Miley Cyrus's Naughty New Album Cover

Look at the cover of Miley Cyrus's new album. Oh my God...how sick is that? Her arm is totally naked. And look at that microphone. It's like a big golden dick. Disgusting!!!

More Posh Mark Jacobs Ads

Posh re-enacts her arrival on earth.

Keira Knightley Tries to Sing

Is that someone singing or a rat strangling? She's better than Scarlett Johansson at least.

Brad's Reps Refuse to Comment on Birth Stories

Angelina's reps have told People there's nothing to the birth stories circulating around the internet today...but Brad's manager, when reached by FOXNews.com, refused to comment.

That means the stories are true and Angie's reps are liars. Also, Angie is a twat.

People Says Angelina Birth Story a Crock

The Angelina birth stories have heated up enough for People to step in and call Angie's reps, who say the reports are nothing but hooey.

"Angelina has not given birth," said Angelina's people. "She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France."

Hmm...but maybe that's just what they want us to think. The plot thickens.

Confirmed: Angelina Jolie Gave Birth Earlier This Week

Entertainment Tonight confirms French media reports that Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins in France earlier this week.

ET has also revealed the names of the twins: Isla Marcheline after Angie's mom and Amelie Jane after Brad's mom.

Normal names. Angie must have been lacking inspiration. When she's got more energy maybe she'll rename them something fucked up.

French Media Reporting that Angelina Has Given Birth

Reports are swirling in the French media that Angelina gave birth to her twins at a Catholic clinic in Aix-en-Provence on Sunday, May 25. Reps for Brad and Angie have as yet not made a statement...but you have to believe
that, had Angie not given birth, they would simply issue an outright denial.

This makes us think back to a recent incident in which Dustin Hoffman gave away Angie's due date as August 29. Obviously, from May 25 to August 29 is a huge discrepancy...but if you looked at the size of Angie's belly lately, even considering that she's carrying two, you had to be skeptical that she was really not due until late August.

So why did Hoffman say that? I say he was enlisted on purpose to disseminate that bit of misinformation. I think Angie and Brad deliberately mislead everyone about how far along she was in hopes they could sneak off someplace and have the kids. They wanted us to think she wasn't due until August even though she was about to pop any second. Nice plan. Very sneaky. I hope they send Hoffman a gift basket in gratitude. They should be able to afford a nice one, given all the dough they'll make peddling the baby pictures.

Michael Jackson's Kids

Michael Jackson let his kids run around a book store without their masks on. Good thing Michael's whiter than they are or there could've been some confusion in the family. Angelina would never adopt these kids.

Clay Aiken: Sperminator

From the way out of leftfield department: TMZ reports that Spamalot star and overall dickweed Clay Aiken has donated sperm to artificially inseminate his best friend, 50-year-old record producer Jaymes Foster.

Apparently, Clay has made a habit of staying at Foster's house whenever he's in L.A. But nothing ever happens when they're together. Well, there was that one time...but Clay was really drunk that night and totally forgot he was gay.

By the way...sources say Clay plans on taking a role in the raising of the yet-to-be-born product of his ejaculate. That ought to be an interesting conversation when the kid gets old enough. "Well son/daughter, one day your mommy decided she wanted to have a baby despite being way too old. So she asked me if I would donate some of my sperms and I said yes. So I popped in my tape of Spartacus and got out a little plastic cup. And mommy took the special God-juice with the sperms in it and put it in a turkey baster. And then I don't know what happened because I've never seen woman parts and don't even know where they're located."

Michael Lohan Creeps Out Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush

Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian recently got a first-hand taste of the craziness that is Michael Lohan.

Reggie and Kim were at a party in New York when the mouth-foamingly insane Michael reportedly approached them with a strange request.

"Michael went right up to Kim and Reggie and introduced himself," a witness said. "He asked them to look after Lindsay out in Los Angeles and keep a watchful eye on her.

"Kim and Reggie were very polite and patient with Michael, but were quite shocked by his request as it was the first time they had met him."

Reggie and Kim handled the situation well...they didn't make any sudden moves, didn't do anything that might agitate the lunatic.

Honestly, what planet is Michael living on right now? And even if you thought Kim might be willing to help you out, why the hell would you want her help? She's some paragon of responsibility?

Besides, why does Lindsay need anyone watching over her...I thought she was in a good place in her life and clean and sober and all that.

Oh wait, that's Dina's lie, not Michael's. My bad.

Sharon Stone Might Want to Stay Out of China

Sharon Stone has apologized for saying the earthquakes in China were karmic retribution for Chinese human rights abuses against Tibet.

"My erroneous words and deeds angered and saddened the Chinese people, and I sincerely apologize for this," Stone said in a statement.

The Chinese have responded by collectively giving Stone the finger.

In response to continuing Chinese outrage, Christian Dior has decided to remove Sharon's face from their ads in China. That's okay because they were already smeared with feces.

The Chinese have also reportedly banned Stone from their movie screens from here until the end of time. So if you were hoping to catch The Quick and the Dead during your next trip to Changsha, you're shit out of luck.

Heidi Klum Digs McDonald's

Heidi Klum demonstrates how she goes down on Seal. Yes, Seal has three dicks that look like McDonald's chicken wraps.

Where's Jen-Jen?

John Mayer went to Oahu...without Jennifer Aniston. Should Jen be worried?

Nah...I'm sure he's not out there fucking other women. John Mayer? He's not that kind of guy.

Bill Murray is a Wife-Beating Drunk

Bill Murray has been fooling us all these years. The actor is not in fact an amiable guy, but rather a wife-beating booze-hound/pot-head sex-addict.

This at least is what his wife Jennifer Butler Murray says he is. And I think she'd know.

Jennifer made the accusations in a divorce filing in Charleston County, South Carolina, and is also seeking a restraining order against Murray, with whom she has four children, all minors.

Ms. Murray alleges that Bill has spent the last 10 years beating on her, cheating on her, boozing and smoking pot. One incident related in the complaint has Bill hitting her in the face and telling her she was lucky he "didn't kill her."

Actually Bill, it sounds like you're lucky she didn't kill you.

In fact, why didn't she kill you? Maybe she should have.

Oh, I see...the pre-nup guarantees that Jennifer gets $7 million in the event of divorce. So she'll get the money then hire someone to kill Bill. Good deal.

George Clooney Dumps Sarah Larson

Did Sarah Larson harbor any illusions that she was the one who would finally tame eternal bachelor George Clooney?

If so she is one disappointed stripper...cause George has finally, and we assume permanently, given her the heave-ho.

Emphasis on "ho."

George's reps refused to give details about the split, but one "insider" was willing to yap.

"George is relieved to be single again," said the source. "He thinks Sarah is sweet and that is why it was so hard to break up with her.

"The truth is they had little in common and he just doesn't want to be tied down."

Translation: He is a whore.

Actually, I'm shocked the thing lasted as long as it did...almost a year. George doesn't usually keep anyone or anything around that long, except pot-bellied pigs.

Now he's free to chase a new stripper. And Sarah Larson? Obscurity beckons.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The latest Indiana Jones adventure represents the Moonraker phase in the franchise's history...the point where everyone just said the hell with reality and succumbed to their giddiest and most absurd storytelling impulses.

Of course Indiana Jones never had much to do with recognizable reality anyway...it was always about school boy swashbuckling fantasies and crazy set pieces and finding out how much Kate Capshaw a human being could stand before they ripped all the hair from their skulls and started running around in circles making donkey noises.

Still, the earlier Indy Jones movies at least paid lip service to laws of the universe. They were not superhero movies...Indy Jones was not some kind of invulnerable mega-man but rather a foolhardy-but-resourceful fellow who tended to blunder and stumble and get the shit kicked out of him, and became all the more endearing for it.

The new Indy Jones has thrown all that semi-plausibility out the window in favor of what creator George Lucas quaintly terms "wackiness." And what exactly does George consider wacky? Guys surviving atom bombs by hiding inside refrigerators. Stalinist dominatrices with outrageous accents. Motorcycle chases through university libraries. Shia LaBeouf's hair.

Some may be inspired to use terms other than "wacky" when describing the common-sense-defying antics unleashed in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. "Idiotic" may leap to mind. Also "mind-numbingly dumb" and "astonishingly stupid." All accurate characterizations. And yet, like the films of that silly middle period of the James Bond franchise, the Live and Let Die-Spy Who Loved Me-Moonraker phase, the new Indy Jones manages somehow to survive its own unabashed absurdity.

In fact, I think it does more than survive...it almost triumphs.

There are two factors in this movie's favor: One, the tremendous good feeling the audience has for the character of Indiana Jones; and two, Steven Spielberg.

This is where Indy Jones differs from the James Bond franchise: Where James Bond always remained flippantly above the action, Jones stays undeniably and endearingly a part of it. Harrison Ford was never the kind of actor who could pull off ironic detachment...even when he's being sarcastic he remains heroically straight. A hip actor might've been inspired to wink at the nonsense in the earlier Indy Jones movies and even more at the super-nonsense in this newest one, but not Ford...he plays it gruffly, lovably for real. That's why audiences feel such a fondness for this character (and for Han Solo, who was always more-liked than that douchebag Luke Skywalker). And that fondness stays alive no matter what "wackiness" George Lucas is determined to hit us with.

Lucas, for whatever reason, has been intent on trashing his own legacy. He destroyed the magic of Star Wars with his moronic biological explanations for the Force and his offensively dumb characters like Jar Jar Binks...and he nearly does the same with Indy Jones by stretching toward cartoonish insanity. But our abiding love for Indy Jones as played by Harrison Ford keeps us involved despite the outlandishness. We don't accept what we're seeing - how can anyone accept a man in a fridge getting tossed 10 miles through the air by an atom bomb and not even breaking a bone - but we roll with it. We tolerate this new incarnation of Indiana Jones as a full-on comic book figure because, god damn it, we still get a kick out of Ford and his fedora and his whip.

Nobody ever loved James Bond...they thought he was cool, and Roger Moore had fun with the character even when he was rolling his eyes at the shit he had to play. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could've worked on this level and been perfectly fine...but thanks to Ford it has a little extra juice.

And the movie also benefits from the directorial hand of Steven Spielberg, whose action staging remains outstanding. Spielberg may have just been rolling with the punches, taking on every bit of absurdity Lucas wanted to throw into the movie...but thank God it's Spielberg steering the ship instead of George. The last three Star Wars movies proved that Lucas is not much as a director...Spielberg, though, is an expert at this kind of stuff, and no matter how dumb the action gets, the thrill of the staging and the cutting and John Williams' score stays palpable.

The new elements provide a little extra animation to the action routines, particularly the new stars Cate Blanchett and Shia LaBeouf. Blanchett is such a marvelous actor, probably the best going in the world right now male or female. Yeah, we'd prefer to see her tackle great roles in great art...but it's incredible fun to watch her play this character too, a Russian secret agent possessed of a certain vague kinkiness and a determination that borders on lunacy. Blanchett is so brilliant that, just by her posture and voice and expressions, she is able to suggest all sorts of dimensions to her character that the script doesn't have nearly enough time to deal with. And the way she pronounces "Dr. Jones" is hilarious...almost as hilarious as how Naomi Harris pronounced "Jack Sparrow" in the last two Pirates of the Caribbean flicks.

There isn't even a hint of embarrassment when Blanchett has to fence Shia LaBeouf while the two are poised precariously on a pair of military vehicles racing along a jungle road. The same can't be said for poor Shia when his testicles get battered by a bunch of spiny plants later in the same sequence (more wackiness).

Hard to blame Shia for being a bit disconcerted here, maybe thinking to himself, "Okay...there goes my career down the drain." Unfortunately it's a bit of a thankless role for Shia, who first must view Indy as a doddering old man, then be awestruck by Indy's proficiency and ability to pummel people with his fists. LaBeouf survives by his sheer star presence which is considerable. Transformers convinced me that this kid is gonna be huge...and Disturbia convinced me that he can actually act some. This role adds little to his reputation but he adds a lot of spark and charisma to the movie, and you can tell in his scenes with Ford that the old man received an energy boost by playing with such a dynamic personality.

I hope I haven't been too effusive in my praise for the movie's good elements, and created the impression that I think this is anything more than a load of claptrap. What I wanted to convey more than anything was the warm feeling the movie left me with...the sense of curious satisfaction in spite of everything. No, I don't think George Lucas has done himself any favors...in fact, the film left me with a lower opinion of him than I had before (and it was already pretty low after the Star Wars fiascoes). But it's a measure of the enduring appeal of the Indiana Jones character that, despite Lucas's best self-destructive efforts, one can still smile after all the wackiness, and get slightly giddy when the famous John Williams theme comes up again at the end.

Lucas managed to make me hate Star Wars...but, though he appeared to try, he didn't make me hate Indiana Jones.

Tony Romo Tells Papa Joe to Back Off

Hovering pervoid Joe Simpson may be ruining his daughter Jessica's chances at happiness with football stud Tony Romo.

Jessica and Tony's recent relationship troubles have reportedly been largely due to Joe's insistence on running every aspect of Jessica's life. Tony was ready to split altogether, but agreed to give it another chance...on the condition that Papa Joe get off his back.

And how is Papa Joe going to take this? Not well, I'm guessing. In fact, I doubt Tony will be in the picture much longer than a week. Joe will get in Jessica's ear and that will be the end of it.

It's pretty obvious by now which of Joe's daughters is his favorite. He was happy to marry Ashlee off to Pete Wentz...but he'll never let anyone marry Jessica (until he finds a country where it's legal for him to marry her himself).

Kirsten Dunst Also Depresses Herself

Kirsten Dunst told E! Online that her recent rehab trip had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol and everything to do with her being a miserable, depressed shell of a human being.

"It was a good six months before I decided to go away," Dunst explained. "I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn't know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge."

Cause nothing cures depression like being in Utah.

Kiki decided to go public with her issues in order to dispel speculation about her being a drunk and a drug-addict.

"There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life, and it’s been very painful for my friends and family," she said. "Everyone feels like they have to defend me. They hear the rumors, and it puts them in a defensive position. Now that I’m feeling stronger, I was prepared to say something."

You should've saved it...no one cares.

Actually Kiki, I take that back...I'm glad you came clean about your depression. It makes me feel good to know you feel bad. I don't know why. I just hate you for no good reason and want you to be unhappy.

I'll Never Eat Ben & Jerry's Again...

Any fat-asses out there looking to cut back on their ice cream consumption...just tape this picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal chomping down Ben & Jerry's to your fridge. After you look at it, you won't be able to even think about ice cream without vomiting.

Amy Winehouse Fears Accidents

The shocking thing isn't that Amy Winehouse wears diapers...it's that we never noticed it before.

Come on, you think this is a recent development? No way...Amy has been wearing diapers for awhile. Pretty much since she was a baby. They just keep getting bigger, and filled with more interesting things.

Pete Wentz's Mask-Message

Poor sad Pete Wentz...why did you marry Ashlee Simpson? You're gay. And she's the most depressing person on earth.

The Blob is 2

Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt turns 2 today. I'm sure her cage is beautifully decorated.

2 years...that's longer than blobs usually survive in the wild. Congratulations Shiloh!

Michael Lohan Thinks Lindsay is a Lesbian

Dina Lohan may be in absolute denial about Lindsay having gone over to the carpet-munchers, but Lindsay's dad Michael is not.

Speaking to Us Magazine, Michael said Lindsay's romantic feelings for Samantha Ronson are "evident to anyone with half a brain," adding, "[Lindsay] is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God."

That's not exactly a blessing from Michael...but it's still better than Dina's pathetic attempts at sweeping Lindsay's lesbian preferences under the rug entirely.

Seriously Dina, what the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just accept that Lindsay has a taste for tuna and be cool with that? How backward are you?

Wake up and join the 21st Century, bitch.

Honestly, does anyone blame Lindsay for preferring women? Look at the way men have always fucked with her...starting with Michael. Dina should have sympathy for this, considering her own issues with men.

Then again, if you want to be brutally honest about it, Lindsay hasn't exactly had great experiences with women either. Starting with her mom...and working all the way up to Samantha who blatantly sold her out to the tabloids when she was on one of her famous benders.

Lindsay has basically been betrayed over and over again...but thankfully she has inherited her mother's talent for hiding her head up her own butt. Otherwise she would've killed herself by now.

Nicole Kidman Thinks Tom Cruise is Manipulating Their Children

Nicole Kidman is speaking out against ex-husband Tom Cruise's evil campaign to push her out of their adopted children's lives and claim their little souls entirely for Xenu.

"It’s a pity they have been manipulated by the father to distance themselves from me," Kidman has said, adding, "They are closer to their new mom [Katie Holmes] now.”

Well Nicole...what did you expect from Tom? He's a fanatical Scientologist. Obviously, he doesn't want his kids exposed to any influences that might make them doubt the absolute rightness of his little religion. So, clearly, he has no choice but to keep them away from you.

You might as well face it Nicole...they're not your kids anymore. You live in the cold, dark outside world with the other non-believers, while they bask in the bright light of Scientology...and inhale fatal quantities of asbestos.

Brooke Hogan Survives Car Crash, Tweaks John Graziano

You'd think the Hogan family would want to distance themselves as much as possible from talk of John Graziano, the alleged family friend whom jailbird Nick rendered vegetative via car crash.

Then again, we already know the Hogans aren't the brightest bulbs in the strand...so maybe it's not a surprise that they keep slamming John directly and indirectly, hence reinforcing everyone's view that they are all vile, reprehensible and heartless people.

Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk, was the latest to take a swipe at the comatose John. Ms. Brooke, it turns out, was just in a fender-bender of her own (not being able to drive is apparently a family trait). Afterward, writing in her blog, Brooke attributed her survival of said accident to her seatbelt:

I don't know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves . . . As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn't have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight.

Graziano, as most people know, was not wearing his seatbelt when he suffered his brain injuries. The Hogan family has insisted since then that Graziano's state should be blamed not on Nick's idiocy, but on Graziano's own foolishness in not strapping in.

Clearly then, Brooke's little blog post was meant as further reinforcement of the family line. This, in my opinion, is nothing but a bullying tactic, John Graziano being utterly incapable of defending himself.

Brooke also seems to be directly contradicting stuff her father Hulk recently said about Graziano's injuries being divinely inflicted. In one of Hulk's pitiful phone conversations with the incarcerated Nick, Hulk made it known that he believes Graziano was being punished by God for bad stuff he did.

So, by Hulk's logic, it wouldn't have made any difference for Graziano to wear his seatbelt, right? Or am I being too generous in attributing to Hulk any capacity for "logic" at all?

At any rate...it appears no one in the Hogan family has the class or pure public relations savvy to realize that they should now all shut up about John Graziano. Anything negative they say about him is going to look like piling-on. He's in a coma...he can't stand up for himself. When you attack him you just look like a brute.

Photographic Evidence of Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson's Relationship

There you go...Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are a couple. Owen Wilson is, even as we speak, reaching for the rat poison.

Don't do it Owen! You have so much to live for! There are tons of chicks you haven't banged yet!

A Night Out With Andy Dick

Andy Dick and his "friend" fail to gain entry to Hyde, and so spend their evening staggering randomly about the city, accosting people and calling strange women whores.

Andy's "friend" finally gets fed up with the photogs and goes after them. Lots of shouting and threatening ensues but little in the way of actual manly violence.

And people wonder why I hate Andy Dick.

Sharon Stone is Deep

Sharon is good friends with the Dalai Lama. I bet she sits on his face.

Yes Sharon...innocent school children being crushed to death by falling schools is karmic retribution for the Chinese oppression in Tibet. Why don't you please now shut your stupid fucking mouth you half-witted twat?

Lindsay Lohan is Engaged to Samantha Ronson

Lindsay Lohan has become engaged to her boyfriend Samantha Ronson. The two were spotted kissing and cuddling at Sean Combs' Cannes party, then Lindsay was photographed sporting an engagement ring at a Dolce and Gabbana event.

There's been a rumor going around for awhile now that Samantha is actually female, making her and Lindsay lesbian lovers. But that is the most preposterous thing I've ever heard. If Sam Ronson has a vagina, then I'm the queen of England.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Still Soldiering On

Despite all rumors to the contrary, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are still a couple.

The two lovebirds were together in Dallas over the weekend, according to the Dallas Morning News and Perez Hilton. They dined at a steakhouse Saturday night, then had Sunday brunch at a place called Sneaky Pete's.

Reports prior to the Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz wedding had Jessica and Tony breaking up. Then it was reported that Papa Joe had begged Tony to show up for the wedding...ostensibly because he didn't want Jessica to be miserable on her sister's happy day. Since then it has come out that the photo deal Papa Joe signed with People stipulated that Romo had to be present. Had Romo not shown up it would've cost Joe $1.4 million.

I wonder if Joe cut Romo in on the $1.4 million.

Hulk Hogan Blames God for What Happened to John Graziano

This may be the most outrageous clip in the history of the known universe...Hulk Hogan on the phone with his jailbird son Nick, saying John Graziano got his brain scrambled in the car wreck because God was getting back at him. And then, as if the scumminess weren't scummy enough, the two revolting, unrepentant pieces of shit discuss Nick's comeback after he gets out of the slammer:

boomp3.com

Celebs do pretty disgusting things from time to time, but seldom have I believed that any of them were truly and genuinely evil. Hulk and Nick Hogan, however, are genuinely and truly evil. I weep for humanity.

So Long Hillary Clinton, it's Been Good to Know Ya

This is what happens when you spend too much time talking...eventually you say something unbelievably stupid.

Please Hillary, just go away now.

Denise Richards v. Charlie Sheen - The Crazy Train Rolls On

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen will never stop sniping at each other...I hope.

The latest round of Sheen-Richards unpleasantness has centered around Sheen's claim that Denise sent an email to Charlie's fiance Brooke Mueller asking Charlie to donate sperm so Denise could turkey-baster herself with it and produce another creepy, staring kid.

Richards, naturally, has vehemently denied this ever happened.

"I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm," Denise said. "I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

Richards also describes the response she got from Charlie after a recent message she sent him:

"Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you fucking whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.

"He missed Dad's day at the school and my father had to go in his place. And this is how he talks to me?"

Sheen's reps have hit back at Denise's denial of the sperm email:

"Denise seems to be denying the existence of [the] e-mail. This goes beyond a he-said-she-said. We have an offer from a [live] TV show. They will bring a computer expert to diagnose the e-mail and to verify it was sent by her e-mail address and to verify it was neither altered nor edited. Computer DNA - it is conclusive."

What show do they have a deal with, America's Biggest Dirtballs? The Craziest, Most Fucked Up People on Earth? What channel is this show on and at what time will it be airing? Are Charlie and Denise going to be on together? Better run them both through a metal detector first...wouldn't want any unfortunate stabbings, bludgeonings or shootings happening on live TV.

Miley Cyrus in Her Red Lace Underwear

Miley supposedly sent these to Nick Jonas. Billy Ray has that bottom one as his desktop.

Sarah Jessica Parker Makes Animal Noises

Sarah Jessica Parker shows David Letterman how she calls the other forest animals to come to her.

Kirk Douglas Goes Down Slide; Hips Remain Intact

Kirk Douglas frolicked with some school kids in a playground he and his wife paid for. Kirk's at that age where he just doesn't give a fuck anymore. So what if he breaks his hip? Soon he'll be flat on his back with a tube up his asshole anyway.

No, that's not the mummified corpse of Dr. Laura...it's Kirk's wife Anne. One reaches a point where plastic surgery can no longer do one any good...but Anne didn't really feel that point out. So she's still going.

Please tell me Kirk doesn't use Viagra so these two can...oh God...

Audio of Nick Hogan's Phone Call to His Mom

The press have gotten hold of Nick Hogan's phone calls to his mom from jail. In the one featured above, Nick expresses regret that he didn't fight the case...because his cell is only half the size of his bathroom and he only has a cot to sleep on.

Um...jail's supposed to be bad Nick. You know that right?

Nick's mom Linda's response to his whining makes me hate her worse than the other Hogans all put together. And at the end, Hulk says he's proud of Nick for the way he's handled himself. Uh...you're proud of your son for being a whimpering little pussy? Whatever brother.

Harrison Ford Tackles Indiana Jones Trivia on Conan O'Brien

Ha ha...good one.

More Evidence of Lohan Delusion

Ali Lohan was on with David Letterman the other night. At the end of the interview, David called her "Lindsay" by accident...the sort of thing that happens when you're as old as Dave is now.

Rather than take pity on aging Dave, however, the Lohan camp is expressing anger at the gaffe.

"It’s a sticky area because Ali’s rising star is both enabled and discredited by her sister’s notoriety," a source explained. "Ali doesn’t want to ride Lindsay’s coattails, and Dina has always believed Ali is a great talent in her own right.

"When he calls her Lindsay, it reminds everyone of how much she emulates her sister’s behavior — she’s basically adopted her voice and look. We can expect it will be hard for Ali to stay out of the tabloids."

Ali’s rising star is both enabled and discredited by her sister’s notoriety

Ali's star is not rising. Her getting on Letterman is not a reflection of her being some hot commodity in showbiz...all it means is that the Lohans have smart, well-connected publicity people.

Ali doesn’t want to ride Lindsay’s coattails, and Dina has always believed Ali is a great talent in her own right

Ali's career is riding Lindsay's coattails...that's all she has. And Dina does not believe Ali is a great talent. Even Dina is not that out of touch with reality.

Frankly, I don't think Dina cares if Ali has any talent. Dina knows that it doesn't matter if she has any talent. You can shove pretty much anything down the public's throat these days if you package it right.

Dina probably tells Ali she has talent to keep her built up...but ultimately that will fail.

When he calls her Lindsay, it reminds everyone of how much she emulates her sister’s behavior — she’s basically adopted her voice and look. We can expect it will be hard for Ali to stay out of the tabloids

The last thing Dina wants is for Ali to stay out of the tabloids. The whole point is to get her in the tabloids...while simultaneously denying whatever it is the tabloids say about her.

That's the game...get the publicity but deny the behavior.

As for Ali emulating Lindsay's look and voice...girl's got a long way to go before she looks or sounds like Lindsay. Maybe after she's sucked several thousand cocks, smoked a million cigarettes, drunk gallons of booze and snorted the entire drug output of a fair-sized Central American banana republic she will get close.

Cameron Diaz is the Greatest Criminal Mind of This or Any Other Time

Cameron Diaz sports a bald cap for a movie role. I endorse her as the next Lex Luthor.

Nick Hogan Can't Hack it in Jail

Here's a story sure to warm the cockles of your evil little heart...it appears Nick Hogan is having a turrible time adjusting to his new life as a convict in county jail in Florida.

"Nick's doing really bad," a friend told Page 6. "He's struggling to even form a sentence."

And before he was Oscar Wilde?

"They have him in a cell by himself," the friend went on, "isolated from the general population, because of threats. He didn't understand how awful jail really is until now."

That sounds really bad...I'm not sure Nicky deserves it. I think the authorities need to come up with a different punishment for him.

I know...maybe they could bash him over the head with a blunt object until he loses the ability to speak, think or do anything for himself!

That seems fair.

Jodie Foster is a Dirty Cheating Ho

The film world was shocked to learn that Jodie Foster and her long-time partner Cydney Bernard had broken up. Now we've come to learn why their relationship went south: Jodie Foster cheated on Cydney's vagina with another vagina.

The other vagina belongs to Cynthia Mort, a writer and producer on Jodie's revenge melodrama The Brave One. The two reportedly met on the set of that film and commenced munching.

Now the love is reported to be gone between Cydney and Jodie...though the two will continue working together to raise the two children they had via Brad Pitt's donated sperm.

Things I Forgot to Care About: Jessica Alba Married Cash Warren

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren got married on Monday in a secret ceremony. That wasn't a very hard secret to keep since no one really cared.

Let's see, details of the ceremony...Beverly Hills courthouse...casually dressed...no one else at the wedding...

Damn...Mariah Carey must be puking over the thought of such a wedding. Any ceremony that doesn't feature at least ten elephants, a choir of angels and the sacrifice of a virgin to the god Huitzilopochtli just isn't up to snuff in Mariah's world.

"Flu" Fells Joaquin Phoenix

Joaquin Phoenix really wanted to be in Cannes for the premiere of his new film The Two Lovers...unfortunately, he was too busy getting taken to the hospital with vomiting and dehydration.

Phoenix's rep spun the following explanation:

Joaquin has the stomach flu. He had his dog boarded, his tux in hand but couldn't even sit on the plane. He did go to the hospital to get hydrated, hoping he could get on the plane, but he didn't stay there. He was so sick, and so sorry he couldn't be there with everyone.

The flu. A lot of that going around these days. David Hasselhoff gets that about once a week. And Kirsten Dunst recently had to lay up for a whole month just to let her poor stomach rest from all the flu that was always in it.

What is it with stars and their flu anyway? You'd think that with all their money and fame they'd be happy, and wouldn't need to hit the flu so hard.

Today in Discomfort: Ali Lohan on Letterman

I don't know why David Letterman would stoop to having Ali Lohan on his show. Maybe he just likes the freak-show factor. At any rate, it's obvious that Ali has no business being in the public eye like this. She is a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Dina Lohan should be ashamed for exposing her daughter to this. She has no talent and no looks and she will only wind up being destroyed.

Andy Garcia is Bigfoot

Andy Garcia may have Robin Williams beat in the body-hair department. He's still lagging behind the Mexican Wolf Man though.

Rumer Willis Remains Quite Ugly

This is Rumer Willis on the set of her new movie Wild Cherry. I don't know what the deal is with the Walter Cronkite glasses and floppy hat...maybe she's trying to look like the most trusted mushroom in America.

Wild Cherry, in case you're curious, is about three virgin friends who make a pact not to have sex until they fall in love. Of course these chicks are supposedly choice pieces of ass and all the horny males are trying to nail them.

I'm sorry, but I don't think Rumer is a good enough actress to pull off playing a high school/college-age virgin. Everyone knows she was giving it away by the age of 12. Ugly chicks are always the quickest to spread their legs.

John Mayer F**ks Good According to Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston can't help but brag to her friends about what a great lover her new boyfriend John Mayer is.

"Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover," a source told the National Enquirer. "In fact, she can’t stop raving about his skills between the sheets - insisting the sex with him is way better than it was with Brad during their four-and-a-half-year marriage."

In other words, Mayer will go down on her but Pitt wouldn't.

Mayer will pretty much do anything I reckon...that's why that freak Jessica Simpson was so into him.

Okay, I'm tired of these two already. Mayer...hurry up and dump the bitch. That's when this thing gets really entertaining. Unless you're Courteney Cox and David Arquette and have the bear the brunt of Aniston's grief and confusion. Those two might just bite down on cyanide capsules.

Meth Gives Fergie Amazing Gymnastic Skills

Fergie has talent after all...the same talent monkeys have.

She should find herself an organ-grinder and a street corner. I'm sure she's already familiar with numerous fine street-corners.

(See Fergie do flips at about 3:10 on the video.)

Will Smith Gives Money to Scientology School

The National Enquirer reports (via TMZ) that Will Smith has lent financial backing to a new school that employs methods formulated by L. Ron Hubbard, the famously loopy and money-grubbing founder of the faux-religion Scientology.

The school, called the New Village Academy, does not mention any affiliation with Scientology, but does feature this little nugget on its website, in a section called Glossary of Educational Theories Incorporated by NVA:

Study Technology - An educational model developed by L.R. Hubbard, study technology focuses on three principles. First is the use of “mass” (manipulatives and hands-on experiences) to foster understanding – children need to see and feel what they are learning about. Second is the attention to the “gradient,” which ensures sure students master one level before moving on to the next. Third is the “misunderstood word,” in which students master word definitions and are taught not to read past words they don’t know the meanings of in order to understand completely what they are reading and learning. NVA uses study technology as an umbrella methodology woven through the subjects.

Clearly, this is a Scientology brainwashing effort. I'm sure the school's PE program features a lot of rock hauling. And kids who misbehave will be disciplined by having water dumped on their heads.

Of course, Will Smith does not admit to being a Scientologist. And maybe he isn't. But it is interesting that he's giving money to schools that are clearly Scientology-backed. Obviously, Will has bought into the Scientology jive, even if he hasn't gone so far as to become a full-fledged member.

So, when the Scientology zombies start emerging from these schools and taking over the world, Will Smith will be partly to blame. Thanks a lot, Fresh Prince.

Jude Law is Hosing Kimberly Stewart

Jude Law's stock is dropping faster than Lindsay Lohan's pants in a truck-stop restroom. I mean seriously...Kimberly Stewart? That's what he's reduced to? Making out with a brainless celebuspawn at a nightclub?

Sure, Sienna Miller is a piece of trash...but at least she's a semi-legitimate celebrity who's been in a few movies. But Kimberly Stewart? She might as well be Peaches Geldof for God's sake.

Jude...I know you'll sleep with just about anything, but damn man. If you're not going to respect yourself at least respect the rest of us. Find yourself some cokehead model or a singer in some trendy alternative rock band. Don't make us feel sorry for you on an even deeper level than we already do.

Sarah Jessica Parker is the New Madonna

Sarah Jessica Parker is the latest female celeb to jump on the gym-rat bandwagon. So far her veins are not bulging, but give her time. Soon her body will look like Arnold Schwarzenegger circa Pumping Iron. Her face already does.

Harrison Ford...Like Your Grandpa Only Buffer

Harrison Ford looks great from the neck down. Unfortunately, everything above the neck looks like James Traficant.

The new Indiana Jones movie is getting mixed reviews after its premiere in Cannes. Some people like the old-fashioned vibe it gives off while others are disconcerted by all the special effects. I haven't seen it obviously, but my guess is that they sort of fudged it...they wanted a lot of classic Indiana Jones feel to keep the old fans happy, but didn't want to alienate the younguns, and so threw in a lot of CGI and crazy superhero shit.

Ultra-big-budget movies always have the same sense of nervous anxiety about them, the same quality of trying to be all things to all people. By trying to please everyone, they end up being too busy and manic and mind-numbing. I doubt this one is any different.

Poor Naive Jennifer Aniston Thinks John Mayer is a Keeper

Jennifer Aniston has not yet picked up the unmistakable horndog vibe coming off John Mayer, but actually thinks he's a keeper.

"Jen thinks John could be ‘The One’," said a source. "She’s usually pretty cautious when it comes to dating but, with John, she has decided to follow her gut feelings."

The feeling she's been following is in something a little lower than the gut I think. And either way, the brain has been entirely left out of the equation.

Obviously, Jennifer is one of these masochistic people who inevitably set themselves up to have their hearts broken. She's a rejection addict is what she is. On some weird, sick level, she enjoys the misery and the gallons of Chunky Monkey and the calls to Courteney Cox at three in the morning where she pours her little heart out while Courteney sits there rolling her eyes.

John, meanwhile, is just a skirt-chaser. He feels nothing.

Brad, Angie and Shiloh Beset by Photographers in Cannes

The Cannes paparazzi descended upon Brad, Angie and Shiloh as they visited a shop. Shiloh seemed to handle it well. She must be on sedatives.

Kirsten Dunst Looks Almost Clean

Wow...rehab really helped Kirsten Dunst. Or maybe it's that she's been fucking Ryan Gosling. Whatever it is, she looks a lot better than before. Like she developed some self-respect along the way and decided to dump the whole neo-Bohemian dirtbag bit.

By the way...Kirsten better not let her butt balloon too much, or Gosling will dump her the way he dumped that fat-ass Rachel McAdams.

Shiloh's Creepy Doll

Not to wear everyone out with Brad, Angie and the Rainbow Brood...but I just had to say something about this picture of Shiloh, Brad and Shiloh's doll. Am I the only one who thinks that doll is kinda creepy? Sorta angry-looking? Not the least bit cute or adorable?

I don't know...maybe I'm old fashioned, but a doll to me is Raggedy Ann. That thing looks like a training dummy for learning infant CPR.

Another amusing thing about this pic...Shiloh and Brad's identical slack-jawed expressions. "Do you see her? I think we got away this time....ugh, Angie, what are you doing sneaking around back there?"

Amy Winehouse Gets Flowers on Her Anniversary

Amy Winehouse's fans dumped a bunch of flowers on her doorstep to commemorate the 1st anniversary of her marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil. This really tripped Amy up, given that she had completely forgotten she was married.

"What's all this then?" Amy uttered.

Then rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't seeing things. Again.

Nicole Kidman's Face Grows Ever More Disturbing

Everyone wants to talk about Nicole Kidman's preggo bump...but screw dat. I want to talk about her face.

Specifically, I want to talk about the fact that I may now be seeing her face in my nightmares for the rest of my life.

I mean, seriously Nicole...whatever it is you're doing to that thing, please stop.

I don't know if it's Botox or sheep's blood or Kryptonite or what the fuck she's using. I just know the result isn't good. Unless she's in fact trying to turn herself into Renee Zellweger. In that case, everything is right on track.

And Keith Urban...Pete Wentz called, he wants his look back.

Seriously Keith...going Emo hillbilly from the neck up is not going to help you.

Angie Wants to Name the Twins Castor and Pollux

You thought Shiloh Nouvel was a terrible handle to hang a baby with...but apparently Angelina is ready to top even that bit of sadism by naming her new twins Castor and Pollux.

Yes, the Gemini. And guess what Angie's astrological sign is?

Oh Angie...so cosmic. Your sign is the twins and you are having twins. This is clearly the universe's way of telling you how special you are and how special your babies are.

Only one problem...Brad is apparently not on board with Angelina's latest bit of baby-naming insanity.

The Bradster's big problem is with the name "Pollux," which he thinks sounds too much like the word "bollocks." Apparently, Brad is not thrilled with his daughter sounding like she was named after a vulgar term for testicles.

Actually, the whole subject of testicles is a very sensitive one for Brad...given that he has completely surrendered his.

Or, maybe not...if he is in fact standing up to Angelina on this completely absurd matter. I mean honestly, who names their kids "Castor" and "Pollux?" Naming the first one "New Messiah" was bad enough.

This is one Brad needs to win, otherwise...those poor kids.

Heather Mills Releasing Healthy Living Manual

Heather Mills believes she is an authority on healthy living...and to prove it she is writing a manual.

The 64-page book, entitled Get Healthy With Heather, will outline for gullible consumers the steps to living a stress-free life.

“Spring is in the air and this is a time for change, regeneration and new beginnings," Heather writes. "We all know sometimes that life’s problems can be quite overwhelming so it’s really important we learn to relax properly and iron out those everyday stresses and strains.”

Step 1: Make a lot of money by marrying a famous man then divorcing him.
Step 2: Gain fame by marrying a famous man then divorcing him.
Step 3: Foster positive public image by lending support to causes one doesn't really give a flying fuck about (landmine victims; animal rights).
Step 4: Celebrate new, stress-free life with dog-murdering fireworks.
Step 5: Enjoy oneself by acting like a gibbering, paranoid maniac on television.
Step 6: Take out any remaining frustration by dumping water over head of famous ex-husband's lawyer during divorce proceedings.

Unfortunately, Heather forgot to follow the most important advice: Stay out of the path of runaway police motorcycles.

Stupid thieving twat-faced gimp.

Video Preview of Living Lohan

Dina Lohan, you have bullshat us again.

You kept saying your new reality show "Living Lohan" was about you and Ali, not Lindsay. But here's a preview clip featured on E!, and what is it of? You and Ali reading stuff about Lindsay on the web, and you going all crazy trying to defend Lindsay's good name.

We see through you Dina, you lying cooze. Your reality show is not about you trying to launch Ali's career...it's about you firing back at the people who claim you're a bad mother for the way Lindsay turned out.

And what is your approach? To claim Lindsay isn't really that bad...to say most of the bad stuff she's allegedly done has been fabricated by the tabloids.

Unfortunately, that argument is as lame as Ali's music. The tabloids didn't make up Lindsay getting arrested for DUI. It didn't make up her going to rehab. It didn't make up her getting fired from movies. It didn't make up the movies she actually managed to make tanking at the box office.

Truth is, Dina, you've failed miserably both as her mother and her manager. Her life is a wreck and so is her career. And blaming all that on the tabs and the blogs is just pathetic. And you are pathetic. And your show is pathetic. And Ali is the most pathetic of all.

Britney in Costa Rica

Britney Spears has been enjoying herself as Mel Gibson's guest in Costa Rica. Mel himself has yet to pop up in any of the pictures I've seen...which leads me to believe that Mel is not actually present at the place where Britney is staying.

No, I think Mel's mercy mission on Britney's behalf is actually Mel's wife Robyn's mercy mission, and Mel has to go along with it because...well, that's what happens when you fuck up as bad as Mel has fucked up. If the wife wants to half-way adopt a wayward pop star, you just have to suck it up and write the checks.

I bet Mel's not too happy about having to foot the bill for Britney's little spiritual healing session though. "Two-hundred bucks for Cheetos. Who the fuck eats two-hundred dollars worth of Cheetos in four days?"

Let's just hope Mel is really only supporting his wife in this and is not in fact taking a personal interest in Britney's rehabilitation. Britney's life is bad enough without her becoming a Jew-hating Jesus-freak on top of it.

If she starts calling people "Sugar Tits," we'll know there's a problem.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong

Now we know why Kate Hudson broke up with Owen Wilson...she was too busy shagging Lance Armstrong.

Armstrong, who was last linked with Ashley Olsen aka The Almost-Normal One, reportedly had dinner with Hudson Friday and Saturday night in Austin. The second night they ate at the Hula Hut with an entire entourage in tow.

"They came in with the kids and a large group of people," says a source. "They ordered dinner – tacos, burgers and fries and that sort of stuff."

Pictures have yet to surface of Hudson and Armstrong together...but I hope that when they do the police will have the good sense to close off any bridges near Owen Wilson.

Scarlett Johansson Pulls a J-Lo, Gets Left Home from Cannes

Woody Allen's latest movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona premiered Saturday at Cannes to a standing ovation...but star Scarlett Johansson wasn't there to experience it.

Scarlett, it turns out, was back in New York while Woody and her co-stars Rebecca Hall and Penelope Cruz soaked up all the adulation at the world's most famous film festival. Did Scarlett have a cold? Was there a scheduling conflict?

No...in fact, Scarlett had every intention of being at Cannes with her doting director and fellow actors. Unfortunately, Ms. Johansson laid a load of absurd demands on the film studio, and rather than shell out the cash to keep Scarlett happy, the studio simply left her behind.

It wasn't that the studio was playing cheap either: They were already paying for flights, hotels, limos, clothes, hair and make-up. This wasn't good enough for Scarlett, who objected to having to share stylists with Penelope Cruz and Rebecca Hall, and demanded the studio pony up 20,000 additional Euros for her to have her own personal beauty staff for 4 days.

And then there was the hotel. Woody and the other actors were booked into a place in the center of Cannes to facilitate getting to events...but Scarlett apparently didn't want to deal with the paparazzi, and demanded to be put up in a place outside of town, an arrangement that would've thrown everyone else's schedules out-of-whack.

The troubles with Scarlett apparently didn't sit well with her drooling surrogate father Woody Allen. "...while Woody's terribly fond of Scarlett," a source said, "he was a little upset that she wasn't being a team player."

Of course, Woody's blind adoration of Scarlett is half the reason she has such a big head in the first place. Maybe one day he will wake up and realize she's only a mediocre actress, and will cease mindlessly adding to her over-validation issues.

By the way...it doesn't appear Scarlett was missed much in Cannes.

"Nobody cared she wasn't there," said one catty New York socialite in town for the festival. "The movie belonged to Penelope and Rebecca anyway with great help from Javier [Bardem]."

In fact, early reviews of the film speak highly of the comic rapport between Cruz and Bardem, who play a fiercely bickering couple, and apparently improvised most of their Spanish dialogue. Scarlett? Most critics agree that Woody and his movie would be better off without her.

Exclusive: First Photo From Pete Wentz-Ashlee Simpson Wedding!

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson got married on Saturday. Papa Joe performed the non-denominational ceremony, at last making use of the ordained minister status he acquired by answering an ad in the back of Penthouse. Pete celebrated at the reception by getting drunk and making out with Benji Madden. Ashlee stood around most of the time not making eye contact with anyone. Joe merely sat in the back of the room petting his shotgun and smiling.

Brad and Angelina's Adopto-Kids are Confused About the Whole Pregnancy Thing

Brad and Angie's adopto-kids have developed some curious notions about what's going on inside their pregnant faux-mommy's womb right now.

"The kids are excited and they are starting to understand about me being pregnant," Angelina explained. "We’ve had it before with Shiloh so they know what’s going on."

Their understanding would, however, appear to be incomplete. Angie says:

"Zahara pretends she’s pregnant too and says she has an animal in her tummy. She says the piggy is making her eat all the chocolate brownies! And Pax says he’s got a baby monkey inside him! So it’s really fun in our house at the moment."

That's fun? Those kids sound disturbed.

Zahara is clearly messed up about being the only black kid in the Rainbow Brood (hence her belief that the "piggy" is eating chocolate brownies), and Pax is obviously repressing some awful memory of being attacked by a monkey back when he lived in his Southeast Asian shithole home before being rescued by the big crazy white lady with the alien arms.

And God only knows what sick shit is in Shiloh's head. Probably nightmares about Steve McQueen movies.

Gretchen Wilson Graduates from High School. Take That, Spears Family!

Country skank Gretchen Wilson has graduated from high school at the age of 34.

Damn man...I've heard of people getting held back a couple times, but that's ridiculous.

Actually, Gretchen dropped out in the ninth grade because of "family problems," but decided to enroll in an adult education program so that she could get her diploma.

So much work for nothing Gretchen...you should've just broken into someone's house, stolen their diploma and changed the name on it. You wouldn't think white trash like Gretchen would need something like that explained to her.

I shouldn't joke though...it's really a great accomplishment for Gretchen to graduate high school. No one else in her family had ever done it (one uncle almost made it but had to flee the state when the cops found his meth lab).

Katie Takes Suri for Tap Dancing Lessons

Suri in her little tap shoes. Yes, Katie and Tom have signed Suri up for tap-dancing lessons. There won't be any pressure on that kid, will there?

Who knows...maybe she has talent. She could be the next Shirley Temple for all we know.

Brad and Angie Do the Cannes Red Carpet

Brad and Angelina hit the red carpet in Cannes. Angelina's not due till August? She'll be the size of the Hindenburg by then.

That dress makes her look like some kind of crazy art project. You know, where some pretentious cock drapes an entire small country in curtains to symbolize man's inhumanity to man or some such bullshit.

Mel Gibson and Britney Spears Are in Costa Rica

Mel Gibson's interest in Britney Spears extends beyond dinner dates. Even as we speak, the loopy Jew-hater and the over-medicated vehicular menace are enjoying a weekend stay together at Mel's place in Costa Rica.

Gibson appears to have adopted Britney as a sort of project. Some act of Christian charity I guess. Or maybe he just wants to get in her pants. I don't even care to speculate as to what ulterior motives Gibson may have. That dude's brain is a frightening place full of spiders and scorpions and talking whiskey bottles.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson Break Up. Wait...They Were Together?

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have apparently broken up again. This news stunned me...because I hadn't realized they were actually together.

Clearly, these two are each other's crack. They want to get clean but they just can't stop going back for more. Unfortunately, every time their relationship goes bad, Owen ends up a babbling wreck with a bottle of pills in one hand and a dull razor in the other.

Hopefully this time Owen will be able to just let her go. I mean, honestly...is she that hot? I guess her booty is pretty tight...but come on. It's only a booty. Plenty of that walking around.

Sean Penn is Right About Barack Obama

Finally, someone cuts through all the bullshit about Barack Obama and says what Crabbie has been saying (not on my blog because I'm not supposed to write about politics on here) for weeks...that the people who support Obama are building this guy up way too much, and will only be incredibly disappointed later on when they realize he's not actually a messiah but merely a politician.

The cold bucket of water was delivered at the Cannes Film Festival by noted lefty Sean Penn:

"I don't have a candidate I'm supporting and I'm certainly interested and excited by the hope that Barack Obama is inspiring,” Penn said, but went on to accuse Obama of a “phenomenally inhuman and unconstitutional” voting record.

”I hope that he will understand, if he is the nominee, the degree of disillusionment that will happen if he doesn't become a greater man than he will ever be,” Penn said. “This is the most important election, certainly in my lifetime, and maybe ever.”

Disillusionment? It will be a fucking pitchforks-and-torches situation. "We thought you were so wonderful Barack and you betrayed us with your political compromises!"

But all presidents end up making those compromises...it's just the way the game is played. I hope - hope - that the Obama supporters will understand this...but I have a feeling a lot of them, the most unrealistic ones, will choose to be angry instead.

Trailer for Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller's The Edge of Love

Keira plays a bitch who's hot for Dylan Thomas. Sienna is Thomas's wife. Keira ends up hot for Sienna too. Word is there's no real lesbo action so all you guys who dig that stuff, forget it. Keira appears to be developing this sly, desperate edge to her persona which may make her more interesting as time goes on. Just going by the little bits in that trailer, it's a good thing Lindsay Lohan dropped out and Sienna took her place...cause no way could Lohan had pulled a thing like that off. Jesus, why was she even cast in the first place?

Video: John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston Face the Paparazzi

John Mayer treated Jennifer Aniston to a night out at a cigar bar. No hints there eh?

That one pap asking Mayer, "Is her body a wonderland?" Fuck sake dude...everyone's seen every inch of it. Why do you even have to ask?

Dustin Hoffman Reveals Angie's Due Date

It's all confirmed now...Angelina Jolie is expecting twins, and is due August 19.

The twins bit got out because Jack Black blurted it during an interview with The Today Show. Then Dustin Hoffman, another of Angie's co-stars in Kung Fu Panda, let slip the date when Angie's two new blobs will emerge into the world.

Jack Black and Dustin Hoffman: Dunderheads, or willing participants in a sly bit of media tomfoolery?

I'm inclined to believe the latter. It's a little too suspicious that both pieces of news just happened to get let out at the same press event in such a seemingly accidental way. I think it was set up this way, first to get publicity for the movie, and second because Brad and Angie just wanted a little joke.

And it makes life easier for Angie too...now she doesn't have to worry about how and when to release the info herself. She can concentrate on setting up the multi-million-dollar deal for the first baby pics.

Ninja Pete Doherty's Night Out With Amy Winehouse

Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse celebrated together after Amy found out the video of her smoking crack would not result in drug charges. Here's this mentality at work: "I'm so happy I won't go to jail for smoking crack that I'm going to go out and smoke some crack!"

Okay, sure...they didn't smoke crack. They had a nice quiet dinner somewhere, ingesting nothing stronger than salad and club soda.

It's Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse...the night hasn't begun until they've smoked some crack. And fallen down in an alley somewhere and been pissed on by several stray dogs and neighborhood bums.

Video: Jack Black Reveals Angelina Jolie's Twinsiness on The Today Show

Don't know if this was how Angelina wanted news of her twins to officially get out...but that's how it happened. She seemed to take it well. Of course the cameras were rolling. Who knows what happened afterward. Her snake-head probably came out of her neck and started hissing and spitting venom.

Gwyneth Paltrow Discusses Her Lovely Vices

Gwyneth Paltrow is in V magazine talking about her stupid life that no one cares about. Among the topics discussed: her dietary habits.

"I haven't eaten meat for about fifteen years. I eat fish, a little bit of dairy – not much milk – but I love cheese. We'll make chocolate chip cookies and eat them, but sugar makes me feel pretty bad. I have coffee and wine. I've got lots of lovely vices!"

Cheese? Chocolate chip cookies? Coffee and wine? Holy shit Gwyneth...you are a crazy woman. What other fucked up stuff do you do? Inhale oxygen? Exhale carbon dioxide?

Why, oh why, do these asshole celebs all think their completely normal activities are matters of such fascination to everyone? "We'll make chocolate chip cookies and eat them." What the fuck else would you do with them? Use them as tiny frisbees? Tape them over your eyes and walk around saying, "I'm the Chocolate-chip-cookie-eyed monster from Venus?"

I know one thing...there are too many magazines. The world really only needs about four of them. After that it's just Gwyneth Paltrow talking about what food she ingests.

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal About to Get Engaged?

Reese Witherspoon apparently didn't learn her lesson after the break-up of her marriage to Ryan Phillippe...because now the Hollywood midget is reportedly set to become engaged to Jake Gyllenhaal.

"They’ve been talking marriage for a while," a source told OK! Magazine. "They’ll be formally engaged any day now. They want to spend the rest of their lives together."

Sure. Just like Reese and Ryan wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.

The marriage thing...it will never make sense to me. You want to fuck, you fuck. Why the hell does it require some big formal committment?

I've never met anyone I wanted to spend even two consecutive days with, much less the rest of my life. Fuck, the thought of having to wake up and see the same face day after day after day...the amazing thing isn't that so many marriages end in divorce, it's that so few end up in murder/suicides.

Celine Dion is the Imelda Marcos of Canada

Reason #14554 to hate Celine Dion: She owns as many as 3000 pairs of shoes.

"My hobbies are shopping and golfing," she said in a recent interview. "I own between two and three thousand pairs of shoes. [But] to be a mother is my most important role."

This is a fascinating window on the mind of Celine Dion. Really. She's talking about herself in an interview, and the first thing that pops into her mind is to brag about her collection of shoes, which is so big she can't even remember exactly how many she has. And then she says, "But it's more important to be a mother."

Really Celine? And do you even remember the name of your son? Are you sure he's even still alive? Maybe he was playing around in your closet and got buried by an avalanche of shoes. Better go check!

Oh, sorry...you're Celine Dion. Better have someone go check for you. You're too busy playing golf in one of your 3000 pairs of shoes.

It's Only a Friends-Kiss, Right God?

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Way more disgusting than when the pink stuff started coming up from my toilet.

Question: When Amy Winehouse becomes aroused, does her beehive grow more erect?

Question: When Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse converse, can anyone else understand what the fuck they're saying?

Question: Will Blake Fielder-Civil dispatch his minions to disappear Pete?

If you took Amy and Pete's combined self-esteem, it would barely equal that of the woman who sat on the toilet for two years.

I hope terrorists don't get their hands on any of Amy and Pete's mixed saliva. That stuff would make napalm look candy-ass.

Colin Farrell is on the Kate Cruise Diet

Colin Farrell has reportedly dropped a ton of weight for a part. Who's he playing, Patrick Swayze?

(I don't care...I just don't.)

Jessica Simpson Gets Wasted Over Mayer-Aniston Romance

Jessica Simpson can't handle it when her exes find new lovers. She flipped when Nick Lachey started fucking Vanessa Minnillo, and now it's been reported that she got plastered after news broke of John Mayer's fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Sources say that, on the same day Mayer admitted he was hosing Aniston, Simpson planted herself on a stool at L.A.'s Mexicali Cocina Cantina - before happy hour started - and spent the next four hours pouring booze down her throat.

Jess was so inebriated at the end of her session that she had to call her mom to come pick her up.

To make matters worse, it's also been reported that Jessica's most recent lover, Tony Romo, told his friends that he had dumped her. Reps for Simpson are denying this...but they're probably only doing it to save her from trying suicide.

So, when someone asks the question, "Who is more pathetic than Jennifer Aniston?" you can answer, "Jessica Simpson. But only by a little."

Miley Cyrus...Got Milk?

Every perv blogger is making bad jokes about Miley's milk moustache. I'm more intrigued by the Miley...Got Milk? fankit you can download on the Body By Milk site. I'm unwrapping it with WinRar right now...

(rustling paper sound effect)

Let's see what's in here...

Wow...apparently I've got a free VIP pass to MileyWorld. To redeem it I have to go to www.mileyworld.com/drinkmilk.

So I'm going there...

(click)

Wow...a video of Miley inviting me to join MileyWorld! Apparently, if I join, Miley will keep me up to date on her adventures with text messages and the like. And I can get into the MileyWorld VIP Chatroom! Jeez...Miley is sure long-winded...

Okay Miley, yes, we get it...MileyWorld is all for me. Wrap it up bitch!

Finally...

All right, I don't care about signing up for their 30-day free trial. The last thing I want is for a bunch of Miley Cyrus shit to be showing up in my email every day of my life. I guess I'll have to miss out on access to the MegaMiley network and Miley's Secret Diary...

Back to the fankit. Hmm, a letter from Miley...

Hey there,

Thanks for signing up for my Official Body by Milk Miley Cyrus Fan Kit! Now you have the all-access pass to tons of cool stuff like my new got milk? ad, IM icon and an exclusive 30-day trial to MileyWorld!

I'm so excited to be a part of the Body by Milk, Milk Moustache campaign. Every hot singer, actor and sports celebrity has an ad - and now I do too!

(Editor's note: Um, except the ones who belong to PETA.)

So, enjoy your fan kit and make sure to check out all the other great stuff that BodyByMilk.com has to offer. You can even sign up for my Girl Power Giveaway Sweepstakes to win some of my favorite things!

(Editor's note: The Spice Girls should sue. And why the hell would I want to win a dirty thong?)

And don't forget to keep drinking your milk. It's super good for you (duh, it has nine essential nutrients like calcium and protein*) and helps me stay lean and healthy while I'm on the road.

See ya soon,

Miley

Um...bite me?

(*=she forgot to mention rBGH)

Nicole Richie Wants Four More Crack Babies

Crackwhore Nicole Richie says it's always been her dream to have five children.

Nicole explains that ever since she was a girl, she's envisioned herself having twin boys and three daughters. That adds up to five, right? Kind of early...still on my first cup of coffee...

Nicole was also asked whether her "friend" Paris Hilton has any baby plans of her own.

“Ha, nooo," replied Nicole. "But I don’t think anyone would have bet on me."

I bet on you Nicole...to wind up wrapping your car around a telephone poll. And you let me down you selfish bitch!

Brooke Hogan is One Angry She-Male

Brooke Hogan is spitting mad over the way her jailbird brother Nick has been represented since he murdered the mind of his friend John Graziano.

Yesterday, Brooke vented her frustration by posting the following on MySpace:

I know most of the public thinks my brother is some rich little selfish kid, but NO ONE knows the real story and I'm really pissed that the truth didn't come out from either side. A LOT of lies were told in that trial. Believe me. And it wasn't from us. John was NEVER home. He was at our house. ALL THE TIME. that should say enough…. Im not going to be out spoken right now, but If some shit doesn't start getting straightened out, A lot of people are going to eat their words for lieing. I know all of the truth and I have back up. I never know how twisted this world could be but I'm starting to figure it out. And I'm gonna have to jump off my high road and tackle some ppl who are taking the low road. I know you guys don't understand, but you will really really soon. Keep praying. And by the way, before you judge anybody, make sure you really know them. I promise you if you were to meet my brother he would give you the shirt off his back. He's not "NICK HOGAN." AND hes not the person he plays on tv. People are so gullible now a days…

Brooke later took that posting down (too late to keep it from getting all over the web) and put up the following in its place:

I have the truth on my side. And the truth will set everyone straight sooner or later. PEACE

ps: yes I took my last one off cause I know itll go around anyway. Have at it ppl.

Here's the truth Brooke dear: Your brother was driving around half-drunk on beer with someone else in his car. He raced another car. He crashed. The passenger is now a vegetable. Little Nicky had been pulled over on other occasions for speeding and reckless driving but always been let off. His bullshit finally caught up with him and he was given 8 months in county. So, what the fuck does "he's not the Nick Hogan you see on TV" have to do with anything? What the fuck difference does it make what anyone says about him? He did what he did, got nailed, and was sentenced after pleading no contest. If he had a case, why didn't he fight? Innocent people don't fold that easy Brooke.

Sorry sweetie, but the question of whether your brother has been misrepresented in the media is irrelevant...he conceded his guilt in court, of his own free well, and accepted the consequences. And by the way...if you and Hulk and Nicky and your dumb-ass mom didn't want to engender this false public perception, then why did you agree to do the reality show? It's called a "reality show." The whole bit is to pretend you really are those people. You can't do it, willingly, and then bitch that people now have misconceptions. Hello asslick...you signed the fucking contract!!!

And why are you worried anyway? Nick will do a couple months, be let out for good behavior, and go back to being his old douchey self. And John Graziano will have someone to feed him his mashed nanas and wipe his shit and it won't have to be you. You've got a whole career as a tranny fake singer to look forward to. And many more ass-rubs from your pervert old man. Life is good for you Brooke. John Graziano is the one who should be bitching...but, oh darn, he has no mind anymore.

Brad and Angie Go Boating (With Pax and Maddox)

The French adventure continues for Brad, Angelina and the Rainbow Brood. Here Pax and Maddox are treated to a boat ride. Maddox looks like he's about to hurl. And Angie's pregnant but she's not wearing a life-jacket! Weeooweeooweeooo! Unborn child endangerment alert! Somebody call unborn child services! Angelina is putting her unborn blob at risk! Weeooweeooweoo!!!!

Trailer for Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Trailer for Woody Allen's new movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I'm sure Woody didn't have any ulterior motives when shooting the Scarlett Johansson/Penelope Cruz lesbo stuff.

How Incredibly Stuck-Up is Maggie Gyllenhaal?

How far is Maggie Gyllenhaal's nose up her own butt? We get an indication from this line from an interview she gave with Interview magazine:

Interview: Do you have a lot of actress friends?

Maggie: I did a photoshoot with Gwyneth Paltrow and Liv Tyler and I was surprised how tall they were and I came away thinking those girls were not bad at all. I don't have many actress friends because I'm friends with academics.

Oh Maggie...you are fantastic. All your friends are academics. Right! Except you don't have any friends because no one can stand you, least of all academics.

That must've been some conversation between Maggie and Gwyneth during that photoshoot. Seriously...I'm surprised the entire universe didn't end up getting sucked down a black hole of snobbery during that particular convergence. If Keira Knightley had been there, it would've been the end of us all.

Maggie also spoke to Interview about her decision to take the role of Rachel Dawes in The Dark Knight.

Interview: Did you have any doubts about saying yes to a part like Rachel Dawes?

Maggie: Sure I did. I had huge milky boobs and was still in kind of a hazy mom state, and who likes girls-in-peril roles?

And then they added another couple hundred grand and gave you a week or they were going to call Kirsten Dunst.

Phony bitch.

(thanks Violet)

Jessica Alba as Charlie Chaplin

Things Crabbie is sick of: photoshoots where dimbulb celebs of the present pose as iconic cultural figures of the past.

Jessica Alba as Charlie Chaplin? Are you kidding me? What the fuck is next? Paris Hilton as Buster Keaton? Kim Kardashian as Harold Lloyd? Britney Spears as Fatty Arbuckle?

Ok...Britney as Arbuckle would be pretty funny. But come on. Alba as Chaplin? What an insult to Chaplin. A God of the cinema portrayed by a two-bit hussy who could get acted off the screen by a turnip. Chaplin wouldn't have let her shine his shoes, much less be in a movie with him. He would've fucked her of course...but no way would he have acted with her.

Rumer Willis, the Eye's Mortal Enemy, Will Now Begin Her Assault on the Ear

It isn't enough for Rumer Willis to punish our eyes with her hideous deformed looks...now the stupid bitch wants to assault our ears too, by launching a music career.

Music industry insiders are reportedly interested in Rumer after hearing a tape of her singing along with Dusty Springfield while prepping for a photoshoot.

"She can definitely hold a good tune — keep in mind her mother, Demi, has a sultry, raspy voice, and father, Bruce, likens himself as being a blues artist," one insider said. "With the right production and material, she could put out something solid and already people are talking."

That's ironclad logic right there: Her mom has a raspy speaking voice and her father is a white guy who plays fake blues, so she must be a great singer.

Now we know how Scarlett Johansson got a record deal.

Do I need to whip out the Feist video again to remind these assholes what real music sounds like? No more dumb-ass celebs with their little vanity projects. If you want to find singers, go to some clubs and sign some. Then get them some decent material, put some money behind promoting them and watch their careers take off.

Honestly, this thing in the music industry of trying to make pop-stars out of established names...it's so fucking gutless. In this de-nutted climate, the Beatles never would've gotten out of those leathery dive bars in Hamburg.

Video: New York News Anchor Sue Simmons Says F-Word on the Air

I think it's time for this crazy old dyke to be put out to pasture. Of course she apologized afterward.



"I sincerely apologize." Lady...you ain't capable of sincerity. Except when you're cursing someone out on the air for playing the wrong video (which is apparently what happened).

Is there a freakier breed of human being on this earth than the local TV anchor? They all think they're these huge celebs because every now and then some asshole recognizes them at the A&P. All being a local anchor means is that you aren't good enough to make network. But these fuckers all think they're Katie Couric.

Kelly Preston Insists She and John Travolta Have a Normal Life

What's the secret to happiness when you're a Hollywood couple? According to Kelly Preston, it's all about keeping things normal.

"We don't really live in LA - we live in Florida," Kelly said. "We've got our kids, do a lot of very normal things... ride golf carts, swim, rollerblade. We try to keep the family together as much as humanly possible."

Yes Kelly...you're normal. Everyone has an extra garage for their airliner, worships an alien and treats their child's autism by locking him in an attic with bags of junk food and an Xbox.

Why don't you just admit it Kelly...you and John stay together because you like Puerto Rican man-whores, and he likes Puerto Rican man-whores, and the two of you just understand each other like that. It's all about having things in common.

Lindsay Lohan Cries in a Bar Over Samantha Ronson

All is not well in the love affair between former actress Lindsay Lohan and DJ Samantha Ronson.

The Crown Bar in West Hollywood was the setting for an apparent huge dust-up between the two carpet-munchers. The fight left Lohan in tears, but luckily Evan Ross and Lauren Conrad were there to comfort her.

Afterward, Lohan, Ross and Conrad enjoyed some cocaine and a three-way, then Conrad called the cops after realizing Lohan had stolen her pants.

Video: Bill O'Reilly Goes Nutso on Inside Edition

Old video of Bill O'Reilly melting down while host of Inside Edition. Something's loaded into the prompter that he doesn't understand...unlike Ron Burgundy, he doesn't just read it. Dude has serious mental issues.

Sex and the City Premieres in London. Lesbo Boobs and Foliage Hats Abound.

Sex and the City had its big premiere in London today. The four hos of course all showed up. The lesbo decided to show everyone her boobs for some reason. And Sarah Jessica Parker...she saw it next to the road and thought, "I have to wear that on my head."

Is that the top of an acorn? Isn't she afraid a passing cow will attempt to munch on that thing? With those butterflies, isn't she afraid Mariah Carey will sue her for copyright infringement? Don't laugh...Mariah could do it. She thinks she invented butterflies.

Dennis Farina Arrested at LAX

Good thing the paps always have LAX staked out...otherwise we would've missed the fascinating pictures of Dennis Farina getting busted over the weekend for trying to bring a gun onto a plane.

Come on, give Dennis a break...he was just worried about terrorists. We're supposed to be diligent, right?

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens at the Basketball Game

This is as close to having sex as they've ever gotten.

Is it just me or are Zac's eyes shrinking?

Vanessa's how old now, about 18? And already washed-up.

Newsflash: Shiloh Can Walk!!!

Angelina took Shiloh and Zahara to Monaco while the boys were having their helicopter ride. Shiloh got a rare treat...Angie set her down and let her walk. Shiloh's shoes don't look very comfortable do they? Zahara's got the Buckwheat action going. They're all dressed in black because, well, it's Angelina.

Megan Fox Topless Photos

Some pictures of Transformers skank Megan Fox prancing around topless while shooting her new movie have hit the web. Click HERE to see the uncensored version!!!

A Gremlins-Themed Wedding for Ashlee and Pete?

Emo faggot Pete Wentz and his sham girlfriend Ashlee Simpson are planning on getting married soon. Pete spoke about the impending nuptials recently, and said he and his dimbulb fiance were considering a very special theme for their very special day.

"I think we're going to have our theme based around Gremlins 2! We could have it take place in a mall and there could be little green naked monsters running about! We could even have Gizmo as a guest!"

You think Pete only said that in jest...but don't kid yourself. He and Ashlee are plenty lame enough to do that for real.

I personally would go with the X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes theme. Everyone would dress up like Ray Milland and pretend they could see through each other's clothing. It would be awesome.

Video: Alec Baldwin Weasels Around Explaining "Thoughtless Little Pig" Voice Mail

Alec Baldwin appeared on 6o Minutes for some reason. Morley Safer (he's still alive!?) grilled him about the infamous voice mail message where he called his daughter a "thoughtless little pig." Alec admitted he was wrong, then tried some kind of weaselly explanation that made no sense. Alec should be waterboarded and then strung up by his nuts, in my oh-so-very humble opinion.

Australian Billionaire James Packer Quits Scientology

James Packer, an Australian billionaire recruited to Scientology by Tom Cruise, has reportedly left the controversial pseudo-religion.

Friends of Packer's quote him as saying he just doesn't "need" Scientology anymore. But speculation is that Packer became leery of being associated with the cult in the wake of recent controversies, especially the ones involving Tom and his wacked-out videos.

It has also been pointed out that Packer's wife Erica is about to give birth, and may have been less-than-enthusiastic about the whole not screaming thing.

Packer first became involved with Scientology in the wake of a divorce and some horrible business failures. "I think it has been very good for me," Packer said at the time. "It has been helpful. I have some friends in Scientology that have been very supportive. But I think it's just helped me have a better outlook on life."

And now his outlook has changed. But, Packer and Cruise are said to still be friends.

Hold on a second...Tom is still allowed to hang out with Packer even after he quit the cult? You mean Packer hasn't been declared an SP? How come?

Oh right...the billions. If he were some common schlub he'd be black-balled, but Scientology doesn't want to take a chance that he could have more personal problems later and come crawling back, bringing his checkbook with him.

Hypocritical phonies.

Brad Pitt's Alien Hieroglyphic Tattoos

Brad Pitt took a couple of the kids for a helicopter ride in France, and while doing so, the breeze from the chopper blades blew up the back of his shirt to reveal these weird-ass tattoos.

I'm not even going to guess at the significance of these. To me they look like alien hieroglyphics. I think there's a stone slab somewhere in Egypt that mysteriously has the same symbols on them. When translated, they tell you the exact moment when the earth will be destroyed by an invasion of extra-dimensional succubi for whom Angelina is an advance scout. Or maybe they're the directions to Brad's favorite bistro. I don't fucking know. Tattoos are so stupid...like most things you think are cool when you're drunk. And they're fucking painful to get rid of too. Especially when you're having the birth of Adam from the Sistine Chapel with Tony Franciosa as God and William Devane as Adam removed from your back (I was young, okay?).

Is Scientology After Miley Cyrus?

As if Miley Cyrus didn't have enough problems with adults trying to control her mind, now it looks like Scientology may want a piece of the Disney-branded starlet as well.

Miley is reportedly set to lend her voice to a new animated film called Bolt, which will also feature the vocal talents of John Travolta. And John Travolta's wife Kelly Preston says there's a chance Miley and John will record a duet as well.

"We know Miley very well,” Preston said, “and she’s a sweetheart."

Poor Miley...she's getting it from every direction isn't she?

I can easily envision a future where John Travolta has jettisoned Preston and chosen Miley as his new bride...just like Tom Cruise plucked Katie Holmes from the ranks of the sweet and innocent, sucked every last hint of individuality out of her and made her his zombie.

Is no cute little starlet safe from the evil closeted-homo Scientology ogres?

Suri Has Learned How to Deal With Tom

Just keep those fingers in your ears till you turn 18 honey...you'll be fine.

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston Get Touchy Touchy By the Pool

The Aniston-Mayer watch continues. Here are John and Jen enjoying themselves at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Miami.

Hmm...apparently Jen is quite smitten with Mr. Mayer. A source said Jen thinks John is "the cutest guy she's ever gone out with - even better-looking than Brad Pitt." Uh-huh...right.

“There is nine years difference between them," the source went on,"though they are thriving on that. John likes her intelligence and experience and Jennifer likes John’s vitality. Jennifer likes his energy, it is very uplifting for her - she is on cloud nine.”

Jen certainly does have a lot of experience...at being dumped. It will come in handy when John gets bored with her, which will happen any minute now.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden - Couple of the Dead

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are over-the-rainbow with happiness. Clearly. Anyone can see that.

Is that a fun Friday afternoon out with the kid or a recreation of The Bataan Death March?

Nick Hogan Gets 8 Months in Jail

Nick Hogan has received a sentence of 8 months in county jail for murdering the brain of his friend John Graziano in a car crash. He also got his license ripped for 3 years, 5 years of probation and 100 hours of community service per year for 5 years.

He will begin serving his sentence immediately. So, the roads of Florida will be safe for at least the next 8 months. Except for all the old farts having strokes in traffic.

Video: Hulk Hogan Testifies On Behalf of His Son Nick

Nick Hogan is having his sentencing hearing today (it was still going on at the time of this posting). Nick has plead no contest, throwing himself on the mercy of the court. Nick's father Hulk testified on his behalf, telling the judge his son has had a lot of growing up to do since the accident that turned John Graziano into a veg. Hulk then admitted that his "reality show" was in fact scripted and fake, and claimed that Nick's spoiled asshole TV persona was all an act.

John Graziano's father also testified. He said that during Nick's visits to John in the hospital, Nick appeared bored, and once even amused himself by skateboarding around the hospital. I guess that was scripted too.

At one point the court made Nick look at video of Graziano shortly after the accident. Nick appeared slightly druggy as he stared at the TV screen. Nick said during the standard "do you understand what is happening" questioning by the judge that he has his GED, and has never been treated for mental illness. I said to DD, "Being a Hogan is a form of mental illness."

No Road Rage for Amy Winehouse

Who says Amy Winehouse can't deal? Here the nutty pop-star gets stuck in traffic...and does she go off? Hell no. She simply gets out of her vehicle, and begins hitting up other motorists for a light. Then when she gets bored she lifts her shirt and suns her belly. She's an example to us all.

Uma Thurman - Body-Bag Chic?

Uma Thurman is an innovator. Check it out. She can get hit by a car and die, and it's totally convenient, cause she's already in her own body bag. Plus the color matches all the blood and spattered brain matter! Live fast, die young and leave a stylish corpse...that's Uma's motto.

Lindsay Lohan Fired From Charles Manson Movie

Lindsay Lohan's comeback has hit a snag. Word is the notorious Hollywood party tramp has been canned from the movie Manson Girls, and her reputation has everything to do with it.

Lohan was set to play Charles Manson acolyte Nancy Pitman in the indie flick, with hopes this would help re-establish her in the biz after a series of high-profile missteps, some of the legal variety. But now, Nikki Finke of Deadline Hollywood Daily reports that Lohan's involvement in the film scared off most of the other name actors producers were trying to attract, leaving them with no choice but to dump Lohan.

"Let this be a lesson," Finke writes. "Behaving badly may get you on the covers of celebrity-obsessed mags and tabloids. But Hollywood won't tolerate your shit and shouldn't."

I wonder if Ugly Betty has any interest in hiring Lohan on a permanent basis? Or maybe Ali could find a spot for Lindsay on her reality show. "Lindsay dear, there's a fly in my soup. Could you suck it out for me? And don't forget about my laundry."

Am I evil for being intensely gratified by this news?

Matt Damon's New Look

Matt Damon's been in Illnois filming a new movie called The Informant. IMDb says he plays a business man with ties to Watergate who becomes the "duplicitous hero" in a government effort to nail a big agri-business outfit for price fixing. Whatever. He looks like a child-toucher to me. The chick he's posing with just got done scrubbing toilets somewhere.

Paris Hilton Lies

Paris Hilton has increased her reputation as a lying sack of shit by claiming she no longer digs partying and just wants to hang at home with her friends.

"When I was younger I loved to go out, but now that I’m in a really great relationship it’s so much more fun to stay at home," Paris said, referring to her fake relationship with homosexual Benji Madden. "We don’t really like to go out. We have game night where friends come over and play Monopoly.

“I love to cook for Benji, I cook great lasagna. I’ve grown up a lot and I’m at peace. He has changed my life in every way.”

Paris...this is taking the charade too far hon. No one believes for a second that Benji has "changed your life." And please stop with the cooking lasagna shit...I know how to work a microwave too; that doesn't make me Gordon fucking Ramsay.

Clearly, Paris has at best a shaky relationship with the truth. And the way she seems to be assimilating various aspects of Nicole Richie's life...way creepy. As long as she doesn't go all the way with it and get pregnant. God. The world is not ready for Paris Hilton the Mom.

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Among Scientologists Exposed to Asbestos Aboard Ship

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are listed among a host of Scientology luminaries who have at one time or another been aboard a church-owned ship that was recently sealed by authorities after it was found to contain high levels of asbestos.

The 40-year-old ship, Freewinds, was in dry-dock in Curacao when repair workers discovered the blue asbestos. Officials immediately decided to cordon off the vessel, which is described as the flag-ship of the Scientology fleet.

Reportedly, the ship's captain initially responded to the discovery of asbestos dust in the ventilation system by trying to keep the news secret, even from the crew.

Blue asbestos is the most dangerous form of asbestos. A single microscopic grain can become lodged in the lungs for years and even cause cancer. Decontaminating the ship will cost millions of dollars and require months of work.

A list has been released of the Scientology celebs who've spent time on Freewinds (pared down here to remove uninteresting names):

Kirstie Alley
Catherine Bell - - actress
Nancy Cartwright - - voice of Bart Simpson
Erika Christensen - - actress
Tom Cruise
Bodhi Elfman - - actor
Jenna Elfman - - actress
Katie Holmes
Danny Keough - - actor, musician. ex of Lisa Marie Presley and father of her children
Juliette Lewis - - actress
Christopher Masterson - - actor
Daniel Masterson - - actor
Corin Nemec - - actor
Lisa M. Presley Keogh - - Elvis' daughter
Laura Prepon - - actress
Beth Riesgraf - - actress, mother of Jason Lee's child Pilot Inspektor
Marissa Ribisi - - actress, wife of Beck Hansen and mother of his children
John Travolta

Lapsed Scientologist Jason Beghe was also reportedly on the ship. All could now be dying of cancer...unless Scientology detox was successful in sweating the asbestos out of their lungs.

The telling point here concerns the actions of the captain, whose first instinct when he found out about the asbestos was to try to hide it. Scientology clearly cares more about protecting its secrets than about protecting the health of its members. Were I a Scientologist with even a jot of sense, I would be disturbed by this.

(Thanks Patricia)

Is Ali Lohan Earth's Most Unfortunate Being?

This is Ali Lohan all glammed up. God, she looks like Ashlee Simpson before the rhinoplasty, boob implants and chin-job. Mother of the Year Dina needs to get Ali some work done stat. And not just a little lip-plumping either...this chick has to be completely overhauled. Just tear everything off and start over.

Watching Ali's life get ruined in front of our eyes is going to be mucho entertaining, no?

Nick Hogan Will Cop a Plea

TMZ is reporting that Nick Hogan will enter an open plea over the charge of reckless driving with serious bodily injury stemming from the 2007 car crash that left his friend John Graziano a vegetable.

The open plea means the judge will have complete leeway in sentencing. Graziano's family will be able to come in and give victim impact testimony at the hearing. Sources say no deal has been made with prosecutors. The most Hogan could get is five years.

Of course there's no way he'll do five years...he most likely won't even do five minutes. Clearly, Florida is not interested in keeping reckless drivers off the streets, or they would've ripped little bastard Nick's license after his second or third time being pulled over for speeding.

This fucker makes me sick...almost as sick as his deranged father and tranny-looking sister.

Video: Fergie Can't Walk

I love the guy..."You're blinding her with the flash[bulbs]." Right. She's not totally wasted and reeking of piss.

Lionel Richie Prepares for the Inevitable Day When He Receives Custody

Lionel Richie holds his sort-of granddaughter Harlow. He might as well get used to the fact that, eventually, he will end up with custody of the kid. There's no way Nicole's getting through the next 18 years without being deemed unfit. And you know that Joel Madden character ain't gonna stick around either. Yeah, he'll change dirty diapers now...it's always cute at the beginning. But then the novelty wears off, and you either find a relative to dump them off on or contrive an accident involving a car and a hot day.

Michael v. Dina - The Battle Rages On

The Battlin' Lohans have gone another round.

This time, Michael got pissed because Dina skipped a court-ordered family therapy session. Somewhat ironically, Dina missed the session because she was off being given some kind of Mother of the Year award.

Michael spoke about his irritation on video.

Dina being lauded for her mothering is laughable...almost as laughable as Michael trying to make us believe he is actually a Christian do-gooder.

These two should be locked in a room with an assortment of weapons.

Mary-Kate Olsen is PETA's Public Enemy #1

This is why PETA hates the Olsen Twins. Holy shit Mary-Kate! Did you skin an entire game preserve?

I think I know what happened to Eight Belles now...Mary-Kate had her sniped so she could skin her for a bathrobe. You are one sick bitch little Olsen girl.

Amy Winehouse is Out of Jail

Amy Winehouse spent 8 hours in the police station after turning herself in for questioning over drug allegations.

Of course, it would not be like Wino to go into hiding after a little thing like an arrest. By 4 am the next morning she was out doing her usual stuff...buying cigarettes and tabloids at the local gas station.

She did skip the smoking pot on the sidewalk routine this time. Probably prudent of her. I was personally hoping the cops would keep her locked up. This chick has gone from amusingly messed-up to just tedious. She's got to be the most unbearable person to be around.

The Great Suri Cruise Bottle Controversy

Suri Cruise is two, which I've been informed is too old for her to still be sucking on a bottle. This is nothing compared to Leah Rimini's kid who is apparently still on the bottle at the age of 4. And of course there's Suri's dad Tom who's 45 and still needs his baba before he can go to sleep.

Scientologists apparently have very different ideas about child-rearing than most of the rest of the civilized world. Especially John Travolta, who believes autism should be treated with Doritos and video games. As far as I'm concerned, the Scientologists are just doing us all a favor. Someday these kids will take over the church, and they'll all be so fucked up that the whole thing will just come crumbling down. Too bad, so sad.

Kelly Osbourne's New Natural Look

Kelly Osbourne has given up looking like a fat Courtney Love in favor of some new Joan of Arc bit. That big hulking chick behind her appears to be feeling her up. That medallion she's wearing...is she some kind of cult member now? Follow the comet Kelly...follow the comet.

Madonna's Latest Lesbo Stunt

Madonna sucked face with one of her background singers at a show. For a second there I thought it was Rihanna. It's sad that Madonna thinks anyone is still titillated by this shit. No one's cared about on-stage lesbian kisses since that little Russian girl pop duo went through.

Sienna Miller Bashes Paparazzo With Handbag

Sienna Miller got crazy-mad at a paparazzo at LAX and bashed him in the face with her handbag. Lucky for Sienna the bag held together...would've been embarrassing for her drugs to go spilling out all over the airport.

Oh Sienna...what would you do if they stopped paying attention? You'd actually have to work for a living.

Nicole Kidman Dumped By Chanel in Favor of Audrey Tautou

40-year-old Nicole Kidman has been dumped as the (fake, Botoxed) face of Chanel in favor of 29-year-old French actress Audrey Tautou.

Apparently Chanel no longer wanted to be associated with a frozen-faced freak who only makes headlines anymore when her bodyguards beat up photographers or we find out she's no longer allowed to see her adopted kids because they've become Scientology drones.

It's all fine with me. But, one thing...Amelie sucked. Hard.

Amy Winehouse Arrested

Amy Winehouse has been arrested for possession of a controlled substance. She reported to the cop shop voluntarily around noon London-time and was taken into custody.

Apparently, it wasn't such a great idea to smoke crack in public. Stupid attention-whore gets what was coming to her. They should lock her up and leave her there...for creating a public nuisance if nothing else.

Lindsay Lohan on Ugly Betty

Photographic proof that Lindsay Lohan actually is going to be on Ugly Betty.

Everyone in Lindsay's camp is spinning this as a great comeback for their girl, but let's be honest here for a second...given where Lohan's career was five years ago, it is a huge disappointment for her to be doing a guest-spot on a TV show at this point.

Lindsay's summer 2008 schedule should've included a starring role in some big blockbuster movie...Speed Racer's girlfriend or something like that. But those parts aren't coming her way, so she has to settle for stuff like this. I think it's embarrassing frankly.

And yes, I know Julia Roberts did Law & Order and Charlize Theron did Arrested Development...but they did those for yuks, not to rehabilitate their careers after a slump. You don't do guest bits on sitcoms as a comeback move unless you're truly fucked.

Jamie Lynn's Baby Shower

OK! Magazine got pics from Jamie Lynn Spears' baby shower (I'll be expecting an email from their lawyers after posting this one). Britney appears to be wearing a tablecloth, plus she's about six-feet tall. Lynne looks like she's going to the Kentucky Derby (to watch horse death). I'd comment on Jamie Lynn's appearance if I were 100% sure that actually is Jamie Lynn in the middle. The chick next to her looks like Tori Spelling and Heidi Montag had the worst parts of their faces fused to create Bride of Fugenstein. And the broad on the far right...I'm pretty sure she rang up my groceries the last time I was in Safeway.

Brad and Angelina Expecting Two Daughters

Star Magazine claims Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expecting twin daughters.

“Brad can’t wait — he absolutely adores little girls,” a source said. “And Angelina just loves seeing him and the other kids so excited and happy.”

Angie loves seeing them excited? How the hell would you know? Bitch never changes expressions. She always has that "my life is so dramatic and important" face stamped on. Like music swells every time she takes a shit.

And I've got to wonder about the all-important balance of the universe. Two girls at once? That's gotta throw everything out of whack right? Three female blobs...not a round number. Angie will need to get pregnant with a fourth bio daughter pretty much immediately. Or maybe they could try the old Bill Cosby trick on one of the new girls...you know, blow really hard into her mouth and get something to sprout.

There's Nothing Wrong With These Miley Cyrus Pictures Either

Miley Cyrus is young and likes to have fun. Which includes licking her female friends on the face and giving her dad big kisses while sitting on his lap wrapped in a towel (and he's holding onto a water bottle in a way that suggests jerking off sorta).

(Editor's Note: The Perez-type writing was on the top picture already. So don't be accusing me of ripping him off, 'kay?)

Katie Holmes Switches Ethnic Groups

When exactly did Katie Holmes become a mulatto?

Dear Amy Winehouse, Please Put Your Beehive Back On. Signed, Humanity.

Now we know what Amy Winehouse's hair looks like without the beehive. Where have I seen that look before?


Keith's in better shape though.

Lindsay Lohan and Joel Madden?

Lindsay Lohan sits on a couch with Nicole Richie's man Joel Madden during a Cinco de Mayo party. Okay...now we know why Nicole is so worried about the baby keeping her home. She thinks Joel is cheating on her. And he probably is.

Memo to TMZ: No One Really Cares About Britney Anymore

Apparently Britney Spears is having another custody hearing today. TMZ still thinks this is big news so they've got the live stream going from outside the courthouse. Someone needs to tell TMZ that covering Britney's every move is so totally 2007 man. Everyone else in the world has moved on. Now we cover Miley Cyrus's every move. Get with the times TMZ.

Could Nicole Richie Kill Her Baby?

Protective services needs to keep an eye on Nicole Richie. Apparently, new mommy Nicole has been depressed lately, and has begun acting like she regrets having a kid.

"Nicole is torn between being a mommy and being a party girl," a source told Star magazine. "She wants to go out and have fun, but when she does, she's like, 'Uh-oh, Harlow needs me.'

"She really misses her carefree life. Before Harlow came along, Nicole never had to worry about anything. All she did was party with her friends and go shopping. Now she's totally overwhelmed by her new responsibility, even though she adores her daughter. Nicole still can't figure out if she's happier when she's home with the baby or hitting the town with her friends!"

She'll figure out which she loves more soon enough. And that's when the "accident" will happen.

"Oh officer, I don't know what happened. I turned around and she just slipped under the water. I'm soooo distraught. Um, hold on a sec...

"Yeah, the cops are here right now. I think they're buying it. I'll totally be there tonight. Yeah, eight, okay. Bye...

"As I was saying...oh my God my life is ruined! My poor little...um...Harry? No...Harmony? Damn it, what the fuck was that thing called?"

(Those who think the Crabster went too far this time...just wait until it happens.)

Lindsay Lohan's New Song. God-Awful Doesn't Begin to Cover It.

I thought Scarlett Johansson's new album was about as bad as it got...until I heard this track from Lindsay Lohan's forthcoming effort. The song is called "Bossy." Because it's about a cow? No, it's only "sung" by a cow. A talentless coke-snorting lesbian smelly-twatted cow.

Renee Zellweger is a Strange Person

Renee Zellweger has come up with a novel way of dealing with the paps...act really weird and freak them out.

I'm gonna try that the next time some Jehovahs come to my door. Dousing them with boiling semen doesn't seem to deter them much. In fact, it seems to just make them come back more often.

Prince Harry Served in Afghanistan. What Does He Want, a Medal? Oh...

Confession: I only posted this because I thought up the dopey headline.

It's fine if Harry got a medal. He shot at people in the desert...that's the sort of thing that normally gets you a medal.

You also get a medal if you're the world's #1 Scientologist.


See? And Tom didn't even have to kill any innocent civilians to get it. Scientologists help people, not hurt them.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds Are Engaged

Fresh off the release of her hideous album, Scarlett Johansson has reportedly become engaged to boyfriend Ryan Reynolds.

"They're both thrilled," Johansson's rep Marcel Pariseau said.

Well I'm glad someone is.

And that really is a hideous album. Seriously. If someone ever figured out a way to record the sound of hell, it would be just like those songs. Perhaps slightly less painful.

Mischa Barton's Thighs

Poor Mischa Barton had the light hit her thighs and ass at precisely the wrong angle when she was sunbathing at her hotel in Australia. Her legs look like the neck-skin on a 150-year-old tortoise.

Look at the bright side Mischa...at least they didn't catch you toking up or crying hysterically.

Miley Cyrus Wants to Be a Good Role Model...for Teenage Skanks

Miley Cyrus insists that, despite her recent brushes with naughtiness, she still tries to stay away from the bad stuff, and aspires to be a good role model to her millions of impressionable young future hooker fans.

“I definitely try to steer away from [bad things] as much as I can, but it’s all around me. I think it’s more of a personal battle really.

“You have to know what you feel and what’s in your heart.

“But I’m more of a positive person. I’ve always wanted to be a positive role model and that’s what I want to continue to be.”

Yes Miley...continue being a good role model. So that the world will have even more little teenage sluts putting their pictures up on MySpace for pedos everywhere to enjoy.

Milo and Hayden Are Hollywood's New Power Couple (In Their Pitiful Little Dreams)

Hayden Panettiere said her idol was Angelina Jolie, but looking at her here, I'd say she was styling herself more after Jessica Alba.

Yes, it's hard being a socially-conscious starlet. Especially when no one listens to you...and your boyfriend thinks he can start the car just by staring at the ignition.

These two need to break up, then disappear from my life forever.

Brad and Angie in France

Brad and Angie have hauled the kiddies to France again. Here we see them enjoying a wonderful rocky French beach over the weekend. They've decided to let Pax's hair grow so that he looks like one of those skateboard punks you're always afraid is going to try to mug you as you're going in from your car to pay for gas. Sometimes they ask me to buy them cigarettes. "Sure kid, I'll buy you a pack of cigs...if you blow me." No...they're minors and I would never actually say that. I think it though.

Brad and Angie are cool, so they hang out with The Edge from U2. Okay...U2 hasn't been cool since 1990. That's okay though. Brad hasn't been cool since about '95, and Angie...was she ever cool? Maybe for a week there. Now they're all just lame people dragging their kids over rocks. "Oh, isn't this fun kids? Look at all the geology."

Brad's really hauling on her arm in that second pic. I'd be afraid of snapping it in two.

Patrick Swayze Death Watch Continues

Patrick Swayze was snapped doing some shopping near his ranch on the outskirts of Los Angeles.

Patrick, who is suffering from terminal cancer, has reportedly already transferred his property to his wife Lisa Niemi. A source said:

"Patrick told Lisa, 'I will always love you, and can't imagine how my life would have been without you'. It was very touching, and it's part of his final farewell to his wife as the end draws closer."

Swayze has reportedly had part of his stomach removed in an effort to stop the spread of his cancer, which began in his pancreas.

Miley Cyrus Goof Video

Fairly amusing goof on the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair shoot. Suggets that Billy Ray has an unhealthy fixation on young Miley and that Disney is in favor of slutting up her image. Don't know what to say about the big Annie Leibovitz nose. Somewhat touchy there. I guess if you can make fun of redneck incest you can do a Jewish big nose joke.

Tom Cruise Talks to Oprah

Oprah sits down with Tom Cruise.

They discuss the infamous sofa-jump. Tom says it was "a moment." He says he wouldn't do it again. Actually, yes you would Tom...you can't help yourself. You have to overdo everything.

By the way, Tom's make-up...did a mortician do it for him?

Something else...doesn't Tom seem like he's trying awfully hard to speak softly? His publicity people worked the whole thing out with him. "Be soft-spoken. Normal. Understated." But even his understatement is overstated.

Then Oprah starts getting all Oprah..."You've been in love before Tom." Yes, he has...with many people. Most of them had penises. Katie may have one too by now. Never know with those wacky Scientologists.

Tom says he can't articulate how he feels about Katie. Of course you can't Tom...cause if you truly articulated how you felt, you'd have to admit that you don't give a shit about her except as far as she supposedly helps your image.

Actually, I take that back...Tom does love Katie. Much more than he loved any of the other girls he tried out for the part.

Tom next whips out a big word, "confluence." He says it twice to make sure we heard it.

Then Oprah starts in on the juicy stuff. Brooke Shields. Tom says they're even closer friends now that he's apologized for calling her an irresponsible prescription medication junkie. Bullshit. She hates you.

Tom then addresses his Matt Lauer interview. He says he felt "pressed" by Lauer. Jesus Tom...you're Tom Cruise, and you can't handle a little heat from a lightweight like Matt Lauer without cracking? Better not do any interviews with Gulianna from E! or Mary Hart...you'd completely crumble.

Tom then concedes that the parents have to choose if they drug their kids. Thank you Tom for allowing the parents of America's youth to have a say in the raising of their own children. Big of you.

He continues insisting that all his comments about Brooke and drugs and shrinks "came out wrong." What does that mean Tom? Does it mean you don't think psychiatry is an evil conspiracy? Cause that would put you at odds with Scientology doctrine, would it not?

Tom goes completely off-the-rails then by saying he isn't trying to tell anyone else how they should live their life. Bullshit. Scientology is all about telling people how to live their life. Scientology explicitly says, "We know better than you." Sure, Scientology lacks the power to make everyone bend to its will...but what if it did have the power? Would Scientology and its believers simply back off and say, "We could make everyone think as we do, but we won't because it would be wrong." I have a hard time believing that.

Tom is being diplomatic because he has no choice. Quite a different tone than the one he adopted while preaching to the choir in the infamous Scientology videos. That's his defense of course...I was talking to other Scientologists so I spoke differently. But how you speak to other Scientologists is the important thing Tom. That internal conversation...that reveals the truth of what you all think. And you are not open-minded and democratic in those videos. You are a raging fanatic who thinks he has all the answers, not just for himself but everyone else.



Tom says he's not a preacher of Scientology. He says the best way for people to learn about Scientology is to read about it themselves. Okay Tom...only one problem. There's lots of stuff you're not allowed to know until you've forked over the big cash to become an Operating Thetan or a 9th Class Wizard or whatever the fuck. This is how Scientology is different from other religions. If I want to know the story of Genesis, I go get myself a Bible and read it. If I want to know the full story about Xenu and the origins of Scientology, technically, I'm not supposed to be able to know until I've achieved a privileged position. Imagine going into a church and saying, "I want to know how God created the world," and having the minister tell you, "No problem, just fork over $100,000 and I'll give you the story." That's not a religion...it's a form of extortion.

Tom then says he believes in God. Wait a second...what the fuck? So God created Xenu too? I'm lost. I thought there was only one truth.

Oh, Tom's fudging. He's like a politician who says he goes to church because he wants the asshole redneck Jesus-freak vote.

Oprah then asks about the crazy-Tom tapes. They were taken out of context of course. The tension is starting to get thick, so Oprah says she has to pee. This is why Oprah is a genius.

(Commercials. I did not make these clips. I would've cut the commercials out but I'm lazy. Deal with it.)

Back. Tom and Oprah discuss the tabloids, the paps, the blogs. Tom doesn't like them. He bought the sonogram machine so he could sneak the doctors in. Katie was worried her sonograms would wind up on the internet. Well duh...



Tom talks about the rumors that Suri isn't his kid. He becomes soft-spokenly indignant. He says he and Katie decided to present Suri to the world in Vanity Fair to quell the stories about Suri being deformed. Sure. You were never going to do it otherwise. The kid was never part of your image rehab. Whatever, Tom...

(More ads. Sorry again.)

Back. Oprah asks Tom how "Kate" is handling everything. Tom has brainwashed Oprah into calling her Kate. Oprah may now be a Scientologist.

Ooh...good move Tom, saying you's rather have "Kate" talk for herself. Cause you don't control her. Nice point of emphasis. It's all about making people believe you're not running her life. Cause that would not be normal and wholesome.

Tom goes off the rails here talking about Katie's family and their integrity and strength and how he loves them. Please Tom, you're making me gag. You all hate each other. We know it. Stop lying.

Speaking of lies...Tom says his relationship with Nicole Kidman is good. Ha! Tom denies that Nicole has been pushed out of their children's lives. Tom gives one of his "that's so ridiculous" laughs. So it's true then.

"Eventuated." Another big word. He only said it once though.

Oprah gets into some more Oprah questions. "Do you have any friends Tom?" Of course Tom has friends...he's rich and famous. Those people always have lots of friends.

Tom says he values "loyalty" above all other qualities. Really? So he basically views people as dogs. Nothing matters more to him than mindless loyalty. Interesting...

(Commercials. Oh, Oprah's gonna talk about Suri!)



Let me guess...she's the light of your life right Tom?

Magic. Of course she is. Struggling with that baby-genius stuff though. Not as smart as you thought she would be, eh Tom? Actually, she's quite retarded.

Everybody's always hanging out in Tom's life. That's what regular people do. They hang. Drink beer. Watch football. Have cook-outs. Take day-trips to Jupiter...

Katie and the cupcakes. Is that supposed to impress us? "Katie can make cupcakes." Great. I can take a big crap and fashion it into a replica of Mount Fuji.

Of course there's some promotion of Katie's budding design career. She made a Santa costume for Tom. She cut the mask out from the back of a box of Post Toasties.

Wait a second...Santa? Scientologists do Christmas? What the hell is that?

Yes, she's magic. Fuck!

Today's a new day...you're so philosophical Tom. Whip out another big word. Ass!

Oprah looks bored. I am too.