Portman Out-Albas Alba

Jessica Alba has lightened up slightly since giving birth, making Natalie Portman officially the most miserable cow this side of Keira Knightley. Maybe Natalie needs to get knocked up too. Or maybe she's just really upset about the shit going down in her people's country right now. Or maybe she's mad that her dog just took a giant dump in the pocket of her sweater. Don't worry Nat - one day you'll be old and washed-up and no one will care to take your picture anymore. You can have your privacy then, 'kay cunty?

The Glare Of Death

Maggie Gyllenhaal is bothered by photographers while trying to walk through New York and gives them the glare of death which is even more powerful than Keira Knightley's glare of death. I didn't realize how ugly Maggie was until I watched The Dark Knight in high-def. Motherfuck that is one deformed-looking ho. I'm surprised her father didn't leave her on a doorstep for negros to raise like Benjamin Button's.

I Hope It's Not Actually Possible To Die Laughing

Dane Cook should've heeded the example of every loser ever featured on Behind the Music and not allowed his brother Darryl McCauley to manage his financial affairs, cause Darryl done robbed Dane to the tune of several million dollars over many years before finally being arrested just yesterday. Yes, I know how sad it is that Dane Cook actually had millions of dollars for someone to steal. But that sadness is entirely balanced off, and actually exceeded in magnitude, by the joy I am now experiencing at the thought of Dane Cook being bilked by his own kin. Hahahahaha!!!! Fuck you, you unfunny son of a bitch! I hope you end up working at the deli counter somewhere doing your routines for old deaf ladies who just want you to shut up and give them a half a pound of honey glazed ham! Fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!

Rainy Day Owen

"Wow man, I'm like, surrounded by billions of tiny glowing particles. I feel so at peace with myself right now. Like nothing in the universe can bother me. I think I've discovered bliss dudes. Oh wait...no, I just took a bunch of pills to kill myself and this is the crazy drug-induced dream I'm having. Well fuck man. That just totally blows..."

Looks Like True Love To Me

K-Fat has landed himself a ho to spend all of Britney's money on and I for one couldn't be happier for the lad. I just hope the two of them have discovered birth control. Federline has spread his seed enough and if ho wants her plumbing to still work down the road when she's old and needy...well, just ask Aniston what happens when you have too many abortions.

Used Up Ho

How can Vanessa Hudgens already look this used-up? She was in a training-bra, like, six months ago. Now she's ready for the Old Ho's Home. Disney just chews you up and spits you out.

What Is Jay-Z Thinking About?

A. A new clever nickname to give himself.
B. His past life as Dumb Donald from Fat Albert.
C. That one night of bliss in Cincinnati with Diddy.
D. What Beyonce would look like slipping slowly beneath the waves.

No Crash, But A DUI

Matt Dillon was arrested for DUI after police pulled him over in Vermont for driving 106 mph on the interstate. Vermont? Either he's a maple syrup magnate or he was up there looking for Johnny cakes. Don't drink and drive kiddies. And don't co-star in Lindsay Lohan movies or you will wind up cursed.

Clash Of The Secret Queens

Mickey Rourke has been busted by a Hollywood big-wig who shared with the world a text message sent by Rourke in which the freak-faced actor trashed fellow thespian Sean Penn. The unpleasantness began because Rourke is apparently jealous over all the attention Penn has been getting for his marvelous performance as Harvey Milk in Gus Van Sant's terrific biopic Milk. Rourke thinks Penn's work is overrated - a sentiment that became public when Rourke was overheard expressing it backstage at David Letterman's program. Rourke then tried to explain himself in a private text to the aforementioned big-wig. The text read:

Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno [sic]

Let's get a few things out of the way: 1) Both these guys are obviously closet-cases; 2) Rourke is as terrific in The Wrestler as Penn is in Milk and I don't really understand why it's necessary for us to treat this as a competition except for all the Oscar shit...further proof that the Oscars are a blight on humanity; 3) If these guys fought Rourke would hit Penn once in the stomach and Penn would fold up and vomit and that would be the end of it. Penn is only tough when he's drunk and flailing at photographers. Rourke is the genuine article - he will kick your ass without even blinking (mostly because he is no longer able to move his eyelids); 4) If any actor deserves to be trashed this Oscar season it's Brad Pitt for sitting there like a useless lump all through Benjamin Buttmunch. Thank goodness for CGI and make-up otherwise there would've been no performance there at all. Chalk this one up to secret queens will be secret queens.

Another Dumb-Ass Name

Bristol Palin popped her kid Saturday and named it Tripp Easton Mitchell. The baby has Levi Johnston's last name even though I'm guessing paternity is still up in the air. Those Palin bitches will spread their legs for anyone with a dick, a hockey stick and a handful of Oxycontin. And who the fuck names their kid Tripp? Trig and Tripp? Fuck you.

Just When You Thought Mischa Barton Couldn't Get Anymore Tedious...

No one gives a shit about Mischa Barton but that isn't stopping the bitch from blogging about herself. The sneaker pitchwoman and frequent suicide hotline caller revealed in one of her recent posts that she's been in India and has been learning to play the sitar. Bitch said:

So guys India has been amazing. A little frenetic, as they do things a little different here! So it's been tough with the long shoot days to check in much! But the people are amazing, so eager to please and I've learned so much from them.

I've been having an amazing spiritual exploration visiting Hindu temples and learning about Buddhism, both beautiful religions. Hyderabad where we're filming is a real inspiration in the fact that Christians, Muslims and Hindus all get along so harmoniously. I must admit I used to make fun of people who were all into yoga and chai tea thinking it was another ridiculous health fad. But now I'm that person! First of all Masala Chai tea, the traditional way with milk and sugar is delicious, and this is coming from a brit who only likes my breakfast tea!

I must say my goal coming here was to learn to play the sitar and it's coming along real slow as apparently it's not that easy to procure a great sitar teacher here, I guess it not late 60's with Ravi Shankar and George Harrison roaming around unfortunately!!!!

Goa was my christmas break, and it was stunning, I actually went to South Goa (which isn't the party side of town) thats the North bit, but I'll post tons of footage for you guys out there. If only technology didn't hate me and I was decent with electronics! But I went parasailing, jet skiing and swimming in the ocean for ages every day. The colors, fabrics, food will blow your mind....so stay tuned to see me on my vacation and what I got up to.

I've always been grateful I wasn't young in the sixties, because I never had to pretend to give a shit about sitar music, the most mind-numbingly boring form of music this side of the noises you hear when you have tinnitus. You have to be completely bombed out of your mind on drugs to even endure sitar music. Shit just goes on and on forever and it's the same god damn thing over and over...kind of like Mischa Barton's life, actually. Hmm...now I know why she's so keen on it.

Like She'll Listen

It should read, "Brad pleads with Angie, 'No more babies!'" I don't care what Bradley says in public - that guy doesn't want anymore, either by sticking his dick in Angie or going shopping. It doesn't matter either way because Angie ain't gonna listen. She thinks her body can handle anything, including pumping out babies like they were Pez and she a little plastic thing with a Popeye head. Well, maybe it can handle anything. Look at all the drugs she did. And the cutting. And sex with Billy Bob Thornton. Bitch might actually be invincible.

More Of This Shit

Transformers 2: Rise of the Fan Boys' Penises Every Time Megan Fox Sticks Her Tits Out tops my list of movies not to see in 2009. Won't matter of course - shit will still make a gazillion dollars and there will be a flood of publicity appearances by that tattooed slut and Shia LaBeouf who will hand out random bits of himself that fell off after his accident. Here's a suggestion...how about we go one year without any idiotic expensive Hollywood blockbusters being released? I'm still not over all the bullshit from this summer and it's only a few months until more starts coming. And don't even get me started on the Oscar hype. No, Benjamin Button is not that good. Speaking of that movie...was I the only one who was disappointed that they didn't stick a shrunken Brad Pitt head onto the baby at the end? What kind of fucking cheat was that, using a real baby. CGI that shit, man. And the stuff where they smoothed out all Cate Blanchett's wrinkles...it didn't make her look young, it made her look freaky - like Nicole Kidman without the plumper.

Avoiding the Stress

Barry the Magic Negro has been in Hawaii unwinding since that whole becoming President thing came down on his head. That's fine with me...let him have a few more weeks of semi-normalcy before he has to lock himself up in the White House and try to untangle the hideous knots that last bastard tied this country up in for eight years. I have my doubts that Barry is up to the task but whatever. We're all going to die of some terrible thing soon anyway so fuck it.

New Look

I didn't realize this was Kim Kardashian right away. I thought it was some other Mediterranean-looking rich slut with nothing better to do than parade around all day shopping and sticking her ass in the air for the cameras. I hope she's keeping one eye out for Courtney Love who she accused of being a liar last week after Courtney accused her brother of beating up Brody Jenner's gay friend for no good reason. Courtney would beat this bitch down then scalp her. Fuck, I'd pay money to see that.

Pudging Up

Daniel Craig no longer has rock-hard abs. He saw Hugh Jackman's and decided he would just concede. That last James Bond movie was so bad I almost asked for my money back. It was still better than any of the Bourne movies.

The Bit That Never Ends

There will apparently never be any end to the pictures of Katie Holmes toting Suri around New York. Is Katie still in that play or is this what she does all day? I like Suri's shoes...if she taps them together three times and says "There's no place like home" will she end up back in Katie's womb or in the Andromeda Galaxy somewhere?

Mr. Normal

What the hell's the matter with Kanye West? I expect eccentricity and weirdness from this guy, not normal. Put on some wacky sunglasses or something Kanye. Smack a photographer. Go off on a rant against George Bush. Shave your head and paint it hot pink and change your name to Sultan Kanye Macadamia III of Gondwanaland. Amuse me, bitch.

Courtney To PETA: Eat Me

Courtney Love doesn't want PETA telling her what she can and can't wear. In her latest blog rant Courtney said:

Yep, I'm a fur whore. If it's 100 years old I'm fucking into it. Sorry PETA. I've been very, very good for a very, very long time, and this ermine is ancient and tattered and feels like it belonged to a Queen. I know, I know. Maybe I'll just stare at it, but fuck off if I wear it, I KNOW what I'm doing.

She knows what she's doing except when she's totally bombed out of her mind on drugs which is all the time. Well, she was lucid enough to tell PETA to go fuck themselves, wasn't she? Good for Courtney. Now where did I put my polar bear skin slippers?

Oh Crap, No

Is there some store where old half-senile Jews can just buy Oriental kids? Okay, I give - it's his daughter. That probably wouldn't stop him but, whatever...I should cease before it creeps into defamation. Oh screw that...he's got that kid on his lap even as we speak. Viagra's a curse I'm telling you. "All papas do this with their daughters in America sweetheart. It's in the Constitution right after the part about the Vice President breaking ties in the Senate." Vicky Cristina Barcelona was okay though. Javier Bardem. Yum.

Nice Crotch, Crackhead

Wino practices her death-pose. I'm guessing her real death will involve lots more puke, blood and other unidentifiable bodily fluids than this. By the way I'm sick of everyone saying she looks healthier just cause she's put on a few pounds. This woman will never look healthy by any standard. Maybe compared to Courtney Love but that's it.

How About Painting It Red With His Blood?

Puff Daddy offered the city of New York $1 million if he could paint the famous New Year's Eve ball purple in honor of Ciroc vodka which is derived from grapes instead of the usual stuff vodka is made from. Puffy apparently endorses this shit and thinks it's very important for everyone to know this including all the New Year's revelers who are drinking everything except his shitty vodka. Only problem - the city turned him down. They probably didn't tell him to go fuck himself but I would've. Maybe Puffy should try painting something else purple - like Dick Clark. Is he still living?

Lindsay and Sam Are Still Together

Sam Ronson survived trying to kill herself after her fight with Lindsay the other night and now the two of them are out on their lesbian shopping sprees buying lesbian things like glow-in-the-dark strap-ons and Carmex and snow-globes depicting Virginia Woolf walking into the river. They look so happy in that fake way that people do when they're not happy but for some reason think they have to put on an act for the cameras. I don't personally have that problem because I'm not a famous twat. I have nine of those Virginia Woolf suicide snow-globes by the way. God damn eBay addiction.

Sucky-Panted Bitches

I'm so out-of-touch with the youth culture. Apparently now dressing like an '80s whore and going roller skating are in. Headbands? Mad stranglers love those - you can just take them off the head and use them for, you know, mad strangling. Nice extensions Miley. Who's your friend? I'm not asking for me...Stephen Baldwin wants to know. He wants to get a tattoo of her. Then he wants to smell her pussy. Then yours. Then back to hers. You do realize it looks like you're wearing rubbers on your legs.

Adorable

I'm hoping they ended up in the semi-matching jackets and head-cozies by accident, cause if it was on purpose? Gag me. With a spork. By the way Jake...thanks for all the wet-dreams.

Give Us Some Myocardial Infarction Music, Paul

Somebody buy Letterman a treadmill or a stationary bike or something. Seriously...this is just embarrassing. Dude is a television icon - he can't be seen jogging around like some health-conscious Alzheimer's patient. Is that his tongue or is he puking up a cow's dick?

Kidnapper!

Dude...put out an Amber Alert or whatever for Matilda Ledger. Marky Mark kidnapped her! What the fuck, man? Hasn't that kid been traumatized enough, what with the haircut and Mary-Kate Olsen killing her daddy and everything? So not cool. P.S. Marky - when did you get so damn old?

Tiny Bear Child

What's with the little ears on the hat? Is it supposed to be cute? Seems to me that sort of thing would just end up confusing the child. If that kid grows up to shit in the woods a lot, we'll know Alba fucked it up.

John Mayer wants one of those hats really bad. He wouldn't mind wearing Alba either, probably.

Lemme Show You What to Do With That Stick...

Hugh Jackman and his kid went to some kind of sporting event and ended up with big inflatable sticks. Now what do you do with those I wonder? The kid looks like he might have some idea, possibly not the right one.

How Did Santa Know?

All Crabbie wanted for Christmas was a big flaming feud between Courtney Love and the Kardashian family - and Santa delivered! Actually, it was Courtney who delivered...a big giant sucker-punch to Kim Kardashian's brother Rob via her MySpace blog (the one she was going to stop writing because it upset her daughter so much). According to Courtney, Rob is a violent homophobe and the LAPD doesn't care about gays being beaten up outside clubs:

hi kids, if you are expecting Santa to read you a bedtime story on this new blog, think again! what i am about to direct is something many of you can relate to, and hopefully are disgusted by..which is the icky trend of straight heterosexual males who commit hate crimes that are secretly in the closet, yes, Rob Kardashian the son of the discgr3aceful Robert Kardashian who represented a cold blooded murderer and made lots and lots of money..well rob jr cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my GUY was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside hyde lounge closed, then right after yelling the words "FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!" Rob JR punched my guys in the face. My guy has 3 witnesses who saw rob jump out of the SUV and because of the fact that he works for me, a woman of power, you broke his nose and caused blood to shed, well lets fast forward shall we...the guy who works for me did not file a police report that night cause he did not need tmz's camera's outside this trendy nightclub to cause any more FUCKERY to what was suppose to be a birthday celebration, instead he came back to LAPD later and they told him to fold up his police report into a origami and hang it on his door.

Of course you would expect the Kardashians to respond to such a vicious attack, and they didn't disappoint. Here's what Kim posted on her official website:

Courtney Love wrote a disturbing blog this morning that is obviously very untrue...

Ms. Love immaturely called my brother Rob names and accused him of physically assaulting her “employee” at Hyde nightclub, breaking his nose.

This is TOTALLY FALSE!

A lot of what she wrote doesn’t even make much sense and doesn’t follow a clear train of thought... At one point she says Brody was there too and that someone yelled discriminatory expletives against gay people, but I honestly can’t figure out who she is accusing because her writing is so bad.

All I know is that both Brody and Rob didn’t do anything close to what Ms. Love has described.

My entire family’s response is this: We are so saddened to hear that someone is blogging this insanity on Christmas Eve. Everything this person writes is obviously untrue and we will forward this terrible nonsense to our attorneys. Merry Christmas!

Kim is the daughter of famed O.J. attorney Robert Kardashian, but obviously, she didn't learn any tricks from her father, otherwise she would've thought up something a little meatier than the "I can write slightly more coherently than Courtney therefore I'm right and she's wrong" defense. She might as well have just said she was smarter because she has a bigger ass. I'm sure Courtney will have some deliciously incomprehensible response to Kim's response. By the way, I'm not necessarily on the side of the allegedly wronged gay Courtney Love employee here. Yes he was the apparent victim of a homophobic attack and that's wrong, but then again, he was hanging out with Brody Jenner, which makes it sort of difficult for me to sympathize with him. And by the way...does Brody have something he wants to tell us?

Royal Rug Burn

Prince William is having trouble growing hair on top of his head so he decided to grow some on the bottom. It's not the worst beard I've seen.

Worthless Baby

Ashlee Wentz and Pete Simpson failed in their efforts to sell pictures of their baby Kimchee the Jungle Boy, so they put some on the web for free, claiming they were offered big bucks but declined. Cause they have principles. Same as Tara Reid when she refuses to blow men for coke.

Scientists Discover New Species

Scientists combing a tropical beach discovered this revolting specimen - some kind of half-human, half-crab - and named it Donatella Versace. If you see one coming, just try not to vomit on the person next to you. I will never eat beef jerky again as long as I live.

Back Up The Moving Van...

Sam Ronson went into the hospital Sunday for "exhaustion" and now we know why: She had a huge fight with wife Lindsay Lohan that included glass being broken and, according to neighbors, lots of obscenity. No doubt, Ronson wanted to lay a good suicide guilt-trip on Lohan after it was over. Those are the best. "I swear to God I'll swallow this whole thing of pills and all this booze and slit my throat you fucking bitch!" Good times.

Spreading Holiday Annoyance

How long does it take Mariah Carey to get herself ready before she goes out the door. A week? How many stylists does this bitch have on-hand? And she still looks like warmed-over shit.

Merry Fucking Christmas Bitches

...and to all a good night (of booze and butt-sex).

Where's A Shark When You Need One

American Idol is coming back. This gives me a chance to extend my streak of never watching American Idol. If there's justice in the universe, Simon Cowell will have to spend his next life as a head-shaped boil sticking out of Paula Abdul's hairy ass.

Just Show Them Into The Pharoah's Tomb, Kate

Kate Beckinsale is hot to play Catwoman in the third Batman movie (the one that's not going to have Eddie Murphy as The Riddler and Shia LaBeouf as Robin). Apparently Kate thinks she hasn't done enough films that require her to wear really tight vinyl and do cartwheels while shooting machine guns. Does she know there are no vampires in Batman? I honestly don't know who would bore me more as Catwoman - Beckinsale or Rachel Weisz. At least with Weisz we wouldn't get inundated with interviews about vaginas during the lead-up to the release.

Who Needs Two Arms Anyway?

Pete Doherty has had to cancel gigs after his arm reportedly exploded from too much of whatever drug Pete is on being shot into it. Who knew something bad could happen from constantly jabbing yourself in the veins with needles? Hey, I've got an idea - why don't I take this hammer and smack myself in the head with it over and over? Oh, goodness, that gave me a headache. Didn't see that one coming. Hmm...maybe next I'll throw myself off this tall building. Oh, wait a second, I'm going to die when I hit the ground. Should've thought that one through better...

Spicy Dick

The dude in the very back is supposedly Madonna's new Brazillian boy-toy. He's some kind of model Vadge met on a photoshoot. She is said to be "smitten" with him which means they're having hot animal sex at every opportunity and at least one of them is enjoying it. The picture was taken at some club in Sao Paolo and apparently Madonna ordered the guy to stay away from her until they were inside but everyone knew they were together anyway. I have no idea who the coked up dude is in front of boy toy and no I'm pretty sure the bald Road Warrior-looking freak isn't Boy George since I think he's still locked up some place.

Santa Got His Azz Kicked

"I told Santa I wanted some cool jeans for Christmas but that old jolly bastard only brought me these old-man jeans and I had to go find his ass at the North Pole and beat him down like I used to do back when I was a hard-core white rapper punk bad-ass and we rolled drunks every night and slapped our bitches around word to ya mutha."

A Horrific Example Of Seashore Pollution

It's really disgusting what humanity is doing to our beautiful beaches and seashores - tossing a bunch of garbage around and polluting the environment and making everyone sick. There need to be stricter laws.

Why All The Hostility John?

Jennifer Aniston has been in New York humping both John Mayer and her new movie Marley and Me (it's a toss-up which is a more painful duty). Normally Jen would bring her dogs with her on such an excursion but this time she left them in L.A. because, well, Mayer hates them, and Jen is so desperate to hold onto him that she'll do pretty much anything he says including get injections in her lips. Kind of sad seeing a woman like Aniston make a doormat out of herself just in the name of dick. I mean, jeez Jen, it's really not that hard. The guy doesn't like your dogs, you go get yourself a new man who does like them, or you just fuck the dogs. Or, you know, you could always shoot yourself.

Dawn Of The Katies

Katie Holmes now resembles some sad, eccentric old rich person who can barely get from the door to the car without assistance and needs someone to chew her food for her and spit it into her mouth so she won't die. Think she's still happy she married Tom? Uh...no. It ruined her career, her life and apparently her health. And the worst mistake she ever made was having Suri cause now he's got that to hold over her forever. "If you leave me you will never see your child again." Tom's such a drama-queen. He also knows exactly what he's doing. He used this bitch like toilet paper.

Exhaustion. Uh-Huh.

Samantha Ronson checked into Cedars-Sinai hospital yesterday afternoon and was treated for exhaustion, which as we know is celeb code for drug overdose, possibly deliberate. No, it wouldn't surprise me at all to find out Ronson tried to do herself in. Her relationship with Lindsay Lohan is clearly on the rocks, and Ronson knows that when that ends, the party comes to a screeching halt for her. Unless she thinks she can get by on her looks. That was a joke. Bitch is uglier than the love child of Perez Hilton's swollen asshole and Cisco Adler's pendulous balls.

Funny

Gallery of the Absurd came up with this amusing bit - Touched By A BrANGELina decorative collector plates, featuring everyone's favorite perfect Hollywood couple and their ethnically-diverse brood. "See how they sparkle with the love of Brad and Angie," it says. Yes indeed.

He's Fucked-Up On The Inside Too

Michael Jackson is supposedly suffering from a genetic disorder that has caused him to develop emphysema and asshole bleeding (just like Amy Winehouse!) and it's said he will die if he doesn't get a lung transplant. I believe the whole lung disease thing but I don't buy the story about the genetic disorder. Dude's lungs ain't fucked up from no bad genes boys - it's from him inhaling himself all these years. You try living with Michael Jackson 24/7 and see what kind of shape your respiratory and gastrointestinal systems end up in, little homies.

Oh Stop

Yeah - Obama just happened to walk outside with no shirt on, completely oblivious to the presence of the dude with the camera. Sure Barry. And you can rebuild the entire country's infrastructure and pull us out of the financial crisis and fix the health care system without raising taxes through the roof. You really must be a magic negro.

Inner-Doof

Dita Von Teese seldom lets her guard down but here we can see right through her whole carefully-maintained facade to the doofy real person she's been running from all her life. Big toothy sideways smiles always do it.

Shrek Cops A Feel

Where is Shrek's other hand? I know where Shrek's other hand is. Nice to see Robin Williams is getting steady work. Those ears look like they'd be good for things other than hearing. I've always wanted it in the ass from an ogre's ear. Not really though.