Tropic Thunder is this summer's alleged bust-out hilarious Hollywood lampoon the same way America's Sweethearts was several years ago. I'll concede that Tropic Thunder is funnier than America's Sweethearts - it's rawer and more raucous, and the stars involved are willing to go somewhat farther in skewering themselves and their colleagues. But is it really this poison arrow straight into the heart of Hollywood egomania? It's an arrow, just not a poison one - into the spleen maybe or perhaps a kidney. It leaves the heart entirely intact and that's kind of my issue with it. The film's not saying, "Hollywood is filled with ego-driven assholes who only care about profits and perks and landing primo tail;" it's saying, "Hollywood is filled with people who seem like ego-driven assholes who only care about blabbity-blah but underneath they're really good people who care about each other and isn't it lovely that we can all laugh at ourselves?" Like an actor in a fake fight, Tropic Thunder winds up big and showy but pulls its punch at the last second. I don't really blame Ben Stiller for it either. You think he wants to alienate the people he may one day need to bankroll Zoolander 2? Of course not. He wants to make fun of them but he also wants to flatter them. He knows how to invite them in on the joke - he gives them a chance to show what sports they are, then pats them on the back for having big hearts inside their puffed-up chests.
I could respect the movie more if it seemed like a real sucker-punch - if it seemed to dish all sorts of dirt - but the targets are really just the same old targets: dimwitted action stars trying to "stretch;" crazy Oscar-winning thespians all full of pretension; nutmunch directors and ass-kissing agents and hairy studio bosses with no souls. The story takes us to Vietnam where a group of Hollywood heavyweights are shooting a war movie based on a best-selling real-life 'Nam War account: Stiller plays Tugg Speedman the washed-up action hero, who is trying to rekindle his career by playing a "serious" role opposite the absurdly acclaimed and self-important Aussie Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey, Jr.). Lazarus has already played everything, including Neil Armstrong and a homosexual medieval monk - so there's nothing left but to surgically change himself into a black man (of course). There's also a fat strung-out comedian named Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black) who has made a name for himself with an Eddie Murphy multiple-role routine that is just an excuse for rampant flatulence (as if one needed an excuse). The director, Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan), is a stage guy who's in over his head on this huge mega-production. Having no idea how to get decent performances out of his absurd cast, Cockburn takes the advice of the book's writer, Four Leaf Tayback (Nick Nolte), a grizzled Vietnam vet who convinces him to drag his pampered cast into the real jungle and shoot the movie guerrilla-style. Here's where the premise begins straining itself: Cockburn exits the scene prematurely, leaving his actors stranded in the jungle and surrounded by heroin growers who think they're DEA agents. The actors have to become "real soldiers" to survive, but of course they're prissy and spoiled and disaster soon befalls them. This is the setting for what is ostensibly a scathing attack-job on show biz and all its foibles.
There's nothing especially wrong with squeezing these particular zits all over again - except that there's a big-ass tumor that needs ripping out, and no one quite has the guts to go in and get it. Fine - I'll accept Tropic Thunder on its own somewhat cowardly terms. I'll talk about how amusing Ben Stiller is as the Tom Cruise-type action star whose big Oscar-grab retard performance fizzled, who's now trying to prove himself by playing a war hero in a giant prestigious epic that's not even a sequel. Stiller is the master of ingratiatingly half-mean performances. He plays stupid in a smart way that never seems condescending and never makes you say, "Yeah, but he's letting some smarts squirt out so we'll know he's only pretending." He knows we know he's only pretending - plus there's something about his face that makes him uniquely qualified to play likable vapidness (he looks degenerate and monkeyish). And did I mention the bold move of actually casting Tom Cruise in a movie that partially lampoons Tom himself? Tom plays the evil movie mogul Les Grossman (Jewish name, but nary a hint of Jewish stereotyping). Tom may be trying to send up every fat, bald, evil bastard he's ever met, but mostly he's just milking the idea of himself in such a role. And the movie milks the same idea too. The actual performance is blah. Tom curses a lot and does an awkward hip-hop dance, but nothing he does is actually funny by itself, and Grossman never emerges as the sharp satiric sketch he might've been in the hands of a real actor.
I called the Cruise casting a "bold" move, but I was being sarcastic. It might've been bold had Stiller's performance really targeted Cruise, but it only does so vaguely - Stiller and company don't have the balls to get into Scientology madness and gay rumors and all that other Cruisian stuff. It soft-pedals; and there are other seemingly great ideas that never come together either. Take Robert Downey, Jr. as Lazarus, the Australian artiste attempting the insane stunt of transforming himself into a brother. Downey is funny with his low voice and jive-talk, but the joke is supposed to be how offended the one real black guy in the cast is at the outrageousness of a white man stealing the role he should've gotten. Here is the stuff of wild, boundary-pushing comedy right? In a gutsier movie, yes - in this one? A mild poke at the PC crowd is all we get. Of course the other black guy, a rapper named Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson), is smarter than the preening ghetto travesty he plays in his commercials hawking a soda called Booty Sweat. No attempt is made to burst the balloon of a hip-hop culture that's grown as full of itself as white-dominated Hollywood ever was. Truth is, the movie doesn't seem sure what to do with Alpa - once you get past the name and a couple of okay exchanges with Lazarus, all that's left is a lame tip-toe job around and away from anything that might genuinely offend anyone (He's gay? Really? Gosh...).
The sad truth, movie-going public, is that political correctness has denutted even our politically incorrect movies. Stiller gets laughs as a bad actor pretending to be mentally challenged, but the blow is cushioned because, as Stiller has taken pains to point out, the joke isn't on retarded people at all, it's on actors who think they can win awards for playing retarded people. The film-within-a-film premise is not some great crackling comedic dynamo ready to send off sparks but a kind of dampening device. There's no racial humor - there's humor about the idea of racial humor. The only way to be mildly risque in a big Hollywood movie, apparently, is to come at everything from a safe angle, throwing off a reflection that to some people looks sharper and harsher than it is. It's done with mirrors. It's not as cute and narcissistic and limp as America's Sweethearts, but neither is it the grenade in the tailpipe of Hollywood some have tried to portray it as. It's barely more diverting than the crass, bloated extravaganzas it wants to score points off of, and many of its big laughs come from routines scarcely less debased than the gross ass-obsessed antics of Portnoy the fart-king (when in doubt go low and swear a lot). Hollywood should stick to making Batman movies and leave the satire to South Park.
Tropic Thunder
I Will Never Look at Hilary Duff the Same Way Again
This weekend I had occasion to see the anti-Iraq satire War, Inc. starring John Cusack and Marisa Tomei. Some funny stuff, a little William Klein-esque but with much more heart than Klein, some chintzy staging creating a semi-surreal quality that may have been intentional. Not a bad film as those things go. There was one element that really took me aback though - the performance of Hilary Duff. She plays a girl named Yonica Babyyeah, a Middle Eastern Britney Spears who prances and tarts it up but is actually a scared, confused little mess underneath the make-up and poses. Cusack plays a government hit man posing as a trade show producer; Yonica tries to seduce him but her efforts only make him ill, then he discovers her sensitive side and it clicks home that she's his path to redemption and all that jazz. Anyway, I was surprised at how good Duff was in some of the emotional scenes. I was also shocked at one point to realize that I had just watched Hilary Duff stick a scorpion down her pants and tell a guy to reach down and retrieve it. They grow up so fast. Anyhoo, Hilary Duff just moved a notch ahead of the other frivolous little starlets in my mind. There's talent there.
Berry's Kid
There's the first clear picture of Halle Berry's kid Simba (or whatever). I count ten fingers and ten toes. A fine-looking specimen of babyhood all around. So you can stop secretly wishing for the kid to be deformed or ugly or whatever. Yeah, you know some of you were. Sadistic fuckers out there.
Three Dudes
How come Brad and George aren't wearing dresses too? Tilda Swinton has bigger balls than either of them.
Bad Baldwin
Alec Baldwin refuses to let the whole Kim Basinger thing rest. "Think I'm walking stiffly?" he said to a reporter interviewing him for the New Yorker. "Yeah, there's a 120-pound actress on my back." Baldwin then spoke of Basinger's systematic efforts to alienate him from their daughter Ireland:
Parental alienation is about people who narcissistically project their whole reality onto a child: "I don't need you, so the child doesn't need you." The goal of the alienating parent is to kill contiguous time. People need reliability. They need regularity. And I've been the victim of a campaign to kill all that. You wind up being more an uncle than a father.
A verbally abusive uncle in your case Alec. Kind of funny, you accusing anyone else of being narcissistic. Getting rid of you was the sanest thing Basinger ever did.
To Those Who're Bothered By the Palin Pick...
It could've been worse.
A lot worse.
Drunk and Loud
This is the kind of guy who's always buying me drinks. Except they don't ever look like George Clooney. More like George Wendt. I bet you didn't know I was actually an overweight 40-year-old woman. Jokes on you fuckers!!!
Typical Obama Supporters
The Democratic Convention was a great place to hang out if you wanted to run into some stars. Place was lousy with them. And they're all going to be crying and bawling and screaming racism when Jug-Ears gets his scrawny ass handed to him by old man McCain in November. I can hardly wait.
Fakest Smile Ever
Reese Witherspoon wears her "pretending to like the peasants" smile. You know what that face says to me? "Don't come any closer to me or I'll scream and sic security on you."
Strategery
John McCain's pick of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as running mate is a pure chess move. Let's try to grab some of those women who are pissed about Hillary Clinton getting snubbed by Obama. Let's get someone young and attractive to balance off McCain's old, grizzled image. Let's throw someone in there against Joe Biden who, when he beats on her in the debates, can sniffle a bit and make him look like a mean bully. The Republicans are not dumb, kids. That's why they have a great shot to still knock off Jug-Eared Jesus.
Lose the Glasses Hon
Kate Cruise needs to lose the big dumb Jackie O. glasses. Sorry, but that look just screams 2007 to me. She also needs to stop letting Tom cut her hair.
Fat Fiend
I'm still waiting for Alec Baldwin to announce that he'll move to France if John McCain becomes president. Of course it has nothing really to do with ideology or principle - it's all about winning. These bastards get mad because their guy loses which makes them feel like losers so they get all bitter and whiny and act like someone took their Mercedes away. I'm actually rooting for Obama to lose now just so I can watch the aftermath. All these Hollywood phonies screaming and yelling and saying the fix was in. Oh man, I'm gonna make a whole big honking bowl of popcorn and just park myself in front of CNN.
Creepy Vibe
Orlando Bloom gives me a creepy vibe. I have a sneaking suspicion that if we knew what was really going on in this guy's life we'd all be revolted by it. He has snakes and spiders and all sorts of other creepy-crawlies in his head.
Is There Anyone in That Family Who's Not a Creep?
Lindsay Lohan's uncle Paul Sullivan has been given a year in jail for obtaining a small business loan by fraudulently claiming to have suffered losses after 9/11. Is there any question as to the nature of that whole family? What a bunch of con-artists and hustlers they are?
It's Called Birth Control
Angelina Jolie is being run ragged by the stresses of caring for newborn twins. "She's in tears up to three times a day and so tired that Brad's found her collapsed asleep in the bath twice," a source reports. "She's been working around the clock, breast-feeding the babies and trying to get them to sleep. But as soon as one of them drops off, the other wakes up for another feed. She's also not eating very much right now and blames that on being busy. The doctor says that she needs more calories to gain strength and ensure that her breast milk is healthy."
I don't think anything could ever make Angie's breast milk healthy - I'd rather suck milk straight out of a cow that had been mainlining rBGH. I suppose some people feel sorry for poor Angie but I don't. No one made her have two more kids. It's not like she's some poor, ignorant African who thinks condoms are the work of the devil. She's fully informed about her options and doesn't have weird superstitions or a domineering man forcing her legs open. Stupid bitch is just addicted to babies. She loves that feeling of someone being utterly dependent on her. Her twisted psyche needs that sort of helpless, clinging, uncomplicated love. So, no matter how much misery she suffers, she'll just keep pumping out more kids until her reproductive system is completely shot. And then she'll adopt more. It will never be enough for her and her gaping maw of a soul.
Drooling Perv Seeks Help
David Duchovny has checked into rehab to treat his serial fornication problem. "I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction," the actor said in a statement. "I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family." Translation: I am a disgusting adulterer, but instead of just owning up to this, I've elected to pretend it's all some kind of genetic predisposition and I'm just a helpless victim. Whimpering little candy-ass. Tea Leoni should take a butcher knife to his shaft.
Overboard
The stage upon which Barack Obama will tonight accept the Democratic nomination for President of the United State. Nice and understated. Mussolini would've approved.
Get a Life Pope
A museum in Italy is displaying this statue of a crucified frog and for some reason the pope is pissed off about it. "[The statue] has offended the religious feelings of many people who consider the cross a symbol of God's love and of our redemption," the pontiff wrote in a letter to the president of the region where the museum is located. Art experts claim the statue is actually an ironic self-portrait of the man who created it, the late Martin Kippenberger. I just think it would be hilarious on top of a Christmas tree.
Always Ready for a Slumber Party
Michael Jackson goes to Planet Hollywood in his pajama bottoms. A great way to make people stop thinking about his child-molesting tendencies - wearing his PJs everywhere he goes. This guy's a fucking PR genius. Plus I see he's adopted Katie Holmes's taste in eyewear.
Nightmare
Hillary Clinton got into an over-crowded elevator Wednesday night after her husband Bill's big speech, and found herself stranded for five minutes when it got stuck between floors. Reports say things got "hectic" inside the stalled lift. Wow - it's like someone looked into my mind and ripped out my worst nightmare and made it real. Except I wasn't on the elevator with that bitch thank God.
Poor Bastard
Naomi Campbell's billionaire boyfriend Vladimir Doronin has laid out $18.5 million to buy her a penthouse in Sao Paolo, Brazil - this after Naomi fell in love with the country and told Vladimir she wanted to settle down there. Yeah, I can see where Naomi would dig a place like Sao Paolo. There are plenty of starving people to hire to do menial tasks for you, like lick the sweat off your face, and you can beat the shit out of them or even kill them and pretty much nothing will happen to you. I hope this Doronin is getting his money's worth.
Even K-Mart Won't Carry This Crap
Tara Reid has announced that she's coming out with her own clothing line, to be called "Mantra." "All the clothes will mean something," Tara explained. "Red shirts mean love, white is peace, green is for luck - you get the picture." What's the color for drunk off your ass?
I have to think Tara was joking about this - I refuse to believe anyone would actually lay out money for Tara Reid to have her own clothing line. And if someone actually did...well, there is just way too much money in the world. We need to start burning some of it to keep it from falling into the wrong hands.
Another Crappy Celeb Dad
Hilary Duff's father Bob has been ordered to jail for 10 days for contempt of court after violating an injunction against selling his assets. He must also pay into a court repository the $367,537 he reportedly earned for selling the stocks. The injunction was slapped on him because he's in the middle of divorcing Hilary's mom Susan. I'm amazed Hilary doesn't seem more messed up than she does considering what an obvious piece of shit situation she was born into. You'd think with so many crazy dirtbag genes floating around in her she'd be less, you know, boring.
Her Heart Does Not Belong to Daddy
Lindsay Lohan and her father Michael appeared to have reconciled there for about a minute, but now that's come to a crashing end, as Lindsay made clear by posting the following on her MySpace blog:
He has become a public embarrassment and a bully – to my family, my co-workers, my friends and a girl that means the world to me.
This in the wake of Michael's assertion that Lindsay was drinking again, and wasn't working, and it was all Samantha Ronson's fault. And then came the rumor that Sam was planning to write a tell-all, to which Michael responded:
Samantha is using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some Los Angeles deejay. And now she's writing a book?
Lindsay came back at this by insisting that Sam "has not, and would never" sell her out. Okay Linds. So she had your permission to call the paps that night you were passed out in the front of her car?
She seems really concerned about your well-being there. But that was awhile ago now - you've grown closer since then. She would never sell you out now...for less than $50,000
I hate to ever admit that Michael Lohan is right, but this time, he's right. Sam Ronson is clearly a parasite. Unfortunately, so is Michael. Takes one to know one. Michael's not so much worried about Lindsay's heart being broken as he's concerned that he's not getting his piece of the pie anymore. I understand his anxiety but have to question his approach. If he wants to break them up, hectoring them in public is not the way to do it. Finesse is not in this guy's playbook.
Charlie Spawn
Charlie Sheen's woman Brooke Mueller is knocked up. And yes, Charlie did the knocking up...I'll assume until the DNA test comes back. Brooke seems less crazy than Denise but then again I've never heard her speak or actually seen her except for pictures like this. She could be daffy as fuck for all I know. Apparently, genetically, crazy doesn't cancel crazy. Those kids of Charlie and Denise's are going to be batshit.
Frozen Like That
Remember when they used to have Christmas Specials? God, what a horrible thing to even remember. Thank goodness they put those things out to pasture. Otherwise J-Ho would've done one by now, and it would've looked just like that picture. A Very J-Ho Christmas, co-starring Marc Anthony, Andy Williams (cause he was in every damn Christmas Special ever), Kathie Lee Gifford and Rage Against the Machine.
Kate Hudson Watch
I've got Kate Hudson in the Who Will John Mayer Fuck Next pool. After the Aniston debacle, Mayer will want to soften his image by having some pics taken with a kid. Unless he plans on kidnapping one or trying to pry Jennifer Garner away from Ben Affleck, I say he hooks up with Hudson.
Debonair
Brad Pitt and George Clooney show what they would've worn to the James Bond audition had anyone invited them. Sorry dweebs, but neither one of you can touch Daniel Craig. And I know you both want to.
Somebody's Been Drinking
Brad Pitt and George Clooney attended a fundraiser for some Darfur-related charity in Venice. Brad looks like he needed a little help negotiating the camera-line. Get him away from Angelina and he just becomes a wild man. All that pent-up rage...
Jen Sucks Grandpa Breath
Jennifer Aniston went to dinner with Woody Allen and Soon Yi at Madeo yesterday. I'd be worried about Woody making a pass at Jen but she's way past the sell-by date as far as that old perv is concerned. Of course, a guy like Woody would probably be good for Jen right now. She needs an older man after that immature putz John Mayer. Hey, Ernest Borgnine! If she can tear him away from his fuck-mags and his roll of Bounty.
Darn
Nobodies Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan have decided to call off their engagement, which had been in place since March of 2006. See kids? That's how you do it. Give it time to see if you can really stand the person. Don't rush into anything. Now these two won't have to go through all that divorce and other nonsense. They can skip straight to the make-up sex.
What Happened to Kelly Osbourne?
A. She found out the hard way that your skull is not good for hammering tent spikes.
B. She let Ozzy put in her contact lens for her.
C. She said the wrong thing to Pixie Geldof.
D. She saw herself in the mirror, thought her head was a pimple and...
E. Someone finally gave the little cunt what was coming to her.
Daddy Suspicious
Lindsay Lohan seems to have gotten her life together and her husband Sam Ronson is getting most of the credit. The only person not buying this is Lindsay's father Michael who thinks Sam is anything but a good influence on Linds. "I’ve been up and down the road [in discussions] with my ex-wife [Dina] and it’s to the point now that I’m going to confront Samantha and Jenny Muro [Lindsay’s production assistant] myself," Michael revealed. Why? He thinks Lindsay is wasting her life with Ronson and that Sam has encouraged her to get back on the sauce. "Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse," Michael said. And here's the kicker: "Sam is using my daughter. My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam. Even my ex-wife knows it. She just isn’t doing anything about it." Um, Mikey - maybe the reason Dina isn't "doing anything about it" is that Lindsay is over 21 and can fuck and drink with whoever the hell she pleases? What a psychotic meathead this guy is. You just know he prowls around in the bushes spying on Lindsay. Fuck sake dude, leave the girl alone. You had your turn at ruining her life - let someone else take over.
Paps Dump Mayer
John Mayer went from pap-magnet to pap-repellent in about the time it took him to text Jennifer Aniston that it was over. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell John because he still thinks he's the shit. "He thinks he’s famous as Jen now," one snitchy pap said. "Last week he went to a party, tipped off the paps, and even had decoy cars at the ready when he was leaving. Nice, but no one bothered to follow them, which made John think he ‘lost’ everyone, when really no one bothered to follow him." The pap said pictures of John and Jen were selling for $20,000 at one point, but pics of Mayer alone now fetch around $200 each. How long before the hopeless attention-whore has snagged himself another pap-attracting Hollywood bitch? Kate Hudson anyone?
Can't Hide It
Pam Anderson can cake on all the make-up she wants - she can no longer hide the fact that she's an old, washed-up, fucked-out tramp. So what does she do now? Fall back on her talent? Yeah, that's a good one. Her sole talent was having breasts that jiggled as she ran down the beach in a bathing suit. Now the sun melts her face and her breasts keep exploding. She'll probably hook up with Tommy Lee and make another sex-tape. If she can rouse Tommy from his drug stupor long enough for him to shove his half-erect prick in what's left of her pussy.
Brad Pax Maddox
The Venice Film Festival is about to start I guess - or maybe already has started, how the hell should I know. Anyway Brad is there with Maddox and Pax. Brad has that new Coen Brothers movie coming out, Burn After Reading, where he plays a hapless guy who flails his limbs around a lot. The only thing worse than Brad serious is Brad wacky. Remember 12 Monkeys? He got an Oscar nomination for that - cause he went cross-eyed and flipped everyone the bird for 2 hours. A kid with Down Syndrome could've given the exact same performance. But the Academy loves it when pretty people play ugly or dirty or crazy. They call this "playing against type." Even though the pretty people are all ugly, dirty maniacs underneath.
Loser Wipes Out
Warning!!! Turn the volume down on your speakers before hitting play on this video or your eardrums may begin spitting blood!!!
Demi Lovato wipes out while running around on-stage at a show in Chicago. Demi is Selena Gomez's friend and they rip Miley Cyrus. Or is she Miley's best friend and they rip Selena? I can't keep the Disney whores straight anymore. There are about a hundred of them and they all suck the Jonas Brothers' dicks.
Smiling Through the Tears
Aniston's gonna plaster a fake smile on her face any time she sees a camera around. It could be some guy who's not even taking a picture of her - here comes the smile. Oh I'm so happy without John. Lalala. Wanna buy some Smart Water? How about a slightly-used diaphragm. Kill meeeeee!!!!
Fat Ass
When did Russell Crowe turn into your sister's fat douchey boyfriend who insists on whipping out his guitar to butcher Little River Band tunes every time there's a family get-together? He drives a van full of tools that clunk around whenever you turn a corner. He uses his Marlboro miles to order shit in the mail. A fireproof sleeping bag!!!
Nocturnal Thrashing
How creepy would it be to go out for a midnight dip with your fiancee and find pictures of the thing splashed all over the place the next morning? That's Uma Thurman and her guy by the way. Yeah, the paps follow Uma Thurman around. I'm beginning to think there are way too many paps.
Good Luck With That One Dear
Stick figure Alessandra Ambrosio is trying to broker a deal with a celeb mag to run pictures of her new baby Anja Louise. Stick to selling pictures of your ass hon - that's the only part of you anyone cares about.
Someone's Trying to Tell Her Something
Martha Stewart has had not one but two close encounters with lightning bolts this summer. A white pine on her farm was hit early in the season, then a second bolt hit her Hamptons beach house and fried her electronic sprinkler system, stereo and driveway gate. "Thank goodness for a comprehensive home-insurance policy," Stewart commented. "And I'm just so grateful that the house didn't catch fire, causing much more major damage and heartbreak." I thought God had better aim than that.
Look What Just Washed Up
Now the ocean is filled with dolphin and seal puke. Katie might want to look into sunscreen at some point. She's still not as unsightly as Minnie Driver.
You think a bunch of windmills would wreck your view...
Hair Thief
Kate Hudson and her hair stylist David Babaii are being sued for allegedly stealing a secret hair care product formula from a company they were once involved with. The suit says Hudson and Babaii entered into a verbal agreement with 220 Laboratories to market some wacky volcanic ash based hair crap, but the second 220 gave them the formula, they ran off with it and shopped it around in search of a better deal. That's good business sense right there. Of course Hudson's reps are denying she even knew anything about the deal. Their statement:
Kate and her attorneys are only just learning of the complaint, as Kate has not yet been served. Kate does not know the plaintiffs and has never met with them or spoken with them. Her representatives believe that the claims are baseless and without merit and intend to vigorously defend the lawsuit.
Kate should figure out some way to milk this for publicity. Cause God knows she could use some. It also wouldn't hurt for her to make a halfway decent movie.
Valkyrie Suit
Extras who worked on the Tom Cruise thriller Valkyrie are threatening to sue the film's producers over injuries they suffered during the shoot. 11 actors claim they were thrown from a truck, with 10 of them suffering minor dings and one needing hospitalization for a major boo-boo. At least they didn't end up like poor Vic Morrow. John Landis still can't get work in Hollywood because of that fiasco. Come to think of it, neither can Tom.
Tedious and Not the Least Bit Helpful
There's a new celebrity vs. John McCain flap, and this time it involves Madonna. Apparently, Vadge stuck a video montage in her new live show that put McCain in with Hitler and Zimbabwe's dictator Robert Mugabe, then featured Barack Obama alongside John Lennon and Gandhi. Oh Madonna, you're so daring - attacking someone's politics by comparing them to Hitler. Like that one isn't used on a daily basis by every asshole who calls in to talk radio. Madonna again proves how far behind the curve she is for someone who's supposed to be so on top of things. And of course John McCain's people, tonedeaf buffoons that they are, decided to respond to Madonna. They said in a statement:
The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time.It clearly shows that when it comes to supporting Barack Obama, his fellow worldwide celebrities refuse to consider any smear or attack off limits.
They tried making their Obama is nothing but a vapid celeb point again - it was weak to begin with and it hasn't aged well. And they made the same mistake as when they responded to Paris Hilton's response to the Obama ad - they made themselves look lame by trying to seem with it. McCain needs to just stay away from all the celeb stuff. Of course imbeciles like Madonna are going to rake him over the coals while fawning over Obama. And so what if she used the Hitler comparison? It's too trite to be shocking or outrageous or anything else. I do give her credit for whipping out Mugabe though. That's topical and of-the-moment. I just wonder how many of her fans even knew who the hell he was. They were all like, "Sidney Poitier? What the fuck?"
Mandy Moore Mystery Man
Mandy Moore gets snapped in the airport with some dude and voila she has a mystery man. Those pants are an unfortunate color - kind of uncooked lasagna. Mandy's doing the whole thing where she pretends she's not with the guy. To protect him. Nice of her. Like her scarf. Not really but it was something to say.
Ed Westwick Doesn't Pick Up Women
Gossip Girl star Ed Westwick has addressed rumors that he and co-star Chace Crawford are sexing each other up. "People think Chace is gay, and thought I was gay, that we were humping," said Westwick. "It's not true, but hilarious. People project their fantasies onto people. I've never been someone who makes it my objective to go out and pick up chicks. But I've met some fantastic ladies here [in America]. You know those amazing conversations where you find yourself in a café talking until 2 a.m. and never see them again."
Um, dude...the idea is to talk to them till 2 a.m. then get them to go somewhere with you so you can pound them. Oh, I see - you enjoy conversation with strange women in bars.
Gay.
Get Lost
Debra Messing has a new show. I saw a promo for it but I've already forgotten the name of it. They should just call it, "Irritating Redheaded Twat Who Used to Be On Will and Grace." I can't believe they were actually trying to push this bitch as a movie star there for about five minutes. Based on what? Getting a couple mild yuks on a sitcom? Why didn't they try to make a star out of Tina Yothers then or Tom Poston or Herb from WKRP? Messing needs to get out of my face before I smack her.
We Have a Winner
I don't know which of Julia Roberts' kids this is - Phinnaeus or Hazel or Wolfsbane or Agamemnon - but I do know that the kid is ugly and creepy. Hear that? Ugly and creepy. Oh, I know - it's bad to make fun of children. I don't care. I like to. Children are irritating little snot-spigots with big yaps who cry over stupid things like not getting a Happy Meal and having to take a bath. So, they deserve to get made fun of. Honestly people - the world population is fast crawling toward 10 billion. Don't you think it's about time to curb this procreation frenzy? Fuck for fun, sure - but stop with the babies already. You're not rabbits. You're not Mormons. You're normal, intelligent human beings (well, four or five of you are, anyway).
Live Long and Be a Dickhead
Tom Cruise annoyed the hell out of Leonard Nimoy recently by dropping in on the famed actor and In Search Of narrator on the set of the new Star Trek movie, where Nimoy is once again playing Mr. Spock, the character he once openly repudiated. Actually, Nimoy called Tom "a good guy" after the meeting. So Scientology brainwashing works on Vulcans. If it also works on Jedi we're screwed.
Take That, Jen
Cameron Diaz is having a high old time with one of Jennifer Aniston's exes, the model Paul Sculfor. Diaz and Sculfor have been vacationing together in the Maldives where they've rented a huge bungalow, and Cameron was reportedly seen wearing a big fat ring on her finger. "They snorkeled, kayaked, and she ate like a horse," a source said. And Jen? She has a hot date tonight - with a bucket of Oreo ice cream and a DVD of Legends of the Fall.
Big Mistake Panty-Poo
Hayden Panettiere thinks everyone is making too big a deal of her father slapping the shit out of her mother and getting chucked in jail. "It was blown way out of proportion by a sheriff who wanted his fifteen minutes of fame," Panty told Extra. "My family is wonderful -- so very happy. We're all great." Oh dear Hayden you poor naive girl. Rule #1: Don't throw the sheriff under the bus. Those L.A. area sheriffs offices are ready and willing to go out of their way for celebs but not if you accuse them of being fame-whores. Now you won't get escorts to events and there will be no one to smooth things over for you should you get pulled over on the PCH and drunk-blubber a bunch of stuff about the Jews. Oh well, live and learn.
Petrified
That's Tori Spelling posing with her baby daughter Stella. The kid's clearly petrified. You would be too if that face kept staring down at you. I'm really, really sick of these nobody celebs thinking they're a big deal because they can pump out kids. So can dogs and pigs and hippos and lots of other beasts.
Menace to Society
Creepy giant-headed TV star Amanda Bynes was unhurt after crashing her car in L.A. on Saturday. The idiot was attempting a left turn at the intersection of Oakwood and Crescent Heights around 2 am when she collided with another vehicle. This is the second time in two years Ms. Bynes has been involved in some kind of car accident, the first coming in 2007 when she got mixed up in a multi-vehicle wreck in Beverly Hills that caused rush hour traffic to be stalled. Did I mention that she has a big head? I can't think of anything else to say about this broad except that she should obviously have her license taken away. Some people are too stupid and/or inattentive to be trusted behind the wheel.
At Least Her Ass is Okay
Kim Kardashian was rushed to the hospital last night after putting her foot through a glass coffee table in her hotel room. The dumb bitch required stitches to close the gash and now her participation in the new season of Dancing With the Stars is in doubt. Why can't she dance now? If Heather Mills can do it with a wooden leg, Kardashian should be able to go out there with a little boo-boo on her tootsie. Clearly this bitch is not committed to dancing with the stars.
Someone needs to explain to Kimmy that a glass coffee table is not able to support very much weight and therefore should not be used as a stage for an impromptu strip tease. Cause you know that's what the dumb fuck was doing when all this happened.
Creepiness
The Pasadena clinic that hosts Dr. Drew Pinsky's show Celebrity Rehab has come under investigation after three patients mysteriously died and a fourth was raped. It must be noted that Dr. Drew himself is not under investigation for killing or raping anyone - in fact, Pinsky has no other relationship to the clinic except for the fact that his show is taped there. Pinsky called it "a bizarre misconception" that people associate him with that particular hospital. He put out a statement reassuring everyone that he had nothing to do with the incidents in question. Doth he protest too much? I'm calling him a murdering rapist right here and now. Plus he's a quack. And I'm pretty sure he strangles chickens in his spare time.
New Low
Spice Girl Melanie Brown will reportedly get $400,000 from OK! Magazine to renew her vows with husband Stephen Belafonte, whom she married last year in relatively low-key fashion. "Mel and Stephen wanted a lavish do to celebrate their relationship," a source said. "They agreed to allow the event to be covered by a magazine but are obliged to fulfill certain requirements. One of these is a certain quota of well-known faces - family and close friends simply won't do." So cousin Bertha has to stay home to make room for Sherri Shepherd or some other D-list loser. I'm wondering if there's any aspect of their existence these people would be above whoring out for money. How long before there's a 24-hour celeb sex channel? Watch Scary Spice get it on with some guy who's not related to Harry Belafonte but wants everyone to think he is. Where's my puke bowl?
Posh and Becks Almost Died
David and Victoria Beckham were involved in a "horrific car crash" in Nice last Friday but somehow escaped unscathed. Reports say the couple were on their way to the airport for David to catch a plane to Beijing for the closing ceremonies of the Olympics when he crashed their BMW laterally into a wall, breaking the windshield and extensively damaging the vehicle on the passenger's side where Posh was sitting. There were no other vehicles involved in the accident - so David just can't drive worth a shit then (or maybe he was trying to kill the bitch)? There are supposed to be pictures of the couple looking "shaken" in the aftermath of the wreck, but I haven't been able to scare them up. The great thing about Posh is that she comes with her own airbags.
Tom's Package
Tom and Katie went out to see South Pacific last night. Tom was really excited as you can see. Yeah, that's him erect. It's the first time Katie's seen anything stirring down there except for the time the one Thetan staged a jailbreak.
Tom has allegedly lost 10 pounds thanks to the new training regimen David Beckham has him on. The regimen consists of David sucking out 10 pounds worth of jizz.
Stumpy's Wedges
Disabled Heather Mills walks around New York on wedge heels. New rule (sorry Bill Maher): If you can walk on shoes like that, you don't get to park in disabled spaces. Sadly there are no pictures of the cunt falling on her cunt face.
Cooler Heads Prevailed...Unfortunately
Sean Combs had a close encounter with an L.A. County Sheriff Deputy's piece early this morning according to TMZ. The site says Combs and his motorcade were pulled over on the Sunset Strip around 3 AM because one of the vehicles lacked proper tags. Combs and his homies decided to get out of their cars and go back to see what was up - and that was when a deputy drew his weapon. No violence ensued however. The whole thing ended with the rental company that owns the untagged car being ticketed and Combs and his posse going on their merry way.
I guess it should be no surprise that nothing bad happened to Puffy - this was the L.A. County Sheriff's department after all. I'm surprised they didn't give him a full escort to whatever den of iniquity he and his sycophantic asshole friends were rolling to at 3 in the morning on a Sunday. Diddy probably peed himself when that gun got pulled though. Good thing he always carries a spare pair of panties.
Stay Away Kevin
Michael Lohan's latest publicity-grabbing scheme: challenging Kevin Federline to a boxing match. Of course the proposed pugilistic exercise would be "for charity." "Everyone wants me to fight K-fed because he's a notorious celebrity dad and so am I," Lohan said. "Everyone?" I looked up "everyone" in the dictionary and it did not say "Three or four mentally challenged people." And I like how Michael refers to himself as a "notorious celebrity dad" as if that were something to be proud of. I know Federline is not exactly Mr. High-Taste 2008 but I'm hoping he has enough sense to stay far away from this.
Night of the Living Dead
Madonna is back out on tour again. She needs the money to support her on-going effort to buy up the entire continent of Africa. What exactly is she doing with the guitar? I know she's not playing it. Somewhere, some idiot is writing about how daring and original Madonna is and how she's reinvented herself yet again. If changing your hair and body every couple of years equals reinvention, then yeah, she's the chameleon. But the underlying bit is pretty much always the same (steal from gay subculture; make it commercially palatable; shock the prudes). And the music always sucks.
Obama Picks...
Evan Rachel Wood would've been better...
Or perhaps Joe Biden (whoever made up the Obama/Bayh bumper stickers - nice try).
The righties are already whipping out the talking points on Biden. He's establishment. He talks too much. He was picked by Obama for one reason: To be the hatchet-man.
No Getting Around It
Ryan Gosling is a fine actor but he seems like he'd be a bitch to have to hang out with on a consistent basis. That's probably why Rachel McAdams broke it off with him for awhile. She needed a breather. That dude is so stuck on himself and his whole little serious artist thing.
Is He Going to Curse At Himself?
Seal doesn't know someone is taking a picture of him taking a picture of himself and Heidi Klum - otherwise he would be foaming at the mouth.
Sadly, No One Ran Him Over
Pete Wentz continues his efforts to fill the giant black void in his soul by getting strangers to pay attention to him. Where's a convoy of fully loaded dumptrucks when you need one?
Aren't You Rich?
Miley Cyrus wants a Wii Fit, a puppy and a car for her 16th birthday. And for her 17th birthday she'll want to adopt a Vietnamese kid. For her 18th birthday she'll want someone to post bail. Why doesn't she just spend some of her billion dollars on a Wii fit, a puppy and a car for herself and can the birthday shit?
The Jonas Brothers will all be getting gifts from Miley too - in the form of email attachments.
Never Had a Shot
The pundits all had us believing Barack Obama might actually consider choosing Hillary Clinton as his running mate. Turns out that was bunk. Not only did Hillary not make Obama's short-list, she was never even seriously considered. "She was never vetted," said a party official. "She was not asked for a single piece of paper. She and Senator Obama have never had a single conversation about it. How would he know if she’d take it?"
What scared Obama away from Hillary? Just her general heinousness or all the skeletons in her closet? The Vince Foster murder and Whitewater and all the other shady business deals. Had they vetted her, they would've doubtless discovered all sorts of other stuff too. So they didn't bother. No one wants a buck-toothed crook as a running mate.
Getting Their Money's Worth
People Magazine shelled out $14 million for the first pictures of the Messiah Twins, and reaped the rewards by selling 2.6 million copies of their special Brad and Angie and Their Kids are Better Than You and Your Kids issue. This was more than their special Shiloh issue which sold only 2.2 million copies (might as toss her in a creek - she's worthless). It was fewer, however, than their post-9/11 Exploiting Heartache and Tragedy issue which sold 4.1 million, and their Princess Diana and JFK, Jr. Making Money Off the Dead issues which moved 3 million and 2.8 million copies respectively. So I guess what we've learned is that Brad and Angie's kids are less interesting to people than terrorist attacks, murdered whores and idiots who crash planes into the ocean during bad weather.
Still Not Over Sienna
The ghost of Sienna Miller's pussy continues to haunt Rhys Ifans. The phantom made Ifans go insane at girlfriend Kimberly Stewart's birthday party and pick a fight with a guy he thought was looking at Kim. "Fuck off," the eloquent Ifans raged. "Don't touch my bird! Let's take this outside, you think you're a big man?" Security broke it up before things went too far. A pissed off Kimberly chastised Rhys, saying, "Fucking calm down. I've had enough of this shit, Rhys, don't do this. It's my birthday, stop acting like you're 12." He needs an exorcism or perhaps a nice ass-kicking.
Gold Medals Will Get You Laid
Multi-Olympic-medal-winning ugly-stick-rape-victim Michael Phelps was seen making out with semi-attractive Australian swimmer Stephanie Rice at a party in Beijing. The two reportedly carried their carrying-on to a later Speedo photoshoot which featured lots of groping and other icky activity. I might fuck him if I were Stephanie but I'd definitely be using birth control. No way would I want any of that guy's genetic material taking root.
Nice Try
Yes, she's so innocent and young. Hanging out with Mickey Mouse. Too bad she sucked Mickey off right after this picture was taken.
Stefani's Kid
Gwen Stefani popped out her second kid today according to E! No one knows whether it's a boy or a girl or what, but whatever it is, the kid is going to have to go through life with the name Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. Yes, Gwen and Gavin named their kid after a lesser Neil Young album. Things could be worse I guess - they could've named the kid Trans Rossdale or Sleeps With Angels Rossdale or, God forbid, Everybody Knows This is Nowhere Rossdale. I'm sure the moniker will be a matter of immense pride for little Zuma when he/she grows up and has to explain the origins of it to the other people in the lunatic asylum.
This Oughta Be Good...
Iran has announced its intentions to put a man in space within the next 10 years. Yes, that Iran. The country that can't even get a basic nuclear reactor going. How long have we been hearing that Iran is "this close" to going nuclear? What's the point of sanctioning or bombing the dumb-asses when they can't even do what Enrico Fermi did with 1930s technology? Just let them build their little reactor - it'll probably blow up in their faces. And if it does work, it won't even have enough juice to light up the bulb in an Easy-Bake Oven. It's gonna be a hoot watching these dirtbags try to shoot a guy into orbit. They'll probably start with an animal though - a goat would be appropriate. Then they can shoot up a man. Then a man and a goat - so the man won't be lonely. Who am I kidding? They won't even get off the ground. In 50 years they'll still be firing 2-liter Diet Coke bottles fueled by Mentos. "We almost hit the top of that telegraph pole!" And to think this was once the mighty Persian Empire.
Update: Jean Reno Has Heart Attack...Or Not
Jean Reno, a French actor who became something of a cult figure in America after the success of his action film Leon, has suffered a massive heart attack while on vacation in St. Barts and is currently in intensive care after being airlifted to the hospital. Reno was with his wife Zofia Borucka at the home of French rock star Johnny Hallyday when the cardiac event occurred. I consider myself a movie buff but I have to confess, I've never seen Leon. Somehow I've always missed it. What this has to do with Jean Reno being in intensive care, I have no idea. Going off on even more of a tangent - I'm amazed Gerard Depardieu hasn't died of a heart attack yet. He's a pig-boat.
Update: Jean Reno has not had a heart attack according to his reps. They say the actor experienced some heart burn and went to the hospital as a precaution. So how the fuck does that end up as "he had a massive episode and was airlifted out and is now in intensive care waiting for the Pearly Gates to yawn open?" I'm not a journalist - don't pretend to be - but the people at these newspapers and their websites are supposed to be. Don't they check shit out?
Then again...Bernie Mac's reps kept saying for days that he was okay. So maybe it's disinformation again.
Overdoing It
Someone painted the word "slut" on the wall of Sienna Miller's house. It's one thing to call someone that over the internet, quite another to emblazon the word on their residence. Sienna must feel pretty bad right now. Not as bad as Balthazar Getty's wife, but pretty bad...
How it Went Down
Some British tabs are claiming that John Mayer broke up with Jennifer Aniston by sending her a text message that said, "That's it -- the end." Not "That's all, folks?" "Arrivederci, baby?" "Goodbye to you and your wonderful vagina which I will never get to play with again unless we decide to have one last fuck?" I know all you Aniston-heads will call bullshit on this, saying the British tabs are full of crap and can't be trusted. Maybe it is bullshit - but the whole breaking up by text thing does seem consistent with Mayer's overall douchey and fairly chicken-shit character, don't you think?
Panty Birthday
Hayden Panettiere turns 19 today. This makes her relationship with Milo Ventimiglia a tiny bit less disgusting.
(Hey Dirty Disher...how's that birthday cake taste? I know you baked one for Panty. You looooooooooooove her.)
Uh-Oh
Jake Gyllenhaal will reportedly star opposite Aussie siren Abbie Cornish in a new science fiction movie set to drop in 2010. This would be just another casting byte if only Jake were not involved with Reese Witherspoon, who already had ex-husband Ryan Phillippe stolen from her by Cornish. The fates aren't honestly giving Cornish a second stab at ruining Reese's life are they? This is too wonderful. I hope Abbie totally seduces Jake, and Reese takes out a hit on her. I want to see a headline: Abbie Cornish reported missing. Reese Witherspoon questioned by the police. She denies everything. A decomposed body turns up. Reese flees. I already have a hard-on.
Stop Telling Me How Smart She Is
Scarlett Johansson has announced that she will delay her wedding to actor Ryan Reynolds, and her reason is a novel one: She doesn't want to tear her brother Hunter away from his duties as a worker on Barack Obama's campaign. Right. Because Barack's prospects hinge entirely upon Scarlett's brother being there to hold things together for him. Someone muzzle this twat. Please.
Odd One
Am I the only one who gets a weird vibe off Cindy McCain? Yeah, Laura Bush has that kind of Stepford thing going too, but Cindy is...I don't know. It's like she ripped out her soul at some point, and stashed it away in a closet with her wedding dress and a shoebox full of pictures from when she was still a living breathing human. The stories about her are disconcerting as well. All the family members she doesn't want to acknowledge. Half-sisters she doesn't speak to. It's like she's created this little universe for herself and when something comes along that calls it into question she just wills that thing out of existence. I'm not sure exactly what she adds to her husband's run. Maybe people on that side of the aisle just like the idea of a candidate with a good-looking wife who stands there not talking. They imagine her baking John cookies and ironing his shirts like June Cleaver. Will she end up feeding John lines the way Nancy Reagan did for Ronnie after his mind started slipping? She's a creepy chick.
Just Shut it All Out
Anne Hathaway doesn't want to deal with any questions about her life. She doesn't want lesbian questions and she really doesn't want questions about her ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri and the way she ratted him out to the Feds. I wonder what she's listening to on those. Maybe she's learning to speak Chinese so she can move there and just disappear into some Godforsaken corner.
Just Normal Folks
Where's the Hollywood glamour anymore for Lindsay Lohan? She and Sam Ronson look like every other lesbian couple now. You have to admire Ronson's ability to match big-ass sneakers with ill-fitting flannel shirt.
Voight Responds
Jon Voight has fired a return volley at Roseanne Barr, who recently attacked the actor and his estranged daughter Angelina Jolie for their support of Republican candidate John McCain. Roseanne blasted a few days ago:
Your evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about $40 million a year in violent, psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children, trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more.
Miss Jolie says she likes [John] McCain too and hasn't decided who to endorse....huh? Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the African daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the Republican party's worldwide economic assault on Africa over the last few decades since Reagan?
It might be good for your Asian and African children's self-esteem to know you support [Barack Obama] for the leader of the free world.
Now go back to making your movies about women who love to handle big guns that shoot hundreds of people to death.
Voight responded in a statement to Extra TV:
We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents. Her parents responded to the accusations by going on the air and stating she is a psychopathic liar and her sister agreed.
(Editor's Note: Is he talking about Roseanne or Angie?)
Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing. My allegiance to Senator McCain becomes stronger with any assault that tries to deter my loyalty to him. I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind).
There's nothing like a couple of maniacs going at each other through the press. Thus far, Angelina and Brad have elected to stay out of it. Maybe because Roseanne already backed down a bit, saying she didn't mean that Brad and Angie were actually evil but just came across evil in the media. Head-scratcher. Anyway, Jon Voight calling anyone else sick of mind is just a hoot. Dude's batshit crazy and so are his kids. This needs to end in some really spectacular way. Pistols at dawn or something. Someone needs to die and I don't care who it is.
Daddy Damon
Matt Damon's wife Luciana has given him another kid, Gia Zavala. This brings their total to three after Isabella and Alexia. Gia, Isabella and Alexia? They really like soap opera names. Three girls too. If they lived in India they'd have fed at least two of them to crocodiles by now.
Prodding
Condoleezza Rice signed her name on the dotted line and now Poland will get its missile defense shield. This is a matter of great consternation to the Russians who now say they will "go beyond diplomacy" in preventing the missiles from being deployed. It's another game of chicken between the U.S. and Russia over missile deployment. Unfortunately, Russia seems to be run by people who are even less rational than Khrushchev, the man who finally blinked during the Cuban Missile Crisis. I don't think the Russians will back down on this. I think there's a good chance they'll send planes in to take out the missiles. I don't think they're bluffing. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's all just bluster and dry dick-swinging. The stuff in Georgia certainly isn't all bluster. You can argue that the Georgians brought it on themselves - but that same argument can be used to justify a strike on Poland if and when Poland gets the missiles. And Ukraine wants missiles too and if the Russians are cheesed about Poland getting them they'll be apoplectic if the Ukranians do. And does anyone believe the missile defense is really about protecting Europe from Iran? Come on.
Question...if Barack Obama were president and had, say, Bill Richardson as his Secretary of State, would this missile deal being going down?
Glad She Cleared That Up
Jennifer Garner has confirmed that she's pregnant. Didn't she already do that or am I remembering someone else confirming that they're pregnant? Anyway, Violet is about to have a little sibling to play at the park with. "We're so excited, obviously," Garner told Access Hollywood. I'm glad someone is.
Dear Will...
This is how rumors get started.
Sincerely,
Some Who Cares
P.S. - Stop hanging around with Tom Cruise. His freakness will only rub off on you and why is it worth risking this great thing you have going? By the way, Hancock sucked. Amnesia? Angels/gods/superheroes? Gimme a break.
Manless
Jennifer Aniston out...all by herself. No immature musician cracking jokes to the paps. Who oh who will break her heart next?
Longoria Preg?
Chipmunk Longoria may be pregnant. She's Mexican so frankly I'm shocked she hasn't already pumped out a whole God damn brood. Enough to pick an entire orange grove in three hours flat.
Chinzillas in Love
Rumer Willis's boyfriend Micah Alberti also has a big prominent chin. They must have to contort themselves like circus performers every time they try to shove their mushes together in a kiss. God, that's something I hope I never live to see. At least they seem to be enjoying themselves. The Elephant Man had his happy moments too I guess.
Kidman Ripped
Former Bond girl Britt Ekland has ripped into Nicole Kidman for ruining her face. "It's fatal when actresses use Botox," Ekland said. "I remember seeing Cold Mountain, and it really looked to me like Nicole Kidman had been using it. Her face was neither sad nor glad - nor anything, she was just like a painted doll. I thought: 'Why would she do that?'" I don't know Britt. Tremendous vanity? A delusional belief that one can stave off the effects of aging? Some weird self-destructive impulse? Too much money? Not very smart? Frankly, I'm more disturbed by her hair. That wiry mess is real?
MC Hammer Sheds a Tear
Hermaphrodite singer Rihanna is rumored to be going broke despite having songs all over the radio and her idiot videos practically running on a continuous loop on television. The whispers stem from the statements of the singer's ex-business manager Patricia Williams who claims Rihanna accused her of stealing a bunch of money. "It’s not my fault that she only has $20,000 to her name," Williams shot back. Then she went on to give a long-ass explanation of why Rihanna is one bad check away from shoving Brandon Davis off Scott Storch's couch so she can have it instead. I have neither the time nor the inclination (well, okay, I have the time but not the inclination) to summarize or even read through Williams's words so I'll just assume she knows what she's talking about and commence thinking of Rihanna as a broke-ass idiot even more pitiful than MC Hammer. On the plus side, Rihanna is still young and I'm sure there are plenty of freaky people who are into whatever she's offering. Or maybe she could sell ad space on her forehead.
Umm...
This Michael Phelps character is lucky he can swim fast because if he had to get through life on looks he'd be clean fucked. Apparently Lindsay Lohan is hot to break her muff-diving streak with him despite his being the ugliest bastard this side of Richard Kiel...further proof that Lindsay has completely ruined her senses with booze, drugs and poon-juice. There's a rumor Carrie Underwood is also hot for him but she's a country chick so she's already had sex with loads of farm animals and is just looking to slightly upgrade. Another swimmer, some beastly-looking ho named Amanda Beard, reportedly almost puked when a reporter asked her if she was fucking Phelps. "Come on, I have really good taste," Beard said. "He's not really my type." Neither is the fake Bigfoot in the cooler probably. Phelps didn't just get wacked with the ugly stick...he got ass-raped with it.
Kid Doesn't Want to Come Out
Ashlee Simpson's kid knows what it's in for once it comes out. It knows it will spend the next several years of its life as a prop for a couple of self-whoring douchebags who have exhausted all other means of making themselves seem interesting to the media. It knows it will be criticized and called ugly and retarded by evil fuckers like me who have nothing better to do with our lives than sit here chomping cookies and making fun of children over the internet. It's a cycle of lameness and we're all a part of it. Yes, even you.
Role Model
Jennifer Love Hewitt - another chunky celeb who took a big stand against the shallowness of the biz, claiming she wanted to set an example for people who didn't fit the usual mold, then turned around and lost a bunch of weight. Hey, I have no problem with people wanting to diet and be slim - but could they please manage to do it without making a self-righteous and hypocritical spectacle of themselves? She had a fat ass, people made fun of her for it, she cried, she mixed in a salad and did some sit-ups. Yippee.
The Breakfast (Lunch and Dinner) of Champions
Jessica Simpson doesn't need Michael Lohan to get her a job endorsing Vitamin Water - because she already has one endorsing beer. "As an entrepreneur, I am always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people," Simpson said by way of explaining her new affiliation with Dallas-based beer Stampede Light Plus, adding, "Yes, I work out and take care of myself, but I also like a cold beer once in a while." Sure. And I bet her fridge has always been stocked with Stampede Light Plus. At least since about last Friday.
Psst, hey Jess...did you know John Mayer was free again? I bet he'd like a tall cold glass of Stampede Light Plus. Or ten. And then to hammer you in the asshole with his big old penis. You can leave a huge load on his bedsheets just for old time's sake.
Dopes Redux
Perez Hilton's sources say Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are officially unbroken-up and currently wallowing in each other's dullness in Toronto. "Yay!" is all Perez offers by way of commentary. "Eh" is all I am able to add to that. A lot of no-life-having types who become emotionally invested in the romantic escapades of the famous are probably happy to hear this. I think it's sad that neither Ryan nor Rachel, both cute kids, can find anyone else but the other to fuck. It's a big world out there...
Kattan Tutt Kaput
Chris Kattan has reportedly separated from his wife Sunshine Tutt. The two got married just eight weeks ago. The stuff he slipped her finally wore off. Honestly, why else would a pretty girl like that marry a monkey-ass fucker like Kattan? Cause he makes her laugh? Clownish guys like that are always consumed with rage underneath and their antics finally reveal themselves to be the coping strategies of troubled, socially inept individuals. Andy Dick anyone?
What's Missing?
A rare sight...Lindsay Lohan without her husband Sam Ronson. Trouble in paradise? There are rumors Lindsay's been sniffing around dick lately. A strap-on may be okay for a switch but there's nothing like the real thing...
Farber Dead
It means nothing to most people that film critic Manny Farber has died at the age of 91. Even most hardcore movie buffs aren't that aware of him except for his name and the fact that he was once well-regarded. That's fine. His was a unique voice and I'd wager that only 1 person in 100 would even be able to make sense of what he was saying. Farber was not a film critic who could write a little bit - he was a great writer who happened to do film criticism. It is utterly irrelevant whether one agrees with his assessment of this film or that actor - the joy of Farber lies in his rambunctious styling, his out-of-leftfield references, his complete and unassailable individualism. Farber wrote with equal insight about crappy genre pictures he happened to find charming and formidable experimental and modernist works. His sensibilities were wide enough to embrace a range of artists from Preston Strurges to Don Siegel to Jean-Luc Godard to Werner Herzog. And, like all great critics, he was a master of the slice-and-dice job. My favorite is his utter excoriation of the John Ford film Two Rode Together, which begins with this all-time-great paragraph:
A 1961 cavalry film that is like an endless frontier-day pageant, Two Rode Together has the discombobulated effect of a Western dreampt by a kid snoozing in an Esso station in Linden, New Jersey. Two wrangling friends, a money-grubbing marshal (Jimmy Stewart) and a cavalry captain (Richard Widmark, who has the look of a ham that has been smoked, cured and then coated with honey-colored shellac), seek out a Comanche named Parker and trade him a stunningly new arsenal of guns and knives for a screaming little Bowery Boy with braids who's only bearable in the last shot when the camera just shows his legs hanging limply from a lynching tree.
Film criticism peaked in the '60s with the works of Farber, Pauline Kael and Andrew Sarris. Now it's a lot of snippy little pipsqueaks and Ebert wannabes dishing blurbs. Goodbye Manny Farber - the world didn't deserve you anyway.
Not Falling for It
The pictures of Britney Spears looking all cleaned-up are supposed to mean she's got her life straightened out and is on the comeback trail. Sorry but I'm not falling for that one. They can do anything they want to her hair and face...she's still a complete mess. A couple cameos on a bad sitcom and rumors of being cast in a Tarantino film do not constitute a comeback. Britney is always one fender-bender away from a meltdown.
Lock Up the Kiddies
Revolting perv Gary Glitter has been released from jail in Vietnam after serving three years for child rape and is currently wending his way back to the UK. British authorities will now have to figure out what to do with Glitter once he returns to their shores. Surely they can't let him just assimilate back into society. They'll have to electronically tag him or otherwise keep track of his movements you would think. And certainly they have some kind of sex offenders registry over there that he'll have to add his name to. They do care about stopping pervs from just having their way with kids. I mean, it's not Germany for Christ's sake...
Icky Couple
Balthazar Getty and Sienna Miller had to part after two weeks of icky loving in Los Angeles. This is Balthazar seeing Sienna off to the airport. Did they join Heaven's Gate somewhere along the way? I didn't know the comet was back. These two seriously make me ill. I don't even know why. They're no worse than any other fuck-happy celebs I guess. Maybe it's because Sienna has been such a drama-queen about the whole thing with her gas station blubbering and her mother calling for them to have their privacy. It's like they think I'm supposed to care about their feelings or something. Well fuck them.
Spare Us, Lily
Lily Allen allegedly tried to punch some woman who verbally assaulted her outside a club at 2 in the morning. Okay. So this is how desperate Lily is for publicity. She hires some broad to yell shit at her then "punches" her in front of the cameras. Sorry Lily, but you are a fraud. Your music is lame and fakey and your whole celebrity bad-girl bit is plainly contrived. You are not Amy Winehouse and you will never be Amy Winehouse. And why the hell would you want to be Amy Winehouse? Have you seen Amy Winehouse lately? Even Amy Winehouse is terrified of Amy Winehouse. Why don't you find some nice man and ruin his life by marrying him? Oh, and that "miscarriage" you had earlier this year? Were you ever even pregnant?
The Wedding of the Week
The above is not a picture from Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding, but if you want to see pix from that event, all you have to do is pick up a copy of People Magazine starting Friday or click over to their website. I have no idea how much People paid for the privilege of running these photos but I hope it wasn't much. I can't imagine anyone caring about these people and their dumb-ass wedding. They haven't adopted a single African orphan or visited even one refugee camp.
Aniston's Side
Jennifer Aniston is too good to respond to John Mayer's assertions about how their relationship ended, but her friends aren't. Her buds are more-than-willing to sinpe back at Mayer and what they're saying isn't pretty. Basically, they are painting Mayer as a petulant little attention-whore who is distorting the facts about his affair with Aniston. "Jen will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship," a source told MSNBC's The Scoop. "[Mayer's] childish behavior only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jen to behave like a lady."
Jen's pals go on to accuse Mayer of deliberately playing to the media. "He has a relationship with certain paparazzi [and] bloggers. He tips them off. He loves the attention. Jen didn’t want to believe it was happening, but it was, and she has no tolerance for that."
Apparently Mayer is also a skinflint. "Jen was tired of paying for everything," said another Aniston-connected snitch. "Cobwebs come flying out of [Mayer's] wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. ... Jen would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her."
Jen's pals expect Mayer will milk the break-up for all it's worth. "We’re talking about a guy who had a car waiting to take him home in New York, but he chose to walk so he could talk to the press [along the way]. He’ll drag this out until there’s someone new."
So Mayer is basically Paris Hilton with a penis. Oh, right...Paris is Paris Hilton with a penis. So he's a second Paris Hilton with a penis. I don't really know who to believe in all this. Aniston's pals are definitely coming with a lot more detail than Mayer did in his rather pitiful little statement to the paps. I suppose it's possible that Aniston did the dumping and Mayer is being a shit about it because he's fundamentally immature and unwilling to admit that this time he wasn't in control of things. Maybe Mayer's not ready to move up to women like Aniston who are smarter and have been around the block a few more times. He should restrict himself to vapid dolts like Jessica Simpson who he can shape and mold as he pleases and then dump at his leisure.
Just Gross
Tori Spelling officially has the worst boob job on the planet. Worse than Tara Reid. Worse than Pam Anderson. Worse than Ali Lohan even. I don't even know how something like that can happen to someone who has money. Just get the shit fixed. Get different ones or take them out altogether. Does she enjoy looking like a freak?
Finally
Netflix has at last solved their computer issue and sent out DVDs. I got one today that I was supposed to get last Wednesday or Thursday. Again, I am not ranting - I like Netflix; I think it is a great service. The Netflix butt-boys amongst you need not become indignant over my mild little criticisms. Some of you are way over-sensitive and need to get a grip. By the way, the movie I got? Shutter. I know I'll hate it.
She Needs Something New to Suck At
Jennifer Lopez is tired of sucking at music and acting, so she's begun training to run a triathlon. This bitch is so full of herself, she probably thinks she'll qualify for the next Olympics. She probably thinks she's great at everything she touches, but in fact, she is a walking mediocrity. She is so over-validated it's insane.
No Shirt Shia
Is anyone getting hot-and-bothered over this picture of Shia LaBeouf with his shirt off? Seriously...let's settle this once and for all. Is Shia sexy?
Wedding Pics
Photographic proof that Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi indeed wed over the weekend. Um...or maybe it was Portia and Anne Heche. No, it's Ellen...Anne would never be caught dead dressed like that. Unless the aliens ordered her to.
Blind Item Madness
I usually hate blind items because they're gutless and I always assume they're just made up anyway - but there was such a juicy one this morning on Page 6 that I had to reprint it. The item:
WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual? The heartthrob snuck into his ex's apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital - and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut.
I offer Christian Bale as a guess only because I could see him as an ass-rapist. I don't know why. Something about his face just screams "I'm capable of horrible anal assault." And we know he has anger issues.
Tyra Does it Again
Tyra Banks is a champion in the bitch Olympics. The former model and current Oprah-wannabe won a gold medal recently in the Freestyle Pissing Off the Audience event, as recounted by Page 6:
The model/talk-show hostess kept her "Tyra Banks Show" audience waiting for nearly two hours at her West 26th Street studio Tuesday during a taping of "Celebrating Black Models, Past, Present and Future," while she stood backstage giggling, snacking and chatting with the crew."You could hear her going on and on because she was standing right behind the stage curtain," said one audience member. "She's talking and talking. Meanwhile, you have the entire audience waiting almost two hours for the taping to start." And our spy said when Banks finally did take her seat onstage, she had a bad attitude.
"She leaves us waiting, and everyone is sitting there complaining, and then she comes out and doesn't say a word about it. She didn't even say hello, she got right into her script," said our source. "She acted so cold towards everyone. She's a phony."
Tyra then dragged the audience outside for some big segment where they were supposed to release black balloons for some fucked-up reason. The ensuing chaos resulted in some kids being trampled and some other audience members grumbling about hurting the environment. "Tyra was acting like it was a live sporting event instead of the most self-indulgent, narcissistic crap," said a witness. Kill her.
Did She Run it Over Herself?
Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart adopted an injured puppy over the weekend. What sin were they trying to atone for? Did Rebecca run over another kid or is she still working on the first one? Or did she run over the puppy herself? Or was the puppy not even hurt and they threw the collar on it? Am I being incredibly unfair and cynical? Well, at least Paris didn't get the puppy...that's something positive.
She's Got it Down
Suri's only 2 and she's already perfected the fake smile. Well, she learned from the master:
Is That Where You Keep Your Brain Sweetie?
I've seen all I ever want to see of Blake Lively. She's all over the place and the only thing I can figure is that the Gossip Girl people are buying space on blogs so their dumb little twatty stars can get exposure. And I'm mad about it - because no one offered me any of the money. And I'm such an idiot I just posted the bitch's picture for nothing.
Roseanne Crushes Brad and Angie
Not sure what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ever did to Roseanne Barr, but it must've been pretty bad for the former sitcom star to go on the rant she posted on her website today. I'd link to it but the site appears to be down (swamped or maybe Brad and Angie had their hackers go after it). Anyway, the juicy bits are out there for all the world to see. Roseanne's angry diatribe, addressed initially to Angie's crazy right-wing father Jon Voight, reads in part:
Your evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about $40 million a year in violent, psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children, trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more.
Miss Jolie says she likes [John] McCain too and hasn't decided who to endorse....huh? Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the African daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the Republican party's worldwide economic assault on Africa over the last few decades since Reagan?
It might be good for your Asian and African children's self-esteem to know you support [Barack Obama] for the leader of the free world.
Now go back to making your movies about women who love to handle big guns that shoot hundreds of people to death.
I'd really love to dismiss Roseanne's statements as the ravings of a lunatic who somehow forgot to take her meds, but I can't. She has pretty much nailed the hypocrisy of Angelina and anyone else in Hollywood who makes money in culture-destroying trash then pretends to give a damn about the plight of humanity. The only problem with Roseanne's screed is the part about Obama. He's somehow not a part of the great all-devouring American machine? Why? Because he's a Democrat? Because he's black? Roseanne has drunk the Obama Kool Aid. She's not alone, that's for sure.
Another One?
The guy who runs What Would Tyler Durden Do? has come out with a new site called LessClothes.com. The name gives away what this place is all about. Kim Kardashian in fishnets. Other chicks I've never heard of in bikinis. Basically, it's Hollywood Tuna with possibly a little more attitude. Because the internet really needed another source for pictures of brainless starlets slipping their nips. Of course this joint got something like 240,000 hits one day last week - which is about what I get in six months. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying. It seems like the thing to do if you want to be big is steal pics of half-naked women and then make dumb comments about their tits. It makes me wonder why I bother trying to be even semi-insightful or semi-witty.
Candid Mayer
John Mayer wasted no time in opening up about his split from Jennifer Aniston. Some paps asked the singer about the situation and he provided the following quotes:
There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing.
Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.
(Editor's Note: previous acquaintances include Jessica Simpson)
People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right.
He's the dumper, she's the dumpee, just like I figured. That whole bit about him wasting her time and something not being right - we know what that means of course. She wanted it to be serious and he didn't. Her old-woman clinginess chased another one away. When will she realize that if she wants to settle down with someone and raise a family she needs to pick an older man who's out of that fuck-happy phase? So maybe the older man is less exciting - so what? That's the sacrifice you make for stability. Jen's whole problem is that she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
His Dream-Daughter
What is Michael Lohan doing sniffing around Jessica Simpson? Apparently he's given up hope of further exploiting Lindsay, who is interested only in Sam Ronson's Bermuda Triangle - so now he's targeted floundering Jessica as a potential partner in some kind of scheme involving Vitamin Water. His email to Jessica's people:
I had [a] meeting with the Vitamin Water inventors and my investors last night. And that's where you come in . . . When we spoke, it was to attach Jessica as a spokesperson for the new vitamin-infused beverage line.
This makes perfect sense to me - Michael Lohan latching on to Jessica Simpson. Clearly he's disappointed in how Lindsay turned out (and probably blames it on Dina). If Michael had a perfect daughter in mind, she would be nothing like independent-minded lesbian Lindsay, and everything like sad, pitiful, compliant Jessica. Michael probably envies Papa Joe - the control Joe exerts over Jessica's life and career...not to mention the free feels he gets to cop at every turn. Wouldn't shock me to see Michael have Joe bumped off and slide right in. That might not be bad for Jessica either. I mean, where's she going with this country thing? And the bad movies? Michael would remake her entirely, get her back doing naughty pop songs, maybe cast her in a horror movie. And under no circumstances would he allow her to have any contact with lesbians. They are his mortal enemies.
Insecure Much?
Kanye West's apparent severe egomania led the master of douchery to eject a group of fans from a special VIP area set up on the stage at the recent Virgin Festival in Baltimore. "There were risers on the stage for VIP guests to get a bird's-eye view of all the performances," a source told Page 6. "Everyone was on the seats in the wings for the Foo Fighters, Lupe Fiasco and Jack Johnson." Not for Kanye though. "Kanye didn't want them onstage with him," was the only explanation proffered.
I hope those people were refunded or otherwise compensated, if in fact they paid extra to get those seats. What the hell is with Kanye anyway? It's like he's on some kind of campaign to make everyone in the world hate his guts. He's doing well at it. We all need dreams I guess.
30 Seconds to Litigation
Jared Leto and his band 30 Seconds to Mars have been sued by their label Virgin records for failing to produce three albums they were contractually bound to deliver. The $30 million suit alleges that Leto and his rocking pals have "repudiated" the deal they signed in 1999. Well, when you smoke so much pot, you're liable to forget anything you did as far back as 1999, or even last week. Virgin needs to cheeel. By the way, what happened to that movie with Leto as Mark David Chapman? That was supposed to be some big Oscar grab by him and he didn't even get a whisper. He gained and lost all that weight, contracting gout in the process, pretty much for nothing. The poster for that film was one of the ugliest and most unappealing I've ever seen:
The story of a man who couldn't take it anymore...and the doughnuts he couldn't leave behind.
Tom Dying?
Tom Cruise looks awfully frail in this pic. Did he lose weight for a role? Did he evict one too many Thetans, throwing off his delicate balance? Is Katie slowly poisoning him like Claude Rains and his icky mom trying to do in Ingrid Bergman in Notorious?
Real Live Dead Bigfoot
Some rednecks claim to have found a Bigfoot carcass up in the woods of North Georgia. What the hell was Bigfoot doing in Georgia? Hitching to the coast? The picture shows what appears to be a moth-eaten costume from the prehistoric sequence of 2001 with some random entrails tossed on top of it.
Hoax me if you want but please don't insult me.
What's "Take That Bitch" in Russian?
Spunky little Georgian TV reporter gets shot in the arm, presumably by a Russian soldier (could've been a Georgian soldier too I guess or maybe just some random crazy with a gun). Don't worry it's only a graze. Things like this never look like you expect them to look - you think gunfire and injury are supposed to be dramatic like in the movies but they're always so matter-of-fact. Life is weird.
Goof on Katie
A mildly amusing goof on Katie Holmes, imagining what would happen if she got drunk and started telling the truth. The actress gets Katie's little crooked slightly naughty mouth and takes advantage of the trademark big sunglasses. Starts out gangbusters but sort of fizzles...too much play on the word "Suri," no Scientology-bashing or Tom is gay stuff (too bad). The cutting is actually the best part of the whole thing.
Back At It
Amy Winehouse took a little break from being a menace to society, but now she's back on the streets attacking her fans. The poor guy in this picture tried to take a snap of Amy with his mobile phone. By the way...did I mention that you can now get Crabbie's Hollywood sent to your mobile phone courtesy of Snakk Media's 310.tv? 310.tv is a whole celeb-related mobile magazine that features Crabbie's content. Yes, they're that hard-up. Anyway, back to Wino...she was supposed to be locked up someplace getting her life in order but obviously she busted out. She's like King Kong...no chains can hold her.
Divers Take the Plunge
Famous lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi are getting married tomorrow according to Page 6. "Twenty people were invited," a source said. "Portia is wearing a flowing, form-fitting dress by Zac Posen." No one cares what Ellen's wearing because she's not hot. Hey, it's the 21st Century and everyone can get married in California now. Well, not everyone. I still can't marry my favorite eggplant. Oh eggplant...when will the world accept our love? Maybe we should move to India where anyone can marry anything as long as there's no gayness involved. "Yes, I swear my eggplant is female. See the little vagina?"
Tyra's Cause
Tyra Banks is standing up for the rights of the lowliest among us...supermodels who've had their careers ruined because pop stars and actresses keep taking work away. "I think all supermodels now are losing out to celebrities," Tyra said. "It's celebrities who are getting the cosmetics contracts." Somebody get Jesse Jackson on the phone! This is an outrage!
Thank goodness the downtrodden supermodels have Tyra to champion their cause. Tyra is Gandhi, Rosa Parks and Mother Teresa all rolled into one.
Tough Titty
Sienna Miller's mother is calling for an end to the "feeding frenzy" around her daughter's romance with married oil heir Balthazar Getty. "You can't understand how a woman seeing a man who has been separated from his wife for months can cause such a scandal," mama Miller said. "It's awful, I can't tell you. You wonder when it's all going to stop."
When will it stop? I don't know...maybe when Sienna develops a little shame and stops carrying on in public? Honestly, famous people have affairs all the time, but most manage to keep it a secret. Sienna's isn't secret because she doesn't want it to be a secret. She lives to be in the spotlight and that includes her sex life. Or maybe it's a coincidence that every time she gets a new boyfriend there are immediately pictures of her with her tits out sucking his face down? There's nowhere in the world rich people can go to be away from paparazzi? I don't feel sorry for Sienna, no matter how many breakdowns she has at gas stations. She's a public slut, and I'm sure Mama Miller is responsible for making her one. Another Dina Lohan type. Sickening people.
Is That Verne Troyer?
My first thought when I saw this picture was, "Gosh, Emmy Rossum is so sweet to give that poor little Progeria kid an autograph." Then I looked closer and realized it was Verne Troyer. Isn't it? Or maybe Patrick Swayze's cancer has really come back on him big-time.
She's Straight Guys...So Start Lining Up
Rumer Willis is denying rumors that she lives on the carpet-munching side of town. "If people call me a lesbian because I have short hair and I wear jeans instead of dresses, then by all means run with it," said Chinzilla. "I think it's hilarious. I like guys." Lesbians are said to be quite relieved.
Just Friends
Adam Sevani's publicist is denying that his client is romantically involved with Disney slut Miley Cyrus. "They are simply friends," said the flack. Good move distancing Adam from Miley - being associated with that skank can only be bad for his image.
Not a Rant
This is not a rant against Netflix. They are a terrific service and they don't deserve a rant. That being said...what's with their shipping problems? I send a movie back on a Tuesday I expect to see a notice on Wednesday that they've received it and mailed the next movie in my queue. But now there's some thing saying the movie is set to ship on Wednesday when it's already Thursday. Does that mean next Wednesday? There's a notice that says I'll receive credits if my shipment is delayed. So I get a buck off next month?
Like I said, this isn't a rant. Why should I rant? I've had Netflix for years, and in all that time, I've only gotten one broken disc and maybe two or three that were scratched enough that I had to send them back for a different disc. That's a pretty good percentage I think. And by and large there have been very few problems with delayed shipments. I do have a few quarrels though. One: They need a better Watch Instantly selection. Sure, Watch Instantly is great if you're super-bored on a Sunday afternoon and there's nothing on TCM, but it should be more than just a rainy-day time-waster. They should have more new releases on there and more really top-notch stuff. Two: They need to buy more copies of the rare stuff. There's nothing more disappointing than having something you're really looking forward to suddenly get discontinued because they don't have enough copies. Three: Multi-region offerings. I would buy a region free DVD player if only Netflix offered the rentals. There's great stuff available in Britain, for instance, that you can't get over here. Foreign-language stuff with English subtitles. Why don't they get on that? Maybe there's a legal reason. Anyway, like I said, this is not a rant. These are friendly suggestions. By and large I'm happy with Netflix.
(No, I was not paid by Netflix for this endorsement. You think they need an endorsement from me? They're huge. I'm a chump.)
Good News for Tom
Tom Cruise's allegedly troubled WWII thriller Valkyrie has gotten a vote of confidence from United Artists by having its release date moved from Presidents Day '09 to Christmas '08. The film was thought to be on the ropes when it got bumped from summer '08 to late '08 to '09, but the new move suggests it's not as terrible as some reports have held. Nothing says Christmas like a Scientologist in a movie about Nazis plotting to kill Hitler.
Tyra Could Have Competition
Leah Remini is in talks with CBS for her own daytime talk show. The Hollywood Reporter says the parties "are not necessarily thinking along the lines of a traditional talk show." What does that mean? Lots of Scientology? I can't believe CBS would get in bed with Scientology - they saw what that shit did for Tom Cruise. I'm guessing Remini won't mention Scientology at all. I'm guessing the show will be like every other show in spite of what's being said about breaking with tradition. I'm guessing Tyra Banks will put out a hit on Leah Remini. That would be fine with me.
Chin Job
Someone was very kind to Rumer Willis and did some electronic surgery on her chin for this Page Six Magazine cover. It's fine with me only...well, what about all Rumer's talk about being a role model for young girls who don't fit the conventional mold? What's the message here? "It's okay to look different as long as there are highly-skilled professionals who can perform virtual plastic surgery on you for magazine covers?" If Rumer were really about the role model thing she would protest this (the same way Keira Knightley has protested having her boobs digitally enhanced). But we know Rumer's only about the fame-whore thing so she'll let this slide. It's just about the best picture I've seen of her and it's totally fake.
Some Jonas
I really hope the soda-jerk look catches on in a big way. Why you holding the guitar Jonas dude? We know you can't play it...
The Very Definition of TMI
Ernest Borgnine will be remembered for a lot of things: Winning the Oscar for Marty (overrated Paddy Chayevsky crap). Being in big disaster flicks like The Poseidon Adventure. Starring opposite smoking-hot Jan-Michael Vincent in Airwolf. Telling the idiots on Fox and Friends that he slaps the salami a lot...
Okay I always thought he was creepy but now I know he's creepy. 91? Really Ernest? And you slap it a lot? You use Viagra to get a woody so you can yank it? Come on. Must be plenty of gold-digging bitches out there who'd be happy to ride you for the future cash pay-out. Pardon me while I get my puke-bucket...
Miley's Boyfriend
This is Miley Cyrus's boyfriend Adam Sevani (16). Is he trying to be gangsta or is he trying to make fun of people being gangsta? I can't tell. He looks like Shia LaBeouf without the cool. Here he is dressed as Sam Ronson for Halloween:
Trying too hard kid. And dating Miley? That chick's a straight-up skank. That's probably why you like her. She probably does stripper dances for you in her underwear. Pictures will be available soon.
Rude and Disgusting
Page 6 describes the spectacle Ashley Olsen recently made of herself with her fuckmate at dinner:
Ashley Olsen and her boyfriend, actor Justin Bartha, hardly came up for air during a recent dinner at Serafina on East 61st Street, where they were holding hands and making out all through the meal. "She was all over him," said our spy. "Another girlfriend of hers was also at the table. Ashley was very nice to everyone, but seemed more occupied with her boyfriend than anything else." The tiny Olsen downed two Bloody Marys on the terrace and ate a little bit of spaghetti.
If I were sitting somewhere trying to eat and a pair of rude little shits started pawing each other like that I would immediately get up and make a huge deal out of storming out of the place while promising never to patronize the establishment again. Of course I would be alone in this, and this is the whole trouble with our society. We tolerate scumminess instead of rising against it en masse as we should. Not only should we not put up with Olsen Twins and their rudeness, we should round up all two of them and tar and feather them and put them in stocks in the public square and let people throw rotten fruit at their ugly pouting faces. And then shoot them and feed their corpses to our hogs.
Ali Lohan's Boobs
Boobs don't interest me in general and the boobs of 14 year olds even less so but the wind has blown me in this direction so now I have to address it: Ali Lohan's breasts...Fake or Real? I'm saying fake...unless she accidentally ate some radioactive material instead of her Coco Puffs one morning and her tiny little pubescent nub-breasts blew up like the cricket in Them. Ali's sister Lindsay has come out all fuming with mock outrage over the media's speculation about her sister's rapidly expanding rack. Lindsay posted on her blog:
hey everyone..
i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach.
so, here's the visual...
me and my friend Patrick walking into a store, and two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me...
one of them being, "Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?"
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my response simply was, "Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile!"
i was caught out of nowhere so i didn't really come up with the proper response at the time.. there's many other things that i felt like saying, but why give it to a random guy with a camera so that he can make money!
All i am trying to say is, is that, i was raised with a wonderful family surrounding me, of course we have our ups and downs, but all in all my mother taught us to appreciate what we have been given. Nor would she ever encourage, or allow a 14 year old child to alter her body.
I might've believed Lindsay, if not for that 24th exclamation point after WOW. 23 exclamation points, okay. 24? You're really forcing it.
Of course we all know what a monster Dina Lohan is. The woman is perfectly capable of encouraging Ali to have all kinds of cosmetic procedures including breast enhancement. And we know plastic surgeons have zero ethics and would therefore not refuse to undertake the procedure even if the female in question was only 14. Not that they would've been able to tell...Ali actually looks older than Lindsay at this point.
Mellow Zahara
Zahara doesn't look angry or even mildly peeved in this picture. Maybe she's mellowed. Brad looks like one of the creepy old queens you see in the park with their walking sticks. I wonder if he shuffles.
Waxy Renee
Renee Zellweger dries her face in the breeze. She has to do this a couple times a day or it starts to slide off.
Same Face
Harlow looks just like the Madden character, but the expression is all Richie...that slightly dour, faintly disdainful frowning unimpressed thing that says "I'm rich and I don't give a shit about anything in the world that matters." Good life this kid will have.
Solo Mayer
Dirty dog John Mayer in one of millions of pictures that will be taken of him without Jennifer Aniston. People think Aniston was just having a fling with Mayer and isn't busted up about their split. I don't think so. I think she thought he was the one and she was going to change him and he would settle down and make babies with her and she would go on tour with him and the babies in the bus and it would be cool like the Partridge Family or some shit. Well the joke's on her because Mayer ain't into that. He has an itch and the only way to scratch it is by sticking his meat into as many girl-holes as possible. I wonder which famous piece of ass he will next set his sights on? Probably someone from Gossip Girl...or perhaps he will try to pry Lindsay Lohan away from Sam Ronson's vagina.
Malil Plea
Shelley Malil has pleaded not guilty to attempting to murder his girlfriend Kendra Beebe with a knife. What's the defense going to be? "I may have stabbed her 20 times but I wasn't trying to kill her." It was a pesky mosquito he was trying to get for her. The deranged loon is being held on $10 million bond. Prosecutors are going to argue that there was premeditation, given that Malil came right up to Beebe on her patio and started stabbing away without preamble. I suppose it's possible he could've gone over there for a snuggle and just had a wild change of heart. Beebe's children were reportedly sleeping upstairs at the time of the attack. A second man who was in the house got the knife away from Malil but he found a second knife and continued stabbing. Persistent fucker.
Hold Up There Boyo
Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili is desperate for some kind of U.S. intervention to end the unpleasantness between his nation and Russia - that's what I read into the obviously exaggerated claims of planned a U.S. presence he made during an address to his people:
You have heard the statement by the U.S. president that the United States is starting a military-humanitarian operation in Georgia. It means that Georgian ports and airports will be taken under the control of the U.S. defense ministry in order to conduct humanitarian and other missions. This is a very important statement for easing tension.
The Pentagon responded to this wishful claptrap with the old "not so fast there, buddy":
We are not looking to, nor do we need to, take control of any air or seaports to conduct this mission. The role of the U.S. military is strictly to facilitate the delivery of humanitarian assistance to the victims of this conflict.
Saakashvili has some odd notions of what his country means to the U.S. strategically, and how far we're willing to go in protecting his ass. I'm afraid we may have given him those notions by pushing Georgia to defy Russia and encouraging them to apply for NATO membership. We're still playing the same old Cold War games even if we don't want to call it the Cold War anymore. Meanwhile...what the hell happened to the cease-fire French president Nicolas Sarkozy brokered between Russia and Georgia? It took the Russians about six seconds to defy that. Clearly, their plan is to remove Saakahsvili from power and insert a new government that they control. They won't be happy until this happens. Maybe Sarkozy could convince the Georgians to just lay down their arms and submit to Russian rule. You know...the French way.
Video of Chupacabra
A sheriff's deputy chases a Chupacabra down the middle of a dirt road in South Texas. It looks like some kind of freaky mutant dog. Is there a lot of nuclear waste around there? Be careful or Paris will go down and try to adopt the thing.
Confirmation: Mayer and Aniston Are Through
It's official: John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up. The confirmation comes via People and its multiple sources, one of whom said the following:
They had a great time together but they are just in different places in their lives right now.
Yeah, like Jennifer wants to screw only John, but John wants to screw anything with tits. Another source said John may waffle a bit before finally walking away:
He never ends things with a clean slate. He likes to dwell on these relationships and sort everything out before saying goodbye for good.
He likes angling for one last farewell fuck, in other words. Yup, he's a slick one.
This sheds new light on Aniston's lip-plumping adventure, no? Clearly that was some kind of desperate attempt at making herself more attractive, so she could compete with the younger women he was chasing. Poor Jen. You go for you the young fuck-happy guy, you get burned. Jeez, it's almost like she wants to get hurt.
Over the Hill Tom
The humiliations continue for Tom Cruise. First he was replaced by Angelina Jolie in the spy thriller Edwin A. Salt - Angelina's a woman in case you hadn't noticed; we know how Scientologists feel about women - and now studio bosses have told him he can't be in Mission: Impossible 4 because he's too old and expensive. A source told Page 6 that Tom threw a tantrum and stormed out of a meeting after the diss. Sounds like someone needs a cleaning. Fire up the E-Meter. Get out those bad Thetans.
Billy Bob Kreuger?
Billy Bob Thornton will take over for Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger in a remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street. The move has Englund's approval, so there's no reason for Elm Street geeks to get all bent about it. There are Elm Street geeks right? Yeah...40-year-old guys with figurines and posters and plastic Freddy fingers they whip out to impress girls with. They probably wonder why the Freddy fingers don't work on the girls. They probably wonder why everyone plugs their noses around them. It's because you reek you fucking losers!!!
Woah
Seldom does one see a picture of Keanu Reeves where he doesn't look at least half out of it. I don't know if he's stoned or suffering from some kind of neurological disorder or what it is...I just know that, from appearances, he seems incapable of entirely getting his shit together. Maybe it's even pleasurable to go through life sort of goofy and semi-deranged like that. Not shaving ever, not combing your hair, not knowing the meaning of the word "laundry." Hopefully he at least sprays himself with Right Guard now and then.
Pampered
Winona Ryder has someone to feed her Smart Water when she's on-set. Did she lose her arms at some point? Cause I don't see any other reason why Winona can't hold her own fucking water bottle. She's not that big a star. She's not Nicole Kidman or George Clooney or Angelina Jolie. At this point she barely registers on the radar screen. She's better-known as a shoplifting flake than an actress. Maybe she didn't want to tire her hands out, knowing she'd need them later for pinching stuff.
Michael Should Love This One
Lindsay Lohan wants to get closer to her boyfriend Sam Ronson by converting to Sam's religion of Judaism. "Sam's family is Jewish," said a source. "Lindsay has learned a lot about Judaism from Sam and admires its beliefs." Some of Lindsay's friends are dubious as to her sincerity however:
Two years ago it was Kabbalah. Last year it was Alcoholics Anonymous. She was into "peace" for a while. Whatever is of the moment, that's Lindsay. But the one thing it does show is her commitment to Sam. She could be any religion and Lindsay would be open to it.
The AA thing was more of a court order wasn't it? And the "peace" stuff was really just something to do when she was having her picture taken. And she only took up Kabbalah because she was trying to get Madonna into bed. I'm sure Michael will be thrilled at the idea of Lindsay turning Jew. Her being a lesbo didn't offend his little Christian sensibilities enough as it was - now she's in with the people who nailed Jesus up. His head may explode.
Jen and John Over and Out?
Not one but two completely dubious outlets are reporting that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are done as a couple. The Mirror has a headline screaming "Unlucky Jennifer Aniston Dumped by Rock Star Mayer," and claims they called it quits earlier this week after initially agreeing to take a break from each other; while Rush & Molloy say in their "Side Dish" that Aniston has already moved on to someone else. The R&M mention seems altogether too casual for such an earth-shattering event, leading me to conclude that they don't believe it either and are just tossing the rumor out there. The Mirror bit goes into more detail, quoting a source:
There's been a bit of tension for some time. They initially opted for a break, hoping a trial split might make them stronger. Sadly it doesn't seem to have worked.
John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn't ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn't want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.Initially, Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she's simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken. They have spoken on the phone since the split and are trying to remain on good terms. But unless John has a dramatic change of heart, it's unlikely they'll rekindle their romance.
Okay, I'm calling it...they're done. Let the denials begin.
Take a Pill
Actor Shelley Malil, who had a small part in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, was arrested in San Diego for stabbing his girlfriend Kendra Beebe 20 times. The attack failed to kill Beebe who is currently in critical condition. Witnesses say Beebe's face was mutilated and her arm deeply gashed. Her two kids were reportedly present at the attack which took place in her backyard. A second man apparently tried to stop the enraged Malil but finally fled, returning later to speak to police. Beebe may have died but for the actions of a neighbor who ran over and stopped some of her bleeding. She is expected to survive but I'm guessing she'll be breaking up with Malil. I don't even care to speculate on what might've set the guy off. This sounds like more than a toilet-seat disagreement.
Happy Talk
The Panettiere family has elected to gloss over the whole domestic violence thing now that papa Alan has been released from jail. Alan and wife Lesley Vogel told Extra's Mario Lopez (he's a journalist now) that the whole thing was a misunderstanding, and claim Lesley wasn't even aware that Alan had been arrested until later. So who called the cops then? Santa Claus? None of this washes but who cares. Lesley is clearly one of these doormat-type women who think they're supposed to lie for their man no matter what heinous shit he pulls. Don't tell me he's never cuffed her around before. Poor little Hayden has a lifetime of messed-up relationships with men in front of her because of stuff she's seen. She should just go the lesbo route like Lindsay...better for her.
Dressy Downey
Is this the Tropic Thunder premiere or a Clark Gable impersonators' convention? Someone said yesterday that Gone With the Wind should never be remade, but I disagree...they should do it with Downey as Rhett and Lindsay as Scarlett. I'd camp out in line like a dickhead Star Wars fan for a month for that fucker.