A Tad Creepy

I'm not ready to go over the rainbow with outrage over this Obama kiddie chorus video like some people, but I have to admit - it's a tad unsettling. I guess I sort of get what they were going for - the whole children are our future bit - but I don't know. Can't we just leave that kind of crap out of it? Can't we keep this on the level of grown-ups hashing things out? It's only a little creepy but it's very, very manipulative. And schmaltzy. It's just kind of tasteless and I wish politics didn't have to become about crap like this. Unfortunately, when you peel back the (very thin) veil, Obama is not the difference-maker people want him to be. He's a dude in a suit who wants to be president real bad. He's still better than McCain or god forbid Palin but fuck me...I may end up voting for Nader or Bob Barr after all.

If a Celeb Adopts a Kid and No One's There to Report it...

Andy Dick look-alike Joely Fisher has jumped on the kid-adopting bandwagon by snatching herself an African-American orphan. "Joely and [husband] Chris [Duddy] were inspired by Angelina [Jolie] and Madonna's decisions to adopt a baby from Africa, but, after looking into the adoption process, they realised there were so many children in the Los Angeles area who needed homes." Great. And in a year Joely and Chris will be fighting each other for custody like the kid was a house or some silverware.

Hi John

Who needs a dating service when you have a bikini and a bunch of paps? Jennifer's ass doesn't have to worry about being shot when it goes hunting.

You Know it's True

Christina Aguilera's son Max looks like a Mongoloid. It's not meanness - he just does. Clearly this bitch was taking all kinds of drugs when she was pregnant. She should have to spend a month locked up in the puppy mansion with Paris Hilton's dogs.

Rich Brats

Remember the car you learned to drive in? For me it was a rusty old station wagon with wood paneling down the sides. If you're a Jonas Brother? You learn to drive in a shiny Mustang. At least we don't have to worry about him soiling the backseat with his love-ick while trying to stick it in some Disney ho. Jonas Brothers are too pure for that kind of shit.

Good News for Lesbians

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are denying rumors that they've rekindled their romance. Lesbos are so happy to hear this. They want Sarah for their side really bad. It's not enough to have Anne Hathaway, who apparently likes getting it in the ass with strap-ons.

Sell Out

Clay Aiken reportedly received $500,000 to admit his gayness to People magazine. A Crabbie exclusive: Someone also offered Rosie O'Donnell a jelly doughnut to admit she's a fat loud-mouth. Another magazine gave Sarah Palin a foot massage in exchange for her admission that she doesn't know jack shit and the whole vice president thing is a gigantic put-on.

For another $500,000, would Clay also admit he's a tremendous asshole?

Move Over Keira

Welsh chanteuse Duffy admits she's having a hard time adjusting to the attention that comes with having a hit record. "As a girl I thought I was superhuman... but I'm borderline on a breakdown," Duffy says. "The scary thing is that this feels like the beginning. It would be easy to become a recluse... I have sold my soul."

Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine Duffster. Just follow Keira Knightley's lead. Claim you despise fame, then sign huge contracts to have your picture taken for billboards and magazine advertisements. Then do tons of interviews where you spill your guts about every tiny detail of your life...including the fact that you hate having no privacy. Then stop eating entirely and become so consumed with rage that no one around you can stand you and people in the business start rooting for you to fall on your face. Then do the one thing Keira hasn't done yet but we wish she would do: Die.

Or I suppose you could just beg for mercy (yeah yeah yeah).

So Things Are Going Well Then

Ali Lohan may be a big star one day but for right now the best she can swing is a part in a direct-to-DVD R.L. Stine movie co-starring Miley Cyrus's sister. I think Ali may also have designed the artwork for the cover. What emotion is she trying to convey in that particular shot? Slight digestive discomfort? It doesn't bode well for your acting career when your pre-pubescent co-stars appear to be out-performing you on the DVD cover. The dude on the right totally banged her.

(Note: I thought Noah was Miley's brother. Who the fuck names a girl Noah?)

AM Out

DJ AM attended a memorial service for Chris Baker, the Travis Barker lackey who was killed in the plane crash that also left Barker and AM severely burned. Yeah I know I'm mean if I say anything about this story except "pray for them and their families and their pets and the ringworms that live in their guts." Just one little one though?

DJ's head was burned off and replaced with the head of Christopher Guest. That's not so bad right?

Dumb-Ass of the Week

Sarah Palin is definitely a dumb-ass. But is she as dumb as...

This guy?

Or how about this unbelievable dipshit?

This crap is not only stupid, it's hubristic.

And then there's this guy...he's just plain nasty.

Flippering Out

This just gave Jennifer Aniston an idea...

Keep it in the Bedroom Freaks

Jermaine Dupri had too much champagne and tequila while celebrating his birthday at club Tenjune and blew chunks into wife Janet Jackson's lap. Janet was reportedly so embarrassed at her husband's reverse peristalsis that she got up and ran like Michael with his hair on fire. I'm sure this wasn't the first time Jermaine has vomited on Janet, but it was the first time it happened by accident and in public. And it usually goes in her mouth instead of her lap.

That's So 2007

Heather Locklear was busted for DUI in Montecito, California on Saturday after being pulled over for erratic driving. The former person of minor importance was apparently high on prescription meds at the time. Poor Heather...doesn't she know getting pulled over for DUI is totally out? If you want attention now you have to either go lesbian or attack Sarah Palin. Was Heather wearing bloomers when she was pulled over?

She'll Keep Her Panties On, Thanks Very Much

Jeremy Piven's charms may work on most women but not on Hayden Panettiere. The Star says Piven tried using his moves on the midget TV starlet but only succeeded in skeezing her out. "He was trying to be charming and kept saying he ‘wanted to show her around town,'" says a source. "But Hayden soon excused herself and escaped." Hayden is known for liking older men but apparently 43 is a little too old even for her. Maybe he should've wowed her by reciting some of his credits. "I was the loser check-out guy in Say Anything. Want to see my cock-ring? You're pretty in a weird, not-that-pretty sort of way. I have this horrible disease and it can only be cured by stroking your ass. Yes, your ass specifically..."

Get Lost Freak

Adnan Ghalib has popped his head up from his spider hole to announce that he has a sex tape starring himself and ex-hostage Britney Spears. "There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries," the scummy pap said. "Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further." Sources say the tape was made in Mexico and features Britney in the buff with that famous pink wig perched on her empty head. Just when she thinks she's out...they pull her back in.

If Adnan can't get some tabloid to buy the tape, he can always sell it at Alli Sims's flea market stand.

Now They're His and His Alone

The big news over the weekend was Scarlett Johansson marrying Ryan Reynolds. Like every other star, the two were hitched at a small, private ceremony. Unlike most other stars, they had to pry a weeping Woody Allen off the car before they could drive off to begin the honeymoon. What's a honeymoon for a pair of movie stars by the way? Do they rent out a football stadium somewhere and hire whole planeloads of hookers for a huge orgy and fly in piles of drugs and gallons of booze? "I want these memories to last a lifetime, or at least until they invent brain-colonics and I can just forget every stupid thing I've ever done." I could've sworn Scarlett said humans weren't monogamous by nature. Yeah - Ryan's got a nice road ahead of him.

Baby Talk

Jennifer Garner with her new baby (I must've missed the birth announcement). Kid looks a little fat if you ask me, and the color...that can't be normal (unless the father is an Oompa Loompa). And I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to hold a kid unless your name is Britney Spears. Gosh, it's so adorable though. Congratulations Jen!

Palin Skewered

Fey and Poehler continue their evisceration of Palin. Some of that dialogue is verbatim from Palin's actual interview with Katie Couric. You truly can't make up how dumb Palin is.

Madness

If the above video doesn't disturb you or at least bother you a little then I don't wanna know you. Don't move into my neighborhood. Stay as far away from me as possible. These people are insane, pure and simple. And save your accusations of religious bigotry - I don't care to hear them. I know nuts when I see them, and nuts belong locked up. Eternal shame on John McCain for plucking this maniac Sarah Palin from obscurity and forcing us to deal with her. Country first? No - McCain just wants to be president. He doesn't care how he gets there. He doesn't care if winning means setting his supposedly beloved nation on a road toward final destruction at the hands of a bunch of rapture-embracing crackpots who think dinosaurs and humans lived at the same time. No lie - Sarah Palin really believes that. She learned her history by watching The Flintstones.

R.I.P. Paul Newman

Paul Newman has died after a long bout with cancer. Nothing shocking here - it became obvious a few months ago that he was done for. He had long since ceased being a working actor and passed into the realm of the legend who had somehow outlived himself. The mind struggled to connect the frail old man with the incredibly virile, beautiful, talented blue-eyed cinema god. Now it doesn't have to try.

It's hard picking out a single greatest Newman performance but Cool Hand Luke is a good place to start. The most famous scene is probably this one - "I can eat 50 eggs."

Of course there was Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - and The Hustler. And then he aged magnificently into roles like the washed-up lawyer in The Verdict and the washed-up pool shark in The Color of Money and the crusty old father in Nobody's Fool. He's mostly associated with these performances and that late-50s/60s Method era where he played Billy the Kid in The Left-Handed Gun and the sick-hot degenerate fucker in The Long Hot Summer (his first movie co-starring alongside Joanne Woodward) - but he was old enough to have starred in straight Hollywood schmaltz like The Silver Chalice too. And of course he was Butch Cassidy...and always will be, no matter who else plays him.

Snoozer

The debate was by-and-large a snoozer - an utterly predictable result given that we're dealing with a pair of politicians who've been drilled and rehearsed more ferociously than a kiddie beauty pageant contestant. The best you can say is that Juggy scored more style points than Crip-Arms - Obama is a much more fluid and graceful shit-shoveler than McCain who occasionally gives one the impression that he actually thinks this nonsense might be beneath him. Of course the lefty media is claiming Obama won the thing - they say McCain blinked a lot and looked grouchy and "troll-like" (is he an Olsen twin?) and that Obama stood up well against McCain's efforts to make him seem like a green rookie. They say McCain didn't look at Obama enough. Did they want him to make go-go eyes at him the way they all do?

The debate dealt largely with economic issues, at least during the part at the beginning when I was still paying attention. Jim Lehrer - he's still alive - got the candidates to talk about the bail-out deal being cooked up in Congress and their overall feelings about the economy. Both nominees think things are bad, and think the other guy's party is responsible. They argued a little about whether taxes should be raised or lowered or left alone. Where would politicians be without the issue of taxes? Things got contentious when the conversation drifted into Iraq and McCain accused Obama of not knowing the difference between strategy and tactics. I hate to break the news to Gimpy, but trying to make Obama look stupid is not going to work. Juggy may be the darling of the cool people but he himself is an uber-geek. If there's something he doesn't know, he's going to learn it, and be ready if it comes up. That right there is reason enough to favor him, especially after 8 years of George "Ain't Big on Book-Learnin'" Bush.

In the end it doesn't really matter what anyone said of course - the experts will spend the next few days ignoring substance and focusing on style. The McCain blinking thing will get a lot of play, especially from the comedians - Darrell Hammond is probably in front of his mirror right now practicing. I don't know what McCain is supposed to do about something like that though. Botox his eyelids? It's not his fault he's a twitching, angry mess - blame the gooks for that one.

And what is some would-be impressionist supposed to do with Obama? What's his hook? With Reagan you had the head-bob, with George #1 the prissy voice, with Clinton the lip bite, Bush #2 the smirk and the dipshit laugh and the squint and a thousand other hilarious psychotic tics. Obama's hook is...he doesn't have a hook. He's blander than an unbuttered noodle. But he's not a droning Frankenstein like John Kerry or a condescending twat like Al Gore. He's calm and patient and above all he doesn't blink too much. He doesn't seem like he's about to start grinding his teeth. He seems ready to pop open a malt liquor and put on some Al Green. He should be wearing a smoking jacket out there. He should have one hand in his pocket and a broad hanging off him (at least then he'd be interesting).

As to whether either of these men is qualified to steer the ship of state through the dangerous reef of the modern world...frankly, I don't think there's any such thing as a man who's "qualified" to have as much power as the U.S. President. Ron Paul is the only presidential candidate I've ever heard who said he was willing to cede power back to the Congress and the states where it belongs...and he's an anti-evolutionist crackpot. Apparently, being a serious Presidential candidate means supporting the continued perversion of the Founding Fathers' design of checks-and-balances. Presidents shouldn't be chosen for their inspirational qualities or grand visions or soaring characters though - they should be picked because they're qualified to hold down an executive office. That's a subject that ought to be raised in a debate, and the candidates' answers would be very intriguing indeed. Unfortunately, nobody ever addresses those deeper philosophical issues. Everyone's looking for sound-bites, both the candidates and the people asking the questions. Want real substance? Don't bother looking to either of these programmed schmos.

Imported Fat, Unfunny White Guys

Ricky Gervais is being auditioned to host next year's Oscars. The British comic and TV star received initial attention from the show's producers after being slightly less hideous than everyone else during the recent dreadful Emmys broadcast. What will be different about the Oscars if Gervais hosts them? The bad political jokes will be delivered with an English accent. There will be even more sweat to mop from the floor than usual. It will be even gayer than when Billy Crystal was host.

Family Issues

Lindsay Lohan is so afraid of her wacked-out father that she's reportedly getting a protection order taken out. Page 6 says Dina and Ali have already gotten similar orders - but what about little Trig or Puck or whatever the boy's name is? No one cares what happens to him because he's not famous. He's the "normal" Lohan. Well, someone has to be. Frankly, if anyone needs protection against Michael, it's Samantha Ronson. He doesn't like her. There could be some kind of knife-fight in an alley over this. My money's on Ronson - she's younger and quicker and you know she's cut her share of people in the past.

Someone Forgot to Tell the Cops it Was No Big Deal

Hayden Panettiere's father Harvey (I don't know if that's his name) has been charged with misdemeanor battery over a well-publicized incident earlier this year. Hayden herself tried to dismiss the thing as no big deal but apparently the cops don't agree. Harvey faces up to a year in jail if found guilty. I'm sure Hayden would be just distraught if her old man had to go in the slammer. She'd probably even fake a tear for the cameras.

Daily Fit

A normal night for Wino. Those pants apparently began the night complete but Amy hacked them up with something sharp. I'm guessing she didn't bother taking them off first. This is why she's a fashion icon.

What a Girl

Brad Pitt has a beauty regimen that would put even Jennifer Lopez to shame. The Enquirer says Pitt, "steams his face twice a week, meticulously clips his goatee daily and plucks his own eyebrows." He "goes through an intense ritual of cleansing, exfoliating and toning his face with all sorts of balms and creams…One a week, [he] lubes up his hands and feet with olive oil-based creams to keep his skin supple and wrinkle-free. He even wears gloves and socks to bed to make sure the cream works while he’s sleeping." The article claims Brad takes an hour every night getting ready for bed, which drives Angelina nuts because she herself only brushes her teeth and washes the crust off her face. This story does not shock me one bit and yes I believe every effing word of it.

What's Missing From this Picture?

Natalie Portman...without her filthy boyfriend Devendra Banhart. Reports say Natalie and Devendra broke up because they "needed some space." More like "Natalie needed to fill her lungs with air that didn't reek of opium, hippie sweat and hummus farts."

Owned

Chris Kattan will have to give up a "low-six figure sum" as part of his settlement with Sunshine Tutt, the model he was married to for exactly 59 days. TMZ says Tutt was set to receive less than $10,000 per the original prenup but this was renegotiated upward. Yeah? What was that negotiation like? "My client would like to inform Mr. Kattan that she took pictures of his pathetic little penis while he was asleep and is prepared to release these to the public unless her demands are met." What kind of fucking putz allows himself to be owned like this? If Kattan had a pair he would've bumped off Sunshine himself or hired someone to do it. Even a hitman doesn't cost $100,000 (if you have a coupon or take advantage of a "Kill your ex, get one relative free" deal).

Is She About to Eat That Kid?

This poster for Angelina's movie Changeling is a little creepy. She looks like she's about to make that kid into a snack. "To find her son, she did what no one else dared." What? Look under the couch?

Wouldn't Shock Me

The nuts are claiming Joe Biden is set to step down as Barack Obama's running mate so Hillary Clinton can slide in and take the position she should've been given in the first place. The rumors say "health reasons" will be cited as causing Biden's withdrawal, when the truth is that Obama's people are afraid of the Palin factor, and are almost equally terrified the loose-lipped Biden will say something so horrific it will derail the whole campaign. It saddens me that someone like Joe Biden who I think is a fantastic, honest and smart guy is seen as a liability when a complete empty dress like Palin is viewed as a positive. I honestly don't think the Democrats should be that worried about her though. Even most Republican drones, once they start listening to her, will have to realize how stupid she is. And maybe then it will dawn on them how insulted they should feel at being made to swallow such a load of bullshit in the first place.

So Little to Ask...

Paul McCartney lights a candle at the Church of the Nativity as part of his visit to the Holy Land. "Dear Lord, please bring peace to the Middle East and love and understanding between all peoples. And give that one-legged bitch the worst case of boils in the whole fucking history of the known universe."

She Can't Let Go

Lonely wreck Jennifer Aniston is trying her damndest to get John Mayer back. "Jennifer reached out to John first," a source told The Daily Mail. "She had a few glasses of wine - then decided to throw caution to the wind and make the first move. John was pleasantly surprised to hear from her. He says they’ve been in contact pretty much every day since and he’s really looking forward to seeing her again soon.

Another source said Aniston has been a complete mess since Mayer dumped her. "Jennifer's friends are worried. She’s had a really tough time since the break-up and the more time goes on, she realises how much John still means to her. Basically, she’s still in love with him and has had a really tough time letting go."

The report claims Mayer dumped Aniston because she was partying too much and when she drinks she gets even more clingy and insane. "Jen just needs to be careful about not being so needy and vulnerable when it comes to men. Unfortunately partying tends to bring that side out of her and she’s a lot more appealing to John when she parties less."

Told you he dumped her because she was clingy. God, did I call it or what? And now she's obsessed with Mayer like she still is with Pitt. Christ, just get a dog you pitiful bitch. Eh, the dog would probably just run away too.

Can't Hack It

The above purports to show Lindsay Lohan losing her shit halfway through a photoshoot. Star says Lohan is boozing and snorting coke again and everyone in her life is fearful she is going to crash. What's that "again" shit. Earth to idiots: She never stopped. Honestly, you thought she was eating Sam Ronson's tuna while sober? No one in the history of earth has ever put their face anywhere near Ronson's crotch without being totally bombed on something. Lohan tried pre-emptively shooting down the Star story, saying "Star magazine is going to publish another ridiculous story about me - then again it’s not like their track record is up there with the New Tork Times." No sweetie. And it's not like yours is right up there with Kate Hepburn's.

Not Feelin' It

Charlize Theron took time out from flogging her dreadful looking moving The Battle in Seattle to randomly attack MTV's absurd faux-reality show The Hills. "I realized that this fucking show is huge," Charlize said. "Now I'm going to ask you a question: Why? Why is it so big? It's about nothing! This is a free country. Freedom of speech! You can tell me right now to my face that Reindeer Games was a piece of shit. That's totally fine.

"But The Hills is about nothing. I think the girls are beautiful and when they cry their mascara runs and that's real, but I don't get it! [Pause.] I am a nana. I'll just take it. I am a nana. Maybe I need to watch the shows some more."

Actually, I'd rather tell you Aeon Flux, North Country and The Legend of Bagger Vance were pieces of shit. And The Cider House Rules. And The Astronaut's Wife. And that thing with Keanu Reeves where you were Sandy Dennis. Yeah, and Reindeer Games and that unholy disaster with you and Courtney Love. Jesus, you've made a lot of bad movies Cha Cha. But we love you anyway and you know why? You're crazy but you're not stupid. You're like Sharon Stone before she went completely off the rails and started insulting Chinese people and waving her cooch in her own adopted son's face. A smart person can't survive in Hollywood without being utterly bonkers...and smoking tons of pot. So no, don't bother watching The Hills anymore - you got the gist.

Not Gwen Stefani

Britney in a black wig. She had a new album coming out or something and now it's delayed or...fuck I don't know. I wish she'd go back to smacking things with umbrellas and having huge flame-outs ending in threats of Tylenol suicide. The day she found out Chanel dresses weren't for wiping up dog poo was a sad one indeed.

Overdoing It

We get it - you're lesbians.

Martha's Dream

This is the dick Martha Stewart would wish to have were she male. What's with the zig-zagging mustard? Who the fuck takes the trouble to put a perfect trail of zig-zagging mustard down their absurdly long hot dog? That guy in the background - his other job is chiseling the grit from the folds in Martha's back. She pays him in beads that he then uses to trade for cigarettes with the slaves who work day and night extracting the sheep-bile that's used to produce the special potion Martha drinks to keep from turning back into a shit-smelling ogre.

Off to the Park Bench

Brad Pitt continues his transformation into a creepy old guy you wouldn't want around your kids. Poor guy's brain is totally warped now. And his dick has shrunk to the size of a raisin.

Things We Need Like a Hole in the Head

Johnny Depp has signed on to return as swishy pirate Jack Sparrow in a fourth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. This despite the fact that not a single sane person on the face of the earth who doesn't stand to benefit financially from such a film wants there to be a fourth installment in that particular franchise. The first Pirates: Mildly amusing big-budget nonsense. The second Pirates: Mildly amusing big-budget nonsense degenerating into clattering self-indulgence. The third Pirates: Clattering self-indulgence degenerating into mindless incoherence and CGI overkill. What will the fourth Pirates be? Maybe they shouldn't even bother with the movie and just have people line up to be kicked in the face. By the way, Keira Knightley has already said she won't do another one of these no matter how much money they offer her. Even dumb twats can sometimes show common sense. Johnny? Hard to say...

He Won't Shut Up

Michael Lohan's plan to win back Lindsay's heart has gone completely down the crapper and it's all the fault of his big fat mouth. Actually, it's his big fat typing fingers, which keep hammering out emails like the following, which he sent to X17:

After spending a week in LA, doing charity work and meeting people who want to make positive difference in other peoples lives, only to hear what some of these very people have to say about Samantha Ronson I was sickened. But, then to read the recent article in In Touch magazine, which only corroborated what I heard, I am compelled to state my concerns about the effect Samantha is having on my daughter.

First, it was me for speaking out against Samantha after I was in a deep conversation with Lindsay, only to have Samantha in the background enticing Lindsay to get off the phone with me.. Then my own ex-wife expressed such sincere concern that I felt we had to intervene. Now, Joe Francis is attacked for speaking out about Samantha, when he too cares about Lindsay and is concerned about Samantha’s effect on Lindsay.

Joe Francis is a good person and even a better businessman. He wasn’t a bad guy when he flew Lindsay around on his jet, opened the doors top his home or tried to help, was he? Of course not because Samantha wasn’t around. Sounds familiar with regard to me as well !!!!

There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye! Not that what we see is soooo pleasing anyway! I mean, what’s with this …."person"??? Look at the way she “dresses”? Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words! Personally, I think she is dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity!

Have you ever seen her apartment? For God’s sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this first hand).

I heard and know more about Samantha than you can imagine. Yet, while I haven’t exposed her, I know that God will. He will weed her out of Lindsay’s life and at that time, you will finally see Lindsay back in the place in her heart and mind that God wants and she belongs. Hopefully, without Samantha causing more damage than she already has.

Did he seriously just cite Joe Francis as his notion of a solid person? That right there sapped whatever credibility he may have had. Lindsay would be better off in the company of Ted Bundy and Jack the Ripper than Joe Francis...or her father for that matter. Of course, I still think Sam Ronson is a hideous leech but whatever...Lohan's an adult now and needs to step in her own shitpiles and learn to wipe the stuff from her own shoe. Thankfully she's not afraid to tell her father where to stuff it, as evidenced by the email she sent Page 6:

My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it's dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren't speaking.

I am in a great place in life. I have overcome a lot and have been able to learn how to enjoy and appreciate my life in every way possible. I'm proud of myself for being able to make a change in the past year and a half.

My past is behind me, and that's final. There's nothing more to be said. All the false accusations that people try to make are simply because there's no story when things are calm and good.

But they might as well let it go because their lies don't affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she's a wonderful girl.

She loves me, as I do her.

Clearly, Samantha wrote that for her. But I'm sure the spirit of it is true to what Lindsay honestly believes in her wounded little heart. She is a sad confused person who can't distinguish between exploitation and love, and Michael and Dina made her that way.

I've Grown Accustomed to Your Face...and Now I Want to Punch It

Brad Pitt and George Clooney have had a falling out over their mutual desire to play Henry Higgins in an upcoming remake of My Fair Lady. "We both badly want [the] role and neither is backing down," OK! quotes Clooney as saying. "It's sort of become an intense competition between us now and it just keeps escalating." Really? Over Henry Higgins? What, they figure the part will nab them an Oscar the way it did for Rex Harrison? And they both need that validation so badly they're willing to throw away a perfectly good gay relationship over it? I guess we're seeing their true colors shining through - and they ain't beautiful like no rainbow.

Booger-Encrusted Hooker-Top Anyone?

Alli Sims dropped completely off the map after being booted from Britney Spears' crazy train, and is now apparently broke. According to Crazy Days and Nights, the former professional hanger-on has resorted to setting up a stand at a flea market so she can sell swag she accumulated during her months as a leech. Didn't she have an album coming out? On her website it says she'll be putting up samples of her music "in the future." Only if she sells enough hoarded gift-bag shit to keep up with the server costs.

Changed Man

Nick Hogan will be released from county lock-up in Florida next month after serving five months of an eight month sentence for rendering his friend John Graziano a vegetable via car-wreck. The first thing Nick will do is get behind the wheel of some hot-rod and start tear-assing up and down the streets like nothing ever happened. The second thing he'll do is go on some assface TV show and talk about how he's changed and the Lord sent him this trial to make a better man of him. The third thing he'll do is ring up Brooke so they can get their incestuous freak on. Whoever thinks this kid's brain-killing days are over is a fool.

Shocking Revelation

Clay Aiken has shocked the world by revealing he is a complete media whore. "Yes, I'm desperate for attention," Aiken says in the new issue of People. And what's behind the American Idol loser's new-found honesty? The baby he recently fathered with his friend, record producer Jaymes Foster. "I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things," Aiken explains. Very brave of him. Oh by the way, he's also gay. And an asshat.

Life Can Exist Almost Anywhere

Revolting porn star Jenna Jameson has announced she is pregnant with twins. Twin babies. Little beings that are growing inside her womb. David Attenborough should do a special about the pregnancy - The Tenacity of Life. "If life can exist in a place so hostile, surely it can exist anywhere. Truly, creation is a wondrous thing. And so are breasts. My goodness, look at those. I haven't been this hard since Vanessa Redgrave came onto me at that dinner party. We're not rolling are we? Oh dear, I'm afraid I've made a mess of myself. Marvelous. Simply marvelous."

Winning Converts

An Emmy after-party, Lindsay Lohan and Hayden Panettiere. Lindsay's even starting to dress like Ronson now. Panty is the girlie one in this duo. But it's not a duo! Don't get nervous Milo. But I'm sure if Panty did go lez she'd let you watch or something.

Inappropriate Sexual Atmosphere

Sharon Stone's ex-husband Phil Bronstein has been awarded sole physical custody of their adopted 8-year-old son Roan. According to sources, Bronstein was concerned about Sharon's party lifestyle and the "inappropriate sexual atmosphere" that often pervaded her digs when the boy was around. Phil's lawyers did a good enough job of convincing the judge and now he has the boy until circumstances warrant a modification. Inappropriate sexual atmosphere? What, Sharon likes flashing beav in front of the kid too? Well what do you want? It's the only thing she's ever been known for. You don't expect Don Rickles not to tell jokes do you? You wouldn't ask David Copperfield not to do magic tricks? Sharon got hosed. Thankfully she still has custody of her other two adopted kids Pax and Zahara.

Someone Might Want to Step In About Now...

Taylor Momsen is 15 and has a body like Madonna. And that ain't a good thing. Are those breast implants? This kid would be better off with Lynne Spears as a mom, seriously.

You Gotta Have Faith - And Lots of Crack

George Michael looking like some kind of cracked-out spider monkey. No George, I do not want your sex.

Nourish This

Gwyneth Paltrow has launched a new website called Goop.com. The site's purpose, according to the landing page, is to "Nourish the inner aspect." Little icons across the top of this page seem to promise various experiences but they all lead to the same text, written by Paltrow or someone claiming to be Paltrow. I now share with you the wisdom reflected here:

My life is good because I am not passive about it. I want to nourish what is real, and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel, to cook, to eat, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard. I love being a mother who has to overcome my bad qualities to be a good mother. I love being in spaces that are clean and nice.

Over the years, I have tried lots of different things. I have made lots of mistakes. But I have figured some things out in the process and I would like to share them with you. Whether you want a good place to eat in London, some advice on where to stay in Austin, the recipe I made up this week, or some thoughts from one of my sages, GOOP is a little bit of everything that makes up my life.

Make your life good. Invest in what's real. Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Clean out your space. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you've never been to. Learn something new. Don't be lazy. Workout and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great.

And you needed to start a whole website for this? You could've just opened a Twitter account. No one cares anyway, fake-Limey bitch.

Damage

Seal likes it rough, obviously...

Father-Daughter Time

"Leave me alone shithead. Can't you see I'm trying to create a magic portal to Neverland with my eyes? Well, you said I could do it..."

Big Number

Jessica Simpson bought a new shirt to celebrate finally learning the next number after 8. Alternate: Jessica Simpson's shirt keeps track of her mental age.

Yip Yip Yip

Paul Sculfor takes his dog for a walk. Is there such a thing as doggie Proactiv?

Original Recipe, Not...

The accounts of DJ AM's injuries in the wake of the plane crash that nearly killed him and fellow famous person Travis Barker keep getting downgraded. Initially, it was reported that the DJ's whole face was burned off, then that was revised to 50% of his body including "burns to the head," and now we've found out that he's only burned on 12% of his body. So all you people who are praying for him, you can back off. He doesn't need them as bad as you thought. You can save them for someone who's never been on TV or released a record or fucked Mandy Moore. Barker, however, still needs all the prayers he can get. He needed them before the crash and nothing's really changed.

Gay Resemblance

Holy crap - Doogie Howser went back in time and seduced a young Jeff Bridges and brought him back to today and went to the Emmys with him. Cool.

So Adorable (Blech)

Lindsay should make this into a Christmas card and send it to Michael. "Season's greetings from your shameless lesbian daughter. How do you like me now Christ-boy? Ooh, stop it Sam - you know I'm ticklish there. Tee-hee."

He Knows Where He Can Ram It

30 Rock must've won a bunch of Emmys or something. I'd be careful giving one of those statues to Baldwin - those wings, or whatever the fuck they're supposed to be, look pretty sharp. "You rude little pig. Eat this." Oh, sorry - I probably shouldn't joke about that. It's been revealed that Alec had suicidal thoughts in the wake of his outing as a colossal jerk who verbally abuses his child. Be a shame if Alec read some of this shit and got depressed and chugged a bunch of drain opener...

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The New Lindsay?

This could be the easiest Page 6 blind item ever:

Which stunning TV actress can't stand the Hollywood starlet who's guest-starring on her show? The series' main character "is furious" at her co-star, who always shows up late and has friends hanging around the set.

Bit of a stretch calling America Ferrera "stunning," but otherwise, this one is obvious as can be. And not the least bit surprising. Even when she's trying to show that she's been humbled by her past experiences, Lindsay Lohan still acts like a spoiled twat.

Dick-Free Zone

Dane Cook was found guilty of allowing his dog to shit all over his apartment building and now the alleged comedian has been officially evicted. Don't think Dane left without a fight though. The imbecile reportedly pleaded with the judge to let him stay in the apartment, claiming his eviction caused him "emotional hardship" and that - get this - the apartment "inspired him creatively." Oh get over it Dane - you can steal jokes any old place.

New Wino

Lily Allen already has the drunken antics and overall obnoxiousness down pat - and now she's adopted another of Amy Winehouse's favorite bits, locking herself out of her own house and having to break back in. She's a beehive and a couple tattoos away from being mildly entertaining.

Don't Tell Olbermann

New York Times columnist Frank Rich branded Joy Behar "Edward R. Murrow" after she grilled John McCain and called him a liar on The View. Keith Olbermann immediately threw a fit. Comedians are now the most credible journalists we have in America, a fact that is disturbing to some people. But why is it disturbing? The court jester was the only one who could speak the truth to the King (true, the jester often got his head chopped off, but that's the risk you take). Point is, I don't care who's asking the questions, as long as someone's asking the questions.

The really disturbing thing about this, if you care about what kind of people are about to occupy the White House, is that Cindy McCain actually complained afterward about the grilling. Apparently, Cindy thinks she and John should be allowed to skate right through to Inauguration Day without ever being asked anything about anything. That sense of entitlement is exactly what's wrong with politics. McCain thinks he's owed the presidency because he suffered for 5 years in the prison camp and he's put in his time in the trenches of the Senate. The presidency isn't a job to him, it's a retirement plan. And Cindy wants all the perks and the prestige too. Fuck both of them right in the ass.

Emmy Awards Recap

Who gives a shit.

Make it Stop!

Another picture of Tom holding Suri and Suri with her hands clamped over her ears. Funny, but you never see this when Katie is holding her. I don't know what it means - I just know it's both funny and disturbing.

Slut Cooties

Selena Gomez touched Vanessa Hudgens and now she has slut cooties. Pervs now have Selena's MySpace page on auto-refresh, waiting for the naughty pictures to show up. Zac Efron is thinking about a three-way - with two of the Jonas Brothers. Vanessa's so trampy...not as trampy as Bristol Palin, but still...

Waste of Good Jail Space

Former singer George Michael was busted Friday for crack and marijuana possession. Guess where he was when he was arrested? Yup - a bathroom. The London cops decided to let Michael off with a warning and he has since apologized for the transgression. How many times has he been nailed for drugs and let off? I've lost count. Seems to me that, if this is all you're going to do with offenders, you might as well not bother having drug laws at all. Michael's probably pissed he didn't get thrown in prison. He's thinking of all the good ass-sex he could be having in there. I guess he'll just have to kill someone or spit at the Queen or something.

Role Models

Sick redneck Billy Ray Cyrus and his slutty spawn Miley are engaged in epic warfare with Disney over the future of Miley's show Hannah Montana. Basically, Billy Ray and Miley don't want to do the show anymore, but it's such a cash-cow for Disney that they refuse to let them just walk. Billy Ray and Miley have decided to deal with the situation by being complete cocks. Miley's been such a bitch to her co-stars and crew that, reportedly, a lot of them won't even speak to her anymore. Disney has countered by attempting to extend the show's run beyond the originally planned number of episodes. The Cyrus revolt is allegedly being orchestrated by Billy Ray who thinks there's more money to be made in tours and albums - not just Miley's but his own. Yes, the man who gave us "Achy Breaky Heart" is planning to take advantage of his daughter's fame by resurrecting his own lame career. Nothing like living off your children. I would hope for Miley's little fans to rebel against her now but unfortunately they're all mindless drones. This little girl is an insufferable twat. I wish she'd been in the plane with Travis Barker and DJ AM.

Plane Crash Fails to Kill Travis Barker

Travis Barker, former Blink 182 drummer and known sex partner of Paris Hilton, has reportedly survived a plane crash that killed at least four people in South Carolina. The Learjet apparently failed to take off as planned, rolled off the end of the runway and through a fence, hit an embankment and caught fire. Reports say former Nicole Richie fuck-partner DJ AM was also on the plane and also survived. Speculation was initially flying that former Jane's Addiction singer Perry Farrell was among the dead but it's since been confirmed that he was not on the plane. The two survivors are both in critical condition at the burn ward. Be a shame if all Travis's lovely tattoos burned off. I'll be back with an update if either Barker or DJ AM croak it or if there were other famous people on the plane who are now dead. Otherwise fuck it.

Officially Old

Old man golfing hat - check. Big old gut - check. Drool on shirt - check. Profuse ear-hair - awaiting further examination.

He Has More Time for Hookers and Blow Now

Pat O'Brien has been canned by The Insider after controversial remarks about his co-star Lara Spencer. The remarks, disseminated via email (great move Pat), included O'Brien's assertion that Spencer's segments on the show made viewers "vomit." Hmm...I thought Pat was a kinky dude who enjoyed being splashed with bodily fluids and other icky stuff. Apparently I was wrong.

Of Course

Heather Mills is suing former publicist Michelle Elyzabeth, who has spent the last several months bashing the one-legged former porn model and probable child-murderer to anyone who'll listen. "There has been so much rubbish written about Heather recently that she hopes getting lawyers involved will end it," a source told Page 6. There's a source willing to defend Heather Mills and call the attacks against her "rubbish?" Who is this source? A mysterious person who calls the newspaper at 3 am using the alias Feather Fills?

Yet His Kneecaps Remain Intact

Brandon Davis is up to his fat neck in debt, and is also being accused of stealing credit cards and art as he tries desperately to cling to his jet-setting, grease-dripping lifestyle. A rundown of Davis's known crimes:

• Stole an American Express card from Carnegie Mellon heir Matthew Mellon and ran up a $110,000 bill.
• Ran up a $100,000 tab on student David Kur's bookie account. "He's a very messed-up person," Mr. Kur said. "I wish I'd never met him.
• Stole art from dealer Andy Valmorbida and a credit card number which he abused to the tune of $75,000.
• Owes large amounts of money to the Beverly Hills Hotel, art collector Eugenio Lopez and fashion designer Max Azria.

Wanna know the sad thing about this? Paris Hilton is apparently the only one who's smart enough to not hang around with this beast anymore. This guy is so slimy, I expect Anne Hathaway to begin dating him any day now.

Diddy Steps in a Pile of Himself

We've all stepped in shit. Few of us have done so while wearing a pair of $1000 gold shoes however. Diddy will probably have DNA tests done on that shit to help him determine which dog was responsible, then he will have the dog rubbed out and stuffed and hung as a trophy. He does the same thing with assistants who piss him off.

They're Too Tiny and Frail to Run

A couple of Paris Hilton's little mutant dogs were reportedly eaten by a coyote. Paris is denying this but as we know a denial from her ain't worth shit. I feel sorry for the dogs but sorrier for the coyote. You know those greasy little yappers gave the poor thing indigestion. The little bastards might've been able to run away or defend themselves but of course those things are bred to be cute but pretty much helpless. The best they could've done was utter a couple feeble, raspy barks as the coyote's jaws closed around their little hairless shuddering bodies. Were one inclined to hunt down the coyote, one would need only look for the piles of curiously sparkly coyote scat.

Anonyboobs

Anonymous and other anti-Scientology crazies turned out to protest at Katie Holmes' play All My Sons which is now in previews. The Guy Fawkes mask thing - I don't really have words for how lame that is. You want my opinion? Scientology created the Anonymous "movement" as part of some devious self-reinforcement scheme. Nothing strengthens unity like an enemy. Everything else about Scientology is phony so why shouldn't its adversaries be as well?


Scientologists believe that the will of the individual can be sucked out of their bodies by gently touching their right arm.

Which is Worse?

Five years in a gook prison camp or 10 minutes with Rachael Ray?

Mishap My Ass

Former Dawson's Creek star Joshua Jackson received a bloody nose when a stunt involving a copper wire (?) went wrong on the set of his new show Fringe. "I can now say that I have literally put my blood into this show," Jackson told the Enquirer. And they're calling this an accident? Even after the story about Jackson going to visit his old girlfriend Katie Holmes at rehearsals of her play? No - this was no accident. This was the work of Xenu. I warned Josh...but he just wouldn't listen.

Musta Missed That One

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are denying an internet rumor that they split up. This rumor is supposedly "swirling around" the web. It must be swirling around a part of it that I never go to because I didn't see it. Anywhere. And neither did The Dirty Disher. So who is reporting this rumor? Or is it some deal where you say there's a rumor so you can then deny the rumor. Cause you haven't gotten enough run lately and you wanted to see your faces all over Entertainment Tonight. Whatever. I'm sure we'll know it if Brad and Angie really do break up. Cause Just Jared will post his suicide note.

Miley's Meat

The Dirty Disher dug up some pics of Miley Cyrus's boyfriend Justin Gaston. Yes, he's a professional underwear model. Unlike Miley who is a mere amateur. We know Justin isn't giving it to Miley cause that would be against the law.

Full of It

Anne Hathaway says she lacks the nerve to make a spectacle of herself like other Hollywood starlets. "You know those girls that, like, go out? I'm just not confident enough to do that," Anne says. "I'm not the sort of girl that will throw on a short skirt and tease her hair up. ... Truly, I am a wallflower by nature." Obviously.

House of Mirrors

Katie Holmes is an actress by trade, but her whole life has become a performance. Granted, playing Tom Cruise's adoring wife pays better than your average Hollywood role, but it's also much more demanding. By the way Tom - nice package.


Oh dear...um...what the fuck? When did Cruise develop such a case of wonk-eye? When did his forehead turn into Madonna's arm? Woah. I think the youth potion is wearing off.

Right Back at Ya

Yes, it's Courtney Love. She's trying to set her own personal record for not bathing. I wonder if she found the person who stole Kurt's ashes yet. Yeah right. She'll find them the same day O.J. finds the real killers.

Lego Wino

Someone made Winehouse into a Lego person - complete with hot-pants. She comes with a little Lego house she keeps locking herself out of and a Lego rehab center she only stays in for five minutes. And a Lego prison where she goes to visit her husband but she can't remember his name.

Huh?

Madonna humps her guitar to death then falls on her scrawny keister. I saw Pat Benatar do the same thing once but she was totally high on gorilla tranquilizers. Madonna is the reason I'm not worried about the earth getting sucked down by a black hole. The other dimension will taste her and puke us all right back into our universe.

Yo, Christofuh

The Sopranos is over. Too bad cause Mayer could've gotten a part as a low-level hood. Who everyone hated and they killed him cause he was so damn annoying and ruined Free Fallin'.

Guess They Both Needed to be Chained Up

A probation search at the home of Ryan O'Neal ended in the arrest of the actor and his son Redmond when both were found to be in possession of methamphetamine. Actually, only Redmond had the meth on him - the rest was discovered in Ryan's bedroom. This is just the latest twist in the saga of the O'Neals, who hit some kind of crazy dysfunctional high-note last year when cops were called to Ryan's home after an altercation between him and and son Griffin ended in shots being fired. That dust-up began when Ryan arrived back at the crib to find Griffin had chained Redmond to a banister, allegedly to keep Redmond from getting his hands on drugs. Apparently Griffin needed to buy an extra set of chains for dear old dad. Seems like Redmond and Ryan are living in the wrong town - they should head to Wasilla, where meth-heads are always welcome.

Nobody Disses the Blow (Actually, Everyone Does)

Barack Obama's camp has said thanks but no thanks to an offer by Lindsay Lohan to host a series of youth-targeted campaign events. "[Lindsay] is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for us," an Obama staffer told the Chicago Sun-Times. Apparently Obama doesn't like lesbians. Except his wife. I'm not apologizing. They should apologize to Lindsay for rebuffing her. She's just trying to help for God's sake. I mean, Barack Obama has no problem accepting the support of Ted Kennedy, and he fucking murdered a chick. Sure, Lindsay may be a muff-diving vodka-sneaker with a bit of a coke habit, but she was never guilty of dumping any piece of ass into the drink.

How much you wanna bet the McCain camp had something to say about this? Yup - they did. "So let me get this straight," said a McCain aide, "they turned away Lindsay Lohan, but Barack Obama has friends like unrepentant terrorist Bill Ayers and convicted felon Tony Rezko? Maybe LiLo is just too upstanding for Barack Obama." If he were hip he would've called her LesLo. Honestly, if these idiot politicians don't stop with the celeb stuff, I'm going to stow away on the plane when Alec Baldwin finally moves to Tajikistan. Do they have bloggers in Tajikistan?

Tragedy Averted (Alas)

Jennifer Lopez had a harder time finishing that triathlon than her publicity people want us to believe. Reportedly, J-Ho was just about done with the swimming section when a riptide or something she had for lunch started dragging her under...and bitch almost drowned! Yeah, but then her heroic trainer pulled her sorry ass back up. What a story that would've been, huh? Jennifer Lopez Survives Diddy, Dies Like Confused Sea Lion. I guess God wasn't feeling frisky enough this weekend.

Oh Cripes

Anne Hathaway was caught sneaking a smoke in some dingy back alley outside some venue at the Toronto Film Festival. "Her people don't want anyone to know she smokes," a source told Rush & Molloy. Dear Anne - tell your people to go fuck themselves and smoke all you want. Your life is a mess and if cigs are your only solace, puff away sister.

Hateability

Alec Baldwin has been on a crusade against Harvey Levin and TMZ ever since the site put out his infamous hate-filled voice mail rant against his innocent little pig of a daughter. Baldwin has now used his new book A Promise to Ourselves to further his anti-Levin campaign. Baldwin raves:

[Levin] seemed to be that breed of tabloid creature that realized an almost sexual level of pleasure from ruining other people's lives.

He has created TMZ as the updated receptacle of ... trash. He leads a cadre of self-satisfied twentysomethings who jump like rats from public relations sinking ship to sinking ship.

This book is apparently an attack on the family court system in America, which Alec believes hasn't given him a fair shake. I think he should absolutely get full custody of little Ireland - so he can scream his head off at her all the time instead of just on weekends.

Woman of the People

Hockey moms of America: How long would you have to save to afford the $2500 Valentino jacket Sarah Palin wore to the Republican National Convention? But you feel such a tight bond with her. She's just like you. Pitbull in lipstick.

Proud to be a Fat-Ass

Ricky Gervais says he would rather keep getting fatter and just buy new clothes than try to control his weight. "I get up, look in the mirror and say, 'Oh, you fucking fat bastard.' I have to throw my clothes away every three months because I get too fat for them." I applaud Ricky's unconventional lifestyle choice. Not everyone has the guts to just be a proud fat fuck. I do hope Ricky doesn't just throw his clothes away though. He should really take them to Goodwill - the poor people might need tents.

Sarah Palin Knows How This One Ends

Miley Cyrus is dating a 20-year-old pipe-layer underwear model named Justin Gaston. Question: If you were a 20-year-old underwear model, would you date a little slobbering 15-year-old snaggletoothed MySpace twit unless she were worth a billion dollars? Didn't think so.

Cause She Cares

Scarlett Johansson did her part to help fight AIDS by dressing up like Jane Goodall, and flying to Africa to stand around nodding her head. "It was important for me to come here and see the issues we're up against firsthand," reads Johansson's statement. "I came here with an open mind, wanting to listen, understand and learn; I leave with the overwhelming understanding that the small action of making a (RED) choice in your purchases ... has an enormous impact on the lives of people in countries like Rwanda." (RED) is apparently a group of brands that donate money to AIDS causes if you buy their stuff. I'm sure Scarlett only buys (RED) stuff too. Cause she cares deeply about buying the right stuff. It's all about the buying. And the plaits, which tell people that you are a simple person like the simple folk you are meeting. And the scarf. And not puking no matter how bad the cow-shit smell gets.

I Guess You Won't Mind Biting Me Then

Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed to Oprah Winfrey that, much like Oprah herself, she is incapable of staying on a diet. "I think maybe it's the idea that you can't have something ... I just can't do it," Paltrow explained. I appreciate what Gwyneth is saying - there are a few things I just can't bring myself to do as well. Like care about Gwyneth Paltrow and her stupid diets. Like look at Gwyneth Paltrow's stupid face and not puke. Like listen to Gwyneth Paltrow speak and not reach for the nearest bottle of rat poison.

Pair o' Bimbos

Shia LaBeouf took Transformers co-star Megan Fox as his date to the premiere of his new movie Eagle Eye. Oh Shia - you're so cool; you get to hold Megan Fox's hand. And if you were a female stripper or a has-been former 90210 cast-member, she might even fuck you.

Dear Michelle...

You're rich. The kid needs to feel good about herself too. How about you get her hair fixed? Just a friendly suggestion...

Girl Gone Wild

Emmy Rossum celebrated her 22nd birthday by getting completely crazy. Look at her holding up that cake - man, is she wasted. And look at her trying to blow out those three candles. She can't even muster any breath! 22 and already dying of black-lung? She makes Amy Winehouse look like the picture of health. Such a shame...

How Do You Make the Tyra Banks Show Even Lamer Than Usual?

Have Kim Kardashian and her retarded sisters on. Jesus, how tall is Tyra?

She Got a Job

Rumer Willis is no longer useless celebuspawn - the ugly bitch actually went out and scored herself a real job. EW reports that Rumer will be dragging her giant chin in front of the cameras to shoot a guest spot on the TV show CSI: NY - and she'll be playing the victim of a serial killer!. A serial killer who targets people with giant deformed chins! The Chinzilla Killer! This is perfect casting, obviously.

Match Made in Heaven

Mischa Barton and Josh Hartnett allegedly hooked up after running into each other at London's Bungalow 8 club last night. "The OC star spent a good hour writhing in front of Josh at the bar...and must have made an impression as they both headed back to his hotel at the end of the night," says The Daily Mail. Mischa held her piss for an hour so she could let go in Josh's face. She's cool like that. These two are perfect for each other if you ask me. Neither of them is the least bit interesting and neither has done anything worthwhile as an actor. They should get married and have lots of boring, untalented babies.

She Has Sex

Jocelyn Wildenstein has a boyfriend - fashion designer Lloyd Klein. I'm gonna just assume this guy is a major freak because there's no other explanation for why he would be attracted to that science experiment. Except her money of course. I swear, you could chip a nail on that bitch's cheek. Does she even have eyelids?

Shocking

From Page 6's Sightings:

Mariah Carey failing to scoop up after her two tiny white dogs on the sidewalk outside the Roberto Cavalli boutique on Madison Avenue.

I'm shocked...not that Mariah doesn't clean up after her dogs, but that she doesn't have a full-time employee whose sole job is to follow her around cleaning up after her dogs. Apparently Mariah doesn't care about leaving tiny bits of poop everywhere she goes. I bet she feeds the dogs mineral water and filet mignon.

So Deep

Plastic twat Megan Fox used an interview in GQ magazine as an opportunity to vent her anger at the Disney tart-machine and the control they exert over their starlets. "With any of the Miley Cyrus shit, or any of that Vanessa Hudgens shit—I would never issue an apology for my life and for who I am," Fox said. "It’s like, 'Oh, I’m sorry I took a naked, private picture that someone is an asshole and sold for money. I’m sorry if someone else is a dick.' No. You shouldn’t have to apologize. Someone betrayed Vanessa, but no one’s angry at that person. She had to apologize. I hate Disney for making her do that. Fuck Disney."

And then Megan added, "They take these little girls, and they put them through entertainment school and teach them to sing and dance, and make them wear belly shirts, but they won’t allow them to be their own people. It makes me sick."

Yes Megan - they'd be much better off if they rebelled against corporate power like you. Oh, by the way - Transformers 2 will be out June 26, 2009. Keep sticking it to the man Meg.

Mr. Big, Little Big

Chris Noth bought himself a Guatemalan kid. Good thing he's in camo, otherwise the VC might see him.

Married Again

"Wow. I've woken up in some weird places before, but this..."

Squeezing One Out

"God damn...that was a big one. Oh, sorry Selena. I thought your head was a toilet."

Blockbuster Run

Britney and Jamie Lynn made a Blockbuster run. "Excuse me miss? Where do y'all keep the Robert Bresson films? I'm in the mood for some Au hasard Balthazar. That poor donkey...he just can't catch a break, can he?"

Full Pink Floyd Reunion Now Impossible

Pink Floyd keyboardist Richard Wright is dead at 65 of cancer. Wright was a founding member of the group, and remained with them all the way up to the tumultuous Wall sessions at which point he was kicked out by Roger Waters (he was re-hired to play on tour in support of that album). He officially re-joined bandmates David Gilmour and Nick Mason to participate in those two latter-day, lesser post-Rogers Floyd albums A Momentary Lapse of Reason and The Division Bell, and he was on-stage when the band reformed for one night to play at Live 8. David Gilmour has since made it clear that he has no intention of ever getting on-board for a full-blown Floyd reunion, and now that full-blown reunion can never happen because Wright is dead. Of course, a real, true, honest full-blown Floyd reunion has been impossible ever since Syd Barrett left the earth. Not that Syd would've known what the hell was going on anyway.

Sarah Palin's Worst Nightmare

Lindsay Lohan has joined the ranks of angry lesbians, lashing out at VP candidate Sarah Palin and calling her a homophobe. Of course Lindsay continues denying that she herself has moved over to the carpet munching side of town. She's sticking up for her friends is all. Sarah's willing to tolerate a daughter getting knocked-up out of wedlock, but what hellfire would ensue if little Bristol or Willow or Chrysanthemum came back with a Sam Ronson on their arm? They'd probably be disowned if not shot and fed to animals.

McConaughey Lets the Girls Out

Apparently the deal in these triathlons is you swim and then you strip off the swim thing for the running part. Sounds kinda hot. Wish I'd been there. Matthew needed a little help with the stripping though - sometimes stubby arms can be a huge hindrance.

Why Didn't Seal Kick His Ass?

John Mayer was hanging out with Heidi Klum at one of the hot-spots the other night when the guitar God decided to strip to his underwear and do a dance. Heidi reportedly laughed hysterically - there is no account of her husband Seal's reaction, nor is it certain that Seal was even present. A happier ending to this post would been something like, "Seal took Mayer by his wee package and threw him through a plate-glass window." Anything that ends with John Mayer being chucked through something is good - even better if he lands in the street and is flattened by a bakery truck.

No Sweetie - Who the Hell are YOU?

Proof that you don't have to be famous to have an attitude - the antics of new 90210 starlet Shenae Grimes, who appears to think she is the second coming of Shannen Doherty. By Page 6's account - Grimes has been "tormenting" everyone on the show's set, acting "rude to the cast, crew and extras," and even screamed at one fellow actor, "Who the hell are you?" To which the other actor should've replied, "I don't know - who the hell are you?" Shenae Grimes? Where did they find her - the list of rejects who didn't make it onto The Hills? Grimes thinks so highly of herself that she once proclaimed to 90210 castmates, "This is my show - everyone else is riding my coattails." Dear Shenae - you have to be somebody before you can have coattails to ride. Now go get some more words tattooed onto your body. You'll have to take our word for it that they're not dirty words, cause we know you can't read them.

Perv Heaven

I offer this picture as a gift to wanking pervs everywhere. Be careful where you squirt okay? It ain't easy cleaning jizz off an LCD screen.

Sulu Not Solo

Sulu married his boyfriend Brad Altman Sunday in L.A. Chekov cried like a baby and Captain Kirk got totally wasted and had his hands all over Sulu's sister. Mr. Spock performed the ceremony then beamed himself into a male usher's tuxedo pants. What, you didn't know Spock was a flamer? All Vulcans are - they're like Englishmen.

Snagged Another One

Jennifer Aniston is being romantically linked to actor Gerard Butler. LaineyGossip says the two got flirty at the Toronto Film Festival, and there have also been reports of a coupling in the London rags. Yeah, well, I wouldn't blame Jen really - after John Mayer, anyone would develop a hunger for a real man. Yes I realize this is a week old story but I missed it so it's new to me.

Investigate This Now

There needs to be an investigation into Jennifer Lopez's alleged completion of a triathlon in Malibu. She says she finished it in 2 1/2 hours but I'm sort of doubting it. I'm thinking she swapped herself out for a lookalike for most of it, then popped back in Rosie Ruiz-style right at the end. There must be videotape of this. FBI analysts should be brought in to look closely at this evidence and determine whether J-Ho is a true triathlete or just a publicity-grubbing phony. I think we already know the answer to that one.

Papoose

Nicole Kidman totes little Tuesday Tulip around in a papoose. I don't care about fake-face or her vag-monkey - I just like the word "papoose." It's one of those words that sounds like something dirty but isn't. Nicole probably paid $1000 for her papoose. Somewhere there are native folk weaving them out of grass and theirs' will probably go longer without breaking.

Bitterness

The bitterness expressed by "Hillary Clinton" in this SNL bit from last night mirrors the feelings of the entire Democratic party over the way Sarah Palin has swooped in and seemingly hijacked the whole campaign. It was all going so wonderfully for Juggy until runner-up Miss Alaska came along and made everything sooooo complicated. My advice to the Democrats? Have Joe Biden come down with a mysterious ailment right before the first debate with Moose Mom and slide in Hillary as a last-second replacement. Hillary can then proceed to tear Palin fifteen new assholes and no one can accuse her of sexist bullying.

Yes, Tina Fey has the Palin voice down and Amy Poehler does a decent job mocking Hillary's underlying anger but I'm sorry - I can't see these two now without thinking of the atrocious and unfunny Baby Mama. How I managed to sit through that whole thing when every instinct in my body was telling me to jump out the nearest window is beyond me.

I Am the Incestuous Pervus

A leaked audio tape made by John Lennon shortly before his death features the former Beatle recalling the time he almost had sex with his own mother Julia. The tape has come out to help publicize a new book about Lennon by the writer Philip Norman - a book both Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney are said to be furious about. The book also alleges that John tried to get in on with Paul when they were young. The audio can be heard here (clicking opened Windows Media Player for me - don't know what it will do for you). A transcript of Lennon's incestuous reminiscence:

I was just remembering the time I had my hand on my mother’s tit in 1 Blomfield Road.

It was when I was about 14.

I took a day off school, I was always doing that and hanging out in her house.

We were lying on the bed and I was thinking "I wonder if I should do anything else?"

It was a strange moment, because I actually had the hots for some rather lower class female who lived on the other side of the road.

I always think that I should have done it. Presuming she would have allowed it.

Lennon had a weird relationship with his mom to begin with. Julia couldn't handle her shit, and John ended up being raised by her sister Mimi (after his own father Alf tried to kidnap him to New Zealand). Julia was more like an aunt he hung out with - then of course she got run over by a policeman. All his life John was making these pain-racked songs about his mom like "Julia" and "Mother," the latter of which features all that crazy primal-scream stuff. Obviously he was twisted in all kinds of semi-psychotic knots about her especially after she croaked it. No shock to hear he had some weirdo sexual fixation. Dude's head was a nest of snakes.

Sorta Hot?

Is it possible? Could it be? Ben Affleck looking kinda...hot?

Yeah, he's gotta stick with this look. Smelly highway drifter. Old pal who pops up out of nowhere, spends a week on your couch, steals your DVD player and runs. Douchebag Jesus.

Tiny-Head-Man

Kevin Federline is getting fatter, while at the same time, his cranium appears to be shrinking. Soon he will be just this huge mass of torso and limbs with a tiny pimple-head and a little voice saying, "I said I wanted curly fries with that bitch! Am I talking to myself here?" Of course the tiny-head thing could just be an optical illusion related to his giant gut-hiding pup-tent t-shirt.

Should've Kicked His Ass

The world is up in arms because the New York Post critic Lou Lumenick got mad at Roger Ebert while they were in some screening in Toronto and smacked him on the knee with a rolled-up program. Apparently Ebert, whose face is fucked up because of cancer surgery, kept tapping Lumenick on the arm to get him to move his head, and Lumenick finally couldn't take it anymore. Toronto Film Festival officials resolved the crisis by giving Lumenick a different seat. The Post critic has yet to apologize to Ebert who, for his part, has insisted the whole thing was no big deal, and says he wants people to stop treating him like a cripple who can't handle a smack on the knee.

I don't want to sound like I'm advocating beating up on mutes with half their faces missing but...okay, I guess that is what I'm advocating. But I think in Ebert's case there's legitimate cause for a smackdown. Have you ever read his review of Blue Velvet? He gave it one star! One freaking star for possibly the greatest movie ever made? I wouldn't care if Ebert got all his limbs hacked off and was in an iron lung and had an artificial skull made of uncooked lasagna - he'd still deserve to get his ass beat in for that. And someone should get him now before he kicks it entirely.

The New Glimmer Twins?

Meg Ryan parties with Mick Jagger. Um...that's Ryan on the right. No, it's Jagger. Damn, good thing The Joker didn't drop in or this would've really been confusing.

King of Lame

No, Rip Taylor is not on the loose - this is actually Pete Wentz trying to make a joke out of delivering donuts from the bakery he's started in Hollywood. Yes, a bakery. Cause nothing says rock n' roll like dispensing pastries. Apparently, donut delivery people wear kinky black boots, yellow retard-jeans and big stupid glasses. At least they do in Pete's world.

Relief at the Kabbalah Center

Fake musician Pink has chosen Scientology as her fad pseudo-religion. "Pink is in the beginning stages of checking out the religion, but she has taken to it and she wants to get more involved," a source said. Pink has apparently turned to Scientology to help her get over her split from Carey Hart. Oh Jesus Pink - just go on a little bender and get on with your life. Fuck, what is with all these asses and their turning to religion to get over things? "Oh I'm so broken up because my marriage failed. I need to comfort myself by spending thousands of dollars on a bunch of books dreamed up by a maniac science-fiction hack who was high on mushrooms. Cause the books dreamed up 2000 years ago by a bunch of goat-humping maniacs on mushrooms aren't cool enough for me." Such self-importance.

Glad I Live in America...

Italian comic Sabrina Guzzanti faces five years in jail after savaging Pope Nazidick at an anti-Vatican rally in Rome. Guzzanti speculated on the changing face of Italy over the next 20 years, given the church's increased interference in the nation's affairs, then mocked, "But then, within 20 years the Pope will be where he ought to be — in Hell, tormented by great big poofter devils, and very active ones, not passive ones." And that's enough to get you arrested in Italy? Joking that the Pope is going to Hell to be ass-fucked by demons with flaming tridents for dicks for all eternity? Holy shit. Remind me never to do my repertoire of Pope getting anally-raped by Satan's minions jokes if I'm in Italy. Those Vatican sunabitches have no sense of humor at all. Honestly. Oh, and by the way - the Pope can lick my balls with his forked devil-tongue. He's nothing but a child-toucher who likes biting the heads off puppies and drinking their blood. What you got under that giant hat, Pope? Your kiddie-porn stash? I wonder if the Pope suffers any guilt over all the suffering in the world when he's buying another pair of Prada shoes. Oh, that's right - the Pope doesn't actually own anything. He just borrows other people's stuff. Christ, when will these bastards just admit what flamers they are?

At Least it's Not Nicolas Cage...

Michael Douglas is reportedly being pursued by Steven Soderbergh to play Liberace in a new biopic by the director. I'm assuming they would be using CGI on Douglas - unless the whole idea of this movie is that Liberace was actually a peat bog mummy. They can cast Douglas if they want - I'm just glad they went away from Nicolas Cage who was rumored to be interested in this part for years. Cage now sucks the interest from everything he touches and makes it insufferably lame. Which is sad because he used to be a fantastic wild-man sort of actor. I'm guessing they'll be doing the whole tortured homo angle with Liberace. They better get the rings right, is all I'm saying.

As Bad as You Imagined...

The Olsen Twins are making no friends in the West Village where they've recently begun renting two floors of a brownstone. Residents say the mutant moguls have essentially taken over an entire block of West 13th street with their "military style" operation, which includes bullying bodyguards and a fleet of GMC Denalis that they leave idling at the curb in the wee hours while they run inside "in their little club outfits" to fix their make-up or snort blow or whatever. "It is a peaceful, quiet street," one angry person said. "Plenty of other celebrities around this block [Sarah Jessica Parker, Liv Tyler, Gisele Bundchen and Julianne Moore] are good neighbors and blend in with the neighborhood - but these two are invaders." One incident reportedly had the sisters' bodyguards ordering people to leave a stoop so they could enter their building without being bothered by peasants. "If there were significant issues, you would think that the neighbors would address Ashley or Mary-Kate directly, rather than calling the media," a rep said of the accusations. Yeah - unless neither Ashley nor Mary-Kate will allow mere mortals to address them.

So Much for Buddhism

Amy Winehouse turned to Buddhism in hopes of finding inner-peace. That lasted about, what, five minutes? Now she's back getting wasted. Some people said she looks jaundiced. She just looks like hell period. I can't believe she's actually still alive.

No One's That Happy

Emmy Rossum's a cute girl but there's something wrong with her. I bet she's one of those compulsive sink-scrubbers. It just never shines enough, does it Emmy?

Hey Leighton - how's your mom doing? She out yet?

The Original Chinzilla

Jennifer Aniston after a couple two three cocktails. She's just getting warmed up. The next morning: Jennifer in another strange apartment, covered in dog hair.

I Guess

America Ferrera thinks shows like Gossip Girl, 90210 and The Hills are bad for young women because it teaches them to be conniving little bitches. "Close, genuine female relationships are not what generally gets depicted in movies and TV shows," America tells Seventeen. "Like, if you're watching The Hills or 90210, all the backstabbing shapes the way we act – you go to school, and you think your job is to find a sworn enemy and be jealous of each other."

Eh...it's all just feminism isn't it? Go out there and be aggressive and do whatever you have to in order to make it in the cruel world men have fashioned. So America thinks girls should be timid and nice and cutesy and let men have all the goodies? I suppose she also thinks women should spend their days vacuuming and washing and cooking. Well, we're on the same page on that one.

Shiny Jacket

I like Justin Timberlake's shiny jacket. It says, "I may like to dress like a redneck truck-stop denizen in my battered cap and t-shirt and paint-spattered jeans, but I'm still Hollywood." And Biel? "I may be a dude, but I still have nice tits."

She Had a Boyfriend?

Mischa Barton has broken up with her boyfriend Taylor Locke, the guitarist from the band Rooney. "It just didn't work out," a source explained. Didn't work out for Locke, who got sick of his friends making fun of him for going out with Mischa Barton.

Memento mori

Most Worthless

Nicole Kidman has been named the most overpaid Hollywood star by Forbes magazine. The rag says Kidman's films made only $1 for every dollar the actress was paid, with her disastrous horror movie The Invasion actually losing $2.68 for every dollar of the $17 million she was given to appear. The eternally pregnant Jennifer Garner finished second on the list, with an average of $3.60 made for every dollar she was compensated. Tom Cruise finished 3rd, largely thanks to the bomb Lions for Lambs. The remainder of the top 10:

4. Cameron Diaz
5. Jennifer Lopez
6. Jim Carrey
7. Nicolas Cage
8. Drew Barrymore
9. Will Ferrell
10. Cate Blanchett

Easy Access

How thoughtful of J-Ho to wear a little ladder so her tiny slaves can climb up and re-apply her make-up and do maintenance on her hair. It was a bitch for them having to rappel down from the ceiling all the time. They may be from another planet but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be treated with respect.

I Just Remembered Why I Was Down on Obama...

I'm in a pickle friends. On the one hand, my love of celebrity misery makes me want very badly to have Barack Obama lose and all his Hollywood supporters become blubbering wrecks screaming about how they're going to move to Belize (of course they never make good on their promise). On the other hand, I honestly believe a Sarah Palin vice presidency would move us one giant step closer to America becoming some kind of nightmare religio-fascist dystopia where crazies and homopeople will be electro-shocked into submission if not outright burned at the stake. So whom do I root for? Juggy and his empty hopeful rhetoric or Crip-Arms and his manufactured maverickism? God damn it why does life have to be so complicated?

Stupid Ass

Kanye West and his assistant were arrested at LAX for attacking a TMZ photographer and breaking both the guy's cameras. TMZ says Kanye broke the dude's still camera, then his assistant smashed the guy's video camera - but not before he got tape of a raging Kanye that TMZ promises to run later today. The cops say Kanye and the assistant will be booked for felony vandalism. He continues to go unpunished for all his other crimes against humanity including being a gigantic asshole. That being said, he's a terrific rapper.

That Makes One

Kirsten Dunst on the contented new place she's reached in her life since going to rehab:

Listen, I'm happy single or not single. Now I love me, so I'm okay.

People like Kirsten are the reason self-help books sell so well. She's probably big on Purpose Driven Life and all that crap. She also reportedly has a framed copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Code of Honor that Tom Cruise gave her when they were shooting Interview With the Vampire and she was about 12. Miracle she didn't end up his child-bride. Actually, Tom probably dodged a bullet on that one.

I Thought the French Had Taste...

Notorious drunken boob-flasher and sometime "actress" Tara Reid has become engaged to French fashion mogul Julien Jarmoune. The Enquirer says Reid and Jarmoune fell in love while researching her new fashion line Mantra. That's the one I posted on a couple weeks ago where it's all different colors and the colors have different meanings. Yeah, she thought it up when she was drunk. But she managed to sell this Jarmoune guy on it so good for her. Reid's friends say Jarmoune has been a good influence on her. She's down to three six-packs a day.

Is She a Hobbit?

Bette Midler is really short. Dear Bette, please do us a favor and kick Blake Lively in the balls.

Congratulations, You're a Blip on the Radar

Former pop star Eric Carmen got busted for DUI. TMZ says he hit a fire hydrant, then blew a .23. And cops found a bottle of Grey Goose in the front seat. Other than that he was all by himself.

Just Don't Go Driving With Him...

I can't squeeze any juice out of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr. They're what Pete Doherty and Kate Moss would've been if you took away the drugs, the public misbehavior and the talent. Orlando needs to get in a fight with a Walgreens security guard or something.

Funny, I Don't Feel Sucked Into a Black Hole...

They turned on the LHC this morning and we're all still here. No black holes. No rips in the space-time continuum allowing slimy alien monsters to come through and make us their sex slaves. No giant Elvises crawling out of the Alps to scare all the Frenchies back into their holes. Nothing. Just a bunch of geeks popping champagne and thinking about all the ass they'll get after they win their Nobel Prize. Of course there are still alarmist nitwits out there who'll insist this thing is going to destroy humanity. These people also think there's an invisible man living in the sky who possesses the power to create everything in the universe yet has nothing better to do than watch us glorified monkeys to make sure we don't touch our private parts. They'll be voting for Crip-Arms and Madame Moose Killer, obviously.

Just Say it Matt...

Matt Damon agrees with me that Sarah Palin as president would be terrifying. He claims his fear arises from her inexperience but you know what he's really thinking - she's a religious nut who will turn the country into some kind of Medieval nightmare of witch-burnings and people being stretched on the rack for not conforming.

Fifth Degree Black Belt in Douchebaggery

Brody Jenner...master of douchejitsu.

Lipstick Smear

Obama's getting heat because he allegedly referred to The Alaskan Antichrist as a pig. No, he was using a common expression. But of course the heinous right-wing assholes are filling YouTube with videos like the above, which are cut to suggest the "lipstick on a pig" line was a direct slam on Palin. Here's the full context of Obama's line:



Some would say, "Well, it's Juggy's fault for giving the Rovian slimebuckets ammunition." Here's the problem though - the McCain-Palin people will take anything and everything Juggy says out of context and twist it around and make it look bad for him. So, basically, anything that crosses his lips is ammunition. If you're sucker enough to think he was really trying to call Palin a pig, well, then you're probably sucker enough to vote for John McLame and the Schlocky Hockey Mom.

Rageaholic

Alec Baldwin lost it again, this time because a limo got in his way as he was trying to leave a parking lot in his BMW. "He just drove his car into the Town Car in his impatience to exit the parking lot," said a witness. "It was hilarious." Maybe he thought his daughter Ireland was inside the limo. She tends to irritate him.

Dazed and Confused

Kirsten Dunst is so out of it, she doesn't even know she's been dating Justin Long for weeks. "I don't know him from Adam," she told Harper's Bazaar when asked about the relationship. "I met him once and he and his friend were kind enough to walk me home. I've never seen him since." Who does she think that guy is in the pictures then? Crap, she needs another stint in rehab. I don't think the first one took.

Mommy Evilest

Lynne Spears has released her idiotic book about the trials and tribulations of a Hollywood mom. In it she says that, if she had it to do over again, she would still let Britney and Jamie Lynn pursue show-biz careers. "I think you have to let them follow their dreams," she told People. "I think it would be worse in the end if you didn't." Yeah, worse for your bank account. Of course nothing matters but the little ones' dreams, right Lynne? Especially when they dovetail nicely with your dreams. Like the dream of not having to work another day in your life. So what if they completely ruin their lives in the process? They may be miserable but at least you have a nice house and a nice car and people at your beck-and-call 24 hours a day. No, I didn't expect her to come clean about what a heinous human being she is.

Buck-Toothed Liar

Anne Hathaway took her time and got her bullshit together and now she's ready to "open up" about the arrest of her criminal boyfriend Raffaelo Follieri. "As soon as I found out about the arrest, I had to get on a plane to Mexico to do a press tour for Get Smart," she told the magazine W. "And then I spent a week in shock at a friend's house." In shock? Why would you have been in shock when you already knew he was going to be arrested and were in fact responsible for him being arrested? Who are you trying to kid with this stuff Anne? Everyone knows you ratted him out. No one really blames you for it either - he was scum and you realized it wasn't worth sacrificing your career for him so you sold him out. Anyone in your position, who had no personal integrity whatsoever, would've done the same. By the way, I heard there was an opening in the McCain-Palin campaign for someone with a stone heart and no scruples...

Worst Miscasting Ever?

Got a chuckle out of Variety's article about Jessica Alba's new role:

Jessica Alba will topline modern-day fable "An Invisible Sign of My Own." ... "Invisible" revolves around a young woman who has retreated from the world and is consumed by numbers and math. Things begin to change when she becomes a second-grade math teacher.

I'm having a hard time picturing Jessica Alba as someone who's consumed with numbers and math. Consumed with getting manicures and buying shoes maybe. Consumed with denying her ethnic heritage. Consumed with boring the living piss out of anyone with an IQ over 75 every time she pops up on a movie screen. All these would be credible possibilities for an Alba role. But some kind of reclusive math genius? Um...no.

The Keds Deal Ain't Working Out

Mischa Barton is launching her own line of headbands in partnership with designer Stacey Lapidus. "Accessories are fun and they're easy to wear," explained Mischa. "I've always loved headbands and have worn Stacey's headbands for a while." Mischa will be making the headbands herself, using skills she learned in the boobyhatch. They're made of wicker.

Satan Twins

When did Posh and J-Ho become bestest buddies? These asses are supposed to do press releases when they start hanging out with each other so we can get our insults ready. Now I have to come up with something on the fly. Um...er...oh fuck, I've used them all. Two heinous bitches who think the world revolves around their twats. I'm surprised they can both occupy the same room given how huge their egos are. J-Ho is probably only using Posh to get in good with Tom and Katie. She wants to trade up from Leah Remini, Scientology-buddy-wise.

Like an Old Crank

Madonna is 50 but still acts like a naughty 12-year-old defying her parents. Here we see the Immaterial Girl dedicating a performance of "Like a Virgin" to the Pope. She even says it in a mischievous little-girl voice. This act was sort of amusing and titillating back in the '80s but now it's incredibly pathetic. Just go away Madonna, and take your smelly, used-up vagina with you.

He Just Signed His Death Warrant

Tom Cruise is probably fuming this morning, after a report saying slave Katie Holmes's old Dawson's Creek co-star and boyfriend Joshua Jackson dropped in on her unexpectedly as she was rehearsing her play in New York. Some rag called Grazia claims Jackson, who is himself involved with actress Diane Kruger, got worried about Katie after seeing pictures of her in a tabloid and decided to look in. "Katie has been looking skinny and depressed and, like any concerned friend, rather than do nothing Joshua wanted to check everything was OK," a source said. "They haven't spoken in awhile and, naturally, he was worried. So he just decided to drop by. It was really sweet, he just turned up unexpectedly with a bunch of flowers and said: 'Hello stranger.' Katie was shocked, but so happy to see him. It was a wonderful surprise. She gave him such a big hug.'" And then whispered, "Run away now Josh. Run far away." It was nice knowing you kid.

Um...No Thanks

Some repulsive individual is selling a pair of Michael Jackson's Calvin Klein briefs on eBay. They were originally confiscated as evidence in one of Wacko's child molestation cases so I'm assuming they're all crusty with jizz and God only knows what. Sorry - I should've saved this one until after everyone was done eating breakfast. Whoever buys these - the reserve price is $1 million which seems wishful to me - should immediately have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. I'd buy a towel soaked in the Unabomber's ballsweat before I'd even look at anything that had touched Michael Jackson's privates. Oh God - picture some perv holding Wacko's briefs to their nose and inhaling deeply. That's it, I have to stop...

Maybe Next Time

Pete Wentz has revealed that he and a friend once played Russian Roulette while hopped up on booze and pills. "I pulled a trigger on a gun aimed at myself," the Emo douche told Playboy. "My friend and I did one pull each. We'd been drinking and had taken Ambien. I feel stupid even talking about it. It's one of the reasons I've never owned a gun - I'm too impulsive. I'd probably get mad and shoot someone over a part in a song or something."

Yeah Pete - you're such a hard-ass. I can tell by the tight, tight pants and eyeliner and eternal hang-dog aura. Gosh, would've been a shame for you to blow your brains out recreating a scene from The Deer Hunter. Huge loss to humanity. Really, really awful.

No More Tears

Sienna Miller flew into LAX and got hounded by the paps and didn't even cry. She did apparently get into a nasty exchange with one when he asked her about being a homewrecker. "I'm sorry you're so unhappy as a person that you feel the need to say things... that you would never understand," Sienna shot back. Yeah, uh...good comeback there hon.

Do I Hate It?

Posh cut her hair really short. This is the kind of stuff I'm supposed to concern myself with. Well okay...hmm. I think I sort of like it. It's cute and it makes her seem less plastic and fake. It's the sort of thing a normal flesh and blood woman does when she's in the mood for something different. Of course we know there was nothing impulsive about this for Posh - she doesn't do anything spontaneously. She probably hired artists to do sketches of what she would look like. Bitch doesn't take a piss without someone drawing a storyboard first.

Farce

Miley Cyrus pretends to shop for school supplies. Yes I said "pretends." Does anyone think she's actually going to go to class? She's got almost a billion dollars for fuck sake - why doesn't she just drop-out? Oh, I know why - because the Disney fucks don't want her to set a bad example by quitting school. Please. 90% of her fans will get knocked up by 16 and drop-out anyway. All worthless white trash twats who will spend the rest of their lives getting impregnated by pipe-layers until the U.S. population soars past India and we all wind up living in pools of our own filth. And there are people crazy enough to oppose abortion? There should be booths set up where a chick can go in and get scraped in five minutes. And get her nails done and order popcorn chicken.

A Grain of Salt in a Pepper Shaker

Matt Damon poses with a group of Madonna's future children.

Thank God...

...no more pictures of pregnant Minnie Driver in her bikini. Yes the whale finally shat out her kid. Only one? He was 9 lbs., 12 oz. - and she named him Henry. Well fuck - what's the use of having a kid if you're not going to name him something stupid that will stick with him the rest of his life and make him miserable? Doesn't the bitch get that if you're a celeb it's your duty to ruin your child's life?

Bullshit

I don't care if you support McCain-Palin or not - you have to admit that this commercial is a load of shit. The "Original Mavericks?" Please.

Pregnant

We can now end the speculation over whether Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are expecting a baby - they are. It's not Eva carrying the child though. It's Tony. And it's gestating in his head. In a couple months he will look like this:

Perfect

Renee Zellweger and Venus Williams aren't dating but they should be. They would make the perfect lesbian couple.

Reassurance

Nicole Richie likes to have her picture taken with Harlow every couple of days - just to reassure us that the two of them are still alive. And that she hasn't sold Harlow on the black-market to cover her coke bill. A Starbucks cup is the perfect toy for a baby - until they're old enough to play with mommy's crackpipe.

She's Not Bush...

Sarah Palin has that annoying little Bush thing where she can't pronounce "nuclear" but says "nucular" instead. Obviously the woman is an idiot - but the Republicans still hope they can divest her of this particular Bushian verbal tick (anything that reminds us of Bush is of course bad). Rush & Molloy report that Sarah's people have even begun loading a phonetic spelling of "nuclear" into her teleprompter to remind her. Well, she can read off a teleprompter - the same as all those imbeciles on Fox News. At least she has a fall-back career after she and McLame get their asses kicked by Barack The Messiah Obama and Joe The Irish Pitbull Biden.