L.A. Police Chief Knows His Celebs

L.A. police chief William Bratton knows why paparazzi activity has quieted down in his city...it's because their favorite targets are no longer so interesting:

If you notice, since Britney [Spears] started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris [Hilton] is out of town not bothering anybody anymore — thank God — and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue.

Bratton obviously follows celeb news pretty closely. So he thinks it's real between Lindz and Sam? I wonder what he thinks of Shia's problems. And Charlie and Denise. Gosh, he must have a lot of time on his hands. Being police chief of a major, crime-ridden city is apparently not that taxing a job.

Crazy Bitch Body-Slammed Mini-Me

Human butt-plug Verne Troyer is suing the woman he appeared in that sex tape with for allegedly beating the shit out of him. Troyer's filing claims the woman, Ranae Shrider, once gained entry to a bedroom he was hiding in by picking a lock and moving a scooter he had placed as a barricade, then proceeded to body-slam him. "When you pick up a 2'8" human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts," said Troyer's lawyer. Well, unless the floor is made of mattresses or fluffy pillows. Or your body is made of Flubber.

Troyer is suing Shrider for $20 million, claiming emotional distress. Come on Verne...do you really need money so bad that you'd concoct such a silly lawsuit? There must be plenty of other ways for you to turn a dollar. Maybe you could rent yourself out as a garden gnome. Or get work cleaning people's gutters by crawling through them. Or start a weird midget football league where the midgets are the footballs. Be creative.

(Dedicated to The Dirty Disher, who is miserable today. Yes I know she won't read this because she never bothers coming in here but it's the thought that counts.)

At Least Make Us Work at It...

Jessica Simpson made the mistake of talking to Elle Magazine about intimate matters. Now we have way more stuff to make fun of her about. Like this remark she made about how she tried too hard to please the men she dated after her divorce from Nick Lachey:

I was going through a lot of pain. I didn't try anything to change my life other than dating different types of guys and conforming to their worlds. I thought I had to be artsier, more intellectual.

So she bought herself a bunch of Curious George books and hunkered down to study. God Jess...at least make it hard for us, would you?

Okay, I know...it's not nice to make fun of the mentally challenged. Fuck it. Here's what Jessica said about her relationship with Tony Romo:

Most of the guys I dated were captivated by my heart but they had different ways of trying to get to me. Tony understands me. He appreciates my talent. He's the first person I've spiritually connected with.

Um, Jess...Way #1 guys have of "getting to" chicks they want to bone: Flattery. Example: "That's a fantastic song you wrote Jess. You're really talented." Way #2: Talking shit. Example: "I feel like you're the only one who really knows me. Like our spirits are connected, you know?" Jesus Jess, didn't Papa Joe teach you anything (except how to put on a training bra)?

Jess gives us more...on John Mayer:

John believed in the Jessica Simpson that's within. He cherished our love. He helped make me the woman I am today. John is going to be an amazing man for someone, but I know that I was supposed to be with someone else.

Yeah, you knew you were supposed to be with someone else Jess...when he told you. And sure, John will be an amazing man for someone. And then someone else. And someone else. And I ain't even gonna guess why you suddenly decided to start referring to yourself in the third person. Maybe because you've gone completely nuts?

(This post is dedicated to Jebbica who's been having her troubles lately. Hope this cheers you up Jebbers. I know you enjoy it when people crush Simpsons.)

Not Interested in Act 2

Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams have touched off rumors of a re-kindled romance. Apparently Gosling was DJing at a jazz club and Rachel showed up to see him...and of course someone got a picture of the two of them and now the lame-o's are all a-twitter. Gosling looks hostile here and Rachel has ugly legs. Look at these two long enough and you could come down with narcolepsy.

How About Johnny as Batman?

The Dark Knight is a huge smash, so naturally everyone is talking about a third Batman film (in the second cycle). Casting rumors are running from Johnny Depp as The Riddler to Phillip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin to (the inevitable) Angelina Jolie as Catwoman. I personally like the idea of Johnny entering the Batman universe, but I've got a better role for him: Batman. Yes, I said it. Warners should dump Christian Bale and hire Johnny Depp to play Batman/Bruce Wayne. Bale is fine but he's too clammy and cold and distant...Batman needs some warmth and humor and jaunty charm. Depp would be wasted as The Riddler...fuck, Jim Carrey played The Riddler, so obviously that role requires no particular talent.

Of course people are also talking about bringing The Joker back for Batman 3, which is obviously problematic given the way Heath Ledger took possession of that character (and then, you know, died). I don't think Batman 3 needs The Joker though...Dark Knight laid out pretty much everything The Joker is about; there's really nowhere else to go with him, so just leave him behind. And as for Robin...Christian Bale has said he would quit the series if Robin were written into it, and I agree with him. Robin is possibly the dumbest character in all superherodom. The first Batman cycle was, let's face it, already screwed by the time Chris O'Donnell came on-board as the Boy Wonder...but Robin's absurd presence was certainly the last nail in the coffin (well, that and Arnold Schwarzenegger). I wouldn't be able to take any Batman movie seriously that had Robin in it. Or Batgirl. Maybe Catwoman, but only if the casting were right. Not Angelina - that bitch sucks the joy out of everything she touches. Oh, I know...the perfect Catwoman:

Amy Winehouse.

I'm a genius.

Freeze-Out

Britney is so over Sam Lutfi, the con artist who ran her life before her family swooped in and banished him. A restraining order has kept Lutfi far away from Britney for months, and now that order has expired...but though Britney's people aren't seeking an extension, they have made plain how Britney is supposed to feel about her former controller:

Britney has made clear to everyone that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama 'Sam' Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future.

Well, Britney hasn't made anything clear to anyone, including herself, for a long time. So that means someone else made it clear to someone else that this is how it's going to be, and now they want that made clear to Mr. Lutfi. Which is probably a good thing given that, when Lutfi was in charge of Britney's life, he used to mix her medications himself, and wouldn't let her have a cell-phone charger in the house (but charged his own cell-phone straight off a car battery).

Katie Does Tom's Cruising for Him

Some New York City firemen are sitting around outside their little firehouse when Katie Holmes drops by for a chat. We all know the connection - Katie's a Scientologist and Scientology is big on "helping" the afflicted 9/11 workers via their insane quackery. So what's Katie doing here, a follow-up? Is she officially some kind of doctor of Scientology? Wouldn't shock me. We know you don't need any training to know anything in Scientology...just a lot of cash and command of some goofy lingo. Or, maybe Katie is just out trying to pick up a man for Tom?

From Her Lips to God's Ears...

Pop twit Avril Lavigne has made a lot of people happy by saying she has no present plans to reproduce. "Oh God! I don't want to have kids for like ten years," the flaming idiot told OK! magazine. "I still have a lot to do. I don't even know if I could handle a dog right now. I'm so not ready. Someday I'll be a mum but not until I'm in my 30s."

Would that be 130s? Seriously Avril, just get your tubes tied. The world's in a dire enough state as it is...the last thing it needs is little copies of you running around. Little fang-toothed no-talent asswipes.

Scientology a Crime Syndicate

Former Scientologist Paul Letterese has sued the church for $250 million in federal court, alleging that Scientology is a crime syndicate no different than the mob. He characterizes Tom Cruise as the "right-hand man" of COS boss David Miscavige, saying Cruise "has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars." Letterese also claims to have been harassed by the church, alleging that a member once posed as his homosexual lover in an effort to smear his name. He also claims intellectual property infringement by the church over their educational use of a business book, "Effective Sales and Closing Techniques," that he says he holds the rights to. Oh, and they killed his cat.

Okay, I made up the part about the cat...but really, would you put it past them?

Scientology has shot back in the usual ways. They say Letterese is nothing but a disgruntled former member who shouldn't be taken seriously, that Cruise's name is only being dragged into it for the publicity value, and that the dispute over the book was already cleared up in court. COS also points out the $266,000 Letterese was forced to cough up in penalties after he failed to make his case in California court earlier this year. Letterese apparently wants the feds to take up the matter as a RICO case, and bust the church the same way they busted the Mafia. Sorry dude...the Mafia may have been rich and connected, but Scientology has Xenu on their side. And Leah Rimini. Can't beat that combo.

Brendan Fraser What the Fuh?

I was gonna say Brendan Fraser's head looks like a pineapple, but no...that's not quite right. I don't know. It's just the biggest forehead I've ever seen. You could put up a giant billboard of David Beckham in his underwear on that thing and still have room for a giant flashing neon "Loser" sign. Mummy 3 looks awful, especially in the wake of The Dark Knight and its non-CGI brilliance. Sorry Hollywood, but Chris Nolan put that shit to bed.

Kool Aid Drinker

Halle Berry...another Hollywooder who's gulped down a whole pitcher of the Obama Kool Aid. Whatever. Our society has another ten years tops before complete collapse...and it doesn't matter who we put in office in the meantime. It could be Obama, McCain, Hillary, Jesus Christ...it's irrelevant. As George Carlin said, "It's all going away." And frankly it deserves to. I mean, have you looked around lately? We are evil. I wish a comet would hit the earth and just obliterate it.

No Rihanna

Chris Brown gets double-teamed by some models at a Wrigley's gum event. Where's Rihanna? Yeah, you're right...she's a dyke.

Oh Yeah, He's Straight...

I suppose Ed Westwick could be a metrosexual. Is that what they still call straight guys who fuss about their appearance or am I out of the loop lingowise? I'm sorry...I still don't believe any heterosexual or even metrosexual male would match up the lavender pants with the striped shirt. Still, it's a refreshing change from the grungy Shia LaBeouf look. I sort of like it.

(In the old days lavender automatically meant gay. Watch The Maltese Falcon. The scene where Bogart knocks out Peter Lorre then sniffs his wallet and says, "Lavender." That's code for "Lorre's character is a flaming queen.")

Mini Golf

I got nothing for this except the headline.

Hold Onto That Number...

Ali Lohan recently auditioned for a role in a remake of the B horror movie Trolls. Unbenownst to the budding starlet, the producer of said film - and the man she was auditioning in front of - has a history as a maker of pornographic movies. Ali's mom Dina allegedly went out of her skull with rage when she found out the producer's identity. That's how protective Dina is of her spawn - she doesn't even bother checking the background of the film producers she's sending them in front of. You know how long it took me to find this guy's filmography? As long as it took me to enter "Peter Davy" into the search box on IMDb. Voodoo Lust: The Possession. Hmm...is that a kiddie movie?

So either Dina is too lazy and stupid to check out these people, or she's a fat liar. This could all work out in the end though. Ali's gonna need work down the road...hopefully she made a good impression on this Davy fella. Of course we know Lohans would never stoop to pornography. They're strictly high-class.

Huh?

Bizarre new John McCain attack ad on Obama, featuring Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. The point, going by the way it's narrated and cut, is that Obama is little more than a vapid celebrity...he's famous but what has he done to earn that fame? Like Paris and Britney, his popularity is the result of media hysteria and mindless idolatry and not anything substantive. At least, I think that's what it's trying to say. Maybe it's actually insinuating that Obama has had sex with Paris and Britney.

Really Good Friends

Gossip Girl co-stars Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford (don't ask me which of the above is which cause I have no idea) are very good friends...maybe too good, going by the following eyewitness account of their activities at a recent concert:

They were never more than a foot apart. If one moved two feet to the left, so did the other. It was freaky.

Aw, they're a cute couple still in that can't-be-apart phase. They'll get over it soon enough.

Brooke on Nick

Brooke Hogan says being locked up alone in jail broke her little sister Nick's spirit. "When they put him in solitary, he was on the outs," Brooke said. "I was worried about him, and his safety, and his well-being." But now the 18-year-old Nick is out in the general population and Brooke says he is returning to his old dickbag self. "At least he's not locked in hell, basically. And his personality is slowly coming back. I bring that out of him." Oh yeah? Well, maybe you should try your personality-restoring powers on John Graziano, Brooke. Oh, that's right...he has no cerebrum anymore. There's no possible way to restore his personality because the very brain matter in which that personality was stored has been utterly and irrevocably destroyed. By your little sister Nick who is suffering so much in jail with the horrible food and the hard cot and the other inmates always ass-raping him with broom handles (hopefully). When will these Hogan fuckmunches figure out that no one has any sympathy for them and never will? Mind-murdering shits don't deserve sympathy nor do twats who wrongfully accuse their own fathers of abusing their mothers.

Too Mean

A reader posted a link to this video for a song called "Ugly Maggie" which is about Maggie Gyllenhaal. I'm sorry but this is way too mean. It's one thing to snipe at someone in a blog, quite another to go all-out and record a song and make a video. That's a dedicated sort of nastiness far beyond the Crabster who, despite what some of you may think, doesn't actually care about any of these people enough to really honestly hate them. Plus Maggie was okay in Dark Knight...ugly as ass, but okay.

Old Farts at Play

It used to be, "Why did Catherine Zeta-Jones marry that old fart Michael Douglas?" Now it's, "Why is a rich old fart like Michael Douglas married to a hag like Catherine Zeta-Jones?" Maybe it's love. Maybe Michael's worried a younger woman would just wear him out. CZJ became irrelevant really fast didn't she? A little money and a couple awards and she was like, "Well, that's a career."

Ugly Ho Peddles Ugly Shoes

Fergie has her own footwear collection. "Yes, you too can have feet like a pants-peeing methhead." Should Fergie really be wearing white? Seems dangerous...

Not This Again

Holy shit Madonna's pregnant! No wait...it's Naomi Watts. But didn't she just have a kid? I didn't know Naomi was a Catholic.

Over Already

Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson have broken up. Damn it! I only just started not caring about them and already they're finished. Does nothing last in this world anymore?

"There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things," a source said of the break-up. "There is no hatred, just sadness."

Not too much sadness though. Not enough to start drinking or fucking around wildly. Maybe Kate will hit up Owen Wilson for old time's sake but she'll soon be on to someone else. And Lance? The world's full of fuck-happy singers/actresses so he'll be fine.

Happy Federline

"Been having a good summer, I can't complain."

- Kevin Federline, when asked how he's been faring of late. Yeah K-Fed? Living off Britney's money is working out well for you then? Oh good.

Seriously...why is anyone asking this guy anything?

Getty Dumps Sienna

Balthazar Getty has apparently had enough of riding Sienna Miller and is trying to patch things up with his wife Rosetta. This after the actor/oil heir released a public statement saying the marriage was finished. What changed his mind I wonder? Maybe Sienna's just not as hot as she's made out to be. I'm sure she'll land on her feet...sluts like her always do.

Shia Semi-Off-the-Hook

The Los Angeles County sheriff's office is now letting Shia LaBeouf somewhat off the hook for his car crash the other evening. A spokesperson for the sheriff said the other driver ran a red light and crashed into Shia...so the actor was not directly at fault for the accident. He was still intoxicated, however, and will have to face DUI charges. He's gotten kind of lucky though...more lucky than he deserves.

And the Winner is...

People magazine has submitted the winning bid in the Knox-Vivienne first photo race. The final number hasn't been disclosed but it's believed to be between $10 and 15 million. No word yet on when the photos will run. The money will of course be donated to charity (cough).

Becks Texts Dita

David Beckham is infatuated with stripper Dita Von Teese and likes to send her text messages. Posh's friends don't want people thinking David is making a play for Dita and are therefore quick to point out that Dita and Posh are pals and David has only met Dita once. Yeah? Once is enough. And Posh should be worried...Dita may be creepy but at least she looks like a woman. Beckham has a roving eye, and a roving eye is often followed by a roving penis. Especially when said penis is used to being parked in a cold, dry, unwelcoming place. Dita could use some lovin' from a real man after years of marriage to Marilyn Manson, dontcha think?

The End of Hannah Montana?

Teen sensation Miley Cyrus says her alter ego Hannah Montana may soon be put in mothballs. "We’re thinking this is our last season," the virginal little angel told E!'s Marc Malkin. Yes, pedos everywhere have begun to weep. For the rest of us there remains only one question...how should Hannah Montana be ended? Yes, it's a bit.

10 Ways to End Hannah Montana

1. Hannah peels back the shower curtain...and it's Bobby!
2. Hannah gives up music to pursue her lifelong passion - competitive cup stacking.
3. Hannah loses everything. Her possessions are taken to a giant warehouse and workmen begin throwing them into an incinerator. We discover that Rosebud was a sled.
4. She changes her name to Deborah Indiana and embarks on a second even-suckier musical career.
5. Hannah is dumped by her label for being a fugly little skank. She is replaced by Selena Gomez.
6. Flashing police lights. Billy Ray in handcuffs, his head hung in shame.
7. Something involving electrocution.
8. Hannah wakes up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette.
9. Hannah is preparing to be interviewed by Perez Hilton. He mistakes her for a gummy bear and eats her.
10. She returns to Planet Snaggletooth.

Shia the Anti-Bloom?

Sometimes a story sounds really good but you just don't buy it. Like this one about Shia LaBeouf's accident and the reaction of the other driver (via WENN via Starpule):

Shia LaBeouf's starstruck crash victim urged the actor to flee the scene of his Sunday morning car crash. Brian Perrulli, one of the first bystanders on the scene when LaBeouf's truck was overturned following the incident, says everyone realized the actor was badly hurt and had been drinking, and the other motorist suggested the star should make a run for it.

The eyewitness says, "The other guy was saying, `Maybe you should go, maybe you should get outta here,' and he [LaBeouf] said, 'No, I've gotta deal with this... It's my problem.'"

Aw, Shia the big responsibility-taker. Really? While he was totally off his ass drunk? He was coherent enough to compute the type of shit he was in and realize his best move was to stay and take care of it? No. Drunks in crashes don't talk that way. They sit there on the curb looking dazed, coughing and heaving and talking crazy. I'd really like to believe Shia is the anti-Orlando Bloom - a guy who faces his shit head-on and doesn't try to slink away - but I think the reason he stayed was, he was too plastered to do much else.

Medication Mix-Up?

Amy Winehouse's admission to the emergency room and overnight hospital stay are being blamed on a medication mishap. "She's fine," said her father Mitch, "she just mixed up her medication." Oh wow. So many ways to go with that one. The smoke is coming out of my brain right now. Um, but there's one main question...why the fuck is a person in Amy's state being trusted to keep track of her own medication? She doesn't even know what year it is half the time...how's she supposed to know whether it's blue pill day or yellow pill day or crack day or suck on a tailpipe day? Mitch is not behaving in a very responsible way. In fact, if I didn't know better, I might accuse him of trying to help her off herself.

A Nice Cozy Dinner

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer dined at Villa Saturday night. A large fuss was made because they're the Hollywood power couple of the moment. They didn't really seem that into the whole thing though. John clutched the bodyguard while Jen covered her face. The dread can clearly be seen on Aniston's features in the next picture.


The man behind her obviously likes her ass. She'd probably let him touch it if he asked her.

Shia's Girl

The female who was with Shia LaBeouf the night of his crash has been identified. She's Isabel Lucas, an Australian actress who stars with Shia in Transformers 2. Isabel reportedly screamed "fuck" really loud after the truck flipped over then crawled out onto the pavement. Oh, by the way...she's Adrian Grenier's girlfriend. Or at least she was. Were I Adrian, I would be looking at laying a smackdown on Shia. That little pansy shouldn't be hard to pound...especially with one hand. Isabel was not badly hurt in the crash thankfully. I'm sure Shia would've felt really guilty had he maimed her with his nonsense. Or maybe not. Perhaps he's a soulless fiend like Orlando Bloom.

Wino Lives (For Now)

Some of you were expressing concern for Amy Winehouse last night (though I suspect you were being facetious you scamps). Don't worry...she's out of the hospital. She was kept overnight for observation after suffering what is being characterized as a seizure. I won't even speculate as to the cause of said attack. It could've been any number of things including demonic possession. She will almost certainly be back out tonight smoking and boozing and punching people randomly in the face.

Depp Not Nice in Nice

Johnny Depp greets the paps in Nice. The flannel under the vest. I love Johnny but he needs a clue.

Update: Winehouse in Hospital

The Daily Mail reports that Amy Winehouse has been taken to the hospital. The singer, who has been known to dabble in crack, was wheeled out of her home at 9:30 pm local time and taken to an undisclosed medical facility for treatment. More to come...

Update: No one is saying why Wino was taken to the hospital. The Daily Mail says the doctors are keeping her overnight for observation and will probably release her tomorrow. She probably fainted again and the old man panicked. Mitch is such a fussy father.

Clueless Ronson

Sam Ronson is mad at Page 6 for saying she hates sister-in-law Ali Lohan's little song and refused to play it at a party she was DJing. "Ok - so I don't make reference to most of the crap said but every now and then my patience wears a little bit thin...," Ronson ranted on her MySpace blog. "1 - I really like the song - as soon as [Ali's] MySpace page goes up it will be a song of the day, 2 - the only person who showed up with a cd for me to play was my lil step brother Chris - he is in my top friends - I played his song coz I like it, 3 - where do they come up with this shit?

"4 - the most pathetic thing of all is that Richard Johnson [Page 6 editor] is an old friend of my mother's and therefore could have easily fact checked this one….. However - it would seem that no one cares to do any of that anymore - in fact - I'm sure if I looked up the last 10 times my name appeared on that page I would find that none of it was true.

"I wouldn't be responding to this one - but I'm afraid that people might actually believe that and that's not fair to Ali. She's 14 years old - high school is bad enough - do tabloids really need to torture teenagers as well?"

Oh Sammy...I was kinda with you up until that last paragraph. High school is bad enough? But Ali ain't in high school...she's being home-schooled cause the kids in high school were allegedly so mean to her. You don't keep yourself apprised of Lohan family business do you? That would cut into your carpet-munching, bong-hitting and personal grooming time. Well, the first two, anyway.

Daddy Duty for Matt

Matthew McConaughey gives up a few mintues of bongo-time to push the baby around. A show for the cameras or an example of what a dedicated and cool father Matthew is? If he's still at it a year from now, we'll know he was sincere.

Okay I'll Give it Up...

Fugmunch almost looks cute here. Mom-puncher needs to look into some lifts though. Batman should not be shorter than Batman's would-be girlfriend who's fucking the handsome DA.

Griffin on Miley

"Let's face it — Miley Cyrus is a whore. I do hope that she gets a virus down there so that Lindsay stays away."

Right Kathy...like a virus ever kept Lindsay away from a piece of pussy. Nice try though.

Enough

"They looked like they were having fun in Penn Station. They went almost totally unnoticed and got on first class."

"Lindsay, who was wearing the same shirt that Sam wore the day before, sat in a chair in the deejay booth right next to her and watched her spin. They were very affectionate to one another."

- Accounts of Lindsay Lohan's activities with husband Samantha Ronson. I'm tired of them! Do you people not realize that, given the insanity of most of her life, going lesbian at 22 is actually the most normal thing Lindsay has ever done? All chicks go lesbo in their early '20s...it's some kind of biological imperative. Most of them switch back. Not all do. Lindsay will probably be back on dick in a year.

Cuddly Actors Need a Towel-Off

Gossip Girl stars Blake Lively and Penn Badgley are reportedly icking everyone out with their on-set, between-take smooching. "It's gotten crazy, they are all over each other after every single take," a spy told Page 6. "They're constantly making out, and it's making everyone uncomfortable." Sounds like a flashback to Hanks and Scolari on Bosom Buddies. Those guys couldn't keep their hands off each other.

A completely irrelevant observation: The names "Lively" and "Badgley" are totally annoying together. Those two need to break up. Yesterday.

Hanks Fights Thugs With Thug

Tom Hanks has hired a gun-toting thug to patrol the grounds of his Idaho ranch, which is at the center of a multi-million dollar dispute between the actor and a construction company. The thug is there, it's been claimed, to intimidate workers who are investigating the ranch on behalf of Storey Construction, the outfit Hanks is suing to recoup $2.5 million he says he shouldn't have had to pay on the grounds of shoddy work. The lawyer for Storey Construction thinks the guard and his semi-automatic pistol are a disaster waiting to happen.

"It's as hazardous a condition as you can have," said attorney Miles Stanislaw. "The other day, the guard tripped and fell on a piece of plywood with his gun on him. It could have gone off and had fatal consequences. It is inconceivable a person like Tom Hanks, who claims to be the voice of the little people, could tolerate this."

I don't know what Tom being the voice of the little people has to do with his ranch and his security guard. Nor do I remember Hanks ever claiming to be the voice of anything. He's an actor. A rich actor who thinks some construction company is trying to screw him. By the way...construction companies screw people all the time. Hanks' reps have shot back at Mr. Stanislaw:

One security guard had to be hired after Storey tried to force his way onto the Hanks' property at 7 a.m., unannounced, with five pickup trucks full of his cronies. The one guard that was hired is an off-duty police officer who, by Idaho law, is allowed to carry a gun.

Storey denies the allegation that he bullied his way onto the property in the wee hours. The hired guard, for his part, has characterized the Hanks-Storey unpleasantness as "a big pissing match." But he's getting paid to show his pistol around there so he'll keep doing it. A happy ending for this would be a huge furnace explosion or an avalanche or a Sasquatch attack. By the way Tom...fix that hair. You're a big star. Jesus.

The Dream is Over

Jamie Lynn Spears has kicked Casey Aldridge out of the house after finding out he was calling other women on his cell phone. Noooo! Casey...that's why you always use a land-line to get in touch with your whores! Rookie mistake dude. Oh well...it's not like Jamie Lynn's family was ever going to allow you to marry her. They learned their lesson from that gravy-trainer Federline. They're going to find a nice, clean-cut and above all rich fellow for J.L. to raise your baby with. You might as well kiss little Maddie goodbye homey. I know you'll miss her (while you're shacked up with your stripper in her mobile home).

Papa Pete

There's no such thing as a curse in the old fashioned superstitious sense (it's all power of suggestion and mass hysteria), but there is such a thing as a genetic curse. Pete Doherty's son Astile will one day learn this...the hard way. Hopefully he will be able to cultivate a sensitive, artistic persona...then people will be willing to put up with his misbehavior. You can act like a punk all you want if people think you have deep currents of feeling running underneath. If you're a plumber or a window-washer and you behave that way...well, then you're just a scumbag.

Britney Ropes in Another One

Britney tangoed poolside with a "mystery man" in Mexico. Britney's life is one long vacation south of the border now. Why not? She's free of any family obligations anymore. She gave up even trying to get custody of the kids...so now it's party-time.

Video of Shia Wreck Aftermath

That's not brain-matter strewn across the pavement...it's pizza. A boxed toilet seat was also thrown from Shia's truck after it flipped. How many times has it happened to you? You're drunk. You decide to stop and pick up a new toilet seat. You can't wait to get home with said toilet seat and try it out. You miss a red light... Video:

Shia got the worst of it injury-wise...his hand was messed up bad enough to need surgery and now he'll miss a month of shooting on Transformers 2. The woman with him, and the occupants of the other car, were only dinged up. Grow up Shia.

No Felony for Shia

Been a stressful day for Shia LaBeouf so far, but at least he's gotten one bit of good news - the people he ran into trying to while execute an illegal left turn while drunk at 3 am in Hollywood aren't bad hurt, so he'll only be charged with misdemeanor DUI. A truly cool guy would've killed the people in the other car. Guess Shia is still a dork.

Update: Shia DUI-a

Shia LaBeouf got nailed for DUI this morning after being involved in a car accident. Cops say Shia tried to execute a left turn at La Brea and Fountain in Hollywood but didn't see another vehicle and ended up colliding with it. The collision was serious enough to roll Shia's car but he was not badly injured. Responding officers said Shia was clearly intoxicated, and they arrested him. TMZ says the cops are waiting to hear about the other party's injuries before deciding whether to book Shia on felony DUI charges. Way cool Shia!!!

Update: Shia was injured more seriously than first reported. TMZ now says the actor fucked his hand up good and will require surgery. He's in the hospital right now waiting to find out if he'll face felony or misdemeanor charges. Too cool, my nigga!!!!

Billy Ray Would Buy a Crate's Worth...

Prophylactic maker Lifestyle Condoms wants teen star Miley Cyrus as their new pitchwoman. "Pop culture proves that teens are more ready than ever to discuss the subject of sex," said Carol Corozza, VP of marketing for LifeStyles. "With recent reports showing that one out of four teenage girls has an STD and the high level of teenage pregnancy, we believe that Miley is both influential and relatable to this afflicted set - and is the obvious choice to get the message of safe sex out to teens across America."

The company is offering Miley a lifetime supply of their product. Reps for Cyrus say they would never in a million years consider such an endorsement deal. Of course not. Miley is wholesome and virginal and condoms are for dirty people like Selena Gomez.

All Bull?

Did Madonna have a hand in her brother Christopher's lukewarm tell-all? A source blabbed to Page 6:

The supposed scandal about Christopher Ciccone's book is bullshit. She actually ghost-wrote parts of it with him, the way Princess Diana helped Andrew Morton write his book on her. That's why there's nothing too devastating in Chris's book. He's mean to others, but not so much to his sister.

I wouldn't put it past her.

Ronson Disses Ali

Sam Ronson may be Lindsay Lohan's husband, but that doesn't mean she has to support every Lohan endeavor. According to Page 6, Dina passed Ali's single "All the Way Around" to Sam at a recent event she was DJing, but Sam thinks the song is crap and refused to play it. This Thanksgiving is going to be an awkward one at the Lohan compound.

Sheen/Richards Ugliness

More bombs are being lobbed in the Charlie Sheen v. Denise Richards war. Last week, Denise tried making the case that Charlie was abusing their daughters, claiming they were "behaving strangely." Charlie's lawyers countered that attack by showing video of them with him acting far more normally than they do around Denise and her menagerie. Insiders claim Denise is trying to push the insanity to new heights for the sake of her reality show, which is suffering low ratings and may not be picked up by E!

"Denise's accusations were vile," a source said. "She was basically trying to say Charlie [manipulated] the kids and acted inappropriately with them. It's disgusting and totally untrue. Charlie is furious . . . Denise has really pushed it too far this time.

"She thinks a court battle would be good for ratings so she wants all overnight visits with the girls ceased, and monitored visits with her nanny. She invited the media circus to the hearing and even wanted reporters in the judge's chambers - which wasn't allowed. It's ridiculous."

Sheen plans on suing for defamation, then seeking full custody of the kids. Poor Denise. What will she do when she has no reality show, no home (her neighbors are trying to get her kicked out) and no kids? She'll have to lay around all day playing with her pigs and her dogs. Oh wait...she already does that. Well, she'll be fine then.

I say the court should give the kids to Kevin Federline. I really don't trust Charlie. I think there's a chance he could sell them for drugs.

Katie Cast Photo

A cast photo has been released for Katie Holmes' new play All My Children. No wait, that's All My Sons. It should be All My Batteries. I'm guessing this thing is really intense. Well, it is Arthur Miller. John Lithgow and Dianne Wiest? Dang, I'm having a 1985 flashback. Remember when Wiest played the single mom in Parenthood and she thought Keanu was a dipshit and her little son was wanking all the time? And don't even get me started about Lithgow. Is there anything more sublime than Lithgow in Buckaroo Banzai as the evil John Whorfin/Emilio Lizardo? "Laugh-a while you can-a monkey boy!" Haha. Great.

Madonna...Ouch

Madonna has at last realized her lifelong dream...she has become Iggy Pop. Without the coolness or talent. And Iggy doesn't have knockers. Is it just me or does it look like her jaw is actually sinking? I advise you not to stare at this picture too long or you could become permanently turned off.

Wino Deals

Amy Winehouse is clearly distraught over husband Blake Fielder-Civil's jail sentence. All her partying and drugging...it's just her way of dealing with her grief. By the way, Amy...you might want to find some different people to have your photo taken with. You alongside sexy Nordic-type chick isn't working out all that well for you. I'm sure there are some scoliosis victims and circus freaks you could befriend.

Pissed Off Halle

Halle Berry is in a state of rage over widely-seen pictures of her holding her new baby, which she says were taken by a trespassing pap. Her lawyer Evan Spiegel has filed a criminal complaint, and says he has witnesses who will confirm the pap was on Berry's property illegally. Police are currently investigating.

Halle's baby makes her a prime pap-target and she should know that. She should have armed thugs guarding her property. I'm sure Brad and Angie would give her the number of some good armed thugs if she asked.

Katie's Doorman

I wish I had a black man to go around opening doors for me like Katie. I wonder if he's a Scientologist.

It Comforts Him

Shia LaBeouf gets cooler with each passing day. Baseball hat. Soiled t-shirt. Finger rammed up nose. Awesome.

Avril's Dental Plans

Pop princess Avril Lavigne has finally decided to get her creepy rodent teeth fixed. "Avril hates her fangs," said a source. "She is planning on having them filed down by a cosmetic dentist. It's just something she has always been insecure about, especially since everyone is staring at her mouth when she sings.

"As soon as Avril finds some time to take off so it won't interfere with her singing, she's getting it done."

I never noticed Avril's teeth...I was always too busy looking at her stupid clothes, hair and face. Maybe she should get the fangs pulled, then send them off to Katrina.

Feist on Good Morning America

Wake up those idiot tourists in their Bermuda shorts, Leslie.

Doucheface

I don't know Kevin Costner, but I can tell by looking at him that he's a complete douche. How old is this guy now, sixty? Shouldn't he be through the mid-life crisis thing? He looks like Don Johnson's father. Nice Miami gangster suit too Kevin. Jesus God.

Rumble at Brad and Angie's

Camouflaged paparazzi gained access to the grounds of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's Miraval chateau and were set upon by security guards. The ensuing fight ended with both sides filing legal complaints, but a police captain said the combatants' injuries amounted to little more than scratches and bruises. The captain said it was the first time the police have been summoned to Brad and Angie's place since they began living there earlier this year. She then became a hero by uttering the following in response to a deluge of questions about the incident:

I won't hide for you that this kind of thing is really not the type of problem that interests us. There are, in my opinion, far more important things than paparazzi taking photos of a glamour couple.

Contrast this refreshing attitude with the way the mayor of Nice fawned over these two. I guess not everyone in that part of the world is a celebrity-obsessed rube.

Where Will Brandon Davis Crash Now?

Creepy music mogul Scott Storch is having his $10 million Miami house foreclosed on by the bank. Storch reportedly signed for two mortgages worth $7.75 million on the property, and owes both the electric company and a security-system installer in excess of $10,000 each. Another example of a guy making a ton of jack but still trying to live beyond his means. Sometimes I'm grateful to live in my crappy apartment and drive my crappy car. I may be poor, but I don't owe anyone a cent.

Mischa Dumped

Mischa Barton has been dropped by her agency CAA for being washed-up. Of course Mischa's spin people have come out saying the actress quit the agency herself, but come on...everyone knows what the deal is. The O.C. made Mischa famous and when that ended, it was over. Kaput. She's not a movie star...she's not even a TV star. She's a pitchwoman for Keds and a paparazzi target. She can't act, she isn't really that attractive, and she's wide through the hips. She'd be lucky to land a role as a maid on Gossip Girl.

Why the Long Face?

Mac Guy is depressed after his break-up with Drew Barrymore. A spy for Page 6 saw him "looking miserable" while talking to a friend at the Bowery Hotel, and heard him utter upon leaving, "I just want to go in my room and be alone." Just keep Mary-Kate Olsen away from him, unless you want another Heath Ledger deal on your hands.

Moakler Picks Another Fight

Shanna Moakler has made a career (if you can call it that) out of picking fights with people more famous than her. Remember when she punched Paris Hilton? Or did Paris punch her? I forget. Anyway, Shanna is up to her old tricks again...but she's moved on from Paris who has completely fallen off the gossip radar (unless your name is Perez Hilton). Shanna's new target? Fat-ass Kim Kardashian. Moakler, says Page 6, threw a drink on Kardashian at Carmen Electra's party in Malibu Sunday, and called Kim a "whore." All because Kim supposedly slept with Shanna's husband Travis Barker back when Kim was modeling for his clothing line.

The tattoos make it hard to tell, but I'm pretty sure Travis Barker is white...which automatically disqualifies him as a sex-partner for Ms. Kardashian, who is a well-known lover of brown meat. Shanna obviously didn't get the memo on that. She's been going around telling anyone who'll listen that Kardashian is a whore who fucked her man...including Kim's boyfriend Reggie Bush, who attempted to make peace between the two sluts at the party. Kardashian, who must be amused by the whole thing, got revenge on Shanna by wearing a Travis Barker-designed t-shirt the day after the event. That'll show her.

Impossible Mills

Heather Mills has been abandoned by her attack dog publicist Michele Elyzabeth. "After working for Heather Mills for the past four years," Elyzabeth explained, "I have decided to cease representing her. Since her divorce has become final, in my opinion, Heather has become an impossible person. Yesterday, we engaged in a heated argument during which she called me 'stupid.' I reminded her that she was not 'God' and she answered, 'I will never ever talk to you again.'

"I have been very patient in my dealings with Heather, however, I cannot take any more. I have given her substantial unpaid time and attention. I am owed money. I refuse to be subjected to her outbursts. On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British press has reported about her."

Elyzabeth deserves whatever money she has coming to her and then some. Her task - trying to make Heather Mills look human - was an impossible one, yet she devoted herself to it with everything she had. Of course Mills feels not a jot of gratitude for all Elyzabeth's hard work, plus she is a skinflint in spite of a bank account full of Paul McCartney's money. Mills will wind up completely alone at this rate...and that's as it should be.

Twat War

Miley Cyrus and her sidekick make fun of fellow Disney starlet Selena Gomez and her formerly gaptoothed friend Demi Lovato. Clearly, Miley is feeling the heat from Selena. I apologize for any eardrum damage you may have suffered from Miley's voice, by the way. That little chick can project. She could emcee huge events without needing a mic.

Fat Meg

Meg Ryan wears a fat suit in her new comedy My Mom's Hot Boyfriend. Why didn't she just shoot her belly up with the same shit she put in her lips? Wouldn't have needed the fat suit.

And by the way...didn't Gwyneth Paltrow already do this bit?

New Delusions

Canadian psychologists have identified a new form of mental illness whereby nutcases come to believe they are living in a reality show that the entire rest of the world is watching. The disorder, dubbed "The Truman Show Delusion" after the Jim Carrey film, has afflicted five known people so far, all males between the ages of 25-34. "I realized that I was and am the center, the focus of attention by millions and millions of people," explained one of the loons. "My family and everyone I knew were and are actors in a script, a charade whose entire purpose is to make me the focus of the world's attention."

Sounds crazy. But not as crazy as these other 10 new delusions just identified by medical science:

"Alec Baldwin Delusion" - Sufferers tend to become pasty and bloated, and spend their days engaged in crazy political rants that no one listens to. May also verbally abuse family members.
"Perez Hilton Delusion" - Those afflicted with this particularly nasty mental disorder are plagued by the mistaken belief that they are hilariously funny. They also become absurdly litigious and begin to smell strongly of zit cream.
"Heath Ledger Delusion" - Sufferers believe they are dead.
"Madonna Delusion" - Veins begin protruding. All pigmentation disappears from the skin. Patients become obsessed with fad religions and develop romantic fixations on Latin athletes.
"Tom Cruise Delusion" - A belief that one has magic healing powers. Sufferers may also develop the intense desire to kidnap bland film actresses. Homosexual tendencies may develop, only to be severely repressed.
"Tara Reid Delusion" - You know, when no one gives a shit about you but you think you're famous. Also known as "Kristin Cavallari Disease" and "Brandon Davisism."
"Jocelyn Wildenstein Delusion" - Thinking you become more beautiful the more you resemble a person whose face was blown off in a propane tank explosion.
"John McCain Delusion" - The sufferer stoops more and more until he resembles a bridge troll. He then changes all his political positions in the wholly mistaken belief that this will get him elected president.
"Brad Pitt Delusion" - Thinking you're a man even though you haven't got a pair.
"Angelina Jolie Delusion" - Characterized by the intense desire to collect human beings of various ethnic backgrounds. This is followed by the overwhelming urge to have one's picture taken in refugee camps and disaster zones while dressed in native garb. Sufferers become so impervious to pain that they can laugh all the way through dangerous surgical procedures like C-sections. Weight loss may result in the patient coming to resemble a circus freak. The face may also become frozen in an expression of supreme self-satisfaction. The lips may bloat and the veins become prominent on the arms. Other symptoms may include the desire to have sexual relations with one's own siblings, an intense fascination with sharp objects and the need to steal other women's husbands and denut them.

Feldman Crappos on Jacko

Corey Feldman has bitten into Michael Jackson like a fat Ohioan going after a barbecued rib. "He did real damage in my overall life," Feldman said of Wacko, his former friend. "I was a 12-year-old boy who was hurt by his family and ignored by people at school. Michael would sit and talk to me for hours and he would listen. Then he would get bored. The biggest thing that Michael's done to children is befriending the ones that are in need and then abandoning them.

"(He'd say) 'Hey, I love you, I'm here for you, anything you need, you call me, I will be there for you.' Then the very next day, the number's been changed. As a 12-year-old kid, that's a pretty hard one to comprehend."

Bulletin: Michael Jackson is a creep. Hey Corey, here's what you could do for us...snap and kill the guy, then shoot yourself. That's what's known as a win-win.

Single Silverman

Sarah Silverman has broken up with Jimmy Kimmel (yes I know it happened awhile ago...don't start). Hetero males all supposedly dig this chick because she farts and belches and tells dirty jokes. Really...you guys have such low standards. Anyway, I find her mildly amusing...more so when she's dissing Paris Hilton to her useless wonky face. She's no Phyllis Diller though.

Whose Idea Was It?

Us Weekly is reporting exclusively that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's new twins Knox and Vivienne were conceived via in vitro fertilization. "They both desperately wanted more babies soon," a source explained. And apparently Brad's sperm count is low. Or maybe he just got tired of fucking a stick-person. All that jabbing and poking.

Okay, so Brad and Angie skipped the whole putting the penis in the vagina thing and went for the sure shot. This is the 21st Century...lots of people do it. Especially rich people who can afford the procedure. Still, everyone's going to read hilarious stuff into this. Brad can't get it done or Angie's actually a lesbian or some other crazy crap. It's natural and harmless.

Nick Jonas Bags Selena Gomez

Nick Jonas - the one Miley Cyrus enjoys sending naughty pictures of herself to - is reportedly dating little Disney tart Selena Gomez. Reps for the Jonas Brothers were quick to deny this story however, saying, "They are not girlfriend and boyfriend. They're friends. All of the Jonas Brothers are friends with Selena."

All of the Jonas Brothers? Do they do her all at once or take turns?

Oh, I'm sorry...they're all virgins.

Bale in Barcelona

Christian Bale continues touring Europe in support of The Dark Knight, appearing here in Barcelona with his wife Sibi Blazic. What else can he do but put on a brave face and soldier forward? He shouldn't sweat it too much...he's just got a little more edge to his image now. Maybe Shia LaBeouf, who seems hell-bent on convincing people he's not a little pussy, should try popping off on his crazy family in public some time. You know, call his old man a "nigga" and such.

You Can't Fool a Dog

Jennifer Aniston may be head-over-heels for John Mayer, but her Corgi/terrier Norman apparently isn't. "It's funny because John likes dogs but for some reason Norman has taken a disliking to him," a source said. "Jennifer dotes on Norman and treats him like a child. But she has got to the point where she's had to keep him out if the way if John is around the house."

Jennifer's own instincts are obviously horribly out-of-tune, otherwise she would see Mayer for the heartless cad he is. Maybe the dog will do all womanhood a favor and bite Mayer's dick off.

Two Fake Winos

Madame Tussauds' waxwork of Amy Winehouse is about as flattering as she could've hoped for. They could've done her a bigger favor though and gotten rid of the hideous tattoos. If the thing breaks out in hives or keeps falling over for no reason, we'll know the real Wino spirit has gotten into it.

The Yorkshire village of Methley, in an effort to scare off pesky birds, has erected a playful, all-too-accurate facsimile of Wino. The birds are all gone, but now the place is swarming with drug dealers.

Hathaway's Diary Seized

The feds recently raided jailed con-artist Raffaelo Follieri's Trump Tower apartment, and among the items seized was a personal journal written by his ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway. The feds also grabbed some personal photos of Follieri and Hathaway, and other photos showing Follieri alongside Pope John Paul II, Hillary Clinton and John McCain.

Meanwhile, sources say Follieri has been trying to contact Hathaway from jail, but that Hathaway has had all her numbers changed. "Raffaello is doing very badly," a friend said. "He says people are abusing him. He’s a broken man."

All these cowardly pieces of shit claim abuse after they get thrown in jail - it's a grab for victim status and it's totally transparent. And Raffaelo should just give up on Anne - that chick totally sold him out. Allegedly, Raffaelo planned on staying in Europe while he was being investigated, but Anne lured him to America because she wanted to "talk about their relationship." And that was when the feds nabbed him. She was deep into it, no question.

Williams Moves On

Michelle Williams appears to have moved on from the death of Heath Ledger. The actress has been spotted around New York with director Spike Jonze, who was once married to director Sofia Coppola. "Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips," said one person who saw them together. "There was definitely a bit of caressing going on. She was clutching his arm. The body language was very romantic."

Great. Fantastic for Michelle. I'm sure Spike will be good with the kid. Too bad I find both of them boring. Sorry, not a Spike Jonze fan. I've never cared for high-concept jacking-off and muddy lighting. And Williams was overrated in Brokeback.

The Classics Never Lose Their Kick

A Wisconsin teenager is blaming the film Natural Born Killers for inspiring him to murder his 18-year-old girlfriend. Eric Tavulares, 18, told cops he and his sweetheart Lauren Aljubouri, whom he'd dated on-and-off since grade school, were watching the Oliver Stone-directed shocker the night he strangled her. He says they shut the film off halfway and went to bed, but then "but something caused him to switch mentally and he rolled over on Lauren Aljubouri and he began strangling her."

Tavulares, a recent high school graduate, had planned to study fire science at technical college before he punched his ticket to prison. Please tell me you have to go through some kind of psych evaluation before you can study fire science.

It's sad that a movie as bad as Natural Born Killers can have that kind of impact on someone. If this fucker Tavulares had any taste at all, dear little Lauren would still be with us right now.

Sienna Sues

Sienna Miller is suing Big Pictures photo agency and tabloids News of the World and The Sun over snaps of her naked and making out with Balthazar Getty, claiming her privacy was violated. Privacy? Oh Sienna hon...you don't get to tramp it up around the world for publicity then bitch about having no privacy. People like you wouldn't know what to do with privacy anyway. You'd get lonely and bored.

Lohan's Pit

Lindsay Lohan shows us the best-smelling part of her body.

Tisdale Gets Her Nails Done

Is she drunk? She's got worse wonk than Paris.

Where Did They Find Her?

View dingbat Sherri Shepherd - you know, the one who thinks the world is flat and childbeating is good - has topped her idiot self with her remarks to a Christian magazine about her sordid past.

"I was sleeping with a lot of guys and had more abortions than I would like to count," the moron bragged to a rag called Precious Times. She then went on to discuss her plans for luring Barbara Walters away from Judaism. "Oh, sometimes I say, 'Lord, [evangelists] Juanita Bynum or Joyce Meyer would be so good at this table. They could lay hands on Barbara and get her saved.'"

Barbara needs saving from what Sherri? The hell she'll be consigned to because she's a Jew? Why don't you just come out and say that? Oh, I see...you don't want to get canned from The View.

See? This is my problem with people like Shepherd...it's not that they believe idiotic things, it's that they lack the courage of their own dimwitted convictions. They water down the bullshit they hand out for public consumption because they know if they ever really cut loose they'd be mopping floors at Arby's in four seconds flat. If Shepherd wants to impress me she'll go on TV tomorrow and tell everyone what she really really thinks. You know, that homos should be burned alive, that Jews are Christ-killers and that the sun goes around the earth.

Pitt Pulls a Britney

The ever-present paps caught Brad Pitt driving a golf-cart with Shiloh in his lap. What kind of father putters down a dirt road 8 mph with his 2-year-old perched so precariously? He needs to go to jail, now.

Madonna Overworked

Madonna's vagina isn't the only part of her that's overworked...apparently all of her is. A report in the Sun says the singer has been receiving treatment for anemia, and also recently suffered a knee injury. Her bad health has apparently made her even stroppier than ever, leading to tension with the slaves who toil for her on the tour she's preparing. Doctors ordered her to ease up, so she has begun taking a day off every week. Why not do us a favor and take the other six off too Madge? Everyone's sick of you...especially the homos you've been ripping off for decades.

Peaches OD

Bob Geldof's wayward daughter Peaches nearly died of an overdose in her crib in North London Sunday night. "Peaches could not breathe for several minutes after suffering a respiratory arrest," a source told the Sun. "If she had not received [mouth-to-mouth] she could have died or she could have suffered brain damage."

Peaches' friend administered the life-saving mouth-to-mouth after finding her passed out on the floor. Good thing the friend acted so quickly...it would've been a shame for the world to be deprived of such a productive individual. The hard-partying spawn of celebrities are our most vital natural resource.

Edwards Busted

The Enquirer claims to have caught former presidential candidate and possible Barack Obama running mate John Edwards visiting his mistress and their love child at the Beverly Hilton in L.A. in the wee hours of the morning. Said mistress, a divorcee named Rielle Hunter, allegedly drove from Santa Barbara for her secret meeting with Edwards, who was in L.A. for a press event with mayor Antonio Villagairosa. Edwards allegedly visited with Hunter and his child for a brief time, then attempted to sneak out of the hotel...but was caught by Enquirer reporters. An account from the Enquirer website:

Senior NATIONAL ENQUIRER Reporter Alexander Hitchen asked Edwards why he was visiting Rielle and whether he was ready to confirm that he was the father of her baby.

Shocked to see a reporter, and without saying anything, Edwards ran up the stairs leading from the hotel basement to the lobby. But, spotting a photographer, he doubled back into the basement. As he emerged from the stairwell, reporter Butterfield questioned him about his hookup with Rielle.

Edwards did not answer and then ran into a nearby restroom. He stayed inside for about 15 minutes, refusing to answer questions from the NATIONAL ENQUIRER about what he was doing in the hotel. A group of hotel security men eventually escorted him from the men's room, while preventing the NATIONAL ENQUIRER reporters from following him out of the hotel.

Said reporter Hitchen: "After we confronted him about seeing Rielle, Edwards looked like a deer caught in headlights!

"He was clearly surprised that we had caught him at this very late hour inside the hotel.

"Some guests up at this late hour watched the spectacle in amusement from a staircase nearby."

The Enquirer has been investigating this story for months, and previously reported the existence of the love child, a report that was denied by Mr. Edwards. And do I need to remind everyone that John's wife Elizabeth is currently being treated for cancer? I know one name we can scratch off that list of Obama running mates.

Smart Move Ugly

Maggie Gyllenhaal admits that criticism bothers her...and that's why she no longer reads anything about herself.

The amount of scrutiny can be unbearable. It's sometimes really hurtful. I've decided, in order to protect myself, that I'm not going to look at any pictures [of myself] or to pay attention to anything anyone says about me.

So you won't know it if I call you a pug-nosed, Nixon-jowled, flappy-titted tumor? Well, that sort of takes the fun out of it...

One Messed Up Bat-Family

Christian Bale got arrested by London cops yesterday after accusations he verbally abused his mom and sister at a hotel. He was later released without being charged. The statement from Bale's lawyer:

Christian Bale attended a London police station today, on a voluntary basis, in order to assist with an allegation that had been made against him to the police by his mother and sister. Mr. Bale who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question, and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police. At this time, there will be no further comment by Mr. Bale.

The Telegraph said Bale yelled at his mom and sister and shoved one of them. It characterized the situation as a "long-running" family dispute. Bale's mom Jenny and sister Sharon refused to give any more details about the affair. "It is an extremely sensitive situation," Sharon said. "There is nothing more I can say."

Apparently these two bitches are total crackheads who resent Christian for going off to Hollywood and never speaking to them. Well what the hell do they expect? He's a big star and they're just dirtbags. So what if they're family? Anyone who's ever watched Behind the Music or one of those shows knows that family members cause more problems than anything. So, if Sharon and Jenny are the total cracked-out witches they seem to be, then Christian is totally justified in telling them to shove off. That being said...he's still a creep.

One Down, Three to Go

All you who were waiting for that big Golden Girls reunion...you can forget about it now. God made sure that will never happen by taking Estelle Getty at the age of 84. Estelle's caregiver posted on her website:

Sadly, today July 22, 2008 at 5:35 a.m. Pacific Time, we said our last good-byes to our little friend Estelle, who passed away and made her journey to the great beyond. Although it was a trip that she never wanted to take, she went gracefully, in the comfort of her own home, surrounded by her family and her very loving care-givers.

Estelle's legacy will live on and on through the comedy and laughter she gave to us all, which will forever keep us laughing out loud.

For us here, who have known and cared for her for so many years, we've lost our dear little friend who always kept us entertained by filling our days with joyful laughter. Estelle's fans across the globe have lost the feisty little lady known as Sophia Petrillo, whose quick wit, cutting remarks, and outrageous punch lines will forever be quoted and remembered.

Estelle was a fighter. She always stood up for the underdogs, fought for equality for all, and always pictured a world filled with "Love and Laughter" —her most favorite catch phrase.

Estelle, we love you and will miss you dearly. We pray that you are met at the Pearly Gate with open arms and a warm welcome by all who have passed before you. If there's a stage over there, I know you'll be on it. If there's a thrift shop, I know you'll be shopping, and if there's a deli, I know you'll be eating there holding court with Rhoda and Sylvia ... and the laughter will be heard throughout the heavens.

Goodbye, dear friend. Thank you for all the talent and love that you've shared with us during your time here on Earth. You have touched my life, and the lives of so many others who will never forget you.

Look at the bright side caregiver...at least you won't have to change her shitty diapers anymore.

Grungy Shia

Shia LaBeouf's coolness knows no bounds. Flannel and sneakers? Beam me up, 1991.

First Picture of One of the Twins?

Someone got some snaps of Brad, Angie and the kids relaxing post-birth. We see Angelina holding what appears to be a baby. The awkwardness of her grasp leads one to believe that is not one of her newborn twins. One of Shiloh's ugly white dolls? Some other random kid she picked up and decided to tote around like a sack of potatoes?



Brad's parents are in this pic as well. Maddox appears to have the blonde mohawk thing going. I feel like a peeping tom for looking at this.

Update: Bat-Creep

Christian Bale could be in trouble after his mother and sister leveled assault allegations against him in London. Bale's family members say the actor "lashed out" at them in the Dorchester Hotel Sunday night. London cops intend questioning Bale, but are waiting until the actor is done with his Dark Knight promotional duties.

"It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don't yet know is founded in truth," a police source told the Sun. "But Mr. Bale will be contacted at the earliest opportunity and be asked to provide an account of anything that happened."

I've always thought there was something off about Bale. He just gives off a creepy vibe. It's helped him in his film career, playing nuts like in American Psycho, but in real life that kind of thing is not helpful. It's no fun being around this guy, I'm guessing.

Update: Bale was arrested Tuesday by London police. He is currently in custody.

Clue Me in Please...

Minnie Driver has been pregnant longer than the Iraq War has been going on. I know because there are constantly pictures of her and her big old preggo bump. Why are there constantly pictures of her and her big old preggo bump? Is there some rule that anyone semi-famous who gets pregnant must have their picture splashed all over everywhere? Honestly, who gives a fuck? What has Minnie Driver done worth mentioning since Good Will Hunting? And don't throw The Riches up in my face. I saw a few minutes of that once...it's not that great.

He's Up to a Pack a Day

"Here crazy stranger lady, I found your cigarettes."

"Give those to me. And please, call me mommy."

"Is that a court order?"

"Sorry, We're Fresh out of Flak Jackets..."

Readers of this blog know there are certain people, prominently featured on other sites, whom I refuse to post about. The reason is simple: These "people" make me sick and I cannot be party to the perpetuation of their sham fame. Their ridiculousness is so obvious that I feel no need to emphasize it or otherwise point it out. However, I had to break my little rule slightly in order to relay this story, which has caused a great hope to swell in my bosom. Quoting (with names changed to avoid sullying my blog further than I already have):

Useless Twat says her late stepbrother — who fought in Iraq and Afghanistan — has inspired her to visit the Middle East to perform for U.S. troops.

“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” the Hills star tells Extra in a new interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Closeted Homo Douchebag to support the troops and go over there.”

Twat’s stepbrother, Eric O’Hara, 24, who was a veteran of combat missions in Iraq and Afghanistan, died in an accident in March at the Steamboat Springs, Colo., hotel where he worked.

While Twat and Douchebag are eagerly planning their trip — they may be getting a little help with travel arrangements from friend Meghan McCain, the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain.

“She’s very sweet,” Douchbag told Extra. “I think Meghan McCain is helping organize Useless and our Iraq trip. Her dad definitely has some pull with the military. I think she’s going to put that together for us.”

Just one little roadside bomb, well-placed. That's all it will take.

Getty's Marriage Kaput

Sienna Miller's new boytoy Balthazar Getty has publicly acknowledged splitting with his wife, designer Rosetta Getty. "The breakdown of a marriage is a very difficult and painful experience especially when children are involved," Getty said in a statement. "In light of the fact that many pictures have surfaced in print and on the Internet which has caused myself and my family great embarrassment, I felt it necessary to at least acknowledge publicly that yes indeed my wife and I have separated and I will not be commenting any further."

Translation: I was going to keep lying, but then I got caught, so now I'm telling the truth. Well, at least he's sensible enough to realize that you can't deny pictures. There are some celebs out there who, in the same situation, would say it was someone else in the pictures or the pictures were doctored or just flat-out say the pictures didn't exist even if we could all see them right in front of us. Meanwhile, Sienna is out there offering herself up to anyone who'll have her. What a gigantic slut.

27 Months for Blake

Blake Fielder-Civil got 27 months for beating up a bar owner. Amy Winehouse was not present at the sentencing...I guess the stress was too much for her. Blake could be out on parole by Christmas if he behaves himself. Will Amy still be alive by then?

Michael Savage Calls Autism a Sham

You know what those autistic kids need? A good smack on the ass. That'll fix them right up. And all those little bastards with Tourette's...just cuff them around a little bit. That'll cure them

This dude had a rough childhood.

Wentz, Simpson, Jonases

A gay orgy waiting to happen...with Ashlee Simpson thrown in. The Jonas Brother in the hat needs to stop trying quite so hard.

Top Gun 2?

The newest Tom Cruise rumor has Hollywood clamoring for him to revive Top Gun. "The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor," said an insider, "and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.”

I don't know if I've ever heard a worse idea. Which of course means it will happen. Hey, if they can bring back Rocky, Rambo and Indiana Jones, why not Top Gun? Cruise isn't nearly as old as Stallone and Ford. If he can draw all the middle-aged women who creamed their panties over him in the original, he'll have a big hit on his hands. And if he could somehow convince his pal Will Smith to sign on...well, this thing could be a monster.

Take a Hint, Jess

Jessica Simpson made her debut as a country singer at something called Country Thunder in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The former pop princess attempted to compensate for her lack of country chops by wearing Daisy Dukes, but this failed to distract the beer-swilling fans who'd assembled to hear the headliner, Sara Evans. "She's an embarrassment to country music," said one concertgoer of Simpson, with another adding, "It's crap. She doesn't belong here." Maybe she should've tried a pole dance?

Swayze Still Rolling

Patrick Swayze continues chugging away despite pancreatic cancer. No funny here I'm afraid...Swayze's alive, but still too sick to make fun of. If he were mentally ill like Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse or Courtney Love, then it would be okay.

Teaser for Marley & Me

Here's the first teaser for the Jennifer Aniston-Owen Wilson comedy Marley & Me. Is the dog somehow possessed by the spirit of Bob Marley? I don't know. The teaser is lame. Chariots of Fire? Nice current reference there. It was either that or a goof on True Heart Susie. There were innumerable pics a few weeks back of Aniston and Wilson chasing that dog around on that beach - now we know what it was about. And this is Aniston's big Christmas vehicle? And we wonder why Jolie is kicking her ass at the box office.

Halle Berry's Baby

The first known picture of Halle Berry's baby Nahla Aubry. Some trespassing was apparently involved in getting this. Hope the snapper was well-paid.

Suri

Darling little Suri...she has absolutely no idea how fucked-up and weird her life is. She's going to grow up thinking she has little aliens living inside her, and that Tom Cruise is just a normal daddy, and that all kids have robots for mommies. Her sweet sixteen bunker birthday party will be quite lovely I'm sure.

John Cleese is Banging This?

The legendary John Cleese is having sex with a 34-year-old magazine executive named Veronica Smiley. The name "Smiley" is somewhat ironic here given that Veronica's face appears to have been Botoxed into total paralysis. I'm assuming this chick has incredible sexual powers or a fantastic sense of humor...otherwise why would Cleese want to bang her?

There's nothing I hate more than discovering that someone great has absolutely no taste. It's as bad as John Lennon doing Yoko Ono or Paul McCartney getting sucked in by that peglegged whore Heather Mills. Even that old wash-out Ron Wood managed to land himself a young, hot piece of ass. You're telling me John Cleese couldn't do better than a budding Jocelyn Wildenstein? And John...she's clearly only fucking you to get into the will. She knows how astronomical her cosmetic surgery bills are going to be for the rest of her life...she's just trying to set herself up.

Courtney's Paltrow Worship

Courtney Love may be the greatest I've ever seen at talking crazy shit. She's the only person I can think of who could've possibly concocted the following:

Over the years Gwyneth [Paltrow] has always invited me out to London and I have always procrastinated. I was like, "What if I come out to hang out with her and Chris Martin, who is a genius, and me being such the opposite of who they are?" My "What if?" worries started to kick in.

So fuck it! I decide to go to GP and face my fears, I pull up to a neighbourhood near Chelsea. My anxiety is kicking in and I am terrified I am not good enough for GP, for their beautiful lovely home, and lovely lifestyle and lovely family! What if my hair is messy? What if my extensions fall out? What if I have lipstick and spinach stuck between my teeth? What if they don't get my jokes? What if they hate to gossip? What if I accidentally made a stain on Gwyneth's coffee table?

I arrive two minutes early, and before I can even light my nerve smoke, Chris greets me at that gate with a gorgeous smile and a big hug. As I enter the kitchen there's an ashtray, two lighters and two packs of Silk Cuts. Did I just fucking die and go to heaven? Next thing I know I am being kissed by a beautiful woman (GP), wearing an apron! She is all chipper and rubs my head and pinches my cheeks! I am so overwhelmed by the atmosphere and the fact I can fucking have a smoke without getting arrested or kicked out.

I give GP a big bear hug and just lifted her up off the floor and guess what? She is a slip of a girl and light as a feather and far more beautiful than should be legal with an IQ that I have discovered and cannot reveal, although it is out of this world and much higher than one might think.

This confirms what I've always suspected - all fucked-up "bad girls" secretly want to be prim, prissy, uptight, smug little twats like Paltrow. And yes, I'm sure Paltrow's IQ is much higher than one would think. It would have to be, wouldn't it? She is, after all, perfect.

Maggie Fugs Up Kimmel

Being in a blockbuster means doing the talk show circuit. All actors hate this, but it's doubly bothersome for Maggie Gyllenhaal, the noted academic, who is forced to suffer inane questions that are far beneath her. She tries very hard to be charming and cute but you can tell she just wants to get away. Nice Kimmel line about Katie Holmes being abducted.

Angie Out

Angelina has left the hospital with the twins according to an official statement:

Angelina Jolie left the clinic Santa Maria of Foundation Lenval around 4AM on July 19 with her babies, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. The mother and her babies are doing very well.

They were doing well until they left the hospital. Obviously, the statement doesn't cover anything that might've happened after that. So something bad could've happened since then that we wouldn't know about. But I'm sure nothing bad has happened. Everything's fine.

Trek Pic

This is a poster from the new J.J. Abrams Star Trek "reboot." I used to be a Trek fan - never a full-on Trekkie cause those people are sad - but by now I've totally lost interest. Somewhere along the line it went from being a cute little TV show and movie franchise to a "mythos," and that's the station I get off at. You can't take shit like that so damn seriously...I know it impresses the little creepy fanboys with their costumes and their plastic Vulcan ears but us layfolk who just want a chuckle can't stomach that. This is why I can't stand M. Night Shyamalan. He comes up with neat little B-movie ideas and treats them like he's doing Ibsen. Does every character in every movie have to be in the midst of a complete nervous breakdown M. Night? Is anyone in your little dipshit universe ever happy or just in a relatively decent mood?

Abrams isn't nearly as bad as Shyamalan from what I've seen so far...which isn't much (never watched Lost, saw Cloverfield and kind of liked it, sort of enjoyed that one Mission: Impossible flick he directed unless I'm mistaking him for someone else). It's possible he will take the Trek stuff and put a new twist on it that doesn't seem like a total jerk-off and the movie will be perfectly enjoyable. Actually, the most desirable outcome would be for Abrams to totally go off the reservation, and make a movie that so violates the vaunted Trek tradition that all the fans want to have him tarred and feathered. I'd laugh for a day straight if that happened.

Dark Knight Hype

The Dark Knight is getting hyped to high-heaven. Will it break $150 million this weekend? Will Heath Ledger get a posthumous Oscar nomination? Will Maggie Gyllenhaal inspire a whole generation of young males to give homosexuality a try? We can only hope...

I may see it this weekend, if I can gird up my loins and endure all those teenage boys with their Red Bull buzzes and Axe body-spray reek. Or maybe I'll take advantage of the emptiness of the other theaters to see something I've missed so far like Wall E or Journey to the Center of the Earth. I definitely won't be seeing Mamma Mia! I couldn't imagine anything lamer than a musical with Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep. Hugh Jackman should be in that...all musicals should have Hugh Jackman in them. Hell, all movies should have Hugh Jackman in them (I realize that would tire him out, but I'm selfish and don't care).

Speaking of Hugh Jackman...the only Christopher Nolan movie I ever liked was The Prestige, with its gorgeous lighting and twisty, metaphysically puzzling plot. I was never a huge Memento guy...just running the story backward isn't that great a gimmick, and Guy Pearce has always struck me as shallow. And Batman Begins was just a big fat snore. Truthfully, the only reason anyone cares so much about Dark Knight is Ledger. It's morbid curiosity mostly. It's probably an earth-shattering performance anyway, but the fact that he died is naturally going to make it seem more profound. So it's kind of cheating.

I notice I didn't mention Christian Bale. That's because Christian Bale doesn't interest me and never has. He's good at playing psychos, but when human warmth is called for, better get someone else. I bet he has a chandelier made out of a Chinese girl's skeleton stashed away somewhere.

Dan Rather is Senile

Dan Rather calls Barack Obama "Osama Bin Laden" on MSNBC. Time to pin a note to Dan's sleeve and find him a park bench. (I love how Mike Barnicle, Tiki Barber and Mika Brzezinski just ignore it.)

Ted Kennedy did it once too, of course.

Sure, Mischa

Mischa Barton has called her DUI arrest a "low point" in her life.

I never, ever would have thought I would be arrested. I was disappointed because it associated me with a group of girls that I would rather not be associated with.

Were Mischa pumped full of truth serum and forced to make a list of the real 10 lowest points of her life, the DUI arrest would probably not even make it. Trust me...this bitch has done and had done to her at least ten things that make getting busted for DUI look like a picnic. And I love that remark about how it "associated her with a group of girls she'd rather not be associated with." Paris, Lindsay and Nicole? You already were associated with them, Mischa. Who did you think people associated you with? Helen Mirren, Cate Blanchett and Julianne Moore? Keep dreaming hobag.

Mayer Hits on Writer in Amsterdam

John Mayer is still a dog it seems. In Touch features the following account of his prowling activities in Amsterdam from a woman he tried his charms on:

On June 20, John approached Chaton Anderson, a writer from Manhattan Beach, Calif., and sat beside her at her table. “I think he thought I was from Amsterdam, because he said, ‘I am John and I am a singer,’ ” Chaton tells In Touch exclusively. “I laughed because I knew who he was.” Chaton, 32, also was aware that he has been dating Jen. “I asked him what his relationship status was,” she explains. “He said, ‘It’s vague.’ I asked him what that meant and he said, ‘You know, it’s very vague.’ I just laughed. I never mentioned Jennifer and neither did he.” Chaton gave John the number of her prepaid cell phone — but the phone was later stolen. “I’ll never know if he called or not,” she says. What she did say is that John was acting very much like a single man. “I never would have guessed he had a girlfriend at all,” Chaton adds.

The stolen cell phone bit is a strike against the story, otherwise it washes...especially when Mayer uses the term "vague" to describe his relationship status. That just sounds like something Mayer would say. Otherwise this could be a struggling writer trying to make a name for herself in worm-like fashion. Come on though...does anyone doubt Mayer is still is a player? Aniston's problem is simple: She wants the excitement of dating younger, less-settled men, but still apparently craves a stable relationship. Well shit Jen, go out with someone old and boring.

Jive Jive

"Britney Spears Hard at Work on New Album," screamed the headlines from every blog in the land. And, "Britney Spending Summer Making New Record." All bullshit apparently...bullshit disseminated by Spears' record company, Jive, in a desperate bid to tear her away from the TV and movie projects she has her little heart set on.

Well really Jive, who gives a flying squirt? Let Britney do her TV cameos and her movie appearances. Let her devote her life to making the greatest jello mold in history if that's what she wants. Hasn't she made you enough money? You're like a pimp who doesn't care that his best ho is played out and flappy-cunted...you want her back on that street-corner even if it kills her.

I Beg to Differ...

Somewhere along the line I must've signed up for Us Weekly's daily newsletter, cause I get an email from them every morning updating me on the doings in Hollywood. This morning, the following headline appeared in my inbox:

Breaking News: Co-Star: Jen Garner is pregnant.

Obviously a huge development in the life of Jennifer Garner...but breaking news? Um, no. "Giant asteroid about to destroy Topeka." That's breaking news. "David Beckham rushed to hospital after tearing ballsack during huge gay orgy." That's also breaking news. Nothing involving Jennifer Garner's womb could ever be considered "breaking news," unless doctors discovered a cure for cancer or Jimmy Hoffa in there.

The Real Reason Kidman and Urban Won't Sell the Baby Pics

Why have Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban refused to sell pictures of their new baby Sunday Rose? Are they taking a principled stand against baby-pimping? Did they get low-balled in their offers? Or, is there a deeper, darker reason for them to keep Sunday out of the public eye? Is there a secret they're trying to protect? What might we find out if we got a good peep at little Sunday? Would we realize that she doesn't really look like either Nicole or Keith? Why wouldn't she? Mmm...maybe because she was adopted? And Nicole was never pregnant but wore a prosthetic bump all those months?

The whole thing was a big plot to make people think Nicole had her own kid, when in fact the kid was adopted. Because of this, we will never get a good look at Sunday Rose. Other people will of course, and they will make comments...but speculation as to Sunday's true origins will remain just that. There will be rumors and innuendos but no good pictures by which we might judge for ourselves. Devious.

Dick Out

Andy Dick has posted $5,000 bail and is out. The comedian was arrested yesterday after allegedly groping a 17-year-old girl and lifting her shirt. Someone needs to be a hero and accidentally on-purpose run this guy over with their truck or sic their pitbull on him or shove him off a cliff.

Let the Emotional Scarring Begin

James Haven has arrived in Nice to see his new niece and nephew Vivienne and Knox for the first time. You mean he wasn't there all the time? He wasn't in the delivery room making a video for his creepy Angelina collection? Well what the hell James? Not very supportive of you. I'm sure Angie will forgive you though. A little tonsil-hockey and everything will be fine.

I don't know about you, but if I were a new mom, I wouldn't want James Haven's child-molester face hovering over my newborns. That's going to give them nightmares forever.

Scrubs is Still On

Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence says the show's upcoming season will be the last for star Zach Braff - and may be the long-running hospital comedy's swan-song. "The end of the show will be about J.D. (Braff's character) leaving the hospital," Lawrence said.

Well, kick me in the balls with a wooden leg...Scrubs is still on the air? I mean, I know it's in syndication...they run it practically 24/7 on some of those awful cable channels like USA and Spike...but they were still making new ones? I thought that thing got canceled years ago. Shows what I know.

More Doherty Legal Trouble

Been awhile since we had a good Pete Doherty arrest story. No, he hasn't been arrested again...but he faces arrest, reports the Daily Mail, after missing a court date where he was supposed to enter a plea over charges he attacked a female photographer last summer.

Someone needs to explain to Petey-Poo that when you don't show up for court they come and get you. Did he think they would just forget? It's funny the way these people's minds work...it's like they project their own irresponsibility onto the rest of the world. Pete forgets stuff all the time so he assumes everyone else does. No Pete...the authorities actually keep records and stuff. They have their shit together, unlike you.

Desperate Dunst

Kirsten Dunst may have kicked substances, but she's yet to get over her habit of throwing herself at anything with a dick. Page 6 says the Spider Man starlet made a play for Into the Wild hottie Emile Hirsch after waiting around outside the Bowery Hotel in New York for him. That apparently didn't work out, because two days later, according to OK! Magazine, Kirsten was all over Drew Barrymore's ex Justin Long instead.

Poor Kiki...she doesn't realize that sex will never fill the empty place in her soul. Nor will booze or drugs or whatever else she indulges in. She needs religion. Kabbalah maybe or Scientology. Something to nourish her spirit and bring her out of despair (for a fee).

Chinzilla Speaks

Rumer Willis knows people think she's an ugly freak-face. Said Chinzilla:

Everybody has an opinion, and we live in America so you're allowed to. Hopefully, young girls will watch [me] and feel confident about themselves and go, "OK, that girl's not entirely the ideal of what a perfect picture is supposed to be and she feels confident and beautiful, then I can too." If we can have the ability to do that, I'm very excited about that."

As long as you are comfortable with who you really are and your friends and the people that are around you know that, that's all that really matters.

That's a nice, positive outlook you have there honey. Now could you do us all a favor and put a bag over your head? If you can find one that will actually fit.

Racial Slur Involved in Brolin Bar Fight

The Shreveport bar brawl that resulted in the arrests of W. stars Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright apparently began because some beer-swilling locals took offense at a bunch of tea-sipping Hollywood liberals attacking their guy George Bush (whose spotty career is the subject of the Oliver Stone-directed biopic). This wanton display of redneckery pissed off Mr. Brolin, who has shown a lack of anger management skill in the past, and fists started flying. Wright, who in case you weren't aware is African-American, tried to break things up, but a racial invective hurled his way caused him to get sucked into the fracas as well. Police were finally called, and reportedly had to taser Wright and then pepper spray both him and Brolin to get them to cooperate.

KTBS in Shreveport is now also reporting that a cell phone camera recorded some of the action...but, unfortunately, TMZ was unable to intercept it before it found its way to a lawyer representing Brolin and Wright. There are also sketchy reports that it was a cop who used the racial slur on Wright, and that the actor was "repeatedly tasered and pepper sprayed as he lay prone on his stomach in the street." Guess Louisiana is still Louisiana.

Zac and Becks

Zac Efron took time out from cavorting on the beach with Vanessa Hudgens to attend some dopey sports-related awards show, and got his picture taken with David Beckham. I wonder if David even knew who he was. He doesn't have teen daughters so he's probably not aware of High School Musical. Unless Posh is a huge fan, which is entirely possible.

The eyebrow contrast in this picture amuses me for some reason.

Katie?

Katie Holmes just keeps getting weirder and more fake. Seriously kittens...who the fuck goes outside looking like this? Besides creepy Southern chicks of the Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil variety. I'm telling you, something has snapped in this girl's brain...somewhere along the line there was a noise like a rubber-band going and now, this kind of shit. I guess this is what happens when you take your cues on how to look, think and act from someone as delusional as Tom Cruise.

Lopez and Longoria

Nobody likes anybody as much as Mario Lopez and Eva Longoria want us to think they like each other. It's not humanly possible. Especially when one of the two people involved is as huge a douche as Mario. I want to like Longoria, but her taste in people has to be cast in serious doubt over her attachment to this guy.

Also...is it just me or is Mario slowly morphing into Wayne Newton? Longoria's new hair is hideous too. Okay, I've judged them enough.

The Happiest Day in Human History?

Societal menace Andy Dick has finally been arrested. The alleged comedian was nailed by cops in the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta, CA at 1:15 this morning after he allegedly groped a 17-year-old girl's breasts and pulled her top down. Police found pot and a Xanax in his possession after the arrest (check his rectum for the rest of it). The initial call was made after someone, probably Dick, caused a disturbance in the parking lot by urinating. He is being held on $5,000 bail, charged with drug possession and sexual battery.

What Dick did isn't enough to get him sent to the pen forever, but nevertheless, I am happy. I have been wishing for this day for many years and at last it has come. This is so many times better than Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie being sent to jail...those bitches are mere annoyances, but Andy Dick is so irritating he is actually destructive. I believe that Dick's very presence on earth has eroded our sanity to the point where we're about to go extinct. Hopefully, he will now do us all the favor of killing himself. Then the balance will be restored.

The Sham Continues

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are about as married as me and Vladimir Putin. So why do they keep it up? Okay, I know why he does...cold hard cash. But her? What does she think she's getting out of it? What is it supposed to be doing for her image or her career? The bitch makes no sense whatsoever. Plus she's stupid. She probably thinks those are real mice.

Who is She Kidding?

Maggie Gyllenhaal is leaving New York because, according to her, the paparazzi won't leave her alone.

It's a constant effort. When we moved out of the city, to Brooklyn, that helped a lot. Still, there will be paparazzi, but I just know. I will never take Ramona into SoHo, I will never ever take her into the West Village, because they'll pounce on her. We'll probably ultimately just move to the country.

Then you come into the city, you know what to expect, there'll be some paparazzi. I'll go to an event, I'll get dressed up, they can take my picture there [and] just have my family life be separate.

That's kind of funny because, in all my looking around for paparazzi pictures, I almost never see Maggie Gyllenhaal and her kid. Maybe once a month. Are they taking the pictures and just not putting them out there? Or is Maggie exaggerating the hounding because she desperately wants us to think she's important? And what's she going to do after she moves out to the country and can't find any academics to hang out with? She's going to be lonely with only people of normal brain power around. Maybe she'll go insane and kill herself! Nah...I ain't that lucky.

New Jibjab Song

Jibjab's new political parody video got quite the build-up. Is it funny? Not really. The visuals are impressive though. And, typically, Obama basically gets a free ride. He really likes change...he's a liberal weenie riding a unicorn. Meanwhile, McCain is keeling over from a heart attack and Hillary is bashing Bill over the head with a frying pan. They're all so afraid to attack Obama it's hilarious. The man has discovered the secret to avoiding criticism and satiric ridicule: Be black, and people will be so afraid of getting hit with the racist tag that they'll let you get away with anything.

Knox Almost Rex?

Brad and Angie ordered an embroidered playmat a few weeks ago that read "Rex Leon Jolie Pitt," a spy tells Rush & Molloy. So up until just a few weeks ago, they were planning on calling the baby Rex instead of Knox. They should've given Knox the middle-name "Boots." That at least would've been amusing.

Not So Principled?

Did Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban make a principled stand by not selling their baby pics...or did they just not like the offers they were getting?

"She wanted $3 million and we weren't going to pay that," a rep for one celeb rag said. $3 million is what Matthew McConaughey got...and it's twice what Jessica Alba got. You mean Sunday Rose's pics aren't worth more than little Whatever McConaughey's? No wonder Nicole refused the deal.

Oh, I'm sorry...they're above that sort of shameless kid-pimping. Right. Sure.

Rodriguez Snubbed

Alex Rodriguez threw a party at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club Monday, but someone apparently forgot to tell his baseball teammates, because none of them showed up. Madonna was supposed to be there too, but she also blew it off. Numerous "big-busted hotties" attempted to grab Rodriguez's attention while dancing to Madonna tunes, says Page 6. These big-busted hotties apparently didn't get the memo that if they want to bag Alex they have to adopt a fad religion first, then use it to brainwash him.

No Make-Up Gwyneth

Gwyneth Paltrow went to a charity event in the Hamptons...and apparently forgot to put on her face paint. Or maybe she developed some kind of allergy. Or maybe it's an evil plot by the Joker. Her looks are irrelevant anyway...it's her smugness that drives me nuts.

Helen Mirren Bikini

Here's the problem with this Helen Mirren bikini pic: It's going to make every 63-year-old broad think it's okay for them to saunter around in a two-piece. Closed-circuit to other 63-year-old broads: You are not Helen Mirren. You do not have her genes. Nor her commitment to remaining in good shape. Most of you had no business in a bikini when you were 23...at 63, wearing one would qualify as assault. So please don't do it.

Perry's Miley Wish

23-year-old "I Kissed a Girl" singer Katy Perry tells Steppin' Out which starlet she'd most like to smooch:

Miley Cyrus! She's the lucky girl. It's cool to hear through the grapevine that Miley Cyrus has my song as her ring tone.

Why is that cool? And why are you telling a national publication that you want to make out with a minor? Isn't it bad enough that your boyfriend Travis McCoy got arrested for assault?

This is all Miley's fault of course. If she didn't email pictures of herself taking showers to every Jonas on earth, pervs like Katy Perry wouldn't get ideas about her.

Dog + Rumer

The great thing about animals is that they're totally non-judgmental. They don't care how ugly or smelly or stupid you are. Or if you're a shameless fame-whore whose whole life is going from meaningless event to meaningless event, trying in vain to make people think you're a celebrity.

Well Aren't They Special

Botox-face and her drunk husband Keith Urban have rejected big-money offers for pics of their new baby Sunday Rose. A source told the Sydney Morning Herald:

They don't think it's appropriate to make deals. They are still deciding how they feel about [it] - if and when they will release a photo at all. But they realise there is enormous interest from the public and they are grateful and appreciative of that.

Their refusal to pimp out their kid makes them better than other celebs I guess. Or maybe there's something wrong with little Sunday. Maybe she got some kind of weird Botox infection and looks like a little wax doll. Or maybe she's already on the sauce because of her daddy's genes. A lot of things could be going on here.

Amy Killing Mitch

Amy Winehouse's father Mitch collapsed and had to be put in the hospital last week. The Sun says he has been suffering from panic attacks caused by all the stress of dealing with Amy. Yeah? I'd say the only thing panicking Mitch is the prospect of Amy dying and costing him a load of dough. How will he buy spiffy blue shirts and manly fringed scarves when Amy has croaked? I think Amy's whole self-destruction kick is just revenge on him. "You think you're going to live off me forever? Well watch me smoke this crack!"

Even the Jacksons think the Winehouse family is fucked up.

Wacko Likes Wall-E

Michael Jackson took his kids to see Wall-E at a theater in Las Vegas. There were security guards with them, but otherwise they were just like any family going out to see a film. "There were no disguises and the three kids weren't wearing the masks they've become famous for," a witness said. "They all wore red baseball caps. There was me, my stepdaughter and a Japanese couple and their kid - and that was it, so I think Michael must have picked a quiet day to come and see the film."

Yeah, what's with the red baseball caps? That's a little weird. Otherwise they seem completely normal.

Miley's Grandmother

I'm not supposed to make fun of old people. I know. But dang...Miley Cyrus's grandma. What's a delicate way of saying this? I bet she calls Barack Obama an "uppity negra." I'd like to see Borat take a swing at her. And maybe Miley should stop taking make-up tips from her ancient, Margaret Thatcher-looking gramma? Just a thought.

More French Fun

Jake, Reese and little Ava are also in France. Here we see them enjoying a little Bastille Day amusement. Am I the only one who thinks Ava is a dead-ringer for Abbie Cornish?

Anne Hathaway Back in America

Anne Hathaway thinks the heat is off and has returned to New York. She's single now and on the prowl for another man whose life she can ruin by ratting him out to the Feds. She's acquired a little dangerous aura for herself which should come in handy when she does The Princess Diaries 3.

Tough Guy Shia

Shia LaBeouf wants us all to know...he's a very manly young man and not the least bit gay. He calls his friends "dawg" and "my nigga" even when they're white. He smokes in no-smoking zones and picks fights with Walgreens security guards. He probably does fun stuff like hold bottle rockets in his teeth and light them. He is the coolest guy I've ever seen.

Those Gladiator Boots

Mary-Kate Olsen and the other trendy starlets all dig these Gladiator-inspired boots. Why? Because a bunch of designers told them they were hot. I'm convinced the designers are just having fun with these bitches now, seeing what kind of crazy shit they can make the dumb twats wear. Next year Mary-Kate and the rest will be sporting big hats that look like watermelons and the fashion mavens will all be off in the corner laughing.

Dark Knight Premiere

The Dark Knight is being rolled out with all the usual ceremony. How nice of Maggie to lower herself and hang out with mere actors for a little while. We all know she prefers the company of other academics like herself (snigger). Aaron Eckhart needs to be tied up in my closet now! Bale? Too spooky and intense. Plus his teeth annoy me.

Posh Normal

Victoria Beckham describes herself to Allure magazine:

I’m incredibly ordinary, a normal-looking girl, and I just make the best of what I have.

Liar. Not for a second do you think you're ordinary. I don't even know what to say about that last statement. That's the best you can do?

She talks about rumors that she never eats:

I’ve been accused of not eating for 10 years. If I hadn’t eaten that long I’d be awfully hungry.

Unless you were, you know, not actually human.

Khloe Kardashian Sent to Jail

Kim Kardashian's large sister Khloe has been sent to county for 30 days after violating her probation from a DUI charge. I was going to make a joke about her turning lesbian in the slammer but by the look of her, that ship sailed awhile ago.

(This post may seem a little skimpy to you. Just remember that it concerns a Kardashian, and you will realize that it is in fact far too long.)

Doesn't He Have Anything Better to Do?

The mayor of Nice came out to show the press Knox and Vivienne's birth certificates. "I'm very happy for Brad and Angelina and thrilled that their children will have a connection to our wonderful city of Nice forever," the dumb bastard said. Wow. I used to respect the French - they make better movies than anyone and the food...fantastic - but I may have to reassess. First that Nazi Sarkozy gets elected, and now this. I fear France may soon be more of a shithole than even Alabama.

Taunting

Baseball player Alex Rodriguez is taunted by fans holding up pictures of Madonna. Alex is thinking, "Jesus, did I actually fuck that old bag? I was so wasted."

The Nose-Job Twins

Miley Cyrus is hanging out with Ashley Tisdale. Ashley is 23 and Miley is 15. Moms...would you let your 15-year-old daughter traipse around Beverly Hills with a 23-year-old whom she wasn't related to? Actually, at this point, Miley may be a worse influence on Ashley. At least when Ashley sends her naked pics to a Jonas Brother, there's no legal concern.

Joke's On Someone

Why are Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake smiling?

A. She just sucked his dick.
B. He just sucked her dick.
C. They just watched one of Biel's pitbulls tear a poodle to shreds.
D. They just saw The Seventh Seal and didn't really get it.
E. They're just flat-out retarded.

Open Mouth, Insert Whatever

What happens in Jessica Simpson's brain every time a camera comes near her? Why does she have this weird instinct to open her mouth? I have a theory: I think Papa Joe used to videotape her sucking his dick. So, now, every time she sees a camera, there's this Pavlovian response. Well, I'm no Freud...it's just an idea.

Wood's Skank

This is the little Russian tart who lured Ron Wood away from his wife Jo (allegedly). Ekaterina Ivanova. She was dating some music technician, who told the Daily Mail all about being dumped for a Rolling Stone. "You never think you are going to lose your gorgeous girlfriend to a wrinkly old man - but that's exactly what happened," said the tech, Chris Kiely. "When she's had a few drinks, Katia is quite funny and she was cheeky to him."

Get a few drinks in Katia and she's hilarious. Get a few drinks in yourself and she's fucking Phyllis Diller.

Ron apparently had Katia model for him. There's a painting of his floating around depicting a naked girl, and people are speculating that this might be Katia herself. Good thing she's 19 or Ron might've ended up getting investigated like Pete Townshend.

Dear Miley...Please Stop

Miley Cyrus took more pictures of herself and sent them to Nick Jonas. Here she is getting all wet in a shower with her shirt on. Sorry honey...all those Jonas boys are gay as hell. And if they weren't before, they sure are now.

I hate to break it to you Miley dear, but you're just not that sexy...even if your daddy tells you you are.

Brad Cut the Cords

The gushy reports of what went on in the delivery room as Angie had her C-section are coming out.

"It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy," said Dr. Michel Sussman.

Brad then took on the task of cutting the umbilical cords.

"He was perfectly calm, totally determined, very pleased to be at the birth of his children, very moved and very emotional," reported Sussman.

Is cutting an umbilical cord a big deal? Can that go wrong in some way? Do you want a non-professional doing that? Do you eat that afterward like a sausage? Some people eat the placenta don't they? I think Tom did. If Brad and Angie really wanted to raise some money for the world's orphans, they'd have made a video of all this and sold that fucker. $20 million would've been nothing.

Christopher Ciccone Talks Madonna

Christopher Ciccone does not seem like a fool. He seems thoughtful and articulate and serious. He is obviously also resentful of Madonna...and he hates homophobic Guy Ritchie's guts. The best bit is when he talks about how Kabbalah "validates Madonna's bad behavior." He suggests that Madonna gets away with being a bully and an asshole more readily now because she's "got God on her side." There is no bigger signal of self-righteousness and egomania than thinking your words carry authority bestowed upon you by God. That's edging into psychosis.

Someone Kill This Little Bitch

Someone's using you Ali? Really? You figured that out? Holy fuck...a moment of epiphany from Ali Lohan! Next maybe she'll realize that she's a no talent little turd-bucket who needs to go to school and learn something! Isn't there some way Lindsay could cut these assholes off from her money? No...Dina's probably got it all set up so she can never be cut off.

Miss USA Falls on Her Pretty Ass

It might've been okay if she hadn't gotten up and clapped. The clapping says,"I know I screwed up but I'm soldiering on." Very uncool.

Exclusive: First Picture of Angie's Twins

You thought the Shining twins were creepy. These two will be playing doctor before they can walk.

Getty and Miller Caught

Balthazar Getty can now stop de