlandish Taxes and the Death of Freedom is called Cap & Trade. Sounds like Fish & Chips. You gotta figure out the trick.

I’d been wondering why the liberals are so passionate about this Health Care thing. It couldn’t be because they actually care about sick, poor people. If they did, they would visit hospitals, and give ten percent of their gross salaries to Compassion International and World Vision, like us stupid church go-ers do. Biden gave $ 62 to charity last year.

No, there’s gotta be a catch. I guess this question was sitting in my brain and during my sleep, my brain was working on it, because when I suddenly awoke at 3 a.m. I had the answer.

Euthanasia!

Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it. Socialized medicine makes people die. You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, and someone like the DMV person, who can’t speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude, really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare!

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas!

Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn’t like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where’s the public debate between scientists on “Climate Change/Global Warming?”) Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O’s nationalized car be? So… kill off the weak. That’s the plan. Tax the workers to death. Erase the middle class. Sounds like the evil governments we studied in high school long ago. The evil governments were : kings, oligarchies, facist, socialist, and communist. Now it’s called the Obama Administration. Sounds like candy or a rock band.

I was browsing in a Burbank gift shop yesterday and I asked the store owner how business was doing. She smiled, “Well, you know, hit and miss. I’m sure it will be better soon.” The store was empty.

I apologized for not buying anything. “I’m sorry, but my husband now cringes when I order a Hazelnut Iced Coffee at McDonald’s, so I can’t really buy anything.”

Her smile hardened.

“You know, I’ve been speaking at Tea Parties lately. No one seems to know or care that our country just turned Socialist.”

She stared at me like a deer caught in head lights.

I continued, “I don’t like politics, but we have to do something. I’m writing to my Congressmen and Senators now.”

Her teenage assistants with no customers had frozen smiles and frozen bodies.

“Did you know Obama uses our tax payer dollars to pay for abortions?”

She shook her head no.

“He even supports killing 9 month old babies, in the womb.”

She became a ceramic knick knack.

I continued, “It’s called ‘late-term abortion’. Now he’s going to kill sick people and old people. Did you know that Cap & Trade will allow the government to regulate how long we take a shower? And that the “New Health Plan”, happy, happy, will allow the government to decide who lives and who dies?”

Crickets. Dead crickets.

As I opened the door to leave, she shook herself into reality and said, “Thank you and come again.”

The bell jingled as the door shut.

I got into my fuel efficient economy car, with the leopard seat covers, and the bumper that used to have the “I RESIST SOCIALISM” bumper sticker, until it got smashed, and I drove away thinking, “Ignorance is Bliss.”

Victoria Jackson: enlightening braindead book store workers and the kind of people who actually read blogs owned by Andrew Breitbart.

Actually, I agree with one thing Victoria said: evil does come in by disguising itself as something nice. I always thought Victoria Jackson seemed really, really nice.

WTF Mischa?

No that is not Peaches Geldof on the right...it is Mischa Barton. Something has gone horribly wrong with her lately...I mean wronger than things are usually going for her, which is pretty wrong.

Mischa claims that her bloated face is the result of having a wisdom tooth yanked out. Yeah okay but what about the hat and the make-up? Since when does dental work turn you into a droog? Start planning the memorial service.

Dang, That TV Antenna's Higher Than Grandma's

Britney's in Paris with the kids getting them some culture. This is them gaping up at the Eiffel Tower. After this they hit the museums, then went down by the Seine to watch the riverboats floating romantically by. What the fuck am I talking about? They didn't do either of those things. They walked around for awhile giggling at all the funny French people then found a McDonald's. People like Britney shouldn't be allowed out of the country. They're the reason Americans have a bad name everywhere.

Richies In Black

Lionel Richie scored a rare gig - the Michael Jackson memorial - and dragged retarded Nicole (god-daughter of Michael BTW) and her mentally challenged husband (don't ask me to remember his name) along with him. It's like I always say: nothing brings out the Hollywood scum like a chance to fake-mourn. Actually I never say that, but whatever.

On Paris Jackson...

A thought from the Crabster: You can say anything you want about Michael Jackson, but one thing he never did was exploit his kids for publicity. You saw pictures of them out and about of course, but never in that creepy way that you see, for instance, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise. It might've been in Jackson's mind, at one point, that he could help his image - quell those homosexual rumors, for example - by having a brood; never mind that they weren't really his kids - that was something he never intended us to know (hence the pay-offs to people like Debbie Rowe). But clearly, at some point, Jackson's own experiences with childhood stardom must've inspired him to change his mind, and shelter the kids as much as possible from the cold, glaring eye of the media.

That being the case...I wonder what Michael would think of what happened today at Staples Center. His daughter Paris, whose privacy he sought to guard as well as he could, being shoved in front of millions of people, exposed to that horrible scrutiny he knew so well. I'm guessing he wouldn't have been happy. Even though the phony little drama was obviously performed on behalf of him and his tainted image. Seems to me that, even in death, he keeps getting fucked over by his own family. I'm not sure those kids are any better off now than they would've been with him.

Pretty Pathetic Corey

Corey Feldman showed up to the Michael Jackson memorial...dressed in a Michael Jackson get-up. Very appropriate Corey. Just like Jackson's oldest kid chewing gum the whole time. At least the kid had an excuse - he's a kid who was raised by a nutcase.

Creepy And Wrong

The media are referring to Paris Jackson's appearance at the end of today's memorial for her late lamented pedo father as a touching tribute. Well I and my live blog followers watched it and we generally agreed that it was anything but. At best it was a cynical bit of manipulation, at worst a heinous act of child exploitation - in other words, a fitting way to end a Michael Jackson memorial.

The whole moment felt contrived and fake, an obvious attempt at redeeming Michael Jackson's image. "He wasn't the sick freak you people think he was," the moment was saying. "He was a good father who will be missed by his children." Cheesy amateur theatrics. But, the Jacksons specialize in that kind of stuff. In their world, using children is not only acceptable, it's expected. Tigers don't change their stripes.

Oh and by the way, Janet...mix in a salad hon. You're the #1 bread-winner in that family now. Need that shit tight.

How Original

Ignore any reports you may have heard that Courtney Love was off the Crazy Train. She is still as big a mess as ever, as demonstrated by this Page 6 piece:

It only took Courtney Love eight hours to trash her high-end hotel room at The Inn on Irving Place.

While the rocker was visiting New York on June 17 with her 16-year-old daughter, Frances Bean, sources say Love completely ruined her accommodations.

The hard-partying 44-year-old widow of Kurt Cobain left dirty needles and used feminine hygiene products behind, according to sources, and also flooded the floor.

"She caused so much damage in eight hours and wreaked so much havoc. It was actually kind of funny . . . minus the $5,000 in repairs," one insider told us.

Talk of Love's downward spiral has been escalating lately, and she recently gave an interview to Italian fashion magazine Grazia where she said, "I know I've got too skinny. I know I need to sort it out."

Actually Courtney, you don't need to sort it out. Just do whatever you want. It's not like the world would miss you if you, say, got really wasted on some drug no one's ever heard of and leapt out of a 40th floor window screaming "Look at me I'm Underdog!" And don't worry about Frances Bean either. She can take care of herself. She's been doing it since she was four, for fuck sake.

I'm A Monkaaaaaaaaaay...Baby

Prince Harry aka The One Who'll Have to Kill His Brother if He Wants to Be King was at a weekend rock festival when he reportedly got really loaded, dressed up in a monkey suit and jumped on stage with one of the acts.

"According to various moles who were backstage at the O2 Wireless festival in London's Hyde Park," reports Holy Moly, "Prince Harry was a permanent fixture at the side of the stage, getting stuck in to the festivities (and the beers) and generally being an ace bloke, chatting to all and sundry.

"However, on Saturday night Harry decided to take it a step further, and didn't hesitate when invited to join Basement Jaxx on stage during 'Where's Your Head At?', donning a monkey costume to keep his identity secret."

Oh, I remember that Basement Jaxx video. It was full of freaky monkeys. I guess that explains Prince Harry dressing as a monkey and dancing along. As much as it is possible for anyone to explain a member of the royal family, or any other family, doing such a thing.

It must not have been a very good disguise, otherwise I would not be doing this post.

Moving Up The Douchebag Scale

Amber Rose, that freaky chick who was always being photographed hanging off Kanye West like a bizarre bald-headed accessory, has moved on from Kanye and attached herself succubus-like to a higher order of douchebag, Chris Brown.

The New York Daily News says Amber, who may be from another planet, got together with Chris at Diddy's July 4th White Party (a party where everyone wears white and whips people until they pick cotton). "They were holding hands and making out in the shadows," said a spy. "She had her hand on his leg."

And he had his hand on her tentacle. Seriously, that is a weird chick. She makes Lady GaGa look like Kelly Clarkson.

No One To Be Messed With

Embedded video from CNN Video

Debbie Rowe isn't the kind of person you want to mess with, as this video attests. This is probably why Michael Jackson chose her as the surrogate mother for the children that weren't really his. He knew she'd be feisty and kick some ass in case she ever had to. Also, what the fuck did he care if she was a beast, they were never going to have to really fuck.

How's He Wrong?

Congressman Peter King stirred up plenty of controversy with his remarks about Michael Jackson, whom he called a "low-life" and a "child molester," while openly wondering why the media have chosen to obsess over the singer instead of, say, the important headline issues of the day. Of course he is right. The way the media have slobbered over Jackson in the week-plus since his death has been a disgrace. The world is coming apart at the seams - revolution in Iran, a coup in Honduras, a serial killer terrorizing South Carolina - and CNN is almost wall-to-wall Jackson. The only thing the media haven't covered about Jackson is the fact that he was a sick, disturbed individual who touched children. They have been far too busy erecting his statue on Olympus to bother with those trifling details.

That being said...Peter King is almost as big a moron as Sarah Palin. Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn sometimes.

Thought He Was Dead

I honestly thought Jared Leto had died or at the very least moved to Canada. I always think that when some celeb goes months without registering on the radar screen. It's like, "What the hell ever happened to Jared Leto? Did Elijah Wood get revenge on him? Did he finally disappear up Kirsten Dunst's sexy-hole? Did he shave his head and become a fake Buddhist?" Nope, he's still around, looking more like Mark from Roseanne with each passing day.

Shaking With The Figurehead

Obama's over in Russia doing the statesman thing with those dirty former Commies. Here he shakes with Russian president Medvedev who is nothing but Vladimir Putin's sock puppet. Look, they wore the same outfit sorta. That's a weird-looking douchy shake if I ever saw one. Obama grinning like he just fucked a white girl and Medvedev limply letting him grip his hand like he expects to be hauled off and spanked.

I wonder with the Rooskies think of Michelle Obama and her belts which she wears cinched up under her boobs as though she were the female Walter Brennan.

Hope He Likes Pitchforks And Fire

Mass murderer Robert McNamara has died at the age of 93. Ignorant assholes will not know anything about McNarama, who was the defense secretary during the Vietnam War, making him personally responsible for the senseless deaths of untold thousands of people. He was also intimately involved in devising American bombing strategy during WWII, including the decision to firebomb Japanese cities in atrocious terrorist attacks designed to break the will of the civilian population (nothing makes a man feel more like a man than setting babies on fire with napalm).

The 20th Century was indeed a bloody century, and few had more of that blood on their hands than Mr. McNamara, who must've harbored some guilty feelings in spite of his ingenious, mathematical rationalizations. If you ever want to see a great movie about him, and American genocidal atrocity in general, just watch Errol Morris's brilliant The Fog of War.

Look Who's Fat Again

The cheesy snacks are winning. It's okay Brit, we've all been there. You just gotta stop with the hookerwear. Buy yourself some nice mumus.

Trusting Soul

Here's Jon Gosselin's chance to be a hero. He could shove that Roman candle in Kate's twat and light the thing and make a million Moms of the Year happy.

You can tell by Kate's comfortable posture that she knows no such thing will ever happen. He has the guts to cheat on her with college girls, but he would never have the nerve to stick fireworks in her gigi.

Look Who's Together

It's Jon and Kate, hanging out on the 4th of July for the sake of the children. And the photographers. Jon's got a little sandtrap action going there. Maybe Kate could lend him one of her dumb-ass painter's hats, to save him getting a sunburn. Wonder if they snuck off for a little hanky-panky. Sure, they're divorcing, but that doesn't mean that can't still enjoy a quickie in the woods.

Yo Check Out My Tits

It's nice that Beyonce knows which side her bread is buttered on. We all know bitch can't sing or act. Titties come in handy. It also helps to be fucking Jay-Z. I'd like her more if she seemed to realize how fortunate she is, but she's one of those assholes like Mariah Carey who think God touched them.

Rupert Grint Has Swine Flu

Rupert Grint had to leave the set of the next Harry Potter film after coming down with a "mild" case of swine flu, but apparently all is now well with the actor.

"[Grint] has now recovered and is looking forward to joining his fellow cast members at the junket and premieres this week and will then return to filming directly afterwards," said a statement.

Grint's quick recovery comes as a blow to those of us who were hoping the entire cast of Harry Potter would come down with swine flu and die, stopping them from making any more of those stupid fucking movies.

Caribou Barbie

Maureen Dowd takes down Sarah Palin as only Maureen Dowd can. God I love that frustrated old bitch.

My favorite bit:

On the shore of Lake Lucille, with wild fowl honking and the First Dude smiling, with Piper in the foreground and their Piper Cub in the background, the woman who took the Republican Party by storm only 10 months ago gave an incoherent, breathless and prickly stream of consciousness to a small group in her Wasilla yard. Gobsmacked Alaska politicians, Republican big shots, the national press, her brother, the D.C. lawyer who helped create her political action committee and yes, even Fox News, played catch-up.

What looked like a secret wedding turned out to be a public unraveling as the G.O.P. implosion continued: Sarah wanted everyone to know that she’s not having fun and people are being mean to her and she doesn’t feel like finishing her first term as governor.

She can hunt wolves from the air and field-dress a moose, but she fears being a lame duck? Some brickbats over her ethics and diva turns as John McCain’s running mate, and that dewy skin turns awfully thin.

I wish we were through with Palin but I know we're not. You don't push to be famous your whole life, then, just when you've finally succeeded, walk away from it. Unless you're being guided by some higher principle. But Palin has no principles, so we know it's not that.

Quitter

Sarah Palin has announced that she is stepping down as governor of Alaska, effective at the end of the month. She didn't take questions from the press - a good idea, given her past performance with reporters - and didn't really speak to why she's made this decision, except to say that she thinks she can be more effective "outside government" and is tired of "political blood sport." Sounds like someone has her own talk show lined up.

The timing of the announcement is the curious thing here. July 4th weekend is a notoriously slow news time, and a lot of the top journalists are on vacation. Usually, if you make an announcement around this time, it's because you're trying to sneak it by with as few people noticing as possible. Interesting that Palin would choose to slink away in this manner. Is there some kind of investigation coming up that we don't know about? Did the cops finally find her meth lab?

Did Alex Rodriguez knock up Willow after all?

The funniest thing about this is Palin's line about not wanting to engage in "political blood sport" anymore. Sure Sarah. Until it's time for a presidential run. Phony, phony cunt.

Jackson Had Diprivan

Law enforcement has discovered the powerful drug Diprivan in Michael Jackson's home according to an anonymous source who would have his heart torn out of his ribcage if anyone found out he talked about this to the press.

Jackson's nutritionist revealed earlier this week that the insomnia-ridden singer had asked her about Diprivan, a substance normally only used in hospitals, and that she had warned him against it. Obviously, he didn't listen to her.

I don't know what the Vegas odds are on the toxicology report revealing that Diprivan killed Jackson, but I'm guessing they're pretty good.

Another Reason Not To Watch 90210

Rumer Willis and her unfortunate bone structure will be making a guest appearance on 90210, the CW remake that amazingly hasn't been canceled yet.

Access Hollywood describes Rumer's character as a "punky cute lesbian who isn't afraid to speak her mind." Hey - that was my part! Fucking bastards.

Johnny Depp Is The New Patch Adams

Sick kids at a London hospital got a special treat Wednesday when Johnny Depp dropped in on them, dressed as a pirate.

Normally, middle-aged men dressing as buccaneers and visiting ill children in the hospital would be considered at least a little weird, but this was Johnny Depp, so that made it incredibly weird, but also touching.

The children were reportedly not disturbed by Johnny's pirate act. When he stuck a red rubber ball on his nose and started doing Robin Williams routines though - that sorta fucked them up.

Ingrate

Brad's motorcycle broke down while he was on his way to an important meeting. As is often the case for celebs, the only ones around to help were the paps. Reports say Brad "reluctantly" accepted a ride with a photographer. Then, to show his gratitude, Brad insisted his picture not be taken. Clearly, no one listened.

It must suck for people like Brad to find out they don't control the universe after all.

Stressed

Katie Holmes is married to Tom Cruise...so why does she always look like she hasn't been fucked in a decade? That question answers itself, doesn't it?

Tell Us Something We Don't Know Quincy

Quincy Jones has come out with the most shocking revelation of the last 1000 years:

Michael Jackson didn't want to be black.

Hold on while I stuff the shit back in my asshole.

Jones, in an interview with Details magazine, talks extensively about Michael's obsession with his appearance, which he likens to drug addiction. "[Michael would] come up with, 'Man, I promise you I have this disease,' and so forth, and 'I have a blister on my lungs,' and all that kind of b.s.," Quincy says. "It's hard, because Michael's a Virgo, man — he's very set in his ways. You can't talk him out of it. Chemical peels and all that stuff.

"I've been around junkies and stuff all my life. I've heard every excuse," Jones continues. "It's like smokers — 'I only smoke when I drink' and all that stuff. But it's bullshit. You're justifying something that's destructive to your existence. It's crazy.

Jones adds, "Chemical peels and all of it. And I don't understand it. But he obviously didn't want to be black."

Amazing how fast all this stuff is rolling out. Michael Jackson's kids weren't his kids. He was on drugs. He didn't want to be black. All that stuff about him having a skin condition was baloney. What will we find out next? Bubbles was actually a tiny midget in a chimp suit?