But Will They Keep The Zither?

There's a rumor floating around that Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire mean to team up with Eastern Promises screenwriter Steven Knight for a remake of the Orson Welles/Carol Reed classic The Third Man. The original tells the story of a bewildered pulp novelist (Joseph Cotten) who finds himself at the center of post-war Viennese intrigues involving a shadowy criminal (Welles) and a mysterious depressed babe (Alida Valli). One assumes the remake would too, unless Knight is planning some kind of wild deviation possibly involving Russian mobsters and awesome naked fistfights.

I am in favor of naked fistfights. In fact, my dream for this movie is Leo and Tobey getting butt-naked and slapping each other silly with their dicks.

I can already hear the stodgy movie purists moaning about this one, especially that old fart Roger Ebert who probably still has The Third Man among his ten greatest movies of all-time even though its crazy baroque-thriller quality feels totally forced. Well, quit your bellyaching, classic movie snobs. If Leo and Tobey want to tread where the Holy Welles once planted his fat, smelly feet, let them. Would you rather watch Leo haul his ever-thickening frame through Back to the Beach? Would you prefer to sit through The Cider House Rules 2: More Sickeningly Earnest Voice Overs and Caucasian Self-Congratulation Plus a Bunch of Abortions Just for Kicks? Didn't think so.