Tom and Katie went out to Nobu with Posh and Becks. Katie had a flat on the way but luckily, Tom carries a spare. Is it just me or does his cranium look very weird? Weirder than most craniums? Another question: How far does Tom's career have to slip before Posh stops wanting to hang out?
I know for a fact that the toy giraffe little Harlow's chewing on in this picture was made in China. Out of the ground-up bones of sweatshop laborers who died in horrible industrial accidents. Mixed with melamine. And laced with an extract made from dog kidneys and panda eyes. Not only is it unhealthy for the kid to be chewing on that giraffe, but I'm pretty sure Greenpeace is pissed about it too. Not to mention how Hayden Panettiere feels. Doesn't Nicole care about Hayden's feelings? Callous bitch.
How brave of the Jonas Brothers - writing a book all about their struggles with venereal disease. This will help so many people. Way to go young lads. You are an example to us all (and especially those who want to have sex with Taylor Swift).
Gwyneth Paltrow talked to Gotham magazine about growing up in New York. Listing her favorite things about her childhood, Paltrow said:
Underage smoking on stoops of brownstones, going to museums, the seasons, and how great a school Spence was.
Yes, Gwyneth was a rebel - she used to sneak cigs on stoops when she was 15. But she was one of those arty rebels who liked museums. She knew she was destined for something better than what all the other girls longed for - those horrid, predictable dreams of marrying handsome squares or becoming high-class call girls who throw themselves out of windows in fits of boredom.
Tom Cruise has been guilty of many creepy expressions but this one has to take the cake. That is a dude who is straining to keep the demons at bay. Also, I think he is going bald. Also, his new Nazi movie looks stupid. Also, David Beckham did not go for Tom's idea to have David spread his buttcheeks and let Tom stuff him like a turkey using his penis.
Saw this picture of Miley Cyrus and had a flash...she's destined to become the next Kathie Lee Gifford. It's written in the stars. The chicken bones. The shit-stain patterns in the bottom of my toilet bowl.
This is really awesome...Tom and Katie have hired Bea Arthur to babysit Suri! Bea's looking great, isn't she? I love the wig. And Suri seems to really like her. This is the coolest thing Tom and Katie have ever done. Way to go guys!
Sarah Larson talked to People magazine about how hard it was dating George Clooney. "It was a little nerve-wracking because everybody loves George, and so, to be in the public eye like that, it was a little bit stressful," said the stripper. "It's a lot to take in. I think I just went like a deer in the headlights. At times, I [didn't] know what to do."
George's instructions were pretty clear honey: "Sit on my dick when I say, then stand next to me and shut your mouth while they take our picture." And the hard part was?
Stephen Gyllenhaal and Naomi Foner are on their way to a divorce, and now we've learned that they are also broke as a joke. Naomi blamed the whole thing on Stephen in the divorce filing, saying, "I have repeatedly asked Stephen to pay his one-half share of our bills, and he has refused to do so." An email to Naomi from Stephen, which is also included in the filing, laid out his plan for dealing with the crisis:
I have been clear that if worse comes to worse, I will let all of this collapse into ruin, just as I believe letting the markets crash and burn [is] the right approach. Pain now for clarity and balance later.
In other words you have no money and you're too lazy to get a job and Maggie and Jake aren't returning your calls. God, what losers these people are. How did they manage to ever spawn a couple of high achievers like Jakey-poo and Pug-Nose? Ambition skips a generation, I guess.
First we learn that Alex Rodriguez pissed Madonna off by quitting Kabbalah school because it bored him (not enough strippers I guess), and now we see him hanging out with his ex-wife and his kids for the holidays. And they all look pretty happy too. Something tells me Madge is going to have to find a new dumb, pretty, large-peckered plaything to amuse herself with. One who has a little longer attention span maybe.
"I told that honky if he made one more joke about me looking like Bill Cosby on I Spy I was gonna tell my girl to let him have it. And what happened? Cracker-ass cracker. I got $700 million and what's he got? Food stamp-using motherfucker. The president is a black man now, you cracker son of a bitch. Why don't you move your ass back to Belgium or whatever shithole your people came from you Indian-raping, slave-taking, natural-resource-squandering cocksucker?"
Now I know why Kristen Stewart always looks like she's stoned - it's cause she's always stoned. I suppose being the new It Girl is pretty stressful and we shouldn't begrudge Kristen the odd pull on the old pipe. She needs to put some shoes on though. That bare feet stuff is just plain gross.
Pete Wentz walks up and down the street with a microphone telling everyone he has a baby. "Hey everybody! Guess what? I have a baby! I put my penis in my woman's vagina and before you knew it...poof!" Where's a sword-wielding nut when you need one? Nice shoes by the way. I once puked that color after eating way too many Nerds.
Robert Pattinson is the new pop-culture obsession. Now his life will become a hell of paps and media scrutiny and people talking shit about him in blogs. Every time he gets drunk and plays grab-ass with a bunch of college girls it will be tabloid news. He won't be able to snort a line or flip his car or participate in a giant gay orgy without being ripped by a lot of self-righteous, jealous assholes. Never again will he be able to pick up a hitchhiker, murder them and dump the body in a quarry without Dlisted guy calling him a bad name and making a joke about his asshole. It's your new normal Pattinson - get used to it.
The Shitster told Rolling Stone that Sean Preston has learned to say the word "fuck." I know, I thought the same thing - Rolling Stone is doing cover-stories on Britney Spears? I thought it was a music magazine. I knew it had gone downhill, but I didn't know it was fucking Us Weekly. Anyway, like I was saying, Shit-Shit told Jann Wenner's culturally-irrelevant rag that Sean Preston has been dropping f-bombs faster than he drops loads on the living room floor, and then Shitney said something way funny, which I quote here so you can share my joy:
He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.
Oh yeah - Federline's the bad influence. That's priceless. Thank you Britney for brightening my day. Now I won't have to go out and trip old ladies for fun like I was going to. You've fulfilled my amusement requirement.
Gwyneth Paltrow is the only being on earth wise and experienced enough to handle preparations for Thanksgiving dinner. Thankfully, Gwyneth is not shy about bestowing her vast knowledge on all us mindless peasants who can't even get the turkey out of the plastic and are utterly baffled at the concept of dressing. A sampling of Gwyneth's Turkey Day insight via her site Goop.com:
Turkey will always be the main event of Thanksgiving (at least in my house) and a whole turkey is the way to go if you’re feeding at least 12. But if your party is smaller, the stuffed turkey breast turns out to be a great halfway point. Brining it overnight insures that you don’t need to baste it and it has a quick cooking time. Why should things be any less festive if dinner is just for two? I came up with these stuffed turkey burgers which were a giant hit in my house. They are the perfect solution for anyone who isn’t feeding a big group (or for a big group that wants to try something different!).
I came up with an idea too Gwyneth - if you really want to get into the Thanksgiving spirit, you and everyone in your pathetic, fucked up family should get really wasted, dress up like Indians, go to Gwyneth Paltrow's house, grab her scrawny ass and drag her into the street and beat her with sticks until she is nothing but an unrecognizable carcass! And then you can all take turns fucking what remains of the corpse! Then stuff it and eat it! Yummy yummy cum-filled Thanksgiving Gwyneth Paltrow! And don't forget to chop Chris Martin into little bits and make a pie out of his no-talent Radiohead-ripping-off ass! Happy Thanksgiving fuckfaces!
This dude - Mario Majorski - was shot to death by a security guard at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood after whipping out a couple Samurai swords and waving them around like a nut. I'm guessing he had some kind of beef with the Scios? We know he wasn't a member of Anonymous - none of those mouth-breathing twats would have the guts to throw down on gun-wielding security guards. By the way, the LA police are investigating whether the security guard was licensed to have a gun. I'm shocked he didn't have some kind of laser beam or nuclear-powered annihilator. These are Scientologists. I thought they had cool stuff. I guess they keep that hidden away in a closet some place. They only whip it out when one of the big-wigs is having a party. Tom especially loves the atomic anal penetrator. Gosh, it's lucky the freak with the swords didn't hurt any Scientology celebrities at the Scientology Celebrity Centre. That would've been awful(ly hilarious).
This reminds me of the night I caught Santa in bed with my mom. I heard a funny noise and went down the hall and pushed the door open and...God, the sounds. Santa's red cheeks and his giant penis suddenly lunging at me like a fencer's foil. I've had a thing for pirate movies ever since then. My mom acted really funny at breakfast the next morning. There were no cigarette butts floating in my Cheerios for once and my brother had on matching socks. We went down that afternoon to see Santa at the department store, and my mom seemed nervous the whole way. She ran four red lights. She kept humming "Silent Night" under her breath. We got to the department store but Santa wasn't there. He'd had a heart attack and been hauled away in an ambulance. His female elf was sitting in for him, but I refused to get up in her lap. My mom started talking to the elf, then suddenly slapped her. I think her name was Eileen.
The Jonases need to either start lining up alphabetically or wear nametags. Honestly - I can't even keep my socks sorted; how the fuck am I gonna remember which of these freaks is which? The one on the left pulled the dick-and-dash on Taylor Swift, right? And the one in the middle - I'm pretty sure I saw him lurking around my middle school. He was either trying to buy pot or find a new boyfriend.
(*=copyright Bill Maher)
Nicole Kidman says she wants her daughter Friday Rhododendron to speak like a redneck when she grows up. "I hope she has a Southern accent," Kidman told the Nashville Tennesseean in an interview. And busted teeth and freaky eyes - so she can have her own Disney show. Keith needs to get working on his mullet. And I'd book the vaguely suggestive Vanity Fair photoshoot at least five years in advance. Wouldn't want Jamie Lynn Spears's kid beating you to the hillbilly jailbait finish line, would you?
Amy Winehouse's marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil is beyond being on the rocks - it is completely over, according to Amy herself. "There’s no way back for us now," Amy said. "It was never going to last. We were only together for sex.
I fancied him like mad, like no one else I’ve ever known. But it’s not enough, is it?"
It definitely wasn't enough for Blake, who is now fucking a model named Sophie Shandorff. On the bright side - at least Amy's fans won't have to endure her endless tributes to him at concerts anymore. Actually, they won't have to endure her concerts at all because she isn't really performing anymore. She's not a musician - she's a sideshow. A manless one. Like a really drunk, tattooed Jen Aniston.
Tom Cruise told Entertainment Tonight that Suri absolutely refuses to wear pants. "Kate finally got her in jeans the other day," Tom said. "We put the pants on and walk away and the pants are off and the dress is on." She wants to make herself pretty so she can find a man and get the fuck out away from you, Tom. Hello? Earth to Xenu-boy!
Nicole Kidman at a New York screening of Australia. She has to hold her face to keep it from sliding right off. She probably tells everyone she has a headache. Which is silly because she obviously has no feeling left anywhere above her neck. The "tox" in Botox stands for "toxin," Nicole. As in toxic. As in poison. As in box-office poison - another thing you know all about.
Oh no - Rihanna lost her eye! She poked it out with her own dick! I told her trying to eye-fuck herself was only going to lead to injury. Oh wait - it was just a prop. What a relief.
What an awesome fog-and-light show. It's just like that KISS concert I went to 20 years ago.
Coldplay brought their special brand of watered-down crappy music to the American Music Awards. I don't know what the leaves have to do with anything. Maybe they symbolize the audience's desire to make like a tree and leave. Maybe if I listened to the song I would understand. I wonder if Chris Martin pays attention to Gwyneth at home or just tunes her out like the rest of the world does?
This is Twilight's Robert Pattinson going in to bite Tyra Banks's neck. Tyra dared him to I guess. He's braver than I am. I wouldn't put my mouth anywhere near that stanky ho. Tyra is clearly excited though. This is the most action she's gotten in ages.
Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson showed up for some big grand opening in Dubai. Aren't lesbians against the law there? I don't know. Apparently, Sam doesn't get the concept of formal attire. Guns 'n' Roses? Silver sneakers? That face? Lindsay looks, um...well, she's a disaster at this point. 40 miles of bad road doesn't apply anymore. The place that fits Lindsay doesn't even have roads.
The New York Times has a huge expose claiming Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt forced People magazine to promise them good coverage in exchange for the privilege of publishing the first pictures of their twins Knox and Vivienne. Oh, and the mag had to cough up $14 million too. People denies the charges - about the promising good coverage thing, not the money. “Like any news organization, People does purchase photos, but the magazine does not determine editorial content based on the demands of outside parties," said a spokesperson. Yeah right, People people - pull the other one, eh? Everyone knows you fuckers all get in bed with stars. It doesn't really shock us. How else you gonna get access? It's the way the game is played. But don't play it that way then expect us to buy your little innocent act. We ain't naive. You people have no ethics. Neither do I, but at least I admit it.
Posted by Melvin Ayatollahofrock'nrolla at 8:34 AM
Jessica Biel should stop waxing her lip. Then she could get on the hat-and-stache bandwagon. I know - Justin doesn't like the way it tickles. Sucks to be him. You can't let your bitch run your life like that. If you wanna go full Billy Dee Williams, then you should just do it. Don't be going all bearded on us though Jess. You may be half-Sasquatch but that doesn't mean you have to advertise.
Dear Kim Cattrall: You know that whole thing where your boyfriend won't have sex with you? Well, it's not you. I mean, it's not you personally - it's just women in general. Pretty much anything with a vagina is not up his alley. The Botox is working out great for you by the way. You're sexier than Sarah Jessica Parker at least. Then again, so is pretty much everyone.
What do we think of Gerard Butler and Mary-Kate Olsen? Good couple? She's hanging off him like some kind of scraggly, pasty-white monkey. I'm guessing Gerard doesn't think of Mary-Kate as girlfriend material. She's good for a fuck and to score some drugs from. Just ask Heath. Er...yeah, you know what I mean.
Our long national nightmare is over - Ashlee Simpson finally had her baby. The longest pregnancy since Minnie Driver's ended Thursday night when Simpson forced 7 lb., 11 oz. Bronx Mowgli Wentz - not making that up - through her birth canal and into the cold, cold light of the world. Pete Wentz is said be hysterical with joy. Almost gay over it. Ashlee is just grateful for the drugs. Papa Joe will commence ruining the child's life as soon as he can get away from burying his face in Jessica's tits.
Ryan Phillippe and his giant hulking Aussie girlfriend Abbie Cornish are rumored to be expecting a kid. Abbie would be the pregnant one in this case even though Phillippe is more womanish. The rumor got started in the usual way - someone saw the couple shopping for baby shit and jumped to a giant conclusion. Celeb couples never go out buying baby shit for other people you know. Phillippe already has kids by munchkin bitch Reese Witherspoon and probably some illegitimate ones floating around. He's such a horndog.
Keira Knightley discussed the difficulties of wearing a corset - something she's familiar with from all those stuffy period films she's always doing. Keira said, "It's obvious why women were called the weaker sex, because you can hardly breathe [in a corset]. It's a fight just to get oxygen to your brain." Darling Keira. We know you're so beautiful and smart and talented and we would never say an unkind word about you. You lovely, fascinating creature.
Rachel Zoe has fled her West Hollywood home after it was broken into and some thousands of dollars worth of designer crap was stolen. Dear Rachel: Wanna know where your stuff is? Just get a search warrant for Lindsay Lohan's trunk. She's a klepto. Actually, Rachel is reportedly planning on moving in to Sierra Tower where Lindsay herself once resided before being kicked out for turning the place into one huge party pad. Why did I just tell you that? Do you care where Rachel Zoe is going to live? No. I hope the Sierra Tower people have a lot of Glade on-hand - you just know this bitch reeks.
This is really sad isn't it? It's like the two sides of Katie are warring. The old Katie that wore shorts and wrinkled shirts and knew how to live is trying to come out but the new Katie of scarves and oversized sunglasses and taut-lipped severity is fighting her off. "Stay down happy-girl. We're Tom's now. We're not allowed to roll around in the grass till we've got leaves in our hair or play on the swings or smile or feel." She can't even wait for Chris Klein to rescue her, now that Chris has turned into a slimy guy who haunts airport bars. Who will save Katie?
Clooney is making a movie called Men Who Stare at Goats. Not Men Who Hump Goats. That would require him to wear a headscarf. He looks like Dennis Farina again. Except Farina wouldn't wear camo pants. Unless he was also humping goats.
Madonna went to some Gucci event dressed as my lawn. Okay I don't have a lawn. But if I had one it would look like that. Except there would be tons of dandelions and bits of garbage. And probably shit from the neighbors' dogs. And possibly a few lost children. How far do you think Madonna got with Rihanna before finding out she was an actual woman and not just a really sexy transvestite? Why does it look like Rihanna's hair is peeling off?
This woman who got to go on Oprah and ask Brad Pitt a question - would someone do us a favor and kill her?
Does anyone out there know her? Could you at least slap her around a little bit? Maybe bite an ear off? We'd all appreciate it. Thanks.
Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend Adam Shulman is apparently as big a social-climbing turd-bucket as her old boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. "Adam is known as an opportunist," a source told Page 6. "When he was at Brown [University], he went after all the heiresses. It's like Anne is addicted to losers." Aw, poor Anne. These guys must ply her with sob stories about their tough childhoods or something. "And then when I was seven my little doggy Patches ran out into the street and got run over by the UPS man." And Anne's blubbering and handing over credit cards. Stupid bitch.
WHICH talk-show host has a flatulence problem so bad, he's said to have an assistant follow him around with an odor-vaporizing spray can?
I immediately thought of Carson Daly. Uh...but does he still have a talk show? I don't know. Can't be Craig Ferguson - he might have fart problems but I doubt he'd bother having someone follow him around with a spray can. He'd just let fly. Montel Williams seems likely but I'm almost certain he no longer has a show.
Yes, she's angry - even more angry than you would normally expect from a militant lesbian. It's all because of Lindsay and her lingering interest in dick - and dick's lingering interest in her. Calum Best's dick, mainly. Sam doesn't want that particular dick sniffing around Lindsay. But Calum kept popping up at the same clubs as Sam and Lindz last weekend in the UK and though Lindsay pretended not to be interested - well, Sam knows her lady. So now Calum's dick is in danger of being put in a vice and removed with a rusty hacksaw. I wouldn't mess with Sam if I were Calum. That is some serious lesbo love there, at least on Sam's part. Lindsay ain't fine enough ass for any man to risk his dick over anymore, unless he's just looking to get into the tabloids. The Geldof girls are much safer bets now or maybe Emma Watson.
Hugh Jackman has been named the Sexiest Man Alive by whoever decides those things. Now someone needs to come with the pictures of him spread out on some Medieval torture-bed, face-down, getting fisted by a robot monkey. Sorry, that's just a little personal fantasy of mine. Hugh can be Sexiest Man Alive if he wants, and keep his clothes on, and do whatever he wants with his asshole and his robot monkey if he has one. How much did the producers of Australia pay for this publicity by the way? If Nicole Kidman shows up as the Sexiest Woman Alive, we'll know there's been some chicanery. Nicole ain't sexy. I don't think she's even technically a woman. Soon she'll be just a set of giant, freakishly-taut lips, a fright wig and a withered body dangling from poorly-concealed wires.
GQ Awards. Eva Longoria and Posh. Any lesbian fantasies there? No? Hetero guys not getting all hot thinking about Eva licking Posh's tuna? How about David Beckham and Tony Parker? Filthy foreign man-love. Actually, I don't think that's a fantasy. In fact I'm almost positive David and Tony have done it. Oh, slanderous. Fuck them. If those bastards aren't gay then no one is.
You can tell Jon Hamm hasn't been at it long - he looks like he just got caught pinching stationary. Leonardo needs to give him some pointers on how to look suave in front of a camera. Okay, that's not really suave - it's more smug. Wow, where did the hot go Leo? You're fading fast. Now get the hell out of the shot - there's a real man we all want to look at. Don Fucking Draper. Yeah baby.
When did Chris Klein turn into Vincent Gallo? Man, losing Katie to Gay Tom must've really messed this guy up. I bet he sends creepy presents to Katie. Old pictures of them pasted to notebook paper with weird shit scrawled on it. Dolls with nooses around the necks. Scented candles.