Portman Out-Albas Alba

Jessica Alba has lightened up slightly since giving birth, making Natalie Portman officially the most miserable cow this side of Keira Knightley. Maybe Natalie needs to get knocked up too. Or maybe she's just really upset about the shit going down in her people's country right now. Or maybe she's mad that her dog just took a giant dump in the pocket of her sweater. Don't worry Nat - one day you'll be old and washed-up and no one will care to take your picture anymore. You can have your privacy then, 'kay cunty?

The Glare Of Death

Maggie Gyllenhaal is bothered by photographers while trying to walk through New York and gives them the glare of death which is even more powerful than Keira Knightley's glare of death. I didn't realize how ugly Maggie was until I watched The Dark Knight in high-def. Motherfuck that is one deformed-looking ho. I'm surprised her father didn't leave her on a doorstep for negros to raise like Benjamin Button's.

I Hope It's Not Actually Possible To Die Laughing

Dane Cook should've heeded the example of every loser ever featured on Behind the Music and not allowed his brother Darryl McCauley to manage his financial affairs, cause Darryl done robbed Dane to the tune of several million dollars over many years before finally being arrested just yesterday. Yes, I know how sad it is that Dane Cook actually had millions of dollars for someone to steal. But that sadness is entirely balanced off, and actually exceeded in magnitude, by the joy I am now experiencing at the thought of Dane Cook being bilked by his own kin. Hahahahaha!!!! Fuck you, you unfunny son of a bitch! I hope you end up working at the deli counter somewhere doing your routines for old deaf ladies who just want you to shut up and give them a half a pound of honey glazed ham! Fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!

Rainy Day Owen

"Wow man, I'm like, surrounded by billions of tiny glowing particles. I feel so at peace with myself right now. Like nothing in the universe can bother me. I think I've discovered bliss dudes. Oh wait...no, I just took a bunch of pills to kill myself and this is the crazy drug-induced dream I'm having. Well fuck man. That just totally blows..."

Looks Like True Love To Me

K-Fat has landed himself a ho to spend all of Britney's money on and I for one couldn't be happier for the lad. I just hope the two of them have discovered birth control. Federline has spread his seed enough and if ho wants her plumbing to still work down the road when she's old and needy...well, just ask Aniston what happens when you have too many abortions.

Used Up Ho

How can Vanessa Hudgens already look this used-up? She was in a training-bra, like, six months ago. Now she's ready for the Old Ho's Home. Disney just chews you up and spits you out.

What Is Jay-Z Thinking About?

A. A new clever nickname to give himself.
B. His past life as Dumb Donald from Fat Albert.
C. That one night of bliss in Cincinnati with Diddy.
D. What Beyonce would look like slipping slowly beneath the waves.

No Crash, But A DUI

Matt Dillon was arrested for DUI after police pulled him over in Vermont for driving 106 mph on the interstate. Vermont? Either he's a maple syrup magnate or he was up there looking for Johnny cakes. Don't drink and drive kiddies. And don't co-star in Lindsay Lohan movies or you will wind up cursed.

Clash Of The Secret Queens

Mickey Rourke has been busted by a Hollywood big-wig who shared with the world a text message sent by Rourke in which the freak-faced actor trashed fellow thespian Sean Penn. The unpleasantness began because Rourke is apparently jealous over all the attention Penn has been getting for his marvelous performance as Harvey Milk in Gus Van Sant's terrific biopic Milk. Rourke thinks Penn's work is overrated - a sentiment that became public when Rourke was overheard expressing it backstage at David Letterman's program. Rourke then tried to explain himself in a private text to the aforementioned big-wig. The text read:

Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno [sic]

Let's get a few things out of the way: 1) Both these guys are obviously closet-cases; 2) Rourke is as terrific in The Wrestler as Penn is in Milk and I don't really understand why it's necessary for us to treat this as a competition except for all the Oscar shit...further proof that the Oscars are a blight on humanity; 3) If these guys fought Rourke would hit Penn once in the stomach and Penn would fold up and vomit and that would be the end of it. Penn is only tough when he's drunk and flailing at photographers. Rourke is the genuine article - he will kick your ass without even blinking (mostly because he is no longer able to move his eyelids); 4) If any actor deserves to be trashed this Oscar season it's Brad Pitt for sitting there like a useless lump all through Benjamin Buttmunch. Thank goodness for CGI and make-up otherwise there would've been no performance there at all. Chalk this one up to secret queens will be secret queens.

Another Dumb-Ass Name

Bristol Palin popped her kid Saturday and named it Tripp Easton Mitchell. The baby has Levi Johnston's last name even though I'm guessing paternity is still up in the air. Those Palin bitches will spread their legs for anyone with a dick, a hockey stick and a handful of Oxycontin. And who the fuck names their kid Tripp? Trig and Tripp? Fuck you.

Just When You Thought Mischa Barton Couldn't Get Anymore Tedious...

No one gives a shit about Mischa Barton but that isn't stopping the bitch from blogging about herself. The sneaker pitchwoman and frequent suicide hotline caller revealed in one of her recent posts that she's been in India and has been learning to play the sitar. Bitch said:

So guys India has been amazing. A little frenetic, as they do things a little different here! So it's been tough with the long shoot days to check in much! But the people are amazing, so eager to please and I've learned so much from them.

I've been having an amazing spiritual exploration visiting Hindu temples and learning about Buddhism, both beautiful religions. Hyderabad where we're filming is a real inspiration in the fact that Christians, Muslims and Hindus all get along so harmoniously. I must admit I used to make fun of people who were all into yoga and chai tea thinking it was another ridiculous health fad. But now I'm that person! First of all Masala Chai tea, the traditional way with milk and sugar is delicious, and this is coming from a brit who only likes my breakfast tea!

I must say my goal coming here was to learn to play the sitar and it's coming along real slow as apparently it's not that easy to procure a great sitar teacher here, I guess it not late 60's with Ravi Shankar and George Harrison roaming around unfortunately!!!!

Goa was my christmas break, and it was stunning, I actually went to South Goa (which isn't the party side of town) thats the North bit, but I'll post tons of footage for you guys out there. If only technology didn't hate me and I was decent with electronics! But I went parasailing, jet skiing and swimming in the ocean for ages every day. The colors, fabrics, food will blow your mind....so stay tuned to see me on my vacation and what I got up to.

I've always been grateful I wasn't young in the sixties, because I never had to pretend to give a shit about sitar music, the most mind-numbingly boring form of music this side of the noises you hear when you have tinnitus. You have to be completely bombed out of your mind on drugs to even endure sitar music. Shit just goes on and on forever and it's the same god damn thing over and over...kind of like Mischa Barton's life, actually. Hmm...now I know why she's so keen on it.

Like She'll Listen

It should read, "Brad pleads with Angie, 'No more babies!'" I don't care what Bradley says in public - that guy doesn't want anymore, either by sticking his dick in Angie or going shopping. It doesn't matter either way because Angie ain't gonna listen. She thinks her body can handle anything, including pumping out babies like they were Pez and she a little plastic thing with a Popeye head. Well, maybe it can handle anything. Look at all the drugs she did. And the cutting. And sex with Billy Bob Thornton. Bitch might actually be invincible.

More Of This Shit

Transformers 2: Rise of the Fan Boys' Penises Every Time Megan Fox Sticks Her Tits Out tops my list of movies not to see in 2009. Won't matter of course - shit will still make a gazillion dollars and there will be a flood of publicity appearances by that tattooed slut and Shia LaBeouf who will hand out random bits of himself that fell off after his accident. Here's a suggestion...how about we go one year without any idiotic expensive Hollywood blockbusters being released? I'm still not over all the bullshit from this summer and it's only a few months until more starts coming. And don't even get me started on the Oscar hype. No, Benjamin Button is not that good. Speaking of that movie...was I the only one who was disappointed that they didn't stick a shrunken Brad Pitt head onto the baby at the end? What kind of fucking cheat was that, using a real baby. CGI that shit, man. And the stuff where they smoothed out all Cate Blanchett's wrinkles...it didn't make her look young, it made her look freaky - like Nicole Kidman without the plumper.

Avoiding the Stress

Barry the Magic Negro has been in Hawaii unwinding since that whole becoming President thing came down on his head. That's fine with me...let him have a few more weeks of semi-normalcy before he has to lock himself up in the White House and try to untangle the hideous knots that last bastard tied this country up in for eight years. I have my doubts that Barry is up to the task but whatever. We're all going to die of some terrible thing soon anyway so fuck it.

New Look

I didn't realize this was Kim Kardashian right away. I thought it was some other Mediterranean-looking rich slut with nothing better to do than parade around all day shopping and sticking her ass in the air for the cameras. I hope she's keeping one eye out for Courtney Love who she accused of being a liar last week after Courtney accused her brother of beating up Brody Jenner's gay friend for no good reason. Courtney would beat this bitch down then scalp her. Fuck, I'd pay money to see that.

Pudging Up

Daniel Craig no longer has rock-hard abs. He saw Hugh Jackman's and decided he would just concede. That last James Bond movie was so bad I almost asked for my money back. It was still better than any of the Bourne movies.

The Bit That Never Ends

There will apparently never be any end to the pictures of Katie Holmes toting Suri around New York. Is Katie still in that play or is this what she does all day? I like Suri's shoes...if she taps them together three times and says "There's no place like home" will she end up back in Katie's womb or in the Andromeda Galaxy somewhere?

Mr. Normal

What the hell's the matter with Kanye West? I expect eccentricity and weirdness from this guy, not normal. Put on some wacky sunglasses or something Kanye. Smack a photographer. Go off on a rant against George Bush. Shave your head and paint it hot pink and change your name to Sultan Kanye Macadamia III of Gondwanaland. Amuse me, bitch.

Courtney To PETA: Eat Me

Courtney Love doesn't want PETA telling her what she can and can't wear. In her latest blog rant Courtney said:

Yep, I'm a fur whore. If it's 100 years old I'm fucking into it. Sorry PETA. I've been very, very good for a very, very long time, and this ermine is ancient and tattered and feels like it belonged to a Queen. I know, I know. Maybe I'll just stare at it, but fuck off if I wear it, I KNOW what I'm doing.

She knows what she's doing except when she's totally bombed out of her mind on drugs which is all the time. Well, she was lucid enough to tell PETA to go fuck themselves, wasn't she? Good for Courtney. Now where did I put my polar bear skin slippers?

Oh Crap, No

Is there some store where old half-senile Jews can just buy Oriental kids? Okay, I give - it's his daughter. That probably wouldn't stop him but, whatever...I should cease before it creeps into defamation. Oh screw that...he's got that kid on his lap even as we speak. Viagra's a curse I'm telling you. "All papas do this with their daughters in America sweetheart. It's in the Constitution right after the part about the Vice President breaking ties in the Senate." Vicky Cristina Barcelona was okay though. Javier Bardem. Yum.

Nice Crotch, Crackhead

Wino practices her death-pose. I'm guessing her real death will involve lots more puke, blood and other unidentifiable bodily fluids than this. By the way I'm sick of everyone saying she looks healthier just cause she's put on a few pounds. This woman will never look healthy by any standard. Maybe compared to Courtney Love but that's it.

How About Painting It Red With His Blood?

Puff Daddy offered the city of New York $1 million if he could paint the famous New Year's Eve ball purple in honor of Ciroc vodka which is derived from grapes instead of the usual stuff vodka is made from. Puffy apparently endorses this shit and thinks it's very important for everyone to know this including all the New Year's revelers who are drinking everything except his shitty vodka. Only problem - the city turned him down. They probably didn't tell him to go fuck himself but I would've. Maybe Puffy should try painting something else purple - like Dick Clark. Is he still living?

Lindsay and Sam Are Still Together

Sam Ronson survived trying to kill herself after her fight with Lindsay the other night and now the two of them are out on their lesbian shopping sprees buying lesbian things like glow-in-the-dark strap-ons and Carmex and snow-globes depicting Virginia Woolf walking into the river. They look so happy in that fake way that people do when they're not happy but for some reason think they have to put on an act for the cameras. I don't personally have that problem because I'm not a famous twat. I have nine of those Virginia Woolf suicide snow-globes by the way. God damn eBay addiction.

Sucky-Panted Bitches

I'm so out-of-touch with the youth culture. Apparently now dressing like an '80s whore and going roller skating are in. Headbands? Mad stranglers love those - you can just take them off the head and use them for, you know, mad strangling. Nice extensions Miley. Who's your friend? I'm not asking for me...Stephen Baldwin wants to know. He wants to get a tattoo of her. Then he wants to smell her pussy. Then yours. Then back to hers. You do realize it looks like you're wearing rubbers on your legs.

Adorable

I'm hoping they ended up in the semi-matching jackets and head-cozies by accident, cause if it was on purpose? Gag me. With a spork. By the way Jake...thanks for all the wet-dreams.

Give Us Some Myocardial Infarction Music, Paul

Somebody buy Letterman a treadmill or a stationary bike or something. Seriously...this is just embarrassing. Dude is a television icon - he can't be seen jogging around like some health-conscious Alzheimer's patient. Is that his tongue or is he puking up a cow's dick?

Kidnapper!

Dude...put out an Amber Alert or whatever for Matilda Ledger. Marky Mark kidnapped her! What the fuck, man? Hasn't that kid been traumatized enough, what with the haircut and Mary-Kate Olsen killing her daddy and everything? So not cool. P.S. Marky - when did you get so damn old?

Tiny Bear Child

What's with the little ears on the hat? Is it supposed to be cute? Seems to me that sort of thing would just end up confusing the child. If that kid grows up to shit in the woods a lot, we'll know Alba fucked it up.

John Mayer wants one of those hats really bad. He wouldn't mind wearing Alba either, probably.

Lemme Show You What to Do With That Stick...

Hugh Jackman and his kid went to some kind of sporting event and ended up with big inflatable sticks. Now what do you do with those I wonder? The kid looks like he might have some idea, possibly not the right one.

How Did Santa Know?

All Crabbie wanted for Christmas was a big flaming feud between Courtney Love and the Kardashian family - and Santa delivered! Actually, it was Courtney who delivered...a big giant sucker-punch to Kim Kardashian's brother Rob via her MySpace blog (the one she was going to stop writing because it upset her daughter so much). According to Courtney, Rob is a violent homophobe and the LAPD doesn't care about gays being beaten up outside clubs:

hi kids, if you are expecting Santa to read you a bedtime story on this new blog, think again! what i am about to direct is something many of you can relate to, and hopefully are disgusted by..which is the icky trend of straight heterosexual males who commit hate crimes that are secretly in the closet, yes, Rob Kardashian the son of the discgr3aceful Robert Kardashian who represented a cold blooded murderer and made lots and lots of money..well rob jr cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my GUY was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside hyde lounge closed, then right after yelling the words "FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!" Rob JR punched my guys in the face. My guy has 3 witnesses who saw rob jump out of the SUV and because of the fact that he works for me, a woman of power, you broke his nose and caused blood to shed, well lets fast forward shall we...the guy who works for me did not file a police report that night cause he did not need tmz's camera's outside this trendy nightclub to cause any more FUCKERY to what was suppose to be a birthday celebration, instead he came back to LAPD later and they told him to fold up his police report into a origami and hang it on his door.

Of course you would expect the Kardashians to respond to such a vicious attack, and they didn't disappoint. Here's what Kim posted on her official website:

Courtney Love wrote a disturbing blog this morning that is obviously very untrue...

Ms. Love immaturely called my brother Rob names and accused him of physically assaulting her “employee” at Hyde nightclub, breaking his nose.

This is TOTALLY FALSE!

A lot of what she wrote doesn’t even make much sense and doesn’t follow a clear train of thought... At one point she says Brody was there too and that someone yelled discriminatory expletives against gay people, but I honestly can’t figure out who she is accusing because her writing is so bad.

All I know is that both Brody and Rob didn’t do anything close to what Ms. Love has described.

My entire family’s response is this: We are so saddened to hear that someone is blogging this insanity on Christmas Eve. Everything this person writes is obviously untrue and we will forward this terrible nonsense to our attorneys. Merry Christmas!

Kim is the daughter of famed O.J. attorney Robert Kardashian, but obviously, she didn't learn any tricks from her father, otherwise she would've thought up something a little meatier than the "I can write slightly more coherently than Courtney therefore I'm right and she's wrong" defense. She might as well have just said she was smarter because she has a bigger ass. I'm sure Courtney will have some deliciously incomprehensible response to Kim's response. By the way, I'm not necessarily on the side of the allegedly wronged gay Courtney Love employee here. Yes he was the apparent victim of a homophobic attack and that's wrong, but then again, he was hanging out with Brody Jenner, which makes it sort of difficult for me to sympathize with him. And by the way...does Brody have something he wants to tell us?

Royal Rug Burn

Prince William is having trouble growing hair on top of his head so he decided to grow some on the bottom. It's not the worst beard I've seen.

Worthless Baby

Ashlee Wentz and Pete Simpson failed in their efforts to sell pictures of their baby Kimchee the Jungle Boy, so they put some on the web for free, claiming they were offered big bucks but declined. Cause they have principles. Same as Tara Reid when she refuses to blow men for coke.

Scientists Discover New Species

Scientists combing a tropical beach discovered this revolting specimen - some kind of half-human, half-crab - and named it Donatella Versace. If you see one coming, just try not to vomit on the person next to you. I will never eat beef jerky again as long as I live.

Back Up The Moving Van...

Sam Ronson went into the hospital Sunday for "exhaustion" and now we know why: She had a huge fight with wife Lindsay Lohan that included glass being broken and, according to neighbors, lots of obscenity. No doubt, Ronson wanted to lay a good suicide guilt-trip on Lohan after it was over. Those are the best. "I swear to God I'll swallow this whole thing of pills and all this booze and slit my throat you fucking bitch!" Good times.

Spreading Holiday Annoyance

How long does it take Mariah Carey to get herself ready before she goes out the door. A week? How many stylists does this bitch have on-hand? And she still looks like warmed-over shit.

Merry Fucking Christmas Bitches

...and to all a good night (of booze and butt-sex).

Where's A Shark When You Need One

American Idol is coming back. This gives me a chance to extend my streak of never watching American Idol. If there's justice in the universe, Simon Cowell will have to spend his next life as a head-shaped boil sticking out of Paula Abdul's hairy ass.

Just Show Them Into The Pharoah's Tomb, Kate

Kate Beckinsale is hot to play Catwoman in the third Batman movie (the one that's not going to have Eddie Murphy as The Riddler and Shia LaBeouf as Robin). Apparently Kate thinks she hasn't done enough films that require her to wear really tight vinyl and do cartwheels while shooting machine guns. Does she know there are no vampires in Batman? I honestly don't know who would bore me more as Catwoman - Beckinsale or Rachel Weisz. At least with Weisz we wouldn't get inundated with interviews about vaginas during the lead-up to the release.

Who Needs Two Arms Anyway?

Pete Doherty has had to cancel gigs after his arm reportedly exploded from too much of whatever drug Pete is on being shot into it. Who knew something bad could happen from constantly jabbing yourself in the veins with needles? Hey, I've got an idea - why don't I take this hammer and smack myself in the head with it over and over? Oh, goodness, that gave me a headache. Didn't see that one coming. Hmm...maybe next I'll throw myself off this tall building. Oh, wait a second, I'm going to die when I hit the ground. Should've thought that one through better...

Spicy Dick

The dude in the very back is supposedly Madonna's new Brazillian boy-toy. He's some kind of model Vadge met on a photoshoot. She is said to be "smitten" with him which means they're having hot animal sex at every opportunity and at least one of them is enjoying it. The picture was taken at some club in Sao Paolo and apparently Madonna ordered the guy to stay away from her until they were inside but everyone knew they were together anyway. I have no idea who the coked up dude is in front of boy toy and no I'm pretty sure the bald Road Warrior-looking freak isn't Boy George since I think he's still locked up some place.

Santa Got His Azz Kicked

"I told Santa I wanted some cool jeans for Christmas but that old jolly bastard only brought me these old-man jeans and I had to go find his ass at the North Pole and beat him down like I used to do back when I was a hard-core white rapper punk bad-ass and we rolled drunks every night and slapped our bitches around word to ya mutha."

A Horrific Example Of Seashore Pollution

It's really disgusting what humanity is doing to our beautiful beaches and seashores - tossing a bunch of garbage around and polluting the environment and making everyone sick. There need to be stricter laws.

Why All The Hostility John?

Jennifer Aniston has been in New York humping both John Mayer and her new movie Marley and Me (it's a toss-up which is a more painful duty). Normally Jen would bring her dogs with her on such an excursion but this time she left them in L.A. because, well, Mayer hates them, and Jen is so desperate to hold onto him that she'll do pretty much anything he says including get injections in her lips. Kind of sad seeing a woman like Aniston make a doormat out of herself just in the name of dick. I mean, jeez Jen, it's really not that hard. The guy doesn't like your dogs, you go get yourself a new man who does like them, or you just fuck the dogs. Or, you know, you could always shoot yourself.

Dawn Of The Katies

Katie Holmes now resembles some sad, eccentric old rich person who can barely get from the door to the car without assistance and needs someone to chew her food for her and spit it into her mouth so she won't die. Think she's still happy she married Tom? Uh...no. It ruined her career, her life and apparently her health. And the worst mistake she ever made was having Suri cause now he's got that to hold over her forever. "If you leave me you will never see your child again." Tom's such a drama-queen. He also knows exactly what he's doing. He used this bitch like toilet paper.

Exhaustion. Uh-Huh.

Samantha Ronson checked into Cedars-Sinai hospital yesterday afternoon and was treated for exhaustion, which as we know is celeb code for drug overdose, possibly deliberate. No, it wouldn't surprise me at all to find out Ronson tried to do herself in. Her relationship with Lindsay Lohan is clearly on the rocks, and Ronson knows that when that ends, the party comes to a screeching halt for her. Unless she thinks she can get by on her looks. That was a joke. Bitch is uglier than the love child of Perez Hilton's swollen asshole and Cisco Adler's pendulous balls.

Funny

Gallery of the Absurd came up with this amusing bit - Touched By A BrANGELina decorative collector plates, featuring everyone's favorite perfect Hollywood couple and their ethnically-diverse brood. "See how they sparkle with the love of Brad and Angie," it says. Yes indeed.

He's Fucked-Up On The Inside Too

Michael Jackson is supposedly suffering from a genetic disorder that has caused him to develop emphysema and asshole bleeding (just like Amy Winehouse!) and it's said he will die if he doesn't get a lung transplant. I believe the whole lung disease thing but I don't buy the story about the genetic disorder. Dude's lungs ain't fucked up from no bad genes boys - it's from him inhaling himself all these years. You try living with Michael Jackson 24/7 and see what kind of shape your respiratory and gastrointestinal systems end up in, little homies.

Oh Stop

Yeah - Obama just happened to walk outside with no shirt on, completely oblivious to the presence of the dude with the camera. Sure Barry. And you can rebuild the entire country's infrastructure and pull us out of the financial crisis and fix the health care system without raising taxes through the roof. You really must be a magic negro.

Inner-Doof

Dita Von Teese seldom lets her guard down but here we can see right through her whole carefully-maintained facade to the doofy real person she's been running from all her life. Big toothy sideways smiles always do it.

Shrek Cops A Feel

Where is Shrek's other hand? I know where Shrek's other hand is. Nice to see Robin Williams is getting steady work. Those ears look like they'd be good for things other than hearing. I've always wanted it in the ass from an ogre's ear. Not really though.

Bye Bye Mop

Twilight fandom is all a-twitter over Robert Pattinson's decision to shear his famously incorrigible and seldom-washed locks in favor of the date-rapist jock circa 1961 born somewhere near Topeka and can't wait to get into a fraternity at Kansas State where the girls are easy look. He has a job waiting for him at his dad's Chevy dealership when he gets out of school, by the way.

Alba's Child Is Also Pissy

Jessica Alba is a pissy woman and her child is pissy and I'm guessing everyone else in that family is pissy including Cash Warren who no longer thinks fucking an allegedly beautiful movie star is worth paying any price.

Opera Brat

Bet you a fiver Sandler has his kid doing his old routines and thinks it's adorable and everyone else just wants to run away and hide. "Oh good - Hanukkah Song. Again. Leonard Nimoy? Really?" He's still got a long way to go to be as obnoxious as Jaden Smith.

Night Of The Living Katies

I kinda suspected that living with Tom Cruise was no picnic but I had no idea it could lead someone to look this ravaged at the tender age of 30. Doesn't he let her sleep? And the cold sores - ew. I think a commando raid rescue operation is in order.

The Happy Couple

Angelina's gonna be so jealous when she sees this. You know she totally has a thing for Mayer and it just drives her nuts that Jen gets to swallow his cum and she doesn't.

Giant Doof

Is it possible to be a bigger doofus than Kanye West? No, it's not.

He Can't Even Fake It Well

Zac Efron fulfills a contractual obligation by delivering toys to a children's hospital. Jeez Zac, you think you could muster a little enthusiasm? How you gonna make it as an actor if you can't even fake sincerity during a photo-op with sick kids? If it were a sick bottle of conditioner - then you'd care, wouldn't ya?

Paris Ripped Off

Someone broke into Paris Hilton's house and made away with $2 million in jewelry and other shit. Maybe it's a coincidence, but one of Crabbie's secret sources just saw Brandon Davis crossing the Mexican border in a car loaded with big garbage bags.

Does This Mean The Wedding's Off?

The momma of Bristol Palin's pot-smoking, hockey-playing baby daddy Levi has been busted on a drug offense. Sherry Johnston, 42 of Asscrack, Alaska, was arrested Thursday after coppers with a warrant went through her house as part of an undercover drug investigation. Specifics have yet to be revealed but it's possible bitch was operating a meth lab. I'm sure the Palins will have no problem welcoming Levi into their family in spite of this. They're tolerant sorts, dontcha know. Plus they don't want their meth supply being cut off. Sarah gots to have her candy.

Guess The Celebrity Pinhead

Who is this braving the snow in their fashionable Louis Vuitton scarf? I'll make it easy for you: She reeks of desperation and her new movie is going to be a tremendous flop. Yes...it's Jen. Manless, as always.

All I Want For Christmas Is...

...Hugh Jackman. Come on Santa. Make it happen for the Crabster this year. Otherwise I'll tell everyone about that drunken night in Portland. Wow - I'm trying to blackmail Santa. How low can I go?

That Thin, Wild Mercury Sound

Jeremy Piven dropped out of some play he was doing in New York, alleging mercury poisoning as the culprit. This bizarro claim elicited lots of skepticism if not downright doubt from people, which got back to Piven who elaborated on his original lie by saying the mercury deal was caused by eating too much sushi. Thanks for clearing thinks up Pivster. I'm sure this will quiet all the whispers that you are a raging drug addict who had to quit the show and slink off to rehab.

Where's PETA When You Need Them?

Who thinks this kind of shit is okay? Carrying a dog around like a thing of Tic Tacs or a phone or a spare butt-plug? Dear Hilary Swank and all other animal-toting assholes: The dog is not happy to be shoved in the bag and carried around. I know it probably acts happy with its little tongue all hanging out but that's just because it's a dog. They always act happy cause they want to please you. The dog is actually miserable and deep down in its doggy heart it hates you.

More Lies

Various outlets claimed an ambulance had rolled into the Jolie-Pitt compound yesterday in the midst of Brad's 45th birthday celebrations and hauled away an elderly man. This led to all sorts of speculation about what could've happened, who the old man could've been, why anyone would care etc., Now it turns out all that was for naught. TMZ says the ambulance actually went to a neighbor's house and carried away a 100-year-old guy who had nothing to do with Brad, Angie or anyone else famous or important. So, basically, who gives a shit.

Too Bad There Was No Wood-Chipper

Long-balled Cisco Adler lived out part of his rock and roll dream by getting arrested after a bar brawl in Fargo, North Dakota early Thursday morning. The fight allegedly started after Adler, who was at the joint "performing," punched a bar employee in the nose. He was booked, posted $500 bail and walked. I'll say this about Cisco - he must be serious about the whole music thing to be playing bars in Fargo.

I Viddy A Merzky Ptitsa

Why is Christina Aguilera dressed up as a droog? Because her husband had a Clockwork Orange-themed birthday party. What the fuck kind of messed up nazz has a Clockwork Orange-themed birthday party? One with lots of pretty polly to throw away, my brothers.

Not A Happy Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of the death of comedian Chris Farley, who collapsed while chasing a hooker around his room at the end of a four-day drug-spree. No, he did not die with a giant pork chop on his head - I put that there because the real picture is way too gross. Speaking of which...has anyone yet explained exactly what that foamy shit was coming out of his mouth? It's a mystery to me - sort of like Farley's whole career. I never got it myself. Big fat guy blunders around, breaks furniture, yells. Ha ha?

They Endure

I really can't believe Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey are still together. My money was on murder-suicide, but, maybe they're not as crazy as I thought. Well, McCarthy knows how to cure autism, so maybe she also knows how to cure insufferableness. Actually, no - he's still insufferable. I guess some people like that. Hey, somebody married Tom Arnold didn't they?

Hail This, Bitch

Where's Paul Sculfor? I'm only asking cause Jen wanted to know. Diaz has that aura about her now - that I'm Being Well-Fucked By a Hot Man aura. Maybe her skin will finally clear up.

Gaywad

Is Brad trying to tease us by making us think he's gone full-gay? Or has he actually gone full-gay? If he shaved the moustache and grew his hair, he could easily pass for some eccentric Manhattan recluse Garbo-type. People would make trips to New York just hoping to catch a glimpse of him. He'd be all elusive and mythic - like the Yeti or a good Adam Sandler movie.

It's The Office Not The Orifice

Jessica Alba is making a guest-appearance on The Office. She will be playing a young, naive woman everyone wants to fuck but no one respects.
It's based on her real life. Except the naive part. I wouldn't have guessed she could hold coffee and talk on the phone at the same time. I'm already impressed.

They Say It's Your Birthday...

Katie Holmes allegedly turned 30 today. I would've guessed 45. I wonder what Tom bought her. A nice oil-change? Tires? New mudflaps?

Stop Messing With Me

British tab The Sun took time off from documenting Lily Allen's every move to announce that Eddie Murphy has been chosen to play The Riddler in the highly-anticipated third installment of the Batman series. Director Christopher Nolan had originally wanted Johnny Depp for the part but was then hit in the head with a bowling ball and got the idea to cast Murphy. The same story says boring Oscar-winner Rachel Weisz will play Catwoman - not Cher as had been deliciously rumored. And for Robin? Of course...Shia LaBeouf. Won't be any vaguely homo-erotic energy between him and Christian Bale. Why not just go totally lametastic and cast Kevin Federline as the Penguin?

Boobs Likes Helpin' Folk

Boobs went on Jay Leno last night to promote her dumb-ass new movie The Spirit. Somehow the conversation turned to the cold she claims she got from co-star Samuel L. Jackson (breathing on her boobs?). Overcome by a sneeze and the spirit of giving, Boobs blew her snot into a tissue then told Jay she was going to auction it off for charity, and proceeded to seal the snotty tissue in a ziplock to protect it from contamination. The snot rag has since been put on eBay and at last report the bidding was up to $2000. Boobs should've rubbed the tissue against her boobs instead - the bidding would be up to $3 billion by now, just from Woody Allen.

Keanu Doesn't Like Stuff

Keanu Reeves is some kind of Luddite. The actor says he doesn't have a computer, has no interest in the internet and still writes all his letters on a typewriter. "I prefer a typewriter," Reeeves explains. "I enjoy the sensation of sitting down and taking time to think about what I want to say." Evidently, sitting in front of a computer to type immediately cripples ones capacity to cogitate. Must be all those rays coming out of the monitor or the little microscopic bugs jumping up from the keyboard into our brains. Thankfully, we have Keanu to do all the heavy intellectual lifting for us with his typewriter and his pipe and his Victrola playing Rachmaninoff in the background. Yup. That's just what it's like.

Tom Cruise, Top 10 List Reader

Tom Cruise is really going all-out with this "Please Forgive Me For Being A Religious Wingnut Who Wants To Take Over The World" campaign. Memo to Tom: It ain't going to help the box office for your hideous new movie Valkyrie. That thing is a flop waiting to happen. And that list is lame. The craziest thing anyone ever said about you on the internet was that you were sane.

I Wonder How Much Michael Paid Him

This unnamed loser was arrested outside some joint called the Jackrabbit Lounge after he allegedly went batshit at the sight of Lindsay Lohan and her husband Sam Ronson. The dude is apparently deeply obsessed with Lohan and was trying to get rid of Ronson so he could snatch Lindsay and take her away to his secret hide-out and have his sick twisted way with her. Sam and Lindz were interviewed by the cops but said they didn't even realize anything was going on. They returned later to retrieve the drugs they tossed into the bushes.

Pair O' Davids

Becks: "I wish my hair was as swooshy as yours David."

Arquette: "Don't worry my lad. One day it will be."

Becks: "Thanks. Maybe we could swap wives one day."

Arquette: "I don't know Becks. Are you sure mine would come back?"

Becks: "Not a problem bro. I have a memory-eraser. Tom gave it to me. I zap myself with it after I have sex with Victoria. Courteney will never know what hit her, if you know what I mean."

Arquette: "Cool. Only thing is, it'll have to be a three-way for you."

Becks: "Aniston again?"

Arquette: "Can't get rid of the bitch. We tried moving but she just found us like one of those dogs that follows its master all the way across the country."

Becks: "You know I know some people. I could take care of that for you."

Arquette: "I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was getting lost in your eyes."

Among The Lifted?

Page 6 dropped this blind item today:

Which still-sexy actress, who has a daughter now getting ingenue roles, is facing reality? She finally had her first face-lift last week.

Let's hope Demi didn't go to the same person who did Nicole Kidman. Scary scary stuff.

Boobs

Scarlett Johansson wants to torture us all again by releasing a follow-up to her critically panned album Anywhere I Lay My Boobs, which featured the actress's covers of Tom Waits tunes buried in enough electronic noise to almost distract you from the fact that she can't sing. This time, though, Scarlett plans on doing only original songs. And her boobs are going to do a duet called "Hey Bub, Down Here."

Phill-ip Out

Ryan Phillippe and his big-boned Aussie woman Abbie Cornish were trying to navigate their drunken way home from some shindig the other night in Sydney when a whole bunch of paps gave up waiting for a kangaroo fight to break out and descended on them instead. This did not go over well with Ryan who immediately began yelling stuff like"We're tired and I'm drunk!" and also shouting expletives and trying to punch people in that pitiful way drunks have when they can't figure out which of the six people they see is the real one. The whole thing unfortunately ended with no charges being filed. The paps still got their pictures. Abbie apparently thought the whole thing was funny. Of course she's Australian, so she also thinks crushing beer cans against one's forehead is funny.

Have We Learned Nothing From Tom Cruise?

A star is speaking out against anti-depressants, and this time it isn't Tom Cruise, it's Jim Carrey, who was apparently on Prozac for awhile but gave it up. "At the risk of like opening up the whole Tom Cruise Prozac argument, you know, I don't disagree in many ways," Carrey said. "I think Prozac and things like that are very valuable to people for short periods of time. But I believe if you're on them for an extended period of time, you never get to the problem. You never get to see what the problem is, because everything is just kind of OK. And so, you don't deal. And people deal when they get desperate." Dear Jim - when haven't you been desperate? Your whole career has been one huge act of desperation. Talking with your buttcheeks? Take the Crabster's advice - go with the Prozac. You'll thank me.

Shut The Hell Up You Emo Fag

Pete Wentz went on with Howard Stern and proudly revealed that Ashlee Simpson is great in the sack. Well Pete, she should be, after all the practice she got with Papa Joe. Seriously though...what the fuck is with this guy? All he does is flap his yap and flash his idiot face around for the sake of press run. Isn't he supposed to be a musician? Doesn't he have a horrible album to record? Isn't there some dumb-ass indie film director willing to cast this fucker and take him off to Canada or someplace for a few weeks just so we can get a fucking break? How does a buffoon like this ever get it into his head that people give a fuck about him in the first place? And as for Howard Stern...what are you, seventy? The world has heard enough fart jokes. You can retire now.

Dear Rumer...

There's hope for you, hon.

No Strangled-Hamster Shrieking For Us

There was a rumor going around that Nicole Richie planned on recording an album with Rihanna, but now that has been shot down by Nicole's rep. "While Nicole respects Rihanna and thinks she is immensely talented, she is not currently working on an album and hence, not currently working with Rihanna as has been recently reported," said the flack. This is disappointing news, but, there's still a way you can hear what Nicole's record would've sounded like: Just take a rodent and start twisting and pulling on it. Don't do this anywhere near your PETA-humping friends and for God's sake if it starts pooping or bleeding or its eyes pop out, stop.

Because They're Better Than You

You may have been sitting there wondering to yourself what the Jolie-Pitt family does for Christmas. Well, now you don't have to wonder anymore, because I'm going to tell you: They exchange gifts. But of course, because they're them, they do not exchange normal gifts. Instead of going out to Wal-Mart to buy a lot of crap like the rest of us, these blessed beings create little home-made pieces of crap and give them to each other. Aw, isn't that fantastic? Of course it wouldn't fly if the kids didn't already have everything in the world including people to wait on them hand-and-foot. For normals it would be like, "Oh, thanks dad...a little angel made from tissue paper. This is way better than a dirtbike. You cheap motherfucker." Aren't you sickened by your inferiority now?

10 Years Is A Long Time

They were an adorable couple in Titanic 10 years ago. And now? They're the people you avoid at parties.

Today In No Shit, Sherlock News

I don't mean to ruin anyone's day here, but it appears Justin Gaston might not really dig Miley Cyrus, and might only be using the little freak to advance his career. A source "close to Justin" busted the underwear model on this whole alleged Miley scheme, saying, "He’s got more modelling jobs since he’s been with Miley and is telling people they’re writing songs together so her fans will get interested in his music. You start to think he’s in this for fame." Naw, he's in it for the snatch. Just not Miley's.

The New Angelina?

Don't worry, she didn't keep any of them - she just handed out some food courtesy of Netflix. The food was all scratched and full of fingerprints.

Aussie Yuks

Can one properly play a didgeridoo when one is unable to manipulate one's lips? The host would rather play with Hugh's didgeridoo I bet.

Leave Her Alone You Vultures!

Tara Reid has checked herself into rehab and of course the paps are scrambling to get pictures. Sign #332 that the world has gone off the rails: Someone is willing to pay money for pictures of Tara Reid on a cig-break at rehab. The madness!!!!

Of Course This Couldn't Possibly Be True

Page 6 says that Jennifer Aniston was so worried about being manless when her new movie Marley and Me comes out this Christmas against Brad Pitt's Benjamin Butthole thing that she had her people out trying to drum up a boyfriend she could walk the red carpet with. "She didn't want to face the glare of being unattached while Brad Pitt toted Angelina Jolie around," a source claims. This all became moot of course when Jen got back together with John Mayer. And why did she get back together with John Mayer? True love? Or this raging complex she has about competing with Angelina? My God, when will this woman just learn to let it go? Seriously...she is sick. I don't think even Dr. Drew can fix what's wrong with this ho. She needs lots and lots of therapy or drugs. Or Scientology. Fuck, even Scientology isn't strong enough. She needs some of those Carrie Fisher shock treatments.

You Ain't Using It For Anything Anyway Hon...

Angry queen Elton John will attack anyone at any time, either verbally or physically. The other night at one of his shows (he still has them and people apparently still go) the bitter old wretch spewed his venom at the British talent show The X Factor, claiming he'd rather "have his cock bitten off by an Alsatian" than watch it. Is that a proposal for a new reality show? Cause I'd tune into that one for sure. Elton John whips it out and waves it around in front of a rabid dog. Does the dog bite it off or does Elton wind up fucking the dog? Sharon Osbourne would have to be a judge. Jack could be the dog.

Cruise Control

Cruise Control. That's clever right? Eh...I got nothing on this. I didn't watch the video. You can if you want. Hey, you guys saw that dude throw his shoes at Bush, right? God damn, that's one crazy fucker. The shoe-thrower I mean. He's lucky that pussy Barack Obama is coming into office soon, otherwise he would've been in a world of hurt. Dick Cheney-style hurt. Waterboarding. Skin-peeling. High cholesterol. Face-shooting. All that stuff.

Katy Perry Is Christmas Tree Lame

Occasionally I see a picture of Katy Perry in one of her get-ups and I almost chuckle. But then I don't. I'm sure if we look closely at the ornaments on her costume we'll see some witty references or little inside-jokes. And then we will reproach ourselves for bothering.

Slow Down Hon

Just Jared is reporting "exclusively" (nobody else cared) that Naomi Watts gave birth yesterday to her second child. Now, Crabbie can reveal exclusively that Naomi is already pregnant with her third. Congrats Naomi. P.S. - Love what the Botox is doing for you.

Iraqis Can't Throw For Shit

Some Iraqi doof chucked his shoes at George Bush during a press conference in Baghdad. Good thing it wasn't Richard Reid or there might've been real trouble. Check out the reflexes on Bush too. Not bad for an old man.

Phantom Of The Wackopera

This is how Michael Jackson goes out in public now. It's easy to make fun of the guy for being insane but, you know, it's just possible he's doing us all a favor. I mean, maybe the mask is there for a reason. Maybe what's under the mask is so disturbing that we should just be grateful the mask is there and move on.

Happy Ending

Denise Richards's two miserable kids are said to be fine after getting in a car accident with their nanny. The wreck involved four vehicles and reportedly began when the SUV driven by the nanny was cut off by another vehicle not driven by Britney Spears. The kids were spared injury because they were in their car seats. That's cause the nanny was driving. Had Denise been driving the kids would've been flung from the vehicle and off a cliff into the ocean to be rescued by passing Polynesian fisherman in an outrigger canoe. I don't know why the Polynesians were anywhere near California.

Not A Horrible Idea

The Oscars have dumped Jon Stewart for this year and will go with Hugh Jackman, who has award ceremony hosting experience from doing the Tonys a couple of times. I'm officially declaring myself down with this selection. Hugh's much nicer to look at than Stewart and he can do song-and-dance numbers and deliver lines crisply and suavely. Plus this should mean fewer lame-ass political jabs. Really Jon? George Bush is stupid? I hadn't a clue until you made that joke about it. Thanks.

Putting The Blow Back In The Blow

Gatecrasher offers this tantalizing blind item:

Which rehabbed starlet convinced a group of college kids to bring her a big bag of powder? She hoarded all the drugs for herself before kicking the kids out of her hotel. But the crew had the last laugh - they stole her entire liquor stash as they left.

Her entire liquor stash? What, did they have pack-mules with them?

Someone Stop Him

Tom Cruise went on Jay Leno and did a lame Elvis impersonation. Yes Tom we know, you're trying to make us forget about the whole Scientology crackpot thing. You have a movie coming out and you're afraid it will flop. You want us to see you as happy-go-lucky Tom. As if this will help your box office. The smell of desperation is coming off you like the reek from a rotting carcass. Maybe you should just consider quitting movies and devoting yourself full-time to your cult leader activities. Then it won't matter what we all think of you. Until the FBI has to storm the compound.

Free Harry

Page 6 says that Daniel Radcliffe's parents make him come home by 1 am and have hired a chaperone to go with him everywhere. This would be fantastic if he were 16 but he is in fact 19 which makes it bizarre to the point of being sick. Let the kid go you hovering helicopter freak parents. If you did a good job of raising him then you won't have anything to worry about. And if you didn't? No amount of curfew-imposing and chaperone-hiring is going to help. He's eventually going to get free of you and turn into the male Lindsay Lohan and it will be all your fault. Wack-jobs.

Boob Goop

Gwyneth Paltrow may have finally had something done about those pitiful boobies of hers. People who study such things - in other words perverts - have been looking closely at recent pictures of Gwynnie and they say she has had some augmentation. "She didn't use to have anything up top," one creep said. "Now she does, and they are perky." Well I'm gonna take this guy's word for it. Looking at Paltrow for longer than three seconds makes me want to goop on myself. From multiple orifices.

Bolton Booted

Michael Bolton was so in love with Nicolette Sheridan that he moved out of his Connecticut home and bought a place in L.A. with her for $4.4 million. Unfortunately, Sheridan threw him out after two days and now wants him to let her keep the house without her paying him for his half. And he's also reportedly put his original home up for sale, leaving him without a place to stay. And all this happened after they'd been engaged for over 2 years. That wasn't enough time for him to figure out what an evil bitch she is? This redefines thinking with your dick. Also...Michael, everyone knows you're bald dude. Just stop.

Wrong Approach

Gatecrashers says Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are on the verge of a break-up and are currently "holed up" in their London home trying to fix it. No...wrong guys. If you want to fix your marriage, the last thing you should do is hole up anywhere together. People break up because they can no longer stand the sight, smell and sound of each other...so the solution surely isn't to spend even more time in each other's presence. Right? Very silly. And kind of surprising considering Gwyneth's status as the wisest and most knowing person in the history of the world.

Is She Slow?

Miley Cyrus is already 16 and she only has her learner's permit? Don't most kids get their permit when they're 15 and then their license after they turn 16? Didn't all that practice on daddy's tractor translate? Or is Miley just, you know, a little slow in the learnin'. The big one in the middle is the brake, Miley. You know, brakes? For stoppin'?

A Poke From Lando Would've Been Better

Carrie Fisher says she needed electro-shock therapy to get herself out of depression, and now she heartily endorses the procedure. "I didn't want to do it for years," the one-time actress explains. "They wanted me to do it before, because I was in a depression, which was medication proof. You don't have a convulsion anymore, so it should just be called electro therapy. But it worked so well, I highly recommend it, even if you don't need it!" What sent her spiraling into that depression in the first place? When she found out Han was gay? The trauma of being anally fucked by Jabba the Hutt? The rug burn she got on her tongue from sucking off Chewbacca?

Nice Gut Kate

Katie's gettin' a gut. Tom's not gonna like this. "If I ever catch you eating one of these Little Debbie cupcakes again I'm going to scold you harshly and then rip open the box and eat them all myself just to show you what a pig you are!"

So Very Desperate

Jennifer isn't in much hurry to shed her nagging aura of desperation is she? Earth to Jen - Doesn't matter what you do; people will always think Angelina is hotter and more interesting. Maybe you could try starving yourself down to 80 pounds, having random quotes tattooed on your body and making out with family members in public? It would be a start.

Get Lost Losers

Pete Simpson and Ashlee Wentz have been shopping pictures of their baby Mowgli the Jungle Boy around to celeb rags but so far no one has been willing to bite. "Covers of them tend not to sell well," one unnamed source explained. Poor Mowgli the Jungle Boy - not even hardly born yet and already getting dragged down by his loser parents. Maybe he could petition to be adopted by Angelina. With a name like Mowgli, he should be in good shape.

Worst Nomination Ever

How the fuck did Tom Cruise get nominated for a supporting actor Golden Globe for Tropic Thunder? That movie wasn't funny and Tom was pitiful. Oh, he dressed up in a fat suit and bald-cap and swore a lot and danced around. But he was playing against type! He's a "dramatic" actor doing comedy! And he danced! And wore a fat-suit! Beyond stupid. If he gets an Oscar nomination too...well, forget it. Just beyond lame. Here are all the nominees if you care. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are both nominated and Kate Winslet is nominated in just about every category. If there were a category for Most Bitching About Her Pictures Being Photoshopped she would win that hands down. By the way Kate...you need your pictures photoshopped. You should be grateful there are artists who can work on you and make you appear thin and beautiful when in reality you are a fat ugly British troll.

Cow Knocked Up

Anything Hollywood says Mariah Carey was seen leaving an ob/gyn with a print-out from a sonogram, which would tend to indicate that she is pregnant. Or maybe she just likes sneaking into ob/gyns and rooting around in the garbage for sonogram print-outs? I'm shocked Mariah doesn't have her own sonogram machine, personally. If Tom Cruise can have one, why can't she? I personally can't imagine the level of insufferableness Mariah will achieve if she is in fact pregnant. That's off the charts. Way beyond J-Lo level even.

Happy At Last

Why is the legendarily surly Jessica Alba so happy? Cause she has a baby...which means she finally has someone she can talk to. Of course that will all end when the baby learns to form complete sentences. Then Alba will have to go back to her See 'n Say.

Going Out With A Bang

Liz Taylor gets her kicks these days by dressing up as a cowgirl and hanging out in gay bars. I'm sure the fags are thrilled to see Liz come wheeling in. They give her lapdances and Ecstasy. She re-enacts scenes from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Snap. Nice to see her not moldering away in some nursing home or marrying David Gest. Might as well play out the string, eh Liz? That's why God gave us colostomy bags.

Just Keep Them Away From Uncle Michael

Janet Jackson has been telling her friends that she's pregnant. So that means she's either knocked up or is just really a jerk to her friends. I hope Janet knows that, if she has a little boy, Uncle Michael is not a good option as a babysitter. "Come on over here and sit on my lap little nephew. Be careful with Uncle Michael's nose though." I think it's fantastic that we live in such a wondrous modern age where trannies can now have babies.

Not Rooting For A Fiery Crash Or Anything But...

I'm at the point now where I absolutely can't stand Will Smith and his family. Especially that Jaden kid. That little fucker clearly needs to be taken down several pegs. Now he's going to be a child-star I suppose and we'll be looking at his stupid face and stupid hair from now until the drug overdose. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a computer or a TV or even a radio or eyes. The one saving grace here is that the girl appears far too ugly to ever get into movies. Good. She can go to MIT or something and become a physicist. World needs those too.

Still Hot?

Can't decide if Jake is still hot. Liked him better before he started sticking it to that midget Witherspoon. I could use more pictures of him with the long hair. I'm still waiting for that stranded-on-a-desert-island film starring him and Hugh Jackman. I bought a tent so I could camp out in front of the theater like some Star Wars dork.

Ashton Goes Older

Demi Moore wasn't old enough for Ashton Kutcher...he's traded her in for semi-fossilized political hustler Arianna Huffington. It was Ashton's lifelong dream to fuck someone who'd been fucked by Marshal Tito.

My Soul Just Died

Jim Carrey is still around and he's still making stupid high-concept comedies. The latest is Yesman and it's about a guy who says "no" to everything who decides he's going to say "yes" to everything. Of course this causes all sorts of wackiness but it also opens him up to life's possibilities and blahblahblah. The person who came up with this oh-so-clever idea should have to spend the rest of their life locked up in a Taco Bell with Rob Reiner. Fucking Jim Carrey. Does anyone still find this fucker funny? Besides people with massive head injuries?

Never Trust A Guy With A Haircut Like That

The governor of Illinois, Rob Blagojevich, has been arrested by federal agents who accuse him of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacated Senate seat. I wonder what made them suspect him? It couldn't have been the dickhead haircut. Seriously...even John Edwards thinks that guy's hair looks douchy. They should put this guy in a cell with Michael Vick and give Vick a whole case of Viagra.

Oprah Fat Again

Oprah says she's embarrassed because she's ballooned back up to 200 pounds. She also blames an over-active thyroid for making her "afraid" of working out. Well, I have to say...she doesn't look too good. She's clearly way more than 200 pounds and she's awfully pale and...is that a cigarette? Good God Oprah. Get it together, why don't ya?

Tobey Maguire's Bitch Will Fuck You Up

Maguire's woman looks hard-ass to me...vaguely truck-driverish, definitely some lesbian stuff in her life at one time. You think she slaps Tobey around? You think he likes it? I think he's a freak. I think he likes stuff we don't really want to know about. I think his bitch is up for anything. I think she whips out the strap-on and gives it to Tobey right in his ass...while he's wearing the Spider Man mask. "What's your Spider Sense telling you know fucker!"

It's Called Shampoo

Dear guys: I dig that you're young and hip and happenin' but do you think you could tone down the junkie-lovers bit just a little? Sid and Nancy were a long time ago and, hello, they were people someone actually gave a shit about. Plus I don't really think this one's going to end in murder. Your whole bit is so carefully cultivated and phony it actually makes me sad.

The Curious Case Of Bradley Butthole

Question: If Brad wins some kind of award for the Benjamin Buttmunch thing, will Angie immediately dump him or will she wait a decent interval? Question: When Brad gets dumped, will he seek custody of Zahara or just kidnap her? Question: If Brad Pitt moved in next door to you and started sitting in a park bench near the kids' playground, would you become suspicious? Question: Should I have the giant festering mole on my left forearm looked at or just leave it alone? Question: I should stop picking at it shouldn't I?

Yes, This Business Is Quite Risky (And Lame)

Tom digs the one with the hairy legs. God he's so hard right there. He's throbbing. He wants to throw the kid down right there on the surfboard carpet and shove it in all the way.

Dear Charo...

I guess we won't be needing you anymore. Jennifer Lopez has it covered. So you may begin decomposing now. Godspeed Charo.

To Boldly Go Where Madonna Has Gone Before...

Lindsay Lohan showed up to Sean Penn's private dinner in honor of his movie Milk and Samantha Ronson wasn't with her and guess what happened? She ended up "nuzzling" with Penn. Uh-huh. It's over. Lindsay's back on the Dick Parade. I knew she'd come to her senses sooner or later. If you want to call fucking Sean Penn "coming to your senses."

Is There Anyone Hotter Than Rachel Zoe?

I mean besides your dead grandmother who has been worm-food for a good ten years.

Fatterline Even Fatter

Fatterline should've been this fat when he met Britney. The Shitster never would've fucked him then and think of all the trouble he would've been spared. Soon Fatterline we'll be so fat someone will have to do a Discovery Channel special about him where he's stuck in his trailer and they have to cut the thing open like a sardine can to get his fat disgusting blob of an ass out and then carry him by forklift like some giant washed-up carcass to the clinic where they have to tear out a whole wall to get him into the operating room for the gastric band surgery.

Strike A Pose. Not That Pose.

Rumer the Tumor could help herself greatly by learning to avoid being photographed at this sort of angle. Not that there's any such thing as a flattering angle for this beast. Maybe the back-shot. Even then, all you can think about is the freakish chin.

Leapin' Limey

David Beckham tries out the crazy new sex harness Will Smith bought for him. Actually, no...he went bungee-jumping. He thought about Posh on the way down and for a second really wished the cord would break.

Nobody Cares

Katy Perry slays me. She's totally convinced that everyone finds her super-hot and interesting with all her wacky costumes and acting out when the truth is everyone just rolls their eyes. Poor dumb wannabe. Well, at least she's not as annoying as Avril. That's something.

Back On?

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have been photographed around a lot lately with their kids, leading to speculation that they've put all the ickiness behind them and are heading toward reconciliation. Personally, I don't think David should forgive the bitch. I wouldn't if I were him. And if I were Tea, I'm not sure I would necessarily want that balding, paunchy, no-career-having bastard back either. She's no spring-chicken anymore and who wants to waste their life on a certified horndog who's losing the hot faster than Pete Doherty shedding brain cells at a crack party? They both need to move on to greener pastures.

Snubbed By A Fake Plastic Wench

Creepy Russell Brand tried asking Dita Von Teese out on a radio show but the "burlesque queen" was having none of it. "I will not be shagging Russell Brand," Dita said during a recent red carpet appearance. "Just because I gave him my number does not mean I’ll be going on a date with him.

"I was the subject of one of his calls once, but I didn’t answer the phone thank goodness. I just saw his name come up on the screen and thought: 'I don’t think I’m going to answer that right now.'"

Wow Russell Brand. Think about that. A woman who fucked Marilyn Manson doesn't want to fuck you. Will anyone fuck you? And don't say Sienna Miller - she doesn't count. I mean will anyone fuck you who has even the slightest hint of a standard.

Mary-Kate's Womb Baby-Free

Mary-Kate Olsen made certain to smoke and drink a lot during a recent visit to an art exhibition, just so everyone would know she isn't pregnant. How many abortions was this for Mary-Kate I wonder? I'm guessing she's in double-digits by now. Could be up to 20.

She Thinks You're Idiots

Jennifer Aniston finds the public fascination with her life sickening and thinks her adoring fans are nothing but a bunch of morons. "I think it's ridiculous. There's just this insatiable need," Jen told USA Today. "I am honestly getting sick of it, and I feel like telling people, 'You know what? It's none of your fucking business.' Seriously, it's enough. It's like we're appealing to the lowest..." So there you have it. All you people who watch her every move and fawn over her and defend her - she hates you and thinks you are pathetic and disgusting. What do you think of her now? Still wanna stick up for her pitiful no-kid-having ass? Didn't think so.

Kristen Stewart Is Pothead Pretty

In this girl's defence - if I were as obviously not into the red carpet crap as she is and still had to go around acting like I wanted to be there, I would probably be baked 24/7 as well. It's either smoke or breakdown and this girl has chosen smoke and I applaud her for that.

No One Wants Heath's Death-Pad

No one wanted to pay $26,000/month to live in the SoHo apartment where Heath Ledger overdosed on Mary-Kate Olsen's pills and now the pad has been taken off the market. Even though they were willing to throw in water, heat and a paper certifying the tenant as the most morbid bastard on the face of the earth.

High-Price Holie

Angelina Jolie has supplanted Reese Witherspoon as the highest-paid actress in the world with her $15 million/per movie price tag. Well, I think that's only fair. Reese has only her own kids to think about - Angie has an entire day-care center that she drags around with her. Maintaining an image as the most caring individual in human history is not cheap. Just try it some time.

Getting On With His Life

Marilyn Manson has moved on from his break-up with Evan Rachel Wood and found a new girlfriend. Nice to see Marilyn not getting hung-up on his exes. Be a shame if he allowed some past relationship to haunt him forever. I know people who've gone their whole lives attempting to recreate something they had long ago and never succeeding and they all just wind up miserable and annoying. But Marilyn's not that type. He's all about moving forward. Growing. Exploring new and exciting orifices.

Mayer Yaps

So apparently Jennifer Aniston went on Oprah and talked about some cake she made for an Obama election night party? Missed that. Anyways, John Mayer tried to make a funny out of the cake the other night on the red carpet for that Grammy nomination fiasco, and it turned out like most of Mayer's funnies - not funny. Mayer's cake-riff:

Jen and I made that cake together... She didn't really give me any credit for that cake. I was the architect on that cake. I put a lot of my time in designing that cake. I was a good man... I shared the process. From mixing to frosting... she took all the credit.

Put the Borat bathing suit on again Mayer - that was funny. Actually no, it was gross. And while we're on the subject of cakes - you people haven't lived until you've had a special Crabbie cake, topped with Crabbie's special homemade frosting. I'll let you guess what's in the frosting. Need a hint? If some of it got in Aniston she might actually have a kid. If she paid me a couple grand I'd be happy to mix her up a batch.

Poor Boy

Boy George has been found guilty of false imprisonment for handcuffing escort Audun Carlsen and beating him with a metal chain. George is sure to receive a jail sentence for this which in his case would be better than a trip to Club Med. I do think it's sad though that we live in a world where a man can be thrown in the slammer just for being a bit kinky. What's next? Sex-dungeon raids? Prison terms for tying somebody to a bed and slapping them silly with a dead fish? No more nipple-clamps hooked up to car batteries? Slippery slope, people.

Britney's Ex-Husband Jailed. No, The Other One...

Jason Alexander, the guy who was married to Britney Spears for ten minutes yet still thinks he's an authority on the inner-workings of her twisted mind, is currently serving a 10-day jail sentence in Van Nuys stemming from a 2006 drunk driving bust. Star Magazine says the doof got locked up because he failed to complete a court-mandated rehab program. Maybe he thought Britney would use her clout to keep him out of the slammer. Dumb fucker! She doesn't even remember you dude. It's 50/50 that she remembers Federline.

Get Over Yourselves Kids

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have been on the stage for, what, five minutes? And I'm already ready for them to get off. Yes, we know, you're the hip kids. That's why you dress like you're going to a goth wedding. Kristen is basically the new Chloe Sevigny at this point, and Robert? It's like the Jonases had a half-brother who ran away from home at 15, got into some really bad stuff and came back begging for smack money.

Couple Of The Year

I have it on good authority that Mariah has to pay Nick Cannon a thousand dollars, in advance, every time she touches him. This kind of semi-snuggle costs two-grand. A kiss? Five thousand. Sex? She doesn't have that much money.

Visual Aid

"And this is how I used to cup Joe's balls...before he dumped me for that slutty South American hag!"

Laughing Through The Tears

Jennifer Aniston told Entertainment Weekly that she finds amusement in rumors about John Mayer having gotten her pregnant. "Oh my God, it's hysterical," she said. "It's almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, 'I'm pregnant!' Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!'" Yeah, I'm sure you laugh Jen. Laugh and laugh and laugh until your barren, childless womb just aches. Face it - you're just one of those people. God didn't mean you to have children. It's okay. There are lots like that. You should just try to comfort yourself. Believe that everything happens for a reason, including your freakish inability to conceive.

Only A Spears...

Star Magazine says Jamie Lynn Spears endangered the life of little unborn Maddie by getting liposuction while she was pregnant. The mag says Jamie Lynn just thought the preg-weight was regular Cheeto fat and begged her mom to let her get a blubber-suck, and her mom being a fantastic parent pulled strings and greased palms and convinced a surgeon to do the procedure on JL even though she's underaged. Apparently, no one involved in the process, including medical people, ever got clued in that JL's ballooniness might be the result of having a bun in the oven. Now do you people see why we need socialized medicine? Only many more layers of red tape can ever prevent this sort of thing from happening again. And sterilization of all members of the Spears family. And clip that pipelayer's peepee too just to be on the safe side.

No More Von Wannabe?

Evan Rachel Wood is apparently officially over Marilyn Manson. I know because she's dropped the Dita Von Wannabe act. Now she's a fake redhead instead. Next up: Vaginoplasty. That stuff needs a lot of work to get back to something resembling something a normal man would ever want to stick their peepee in. She can just let them stick it in her mouth in the meantime. That hole ain't good for nothin' else.

Theologian

Jessica Simpson has a hankering to take up theology - an idea that got planted in her head thanks to a certain well-known religion-related conspiracy theory. "I've been contemplating taking a college course in religion," Jessica told Marie Claire. "I love religion. I remember whenever the book The Da Vinci Code came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I TiVoed and then watched eight times." I'd say Jess is just about in the IQ range of the typical Da Vinci Code freak - those idiots who go on those tours and get laughed at by the Frenchies. I don't know about her plan to study theology though. She might be better served taking up something that can help her career-wise in the future - like hair dressing, or dog grooming, or getting picked up in bars by ex-athletes who don't care that a bitch is a little used up as long as she has nice hooters and will let them cum in her face.

More Messed-Up Than Ever

A bug crawled onto Priscilla Presley's face and she squashed it. No wait...those are her lips! When someone wants to kiss her they tell her to unpucker...and she can't fucking do it!

She Made it to 27

Britney celebrated her 27th birthday yesterday. I really hope Britney let her hair down and had some fun, cause God knows she never gets to enjoy herself. Seriously...what the fuck difference is there for someone like Britney between their birthday and, say, Thursday? Oh, there's cake with "Happy Birthday Britney" written across it. Like she couldn't have that every day of the week if she wanted. Do these people have any perspective on reality at all? Dumb question.

Let the Meltdown Begin

Miley Cyrus has had enough of her parents interfering with her personal life and is seeking to become emancipated. The main problem between Miley and her folks is that they think it's silly for a 16-year-old twit to be dating a 20-year-old underwear model and she disagrees. Miley's argument is that being a rich celebrity has forced her to "grow up fast" and she's now ready to handle her own business. Cause we all know that living the Hollywood lifestyle breeds super-maturity. Just look at Britney Spears. Can you say 5...4...3...2...1...meltdown? Sam Lutfi is already licking his chops.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You the World's Biggest Dumb-Ass

Blake Fielder-Civil got out of prison and put in rehab, but now he has to go back to prison after apparently fleeing the rehab so he could see his wife Amy Winehouse who is allegedly trying to divorce him. "I can confirm he has been recalled," said Blake's lawyer. And now the stupid bastard will have to serve out his full term, which expires in 2010. All because he couldn't keep his hands off a scraggly, peely-skinned, bug-ridden crackhead! Oh God. Keep Whitney Houston away from this guy or he might just lose his mind entirely.

Camilla Belle is a Nasty Slut

New reports say Twilight star Robert Pattinson is dating obscure actress Camilla Belle. Yes, that would be the same Camilla Belle who, five minutes ago, was fucking Joe Jonas. There were even pictures of Camilla and Joe in Mexico. There were reports that Joe had broken Taylor Swift's heart by choosing Camilla over her. And now? Camilla thinks Joe is yesterday's news and has moved on to Robert. Yeah - what a fucking headline-whore. Whichever little sub-25 hot piece of male-tail is most in the news, that's who Camilla is all over. Not that she's the first little tart to ever fuck for press run, but damn...she's taking it to a whole new slutty, shameless level. Even Mischa Barton isn't this bad.

Courtney Love, Crazy Ho Trail Blazer

Elle Magazine talked to Courtney Love for some reason. Courtney told Elle that she deserves kudos because she was the first big star to have a public meltdown and Britney and all the others are just riding her roach-infested, dead-husband's-ashes-sprinkled coattails. "I had a long, hard fall," Courtney explained. "I set the stage for Britney to crash and burn. I went through it all first." Honestly - only Courtney Love would be twisted and sick enough to try and take credit for inventing the nervous breakdown.

And by the way, maybe I wasn't paying attention at the time, but I really don't remember Courtney's alleged meltdown getting the kind of coverage Britney's did. I don't recall CNN breaking into regular programming to show Courtney getting hauled away in an ambulance. I don't remember the tabloids being filled with pictures of Courtney bald-headed going ballistic on a photographer with an umbrella. I just remember Kurt Cobain suddenly dying and them saying it was suicide and everyone else thinking Courtney did it or at least pushed him to it. How about it Courtney? Why not fess up? You want coverage don't you? That would be the biggest story of the decade.

Another Sad Closet-Case

Gossip Girl star Ed Westwick was seen getting cozy with co-star Jessica Szohr before boarding a plane at Dallas airport Sunday night and then again on the actual flight. "They were trying to be discreet by stealing kisses near the gate," Page 6 reports. They then grossed out fellow passengers by kissing in the aisles, but finally settled into their seats and apparently kept their hands off each other for the duration. Okay Ed, that's great - you have a girlfriend. One with a vagina and everything. And you kiss her in public so everyone will know you're not a homo. We're happy for you.

Made for Each Other

Naomi Campbell's Russian boyfriend Vladimir Doronin is just as big a rageaholic as she is. Witnesses say Doronin punched a photographer in the gut at the Setai in Miami last Thursday...which is actually lucky for the photographer, cause normally when you mess with some big Russian criminal, you wind up with your legs broken or your balls ripped off or your asshole reamed out by some huge Siberian faggot henchman with a dick the thickness of a telephone pole. He got off easy only being punched in the gut. Must be some fun times between Naomi and that dude.

Still Apparently Together

Lindsay Lohan wants us all to know that she hasn't split up with Samantha Ronson no matter what it says on the internet which as we know is written by a lot of dubious, very smelly people who make up lies about other folks and never bathe and have petrified cat crap all over their apartments. "...just to clear this up," Lohan wrote on her MySpace blog. "because i have been getting a lot of emails asking me this one question […] samantha ronson and lindsay lohan (me) are NOT breaking up." Well, the Crabster (I) am glad to hear that Lindsay. Now the Crabster (I) can enjoy the rest of the Crabster's (my) holiday season without having to worry about Lindsay Lohan (you) and Lindsay Lohan's (your) romantic situation. P.S. - We know you don't really write your MySpace blog, but we'll go along with the farce anyways.

Adrien Brody - Woah Dude

Oh man - Adrien Brody is totally channeling my creepy downstairs neighbor in this picture. That guy who stands around all day smoking cigarettes (I think they're Old Golds - fucker doesn't have a job) and rambling about Stendhal. I don't think he's ever read Stendhal. I don't think he knows who Stendhal is. Neither do I, but that's doesn't really matter - I'm not the one rambling about him (or her). That look on Beyonce's face is the exact same one I always get when that goof tries to rope me into a conversation - about Stendhal. "No habla. No habla." He knows good and well I'm not Mexican. I don't look remotely Mexican. I drive a car manufactured after 1983. You'd think the fucker would get the hint eventually, but no. He's always there outside his door with his Old Golds and his dirty beard with the crumbs caught in it and his robe falling open. And his little dog yipping at me yip yip yip. I hate that cocksucker.

Not Doing Their Jobs

Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendes showed up to promote their new movie Spirit and, well, I think you can clearly see what the problem is. That's right - no jugs. Don't you bitches get what the deal is? You're sex-pot movie stars - show the goods or don't waste everyone's time. Save the schoolmarm outfits for your men's kinky schoolmarm fantasies.

Sure, Keek. You Gots A Stalker.

Kirsten Dunst has convinced a judge to slap a restraining order on Christopher Smith, a dude she has come to believe is stalking her. "Mr. Smith has repeatedly shown up uninvited at my place of residence in Los Angeles, going so far as to ignore police warnings, bypass my personal security measures, trespass on my property, and attempt to gain entry into my home," reads Kiki's declaration. "Mr. Smith’s sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of my housemate and assistant." Let me guess - Kiki is the only one who can see "Mr. Smith." Sorry, but I just don't believe he exists. If there was really a guy acting aggressive and harassing toward Kiki, she would not seek a restraining order against him - she would date him. Then dump him after a week and get drunk and go to rehab.

Brandon Davis Attacks Pink...'s Car

Some people are just flat out destructive. Like Brandon Davis. Everywhere he goes this guy spreads mayhem. He was leaving a liquor store next to The Viper Room the other night and the paps were bugging him and he tried to back up his Mercedes and wound up plowing into Pink's BMW. Pink came out and traded insurance information with Davis. They didn't have sex. Pink has better taste than that. I did sort of expect her to drive something cooler than a BMW though. The female Billy Idol should be rolling around on a Hog or something, right?

Flaming Homo?

Sean Penn could be a flaming homo. According to James Franco, the alleged manly man wasn't satisfied with the single kissing scene in the script for their movie Milk (which is not about Pam Anderson) and talked the director Gus Van Sant (who is definitely a real homo) into adding more sexy. Franco says:

A month after asked me to do it, they sent me another script, and on Page 5 there was a full-on love scene. And I was like, "Gus, what the heck?" He says, "Well, it was Sean's idea."

Sounds great...until you realize that it's Sean Penn. No, I'm not interested in seeing him get it on with James Franco, or anyone else for that matter. I'd rather watch Mickey Rourke have sex with a hippo. I'd rather enjoy Rosie O'Donnell's frolic with Jocelyn Wildenstein. I'd sooner witness sick sweaty lovemaking between Brandon Davis and his brother Jason.

The Pit Of Vadge

Madonna, having failed to entertain her audience with her "music," resorts to knocking them unconscious with her body odor. Thank goodness that guitar is there.

Look Out, Mate! Stingray!

Famous dead dude Steve Irwin's son Bob turned five. Normal people buy a cake and hire a clown and blow up some balloons but not the Irwins - they have to call out the whole media circus. There was probably a croc-rasslin' pool and a bunch of snakes for the babies to play with. And kangaroo burgers and Yahoo Serious on a trampoline and Crocodile Dundee all drunk off his ass and falling down and...other Australian stuff...

Cumtrap And Glum-In-The-Yap

Like my new nicknames for Sienna and Keira? Gosh they look so pretty here all dolled-up for the big premiere or awards ceremony or whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Hey...whatever happened to that movie they were in, the thing about Dylan Thomas and his bitches? Did they finish it? Did it come out? Did Keira ever do any publicity for it or did she come down with a series of headaches in no way related to not eating enough? I think it's lovely that Sienna and Keira are such good buds. And no lesbian rumors either, okay? Everybody knows Sienna is a dick girl all the way.