A Tad Creepy

I'm not ready to go over the rainbow with outrage over this Obama kiddie chorus video like some people, but I have to admit - it's a tad unsettling. I guess I sort of get what they were going for - the whole children are our future bit - but I don't know. Can't we just leave that kind of crap out of it? Can't we keep this on the level of grown-ups hashing things out? It's only a little creepy but it's very, very manipulative. And schmaltzy. It's just kind of tasteless and I wish politics didn't have to become about crap like this. Unfortunately, when you peel back the (very thin) veil, Obama is not the difference-maker people want him to be. He's a dude in a suit who wants to be president real bad. He's still better than McCain or god forbid Palin but fuck me...I may end up voting for Nader or Bob Barr after all.

If a Celeb Adopts a Kid and No One's There to Report it...

Andy Dick look-alike Joely Fisher has jumped on the kid-adopting bandwagon by snatching herself an African-American orphan. "Joely and [husband] Chris [Duddy] were inspired by Angelina [Jolie] and Madonna's decisions to adopt a baby from Africa, but, after looking into the adoption process, they realised there were so many children in the Los Angeles area who needed homes." Great. And in a year Joely and Chris will be fighting each other for custody like the kid was a house or some silverware.

Hi John

Who needs a dating service when you have a bikini and a bunch of paps? Jennifer's ass doesn't have to worry about being shot when it goes hunting.

You Know it's True

Christina Aguilera's son Max looks like a Mongoloid. It's not meanness - he just does. Clearly this bitch was taking all kinds of drugs when she was pregnant. She should have to spend a month locked up in the puppy mansion with Paris Hilton's dogs.

Rich Brats

Remember the car you learned to drive in? For me it was a rusty old station wagon with wood paneling down the sides. If you're a Jonas Brother? You learn to drive in a shiny Mustang. At least we don't have to worry about him soiling the backseat with his love-ick while trying to stick it in some Disney ho. Jonas Brothers are too pure for that kind of shit.

Good News for Lesbians

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are denying rumors that they've rekindled their romance. Lesbos are so happy to hear this. They want Sarah for their side really bad. It's not enough to have Anne Hathaway, who apparently likes getting it in the ass with strap-ons.

Sell Out

Clay Aiken reportedly received $500,000 to admit his gayness to People magazine. A Crabbie exclusive: Someone also offered Rosie O'Donnell a jelly doughnut to admit she's a fat loud-mouth. Another magazine gave Sarah Palin a foot massage in exchange for her admission that she doesn't know jack shit and the whole vice president thing is a gigantic put-on.

For another $500,000, would Clay also admit he's a tremendous asshole?

Move Over Keira

Welsh chanteuse Duffy admits she's having a hard time adjusting to the attention that comes with having a hit record. "As a girl I thought I was superhuman... but I'm borderline on a breakdown," Duffy says. "The scary thing is that this feels like the beginning. It would be easy to become a recluse... I have sold my soul."

Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine Duffster. Just follow Keira Knightley's lead. Claim you despise fame, then sign huge contracts to have your picture taken for billboards and magazine advertisements. Then do tons of interviews where you spill your guts about every tiny detail of your life...including the fact that you hate having no privacy. Then stop eating entirely and become so consumed with rage that no one around you can stand you and people in the business start rooting for you to fall on your face. Then do the one thing Keira hasn't done yet but we wish she would do: Die.

Or I suppose you could just beg for mercy (yeah yeah yeah).

So Things Are Going Well Then

Ali Lohan may be a big star one day but for right now the best she can swing is a part in a direct-to-DVD R.L. Stine movie co-starring Miley Cyrus's sister. I think Ali may also have designed the artwork for the cover. What emotion is she trying to convey in that particular shot? Slight digestive discomfort? It doesn't bode well for your acting career when your pre-pubescent co-stars appear to be out-performing you on the DVD cover. The dude on the right totally banged her.

(Note: I thought Noah was Miley's brother. Who the fuck names a girl Noah?)

AM Out

DJ AM attended a memorial service for Chris Baker, the Travis Barker lackey who was killed in the plane crash that also left Barker and AM severely burned. Yeah I know I'm mean if I say anything about this story except "pray for them and their families and their pets and the ringworms that live in their guts." Just one little one though?

DJ's head was burned off and replaced with the head of Christopher Guest. That's not so bad right?

Dumb-Ass of the Week

Sarah Palin is definitely a dumb-ass. But is she as dumb as...

This guy?

Or how about this unbelievable dipshit?

This crap is not only stupid, it's hubristic.

And then there's this guy...he's just plain nasty.

Flippering Out

This just gave Jennifer Aniston an idea...

Keep it in the Bedroom Freaks

Jermaine Dupri had too much champagne and tequila while celebrating his birthday at club Tenjune and blew chunks into wife Janet Jackson's lap. Janet was reportedly so embarrassed at her husband's reverse peristalsis that she got up and ran like Michael with his hair on fire. I'm sure this wasn't the first time Jermaine has vomited on Janet, but it was the first time it happened by accident and in public. And it usually goes in her mouth instead of her lap.

That's So 2007

Heather Locklear was busted for DUI in Montecito, California on Saturday after being pulled over for erratic driving. The former person of minor importance was apparently high on prescription meds at the time. Poor Heather...doesn't she know getting pulled over for DUI is totally out? If you want attention now you have to either go lesbian or attack Sarah Palin. Was Heather wearing bloomers when she was pulled over?

She'll Keep Her Panties On, Thanks Very Much

Jeremy Piven's charms may work on most women but not on Hayden Panettiere. The Star says Piven tried using his moves on the midget TV starlet but only succeeded in skeezing her out. "He was trying to be charming and kept saying he ‘wanted to show her around town,'" says a source. "But Hayden soon excused herself and escaped." Hayden is known for liking older men but apparently 43 is a little too old even for her. Maybe he should've wowed her by reciting some of his credits. "I was the loser check-out guy in Say Anything. Want to see my cock-ring? You're pretty in a weird, not-that-pretty sort of way. I have this horrible disease and it can only be cured by stroking your ass. Yes, your ass specifically..."

Get Lost Freak

Adnan Ghalib has popped his head up from his spider hole to announce that he has a sex tape starring himself and ex-hostage Britney Spears. "There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries," the scummy pap said. "Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further." Sources say the tape was made in Mexico and features Britney in the buff with that famous pink wig perched on her empty head. Just when she thinks she's out...they pull her back in.

If Adnan can't get some tabloid to buy the tape, he can always sell it at Alli Sims's flea market stand.

Now They're His and His Alone

The big news over the weekend was Scarlett Johansson marrying Ryan Reynolds. Like every other star, the two were hitched at a small, private ceremony. Unlike most other stars, they had to pry a weeping Woody Allen off the car before they could drive off to begin the honeymoon. What's a honeymoon for a pair of movie stars by the way? Do they rent out a football stadium somewhere and hire whole planeloads of hookers for a huge orgy and fly in piles of drugs and gallons of booze? "I want these memories to last a lifetime, or at least until they invent brain-colonics and I can just forget every stupid thing I've ever done." I could've sworn Scarlett said humans weren't monogamous by nature. Yeah - Ryan's got a nice road ahead of him.

Baby Talk

Jennifer Garner with her new baby (I must've missed the birth announcement). Kid looks a little fat if you ask me, and the color...that can't be normal (unless the father is an Oompa Loompa). And I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to hold a kid unless your name is Britney Spears. Gosh, it's so adorable though. Congratulations Jen!

Palin Skewered

Fey and Poehler continue their evisceration of Palin. Some of that dialogue is verbatim from Palin's actual interview with Katie Couric. You truly can't make up how dumb Palin is.

Madness

If the above video doesn't disturb you or at least bother you a little then I don't wanna know you. Don't move into my neighborhood. Stay as far away from me as possible. These people are insane, pure and simple. And save your accusations of religious bigotry - I don't care to hear them. I know nuts when I see them, and nuts belong locked up. Eternal shame on John McCain for plucking this maniac Sarah Palin from obscurity and forcing us to deal with her. Country first? No - McCain just wants to be president. He doesn't care how he gets there. He doesn't care if winning means setting his supposedly beloved nation on a road toward final destruction at the hands of a bunch of rapture-embracing crackpots who think dinosaurs and humans lived at the same time. No lie - Sarah Palin really believes that. She learned her history by watching The Flintstones.

R.I.P. Paul Newman

Paul Newman has died after a long bout with cancer. Nothing shocking here - it became obvious a few months ago that he was done for. He had long since ceased being a working actor and passed into the realm of the legend who had somehow outlived himself. The mind struggled to connect the frail old man with the incredibly virile, beautiful, talented blue-eyed cinema god. Now it doesn't have to try.

It's hard picking out a single greatest Newman performance but Cool Hand Luke is a good place to start. The most famous scene is probably this one - "I can eat 50 eggs."

Of course there was Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - and The Hustler. And then he aged magnificently into roles like the washed-up lawyer in The Verdict and the washed-up pool shark in The Color of Money and the crusty old father in Nobody's Fool. He's mostly associated with these performances and that late-50s/60s Method era where he played Billy the Kid in The Left-Handed Gun and the sick-hot degenerate fucker in The Long Hot Summer (his first movie co-starring alongside Joanne Woodward) - but he was old enough to have starred in straight Hollywood schmaltz like The Silver Chalice too. And of course he was Butch Cassidy...and always will be, no matter who else plays him.

Snoozer

The debate was by-and-large a snoozer - an utterly predictable result given that we're dealing with a pair of politicians who've been drilled and rehearsed more ferociously than a kiddie beauty pageant contestant. The best you can say is that Juggy scored more style points than Crip-Arms - Obama is a much more fluid and graceful shit-shoveler than McCain who occasionally gives one the impression that he actually thinks this nonsense might be beneath him. Of course the lefty media is claiming Obama won the thing - they say McCain blinked a lot and looked grouchy and "troll-like" (is he an Olsen twin?) and that Obama stood up well against McCain's efforts to make him seem like a green rookie. They say McCain didn't look at Obama enough. Did they want him to make go-go eyes at him the way they all do?

The debate dealt largely with economic issues, at least during the part at the beginning when I was still paying attention. Jim Lehrer - he's still alive - got the candidates to talk about the bail-out deal being cooked up in Congress and their overall feelings about the economy. Both nominees think things are bad, and think the other guy's party is responsible. They argued a little about whether taxes should be raised or lowered or left alone. Where would politicians be without the issue of taxes? Things got contentious when the conversation drifted into Iraq and McCain accused Obama of not knowing the difference between strategy and tactics. I hate to break the news to Gimpy, but trying to make Obama look stupid is not going to work. Juggy may be the darling of the cool people but he himself is an uber-geek. If there's something he doesn't know, he's going to learn it, and be ready if it comes up. That right there is reason enough to favor him, especially after 8 years of George "Ain't Big on Book-Learnin'" Bush.

In the end it doesn't really matter what anyone said of course - the experts will spend the next few days ignoring substance and focusing on style. The McCain blinking thing will get a lot of play, especially from the comedians - Darrell Hammond is probably in front of his mirror right now practicing. I don't know what McCain is supposed to do about something like that though. Botox his eyelids? It's not his fault he's a twitching, angry mess - blame the gooks for that one.

And what is some would-be impressionist supposed to do with Obama? What's his hook? With Reagan you had the head-bob, with George #1 the prissy voice, with Clinton the lip bite, Bush #2 the smirk and the dipshit laugh and the squint and a thousand other hilarious psychotic tics. Obama's hook is...he doesn't have a hook. He's blander than an unbuttered noodle. But he's not a droning Frankenstein like John Kerry or a condescending twat like Al Gore. He's calm and patient and above all he doesn't blink too much. He doesn't seem like he's about to start grinding his teeth. He seems ready to pop open a malt liquor and put on some Al Green. He should be wearing a smoking jacket out there. He should have one hand in his pocket and a broad hanging off him (at least then he'd be interesting).

As to whether either of these men is qualified to steer the ship of state through the dangerous reef of the modern world...frankly, I don't think there's any such thing as a man who's "qualified" to have as much power as the U.S. President. Ron Paul is the only presidential candidate I've ever heard who said he was willing to cede power back to the Congress and the states where it belongs...and he's an anti-evolutionist crackpot. Apparently, being a serious Presidential candidate means supporting the continued perversion of the Founding Fathers' design of checks-and-balances. Presidents shouldn't be chosen for their inspirational qualities or grand visions or soaring characters though - they should be picked because they're qualified to hold down an executive office. That's a subject that ought to be raised in a debate, and the candidates' answers would be very intriguing indeed. Unfortunately, nobody ever addresses those deeper philosophical issues. Everyone's looking for sound-bites, both the candidates and the people asking the questions. Want real substance? Don't bother looking to either of these programmed schmos.

Imported Fat, Unfunny White Guys

Ricky Gervais is being auditioned to host next year's Oscars. The British comic and TV star received initial attention from the show's producers after being slightly less hideous than everyone else during the recent dreadful Emmys broadcast. What will be different about the Oscars if Gervais hosts them? The bad political jokes will be delivered with an English accent. There will be even more sweat to mop from the floor than usual. It will be even gayer than when Billy Crystal was host.

Family Issues

Lindsay Lohan is so afraid of her wacked-out father that she's reportedly getting a protection order taken out. Page 6 says Dina and Ali have already gotten similar orders - but what about little Trig or Puck or whatever the boy's name is? No one cares what happens to him because he's not famous. He's the "normal" Lohan. Well, someone has to be. Frankly, if anyone needs protection against Michael, it's Samantha Ronson. He doesn't like her. There could be some kind of knife-fight in an alley over this. My money's on Ronson - she's younger and quicker and you know she's cut her share of people in the past.

Someone Forgot to Tell the Cops it Was No Big Deal

Hayden Panettiere's father Harvey (I don't know if that's his name) has been charged with misdemeanor battery over a well-publicized incident earlier this year. Hayden herself tried to dismiss the thing as no big deal but apparently the cops don't agree. Harvey faces up to a year in jail if found guilty. I'm sure Hayden would be just distraught if her old man had to go in the slammer. She'd probably even fake a tear for the cameras.

Daily Fit

A normal night for Wino. Those pants apparently began the night complete but Amy hacked them up with something sharp. I'm guessing she didn't bother taking them off first. This is why she's a fashion icon.

What a Girl

Brad Pitt has a beauty regimen that would put even Jennifer Lopez to shame. The Enquirer says Pitt, "steams his face twice a week, meticulously clips his goatee daily and plucks his own eyebrows." He "goes through an intense ritual of cleansing, exfoliating and toning his face with all sorts of balms and creams…One a week, [he] lubes up his hands and feet with olive oil-based creams to keep his skin supple and wrinkle-free. He even wears gloves and socks to bed to make sure the cream works while he’s sleeping." The article claims Brad takes an hour every night getting ready for bed, which drives Angelina nuts because she herself only brushes her teeth and washes the crust off her face. This story does not shock me one bit and yes I believe every effing word of it.

What's Missing From this Picture?

Natalie Portman...without her filthy boyfriend Devendra Banhart. Reports say Natalie and Devendra broke up because they "needed some space." More like "Natalie needed to fill her lungs with air that didn't reek of opium, hippie sweat and hummus farts."

Owned

Chris Kattan will have to give up a "low-six figure sum" as part of his settlement with Sunshine Tutt, the model he was married to for exactly 59 days. TMZ says Tutt was set to receive less than $10,000 per the original prenup but this was renegotiated upward. Yeah? What was that negotiation like? "My client would like to inform Mr. Kattan that she took pictures of his pathetic little penis while he was asleep and is prepared to release these to the public unless her demands are met." What kind of fucking putz allows himself to be owned like this? If Kattan had a pair he would've bumped off Sunshine himself or hired someone to do it. Even a hitman doesn't cost $100,000 (if you have a coupon or take advantage of a "Kill your ex, get one relative free" deal).

Is She About to Eat That Kid?

This poster for Angelina's movie Changeling is a little creepy. She looks like she's about to make that kid into a snack. "To find her son, she did what no one else dared." What? Look under the couch?

Wouldn't Shock Me

The nuts are claiming Joe Biden is set to step down as Barack Obama's running mate so Hillary Clinton can slide in and take the position she should've been given in the first place. The rumors say "health reasons" will be cited as causing Biden's withdrawal, when the truth is that Obama's people are afraid of the Palin factor, and are almost equally terrified the loose-lipped Biden will say something so horrific it will derail the whole campaign. It saddens me that someone like Joe Biden who I think is a fantastic, honest and smart guy is seen as a liability when a complete empty dress like Palin is viewed as a positive. I honestly don't think the Democrats should be that worried about her though. Even most Republican drones, once they start listening to her, will have to realize how stupid she is. And maybe then it will dawn on them how insulted they should feel at being made to swallow such a load of bullshit in the first place.

So Little to Ask...

Paul McCartney lights a candle at the Church of the Nativity as part of his visit to the Holy Land. "Dear Lord, please bring peace to the Middle East and love and understanding between all peoples. And give that one-legged bitch the worst case of boils in the whole fucking history of the known universe."

She Can't Let Go

Lonely wreck Jennifer Aniston is trying her damndest to get John Mayer back. "Jennifer reached out to John first," a source told The Daily Mail. "She had a few glasses of wine - then decided to throw caution to the wind and make the first move. John was pleasantly surprised to hear from her. He says they’ve been in contact pretty much every day since and he’s really looking forward to seeing her again soon.

Another source said Aniston has been a complete mess since Mayer dumped her. "Jennifer's friends are worried. She’s had a really tough time since the break-up and the more time goes on, she realises how much John still means to her. Basically, she’s still in love with him and has had a really tough time letting go."

The report claims Mayer dumped Aniston because she was partying too much and when she drinks she gets even more clingy and insane. "Jen just needs to be careful about not being so needy and vulnerable when it comes to men. Unfortunately partying tends to bring that side out of her and she’s a lot more appealing to John when she parties less."

Told you he dumped her because she was clingy. God, did I call it or what? And now she's obsessed with Mayer like she still is with Pitt. Christ, just get a dog you pitiful bitch. Eh, the dog would probably just run away too.

Can't Hack It

The above purports to show Lindsay Lohan losing her shit halfway through a photoshoot. Star says Lohan is boozing and snorting coke again and everyone in her life is fearful she is going to crash. What's that "again" shit. Earth to idiots: She never stopped. Honestly, you thought she was eating Sam Ronson's tuna while sober? No one in the history of earth has ever put their face anywhere near Ronson's crotch without being totally bombed on something. Lohan tried pre-emptively shooting down the Star story, saying "Star magazine is going to publish another ridiculous story about me - then again it’s not like their track record is up there with the New Tork Times." No sweetie. And it's not like yours is right up there with Kate Hepburn's.

Not Feelin' It

Charlize Theron took time out from flogging her dreadful looking moving The Battle in Seattle to randomly attack MTV's absurd faux-reality show The Hills. "I realized that this fucking show is huge," Charlize said. "Now I'm going to ask you a question: Why? Why is it so big? It's about nothing! This is a free country. Freedom of speech! You can tell me right now to my face that Reindeer Games was a piece of shit. That's totally fine.

"But The Hills is about nothing. I think the girls are beautiful and when they cry their mascara runs and that's real, but I don't get it! [Pause.] I am a nana. I'll just take it. I am a nana. Maybe I need to watch the shows some more."

Actually, I'd rather tell you Aeon Flux, North Country and The Legend of Bagger Vance were pieces of shit. And The Cider House Rules. And The Astronaut's Wife. And that thing with Keanu Reeves where you were Sandy Dennis. Yeah, and Reindeer Games and that unholy disaster with you and Courtney Love. Jesus, you've made a lot of bad movies Cha Cha. But we love you anyway and you know why? You're crazy but you're not stupid. You're like Sharon Stone before she went completely off the rails and started insulting Chinese people and waving her cooch in her own adopted son's face. A smart person can't survive in Hollywood without being utterly bonkers...and smoking tons of pot. So no, don't bother watching The Hills anymore - you got the gist.

Not Gwen Stefani

Britney in a black wig. She had a new album coming out or something and now it's delayed or...fuck I don't know. I wish she'd go back to smacking things with umbrellas and having huge flame-outs ending in threats of Tylenol suicide. The day she found out Chanel dresses weren't for wiping up dog poo was a sad one indeed.

Overdoing It

We get it - you're lesbians.

Martha's Dream

This is the dick Martha Stewart would wish to have were she male. What's with the zig-zagging mustard? Who the fuck takes the trouble to put a perfect trail of zig-zagging mustard down their absurdly long hot dog? That guy in the background - his other job is chiseling the grit from the folds in Martha's back. She pays him in beads that he then uses to trade for cigarettes with the slaves who work day and night extracting the sheep-bile that's used to produce the special potion Martha drinks to keep from turning back into a shit-smelling ogre.

Off to the Park Bench

Brad Pitt continues his transformation into a creepy old guy you wouldn't want around your kids. Poor guy's brain is totally warped now. And his dick has shrunk to the size of a raisin.

Things We Need Like a Hole in the Head

Johnny Depp has signed on to return as swishy pirate Jack Sparrow in a fourth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. This despite the fact that not a single sane person on the face of the earth who doesn't stand to benefit financially from such a film wants there to be a fourth installment in that particular franchise. The first Pirates: Mildly amusing big-budget nonsense. The second Pirates: Mildly amusing big-budget nonsense degenerating into clattering self-indulgence. The third Pirates: Clattering self-indulgence degenerating into mindless incoherence and CGI overkill. What will the fourth Pirates be? Maybe they shouldn't even bother with the movie and just have people line up to be kicked in the face. By the way, Keira Knightley has already said she won't do another one of these no matter how much money they offer her. Even dumb twats can sometimes show common sense. Johnny? Hard to say...

He Won't Shut Up

Michael Lohan's plan to win back Lindsay's heart has gone completely down the crapper and it's all the fault of his big fat mouth. Actually, it's his big fat typing fingers, which keep hammering out emails like the following, which he sent to X17:

After spending a week in LA, doing charity work and meeting people who want to make positive difference in other peoples lives, only to hear what some of these very people have to say about Samantha Ronson I was sickened. But, then to read the recent article in In Touch magazine, which only corroborated what I heard, I am compelled to state my concerns about the effect Samantha is having on my daughter.

First, it was me for speaking out against Samantha after I was in a deep conversation with Lindsay, only to have Samantha in the background enticing Lindsay to get off the phone with me.. Then my own ex-wife expressed such sincere concern that I felt we had to intervene. Now, Joe Francis is attacked for speaking out about Samantha, when he too cares about Lindsay and is concerned about Samantha’s effect on Lindsay.

Joe Francis is a good person and even a better businessman. He wasn’t a bad guy when he flew Lindsay around on his jet, opened the doors top his home or tried to help, was he? Of course not because Samantha wasn’t around. Sounds familiar with regard to me as well !!!!

There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye! Not that what we see is soooo pleasing anyway! I mean, what’s with this …."person"??? Look at the way she “dresses”? Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words! Personally, I think she is dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity!

Have you ever seen her apartment? For God’s sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this first hand).

I heard and know more about Samantha than you can imagine. Yet, while I haven’t exposed her, I know that God will. He will weed her out of Lindsay’s life and at that time, you will finally see Lindsay back in the place in her heart and mind that God wants and she belongs. Hopefully, without Samantha causing more damage than she already has.

Did he seriously just cite Joe Francis as his notion of a solid person? That right there sapped whatever credibility he may have had. Lindsay would be better off in the company of Ted Bundy and Jack the Ripper than Joe Francis...or her father for that matter. Of course, I still think Sam Ronson is a hideous leech but whatever...Lohan's an adult now and needs to step in her own shitpiles and learn to wipe the stuff from her own shoe. Thankfully she's not afraid to tell her father where to stuff it, as evidenced by the email she sent Page 6:

My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it's dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren't speaking.

I am in a great place in life. I have overcome a lot and have been able to learn how to enjoy and appreciate my life in every way possible. I'm proud of myself for being able to make a change in the past year and a half.

My past is behind me, and that's final. There's nothing more to be said. All the false accusations that people try to make are simply because there's no story when things are calm and good.

But they might as well let it go because their lies don't affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she's a wonderful girl.

She loves me, as I do her.

Clearly, Samantha wrote that for her. But I'm sure the spirit of it is true to what Lindsay honestly believes in her wounded little heart. She is a sad confused person who can't distinguish between exploitation and love, and Michael and Dina made her that way.

I've Grown Accustomed to Your Face...and Now I Want to Punch It

Brad Pitt and George Clooney have had a falling out over their mutual desire to play Henry Higgins in an upcoming remake of My Fair Lady. "We both badly want [the] role and neither is backing down," OK! quotes Clooney as saying. "It's sort of become an intense competition between us now and it just keeps escalating." Really? Over Henry Higgins? What, they figure the part will nab them an Oscar the way it did for Rex Harrison? And they both need that validation so badly they're willing to throw away a perfectly good gay relationship over it? I guess we're seeing their true colors shining through - and they ain't beautiful like no rainbow.

Booger-Encrusted Hooker-Top Anyone?

Alli Sims dropped completely off the map after being booted from Britney Spears' crazy train, and is now apparently broke. According to Crazy Days and Nights, the former professional hanger-on has resorted to setting up a stand at a flea market so she can sell swag she accumulated during her months as a leech. Didn't she have an album coming out? On her website it says she'll be putting up samples of her music "in the future." Only if she sells enough hoarded gift-bag shit to keep up with the server costs.

Changed Man

Nick Hogan will be released from county lock-up in Florida next month after serving five months of an eight month sentence for rendering his friend John Graziano a vegetable via car-wreck. The first thing Nick will do is get behind the wheel of some hot-rod and start tear-assing up and down the streets like nothing ever happened. The second thing he'll do is go on some assface TV show and talk about how he's changed and the Lord sent him this trial to make a better man of him. The third thing he'll do is ring up Brooke so they can get their incestuous freak on. Whoever thinks this kid's brain-killing days are over is a fool.

Shocking Revelation

Clay Aiken has shocked the world by revealing he is a complete media whore. "Yes, I'm desperate for attention," Aiken says in the new issue of People. And what's behind the American Idol loser's new-found honesty? The baby he recently fathered with his friend, record producer Jaymes Foster. "I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things," Aiken explains. Very brave of him. Oh by the way, he's also gay. And an asshat.

Life Can Exist Almost Anywhere

Revolting porn star Jenna Jameson has announced she is pregnant with twins. Twin babies. Little beings that are growing inside her womb. David Attenborough should do a special about the pregnancy - The Tenacity of Life. "If life can exist in a place so hostile, surely it can exist anywhere. Truly, creation is a wondrous thing. And so are breasts. My goodness, look at those. I haven't been this hard since Vanessa Redgrave came onto me at that dinner party. We're not rolling are we? Oh dear, I'm afraid I've made a mess of myself. Marvelous. Simply marvelous."

Winning Converts

An Emmy after-party, Lindsay Lohan and Hayden Panettiere. Lindsay's even starting to dress like Ronson now. Panty is the girlie one in this duo. But it's not a duo! Don't get nervous Milo. But I'm sure if Panty did go lez she'd let you watch or something.

Inappropriate Sexual Atmosphere

Sharon Stone's ex-husband Phil Bronstein has been awarded sole physical custody of their adopted 8-year-old son Roan. According to sources, Bronstein was concerned about Sharon's party lifestyle and the "inappropriate sexual atmosphere" that often pervaded her digs when the boy was around. Phil's lawyers did a good enough job of convincing the judge and now he has the boy until circumstances warrant a modification. Inappropriate sexual atmosphere? What, Sharon likes flashing beav in front of the kid too? Well what do you want? It's the only thing she's ever been known for. You don't expect Don Rickles not to tell jokes do you? You wouldn't ask David Copperfield not to do magic tricks? Sharon got hosed. Thankfully she still has custody of her other two adopted kids Pax and Zahara.

Someone Might Want to Step In About Now...

Taylor Momsen is 15 and has a body like Madonna. And that ain't a good thing. Are those breast implants? This kid would be better off with Lynne Spears as a mom, seriously.

You Gotta Have Faith - And Lots of Crack

George Michael looking like some kind of cracked-out spider monkey. No George, I do not want your sex.

Nourish This

Gwyneth Paltrow has launched a new website called Goop.com. The site's purpose, according to the landing page, is to "Nourish the inner aspect." Little icons across the top of this page seem to promise various experiences but they all lead to the same text, written by Paltrow or someone claiming to be Paltrow. I now share with you the wisdom reflected here:

My life is good because I am not passive about it. I want to nourish what is real, and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel, to cook, to eat, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard. I love being a mother who has to overcome my bad qualities to be a good mother. I love being in spaces that are clean and nice.

Over the years, I have tried lots of different things. I have made lots of mistakes. But I have figured some things out in the process and I would like to share them with you. Whether you want a good place to eat in London, some advice on where to stay in Austin, the recipe I made up this week, or some thoughts from one of my sages, GOOP is a little bit of everything that makes up my life.

Make your life good. Invest in what's real. Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Clean out your space. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you've never been to. Learn something new. Don't be lazy. Workout and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great.

And you needed to start a whole website for this? You could've just opened a Twitter account. No one cares anyway, fake-Limey bitch.