America's Sweethearts

Tom and Katie went out to Nobu with Posh and Becks. Katie had a flat on the way but luckily, Tom carries a spare. Is it just me or does his cranium look very weird? Weirder than most craniums? Another question: How far does Tom's career have to slip before Posh stops wanting to hang out?

This Is Why I Have Protective Services On Speed Dial

I know for a fact that the toy giraffe little Harlow's chewing on in this picture was made in China. Out of the ground-up bones of sweatshop laborers who died in horrible industrial accidents. Mixed with melamine. And laced with an extract made from dog kidneys and panda eyes. Not only is it unhealthy for the kid to be chewing on that giraffe, but I'm pretty sure Greenpeace is pissed about it too. Not to mention how Hayden Panettiere feels. Doesn't Nicole care about Hayden's feelings? Callous bitch.

Brave Lads

How brave of the Jonas Brothers - writing a book all about their struggles with venereal disease. This will help so many people. Way to go young lads. You are an example to us all (and especially those who want to have sex with Taylor Swift).

Ooh...SMOKing...

Gwyneth Paltrow talked to Gotham magazine about growing up in New York. Listing her favorite things about her childhood, Paltrow said:

Underage smoking on stoops of brownstones, going to museums, the seasons, and how great a school Spence was.

Yes, Gwyneth was a rebel - she used to sneak cigs on stoops when she was 15. But she was one of those arty rebels who liked museums. She knew she was destined for something better than what all the other girls longed for - those horrid, predictable dreams of marrying handsome squares or becoming high-class call girls who throw themselves out of windows in fits of boredom.

Sorry But I Don't Believe In The Cosmos Exacting Revenge

If there were such a thing as karma or whatever, then this picture would be captioned: "The late singer Brandy, just seconds before being run down by a drunken Solange Knowles."

You Wanna Tell Him Or Should I?

Dear Alex Rodriguez: It's not necessarily gay to go to a Madonna concert. It's also not necessarily gay to wear a scarf. But both at once? Um...gay.

Woah. Creepy.

Tom Cruise has been guilty of many creepy expressions but this one has to take the cake. That is a dude who is straining to keep the demons at bay. Also, I think he is going bald. Also, his new Nazi movie looks stupid. Also, David Beckham did not go for Tom's idea to have David spread his buttcheeks and let Tom stuff him like a turkey using his penis.

Turkey Shoot

Blam blam! Blam blam blam! Blam!

The New Kathie Lee

Saw this picture of Miley Cyrus and had a flash...she's destined to become the next Kathie Lee Gifford. It's written in the stars. The chicken bones. The shit-stain patterns in the bottom of my toilet bowl.

Suri's New Babysitter

This is really awesome...Tom and Katie have hired Bea Arthur to babysit Suri! Bea's looking great, isn't she? I love the wig. And Suri seems to really like her. This is the coolest thing Tom and Katie have ever done. Way to go guys!

Still Milking It

Sarah Larson talked to People magazine about how hard it was dating George Clooney. "It was a little nerve-wracking because everybody loves George, and so, to be in the public eye like that, it was a little bit stressful," said the stripper. "It's a lot to take in. I think I just went like a deer in the headlights. At times, I [didn't] know what to do."

George's instructions were pretty clear honey: "Sit on my dick when I say, then stand next to me and shut your mouth while they take our picture." And the hard part was?

Failed Economic Plan

Stephen Gyllenhaal and Naomi Foner are on their way to a divorce, and now we've learned that they are also broke as a joke. Naomi blamed the whole thing on Stephen in the divorce filing, saying, "I have repeatedly asked Stephen to pay his one-half share of our bills, and he has refused to do so." An email to Naomi from Stephen, which is also included in the filing, laid out his plan for dealing with the crisis:

I have been clear that if worse comes to worse, I will let all of this collapse into ruin, just as I believe letting the markets crash and burn [is] the right approach. Pain now for clarity and balance later.

In other words you have no money and you're too lazy to get a job and Maggie and Jake aren't returning your calls. God, what losers these people are. How did they manage to ever spawn a couple of high achievers like Jakey-poo and Pug-Nose? Ambition skips a generation, I guess.

Is The Romance Over?

First we learn that Alex Rodriguez pissed Madonna off by quitting Kabbalah school because it bored him (not enough strippers I guess), and now we see him hanging out with his ex-wife and his kids for the holidays. And they all look pretty happy too. Something tells me Madge is going to have to find a new dumb, pretty, large-peckered plaything to amuse herself with. One who has a little longer attention span maybe.

Don't Mess With Nerds, Boy

"I told that honky if he made one more joke about me looking like Bill Cosby on I Spy I was gonna tell my girl to let him have it. And what happened? Cracker-ass cracker. I got $700 million and what's he got? Food stamp-using motherfucker. The president is a black man now, you cracker son of a bitch. Why don't you move your ass back to Belgium or whatever shithole your people came from you Indian-raping, slave-taking, natural-resource-squandering cocksucker?"

Cause She Got High, Cause She Got High, Cause She Got High...

Now I know why Kristen Stewart always looks like she's stoned - it's cause she's always stoned. I suppose being the new It Girl is pretty stressful and we shouldn't begrudge Kristen the odd pull on the old pipe. She needs to put some shoes on though. That bare feet stuff is just plain gross.

You Thought Your Friend With The New Puppy Was A Pain In The Ass...

Pete Wentz walks up and down the street with a microphone telling everyone he has a baby. "Hey everybody! Guess what? I have a baby! I put my penis in my woman's vagina and before you knew it...poof!" Where's a sword-wielding nut when you need one? Nice shoes by the way. I once puked that color after eating way too many Nerds.

Get Used To It Dude

Robert Pattinson is the new pop-culture obsession. Now his life will become a hell of paps and media scrutiny and people talking shit about him in blogs. Every time he gets drunk and plays grab-ass with a bunch of college girls it will be tabloid news. He won't be able to snort a line or flip his car or participate in a giant gay orgy without being ripped by a lot of self-righteous, jealous assholes. Never again will he be able to pick up a hitchhiker, murder them and dump the body in a quarry without Dlisted guy calling him a bad name and making a joke about his asshole. It's your new normal Pattinson - get used to it.

Britney Blasts Federline

The Shitster told Rolling Stone that Sean Preston has learned to say the word "fuck." I know, I thought the same thing - Rolling Stone is doing cover-stories on Britney Spears? I thought it was a music magazine. I knew it had gone downhill, but I didn't know it was fucking Us Weekly. Anyway, like I was saying, Shit-Shit told Jann Wenner's culturally-irrelevant rag that Sean Preston has been dropping f-bombs faster than he drops loads on the living room floor, and then Shitney said something way funny, which I quote here so you can share my joy:

He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.

Oh yeah - Federline's the bad influence. That's priceless. Thank you Britney for brightening my day. Now I won't have to go out and trip old ladies for fun like I was going to. You've fulfilled my amusement requirement.

Choke On A Turkey Bone And Die, Bitch

Gwyneth Paltrow is the only being on earth wise and experienced enough to handle preparations for Thanksgiving dinner. Thankfully, Gwyneth is not shy about bestowing her vast knowledge on all us mindless peasants who can't even get the turkey out of the plastic and are utterly baffled at the concept of dressing. A sampling of Gwyneth's Turkey Day insight via her site Goop.com:

Turkey will always be the main event of Thanksgiving (at least in my house) and a whole turkey is the way to go if you’re feeding at least 12. But if your party is smaller, the stuffed turkey breast turns out to be a great halfway point. Brining it overnight insures that you don’t need to baste it and it has a quick cooking time. Why should things be any less festive if dinner is just for two? I came up with these stuffed turkey burgers which were a giant hit in my house. They are the perfect solution for anyone who isn’t feeding a big group (or for a big group that wants to try something different!).

I came up with an idea too Gwyneth - if you really want to get into the Thanksgiving spirit, you and everyone in your pathetic, fucked up family should get really wasted, dress up like Indians, go to Gwyneth Paltrow's house, grab her scrawny ass and drag her into the street and beat her with sticks until she is nothing but an unrecognizable carcass! And then you can all take turns fucking what remains of the corpse! Then stuff it and eat it! Yummy yummy cum-filled Thanksgiving Gwyneth Paltrow! And don't forget to chop Chris Martin into little bits and make a pie out of his no-talent Radiohead-ripping-off ass! Happy Thanksgiving fuckfaces!

SP Rampage

This dude - Mario Majorski - was shot to death by a security guard at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood after whipping out a couple Samurai swords and waving them around like a nut. I'm guessing he had some kind of beef with the Scios? We know he wasn't a member of Anonymous - none of those mouth-breathing twats would have the guts to throw down on gun-wielding security guards. By the way, the LA police are investigating whether the security guard was licensed to have a gun. I'm shocked he didn't have some kind of laser beam or nuclear-powered annihilator. These are Scientologists. I thought they had cool stuff. I guess they keep that hidden away in a closet some place. They only whip it out when one of the big-wigs is having a party. Tom especially loves the atomic anal penetrator. Gosh, it's lucky the freak with the swords didn't hurt any Scientology celebrities at the Scientology Celebrity Centre. That would've been awful(ly hilarious).

My Clone, My Controller

Suri has begun wearing the giant glasses. Soon she will have absorbed all of Katie's traits, and then she will be Katie. But who will Katie be? Answer: All of us.

Kidnapper

Does Kate Hudson know Will Ferrell has her kid? Moms - would you trust Will Ferrell with your child? Dads - would you trust yourself with Kate Hudson? Green sweatpants?

Bad Santa

This reminds me of the night I caught Santa in bed with my mom. I heard a funny noise and went down the hall and pushed the door open and...God, the sounds. Santa's red cheeks and his giant penis suddenly lunging at me like a fencer's foil. I've had a thing for pirate movies ever since then. My mom acted really funny at breakfast the next morning. There were no cigarette butts floating in my Cheerios for once and my brother had on matching socks. We went down that afternoon to see Santa at the department store, and my mom seemed nervous the whole way. She ran four red lights. She kept humming "Silent Night" under her breath. We got to the department store but Santa wasn't there. He'd had a heart attack and been hauled away in an ambulance. His female elf was sitting in for him, but I refused to get up in her lap. My mom started talking to the elf, then suddenly slapped her. I think her name was Eileen.

New Rule*

The Jonases need to either start lining up alphabetically or wear nametags. Honestly - I can't even keep my socks sorted; how the fuck am I gonna remember which of these freaks is which? The one on the left pulled the dick-and-dash on Taylor Swift, right? And the one in the middle - I'm pretty sure I saw him lurking around my middle school. He was either trying to buy pot or find a new boyfriend.

(*=copyright Bill Maher)

Stop Kissing Up To The Hillbillies, Bitch

Nicole Kidman says she wants her daughter Friday Rhododendron to speak like a redneck when she grows up. "I hope she has a Southern accent," Kidman told the Nashville Tennesseean in an interview. And busted teeth and freaky eyes - so she can have her own Disney show. Keith needs to get working on his mullet. And I'd book the vaguely suggestive Vanity Fair photoshoot at least five years in advance. Wouldn't want Jamie Lynn Spears's kid beating you to the hillbilly jailbait finish line, would you?

They Still Have Their Memories. Or Not.

Amy Winehouse's marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil is beyond being on the rocks - it is completely over, according to Amy herself. "There’s no way back for us now," Amy said. "It was never going to last. We were only together for sex.

I fancied him like mad, like no one else I’ve ever known. But it’s not enough, is it?"

It definitely wasn't enough for Blake, who is now fucking a model named Sophie Shandorff. On the bright side - at least Amy's fans won't have to endure her endless tributes to him at concerts anymore. Actually, they won't have to endure her concerts at all because she isn't really performing anymore. She's not a musician - she's a sideshow. A manless one. Like a really drunk, tattooed Jen Aniston.

Just Like Daddy

Tom Cruise told Entertainment Tonight that Suri absolutely refuses to wear pants. "Kate finally got her in jeans the other day," Tom said. "We put the pants on and walk away and the pants are off and the dress is on." She wants to make herself pretty so she can find a man and get the fuck out away from you, Tom. Hello? Earth to Xenu-boy!

Another Botox Casualty

Nicole Kidman at a New York screening of Australia. She has to hold her face to keep it from sliding right off. She probably tells everyone she has a headache. Which is silly because she obviously has no feeling left anywhere above her neck. The "tox" in Botox stands for "toxin," Nicole. As in toxic. As in poison. As in box-office poison - another thing you know all about.

Alien Pirate

Oh no - Rihanna lost her eye! She poked it out with her own dick! I told her trying to eye-fuck herself was only going to lead to injury. Oh wait - it was just a prop. What a relief.

What an awesome fog-and-light show. It's just like that KISS concert I went to 20 years ago.

Leaves Of Ass

Coldplay brought their special brand of watered-down crappy music to the American Music Awards. I don't know what the leaves have to do with anything. Maybe they symbolize the audience's desire to make like a tree and leave. Maybe if I listened to the song I would understand. I wonder if Chris Martin pays attention to Gwyneth at home or just tunes her out like the rest of the world does?

Vampires Are Freaks

This is Twilight's Robert Pattinson going in to bite Tyra Banks's neck. Tyra dared him to I guess. He's braver than I am. I wouldn't put my mouth anywhere near that stanky ho. Tyra is clearly excited though. This is the most action she's gotten in ages.

Stinky Ho

"I smell me, y'all."

All Class

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson showed up for some big grand opening in Dubai. Aren't lesbians against the law there? I don't know. Apparently, Sam doesn't get the concept of formal attire. Guns 'n' Roses? Silver sneakers? That face? Lindsay looks, um...well, she's a disaster at this point. 40 miles of bad road doesn't apply anymore. The place that fits Lindsay doesn't even have roads.

This Is News?

The New York Times has a huge expose claiming Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt forced People magazine to promise them good coverage in exchange for the privilege of publishing the first pictures of their twins Knox and Vivienne. Oh, and the mag had to cough up $14 million too. People denies the charges - about the promising good coverage thing, not the money. “Like any news organization, People does purchase photos, but the magazine does not determine editorial content based on the demands of outside parties," said a spokesperson. Yeah right, People people - pull the other one, eh? Everyone knows you fuckers all get in bed with stars. It doesn't really shock us. How else you gonna get access? It's the way the game is played. But don't play it that way then expect us to buy your little innocent act. We ain't naive. You people have no ethics. Neither do I, but at least I admit it.

Freak Show's In Town

These are the Real Housewives - not like those fake ones with their features all in proportion. Where's the two-headed goat at? Good Christ, I think Fellini took this picture.

Hat But No Stache?

Jessica Biel should stop waxing her lip. Then she could get on the hat-and-stache bandwagon. I know - Justin doesn't like the way it tickles. Sucks to be him. You can't let your bitch run your life like that. If you wanna go full Billy Dee Williams, then you should just do it. Don't be going all bearded on us though Jess. You may be half-Sasquatch but that doesn't mean you have to advertise.

Sex And The Flaming Queerbag

Dear Kim Cattrall: You know that whole thing where your boyfriend won't have sex with you? Well, it's not you. I mean, it's not you personally - it's just women in general. Pretty much anything with a vagina is not up his alley. The Botox is working out great for you by the way. You're sexier than Sarah Jessica Parker at least. Then again, so is pretty much everyone.

Pick A Bitch And Run With It

What do we think of Gerard Butler and Mary-Kate Olsen? Good couple? She's hanging off him like some kind of scraggly, pasty-white monkey. I'm guessing Gerard doesn't think of Mary-Kate as girlfriend material. She's good for a fuck and to score some drugs from. Just ask Heath. Er...yeah, you know what I mean.

Ashlee Simpson No Longer Pregnant

Our long national nightmare is over - Ashlee Simpson finally had her baby. The longest pregnancy since Minnie Driver's ended Thursday night when Simpson forced 7 lb., 11 oz. Bronx Mowgli Wentz - not making that up - through her birth canal and into the cold, cold light of the world. Pete Wentz is said be hysterical with joy. Almost gay over it. Ashlee is just grateful for the drugs. Papa Joe will commence ruining the child's life as soon as he can get away from burying his face in Jessica's tits.

Phillippe May Have Knocked Up His Big-Boned Ho

Ryan Phillippe and his giant hulking Aussie girlfriend Abbie Cornish are rumored to be expecting a kid. Abbie would be the pregnant one in this case even though Phillippe is more womanish. The rumor got started in the usual way - someone saw the couple shopping for baby shit and jumped to a giant conclusion. Celeb couples never go out buying baby shit for other people you know. Phillippe already has kids by munchkin bitch Reese Witherspoon and probably some illegitimate ones floating around. He's such a horndog.

Serving One Up

Keira Knightley discussed the difficulties of wearing a corset - something she's familiar with from all those stuffy period films she's always doing. Keira said, "It's obvious why women were called the weaker sex, because you can hardly breathe [in a corset]. It's a fight just to get oxygen to your brain." Darling Keira. We know you're so beautiful and smart and talented and we would never say an unkind word about you. You lovely, fascinating creature.

Check Lohan's Trunk

Rachel Zoe has fled her West Hollywood home after it was broken into and some thousands of dollars worth of designer crap was stolen. Dear Rachel: Wanna know where your stuff is? Just get a search warrant for Lindsay Lohan's trunk. She's a klepto. Actually, Rachel is reportedly planning on moving in to Sierra Tower where Lindsay herself once resided before being kicked out for turning the place into one huge party pad. Why did I just tell you that? Do you care where Rachel Zoe is going to live? No. I hope the Sierra Tower people have a lot of Glade on-hand - you just know this bitch reeks.

The Two Styles Of Katie

This is really sad isn't it? It's like the two sides of Katie are warring. The old Katie that wore shorts and wrinkled shirts and knew how to live is trying to come out but the new Katie of scarves and oversized sunglasses and taut-lipped severity is fighting her off. "Stay down happy-girl. We're Tom's now. We're not allowed to roll around in the grass till we've got leaves in our hair or play on the swings or smile or feel." She can't even wait for Chris Klein to rescue her, now that Chris has turned into a slimy guy who haunts airport bars. Who will save Katie?

Ball-Clutcher

Clooney is making a movie called Men Who Stare at Goats. Not Men Who Hump Goats. That would require him to wear a headscarf. He looks like Dennis Farina again. Except Farina wouldn't wear camo pants. Unless he was also humping goats.

Rihanna Went Home With Tons Of Kabbalah Literature And A Hickey On Her Thigh

Madonna went to some Gucci event dressed as my lawn. Okay I don't have a lawn. But if I had one it would look like that. Except there would be tons of dandelions and bits of garbage. And probably shit from the neighbors' dogs. And possibly a few lost children. How far do you think Madonna got with Rihanna before finding out she was an actual woman and not just a really sexy transvestite? Why does it look like Rihanna's hair is peeling off?

What We're Up Against

This woman who got to go on Oprah and ask Brad Pitt a question - would someone do us a favor and kill her?

Does anyone out there know her? Could you at least slap her around a little bit? Maybe bite an ear off? We'd all appreciate it. Thanks.

She Hasn't Learned

Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend Adam Shulman is apparently as big a social-climbing turd-bucket as her old boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. "Adam is known as an opportunist," a source told Page 6. "When he was at Brown [University], he went after all the heiresses. It's like Anne is addicted to losers." Aw, poor Anne. These guys must ply her with sob stories about their tough childhoods or something. "And then when I was seven my little doggy Patches ran out into the street and got run over by the UPS man." And Anne's blubbering and handing over credit cards. Stupid bitch.

Mr. Farty-Fart

Page 6 blind item:

WHICH talk-show host has a flatulence problem so bad, he's said to have an assistant follow him around with an odor-vaporizing spray can?

I immediately thought of Carson Daly. Uh...but does he still have a talk show? I don't know. Can't be Craig Ferguson - he might have fart problems but I doubt he'd bother having someone follow him around with a spray can. He'd just let fly. Montel Williams seems likely but I'm almost certain he no longer has a show.

Don't Mess With The Ronson

Yes, she's angry - even more angry than you would normally expect from a militant lesbian. It's all because of Lindsay and her lingering interest in dick - and dick's lingering interest in her. Calum Best's dick, mainly. Sam doesn't want that particular dick sniffing around Lindsay. But Calum kept popping up at the same clubs as Sam and Lindz last weekend in the UK and though Lindsay pretended not to be interested - well, Sam knows her lady. So now Calum's dick is in danger of being put in a vice and removed with a rusty hacksaw. I wouldn't mess with Sam if I were Calum. That is some serious lesbo love there, at least on Sam's part. Lindsay ain't fine enough ass for any man to risk his dick over anymore, unless he's just looking to get into the tabloids. The Geldof girls are much safer bets now or maybe Emma Watson.

Sexiest Man Alive?

Hugh Jackman has been named the Sexiest Man Alive by whoever decides those things. Now someone needs to come with the pictures of him spread out on some Medieval torture-bed, face-down, getting fisted by a robot monkey. Sorry, that's just a little personal fantasy of mine. Hugh can be Sexiest Man Alive if he wants, and keep his clothes on, and do whatever he wants with his asshole and his robot monkey if he has one. How much did the producers of Australia pay for this publicity by the way? If Nicole Kidman shows up as the Sexiest Woman Alive, we'll know there's been some chicanery. Nicole ain't sexy. I don't think she's even technically a woman. Soon she'll be just a set of giant, freakishly-taut lips, a fright wig and a withered body dangling from poorly-concealed wires.

Night Of Twats

GQ Awards. Eva Longoria and Posh. Any lesbian fantasies there? No? Hetero guys not getting all hot thinking about Eva licking Posh's tuna? How about David Beckham and Tony Parker? Filthy foreign man-love. Actually, I don't think that's a fantasy. In fact I'm almost positive David and Tony have done it. Oh, slanderous. Fuck them. If those bastards aren't gay then no one is.

Hamm And The Hameater

You can tell Jon Hamm hasn't been at it long - he looks like he just got caught pinching stationary. Leonardo needs to give him some pointers on how to look suave in front of a camera. Okay, that's not really suave - it's more smug. Wow, where did the hot go Leo? You're fading fast. Now get the hell out of the shot - there's a real man we all want to look at. Don Fucking Draper. Yeah baby.

Suri's Dad Has Changed

When did Chris Klein turn into Vincent Gallo? Man, losing Katie to Gay Tom must've really messed this guy up. I bet he sends creepy presents to Katie. Old pictures of them pasted to notebook paper with weird shit scrawled on it. Dolls with nooses around the necks. Scented candles.

Sad Britney

Britney Spears is not in a good place in her life. Britney thinks people are controlling her too much and she's unhappy and life is like jail. "I have really good days, and then I have bad days," Britney says in a new documentary some schmo made about her. "If I wasn't under the restraints that I'm under right now, I'd feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it's like they hear me, but they're really not listening." It's called being humored dear. It's what people do to you when you're nutty as fuck. Do they say, "That's nice, Britney," a lot? I bet they do. But you should be used to it by now. You're their meal-ticket. Your feelings don't matter. Your little need to feel liberated. Fuck that. Go make another shitty record and some more shitty videos and don't forget to sign the checks over to papa so he can cash them and buy himself a new Ferrari. It's really not that complicated hon - take a bunch of money out of the bank, throw on a wig, buy a plane ticket and run for it. Oh, right - you don't know how to get money out of the bank or buy a plane ticket. I guess you're fucked then. Sucks to be you.

No. No No No No No.

Winehouse - I said ditch the curls and go back to the beehive. I didn't say combine the curls and the beehive. Now it just looks like the beehive is shitting curls. How does the beehive stay on? How do you stay up?

Dear Santa...

If I wake up Christmas morning and tip-toe down and find anything like this in my stocking? I will hunt you down. I will open your big fat jolly roly-poly belly with my Rambo knife and gut you and use the guts to decorate my tree. Got that motherfucker?

In Your Face, Jolie

This is great - Charlize Theron was just named a UN Messenger of Peace, got a plaque and a ceremony and the whole bit. And what exactly did she do to achieve this? I have no idea. Can't remember seeing a single picture of her sobbing in front of a dirty, fly-covered orphan. Don't recall her comforting even one refugee in one shithole. Yet, she is a UN Messenger of Peace. See Angie? You don't need to try nearly so hard. Just give a bunch of money to the right people and be famous and look good in a picture holding your plaque. That's all the world expects of you. It will laud you for that. It will treat you like a hero. You barely even have to set down your apple bong.

Hype Machine

The hype over this Twilight shit has been insane. Okay, I get it - it's Harry Potter for chicks. Vampire dude and his teenage girlfriend. Made a gazillion bucks. Robert Pattinson causing little girls to wet their panties. The previews are so lame I laugh. What's with them in that tree? So it's Hannah Montana then this then, what...straight to stripper school? Kristen Stewart's dress is hideous here. Pattinson looks like he would gladly rape her right there on the red carpet. I don't like these people. I don't trust them.

They're Going Through With It Then

If there are pictures of Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman at the premiere of Australia then that must mean they're actually releasing the movie. Despite the fact that they were apparently still shooting it up until about five minutes ago, and it had to be cut way down because they were afraid of suicides. Seriously - I would rather sit through Ishtar five more times than see this movie once. I would rather have Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty do a comedy routine in my bedroom for six hours while high on meth. I would rather have Elaine May pummel me with her big saggy old lady tits. I would rather be gang-raped by ten rabid camels. I would rather have Charles Grodin lecture me about politics for five days then grease himself up and climb in my asshole and light a campfire and start singing "Waltzing Matilda." I really don't wanna see this movie. Have I made that clear?

She'll Fuck Anything

Does she know it's not a real dog? Does she care?

Don't Stop On Our Account

Courtney Love so outdid herself with one of her recent MySpace blog rants that she had to issue a statement insisting she isn't on the verge of killing herself. "No, I am not suicidal. Occasionally, like all of us, I get depressed." Dear Courtney - no sentence you write or speak should ever include the phrase "like all of us." I say this on behalf of the rest of humanity. We do not want to be associated with you.

I would link to the blog post that had everyone worried about Courtney but I honestly can't decipher any of them. She does say she's not going to blog anymore because it upsets her daughter. So apparently her daughter is able to understand them more or less.

Angie Gets Stuck In Hibernate

This same shit happened to me once - my computer went into hibernate and then wouldn't come out. I moved the mouse, hit the power button, went control-alt-delete - all ineffective. I finally had to just unplug the thing and plug it back in. I think it's time for Angie to reformat her hard-drive and reinstall her OS. Maybe she should consider switching to Linux too. Be embarrassing if this kept happening.

Where's Jen?

Jason Lewis goes for a dip. Aniston wishes she was down underneath him getting tickled by his fart-bubbles. But she's not. She's off somewhere making Courteney Cox's life miserable. Dear Jen: Courteney's married. She has her own life. Leave her alone for five minutes. Get a man for Christ's sake. Yes, I know - Mayer. I said get a man.

Forget The Hat-And-Stache

Hugh Jackman's own variation on the hat-and-stache - the hat-and-stubble. Yes, I didn't believe it was Hugh when I first saw it either. I thought it was Aguilera's dopey husband. But I've been assured that this is indeed Jackman. Oh look - the kid's dressed up like Snow White. Is she going to a sleepover at the Beckhams'?

Scarlett Johansson Thinks People Care About Her Words

People ask Scarlett Johansson questions and she answers, apparently believing someone cares. Recently someone asked Scarlett about a feud she was supposedly having with Lindsay Lohan, who once apparently wrote something nasty about Scarlett in a bathroom stall, and Scarlett replied:

I really don’t know that person. I only met her, like, three times.

Yeah yeah yeah. Now shut up so the heteros can enjoy your tits. Juicy ones ain't they? I've got an idea ScarJo - why don't you and LiLo get together and make a lesbian porno? I guarantee it would easily outgross any of your "legitimate" Hollywood films. It would probably outgross all of them put together. Both yours and Lohan's.

Dear Prince - Go Fornicate Yourself, You Washed-Up Midget

Prince thinks homosexuality is evil. He's a Jehova's Witness now (who knew?) and when someone asked him his opinion on gay marriage he fondled his Bible and said, "God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, 'Enough.'" Yeah? Well, I have it on good authority that this is not what happened. I know from my sources that God came down and saw all that sticking and what not and immediately joined in, but suddenly got all uncool when his boyfriend showed up all pissed. God's boyfriend has always been a drag that way. But those mushroom eating goat-fuckers who wrote the Bible twisted the whole thing around so now Prince and other mindless drones have a book to hold up as proof of their righteousness. Well, whatever Prince. I still love your stuff. Nothing can make me stop listening to "Purple Rain" and "Little Red Corvette." Even you being a complete intolerant asshole.

No Greasy Bear Zone

An unnamed "high-end underground casino in West Hollywood" has added itself to the long list of places Brandon Davis is not allowed inside. That list already included all of Las Vegas, most of the big clubs in New York and L.A. and Paris Hilton's vagina. Soon Brandon will be reduced to passing out on the floors of dive bars full of toothless Vietnam vets and one-armed topless waitresses. Who am I kidding - he's already there. Until even those places begin throwing him out. Nobody likes a jerk Brandon.

Stop It

Now Posh dressed her kid up like Robin. Who the hell puts a costume on their child every time they go out like this? Isn't this going to scar the child or at the very least make him kinda gay? Is that what Posh is going for? Is she hoping for a whole house full of little fairies? Not that there's anything wrong with that...actually, it could be sort of sweet. They could all learn interior decorating. Posh would have the most awesome house ever. She could lay there on the couch chomping pretzels (with the salt scraped off) and barking orders that everyone ignores because she has no style sense whatsoever. "No mother, black leather drapes would not be cool. Now shut up and drink your pea juice you cuntless mutant."

Does it Light Up?

I don't know why the Victoria's Secret people think shit like this is necessary. Don't they know they're just distracting all the wankers from their wanking? They don't know if they're supposed to jerk off to this or cut it out and pin it to their lapel in honor of some disease.

Poor Taylor

Joe Jonas and his bitch Camilla Belle are vacationing in Mexico. Taylor Swift is home cutting Jonas's pictures out of Tiger Beat and pasting them into a Hate Book. "Joe Jonas's armpits stink and his kisses taste gross like Doritos." Poor Taylor. She needs to find herself a 20-year-old underwear model. Maybe she could steal Miley's. Shouldn't be too hard. The only problem is, you have to pry him away from Miley's mom too. And you know how those old bitches hold on.

Scoliosis Much?

What's wrong with Matthew McConaughey's back? He looks like one of those really bad crip-walking people, the kind whose torsos bob severely back and forth as they attempt to drag themselves three blocks. Just get a god damn scooter thingie. Christ, if I was that fucked up, I'd have two of those things - one for going to the store and one for off-roading on weekends. I'd have the things all pimped out with flames and those pipes that shoot smoke and the rest of that hetero crap. Matthew would probably just stay home smoking weed, dreaming of surfing and tickling Lance Armstrong's ballsack. Ah, those were the days.

There's No Love Like Brad's Love

Angie opened her big yap for Australia's Herald Sun and this nugget came flopping out, concerning Brad's love for the new twins:

He’s just so happy and having twins is something neither of us ever expected and I think that makes it all the more special for us both. When I see how much love is in Brad’s eyes for the twins and for all our children — it’s a very moving experience for me. I never wanted to become pregnant and have children that way unless I had come to know Brad and see how loving he was with Maddox and Pax. So that was a big step for me.

It's a stab at Jon Voight. "I never wanted to become pregnant and have children that way unless I had come to know Brad and see how loving he was with Maddox and Pax." Yes, Angie has witnessed the horrors of an unloving father. Now she doesn't have to worry about her kids being deprived of affection and proper cars for showing off to the other kids in high school. Angie's terrible childhood conditioned her to understand the suffering of all those poor people out there in all those icky countries with "stan" at the ends of their names. That fucker Voight probably wouldn't even give her a credit card of her own! So of course she knows what it's like for people who eat a handful of maggoty rice once a month, drink water from rivers full of rotting corpses and have to sell their newborn daughters to Gary Glitter just to go on living. She cares! Have you gotten the message yet?

You Will Know Me By The Trail Of Douchery

What's going on with Kanye West? Bitch got arrested early Friday morning in England for, you guessed it, getting in an altercation with a pap. The snapper, who incidentally made a similar assault claim against a soccer player a month ago, says Kanye got irritated at him while exiting a club with 4 hookers on his arms, and shoved his camera into his face and bloodied his nose. The cops looked into it but released Kanye without charges. It wasn't long ago, we recall, that Kanye was arrested at LAX for going all Kanye on another photographer, breaking the man's equipment. I guess it's all-out war between Kanye and the paps. The paps better start bringing the heavy shit if they expect to survive this epic struggle. For Kanye is the greatest of all warriors and will open up a can of whup-ass on anyone who dares take his picture at 3 in the morning when he's trying to get to the hotel room with his hos. Does he wear his backpack when he goes out to the club?

Jen Bags A Man...On TV

Jennifer Aniston guested on 30 Rock, dressed up like a French maid and sucked face with Alec Baldwin. Wow. And she didn't pass out from the blast of booze-breath? She's such a trouper. And so is he. Cause you just know Jen had to do more than one take. "I didn't feel like we really got it that time." And Baldwin's like, "Can I get some lip balm in here? And perhaps a tranquilizer gun?" That's after take 30. Jen just wants a man to touch her - she doesn't care if it's only for TV and it's a Baldwin. "Um, Jen...you're only supposed to kiss him in this scene, not take his pants down and start stroking him off." She gets over-enthusiastic sometimes - like a dog.

A Friend In Need Is A Pain In The Arse

Posh and Becks took their pal Madonna out to dinner at Nobu. This is them driving home. They don't look happy. That's what happens when you hang out with Madonna. She's more depressing than that commercial with Sarah McLachlan and the one-eyed puppies. Sorry, but I have to change the channel every time that comes on. It makes me start to blubber and then I just want to chomp ice cream or perhaps kill myself by running head-long into an on-coming bus. I'm guessing Poshy and Becksy wish they'd never met Madonna about now. She's more annoying than Jennifer Aniston after yet another break-up. She's more annoying than Tom Cruise during one of his 3 am gay attacks.

Criminal Masterminds

Ryan O'Neal and his monkey-ass son Redmond appeared in court yesterday, where their lawyer convinced the judge to hold their case over until January. In case you'd forgotten, Ryan and Redmond were arrested in September for possession of crystal meth. That was the Thanksgiving meth too! Now the holidays are totally ruined. What do you think Farah Fawcett thinks when she realizes she had sex with Ryan O'Neal? She probably wishes the cancer would take her.

Grace And Beauty

"Hey look everybody - I'm in the Ice Follies. Eat my runny shit Dorothy Hamill!"

Now she's Harpo?

Grandma Forgets

Goldie Hawn is starting to slip. First you forget to put on your bra, then you forget where you live, then you just plumb forget. The kids should get a GPS tracking chip implanted - makes it easier when she starts wandering around the neighborhood looking for the dog she lost when she was six.

Goop This

Moses is only two but I bet he's already learned all about resentment. Can you imagine being that bitch's child? There ain't any crayon drawings on that kid's wall, let's just put it that way.

Pluck You

Doesn't anyone pluck? I'm not complaining - I like 'em hairy. I'm just asking as a matter of anthropological curiosity. This youth culture is strange and mysterious to me. It's clearly very gay - again, not a bad thing.

Caption: Will trade swag for butt-sex.

Like A Rhinestone Homo...

Nothing says country bad-ass like a rhinestone-studded cowboy hat. Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't even know how gay he comes off. It doesn't help having Justin Gaston next to him, looking like his boy-slave all cleaned off and dressed up for the night. "I can still smell a little bit of shit and jizz boy-slave. Go spray yourself down with another gallon of TAG." Country people make me laugh. Always with the mudflaps and the incest and the dragging black people to death behind pick-up trucks...

More Hat-And-Stache Fun

Now the hat-and-stache craze has gotten Jude Law. We need to get our top scientists on this thing right now. This epidemic has to be stopped. Yellow fever? Polio? Gayface? These are nothing compared to the Hat-and-Stache. This pestilence threatens the very fabric of our society. Why am I the only one who sees this? I feel like Kevin McCarthy at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. You're next!!!

They're What?

Billy Ray Cyrus invited Barack Obama's young daughters to be on Hannah Montana with his slutty daughter Miley Cyrus, but now the hillbilly is backtracking on the invitation. "Oh, to tell you the truth now, this thing got a lot bigger, a lot quicker than I ever planned," Billy Ray sniveled to reporters. Translation: "Somebody told me Barack Obama and his kids were black. Can you imagine? A negro in the White House? What the hell's next? A Chinaman at the Grand Ol' Opry? Ain't nothing sacred in this world anymore?" Billy Ray then suggested VP-elect Joe Biden's kids could be on the show - and then someone told him Biden was Catholic and he almost shit his pants. "They still have them Catholics? Well sheeeeeit. I need to read a newspaper more often, dagnubbit. And I suppose the Chief of Staff is a damn Jew. He is? Consarnit right to tarnation! Somebody give me a jug o' moonshine and a dog to go to town with. I gotta escape this fliggered-up topsy-turvy world."

Get Over It Albino Bitch

Taylor Swift (pictured above at last night's Cuntry Music Awards) won't shut up about what a pile of crap ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas is. Yesterday it came out that Joe was dating obscure film actress Camilla Belle, and now Taylor says Joe and Camilla were the reason she and Joe broke up. Actually honey, it's like this: Joe realized what an insufferable little twat you are and found another bitch to ride - therefore you are the reason you and Joe broke up. Also, he got sick of having to give directions while you were trying to suck him off. Men expect you to just know that sort of stuff. I thought all country girls were well-versed in the care and handling of dick but apparently I was wrong.

Miley CMA

Miley Cyrus got all dressed-up like a big girl and went to the Cuntry Music Awards last night. That dress looks like an old bloody rag. They should stop letting her pick out her own clothes. They should stop letting her do her own make-up. They should just stop.

Where was Justin Gaston? In the back giving Miley's mom a ride - while Billy Ray took pictures.

Breaking News: Jail Sucks

Raffaello Follieri is not enjoying life in a federal lockup. The con-artist and former boyfriend of Anne Hathaway (before she ratted him out to the cops and dumped him) has complained to his lawyer that his new digs at Brooklyn's Metropolitan Detention Center stink intolerably, are infested with rats and have shit-smeared showers and bad food. Uh...that's why it's called jail hon. Did you think it was some ritzy hotel in Monaco you were staying at using money you'd stolen from the Catholics? "The room service is slower than hell in this place. And what's with this view?" Follieri is reportedly staying in a dorm he shares with 120 other unwashed men. Sounds like a bit of heaven to me. Stop bitching you little bitch.

Waxy Witch

What kind of magic shit did Nicole Kidman put in her hair to get that witchy frizziness out of it? Nicole's playing a tranny in a new movie with Charlize Theron. And she's got Australia coming out with Hugh Jackman, which is looking like a gigantic flop. Bigger than Far and Away. Bigger than The Invasion. Bigger than her marriage to Tom Cruise. Bigger than Tom's brief stab at heterosexuality.

Garbage Man

Oh man I hate it when this happens. I'm rolling my trash out to the curb and all of a sudden some asshole is taking my picture. And later on I find the same asshole going through my garbage and I'm like, "Why are you going through my garbage?" and he's like, "I'm not going through your garbage, you dumb ass. You're not a celebrity. Why the hell would anyone care about your garbage?" and I'm like, "You've got a point." And then I invite him in for chicken fingers and grape Kool-Aid. Anyway, I'm sure Patrick Dempsey is sick of people taking his picture when he's just doing normal stuff like rolling his garbage out and picking up the dry-cleaning. Maybe if he tried being less hot, people would stop taking his picture. Eh...they still take pictures of Andy Dick all the time. So I guess that wouldn't help.

Paula Abdul? Really?

Horribly sad story...some daffy American Idol reject named Paula Goodspeed killed herself via OD while sitting in her car outside Paula Abdul's house. Come to find out this Goodspeed woman was obsessed with Abdul, and even called the AI judge her "secret crush." Damn. Not only is Paula crazy and on drugs, but her fans are too. Video is available of the unfortunate Ms. Goodspeed appearing on Idol:

You know Seacrest is just jealous as hell. He's on the phone to his agent right now demanding a crazy, suicidal stalker of his own. That bitch Paula - always hogging the spotlight.

Old Men With Moustaches And Hats

Sexy movie stars all turn into old men with moustaches and hats. And gray hairs on their chests and prescriptions for erectile dysfunction medications and titanium hip joints. They all end up playing golf and fucking foreign chicks with small breasts. They wear driving gloves. Fucking driving gloves!!!!

Hey Dickface

Dolphin noses look just like penises. I never noticed that. I wish I could eat fish with my penis. In other news: Cindy McCain is fucking another guy!!!!

Cry Me A River, Bitch

Oh no! Angelina Jolie has jet-lag from flying all over the world on her vital missions of publicity mercy! "I woke up at 3 in the morning with four kids with jet lag and two babies," Jolie sobbed after a recent appearance. "I put myself together for a few hours and go out. And then I go home. This is my job." Oh, so it's your "job" to accumulate kids like Andy Dick rings up misdemeanor charges. Gosh Angie, you're so committed. A round of applause for Angie the most dedicated, caring individual in the world. I'm starting to tear up here. By the way, Angie - have you seen Shiloh lately? Oh my God! She's probably being sold to a sex-slave ring even as we speak!
Somebody stake out Gary Glitter's place. And keep an eye on Donald Trump too - I don't trust that purse-lipped fucker.

V For...

...Vapid Twat. Oh wait...it's Beyonce. I thought it was Tyra. Sorry. In that case it should be V for...

...Vagina Something or Other. Sorry I couldn't think of anything.

Look What She's Missing

Jennifer Aniston - you could be all over that, girl. You could have that sweet sweet Vince Vaughn cock in you every damn night. But you blew it just like you always blow it. So you're stuck being a yo-yo for John Mayer who, closed-circuit to you sweetie, is never going to settle down with you and have babies. There will always be another ho for Mayer. But, apparently, you enjoy the rejection. You are caught in some kind of perpetual heartbreak loop. You have some deep psychological need to replay the devastation of Brad Pitt dumping you for Angelina over and over. Your life is a romantic Twilight Zone.

Kiddie Dress-Up

I wish I was Posh's kid. I'd get to dress up like Steve Irwin and go to the grocery store to buy frozen peas and laxative. I'd get to stare down the paps like Keira Knightley on the rag. I'd get to stay up all night watching Spice World on a continuous loop while daddy was in the other room oiling up Will Smith and mommy was upstairs counting her pubic hairs. What a life.

Hypno-Bitch

Miley Cyrus is trying to hypnotize me with her eyes. "Buy my records. See my movies. Watch my TV show. No I'm not having sex with a 20-year-old underwear model. I swear on my father's deceased mullet. Now stop talking about it and buy my shit. Buy two of everything. I swear to God I'm a virgin. My dad says it doesn't count if the guy pulls out. Damn I'm one freaky little bitch. I swear to God I've never been ejaculated on by a Jonas Brother. They're all gay, don't you know?"

Is She In Character Yet?

Nicole Kidman will reportedly play a tranny in a new movie co-starring Charlize Theron as her lover. This sounds like perfect casting to me. Except for the part about Charlize wanting to have sex with Nicole Kidman. Even Keith Urban doesn't want to have sex with Nicole Kidman. The only one who wants to have sex with Nicole Kidman is her plastic surgeon, and that's just out of gratitude.

At least Nicole has finally decided to be realistic about her choice of roles. Let's face it - "real woman" is something that's long been out of her range. And even tranny is stretching it - unless the tranny is half-human/half-wax-dummy.

Thanks A Lot, Bitch

If it weren't for people like Jewel blazing a trail for over-earnest, bland chick singers about 10 years back, we would not now have to suffer people like Ingrid Michaelson, who I would gladly smack in the face with a shovel. You just want to be OK? Well, when I hear your song, I just want to be deaf.

Still Not Right

No. Winehouse. Go back to the beehive. What are you, a washer-woman? Come on...everyone knows you never wash anything. Including yourself. By the way, where's Blake? Oh right - in "rehab." Well, excuse me while I go eat some "health food." TV's not the only thing in the sewer, by the way.

Fraud

Why is Liv Tyler so happy? It's cause she knows she's put one over on everyone. "Can you believe I actually have a career? In movies? Acting in them? In major parts?" Honestly, I've dug lint out of my bellybutton that had more talent. I've eaten croutons that possessed more personality.

Such A Doll

Christina Aguliera continues her quest to transform herself into a doll - of herself. She is now officially 75% plastic. Really skanky plastic. She sleeps in a big box and uses giant combs with four tines. I used to play with dolls a lot when I was younger. I used to pop their heads off and stick them on pencils. My shrink said I was acting out. He's dead now.

Still Alive

Photographic proof that Jayden James is still alive. Can't see if Jamie Lynn looks pregnant. The place said this picture was taken at an "alligator farm." Britney asked for some alligator seeds so she could plant her own. No, I kid. Of course Britney knows you don't grow alligators like plants. That's only crocodiles.

Why does little JJ look like he wishes he could go live with the alligators?

Aniston Hired Him

Brad Pitt is probably wondering what the fuck's up with humanity after getting pushed around by a plainclothes security guard at the L.A. premiere of his new movie The Curious Case of Bernie Buttcheeks. Here's the scoop: The Pittster reportedly arrived early for the big event at Westwood's Bruin Theater, cause every minute he spends somewhere like that is another minute he doesn't have to spend with you know who, and was of course beset by the usual crush of paps. So Mr. Dumbfuck Security Guard gets swept up in the tide of snappers and what does he decide to do? Kick some pap-ass? No. He decides to grab hold of Brad and start man-humping him like people used to want to do before Brad turned into Uncle Murray the Cat-Poisoner. Brad did manage to wriggle free of the doof and flee up a flight of stairs. Where he spent the rest of the night in the fetal position moaning for George Clooney to come and save him from the bad man. When reached for a comment, Jennifer Aniston said, "Haaaaa!"

The Daily Randomness

No, I don't know why Miley Cyrus and her mom are hanging out with Stephen Baldwin. I don't know why Baldwins all insist on doing that with their mouths all the time. I don't know why Miley looks vaguely terrified. If mom's eyes were any closer together she'd be a Cyclops.

President Boy

Lindsay Lohan shouldn't do interviews. For one thing, she looks like deep-fried shit. For another thing...did she just say what I thought she said? Barack Obama is our first "colored" president? Oh my stars. They'll have to put in a second drinking fountain at the White House for him. Well, I suppose it's possible that's not what Lindsay actually said...she tends to mumble every other word like she isn't quite sure about what she's saying. It's like her brain is attempting to intervene on her behalf but the signal can't get through her boozed-up nervous system fast enough. Poor Lindsay. She didn't have enough trouble already.

There's Always Used-Up Skanks Monthly

Tara Reid knows she's in busted-ass shape and bitch is all right with that. "Would I do the cover of Playboy?" Tara said. "No. But my boyfriend thinks I'm sexy, and that's all I care about.

"I know there are problems with my stomach. There are bumps on it, it's uneven, but it's not that bad. My stomach scars are my battle wounds."

This is Veteran's Day and I find that last remark offensive. Battle wounds are when you take shrapnel or get your limbs blown off in a war to make money for George Bush's friends. Tara's shit is just plain fucked-up and no way can she blame it on George Bush and his murdering cronies. I don't think.

What The Hell, Chineses?

The Chinese are all mad at legendary actress Gong Li (or Li Gong if you wanna go that way) for taking Singaporean citizenship (her husband is from Singapore), and some have gone so far as to brand her a traitor. Yeah? Well, maybe Gong Li is just sick of living in a country that poisons its babies with bad milk and tells little singing girls their teeth are too busted to be on TV so someone has to lip-sync their beautiful song in their place. Or maybe the restaurants in Singapore just serve better dog-based dishes. Sucks for you Chineses. You'll just have to find another pair of national titties to think about when you're yanking on your little three-inch winkies.

More History Made

Isaiah Washington, who was famously canned from Grey's Anatomy after going all homophobic nutjob on T.R. Knight, thinks actress Brooke Smith's firing from the same show - in the middle of her lesbian love plotline - is plain jacked-up. Said Washington, "I looked at a brilliant actress, whom I have adored since I first saw her in Silence of the Lambs...for her to be treated this way, I find very interesting." And I find it interesting that a black person is sticking up for a lesbian. It's just a month for making history I guess.

Furry Fuggenfreak

Everyone's shitting themselves because Maggie Gyllenhaal wore this fur vest to some bullshit MoMa event honoring Baz Luhrmann (what did he ever do besides ruin Romeo and Juliet and rip off Camille for his dreadful Moulin Rouge debacle?). I know what would be a perfect punishment for Maggie - they should skin her, make a jacket out of her and give her to one of the Olsen Twins. Actually, no - even an Olsen Twin wouldn't be caught wearing something so hideous. They should just skin her and then throw away the skin and take the horrible, still-living skinless Maggie and drop her in a big vat of lemon juice. Yeah. That works.

Why Everybody Be Messin' With Tim?

Tim Robbins got in an argument with a volunteer at a polling station in Manhattan when he tried to vote last week and was told he wasn't in the rolls. He took his grievance to the election board and the commissioner ruled that he went to the wrong station based on a change-of-address form he filed. Robbins said he filed no such form, and called the commissioner a liar. A Board of Elections inspector sided with Robbins, saying, "I've seen him vote at that polling place since 1998. His name has always been in the book until this month." And then they purged their rolls of all known douchebags and Robbins was shit out of luck.

I Never Thought I'd Say This But...

Amy Winehouse needs to go back to the beehive. Now.

Bad Reaction

Jayden James had to go to the hospital, it's now been revealed, because of a bad reaction to something he ingested. I sympathize with poor little JJ - I am also allergic to Windex.

Let It Out!

Katherine Heigl plays with a big, dumb, dangerous animal. It's like teasing a Palin supporter - except for the dangerous part.

Off The Rails

Natalie Portman has gone off the rails entirely. Please - if you find Natalie passed out on the sidewalk, wake her up, pick the leaves from her hair and give her a ride home. Or to a friend's house. Or a shelter. Something.

Dear Michelle Obama...

I like tomatoes too, but I don't go around dressing like them.

Dear Laura Bush: Your potatoes called, they want their sack back.

It So Works

John Travolta has decided to just be honest and admit he doesn't have any hair. Middle-aged sadness is so...sad.

Angry Righty

Oh Joe Scarborough - you said "fuck" on MSNBC. That's a no-no. Well, look at the bright side - you didn't call anyone a "nappy-headed ho." Thankfully, the FCC has such a backlog of complaints that they won't even get around to fining your network until long after humans have disappeared from the earth (Yes, the FCC will still exist after humans have gone extinct. They themselves are not human and will continue on.).

He Said What?

Pierce Brosnan will likely not be getting a Christmas card - sorry, holiday card - from Angelina and Brad after insinuating that Angie lacks femininity. Oh yeah - bitch went there. He was talking about the upcoming Thomas Crown Affair sequel (like the world needs that), a movie Angelina was rumored to be interested in - but maybe not anymore after Pierce expressed a different preference:

Charlize Theron is someone who I’ve always admired. I think she’s someone who has acquitted herself grandly. Nothing against Angelina Jolie. I think she’s a magnificent actress. But Charlize has a poise about her and has an inner strength and femininity which I really like to watch.

A clear insinuation that Angie lacks those same qualities, no? Yes, Pierce was clearly tweaking Angie there. Obviously he doesn't want her in the film. I don't blame him - she has to be a huge headache to work with. It's just more evidence that other movie people hate Brad and Angie and want to see them tied to a ship's mast and sunk to the bottom of Hudson Bay.

Too Funny

You know I never post about the Hills people, cause I think they're a blight on humanity and I refuse to help in perpetuating the perception that they're actually stars, but sometimes one of them does or says something so hilarious I just have to post it. Lauren Conrad was the perpetrator this time. Page 6 says the useless waste of DNA was at the airport when she got paged to come to the ticket counter, and became all upset because she feared being mobbed after everyone heard her name being announced. "LC pitched a fit, and was almost driven to tears because she thought people would start talking to her and bothering her," a source said. "But no one even cared." No one cared in reality, you mean. In Lauren's mind she was like Jolie trying to navigate a sea of Just Jareds. I feel dirty for even posting this.

Sure, Honey

Taylor Swift recently bragged to Women's Health Magazine that she can't even go underwear shopping anymore without being beset by pervs. "I look up and there are, like, 15 people looking at me, with camera phones out, waiting to take a picture of which kind of underwear I'm going to buy," boasted the country "singer." "'Think she's a small or an extra small?' I wanted to be like, 'Uh, guys? I can hear you!'" Right Taylor. And I'm always waking up with Hugh Jackman's dick in my ass.

Yes. It Was A Seizure. Cough.

Vacationing Britney had to rush Jayden James to the hospital in Kentwood, Louisiana after he started flopping around and foaming at the mouth more than usual. The Kentwood doctors gave JJ a good looking over and concluded that an evil spirit had gone up his nostril and taken possession of his brain. JJ was then transferred to a non-hillbilly hospital where they determined that he'd suffered a seizure. Shitney didn't believe them and took Jayden back to Redneck General to begin the voodoo treatments. She stripped naked, sacrificed a couple of chickens, slathered herself in their blood and began dancing around a giant chalk pentagram. That was just to calm herself down. No, I'm sure the kid will be fine - what could possibly be wrong with him, with a couple of fine genetic specimens like Britney and Federline for parents?

What's With The Dumb Grins?

Jolie poses with a giant grinning panda. So this means she supports Chinese oppression of Tibet? Bitch.

Make Up Your Mind, Ho

Evan Rachel Wood is clearly disturbed. A couple days ago, ho got all deranged because someone was spreading stories that she had broken up with that absurd alleged musician Marilyn Manson. "Manson and I both decided to take some time apart so we could concentrate on work," she said in a statement. So they're just taking a break from each other? Now bitch has changed her story though. "I'm always going to love him and respect him," she said - which sounds a hell of a lot more final than that other statement. As does the response she gave when asked how she was feeling:

I'm doing fine, you know, as best as can be expected.

Well, it usually takes hostages some time to get over the kidnapping. I'm sure with enough counseling Evan will be able to put her life back together, and even get over her Dita Von Teese fixation. Fingers crossed.

Poor Sarah

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She's not taking it well.

She'll Have To Make Out With Herself In Public Now I Guess

Sienna Miller has broken up with Balthazar Getty, the oil heir whose marriage she recently ruined. "I'm single at the moment, and I'm completely happy with that," Sienna said. "It's nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize and discuss. I'm cool with being on my own." Yes Sienna - the press are constantly scrutinizing and discussing your relationships. You're just so damned important. And don't worry - I'm sure you'll soon find another married man to take up with. And suck face with in public so you can then complain about having no privacy.

Denial Monkey

Dita Von Wannabe is being a denial-monkey over stories she threw Marilyn Manson out of her house for going all crazy on her slacker brother. She says she and the schlock-rocker have merely chosen to take a little vacation from each other. "Manson and I both decided to take some time apart so we could concentrate on work," Wannabe said in a statement. "Someone used that opportunity to kick us while we were down and sell a completely false story." Persecution complex much? Wannabe's statement gets more interesting:

Manson owns the house he lives in. My brother has never stayed there and the person that said such horrible things about Manson being "controlling" and "emotionally abusive" is certainly no source "close" to me. Manson has been by my side and taken care of me through the best and worst times. I love him as a person and as an artist. I will always be proud to have been a part of that.

If any more attacks are made on us, it is the act of a desperate, selfish person, who is angry to no longer be a part of my life. No further comment will be made and we request our privacy at this time.

Dear Wannabe: If you're so close to Marilyn and love him so much, how come you keep referring to him by his last name? Seems a bit impersonal to me. Also, that last paragraph makes me believe you know exactly who is responsible for putting out this story. Ex-boyfriend? Bitter family member? Your alter ego who is trying desperately to rescue you from the clutches of an emotionally backward pervert loser? Sorry hon - everyone knows you're over this guy. Except, apparently, you.

13 Suitcases?

The Washington Post says Sarah Palin bought 13 suitcases to carry all the clothes she purchased using Republican party money and the credit cards of McCain staffers. 13 suitcases. And silk boxers for Todd. But it's all just bitter McCain aides getting revenge on Palin by making up lies about her. Right? Well, the Republican donors whose money went for Palin's shopping spree aren't amused anyway, and have reportedly sent a lawyer to Alaska to get her to give the shit back. The bitch is basically a criminal. And there are still some people dumb enough to stick up for her, like Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin. What a farce. McCain would strangle her if only his arms...oh, forget it.

The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year

The new season of Survivorman starts tonight. Finally, Les Stroud returns to my life. Let's hope nothing eats him.

Nice Disguise

Will this throw off the nuts? I don't know. I just want to know what his Secret Service code name is. Alfred maybe?

Random Food Rant

Dear Maruchan Instant Lunch people: I love your product, but I just have one quarrel - there's something wrong with the peas you put in your chicken flavor offering. They never taste right to me. Maybe you need to use better peas or just remove them from the product entirely. Thanks for listening. P.S. - You can discontinue the cheddar cheese flavor any time. That is nasty nasty.

Barfly

Guy Ritchie has been spending most of his time getting loaded at the pub he owns. I think he should just hook up with Amy Winehouse and breathe her fumes. It's cheaper than booze and the buzz lasts longer. Just buy lots of bug spray and remember not to look at her face. Festering sores are not becoming.

Moustache Of Death

No Brad - you don't look the least bit like a creepy old man. Yes, you're still hot. No, she's been great for you. Love the hat too.

Somebody Forgot Her Taste

Hayden Panettiere dressed up like a waitress at the world's kinkiest Spanish restaurant and went out to watch Madonna. Congratulations Hayden - you managed to actually raise the tackiness level at a Madonna concert. Not easy to do.

Bad Influence

Weeks of anticipation culminated last night in Britney Spears' on-stage appearance with Madonna. Okay, I made up that part about "weeks of anticipation." I had no idea Britney was going to appear with Madonna. I didn't even know Madonna was still on tour. I thought she was off somewhere having all memories of Guy Ritchie fucked out of her by that dumb-ass baseball player guy. Let me get the obligatory "Britney's looking better" bit out of the way...

Gosh, Britney's looking lots better, isn't she? She's definitely back.

Okay, now on to the truthful part of the post: Clearly, the real Britney has been locked up somewhere and there's a lookalike running around pretending to be her. Meanwhile, Madonna continues her crusade to turn every man in the world homosexual. I would like to thank Madonna for this wonderful service, and ask her to please work on Hugh Jackman next. Having him go full-gay would more than make up for that whole Prop 8 fiasco.

Scummy But Honest

Keanu Reeves has been found not liable for injuries sustained by a paparazzo he ran over with his Porsche in 2007. The most interesting thing to come out of this case, which captivated TMZ's editors and few others for the last week, was an admission by the pap, Alison Silva, that he and other professional snappers have no regard for safety - either theirs or anyone else's. "All the paparazzos are breaking the law, including trespassing, running lights, speeding down the opposite side of the street," Silva admitted in a videotaped interview with a private investigator. "We all know we are breaking the law, but it is worth the risk. Safety is not an issue with most of us." Yeah, I'm pretty sure the whole Princess Di thing already confirmed that for most of us Alison. But thanks for the honesty anyways. Now go get us some more pictures of Jessica Biel walking her dog. Never get sick of those.

Maybe It Was Someone She Ate

This dramatic video shows Rihanna apparently becoming ill during a concert and rushing off the stage. Okay, so maybe "dramatic" isn't exactly the right word. "Mildly interesting?" Paramedics had to tend to Rihanna backstage at any rate. I don't know what happened after that. Maybe she died. Maybe she puked up an entire bucket of jizz. Maybe the whole thing was Beyonce's plot to do away with her. Oh, sorry - Sasha Fierce's plot. Beyonce would never do that sort of thing.

The Love For The Ages Is Over (Again)

Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling have broken their fan's heart by once again splitting up. Their new relationship only got going over the summer - as documented by stomach-churning pictures like the above - and already Rachel has ruined it by trying to take possession of Gosling's man-jewels. "Rachel is too controlling," a source said. "They broke up the first time because of their busy schedules and that's the problem again." He doesn't want you trying to take over his soul Rachel. He's his own man. He's not Brad Pitt.

A Passion For Retarded Fashion

Joss Stone failed to start an international wave of people wearing no shoes, so now the former singer is trying to kick off a different footwear trend - different colored shoes. This one will also fail to gain traction, largely because no one cares what Joss Stone does. Remember when she used to make really cool records? Yeah, then she got famous and became just another silly-ass posing for pictures all over the place.

Outrage

You mean to tell me Suri has to carry her own ladybug umbrella? What the fuck is the matter with her parents? She's a celeb kid! Hire her another little kid to hold her ladybug umbrella for her. Or a midget if no kids are available. And Tom Cruise wonders why people hate him.

I Wish McCain Had Won

Dear Diddy: We know the black man won. We know you are also a black man. But, dear Diddy: You didn't have anything to do with him winning! Your endorsement did not win him one single vote! Stop acting like you somehow had something to do with it. You are not Oprah with a penis. You are some half-wit who got rich by ruining Led Zeppelin songs and famous by going out with Jennifer Lopez. Seriously - you make me wish McCain had won instead.

Happy Wino

Amy Winehouse celebrated Blake Fielder-Civil's release from jail by getting drunk, rolling in filth and passing out in a taxi. You know, the same way she celebrates Tuesday. I really don't think she's ever going to get it together, no matter how many times we all say, "Gee I hope Amy gets it together."

Avalanche

More fun stuff is coming out about what a moron Sarah Palin is and how angry people on the right are that she was ever chosen in the first place. This video features FOX stooges talking about off-the-record stuff that is now fair game since the election is over. Among the tidbits: Palin had no idea what countries were in NAFTA, and thought the continent of Africa was in fact a country. Apparently Governor of Alaska isn't a very hard job.

Parting Shot

One more Sarah Palin shot for the road? Okay. This one comes from Newsweek (via Us Weekly): According to senior McCain people (they never get sick of throwing this bitch under the bus apparently), Palin went far beyond what the campaign had in mind for her when it came to that controversial wardrobe of hers. "While publicly supporting Palin, McCain's top advisers privately fumed at what they regarded as her outrageous profligacy," the magazine reports. "One senior aide said that [McCain spokesperson] Nicolle Wallace had told Palin to buy three suits for the convention and hire a stylist. But instead, the vice presidential nominee began buying for herself and her family--clothes and accessories from top stores such as Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus.

According to two knowledgeable sources, a vast majority of the clothes were bought by a wealthy donor, who was shocked when he got the bill."

But wait, it gets better - apparently, Palin also ran up bills on the credit cards of "low-level" McCain staffers. "One aide estimated that she spent 'tens of thousands' more than the reported $150,000, and that $20,000 to $40,000 went to buy clothes for her husband. An angry aide characterized the shopping spree as 'Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast.'"

Wasillabillies?

And where, you might ask, was Mr. Maverick McCain during all this? Spelunking in his own asshole, apparently. "McCain himself rarely spoke to Palin during the campaign, and aides kept him in the dark about the details of her spending on clothes because they were sure he would be offended," Newsweek says. McCain's people got a measure of revenge on Sarah though - by shutting her out on election night. "Palin asked to speak along with McCain at his Arizona concession speech Tuesday night," sources say, "but campaign strategist Steve Schmidt vetoed the request."

Now we know why she was crying last night at the concession speech - the shopping spree was over. It's back to the Anchorage consignment shop for Sarah and the brood. McCain regrets picking this moose-murdering cooze with every fiber of his mummy-armed being - you just know it.

Settin' Him Straight

Miley Cyrus's mom has a few things to say to Miley's 20-year-old boyfriend Justin Gaston. She's explaining to him all about older women and experience and knowing what to do with a man in bed. I'm sure this little gab session was followed by a demonstration. Justin will now be dumping Miley for Miley's old lady.

Freak Freak-Out

Evan Rachel Wood has come to her senses and kicked disgusting middle-aged arrested adolescent no-talent Marilyn Manson out of her house. Hmm...and I thought things were going swimmingly in that particular cringe-inducing relationship. No. Seems Marilyn is "controlling and abusive." Who'd a thunk? And what caused Rachel to finally see the bastard's true colors? Reportedly, things came to a head for the couple when Marilyn tried to boot Evan's slacker brother Ira out of their guest house. "Evan owned the house and didn't want her unemployed sibling living on the street," a source said. Creepy old guys will be lining up around the block to take Marilyn's place, no doubt. First up - Mickey Rourke, Evan's co-star in the movie The Wrestler.

All A Facade?

Page 6 delights us with their latest speculation-provoking blind item:

WHICH screen god isn't as happy as he and his paramour would like the world to think? Whenever the couple and their children are in LA, he "goes to a bar in a Beverly Hills hotel and drinks for hours before going home."

Hmm...I wonder who they could be talking about?

The Key To Obama's Victory...

Securing the all-important tranny vote.

Psycho Chick

Why do you want to watch an almost 6 minute video of Taylor Swift acting like a little 18-year-old twit? You don't. But I posted one anyway. If you watch it long enough (until the 4-5 minute mark) you can see Taylor going slightly psycho over her recent break-up with Joe Jonas. Obviously, it broke the girl's heart.

Nuts

Barack Obama will be going to the White House, nuts intact. Jesse Jackson got very emotional last night at the victory rally as we see. I bet he still has that shirt with Martin Luther King's blood on it. He whips it out at parties, and sometimes puts it on and dances around in it. Barack should give Jesse a cabinet position - Secretary of Going the Fuck Away Now and Leaving Us All Alone.

Robbin' Robbins

Tim Robbins went to vote yesterday in New York only to discover he wasn't on the rolls at his polling place. A normal person, at this point, would run home for a utility bill or a bank statement to prove residency, come back, fill out the form and get on with it. But not Tim. He had to start yelling at the poor, almost surely elderly election worker, who ended up calling the police. Robbins claims he got all mad because they tried to make him fill out a provisional ballot, and provisional ballots are the most evil things in the history of the world and a great man like Tim Robbins shouldn't have to touch something so foul and icky.

Uh, staggering coincidence - just a couple weeks ago on Bill Maher, Robbins was screaming about the provisional ballots and how people should report any polling place that attempted to make them fill one out. It's Tim's belief that the use of provisional ballots, which can be thrown out, are an attempt at voter suppression. Tim's eerily prophetic rant begins about a minute into this video:

So here's what Tim thinks: He thinks election workers in Manhattan are trying to suppress the votes of rich liberals like himself. Really? Cause Manhattan is such a Republican bastion. Yeah, I'm sure Tim and Susan Sarandon (who had no trouble voting herself, by the way) live in the only Republican district. I don't know what kind of shenanigans Tim was pulling, but I certainly do smell shenanigans. Self-serving bullshit shenanigans meant to aid Tim's alleged reputation as a crusader for Democracy. Somehow, he set it up so there would be a row in that polling place and the cops would be called and he could play martyr for the cause. What a sad, sick little man you are Timothy.

Loser On The Loose

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been released from jail after 12 months. The Daily Mail says Fielder-Civil came out sporting a chipped tooth and red scratches on his arms - better than when he went in, in other words. Winehouse herself was - surprise - not there to greet Blake, who she's been driving everyone nuts about in her ever-rarer concerts since the bastard got sent up for whatever the hell he got sent up for. Winehouse is reportedly locked up in her room again after being treated for a chest infection. Is there any part of her body that isn't infected, by the way?

(Still) Busted Brit

Britney still looks like she rolled around on the floor of a porn theater to me. Clearly, her eating habits have not improved either.

Patriotic Doody

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker did their patriotic duty by dragging their frizzy-haired spawn out to the polling place and voting. Well, I'm assuming they voted, anyway. I don't have actual photographic proof. It's possible they just went into the booth, dropped a big load, giggled and left. No pedestrians died in the vicinity of the polling place, so I guess that means Sarah drove.

Big Dopey Election Live Blog

Palin Speaks

The crazy lefties over at Americablog think Palin seems defeated in this video. I don't know. She seems the same as always to me - perky in a phony way that is probably aided by some form of medication. By now, the candidates are supposed to know whether they've won or lost, by the exit polling data the public isn't supposed to be privy to until after the polls close. Unfortunately, the last time, the exit polls told John Kerry he was president and he was getting all ready to give his victory speech - and we all know how that turned out.

Sasha Farce

What statement is Beyonce making with this crap? That she can look like a dumb-ass performance artist? No Beyonce - performance artists make beautiful stupidity out of their lack of talent. You do nothing with yours but make us angry. Besides, this looks like a Tyra Banks stunt and you really should be above that sort of thing.

Mind Your Own Business Limey Fruit

Alec Baldwin and Hayden Panettiere telling me what to think is bad enough...I don't need it from foreign dirtbag crash-scene-fleers too. Orlando Bloom supports Obama? Can I take my vote back?

Pompous Ass Lampoons Pompous Ass

Missed this SNL clip...Ben Affleck goofing on Keith Olbermann. It takes awhile to get funny. No one deserves this sort of treatment more than Olbermann. I almost wish Obama would lose just to watch that ass-licker's head explode.

Dear Barack...

Okay buddy, I gave you my vote. Now don't screw me...or else.

Somewhere A Polling Place Smells Like Cheesy Woman-Crotch And Booze-Burps

Lindsay Lohan thinks it's important for Americans to do their patriotic duty and vote. "Sorry I haven't blogged in a minute," The Blow blogged on MySpace. "I've been traveling and trying to catch up on sleep! I thought it was important to just put a message out there tonight for anyone that is on MySpace at the moment.

"So, here goes.. I cannot say how important it is for everyone to get out there and vote tomorrow... The future of our country depends on it. Just one vote can make such a difference... Vote - because your thoughts are worth it..VOTE - because YOU can make this country a better place... VOTE - because you can."

VOTE - because you're not a convicted felon (like my father). VOTE - because polling places are great places to pick up hot lesbian chicks (like me). VOTE - because Samantha told me it's really important and I think the black guy with the big ears is kinda cute though I wouldn't fuck him cause I'm totally a lesbo now wink wink.

Totally The Wrong Idea

Unfortunately, Diddy chose vote.

Go Ahead...

Vote for McCain. Put this woman a chicken bone down the wrong pipe away from the White House.

Cynical Ploy

Barack Obama's grandmother Madelyn Dunham died of cancer a day before the election. Wow - this has to be the most cynical ploy in the history of politics. Having your grandmother croak right before election day just to get you sympathy votes. Shame on you, Barack Hussein Obama - shame on you.

It's On...I Guess

What message was Justin Gaston sending to Nick Jonas by dressing up like him for Halloween? "Keep your hands off my snaggletoothed bitch you little fairy." Gaston may have potential. Dig the Guitar Hero bit. Is he trying to say Nick Jonas can't really play guitar and it's all fake? Is he saying Nick's a fag (credit: South Park). Is he saying he wants to hump Nick like a table leg? He looks like Dean Stockwell a little. Is he gonna start singing Roy Orbison in an incredibly creepy, gay way to make Dennis Hopper happy?

Goodbye Joaquin. No Really...Goodbye.

Joaquin Phoenix wants us all to know he's done acting. Terrific! Goodbye Joaquin. Have fun pretending to be a musician. Honestly, does this guy think we're going to get all sobby and beg him not to retire? "Oh Joaquin - please don't do this to us. You were so great in Walk the Line and Gladiator and...um...that other stuff you did that I'm sure was great too." Oh, right - Signs. God, that movie made me laugh my butt off. When he told that story about the girl almost puking on him while they were kissing - comedy gold man. Nobody writes funny better than M. Night Shyamalan. Of course we know he doesn't mean to be funny, but that's exactly what makes it funny.

Ken Paves Takes One In The Face

Ken Paves is used to getting hit in the face - just not with cameras. Yeah, poor dude was out with his girl Jessica Simpson when the paps swarmed them and got him right in the mush with a wayward piece of equipment. He looks stunned there. Then later he realized he'd have a sexy scar and it didn't bother him so much. Jessica still doesn't know what happened. "How come you're in the hospital? Does my hair look good? I think my tits are too shiny." I feel sorry for Ken - not because of this incident, but just because.

Run Ryan, Run

Ryan Reynolds ran the New York City marathon on behalf of Michael J. Fox's Parkinsons charity. They told Ryan Scarlett Johansson's tits were at the end of the course and he ran it in fifteen minutes flat. Then Scarlett's tits weren't there and Ryan cried. Ryan doesn't care if the rest of Scarlett is there, by the way. Just the tits.

If I Only Had A Specific Gender...

Jordan Bratman doesn't need a brain, he needs a dick. Aguilera doesn't need to get home, she needs to not have a dick. The kid doesn't need courage he needs Angelina Jolie to adopt him. Is Bratman supposed to be an alcoholic Scarecrow or is that red nose a mistake? Is Aguilera disappointed if she doesn't get at least one glow-in-the-dark dildo on Halloween?

That's When You Know You're Done For

Lindsay Lohan is losing jobs faster than Gary Busey is losing brain cells. First she was dropped from Ugly Betty for being a bitch, and now she's been ditched as host of the World Music Awards for pitching a diva fit when it was suggested she might not be able to handle her duties without a co-host. Producers reportedly wanted to bring in Jesse Metcalfe to back her up - and it was the producers who then had to back up to avoid being spattered with hot bitch lava.

"Lindsay was furious that she wasn't the star," a source said. "The organizers had gone through a list of who was hot at the moment and returned to Lindsay again. But the feedback they got was really negative. They got worried and decided to change it. In the end it was decided by both parties it was better if she pulled out."

And you know what makes the story really hilarious? The World Music Awards have decided to replace Lohan with Denise Richards. Yes, the same Denise Richards who appears utterly insane every time you see her. Producers decided Denise was more stable and reliable than Lindsay. A woman who lives in pig shit and voluntarily fucked Charlie Sheen! Dear Lindsay: Your career is so in the crapper even Joe the Plumber couldn't get it out. Better marry Sam Ronson before she comes to her senses.

In For A Shock?

It's a day away from election day and all the stars are supposedly pointing toward an Obama win, perhaps even a landslide. Great. So why do I have this strange feeling something wacky is going to happen? Why, when I hear all the clearly-in-the-tank-for-Obama experts yammering on TV, does a vision of Ann Coulter laughing her ass off suddenly begin to materialize before my face? Why does the sound of Bill Kristol having the most ginormous orgasm of his miserable, crusty little life float into my ears as if on a breeze blown straight from Hades? Why do I imagine Jon Voight having magnificent ass-sex with Stephen Baldwin while Stephen is simultaneously getting jacked-off by Elisabeth Hasselbeck? I need to see a shrink bad, don't I?

What was I talking about again? Oh, McCain. Yes...the polls all say Obama has a significant lead (only those shady ones Drudge likes to quote have the race even remotely close). The pundits are all putting it in the win column for the Democrats. The only ones not throwing it in cruise control are the Obama people themselves who keep telling us it's not over and crazy things can happen and we have to get out and vote and make sure it's a good clean win (in other words they want a blow-out; gives them a clearer mandate, plus they want to humiliate the Republicans as much as possible). Maybe it's all even true. Maybe enough of the country has seen through the Republican shenanigans; maybe enough Republicans have become fed up with their party to switch to Juggy or just not vote. Maybe, just maybe, Sarah Palin has turned off enough people with her bleating inanity that a Republican win is now about as likely as a box-office smash starring David Caruso and Kate Hudson. Maybe. Personally, I'll believe it when the results are in. And Michelle Malkin has stopped calling for an injunction, a recount and the arrest of Obama on charges of attempted terrorism. In other words never.

And by the way I am not a Democrat. I don't have an Obama bumper sticker or an Obama button or an Obama butt-plug. I don't have a screensaver of Joe Biden's hottest hairstyles or a Nancy Pelosi Christmas tree star or a Harry Reid cookie jar (which would be creepy as fuck by the way). By and large, I find all politicians insufferable. The last one I really liked was Jim Traficant and that was just because he was crazy as a motherfucker. I have cast my lot with Obama simply because I find him less offensive than the alternative. What I think this country really needs, much more than a jug-eared wonk who dances on Ellen and may or may not have sucked William Ayers' dick, is an end to the two-party system. We need choices god damn it. Am I the only one who listens to Ralph Nader? Presidential debates shouldn't be two guys rattling off bits from their stump speeches in the form of answers to questions the moderator may or may not have asked - they should be stirring democratic royal rumbles that start with 10 crazy Dennis Kuciniches and end four days later when the last person collapses from exhaustion like Jefferson Smith at the close of his epochal filibuster. They should come with a parental discretion warning for foul language, possible frontal nudity and a whole lot of the issues of the day being hashed out without concern for anyone's delicate sensibilities. There should be a halftime show starring some arthritic rock band that wrote its first song on a papyrus scroll. There should be punch and possibly some cake. And above all there should be options. There should be at least a tiny possibility that some insane midget like Ron Paul could actually win. And there should be a return to real federalism and separation of powers...but that's a matter for another time. Can't fix all the country's ills in one day.

How Many Assistants Had To Die?

Martha Stewart dressed up as Medusa for her Halloween show. I bet that wasn't a hellish experience, making up Martha and getting her snakes and her gown just right. Did they do that gray make-up all over her body or just the parts that showed? That's Blake Lively as Cleopatra, by the way. Memo to Martha: Gossip Girl is so mid-September. Catch up, bitch.

McCain On SNL

Mummy-arms went on Saturday Night Live to show everyone he's really not a bitter, scary old man after all. The QVC bit with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin is decent. Dropping Cindy McCain in was a nice touch but don't watch it before you go to sleep or you will have nightmares of a blank-eyed witch trying to strangle you.



McCain on Weekend Update. Pretty weak. Sorry John but you lost us. We used to sort of like you but now we think you're evil. Do us a favor and go away forever. (I was going to suggest you take up golf but you have to be able to move your arms for that. Sorry.)