The Land Of 10,000 Nutjobs

Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman thinks his opponent Al Franken has gone too far in trying to paint him as an evil Washington dirtball. The last straw came for Coleman when Franken's people put out an ad calling him the fourth-most corrupt member of the Senate and claiming he lives rent-free in a Washington apartment. Coleman has fired back by suing Franken for defamation. "Mr. Franken has chosen to push the lines of believability far beyond the bounds of the truth," said Coleman's communications director. "That is his right — but it is not his right to break Minnesota campaign law, and we believe that is what Mr. Franken and his campaign have done." This comes days after Republicans made their own waves on Coleman's behalf by sending out a mailer attacking Franken as a nut-job who thinks rape is funny (he penned some envelope-pushing jokes during his time as a comedy writer and they won't let him forget it). This one panel in particular almost seems to suggest that Franken is himself a child molester:



I do not envy the people of Minnesota - neither of these guys is particularly savory. Well, at least they have Dean Barkley, who was officially endorsed by Jesse Ventura. Yeah, Minnesota politics could be the most fucked-up in the nation, especially when you add in good old Michelle Bachmann who supports McCarthyist investigations into members of Congress to root out the "unAmerican" ones:

McCain should've picked Bachmann as his running mate. Her voice sounds just like Sarah Palin's but she's actually able to articulate her insanity halfway decently. She would've been much better at whipping up the crazy racists and the people who are terrified of socialism without even knowing what the hell it is. Maybe she doesn't have nice enough legs for McCain?

Worth At Least A Million Words

Oh man - Shia LaBeouf is not happy to be having his picture taken with his mom. He wants to run away and hide so bad. What's the matter Shia? She looks like everyone else's mom to me. Maybe a little more hippieish but so what? Oh, you're afraid she's going to hurt the little tough guy image you think you've cultivated. Sorry sweetie, but no one believes it. Picking fights with Walgreens security guards, calling your white friends "dawg" and "nigga" and getting popped for DUI don't make you seem bad-ass. You're just a pathetic confused kid aren't you Shia? Sorry. Life sucks. Guess you'll have to console yourself by spending some of your millions on drugs and hookers and tats. Fucking little twat.

Someone Douse Them, Quick

Mariah Carey and that dude she's pretending to be married to dressed up as firefighters. This had nothing to do with Halloween - they just like dressing up as things. Nick doesn't seem that into it, does he? He's thinking about his gay porn stash back at the creeb. The one Mariah still hasn't discovered. "What are you doing in there Nick? What's that funny squishing noise?"

My God, He's Trying To Eat Himself

Dressing Al Roker up as a gingerbread man - probably not the wisest thing. That blue button is down a little too far for comfort if you ask me. Ann Curry as the world's phoniest, most insufferable Cinderella? Blah. Matt Lauer as Humpty Dumpty. Now we know why he fell off the wall - Tom Cruise pushed him. And Meredith Viera as Pinocchio. With tits. That get bigger the more she lies. Just keep lying and lying Meredith - you'll never have to worry about loneliness.

Boring Chumps

Madonna and her little baseball-playing Dick of the Month Club winner Alex Rodriguez are all over the New York media for flying out to Jerry Seinfeld's place in the Hamptons on helicopters. They allegedly stayed there four hours before leaving. What did they do with the Seinfelds for four hours at the Seinfelds' house before flying off in helicopters like characters in some dumb-ass Tom Clancy novel? Perhaps we don't want to know. I wonder if this Rodriguez character is smart enough to realize he's being used by Madonna as a means of getting back at her husband Guy Ritchie for whatever she thinks Ritchie did to her. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he just wants his place on that rather long list of people who've fucked Madonna. Maybe he thinks when he gets to the end this will earn him a special place in whatever afterlife he believes in. "Oh, you did Madonna. There's a special VIP room for people like you. It's currently the size of North America but we're thinking of knocking out a wall."

Lay Off The Drugs Hon

A funny thing happened to Duffy in her dressing room before a gig opening for Coldplay in Cleveland: The candle she'd lit for ambiance set her hair on fire and she almost burned up. "I was in the dressing room and I had music on and candles alight," said the reincarnation of Lulu (yes I know Lulu isn't dead). "The venue was a huge stadium, like a big sports centre. The dressing rooms had big white lights, no mirrors and lockers all along. They were super cool but you wouldn't want to spend three hours in there. So I was giving it a little bit of razzle dazzle. I had dimmed the lights then I lit this candle and it started melting a bit.

"I thought, 'Shit!' and started blowing it out. I got a cloth to wipe it up and bent down, not realising it was still lit. Then the entire left side of my hair went up in flames."

The situation was made more embarrassing, says Duffy, because Coldplay's Chris Martin was on his way to meet her, and when he got there she had to explain her room smelling like fried hair. "Are you giving yourself a home perm in here?" Michael Jackson sympathizes I'm sure.

Fright Mask

I wonder what Elvis would think if he came forward in time and saw Priscilla the way she looks now. "Hey baby. What's been happening? God damn, was there a nuclear war or something? Is everybody else a mutant too? Fuck this, I'm going back to 1970. I may have been incredibly high on drugs but at least the women didn't make me piss myself with terror."

Poor Baby

It's been three months since Nicole Kidman's surrogate gave birth and bitch is still emotional over the whole experience. "I cry even thinking of [baby Friday Geranium]," Kidman said. "But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to [give birth to a child]. To have been given it so late in life – I'm so ready for it." God - imagine being a little baby and having this thing with big freaky pulled-taut lips blubbering over you constantly. Thank goodness the kid will have daddy's booze to get into when it gets older, otherwise I don't know how it would survive.

Pack It In McCain Folks

It's not even funny how over it is. Sarah Palin and Matt Drudge are the only people left who think the old mummy-armed fuck still has a shot.

Just The Way Your Mother Likes It, Trebek

Contrary to rumors, Sean Connery is not coming out of retirement to appear in the movie The Quest of Sheherzade with Orlando Bloom. "Sean has not even heard of the project," said a rep for the old Scottish fart. The asses of all the women who were set to work on that movie just breathed big sighs of relief.

Trick Or EEEEAAAAAAAAA

Michael Jackson took his freaky little white children shopping for Halloween costumes. The one in the red shirt is off to blow up Parliament.
They're Michael Jackson's kids - don't they know they don't need masks? "And what are you supposed to be little girl. Michael Jackson's daughter? Aaaaaagggggggg!!!"

More One-Eyed Tom

The Valkyrie people are going forward with their promotion which includes putting out stills like this one of Tom Cruise looking, what, pensive? I see that patch and I just imagine him taking a peen in the eye from David Beckham. "Ow you limey fuck! You put my eye out. Ow ow ow mommeeee!" This movie is going to bomb so bad. I can't wait.

You Ain't Johnny Cash Sweetie - You Only Played Him

Joaquin Phoenix says he's quitting acting and will devote himself instead to making music. The nutbag Walk the Line star rambled during an appearance on Extra, "I want to take this opportunity...to give you the exclusive ... that this will be my last performance as an actor... I'm not doing films anymore." It's pretty clear what's happened here. He played Johnny Cash in a movie and did his own singing and now he thinks he's a musician. This happens to actors all the time. It's like when Al Pacino did Serpico and couldn't get out of character and was caught running around New York with a fake badge arresting people. Just get over it Joaquin - you're not Johnny Cash. That movie was a few years ago now and you should really be over it. Let's just hope he doesn't start thinking he's a journalist like Sean Penn, or we'll be up to our elbows in badly-written essays on Iran and Venezuela.

Little Wet Girl Panties

Selena Gomez dreams of having Shia LaBeouf all over her...TV show The Wizard of Waverly Place. "You'd think that as much as I promote it [he'd make an appearance]," the tart said. "I'm like, begging, but it's not happening. I know I'm a nerd! Please, Shia, come on my show!" Darling little Selena - she doesn't realize Shia is a complete dirtbag who would probably molest her the second they were alone. Or maybe she does know that and that's exactly what she wants. Jonas Brothers get old after awhile I guess.

More Fun With Jen The Desperate Slag

What's she about to do with that fan? It's warmer and more loving than John Mayer I bet.

No More Vampires

Kate Beckinsale has caught up with the rest of the world by becoming sick of vampire movies. When asked if she'd consider doing yet another sequel to the idiotic and tedious Underworld the actress said:

I think they're still going, they probably will. I'm not sure I will. I feel like I've played that character enough times that I don't think I'd be excited to play the same character again. It's a weird experience. I've never done that before, you're playing the same character in two movies, and after two, I feel like I'm kind of done with that.

No more vampires for Beckinsale. But what will she do now? Hmm. Maybe something set in the desert? Something with, I don't know, a Pharoah? And a tomb? And a chick in really tight vinyl pants who scowls a lot?

Careful Dude...

...don't cut yourself on her cheekbones.

Don't Believe It

Star is going with this nonsense (via Dlisted) about Brad Pitt messing around on Angelina with Diane Kruger, an actress he stars with in Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds (again, Quentin's spelling). "Angie loves Brad and wants to trust him, but she also knows that their own love blossomed while working on a movie together," a source said. "Now she's convinced that Diane has a crush on Brad, and she's scared something could happen." Yeah? Like what? He could suddenly desire a woman who isn't stuck on herself? Who doesn't carry his balls around in a little sack like musketeers used to use for their powder? Who doesn't expect him to spend the rest of his life being swarmed by filthy orphans from every corner of the globe? Gosh, I don't know why he would want anyone but Angelina. She's so undemanding.

Literary Lights

The Olsen Twins entered a bookstore for the first time in their lives yesterday and signed copies of their new big dumb scam book Influence. Sorry but I prefer my toilet paper white and cottony - I have a sensitive bottom, you know.

Of course, wherever the Olsens go, PETA follows. They were outside the bookstore protesting in Mary-Kate and Ashley masks. Sadly, no terrorists set off any nuclear bombs in the vicinity. If you want to protest something troublemaking freaks, why not protest all the poor trees that had to die so the Olsens could have their little vanity project.

Hose Them Down

Michael Lohan may have given up ripping Samantha Ronson but Joe Francis hasn't. The skeezy ex-con, who claims to be a friend of Lindsay Lohan's, went on Tyra Banks and laid into Lindsay's DJ girlfriend, calling her a "wretched woman" and claiming she is manipulating Lindsay. "I care about Lindsay," Francis insists. "She's not gay."

Maybe not - but I wouldn't blame her if she were, with men like you in the world.

Spooky Halloween Picture

Is that a ghost? Oh, no...it's just a desperate childless old hag. Never mind.

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Katy Perry Again

Katy Perry put away the cooked egg costume and went to a party as Freddie Mercury. With tits. She gets points for the cross-dressing bit and the amusing cheesiness of the moustache, but is docked for being with the dumb-ass in the oh-so-predictable Joker get-up. If they'd gone as Mary-Kate Olsen and The Joker - that might've worked.

It's Not An Ass Buffet There Becksy

Is it just me or is there a note of wistfulness to David Beckham's ogling? "Another one I'll never touch without that bitch trying to have me killed." What's the use of being beautiful and famous if you can't mess around? Posh has killed the poor man's soul, I'm telling you.

Starved For Yuks

Jessica Simpson's new film Major Movie Star debuted in Russia as the #1 movie in the country. The film stars Simpson as a washed-up film actress who enlists in the army...hmm, dippy blonde rich girl hits rock-bottom and enters the military. That doesn't sound the least bit like a certain Goldie Hawn vehicle from the early '80s. What the hell is going on in Russia that this thing would be their #1 movie? I almost feel sorry for them. It's been a bad year for them, between this, their little war with Georgia and having Sarah Palin constantly spying on them from her porch.

Beyonce?

So is this Beyonce here or Sasha Fierce? Or one of Beyonce's many other equally bland and uninteresting alter egos? Or a transsexual in a bad wig?

Whack-Job

The rats are abandoning John McCain's sinking ship. Of course when campaigns go south, the people involved all scramble to save their reputations, and tactic number 1 is to sell out as many other people as possible. Sarah Palin, having no real political friends in the lower 48, is naturally going to get lambasted by weasels looking to rescue their good names. It started over the weekend when stories of friction between Palin and McCain's people began leaking out. Palin thinks McCain's folks have held her back too much and contributed to her bad performances on TV. Now she's no longer listening to these spineless advisors, a tactic that prompted at least one highly-placed McCain person to brand her a "diva." And today it got even worse. Another senior member of McCain's campaign, speaking to Politico's Mike Allen, called Palin "a whack-job." This was probably the kindest term he could think of. McCain's campaign is in full meltdown mode. The sad thing is that, if he'd just stuck with his old McCain Straight-Talk Express routine and picked a decent running mate, he might've actually won. But he sold his soul to the Rovians and now he'll have to drag his gimpy arms back to Arizona. Poor old, muddle-brained putz.

Drown Them

Two cats I wouldn't mind seeing put in a sack and tossed into a pond. Good thing Ali's modesty kicked in at the last moment and she donned the mesh deal. The last thing I needed to see was Ali Lohan's bare midriff. Especially around lunch.

Ticked Off Fake Religious Folk

Kabbalah leader Rabbi Berg is urging Madonna to settle her divorce from Guy Ritchie as quickly and painlessly as possible, so as to minimize damage to the fake religion's image. "Rabbi Berg's ultimate hope would be a reconciliation," a source said. "But that seems rather a distant hope so at best he would like to put an end to the public raking over of their marriage."

But Rabbi Berg, honey - for Madonna to heed your request, she would have to understand the concept of putting others before herself. And this idea does not exist in her world. Madonna's big huge ego demands that she turn the divorce into as horrific a public spectacle as possible, regardless of the collateral damage others in her circle might face. You might as well just hunker down and wait out the storm. Or I suppose you could just kick the bitch out of your religion. Yeah, I know - the fund-raising hit. You couldn't take it. Well, you know what they say about deals with the devil...

Another One

Katy Perry followed the Gwen Stefani lead and dressed up as a fried egg. She jazzed it up by donning a fuzzy halo. I'm guessing at some point she stripped and waved her tits in the air or had sex with a broom handle or something else edgy and wild. She really wants to make us forget about the whole Christian thing.

Check Out The Doof

Shia LaBeouf looks more lost than John McCain. Where's he going with that backpack? Is he planning on walking across Europe? He knows they hate him in Bulgaria, right? "You die LaBeouf!!!"

Be A Winner - Unlike You-Know-Who

Here's your chance to be a winner today (don't say The Crabster never did anything for you, you bunch of ungrateful maggots). All you have to do is click on over to Gravy and Biscuits and enter the big Gravy and Biscuits Giveaway Contest. Jebbica is giving out a bunch of stuff including a gift-card and a t-shirt and I think also a Mercedes. Again, just click over to Gravy and Biscuits and read all about the contest. And if you win you have to share the swag with me. It's only fair, bitches.

Back Away Slowly

Somebody's off their meds. That's right Bruce, just keep smiling. Eventually she'll let go of your sack.

Is There A Special Hive For Retards?

Tori Spelling - there's one time a year when you can wear a mask on that mush of yours, and you don't take advantage? Of course they also dressed the dog up like a bee. Some will find this adorable; others, like me, will find it puke-worthy.

The Nuts Keep It Up

Sarah Palin rambles. Some nut screams "He's a nigger," referring of course to Obama. Palin goes on rambling. Nothing stops her. She's a machine. Literally. No, seriously...she's not human. Crack her open - it's wires and transistors and a little hamster running and running.

The New It Girl

Kristen Stewart is the new It Girl. We remember her as Supertramp's would-be teenage girlfriend in Into the Wild. The one he gave up because she was too young and he had to get back to killing himself the long, slow, stupid way (it's called a map - look into it). She's starring in this new movie Twilight now which I wouldn't see if it came with a free blow-job. She's undeniably beautiful with her perfect skin and sultry eyes and little hint of naughtiness but...can she act? God I'm sick of the bimbos. Say what you want about Gwyneth Paltrow - she's not a complete empty-head, and it was refreshing to have someone with actual talent as Pepper in Iron Man. Can you imagine if it had been Biel or, God forbid, Alba instead? Stewart can position herself as the alternative to the Disney crop coming up. She can be the anti-Hudgens, the anti-Cyrus, the anti-Tisdale. Now we need to find an anti-Efron out there somewhere. A hot piece of man who doesn't seem stuck on himself, who doesn't seem like he takes an hour working on his hair every day, who doesn't seem caught in a perpetual adolescence. Where have all the Robert Mitchums gone? Or the George Clooneys, for that matter.

Publicity Haters

Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty just hate publicity. That's why they're constantly being photographed sucking face in pubic. Where's a crane collapse or an out-of-control garbage truck when you need one?

Creepy Old Man

Bono is officially a creepy old man. Chick on the right says on her Facebook that she's just "friends" with the noted humanitarian and U2 frontman. Sure. And my hand is just friends with my dick.

Only A Dummy, Alas

That's supposed to be Sarah Palin being hung in effigy outside some dope's house in West Hollywood. People are pissed but the guy who did it says it's art and Halloween is all about being fun and spooky so it's okay. I just love the old "it's art" argument. It's so weak. If the guy had any real guts he'd come out and say, "I hate the bitch and I wish it was the real Palin hanging there." If the guy really had guts he would've had her demon kids hanging alongside her. Oh, but that would've been over the line right?

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Gwen Stefani

Gwen Stefani went as a sunny-side-up egg. She should've been clever and dressed as a human woman's egg and had Gavin dress as a sperm and spend the night humping her. Instead he dressed as bacon. Isn't that offensive to the PETA people?

Setting Up The Reality Show

Hulk Hogan says his ex-con son Nick learned his lesson in jail and won't be a bad boy anymore. "He was on a roll," quoth the Hulkster. "He was a young professional driver. He had the show going, and it all got real busy, and then when he went to jail, he got stripped of everything.

"He got stripped of clothes, of watches, he got stripped of his identity, and he found out what's important in life. He knows what's real, and what's not real.

"And before he went in there, he was accountable, and he was responsible. And I think that's what he found out in jail, the most important thing. He understands what is real life. You know, it's about helping people, being positive, moving forward.

"He was a good kid before, he's a great kid now. He's not the same man he was when he went in there."

He was accountable and responsible before he went in but just didn't know it? He didn't know what was real before he went to jail but now he does? Is it me or did Hulk just admit to being a terrible father? "I didn't teach the little bastard one damn useful thing - except where his sister's G-spot is." Dear Hulkster: When you have a kid, it's sort of your job to guide them and teach them and make them figure out what's important in life. They shouldn't have to kill someone's brain and go to jail in order to get there. Christ, you are one stupid, inbred fuck Hulk. Of course we all know your blather has a purpose - you're setting up the new Nick Hogan reality show whose premise will be, "Nick is a new man." It's all just marketing isn't it Hulk? Yeah...you know what's real and important. I can tell by the way you're always referring to yourself in the third person...by your stage-name.

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Cindy Crawford

Cindy Crawford does herself up as Amy Winehouse. Okay, first of all, Cindy is what, 50? And she looks at least 10 years younger than the real Wino. Second...sorry, but Wino is too obvious. If you're going to do Wino you have to put a twist on it. You have to do Wino dressed as Jesus or Wino dressed as Sarah Palin. Trannies who dress as Wino can just do Wino cause the twist is already inherent - they're trannies dressed as Wino. Sorry Cindy but you fail.

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Tobey Maguire

Lots of people will be going to Halloween parties etc., dressed as Sarah Palin (all thinking they're being really cool). Todd Palin, I fear, will be under-represented by comparison. Tobey Maguire, at least, has done his part to close the Todd Palin Halloween Costume Gap. It's not very inspired and it's conspicuously lacking a snowmobile racer outfit but I give Tobey points for the witty commentary of the "I Heart My White Trash Wife" hat.

How Much Did They Pay Him?

Michael Lohan is no longer mad at Sam Ronson for leading Lindsay down the road to Carpetmuncherville. "I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha," Michael said at a recent book party. "I'm a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone." Oh okay...being a Christian means you don't pass judgment on anyone. Might wanna fill Sarah Palin in on that little point. And by the way, we know you still hate Sam and think she's evil and that Lindsay is going to go to hell for muff-diving. But you needed the money.

How It Went Down

Sarah Palin shows her daughter how she got the big important running-mate job.

She Cares...So...Damn...Much

Angelina's in do-gooder mode again. Here's video of her in Afghanistan visiting the dirty, fly-bitten refugees. Try not to puke when she starts crying.

Expansive Vocabulary

Jessica Simpson doesn't want to talk about being pregnant. She sucks Tony Romo's ass with that mouth?

Dumb-Asses

Cut-face Bitch didn't only sucker the news media into thinking her story of assault and mutilation by a Barack Obama supporter was true - she also got the McCain campaign to buy into her racist fabrication. Politico's Jonathan Martin reports that both McCain and running mate Sarah Palin called Cut-face's family to offer their support. Morons! And it's been reported that McCain's own Pennsylvania communications director helped give initial credence to the lie by spreading it to various Pittsburgh-area media outlets. Who's running the show over there? Willow?

Crazy Lying Freak

The face-cut bitch was lying. She scratched a backward "B" into her own cheek and blackened her eye possibly with make-up. Congratulations face-cut bitch McCain supporter - you are today's unbelievable attention-whore of the day. You win a one way ticket out of my face via the end of my foot. Silly delusional nitwit Morton Downey bitch.

Proboscis Issues

Most of us hold our noses when we smell something foul. Michael Jackson holds his when he feels it slipping.

Who Are They Trying To Kid?

Taylor Momsen's near-fatal sore throat was the result of the flu and working too hard according to Momsen's Gossip Girl co-star Kelly Rutherford. "You know, all it takes is to get a flu, and then you work a lot of hours, and you have [a serious] flu," explained Dr. Rutherford. So that's going to be the company line then...Taylor works too hard and she's prone to the flu. Not "she's a 14-year-old anorexic cokehead," which we know is the truth. Whatever they say.

Bye Bye Bitch

Raffaello Follieri has been sentenced to 54 months in prison for being a scumbag con artist piece of shit. In court, the slimebag's lawyer claimed Raffaello became "intoxicated" by his and Anne Hathaway's jet-setting lifestyle and perpetrated his various scams so he could keep the good times rolling. Wow - so basically he blamed her. If she hadn't been such a high-class piece of tail they would've been happy eating burgers and going to movies. But she made him steal so they could fly around the world hob-nobbing with the rich and beautiful. What a fucking sleaze.

Congrats

David Gest finally found himself another love to replace Liza Minnelli. Way to go Dave! I knew you'd get yourself back on that horse again buddy.

Fey As Palin, Ferrell As Bush

Could've been funnier. They're going softer on Palin since she was on their show, no?

Mommy Scene

I have no idea which kid of Britney's that is. I lost track several months ago and frankly I don't care anymore. Whatever Britney's on now is working really well. The kid too.

Forget The Not-Gay Rumors

Not-gay rumors have been swirling around Lance Bass. Pictures like this will make those go away fast. (The chick is his dance partner on Dancing With the Losers Who Can't Get Work Anywhere Else Except Maybe a Rehab Show on VH1 or Perhaps a Holiday Inn Somewhere in Central Missouri.)

Creepy Doll Child

Tom and Katie wanted Suri to seem even more like a creepy doll child so they got her hair cut with cute little bangs. Aw, that's so...disturbing.

Look Out Miley

Selena Gomez is being altogether too complimentary of Miley Cyrus and her underwear-modeling boyfriend Justin Gaston. "I honestly think that she's adorable," said Selena at a recent event. "I think she's really sweet, and I think that he's really cute, too. I wish them all the luck." Translation: "I want to sit on Justin's dick and make him shoot his jizz in me like Old Faithful. Why is that hot steaming hunk of man fucking that snaggletoothed little bitch when he can have me, a little piece of Chiquita jailbait who makes all the older men moan with desire? Hmm?"

Hello Nutbags

This poor woman, a McCain supporter from Pittsburgh, got beaten up by a thug who proceeded to carve a "B" into her cheek with a knife. "Our thoughts and prayers are with the young woman for her to make a speedy recovery," said the Obama campaign in a statement, "and we hope that the person who perpetrated this crime is swiftly apprehended and brought to justice." Alec Baldwin is completely out of control man. Completely out of control.

No Worries For Teeny Tramp

Miley Cyrus doesn't care if people think she's a little dirty piece of jailbait for fucking a 20-year-old underwear model. "After my last two years, there's been a lot of things that happened, so I've learned just not to judge anyone and go into our friendship with an open mind and not really worry about the age or anything." You ain't the one who has to be worried about the age honey - he is.

The Worst Ever Case Of Jizz-Throat?

Gossip Girl star Taylor Momsen is out of the hospital after almost dying from a nasty throat infection. The actress reportedly woke up with a soreness in her breathing hole that she thought was cold-related. She rushed off to see an ear, nose and throat specialist and they puked and told her to get to the hospital fast. And does anyone here believe that story? No. She either OD'd or nearly died from some kind of anorexia-related situation. Jizz-throat sucks but nobody ever almost died from it.

Caving?

A couple weeks ago I reported a rumor that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were having a minor spat over Katie's desire to live in New York against Tom's wishes. Well guess what? Page 6 reports today that Tom has been buying up apartment space...in New York. "Tom and Katie now keep five units in [a building south of 14th Street]," a source said. "They turned one into [2-year-old daughter] Suri's playroom. One they use for a gym, and two apartments are for staff." Looks like we all may have underestimated Katie. Must be the Posh influence rubbing off.

How About Ramona Stupid-Ass?

Beyonce has a new record coming out called "I Am...Sasha Fierce." This is apparently more than just an album-title to the singer - she actually thinks she is Sasha Fierce, at least part of the time. "Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I'm working and when I'm on the stage," explains Beyonce. "I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage, this alter ego that I've created that kind of protects me and who I really am." Jesus Christ Beyonce, isn't one of you bad enough? Sasha Fierce. Yeah that's not the least bit cheesy. This is the kind of shit that happens when people become huge and everyone around them is afraid to tell them how stupid and lame their ideas are. Sorry Beyonce, but you aren't Sasha Fierce. You're Beyonce. A bald, untalented chick who got far in life because men are obsessed with booty and because there was an opening in the entertainment industry for a black broad who wasn't too black. You're what men see in Mariah Carey after several cocktails, basically. Except Mariah can actually sing some. And she's even sillier than you...but you're doing your best to catch up aren't you?

Same Old Blow

Remember all that talk about the wonderful influence Sam Ronson was having on Lindsay Lohan? Yeah...what a total bag of steaming bullshit. Lohan hasn't changed a bit. She's still the same little intolerable bitch she always was - just ask her co-stars on Ugly Betty. Lohan recently shot a six-episode run on the popular show as part of her comeback effort...er, did I say six-episode? Let's make that four-episode. The producers decided, for the sake of everyone else's sanity, to trim two episodes from Lindsay's commitment. "It was a mess," a source explained. "Lindsay would show up every day with an entourage of people. She smoked 24/7, and after she left, they had to repaint her dressing room it was such a mess."

Lohan reportedly spent much of her time locked up in her trailer "obsessively" cutting out pictures of herself from tabloids. And she also had problems with the show's star America Ferrera - though her people claim this was all America's fault. "America was mean to Lindsay," said one source. "Producers give her too much power. Lindsay didn't do the last two episodes because America didn't like her and got her kicked off." Maybe America is just jealous of Lindsay's drug-aided svelteness, forty-year-old complexion and elephant-stopping booze breath?

Boring

I don't know if Liv Tyler is the most boring actress on earth but if she's not she's close. I watched The Strangers and ended up rooting for the psychos. And don't get me started about The Incredible Hulk. Casting her and Ed Norton together was not the wisest move in the history of Hollywood. They would've had more success casting a bush and a box of paper clips.

Grow Up Katy

Katy Perry wants everyone to know how edgy and "bad" she is, so she makes songs about kissing girls and poses with knives. Only a person who was a complete goody-goody during her formative years could be this concerned about projecting such an image. And Katy as we know was brought up Christian and started out as a Christian singer but decided to go "mainstream" and bad when her record labels kept dropping her. What's next Katy? A sex-tape? A fight in front of a nightclub that TMZ happens to catch on camera? Grow up hon. Only idiots think you're "edgy." The rest of us just find you comical.

Evil Nasty Mutant

Lindsay Lohan skipped her grandfather's funeral because she didn't want to confront her evil father Michael who's been saying terrible shit about her and her girlfriend Sam Ronson to the media. Fair enough. But now it turns out that Ali also didn't attend the funeral, except her reason was not nearly so legit. Ali, according to Crazy Days and Nights guy, skipped the solemn ceremony because she couldn't get her hair extensions right and was embarrassed to be seen anywhere with her normal ratty hair.

I don't know about you, but if I'd tried pulling that shit when I was a kid, I'd have gotten slapped around and then dragged to the funeral and then slapped around some more when we got home. Dina probably just stood there puffing on a cigarette thinking about her next Botox appointment. Marvelous parenting.

Starting To Crack

Lindsay Lohan is edging inexorably back toward dick. According to the Mirror, the "lesbian" actress recently got Gossip Girl male hottie Chace Crawford's number and has been calling and texting him up to four times a day ever since. Vagina be damned! Except for her own of course. Funny thing is, Chace wants no part of Lohan and her renewed interest in the male member. Possibly because he himself is in love with dick, especially Ed Westwick's. Fuck - it's like a sexual orientation merry-go-round. My head's spinning.

Eggheads

I'm pretty sure this picture of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon is just the result of some unintended photographic effect. Their heads can't really be that shape can they? They're not from France as far as I know. They're not known to chug down whole six-packs at a time.

The Transformation Is Almost Complete

I thought Tom Cruise was trying to turn Katie Holmes into a perfect Stepford Wife - but no, I see now that the truth is even creepier. Tom is actually trying to turn Katie into a carbon-copy of himself! Soon he will complete the transformation by shrinking her several inches and having a tiny penis grafted onto her. Poor Suri - soon she'll have two daddies and no mommies. You thought she was confused and angry before.

The Bickersons

Shocking revelation: Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage was a nightmare of clashing egos and verbal abuse. Friends of the couple claim Madonna enjoyed taunting Ritchie, saying, "'I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual.' Their fights would often get heated. A few times Madonna slapped him or poked him." Ritchie, no shrinking violet, would shoot back. "Guy called her old, fat, ugly and wrinkled and said that she was stupid and couldn't sing," a source says. Us Weekly claims Guy has wasted no time in getting back on his feet - he's currently fucking Kelly Reilly, an actress on his new Sherlock Holmes film. "Is that what a vagina is supposed to look like? My God, I'd forgotten."

Hollywood Glamour

Lindsay Lohan is not a lesbian. Sam Ronson is a dude. They can fool Billy Bush but they can't fool the Crabster.

You Think You Had A Bad Day

Skylar Deleon, a one-time child actor on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, has been convicted of three counts of first-degree murder. Here's what the little bastard did: He and a couple other guys scammed a couple from Arizona into taking them out on the yacht they were trying to sell, then tied the poor people to an anchor and threw them overboard. Their bodies were never recovered. Nice. The other murder was a little less creative: Deleon bilked some guy out of $50,000 then slit his throat. But of course the defense is arguing that Skylar had a bad childhood and therefore should be spared the death penalty. Fuck that. This bastard should be drawn and quartered on national television and his dismembered carcass fed to dogs. Put it on a double-bill with Nick Hogan being raped by 100 slobbering lunatics and run it during sweeps.

Fake Brits Stick Together

Gwyneth Paltrow is helping her old pal Madonna navigate the rough road of divorce from Guy Ritchie. "She's a very good friend," Paltrow told reporters. "I'm supporting her in all the ways that I can. I'm just there for her. I speak to her a lot." I'm sure those conversations are very pithy. Must be hilarious listening to these two twats talk to each other in their fake accents. I hope Gwyneth is keeping lots of notes. Afterward she can share her new insights on Goop.com, her website for bullshit that pops into her head.

Get Over Thyselves

Guy Ritchie thinks Madonna is spying on him. A source told the Sun about a family meeting Guy convened at the mansion to work out strategy in his media war against Vadge, and Guy's belief that certain pro-Madonna members of the staff eavesdropped on said summit and fed Madonna the intelligence. "When Guy found out he lost the plot," the source reports. "He said, 'How can you set fire to our whole world? Why go to such lengths to destroy me?' But Guy knows it would be unusual if Madonna wasn't monitoring his every move." These people really do take themselves awfully seriously don't they? Makes it hard for me to root for either side. Yes, I'd like to see Madonna get raked over the coals - but then again, I still harbor so many unpleasant memories of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels that I also wouldn't mind seeing Guy suffer. 'Tis a quandary, for sure.

Nice Try

This isn't Dakota Fanning playing a cheerleader in a movie - it's Dakota actually cheerleading at her school. Oh right. Dakota's just a regular kid like every other kid...who offends cancer patients and pisses off her directors by refusing to leave her trailer when she doesn't like something. This bitch's life is a Disney TV show waiting to happen. Dakota Montana. Her little sister Elle could play her.

Blimp

That's just the most unflattering dress of all-time right? Hathaway doesn't actually have the hips of a lesbian gym teacher. Maybe she's just trying to send Raffaello Follieri a reassuring message. "See? Being in jail's not so bad." Sweet of her.

Milking It

Brooke Hogan lets everyone know how glad she is her friend-destroying brother Nick is out of jail. Great. Now they can go back to diddling each other in their treehouse like they always used to. Then daddy can come and make it an unnatural threesome.

The Power Of Stupid

Brooke Hogan has blogged on the imminent release of her evil little faggot brother Nick. She's really excited to see him and all the haters just don't know what it's like to walk in their shoes and blah blah blah. Most of it is typical boring shit. But there's one part that's really rich. This part:

All I ask, is instead of making this harder, and putting evil things out there, you pray for John [Graziano] and for us, and leave words of inspiration. I know - like I know - like I know- John is gonna walk out of that hospital and things will be ok again. I know his strength and I know he can do it with our prayers.

John Graziano is going to walk out of the hospital if everyone just prays for him. Really? With his entire brain missing? Yeah...in case you forgot, the clip is still on YouTube. Don't click this link if you can't handle the gruesome. Hmm...so God is going to scoop Graziano's cerebrum back into his skull and make him walk again. How stupid is this cunt? How mind-numbingly clueless? This bitch is so dumb she's even an insult to stupid people. John Graziano has no brain but she knows his strength and he'll get up and walk. No tranny retard - he doesn't have strength anymore because he no longer exists! All that's left of him is a shell that still looks like him. The part of him that made him who he was and gave him whatever strength he might have possessed has been utterly wiped out! By your psychotic little hot-rodding brother who now likes big sweaty guys fucking him in the ass even more than he did before! Seriously...who do I have to blow to make these people die? I don't care who it is - I'll blow them and blow them until my stomach explodes from all the jizz. Anything to make...these...people...cease...to...pollute...my...planet!!!

They Don't Get To Play The Sexism Card Anymore...

What was the most revealing part of Sarah Palin's appearance on Saturday Night Live? I think it came during the bit with Alec Baldwin at the beginning. Baldwin thinks she's Tina Fey, then Lorne Michaels tells him no, she's the real Sarah Palin, and Baldwin says some crap about her being "way hotter" in person. It was the "way hotter" line that got me. Is that not a sexist line? Yes, I realize it's a joke, but still...does Palin not stand there and willingly cooperate in being at least mildly objectified? You know she had full veto power over all the material, which means she had to approve of that particular bit. And why would this woman, who's trying to make people take her seriously, willingly consent to such a frivolous, marginally degrading bit? She just enjoys being flattered, is my guess. Especially by famous people like Alec Baldwin. So Palin overlooked the sexism and lapped up the compliment. Well you know what? All along Palin's people have been defending her by crying sexism. Someone calls her stupid: it's sexism. Someone calls her unqualified: it's sexism. Someone dares suggest that she shouldn't be taken seriously: it's sexism. But Palin, by willingly submitting to a sexist gag in the name of flattery and fame-whoreism, has removed that card from her deck forever. The next time someone criticizes her and her people cry sexism, someone has to cry back, "You're way hotter in person!"

Sorry Sarah - if you want to be taken seriously, then don't go on television and let Alec Baldwin drool on you. Even if he's faking. Even if you're only supposed to be joking. It makes you look cheap and easy. You may have impressed your half-witted acolytes but I see through you. You are an empty dress who wants to schmooze with the beautiful and famous. That wasn't just a guest appearance on a comedy show for you - it was you taking what you think is your rightful place among the stars. Unfortunately, when Obama wins, it will be back to Alaska for you. So sorry, caribou bitch.

Will Smith Likes Meat

A Hollywood madame has confirmed what most of us always suspected - Will Smith is a flaming queer. The story comes from some site called IanUnderCover. The writer's source tells of the first time she met Smith, who was looking for a little dick:

I had to reassure him over and over that I could guarantee discretion. Once I convinced him I could, he placed his order. It was for a man. I had 14 women working for me and two guys. You’d be surprised at how many Hollywood stars requested the services of the guys.

I probably wouldn't be surprised but that's cause I'm jaded. IanUnderCover guy goes on to speculate that Smith's ill-concealed interest in Scientology stems from that religion's claims that it can "cure" homosexuality. Oh yeah. They've done a great job knocking the queer out of Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Just look at those flamers. Fucking closeted freaks. Just get over it already. Embrace your true nature. Dick rules.

Now We Know Why No Man Can Stand Her Long

Jennifer Aniston is a full-on OCD case according to her friends. The sell-outs told National Enquirer that Jen carries hand-sanitizer in her purse so she can wipe down all surfaces that might've been touched by slimy, germy peasants before she'll allow her own delicate skin to make contact with them. She also refuses to touch other people and often panics if someone tries to shake her hand. Oh okay...now it becomes clear. Why men can't stomach the bitch. "No, I will not subject my penis to a laboratory test before I stick it in you." People are dirty sweetie - even you. Get used to it.

Strangers on a Train

Witnesses tell of unpleasantness between girlfriends Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson on a New York-to-D.C. train last Thursday. Sam was apparently exasperated at Lindsay's endless whining about her staff, and Lindsay was firing back with lines like, "I do what's good for you, not what's best for both of us," which evidently means that Ronson wants to keep things on the down-low while Lindsay still prefers living life in the spotlight. Sam reportedly took to sighing and hiding her head with her hood. The life of the gold-digger - it ain't all easy folks.

For A Second I Thought It Was Jeffrey Wells...

Roberto Cavalli. Not bad for 107.

Apple's Jacked

Woah. Being named Apple ain't the worst of her issues, clearly. Do her a favor Gwyneth and throw a bag over her head. The stares will only scar her.

So Much for Chastity Oaths

Does anyone think this is as far as it went between Kevin Jonas and his girlfriend? Yeah right. That rock isn't only stained with bird shit right now, let me tell you that.

Road to Recovery

DJ AM is grateful to be alive. Or was until he ran into Mandy Moore, anyway. What kind of soup is that I wonder?

Damage Control

Mark Wahlberg went on SNL to joke about being mad over last week's Andy Samberg skit lampooning him. People are saying the whole thing was a set-up to begin with but I don't believe it. I think Marky really was mad at Samberg and he let it bubble over in his Jimmy Kimmel appearance when he referred to Samberg's "big nose." And then people started telling him the "big nose" thing was going to get him in trouble so he decided to make amends for it. Note how, in the clip, he refers to Samberg's "big, beautiful nose." Lesson #1 about Hollywood: Don't piss off the Jews. Marky Mark knows this.

Palin on SNL

So Sarah Palin gets to go on SNL and yuk it up with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey and it's all cool, right? She gets to make a joke out of the fact that she refuses to answer any meaningful questions and so what cause she's a terrific sport and "way hotter in person?" Fuck Alec Baldwin. Seriously. If he ever opens his mouth about politics again he deserves to get kicked right in his teeth. Either Palin is the personification of evil or she isn't. The Weekend Update shit with her and the rapping is just pathetic. SNL needs to go away - forever.

Fame Whore

Sarah Palin will appear this week on Saturday Night Live it has been confirmed. She's a fame-whore. A fame-whore who thinks humans walked with dinosaurs and Jesus will be coming back next Wednesday. Now she's going to go on SNL, probably in a skit with Tina Fey, and show everyone what a good sport she is. Cause that's what matters - the willingness to outwardly poke fun at oneself while secretly wanting to take one's mockers between one's butt cheeks and crush their skulls. This woman is evil and heartless and would kill everyone she disagreed with if given the chance.

Inglorious Bastard

The first picture of Brad Pitt in Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. Okay. Great.

Update: Apparently this film is going to be called Inglourious Basterds - intentional misspelling - some Tarantino wit - Death Proof sucked sack but I liked Kill Bill - wish Quentin would do a romantic-comedy.

More Fun With Fake Katie (NSFW)

I wonder if Tom secretly wishes that real Katie was as much fun as Fake Katie. "Come on Kate. Just a little pinkie wiggle in the ass. Just once. I'll let you eat one of your own cupcakes." Fake Katie would tongue Tom's ass till he screamed like Rosie O'Donnell walking into the world's greatest buffet.

Just Like Us

Barack and Michelle Obama were staying at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York. Michelle got hungry at 4 pm and had room service send her a little snack: lobster hors d'oeuvres, two whole steamed lobsters, Iranian caviar and champagne. Then they smeared the caviar all over each other and got crazy and afterward they swilled champagne and lit cigars with fifties. Then they watched video of Barack's speeches and laughed their asses off at all the dumb-ass white people swallowing his jive. You know they're both Islamic militants right?

Talking Kook

Ah the saga of Stevie Wonder's L.A. home. Reports said it burned down and all Steve's stuff went with it. Then Stevie denied the story, saying his house was fine. Now Page 6 claims Stevie started the whole thing himself by telling people his house had burned down. Either Stevie has a weird sense of humor or the whole being blind thing doesn't get him all the sympathy he needs anymore.

What's He Worried About?

Billy Bob Thornton doesn't want credit for breaking up David Duchovny and Tea Leoni. "Billy Bob Thornton and Téa Leoni are just friends," Billy Bob's rep said amid reports of an affair between the two. "They recently completed working on a film together." Oh, they were working on a film together. So of course they couldn't have been fucking each other like a couple of mad hyenas. You'd think Billy Bob would like being attached to Tea. It's the best pub he's gotten in years. And it's way too late for him to be concerned about his reputation. That train done left the station.

Slut

Hayden Panettiere may be sick of shacking up with pansy Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia. The pint-sized dolphin savior's wandering eye reportedly fell upon Los Angeles Lakers player Lamar Odom the other night after a Jay-Z concert, and her little loins began verily to throb with lust. "She seemed thrilled to see Lamar and flirted up a storm with him," a spy said. "He spent much of their chat almost bent double, so he could hear what she was saying. I thought she was dating Milo Ventimiglia but that didn't seem to stop her exchanging numbers with Lamar. He seemed very fond of her." Well, he's black, she's white, so yeah - he was probably pretty fond of her. Now she dreams of being spun around like a wacky party favor on top of Lamar's massive negro shaft.

Not A Rumor

Jennifer Aniston was snapped heading into John Mayer's house for some kind of birthday get-together (he just turned 31). I bet she covered herself in whipped cream or something lame. He had her out of there by 10 pm so the strippers could come in.

A Boy's Best Friend Is His Mother

Guy Ritchie's mama Lady Amber Leighton isn't having any of that crap Madonna has been slinging at her boy in the wake of their break-up. Two days after Madonna called Guy an emotional retard at one of her shows, Lady Amber shot back, "[Madonna] can never resist having a pop, even now when it's not the most appropriate time. Imagine living with that snarky attitude the whole time."

Lady Amber may support her son but she doesn't feel any pity for him. "Guy chose to take this route, he knew what he was doing when he married her and got involved with that end of the market," she said. "He knew when he got into this relationship it was the price he would have to pay."

That end of the market? Did she just slam Madonna for being a low-rent slag? Oh you have to love the British. It always boils down to class finally doesn't it? Madonna can have all the money she wants and move to London and affect an accent but to people like Lady Amber Leighton she'll always be some little piece of garbage from Detroit who should be shining silver and saying "Yes, mum. No, mum." I'm sure Madonna could just feel the contempt too. There's nothing like a dose of pure British snobbery to put you in your place.

Just A Suggestion

When and if anyone ever does a movie about John McCain's life, I nominate Renee Zellweger to play McCain. She's just about as crazy too.

More Goo-Goo Eyes

Okay I'm tired of Miley Cyrus and her boy-toy Justin Gaston. If I have to see this little twat making goo-goo eyes at him or sticking her tongue out suggestively at him one more time I'm going to...just scream or something.

What Is This Crap?

Getting sort of sick of all this normal Britney stuff. Dressing like a decent human being? Not wearing ratty extensions? No longer hanging out with lowlifes like Sam Lutfi and Alli Sims? You let us down Britney. You let us all down.

Not Kidding

Does this make you feel superior? If so, you might be one of the hard-core racists the Chaffey Community Republican Women, Federated were targeting when they sent this image out in a flier to their members. The morons at the group have already apologized "if" they offended anyone. Big of them.

Tongue Action

Miley Cyrus sends a little message to her boyfriend Justin Gaston as he walks the runway for Christian Audigier. Let me remind everyone once again: Miley is 15, Justin is 20. Thank you.

Not To Be Outdone...

Guy Ritchie has had plenty to say to friends behind-the-scenes about the break-up of his marriage to Madonna. For example...would you be shocked to learn that Guy thinks Madonna is stuck on herself to the point of delusion? "She’s obsessed with her own public image, obsessed with being seen as some kind of global soothsayer," Guy reportedly told friends. "It’s silly, she’s a pop star."

Guy also apparently irritated Madonna by bad-mouthing Kabbalah, the fake religion she's taken as her own. "Guy’s initial support and interest in Kabbalah turned to annoyance and hatred," a source revealed. "Guy doesn’t believe Kabbalah is a religion on a par with Christianity. He thinks a lot of it is hokum - which has infuriated Madonna.”

And Christianity isn't hokum?

I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for Guy. He married Madonna for the sake of his dopey movie directing career. Now he'll get a bunch of money out of her. Can he please just go away? Would that be too much to ask?

The Queen

She looks really weird from certain angles doesn't she? Almost deformed.

John McCain What The Fuh?

Watch the debate? Nah, me either. They both bore me senseless.

Class Act

It didn't take Madonna long to start bad-mouthing Guy Ritchie. The human vaginal sore took after soon-to-be-ex-husband last night at her Boston gig during an intro to one of her songs, saying, "[This is for the] emotionally retarded ... You might know a few people who fall into that category ... God knows I do." Like yourself? And everyone who listens to your music? Dear Madonna: What could be greater evidence of emotional retardation than slamming someone you allegedly once loved in front of thousands of people? Yes, I realize divorces come with a lot of hurt and bitterness and recrimination but most people aren't low-rent enough to go declaring that shit before whole arenas full of complete strangers. I guess fake spirituality doesn't make you a better person after all.

Songs In The Key Of Why God, Why?

Stevie Wonder is said to be devastated after a wild fire burned down his Los Angeles-area home. "Everything was destroyed - all of Stevie's memorabilia, photos, musical instruments, history, clothing, furniture, everything," said a source. "It's all gone." Uh, I don't wanna be a jerk here but...why the hell would you keep all that precious stuff in a house in L.A. when you know that area is prone to fires, earthquakes and all other kinds of natural disasters? What, did Stevie figure God would protect him? I hate to break it to you Stevie, but God hasn't been very kind to you up till now. In fact, I'd say God pretty much has it in for you. On the good side...at least you're still alive, which is more than I can say for Ray Charles.

At Least McCain Has One Supporter Left

Stephen Baldwin supports John McCain. He is willing to do anything for his candidate including box his opponent Barack Obama. "I'd like to knock some good sense into Barack," said the lesser Baldwin. "I wouldn't hurt him. But if he wins the election, he'll hurt me. He's a cultural terrorist." Nice to see that Stephen gets how Democracy works. The twit has said he'll leave the country if Juggy wins, so there's one more reason to go out and vote Obama. And you thought Alec was the most thuggish, wrong-headed member of the Baldwin family. You thought wrong.

So Very Wrong

Ron Wood has given up trying to kick booze and given up his wife Jo, who's now divorcing him, to spend out what remains of his existence with tarty little Russian waitress Ekaterina Ivanova. Clearly, Ron harbors a fantasy of dying of a heart attack in bed with some hot-blooded skank. By the looks of him I'd say he'll be fulfilling said wish, oh, just about any minute. Unless he dies in his sleep first.

Who's The Sex Addict?

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have followed the Madonna-Ritchie lead and called it quits on their marriage. All that sex addiction stuff and Duchovny going to rehab must've really put the strain on their relationship huh? Er...looks like it was a little more complicated than that. According to reports, the marriage managed to survive Duchovny's ickiness - then went balls up when he discovered naughty text messages on her mobile phone. Naughty text messages sent to her by no less a scumbag than Billy Bob Thornton! Talk about plot twists. Let's see J.J. Abrams top that shit.

Yes Duchovny fans - it's okay for you to still love him. In fact, Tea Leoni now looks like an utterly hatable hypocritical little slag doesn't she? Here's David admitting all his faults in public and going to rehab for being a horn-dog while she's running around with the single grossest bastard on the face of the earth. Yeah, Tea - you're a class-act.

Where's My Varmint Gun?

A little camouflage hoodie with ears. Why oh why couldn't some drunk hunter mistake this bitch for a ferret or a prairie dog or some other little critter and make her go away forever and ever? Why?

Person I've Never Heard Of Is Hurt

Says here that Gale Harold, who plays Teri Hatcher's husband on Desperate Housewives, was badly injured in a motorcycle accident. Gale has two first names and only one of them is masculine. I don't know, maybe he just couldn't stand the thought of having to act with Teri Hatcher anymore. Do we know if the guy was distraught? Crap, I just dropped a peanut.

Epileptics Please Look Away

Where is Christina Aguilera going with this new look? That print is amazing. It's like a test pattern on acid. Or a stained glass window from the church of What the Fuck Was That Bitch Thinking? I'm pretty sure Gwen Stefani already wore out that hair and make-up combo about eight years ago.

Homewrecker

Shocking news: Madonna and Alex Rodriguez have been doing their "romantic" icky things while Madge was supposedly using Kabbalah power to patch things up with husband Guy Ritchie. Oh really? So Rodriguez is just a big dumb homewrecker and Madonna is another old twat clinging desperately to the last shreds of her youth. Oh my. I think I may faint.

It's Really Over This Time Really Really

Madonna and Guy Ritchie gave their marriage another go but apparently whatever they were trying didn't work and now they're divorcing for real. "Guy Ritchie is responsible for wanting this divorce now," a source revealed. "He didn't want to wait to break the news, it had gone on along enough. This marriage was over a long time ago."

"All her friends and family have known all along," another source added. "They had to keep it under wraps and really tried to work things out. They tried for years, actually.

"They thought their belief in Kabbalah could help, but it's unfortunately hard for Madonna to hold on to anybody in her life. Thank God she has the kids."

So Kabbalah isn't strong enough to keep people's egos from spiraling out of control and ruining their relationships? What the fuck is religion good for if it can't keep people's selfishness and vanity in check? Why don't any of these wads ever apply a dash of logic and realize all their hocus pocus isn't doing them a lick of good and their whole problem is that they are who they are and no amount of mumbo jumbo will ever change that? Hmm?

Starlet Relapse Part II, The Not-So-Mild Version

Remember not so long ago when Kirsten Dunst was all talking about how much rehab helped her and how she was a different person now and it was all good? Uh, yeah. The part of her brain that came up with that one forgot to tell the rest of her brain and, well, thank goodness we're here to set her straight.

Starlet Relapse Part 1, The Mild Version

This picture of Mischa Barton trying to exit a store with a case of Bud Light wouldn't be so bad if not for that little guilty look on her face. Yes, it's fine - it's only a case of Bud Light. She's just having a little party. People can have those if they want, even starlets who've been to rehab after getting nailed for DUI. It's not like she was going to drink the whole case herself. Still, why the guilty look Mischa? My God - you were going to drink the whole thing yourself.

Is It Halloween Already?

Lindsay Lohan is getting really skinny again like she was when everyone thought she was dying. Yeah, Sam Ronson is a great influence on her. Ali? I just don't know what to say anymore. What a sad, lost little soul. Nice boots though.

Just Get a New One

Every week I see more pictures of Charlize Theron dragging her dog to the vet. What the hell is wrong with the dog? It's probably got a contact-high all the time from having to live with Charlize, for one thing. I just don't see the point here frankly. It's a dog. Put it to sleep and get a new one. Get two new ones. It's damn ugly anyways.

She Can't Stay Away

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back on again. Spies say the couple met in New York to spend the weekend together, and attended a Ray LaMontagne concert in full view of other humans. "It was a very public date," a source said. Another source confirms that commitment issues were behind the original break-up. Basically, Aniston wanted to settle down and make babies but Mayer didn't. Earth to Jen: If you want a family, find an older guy who's ready for that, not some young snatch-happy bastard like Mayer. Don't you know he just wants to fuck as many famous women as possible? He's playing you bitch. Jesus, I'm starting to think Aniston just isn't that bright. Clearly, Mayer likes them that way. Jessica Simpson? Minka Kelly? High IQ is clearly not one of his priorities when seeking out a partner.

No Extra Crispy For Her

Shanna Moakler tried her slutty moves on Gerard Butler at the opening of some bullshit new restaurant in Hollywood. I'm hoping Gerard had the good taste to stay far away from that corroded snatch of hers but I fear he's just another dirty dog who will fuck anything with two legs and isn't averse to fucking things with one leg or no legs if you get him in the right mood. Speaking of mutilated people...Travis Barker, Shanna's ex, continues his recovery in an L.A. burn ward, without any help from Shanna who apparently visited him a couple of times and then decided she wasn't the nurturing type. "Despite any rumors you might have heard via my EX-wife Shanna Moakler, who I have not seen since the week I checked in, I've been treated amazingly well, both here in LA and in Georgia," Barker posted on his blog. Gerard has the advantage of a penis that doesn't resemble a hot dog someone left too long on the gas grill.

Gotta Watch the Help

Two of David and Victoria Beckham's housekeepers were arrested for allegedly stealing their employers' gaudy shit and putting it on eBay. The stuff was allegedly taken from Posh and Becks's $5 million Beckingham Palace, a place they barely visit anymore since moving to L.A. (making it real easy for somebody to pinch stuff). Unfortunately, the thieves' plan was foiled when Victoria's parents saw the stuff on eBay and recognized it.

You know what would've been funny? If Posh's parents had bought the shit and then given it to her as a birthday present. You think she would've recognized it? "I gave that to you five years ago you dumb twat. You don't even know how much shit you have do you?"

The alleged thieves, Eric and June Emmett, deny the whole thing, and blame the British tabs for making it up. Well, yeah, that's possible. It's also possible that we're dealing with a couple of dumb-asses who will now be ground into dust because they dared fuck with Posh.

The Very Face of Evil

Dakota Fanning made no friends on the set of her new movie Winged Creatures. She especially irked the director, Rowan Woods, who calls her a diva (there are more descriptive words he could've used I'm sure but he's probably a gentleman or maybe he's afraid of the little bitch). Woods says Fanning once refused to leave her trailer because her scene wasn't being shot first, and also claims she was "intensely jealous" of her teenage co-star Josh Hutcherson. Woods has gotten revenge on the little cunt by largely excising her from the film, an ensemble piece also starring Forest Whitaker, Guy Pearce and Kate Beckinsale.

"She is a gorgeous girl ... but she was the disaster," Woods says. "There was something about her presence that wasn't ringing true. Most of our work was cutting her scenes and a lot of her scenes were cut."

Someone thinks awfully highly of herself, eh? I'm sorry but I'm still waiting for evidence that Dakota is this indispensable little budding film goddess. What has she ever done besides scream her head off four two hours in War of the Worlds? Oh, and offend every young cancer victim in the world with her tantrum about "not wanting to look like those kids" when she was taken to visit a hospital ahead of a part she was playing (and eventually lost because she refused to shave her precious little head). I know it's wrong to root for children to have their lives ruined, but I really hope this bitch ends up like Tatum O'Neal. Just a complete puke-stained trainwreck.

On Location With Mel Gibson - Edge of Darkness

Mel Gibson has climbed back into the saddle as an actor for a starring role in Edge of Darkness, a murder-mystery directed by Martin Campbell of Casino Royale fame, and written by William Monahan of The Departed. A Crabbie fan who lives in the Massachusetts town where Gibson was just filming was kind enough to share some accounts of the shoot and pass along some exclusive pictures of Mel on-location.


The shoot was largely a nightmare for residents of Northampton, whose town was all but shut down for a week. Crabbie's spy says the crew took over the court house, creating a huge annoyance, and even went so far as to disable a safety device intended to aid the visually impaired at a dangerous intersection. One resident wasn't having any of the nonsense however. The handicapped woman, says Crabbie's spy, parked her car in the middle of the shoot and was told to move by a crew-member. "I will park anywhere I damn well want," the elderly lady shouted back. "I don't care who the fuck you are." The crew member thought better of further confrontation and let the old lady go her merry way.

Of course Mel Gibson himself was the star attraction. Some residents had fun with him while the cast and crew were busy across the street from the post office. A postal worker shouted at him, "Hel Mel, you need some stamps?"

"Do you have any with my picture on it?" Gibson replied.

The postal worker said no, she indeed did not.

"Well you should make some," Mel quipped. "Nothing would give me more pleasure than knowing that people across the United States are licking my ass."

Mel Gibson, always the wit. At least he abstained from dropping a "Sugartits" or an anti-Jewish rant in there. Here are more pictures of the pampered, apparently sunstroke-prone Mr. Gibson shooting Edge of Darkness.

(Congratulations to the tavern owners around Northampton by the way - I'm sure they cleaned up while Mel was in town. That piss smell will eventually go away too.)


"You're a little person. I'm just like Jesus except I'm not a Jew. Did you just make eye-contact?"



"Oh, that one's got a nice ass."



"Apocalypto. What the hell was I thinking? God I really need help don't I? Nah, fuck it. I'm Mel Gibson."

"Look at all these fucking peasants. What the hell do they even go on breathing for? Oh man I'd like to ride that one like a fucking race horse."

Sad Little Freak

Prop-child Suri Cruise is having a rough go of it. According to people in the know, the little Scientologist spends too much time being dragged around by her parents and isn't getting enough interaction with other kids. "Whenever she sees kids, she gets excited and runs up to them and hugs them as if she never gets to see kids her own age," a source told Page 6. "There's not a lot of socialization there." Well, I imagine the other kids are intimidated by her. I mean she is flawless. And what kind of activities is little Suri supposed to engage in with those kids? "Hi new friends. Wanna help me solve String Theory? I've discovered three new super-symmetries." Eating mud isn't all that appealing to someone who can already build her own working space ship out of Legos.

Keeping Up The Charade

Reese and Jake keep pushing their fake relationship. I'm not sure why. It didn't help Rendition. Maybe they just enjoy pretend romance. It's easier than real romance. All those damned bodily fluids...

A Tragedy Waiting to Happen

Angelina Jolie reveals in her big W magazine feature that she's already begun sharing her love of murderous weapons with her children. "My mom took me to buy my first daggers when I was 11 or 12," the crazy bitch says. "And I’ve already bought Maddox some things. We take him to a special shop." Some things? Like what? Machetes? Will he be hacking his way through a lot of underbrush in the near future? Oh yeah - it'll be really hysterical when Shiloh comes running to you waving her severed arm around. "Maddox macheted me again mommy!" What you gonna do? Sew the thing on yourself and send her back out? "Stop being such a pansy Shiloh." Christ on a tricycle, this is one fucked-up woman. Even Shitney wouldn't be so irresponsible as to give her kids knives to play with. Drugs, sure, and cigarettes and booze bottles. But knives?

It's Come to This

Lisa Kudrow's career is so far in the toilet that she's had to resort to setting up a table and selling bags. God I hate those bucket hats. If you're under 70 and you're wearing one of those hats, please kill yourself with acid right now. And if you see Lisa's stand, buy one of her bags, and please don't mention Aniston or Cox. Unless you want to see her head go flying around like in a cartoon and smoke come out her ears.

Something Bad Apparently Happened

Kinda hard to tell but this is actually video of Tobey Maguire and some of his peeps attempting to buy a Halloween pumpkin. The whole thing goes terribly wrong and some dumb pap ends up with a busted head. The cops come and haul away the guy responsible for the head busting. Dear Tobey: There are lots of places to live in this world where the paparazzi aren't. Move to one of them. Yes, they sell drugs in those places too. Signed, your concerned friend the Crabmaster.

Humorless Putz

Actor Mark Wahlberg is all bent out of shape because Saturday Night Live made fun of him in the already semi-legendary "Barky Bark and The Donkey Bunch" skit starring Andy Samberg. Said Wahlberg when asked about the clip by the New York Post's Reed Tucker:

Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now.

Sour grapes Marky. Just like when Eminem pissed you off years ago on MTV by bringing up your early Marky Mark persona. Why are you so keen to disavow that part of your life anyway Marky? Is it your way of acknowledging that your whole white rapper phase was unbelievably douchey and lame? You're still a douchebag Marky...a completely humorless putz like Kanye West. You think the sun rises and sets in your ass and if anyone deigns to mock you it's some kind of crime against humanity. Well get over it. Samberg nailed you. The skit is hilarious even if it makes no sense. There's no sadder trait in a human being than the inability to laugh at oneself, and you clearly possess this trait Marky.

Beach Bitch

Minnie Driver shat out her kid and there she is right back at the beach (though thankfully not in a bikini). I swear this chick doesn't have a proper home but lives in a hole like a crab or some other kind of crustacean. I'm not sure how she keeps her clothes from being covered in sand though. Still working on that part of it.

Insanity

Cheapening

Meg Ryan has admitted that her Hollywood career is probably over. She says she's too old to get good parts anymore and doesn't really feel like trying. But instead of merely fading into the woodwork like all good washed-up movie stars do, Ryan has decided to cling to the spotlight with every last ounce of strength she has in her. And because she has no more real acting prospects, she's decided to resort to the cheesy, wholly predictable ploy of spilling her private shit all over the place. Recently, she threw her ex-husband Dennis Quaid under the bus, claiming he was unfaithful to her for a long time - long before she herself fucked around with Russell Crowe (in a move clearly meant to help her escape her good-girl image - it didn't work cause no one cared either way). Quaid came back at Ryan, saying, "It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship." It's not unbelievable at all Dennis - it's right out of the playbook. No one has any class anymore. It all reminds me of something Greta Garbo once said when asked why she refused to talk about her personal life:

Your joys and sorrows. You can never tell them. You cheapen the inside of yourself if you do tell them.

A lesson that's lost on the Meg Ryans of the world.

Dimbulb

"Somebody wanna turn down that big shiny light in the sky? It's hurtin' my eyes."

Bullshit, Sherlock

Robert Downey, Jr. is playing Sherlock Holmes in a new movie directed by, of all people, Guy Ritchie. So this will be the Sherlock Holmes movie where everyone swears a lot and shoots machine guns and Madonna shows up but no one can tell if she's a man or a woman? I could be prevailed upon to be down with the idea of Downey as Holmes - he's just so damned entertaining, Downey is - but not with uber-hack Ritchie at the helm. And what, by the way, is going on with the hat? That my friends is not a Sherlock Holmes hat. That is a Charlie Chaplin hat. And Downey already played Charlie Chaplin once and that movie sucked scrotum. And I'm also pretty sure there was no Starbucks in Sherlock's time. This thing is fucked already.

I Deny Caring

Gossip Girl starlet Taylor Momsen wants everyone to know she doesn't have anorexia. "I’m just kind of naturally thin. My mom’s really thin, and I’m tall. Good genes… I just eat healthy. I walk a lot because I live in New York. So I try to walk a lot instead of taking cabs… I should probably start working out or something. I dance, so I guess that’s a full workout. I’ve been dancing since I was three, so I guess that would be it." Sorry, but I guess I missed all those swirling Taylor Momsen anorexia rumors. They must've passed through the air right behind those lesbian rumors Hayden Panettiere went out of her way to shoot down not long ago. This is apparently the favorite ploy of young, attention-starved harlots - denying rumors no one ever started in the first place.

Creep

"Keep your hands off my lunch you thoughtless little pig. Hey, if I asked your mom real nice, you think she'd let me lip-buzz her bazooms?"

Swedish Pop Stars Hate Madonna

Swedish pop star Robyn has offered up a chilling account of what it's like to open for Madonna. As you'd expect, there are lots of rules, most of them entirely unreasonable. For instance, Robyn's people were told "not to approach Madonna, not to speak to Madonna and, above all, no pictures." Robyn, speaking to her local paper, blasted The Veiny One's egomania, saying, "I hadn't expected any glamour, but it's strange that they assume that the first thing you're gonna do is run after Madonna and ask for an autograph. My worst nightmare would be to turn into Madonna...Madonna is constantly chasing the latest trends." Turning yourself into Iggy Pop with tits is the latest trend? I'm glad I'm totally out of it then.

Our Little Man is Growing Up

This is how it happens - first they show their dick on stage, then they start doing all sorts of drugs.

Trouble in Doofadise

Avril Lavigne and husband Deryck Whibley are having problems in their two-year-old marriage. Little Avril has been on tour you see, and Deryck has availed himself of the opportunity to chat up skanks and otherwise enjoy his freedom from that absurd twat he tricked himself into marrying. A recent episode at Villa was documented by the Enquirer:

It seemed as if Deryck and his woman couldn’t keep their hands off of each other ... They huddled at a private table, and Deryck had his arm around her and was holding her hand.

Oh no! He's cheating on Avril. That son of a bitch! Somebody buy him a drink on me!

Rift

Katie Holmes has been spending most of her time in New York, and would like to continue doing so - even if her husband Tom Cruise prefers living in L.A. “Katie doesn’t really love Beverly Hills,” a source told In Touch magazine. So the actress, who has become a Broadway star thanks to her turn in All My Sons, is looking for digs in Manhattan, something in the "$10 million" range. Oh yeah? And she has that much money of her own? I'm kinda doubting it. And I bet as long as Tom controls the purse strings Katie will live wherever the hell Tom says she will live.

No J-Ho

Eva Mendes does not appreciate people comparing her to Jennifer Lopez. "I would like to think I will have a more serious career than J-Lo," Mendes says. "We may both be of Latin origin but that’s where the comparisons stop.

"She manages her career like the head of a big corporation, whereas the only thing I care about is becoming the best actress possible."

Sure Eva. You're not the least bit jealous of J-Lo and all the media attention she gets and the moneymaking machines she's turned most of her endeavors into. You're a "serious actress" who doesn't go in for all that corporate bullshit. Please. Obviously, you just lack Lopez's savvy and ambition. Otherwise you'd be a big star like her.

Rumer Willis Acts

Heehee...the bit where the guy asks how her husband's eye is and she says "It's improving. He told me I looked beautiful today." Did Rumer have them write that in just for her self-esteem? And how did her husband's get injured in the first place? A horrible chin-related accident?

Congrats Bill Maher

Former Scientologist Tory Christman jumps on YouTube to inform Bill Maher that he's been officially declared a suppressive person by the COS. All religions hate Bill because he made the movie Religulous in which he questions people of faith and makes them look like dumpling brains (which isn't really that hard frankly). Thankfully, we live in relatively enlightened times, so Bill doesn't have to worry about being stretched on a rack or stoned to death or crucified. Unless he somehow winds up breaking down in Kansas.

Freaks By Default

Michael Jackson took his kids to a comic store in Paris. They were all wearing masks at first, then they took them off and the store patrons begged them to put them back on. No, I kid. His children look fine. They're quite pretty actually. Unfortunately, they are complete freaks. They will never have normal lives - they will exist in a bizarro bubble and one day this will burst and they will be forced to deal with reality and won't know how. And they will end up in jail or the morgue or maybe Pluto.

She Gave it All to Aniston

Courteney Cox admits she once tried Botox, but says she didn't like it. "Botox? I think it's fantastic and also horrible," Cox said. "I mean, they've come up with this stuff that can make you not look angry. But you have to use it sparingly.

"I went to this doctor once, and he was like, 'Oh, let me do it just here and here and here.' And I was miserable."

There already was stuff that made you not look angry - it's called sex. You know, that stuff your friend Jennifer Aniston used to have when Brad Pitt was her man but can't get now unless she's willing to throw herself at losers like John Mayer and Vince Vaughn.

Did You Also Drop Out of Acting School?

Christian Slater has come out - as a high school dropout. "High school was not something that I remotely took seriously," Slater admitted to Parade magazine (in an interview he ironically cannot read). But the actor has kids now and wants to set a good example, so he took night courses and passed his GED. Now his kids will know the key to success - quitting school, taking up acting, lucking into a couple good roles because you vaguely remind people of Jack Nicholson, becoming a wash-out, enrolling in night school and taking a high school equivalency test. Good job Christian.

Take Me to Your Leader, Earthling

Reese Witherspoon landed the ship and ran some errands. Dilithium crystal store. Space-laundry. Ass-wax. Lube run for Jake. Lots and lots of drugs.

His Hair Was Miraculously Uninjured

Zac Efron was hurt shooting a song and dance number for the new High School Musical 3. The scene involved some kind of wacky rotating hallway and Zac had a hard time dealing with the wonky set and fell on his assy little face. "We had always talked about doing a scene in a revolving setting and then one day I walked in and there was a revolving hallway," the faggot explained. "It was like a square inside a big hamster wheel. I got there and the crew said, 'OK, let's go!' I was like, 'I haven't rehearsed yet guys!'

"So Kenny Ortega, the director, told me to rehearse it but also filmed it at the same time. It was crazy! I fell over a few times. At one point it reversed direction and I wasn't ready - I ate it then!"

You ate it? Um...might want to rephrase that hon.

Get Over It, Fat Girl

Nikki Blonsky says she "lives every day in pain" since that airport brawl her and father got into with model Bianca Golden and her mother. "The hardest part for me is to see my parents walk around in severe upset and sadness," Blonsky said. That's what drugs are for, honey. Oh, but wait - you already have a drug. Food. And you're overdosing from the looks of it. Gosh, sorry you and your father are a couple of white trash losers who can't keep their shit together. Bad genes - not your fault I guess.

Yawn

Brad Pitt took some pictures of Angelina Jolie and now they're being run in W magazine's "Art Issue." Cause Brad Pitt is a great artist, don't you know. Maybe he takes nice pictures - I don't know. He sure can't act. He's pretty good at knocking his woman up too. I'm sorry, but I don't know why it's necessary for the media to give these people any more exposure than they already get. Aren't they worshipped enough?

It Finally Happened

It's true kids - you can actually break your arm patting yourself on the back. You can also get shot in the face and die. Let's hope Doody next demonstrates that one.

Smell Test

Britney Spears terrifies shoppers by randomly walking up to them and sniffing them. "You smell like poor people y'all. Hi I'm Britney Spears. At least that's what they tell me. Have a flavored condom. I like the cherry ones best. They're kinda tough chewin' though."

Thrifty Dyke

Samantha Ronson is said to be disturbed at Lindsay Lohan's shopping habits. The dyke DJ thinks Lindsay spends too much money on frivolous stuff, and now Lindsay has taken to hiding proof of her purchases from her crusty girlfriend. Ronson's thrifty ways have nothing to do with lack of income by the way - the bitch reportedly makes up to $300,000 a month as a DJ. Fuck me. $300,000 a month for that nonsense? I'm in the wrong line of work.

Lemme Guess - He Spontaneously Combusted

Grizzled actor Nick Nolte got a scare last night when his Malibu home caught fire and he had to break a window and flee. There are conflicting reports as to the damage - some sources say the whole joint burned down, others say there was only minor scorching. One thing everyone can agree on is that Nick Nolte is lucky he didn't end up like Travis Barker or DJ AM or, worse, David Koresh. Gotta be careful when you're freebasing, Nick. Did you learn nothing from Richard Pryor?

Jill Tall Cool One

I have to confess - I plumb forgot about the presidential debate last night. I was reading some Michio Kaku and became so engrossed in hyperspace and metric tensors that all this earthly bullshit just sort of melted away and I put my jammies on and went to bed all blissful and fizzy in the brain. Of course, while I slept the sleep of the contented, the world was digesting what went on between John McCain and Barack Obama at their townhall bullshit fest, moderated by the mumbling Greatest Generalizer Tom Brokaw (it would've been Russert's gig but he couldn't lay off the sausages). The consensus is apparently that neither candidate won but McCain looked old and got bitchy a couple of times while Barack retained his usual air of elegant superiority (or smug aloofness depending on who you ask). I don't know what difference it makes now anyway - Obama is going to win for sure. The McCain camp signaled their resignation to this by having Palin whip out the William Ayers bullshit, a last-ditch attempt at painting Obama as an un-American charlatan with a devious plan to subvert the country from within. It's over.

Nobody really cares about Mummy-Arms and Juggy anymore anyway - it's all about Sarah Palin, the winking Republican wet-dream. Palin has a higher Q rating than either of the presidential candidates and why not? She's spunky and cute and has a nice rack. She's warmer and fuzzier than McCain and not all condescending and elitist and shady like Barack Hussein Obama. She won her debate with Joe Biden, some think, just by having the guts to show up - and what's a more important presidential qualification than intestinal fortitude? That's what you need to stare down that evil bastard Putin when he rears his head - cojones. And lipstick (or just tattoo that shit on if you don't want to bother with pesky cosmetics).

Of course Palin's biggest advantage is her small-town authenticity - she reminded us of this, so very subtly, by watching last night's debate from a tavern. Jill Tall Cool One hangs with the Joe Six Packs in North Carolina. Does anyone really buy this shit? That Sarah Palin is just like us - despite the designer frames and the elaborate coif? I don't know about you, but I've never found myself embroiled in an ethics investigation centered around my attempt to fire a guy who fucked around on my sister. I've yet to shake hands with Hamid Karzai or be chatted up by Asif Ali Zardari the president of Pakistan. Not once in my admittedly humble existence have I stood in front of a church congregation and been chanted over by an African witch-doctor. Nope, sorry - Sarah Palin isn't just like me, and she isn't just like you. She can hoist as many brews at as many watering holes as she likes and she'll still be a hyper-ambitious, vindictive, duplicitous, arrogant intellectual lightweight who bullied and blow-jobbed her way to the top. Fuck - she should have gotten into acting. She would've fit right in.

Oh wait - you need talent. Never mind.

(Thanks Alicia)

Too Damn Hot

George Clooney transforms himself into Dennis Farina. I like it. It's hot. Wrong, but hot. Wait...what's he doing with Jennifer Garner's kid?

Grab Ass

Woah, check out Maddox reaching for a little feel of that bony projection Angie calls a butt. He just recently learned what "adopted" really means. Yeah kid - technically, you can tap that all you want. Just bump off the big doofus in the hat and go to town.

Churning Them Out

Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again according to the National Enquirer, and she and mother Lynne are reportedly hysterical. "Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out," a source said. Jamie Lynn apparently believed she couldn't get pregnant while she was breast-feeding. At least that's what the guy told her. "You know I hate those nasty rubbery things, Jamie Lynn." I refer to the father as "that guy" because no one yet knows who it is. It very likely isn't the pipe-layer kid but another random dick. Perhaps a guy who does drywall or drives a forklift. Jamie Lynn's friends are reportedly urging her to get an abortion, but that would of course mean eternal damnation for Jamie Lynn who is looking forward to heaven after a life lived mostly in Louisiana.

Shitfaced

Posh and Becks have a secret treatment for battling facial blemishes - bird shit. Victoria discovered the paste, derived from nightingale poo, while in Japan, and began using it to combat her famous acne - and somewhere along the line David tried it too and decided he liked it. Bird shit does have its limits though. It can't wipe the permanently sour expression off your face nor can it cure you of a homosexual fixation on Tom Cruise.

Be Careful Bro

The dude with the wedding ring is supposedly Anne Hathaway's new mystery man. I don't know anything about it except that I hope for his sake it's just a rumor. That bitch is soulless and were I a heterosexual male I wouldn't want anything to do with her beyond a one-nighter. Did you see what she did to Follieri on Saturday Night Live? Okay, so it's a woman's right to trash her ex after her ex turns out to be a con-artist snake who nearly ruined her reputation. But damn. To do it on live television? Chick has a lump of coal for a heart.

At Least Somebody Likes Her

Avril Lavigne donated some extra clothes to some disabled Chinese children (Sharon Stone sternly disapproves) and the China Association of Social Workers gave her an award for her outstanding work. They've also apparently been feeding her well. Now she's not just an insufferable bitch, she's a fat, insufferable bitch. And Canadian, which only makes it worse.

The Skinny on Love

Courtney Love's new rocking bod (gag) is the result of a gastric band she had inserted by a quack surgeon two years ago. "Courtney keeps laughing to her friends and saying, ‘Everyone thinks I've had hypnosis but why bother with all that effort? All I did was check myself in and have a fat band fitted'," a source said.

"Courtney has always had problems with her appearance and is convinced she is ugly and fat. Two years ago she had a gastric band fitted at a surgery in Beverly Hills.

"Lots of doctors refused to do it as she was nowhere near obese, just a little overweight, but eventually she found one.

"And as soon as she had the operation the excess weight started to drop off her. Now she is just skin and bones and looks terrible."

I always assumed she was just on crack. Honestly, she thinks she looks better like that? I've seen emaciated corpses that had more sex appeal. Madonna looks like a beauty queen compared to this freak.

No, It's Brad Pitt

You might be forgiven for thinking this was Leonardo DiCaprio - but the hat gives away that it's Brad Pitt. The picture on the notebook is Barack Obama. Brad is carefully studying one side of the presidential race so he can make an informed decision come November. Angelina still hasn't made up her mind between Juggy and Mummy-Arms (I like it better than Crip-Arms). A buck says she ends up writing in herself.

Over-Exposed

Tina Fey's Palin impression is pretty funny but I fear Ms. Fey is on her way to being over-exposed. The hipster geek thing is a decent bit but I don't know how much farther she can go on it. And McCain's going to lose so Palin won't be any good beyond November. Maybe she could star in a female remake of Scarface.

Ragamuffins

Angelina dresses the kids like little ragamuffins - check out Pax especially - but the whole thing reeks of over-studied phoniness. If they were real ragamuffins they wouldn't be nearly so color-coordinated. And the way Shiloh's pants are rolled up. Trying too hard.

Unfortunate

Jessica Alba's baby is...I don't want to say anything bad about an innocent infant but damn, that is one unattractive child. I keep expecting it to start talking about its dog Checkers. Is that a human kid or some kind of puffer fish?

Not in His Underwear

Justin Gaston sings with Miley Cyrus's older sister Whogivesashit at Miley's elaborate Sweet 16 celebration. Dude's gay, end of story. By the way...what the fuck kind of shit goes on in Miley's head for her to end up in poses like this when she's on-stage?


Maybe she's angling for that big Dulcolax endorsement deal.