As if Kristen Stewart doesn't have enough to worry about with a million Twilight fans wanting to steal her underwear...now she has to deal with a mean old lesbian hovering over her while she's trying to act.
The mean old lesbian is Joan Jett, the '80s rocker Stewart is playing in her new movie. Seems Jett is inordinately concerned about the authenticity of Stewart's performance and has been giving Stew a hard time on the set.
"Joan just wants Kristen to play an authentic version of herself, so she needled her a little bit too much," a source told Gatecrasher. "But she apologized when she realized how upset Kristen got."
Joan, don't you realize how sensitive artists like K-Stew are? No, you wouldn't, would you? Cause you're just some dumb shit who once put on tight pants and pretended to play a guitar, and got lucky and had one hit that was only a hit because everyone was too drunk to realize how bad it sucked.
Why don't you just back up off of K-Stew and let her do her magic? You should be honored that K-Stew would be willing to play you in a movie. You could've gotten stuck with Taylor Momsen, you know
Mean Lesbian Makes K-Stew Cry
The Sun Doesn't Get In Her Eyes
A day without Lada GaGa dazzling us with her hair would be like a day without sunshine. This one is great because not only is it awesome, it also keeps harmful UV radiation out of your face. And that's good for GaGa who seems to have less pigment going than a mutant rat that has lived its entire life in a cave system beneath Kentucky.
Getting Tired
I love Sacha Baron Cohen almost more than I love orgasms, but the Bruno shtick, which basically involves Sacha dreaming up new ways to make people look at his junk, is beginning to tire out. Thankfully the movie releases soon and the promotional blitz will finally end. Then Sacha can take a nice long vacation with his boyfriend Eminem. It's okay Sacha, I won't tell Isla.
Beauty And The Bitch
Johnny Depp is out reluctantly doing the rounds on behalf of his new movie Public Enemies which is apparently the greatest thing since the Lumiere Brothers first plunked their camera down in front of a factory full of people going home from work. Marion Cotillard, who was so wonderful as Edith Piaf in that movie whose name escapes me, co-stars as Johnny's girlfriend, and everyone says Cotillard will win another Oscar. That's great, except that I hate her guts ever since she made those ridiculous remarks about America never landing on the moon and 9/11 being an inside job. If there's anything I hate worse than an arrogant Frog it's an arrogant Frog who is also delusional and stupid. I wish her face would melt off.
This Will Fix Everything
Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker were this close to Splitsville until they went out and bought themselves some twins. Now I guess everything's okay in their marriage, except for that whole thing where they hate each other's guts and both want to fuck other people. They got a nice photo-op out of it anyway. Broderick's hair is nearly as disturbing as Joe Biden's now.
Does Anyone Feel Bad?
The Michael Jackson media hysteria has claimed its first victim: Fox News reporter Craig Boswell, who got hit by a car while staking out the Jackson Family compound in Encino.
Boswell was reportedly standing on the street when a gold Toyota Corolla came and ran over his foot. Does anyone know if Britney has a gold Toyota Corolla?
Fox says Boswell suffered broken bones in the accident. He might've also suffered some loss of dignity, if he hadn't already sacrificed it all by going to work for Fox News.
Lady Looks Like An Ugly Dude
Mariah Carey is doing something wicked clever for her new music video: she's dressing up like a man. A female popstar doing drag! Who ever heard of such a fabulous bit?
What crazy and original thing will Mariah do next I wonder? Join a nutty religion? Adopt a baby from some shithole third-world country? Punch Rihanna?
Amy Winehouse Finds A New Way To Annoy People
The people who operate the resort in St. Lucia where Amy Winehouse has been dealing with her problems for the last few months are fed up with the pop star's habit of adopting stray dogs and bringing them back to her place to live.
"Management initially turned a blind eye to what Amy was doing," said a source. "But she's adopted about five or six dogs now. They're all strays, without the proper vaccinations and they all have fleas."
They're diseased and flea-ridden? I guess that explains why Amy is so fond of them. She thinks they're one of her own. Or she's one of their own. Who fucking knows what that lunatic thinks.
Not The Chimp Trainer Or The Guy Who Ran The Ferris Wheel?
Us Weekly has revealed the identity of the man who gave up the sperm for Michael Jackson's kids: it was his dermatologist Arnold Klein. Us says Klein and the surrogate mom for two of the kids, Debbie Rowe, signed a paper agreeing never to reveal the truth, or else Michael would noogie them to death. But now Michael is dead so I guess somebody figures it's okay to blab.
This Is Getting Fucked Up
TMZ is reporting the same thing that was alleged this weekend by News of the World: that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of any of his children. But TMZ's sources go even further, claiming that Debbie Rowe was not the biological mother, but merely acted as a surrogate for the two older kids, Michael, Jr. and Paris. The third kid, Prince Michael II aka Blanket, was brought into the world via a surrogate who has yet to be identified.
TMZ also says that Jackson never legally adopted any of the kids. I guess in his world, if you said you were the daddy, that made you the daddy. Even if you never fucked mommy, or even squirted into a test-tube so mommy's eggs could be fertilized and placed into another mommy's body. Did this dude every do anything normal?
Why Am I Not Bothered By This?
The death of Michael Jackson has affected a lot of people in a lot of different ways, but it's definitely hit home the hardest amongst his most diehard fans, some whom have been demonstrating their undying devotion by, um, dying.
That's right, dying. On purpose. 12 of them so far, according to Gary Taylor, president of the world's biggest Michael Jackson fan-club.
"It is a serious situation that these people are going through but Michael Jackson would never want this," Taylor said of the self-snuffers. "He would want them to live."
Or, at the very least, try to buy as much of his shit as possible before sealing up the garage and turning on the engine.
The natural reaction here is to call these people crazy, and weep and wail about what a shame it is that they have so little to live for, but I don't really see anything here to feel bad about. All I see is 12 fewer useless, pathetic dipshits.
If celebrities dying is what it takes for humanity to drop this deadweight, then I say, let's kill some more celebrities. And shut down the suicide hotlines. And start handing out razor blades and bottles of pills on streetcorners. We've gotta thin the herd somehow people.
He Can't Be That Dumb, Can He?
A former John Edwards aide is pitching a book proposal in which he alleges, among other things, that Edwards made a sex tape with his mistress and baby mama Rielle Hunter.
The aide, Andrew Young, also reveals that he was lying when he himself made a statement last year claiming credit for knocking up Ms. Hunter. Young says he was so devoted to Edwards that, not only did he pretend he was the one who'd had the affair with Hunter, he willingly allowed Hunter to move in with him and his own wife and kids to hide Hunter's pregnancy from the media.
Young says he discovered the sex tape after Hunter moved out, and he and his own family moved to a new house. Young also claims that Hunter discussed her and Edwards' plans for marriage in the event Edwards' cancer-stricken wife Elizabeth did them the favor of kicking off.
Just when you thought John Edwards couldn't slide any farther down the slimeball scale...a sex tape. Actually, that's not slimeball scale, that's idiot scale. Unless you're a no-talent media whore like Kim Kardashian, there is no earthly reason for you to be making a sex tape. What, were John and Rielle planning on whipping the thing out after Elizabeth passed and they got hitched, so they could remember the good old days when he betrayed his cancer-ridden wife and ruined his political career? Make some popcorn baby, I wanna watch the sex that completely fucked up my life.
This guy isn't even worthy of being a New York politician, that's how fucking low he is.
She Wove The Headband From Her Own Pubic Hair
Tara Reid has a new boyfriend, who may be the retarded son of Richard Grieco. Sorry, that should read, "even more retarded son" of Richard Grieco. I'm still shocked Johnny Depp ended up the big star to come out of 21 Jump Street. I was sure it would either be Grieco or Dom DeLuise's fat son.
Bye Bye Bernie
World-renowned Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff has received 150 years in prison, the maximum sentence, for bilking rich, famous people like Larry King and Steven Spielberg out of billions of dollars.
"I'm responsible for a great deal of suffering and pain, I understand that," Madoff blubbered to the court before sentencing. "I live in a tormented state now, knowing all of the pain and suffering that I've created. I've left a legacy of shame, as some of my victims have pointed out, to my family and my grandchildren."
Yeah, sure Bernie, you're just overcome with remorse. Well, I've got a suggestion to remedy that: hang yourself with your belt. That's what you'd do if you had any honor.
Stop With The Dying Already!
Fred Travalena has joined the parade of celebs heading to the grave. The 66-year-old Vegas performer, a favorite of your father, expired from non-Hodgkin's lymphoma on Sunday according to his publicist.
Goodbye Fred Travalena. You will be missed by the people who knew you were not already dead.
David Bowie Is Crying Jealous Tears
This Lady GaGa outfit rocks. I can't tell where the cheesy Flock of Seaguls-style keyboard ends and the dress begins.
I'm so pissed that Lady GaGa outraced me to that wig when we both saw it at Phil Spector's Goin' to Jail sale. I would've tripped the bitch but I was afraid to break her solar panels.
Shit-Shit's New Hair
It's Monday, so Shitney has dyed her hair brown. Actually, she reportedly did it for her boyfriend Jason Trawick, who used to just be her agent before he slipped her the Rohypnol. What the hell am I saying? You don't need to slip Britney anything to make her fuck you. Just make sad puppy-dog eyes at her and she'll mount you like Secretariat.
Will She Or Won't She?
Michael Jackson's mother Katharine has filed papers to receive guardianship of the late freak's children, but the filing doesn't indicate whether the bio-mom of the two older kids, Debbie Rowe, intends making a challenge.
Rowe, we were told a few days ago, was preparing to mount a custody fight against the Jacksons, but there was a story yesterday in News of the World (since removed from their website) full of bizarre reports, including one that had Rowe revealing that Michael wasn't even the kids' father, and that she had no intention of seeking custody.
Well, I don't know who can look at those kids and not see that Michael at least donated the sperm. As for Rowe's desire to seek custody: as I said before, I'm sure that all depends on how much money she thinks she can pump the Jacksons for. She took a huge pay-off from Michael to go away before, so why not seek another load of fuck off cash from grandma? It just doesn't make any business sense for Rowe to hand over custody without at least threatening a fight.
Too Bad He Couldn't Have Sold Himself A Thicker Skull
Annoying TV pitchman Billy Mays reportedly received a blow to the head during a rough plane landing in Tampa just hours before his wife found him dead. A statement by an FAA official indicated that Mays was not wearing his seatbelt at the time of the injury, but that statement has since been retracted.
Authorities refuse to connect Mays' death to the airplane incident, and will only say that no foul play was involved. However, it's pretty clear to me that Mays died of the blow to the head he suffered on that flight. It was either that or God finally listening to my nightly prayers for Mays to die and go to hell. I don't need a cabinet full of cleaners? Fuck you dead apeman.
Jamie Foxx Sucks
Jamie Foxx paid tribute to Michael Jackson at the BET Awards by wearing his jacket and high-water pants and butchering his famous dance moves. Then he completed the touching homage by picking a 10-year-old boy out of the audience, pouring liquor down his throat and raping him.
Michael Jackson's About To Have Company
A few days ago we witnessed a former adorable child star come to a tragic end after a long, public disintegration. And, by the looks of Lindsay Lohan, we will be witnessing another such spectacle pretty much any day now. The only difference being the amount of time required to complete the disintegration.
Do you think she actually thinks she's sexy?
Soon There Will Be No Celebrities Left
Another celebrity has hit the highway to heaven a tad ahead of schedule. Billy Mays, famed TV pitchman, was found dead in his Tampa home early Sunday morning, according to authorities. An autopsy is scheduled for Monday. Foul play is not suspected.
Perhaps he just inhaled too much of the crap he was selling? By the way, Mays was 50 - just like Michael Jackson. WeeeooowEEEEEEooooooooo.
No One Else Will Hang Out With Him
I figured Jon Gosselin would be living the high-life without that dumb roadkill-haired bitch around..."high" as in "high on pot and co-ed poon." But no. He just looks sad and lost, with only his dogs to hang out with. Perhaps he should try switching teams? There's nothing better than a throbbing bone up your ass to improve your outlook on life.
Jackson's Sad Final Months
The sad final six months of Michael Jackson are chronicled in this long Daily Mail piece by Ian Halperin. The short version: Jackson was fucked because of a genetic disorder that ruined his lungs and left him in frail health and unable to sing, but his handlers wanted to keep pumping him for cash, so they made him sign this deal to do 50 shows even though he was barely capable of standing. Jackson became so distressed over what he knew would be a dismal failure that he essentially wanted to die. Then...he died.
Oh, and Halperin confirms that Jackson was gay. Clearly he was tormented by this fact. You only had to look at him to know he was consumed with self-loathing. But, you know, that's what shrinks are for. Self-hatred and social anxiety are no reasons to withdraw entirely into a fantasy world. Everything Jackson suffered could've been dealt with if only he hadn't been a cash-cow to so many people. He was done-in by being Michael Jackson.
(Thanks xnorb-evad)
Of Course
Jesse Jackson has figured out a way to insinuate himself into the Michael Jackson death story. The former civil rights leader and latter-day media-clown has appointed himself the family's official spokesperson, and has conveyed their wish to have a second autopsy performed on Michael to possibly clear up some lingering questions about how he died.
Suspicion continues to swirl around Michael's personal doctor Conrad Murray, who administered the Demerol that apparently caused the singer's fatal heart attack. "The routine inquiry is now an investigation," Jesse said. "They [the Jacksons] didn't know the doctor. ... He should have met with the family, given them comfort on the last hours of their son."
Too bad Michael didn't bleed all over Jesse - then he could've gone around wearing the blood-stained shirt for days.
It's nice to see Jesse sticking up for the little guy again. He's such a crusader for the downtrodden and oppressed.
Give Them To Kate
It's about to get ugly between Michael Jackson's family and horse breeder Debbie Rowe, the woman who infamously bore Jackson's two older children via artificial insemination.
Rowe has reportedly told friends she will "fight tooth and nail" to gain custody of the kids - including the youngest, who is not hers - despite having once taken millions of dollars to stay out of their lives.
Needless to say, the Jacksons have no intention of standing by while Rowe makes off with M.J.'s freaky progeny. Michael's 79-year-old mother Katherine is ready to go Roman on Rowe if that's what it takes to get the bitch out of the picture.
If this whole case were simply a matter of common sense, and not money, Rowe would win hands down. Because how could any responsible person justify letting anyone in the Jackson family have custody of anything? I wouldn't let a Jackson raise a spider plant.
Unfortunately, it is all about money, as in "how much money will it take to get Debbie Rowe to go away again?" I'm sure the Jacksons with all their vast wealth will be able to come up with a number.
My solution: Just let Kate Gosselin have the kids. They could use a dose of reality.
Jackson Doctor Sought
The L.A. police have been investigating Michael Jackson's death, and have zeroed in on a doctor, Conrad Robert Murray, whose responsibility it was to give Jacko his daily Demerol injection.
This doctor reportedly gave Jacko a shot of the opium-based pain killer right before he died. Then, just to make sure plenty of suspicion attached itself to him, Murray went missing.
Murray has since surfaced, according to TMZ, and is preparing to speak to authorities. Meanwhile, TMZ also reports that members of Jacko's family had expressed concern about his Demerol habit. It's always the shady doctor isn't it?
Janet Or Michael?
Janet Jackson arrives in L.A. - or is it Michael in disguise? They've still never been seen together in the same room.
Does everyone in that family have creepy hands?
People Who Aren't Dead, Part 2
Sacha Baron Cohen, also not dead.
Weird little story tying in Sacha with Michael Jackson: There was a big promotional event for Bruno in L.A. yesterday, and as part of the staging for said event, Michael Jackson's Walk of Fame star had to be covered. After news broke of Jackson's death, people came out to put flowers on his star - only problem was, Jackson's star was still covered; but there is a second star for a different Michael Jackson, an L.A. radio personality, and that was the one people started setting their tributes around. So now loads of nitwits are showing their friends cell phone pictures they took of the candle they lit next to Michael Jackson's star, and it's the wrong Michael Jackson.
Sacha Baron Cohen causes hilarious shit, even when he doesn't meant to.
Ex Post Jacko
An autopsy will be performed on Michael Jackson some time today, giving some lucky medical examiner a chance to find out what parts were still original, and what parts were replacements. As usual, there will be a 6-8 week wait for the toxicology report. Already there are indications that prescription drugs may have played a part in Jacko's untimely demise-o; evidently he had been hitting the pills pretty hard in recent times. Much like Elvis, Jacko couldn't handle the twistedness of his own existence without chemical assistance. And I'm guessing his conscience probably gave him some problems too. Let's face it - if you have any kind of a soul in your body, you can't grope children, and ply them with Jesus Juice for the purposes of having your way with them, without experiencing tortuous guilt. If one remains capable of acknowledging one's own monstrousness to oneself, one avoids becoming entirely a monster. Even if one has a putty nose, no ears and skin several shades lighter than what one was born with.
People Who Aren't Dead, Part 1
Nicole Kidman, unlike Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, is not dead. I think. Actually, with Nicole it's hard to tell. She does often look like she's been embalmed.
Madonna's Jacko Statement
Madonna is despondent over the death of Michael Jackson. "I can't stop crying over the sad news," Vadge said in a statement. "I have always admired Michael Jackson. The world has lost one of the greats, but his music will live on forever!
My heart goes out to his three children and other members of his family. God bless."
P.S. - Kabbalah could've saved him, but that's all water under the bridge now I guess.
By the way, Madonna is lying about crying. Everyone knows she no longer has tear ducts.
Update: Michael Jackson Is Dead
I don't know what crazy demons lurked inside Michael Jackson's brain, but it doesn't matter now, because the former King of Pop is dead. If there is a God, Michael has some serious shit he will have to answer for. And yes I realize I'm focusing on the negative here, but how can you focus on anything else? He was a great performer, once, but he became a sick freak who touched children and lied about it, and cut off his own facial features, and basically made everyone ill for the last 15 years of his twisted existence. Perhaps he deserves sympathy, given the way he was brought up. Clearly, he never had a chance for a normal life; he was warped almost from the start. There is tragedy there. But we are ultimately responsible for our actions. If there's a silver lining, it's that maybe now Jackson's children will have a chance to be brought up in something resembling a normal environment, and will get to be real human beings. Let's hope.
Update: TMZ's report that Michael Jackson had expired was cast into doubt by major media outlets like CNN, who apparently look down their noses at the internet. But now all doubt has been removed: the LA Times confirms that Jackson is dead.
Jackson Tried To Kill Himself?
Rumors are swirling that Michael Jackson's "heart attack" was the result of a deliberate sleeping pill overdose. But why would Michael Jackson try to kill himself?
Oh right: he's broke, he has skin cancer, and he's an evil piece of shit who molested children and is probably tormented in the depths of his soul. Stupid question.
Jacko Dead-O?
Disturbing reports are swirling about Michael Jackson. Just moments ago, it came across the wire that Jackson had been rushed to UCLA Medical Center after going into cardiac arrest. TMZ says that paramedics had to perform CPR on Jackson when they arrived at his residence.
You're probably thinking what I'm thinking: There is no amount of money that could induce me to do CPR on Michael Jackson. Whoever performed that duty is some kind of mad hero. More to come...
Advice For Transformers Fans
LaBoof has some advice for anyone who's wondering how they will be able to endure the new Transformers movie without losing their minds. Crabbie's advice for the Megan Fox pervs: try not to squirt too hard on the head of the person in the seat in front of you. That's how public castrations happen.
Another Reason Twitter Needs To Die
Oh look, it's Katy Perry naked in a bathtub with only a tray of pizza between our eyes and her naughty parts. And of course it was posted by Katy herself on Twitter. The people who invented Twitter should have their balls run over by a steamroller.
Cougar Buffet
The Jonas Brothers were on with Regis and Kelly. So what do you think...is Kelly a Nick girl or Joe girl? Or would she prefer the other one, just to be different? And what about Regis? He's all about Joe I think. "Purity rings?" thinks Regis. "I've got a ring for you. It's loose and wrinkly and some call it a sphincter."
Question: Is interviewing the Jonas Brothers anything like talking to drapes?
She Wishes
Dear Jen: Forget it. Gerard Butler is not into you. That one roll he gave you was all you're going to get. And that was just so he would have a story to tell his grandkids - his grandkids via children from a relationship with a woman who is not you.
Farrah Passes
Farrah Fawcett has left the earth after a long battle with cancer. Ryan O'Neal's statement reads:
After a long and brave battle with cancer, our beloved Farrah has passed away. Although this is an extremely difficult time for her family and friends, we take comfort in the beautiful times that we shared with Farrah over the years and the knowledge that her life brought joy to so many people around the world.
It is still undetermined whether Redmond will be released from the clink to attend the funeral. Farrah doesn't care either way. Her troubles are over. She will never have to worry what will become of her piece of shit son again.
She Should've Worn The Hat On Her Ass
If you wrapped a microwaved hot dog up in a blue two-piece and stuck a dumb-looking hat on it...
And she wonders why Jonny-boy prefers the little college hardbodies. You gotta keep that shit tight if you want to hold onto the man.
She Just Doesn't Give A Shit
Lindsay Lohan doesn't give a shit about your smoking bans. She will light up a heater anywhere she pleases, even inside a hair salon. Rules are for normal people, not superstars. And quit your whining about giving innocent people cancer. Those people work with dangerous hair-styling chemicals all day; they've already got more cancer waiting to pop up than a hundred chain smoking former movie stars. You're just jealous that you don't get to do whatever you want, whenever you want, to whomever you want.
LaBoof Slobbers On Fox Hottie
LaBoof has a thing for Asian chicks, as he demonstrates in this snippet from an interview with some Fox News broad. Let's hope they at least got to a motel room before mauling each other.
Swaggart Moment
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is running around doing the "forgive me for I have sinned" act after getting caught boning some ho in Argentina (while he was allegedly out hiking the Appalachian trail). Sanford had been considered a Republican presidential hopeful for 2012 but now, he's just another cheating, lying, hypocritical politician like John Edwards and Larry Craig and all the rest. At least he managed to sort of retain his dignity through his press conference; he didn't do a full-on Swaggart. But even a half-Swaggart is still pretty repulsive.
Crossed The Line
Darryl Hannah has crossed the line from "she's had too much work done" to "she should just rope herself off and charge people to look at her." Disaster.
The Perfect Metaphor
This image is the perfect metaphor for Jennifer Aniston's existence. But what does the empty carriage represent? Her love-life? Her childlessness? Her overall spiritual state? Ponder it while I microwave myself another panini.
Look Out Calista
I think Rachel McAdams has designs on Harrison Ford. Either that or she just really admires his plugs.
Not Taking It Lying Down
Jon Gosselin isn't going to stand idly by and let his soon-to-be-ex-wife Kate suggest that he is a threat to her and their children, and she seemed to when releasing this statment:
Over the course of this weekend, Jon's activities have left me no choice but to file legal procedures in order to protect myself and our children.
Jon replied, "I am deeply saddened that we are divorcing, and also hurt by the statement Kate made last night about the divorce. I have always done everything I can to protect our family."
Except when you were away boning college girls. Sorry Jon, but you're the man, therefore it is all your fault. It is a tad amusing, though, that the one who got caught slapping the kid around in public is crying about needing protection.
She Even Falls Awesomely
Kristen Stewart is shooting the Joan Jett biopic The Runaways. Here's video of her...um...running away. Not sure from what. Robert Pattinson? Anyway, she loses her balance and falls, apparently effing up her palms on the pavement. Acting is dangerous. That's why actors get paid millions of dollars and should always be treated like exceptional people.
Who'd Have Thunk Zachary Quinto Would Be A Weirdo
A pretty much indescribable video featuring Star Trek star Zachary Quinto, a dog and a dude dressed up as a steak. I'm guessing this was staged - unless Quinto often walks his dog accompanied by fellows wearing meat suits.
This frankly reminds me of something John Mayer would do. Mayer likes fucking with the paps in creative ways...and evidently so does Quinto. It's nice to see he has a sense of humor, even if it is a tad off-the-wall.
I Can't Take All This Breaking Up
First Jon and Kate...now Nick and Vanessa.
Yes, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have called it quits. "It was an amicable break-up," a source said. "They walk away from it still friends."
Just once I'd like to see a celeb couple break up and have the source say, "They've hated each other's guts for months. They decided to split before one of them killed the other." That would be more honest.
Battlefield: Twitter
Former make-out buddies Perez Hilton and John Mayer ain't so chummy anymore. In fact they're downright antagonistic, as demonstrated by the angry Twitter exchange that passed between the two over the last 24 hours. It all began with this Mayer tweet:
@perezhilton's video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.
The video statement referred to by Mayer was the one Perez posted in response to Will.I.Am's video in response to Perez's tweets claiming Will.I.Am punched him after the MuchMusic Awards, a claim that turned out to be completely false. My God I need a drink of water after that. Okay, back to the tweet war:
Perez to Mayer: That's real funny! Ha ha! And I'm sure you also think I "deserved" to get hit!
(Note that it took Perez a good 12 hours to concoct this retort)
Mayer: Not true. In fact I'd like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you'll have the situational awareness not to get in someone's face.
I also want to train you in an old martial art called "Never Call A Black Dude a Faggot Jitsu."
Perez: Dude, I get it. I GET IT. But it's not fucking funny to me. Karma would be me losing my site and going bankrupt or what have u.
Karma is NOT getting punched in the face!
Mayer: agreed. So let's meet up this week and I'll give you your first krav maga instruction. We'll break the event down and learn...
1. de-escalation tactics. 2.Creating distance. Instuctives ("get back!" placing the hand out) 3. Combined block and attack....
by understanding the genetics of a violent incident you can learn to avoid them. And if you can't, you will learn to end them.
Perez (complete moron): I can never tell if ur being sincere or not. It doesnt matter. Have Harley email me contact info for this so I can do on my own.
Mayer: this will be the last public mention of it. You know how to find me. Words have cause and effect, even if the effect is wrong.
Perez: I cant DM u and Im not trying to play this out publicly. B well. I dont wish u harm. I talk shit but I sincerely wish no 1 harm.
Mayer: from the heart, what you experienced these last 24 hrs is a profound lack of control. You can't blog the world, my friend.
Perez (still lost): I totally did experience a lack of control - on the part of Will.I.Am and his road manager! I agree with you 100%!
And people DO want to see me hurt. That's what I've been reading over and over again. But it's cool. I'll be back 2 normal tomm.
Mayer (wasting his time with this numbskull): people don't want to see you hurt, they want to see you experience something equalizing.
Perez: Once again, we agree! I live in my own world. And in my world, I would never punch someone. And in my world, that's illegal!
Also, in my world, if someone repeatedly talks shit about me, I ignore them or TALK as much shit back. But that's just me.
All I really care about in this world is doing right by my family and my dog, and sharing and listening to music.
Mayer: Yah, you're not getting it... OOH! OK. It's like the Matrix. You live in the Perez Matrix. You wrote the program, you can fly.
then you leave the Matrix, and oh, what the hell, you're not gonna get it. You're a sweet guy though.
you might have a gash on your face for a few more days, but the real healing? It's happening right now.
now you sit down behind that Tandy computer and you hash out a Doogie diary. Be sure to pause, think, and keep typing.
because today, the fourth wall came crashing down. Mario, you are human. I call upon Twitter to be kind to you. #perezisokbyme
Perez: I'm not human! I'm a monster! Good night, John Mayer.
Mayer: Good night Perez, you dumb shit.
And that, ladies and germs, is what happens when you try to talk sense to an egomaniac.
Kick His Ass, Cam
Tom Cruise thinks he wants to box Cameron Diaz. Big mistake Tom. Take if from the Crabster - never challenge a Mexican to a fight. And never leave one alone with your wallet either.
Katie's amusement looks so...genuine.
Keep Your Freak-Hands Off God's Creatures, Bitch
Paris Hilton had never fucked a camel...until she got a load of this hot piece of hump. Now she only needs to fuck a platypus, a wombat and a human being with an IQ higher than 100 and she will have completed her own personal Noah's Ark of wrongness.
Now He's Knocking On People's Doors With Giant Envelopes And Balloons In Heaven
Ed McMahon, long-time Johnny Carson sidekick and face of the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes, has died at age 85. McMahon had been sick with pneumonia and other problems since February, so, it was merciful that he finally went. And at least he died in a semi-dignified fashion; no breaking his head on a ski-hill or any of that shit. God, what would he have been doing on a ski-hill at his age? That would've been suicidal. Hilarious, but suicidal.
Goodbye Ed. You didn't matter to any of us for many years, but we still sort of remembered when you kind of did, back in the old days when Johnny Carson made you.
Wronged Woman Speaks
Kate and Jon Gosselin filed for divorce Monday, conveniently just hours ahead of TLC's very special episode of Jon and Kate Plus the Kind of Ickiness None of Us Should Ever Be Exposed to, and now Kate has released a statement blaming all of it on Jon:
"Over the course of this weekend, Jon's activities have left me no choice but to file legal procedures in order to protect myself and our children," Kate said. "While there are reasons why it was appropriate and necessary for me to initiate this proceeding, I do not wish to discuss those reasons at this time, in the hope that all issues will be resolved amicably between Jon and myself. As always, my first priority remains our children."
Translation: motherfucker fucked a younger woman even though I am the hottest bitch on the planet and now motherfucker is going to pay like a motherfucker.
Jon offered his own statement:
"This afternoon, Kate filed for divorce. Our kids are still my number one priority. I love them and want to make sure they stay happy, healthy and safe. My job is being the best, most supportive and loving father that I can be to my kids, and not being married to Kate doesn’t change that."
Translation: Free at last, free at last, great God almighty I am free at last. Hook me up with some college girls and weed! It's a freedom partaaaaaaaaay!
Kate said at the end of last night's very special episode that all she wants is "peace for the kids." That's why you live your life with cameras and insanity around all the time? Bitch has brass balls. Too bad Jon doesn't too, or things might've ended up differently.
Perez Hilton Receives A Second Beatdown, This One From GLAAD
Perez Hilton's latest pathetic attempt at raising his profile has blown up in his zit-scarred face. Stupid bitch thought he could pick a fight with Will.I.Am after the MuchMusic Awards (who the fuck goes to the MuchMusic Awards?) then whine himself to more media run after the inevitable physical assault...unfortunately, in the process of agitating Will.I.Am and his thug general manager, Perez resorted to shouting a certain word - "faggot" - whose use is generally frowned upon by the very same homosexual community Perez pretends to be a leader of.
And now comes the fallout from that ill-advised utterance, via GLAAD, who issued this statement:
We have reached out to Hilton and asked him to apologize for promoting this anti-gay slur, and we would ask media outlets to avoid repetition of the slur in their coverage of this story.
For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is, quote, 'The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,' is incredibly dangerous.
It legitimizes use of a slur that is often linked to violence against our community. And it sends a message that it is OK to attempt to dehumanize people by exploiting anti-gay attitudes.
Memo to GLAAD and everyone else who thought Perez was sincere in his pro-gay advocacy: get a fucking clue you morons. All that faggot ever cared about was getting famous, any way, any how. He played the gay card because, let's face it, he wasn't going to be able to play the looks card, the brains card or the writing talent card.
If Perez really cares so much about gay folk, why has he spent most of his career outing people who don't want to be outed, then claiming he does it for their own good?
The spectacle Perez made of himself in the wake of the Carrie Prejean episode was the most shameful of all, his righteous indignation nothing more than an act calculated to bring even more spotlight on himself. Trust me, the fool doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself.
He will now, however, have to apologize for the faggot remark. He has backed himself into a corner on this one. Like all media egomaniacs, he finally crossed the line, and is getting the slapdown he so richly deserves.
Is He Expecting A Coup?
No, Justin Timberlake did not give up the pop star's life to become an ambassador to some dipshit African hellhole...this is how he rolls into the airport in Paris. I guess no one will bug him now. Except the paps, who are clearly not afraid of machine guns or the grim-faced, beret-wearing fuckers who tote them. Way to not over-do it Justin.
No Jail For Chris Brown
Chris Brown has agreed to a plea deal and will not see any jail time for beating Rihanna's face to a pulp in a well-publicized incident from a couple of months ago. Brown will have to complete 1440 hours worth of work duty, which will include cleaning up litter from the side of the road and washing fire trucks. He will also get 5 years enforced probation and will have to seek counseling for domestic abuse issues. Oh, and he has to stay 50 yards away from Rihanna, except at public events where he will be allowed within 5 yards of her. I guess that means they won't be fucking anymore, unless his dick is 50 yards long, which I'm guessing it isn't, or Kim Kardashian would already have run off with him.
It's Over
Jon and Kate Gosselin filed divorce papers in Pennsylvania today, bringing their 10-year marriage to an end barring any unforeseen reconciliation. Interesting timing given that TLC has already been advertising their "very special" episode of Jon and Kate Plus Unbearable Tension for tonight. I guess next season will be all about Kate trying to make it as a single mom with 8 kids. I don't know how she'll be able to handle all that. I guess the nannies and millions of dollars will help, but still...brave, brave woman.
Get Used To It Kid
Photogs have been falling all over themselves trying to get a decent picture of Madonna's new adopted daughter Mercy. Here it finally is. The kid looks mildly upset but not on the verge of a psychotic episode like Suri or Pax.
Mercy will have many new experiences like this in the days and weeks to come. By now I'm sure she's already been introduced to Western food, which is nothing like the food in Malawi in that it actually exists. And Western water, which lacks that extra just-shit-into taste. And Western mosquitoes, which only take little bites, rather than tearing off your entire arm.
Oh, and of course she's gotten to hang out with David and Lourdes. The first thing she did was grab one of Lourdes' eyebrows, to see if it was real. Abe Vigoda gets that all the time too.
Perez Hilton Is A Liar
The truth is coming out about Perez Hilton's alleged scrum with Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas. First of all, it turns out Will.I.Am wasn't the one who punched Perez - it was the Black Eyed Peas' general manager Polo Molina, who frankly looks like the kind of person who would punch a homosexual in the face at a hotel in Toronto in the middle of a night. Molina has already turned himself in to the police, who have charged him with assault. Meanwhile, Perez continues running around playing the victim, even posting a tearful, over-acted video on his site.
I would love to buy into Perez's righteous indignation and appeal for non-violence on behalf of himself and all the oppressed masses of the earth (including, I'm assuming, the Iran protesters) but I can't because, well, he lied. He said in his tweets that Will.I.Am punched him, but Will.I.Am didn't punch him, someone in Will.I.Am's posse punched him. Clearly, Perez wanted to play his misfortune for publicity, and thought tweeting "Will.I.Am punched me" would have more impact than "Will.I.Am's thuggish general manager punched me." Will.I.Am should sue Perez for defamation.
Actually, my favorite outcome for this would be for Will.I.Am and Perez to get locked inside Spencer and Heidi's torture hut for a few days, but I never get my wishes, especially when they involve people I hate dying. God hates me. But not as much as He hates Perez's face.
He's Only Doing It For The Drugs
Ryan O'Neal told Barbara Walters that he and Farrah Fawcett plan on getting married after 30 years of fucking. In case you haven't been paying attention, Farrah is currently dying of cancer, so...
All right, here's where I stop myself. The New Crabbie. No more terrible jokes at the expense of the afflicted. All I'm going to say is, congratulations Farrah and Ryan. I hope you have many happy minutes days together, and I hope Redmond doesn't use up all the drugs Ryan is trying to get custody of by pulling this stunt.
Look Out Brad And Angie
Matthew McConaughey has knocked up his girlfriend Camila Alves for a second time, the actor announced on his website.
"We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun," Matthew wrote. "Levi is going to be a big brother... Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows.... just keep livin, Matthew and Camila."
Parking your dick in some broad's cooch and thinking about Lance Armstrong until you squirt is a great miracle?
Um...
Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. A suggestion for Mr. Burton: how about making one movie - just one - that takes place in the real world, and has people in it who don't look like illustrations from the kind of horrible, nightmare-inducing storybook my mom would read to me because she thought it was cute? You know your creative life has gone off into a freaky area when Pee Wee's Big Adventure is your most rigorously naturalistic film. Oh, and memo to Johnny Depp - you don't have to answer the phone every time Tim Burton calls.
Will.I.Am Kicks Perez Hilton's Ass?
Something incredibly fucked up happened in Toronto between Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am in the wee hours of Monday morning - and it was all documented on Perez's Twitter feed. The action took place at the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel in the wake of the MuchMusic awards, which featured Perez as a presenter. Everything seems fine in Perez's tweets...and then things take a turn toward the dark and bizarre:
Done presenting. Did y'all like my outfit? I can get my drink on now. Yay! Having soooo much fun. MuchMusic rocks!!!
I'm dead! Dead! @LadyGaGa just KILLED it at the MuchMusic Awards. Her tits were on fucking fire!!! Epic. Epic. Epic.
Mission accomplished! I just got a picture with Taylor Lautner!!!! That one is for my fellow fangirls! Xoxo
Is there a gay bar that we can go to with GaGa now that like has a balcony or some place to have fun but be safe?
I'm in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.
I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.
Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.
I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here.
The Toronto police are here now. Thank you. Please stop calling them.
Thank u all from the bottom of my heart for ur concern. The police are investigating the assault now. I did the right thing by reporting it.
I won't be talking about this any further. It is in the hands of the authorities.
I am NOT going to let this affect my work. And today will be a day like any other on the website.
But wait, it gets even stranger (or more contrived and phony, depending on how jaundiced your view of humanity is): In the midst of Perez's Twitter whining and desperate calls for assistance, Will.I.Am himself started his own Twitter account to answer the allegations. Will.I.Am tweeted:
i just made a twitter account because it isnt cool for someone to blame you and blast you with lies...
perez hilton is a liar... http://dipdive.com/member/i...
That "dipdive" link takes you to a video of Will.I.Am refuting Perez's allegations, and accusing Perez of calling him a "faggot." Perez got wind of Will.I.Am's claims and tweeted this back at him:
There are multiple witnesses. You can deny all you want. The truth is the truth and I am telling the truth.
This smells slightly hoaxy, but I want it to be true so badly that I'm going to assume it is until someone comes out and admits it's not. And if it is true, I have only one question: what the fuck kind of shameless, pathetic attention-whore tweets that they've been assaulted and asks their followers to call the police? I knew Mario was low, but I didn't know how low.
Oh, and by the way, that commercial where Bob Dylan hands Will.I.Am the sunglasses? Whoever conceived that should be forced to live out his days in Perez Hilton's colon.
Preemptive Ass Covering
Michael Bay thinks Paramount isn't doing a good enough job promoting his new loud brainless summer extravaganza Transformers 2. "I have been waiting, and waiting for the anticipation of an 'event movie' to make it into the 'public zeitgeist,'" the director ranted in an email to studio chief Brad Grey. Bay specifically ripped the print campaign, calling it an "abject failure." And believe me, this guy knows from abject failures: he made The Island.
Of course this all reeks of preemptive ass covering. If the movie flops, then it will be the fault of the studio for not promoting it. And if Bay is already trying to plant this seed? It must mean he knows the film is doomed, a major league stink-bomb that will make even Land of the Lost look like a classic. That's scary badness right there. Maybe, for the next Transformers movie (if there is one), Bay should just get rid of the giant robots and Shia LaBoof, and have Megan Fox work the pole for 2 hours. At least then she'd finally be tackling a role she can handle.
This Should Be Good (And By Good I Mean The Opposite Of Good)
Ryan Seacrest is planning a new reality show, to star Hollywood wash-out Lindsay Lohan.
"Met with Lindsay last night about a show idea I have for her," Seacrest tweeted after being seen out in Hollywood with Lohan Thursday night. "It helps people and gives others a second shot!"
Or, in Lindsay's case, a 52nd shot.
Is it very wise to be entering into any kind of endeavor that involves Lindsay Lohan? Pretty much everything she's done since Mean Girls has been a flop. That includes her relationships and attempts at stealing jewelry. The girl is just a loser. But, Seacrest is used to being around such pitiful cases. He hosts American Idol. He deals with Paula Abdul on a daily basis.
Madness
Warning: Video Extremely Disturbing
This is video out of Tehran of a young woman lying dead in the street, having been shot by government thugs. Stuff like this is going on all over Iran right now. Demonstrators are being tear gassed. Random unarmed people are being beaten. Iranian State TV is spreading propaganda claiming the protests are being spurred by American-trained agitators. I only wish it were true.
Suck It, Fat Girl
Meghan McCain has long-since been outed as a vapid twat - but, for the benefit of the last few hold-outs, here's a snip of video from last night's Real Time where she gets her head handed to her by Paul Begala.
Yes Meghan, it's true - there were things going on in the world even before you were born. Time did not begin with your introduction into the universe, nor will it end when you leave. Amazingly, it is possible for people to know about this mysterious, dark time before their own arrival on the scene. They read books. They study. They go to school, instead of spending all their time on talk-shows making Heidi Montag sound like Susan Sontag. Would you please now drag your fat ass away? You are embarrassing yourself, your father and the entire human race.
Leighton Meester Has A Sex Tape. Wonder How That Got Out...
Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester is about to separate herself from the generic starlet pack...by having a sex tape break on the internet. News of the tape has been circulating all morning; and now this disgusting site has stills that confirm the tape's existence. Congratulations Leighton Meester. You have now joined Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Pamela Anderson in the Shameless Skank Hall of Fame. You've come a long way since being born in the slammer.
Leave Miley Alone, Freaks
John Travolta's heinous Scientology-spewing, autistic-kid-killing wife Kelly Preston is set to star as Miley Cyrus's mom in a new "coming-of-age" movie called The Last Song. My advice to Miley's handlers - don't let Kelly have any alone-time with her, otherwise she will forget all about Jesus and start babbling about Xenu.
You don't think the Scientologists are hot to land Miley Cyrus? You damn right they are. What a recruiting tool it would be for them to have Miley in the fold. Instead of Miley inspiring youngsters to become slutty, soulless materialists, she could inspire them to become self-righteous, soulless Niacin-freaks. Niacin forever!
Or, even worse, Kelly could take a maternal interest in Miley...and we know Kelly ain't exactly the world's greatest mom. We don't want Miley to wind up floating face-down in a bathtub like the retard, do we?
Um...don't answer that.
How Can The World Still Have Problems With Angie Here?
Angelina spoke at World Refugee Day in Washington, which was apparently sponsored by the channel that airs The Dog Whisperer. They should start a new show called The Refugee Whisperer, starring Angie. Actually, Angie doesn't whisper at refugees, she just sort of looks at them all compassionate and saintly and makes their suffering go away. Someone - Brad, say - should take a picture of Angie doing that look, blow it up really huge, make a million copies and hang them all over the earth. Then no one would ever suffer again. We'd all walk around in a permanent state of Angelina-induced bliss. How come I'm the only one with any good ideas?
Get Dumb
Ed Westwick got so bombed, he thought this shoe was a phone. "Hello? Is this E.T.? You're already home dude. Don't break Elliott's heart again."
Another Bradley
A grainy shot of Jennifer Aniston leaving a New York restaurant with her new piece of man-meat Bradley Cooper. A total coincidence that his first name is Bradley. We know Aniston isn't obsessed with any other Bradleys. She's totally over every other man she's ever had with that name.
Just About Done
Walter Cronkite is reportedly gravely ill, and is expected to bite the big one just about any minute. Cronkite's people have not confirmed this but evidently CBS News staffers have been leaking details of the network's preparations for the big post-bucket-kicking retrospective.
Those born in the last 20 years or so will have no memory of Cronkite, who operated in that strange pre-cable-news era when TV journalists were actually trusted and admired, rather than rightfully scorned and ridiculed. His most famous moment was of course this one:
See that kids? That's called dignity. You've probably never experienced it before. It was once considered a virtue, but now...not so much.
Are You Chewing Your Nails To The Quick? Cause I Am.
The ratings have tanked on Jon and Kate Plus Marital Discord and Public Child Abuse. So you know what that means - a very special episode featuring a very special announcement. Most assume this means Jon and Kate are splitting, but there are a few other possibilities:
- Kate has decided to get with it, and is letting some of Jon's skanks move in to the house.
- Kate is pregnant with Lil Wayne's babies.
- Octomom and Kate will be dragging their collective broods off to a tropical island for a Survivor-style last-kid-standing competition.
- The authorities finally found the body of Kate's missing first husband.
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been spotted living in the tool shed.
- Kate reveals that she has become a seer. She predicts that the world will end in exactly six months when her cooch erupts like fifteen Krakatoas, wiping out all life.
- Jon reached down there one day and realized he had a pair. And now he's gone like a motherfucker.
- Kate has dumped Jon and the kids and moved in with the artist formerly known as the Dirty Disher. They have become lesbian lovers, and will be opening their own crafts store.
- Kate has joined forces with Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean to form a new girl group called The Three Unspeakable Brainless Bitches.
- Kate will be starting her own talk show. Her first guest? Herself. Her second guest? Herself. Her third guest? Billy Mays of infomercial fame!
Michael Richards No Longer Angry And Bitter
Seinfeld co-creator Larry David says disgraced series star Michael Richards is no longer the hateful head-case he seemed to be when he ruined his career with that racist rant several years ago.
"[Michael] is like a new man," David says. "He really went through something. He used to be very angry and bitter. He's completely different now. You can see it, and he can feel it. I'm very happy for him."
Actually Larry, I'm pretty sure Michael is still angry and bitter, he's just trying to hide it because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life juggling on streetcorners or reciting phrases like, "Welcome to Arby's, may I take your order?" At some point even psychotics realize they have to tone it down.
Not The Happy Ending He Had In Mind
David Archuleta's father Jeff has pleaded no contest and paid a $582 fine after being busted for receiving extra special service from a massage parlor ho back in January.
The police statement describes what went down in the Utah massage parlor after cops found Jeff being worked on: "Two of our detectives went back to that room to stop the activity. Inside they found a female masseuse and male client. At that time an interview ensued and the male client admitted to receiving sexual gratification from the masseuse."
"Female masseuse" is a redundancy, but whatever. It's a police media statement, not a fucking Wall Street Journal article.
On the scale of humiliating celebrity parent transgressions, this rates about a 2. It shouldn't even be illegal for a dude to get stroked in a massage parlor. It's a massage parlor. That should include every part of the body. What a backward nation we live in.
Sad Pirate
Katie Holmes has spent the last several days rehearsing for her number on the show So You Think You Can Dance.
Remember when Katie married Tom Cruise to give her career a boost?
I don't think appearing on a dopey TV talent show was what she meant by "boost." I can't believe that, at this point, Katie thinks marrying Tom was really worth it. Unless she enjoys being forced to haul their miserable child around all day for pub, and not being allowed to have sex except with electronic implements Tom has personally chosen and tried out himself.
Can't Any Of These Bitches Walk?
Last week Sonia Sotomayor fell at the airport and broke her ankle, and then yesterday, Hillary Clinton took a tumble near the White House and broke her elbow. Which begs the question: What the fuck are these bitches drinking? And why am I not presently loaded on the stuff?
If I'm Kathleen Sebelius, I'm being really careful stepping off any curbs, going up any stairs or attempting to perambulate in the presence of any large carpet crimps.
IT'S A TRAP!
The Day Mainstream Media Became Irrelevant
Iran is in the midst of what may turn out to be a full-blown revolution, and where are people who really care turning for their news? CNN? The networks? No. Try Huffington Post, Twitter and YouTube. The civil strife in Iran, and the way it's been covered - or not covered - by the regular news outlets, has brought about the official beginning of the post-MSM age. It isn't even worth the trouble to pick up the remote and click on the television - it's all right there, in real time, unfiltered, without a lot of blow-dried anchors injecting their moronic opinions.
YouTube is so sensitive to its new role as a means of exposing oppression that it's suspended its rules against posting violent content. Of course, finding stuff on YouTube can be a chore, which is why there's Citizentube (don't go there unless you want to see people dying and getting their heads kicked in). Meanwhile, The Huffington Post has had bloggers covering the whole thing 24/7, and has put together an aggregation of Twitter feeds.
CNN doesn't have to worry about covering Iran - it's taken care of. They can now focus their precious resources on the stories they really care about.
Piano Man Playing Solo
Billy Joel has broken up with his wife Katie Lee after 5 years of marriage. A statement says they "remain caring friends with admiration and respect for each other" but you know that's total bullshit. Maybe he admires and respects her, but nobody on this earth admires and respects Billy Joel. Especially people who've listened to his atrocious music.
Palin Supporters
Behold! Sarah Palin supporters on the warpath against the Great Satan, David Letterman. All Rhodes Scholars, I bet.
These people, according to Palin, are the "real America." And I agree. Which is why I spend most of my time in a near-suicidal depression.
Deflation
Some folks are claiming that Posh has had another boob job, this one of the shrinking variety. The gossip mongers on the other side of the pond say Posh got sick of her trashy "WAG look," and thought smaller ones would make her seem classier. The picture above, taken a week ago, doesn't settle the matter one way or the other as far as I can see. She looks a little haggard maybe, but haggard doesn't equal classy, or real, or even human. Assuming the boobs have been deflated...I wonder what David thinks. Did he sign off on the reduction or was it done against his wishes? Or is he just way beyond caring what the fuck Posh does, so long as she doesn't make a fuss about his homosexual gangbangs?
The Very Height Of Stupidity
Believe it or not, there are actually people who are upset at this video of Obama swatting a fly, then sort of gloating about his Daniel-San-like reflexes and hand-eye coordination. PETA has, of course, jumped on the bandwagon, with some snarky remark about how "the Buddha has a long way to go." So it's not okay to kill insects now? Honestly, I have a real problem with people who can't distinguish different levels of existence. A fly is not equal to a human, or a dog or a dolphin or even a mouse. It's a fly. Am I supposed to not brush my teeth because it kills innocent bacteria? Actually, I don't brush my teeth, so that's a bad example. But you get my drift. At some point, one reaches the threshold below which everything is fair game. My scale bottoms out right above PETA member.
Who You Gonna Call? Nacho Libre!
Jack Black wants in on the planned third installment in the popular but long-dormant Ghostbusters series.
"Could I see myself in it?" Black said to Moviefone. "Yeah, I can bust some ghosts! I ain't afraid of no ghosts! Buster."
No Jack, you aren't afraid of ghosts. Shaving? Washing your hair? Giving a performance that doesn't make the audience wish for your character to meet with an unfortunate accident involving your penis and a pair of garden shears? Different matters.
And no, the world is not clamoring for Ghostbusters 3. We remember Ghostbusters 2.
Give Me A Break
Sarah Palin has accepted the unnecessary apology David Letterman offered for his jokes about Alex Rodriguez and Eliot Spitzer that made reference to Palin's slutty daughter Brisol...but Palin's moronic supporters aren't as forgiving as their shit-for-brains queen, and are still calling for Letterman to be fired.
The negative publicity is unfortunately having an effect on Letterman's show. Not only has the program been bogged down with apologies, but now sponsors like Embassy Suites are pulling ads, claiming they are not taking sides in the matter but are simply retreating until things calm down.
Way to stand up for principle, Embassy Suites.
This whole thing would be completely absurd and laughable if only it weren't so terrifying, so indicative of a whole strain of Fascist thinking that disguises itself as right-minded outrage. And Palin's behavior in the whole mess is frankly reprehensible. The bitch needs to do more than just accept the apology and walk away - she needs to denounce the protesters who insist on continuing their politically-motivated attacks. Of course, this is not the first time Palin has stood idly by while her supporters behaved like hooligans. During the campaign, when Barack Obama was being called all sorts of horrible things, Palin could've spoken out against the hysteria, but instead she winked at it.
Clearly, Palin enjoys being at the center of these shitstorms. And she knows that, the more frenzied her supporters become, the more it solidifies her position as the head right-wing nutcase. And the great thing for her is that she doesn't really have to do anything. Once the controversy gets rolling, she can step aside, pretending to be magnanimous, and watch her mutton-headed minions do all the dirty work. Mussolini would be proud.
Rihanna's Dress Will Eat Your Soul
I haven't seen anything that scary since the last time I ate raw habanero peppers washed down with mescal before going to sleep. I don't mean the dress - I mean the hair.
Disaster In The Making
Russell Crowe as Robin Hood sounds about as lame as Kevin Costner as Robin Hood - and this is coming from somebody who thinks Russell Crowe is a great actor. The problem is, the dude is just too old and fat to be playing Robin Hood. You need somebody graceful and young to play Robin Hood, somebody swashbuckling and high-spirited. Crowe is big and thick and heavy and brooding, and going by that costume, that's exactly the kind of Robin Hood we're going to get. This whole endeavor seems pointless to me and it will be really hilarious watching the movie go down in flames.
Mia Farrow Is Down One Brother
Mia Farrow's brother Patrick, a sculptor, was found deader than Elvis on the floor of his Vermont art studio late Monday night. Police are calling the death "suspicious" and an autopsy has been scheduled.
I can't imagine what kind of hideous fiend would want to murder Mia Farrow's sculptor brother in his Vermont art studio. Maybe I would be better able to get my mind around this senseless tragedy if I actually gave a fuck about it.
Next.
Pathetic
Lindsay Lohan has been reduced to posting topless pictures of herself on Twitter, and whining about how bored she is. I really don't know what to say about this. It makes me sad yet at the same time not sad. Frankly, what it mostly does is gross me out, and I don't think I'm alone in that. Even the sort of males who might normally be turned on by starlets posting titillating photos of themselves online are thinking, "Put it away girl."
Washed up at 22? How does that happen? Oh right - booze and drugs.
Year None
It's a law of the universe that comedies set in prehistoric times are doomed to fail. Wholly Moses anyone? History of the World: Part I? Clan of the Cave Bear?
Actually, I take that back - there is one good comedy with a prehistoric setting: Buster Keaton's The Three Ages. Alas, Jack Black is not Buster Keaton, and neither is Michael Cera. Their movie Year One looks unspeakably dreadful, nothing like one of Keaton's graceful, inventive comedies. And I actually kind of like Jack Black. Michael Cera I can take or leave. Looking on the bright side: at least there's no Daryl Hannah. I don't think.
Cute Puppy
The plucky puppy took on its greatest challenge: licking the ugly from Kellie Pickler's face. Alas, he was doomed to fail.
A Happy Man?
I look at Ryan Reynolds and I think, "Is this a happy man I see?" I don't ask this cause I actually care but just in idle curiosity. He is married to Scarlett Johansson, as you may recall. I say "as you may recall" because, frankly, I never see pictures of them together. Actually, I'm not entirely certain they are married. I think they may have punked us.
Lots of heteros envy this guy cause he (presumably) gets to play with Scarlett's milkbags, but, big sloppy milkbags aren't really all that hard to get your hands on. Lots of women have them. If you want to grab some bad enough, just go find an ugly, desperate, fat bitch, then close your eyes and pretend the rest of her is Scarlett. I have to explain everything to you vag-lovers, don't I?
Human Traffic Cone
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 23 the other day. This is Ashley aka the One Who Didn't Murder Heath Ledger dressed as an item one commonly sees blocking off closed traffic lanes. Or, as I like to call them, free megaphones.
Freaks Come Out In The Daytime Too
This is a photo of Robert Pattinson allegedly being attacked by crazed Twilight fans on the street in New York. I don't believe it though. Those people are altogether too clean, plus they look like they might have jobs. Twilight fans are all disgusting and ratty-haired, and seem like they haven't seen the sun in weeks, and generally look like the kind of people who don't set seeking gainful employment as a high priority in their lives. In other words, they all kind of look like Robert Pattinson.
Nearly Offed Himself
Certifiable lunatic Alec Baldwin claims his exposure as the world's most revolting excuse for a father caused him to contemplate taking his own life.
Baldwin's long dark night of the soul began when a verbally abusive voicemail he left for his daughter Ireland ("rude little pig") was released to the public, touching off an ugly backlash.
But Baldwin finally decided not to kill himself because, he says, "If I committed suicide, [ex-wife Kim Basinger] would have considered that a victory. Destroying me was [her] avowed goal.
And for once in your life you couldn't just give Kim what she wanted? God damn it Baldwin, why must you be so stubborn?
At Last, The System Is Working For Me
You may have noticed a precipitous decline in the number of really annoying scam robocalls lately. That's cause the fuckwads responsible for the #1 most annoying robocall scam, the "your warranty is about to expire" bit that interrupted many a happy lunch hour and masturbation session for the Crabster and thousands of others, have had an injunction slapped on them by the Federal Trade Commission and are staring down the barrel of a giant class-action suit.
The four pieces of shit responsible for the scam are said to have bilked morons out of up to $10 million since 2007, both via robocall and postcard. I don't know who to be angrier at: the fucksticks who made my cell phone ring every day while I was in the middle of coming or the stupid hunks of animal dung who encouraged the whole thing to continue by actually falling for it. Either way, it appears the authorities have at last realized what monumental pains in the ass these people are, and have at last elected to take action. If they're looking for any suggestions about punishment, I could throw out a few. Like pulling their asshairs out one by one, then peeling their skin off slowly and cooking the exposed flesh with a blowtorch. For starters.
Say What?
Did Iran really have a "robust debate" in the days leading up to the election? President Obama's comment has irked me. It was naive by my standards. I should know, I was considered an expert in foreign relations & diplomacy when I served for three years on my high school's Model United Nations.
Verbal Diarrhea
Megan Fox is the new Jessica Alba. Megan runs her mouth about everything. She’s on record complaining about her resemblance to Alan Alda, looking like a tranny and being too beautiful and sexy. Just shut it, Megan. I don’t want to hear your revelations, you brainless cow. Megan has not learned by Jessica’s example. If you are a marginal actress, no one cares what you think. Keep quiet and look pretty. You are capable of earning some major coin and may retain some mystique. Zip it. You lose your allure with every asinine comment and interview. You are paid to be beautiful. That's it, genius.Is He Just Pretending?
Sacha Baron Cohen really enjoys dressing up as Bruno, the gay character he plays in his upcoming movie. Really, really enjoys it. Almost enough to make one suspicious.
Hmmm...and then there was that whole bit with Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards. That was just for yuks? And Cohen's frolic with Ken Davitian in Borat. And that time I caught him humping George Michael in the bushes. And that other time I went over to Boy George's house and found Sacha handcuffed to a radiator with fresh bruises all over him. And that other time - I get around - when I went to take a leak and there was Sacha sprawled on the tiles getting well and truly fucked in the ass by John Mayer. It's enough to make a guy wonder.
Are These People Serious?
Supporters of Alaskan Fascist leader Sarah Palin are calling for TV host David Letterman to be fired in the wake of Letterman's off-color jokes about Palin's idiot daughter Bristol. The dumb shits, in true dumb shit fashion, have spawned a website, firedavidletterman.com, and are circulating an online petition.
"62 Year Old Letterman Violates Common Decency With Sexist Insults of 14 Year Old Girl," reads a headline on the firedavidletterman website. Yes, the asswipes still don't get that the joke was about Bristol and not Willow. Actually, the joke was about Eliot Spitzer...but never mind. The fuckers are too dumb to know the difference. And even if they did, they would continue twisting Letterman's words around for their own purposes. That's how these people operate. They know that all the facts of the real world are aligned against them and their fuckknob queen, so they distort and warp and fabricate. They are all delusional and seriously jacked up.
Kleptomaniac Lohan Strikes Again
London cops want a word with Lindsay Lohan after a jeweler complained the former actress absconded with around $50,000 worth of stuffed they loaned a magazine for her to wear during a photoshoot.
The unnamed magazine was reportedly contacted by the unnamed jeweler several weeks ago when the items in question were not returned as expected. The magazine swore they didn't know what happened to the stuff, and tried getting in touch with Lindsay to see if she had it. Lindsay, of course, failed to return their calls. Attempts by the jeweler to contact Lindsay also failed. That was when the authorities were brought in.
Lindsay of course has a long record of kleptomaniacal behavior, including an infamous incident where she stole a bunch of clothes belonging to an obscure fashion model. Those allegations came to nothing, as most allegations against Lohans do. Lohans are nothing if not slippery. But, you have to figure that, eventually, some of this shit is going to stick. The pokey beckons Lindsay like strangulation death did David Carradine.
Maybe Al Roker Should Moderate Presidential Debates From Now On
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
Forget about Brian Williams, Charlie Gibson, David Gregory and all those other allegedly hard-hitting journalists: Al Roker is the only guy with the cojones to really take on the big newsmakers of the day. He proved that on the Today Show this morning by totally frying Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Those two frauds thought they were going to sit there and get softballs lobbed at them, but instead, Big Al came at them like a freight train. And all Heidi and Spencer could do was stand there like a couple of winos frozen on the tracks.
It was such a horrible grilling that, afterward, Montag even suggested she felt physically threatened. "I was shocked at how rude he was - I was crying afterwards because I couldn't believe I felt personally attacked," the dumb bitch told that other dumb bitch Ryan Seacrest. "I wanted to say to him, do you feel proud of how you're talking to me right now? I'm just a young woman and you're coming at me so aggressively and meanly and mean-spirited. I really would advise women especially to be careful around him because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me and I did not appreciate that at all."
Oh please Heidi...the only things that need to feel threatened around Al Roker are pastries. If you're a bearclaw and you see Al coming, might as well kiss your tasty ass goodbye. What Al did to you was not abusive or in the least bit out-of-line, but was simply a matter of course. You and that douchebag husband of yours spend your lives spreading bullshit around; okay, so, now someone called you on your bullshit. It will happen from time-to-time. If you don't like it, then stay out of the fucking spotlight. Seriously bitch, if you can't handle a little hammering from Al Roker, what the hell can you handle?
Shit-Canned Dipshit Surfaces
"Talk to the foot! I mean liver! No, that's not right. Dang it I can never remember what you call the one with the little hot-doggy things."
Less Than Meets The Eye
The big buzzing fashion item of the day is Megan Fox wearing this thigh-baring number to the Berlin premiere of the new Transformers movie. Contrary to what you might be thinking, Megan does not play one of the robots in the movie. No matter what Megan does, she always comes off looking like a plastic tranny. No matter what she says, she always comes off sounding like the kind of person shampoo manufacturers had in mind when they decided to put instructions on the bottle.
Get A Life
This woman who drives herself around on a motorized scooter cause she has arthritis in her back is pissed because a St. Paul White Castle wouldn't sell her slyders when she took the scooter through their drive-thru in the middle of the night.
Realizing the company might have a PR problem on their hands, the White Castle district manager (there's a soul-crushing job if I ever heard of one) gave the woman free food, but the ticked-off cripple was having none of it. "You can try to butter me up all you want to," the indignant broad said. "Free meals ain't going to work. I want to make sure they don't discriminate against another person."
Yeah, it's all about making sure no one else has to suffer the same fate you did. Wrong. It's all about you and how bitter you are about having to drive yourself around on a electric scooter because you're a crippled bitch. Your general irritation at life for fucking you over finally found something specific to focus on. In fact, you couldn't possibly be happier than you are right now.
Has Nancy Grace, the queen of mock indignation, booked this woman yet?
This woman should be grateful that White Castle refused to sell her any of those grease packets they call hamburgers. Is there anything in the world more vile?
The Last Three Letters Of His Name Spell "Ass"
What kind of dickhead cracks on Facebook that a gorilla recently escaped from a South Carolina zoo must've been "one of Michelle Obama's ancestors?" The kind who works for the GOP and calls himself Rusty DePass.
This is why you have to love things like Facebook and Twitter. Reality provides enough opportunities for morons to say horrible, life-ruining things, but add those social networking places to the mix and you've got a veritable 24-hour-a-day simmering cauldron of inappropriateness sitting there just waiting to boil over. Memo to Rusty: other people can see what you post on the internet. Vanessa Hudgens learned that the hard way and now so have you. At least I hope you've learned. You are at least as smart as a Disney skank, right?
Can't Hack It
Susan Boyle has had to cancel a performance after once again complaining of being tired. Evidently Ms. Boyle finds performing incredibly draining; right after losing on Britain's Got Talent, she checked herself into the hospital for about a week to deal with exhaustion. Clearly, this woman cannot handle the grind. She should just pull the plug on her idiotic music career, return to her filthy, cat-piss-reeking apartment and resume her lonely, pathetic, spinster's life.
Hey, that sounds like Aniston.
Snappy Dresser
Dear Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: if you want to be taken seriously as a world leader, you're going to need to step it up in the clothing department. At least get yourself a clip-on. That look you went with in your victory speech - that look doesn't say "I'm the President of Iran," it says "I'm a math teacher enjoying my day off in the home improvement section of Barnes & Noble. Later I will hit the food court and get myself a bean burrito."
Actually, maybe it's appropriate that Mahmoud didn't go with the "I'm the President of Iran" look since, in fact, he isn't. Many people in Iran, at least, don't believe he is. Especially the young people who voted for somebody else because they're sick of living under a tyrannical regime that seems hell-bent on alienating every other responsible nation on Earth (Americans know the feeling after 8 years of George the Clueless). The anti-Mahmoud people over there believe the election was rigged, and they're spitting mad about it. And what could've tipped them off that there was something funny going on with the vote count? The fact that Mahmoud won by an unrealistic landslide margin, for one thing. But what really gave it away was when Katherine Harris was spotted getting into Ahmadinejad's armored Saab. They knew they were screwed then.
Of course there's nothing the protesters or anyone else can do about it: Ahmadinejad is the president, and they'll just have to learn to live with that. Unless they'd like to take matters into their own hands and blow the monkey-looking motherfucker into small pieces. If America had any clue, we'd have covert people over there right now helping them bring this about. We'd do a Salvador Allende job on him. Or even better: a Moe Green job. Shoot him through the eye while he's getting a massage. Unfortunately, America doesn't have that kind of finesse anymore. All we know how to do is roll tanks in, then stand around and wonder why everyone hates our guts. The only people we can deal with anymore are scared shitless, half-witted teenage pirates armed with rusty AKs. Anything more challenging than that and we're like Ashlee Simpson with a Rubik's cube. We don't even know where the fuck to start.
Yes Mariah, This Is Why We Hate You
This is Mariah Carey's luggage arriving with her at Heathrow Airport in London. The Daily Mail says that, all told, Mariah came with 23 suitcases...and this is only to stay for a few days. Imagine what would happen if she decided to stay a month. She would have to rent an entire gigantic ocean-going freighter.
This kind of self-indulgence is exactly why people despise Mariah Carey. Sadly, Mariah does not realize how much people loathe her. Like Michael Jackson, she labors under the belief that, because a few wretched souls show up when she arrives at airports to scream and yell and wave signs, everyone in the world just adores her. But, I assure you - the majority of humans who are aware of Mariah Carey want her to get cancer and die. Okay, maybe not get cancer and die. Just get cancer. A really painful kind that goes on for years and causes all your hair and teeth to fall out, and your voice to fail, and renders your body no longer able to digest anything but a vile paste made of rendered animal fat and peasant dung.
Move Over Madonna Bush Picture, Here Comes Demi Moore Bush Picture
Hey everybody who's been Googling "Demi Moore Bush Picture" at the behest of that TV idiot. Welcome to Crabbie's Hollywood. Look around a bit, see if there's something you like. Hope you enjoy your stay. Don't forget to bookmark me. Tell all your friends. Have a good weekend!
Work It, Girlfriend
Oh, the minx. She totally knew that camera was there. See how she carefully keeps her legs closed? Give 'em just enough to keep 'em coming back. You dudes all know you want to bury your face in those. Motorboat!
Live Long And Be Fabulous
How many heterosexual men do you know who dress like this? Exactly. None.
They need to work the gay angle into the next Star Trek movie. Have Spock and Sulu get it on. Why not? 90% of Star Trek fans are homos anyway.
Miley Goes Back For A Second Helping Of Jonas
Miley Cyrus has made a lot of changes in her life the last few days. First, she dumped Justin Gaston, the 21-year-old underwear model who was clearly using her for fame. Second, she got her nose pierced. Third, she jumped back on Nick Jonas.
"He's my best friend, and we still hang out all the time," Miley said on the newfangled radio. "We've definitely reconnected. We don't know what's going to happen in the future, but right now we're just kind of kicking it and hanging out as much as we can."
"Hanging out" is jailbait slang for fucking like wild animals while daddy tapes the whole thing through one-way glass. God, sometimes I even gross myself out.
I Love Kate Gosselin
The rising tide of Kate Gosselin hate was threatening to carry me away like Bobby Brown in the grips of a gigantic crack jones...then I saw this video of her fucking with her thirsty little kid, and laughed so hard I nearly developed anal fissures. Why the fuck does everyone despise this bitch so much? She rocks my world. I can even forgive her for that awful dead porcupine hair she insists on sporting. Ignore the haters Kate...you are bad-ass.
They Probably Said Something Bad About Her...In 1998
Angelina Jolie cheesed off Harper's Bazaar by refusing to participate in a big feature story they had planned on her. No photoshoot for the cover. No quotes for the piece. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. The magazine went ahead with the piece anyway, but had to use an old pap photo and throw together some rehashed bullshit in place of the new fawning article they would've run.
As far as I now, Angie has given no explanation for her refusal to cooperate with the magazine, but I can imagine she is holding a grudge against them for something they said about her, possibly even years ago. Angie seems to me like the kind of person who never forgets a snub. Well, frankly, that's the kind of person I am too. I burn with hatred for years, even decades after the fact. Just ask the chick who grabbed the last Easter egg in the Easter egg hunt, leaving my basket empty. It happened when I was five. I still routinely call the bitch in the middle of the night and tell her I'm going to break into her house and strangle her with piano wire.
Yes, I have a problem. Deal with it, fucko.
How Fucked Is The Republican Party?
On The Daily Beast, Christopher Buckley makes the case for Joe Scarborough as the man to lead the Republican party out of darkness:
There’s been a lot of talk lately among Republicans about the need to find a new face for our party. Rush Limbaugh’s and Dick Cheney’s are, let’s face it, a bit scary. John Boehner’s looks like it wants to sell you a used car. Mitch McConnell’s looks like that of the accountant who’s explaining to you why you can’t afford the car that Mr. Boehner is trying to get you to buy, no money down.Suggestion? How about a random retard hauled off a random short bus? Seriously dude, if you're looking for Joe Scarborough to lead you, you might as well just curl up and whimper yourself into the great beyond. This guy makes Bobby Jindal look like, well, William F. Buckley. Plus I'm not altogether convinced Scarborough is human. There's something naggingly ape-like about him. It's possible he may have started out human, but fell into some mad scientist's de-evolution machine at some point, and came out as something closer to Jon Voight.So we Republicans have a Face Gap with the Democrats, who—let’s face it—have the best one of all in Mr. Obama.
Well, I think I’ve found the new face of the Republican Party. It’s not a new one, entirely, and it’s been hiding out on national television every weekday morning from six to nine.
Joe Scarborough.
I say this because I have just read his new book, The Last Best Hope: Restoring Conservatism and America's Promise. It’s not a perfect book by any means. It’s a bit preachy here and there, a bit speechy here and there, a bit cutesy here and there, and occasionally repetitive. That said, it is a thoroughly honest book about the largely, if not entirely, self-inflicted wounds the Republicans have visited upon themselves over the last eight or more years. And his argument that we are heading to certain fiscal disaster is quite calmly and dispassionately made. Into the bargain, Joe Scarborough comes across as a profoundly likeable and reasonable man. Reagan Lite, you might even say. Could we do better? I’m open to suggestions.
Malawi Caves
The Malawian supreme court (snicker) has sided with Madonna, and reversed a lower court ruling blocking her from adopting anymore of the country's thousands of pitiful little orphans on the basis of her not having established residency in the country.
Residency schmesidency, said Chief Justice Lovemore Munlo. "In this global village a man can have more than one place at which he resides. The matter of residence should be determined at the time of application of the adoption. In this case, Madonna was in Malawi not by chance but by intention. She is looking after several orphans whose welfare depends on her. She can therefore not be described as a sojourner."
All that legalese makes my hair hurt. Here's one thing I do like though: the name "Lovemore Munlo." I had no idea "Lovemore" could be a first name. Now I am going to change my name to Lovemore Buttsex or perhaps Lovemore Oreos. The possibilities are endless.
As for Vadge...she may now kidnap adopt Malawian kids to her heart's content. Wonder how much she paid the supreme court to side with her. She probably just gave them all free hand-jobs. That's how Angelina made off with Pax.
S.E. Cupp Wants To Be The New Ann Coulter
I had never heard of S.E. Cupp before stumbling upon this David Letterman/Barack Obama takedown clip from Sean Hannity's abortion of a show. Now, having seen Ms. Cupp in action, I wish I could erase all knowledge of her from my mind. No, Ms. Cupp has not yet dyed her hair blonde or taken to flashing her tranny legs, but make no mistake...she dreams of being Ann Coulter. And if she continues making outrageous allegations in a smarmy, vaguely Valley Girlish voice while flipping her hair around like a bad Cher impersonator, she will succeed.
Nothin' Lil About Wayne
Rapper Lil Wayne is set to be a baby daddy twice this year, once by singer Nivea, and once by model Lauren London. Reports say Wayne has elected to marry Nivea, but plans to raise his baby with London as well. That's called taking responsibility.
Clearly, Wayne has game when it comes to knocking up hos, but nothing like the mad game this dude possesses.
It's Good To Be The Cloon
When you or I get pulled over by Italian cops on our Vespas, the best we can hope for is not to get a nightstick up our asses (without asking for it). When George Clooney gets pulled over by Italian cops on his Vespa...he poses for pictures with the cops and signs some autographs. And gets leads on some great local whores.
Call Her Chaz. Sorry, Him.
Chastity Bono has begun the process of transforming herself from a fat lesbian into a fat heterosexual male named Chaz.
"It is Chaz's hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his coming out did nearly 20 years ago," said a statement.
Wait a second. If Chaz was a man trapped inside a woman all along, then 20 years ago when "Chastity" revealed "she" liked to have sex with women...can that still be considered a "coming out?" A man telling everyone he likes vagina isn't exactly an earth-shaking revelation. Seems to me that "coming out" should be retroactively invalidated.
Now, if Chaz finishes getting his dick installed, and suddenly decides he'd rather fuck men - that would be coming out. It would also be deeply, deeply confusing.
How Do You Know When You've Had Too Much Work Done?
This is Michael Jackson's ear. You may note that it looks odd, like it's not all there. This is not an optical illusion. Apparently, plastic surgeons have been taking bits of Michael's ears for awhile, needing the cartilage to reconstruct his fucked-up nose. The end result: his nose is still a mess, and now his ears are too. I was going to say, "Let this be a lesson to anyone who's considering going down the cosmetic surgery road," but of course, that's like lecturing a teenager about not having sex. You have to fuck it up for yourself before you can know how fucked up it is. And by then it's too late.
He Should Be Glad He Had The Work
Bret Michaels is pissed off at the Tony Awards people, claiming they didn't bother checking up on him after he got bashed in the face by some of their scenery on Sunday, and suggesting, via his reps, that the awards were negligent in allowing the accident to happen. Nice try Bret, but nobody's buying it. We all saw the video; we all saw you bopping along in your brainless way, with this giant thing coming down on you, and you just flat-out weren't paying attention. It was entirely your fault for not knowing what the hell you were doing. I wish that piece of set had left you looking like that rich chick in the nasty Porsche wreck pics everyone's constantly Googling. I love your lips now though. They make you look like one of those heinous plastic bitches who are supposed to be so hot for you on your VH1 show.
Random Pop Culture Convergence
Sometimes a photographer goes for a snap of an infamous former White House intern and winds up hitting random pop culture convergence gold...when a well-known homosexual character actor, who hasn't done anything worth mentioning in years, happens to come by on his bicycle. Cosmic.
Straighties out there - is Monica in the "I'd hit that" category or is she too fat? I really don't think most of you are all that picky, frankly. I know you pretend to be, but, I've seen you and your women at the mall. Monica looks like an SI Swimsuit Edition cover girl compared to most of the beasts you're fucking.
Dipshit Claims Firing Was Politically Motivated
Carrie Prejean dismisses charges that she failed to live up to contractual obligations and cites politics as the real reason she was stripped of her Miss California title.
"They don't agree with the stance that I took [on gay marriage]," Prejean prattled. "Shanna [Moakler] is trying to bash me. They don't like me. From Day One they wanted me out, and they got what they wanted."
Prejean also claims that the pageant people wanted her to pose in Playboy and appear on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here, but she refused. Cause her Christian principles are real, unlike Heidi Montag's. Unfortunately, her boobs are just as fake as Montag's, which somewhat undermines her good-little-Godly-girl image. Of course, fake boobs are not actually forbidden by the Bible, so that makes it technically okay for her to have them. Sucking Donald Trump's dick might be a little harder to square with the Big Guy once Carrie's day comes around (hopefully, that day will come soon, and will involve large amounts of electricity passing painfully through her surgically-enhanced body).
Ha Ha On The Slutty Flight Attendant
Missed this the other night: David Letterman's Top 10 highlights of Sarah Palin's trip to New York. Why would he insult slutty flight attendants by comparing them to Palin?
Letterman also got under Palin's skin by cracking a joke about her having to fight off on Eliot Spitzer on behalf of her daughter. Sarah took this as a rape joke about one of her younger female progeny, but of course, everyone knows he meant Bristol, and there was nothing in the gag to suggest the sex wouldn't be consensual. Sarah needs to learn the difference between a rape gag and a "your daughter is a whore" gag.
Why Children Shouldn't Be Allowed To Speak
Grinning simpleton Demi Lovato has folks whispering that she is fucking Miley Cyrus's disgusting tatted-down brother Trace.
"Trace is really one of my good friends," Demi told Twist Magazine when asked about the rumors. "People don't realize that he is really, really cool. And he is one of my good friends. I think we get along really well because he's someone who I can really talk to about a lot of stuff. We've both been through a lot."
What the fuck have you both been through? A bad hair day? Daddy not letting you use the car after you failed to take out the trash? What the fuck major tragedies have any of these little brainless assholes ever suffered? And why do people persist in asking these imbeciles questions about anything? They're children. Children have nothing worthwhile to say about anything. They have no useful life experience. They have not lived long enough to develop wisdom. Most of them can't even put three words together coherently. Just being famous does not make you worth listening to.
Every day I die a little more inside.
LaBoof Doesn't Believe In Talent
LaBoof on what acting is really all about, via Us Magazine:
Actors live dependent on being validated by other people's opinions. I don't understand what it is I do that people want. I don't know what an actor does. I have no credentials. I don't know what I'm doing. To my mind, talent doesn't really exist. Talent is like a card player's luck. It is motivation, ambition, and luck. It's just a drive to be the best. I think acting is a con game.
Sorry Shia, but you are dead wrong. If talent doesn't exist, and motivation and luck and ambition are the only real things, then why doesn't Arnold Schwarzenegger have ten Oscars? Arnold made it in movies on ambition and drive and good breaks, but there's still something out there that separates a mere determined hoofer and/or lucky sod from someone with real talent (who may or may not succeed on the basis of said talent). Your insistence that it's all a "con game" sounds like affected cynicism, which is what I'd expect from someone who desperately wants to be thought cool. Ain't working.
Dewigged
So that's what Phil Spector looks like without one of his daffy wigs on. Now I know why he wore them. Even the Unabomber is creeped out by this dude.
Oy Vey.
Tel Aviv - One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. A woman only identified by her first name, Anat, replaced her elderly mother's mattress this week. Her mother nearly fainted when she learned her daughter had sent her old mattress to the dump. The old mattress was stuffed with nearly $1 million cash. Anat has searched through tons of garbage since Monday and is unable to locate her mother's mattress or the cash. Treasure hunters are already circling the dumps like vultures.Dipshit Shit-Canned
Miss Universe has done a 180 on Miss California Carrie Prejean, electing to fire her just a month after Donald Trump told her she could keep her job despite lying about her topless photo escapades.
"This was a business decision, based solely on contract violations," said a representative for K2 productions, the company that's contracted to handle Miss Universe. "After our press conference in New York we had hoped we would be able to forge a better working relationship. However, since that time it has become abundantly clear that Carrie has no desire to fulfill her obligations under our contract and work together."
Donald Trump issued his own statement in which he supported K2's decision. That leaves poor little Carrie out in the cold, lacking a platform from which to spread her hateful, homophobic bullshit. Until FOX News hires her as a full-time anchor, which I expect to happen any day now. Well, why not? She's no less vapid and inhuman than Sean Hannity. And think of the ratings she could get, especially if she flashed her fake tits once a night.
Unfortunate Condition
Fergie's tapeworm escaped from her body, coiled its way around her, and began eating her dress. It found the dress more nourishing than whatever was in Fergie's gut. Actually, I'm just joking - Fergie never had a tapeworm. Disgusting parasites normally contracted in shitty places like Bangladesh and Shreveport can't live where the toxicity levels are so high. Fergie's urine has been known to melt lead.
If A Someone Pulls A Publicity Stunt And No One Gives A Shit, Does It Make A Sound?
Musician Max Drummey has admitted that his quickie Vegas wedding to Peaches Geldof was nothing but a publicity stunt, one he claims worked wonders for his band Chester French.
"It was totally a publicity stunt. 100 per cent," the guitarist said. "I have her [Peaches] on retainer. Not as my PR, as my friend. On my personal payroll. She's my friend for money. She also orchestrates publicity stunts for me."
So it's like in school when I used to give kids candy and blow-jobs so they'd hang out with me? No, it's nothing like that. It's infinitely more pathetic. Because at least I was just a child who knew no better. Max Drummey...
Yeah, you're right, it's just about the same thing. Sad that, despite this wildly successful publicity stunt, I still had never heard of Chester French until reading this story. And if Peaches thinks she's some kind of media manipulating wiz-kid...guess again. Britney Spears pulled that same one long ago, and she's dumber than a squashed grape.
Fuck The Police
This is dashcam video of a Texas police officer tasering a 72-year-old woman during a traffic stop. And what did this elderly lady do to deserve getting hit with a taser? Did she pull a gun on the guy? Did she somehow threaten him? Um...no. According to reports, all she did was refuse to sign the speeding ticket she'd been given, then mouth off to the cop. So he zapped her. It's times like this that I begin sympathizing with Ice T.
Of course, it would have to be a Texas cop. Evidently, most police officers in Texas have unusually small penises. And their brains, you can't even find.
Is That Worth A Million Bucks?
This is "Etappe," by the artist Neo Rauch. If you want to see this painting in the flesh now, you will have to visit Brad Pitt, because he bought it for $956,000. It is allegedly a depiction of an auto-race. I guess that red thing is a car, but why are those other two dudes pulling a rainbow out of it? I don't know much about cars, but I do know that if you open them, you will not find anything Judy Garland wanted to get over. You will instead find a whole jumble of incomprehensible components, any one of which could fail at any time, leaving you stranded by the side of a country highway with no one to save you but a stocky dude in bib overalls who keeps looking at your crotch and humming. I think Brad may have gotten took, but then again, I know nothing about art.
Freak In Jeans
Memo to Melanie Griffith: This sort of look does not make people think, "Wow, look at that hot, young chick over there." It makes people think, "How psychotic do you have to get before you think having a monkey's face is sexy?" It makes them think, "No old lady, seeing your ass-crack does not make me want to fuck you. It makes me wish I had been born a member of a freakish inbred cave-race who lost their skin pigmentation and, more importantly, their eyes." It makes them think, "Antonio Banderas looks at that every morning without vomiting up his Cap'n Crunch?" It makes them think, "Oh dear, look at that poor unfortunate wretch who obviously lost her face in a horrible blowtorch accident. There but for the grace of God...is that Melanie Griffith?"
Jon And Kate Plus Booze-Fueled Adulterous Sex
The new issue of Us reveals that, while Kate Gosselin was at home celebrating her 34th birthday on March 28th of this year, her husband Jon was in Park City, Utah getting drunk and crazy with his 23-year-old school teacher fuck buddy Deanna Hummel.
The rag says Jon, who was in Park City for some kind of festival, began his day throwing back free brewskis with Deanna, who he allegedly first met in Pennsylvania some time ago, and wound up the night smoking pot with her and her friends at a bar owned by Danny and Chris Masterson. Finally, someone has dragged the Masterson brothers into the Gosselin affair.
When reached for comment, Kate Gosselin shot fire out of her twat, which burned off the faces of everyone within a twenty mile radius. Jon escaped harm, being far away at the time, having wild sex with much younger women.
9 1/2 Weeks Was A Long Time Ago
The first picture of Mickey Rourke as bad guy Whiplash in Iron Man 2. Watching former wash-outs Rourke and Robert Downey, Jr. have at it in this movie should be amusing. Unfortunately, in order to enjoy this clash of the erstwhile junkie titans, we will have to endure both Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson. What, Maggie Gyllenhaal wasn't available?
Not So GaGa
Lady GaGa was caught on the beach without make-up or crazy hair or crazy clothes, or any of the other stuff she uses to cover up the fact that she is a fat, ugly no-talent. This is the most shocking unmasking since Marlene Dietrich at the end of Witness for the Prosecution. Yes I realize I just gave away the ending of Witness for the Prosecution, but you weren't ever going to watch it anyway.
I personally am still mystified by the whole Lady GaGa phenomenon. It seems people are so desperate for a new Madonna that they'll hand that crown to just about anyone. The old Madonna is offended at being replaced, and will express her displeasure by twisting your head off with her bare hands.
Michelle's First Fail
Our usually fashion forward First Lady chose this outfit for sightseeing in the UK. The only explanation I can come up with is that Sasha and Malia must have used a glue gun to craft the tunic out of ribbon and faux flowers. Only a mother's love could make someone wear this unflattering apron. Michelle added the plastic belt to the ensemble, that is a repeat offender from her wardrobe. Two cardigans, really???
The Dumbest Jessica
Jessica Alba is taking heat after participating in a dorky stunt related to her advocacy for, of all things, sharks. According to reports, Alba was one of a group of troublemaking asswads who ran around Oklahoma City this weekend plastering public spaces - including a donated United Way billboard - with pictures of predatory fish, all the while taking pictures of their idiot, self-satisfied selves, and then of course posting them on the internet, just in case no witnesses got a good look at them.
I suppose there are people out there who would give Alba points for engaging in such allegedly subversive behavior, and I might agree with them, if only the whole thing didn't reek of pointlessness, and if only Alba hadn't backtracked so quickly, releasing the following statement within four seconds of the first hint of a backlash:
I got involved in something I should have had no part of. I realize that I should have used better judgment and I regret not thinking things through before I made a spontaneous and ill-advised decision to let myself get involved with the people behind this campaign. I sincerely apologize to the citizens of Oklahoma City and to the United Way for my involvement in this incident.
So not only is Jessica an idiot, but she's also a sniveling little twat who sells out her alleged friends, calling her association with them "ill-advised," almost faster than her publicist could hammer out the apology. A moron and a coward, that's Jessica Alba.
Thanks For Warning Us Jon
Jon Voight is on a crusade to stop Barack Obama from...I'm not sure quite what. Ruining America? Spreading socialism? Having sex with white women? Obviously, not everyone in that family is as fond of brown people as Angelina. But it's easy to see where she gets the crazy from. Voight has gone entirely off the rails; he makes Dennis Miller seem calm and reasonable.
I'm not entirely certain where Jon is going with his "false prophet" characterization of Obama. Does anyone really think of him as a prophet? He's using the kind of language that goes over well with other religious imbeciles, I guess. Jeez, this is what the right wing has going for it. Jon Voight. Rush Limbaugh. Glenn Beck. Sarah Palin. That dude from Growing Pains who thinks the second coming is right around the corner. That homophobe Miss California. Brain wizards.
Awkward Phase
Miley Cyrus is at an awkward point in her life right now. Part of her is still the innocent little girl with the pigtails and the dolls and the little plastic tea-set, and the other part is a shameless streetwalker. The shameless streetwalker part is winning. By a landslide.
Leo Will Be Dipping Back Into The Vapid Twat Pool
Leonardo DiCaprio has broken up with his swimsuit model girlfriend Bar Rafaeli, according to People. "They're taking time off for the time being, they've split," a source said. "It could just end up as a break but for now they're doing their own thing."
Where oh where will Leo ever find another girl as great as Bar? She was perfect for him. She never made a peep, her hair was always shiny and, no matter how far he threw the stick, she would always run and get it.
Little Rebel
Frances Bean doesn't get along with her mom Courtney Love. A witness recently reported to Gawker about an unpleasant exchange the only (known) child of Kurt Cobain had with Courtney at a certain famous Hollywood hotel:
Courtney Love and Francis Bean duking it out in a verbal battle outside their room at the Chateau Marmont. Francis wants her own hotel room. Who can blame her?
Evidently, despite having genes inherited from two of the daffiest fuckers in history, Frances has miraculously turned out sane. And how does a sane person rebel against their insane mother? By acting normal.
A typical night at the Love household:
Courtney: You're not going out like that young lady. You march right back upstairs and put on some different pants.
Frances: But mom...
Courtney: No buts young lady. Get your butt up there and change. No daughter of mine goes outside without any crack showing. And where the hell are your track marks? I gave you some perfectly nice needles for your birthday and you don't even use them.
Frances: This sucks.
Courtney: You'll learn to appreciate me one day, young lady. God damn ungrateful little bitch. I didn't bring you into this world so you could not dress like a whore, smoke crack and disappear for weeks at a time! If I ever catch you studying or washing your hair again I will whip your little ass!
You Can Get On With Your Life Now
Adam Lambert has admitted that he likes dick, is not so high on vagina. He made his announcement in Rolling Stone magazine - which says more about Rolling Stone than it does about him, quite frankly. Adam boasts that he's "proud of his sexuality," which is more than I really ever wanted to know about him. He could've stayed in the closet forever for all I care. Gay or not, he wasn't good enough to beat Kris Allen in a singing contest, and Kris Allen fucking sucks, so what does that say? Get all these American Idol meatheads out of my face.
When Will This Ho Learn How To Dress?
Is that camo or quasi-camo or faux-camo or pseudo-camo? Whatever it is, it's basically camo. Memo to Beyonce: even Ted Nugent thinks camo is hideous. There are no fucking rhino or moose in Harvey Nichols. Unless Kirstie Alley happens to be shopping there, and she's only dangerous when her blood sugar spikes.
Put That One On The Christmas Card
A rare happy, peaceful moment for the Arquettes. Obviously, Aniston was not around that day. The kid actually starts twitching every time she hears Aniston's voice. David has built himself a special soundproofed room above the garage where he goes to cry. Courteney has begun quietly shopping for a new house...in Zambia.
That's My Girl
Robert Pattinson may have designs on his Twilight co-star, the Queen of Awesome Kristen Stewart, but K-Stew absolutely wants no part of that birds-nest-haired Carradine-scale freak-job Pattinson.
"She loves Robert as a friend, and of course she thinks he’s really hot," a friend chirped to the National Enquirer.
"She says as an actress, it helps process along that he’s interested in her — it makes it easier for them to build the onscreen chemistry that draws people into their story for the film.
"Kristen just sloughs off any talk of the two of them hooking up. She turns red and says, 'I’m so NOT going there!'"
So, basically, she's stringing Pattinson along, making him think he might have a shot, and it's all for her art. That's K-Stew's level of commitment - she's willing to toy with the feelings of someone she calls a friend just to make her acting more convincing.K-Stew rules, Pattinson drools. I'm getting some glittery pink stickers and spelling that out on my laptop.
Portrait Of An Injected Lady
Nicole Kidman fixed that bizarre, frizzy witch-hair thing she had going, but alas, her face still looks fucked up. The shit in her lips appears to have migrated to her cheeks. She could play Dizzy Gillespie now and no one would think it was the least bit odd.
It's Too Easy
They make my job too easy. Like shooting sperm into a petri dish.
In Deep Kimchi
In all sincerity, let's hope our State Department brings these journalists home from North Korea. Euna Lee and Laura Ling (pictured above) have been sentenced to 12 years hard labor. If you aren't familiar with the story, you can read about it here. I have my fingers crossed they will be deported home.
This story has caused me to relive the horror of my own Korean nightmare. The incident occurred on an international flight I took years ago. Unwittingly, I collected my luggage from the baggage claim area, ignorant to the anguish ahead. My bags were SATURATED with kimchi juice because a fellow passenger decided to transport vast amounts of kimchi on our flight. The containers broke. The stench was putrid. My poor car never recovered from that fateful ride home from the airport. (Kind of like that Seinfeld episode with the body odor stench in Jerry's Saab.) Those were dark days. If you can't relate or appreciate the intense assault on my senses, then you have never met kimchi.
One thing is certain, you will never catch me in North Korea. There are one too many detractors to risk traveling to that corner of hell.
The Proposal
London's Burning
Lindsay Lohan got sick of running around L.A. pretending to be sober, so she moved her act to London, which has been suffering a huge out-of-control one-time performer shortage ever since Amy Winehouse packed up for St. Lucia. Actually, Lindsay is in London because