All Things Must Pass...

...including this blog.

Peace.

Jake Gyllenhaal Kicks Pap

Did Jake Gyllenhaal need to kick this annoying pap or could he have gone about his business without resorting to physical assault? You just let them win when you do that stuff Jake.

Pumpkinheaded Dumb-Ass Sued

Amanda Bynes is being sued along with several other motorists who were involved in a multi-car accident at an intersection in Beverly Hills two years ago. Bynes apparently can't drive for shit: Just last August she was involved in a second wreck in which the other driver was injured. Maybe Amanda has trouble holding up her massive head and therefore doesn't see the cars in front of her?

Spot The Emaciated Freak

I love Lagerfeld's tie. That fucker is wide. Actually, is that really a tie or did he accidentally tuck a tablecloth into his collar and get up? I wish he'd slap that bitch Knightley right in the face. "And that's for that endless snoozefest The Duchess. And that's for those hideous Alba-bangs. And that's for stabbing me in the face with your cheekbone when we were air-kissing. Bitchbitchbitchbitch. Oh, Renfield, bring me a bag of O-negative. I'm feeling sluggish."

Toasted Angie

"Hey look...I found your Benjamin button. Heeeeeee."

Oh, Funny

Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto took advantage of her close encounter with Angelina Jolie at the SAG Awards to solicit advice from the world-wide media-whore on how to handle fame. "She was really wonderful to talk to and very supportive of newcomers," Pinto said of her brush with imagined greatness. "She was just like, 'Embrace it. Enjoy it and keep it real. Don’t get affected by all this. Enjoy every moment.'" Angie telling someone else to keep it real and not get affected? Oh fuck me. That's like Rosie O'Donnell telling someone to mix in a salad. Freida Freida. You didn't listen to her right? Good. Listen to me instead. Dearie: Lose the SAG Awards swag-bag. Bad form to still be carrying that. Makes you look...poor.

Sure Joaquin

Joaquin Phoenix denies that his switch from middling acting to bad rapping is all part of some hoaxy multi-media art project experiment thingamabob, but insists he really means to become a musician. "The transition from one career to another is never seamless," said Joaquin's rep. "It should come as no surprise to anyone that Joaquin came from a musical family, in addition to winning a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Johnny Cash. He intends on exploring his musical interests despite speculative, negative or positive reactions." Did that rep really point to him winning a Golden Globe for pretending to be a singer as evidence of his musical credibility? It just has to be a bit. Joaquin the meta-performer. It's tiresome already, the whole does-he-mean-it-or-not schtick. It's like Andy Kaufman without the wrestling trunks.

The Perils Of Piggyback

"That isn't warmth I feel trickling down my neck is it? I knew I shouldn't have let you get a large."

What's In The Box Whatsyername?

Julianne Moore boxes her career up and carries it back to storage. She likes to take it out sometimes and remember...

Oh Elmo, You Lucky...Um...Whatever You Are

Queen Latifah: "You're totally giving it to Elmo in the ass aren't you?"

John Mayer: "Shut up."

Queen Latifah: "Holy crap you are."

John Mayer: "Shut up or I'll tell Oscar the Grouch you're a lesbian."

Queen Latifah: "Stop it or I'll tell Big Bird you're cheating on him."

John Mayer: "Big Bird is a him?"

Sure, It Was On-Purpose. Just Like Shiloh.

Angelina Jolie wore her Max Azria gown backward when she went to the SAG Awards, garnering whispers from the four faggots who realized what she'd done. Her rep has come out to explain that she wasn't drunk (on power) or high (on self-satisfaction) but wore the dress that way on purpose, to make it "more blouson" In other words, she didn't know which way the dress was supposed to go on, but she's too far up her own ass to just cop to it, so she made up a new word and tossed it to the peasants who will now be more in awe of her and her blousonness than ever. Fantastic. Next time I walk out the door with my shoes on the wrong feet, I'm gonna say it's cause I wanted them to be more "poderatious." Suck it bitches.

I Am The God...Of Kid-Kickers

Kicking your kid in the face is bad enough...but standing there celebrating over it? That's just fucking evil. We need a way-late-term abortion carried out on this kangaroo-humping piece of shit.

Tom Cruise No Doubt Objects

I like shit-sculpture as much as the next person but, damn, I ain't never walked up and kissed one. That's just gross Brooke.

Skank O' The Moment

AnnaLynne McCord is the "It" skank for this month, judging by the number of pictures I've seen of her on places like Just Jared. Shenae Grimes, we hardly knew ye.

Evil Dog Endangerer

All I can say is: Wow. Matthew McConaughey sure isn't very concerned about the health and well-being of his dog. I hope to shit he doesn't play in the street like that with his son. That's fucking Malibu, man. Mel Gibson lives around there...and he ain't exactly responsible behind the wheel, you know?

Guy's Father No Madonna Fan

Guy Ritchie's father has nothing but kind words for his son's ex-wife Madonna. Actually, no...Guy's old man can't stand the bitch, and is tickled that she is no longer part of her son's life. "Guy is better off [without her]," snarled the elder Ritchie. "He's in the States with the children at the moment. She's been here with a chap, a friend of hers. We hope she does have a lot of boyfriends because it means she won't ever get back together with Guy!" Old fart is just bitter he never got to take a shot at her.

Diane Sawyer Drunk Video

I'm sure Diane Sawyer isn't really drunk in this video from the day after the inauguration. She probably went to the dentist or gave blood or something. Or maybe her mouth was numb from all the celebratory blow-jobs she gave. Those liberal media types love them some Barack.

Don't Get Our Hopes Up...

Pete Wentz has grown so tired of media scrutiny that he sometimes thinks of packing up his woman and his kid and leaving the spotlight behind. "Sometimes I think Ashlee and I should do Newlyweds 2, take that fuck-you money and move to an island somewhere. Just disappear," said Wentz. But of course he'll never do it because he's a media-whore just like his buddy John Mayer. Even if he did move to an island (don't bring Jessica or her fat ass will sink the boat), he'd probably have cameras set up all over the place so he could stream video and pictures of himself back to Harvey Levin at TMZ. Harvey loves Pete's pictures. Especially the ones where Pete and Mayer are sucking each other off. You don't think they exist?

Russell Crowe Kicks His Son In The Face

I can't imagine what Russell Crowe's child could've done to provoke this vicious assault. Called him a pasty-white fat-ass? Made some crack about phone-chucking? Pointed out how bad he sucked in that over-rated turd-pile A Beautiful Mind? Actually, it doesn't matter - nothing could justify this level of violence. The man should be tazed until he's quivering on the ground like Andy Dick at the end of a four week bender and hauled to a Turkish prison where some crazy fucker spends the next several years removing every hair from his body one-at-a-time. Just outrageous.

Told Ya

Inside sources are spilling the beans about the truth behind Joaquin Phoenix's big career change from acting to music. Basically, the whole thing is a joke (as I believe I told everyone from almost the very start). "It's a put-on," revealed a Phoenix insider. "[Phoenix said] 'I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey [Affleck] is going to film it.'" Like I said before, Joaquin is clearly bored with M. Night Shyamalan movies and crappy things about firefighters and is looking for something a little more interesting, a little more hip and meta. I'm certain this whole thing will be a reality show or a documentary and Joaquin will go around explaining the whole thing and making everyone think he's really clever and deep. Of course, there's always the chance Joaquin will become so immersed in the "character" he's playing that he won't be able to get back out of it, and will actually begin believing he is Joaquin the bad rapper and not Joaquin the bored actor. That's when the lobodomist steps in.

Scaring The Children

Maggie Gyllenhaal has hooked up with Fisher Price to launch a new line of eco-friendly baby gear, plus she showed up at some big event to present a $250,000 check on behalf of the toy manufacturer to some conservation society. Great. She supports children and the environment. And she's also against cancer and rape, I'm guessing. Wow. She cares. So much. About good things. Unfortunately, all the little kids at the Fisher Price deal are now going to have nightmares after being exposed to Maggie's pug-nosed, jowly hideousness. And I say this shit has to stop. No more Maggie's face in public. Put a bag over the bitch. Hell no, we won't go...wherever Maggie is until she stops inflicting her ugliness on us.

I would like to officially declare myself the Martin Luther King of the anti-Maggie Gyllenhaal's Face movement. I have a dream: That one day, no child will have to lie awake at night sweating and pissing their pants because they can't get the image of Maggie's mutant mush out of their little tortured minds. No justice, no peace.

Don't You Dare Call Her Dumb

Jessica Alba is spittin' mad after being called "dumb" by right-wing nutcase TV host Bill O'Reilly. Dumb? You Jessica? Whatever could've given anyone that impression? Actually, the whole fracas derives from an incident during Obama's inauguration orgy where Alba, acting as some kind of amateur journalist, appeared to confuse Switzerland with Sweden while conducting an interview. O'Reilly seized on this gaffe as an opportunity to call Alba's intelligence into question, and now Alba has shot back with a blog post in which she employs big words like "salient" and basically attacks O'Reilly for being frivolous. My take: Watching Bill O'Reilly and Jessica Alba call each other stupid back and forth is a little like watching Rosie O'Donnell and Tom Arnold trade fat jokes. If we could only get that self-important cock Keith Olbermann involved...well, then we'd have an idiot menage a trois.

You Miss The Point, Ro

Rosie O'Donnell has decided to quit blogging because it stopped "giving her joy." Shit...then I should've stopped about five minutes after I started. No, I'm kidding - I love this. What a wonderful outlet for my anger and frustration at life. I hate everything. Especially Rosie O'Donnell, the fat, stupid cow.

She Likes Them Older And Freakier

Evan Rachel Wood was seen making out with The Wrestler co-star Mickey Rourke at a SAG Awards after-party Sunday according to FoxNews. Evidently, Evan's little relationship with Marilyn Manson left her with a jones for a real man. So she picked Mickey. Who I guess qualifies as a real man if you leave out his face, which is decidedly not real. I give Evan points for originality at least: Most little starlets go for the same dudes, Josh Hartnett and Ryan Phillippe and that whole gang, but Evan, she likes sniffing around the freak-jobs. When she's done with Mickey she'll probably go find herself a one-armed carnie or maybe go lesbo for Jocelyn Wildenstein.

It Worked For Lohan...

If Mischa Barton thinks she can make herself relevant by going lesbo...sorry honey, but forget it. Nothing could ever make you relevant. Besides, it's pretty obvious by the closed-mouth kiss that you ain't into chicks. It's dick all the way for you.

Sports Isn't Gay

This is just flirting...you should've seen what went down in the showers. Sorry manly men, but sports is gayer than hell.

Male Bonding

With divorce comes the inevitable competition to make the kids love you more than they do the ex-spouse. Guy Ritchie knows how to play this game well. "Bet you don't do fun stuff like this with your mom do you Rocco?" Um, no dad...mom makes them go to Kabbalah meetings and questions them endlessly about how she looks. "You don't think my arms are too veiny do you Rocco?" Of course they're going to end up preferring you. In fact, I doubt you even need to try that hard.

Orange You Glad You're Free Now Chelsy

Chelsy Davy was so traumatized by her break-up with Prince Harry that she dyed her face orange. I actually don't blame her. It probably is pretty shocking to discover your boyfriend prefers monkey-piles with his mates from the tank brigade to being with you. Plus, you know, now no one is going to care about her. Fame is fleeting Chels. And, thankfully, so are bad fake tans.

They Live

So much for those rumors about the twins being dead or on the verge of death with some horrible disease: Brad and Angie carried them right out in front of cameras in Japan and now we can all see they're fine. Though they both look a little spooked. And the bit with Brad putting a matching hat on little Knox: Lame as fuck. What, no little matching pornstache too?

Easy Access

Brad feels the same way I do about the whole zipping the fly thing: It's oppressive. My stuff needs air, man. It needs to breathe. It needs ventilation. You know in the '60s when all the ladies started burning their bras? Well, men should start tearing the flies out of their jeans and burning them. Fight the power, Bradley.

(thanks nycguy wy)

Mini Me, Maxi Her

"So here's the deal: I swallow the drugs, then you swallow me, then we roll right through customs. Then you pass me through your colon. I'll need to bring a gas-mask and a flashlight. Also a magazine for if I get bored."

For Those Who've Been Dreaming Of A Miley Cyrus Wardrobe Malfunction...

Miley Cyrus had a little dress issue while shooting some video or commercial for lawn tractors or whatever the fuck and her boob came out and someone got a grainy picture of it. The uncensored version is now the holy grail of Miley pictures for those who should be locked up in secure facilities and subjected to electro-shock.

When In Rome...

Joan Rivers took a charity tour of China recently (does anyone really need help that bad?), and scarfed down some meat of unknown origin that she now believes was canine. Joan explains:

You say to them, "Is this dog? Just tell me," and they say, "No, no, no..." [but] I know I ate dog. I love dogs; I have three rescue dogs - you hate to eat what you love."



Actually, I love to eat what I love, but that's not really what you're talking about is it Joan? Eh...who gives a shit anyway. It was probably one of those jerky dogs. Hmm, dog jerky. Sounds tasty.

Ireland Baldwin, Thoughtless Pig

Alec Baldwin took his daughter Ireland to the SAG Awards. Speaking of putting lipstick on a pig. A thoughtless little pig. But enough about Alec...

Jessica Simpson Boards The Fat Train To Fatville

Guess the butt.


That's why Jessica's so sad...cause she's got a blubber-butt. And Tony Romo just dumped her for a cheerleader. She'll be spending the next month on Pete and Ashlee's couch shoving assorted cream-filled confections down her maw and not bothering to get up to shit. Sad stupid wretch.

Has Her Own Money...Check. Two Legs...Check.

Paul McCartney had a look at girlfriend Nancy Shevell's finances, counted up her limbs and decided she is worth marrying. Dude just likes being married I guess. Plus he probably figures he won't live long enough for this one to rob him like that last one did. Clock's ticking on the cute one.

Just Stay Home

These guys know good and well they're not going to win anything this year, yet they insist on dragging their sour-looking selves out to every awards presentation, apparently laboring under the belief that we would miss them were they to do otherwise. Wrong. We wouldn't. We're sick of them. Especially her. Memo to Angelina: Next time choose a dress that doesn't seem to accentuate the spindliness of your arms. You look like the old, dead, gnarled tree that used to scare the bejeebers out of me when I was a kid. Why my mother wouldn't just put a curtain up in that window is beyond me.

It's Not Her

Sure, that was the real Katie Holmes at the SAG Awards last night. And I'm Jake Gyllenhaal's bike seat.

Please, No More, I'm Begging You

Chinzilla got tired of icking us out with her face and now wants to ick us out with her words. She's off to a good start with this statement about her teenage crush on Ashton Kutcher, the man who would become her stepfather:

Ash was a heart-throb, to me. I had pictures of him on my wall at boarding school and I remember my mom saying that her new “friend” Ashton was going to come and hang out with us. And I said, “Whoa, wait – Ashton Kutcher?” I kind of freaked out a little bit. I definitely blushed.

Imagine Rumer blushing. Everything going red. That whole...thing. Like a big old red potato. Hee.

I Want Those Boots

David Banda is rocking some killer footwear here. It would've taken his entire native village fifteen generations to save up enough coin to buy a pair of those, and they would've just ended up being eaten by a crocodile or something (so the people would know the futility of materialism). Madonna's gods don't believe in punishing people for vanity or avarice...actually, they reward it. Isn't David lucky to now live in such a wonderful place?

Child-Killer Hit By Extortionists

Three creeps were arrested in the Bahamas for allegedly trying to hatch an extortion plot against John Travolta. Details are sketchy but it appears the plan revolved around Travolta's recently-deceased son Jett, as one of the schemers was a paramedic who attended to Jett at the scene of his untimely demise. I'm guessing these creeps threatened to come forward with info that might be damaging to Travolta who has been bombarded with accusations of not taking good care of his son who was thought to be autistic (though the Scientologist Travoltas denied it). What does John have to hide? These people obviously thought there was something.

Gwyneth Paltrow Has Pretentious Friends

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks we care what her friends' favorite books are and has posted their lists on GOOP. I think you can already guess what's on there. No Danielle Steele. Lots of high-falutin' shit of the sort no one actually reads but they pretend to so people will be impressed by them. The Poisonwood Bible? Fuck you and fuck Barbara Kingsolver that commie bitch. When I see that thing at a garage sale I buy it just so I can piss on it. Madonna's faves are on there too: One of them is The Bad Girl by Mario Vargas Llosa. Cause Madonna's such a bad girl, you know. Gosh I'm so jealous I can't be a literate, worldly woman who is friends with Gwyneth Paltrow. She probably makes little sandwiches out of the parts of fish you're not meant to eat and then everyone sits around discussing books and waiting for someone to go to the bathroom so they can talk shit about them behind their back. "Her ass is getting huuuuuuuge."

It's Okay, I Know He's Only Pretending

It doesn't bother me that Emile Hirsch is going around with this ugly woman. I know he's only pretending to be straight for the sake of his career. My dream has not died. I bet they get mistaken for lesbians a lot.

No Rehab For Dumb

Kelly Osbourne has checked into rehab just days after getting hauled to jail for allegedly punching some bitch in the face back in August. Sharon Osbourne, never one to let a publicity chance go by, has already begun the tearful wailing and blubbering on Kelly's behalf, saying:

This is one of the absolute worst things that a parent can face, for their child to go through rehab. And not once, but twice.

We just pray that everything's going to be okay.

But of course you bear no responsibility for that. The environment you chose of your own free will to bring your children up in and the values you chose to instill in them again without anyone twisting your arm were no factor in turning dear little Kelly into a trainwreck only one notch removed from full-on Geldofism. Fuck off and die Sharon you useless waste of organs.

He's No Mayer

Shia LaBeouf tries to jump on the pap-tweaking bandwagon where John Mayer and Pete Wentz have long held court. Sorry Shia, but you're gonna have to do better than that. A little creativity at least would be nice. Get a Sharpie and draw some funny eyebrows or a porny Brad Pitt moustache. Give us something.

Uh, Stewardess...

...more peanuts please. And a pillow if you don't mind. And oh, I think this woman sitting beside me may have expired over Memphis. Could you hold a mirror under her nose or something? Hey, if she is dead, do I get some kind of refund?

Like J-Lo And Marc Anthony Only No One Cares

For some reason I thought Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker had split up. But here they are together at some function all dressed fancy and sort of touching each other. Maybe they're just giving it one more try. Maybe they're actually robots with little monkeys living inside and someone swapped out the bad monkeys for good monkeys and now everything's cool.

F**k Off

I can't stand the sight of these two anymore...their smug faces and Brad's little pretentious moustache and Jolie's big catfish lips. Dear Brad: Is that a tie or is your neck vomiting?

He Might Wanna Hurry It Up

Patrick Swayze plans on writing a memoir. He better keep it short, or type really fast. I'm sure I don't need to tell him that.

Balance

Brad and Angie both got Oscar nominations, he for Benjamin Buttlick and she for Changeling. And so the balance of the universe is maintained. And will continue to be maintained after Oscar night when Brad still has no Oscars and Angie has one. Angie has decreed that she shall always have more Oscars than Brad. Still waiting for Aniston to get nominated. Gonna be waiting awhile.

D.L. Hughley Can Suck It

Sharon Stone was scheduled to appear with Larry King on inauguration night, then someone told her Larry had to leave and D.L. Hughley was going to host their segment instead. So what did Sharon do? Threw a hissy and said she wouldn't do the show. And I don't blame her either. She's Sharon freaking Stone - she doesn't do back-up hosts. If they wanna throw D.L. Hughley in there instead of Larry King, then they can get Geena Davis or Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio or some other washed-up '80s actress. Sharon's the greatest.

Is That A Gorilla There In The Mist?

Sigourney Weaver must've been feeling neglected, so she decided to flash her undies while sitting with the hags on The View. I'm not sure what this gets her besides a lot of heckling from assholes like me (and people thanking God Sigourney remembered to put on her underwear). Maybe 2009 is the year of living dangerously for Sigourney. Maybe she saw Lindsay Lohan on TMZ and decided to go copycat. Yes, I have IMDb open to Sigourney's page right now. Ooh, she was in Half Moon Street. If she'd turned around, I'd have a good one for that.

Act Your Way Out Of This One Al

Al Pacino's hair is falling out faster than Amy Winehouse's teeth. Aw, we all love Al. Remember how awesome he was in Dog Day Afternoon and Serpico? Then he bought into the notion that he was the greatest actor of all-time and became totally over-the-top and self-indulgent. Now he's just an old ham taking work wherever he can get it. He's still not as big a whore as Robert De Niro.

Nice Disguise Honey

Keira Knightley tried dressing herself up as a really intense feminist vegan lesbian Sylvia Plath-reading believer in the cleansing power of suicide but the paps weren't fooled. They homed in on the familiar cheesy stink of her twat and got their pictures. Poor Keira...no nomination for that rancid piece of shit The Duchess. She's probably happy though - you know how much she hates having to do the red carpet. She's not a phony like all those other phonies. She's deeeeeeeeep.

Has-Beens

Sting has successfully completed his transformation into one of those dirty, stinking, old yoga-doing dudes who totally skeez out everyone in their general vicinity yet still think they're cool as fuck. And woah, Kevin Bacon...you look maybe two degrees from being room temperature, three tops. Don't know who the bitch is. Her face is annoying, that's for sure.

He Doesn't Care

Heath Ledger has received a posthumous Oscar nomination for his performance as The Joker in the endless and tedious Dark Knight. And guess what? He doesn't care. Cause he's dead. If he had been able to keep his shit together when he was alive, then he wouldn't be dead now, and he would be able to enjoy his Oscar nomination. So let that be a lesson kids: Don't die, cause if you do, you miss out on stuff.

Robbed

The Oscar nominations were just announced and, I can't believe this, but Paris Hilton's The Hottie and the Nottie was completely snubbed. No best picture. No best actress for Paris. No best supporting actress for the nottie chick. Not even some bullshit token best original screenplay or best original song nomination. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Instead they nominated the usual slew of boring-ass prestige pictures: The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttknob (which should be sold as a cure for insomnia), Frost/Nixon (Ron Howard sucks balls), Milk (as in what I shot out my nose while watching this absurd film), The Reader (not the life-story of Denise Richards I'm guessing) and Slumdog Millionaire, which is about a bunch of dirty Hindus gouging each other's eyes out and going on game-shows. It's all just self-congratulatory bullshit anyways, Paris. Don't let it bother you.

I Vote "It's A Big Joke"

Joaquin Phoenix had everyone scratching their heads after throwing an apparent fit before an appearance in Vegas Friday night. According to Page 6, the newly-minted rapper was getting ready for soundcheck but got pissed when his personal documentarian Casey Affleck and his camera crew didn't show up on time. "Thanks for being late and fucking everything up," Joaquin reportedly exclaimed before storming out. Then, per an eyewitness, "He came back five minutes later and did the soundcheck. Nobody can tell if he is for real or if this is all a big joke." I still say joke. But it's possible Joaquin has really just lost his mind.

Barely Holding It Together

I'm very concerned about Mischa Barton. No, really. This is not a bit. This girl is in very serious trouble and someone needs to help her. If you're reading this and you know Mischa...get in touch with her family or something, okay? Someone needs to get to her before she hurts herself. This is not a joke! We have to save Mischa before...eh, fuck it.

Just Have Tony Kick His Ass

Alyssa Milano has gotten a judge to order a permanent injunction against a crazed fan she says was harassing her at her home. Alyssa - is that any way to treat your fan? Maybe he was just trying to bring you cookies? Maybe he just wanted you to sign his Who's the Boss box set? Maybe he wanted to wax your forearms for you?

Snow Prick

Nick Hogan is using his freedom constructively: He's wandering around the Sundance Film Festival looking like the king of the douchebags. I bet Nick's not just there for the parties and the Hollywood tail though. I bet he's running around trying to get a meeting with some producer thinking he can sell his story. He wants to play himself of course. If I were him I'd just go straight to porno. Unless, you know, he lacks the necessary equipment.

Falling From The Arms Of Another

That's Jayden James but that's not Britney...it's Federline's new trashy stripper girlfriend whose name escapes me (and I'm too lazy to look it up). Won't be long before replacement stripper mom is more mom than real stripper mom Britney. Better that way. New stripper mom has a better grip plus her affairs aren't being controlled by her father on account of her being a looooooney.

Enjoy It While It Lasts Kids

Everything was glitter and pomp and shivering majorettes yesterday for the inauguration and the parade and the balls. Barack and Michelle danced to Beyonce's rendition of Etta James's At Last (memo to ball organizers: Etta ain't dead). So far no one has attacked us or threatened us or anything else to "test the new guy's mettle." They will though. In four years these guys will be just about ragged. In eight? Ready to never lay eyes on each other again.

Herr Cruise

Valkyrie got its Berlin premiere. Tom showed up so everyone would know it's all good between Germany and Scientology after that whole trying to ban the cult thing. Katie showed up cause, well, Tom told her to. The clock is definitely ticking on this marriage. Katie's 30, and as soon as Dakota Fanning reaches a semi-appropriate age...

The Wonk And The Wack

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and Denise Richards? Charlie never paid Denise for it.

Hello Damien

To all those who've been awaiting the birth of The Antichrist - I think you can stop waiting now. He's here. He's among us. His mom used to be Felicity. Why do I hear mysterious medieval chanting?

Kennedy Ruins Inaugural Luncheon

Brain cancer survivor Ted Kennedy ruined Barack Obama's inaugural luncheon by suffering a seizure. Reports say John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz Kerry administered care to Teddy until the medics arrived...and he didn't want her to stop. But seriously...this is obviously not the first luncheon Teddy has ruined like this. In fact he's famous for it. Normally it's just him being toasted in the middle of the day, but this time, it was really serious. On a semi-related note...just moments before Kennedy's collapse, 134-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd was wheeled out of the luncheon hall with "eating problems." The old Klansman couldn't get his food down knowing a black man was president, is what it was.

President And Wife

Barack's the president now. How does that make all you redneck fuckers feel? You gonna get your drink on, throw on the old Klan hood and light some crosses on fire? Or are you too fat and useless to pry yourselves from your recliners (which you salvaged from the dump and dragged home to your trailer)? The Magic Negro is the boss of you now. Get used to it, hillbilly cockeaters.

Don't Mess With Daniel-San

Ralph Macchio is pissed off that someone is putting together a remake of The Karate Kid, the film that catapulted him to fame in the long-gone '80s. "It feels pretty good that some people are pretty angry that they're trying to remake The Karate Kid," Macchio ranted. "It feels good that the public feels you don't touch certain things. Some times you go back to that, and probably shouldn't. From my personal view, the filling the void of what Mr. Miyagi was - and the magic of that character - is going to be the toughest task." Yeah, Miyagi was magical. Cranky old Japanese fucker spending his days trying to catch flies with chopsticks. Reportedly, Jackie Chan is being offered that part, and the insufferable Jayden Smith will be playing Daniel-San. What I wanna know is, who will be taking over the William Zabka role? Nobody can touch that guy. He was the master of playing dudes you wanted to kick in the nuts then assrape. Don't say Andy Dick...that's too obvious.

How You Handle Paps

Julia Roberts shows us how you handle the paps...you go all mental on them. I'm frankly surprised anyone bothers trying to get pictures of this washed-up ho anymore. Even Demi Lovato is higher on the celeb food-chain.

Getting Weird

That hairstyle looked great on Marlene Dietrich in 1934. And what's with Pitt and the scarves? Is he going to the pole with Peary? These two are starting to get a bit weird. They're spending too much time cooped up with the brood I think.

Just Like Daddy

Check out McConaughey's kid...just a little nipper and already stoned out his mind and makin' it with the hos. Yes I know it's his mom, but, every boy's first love is his mom right?

Workin' It

"Uh, hey out there. It's me, Abe. I was wondering...would it be possible for someone to get me the hell off this sweaty negro's shirt? The smell...you can't even imagine."

Jonas Brothers Go To Washington

"Yo dude, they're so, like, inaugurating the president or something today."

"Yeah dude. I'm totally tripping on your shirt right now dude. Good thing I saved that mushroom for later."

"Cool dude. Hey, I'm the one on the right. How come I look thirty?"

"I don't know dude. How come you're telling us you're the one on the right?"

"I don't know dude. Where's Miley? I need my dick sucked."

"Fuck that dude. Her daddy taught her to bite. Where's Selena? She knows how to work the taint."

"Yo dude. She's just a little girl. That's sick."

"I know dude. I'm a twisted motherfucker."

Let's Hope...

...this isn't the last picture we see of him where he's all in one piece. Nah, I'm sure everything will be fine. They've got D.C. locked down.

Is that seriously what she's wearing? A housecoat?

This Is What He Meant By A Music Career?

For some reason, when Joaquin Phoenix said he was embarking on a music career, I pictured him strumming a guitar and crooning about fire and rain like some wannabe James Taylor. I did not see him trying to become a cross between Kanye West and the Unabomber. I've become convinced that the whole thing is some kind of put-on. Ben Affleck's brother Casey is apparently filming Joaquin's antics for a documentary, which seems like a hint. I guess Joaquin got bored starring in movies about fire fighters and wanted to become the new Ashton Kutcher. We all need a dream.

Lock Up The Sharp Objects

Mischa Barton is looking depressed again. I smell suicide attempt. Oh Mischa, it's all just a cry for help. By the way whatever happened to your cute little sister with the really bad pill problem? What the hell was her name again? Hania? It's tough being a Barton.

Someone Shut Him Up

In spite of lukewarm reviews and general negative buzz, Tom Cruise's Valkyrie has actually done halfway decent at the box-office, and lately it seems Tom has been successfully rehabbing his battered image (mostly by acting chastened). It's too bad Tom can't just be happy with the slight uptick in his prospects. No, every time things start going right for this dumb bastard, he has to go and open his mouth again like he did yesterday in Korea where he dropped this little nugget about his life-long fascination with Hitler:

I’ve always wanted to kill Hitler. As a child, I used to wonder why someone didn’t stand up and kill him.

As a child studying history and looking at documents, I wondered, why didn’t someone stand up and try to stop it? When I read the script, it was entertaining and informative to know what the challenges were and what it was like to be in the environment.

Alas, Hitler is already dead, so Tom has to settle for killing his own career. Maybe he could just sew his lips shut?

Why Sundance Has Become A Joke

The Sundance Film Festival is about more than scruffy indies full of lesbians with cute haircuts finding love on the road...it's also a chance for random celebs to dress in their best winter garb and spread their worthlessness in new places. Speaking of worthlessness...here's Nick Hogan arriving in Park City. Someone told him his driver's license was still good in Utah. The hard-core movie people all hate it when people like Nick and Paris show up, polluting the place with their phoniness. Movie people just can't stand phoniness.

Fat Freak Now Fat Inmate

Boy George has reported to jail where he will spend up to the next 15 months as punishment for chaining some fag to his radiator and making him listen to Culture Club (Dick Cheney would be taking notes if he weren't busy moving). Reports say Boy has already gotten on the nerves of other prisoners by securing a cushy canteen job (would you like some semen with that gruel?). Here's hoping he never comes out. Yeah, I said it - I hope some fool sticks a shiv in this fat useless motherfucker.

At Least There's No Bush

Okay Madonna, we get it...you're not uptight like your mommy and all the other Catholics back in Detroit. Talk about belaboring a point. I swear to Christ, when I'm 100 years old, I will still be looking at pictures of this woman trying to pose sexy and coming off desperate as all fuck. Memo to Madonna: You ain't indispensable. There are plenty of cheap attention whores willing to put themselves on display for our titillation, entertainment, etc., TV pumps those bitches out 50 at a time now. You can pack it in. Go home. Relax. Let yourself go a little. If we need your twat for anything we'll fire up the bat signal. Sound like a deal?

You Didn't Have To Show Us. We Would've Taken Your Word For It.

Tori Spelling wants everyone to know she's got her "bikini body" back after shitting out yet another kid (that will grow up to hate her like she hates her own mother). Dear Tori: We already have Heidi Montag, we don't need you. Also...all that money you spent on your face and those boobs? You might as well have burned it. Would've saved you some pain not to mention the cancer treatments down the road.

Can't Imagine Where She Gets It From

Kelly Osbourne was hauled into jail earlier this month for an incident at a club last August in which she slapped a columnist who called her boyfriend stupid. The columnist, Zoe Griffin, apparently mocked Kelly's boyfriend Luke Worrall by claiming he didn't know what an earthquake was. Good thing Sharon wasn't there or Zoe would've gotten double-teamed. The Daily Mail says Kelly handed herself over voluntarily and was released on bail until March. Note that we are only finding out now about stuff that went down in August and then in early January. Shows how big Kelly is on the celeb radar screen.

Old Lesbian

Robert Redford - you were once hot, now you look like an old lesbian. Demi would probably still fuck you though, for the history if nothing else. Maybe if you made some kind of, what's the term I'm looking for, indecent proposal?

Biggie Still Gettin' Folk Shot

Some fool got hisself shot at a screening of the new Biggie Smalls biopic Notorious. Details are sketchy but it appears the victim was a punk-ass bitch or perhaps even a bitch-ass punk. Jamal Woolard, dude who plays Biggie in the movie, was at the theater at the time of the shooting but missed taking any lead. Evidently, the negative vibes Biggie spread throughout his life have yet to entirely disperse.

Pigeons Don't Like Him Either

It looks like something crapped on Tom Cruise in Korea. Some pigeon all loaded up with bad thetans maybe. Only Tom can save the suppressive pigeons!

Towering Tom

Tom Cruise is in Korea shoving Valkyrie (and possibly his penis) down the throats of the people. He may be making a secret trip into North Korea to negotiate the purchase of the country on behalf of the Church of Scientology which has always wanted its own population of starving, oppressed people to lord it over. Tom will be King of Scientologyland and John Travolta will be the Minister in Charge of Killing Off the Autistic. Tom loves the Korean folk - he's a giant compared to them.

Blocking Out The Pain

Katie Holmes has learned to push the pain way way down inside. Now she can't feel anything...not even fire burning her hand. Look what you've done Tom Cruise. Just...look...what...you've...done...you...mad man.

Mary-Kate Lines Up Her Lawyers

Entertainment Weekly is telling the untold story of Heath Ledger's last days. Will this include the part where Mary-Kate killed him? Or are we going to gloss over that whole bit?

Bye Boy

Boy George will go to jail for 15 months for chaining up a male prostitute in his flat. The judge called George's actions "callous" and "degrading." Well duh judge...that's the point. You don't do the bondage thing because you're a lovely guy...you do it because you have a black hole where your soul should be. Now Boy can get his rocks off in new and wonderful ways inside jail. I almost envy him.

Lucky Pig

That's how I wanna go...with a metal shaft up my ass. The pig was being delivered to Kate Moss's birthday party by the way. It was stuffed with drugs.

I'm So Relieved

Jennifer Lopez denies rampant reports that she is about to send Marc Anthony packing. "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced," Lopez said. "Divorce is not, and never was, an option." I believe her. If she wants to get rid of this guy she'll just have him murdered or put him in a coma like she was Claus Von Bulow. If I were him I'd make a break for it. Fake my death and run to Argentina or something. Eh, who am I kidding...she'd find him anyway. There's nowhere for him to hide. Sorry dude...I tried.

Mucking Through

I'm not getting much of a buddy-buddy vibe off Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway as they go about flogging their silly Bride Wars thing. Mostly I get a "we tolerate each other for business reasons" feel. Anne is clearly a much hotter prospect right now, a fact Hudson no doubt resents bitterly. And Anne probably fancies herself a serious artiste who is slumming in this thing and hates that she has to be around a frivolous twat like Hudson. Basically, they despise each other.

Fat Arms

Hilary Duff has fat arms. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I'm just pointing it out. She's also ugly. Okay, carry on.

Knoxville Grenade Flap

Funnyman Johnny Knoxville got into trouble with authorities Thursday when he tried to bring a fake grenade onto a plane in Los Angeles. According to Johnny, the mock explosive was a prop he had been using for the new MTV show he's filming and he forgot he had it on him as he went through security. "When the shoot was over, the wardrobe girl packed my luggage so I could go home and, unbeknownst to me, she packed a FAKE hand grenade (a prop grenade that I'd taken to the shoot) in the front zipper of my luggage," Knoxville claimed on his blog. "Needless to say, when I was packing to go out of town this morning with my girlfriend and daughter, I didn't see the FAKE grenade in my luggage." And why exactly would the wardrobe girl plant the FAKE grenade in Johnny's luggage? She wasn't trying to deliberately get him in trouble for some reason? It wasn't some kind of weird Fatal Attraction revenge scenario from some one-nighter they had? Another question: Why is Johnny Knoxville filming anything anywhere? He has no talent. Not a lick.

Kill The Bitch

When most people get sick of their dogs they either tie them to a telephone pole out in the woods or feed them some tainted Puppy Chow and claim it was natural causes. Beyonce has a different approach however: She conveniently forgets her unwanted pets at her record company offices, leaving them for the staff to take care of. This is exactly what Beyonce reportedly did with her dog Munchie, who she used to be photographed with all the time but has apparently tired of. "Beyonce left the dog here towards the end of last summer and hasn't returned to pick Munchie up," said a source at Columbia. Another source said they'll be glad when Beyonce finally "takes charge" of the animal again, because everyone there is sick of cleaning up the dog's pee. Memo to that dumbass: Beyonce will never take charge of the dog again. She's Beyonce and you're a mere record company stooge. Your problem now asslick.

Stop The Madness

The Osbournes have a variety show coming out...and now John Mayer does too. CBS has picked up the sure-to-be-debacle starring the Stevie Ray Vaughn wannbe and hopes to roll the thing out within the next couple of months. This despite the utter(ly delicious) failure of Rosie O'Donnell's own variety show. Sorry dumbasses but the format is dead...and it sure as hell ain't going to be resurrected by John Freaking Mayer. Unless he can somehow convince Aniston to do her famous ping-pong ball act. You know what I mean.

Awkward Phase

Orlando Bloom is clearly going through a weird time in his life right now. That has to be the explanation. His woman appears amused by something. Him maybe? I bet he's the kind who doesn't like being laughed at. He probably hits too. He's a fuckhead for sure.

The Honeymoon Begins

Fergie apparently married that Duhamel guy and apparently they are now on their honeymoon. The whole concept of a celebrity honeymoon is hilarious to me. First of all, it's not like they haven't already fucked a thousand times. Second of all...how can you truly go on a honeymoon when your life is already one big honeymoon? Fergie ought to be glad she isn't a methwhore living underneath a discarded pick-up topper with her two underfed babies and her husband who lost both his legs to diabetes.

Who's Playing Tom?

Mila Kunis stars as Katie Holmes in The Katie Holmes Story. This is the scene where the cold sores get totally out of control.

How Does He Breathe?

Michael Jackson no longer needs to breathe in order to live. As long as he gets his daily allowance of child-spunk, he's good to go. I don't know about you, but if that dude touched any pictures of mine with those disgusting, pasty, dried-up hands of his, I would immediately burn the shit. Those hands are scarier than anything on him.

Dignity Schmignity

I will never again question Verne Troyer's commitment to his career as a useless celebrity. Anyone who would submit to shit like this...well, that dude is willing to do anything. He'd spelunk inside Perez Hilton's asshole if there was a couple bucks and a blow-job in it.

She Ruv Him Rong Time

Mickey Rourke completed his return from the Hollywood abyss the other night by reportedly getting crazy with noted fame-whore Bai Ling at the Chateau Marmont. Interestingly enough, Mickey was hanging there with Sean Penn - the guy he famously bashed not long ago as a homophobe. Maybe Sean doesn't check out what people are saying about him on the internet much. Or maybe he's so far up his own ass he just doesn't care.

No More Balthazar?

Sienna Miller appears to have shed Balthazar Getty in favor of Cillian Murphy who is acting alongside her in some new horrible movie no one will see. Yes, another married one. She just can't help herself. She sees a home, she has to wreck it.

I Take It Back...

I said I was sick of pictures of Amy Winehouse frolicking on the beach. So now, no more pictures of her frolicking on the beach. Instead...pictures of her crawling around on all fours, bombed, trying to steal people's drinks. This is Amy's idea of cleaning up. Reportedly, guests at her resort hotel on St. Lucia have been leaving in droves to get away from her. The other night she dumped a glass of water on a woman she thought was giving her dirty looks. After the above photo was taken, Amy, who had been cut off by the hotel wait staff, was begging people to buy her a bottle of wine she could take back to her room. She's fine. Really. Fine.

That's Using Your Head

Anne Hathaway had nothing to wear to this big event. She was driving around all frantic and wondering what she was going to do when she ran over some little animal. She got out of the car all hysterical with grief over injuring this poor innocent creature. She had no choice but to put it out of its misery so she got out the tire iron and finished it off. Then, as she stared at the mangled, flattened carcass, she realized...yes, she could fashion a dress out of it. Problem solved!

There Oughta Be A Law

California has a law against talking on your cell phone while driving - now it needs one that bans talking on your cell phone while riding your bike. "Oh my God I totally just ran over some old lady. Should I call an ambulance or go back and finish her off and make it look like a suicide?" Maybe California should just go all the way and ban Miley. She's a menace.

Guess The Fat Homo

Oh my goodness...it's Boy George. He was once a pop-star, but now he's just another fat, pervy old fruit. Memo to Boy: When they say they want to be uncuffed, uncuff them. I know it's fun but it ain't worth jail.

This Is What Happens When Your Movie Flops

Seven Pounds was a flop in America so now Will Smith has to work extra-hard to sucker foreigners into seeing the thing. This includes submitting to humiliating bits on European talk shows. What's he doing here, his worst Bill Cosby impression? "I'm a goldfish and I got the pudding-pops and somebody shot my son and now I'm bitter at all black people and Robert Culp can go fuck himself." Will should stick to movies that involve kicking the asses of aliens.

They Look Perfectly Happy To Me

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have taken a break from trying to kill each other. Lindsay's had so much hair torn out that she has to wear extensions. Ronson covers up the nail- and bite-marks with self-inflicted cigarette burns. It's getting ugly kids. Actually, it always was ugly, but enough about their looks.

Sure Honey...It's By Choice

Gwyneth Paltrow's movie career is pretty much in the toilet but you won't find the former Oscar winner admitting it. Instead Gwynnie, who has reached new heights of insufferableness with her patronizing website Goop.com, is finessing the whole circling-the-drain thing by pretending she's taking time off to be with her kids. "I haven't starred in a film since my kids were born, and I don't think I will," bitch told Gotham magazine. "I'll never get these days back ... I don't want to miss them." Well Gwyn, I asked your kids about it, and they said they wouldn't mind you going back to work. In fact, they asked me to tell you to please please pretty please with sugar on top and a big red cherry go the fuck back to work you unbearable shitstain of a human being. And give the website a rest. The peasants have been making their own Thanksgiving dinners for centuries and don't need your advice. This is your kids saying this Gwyn. Not me.

Felicity Feels His Pain

Robert Pattinson is catching shit from the producers of Twilight and its soon-to-be-rolling sequel Full Moon for cutting off that gross, bug-infested nest he was calling a head of hair. I can see where they're coming from on this too. Dude had a scruffy, stoned-best-friend appeal before, now he just looks pervy and weird. And the new movie starts shooting in March too (they sure churn crap out these days, don't they?) so there's no time for Robert to grow new hair. He'll just have to roll with what he has and take the consequences. It's the biggest hair controversy since Keri Russell sheared her Felicity locks and completely ruined her career.

It Could Happen To Anyone

Ryan Seacrest is catching lots of flack for trying to high-five a blind American Idol contestant. It's been a bad week for the midget, gleamy-toothed Seacrest who was also snubbed by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on the Golden Globes red carpet. And I heard his goldfish left him and his dog has come down with a bad case of the shits. Ryan needs a hug. One of those hearty hugs men give each other that don't mean anything but look really suspicious.

I Don't Think I Can Osbear Any More

The Osbournes have landed a variety show and the publicity blitz is on. It's cute see cause it's like the Osmonds but it's the Osbournes who are much less wholesome than the Osmonds but now they have a variety show just like the Osmonds except it's the modern-day kind of show where Ozzy is completely incoherent and Sharon physically assaults the guests and Kelly vomits blood and Jack stands there looking like a fatter, faggier version of Spencer Pratt. I'm guessing Donny and Marie will be guests at some point. I hope they also get really crazy and vomit stuff. That would be cool.

Don't Tell Miley

Taylor Swift hanging out with Demi Lovato? Miley is never going to speak to her again. Fucking bitch. Um...did they both go dyke?

Worst Jobs In The World

1. Janitor
2. Trapeze operator at Amy Winehouse's favorite trapeze place
3. Andy Dick's agent

Megan Fox Runs Herself Down

I didn't actually watch this video but apparently it features Megan Fox slamming her own looks, claiming she's a tranny who resembles Alan Alda, etc., Oh, poor Megan...well, thankfully you're a rich movie star now and can afford all sorts of surgery. Unfortunately, there's no such thing as a self-esteem transplant. Or talent injections.

Ha Ha...Kill Me

This is my life: Browsing around the internet until I find things like this picture of Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston making funny faces at the camera. Why have I not killed myself? Oh, right...I want to live long enough to see Miley Cyrus end up penniless and in jail.

Things I've Had Enough Of...

Pictures of Amy Winehouse frolicking on the beach. Also...intense asshole pain, media sucking-up to Barack Obama, getting my dick caught in things and Katherine Heigl.

Isn't He A Little Old For Stalking?

Jennifer Love Hewitt has won a restraining order against a 62-year-old man she says has sent her more than 100 letters describing sickening and violent sexual fantasies (sounds like boyfriend material to me). The judge says the man, who reportedly sold his home in Colorado so he could move to L.A. and be close to Jennifer, must stay away from Jennifer, the Universal backlot where she works on her TV show, Jennifer's mom and Jennifer's ex-fiance for three years. I think the guy's just misunderstood. Jennifer needs to lighten up.

Following Instructions Is Not One Of His Long-Suits

Howie Mandel is in the hospital after reportedly taking heart medication on a empty stomach despite being explicitly ordered by a doctor not to do this. TMZ says Howie never even knew he had a heart condition until getting an exam recently and finding out he had an irregular heartbeat. The medication was to control this condition but, obviously, it doesn't work right if you don't do what they tell you. It's also possible the doctor is a quack and Howie will never have to work another day in his life after successfully suing the motherfucker.

I Don't Even Want To Know

David Gest has apparently become some kind of preacher who heals Z-listers by the laying on of hands. The bitch is Kerry Katona - one of those British broads who's famous for reasons that remain obscure - and I'm not exactly sure what ailment Gest is supposed to be curing here. By the look of her I'd say some sort of venereal disease. And now that David's touched her she's got a few more conditions to worry about.

Insult To Dogs

Some crazy drunk broad went up to Brad Pitt during the HBO Golden Globes after party and started giving him the business for the way he looked as the old man in Benjamin Button, calling his character "ugly as a dog." Pitt, polite fellow he is, tried explaining to the woman all about how the character needed to look that way but of course reasoning with drunk crazy women at parties is utterly futile (something Brad would know if he hung around Cameron Diaz more). The woman then went on to insist that Brad shave his goatee because "it looks horrible." Brad's buddies were all reportedly giggling their asses off during the whole exchange. Then Angelina walked up and they all went silent and averted their eyes lest they incur her wrath.

Get The Firehose

Anne Hathaway shows off her not-lesbianness with some scruffy dude she is apparently dating. Got that everyone? Anne Hathaway is not a lesbian. She likes men. Preferably the non-con-artist kind. Here's Anne a moment before the kiss:


When is Anne gonna get that schnozz taken care of? That's a beast. Sunglasses make it seem even bigger.

At Least It Ain't Owen Wilson Again

Kate Hudson has a new man and by "new" I mean "not Owen Wilson." The guy's name is Adam Scott and he's described as an Australian golfing star. And now he's sticking it to a movie star no one can ever remember making a good movie. Congrats to him.

How Bad Can The Economy Be...

...if Chloe Sevigny is getting $50,000 to host a New Year's party? Yes, it's true, according to Page 6: The actress best known for her wacko fashion sense (and orally pleasuring Vincent Gallo on-film) was given half-a-hundred-grand by South Beach's Gansevoort Hotel to show up at their big end-of-the-year bash. Blow-jobs not included as far as I know.

Teeny Nirvana

Efron's probably wondering why he had to be seated with the pansies. He thinks he's a serious actor now. The Jonas Brothers? He'd fuck them but he wouldn't be caught dead in a movie with them. Unless it was gay porn.

Where's He Wanna Stick That?

Darren Aronofsky flips off Mickey Rourke during Mickey's emotional acceptance speech at the Golden Globes. Those two are totally fucking. Rourke needs to lay off the aw-shucks act. It's cool that he's having his moment now but everyone knows his self-deprecation is a sham. Apparently he's going to be in Iron Man 2 now, also. That's what you do when you win an award...parlay it into huge paydays in crap, then go drink, snort and fuck away the dough just like the other times.

Hoff Dry Hump

Hasselhoff couldn't score an invite to the Golden Globes but he didn't care cause he was in Vegas landing himself some sub-primo tail. That chick was standing upright until he breathed on her. Imagine waking up in a cheap Vegas hotel room next to Hasselhoff. I'd slit my wrists right there.

Please Don't Procreate

Rumer had a halfway decent piece of ass on her arm at the Golden Globes last night. She has a rockin' bod and is probably hot in the sack, plus there's that whole famous mommy and daddy thing. I'm simply trying to explain why this man might be willing to look beyond Rumer's, um, issues. She's beautiful on the inside, right? Uh-huh. And my farts smell like Chanel No. 5.

Someone Forgot To Lock The Doors At The Nuthouse

This is the best Renee Zellweger can do anymore. Hey, she tries. And with the medication, she isn't even hearing the voices anymore. Well, not as loud, anyway.

Steel Magnolias

This would've been my hair at the prom if I were female and from Biloxi. Come on Drew, what the fuck? You back on drugs again?

Ain't She A Little Young For Plumper?

Daddy needs to start yanking the reins on Miley I think. Fucking around with a 20-year-old gold-digging wannabe country singer is one thing, but lip plumper? What the fuck is Miley doing at the Golden Globes anyway? She ain't an actress. She's just some little twat who pretends to be a singer. Get this trailer trash the fuck out of my face, man.

The Vag What Spawned Him

Katie was too busy hauling Suri around New York for publicity purposes, so Tom had to take his mom to the Golden Globes. I wonder how she feels about her son being a homosexual Jim Jones wannabe who exploits his child in a way that would make even Patsy Ramsey blush (if she weren't dead). Eh, she's probably too full of sedatives to even notice.

The Cool Kids

Tough night for Brad and Angie last night. Not even one award. I don't think Angie really thought she was going to win anything - she would've glammed it up more if she expected to be on-stage. I don't know about Brad. Maybe he thought that Benjamin Button nonsense was finally his ticket. Unfortunately, even the Golden Globes aren't sucker enough to give someone an award for doing nothing. Mickey Rourke rocked like nobody's business in The Wrestler and deserved to win. Brad should watch that performance and take notes. Actually, scratch that...even if he studied Rourke for a hundred years, he would still not have what it takes. He's just bland...always has been, always will be.

Take That, Streep

Meryl Streep didn't win anything at the Golden Globes and neither did Angelina Jolie...because Kate Winslet was too busy taking all the awards. "Look at me bitches," she is clearly thinking in the above photo. "I got two and you got nothing but a champagne buzz! Every tooth can rot out of my ugly English mouth and I won't care because I rock and you are all losers!" Shouldn't be any surprise. Revolutionary Road is exactly the kind of shrill, shallow, soapy nonsense that always wins, and The Reader...well, it's the Holocaust. That's the surest way to attract awards short of a story about gentle retards.

Nicole Kidman Also Can't Stand Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman makes a rule of not watching her own movies - putting her in tune with the vast majority - but she did make an exception for Australia, the epic Baz Luhrmann disaster she starred in with Hugh Jackman. Unfortunately, the experience only reminded Nicole why she normally avoids seeing herself on-screen. "I can't look at this movie and be proud of what I've done," Nicole explained. "I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, 'Am I any good in this movie?'" Keith would've answered but he was too busy sneaking a swig from the flask he had tucked away inside his suit-coat. Honestly, Nicole - if you hate your movies so much, why not just stop making them? You think anyone cares?

Not Fat Enough (Also Her Twat Smells)

I've heard of actresses losing roles because they were too old and fat but I've seldom heard of one losing a role because she wasn't old and fat enough. This is exactly what's happened to Sienna Miller, however. Page 6 says Miller was dumped from the new Russell Crowe flick Nottingham because Crowe is a gigantic blubbery moose and producers were worried his love scenes with the young, slim Sienna, who was set to play Maid Marian to Crowe's Robin Hood, would just ick everyone out. The film is now casting around for a fattish actress in her late '30s or early '40s who will be more compatible with the gargantuan, sweaty, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen Crowe (who, by the way, will also be playing the Sheriff of Nottingham). I'm guessing this is one part Sienna doesn't mind losing - unless she was really looking forward to being squashed beneath a giant bag of pink Aussie flesh.

Suri Bunny

I feel sorry for that poor innocent bunny, being dragged in front of the paps just so Suri can soften her image. That's rank exploitation! Someone call stuffed bunny protective services! Fucking Scientologists.

Hostage

Sorry David, there's no escape. As long as you remain married to Courteney Cox, well, there she'll be. Lurking. Clutching. Calling the house at 3 in the morning threatening to take the pills...again. Gotta ask yourself the question, man: Is it worth it?

Still Spinning Around

Kirsten Dunst rode on the spinning teacups with a mystery man at Disneyland. She didn't get sick - she's used to everything spinning. And who is the mystery man? I don't know, but I bet there will be a new one tomorrow.

Target Shopper

How much you wanna bet those bags are all filled with knit caps, skin cream and white t-shirts? How much you wanna bet Zac rips holes in his own t-shirts when he gets them home? How much you wanna bet Zac has never seen a vagina?

This'll Straighten Him Right Out

Ryan O'Neal has been ordered into an 18-month drug program after being found guilty of felony possession charges. Dumb old fart and his idiot son Redmond got nailed for meth possession last year after Redmond violated his probation from a DUI and police searched their house. I'm sure Ryan will come out of this a better person. And if not, well, there are plenty of winos for him to beat up if he needs to get out any frustration.

Heather Mills Chops Off...Her Hair

Heather Mills spent some of Paul McCartney's money on a new haircut and went on the Today Show to promote her charity which gives food to hungry kids in the Bronx - but only vegan food. "I've been studying nutrition for a long time now," she explained. "I'm just trying to bring awareness." Awareness of what? How wonderful and altruistic you think you are? Go fuck yourself with your own wooden leg you phony pile of shit. If you really cared about feeding hungry people you'd feed them, not use the whole thing as an occasion to shove your lifestyle down their throats. This reminds me of Mother Teresa helping the starving and the crippled and the diseased but only after they agreed to accept Jesus Christ. Heather loves everyone who thinks the way she does and everyone else can go off and eat rat droppings. Vile, vile woman.

Alba Dumb

I'm not even going to speculate on what Alba might've been thinking when she wore her pajamas to a movie premiere. I suppose it's possible the kid has just tired her out to the point where she doesn't know what she's doing anymore. That's no excuse though. Angelina has many more kids and she always glams up, no matter what. It's a sad state of affairs when a starlet can't even handle one child without flipping out.

No David

Posh dressed the kids up like little men and took them out to dinner. No Batman costumes this time. Even Posh knows there's a limit. Don't see David anywhere in this pic - maybe he was tired out from shagging the help?

Getcha Motor Runnin'...

This is how Brad escapes from the brood. Out there on the highway it's just him and the bike and the pavement flashing by. And the bug-guts on his visor. And the occasional fleeting fantasy of going 8o mph into a bridge abutment. That always makes him smile.

Beard's Gone

Wills shaved the beard off. His woman must've complained. Is he still hosing that Middleton broad or has he moved on to another ho who wants to be queen one day? Man, Harry really does look like the idiot brother sometimes doesn't he? Inbreeding shows up, no matter how hard you try to hide it.

Wow...She Can Eat

Witness the amazing eating child. Watch as its joyless keeper feeds it a square piece of cardboard masquerading as a treat. Jeez, I wonder what other tricks she does. Breathing? Pooping? Blinking her eyes? Talented child there.

She Found Him Wandering In The Park

Richard Gere got a lifetime achievement honor, or something along those lines, at the Critics' Choice Awards, and his Nights in Rodanthe co-star Diane Lane was there to make sure he didn't get lost returning to his seat. I thought Buddhists were supposed to be all about rejecting material things and shit. So why is Gere accepting awards? It's only a little award so I guess it's okay. I'm assuming he made mention of Tibet in his speech. I wish the Chinese would stop oppressing those people - not because I care about the Tibetans but because I'm sick of people like Gere and that doucheface from The Beastie Boys ramming it down my throat.

Less Teeth Hon

Kate Winslet needs to practice showing less teeth when she smiles. She's a Brit so those things are only going to get nastier as time goes on. I hope she didn't buy that bag to keep all her award trophies in cause, well, she ain't gonna win any. Not that there's anything wrong with her acting, it's just, well, some people are meant to win and some people are meant to be Peter O'Toole. That's how it goes.

No, Jolie Didn't Adopt Hathaway...I Don't Think

Awards season sucks except for the random celeb combinations that always happen and the pics that document them. Oh look - Anne Hathaway and Angelina Jolie. Gosh, wouldn't it be awesome if they started hanging out? Angie could take Anne out to get tatted down and Anne could, I don't know, lick out Angie's vagina?

Congratulations Lisa Bonet

I thought Bronx Mowgli was the absolute worst baby name in history - until I read that Lisa Bonet had named her new kid Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Yeah Lisa - congrats on that one. Not only did you break the record for stupidest baby name ever, you put that sucker so far out of reach that I doubt anyone will ever top it. Unless Pete and Ashlee have another one and name it by picking words randomly out of the dictionary.

Grossness

How'd you like to be one of those poor people back there when Amy cut loose one of her crackhead farts? I swear this bitch just has no regard for anyone. Next thing I wanna read is, Amy Winehouse's Body Found Washed Ashore, Naked and Half-Eaten. So over this bitch.

Nice Disguise Tom

Some random dude brings flowers to Jett Travolta's memorial. But is it in fact a random dude? Or is it actually Tom Cruise in a clever disguise? Either way...what a cheap-ass flower basket. I know Jett was just a Dorito-chomping retard but damn...he deserves better than that.

She Thinks We Still Give A Crap

Interview Magazine decided for some reason to talk to Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay took the opportunity to offer up some of her usual bullshit including this bit about how she never intended to become a celebrity:

I just feel as though it’s become a situation where people have manifested this caricature of who I am, and they act as if there’s no real person inside of it. I mean, people really have come to believe-directors, producers, agents, whoever it may be-that I started in this because I wanted to be a celebrity. But that was never my intention.

I think she actually has Sam Ronson feeding her this crap through an earpiece. Yeah Lindz...we've lost track of the real person inside and are just "manifesting this caricature" of who you am. Bzzzz...sorry twat-lips. You manifested the caricature long before we manifested the caricature - we just picked it up and ran with it. Yes, I know you were a mere teenager when it started and had no idea what you were doing, but, that's what parental guidance is for. Oh, right...you never had any. Sucks for you.

What Did He Win, Creepiest Dude Not Named Rahm Emanuel?

The people chose Christian Bale as their favorite actor. This dude is on a one way train to Keanu Reeves-ville if you ask me. He can't even be troubled to match the color of his head- and facial-hair at this point. Soon he will be wandering around shoeless offering people oral sex in exchange for rice cakes.

Goop This, Bitch

Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP endeavor has earned her plenty of ripping from people all over the internet including me, but Gwyneth says she doesn't give a crap about the dissing and thinks the spreaders of negativity are all just messed up inside. As she said it to USA Today:

Q: When actors or artists do something different, they open themselves up to criticism. How would you respond to the people who are critical of your latest endeavor?

A: I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them.

Dear Gwyneth...First of all honeybunch, I know exactly why I have an unhappy life, so can the high-and-mighty bullshit. Second of all...people who feel this overwhelming need to give advice are really not doing it because they want to be helpful - they're doing it because they think they know everything and want to demonstrate this vast wisdom and knowledge to everyone else. Why do you think I give lectures like this? Because I give a shit about you? No. It's because I'm full of myself. Difference between me and you is that I'm big enough to admit it. So, please dear, stop trying to portray yourself as someone who is utterly pure of motive because you're not. You are a smug asshole twat and your site is a patronizing load of self-indulgent bullshit. Now would you kindly crawl the rest of the way up your own ass and suffocate you twerp whore. P.S. Chris Martin is a closet fag and Apple is the dumbest name ever for a kid and I hope you get cunt-cancer and die.

Call Sarah McLachlan

Daisy looks like one of those sad dogs in the Sarah McLachlan commercial that turns me into a blubbering heap after about two seconds. Well, cheer up Daisy. Things could be worse for you. You could've gotten eaten by a coyote like one of Paris's dogs. Dang, Tony Romo doesn't look that happy either. Maybe he also needs rescuing. Jessica, you fucking bitch, do you only exist to spread misery?

The People's Choice. Dang, The People Have No Freaking Taste.

I'd tell her where she can shove those but I think she already knows. How come no love for Clay Aiken and that fat black guy? What, they don't count anymore? Bastaaaaaaaaaaaaards.

Why Does She Keep Bringing It Up?

Anne Hathaway went on Ellen Degeneres to promote Bride Wars or perhaps because she wants to pry Ellen away from Portia de Rossi (who looks to me like she'd happily knife anyone who fucked with her shit). Somehow the conversation turned to Anne's love life which has been rocky to say the least. Ellen, helpful dyke that she is, offered to find Anne a boyfriend (dyke code for "I'll help you find a lady bodybuilder with a ten-inch tongue"), and Anne replied, "At this point I would just like him to be law abiding," an obvious dig at her ex Raffaello Follieri who is currently in prison for being a con-artist. My question for Anne: Why, sweetie, if this guy caused you so much pain and so endangered your reputation, do you keep mentioning him every time you appear on television or do an interview? I would think that would you rather forget he existed and, more importantly, help your audience forget he existed so they could concentrate instead upon your talent, charm, radiance and luscious titties. Or maybe you want to forever be the chick who fucked the criminal douchebag who pretended to represent the Vatican? Trust me Anne - you don't.

Scarlett In No Hurry To Suckle

Scarlett Johansson won't be pressing an infant to either of her famous boobs in the near future, even though she is now married to Ryan Reynolds. "I'm not pregnant, and I'm not going to be anytime soon," the actress told Harper's Bazaar. Woody Allen hopes she waits until after he dies so he can be reincarnated as her breast pump.

Another Day, Another Clay Aiken Boob Grab

I'm not sure why Clay Aiken feels the need to go around grabbing women's boobs all the time. Everyone knows he's gay - he even came out of the closet, shocking no one - so it's not like he needs to prove his fake hetero cred by acting like a troglodyte. I guess that means he just is a troglodyte. Dear Clay - If people hadn't known you were gay already, that sweater would've clued them in.

Old Fart At Play

The Daily Mail is all over Steve Martin because they have a picture of him from a year ago wearing these same trunks while he frolicked in the surf. So the guy likes consistency in his swim wear. The fit. The way the stripes flatter his crotch area. What's the big deal?

Josh Brolin-Jeffrey Wright Arrest Video

Video has surfaced of actors Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright being manhandled by Shreveport, LA cops after some bar incident that happened while they were shooting the movie W. Eh...who gives a fuck really? They're little candy-ass actors. Do them good to get cuffed around some by redneck cops. Toughen them up. They can draw on it later when they're acting. Sorry but I just can't muster any outrage over this.

Scientology Shuns Jett Memorial

A small memorial will be held tomorrow for the late Jett Travolta and by "small" I mean completely lacking in prominent Scientologists like Tom Cruise and Will Smith. Even Jenna Elfman, a minor COS wingnut, said she was "unsure" if she could make it. Shouldn't be any surprise. The Scientology people want to stay far away from this whole thing, knowing that people suspect their idiot beliefs of having contributed to Jett's death. I'm sure John and Kelly don't really mind. They tried hiding Jett away his whole short, sad life, so why should his memorial be a big deal? They just want to get the whole thing over with so they can get back to pretending to be human beings.

Debra Puts The "Mess" In Messing

I know you ladies like these pics of the famous stars without their make-up on. It comforts you to know that when you peel away all the gook they look just as bad as you all think you do. Beauty is only as deep as the layer of shit you cake on your mush in the morning.

Slight Improvement

Katie Holmes looks slightly less on the verge of death in this picture. For a minute there I thought she was going to collapse in the street and wouldn't that have been a pretty pickle for Scientology who are already dealing with enough negative pub after the Jett Travolta "seizure" thing. It's not good for a cult when the people tied to its major followers start keeling over under mysterious circumstances.

Dear Sports-Loving Male Celebs...

Your women do not enjoy being dragged out to all these basketball games and baseball games and football games and hockey games and whatever the hell else. They only pretend to enjoy it because, well, they like having access to your money. But trust me...each time you haul them out to some asinine athletic exhibition, a little part of their soul dies, just like when you hear a Michael Bolton song or catch a few minutes of an Adam Sandler movie by accident.

The Family That Gets Work Done Together...

Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora should do a reality show. It could be all about how they've gotten closer through their mutual love of plastic surgery and there could be a big episode where Heather finally talks Richie into giving up his '80s hair and he's all emotional and Jon Bon Jovi comes and comforts him and Richie has the hair made into a wig that he gives to a little boy who's dying of cancer and the boy's like, "What's up with this bitch?" Richie's a little sick of people thinking he's Mickey Rourke I bet.

Uh...Er...Um...

This Michael Phelps dude has a longer shelf-life than I would've guessed. Normally these Olympic stars who become pop culture phenoms have worn out their welcome in six months but this guy has some sort of doofusy charm that keep working its magic. I guess it helps when you're willing to take your shirt off at the drop of a hat. Hear me Hugh Jackman? Get off those slopes and back to the beach.

Swayze Admits He's On The Last Train To Croakville

Patrick Swayze has admitted his pancreatic cancer is probably going to kill him within the next two years. He also says he refused painkilling drugs while working on his new show The Beast. That's a tough dude. Way tougher than me. If I had pancreatic cancer I'd be totally wasted on every drug I could get. I would probably only live maybe two weeks, three if there was something good on the tube I really had to see. Swayze though, he's an inspiration to us all.

Why Are You Still Here?

I'd like to know what Drew Barrymore thinks she's contributing by hanging around. When was the last time she made a movie anyone cared about? When was the last time she did or said anything anyone bothered to report on except to point out how boring she is? At least when she was 10 she was on coke and going to orgies, but now? Snoozeville.

Hey Look...We Suck

Critics have chosen their worst films of 2008...and the winner? Will Smith's mawkish holiday weeper Seven Pounds, which narrowly beat out Mike Myers's culturally-insensitive comedy The Love Guru. Angelina Jolie's big histrionic missing-kid melodrama Changeling finished 9th. Australia was on there too and so was M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening. None of this will stop any of the assholes involved from making movies in the future. Only killing the fuckers will accomplish that.

It Must Be Love

Jim Carrey must really love Jenny McCarthy, or perhaps he just feels sorry for her. Hey...she's beautiful on the inside, right Jim? And anyway a guy like you can always get some tail on the side. You're Jim Freaking Carrey. Every chick thinks you're funny. Er...well, the really drunk ones, anyways.

Crackbaby Coming

Kate Moss is growing a little crackbaby in her womb right now if you believe the rumors which are mostly the result of pictures like this. If Kate is pregnant, she's apparently among those who think smoking while knocked up is okay. Actually, considering all the bad shit circulating through Kate's system at any given moment, nicotine is probably the least of the baby's worries. If this baby is born at a normal weight and not shaking like one of Paris Hilton's little toy dogs right before its little bones collapse from being handled too much...well, then I'll be shocked as fuck.

Screamin' Midget

Reese Witherspoon got busted by paps while she was leaving a medical center and was not happy about it. So what was Reese in there for anyways? Did Jake give her something that required an examination? Or is it some lingering issue left from Ryan Phillippe? I'd guess the latter. Phillippe is much dirtier and diseased-looking than Jake. Of course Jake has had his weewee in some more interesting places - like Lance Armstrong's butthole. Whatever Reese has, it's obviously making her cranky.

Man-Love

Psst, Josh...didn't you hear what Mickey Rourke said? Sean hates that kind of stuff. It makes him uncomfortable about his manhood. He only took the Harvey Milk role because he wants to make everyone think he loves gays. He is a world-class phony baloney motherfucker. He actually thinks Hugo Chavez is a legitimate world leader and not a two-bit thug. And he had the poor taste to actually marry Madonna. Dear Sean, you don't have to marry skanky pop stars and get in fights to make everyone think you're 100% hetero. In fact, that kind of stuff only makes everyone suspicious. Come out of the closet Sean. It's okay.

Slag Wars

I wouldn't see Bride Wars under any circumstances. They could strap me down and prop my eyes open with some kind of Clockwork Orange contraption and run the thing in front of me and I'd find some way to leave my body so I wouldn't actually have to experience it. Is there any surer sign that a movie is going to reek than the presence of Kate Hudson in the cast? And what's with Anne Hathaway? I get the idea of paycheck work but damn...she's like the hottest thing walking the planet right now (I'm told) and this is the kind of shit she chooses to wallow in? She picks parts about as well as she picks boyfriends, apparently.

Sure Lindz