Thank You Ramona

The heinous Maggie Gyllenhaal says motherhood has at least partially cured her of the acting bug.

"I do think that it's really difficult to get me away from [Ramona]," she said. "It's difficult to find a script that's good enough for me to think, 'Okay, I really need to do this instead of being with my daughter.'"

Ramona...you have no idea what a service you've done the human race by coming along and discouraging your mother from taking acting roles. Statues will be erected to you in the future, Ramona. You will be hailed for all-times as the one who at last rescued our eyes from the oppressive ugliness of she who brought you into the world.

All hail, Ramona the Great!!!

Ian McKellen and His Boyfriend?

Ian McKellen is helped out of the Saint Tropez surf by some skinny, young dude. Gandalf is still getting it done.

Patrick Dempsey or Ben Stiller?

Dempsey. Okay, he doesn't really look that much like Ben Stiller here.

Does having a thing for old sports cars mean you're only somewhat insecure about the size of your penis?

Prince Harry Almost Shows the Royal Dangly

Prince Harry all dirty and stripped to the waist, presumably while he was deployed in Afghanistan. We can only imagine what kind of crazy stuff went on with him and his buddies. You know how soldiers are.

Uma and Her Thur-Man

We can see who the boss is in that relationship. "I don't care if you are a rich financier...you're carrying the bags bud."

Heath Ledger's hair has been reincarnated on top of Arpad Busson's head.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner - Still Not Split Up

The blogs are already throwing dirt on Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's marriage - yet there are Jen and Ben still together.

How dare they defy the gossip bloggers?

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston Get Cozy

Jennifer Aniston enjoyed John Mayer's concert at Brixton Academy this weekend...then enjoyed mauling him in the backseat of a cab.

At least, I think that's Jennifer. We've got a hell of a story on our hands if it isn't.

Courtney Love Can't Afford Cab Fare

Courtney Love hurt her foot while out shopping...so she had her friend wheel her home in a shopping cart.

This was not mere eccentricity on Courtney's part...it was financial necessity. The bitch is just too broke to afford cab fare. Apparently, selling Kurt Cobain's ashes netted just enough for her to pay off the drug dealers. Now she's flat busted again. Maybe she could take up with Pete Doherty, kill him, cremate him and sell his ashes? There's a plan.

Eva Longoria's Shirt Message

10 Ways Eva Longoria Could Have More Privacy:

1. Become a nun (haaaaa).
2. Move to Antarctica and take up with a gay, French-speaking penguin.
3. Wipe all that gook off her face...then no one will recognize her.
4. Lock herself up inside her house with her vibrators and her mirrors.
5. Crawl the rest of the way up her own ass.
6. Cure Mario Lopez of his homosexuality, then run off with him.
7. Become the first chihuahua on the moon.
8. Move back to the Tijuana whorehouse she crawled out of.
9. Switch places with Teri Hatcher. No one gives a flying fart about her.
10. I don't know. Go the fuck away?

Trannies Want Victoria Beckham Dead

Victoria Beckham is Transsexual America's Most Wanted after openly lending her support to Project Runway winner and tranny-shitlister Christian Siriano.

The unabashedly homosexual Mr. Siriano first became a target of tranny ire for his use of the term "hot tranny mess" to describe a bad outfit. Then he made things worse by saying of the transsexual community:

If you think of heterosexuals, they have white trash women and trailer parks and we have drag queens and trannies.

An astute observation by Mr. Siriano. Unfortunately the truth hurts...and Siriano's words certainly stung the tranny community, which came out guns-ablazin.'

"Christian Siriano’s comments have outraged transsexuals across the country," said the Transsexual Alliance.

Poor Victoria Beckham got herself entangled in the whole sordid mess simply by supporting Siriano. Now the trannies are out for green alien blood.

"How dare she support this freak!” said a transsexual escort named Dawn.

"She might not have to worry about physical attack but boy is she going to be embarrassed when 50 of us turn up at her next public function and tell the world what we think…No one’s designs are going to do anything for an emaciated stick insect with sparrow legs like her. She might as well stick to the kind of ho-bag outfits we usually see her in. Come to think of it, she’d probably fit in quite nicely in a trailer park.”

Also astute. Really, both sides have made lots of good points. I hope my tranny sister/brothers keep this disagreement on a purely verbal, catty level. It would suck to see them get violent with Posh. I've personally witnessed a tranny beatdown, and let me tell you, you do not want to get stomped by a 240 pound she-male in pair of 10-inch platforms.

Sienna Miller is Carrying on With Balthazar Getty

Sienna Miller, who claims not to be a slut, is reportedly carrying on an affair with actor/oil heir Balthazar Getty...at the same time she was supposed to be fucking Matthew Rhys while on the rebound from Rhys Ifans.

Did I mention that Balthazar Getty is married? Now Sienna can add homewrecker to her resume.

Reports have Getty and Miller slinking around Hollywood, trying not to be seen together. "They went to great pains to find a place where they thought nobody would find them," a source told News of the World. "They daren't go out together, so they spend most of their time inside. When they do leave, they go separately."

Meanwhile, Getty's wife Rosetta Millington, a fashion designer, has packed up their four kids and run crying to Italy.

It's also been alleged that Miller's apparent relationship with Matthew Rhys was a smokescreen for her activities with Getty. Apparently, Rhys is friends with Getty, and actually introduced him to Sienna last year.

Still want to deny being a slut Sienna?

Anne Hathaway is a Stoolie

A friend of jailed con artist Raffaelo Follieri has accused his ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway of snitching on him.

"It makes sense," the friend told the New York Daily News. "She's referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up.

"I think that in return for her cooperation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country."

Clearly, that was a love for the ages Anne and Raffaelo had going. Look at the way she stuck beside him no matter what. Ha! Bitch cared more about her career than she ever did for that dirtbag. I can't say I blame her...men are a dime a dozen, but big-time Hollywood acting gigs aren't. Turn the pig in, disappear for awhile until the heat dies down, then get on with life. If the shoe had been on the other foot, believe me, Raffaelo would've ratted Anne out in a heartbeat.

Angelina Blows Up at the Box Office

Angelina Jolie's R-rated action thriller Wanted took in $51 million its first weekend at the box-office, making it the #1 June opening for an R-rated film in history, and the 6th-biggest first weekend ever for a movie with that MPAA rating.

As a service to you, his fans, the Crabster hauled himself out to this. Actually, I have to confess...I'm a fan of the director Timur Bekmambetov, who made the insane Russian action movies Night Watch and Day Watch. So I would've seen it anyway. But let's pretend I did it for you.

The movie stars the scrumptious James McAvoy as this incredibly nebbishy office worker who finds out that his father was a member of an ancient society of assassins operating out of a Chicago textile mill. I say "was" because the old man has been bumped off by this other rogue assassin who the weaver/assassins now want dead. So, McAvoy has to fulfill his destiny by joining the assassins and doing in the man who killed his father.

McAvoy's tutor is played by Angelina Jolie in all her hardcore tattooed glory. The problem with Angie here is the same as always...she's too damned impressed with herself and her zen bad-ass minimalism. And she's always got that little I'm so hot smirk playing at the corners of her lips. Thankfully, the movie does not depend on her. It hinges on the director's ability to conceive and stage outlandish action sequences, and weave them through a twisty, wholly unbelievable plot. Bekmambetov is good at that, though the movie lacks the darkly mythic gravitas of his Russian films.

Bekmambetov's trump card is his exuberance. He enjoys his work. He likes jokes but doesn't undermine his own effects by winking at you. His energies are infectious. I hate action movies that give you the feeling of mere application of craft - there needs to be some underlying conviction and Bekmambetov has that. A movie with this much carnage could easily become wearying, but Bekmambetov gets such a kick out of topping himself that you get swept up in it. As nonsense goes, this is top-drawer. And, without spoiling the ending...well, let's just say something happens to Angie that will probably get a cheer out of certain people.

Update: Amy Winehouse's Glastonbury Freak-Out

Amy Winehouse gave the fans their money's worth at the Glastonbury Festival yesterday. And she sang too.

The highlight of Wino's performance: She decides to mingle with the crowd, but someone does something she doesn't like and she punches them. Yes there's video:

Amy also pissed off the fans by continually mentioning her jailbird husband Blake. When they started booing, Amy said she was going to tell their mothers on them, then told them "manners cost you nothing." Bitch is an ironist too.

On the fashion front: Amy took beehive adornment to new heights by sticking little Pina Colada umbrellas in hers. She also attempted to set a new world record for gum-spitting. And she demonstrated her emceeing aptitude by introducing the next performer, Jay-Z, with this nugget:

Be grateful you aren't getting Kanye West as he is a cunt.

Sign her up to host the Grammys!

Update: Wino went back into the hospital a few hours after her set. There's nothing new wrong with her...she is merely picking up her emphysema treatment.

More On Why Clooney Dumped Larson

There are more theories as to why George Clooney dumped Sarah Larson than there are 9/11 conspiracy scenarios. The latest, from the Enquirer's Mike Walker: Larson started fucking with Clooney's domestic affairs; George found out and wasn't happy.

"Word’s just now drifting out from the star’s inner circle that Sarah, who once depended on tips herself as a scantily clad booze-server in Vegas, suddenly started acting like the future Missus Clooney around The Man’s household, cruelly ordering cutbacks to the hefty gratuities Generous George regularly lavishes on his personal staff," Walker reports.

"For months, Clooney had no clue about Stingy Sarah’s sly cutbacks, but when worried staffers finally asked one of his higher-ups if the boss had trimmed everyone’s tips because he was unhappy with their work, the whistle finally blew loudly in the star’s ear and he went ballistic - raging that NO ONE had the right to countermand his orders! Just days after Clooney’s shocking discovery, it was suddenly 'See ya, Sarah!'"

Either Sarah Larson is evil, or someone is trying awfully hard to paint her as evil. Maybe the bust-up with George was more acrimonious than we thought and George is trying to crush her by having his people leak these stories about her. Sarah should come back by saying George has a small pee-pee or that he's gay or wears He-Man jammies or something.

Guy Ritchie Says Goodbye to Madonna, Kabbalah

The less-than-shocking Madonna-Guy Ritchie split may have been partly brought about by Ritchie's rejection of Madonna's pet religion Kabbalah.

"[Guy] has gone hot and cold on the religion in the past, but now he’s given up on it altogether," a source told The Sun. "It has always been her thing and is more a part of her life than ever.

"Guy threw himself into it at first and even filled his movie Revolver with obscure references to the faith.

"He was genuinely into it and it helped the bond between them. But then he backtracked a little with his gestures of public backing, like wearing the bracelet, because he didn’t like being such a high-profile follower.

"He also became suspicious of all the Kabbalah crowd living off her money.

"But he always told Madonna he had kept his faith — until now.

"A few weeks ago he told her he doesn’t want anything else to do with it. It didn’t go down well."

Madonna doesn't want a partner to share her life with...she wants someone who'll tell her she's beautiful and smart and right about everything, even when she isn't. Guy couldn't go on lying anymore so she gave him the boot. She should find someone young and dumb she can program...you know, her own Katie Holmes.

Angelina Pissed at Her Gynecologist

Angelina Jolie's gynecologist has sent out a desperate call for the pregnant actress to get in touch with him.

"It is about time I examined her medically," said professor Alain Tressier of Monaco's Princess Grace Hospital. "I would like to go through the options available and plan the delivery.

"I was expecting to hear from her this week but this has not happened."

Angelina is reported to be holed up at the Chateau Miraval resort in Provence, awaiting the birth of her twins. But why has she not visited her gynecologist? Apparently, Jolie got angry at Tressier when he refused her request to close off half the maternity ward at Princess Grace Hospital so she could have her kid in private.

Well, I don't blame Angelina for being pissed. I mean, honestly...doesn't this Tressier character know who she is? She's Angelina Jolie - the most important person in the world. No - the most important person in the history of the world. If she asks you to close off half a maternity ward so she won't be bothered as she's giving birth, you just do it. If she wants the entire hospital - even the entire city - evacuated, you bow to her demand.

This Tressier is clearly not a reasonable man. If I were Angie, I wouldn't want him examining me.

(James Haven has volunteered to do the examination himself. And why not? He knows Angie's reproductive tract better than anyone.)

Amy Winehouse Shows for Mandela's Birthday

Amy Winehouse was in good enough shape to roll into Nelson Mandela's birthday celebration and do her thing. Let's hope she kept it at least semi-classy. None of that bit where she seems to pull something from her beehive and snort it.

I'm sort of disappointed, actually, that Mandela barred Naomi Campbell from appearing on-stage at the event. That would've been an amazing confluence of crazy...her and Wino. Who knows? Maybe they would've hit it off. Or, maybe they would've wound up in a shrieking cartoon whirlwind of claws, fake hair and drug paraphernalia.

Christina Aguilera Supports Democracy - By Going to Ivy

I never got why people thought Christina Aguilera was hot...until I saw this picture. Now I totally see it.

Is she digging in her ass?

Chris Kattan is Getting Married. To a Woman. One With Boobs and Everything.

Former SNL-er Chris Kattan is getting married on Saturday to model Sunshine Tutt. No, that's not a joke...her name is really Sunshine Tutt.

Sunshine's parents missed a great opportunity. They should've named her King...then she could've spent the rest of her life claiming Steve Martin wrote a song about her.

You may have forgotten about Kattan, so I'll refresh your memory: He played lovable characters on SNL like the monkey dude whose whole bit was molesting famous actresses, then he tried acting in movies but they all sucked. Then Andy Dick became famous for basically doing the same thing Kattan did, and he had no choice but to fade into obscurity. And now he's not gay anymore apparently...or maybe he and Sunshine have a really weird relationship.

Crazy Bastard Dives 35 Feet Into Kiddie Pool

Hopefully that water wasn't left from when the kiddies were using it. Otherwise, that guy will need his eyes checked.

More Lohans

Bible-thumping con-man Michael Lohan has told OK! Magazine that his daughters Lindsay and Ali have a half-sister they never knew about.

Creepy Michael confessed to having an affair while married to Dina (shocker). "Years later [the woman] contacted me, convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child," Michael explained.

OK! then got its hands on some letters Michael sent to the baby mama where he describes his daughter as looking like a combination of Lindsay and his son Cody. No Ali though...thank God for the kid.

The girl's mother has reportedly called on Michael to "take responsibility" for his spawn. Come on lady...everyone knows Michael has no money. He's just a simple man of God. He absolutely does not have millions stashed away in off-shore accounts.

The last thing Michael needs is all the women he's knocked-up over the years coming out of the woodwork. Trust me, this country is absolutely teeming with girls who look suspiciously like Lindsay.

The Mini-Me Sex Tape

Midget actor Verne Troyer is suing TMZ for disseminating a tape of him doing sexual stuff with a regular-sized woman. I don't really get why. This is the best thing for his career since Mike Myers spotted him at the Wizard of Oz convention. And it's even better for his reputation as a man. He should leave it alone.

By the way, I've heard that there's another Troyer sex tape. This one involves a gerbil costume and Richard Gere.

Jennifer Lopez Sued Over Dog Attack

A stewardess is suing Jennifer Lopez for $5 million, alleging the singer's dog attacked her while on a plane.

The dog, Floyd, is accused of lunging at flight attendant Lisa Wilson as she walked past Lopez's seat during a 2006 flight. Wilson suffered a bite that caused her to fall over and wrench her back, leaving her with debilitating pain.

There's a 90% chance this Wilson woman is faking it just to get money out of Lopez...but I don't care; I want Lopez to lose and have to cough up the $5 million. And then I want a concerted effort by the Congress of the United States to do something about the blight on our nation represented by obnoxious people and their obnoxious animals.

Why in the fuck do people like Lopez need to have their dogs sit with them on planes anyway? You can't handle a couple of hours without your dumb little mutt in your presence? Are you afraid it will be traumatized if it has to ride with the luggage? Actually, it's neither...it's pure entitlement. You're Jennifer Lopez, so you get to have your dog with you on the plane. And you don't care if that causes inconvenience or discomfort or even harm to other people.

What I wouldn't give for a bolt of lightning to strike this bitch down. It's almost enough to make me turn Christian, just so I could pray for that.

Anne Hathaway Has Abandoned Her Dog

Anne Hathaway's haste to get as far away from the Raffaelo Follieri situation as possible has reportedly forced her to abandon the former couple's 2-year-old labrador.

The dog, named Esmeralda, is said to be living at Trump Tower with Follieri's cancer-stricken mother Anna. "I feel bad for the dog," a source told Page 6. "She's a beautiful, sweet dog who probably greeted the FBI agents with her tail wagging."

Good one.

But seriously...Anne dear. I know you don't want to deal with any of that crap right now. I know you don't want to face the American press. I know you probably want to forget Raffaelo Follieri ever existed. But damn it girl...go pick up the fucking dog. Do you want PETA on your ass? Do you want to end up like Paris Hilton and the Olsen Twins? I didn't think so.

Orlando Bloom May Have Designs on Liz Hurley

Orlando Bloom's body language is not very subtle. If that ain't a "I'm gonna bang this chick" pose, I don't know what is.

And Liz Hurley...you're not royalty hon, so why don't you lose the crown? You didn't marry a prince...you married some rich Hindu. You'd be a cocktail waitress if there were any justice in the universe.

Clive Owen Has a Huge Head

I never noticed before what a gigantic cranium Clive Owen has. I guess most famous people do have big heads, but damn...that thing's freakish. Like, Olsen Twin-sized.

Uma Thurman Engaged

Actress Uma Thurman has gotten engaged to her boyfriend Stellan Skarsgard.

Okay, it's not Stellan Skarsgard...it's "financier" Arpad "Arki" Busson. Am I the only one getting a Raffaelo Follieri vibe?

Busson reportedly gave Uma an engagement ring so big she can "barely fit it through the sleeve of her coat." Tasteful.

Let's hope the wedding doesn't turn into a bloodbath like Uma's last wedding, which left her in a coma from a bullet to the head. Oh wait, that was a movie. I've gotta work on that whole "distinguishing fantasy from reality" thing don't I?

Madonna and Guy Ritchie End the Charade

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have decided to end their seven-year marriage. "They were both very calm," a friend revealed. "Madonna told Guy: 'I'm sorry, I want a divorce.' And he agreed. It was quite painless but very sad."

Richie allegedly still harbors hopes that the relationship can be salvaged (yet he gave in so easily?). He is also not expected to go after a big money settlement.

"Guy is a decent bloke, full stop," said a pal. "It's not his style to start profiteering from such sorry circumstances. He's got too much respect for his wife and children."

Plus he's afraid that Madonna will kick his ass.

Ritchie held on for 7 years with that insufferable monster. I say we give him an award...or a psychological evaluation. He certainly needs a thorough physical exam, and someone should definitely check him for lice.

For Madonna's part...she'll have a lot more free time now that she doesn't have to carry Guy. I'm sure she'll devote that time to a worthy cause...like her continued effort to convert the continent of Africa to Kabbalah.

Tyra Teaming With Miley for Teeny Talk Show

Media mogul Tyra Banks is joining forces with MySpace/YouTube tramp Miley Cyrus to create a new teencentric talk show.

"Miley already has a huge following among teen girls, so her show would likely be successful," a source said. "Tyra sees Miley's potential."

Miley's first guest? Annie Leibovitz.

"So Annie, tell me. What did it feel like to corrupt my morals?"

Then Billy Ray comes out in a clown suit, dumps a bucket of pudding on Annie's head and drags her out back.

In the meantime...could someone explain to me how the fuck Tyra Banks ever became as big as she is? This vapid bitch's popularity is only slightly less perplexing than the mystery of Judge Crater.

Nothing is Ever Easy for the Spears Family

Drama follows the Spears family around like Scarlett Johansson tailing a Barack Obama motorcade (while herself being tailed by Woody Allen). Of course Jamie Lynn's birthing experience was not going to be exempt from this. Star has the details (via I Don't Like You in That Way):

"The baby's heart rate dropped every time she tried to push," a family insider tells Star. "They did an ultrasound and quickly discovered that the umbilical cord was too short." But despite the doctors' dire warnings, the 17-year-old "was adamant about having a natural delivery." Everyone in the room at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss., pleaded with Jamie Lynn to listen to the doctors - including big sister Britney. Brit had already been with Jamie Lynn for hours, massaging her back as she endured painful contractions. "But she got mad," says the insider. She told Jamie Lynn to "just have a damn Caesarian," as she did. "Britney then ran out in tears because she couldn't bear to see what was happening."

Then a circus bear came dancing into the room, a bunch of clowns tumbled out of the closet and the whole place exploded.

Jamie Lynn has reportedly decided that having a baby isn't such a wild time after all, and has moved in with Lynne so grandma can take care of it. Doesn't grandma have enough work taking care of Britney? And since when is Lynne qualified to raise a kid? I mean, look at the track record.

David Beckham Comments on His Giant Billboard

Hi everyone,

Well I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures but last Thursday I went to San Francisco to see the unveiling of the new Emporio Armani campaign I shot a while back. To be honest I was amazed by the huge billboard poster outside Macy’s department store, but even more amazed by the amount of people who turned up to see it! I’m always surprised by the amount of attention certain things create, but the attention this campaign has created is pretty incredible. It was great to meet some of the people who’d come out especially though, I’ve always wanted to visit San Francisco, so it was a great to finally get there...

And San Francisco has always wanted to visit you, David.

Denise Richards Really Loves Her Pigs

A lesser blogger would go straight for the Charlie Sheen joke. But I'm better than that.

That pig needs a drug test now.

Courtney Thorne-Smith Perfects the Keira-Glare

Honestly, why are we taking pictures of Courtney Thorne-Smith and her brat anyway? Kathy Griffin has to be wandering around somewhere doesn't she? Go take pictures of her.

Matt Damon is a Fat-Ass

Matt Damon has a foolproof plan for winning an Oscar: He'll trick the Academy into thinking he's Philip Seymour Hoffman.

"I'm not Philip Seymour Hoffman...I'm Matt Damon, suckas!"

Ben Affleck snaps his fingers and says, "Why didn't I think of that? Oh right...I'm an idiot."

Forcing a Baby Through Her Twat Made Christina Aguilera Want to Vote

Faux-Latina Christina Aguilera told Larry King that having a child has given her a new sense of her responsibility as a citizen.

"Being a new mother, it was really important for me to get excited about this election," Aguliera told the senile old coot.

"I know just what you mean," Larry replied. "I get excited about erections too. Especially the one I have now. Mmmm Toledo you're on the air with Angie Dickinson..."

This is what's wrong with America...that people like Christina Aguilera are allowed to vote. Democracy only sounds like a good idea until you realize there's no mandatory IQ test.

And by the way...Christina dear. You claim to be so concerned about your little baby, yet you are photographed almost every night staggering out of some club.

Christina's so drunk, she thinks she has twins.

Jail Ruins Follieri's Birthday Plans

Raffaelo Follieri was supposed to head to Italy yesterday to celebrate his birthday. Instead, the accused swindler and former boyfriend of Anne Hathaway spent the day faking sinusitis attacks on a piss-stained cot in a Manhattan jail cell. While being serenaded by toothless crackheads. I love justice.

Barack Obama Attempts to Distance Himself from Stalkery Scarlett Johansson

Barack Obama doesn't want anyone thinking he's got some kind of Jungle Fever scenario going with busty starlet Scarlett Johansson.

Scarlett, who along with every other liberal pansy in Hollywood has been vocal in her support for Obama, claimed to have an "email relationship" with the candidate...but Obama takes issue with the word "relationship."

Barack says he received a single email from Scarlett, which was forwarded to him by his assistant Reggie Love, and sent a single polite response.

"I [wrote] saying, 'Thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,' and suddenly we have this email relationship," Barack said.

"Email relationship" was Scarlett's own characterization. Clearly, bitch is obsessed. There's full-on Fatal Attraction-meets-Mandingo potential here...I hope.

Ben Affleck - Angelina With a Penis

Ben Affleck went to the Congo to witness first-hand what happens when people have to live without valet service and proper hair-care products. In short? Not pretty.

Of course Ben wanted everyone to know that he'd made these three trips...so he went on Good Morning America to talk about them. And showed video of himself interacting with the disadvantaged. That's called raising awareness. Is Ben also a recovering heroin addict who dabbles in incest?

Dirtbag Bill Murray Divorces

It was only a couple weeks ago that we learned from Bill Murray's wife Jennifer what a degenerate boozing sex-fiend wife-beating piece of shit he is. Now Jennifer is officially free of the miscreant, having been granted a divorce which gives her custody of their four kids plus two houses and child support.

And Bill's free too...he can fuck all the bimbos he wants, drink, smoke dope, get in fights with other drunks and endlessly recite lines from his old movies in a vain attempt to not seem like a depraved old has-been. In spite of all this, I still love Groundhog Day and Lost in Translation. I'm not one of these idiots who expects movie stars to be paragons of virtue. I know most of them are assholes and many of them are unregenerate scum. I'm not naive.

More Follieri Scumminess

TMZ has unearthed yet another example of extreme scumminess from Raffaelo Follieri: The website for the criminal douchebag's Follieri Foundation claims to run a program giving out free drug cards to the poor. But, when TMZ sniffed around, they could discover no instances of drugstores actually giving out medication to someone holding one of said cards; plus, they learned that the company that co-sponsored the program had mysteriously ceased to exist.

On the question of whether Follieri's ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway might somehow become implicated in or at the very least sullied by Follieri's crimes...Well, the Crabster found a picture of her in a "Follieri Foundation" shirt talking to some little kid with Raffaelo sitting there looking all pleased with himself. I suppose it's possible that Raffelo duped Anne as much as the investors he allegedly bilked, and the poor people he never helped with his criminal-front charity. But I don't know. Anne's an intelligent, educated young woman. I still find it hard to believe that she was in the dark about what was happening. It wouldn't shock me to learn she was deeply involved in these scams.

Good thing she's already a lesbian...it will help her adjust quickly to prison life.

Keith Olbermann's Ketchup Fit

The untimely demise of Tim Russert hit almost everyone at NBC hard. Then there was Keith Olbermann, who was more broken up by the condiment selection at the funeral than the death itself.

Olbermann, who broadcast from outside the Kennedy Center the day of the ceremony, reportedly went ballistic in front of mourners who were filing into the building. And why? No ketchup packets.

"This place is going to hell," Olbermann was heard to rant to his staffers. An NBC insider defended the fat-assed liberal pussy however, saying, "Keith did not have lunch at the Kennedy Center and was not eating on the set because he was anchoring a broadcast."

Of course he didn't have lunch there...they didn't have ketchup. Keith Olbermann must have his ketchup!

The ketchup incident was only the capper on a rough couple of days for Keith. Reportedly, the bespectacled heart-attack risk and openly jealous rival of Bill O'Reilly got angry a few days earlier when he found out NBC had not sprung for a first-class train ticket, forcing him to drive to the funeral.

Russert dead. Carlin dead. Wide-load no-talent Keith Olbermann alive. Universe totally fucked up.

Nelson Mandela Wants No Part of Naomi Campbell

Naomi Campbell and Nelson Mandela have been tight in the past. But Nelson was so upset by Campbell's recent arrest for air rage that he decided to have her banned from appearing on-stage at his up-coming 90th birthday celebration.

"The man himself intervened and she was pulled off the list," explained a source. "He was disappointed with her recent arrest - particularly as she was wearing a 46664 baseball cap at the time."

46664 was Mandela's number when he was imprisoned in South Africa, and is now the name of his AIDS awareness organization. Campbell has done numerous appearances on behalf of the charity in the past...all without incident as far as we know.

Given all the shit Mandela has endured in his life, you have to believe he doesn't get pissed off easily. But if there's anyone who could do it, it would be Naomi Campbell. Gandhi himself would've probably wanted to kick this bitch's ass.

Ben Affleck May Have to Find Another Jennifer...Again

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are rumored to be close to splitting after three years of marriage. You homewrecker Jimmy Kimmel!

Affleck's reps denied the reports vehemently to E!'s Ted Casablanca, saying, "We usually don't comment on stuff like this. But you should know sources are liars. If you guys want to do the right thing, you won't post that item. It's all BS."

Casablanca claims the new report came from the same source who correctly tipped him off when Garner was dumping her old boyfriend Michael Vartan in favor of Affleck. I've now written three more paragraphs on this story than it deserved.

Matt Damon is Your Neighbor. You Know, the One on the Sex Offenders List.

I salute Matt Damon for going all-out on behalf of his role in The Informant. And I'm not just talking about the paunch...hell, any actor can do that. I'm talking about the hair and moustache and glasses. It takes real nerve to be photographed looking like someone's perverted uncle. He better win an Oscar for this one.

Heather Locklear is Anxious and Depressed

Heather Locklear has checked herself into treatment to deal with anxiety and depression. In other words, she is on drugs.

"Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression," said Heather's flack. "She requested an in-depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment."

Only Scientology can help Heather now.

Prince Harry Mingles With the Rabble...and Their Animals

"My God, Lily Allen...what are you doing here?"

Brooke Hogan Refers to Herself as "An Old Car"

Brooke Hogan has chosen to address the public's disgust and outrage at widely circulated pictures of her vile father Hulk applying lotion to her ass.

"I know I'm a grown woman, but it's like he's touching an old car," the she-male said. "He used to change my diaper!"

He used to change your diaper...which is exactly why he shouldn't be touching your ass!

Besides which, there's a whole lot more than just ass-lotioning going on in those pictures. You may be an "old car" Brooke, but that doesn't mean daddy has any business sticking his finger in your tailpipe.

(By the way...John Graziano will never get to rub lotion on any skank's ass again. Just thought I'd remind everyone.)

James McAvoy Enjoyed Being Beaten Up by Angelina

James McAvoy says kissing scenes with Wanted co-star Angelina Jolie made him nervous...but he actually enjoyed the ones where she had to kick his ass.

"I'm always nervous about doing the kissing scenes - they're never comfortable, they're always kind of weird, they're not enjoyable, do you know what I mean?" McAvoy said. "But the fight scenes, getting beaten up by her all the time is fine, that was fun. That's one of the reasons I did the job, is to do all those scenes."

Angie's good at beating people up. She practices on Brad. Of course she doesn't have to actually touch him. One look from her and he experiences incredible pain, especially in his former ball area.

Follieri Called a "Con Man"; Fails Drug Test After Arrest

The true scumminess of Italian businessman and ex-boyfriend of Anne Hathaway Raffaelo Follieri is coming to light.

Follieri, who yesterday was arrested on charges of wire fraud conspiracy and money laundering, is accused by federal prosecutors of bilking investors out of as much as $6 million, which the dirtbag then used to finance his lavish lifestyle.

"He is a con man, and he was able to defraud a lot of people out of a lot of money over a long period of time," said Prosecutor Reed Michael Brodsky. One specific allegation has Follieri claiming Vatican connections as a way of gaining advantage in purchasing church-owned property.

Prosecutors asked the judge to deny Follieri bail on the grounds that he was a flight risk, but bail was ultimately set at $21 million, and Follieri was ordered to home detention. It was also revealed that Follieri tested positive for opiates after his arrest.

The sniveling Follieri reportedly suffered an "attack" shortly after his court appearance and had to be taken to the hospital. It's unlikely that the attack was conscience-related.

Anne Hathaway may have bailed on this scumbag at the last second, but you mean to tell me she partook of his lavish, thieving lifestyle with him and had no clue the whole time what a crook he was? Yeah...pull the other one.

Pedo Freak Gary Glitter Wants to Make a Comeback

Gary Glitter is currently languishing in a Vietnamese jail, where he was put in 2006 after being found guilty of child molestation. He gets out in August though, and already has plans to stage a musical comeback.

"I have been thinking about the plan during my days in jail," the 64-year-old pervert said. "'I have an incomplete album that I want to finish."

Glitter's sentence was reportedly cut three months for good behavior. Of course he behaved well in prison...there are no 12-year-olds there.

Does anyone think this guy's going to be able to keep it together once he gets out? No way. Pedophilia is incurable. And there's nowhere left where he can practice his perversions either. He's already been jailed in Vietnam and chucked out of Cambodia. And Hong Kong heard he wanted to move there after jail and told him to stay the hell out. Even Thailand isn't sick enough for this guy. There's only one place in the world I can think of where he might be welcome...