Thank You Ramona

The heinous Maggie Gyllenhaal says motherhood has at least partially cured her of the acting bug.

"I do think that it's really difficult to get me away from [Ramona]," she said. "It's difficult to find a script that's good enough for me to think, 'Okay, I really need to do this instead of being with my daughter.'"

Ramona...you have no idea what a service you've done the human race by coming along and discouraging your mother from taking acting roles. Statues will be erected to you in the future, Ramona. You will be hailed for all-times as the one who at last rescued our eyes from the oppressive ugliness of she who brought you into the world.

All hail, Ramona the Great!!!

Ian McKellen and His Boyfriend?

Ian McKellen is helped out of the Saint Tropez surf by some skinny, young dude. Gandalf is still getting it done.

Patrick Dempsey or Ben Stiller?

Dempsey. Okay, he doesn't really look that much like Ben Stiller here.

Does having a thing for old sports cars mean you're only somewhat insecure about the size of your penis?

Prince Harry Almost Shows the Royal Dangly

Prince Harry all dirty and stripped to the waist, presumably while he was deployed in Afghanistan. We can only imagine what kind of crazy stuff went on with him and his buddies. You know how soldiers are.

Uma and Her Thur-Man

We can see who the boss is in that relationship. "I don't care if you are a rich financier...you're carrying the bags bud."

Heath Ledger's hair has been reincarnated on top of Arpad Busson's head.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner - Still Not Split Up

The blogs are already throwing dirt on Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's marriage - yet there are Jen and Ben still together.

How dare they defy the gossip bloggers?

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston Get Cozy

Jennifer Aniston enjoyed John Mayer's concert at Brixton Academy this weekend...then enjoyed mauling him in the backseat of a cab.

At least, I think that's Jennifer. We've got a hell of a story on our hands if it isn't.

Courtney Love Can't Afford Cab Fare

Courtney Love hurt her foot while out shopping...so she had her friend wheel her home in a shopping cart.

This was not mere eccentricity on Courtney's part...it was financial necessity. The bitch is just too broke to afford cab fare. Apparently, selling Kurt Cobain's ashes netted just enough for her to pay off the drug dealers. Now she's flat busted again. Maybe she could take up with Pete Doherty, kill him, cremate him and sell his ashes? There's a plan.

Eva Longoria's Shirt Message

10 Ways Eva Longoria Could Have More Privacy:

1. Become a nun (haaaaa).
2. Move to Antarctica and take up with a gay, French-speaking penguin.
3. Wipe all that gook off her face...then no one will recognize her.
4. Lock herself up inside her house with her vibrators and her mirrors.
5. Crawl the rest of the way up her own ass.
6. Cure Mario Lopez of his homosexuality, then run off with him.
7. Become the first chihuahua on the moon.
8. Move back to the Tijuana whorehouse she crawled out of.
9. Switch places with Teri Hatcher. No one gives a flying fart about her.
10. I don't know. Go the fuck away?

Trannies Want Victoria Beckham Dead

Victoria Beckham is Transsexual America's Most Wanted after openly lending her support to Project Runway winner and tranny-shitlister Christian Siriano.

The unabashedly homosexual Mr. Siriano first became a target of tranny ire for his use of the term "hot tranny mess" to describe a bad outfit. Then he made things worse by saying of the transsexual community:

If you think of heterosexuals, they have white trash women and trailer parks and we have drag queens and trannies.

An astute observation by Mr. Siriano. Unfortunately the truth hurts...and Siriano's words certainly stung the tranny community, which came out guns-ablazin.'

"Christian Siriano’s comments have outraged transsexuals across the country," said the Transsexual Alliance.

Poor Victoria Beckham got herself entangled in the whole sordid mess simply by supporting Siriano. Now the trannies are out for green alien blood.

"How dare she support this freak!” said a transsexual escort named Dawn.

"She might not have to worry about physical attack but boy is she going to be embarrassed when 50 of us turn up at her next public function and tell the world what we think…No one’s designs are going to do anything for an emaciated stick insect with sparrow legs like her. She might as well stick to the kind of ho-bag outfits we usually see her in. Come to think of it, she’d probably fit in quite nicely in a trailer park.”

Also astute. Really, both sides have made lots of good points. I hope my tranny sister/brothers keep this disagreement on a purely verbal, catty level. It would suck to see them get violent with Posh. I've personally witnessed a tranny beatdown, and let me tell you, you do not want to get stomped by a 240 pound she-male in pair of 10-inch platforms.

Sienna Miller is Carrying on With Balthazar Getty

Sienna Miller, who claims not to be a slut, is reportedly carrying on an affair with actor/oil heir Balthazar Getty...at the same time she was supposed to be fucking Matthew Rhys while on the rebound from Rhys Ifans.

Did I mention that Balthazar Getty is married? Now Sienna can add homewrecker to her resume.

Reports have Getty and Miller slinking around Hollywood, trying not to be seen together. "They went to great pains to find a place where they thought nobody would find them," a source told News of the World. "They daren't go out together, so they spend most of their time inside. When they do leave, they go separately."

Meanwhile, Getty's wife Rosetta Millington, a fashion designer, has packed up their four kids and run crying to Italy.

It's also been alleged that Miller's apparent relationship with Matthew Rhys was a smokescreen for her activities with Getty. Apparently, Rhys is friends with Getty, and actually introduced him to Sienna last year.

Still want to deny being a slut Sienna?

Anne Hathaway is a Stoolie

A friend of jailed con artist Raffaelo Follieri has accused his ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway of snitching on him.

"It makes sense," the friend told the New York Daily News. "She's referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up.

"I think that in return for her cooperation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country."

Clearly, that was a love for the ages Anne and Raffaelo had going. Look at the way she stuck beside him no matter what. Ha! Bitch cared more about her career than she ever did for that dirtbag. I can't say I blame her...men are a dime a dozen, but big-time Hollywood acting gigs aren't. Turn the pig in, disappear for awhile until the heat dies down, then get on with life. If the shoe had been on the other foot, believe me, Raffaelo would've ratted Anne out in a heartbeat.

Angelina Blows Up at the Box Office

Angelina Jolie's R-rated action thriller Wanted took in $51 million its first weekend at the box-office, making it the #1 June opening for an R-rated film in history, and the 6th-biggest first weekend ever for a movie with that MPAA rating.

As a service to you, his fans, the Crabster hauled himself out to this. Actually, I have to confess...I'm a fan of the director Timur Bekmambetov, who made the insane Russian action movies Night Watch and Day Watch. So I would've seen it anyway. But let's pretend I did it for you.

The movie stars the scrumptious James McAvoy as this incredibly nebbishy office worker who finds out that his father was a member of an ancient society of assassins operating out of a Chicago textile mill. I say "was" because the old man has been bumped off by this other rogue assassin who the weaver/assassins now want dead. So, McAvoy has to fulfill his destiny by joining the assassins and doing in the man who killed his father.

McAvoy's tutor is played by Angelina Jolie in all her hardcore tattooed glory. The problem with Angie here is the same as always...she's too damned impressed with herself and her zen bad-ass minimalism. And she's always got that little I'm so hot smirk playing at the corners of her lips. Thankfully, the movie does not depend on her. It hinges on the director's ability to conceive and stage outlandish action sequences, and weave them through a twisty, wholly unbelievable plot. Bekmambetov is good at that, though the movie lacks the darkly mythic gravitas of his Russian films.

Bekmambetov's trump card is his exuberance. He enjoys his work. He likes jokes but doesn't undermine his own effects by winking at you. His energies are infectious. I hate action movies that give you the feeling of mere application of craft - there needs to be some underlying conviction and Bekmambetov has that. A movie with this much carnage could easily become wearying, but Bekmambetov gets such a kick out of topping himself that you get swept up in it. As nonsense goes, this is top-drawer. And, without spoiling the ending...well, let's just say something happens to Angie that will probably get a cheer out of certain people.

Update: Amy Winehouse's Glastonbury Freak-Out

Amy Winehouse gave the fans their money's worth at the Glastonbury Festival yesterday. And she sang too.

The highlight of Wino's performance: She decides to mingle with the crowd, but someone does something she doesn't like and she punches them. Yes there's video:

Amy also pissed off the fans by continually mentioning her jailbird husband Blake. When they started booing, Amy said she was going to tell their mothers on them, then told them "manners cost you nothing." Bitch is an ironist too.

On the fashion front: Amy took beehive adornment to new heights by sticking little Pina Colada umbrellas in hers. She also attempted to set a new world record for gum-spitting. And she demonstrated her emceeing aptitude by introducing the next performer, Jay-Z, with this nugget:

Be grateful you aren't getting Kanye West as he is a cunt.

Sign her up to host the Grammys!

Update: Wino went back into the hospital a few hours after her set. There's nothing new wrong with her...she is merely picking up her emphysema treatment.

More On Why Clooney Dumped Larson

There are more theories as to why George Clooney dumped Sarah Larson than there are 9/11 conspiracy scenarios. The latest, from the Enquirer's Mike Walker: Larson started fucking with Clooney's domestic affairs; George found out and wasn't happy.

"Word’s just now drifting out from the star’s inner circle that Sarah, who once depended on tips herself as a scantily clad booze-server in Vegas, suddenly started acting like the future Missus Clooney around The Man’s household, cruelly ordering cutbacks to the hefty gratuities Generous George regularly lavishes on his personal staff," Walker reports.

"For months, Clooney had no clue about Stingy Sarah’s sly cutbacks, but when worried staffers finally asked one of his higher-ups if the boss had trimmed everyone’s tips because he was unhappy with their work, the whistle finally blew loudly in the star’s ear and he went ballistic - raging that NO ONE had the right to countermand his orders! Just days after Clooney’s shocking discovery, it was suddenly 'See ya, Sarah!'"

Either Sarah Larson is evil, or someone is trying awfully hard to paint her as evil. Maybe the bust-up with George was more acrimonious than we thought and George is trying to crush her by having his people leak these stories about her. Sarah should come back by saying George has a small pee-pee or that he's gay or wears He-Man jammies or something.

Guy Ritchie Says Goodbye to Madonna, Kabbalah

The less-than-shocking Madonna-Guy Ritchie split may have been partly brought about by Ritchie's rejection of Madonna's pet religion Kabbalah.

"[Guy] has gone hot and cold on the religion in the past, but now he’s given up on it altogether," a source told The Sun. "It has always been her thing and is more a part of her life than ever.

"Guy threw himself into it at first and even filled his movie Revolver with obscure references to the faith.

"He was genuinely into it and it helped the bond between them. But then he backtracked a little with his gestures of public backing, like wearing the bracelet, because he didn’t like being such a high-profile follower.

"He also became suspicious of all the Kabbalah crowd living off her money.

"But he always told Madonna he had kept his faith — until now.

"A few weeks ago he told her he doesn’t want anything else to do with it. It didn’t go down well."

Madonna doesn't want a partner to share her life with...she wants someone who'll tell her she's beautiful and smart and right about everything, even when she isn't. Guy couldn't go on lying anymore so she gave him the boot. She should find someone young and dumb she can program...you know, her own Katie Holmes.

Angelina Pissed at Her Gynecologist

Angelina Jolie's gynecologist has sent out a desperate call for the pregnant actress to get in touch with him.

"It is about time I examined her medically," said professor Alain Tressier of Monaco's Princess Grace Hospital. "I would like to go through the options available and plan the delivery.

"I was expecting to hear from her this week but this has not happened."

Angelina is reported to be holed up at the Chateau Miraval resort in Provence, awaiting the birth of her twins. But why has she not visited her gynecologist? Apparently, Jolie got angry at Tressier when he refused her request to close off half the maternity ward at Princess Grace Hospital so she could have her kid in private.

Well, I don't blame Angelina for being pissed. I mean, honestly...doesn't this Tressier character know who she is? She's Angelina Jolie - the most important person in the world. No - the most important person in the history of the world. If she asks you to close off half a maternity ward so she won't be bothered as she's giving birth, you just do it. If she wants the entire hospital - even the entire city - evacuated, you bow to her demand.

This Tressier is clearly not a reasonable man. If I were Angie, I wouldn't want him examining me.

(James Haven has volunteered to do the examination himself. And why not? He knows Angie's reproductive tract better than anyone.)

Amy Winehouse Shows for Mandela's Birthday

Amy Winehouse was in good enough shape to roll into Nelson Mandela's birthday celebration and do her thing. Let's hope she kept it at least semi-classy. None of that bit where she seems to pull something from her beehive and snort it.

I'm sort of disappointed, actually, that Mandela barred Naomi Campbell from appearing on-stage at the event. That would've been an amazing confluence of crazy...her and Wino. Who knows? Maybe they would've hit it off. Or, maybe they would've wound up in a shrieking cartoon whirlwind of claws, fake hair and drug paraphernalia.

Christina Aguilera Supports Democracy - By Going to Ivy

I never got why people thought Christina Aguilera was hot...until I saw this picture. Now I totally see it.

Is she digging in her ass?

Chris Kattan is Getting Married. To a Woman. One With Boobs and Everything.

Former SNL-er Chris Kattan is getting married on Saturday to model Sunshine Tutt. No, that's not a joke...her name is really Sunshine Tutt.

Sunshine's parents missed a great opportunity. They should've named her King...then she could've spent the rest of her life claiming Steve Martin wrote a song about her.

You may have forgotten about Kattan, so I'll refresh your memory: He played lovable characters on SNL like the monkey dude whose whole bit was molesting famous actresses, then he tried acting in movies but they all sucked. Then Andy Dick became famous for basically doing the same thing Kattan did, and he had no choice but to fade into obscurity. And now he's not gay anymore apparently...or maybe he and Sunshine have a really weird relationship.

Crazy Bastard Dives 35 Feet Into Kiddie Pool

Hopefully that water wasn't left from when the kiddies were using it. Otherwise, that guy will need his eyes checked.

More Lohans

Bible-thumping con-man Michael Lohan has told OK! Magazine that his daughters Lindsay and Ali have a half-sister they never knew about.

Creepy Michael confessed to having an affair while married to Dina (shocker). "Years later [the woman] contacted me, convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child," Michael explained.

OK! then got its hands on some letters Michael sent to the baby mama where he describes his daughter as looking like a combination of Lindsay and his son Cody. No Ali though...thank God for the kid.

The girl's mother has reportedly called on Michael to "take responsibility" for his spawn. Come on lady...everyone knows Michael has no money. He's just a simple man of God. He absolutely does not have millions stashed away in off-shore accounts.

The last thing Michael needs is all the women he's knocked-up over the years coming out of the woodwork. Trust me, this country is absolutely teeming with girls who look suspiciously like Lindsay.

The Mini-Me Sex Tape

Midget actor Verne Troyer is suing TMZ for disseminating a tape of him doing sexual stuff with a regular-sized woman. I don't really get why. This is the best thing for his career since Mike Myers spotted him at the Wizard of Oz convention. And it's even better for his reputation as a man. He should leave it alone.

By the way, I've heard that there's another Troyer sex tape. This one involves a gerbil costume and Richard Gere.

Jennifer Lopez Sued Over Dog Attack

A stewardess is suing Jennifer Lopez for $5 million, alleging the singer's dog attacked her while on a plane.

The dog, Floyd, is accused of lunging at flight attendant Lisa Wilson as she walked past Lopez's seat during a 2006 flight. Wilson suffered a bite that caused her to fall over and wrench her back, leaving her with debilitating pain.

There's a 90% chance this Wilson woman is faking it just to get money out of Lopez...but I don't care; I want Lopez to lose and have to cough up the $5 million. And then I want a concerted effort by the Congress of the United States to do something about the blight on our nation represented by obnoxious people and their obnoxious animals.

Why in the fuck do people like Lopez need to have their dogs sit with them on planes anyway? You can't handle a couple of hours without your dumb little mutt in your presence? Are you afraid it will be traumatized if it has to ride with the luggage? Actually, it's neither...it's pure entitlement. You're Jennifer Lopez, so you get to have your dog with you on the plane. And you don't care if that causes inconvenience or discomfort or even harm to other people.

What I wouldn't give for a bolt of lightning to strike this bitch down. It's almost enough to make me turn Christian, just so I could pray for that.

Anne Hathaway Has Abandoned Her Dog

Anne Hathaway's haste to get as far away from the Raffaelo Follieri situation as possible has reportedly forced her to abandon the former couple's 2-year-old labrador.

The dog, named Esmeralda, is said to be living at Trump Tower with Follieri's cancer-stricken mother Anna. "I feel bad for the dog," a source told Page 6. "She's a beautiful, sweet dog who probably greeted the FBI agents with her tail wagging."

Good one.

But seriously...Anne dear. I know you don't want to deal with any of that crap right now. I know you don't want to face the American press. I know you probably want to forget Raffaelo Follieri ever existed. But damn it girl...go pick up the fucking dog. Do you want PETA on your ass? Do you want to end up like Paris Hilton and the Olsen Twins? I didn't think so.

Orlando Bloom May Have Designs on Liz Hurley

Orlando Bloom's body language is not very subtle. If that ain't a "I'm gonna bang this chick" pose, I don't know what is.

And Liz Hurley...you're not royalty hon, so why don't you lose the crown? You didn't marry a prince...you married some rich Hindu. You'd be a cocktail waitress if there were any justice in the universe.

Clive Owen Has a Huge Head

I never noticed before what a gigantic cranium Clive Owen has. I guess most famous people do have big heads, but damn...that thing's freakish. Like, Olsen Twin-sized.

Uma Thurman Engaged

Actress Uma Thurman has gotten engaged to her boyfriend Stellan Skarsgard.

Okay, it's not Stellan Skarsgard...it's "financier" Arpad "Arki" Busson. Am I the only one getting a Raffaelo Follieri vibe?

Busson reportedly gave Uma an engagement ring so big she can "barely fit it through the sleeve of her coat." Tasteful.

Let's hope the wedding doesn't turn into a bloodbath like Uma's last wedding, which left her in a coma from a bullet to the head. Oh wait, that was a movie. I've gotta work on that whole "distinguishing fantasy from reality" thing don't I?

Madonna and Guy Ritchie End the Charade

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have decided to end their seven-year marriage. "They were both very calm," a friend revealed. "Madonna told Guy: 'I'm sorry, I want a divorce.' And he agreed. It was quite painless but very sad."

Richie allegedly still harbors hopes that the relationship can be salvaged (yet he gave in so easily?). He is also not expected to go after a big money settlement.

"Guy is a decent bloke, full stop," said a pal. "It's not his style to start profiteering from such sorry circumstances. He's got too much respect for his wife and children."

Plus he's afraid that Madonna will kick his ass.

Ritchie held on for 7 years with that insufferable monster. I say we give him an award...or a psychological evaluation. He certainly needs a thorough physical exam, and someone should definitely check him for lice.

For Madonna's part...she'll have a lot more free time now that she doesn't have to carry Guy. I'm sure she'll devote that time to a worthy cause...like her continued effort to convert the continent of Africa to Kabbalah.

Tyra Teaming With Miley for Teeny Talk Show

Media mogul Tyra Banks is joining forces with MySpace/YouTube tramp Miley Cyrus to create a new teencentric talk show.

"Miley already has a huge following among teen girls, so her show would likely be successful," a source said. "Tyra sees Miley's potential."

Miley's first guest? Annie Leibovitz.

"So Annie, tell me. What did it feel like to corrupt my morals?"

Then Billy Ray comes out in a clown suit, dumps a bucket of pudding on Annie's head and drags her out back.

In the meantime...could someone explain to me how the fuck Tyra Banks ever became as big as she is? This vapid bitch's popularity is only slightly less perplexing than the mystery of Judge Crater.

Nothing is Ever Easy for the Spears Family

Drama follows the Spears family around like Scarlett Johansson tailing a Barack Obama motorcade (while herself being tailed by Woody Allen). Of course Jamie Lynn's birthing experience was not going to be exempt from this. Star has the details (via I Don't Like You in That Way):

"The baby's heart rate dropped every time she tried to push," a family insider tells Star. "They did an ultrasound and quickly discovered that the umbilical cord was too short." But despite the doctors' dire warnings, the 17-year-old "was adamant about having a natural delivery." Everyone in the room at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss., pleaded with Jamie Lynn to listen to the doctors - including big sister Britney. Brit had already been with Jamie Lynn for hours, massaging her back as she endured painful contractions. "But she got mad," says the insider. She told Jamie Lynn to "just have a damn Caesarian," as she did. "Britney then ran out in tears because she couldn't bear to see what was happening."

Then a circus bear came dancing into the room, a bunch of clowns tumbled out of the closet and the whole place exploded.

Jamie Lynn has reportedly decided that having a baby isn't such a wild time after all, and has moved in with Lynne so grandma can take care of it. Doesn't grandma have enough work taking care of Britney? And since when is Lynne qualified to raise a kid? I mean, look at the track record.

David Beckham Comments on His Giant Billboard

Hi everyone,

Well I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures but last Thursday I went to San Francisco to see the unveiling of the new Emporio Armani campaign I shot a while back. To be honest I was amazed by the huge billboard poster outside Macy’s department store, but even more amazed by the amount of people who turned up to see it! I’m always surprised by the amount of attention certain things create, but the attention this campaign has created is pretty incredible. It was great to meet some of the people who’d come out especially though, I’ve always wanted to visit San Francisco, so it was a great to finally get there...

And San Francisco has always wanted to visit you, David.

Denise Richards Really Loves Her Pigs

A lesser blogger would go straight for the Charlie Sheen joke. But I'm better than that.

That pig needs a drug test now.

Courtney Thorne-Smith Perfects the Keira-Glare

Honestly, why are we taking pictures of Courtney Thorne-Smith and her brat anyway? Kathy Griffin has to be wandering around somewhere doesn't she? Go take pictures of her.

Matt Damon is a Fat-Ass

Matt Damon has a foolproof plan for winning an Oscar: He'll trick the Academy into thinking he's Philip Seymour Hoffman.

"I'm not Philip Seymour Hoffman...I'm Matt Damon, suckas!"

Ben Affleck snaps his fingers and says, "Why didn't I think of that? Oh right...I'm an idiot."

Forcing a Baby Through Her Twat Made Christina Aguilera Want to Vote

Faux-Latina Christina Aguilera told Larry King that having a child has given her a new sense of her responsibility as a citizen.

"Being a new mother, it was really important for me to get excited about this election," Aguliera told the senile old coot.

"I know just what you mean," Larry replied. "I get excited about erections too. Especially the one I have now. Mmmm Toledo you're on the air with Angie Dickinson..."

This is what's wrong with America...that people like Christina Aguilera are allowed to vote. Democracy only sounds like a good idea until you realize there's no mandatory IQ test.

And by the way...Christina dear. You claim to be so concerned about your little baby, yet you are photographed almost every night staggering out of some club.

Christina's so drunk, she thinks she has twins.

Jail Ruins Follieri's Birthday Plans

Raffaelo Follieri was supposed to head to Italy yesterday to celebrate his birthday. Instead, the accused swindler and former boyfriend of Anne Hathaway spent the day faking sinusitis attacks on a piss-stained cot in a Manhattan jail cell. While being serenaded by toothless crackheads. I love justice.

Barack Obama Attempts to Distance Himself from Stalkery Scarlett Johansson

Barack Obama doesn't want anyone thinking he's got some kind of Jungle Fever scenario going with busty starlet Scarlett Johansson.

Scarlett, who along with every other liberal pansy in Hollywood has been vocal in her support for Obama, claimed to have an "email relationship" with the candidate...but Obama takes issue with the word "relationship."

Barack says he received a single email from Scarlett, which was forwarded to him by his assistant Reggie Love, and sent a single polite response.

"I [wrote] saying, 'Thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,' and suddenly we have this email relationship," Barack said.

"Email relationship" was Scarlett's own characterization. Clearly, bitch is obsessed. There's full-on Fatal Attraction-meets-Mandingo potential here...I hope.

Ben Affleck - Angelina With a Penis

Ben Affleck went to the Congo to witness first-hand what happens when people have to live without valet service and proper hair-care products. In short? Not pretty.

Of course Ben wanted everyone to know that he'd made these three trips...so he went on Good Morning America to talk about them. And showed video of himself interacting with the disadvantaged. That's called raising awareness. Is Ben also a recovering heroin addict who dabbles in incest?

Dirtbag Bill Murray Divorces

It was only a couple weeks ago that we learned from Bill Murray's wife Jennifer what a degenerate boozing sex-fiend wife-beating piece of shit he is. Now Jennifer is officially free of the miscreant, having been granted a divorce which gives her custody of their four kids plus two houses and child support.

And Bill's free too...he can fuck all the bimbos he wants, drink, smoke dope, get in fights with other drunks and endlessly recite lines from his old movies in a vain attempt to not seem like a depraved old has-been. In spite of all this, I still love Groundhog Day and Lost in Translation. I'm not one of these idiots who expects movie stars to be paragons of virtue. I know most of them are assholes and many of them are unregenerate scum. I'm not naive.

More Follieri Scumminess

TMZ has unearthed yet another example of extreme scumminess from Raffaelo Follieri: The website for the criminal douchebag's Follieri Foundation claims to run a program giving out free drug cards to the poor. But, when TMZ sniffed around, they could discover no instances of drugstores actually giving out medication to someone holding one of said cards; plus, they learned that the company that co-sponsored the program had mysteriously ceased to exist.

On the question of whether Follieri's ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway might somehow become implicated in or at the very least sullied by Follieri's crimes...Well, the Crabster found a picture of her in a "Follieri Foundation" shirt talking to some little kid with Raffaelo sitting there looking all pleased with himself. I suppose it's possible that Raffelo duped Anne as much as the investors he allegedly bilked, and the poor people he never helped with his criminal-front charity. But I don't know. Anne's an intelligent, educated young woman. I still find it hard to believe that she was in the dark about what was happening. It wouldn't shock me to learn she was deeply involved in these scams.

Good thing she's already a lesbian...it will help her adjust quickly to prison life.

Keith Olbermann's Ketchup Fit

The untimely demise of Tim Russert hit almost everyone at NBC hard. Then there was Keith Olbermann, who was more broken up by the condiment selection at the funeral than the death itself.

Olbermann, who broadcast from outside the Kennedy Center the day of the ceremony, reportedly went ballistic in front of mourners who were filing into the building. And why? No ketchup packets.

"This place is going to hell," Olbermann was heard to rant to his staffers. An NBC insider defended the fat-assed liberal pussy however, saying, "Keith did not have lunch at the Kennedy Center and was not eating on the set because he was anchoring a broadcast."

Of course he didn't have lunch there...they didn't have ketchup. Keith Olbermann must have his ketchup!

The ketchup incident was only the capper on a rough couple of days for Keith. Reportedly, the bespectacled heart-attack risk and openly jealous rival of Bill O'Reilly got angry a few days earlier when he found out NBC had not sprung for a first-class train ticket, forcing him to drive to the funeral.

Russert dead. Carlin dead. Wide-load no-talent Keith Olbermann alive. Universe totally fucked up.

Nelson Mandela Wants No Part of Naomi Campbell

Naomi Campbell and Nelson Mandela have been tight in the past. But Nelson was so upset by Campbell's recent arrest for air rage that he decided to have her banned from appearing on-stage at his up-coming 90th birthday celebration.

"The man himself intervened and she was pulled off the list," explained a source. "He was disappointed with her recent arrest - particularly as she was wearing a 46664 baseball cap at the time."

46664 was Mandela's number when he was imprisoned in South Africa, and is now the name of his AIDS awareness organization. Campbell has done numerous appearances on behalf of the charity in the past...all without incident as far as we know.

Given all the shit Mandela has endured in his life, you have to believe he doesn't get pissed off easily. But if there's anyone who could do it, it would be Naomi Campbell. Gandhi himself would've probably wanted to kick this bitch's ass.

Ben Affleck May Have to Find Another Jennifer...Again

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are rumored to be close to splitting after three years of marriage. You homewrecker Jimmy Kimmel!

Affleck's reps denied the reports vehemently to E!'s Ted Casablanca, saying, "We usually don't comment on stuff like this. But you should know sources are liars. If you guys want to do the right thing, you won't post that item. It's all BS."

Casablanca claims the new report came from the same source who correctly tipped him off when Garner was dumping her old boyfriend Michael Vartan in favor of Affleck. I've now written three more paragraphs on this story than it deserved.

Matt Damon is Your Neighbor. You Know, the One on the Sex Offenders List.

I salute Matt Damon for going all-out on behalf of his role in The Informant. And I'm not just talking about the paunch...hell, any actor can do that. I'm talking about the hair and moustache and glasses. It takes real nerve to be photographed looking like someone's perverted uncle. He better win an Oscar for this one.

Heather Locklear is Anxious and Depressed

Heather Locklear has checked herself into treatment to deal with anxiety and depression. In other words, she is on drugs.

"Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression," said Heather's flack. "She requested an in-depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment."

Only Scientology can help Heather now.

Prince Harry Mingles With the Rabble...and Their Animals

"My God, Lily Allen...what are you doing here?"

Brooke Hogan Refers to Herself as "An Old Car"

Brooke Hogan has chosen to address the public's disgust and outrage at widely circulated pictures of her vile father Hulk applying lotion to her ass.

"I know I'm a grown woman, but it's like he's touching an old car," the she-male said. "He used to change my diaper!"

He used to change your diaper...which is exactly why he shouldn't be touching your ass!

Besides which, there's a whole lot more than just ass-lotioning going on in those pictures. You may be an "old car" Brooke, but that doesn't mean daddy has any business sticking his finger in your tailpipe.

(By the way...John Graziano will never get to rub lotion on any skank's ass again. Just thought I'd remind everyone.)

James McAvoy Enjoyed Being Beaten Up by Angelina

James McAvoy says kissing scenes with Wanted co-star Angelina Jolie made him nervous...but he actually enjoyed the ones where she had to kick his ass.

"I'm always nervous about doing the kissing scenes - they're never comfortable, they're always kind of weird, they're not enjoyable, do you know what I mean?" McAvoy said. "But the fight scenes, getting beaten up by her all the time is fine, that was fun. That's one of the reasons I did the job, is to do all those scenes."

Angie's good at beating people up. She practices on Brad. Of course she doesn't have to actually touch him. One look from her and he experiences incredible pain, especially in his former ball area.

Follieri Called a "Con Man"; Fails Drug Test After Arrest

The true scumminess of Italian businessman and ex-boyfriend of Anne Hathaway Raffaelo Follieri is coming to light.

Follieri, who yesterday was arrested on charges of wire fraud conspiracy and money laundering, is accused by federal prosecutors of bilking investors out of as much as $6 million, which the dirtbag then used to finance his lavish lifestyle.

"He is a con man, and he was able to defraud a lot of people out of a lot of money over a long period of time," said Prosecutor Reed Michael Brodsky. One specific allegation has Follieri claiming Vatican connections as a way of gaining advantage in purchasing church-owned property.

Prosecutors asked the judge to deny Follieri bail on the grounds that he was a flight risk, but bail was ultimately set at $21 million, and Follieri was ordered to home detention. It was also revealed that Follieri tested positive for opiates after his arrest.

The sniveling Follieri reportedly suffered an "attack" shortly after his court appearance and had to be taken to the hospital. It's unlikely that the attack was conscience-related.

Anne Hathaway may have bailed on this scumbag at the last second, but you mean to tell me she partook of his lavish, thieving lifestyle with him and had no clue the whole time what a crook he was? Yeah...pull the other one.

Pedo Freak Gary Glitter Wants to Make a Comeback

Gary Glitter is currently languishing in a Vietnamese jail, where he was put in 2006 after being found guilty of child molestation. He gets out in August though, and already has plans to stage a musical comeback.

"I have been thinking about the plan during my days in jail," the 64-year-old pervert said. "'I have an incomplete album that I want to finish."

Glitter's sentence was reportedly cut three months for good behavior. Of course he behaved well in prison...there are no 12-year-olds there.

Does anyone think this guy's going to be able to keep it together once he gets out? No way. Pedophilia is incurable. And there's nowhere left where he can practice his perversions either. He's already been jailed in Vietnam and chucked out of Cambodia. And Hong Kong heard he wanted to move there after jail and told him to stay the hell out. Even Thailand isn't sick enough for this guy. There's only one place in the world I can think of where he might be welcome...

Kathy Griffin Never Gave it Up for Steve Wozniak

Alleged funnyperson Kathy Griffin has revealed that she never went to bed with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whom she was supposedly dating for a significant period of time.

"We were dating, but were just friendly. I never fucked him or anything!" Griffin said.

"The truth is, we really were friends the whole time."

So Wozniak had to hang out with you all that time and you never once gave it up for him? That's just cruel.

On second thought, Wozniak should count himself lucky. I couldn't imagine anything more terrifying than Kathy Griffin's vag. Except maybe her face.

Courteney Cox and David Arquette Don Their Special Glasses

Now if Jennifer Aniston comes in the room, they will not be able to see her. This is the only way they can get a break from the bitch.

Dr. Drew Thinks Angelina is Still Using Drugs

Noted TV shrink and random celeb-targeter Dr. Drew Pinsky may have another apology statement to whip up after what he said about Angelina Jolie:

"I’m concerned with what’s really going on with Angelina Jolie,” Pinsky said in Playboy. “I’ve never seen someone remit heroin completely. You’re either still on heroin, Oxycontin or something else. Unless you’re dead. Is she still using something? Is she in recovery? If she’s in recovery, I don’t see any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts.”

I don't know Drew...maybe Angelina just believes in doing her recovery thing on a grand scale. It's not enough for her to just take her plant home and remember to water it...she has to treat all the miserable and downtrodden people of the earth like her plant. And adopt a few of them along the way.

Drew made these remarks about Angelina during the same interview in which he called Tom Cruise a Nazi. Basically, he likes throwing out random accusations against celebs...but his random accusations have weight because he has a degree and was on Celebrity Rehab.

Were it not for the training in psychology and the TV and radio resume...well, he'd be me.

Anne Hathaway's Ex-Boyfriend Raffaelo Follieri Busted

Anne Hathaway got away just in time. Today her thieving ex-boyfriend Raffaelo Follieri was arrested in Manhattan on wire fraud, conspiracy and money laundering charges.

Follieri and his charity the Follieri Foundation had been under investigation by New York attorney general Andrew Cuomo. A few days ago, Follieri's people released a scathing retort aimed at those they accused of trying to smear the Italian businessman:

It is worth noting, as you continue to attempt to scandalize a respected businessman and philanthropist, that the Follieri Foundation has vaccinated hundreds of children in Nicaragua and Honduras to date, in addition to recently rebuilding an orphanage in Brazil.

All apparently as a front for criminal activity. And funny that Anne bailed just a few days before Follieri was arrested. It's almost like she knew something...

Jada Wants Will to Take Some Time Off (From Sticking it to Charlize Theron)

Will Smith's wife Jada Pinkett Smith wants her superstar husband to take a break from work.

"I've been working a lot the last couple of years," Will said. "My wife has said we have to take the next five months off. I enjoy my job, I really enjoy working.

"She might need to be prepared to have lots of sex."

What kind of sex would that be Will? Wild "Back With the Wife After Fucking My Co-Star for Weeks on the Road" sex? The kind of sex that keeps her from going Lorena Bobbitt on your crank?

That's some job you have there Will...making movies, going on the road, hosing gorgeous Oscar-winners, getting paid gazillions. Yeah, you definitely need some downtime. Grab a spot on the Barcalounger, turn on the TV and just snooze.

Old People Should Be Put in Zoos

Okay, not all old people should be put in zoos. Some old people are cool...plus think of all those poor pigeons starving to death.

But there are some old people who should definitely be put away some place...and at the top of that list is Rod Stewart.

This is the kind of thing that pushes you across the line from harmless to disruptive - sucking on your old lady's nipple in front of God and everyone else including the dude with the camera.

I'm sorry, but Penny Lancaster's nipple can't be so marvelous that you couldn't wait to get inside to start tonguing it. Now we know where Kim gets it from.

Larry King's Wife Escapes Into Rehab

Chat-maven Larry King's wife Shawn has checked into rehab in an effort to kick pain killers prescribed to help her with her migraines.

Shawn also wanted Larry to go into rehab to kick Viagra, but he refused.

Shawn will remain in rehab until either Larry kicks or the Mayan prophecy comes true.

Amy Winehouse is Smoking, Definitely Not Hot

Amy Winehouse's people went out of their way to reassure us that Amy does not in fact have emphysema...she only has a lung condition that could become full-blown emphysema if she doesn't change her lifestyle.

Well, that's good news. I mean, it would be horrible to hear that Amy had actual emphysema and was in danger of losing her voice or dying. And it would be even worse to find out that Amy, despite all of this, was back to smoking again...

What? You can't be fucking serious. She just got out of the hospital, and already there's a picture of Amy puffing on a fag? Not to mention the fact that she looks like she hasn't bathed in about ten years?

I don't know about you, but if I got put in the hospital for anything, I'd make sure to at least get a sponge-bath out of it. And if doctors told me my lungs were shriveling up and dying? I'd STOP FUCKING SMOKING!

Guess the Fattest Country in the World. Hint...it Ain't that One.

A study by the Baker IDI Heart and Diabetes Institute concludes that the nation of Australia has officially become the fattest on earth, with 26% of the adult population qualifying as obese.

Australia overtakes the United States, which falls to second on the blubber chart, with only 25% of adults tipping the scales above the official fat-ass threshold.

“If we ran a fat Olympics, we’d be gold medal winners as the fattest people on earth at the moment,” said Aussie professor Simon Stewart.

A fat Olympics? Yeah, that would be hilarious. Big fat people trying to run, their faces turning purple and sweat pouring down, and big fat fuckers keeling over and dying.

And no assholes, the Crabster is not that fat...only a little thick. So save it okay shitfaces?

Sienna Miller's Fake Boobs

Sienna Miller has revealed that G.I. Joe director Stephen Sommers made her wear fake boobs when playing black-clad baddie The Baroness.

"[I wear a] tight black leather outfit," Sienn said. "And much bigger boobs.

"They gave me these things that looked like chicken fillets. The director said, 'I'm gonna be honest, I like girls with big boobs', and I don't have them so we made them bigger.

"At least he's honest. But I was mildly offended."

Isn't it horrible what women have to go through just to be in the movies? Well, Sienna should be pretty tough by now...she endured an entire shoot with Keira Knightley, after all.

McConaughey Surfer Pap Attack

Matthew McConaughey was trying to hang 10 or whatever the hell they call it when some paps descended on him, ruining his vibe. Some of Matthew's fellow surfer drones then went after the paps and started beating the unholy shit out of them. This reportedly happened at least twice in the last couple of days. Apparently there were hospitalizations and arrests...I'd find the exact details but, frankly, I don't give a shit.

Those surfer folks have some weird tribal thing going on that scares me. It involves talking like Spicoli, eating seaweed and wasting your life on what your addled brain has convinced you is a spiritual quest. The quest for the perfect wave. Is that anything like my quest for the perfect bearclaw?

Donald Trump: Naomi Campbell is "A Good Woman"

Hair-beast Donald Trump insists that, though Naomi Campbell clearly has rage issues, she is at heart a decent person.

"She has a little anger management problem," Trump said of the model, who was just sentenced to 200 hours of community service for going nuts on a plane. "You don't want to mess with Naomi. But she's a good woman. I know her well and she's a good woman."

I'm wondering exactly what Naomi did in Donald's presence to demonstrate her goodness. Cause I don't see the Donald as someone who's easily duped. If Naomi didn't have some little bit of good in her, Donald wouldn't say it was there.

Then again, Donald is clearly a guy who likes the pussy...and guys who like the pussy tend to get blinded in the presence of the pussy. So it's possible that Donald was hypnotized by Naomi's pussy into thinking she isn't a total fiend.

The pussy doesn't work on me, so I'm able to see when a woman is a fiend.

The Dog is Licking His Balls

Jennifer Lopez - Still a Giant Bitch

Pumping out a couple of kids has clearly not mellowed Jennifer Lopez - her bitchiness and monstrous sense of entitlement remain intact. An account of J-Lo's recent trip to the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset's Miracle Mile (via Page 6):

[Jennifer] demanded the store be shut down for her to shop alone, but they said, "Absolutely not." Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn't buy one thing.

It never ceases to amaze me that a person who became rich and famous essentially for having a big ass can be so convinced of their superiority. Honestly Jennifer...what have you ever done? You danced on TV. You were in a few terrible movies. You made plastic music. And yet the world is supposed to bow to you like royalty?

George Carlin is dead but Jennifer Lopez lives on. Where are those fucking razor blades?

Jennifer Aniston Follows John Mayer to England

John Mayer is set to begin a UK tour in Birmingham. Jennifer Aniston, afraid of leaving him at the mercy of those notorious British groupies, has flown into the country to meet him.

Oh Jen...you know you're just going to chase him away with your clinging don't you? Fake bluesmen like Mayer need their space. And their random pussy.

This will all end badly.

Amy Winehouse is Trying Not to Die

Amy Winehouse's father Mitch says Amy is "covered in nicotine patches" and "eating like a horse" in a bid to recover from the early stages of emphysema.

What about crack patches? And don't you think she needs something a little more substantial than oats? Well, he said she was eating like a horse. I don't think horses eat rib-eye.

Okay, so Amy got scared shitless by not being able to breathe and has temporarily gotten it together. But what happens when she gets out? Exactly...it's right back to the pipe. And it won't be Pete Doherty's fault either. Girl is a straight-up crackhead...ain't nothing can change that.

George Carlin's Successor

The only comedian who can hold Carlin's jock...Lewis Black (NSFW bitches).

George Carlin - A Modern Man

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson - Still at It

Lindsay Lohan's relationship with Samantha Ronson has now lasted longer than all her relationships with men put together...times two. This chick really digs pussy. You know this just burns up that bible-thumping father of hers. Unless she placates him by sending him tapes.

Camila Alves Hasn't Kicked Matthew McConaughey Out Yet

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves are apparently still together, even after reports of Matthew's insane weekend in Nicaragua where he tried to hit on every woman in the entire country (even the old ones with the long saggy tits). This relationship has no chance - Matthew is totally going to Tom Brady Camila. Is he starting to get a paunch?

Orlando Bloom Suns Himself

Orlando Bloom stands in a pool waiting for women to throw themselves at him. Or men. He's not picky.

I've had nothing but a bad feeling for Orlando ever since the incident where he wrecked the car and walked away, leaving his friends bleeding. That is the act of a truly vile person. And I don't care that he went back...his first instinct was to flee and he had to be talked into reversing course. I hope the women who got smashed up in the wreck realize now what a disgusting individual Orlando really is.

Cameron Diaz Laps Up Jennifer Aniston's Leavings

No, Cameron Diaz is not dating Tom Brady's retarded brother...that's actually Paul Sculfor, the model who was once going out with Jennifer Aniston.

Cameron looks very smug about having landed herself a model. I have to admit, it's a pretty good trick for a zit-faced chihuahua.

Us Weekly reports that Cameron and Paul shared a romantic dinner in West Hollywood on Sunday. Notice that these celebrity dinners are always described as being romantic. Celebs never have boring dinners or rotten dinners or even so-so dinners.

After dinner, Cameron and Paul kissed, held hands and walked around. They would've talked but, she being Cameron Diaz and he being a model...well, they just couldn't think of any words.

First Pictures of Maddie Briann Spears, Daughter of Jamie Lynn

Jamie Lynn Spears was unable to negotiate a deal to sell the first pictures of her newborn Maddie Briann...so she did the next best thing by throwing some of them up on MySpace. I'm sure this will encourage several more pregnancy pacts - as if the world isn't already filled with enough brats. Jesus, what ever happened to chastity belts? And now we don't even have George Carlin to make sense of it for us. I feel like throwing myself off a bridge today.

George Carlin is Dead

George Carlin, the greatest stand-up comic of all-time, has died at the age of 71. Heart failure. Bye George. You were a paragon of reason and common sense in a truly fucked-up world. You were our Socrates. (Clips NSFW. If you don't already know that, you don't know George Carlin.)

Tell me he doesn't look like a deranged Russell Crowe in that last one.

Heather Mills Finds Another Sucker

Heather Mills has found another man who's willing to stroke her stump. His name is Jamie Walker, and he works at a hotel in Tenerife in the Canary Islands.

"Heather is completely infatuated with Jamie," a source said. "He is a gym junkie and Heather has been boasting his body is so much fitter than Paul's."

Jamie is 36...so yeah, his body is going to be fitter than that of someone who was born during WWII.

Heather is also reportedly thrilled at Jamie's gentle way with daughter Beatrice. Great! Maybe he could kidnap the poor kid and take her someplace far away from her psychotic mother.

Obviously, if Jamie works for a hotel in the Canary Islands he is not loaded. So there has to be some other reason for Heather's attraction. And don't give me that "he's gentle with the kid" stuff...it's something way darker than that. The guy's probably a total freak who gets off on having a stump shoved up his ass. Sicko.

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley Not Such Great Friends After All

If I have to see one more picture of Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller pretending to be friends I'm going to puke. These two bitches hate each other. Especially now that Keira has reportedly landed the role of Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady...a part Sienna was hot to grab for herself.

Miller was so keen to play Eliza that she took singing lessons. But then Keira swooped in and stole the part away...even after Miller told Keira of her ambitions.

So yeah...don't tell me these two are being genuine when they act all buddy-buddy. Sienna would wring Twatty's little neck if she had the chance. And Twatty would stab Sienna to death with her hip bone.

Amy Winehouse Has Emphysema, Has Been Ordered to Stop Smoking Drugs

Amy Winehouse's father Mitch has revealed that his daughter is suffering from emphysema. Doctors have told Amy that if she doesn't stop doing drugs and smoking she will wind up in a wheelchair with an oxygen mask permanently strapped to her face.

"To think this could be my beautiful 24-year-old daughter's life is preposterous," Mitch said in an interview. "But if drugs mean more to her than breathing properly, then so be it."

Mitch also has a message for the people he holds responsible for Amy's predicament:

"I'm saying to those drug dealers, and they know who they are, if they are supplying crack to Amy, then they've got to take responsibility. I don't want her hanging out with her mates like Pete Doherty either."

I suppose we should all blame Wal-Mart every time a fat ass buys another shopping-cart full of Doritos too? And why are we dragging Pete Doherty into this? Amy was a complete druggy mess long before Doherty entered the picture.

Amazingly, Mitch actually has nice things to say about Amy's criminal husband Blake Fielder-Civil:

"Blake apologised to me for getting Amy into drugs and says he's going to try and put it right," Mitch said.

"Blake was clean when I saw him but he's told me he wants to go into rehab. We've organised it so that as soon as he's out, that happens.

"He wants to go from zero to hero. It's very hard for him being in prison, but at least he's been trying."

I doubt Amy will live long enough to see Blake out of prison. Plus the guy's a complete lying sack of shit who only wants to get his hands on her money...but Mitch is too blind and/or stupid to see that.

Obviously, what Amy needs is a full-on Britney-style life take-over. Someone babysitting her 24 hours a day. Otherwise she'll back back in the nearest ditch selling her twat for crack. And she won't even be able to sing anymore because her lungs will be like two pieces of charcoal. Brilliant.

Mike Myers is Awfully Demanding for a Little Canadian Twit

Mike Myers made no friends among Conan O'Brien's staff when he appeared on the hulking funnyman's late-night program last Wednesday.

The Love Guru star, reports Page 6, made backstage people nuts by sending them out for, "Silk nondairy creamer, Twizzlers and raspberry seltzer," then bitching when the seltzer they brought him was the wrong brand. Some poor sap then had to run out and get the correct brand of seltzer.

That's about the moment when I personally would've split the bastard's head open with a fire extinguisher. But then again I've always had anger issues.

In other news: Myers' new film The Love Guru is a huge box office bomb. I see Wayne's World 3 on the horizon. Or maybe he could go back to playing the nutty German guy with the monkey. He must've done something funny in his life that he could dig back up.

Denise Richards Going Bollywood

Lunatic pig farmer Denise Richards is making a last-ditch effort to rescue her acting career...by signing on to appear in a Bollywood super-production.

The Hindi film, Kambakkht Ishq, is set to be made at Universal Studios in Hollywood, and star Bollywood big-shots Akshay Kumar and Kareena Kapoor. The film's producer, Sajid Nadiadwala, has reportedly also gotten Sylvester Stallone to sign on for the movie, and was at one time supposed to be pursuing Arnold Schwarzenegger and Beyonce as well.

I'm guessing that Sajid couldn't get Schwarzenegger and Beyonce and has had to settle for Stallone and Richards. Denise's role is described as a "special appearance" - well really, what appearance of Denise's isn't special?

We might as well get used to these Hollywood/Bollywood teamings...because we're going to be seeing more of them in the future. And I for one am all for it. Hollywood movies are so boring and lame...an infusion of music, dancing and hilariously dumb melodramatic plotting can only be a plus. Soon all our starlets will be sporting forehead dots and marrying trees (a tree would be a major step-up in Denise's case).

Jamie Lynn Spears Leaves Hospital, Gets Police Escort

New mom Jamie Lynn Spears left the hospital today. She hid behind a sheet in the backseat of a Range Rover while her baby daddy Casey Aldridge drove. The happy parents reportedly received a police escort.

I hope Jamie Lynn is happy for her contribution to the collapse of America. Yeah, you know what I mean...those little brats with their pregnancy pact. Jamie Lynn and Juno are responsible for that. One of these days we'll figure out that some things should be stigmatized, for the good of society. Unfortunately we'll already be in some post-Apocalyptic wasteland waiting for Mel Gibson to come drive the gas tanker for us.

Campbell Cries Racism

Wouldn't you know it...Naomi Campbell is claiming a racist slur was behind the air rage attack that netted her 200 more hours of community service.

Campbell, who was arrested in April after throwing the hissy of all hissies on a British Airways flight, told Sky News that someone on the plane called her "a golliwog supermodel," and went on to call BA "disgusting." She also made it plain that it wasn't one of the arresting police officers who called her the racist name.

Funny, but I don't remember Naomi making these charges before. Oh, that's right...she was too busy denying that the whole thing had even happened. But she had no choice in court...she had to own up to what she'd done. And now that all that's out of the way, she's ready to talk about this alleged racist slur?

Get out of all our faces Naomi dear. You're nothing but a psycho-bitch on a hair-trigger. Hopefully, one of these days you'll piss off the wrong person, and then it will be bye-bye nutcase.

Doctors Don't Know What Amy Winehouse Has

Stories were swirling that Amy Winehouse had contracted tuberculosis. But doctors have now ruled-out TB as the cause of her respiratory woes.

So what's causing Amy to cough up blood? Doctors have as yet been unable to pin down exactly what sort of "chest infection" Amy is suffering from. It's possible that it's some entirely new thing that could end up killing all of humanity.

Great...we're all going to die of Amy Winehouse Disease. We should've seen this coming, don't you think?

Courtney Love Out-Keiras Keira

Courtney Love is even more of a skeletal mess than Twatty. Even Angelina couldn't save this disaster area. Stupid bitch keeps going around saying someone stole Kurt Cobain's ashes too. Liar! You sold them to a collector and now you can't face the shame of it. Why don't you crawl into your coffin and expire you murdering fiend?

New Paul Newman Pictures

New pictures have surfaced of a cancer-stricken, frail-looking Paul Newman pausing outside his Manhattan apartment building to chat with various folks, including the doorman.

The end comes to us all...not to Paul quite yet though. Here's a bit of Paul and Liz Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (meow indeed).

John Mayer's Life is Miserable

Faggoty Albert King wannabe John Mayer may seem like a happy-go-lucky guy, but he is actually quite tormented...and it's all the paparazzi's fault. Said Mayer of the paps' endless pursuit:

"It's so rosy... that these moments [of being chased by photographers] that are not at all rosy, are seemingly earthquakes of frustration and anxiety."

Wow...now I see how he got his reputation as a songwriter. That guy's practically a poet...if you disregard the fact that he sucks at putting words together.

John was then asked about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston. He refused to either acknowledge or deny that there is a relationship, then offered this gem:

"We live in a world where you can see everything about me. There's not a thing I could deny. So I'm not denying anything.

"Don't ever believe you have a secret. I think that's probably the moment when your head completely crowns inside your own ass."

Yes John. Um...indeed.

Brits Tell Martha Stewart to Stay the Fark Out

The British government has denied Martha Stewart a visa to enter their country on the grounds that she is a convicted felon.

"We continue to oppose the entry to the UK of individuals where we believe their presence in the United Kingdom is not conducive to the public good or where they have been found guilty of serious criminal offenses abroad," a spokesman for the Home Office explained.

Martha spent time in prison for stock-related tomfoolery. She is reportedly working to get the matter resolved so she can fly over to attend to some business. Were I the Brits, I would keep Martha on the blacklist. It's possible that these "business meetings" she has set up are actually part of some plot to take over the country.

I don't know for sure what Martha and her fellow conspirators might be up to, but let's just say that, if I were Gordon Brown, I'd have someone tasting my porridge for me.

Is Something Going On Between Charlize Theron and Will Smith?

Will Smith and Charlize Theron have spent the last week jetting around the world promoting their new big summer action-comedy Hancock...and many have noted how open the stars have been about demonstrating their affection for each other.

And Perez Hilton just had an item in which he claimed, via one of his sources (the same one who told him Mary-Kate Olsen was in the room when Heath Ledger died?), that Jada Pinkett Smith went ballistic on a red carpet when a reporter asked her about her husband's alleged carrying-on with Charlize.

It would be cool if Smith and Theron were fucking...cause the carnage when Pinkett found out would be crazy. She would make the Myanmar cyclone look like the breeze from a busted fan. She would kick Will out of the house for sure, and he would have to move in with Tom and Katie...which would make Tom very, very happy.

Disturbing Video of John Graziano

This is what God does to people when He wants to teach them a lesson.

Warning: It's bad.

Protein Shakes Made James McAvoy Fart Like a Spears

James McAvoy was using protein shakes to bulk up for his role opposite Angelina Jolie in Wanted. But the shakes gave him such horrible gas that he finally had to quit them.

"They really helped - but they do come with the unfortunate side effect of violent flatulence," McAvoy explained.

"I gave up taking them and just tried to eat as much steak and chicken as I could."

I've got all the protein you'll ever need right here James.

Rhys Ifans is a Bottle-Chucking Butt

Rhys Ifans is clearly not taking the break-up with Sienna Miller well. Here we see the "Welsh funnyman" (I'm quoting The Sun) strolling down a sidewalk with a beer bottle, getting upset at some paps and whipping the bottle which proceeds to shatter, spraying onlookers with broken glass. Cops were right there to question Ifans, but of course, he was let off with a warning. You or I would've been hauled in, strip-searched, flogged, ass-fucked (that's my favorite part) and thrown in Gitmo with the dirty Muslims.

Campbell Laughs at Justice Again

Naomi Campbell continues to behave exactly as she pleases without fear of real consequences. Today a British court sentenced the unconscionable bitch to 200 hours of community service after finding her guilty of assault for kicking and spitting on police officers who rushed in when she went ballistic on a British Airways flight.

"These offences are aggravated because they were committed within a lengthy incident in a confined space on an aircraft," explained the magistrate. "Whilst we accept that the loss of your suitcase would have been stressful your subsequent behaviour cannot be justified."

It doesn't have to be justified...she's Naomi Campbell. And now she'll breeze through some more community service like the kind she did in New York last year, and she'll be repentant for awhile and blubber about getting her anger under control, and then she'll be right back at it.

What's Up Jen?

Jennifer Aniston is back at her place in Hollywood. Guess she and John Mayer got sick of sexing each other up at Joe Francis's crib in Mexico. God, can you imagine the cleaning bill after that dirtbag Francis moved out of there? Plus it's impossible to find house-cleaners in Mexico. They all jumped the border. Maybe Jen and John like jizz-encrusted curtains and shit-smelling carpets.

Cousin Alli Crawls Out of Her Hole

Alli Sims, the 40-year-old alleged cousin of Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears, crawled out of the hole she shares with Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi long enough to make a statement about Jamie Lynn becoming a mom.

"I'm sure the baby's beautiful, and I'm so glad everybody's healthy and doing well," Sims said.

"I just wish them all the happiness in the world. I know they're going to have so much fun."

I'm still waiting for Alli to release that album she was making. When's that coming? I cleared a space for it on my shelf by throwing out Kevin Federline's CD.

Naomi Campbell Pleads Guilty to Aggressive Expectoration

Naomi Campbell has undenied her denials...she now cops to kicking and spitting on police during an insane hissy on a British Airways flight in April.

Naomi made the admission in court, entering guilty pleas on two charges of assaulting a police officer and one count of disorderly conduct. If found guilty of assault, Campbell could face up to a year in the slammer.

The April airplane fit was allegedly touched off when some of Naomi's baggage was misplaced. This led to her screaming at the crew, then attacking police when they tried to make her leave the plane. Campbell has since been banned from British Airways. Now if only there were some way to ban the bitch from earth.

Angelina Would Rather Mother Than Act

Surprise, surprise...Angelina claims she prefers mothering to being a movie star.

"I love being a mom and I do love travelling and the work I get to do with children in the field and with refugees," the bitch told MTV.

"Brad and I take turns working so instead of it being 'I get to work next,' it's 'You have to work next, because it's your turn. I'm staying home with the kids.'"

I'm sure Brad is really devastated when it's his turn to get away from that zoo. "Oh dear, do I have to leave now? My heart is breaking."

Karolina Kurkova Doesn't Give a Damn

Supermodel Karolina Kurkova has the fashion world buzzing over the state of her ass. Apparently, Karolina has been breaking the #1 rule of supermodeling by not puking up her meals. She stuffed herself into a bikini at a show in Brazil and pranced up and down the runway with all kinds of flab hanging out all over the place. If this kind of stuff catches on it could turn the fashion world on its ear. More likely, Karolina will end up being banished to the much less prestigious "plus-size" fashion world, while the main shows remain populated by shivering cokeheads with Dachau bodies. Someone tell Karolina to mix in a salad.

Tom Cruise, Will Smith and David Beckham Have Fencing Get-Togethers

What do Tom Cruise, Will Smith and David Beckham do when they hang out together? I could use my imagination...but I don't have to, now that Smith has revealed the nature of their male bonding activities.

"David and I go to [Tom's] home and just do fencing," Smith told the Daily Mirror. "It's a lot of fun."

Now I'm picturing Tom, David and Will in those crazy fencing outfits sticking each other with their foils. I wonder what kind of lube they use on the foils. How many points do you get for sticking Tom in the ass?

Update: Amy Winehouse May Have Tuberculosis

Amy Winehouse remains in the hospital. Doctors previously discovered that the singer was suffering from an irregular heartbeat (something that often happens to crackheads), and now they fear she may be stricken with tuberculosis.

"Doctors are still struggling to control her heartbeat but the chest condition has been really worrying them," said a friend of Amy's.

"She'd been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors are doing more tests to be certain."

Tuberculosis? What is this, the Victorian era?

Amy's various conditions may force her to cancel scheduled appearances at Nelson Mandela's 90th Birthday concert and the Glastonbury Festival. Not a big deal since she probably would've blown them both off anyway in favor of more crack-smoking.

Update: Wino's rep claims it's just a regular chest infection and not tuberculosis. Sure. And she's only got a little drug habit.

Somebody Throw a Bag Over That

Jocelyn Wildenstein got stopped by customs at LAX. I don't know about you, but if I saw that coming, I'd just let her go. I wouldn't care if she set off every alarm in the place and had the drug-sniffing dogs spinning around in circles. Fuck Bin Laden...that bitch is the real terrorist.

Die

I feel nothing but hostility toward Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. I want them to both disappear under mysterious circumstances and never be heard from again. Just to vent my anger, I'm going to watch that one episode of Deadwood where Bell got fucked up by Powers Boothe. That was awesome.

Sienna Miller and Jack Skellington

Sienna Miller and Twatty are out promoting The Edge of Love. Sienna's looking pretty good. Twatty...let's just say that Sally Struthers is camped outside her house right now with a camera crew.

Lindsay Lohan Sometimes Likes Boys

Lindsay Lohan has a new boyfriend...in her movie Labor Pains.

The pretend boytoy is Aaron Yoo, who also has a role in the forthcoming film The Wackness, as well as the re-make of Friday the 13th.

Don't worry about Yoo being able to handle Lindsay. He has plenty of experience with bitches, having co-starred with Shia LaBeouf in Disturbia.

Harmless

Drew Barrymore and Mac Guy are still at it. When will they get married and start a dull little family?

Jesus to World: Tim Russert Arrived Safely in Heaven

Jesus wanted everyone to know that Tim Russert had arrived safely in heaven...so He made a rainbow over Washington during the memorial service.

If heaven has a buffet, I'm sure Tim will be happy.

Courtney Love or Marla Maples?

It's Marla Maples, who's 44. She's pretty tight for 44 I guess.

Another Spears Enters the World

Jamie Lynn Spears had her kid. That's a nice way of saying it right? Not "shat out a bundle of joy" or "ejected a wailing little shitter?" I'm trying to class the place up a little, so no more "vag-monkey." Oh what the fuck do I care? My mother was planted long ago and she was the only one I would've worried about shaming.

They named the kid Maddie according to Us. That's different than what everyone was saying yesterday. Clearly, the Spears camp put out a little misinformation about the naming. Spearses are cleverer than you'd guess. Plus they know more possum recipes than almost anyone.

Follieri Angry Over Hathaway Split Reports

Corrupt businessman Raffaello Follieri is angered at reports that his split with girlfriend Anne Hathaway was brought about over his shady dealings being made public.

A flack stood up for Follieri's good name by whipping out the ever-popular charity work card.

"It is worth noting, as you continue to attempt to scandalize a respected businessman and philanthropist, that the Follieri Foundation has vaccinated hundreds of children in Nicaragua and Honduras to date, in addition to recently rebuilding an orphanage in Brazil," the rep raged at Page 6.

Surest sign that you're a douchebag: Reminding everyone, at the first sign of trouble, of all the little children you helped.

I thought people did charity work because they wanted to make the world a better place, not because they expected it to be counted in their favor when the time came to tally things up. Besides, who knows what else the charity could be a front for. People establish those foundations all the time, make it look good on the surface, then secretly funnel money into their own pockets.

Plus, Follieri just looks like an asshole. And that's enough for me.

Tom Cruise as Yoda?

Someone with too much time on their hands has created a series of images in which our favorite celebs are turned into Star Wars characters. The above is Tom Cruise as Yoda. Cause he's short, see? And an alien. And gay (yes, Yoda was gay).

Angelina as Amidala. Isn't Amidala Queen of the Galaxy in those movies or something? That's not nearly big enough for Angelina. She needs to be Queen of the Universe at least.


Amy Winehouse as Leia. If this picture were accurate, the Stormtroopers would be knocked cold by Wino's stink. Whoever made these pictures missed the mark. We wanted to see Wino with the doughnut hair.


Better than the beehive.

More of David Beckham in His Underwear

I could easily turn this blog into nothing but a showcase for pictures of David Beckham in his underwear. I hope Armani realize how grateful we are to them.


Folks in San Francisco are being treated to this view of David and his package. Across the street is nothing but fags with cameras.

Mischa Barton is a Fashion Goddess

I'm in awe of Mischa Barton. No one in history has had her ability to take random shit from her closet/dresser and mix it all together to create hideousness. And when you combine it with a stare even blanker than Paris Hilton's? Magic.

The shorts are the piece de resistance. That particular shade of yellow should never be seen except on a canary or a raincoat...yet Mischa makes it work.

Ali Lohan Lining Up Movie Part

Ali Lohan may soon be able to add movie actress to her list of accomplishments. The Blow II reportedly auditioned for a role in a remake of the cult movie Troll, and impressed the director with her talents.

"She was great," said John Carl Buechler, who also helmed the original. "The camera loves her. She's a really good actress...I am personally going to fight for her."

She gives good head in other words.

David Beckham Has Some Kind of Sea Creature Living in His Underwear

David Beckham is starring in a new line of underwear ads for Armani. This picture is going to be blown up huge and displayed on billboards. That thing billboard-sized will make the Cloverfield seem like a bunny rabbit.

No imagination required.

Links (Because I Care)

Mario Lopez named "Hottest Bachelor" by People Magazine. Eva Longoria agrees. Allie is Wired

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz celebrate Pete's 29th Birthday. How many fucking birthdays do these wads have every year anyway? Bricks and Stones

Cyd Charisse has died. I used to think she was a dude when I was younger. Gravy and Biscuits

Jack Black put Coco Pops in his butt when he was a kid. They're still in there. Dirty Disher

Jamie Lynn Spears to Be Induced

Pregnancy complications will reportedly cause doctors to induce Jamie Lynn Spears as early as tomorrow, reports the Enquirer.

Jamie Lynn apparently had an ultrasound last week which indicated the baby was in a breech position.

Britney and Jamie Spears have reportedly left Los Angeles to be with Jamie Lynn in Mississippi.

Who has their kid in Mississippi if they have a choice in the matter? Do they even have hospitals there?

Hopefully Jamie Lynn and the baby will be okay...cause it would suck if we didn't get to make fun of them for many years to come.

Nicole Kidman's Bodyguard is Willing to Die for Her

We already knew Nicole Kidman's bodyguard was willing to beat the shit out of photographers to protect her privacy, but now we've learned that he's also willing to lay down his own life for the same.

Stunned paps discovered the lengths to which Kidman's protector would go when they attempted to chase her and Keith Urban after the couple exited New York's Music Box. Their efforts were thwarted, they claim, when the bodyguard exited Nicole and Keith's SUV and lay down in the street to block any would-be pursuers.

"It was unbelievable," one pap said. "We couldn't move. I've never seen anything like this. After about five minutes, this guy just got up, wished us all a nice evening and strolled off.

"You can only hope that Nicole pays this guy a fortune."

I'm disappointed in the paps, quite frankly. I thought they were more persistent than this. Must be a New York thing. The L.A. paps would've just made a speed-bump out of the guy.

Brittany Snow's Lesbian Fixation on Natalie Portman

I don't know who Brittany Snow is, but she apparently has a lesbian fixation on Natalie Portman.

"I have a huge girl crush on Natalie Portman," Snow revealed. "I was at this Oscar party and I saw her and I was walking up to her. I was introduced to her by a friend and she had a little bit of spinach on her collar bone, and I reached over and picked the spinach off her dress. Totally creepy."

Well Brittany, here's what you do. You seduce Natalie away from that creepy Devendra dude, then the two of you move to California, get a marriage license and have some minister from the Church of the Penthouse Classifieds declare you woman and wife. And then you get a nice little condo, buy lots of flannel shirts and Indigo Girls CDs and live happily ever after.

Selena Gomez Denies Feud With Miley Cyrus

Budding Disney sensation Selena Gomez denies there's any tension between her and reigning teen-queen Miley Cyrus.

"We’re literally like, It's fine. It's all good," Gomez said. "She's Miley and I'm Selena."

Well she's got the whole identity thing squared away at any rate.

Selena, who stars in the Wizard of Waverly Place, says she's flattered by any comparisons to Miley aka Hannah Montana.

"It's a little overwhelming, but I think really, it's a compliment," Gomez said. "She's obviously extremely successful, and I think she's a wonderful performer...So being compared to her, I was very, very flattered."

Oh, you hate her guts Selena. That's okay because the way Disney goes through little teen personalities, Miley will be on the ash-heap in a couple of months and you'll be the one they're shoving down everybody's throats. It's a factory. Even as we speak, Disney is growing the next generation of teeny-bopper slut-stars in test tubes.

Tom Cruise Publicity Pic Controversy

Tom Cruise is once again embroiled in controversy...this time over publicity photos released to promote his forthcoming film Valkyrie.

The photos, which purport to show a side-by-side comparison of Cruise and the man he portrays in Valkyrie, would-be Hitler assassin Claus von Stauffenberg, were apparently put out in response to contentions that Cruise was miscast. Indeed, the photos seem to show a superficial physical resemblance between the real von Stauffenberg (left) and Cruise (right):


Unfortunately, the picture of "von Stauffenberg" appears to have been doctored. An untouched image of von Stauffenberg (the leftmost in the trio below) shows less of a resemblance to Cruise.


Slate took up the case, sending the pictures to a pair of photographic experts. The experts' opinion...somebody perpetrated some funny-business on the pictures.

"Look at the nose, mouth, and chin. Definite (but slight) altering. Also, the head's width is squeezed slightly," said Jim Fesante. And Holly Allen said: "To me, the nose looks different and definitely the eyebrows. Cheekbones and angle of the chin, too."

You don't really need to be an expert to see that someone took a picture of Cruise and married it to the picture of von Stauffenberg. And this bit of photographic trickery is supposed to reassure us that Cruise was actually a good choice for the role? Even if Cruise did bear a resemblance to von Stauffenberg, what would that have to do with his ability to play the part?

This is another example of how little respect Cruise and his people have for our intelligence. They regard us as peasants who will swallow just about anything. And even if it doesn't work? They'll just deny it, then sue anyone who presses them on the issue.

Timberlake the Golfer

A sports-fan friend of mine has informed me that Justin Timberlake is not just some country club wannabe, but is actually an excellent golfer. Well, it's about time Justin found something he's good at. Because, you know, the singing and acting...not pretty.

Make Me Care

Remember the good old days when you had to actually achieve some measure of infamy before the blogs/tabs elevated you to "hot" status? Those days seem to be over. Now you can just walk around dressed stupidly and you'll be everywhere. Like these little twits from Gossip Girl. What has one of them ever done, besides make Perez Hilton get a hard-on? Make me care, Penn Whateverthefuck and Blake Whogivesashit. Go to rehab. Get caught having public sex. Become the subject of homosexual whispers.

Look at the two of you. You're like the nice couple who just moved in across the hall. You don't play your music very loud and you're careful not to slam the door when you go out at night. Stop it before I puke up me frosted Lucky Charms.

Angelina's PSA for World Refugee Day

Of course they couldn't get through the whole thing without showing her. We had to know whose pukingly earnest voice it was.

You know what's most offensive about Jolie? That deep down, she really believes she's suffered as much in her own life as all those poor refugees she's advocating for. She looks at them and thinks she's one of them. Evil, psychotic woman.

Joan Rivers Booted From British TV for Cursing

Joan shouldn't have been booted for saying that...she should've been given a medal.

Fuck Russell Crowe and all his fucking fans. That fat Aussie piece of shit can go fuck a kangaroo.

Matthew McConaughey's Nicaraguan Crazy Attack

Bongo-playing apeman Matthew McConaughey has a baby on the way with Camila Alves, and is supposed to be winding his wild-man days down in anticipation of a life of domestic bliss. Unfortunately, Matthew doesn't seem to have gotten that particular memo.

Matthew showed just how unprepared he is to take on the responsibilities of non-insane adulthood by reportedly going on a crazy drunken spree in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua. Witnesses say McConaughey, who was in the country for a surfing trip, spent two straight nights at the The Iguana Bar swilling booze and hitting on everything with tits.

"He was so drunk he did stuff only a drunk guy would do," one witness reported. "He was acting like an 18 year old."

The first night, Matthew reportedly staggered out of the tavern and passed out in a ditch. The second night, he had to be carried out by some of his fellow bar-goers.

One victim of Matthew's amorous advances, a chick named Amber, tells of the lunacy that ensued when the actor misplaced his footwear.

"He stood on a table, screaming in drunk, broken Spanish, 'I've lost my flip-flops.'"

One woman tried taking a picture of him while he was on the table, and he grabbed her camera and tried to break it.

Apparently, Matthew was unsuccessful in getting any of the Iguana Bar's classy female patrons to fall for his charms.

"He was dancing with a ton of women but he was too drunk to go home with any of them," a witness said.

McConaughey's antics ultimately left a negative impression on many who witnessed them.

"He was on his own, which impressed everyone at first, but the guy drank everything and by the time he was carried out on Saturday night, everyone had lost respect for him," said one of the locals.

Sounds like someone's suffering a little pre-baby anxiety. I'm sure this will go down well with Camila Alves when she hears about it. I personally couldn't be more tickled. Matthew McConaughey remains the male Tara Reid...always and forever!

Alec Baldwin Thinks the Media Are Too Hard on Him

Alec Baldwin believes the media portray him in an unfair light by only reporting his occasional bad episodes.

"Well, if you have four bad days in four straight years, then all four of them are depicted in the media, then yeah [it's unfair]. The other 360 days of the year, when you're just handing out lollipops and riding unicorns through cotton-candy forests and everything's so magical, they don't report that."

Okay Alec...you've only had four bad days in the last four years. Please. You are one of the angriest, most unpleasant people on the face of the earth. If you'd had four good days in the last four years, I'd be shocked.

Here's how it works Alec...if you want to be portrayed positively in the media, you should cease sending crazed voice messages to your own young daughter in which you call her "a pig" and "a thoughtless pain in the ass." And you should stop writing inane essays on Huffington Post that only reinforce people's belief that you're an unhinged radical Commie nutcase. And then maybe you could lose some weight so it doesn't look like your neck is about to explode your collar. Tim Russert?

Tim Russert May Have Been the Pope

MSNBC has been offering live coverage of Tim Russert's wake. I knew he was Catholic but I had no idea he was the Pope. And he had a kid? Ain't that against the rules?

No Aniston-Connelly Feud Say Reps

Jennifer Aniston's flacks are shooting down reports that their client had He's Just Not That Into You co-star Jennifer Connelly booted from a planned Marie Claire cover shoot.

"There is no drama whatsover," Aniston's rep said. "Marie Claire wanted Jennifer alone. It was our idea to make it a group cover as Jennifer has a smaller supporting role in the film."

Oh okay...so it was only going to be Aniston, but kindly Jen came up with the idea of a group shoot. Connelly was excluded, the reps claim, at the request of Marie Claire, who wanted Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin on the group cover.

Well, I'm glad that's all cleared up. It's so refreshing to find out Aniston is not really a selfish bitch, but is actually the most wonderful, caring and selfless woman on the face of the earth. A veritable fucking saint, in fact.

Pete Doherty Takes a Bath

YouTube is the greatest invention in the history of the world. Thanks to this marvelous site, we are able to see things we otherwise would never have hoped to witness...like Pete Doherty taking a bath. In an actual bathtub. Not in a puddle of his own sick or feces or any other vile fluid. Not in some random toxic pool he decided to jump into. Just a bathtub. Filled with water. And Pete sitting there scrubbing away, happy as a cracked-up clam.

I Think Tim Russert Might Be Dead

The Tim Russert death coverage wasn't extensive enough...so someone decided to release this pic of Tim, his son Luke and wife Maureen Orth on their last vacation before Tim went room temperature on us.

Gosh it's sad that Tim Russert is dead. He was a great guy and a top-notch journalist. I can't help but wonder though...how different would the world be if reporters had been as dedicated to covering the Bush administration pre-Iraq as they've been to recounting every last aspect of Russert's prematurely-ended life?

Can the press really claim fourth estate status when it spends more time wallowing in grief over the death of one of its own than covering the government whose excesses it's supposed to be protecting us from? What did Russert live for anyway? Ratings? Ham sandwiches?

Naomi Campbell is Bald

Naomi Campbell has no hair. She probably tore it all out during one of her temper tantrums. You'd think someone of her means would be able to procure a wig that would actually remain in place.

PETA Attacks Jessica Simpson Over Shirt

PETA thinks it's bad that Jessica Simpson advocates the consumption of animal flesh for sustenance. That's what that shirt's about?

Here's PETA's statement:

For a gal who's best known for her less-than-stellar brains (Chicken of the Sea, anyone?) and her ability to proportionately fill out daisy dukes, I'm gonna go on record saying that if anyone had to wear a ridiculous shirt like this, I'm glad it was Jessica—as people are more likely to follow the opposite of her lead ... ya know, since she's so well respected and all (yes, that was difficult to type without tossing in a hefty LOL). Maybe the meat-eaters of the world will be embarrassed to be categorized in the same field as Jessica Simpson.

Whoever wrote that has an interesting sense of syntax to say the least.

By the way PETA-freaks...I thought this was still a free country. People can eat meat if they want. And they can also be a bunch of curd-sucking asswipes. Lucky for you, otherwise you'd all be in concentration camps, and therefore unable to release badly-worded statements against people no one really cares about.

No Juice

The Kate Hudson/Lance Armstrong story has no juice whatsoever. They're both just blah. At least when Armstrong was allegedly screwing the one Olsen twin (I forget which one it was now), there was a little cringe factor to work with. But if he dates Hudson...so what? They're so dull together that I could easily see them getting married and being happy.

Anne Hathaway Dumps Raffaello Follieri

Get Smart star Anne Hathaway has dumped boyfriend Raffaello Follieri, who has had his good name sullied by a series of scandals including a check-bouncing and an investigation of his charitable foundation.

"It's heartbreaking for her to dump him, and she's devastated that it's come to this, but she really didn't have a choice," a source revealed. "His scandals were hurting her reputation."

Hathaway was also allegedly ticked off by Follieri's late-night carousing sessions with models. They were seen to argue frequently during Follieri's visits to Anne on the set of her new movie Bride Wars. Clearly, this has all had a bad effect on Anne, who looked thin and sickly alongside Steve Carrell at the premiere of Get Smart (pictured above).

On the bright side...Jodie Foster's single too Anne!

Bill Donohue Rants About Angels & Demons

The Catholics are pissed because Ron Howard and Tom Hanks are making a movie of Dan Brown's Angels & Demons, a prequel to The Da Vinci Code. They're afraid, apparently, that if Opie and the guy from Bosom Buddies criticize them it will destroy their 2000-year-old church.

Honestly, when will the Catholics learn to just ignore this shit? First Madonna, now this Dan Brown crap. Don't they know they only legitimize this stuff by attacking it? Do they really think people like Madonna, Brown, Hanks and Howard are interested in anything but making money?

My favorite part of the above video (I apologize for making you watch FOX News) is when the Catholic League's official pitbull Bill Donohue talks about stuff being thrown up on the screen to be eaten up by "the gullible." The Catholics really resent it when anyone else exploits the credulous, don't they? "Find your own ignorant peons to rob you Hollywood bastards!"

Billy Ray Cyrus Talks Naughty Miley Pic

Billy Ray Cyrus allowed himself to be questioned yet again about the infamous Annie Liebovitz photo showing his little innocent daughter Miley wrapped only in a blanket.

Billy Ray should refuse to answer questions about the picture anymore. It's old news. But, obviously, it's still something he thinks he needs to defend. Why? It wasn't her fault and it wasn't his fault...so drop it right?

I love his defense of why he wasn't with Miley at the photoshoot: "I didn't have any choice. I had a show to do, and an obligation, to go to Washington state ... playing for the troops just back from Iraq." Okay Billy Ray...you're off the hook for being a shit father because you love the troops.

By the way...the day Miley officially becomes worth a billion dollars will also hopefully be the day the sun explodes, destroying humanity. We don't deserve to live if something like that can happen.

Posh Buys a Month's Worth of Food

Posh doesn't eat...she grazes. I bet she has four stomachs like a cow. Her emissions are responsible for global warming. Remind me never to go over there for lunch...unless lunch is David's meat.

Producer Admits Lohan Reluctance

The producer of Lindsay Lohan's new movie admits the studio was initially reticent to hire the troubled starlet.

"We were a little bit reluctant to work with her," said producer Lati Grobman. "But she's been amazing."

Lohan has been given high marks for professionalism and preparedness during the shoot for Labor Pains, a comedy about an office worker who fakes a pregnancy to avoid being fired. Unfortunately, Lohan's profile as a pap-magnet has caused problems for the production.

"Paparazzi are ruining my life," says Grobman. "This is the most insane thing I've ever seen in my life. They do things that are very, very aggressive. I'm not a producer anymore, I'm a police woman."

And this is worth the trouble why? Oh, right...cause Lohan is such a huge box-office draw.

Keanu Reeves is Very White

Water does not often touch Keanu Reeves...so imagine our delight at discovering these pictures of the Sweet November star actually wading in the ocean. I don't know who the woman is, but it's likely Keanu only met her a few minutes before the picture was taken. Keanu works fast.

Britney Moving Closer to Federline, Kids

Britney Spears' long-term plan for getting her life back in order apparently includes moving out of Hollywood and into a gated community in Calabasas.

Along with being heavily-fortified, the new neighborhood is closer to Kevin Federline's digs in Tarzana. Presumably, this would make it easier for the kiddies to be shuttled back and forth between daddy and that crazy lady who calls herself mommy.

I'm sure the residents of Calabasas will be thrilled to have swarms of helicopters hovering over them all the time, and crazy paps jumping their fences and trampling their flowers.

Gwyneth Paltrow Hates Everyone

Gwyneth Paltrow is an ugly, thin-lipped hag. And she's bitter and thinks she's better than everyone. Other than that she's fine.

Prince William Becomes a Knight

Prince William was officially installed as a knight in some ceremony of ancient significance. Whatever. Silly old British ceremonies no one really takes seriously anymore. Why don't they stop?

All anyone cared about was how William's girlfriend Kate Middleton looked. She wore a silly hat and looked a bit like Lauren Conrad. William wore his own silly hat, whose creation required that a rare bird lose its life. Harry had the decency to go without a hat, sparing a rare bird.

On another note...I just got through reading Pat Buchanan's Churchill, Hitler and the Unnecessary War. This book argues that Winston Churchill was as erratic and racist a maniac as Adolf Hitler and should not be regarded as a hero, but a war-mongering freak who purposely made world wars out of conflicts that could've been contained. This argument will come as no shock to those who already regarded Churchill as a bellicose blowhard.

My favorite part of the book was when FDR played the Brits toward the end of WWII, forcing them to hand over all their assets in the U.S. plus all their gold reserves. The Brits got revenge of course...by sending us Dame Edna.

Amy Winehouse Taken to the Hospital

Crackhead Amy Winehouse was taken to the hospital today after reportedly suffering an episode.

"Amy was at home this afternoon when she briefly fainted," said a rep for the drug-addled singer. "Fortunately, her manager's assistant was there to stop her falling."

"She quickly recovered and her father Mitch took her to hospital as a precaution. Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident and Amy is currently undergoing tests."

Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident? Don't they read the tabs?

The big story here isn't that Amy fainted...it's that she was conscious enough for the concept of "fainting" to have any meaning.

Scarlett Johansson is Stalking Barack Obama

Failed musician Scarlett Johansson has expressed amazement at presidential candidate Barack Obama's willingness to electronically correspond with her in spite of his busy schedule.

"Someone like the senator, who is constantly travelling and constantly 'on,' how can he return these personal e-mails?" Scarlett marveled.

A better question than "Why does Barack return Scarlett's emails?" would be "Why does Scarlett send Barack so many emails?"

Clearly, Scarlett wants to play Marilyn to Barack's JFK. We can look forward to Scarlett singing happy birthday to Barack somewhere down the road...then being murdered by the mob or J. Edgar Hoover or whoever the hell decided to have Marilyn bumped off.

By the way...all the talk about Barack being assassinated. If I were him I'd have the Secret Service on the look-out for a small, aged Jewish man in a rainhat and glasses.

Shocker: Jennifer Aniston Acts Like a Total Bitch

Jennifer Aniston has reportedly perpetrated an uber-bitchy power play against Jennifer Connelly, her co-star in the upcoming movie He's Just Not That Into You.

According to Life & Style, Connelly was scheduled to be featured on a Marie Claire cover alongside Aniston and fellow co-stars Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin. But the insecure Aniston balked at having to compete with the beautiful Ms. Connelly, and threatened to pull out of the photoshoot unless Connelly was dropped.

"It was all about getting Jennifer Aniston front and center and looking as sexy as possible," a source said.

Aniston and Connelly apparently didn't get along well while shooting the movie either. "There was no camaraderie between those two whatsoever," and insider reports. "They didn’t seem like friends in the slightest."

Well, people often don't get along on film shoots...that doesn't explain why Jennifer would be so selfish about a magazine feature that's supposed to be about publicizing the movie and all its stars.

It's obvious that Jennifer feels threatened by Connelly...a woman who is far sexier than her and has actually won an Oscar. Jen needs to suck it up and do what's right for the movie instead of being a bitch.

Ali Lohan's Face Breaks Out During Interview

I haven't been watching Living Lohan. Why should I when the juicy bits are all excerpted and put up on the web?

This one features the talented Ali suffering some kind of allergic reaction that causes her face to break out. It happens during an interview...Ali runs for the face cream, while Dina remains on the sofa spinning her lies. Then the dogs start fighting. Such contrived chaos...my heart can barely stand it.

Tom Cruise Thinks He's a Central American Dictator

Tom Cruise is so sure someone means him harm that he's reportedly armored up a whole fleet of vehicles and hired specially trained drivers.

“It sounds like he’s taken a page out of one of his action movies,” said a source. “A-list celebrities know they can’t be too careful. Tom’s vehicles look perfectly normal, but in reality they are more like armored trucks…”

Sounds like Tom has moved into that paranoid lunatic stage all cult leaders eventually get to. Won't be long now before he's leading his followers into the jungle to create Utopia...all the while preparing his plans for mass suicide in the event the outside world should attempt to stop him.

Bai Ling Models the Latest in Sporty Hooker-Wear

Bai Ling is what Paris Hilton would be if she were Oriental and had less class.

The great thing about this outfit is that you can go straight from the gym to working your streetcorner.

Joel Madden Insults the Animal Kingdom

Joel Madden played a prank on his blog. He posted the headline "WE DID IT!! NICOLE AND I FINALLY GOT MARRIED!! click here for the pictures!!" and then posted a picture of two monkeys getting married. So he's calling his beloved Nicole a monkey? I don't know whom to be more enraged on behalf of...Nicole or monkeys.

Yeah, you're right...monkeys. PETA needs to get on this now. It's emotional abuse! Monkeys all over the world are looking at themselves and saying, "I look like Nicole Richie? Waaaaaaaah!"

Forget about the dolphins Hayden...save the monkeys!

(P.S. - I thought Madden and Richie already were married.)

Rhys Ifans Not Suicidal After Miller Split

Rhys Ifans is reportedly having no trouble in the wake of his split with Sienna Miller.

"I don't know what's been in the papers but he was laughing and joking all the time on set," said Talulah Riley, who co-stars with Ifans in the new film The Boat That Rocked. "He was just one of the lads, you know. I didn't notice him down or anything."

Drugs...lots and lots of drugs.

James McAvoy Also Turned into a Puddle of Jelly Before Angelina

Brad Pitt isn't the only man to completely lose his balls when faced with Angelina Jolie's overwhelming feminine lifeforce. It also happened to scrumptious James McAvoy, who co-stars with Jolie in the forthcoming film Wanted.

"I was nervous but after five minutes I thought this is going to be all right, it's cool. She was in very good shape," McAvoy said.

"It could be anybody when you're kissing someone on film, you have to make it look good. She's pretty much in control of the situation."

Because she had her steel-claw hand clamped down on your manhood the whole time. One false move and...riiiiiip.

What You Gonna Do When Grazimania Runs Wild on You?

Hulk Hogan has received several threatening voice messages from Frank Graziano, brother of vegetative Marine John Graziano. Radio host and shameless pro-Hoganite Bubba the Love Sponge acquired copies of said messages and played them on the air. What follows is an excerpt from Mr. the Love Sponge's presentation...complete with bleeps.

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Good thing they translated that for us...I don't speak mush-mouthed asshole.

Am I the only one who pictures Frank Stallone every time I hear Frank Graziano?

Here's the problem for the Grazianos...it's kind of hard for them to hold onto the moral high ground when they go around behaving like that. Plus they're sort of playing into Hogan's hands. Hogan's whole thing is that John was giving off bad vibes and God struck him down for it. If John was anything like his brother Frank? I'd say he probably had a good striking down coming.

The happiest result here would be for Frank Graziano and Hulk Hogan to get into some kind of fight that ended with them falling off a cliff or perhaps getting chopped up by helicopter blades. Maybe they could sell the pay-per-view rights.

Billy Crystal Outs Jake Gyllenhaal

The DVD commentary for the new edition of City Slickers (why the world needed one of those is beyond me) features a juicy revelation by star Billy Crystal about the actor who played his 10-year-old son.

“He was always performing,” said Crystal of the lad. “He would sing from South Pacific and we’d all go, ‘He’s gay, he’s going to be gay.’”

And which young future star was cast in the role of Crystal's spawn in that particular film? None other than Jake Gyllenhaal.

And now you know...the rest of the story.

(Unless Crystal made the whole thing up as a way of trying to move more copies of the special edition of City Slickers. This could prove a bit of marketing genius. If it catches on...look out for lots more revelations down the road:

Future DVD Special Edition of War of the Worlds. Tom Cruise on Dakota Fanning. "I'll never forget the day I caught Dakota pleasuring herself with a bratwurst. I said to her, 'That looks like fun. Can I try?' It was a great bonding moment for us...")

Over-the-Hill Knightley to Be Replaced by Watson

Fat, washed-up twat-mouth Keira Knightley will be replaced as the face of Chanel by young, fresh-smelling Emma Watson.

"Emma has been slowly integrated into the Chanel brand," said a source. "They have been dressing her for film premieres and parties over recent months to see if she is the right fit.

"Once it became clear she is growing into a beautiful young woman and wears the Chanel brand so elegantly, they had to sign her up."

Plus, everyone at Chanel was tired of dealing with that bitch Knightley.

I hope Keira saved some money because she is clearly over...and good riddance to the useless cow.

Prince William Taunts Boy

Sadistic pig Prince William taunts a small boy he has knocked to the ground. How utterly depraved this man is. Well, what do you expect from a product of centuries of inbreeding? It's a miracle he only has one head (if he had two they'd both be going bald).

What is Jessica Trying to Tell Us?

Jessica's shirt...it's not referring to Porterhouse I don't think. By the smirk on Romo's face I'd say he knows exactly what kind of meat Jessica means. Well that's very classy especially coming from a minister's daughter. Okay, so Papa Joe's only a pretend minister, but still.

Also...is Jessica's hat meant to protect her in the event she has to sneak away from the VC behind some low shrubs? Jessica should know she has nothing to fear from the VC. All she need do is pop up from behind the shrubs and do a provocative dance. They'll haul her off and make her their queen.

Selena Gomez isn't Trying Hard Enough

Selena Gomez is 15, and still hasn't posted any pictures of herself licking her friends in the face or cuddling with her 22-year-old lover. What's up with that? Doesn't this girl wanna be a star?

Someone at Disney needs to get up in this girl's face and tell her what the deal is. Goody-goody doesn't sell. You gotta tramp it up. Prance around in some short skirts and hooker boots. Blow kisses like a Paris streetwalker. Email naked pictures of yourself to the Jonas Brothers.

Come on little chiquita...before Elle Fanning runs over your ass.

Clooney Had a New Woman Lined Up Before Dumping Sarah Larson

Page Six says George Clooney was already secretly laying some new bitch months before dumping stripper Sarah Larson and her fake tits.

The story claims George appeared in public with Sarah for a few extra months to "get her a career." Apparently it worked...Larson has reportedly signed to become the new face (and fake tits) of Christian Audigier.

Clooney's reps deny he had another relationship going before dumping Larson. "How does one as public as George secretly date anyone?" George's flack said.

I don't know...by sneaking around and lying?

The new woman may or may not be the same one pictured above, at George's place in Lake Como.

Heather Mills Ruins West Village

Stumpy McCuntface has reportedly dished out $5 million to purchase a condo in New York's West Village.

Heather, one of history's great swindlers, is said to be tired of the endless nagging of the London press. Is she still operating under the mistaken belief that Americans don't hate her?

Stumpy's new digs reportedly boast two bedrooms, two baths, a 40-foot living room/dining area, an open kitchen, two balconies and a private elevator landing. Lots of room for a one-legged whore to hop around in.

Sean Connery Breaks His Ankle. Alex Trebek is Quite Pleased.

Sean Connery was taken to the hospital Friday after fracturing his ankle while playing golf.

Old man...brittle bones...karmic retribution for all the filthy things he said about Alex Trebek's mother...