Is that someone singing or a rat strangling? She's better than Scarlett Johansson at least.
Angelina's reps have told People there's nothing to the birth stories circulating around the internet today...but Brad's manager, when reached by FOXNews.com, refused to comment.
That means the stories are true and Angie's reps are liars. Also, Angie is a twat.
The Angelina birth stories have heated up enough for People to step in and call Angie's reps, who say the reports are nothing but hooey.
"Angelina has not given birth," said Angelina's people. "She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France."
Hmm...but maybe that's just what they want us to think. The plot thickens.
Entertainment Tonight confirms French media reports that Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins in France earlier this week.
ET has also revealed the names of the twins: Isla Marcheline after Angie's mom and Amelie Jane after Brad's mom.
Normal names. Angie must have been lacking inspiration. When she's got more energy maybe she'll rename them something fucked up.
Reports are swirling in the French media that Angelina gave birth to her twins at a Catholic clinic in Aix-en-Provence on Sunday, May 25. Reps for Brad and Angie have as yet not made a statement...but you have to believe
that, had Angie not given birth, they would simply issue an outright denial.
This makes us think back to a recent incident in which Dustin Hoffman gave away Angie's due date as August 29. Obviously, from May 25 to August 29 is a huge discrepancy...but if you looked at the size of Angie's belly lately, even considering that she's carrying two, you had to be skeptical that she was really not due until late August.
So why did Hoffman say that? I say he was enlisted on purpose to disseminate that bit of misinformation. I think Angie and Brad deliberately mislead everyone about how far along she was in hopes they could sneak off someplace and have the kids. They wanted us to think she wasn't due until August even though she was about to pop any second. Nice plan. Very sneaky. I hope they send Hoffman a gift basket in gratitude. They should be able to afford a nice one, given all the dough they'll make peddling the baby pictures.
Michael Jackson let his kids run around a book store without their masks on. Good thing Michael's whiter than they are or there could've been some confusion in the family. Angelina would never adopt these kids.
From the way out of leftfield department: TMZ reports that Spamalot star and overall dickweed Clay Aiken has donated sperm to artificially inseminate his best friend, 50-year-old record producer Jaymes Foster.
Apparently, Clay has made a habit of staying at Foster's house whenever he's in L.A. But nothing ever happens when they're together. Well, there was that one time...but Clay was really drunk that night and totally forgot he was gay.
By the way...sources say Clay plans on taking a role in the raising of the yet-to-be-born product of his ejaculate. That ought to be an interesting conversation when the kid gets old enough. "Well son/daughter, one day your mommy decided she wanted to have a baby despite being way too old. So she asked me if I would donate some of my sperms and I said yes. So I popped in my tape of Spartacus and got out a little plastic cup. And mommy took the special God-juice with the sperms in it and put it in a turkey baster. And then I don't know what happened because I've never seen woman parts and don't even know where they're located."
Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian recently got a first-hand taste of the craziness that is Michael Lohan.
Reggie and Kim were at a party in New York when the mouth-foamingly insane Michael reportedly approached them with a strange request.
"Michael went right up to Kim and Reggie and introduced himself," a witness said. "He asked them to look after Lindsay out in Los Angeles and keep a watchful eye on her.
"Kim and Reggie were very polite and patient with Michael, but were quite shocked by his request as it was the first time they had met him."Reggie and Kim handled the situation well...they didn't make any sudden moves, didn't do anything that might agitate the lunatic.
Honestly, what planet is Michael living on right now? And even if you thought Kim might be willing to help you out, why the hell would you want her help? She's some paragon of responsibility?
Besides, why does Lindsay need anyone watching over her...I thought she was in a good place in her life and clean and sober and all that.
Oh wait, that's Dina's lie, not Michael's. My bad.
Sharon Stone has apologized for saying the earthquakes in China were karmic retribution for Chinese human rights abuses against Tibet.
"My erroneous words and deeds angered and saddened the Chinese people, and I sincerely apologize for this," Stone said in a statement.
The Chinese have responded by collectively giving Stone the finger.
In response to continuing Chinese outrage, Christian Dior has decided to remove Sharon's face from their ads in China. That's okay because they were already smeared with feces.
The Chinese have also reportedly banned Stone from their movie screens from here until the end of time. So if you were hoping to catch The Quick and the Dead during your next trip to Changsha, you're shit out of luck.
Bill Murray has been fooling us all these years. The actor is not in fact an amiable guy, but rather a wife-beating booze-hound/pot-head sex-addict.
This at least is what his wife Jennifer Butler Murray says he is. And I think she'd know.
Jennifer made the accusations in a divorce filing in Charleston County, South Carolina, and is also seeking a restraining order against Murray, with whom she has four children, all minors.
Ms. Murray alleges that Bill has spent the last 10 years beating on her, cheating on her, boozing and smoking pot. One incident related in the complaint has Bill hitting her in the face and telling her she was lucky he "didn't kill her."
Actually Bill, it sounds like you're lucky she didn't kill you.
In fact, why didn't she kill you? Maybe she should have.
Oh, I see...the pre-nup guarantees that Jennifer gets $7 million in the event of divorce. So she'll get the money then hire someone to kill Bill. Good deal.
Did Sarah Larson harbor any illusions that she was the one who would finally tame eternal bachelor George Clooney?
If so she is one disappointed stripper...cause George has finally, and we assume permanently, given her the heave-ho.
Emphasis on "ho."
George's reps refused to give details about the split, but one "insider" was willing to yap.
"George is relieved to be single again," said the source. "He thinks Sarah is sweet and that is why it was so hard to break up with her.
"The truth is they had little in common and he just doesn't want to be tied down."Translation: He is a whore.
Actually, I'm shocked the thing lasted as long as it did...almost a year. George doesn't usually keep anyone or anything around that long, except pot-bellied pigs.
Now he's free to chase a new stripper. And Sarah Larson? Obscurity beckons.
The latest Indiana Jones adventure represents the Moonraker phase in the franchise's history...the point where everyone just said the hell with reality and succumbed to their giddiest and most absurd storytelling impulses.
Of course Indiana Jones never had much to do with recognizable reality anyway...it was always about school boy swashbuckling fantasies and crazy set pieces and finding out how much Kate Capshaw a human being could stand before they ripped all the hair from their skulls and started running around in circles making donkey noises.
Still, the earlier Indy Jones movies at least paid lip service to laws of the universe. They were not superhero movies...Indy Jones was not some kind of invulnerable mega-man but rather a foolhardy-but-resourceful fellow who tended to blunder and stumble and get the shit kicked out of him, and became all the more endearing for it.
The new Indy Jones has thrown all that semi-plausibility out the window in favor of what creator George Lucas quaintly terms "wackiness." And what exactly does George consider wacky? Guys surviving atom bombs by hiding inside refrigerators. Stalinist dominatrices with outrageous accents. Motorcycle chases through university libraries. Shia LaBeouf's hair.
Some may be inspired to use terms other than "wacky" when describing the common-sense-defying antics unleashed in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. "Idiotic" may leap to mind. Also "mind-numbingly dumb" and "astonishingly stupid." All accurate characterizations. And yet, like the films of that silly middle period of the James Bond franchise, the Live and Let Die-Spy Who Loved Me-Moonraker phase, the new Indy Jones manages somehow to survive its own unabashed absurdity.
In fact, I think it does more than survive...it almost triumphs.
There are two factors in this movie's favor: One, the tremendous good feeling the audience has for the character of Indiana Jones; and two, Steven Spielberg.
This is where Indy Jones differs from the James Bond franchise: Where James Bond always remained flippantly above the action, Jones stays undeniably and endearingly a part of it. Harrison Ford was never the kind of actor who could pull off ironic detachment...even when he's being sarcastic he remains heroically straight. A hip actor might've been inspired to wink at the nonsense in the earlier Indy Jones movies and even more at the super-nonsense in this newest one, but not Ford...he plays it gruffly, lovably for real. That's why audiences feel such a fondness for this character (and for Han Solo, who was always more-liked than that douchebag Luke Skywalker). And that fondness stays alive no matter what "wackiness" George Lucas is determined to hit us with.
Lucas, for whatever reason, has been intent on trashing his own legacy. He destroyed the magic of Star Wars with his moronic biological explanations for the Force and his offensively dumb characters like Jar Jar Binks...and he nearly does the same with Indy Jones by stretching toward cartoonish insanity. But our abiding love for Indy Jones as played by Harrison Ford keeps us involved despite the outlandishness. We don't accept what we're seeing - how can anyone accept a man in a fridge getting tossed 10 miles through the air by an atom bomb and not even breaking a bone - but we roll with it. We tolerate this new incarnation of Indiana Jones as a full-on comic book figure because, god damn it, we still get a kick out of Ford and his fedora and his whip.
Nobody ever loved James Bond...they thought he was cool, and Roger Moore had fun with the character even when he was rolling his eyes at the shit he had to play. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could've worked on this level and been perfectly fine...but thanks to Ford it has a little extra juice.
And the movie also benefits from the directorial hand of Steven Spielberg, whose action staging remains outstanding. Spielberg may have just been rolling with the punches, taking on every bit of absurdity Lucas wanted to throw into the movie...but thank God it's Spielberg steering the ship instead of George. The last three Star Wars movies proved that Lucas is not much as a director...Spielberg, though, is an expert at this kind of stuff, and no matter how dumb the action gets, the thrill of the staging and the cutting and John Williams' score stays palpable.
The new elements provide a little extra animation to the action routines, particularly the new stars Cate Blanchett and Shia LaBeouf. Blanchett is such a marvelous actor, probably the best going in the world right now male or female. Yeah, we'd prefer to see her tackle great roles in great art...but it's incredible fun to watch her play this character too, a Russian secret agent possessed of a certain vague kinkiness and a determination that borders on lunacy. Blanchett is so brilliant that, just by her posture and voice and expressions, she is able to suggest all sorts of dimensions to her character that the script doesn't have nearly enough time to deal with. And the way she pronounces "Dr. Jones" is hilarious...almost as hilarious as how Naomi Harris pronounced "Jack Sparrow" in the last two Pirates of the Caribbean flicks.
There isn't even a hint of embarrassment when Blanchett has to fence Shia LaBeouf while the two are poised precariously on a pair of military vehicles racing along a jungle road. The same can't be said for poor Shia when his testicles get battered by a bunch of spiny plants later in the same sequence (more wackiness).
Hard to blame Shia for being a bit disconcerted here, maybe thinking to himself, "Okay...there goes my career down the drain." Unfortunately it's a bit of a thankless role for Shia, who first must view Indy as a doddering old man, then be awestruck by Indy's proficiency and ability to pummel people with his fists. LaBeouf survives by his sheer star presence which is considerable. Transformers convinced me that this kid is gonna be huge...and Disturbia convinced me that he can actually act some. This role adds little to his reputation but he adds a lot of spark and charisma to the movie, and you can tell in his scenes with Ford that the old man received an energy boost by playing with such a dynamic personality.
I hope I haven't been too effusive in my praise for the movie's good elements, and created the impression that I think this is anything more than a load of claptrap. What I wanted to convey more than anything was the warm feeling the movie left me with...the sense of curious satisfaction in spite of everything. No, I don't think George Lucas has done himself any favors...in fact, the film left me with a lower opinion of him than I had before (and it was already pretty low after the Star Wars fiascoes). But it's a measure of the enduring appeal of the Indiana Jones character that, despite Lucas's best self-destructive efforts, one can still smile after all the wackiness, and get slightly giddy when the famous John Williams theme comes up again at the end.
Lucas managed to make me hate Star Wars...but, though he appeared to try, he didn't make me hate Indiana Jones.
Hovering pervoid Joe Simpson may be ruining his daughter Jessica's chances at happiness with football stud Tony Romo.
Jessica and Tony's recent relationship troubles have reportedly been largely due to Joe's insistence on running every aspect of Jessica's life. Tony was ready to split altogether, but agreed to give it another chance...on the condition that Papa Joe get off his back.
And how is Papa Joe going to take this? Not well, I'm guessing. In fact, I doubt Tony will be in the picture much longer than a week. Joe will get in Jessica's ear and that will be the end of it.
It's pretty obvious by now which of Joe's daughters is his favorite. He was happy to marry Ashlee off to Pete Wentz...but he'll never let anyone marry Jessica (until he finds a country where it's legal for him to marry her himself).
Kirsten Dunst told E! Online that her recent rehab trip had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol and everything to do with her being a miserable, depressed shell of a human being.
"It was a good six months before I decided to go away," Dunst explained. "I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn't know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge."
Cause nothing cures depression like being in Utah.
Kiki decided to go public with her issues in order to dispel speculation about her being a drunk and a drug-addict.
"There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life, and it’s been very painful for my friends and family," she said. "Everyone feels like they have to defend me. They hear the rumors, and it puts them in a defensive position. Now that I’m feeling stronger, I was prepared to say something."
You should've saved it...no one cares.
Actually Kiki, I take that back...I'm glad you came clean about your depression. It makes me feel good to know you feel bad. I don't know why. I just hate you for no good reason and want you to be unhappy.
Any fat-asses out there looking to cut back on their ice cream consumption...just tape this picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal chomping down Ben & Jerry's to your fridge. After you look at it, you won't be able to even think about ice cream without vomiting.
The shocking thing isn't that Amy Winehouse wears diapers...it's that we never noticed it before.
Come on, you think this is a recent development? No way...Amy has been wearing diapers for awhile. Pretty much since she was a baby. They just keep getting bigger, and filled with more interesting things.
Dina Lohan may be in absolute denial about Lindsay having gone over to the carpet-munchers, but Lindsay's dad Michael is not.
Speaking to Us Magazine, Michael said Lindsay's romantic feelings for Samantha Ronson are "evident to anyone with half a brain," adding, "[Lindsay] is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God."
That's not exactly a blessing from Michael...but it's still better than Dina's pathetic attempts at sweeping Lindsay's lesbian preferences under the rug entirely.
Seriously Dina, what the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just accept that Lindsay has a taste for tuna and be cool with that? How backward are you?
Wake up and join the 21st Century, bitch.
Honestly, does anyone blame Lindsay for preferring women? Look at the way men have always fucked with her...starting with Michael. Dina should have sympathy for this, considering her own issues with men.
Then again, if you want to be brutally honest about it, Lindsay hasn't exactly had great experiences with women either. Starting with her mom...and working all the way up to Samantha who blatantly sold her out to the tabloids when she was on one of her famous benders.
Lindsay has basically been betrayed over and over again...but thankfully she has inherited her mother's talent for hiding her head up her own butt. Otherwise she would've killed herself by now.
Nicole Kidman is speaking out against ex-husband Tom Cruise's evil campaign to push her out of their adopted children's lives and claim their little souls entirely for Xenu.
"It’s a pity they have been manipulated by the father to distance themselves from me," Kidman has said, adding, "They are closer to their new mom [Katie Holmes] now.”
Well Nicole...what did you expect from Tom? He's a fanatical Scientologist. Obviously, he doesn't want his kids exposed to any influences that might make them doubt the absolute rightness of his little religion. So, clearly, he has no choice but to keep them away from you.
You might as well face it Nicole...they're not your kids anymore. You live in the cold, dark outside world with the other non-believers, while they bask in the bright light of Scientology...and inhale fatal quantities of asbestos.
You'd think the Hogan family would want to distance themselves as much as possible from talk of John Graziano, the alleged family friend whom jailbird Nick rendered vegetative via car crash.
Then again, we already know the Hogans aren't the brightest bulbs in the strand...so maybe it's not a surprise that they keep slamming John directly and indirectly, hence reinforcing everyone's view that they are all vile, reprehensible and heartless people.
Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk, was the latest to take a swipe at the comatose John. Ms. Brooke, it turns out, was just in a fender-bender of her own (not being able to drive is apparently a family trait). Afterward, writing in her blog, Brooke attributed her survival of said accident to her seatbelt:
I don't know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves . . . As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn't have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight.
Graziano, as most people know, was not wearing his seatbelt when he suffered his brain injuries. The Hogan family has insisted since then that Graziano's state should be blamed not on Nick's idiocy, but on Graziano's own foolishness in not strapping in.
Clearly then, Brooke's little blog post was meant as further reinforcement of the family line. This, in my opinion, is nothing but a bullying tactic, John Graziano being utterly incapable of defending himself.
Brooke also seems to be directly contradicting stuff her father Hulk recently said about Graziano's injuries being divinely inflicted. In one of Hulk's pitiful phone conversations with the incarcerated Nick, Hulk made it known that he believes Graziano was being punished by God for bad stuff he did.
So, by Hulk's logic, it wouldn't have made any difference for Graziano to wear his seatbelt, right? Or am I being too generous in attributing to Hulk any capacity for "logic" at all?
At any rate...it appears no one in the Hogan family has the class or pure public relations savvy to realize that they should now all shut up about John Graziano. Anything negative they say about him is going to look like piling-on. He's in a coma...he can't stand up for himself. When you attack him you just look like a brute.
There you go...Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are a couple. Owen Wilson is, even as we speak, reaching for the rat poison.
Don't do it Owen! You have so much to live for! There are tons of chicks you haven't banged yet!
Andy Dick and his "friend" fail to gain entry to Hyde, and so spend their evening staggering randomly about the city, accosting people and calling strange women whores.
Andy's "friend" finally gets fed up with the photogs and goes after them. Lots of shouting and threatening ensues but little in the way of actual manly violence.
And people wonder why I hate Andy Dick.
Sharon is good friends with the Dalai Lama. I bet she sits on his face.
Yes Sharon...innocent school children being crushed to death by falling schools is karmic retribution for the Chinese oppression in Tibet. Why don't you please now shut your stupid fucking mouth you half-witted twat?
Lindsay Lohan has become engaged to her boyfriend Samantha Ronson. The two were spotted kissing and cuddling at Sean Combs' Cannes party, then Lindsay was photographed sporting an engagement ring at a Dolce and Gabbana event.
There's been a rumor going around for awhile now that Samantha is actually female, making her and Lindsay lesbian lovers. But that is the most preposterous thing I've ever heard. If Sam Ronson has a vagina, then I'm the queen of England.
Despite all rumors to the contrary, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are still a couple.
The two lovebirds were together in Dallas over the weekend, according to the Dallas Morning News and Perez Hilton. They dined at a steakhouse Saturday night, then had Sunday brunch at a place called Sneaky Pete's.
Reports prior to the Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz wedding had Jessica and Tony breaking up. Then it was reported that Papa Joe had begged Tony to show up for the wedding...ostensibly because he didn't want Jessica to be miserable on her sister's happy day. Since then it has come out that the photo deal Papa Joe signed with People stipulated that Romo had to be present. Had Romo not shown up it would've cost Joe $1.4 million.
I wonder if Joe cut Romo in on the $1.4 million.
This may be the most outrageous clip in the history of the known universe...Hulk Hogan on the phone with his jailbird son Nick, saying John Graziano got his brain scrambled in the car wreck because God was getting back at him. And then, as if the scumminess weren't scummy enough, the two revolting, unrepentant pieces of shit discuss Nick's comeback after he gets out of the slammer:
Celebs do pretty disgusting things from time to time, but seldom have I believed that any of them were truly and genuinely evil. Hulk and Nick Hogan, however, are genuinely and truly evil. I weep for humanity.
This is what happens when you spend too much time talking...eventually you say something unbelievably stupid.
Please Hillary, just go away now.
Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen will never stop sniping at each other...I hope.
The latest round of Sheen-Richards unpleasantness has centered around Sheen's claim that Denise sent an email to Charlie's fiance Brooke Mueller asking Charlie to donate sperm so Denise could turkey-baster herself with it and produce another creepy, staring kid.
Richards, naturally, has vehemently denied this ever happened.
"I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm," Denise said. "I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."
Richards also describes the response she got from Charlie after a recent message she sent him:
"Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you fucking whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.
"He missed Dad's day at the school and my father had to go in his place. And this is how he talks to me?"Sheen's reps have hit back at Denise's denial of the sperm email:
"Denise seems to be denying the existence of [the] e-mail. This goes beyond a he-said-she-said. We have an offer from a [live] TV show. They will bring a computer expert to diagnose the e-mail and to verify it was sent by her e-mail address and to verify it was neither altered nor edited. Computer DNA - it is conclusive."
What show do they have a deal with, America's Biggest Dirtballs? The Craziest, Most Fucked Up People on Earth? What channel is this show on and at what time will it be airing? Are Charlie and Denise going to be on together? Better run them both through a metal detector first...wouldn't want any unfortunate stabbings, bludgeonings or shootings happening on live TV.
Sarah Jessica Parker shows David Letterman how she calls the other forest animals to come to her.
Kirk Douglas frolicked with some school kids in a playground he and his wife paid for. Kirk's at that age where he just doesn't give a fuck anymore. So what if he breaks his hip? Soon he'll be flat on his back with a tube up his asshole anyway.
No, that's not the mummified corpse of Dr. Laura...it's Kirk's wife Anne. One reaches a point where plastic surgery can no longer do one any good...but Anne didn't really feel that point out. So she's still going.
Please tell me Kirk doesn't use Viagra so these two can...oh God...
The press have gotten hold of Nick Hogan's phone calls to his mom from jail. In the one featured above, Nick expresses regret that he didn't fight the case...because his cell is only half the size of his bathroom and he only has a cot to sleep on.
Um...jail's supposed to be bad Nick. You know that right?
Nick's mom Linda's response to his whining makes me hate her worse than the other Hogans all put together. And at the end, Hulk says he's proud of Nick for the way he's handled himself. Uh...you're proud of your son for being a whimpering little pussy? Whatever brother.
Ha ha...good one.
Ali Lohan was on with David Letterman the other night. At the end of the interview, David called her "Lindsay" by accident...the sort of thing that happens when you're as old as Dave is now.
Rather than take pity on aging Dave, however, the Lohan camp is expressing anger at the gaffe.
"It’s a sticky area because Ali’s rising star is both enabled and discredited by her sister’s notoriety," a source explained. "Ali doesn’t want to ride Lindsay’s coattails, and Dina has always believed Ali is a great talent in her own right.
"When he calls her Lindsay, it reminds everyone of how much she emulates her sister’s behavior — she’s basically adopted her voice and look. We can expect it will be hard for Ali to stay out of the tabloids."Ali’s rising star is both enabled and discredited by her sister’s notoriety
Ali's star is not rising. Her getting on Letterman is not a reflection of her being some hot commodity in showbiz...all it means is that the Lohans have smart, well-connected publicity people.
Ali doesn’t want to ride Lindsay’s coattails, and Dina has always believed Ali is a great talent in her own right
Ali's career is riding Lindsay's coattails...that's all she has. And Dina does not believe Ali is a great talent. Even Dina is not that out of touch with reality.
Frankly, I don't think Dina cares if Ali has any talent. Dina knows that it doesn't matter if she has any talent. You can shove pretty much anything down the public's throat these days if you package it right.
Dina probably tells Ali she has talent to keep her built up...but ultimately that will fail.
When he calls her Lindsay, it reminds everyone of how much she emulates her sister’s behavior — she’s basically adopted her voice and look. We can expect it will be hard for Ali to stay out of the tabloids
The last thing Dina wants is for Ali to stay out of the tabloids. The whole point is to get her in the tabloids...while simultaneously denying whatever it is the tabloids say about her.
That's the game...get the publicity but deny the behavior.
As for Ali emulating Lindsay's look and voice...girl's got a long way to go before she looks or sounds like Lindsay. Maybe after she's sucked several thousand cocks, smoked a million cigarettes, drunk gallons of booze and snorted the entire drug output of a fair-sized Central American banana republic she will get close.
Here's a story sure to warm the cockles of your evil little heart...it appears Nick Hogan is having a turrible time adjusting to his new life as a convict in county jail in Florida.
"Nick's doing really bad," a friend told Page 6. "He's struggling to even form a sentence."
And before he was Oscar Wilde?
"They have him in a cell by himself," the friend went on, "isolated from the general population, because of threats. He didn't understand how awful jail really is until now."
That sounds really bad...I'm not sure Nicky deserves it. I think the authorities need to come up with a different punishment for him.
I know...maybe they could bash him over the head with a blunt object until he loses the ability to speak, think or do anything for himself!
That seems fair.
The film world was shocked to learn that Jodie Foster and her long-time partner Cydney Bernard had broken up. Now we've come to learn why their relationship went south: Jodie Foster cheated on Cydney's vagina with another vagina.
The other vagina belongs to Cynthia Mort, a writer and producer on Jodie's revenge melodrama The Brave One. The two reportedly met on the set of that film and commenced munching.
Now the love is reported to be gone between Cydney and Jodie...though the two will continue working together to raise the two children they had via Brad Pitt's donated sperm.
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren got married on Monday in a secret ceremony. That wasn't a very hard secret to keep since no one really cared.
Let's see, details of the ceremony...Beverly Hills courthouse...casually dressed...no one else at the wedding...
Damn...Mariah Carey must be puking over the thought of such a wedding. Any ceremony that doesn't feature at least ten elephants, a choir of angels and the sacrifice of a virgin to the god Huitzilopochtli just isn't up to snuff in Mariah's world.
Joaquin Phoenix really wanted to be in Cannes for the premiere of his new film The Two Lovers...unfortunately, he was too busy getting taken to the hospital with vomiting and dehydration.
Phoenix's rep spun the following explanation:
Joaquin has the stomach flu. He had his dog boarded, his tux in hand but couldn't even sit on the plane. He did go to the hospital to get hydrated, hoping he could get on the plane, but he didn't stay there. He was so sick, and so sorry he couldn't be there with everyone.
The flu. A lot of that going around these days. David Hasselhoff gets that about once a week. And Kirsten Dunst recently had to lay up for a whole month just to let her poor stomach rest from all the flu that was always in it.
What is it with stars and their flu anyway? You'd think that with all their money and fame they'd be happy, and wouldn't need to hit the flu so hard.
I don't know why David Letterman would stoop to having Ali Lohan on his show. Maybe he just likes the freak-show factor. At any rate, it's obvious that Ali has no business being in the public eye like this. She is a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Dina Lohan should be ashamed for exposing her daughter to this. She has no talent and no looks and she will only wind up being destroyed.
This is Rumer Willis on the set of her new movie Wild Cherry. I don't know what the deal is with the Walter Cronkite glasses and floppy hat...maybe she's trying to look like the most trusted mushroom in America.
Wild Cherry, in case you're curious, is about three virgin friends who make a pact not to have sex until they fall in love. Of course these chicks are supposedly choice pieces of ass and all the horny males are trying to nail them.
I'm sorry, but I don't think Rumer is a good enough actress to pull off playing a high school/college-age virgin. Everyone knows she was giving it away by the age of 12. Ugly chicks are always the quickest to spread their legs.
Jennifer Aniston can't help but brag to her friends about what a great lover her new boyfriend John Mayer is.
"Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover," a source told the National Enquirer. "In fact, she can’t stop raving about his skills between the sheets - insisting the sex with him is way better than it was with Brad during their four-and-a-half-year marriage."
In other words, Mayer will go down on her but Pitt wouldn't.
Mayer will pretty much do anything I reckon...that's why that freak Jessica Simpson was so into him.
Okay, I'm tired of these two already. Mayer...hurry up and dump the bitch. That's when this thing gets really entertaining. Unless you're Courteney Cox and David Arquette and have the bear the brunt of Aniston's grief and confusion. Those two might just bite down on cyanide capsules.
Fergie has talent after all...the same talent monkeys have.
She should find herself an organ-grinder and a street corner. I'm sure she's already familiar with numerous fine street-corners.
(See Fergie do flips at about 3:10 on the video.)
The National Enquirer reports (via TMZ) that Will Smith has lent financial backing to a new school that employs methods formulated by L. Ron Hubbard, the famously loopy and money-grubbing founder of the faux-religion Scientology.
The school, called the New Village Academy, does not mention any affiliation with Scientology, but does feature this little nugget on its website, in a section called Glossary of Educational Theories Incorporated by NVA:
Study Technology - An educational model developed by L.R. Hubbard, study technology focuses on three principles. First is the use of “mass” (manipulatives and hands-on experiences) to foster understanding – children need to see and feel what they are learning about. Second is the attention to the “gradient,” which ensures sure students master one level before moving on to the next. Third is the “misunderstood word,” in which students master word definitions and are taught not to read past words they don’t know the meanings of in order to understand completely what they are reading and learning. NVA uses study technology as an umbrella methodology woven through the subjects.
Clearly, this is a Scientology brainwashing effort. I'm sure the school's PE program features a lot of rock hauling. And kids who misbehave will be disciplined by having water dumped on their heads.
Of course, Will Smith does not admit to being a Scientologist. And maybe he isn't. But it is interesting that he's giving money to schools that are clearly Scientology-backed. Obviously, Will has bought into the Scientology jive, even if he hasn't gone so far as to become a full-fledged member.
So, when the Scientology zombies start emerging from these schools and taking over the world, Will Smith will be partly to blame. Thanks a lot, Fresh Prince.
Jude Law's stock is dropping faster than Lindsay Lohan's pants in a truck-stop restroom. I mean seriously...Kimberly Stewart? That's what he's reduced to? Making out with a brainless celebuspawn at a nightclub?
Sure, Sienna Miller is a piece of trash...but at least she's a semi-legitimate celebrity who's been in a few movies. But Kimberly Stewart? She might as well be Peaches Geldof for God's sake.
Jude...I know you'll sleep with just about anything, but damn man. If you're not going to respect yourself at least respect the rest of us. Find yourself some cokehead model or a singer in some trendy alternative rock band. Don't make us feel sorry for you on an even deeper level than we already do.