According to FOX News, Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass engaged in a series of famous debates. Unfortunately, it was Stephen Douglas, not Frederick.
No joke...Rumer Willis has been named one of People's 100 Most Beautiful People in the World.
Oh sure, name that fugboat Rumer Willis one of the 100 most beautiful people...but screw Tree Man, No Nose Kidnapper and Brooke Hogan? Fuck you People.
1. Photoshoot attended by Miley's parents, Disney brass, Joe Simpson, Hulk Hogan and various funny-smelling, unshaven men in crusty flannel shirts with shaky hands who just started showing up (most of them were Mormons).
2. Wig woven out of the body hair of people who've died of heart attacks on Disneyland rides.
3. Make-up covers lobotomy scar.
4. Glass eye (real eye lost in unfortunate teen-girl-silliness-related accident).
5. Photoshop hides full-back dragon tattoo.
6. Annie Leibovitz originally requested the Shroud of Turin but had to settle for a semen-stained sheet borrowed from Zac Efron.
7. Nose on loan from Ashley Tisdale's collection of former body parts.
8. So close, pedo freaks.
9. All that stands between Miley and Vanessa Hudgensdom.
10. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this picture. You go Miley!
Noted author Erica Jong has weighed in on the Miley Cyrus controversy:
As a natural nudist, who comes from a family of natural nudists, the Miley Cyrus flap astounds me. Nothing is flapping on Miley. She's draped in a sheet. Besides, when is a nude body a lewd body? Anyway, the kid's not even half naked. What is this nonsense?Well, it's an occasion for another apology. We need an apolo-blog section on HuffPuff. Then there will be one central clearing house for apologies. We can all apologize for things we didn't do, things we didn't say and things we never even thought.
I will issue a general apology and hope to have it all covered for the rest of my life. I will apologize for the Democratic Party, for the IRS, for Bill Clinton's sex addiction and Barack Obama's pastor. I will apologize for the idiocy of network TV, for Eliot Spitzer's penchant for prostitutes and for Chris Matthews' tirades. I will apologize for chemical warfare in World War I and for the Nazis' anti-Semitism in the 1940s and all the children it wiped off the face of the earth. I can certainly apologize for things that happened before I was born, can't I?
While I'm at it, I will apologize for all my books, for the time I posed for People mag zipping up my jeans, for my various divorces -- and those of all my friends. As long as you apologize, you can do anything in our nation. You can test hormones on women, intern the Japanese Americans, exterminate the indigenous peoples, then give their few remaining descendants gambling casinos. You can lynch Black people, keep Jews out of certain clubs and neighborhoods and jobs and starve the working poor. You can put arsenic in kids' drinking water. Just remember to apologize.
You get the idea. If Miley had any spunk, she certainly would take her clothes off and stay naked 'till we got out of Iraq. That would be better for her fans that all these hypocritical apologies. Stop feeling embarrassed for your non-nakedness kiddo. Start feeling embarrassed for your country!
I apologize for all the carpets I've ruined. I don't need to bring up any specific incidents...the people involved know what I'm talking about.
Oprah Winfrey went up to Telluride to interview Tom Cruise. She looks really comfortable in that picture, doesn't she? You think they photoshopped it enough?
Oprah's big two-part interview with Tom reportedly includes questions about Scientology, the infamous Matt Lauer confrontation and the couch incident. Katie and Suri were also reportedly present...so we may get to see some video of Suri finally. Won't that be awesome?
This is Jim Carrey shooting his new movie I Love You Phillip Morris. Obviously he's playing a homo. Really Crabbie? That's a homo get-up?
Nice belt-buckle. I used to have the same thing on my bathroom sink until they threw me out of the mansion I was squatting in.
Oh, fuck Jim Carrey. He hasn't been funny since...birth?
Tom Cruise apparently can't stand the fact that wife Katie Holmes is in shape to run a marathon and he isn't...so, now Tom is reportedly in training, and will take a stab at running the Boston Marathon himself.
"When he saw her running that race," a source said, "something kicked inside him and he decided he’d have to do it — possibly in Boston. That’s the kind of guy he is."
Tom has reportedly vowed to "crush" Katie's time of 5 hours and 29 minutes.
I'm telling you...Tom won't be able to live with himself until he proves to Katie that he can run the marathon too, and of course beat her time. She probably doesn't even care, but he's all like, "I can run a marathon you know. I can totally run a marathon. I can run two marathons in the same day. I bet you can't run two marathons in the same day. That's what being a Scientologist is all about...running two marathons in one day."
This guy's like your little brother who has to do everything you do until you just want to kick him in the face over and over. But trust me...don't kick him in the face. That's how you wind up getting hauled in for an evaluation.
Britney Spears walked around the gym with nothing on but a towel...and Annie Leibovitz wasn't even there to shoot it!
You can tell by the top pic that Britney is really impressed with how daring she's being.
Man...isn't she supposed to be getting in shape? Look at those fat calves. Maybe that's all muscle she's putting on. Britney does not have it back together.
Memo to Sean Penn: Stop going to music festivals dressed as a middle-aged dickweed who is trying to look young. Oh God those jeans and that belt. You look like my seventy-year-old uncle who does nothing but play cribbage and watch Lawrence Welk. Of course Sienna Miller is still totally hot for Sean because he's an artist who cares so much about the state of the world and stuff. By the way, Rhys Ifans was not with Sienna at the Coachella Festival where this pic was taken. Jared Leto was there though...
Which couple would make me vomit more - Sienna and Penn or Sienna and Leto.
Sienna and Leto. Not even close.
David Hasselhoff + Young Women + Booze = Lots of fun followed by loads of vomiting and passing out, a profusely-bleeding eye-wound and a trip to rehab.
Oh, and there's a cheeseburger in there someplace and his daughter is videotaping the whole thing.
Forget about Miley Cyrus...here's something that oughta make you sick: Hulk Hogan rubbing down his own daughter Brooke's ass. You know he's got massive wood going there too. Jesus Christ! Why not just jump on top of her right there Hulk? Get started on your own race of inbred mutant steroid freaks. You can all move out to Utah and start a "camp."
Style goddess Mischa Barton has decided that the '80s are cool. I'm so glad about this, because now I can take all my big-shouldered David Byrne outfits out of mothballs and wear them again.
Robert De Niro was at the Tribeca Film Festival minding his own business when this fat stupid cow came up and started rubbing against him. The polite Mr. De Niro suffered the cow's presence as best he could.
Patterns of controversy are so wonderfully predictable aren't they?
The new unpleasantness over the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair picture is a perfect example. It goes like this:
Someone does something vaguely objectionable to certain people - Media outlets anticipate ratings/sales/website hits that could come from fomenting controversy over said semi-bothersome act - Pot is stirred - People with political gripes latch onto budding kerfuffle for their own evil purposes - Media pretend they didn't start the whole thing on purpose, disguise perpetuation of controversy as "analysis" - Individual at center of shitstorm is forced to apologize even though they didn't really do anything wrong - Bill O'Reilly hides hard-on behind self-righteous rant - Blogs mock individual at center of shitstorm, media, Bill O'Reilly, everyone else remotely involved in scenario - Lots of people make lots of money.
This one is particularly silly because, frankly, there's nothing wrong with that picture of Miley Cyrus. It's only "sexual" if you're the kind of sick fuck who goes around viewing any display of skin as inherently "sexual."
And the idea that pedos need to be kept at bay by having Miley put a shirt on is silly...cause real pedos are going to be aroused even if Miley does have a shirt on.
Stuff like this is why the French laugh at us.
And yes, I realize Vanity Fair only ran that photo because they knew it would be controversial and help their sales. They've exploited Miley too. Everyone has exploited Miley, including me for posting this.
Still, at the root of the whole thing is an incredibly absurd, backward, childish sensibility. If people didn't get all outraged over completely innocent things like a picture of a teenager wrapped in a sheet - and furthermore, if certain media outlets didn't take advantage of said outrage by anticipating/stoking it - then there'd be no situation for Vanity Fair or me or anyone else to exploit.
It's stupid that Miley felt she had to apologize. And it's stupid that I felt I had to write this. And America is full of big, dumb, stupid lumbering dipshits who see lasciviousness and sexuality in places where there isn't any.
These people are all John Ashcrofts hiding statues behind curtains because of the naughty naughty boobies. Grow the fuck up.
Noted celebupawn Rumer Willis says she has no desire to live off her famous parents, and is determined to make it in show biz on her own.
"I think when people meet me they’re shocked, because the idea of celebrity children is that they’re trust-fund babies that don’t have any desire to work and they’re just going to ride their parents’ train," Rumer said.
“And in some cases that stereotype has proved right. I would hope that after people meet me, they would give me the benefit of the doubt. They’re kind of like, ‘Wow, you’re really much more chill and down-to-earth than I thought you would be’.”
People are shocked when they meet Rumer...the same way people were always shocked when they first met the Elephant Man.
Amy Winehouse's new boyfriend Alex Haines is apparently not the clean-cut dorky fellow he appears to be from the pictures.
In fact, friends of Haines have outed him as a party-animal whose sole ambition in life is to become rich and famous.
"I'm shocked he's ended up with Amy but more surprised by talk of him being a good influence," a source told The Mirror.
"He's into clubbing and everything that goes with it. He knows how to have a good time, put it that way.
"The other thing that motivates him is money. He always said he would do anything to get rich and he would love to be famous too."
And how does one go about becoming rich and famous if one has no looks or talent or anything else? Latch yourself onto some pitiful emotionally crippled pop star, of course.
The cops let Amy Winehouse cool her heels in the slammer for a few hours then let her go. Amy reportedly admitted to headbutting that Muslim guy, apologized and accepted a warning.
I'm sure this will all convince Amy to live her life on the straight-and-narrow from now on. No more drinking and drugging and forgetting her keys, and attacking people randomly in the street, and projectile vomiting and emotional outbursts and other general craziness.
Sure. And maybe now Keira Knightley will stop being an insufferable twat. I can dream.
Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are a couple. They were observed having a late lunch together in Miami, then dinner. People saw them holding hands as they returned to their hotel at 1 am.
Unfortunately for darling Jen, I don't think this will end happily. Mayer is not in it for long-term deals...he just wants to fuck as many famous women as possible before he dies. Maybe that's all Jen's in it for either, a few yuks. She may have resigned herself to the reality that men are dogs and she will never find one that truly loves her. They will all dump her in the end because they can't stand her clinging.
Angelina clad her pregnant self in yellow yesterday. She ran into a bunch of paps while out on her world-saving business and was apparently not happy to see them. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want one of her gross, bony hands coming at me. Scary shit, man.
Scotland Yard will reportedly bring Amy Winehouse in for questioning sometime Friday afternoon London-time over an incident the other morning when she allegedly headbutted a man outside a bar.
The man, Mustapha el Mounmi, was apparently trying to help an inebriated Amy get a cab. Amy mistook Mr. Mounmi's helpfulness for inappropriate amorous attention and physically assaulted him.
"I feel so angry," Mounmi said. "She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back — she’s a woman."
Well...kind of.
Update: Amy has had her meeting. It's safe to say she wasn't happy about it.
Another attractive Wino pic to add to the collection.
Update: Replaced the cruddy Red Lasso vids with a couple of hopefully more reliable YouTube vids.
Actor Wesley Snipes has been given three years in the pokey for not paying his taxes.
The government convicted Snipes on three misdemeanor counts of tax evasion back in March. The Blade star stiffed Uncle Sam to the tune of $2.7 million...though he and his lawyers claimed he only owed $228,000.
Snipes Hollywood buddies, including Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson, submitted letters asking the judge for leniency. Snipes ended up being given the maximum sentence on the three convictions...so much for Hollywood clout.
David Hasselhoff has been released from the hospital. He was hauled in a couple days ago by his assistant after a wound over his eye began bleeding uncontrollably. It's only a matter of time before this guy is discovered face down in vomit or blood or some other really nasty bodily fluid.
Brad Pitt and Sean Penn are working together on reclusive auteur Terrence Malick's new film Tree of Life...but there's no budding friendship between the two actors.
Tensions are said to be high between the stars, at least partly because of Penn's friendship with Brad's ex-wife Jennifer Aniston (Jennifer directed a short film starring Sean's wife Robin Wright). And there's also the little matter of Penn's abrasive demeanor.
"They’re far from friends," a source told Life & Style. "Sean is a bossy kind of guy, and that’s just not Brad’s style. He’s mellower. So spending time together has been a big challenge."
Could it also be possible that Brad just resents Penn? I mean, let's face it...Sean Penn may be a dickhead, but he is a brilliant actor. Brad? Adequate at best.
Also, let's not underestimate the Angelina factor here. Any man who lives with that evil bitch is going to wind up in a pretty foul mood. It's possible that Brad is incapable of getting along with anyone at this point.
Denise Richards has begun her quest to paddle from California to Hawaii on a surfboard. Unfortunately, Denise has no sense of direction, and has just been going around in a circle about fifteen yards off the beach in Malibu.
In other news...Charlie Sheen once had sex with a shark.
Talking penis-face Bill O'Reilly is concerned that Miley Cyrus is setting a bad example by allowing herself to be seen cuddling with her older boyfriend on the Internet.
That story about Amy Winehouse headbutting a guy outside a pub was apparently not just tabloid crap...it really happened, and police are taking it seriously.
The London cops have confirmed that they are investigating the matter as a possible assault. "A 38-year-old man [contacted] Kentish Town police station and alleged a 24-year-old woman had assaulted him," a spokesperson said. "No arrests have been made as yet but inquiries continue."
The Sun claims that Winehouse actually attacked two men that night, trashed a bar and smoked weed on the sidewalk. Apparently, Amy has decided to take up Pete Doherty's normal workload on top of her own.
I have no idea what circumstances led to Peter Falk winding up in the street in this state. Clearly, his care provider was asleep at the switch. At least he managed to get his belt buckled, or there could've been even more embarrassment.
Jennifer Aniston's movie career is going about as well as her love-life.
The chick who can't land a man is reportedly having her new movie He's Just Not That Into You (perfect title for an Aniston film) pushed back from its original August 1 release date to October 24. And the reason is priceless...it's because the studio is worried the buzz over Sex and the City: The Movie will bury Aniston's little attempted foray into similar cinematic territory.
Basically, Aniston is getting her ass booted to October by Sarah Jessica Parker and the rest of those potty-mouthed cows. And you know what kind of movies get released in October...shit the studio is trying to quietly dump.
Jennifer, take some advice from the Crabster...just quit. No one wants to see your movies. No one wants to see you period. You're about as interesting as day-old bread. And slightly less fuckable.
Brad Pitt has officially reached that painful middle-aged clinging-desperately-to-my-youth phase. The leather jacket. The bike. The shiny, shiny bowling ball helmet. Everything about this screams "On the prowl for college girls."
Rapper and TV actor Orlando Brown has been missing since Tuesday morning according to a report on People.com.
Brown, who stars on the Disney show That's So Raven, reportedly left his manager's house for a 7/11 early Tuesday and has not been heard from since.
It's possible he ate a burrito there at 7/11 and is still in the bathroom puking. Did anyone check?
Brown was arrested last November for drug possession after police pulled him over in Houston for driving with his lights off and found some pot in the car. Brown claimed the car and pot weren't his. He must've gone to the Paris Hilton School of Idiot Driving...wasn't that how she got nailed, driving around with her lights off?
Anyway, if any of y'all should see Orlando Brown, call somebody and tell them, okay? They're worried.
(P.S. - Check Sean Combs' trunk too. You never know...)
Paris Hilton is no longer allowed to stay at the Hyatt in Moscow after writing on the wall of her $19,000-a-night suite.
Paris was doing a photoshoot in the room when she whipped out a marker and scrawled "Paris Moscow 2008" on the wallpaper. This resulted in the dumb whore being fined $9000 and told never to return.
"Miss Hilton ruined the wallpaper in the luxury suite," said a spokesperson. "In such a case the client automatically goes on the black list."
A $9000 fine and a blacklisting? You'd think the Russians would be harsher than that. Once upon a time, what Paris did would've been enough to get you Gulag.
I'm disappointed.
Police in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo have cracked down on sorcerers after a wave of alleged penis snatchings.
The victims, some of whom have also been hauled in by police, claimed the witch-doctors shrank or outright stole their penises merely by touching them. Girlfriends of the alleged victims merely rolled their eyes.
Rumors of the penis-snatchings set off a firestorm on Congo talk radio, a boon to famed Congo right-wing radio icon Rush Limbabwe, who warned his paranoid listeners not to sit on subways next to men wearing gold rings or Barack Obama buttons.
The panic became so frenzied that citizens began seeking out sorcerers and trying to lynch them. "You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you," explained Kinshasa police chief Jean-Dieudonne Oleko. "We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten."
The police crackdown came over concerns of a massacre like the one that happened in Ghana 10 years ago, when 12 alleged penis-snatchers were beaten to death.
Amazingly, some in Kinshasa are skeptical as to the legitimacy of the victims' shrunken-penis claims.
"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," police chief Oleko said. "But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'"
Dr. Phil has reportedly already boarded a plane.
Nicole Kidman gives everyone a look at her bump while making some kind of appearance at the UN. Okay Nicole, you're knocked up. Your womb isn't as desolate as we all thought. Can I go back to my breakfast ice cream now?
More Amy Winehouse nuttiness...the easily-riled singer reportedly staggered out of a pub at 4 am the other day and got into an altercation with a man in the street. Amy dealt with said ruffian the only way she knows how - by punching and headbutting him.
Amy's pals, seeing the potential for a lawsuit against her, dragged her back inside.
Later, Amy went to a shop to get some cigarettes, and as she was leaving, walked smack into a lamppost.
Convinced now that it just wasn't her morning, Amy decided to return home. She rode a cab, but stiffed the driver for $40, saying the ride "wasn't worth it." She then realized she didn't have the keys to get in her house, and had to break into her own garage.
...It provides too convenient a path for people like walking turd-bucket Foxy Brown, who are seeking forgiveness in the name of their careers.
People like Foxy shouldn't have somewhere they can go and get down on their knees and pretend to be repentant. It's too easy. And the sad thing is that there are people who will applaud her for "trying to get her life in order." It's all a sham. She'll be back in jail in six months. If I were a hairdresser I'd be taking out extra insurance.
This is why I never stop to pet random dogs. You never know when one of them is going to mistake you for a tree stump and try to mark you.
I'm sure Natalie wasn't all that bothered by this anyway. She's used to getting pissed on. It's usually in the face though.
Ewan McGregor has revealed that he recently had suspicious moles removed from his face by a doctor.
"You have to be careful if you're pale-skinned and spend any time in the sun," McGregor explained. "I went to see a specialist who thought they were better to be removed, and indeed he was correct."
Anderson Cooper also had a suspicious spot removed, and famously wore a bandage on his face on the air. And then of course there's David Hasselhoff who had something funny removed from above his eye, and had to go to the hospital when the wound began spurting blood.
I'm totally jealous of these famous men. I now want something removed from my face. I'm going to stick my head under an ultraviolet lamp for hours at a time just so I can develop cancerous moles and have them taken off.
Cindy Crawford's children have been signed to appear in a remake of Village of the Damned. Okay, I made that up...I think.
Lindsay Lohan is so delusional, she actually thinks other young skanklets want to steal Samantha Ronson away from her.
The other night when Lindsay was partying with Ronson at the Beatrice Inn in New York, Ashley Olsen had occasion to come up to Ronson to say hi. A jealous Lohan immediately got up in Olsen's face and shrieked, "Get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend."
This outburst confirms three things: One, Lindsay and Ronson are indeed munching each other. Two, Lindsay hates Ashley Olsen with a passion. Three, Lindsay is really funny when she's loaded on Grey Goose and Red Bull.
Chelsea Clinton is apparently very popular among lesbians.
During a recent tour of Philadelphia gay establishments on behalf of her mother's campaign, Chelsea found herself getting mobbed by dykes, who wanted to shake her hand and also get a handful of other parts of her anatomy.
"I grabbed her ass," one crazy lesbo exclaimed after posing for a picture with the young Ms. Clinton.
“Chelsea, the gays love you!” someone else yelled as Chelsea prepared to speak at one of her stops.
Eh...speak for yourself.
Jon Stewart gives his little daughter Maggie a monkey-kiss. This was taken at a playground. Dear God...tell me Jon Stewart isn't going to become the short, hairy, Jewish Jennifer Garner. Gaaaaaaaaa!
Singing star David Hasselhoff checked himself into UCLA medical center this weekend when he began bleeding profusely from a wound over his eye.
The wound was not incurred in some kind of freak cheeseburger-slip related accident. It was apparently left there after the Hoff had something removed from his face. The bleeding was bad enough to alarm his assistant, who carted him to the hospital. Hasselhoff will reportedly stay there at least until tomorrow.
So what's more disgusting: Your prior image of Hasselhoff shitfaced on a floor scarfing junk food or your new image of him with a blood-spurting wound over his eye?
Pitiful Jennifer Aniston hangs out with herself at the beach. I guess Jennifer is supposed to be consoled by the fact that she has a smokin' body. That smokin' body isn't enough to get her a man though, is it? Even Owen Wilson, with whom she was rumored to be flirting on the set of their new movie, has gone back to humping Kate Hudson. Jennifer could try to get back with Vince Vaughn I suppose...only problem is, Vince Vaughn now looks like Tom Arnold before the stomach-stapling.
Look at the guy back there...Aniston literally put him to sleep. Or maybe bored him to death.
Now she's trying to get some marine life to jump from the water and go to town on her. Hey Mr. Flounder...want a piece of this? Even bottom-feeding fish don't want any of what she's selling.
Everything about Miley Cyrus is boring...and that includes her picture scandals.
Miley showing a little green bra and sprawling on a bed with some Eddie Cochrane wannabe is not interesting. Besides which, the whole thing is so calculated and phony. Of course the Disney people want Miley to become faintly scandalous, the same way they wanted Vanessa Hudgens to. It's good for the bottom-line.
It wouldn't surprise me at all to find out Miley's Disney bosses were encouraging her to do this stuff. They probably provided the guy, and the bra, and the camera, and the MySpace account. All Miley has to do is sit there not showing too much snaggletooth, and give all her pedo fans something to jack-off about.
Victoria Beckham threw herself a birthday party over the weekend and invited every famous person she knows. A lot of them showed up...to fawn over David. They couldn't care less about her of course.
Posh's boobs will be celebrating their 6th birthday here soon as well I think.
Yes, Tom and Katie were there. Somebody tell Nicole Richie that Katie is stealing her look. Tom's mom did his hair for him again I see.
Katie made that dress herself...out of a shower curtain. She's very industrious. It's either that or succumb to the despair.
Will Smith came straight from the country club. Nothing gives you more street cred than headwear from the Ben Hogan collection. Is that Tom Green trying to get an autograph? Oh, poor Tom...he should've saved more money from when he was rubbing his butt against things.
Jada Pinkett, channeling Rihanna. Jada would need to grow about two feet to truly become Rihanna. A foot of that would be forehead of course.
Eva Longoria took a night off from pretending to love Tony Parker. How loud does this bitch get when she'd drunk I wonder? That laugh of hers could crack glaciers.
Kate Beckinsale took a night off from worshipping her own vagina. Pharoah's Tomb my ass. More like Grand Central Station.
Gwen Stefani and her lame-ass husband brought gifts. What, no Kingston? I thought he was sewn to Gwen's hip. I can't wait till the new one comes out. She should kidnap adopt a couple Asian kids too. Only selfish people restrict themselves to bio-kids.
Sean Combs was invited...you know, to class the joint up. Apparently Bobby Brown wasn't available.
Little Miss Sobriety Lindsay Lohan spent early Sunday morning at Times Square's Hawaiian Tropic Zone helping her lesbian lover Samantha Ronson spin tunes and basically ick everyone out.
According to People Magazine, Lohan fueled herself with Grey Goose and Red Bull cocktails. That sounds utterly disgusting to me. Grey Goose is the world's best-tasting vodka...Red Bull is like sugary piss.
Lohan, said spies, danced the night away to Britney Spears and Madonna tunes. She and Ronson left the shindig at 4:15 am in a black Escalade. The munching then commenced.
Pete Doherty's landlord has kicked the junkie rocker out of his home after discovering that Pete has trashed it.
The nine-bedroom mansion is described as having once been picturesque, but thanks to Pete it now has blood all over the walls and floors, and is filled with abandoned cats.
The place has also apparently been raided by people Pete owes money to.
This is no big deal to Pete right now as he is currently serving a 14 week sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for not getting off drugs. It's possible that Pete doesn't even know he ever had a house.
The right-wing haters (that's a word everyone seems to like so I'll use it too) are trying to blow Bill Maher's anti-Pope comments up into a big controversy, in hopes that this will get him fired from his show on HBO.
This is stupid in many ways. One, the Pope is just an old man in a funny hat; he is only important because a billion Catholic dupes don't know any better. Two, Bill Maher has been talking shit against religion, sometimes insightfully, sometimes brainlessly, for years, so all this sudden venom against him is a bit hard to swallow. Three, the right-wing hates Maher because he trashes them more incisively than they trash him, and this angers the chimp-brains, and they're just looking for any excuse to get rid of him the same way certain people wanted an excuse to get rid of Imus and used the nappy-headed ho comment.
So, the new Fire Bill Maher movement is just a crock of shit. It's standard publicity-grubbing. The American Life League should shove their petition where the sun don't shine. Bill Maher should go on his show next week and say the Pope sucks dicks on weekends.
Poor Evan Rachel Wood. She just can't get away from controlling men who want to make her over after their own jerk-off fantasies.
The top picture shows Evan in Dita Von Teese mode. Marilyn Manson, Evan's boyfriend, just can't get over losing burlesque queen Dita...and with compliant little Evan around, he doesn't have to.
The bottom picture would seem to show Evan finally liberated from the clutches of wanky men...but alas, it isn't so. Yes she may look fresh-faced and pretty (if a tad pale), but that's only because she's filming a movie for Woody Allen...and Woody is clearly trying to make her look like Scarlett Johansson.
Can't these bastards just jack-off to dirty magazines like normal pervs?
Billy Bush may be the most reprehensible human being on the face of the earth. Vile and disgusting and slimier than a snail's penis after the snail has been jacking off to snail-porn.
Just listen to this dick-faced puddle of yak-spunk's interview with Lindsay Lohan. This is ass-kissing of a kind seldom witnessed by humanity.
boomp3.com
"There goes one of the great ones." Did he actually say that?
He needs to be put to death.
David Hasselhoff is still The Hoff, according to the divorce settlement reached with his ex-wife Pamela Bach.
Court papers revealed that Hasselhoff was also awarded the rights to his nickname Malibu Dave, and his catchphrase Don't Hassle the Hoff. He also got to keep the family's French maid (she specializes in cleaning up cheeseburger mess) and their antique barber chair.
Bach was awarded $21,000 in spousal support, the Mercedes and a photo of Michael Jackson.
Suri Cruise turns 2 today...a milestone for the one Scientologists call Muad'Dib.
Other two-year-olds may enjoy cake and ice cream on their birthday, and possibly a smelly guy making balloon animals...but for Suri, this is a day for quiet reflection and not frivolous celebration.
There were many things Suri wanted to accomplish by the time she turned 2. Curing cancer. Writing an opera. Becoming the first half-android to walk on Mars. But somehow, none of these things have happened...and her keeper Tom Cruise wants answers.
"There's a lot of disappointment," said a Cruise-clan insider. "Tom figured Suri would've won a Nobel Prize and possibly a Pulitzer by the time she was 2. But Suri doesn't have the kind of work ethic Tom expects. He sticks her in the lab and tells her, 'Okay Suri...cure a disease!' and she just starts bawling and knocking over expensive equipment. Then she says, 'Want mommy! Want play wif dolly!' and Tom just starts seething. He can't believe what a lazy little brat she is."
Suri has proven equally inept at artistic pursuits.
"Tom had her pegged as the next Picasso," the insider says. "But she doesn't even fingerpaint. She just tries to eat the paint or make moustaches on herself. She thinks these things are hilarious."
Tom's nerves are reportedly frayed to the breaking-point over Suri's lack of ambition. He has allegedly even considered taking her back to the manufacturer to be overhauled. The only one standing in his way is Katie Holmes, who gave birth to Suri's human half after being impregnated with sperm Tom purchased from a mad Ukranian super genius.
"Katie loves little Suri," our source says. "She doesn't care that Suri is half an android whose biological fathers were prisoners the mad Ukranian super genius killed in the process of extracting sperm from. Katie has the blind love of a mother. Even if Suri only ends up curing halitosis or writing a rock opera, Katie will still love her."
Katie was initially reluctant to confront Tom about his unrealistic expectations for their daughter (two words: cattle prod), but lately she's gotten bolder. And more reeking of alcohol. Friends suspect these two things are related.
"She doesn't put up with his shit like before," our source tattled. "In the old days he would just stuff her in the refrigerator, which he called her 'Learning Box.' But now she's begun fighting back. She doesn't even flinch anymore when he pushes her obedience button. He's worried that he may be losing her."
Katie's friends believe she will soon take Suri and flee someplace where she knows Tom will never follow.
"Katie got an invitation from Hugh Hefner," the spy reveals. "He's offered to put her up at the Playboy Mansion. Tom wouldn't set foot inside there for all the money in the world. Tits scare him shitless."
Matthew McConaughey, Hollywood actor and pro-body-odor advocate.
Adrian Brody used to be a hot Hollywood actor, but now he's just another lame-o bouncing from one weak-ass commercial project to another. But at least he still gets the hot chicks right?
Jesus, he looks like some greasy fucker sitting on his couch. "Get off your backside and get me a beer. Don't let that thing get flabby baby. I'll drop you so fast it'll make your head spin."
David Beckham's son Cruz has already mastered the fine art of flipping off photographers.
Cruz of course has an excuse...he's 3. Maggie Gyllenhaal? There's no excuse for her.
This is sorta funny...some crazy dude named Ralphige who makes a living pranking celebs called Jason Gummi Bear Davis and convinced him he was a drug dealer who was after Gummi's brother Brandon. Gummi, rather than stand up for his brother Greasy, completely ratted the bastard out, even giving the "drug dealer" Greasy's phone number. Gummi also hilariously claimed only to have tried cocaine a couple of times. Right Gum-Gum. And I've only nibbled a cookie or two in my life.
Hear Ralphige prank Jason Dummy Bear Davis:
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USA Today interviews Harrison Ford. "What was that sonny? You need to speak up..."
Time-lapse video of a guy stuck in an elevator...for 41 hours. Thank God it's not in Smell-o-vision.
Why the polygamists should be stopped.
Top 10 Urination Scenes in Movie History.
Yale student makes herself pregnant then gives herself abortions...as an art project.
Jude Law is bald.
The world's oldest tree is in Sweden. It is almost 10,000 years old. Joan Rivers planted it.
What's this new Posh look, cult-member chic? "The master bestowed upon me the blue tunic that I might wear it and be set free."
Britney Spears is trying to get herself back in shape. Give her credit for that.
At least she isn't driving.
Tony Curtis clearly doesn't have long left on this earth. He's probably too out of it to even know he has that silly hat on his head. Don't let Tony Curtis die with that cowboy hat on!
Hey look it's Fergie...and she's doing something. She is on meth. Fugly. Pees her pants. I miss anything?
Marilyn Monroe collector Keya Morgan claims to have sold a sex-film of the screen goddess for $1.5 million.
Not so fast says Defamer, who have collaborated with a trio of Marilyn experts on a piece that shoots down Mr. Morgan's claim, and paints Morgan himself as nothing more than a lying, scheming publicity-seeker:
Keya Morgan's time in the spotlight for this recent spin is nothing more than an opportunity for him to do just that - soak up some extra time in the limelight with his invented story about a fake flick, at the expense of the legacy of Marilyn Monroe.
10 Things You Didn't Know About Pope Benedict. So he hangs to the left, huh?
The new X-Files movie has a title: X-Files: I Want to Believe. R. Kelly will be writing the theme song.
France wants to stop skinny models from ruining people's body image. Wake me up when they also pass a law banning body odor...
The Dirty Disher hates LeAnn Rimes.
Why we love the Internet: Guy makes home-made flamethrower.
The world population will hit 6,666,666,666 some time in May. Can I interest you in a fully-furnished waiting-out-the-Apocalypse cave?
Heroes may add 15 new characters next season. How about one character who kills off all the other characters then dies?
Gwyneth Paltrow told Vogue that after she gave birth to her son Moses she came down with post-partum depression.
"I felt really out of my body," Paltrow says of her condition. "I felt really disconnected. I felt really down ... I felt pessimistic.”
You felt pessimistic? Imagine what your kids feel having to be around you all the time. They've probably already become regulars on the suicide hotline.
What kind of fucking thing is that for a man to wear? It's got zoo animals on the pockets for God's sake. It looks like something Perez Hilton would wear. Except he would at least do it with a little wink. Wentz actually thinks it looks cool.
Ryan Gosling doesn't appear to be as vain as a lot of Hollywood stars. Actually, he seems more along the lines of a Keanu Reeves...someone for whom personal appearance, and personal odor, are matters of almost no importance.
David Beckham is caught checking out a cheerleader at a basketball game. He's married not dead, right heteros?
Pete Doherty has been locked up for his own protection in London's Wormwood Scrubs. Unfortunately, Pete has less regard for himself than society apparently has for him, so he's still shooting heroin even inside lock-up.
"We can’t believe how much he’s still clucking for it," a fellow inmate said. "They put him inside to force him to give up but Pete always has a need to feed his habit."
Doctors inside the jail are giving Doherty methadone to try and wean him off smack, but the rocker is apparently having heroin smuggled in for him.
Also, a rumor went around when Doherty first entered jail that he had hidden drugs in his possession. This put Doherty in danger of being robbed and/or beaten up by fellow inmates who wanted his dope, so he has befriended a big streetfighter named Ray who kicks the other guys' asses for him.
Doherty is currently living in a small cell with a drug dealer. His mattress is said to be urine-stained...which is actually a step up for him.
Harry Potter cutie Rupert Grint doesn't have to worry about getting any action from skankpots Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton after what he has said about them.
Rupert on meeting Lindsay Lohan:
I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, "But you can’t act."
I haven’t met Paris and don’t want to either. She and Lindsay are the type of girls you need to stay away from.
Olivia Newton-John's freakshow daughter Chloe Lattanzi says she felt abandoned as a child and it caused her to become anorexic.
"My mum travelled a lot, so I think I missed out a lot when I was younger," Lattanzi whined.
"I suffered from anorexia and that has been the darkest time in my life."
And the darkest time in my life was the first time I saw you, Chloe. Jesus Christ you are one ugly bitch. Put a bag over that thing before you scar some poor kid for life. "Mommy, mommy! Don't let the ogre get me!"
Heteros, tell the Crabster something...is this the proper technique for fondling the female boob? It looks more like he's trying to play a theremin. Do eerie electronic noises come out of Avril when you gently stroke her nipples with the ends of your fingers?
Check that baby for coke residue!
I wonder what the kid thinks of Wino's beehive.
Nicole Kidman is pregnant. I think.
Right now her lips look more swollen than her belly. Maybe she's carrying the baby in her lips?
I think it's safe to say that Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian really are no longer friends.
Paris at least seems fairly down on Kim. Yesterday morning the wonk-eyed whore called in to some asinine morning zoo radio show and, with a little prodding from the imbecile hosts, dissed Kim and her rhinoceros ass.
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That's about as witty as Paris gets. I can't wait for Kim's retort. "Yeah, well, Paris smells like poo. So there."
Sources tell the New York Post that Lindsay Lohan's lesbian lover Samantha Ronson has "practically moved in" with the Blow in an effort to keep the sex-and-drugs-crazed starlet on the straight-and-narrow.
"Sam still has her own place," a source told the Post, "but she spends every night at Lindsay's."
Give me a fucking break. If Samantha Ronson is a good influence on Lindsay Lohan, then I'm a Persian carpet salesman. That dyke Ronson is nothing but a leech.
Heather Mills has managed to alienate another small piece of humanity, namely the producers of the Miss USA pageant.
The Miss USA people probably wish they had never heard of Mills at all. Reportedly, the greedy bitch made negotiations with the pageant difficult by demanding to receive money for any future rebroadcasts of the show.
"She flat out refused because of one line [in the contract]," an insider told the New York Post. "They went back and forth rewriting and finally threatened to pull her from it altogether. She still wouldn't sign it because she wants to get paid if they resell the footage. Her ego is enormous, and it's getting bigger by the minute."
Mills apparently thought of herself as the show's star attraction.
“She believed that if the show got high ratings, it would be because of her,” the source said. “She treated this like she was starring in a big-budget movie.”
Mills took her case all the way to Donald Trump, who owns the pageant. She accosted the Donald while he was dining at Koi, and began using her stumpy charms.
“Heather was flirting with him, and she was really working it,” said the source. “She was unprofessional, but he said, ‘Let her [go] on anyway’.”
The contract was eventually hashed out, and Mills went on the show.
But her appearance on the pageant was apparently only the beginning of Heather's plans for American conquest.
"In England, people don't like me," Heather reportedly said. "But I'm going to move to America, Los Angeles, hopefully . . . I'll be better off in the States."
Heather's plans apparently include latching on to Paris Hilton's notorious former publicist Elliot Mintz. The Stumpy One was seen chatting with Mintz after the Miss USA pageant...but at least one person is skeptical of this move.
"She's very cheap," the Post's source said. "She could never afford his price."
Never underestimate the power of the stump. If it could get Paul McCartney, it can certainly get Elliot Mintz.
Pete Wentz thinks the media are trying to burn his fiance Ashlee Simpson at the stake for being pregnant.
"There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood," Wentz said after rumors began circulating of Ashlee being knocked up. "This is all news to me. I can't wait for the story about how I'm really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover ... I mean really, this is crazy ... I mean we're engaged, that's true, and happy about it."
Funny you should bring up the gay thing Pete...
No, seriously...Pete honey, you need to buy yourself some books and read up on witch hunts. Normally, one uses that term to refer to things like McCarthyism...you know, situations where people's reputations and even lives are at stake. I don't think Ashlee stands to lose much from people claiming she's pregnant. Cause first of all, no one really cares. And second of all...what does she have to lose?
This is what happens when fruity Emo nitwits try to sound smart.
Heather Mills' boobs look like they had a stroke.
Her face looks like she had a stroke too, by the way. Spend some of Paul's money and get that droopy mouth fixed Stumpy!
Madonna is taking icky veininess to whole new levels. Now it's not just her arms...it's her head.
Um, are we sure that's actually a vein? Looks more like some kind of parasitic worm. It could be sucking the blood directly from her brain. Which would explain a lot, actually...
Amy Winehouse clutches a kid while downing a shot. They have white trash in England too, y'all.
Hayden Panettiere claims fame has turned her into a recluse.
"I don’t ever go out," the little cow whines. "I stay at home. I go from garage to garage, and keep myself out of sight."
Oh, how many garages do you have fair Hayden? And how many of them have nasty pervs hiding in them? And do you blow the nasty pervs once a day or twice?
"This business is very intrusive," Hayden goes on. "People want to know what you’re doing every day, and it becomes less about your craft and your art, and your love for acting, than it is about when you put food in your mouth, or when you’re walking your dog."
Yes Hayden...we're all obsessed with what you eat. You fat bitch. Fatty fatty fatty. Better lay off the Oreos hon...I'm just saying.
You're a fat-ass!
Bible-thumping asshole Michael Lohan is re-opening the divorce case against his pathological liar wife Dina.
Why would Michael do this? He claims Dina is making it too hard for him to see his kids, Lindsay, Lindsay 2.0 (aka Ali) and the male child.
"I gave her the family house, all the furniture and the $200,000 she owed me just so that I could see my kids and have a relationship with them," Michael ranted to the New York Daily News.
Woah...Dina owed you $200,000? That was Lindsay's money not either of yours, you fucking thief.
Michael is also cheesed that his dying father hasn't had a chance to see his grandkids.
"[Dina] told me, 'It's up to the kids if they want to see their grandparents,'" Michael fumed. "But she's made no effort to put them in touch or make this happen."
Maybe the kids don't want to see your dying father Michael. Maybe they hate the old bastard as much as they hate you.
Oh, and guess what...Michael is also accusing Dina of stealing his reality show idea.
"It's the exact same show I pitched," Michael asserts. "She even used my title."
She's calling the show How I Exploited My Children and Pretended the Money Was for Jesus?
A random attack against Justin Long and Drew Barrymore, two otherwise innocuous people:
God put a bra on Drew you filthy fucking skank! And Justin...Jesus, could you be any whiter?
The preceding was a random attack against Justin Long and Drew Barrymore, two otherwise innocuous people.
52-year-old John Slemp is in fair condition after falling 1300 feet into the crater of Mt. St. Helens.
Slemp was reportedly snowmobiling along the rim of the volcano with his friends when he stopped to walk around. The rock beneath him unfortunately gave way, plunging him onto the interior slope of the crater.
A helicopter was called to airlift him out. He was eventually taken to Legacy Emanuel Hospital in Portland, Oregon.
If Paris Hilton plunged into the crater of Mt. St. Helens, she would also live. If a decent human being did, they would die.
There is no God.
(Editor's Note: I don't mean to suggest that John Slemp is in any way Paris-like. But I'm guessing he ain't the brightest bulb in the strand.)
Britney Spears' ex-paramour Adnan Ghalib was reportedly stabbed in the arm on Saturday.
Details are sketchy, but according to JFXonline.com, Ghalib received lacerations to his face and a black eye in addition to the stab wound.
Ghalib, who spent several months escorting the empty shell of Britney Spears around L.A., was last seen going around with "comedienne" Kathy Griffin as part of Ashton Kutcher's lame pap-punking series.
So Ghalib hangs out with Kathy Griffin and pretty soon he's getting stabbed in the arm? This is not a coincidence people...that Griffin is one crazy fucking twist.
An unnamed businessman has spent $1.5 million to purchase a 15-minute long 16mm film of movie legend Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex on an unknown male.
The film is an illegal copy of a clip the FBI obtained in the '60s while J. Edgar Hoover was attempting to discredit the Kennedy family. Hoover tried to prove that the man receiving oral pleasure in the film was either John or Bobby Kennedy, but the man's face never comes into the frame, and the effort was ultimately dropped.
Collector Keya Morgan learned about the tape from an FBI agent, who told him of the informant who had originally tipped the feds off to its existence. The FBI confiscated the original tape in the '60s, but the informant had already copied it. Morgan brokered the sale of the copy, which was in the possession of the informant's son.
Marilyn's one-time husband Joe DiMaggio allegedly once attempted to purchase the copy for $25,000 but was turned-down by the owner. The new owner says he will never sell the tape, but intends locking it up forever.
Elizabeth Taylor was recently rushed to the hospital after overdosing on a mix of booze and prescription pills, the National Enquirer has revealed.
The Hollywood legend reportedly began vomiting early in the morning on April 6 and soon couldn't breathe. She managed to awake her assistant who called an ambulance. The 76-year-old Taylor was taken to Cedars-Sinai and released later in the day.
Oh damn Liz...stop trying to copy these young Hollywood starlets. You're 76-years-old for fuck sake (probably more like 80 but whatever). Play some bridge or go to the dog track or something. You're too old to be partying like Lindsay Lohan!
A little Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?...just because.
After weeks of relatively calm and responsible behavior, Britney Spears reverted to form last night by getting into a car accident.
TMZ is calling the incident, which happened on the 405 freeway in L.A. around 8:20 PM local time, a minor fender bender that ended with everyone going "on their merry way."
Perez Hilton paints a somewhat more chaotic picture however, reporting exclusively that the other driver "is making a big deal" and that Britney was given a breathalyzer test. Hilton also said earlier that Britney had been hauled in for a drug test but this has since been removed from his site.
So why is Britney, a clear head-case, even allowed to drive at all? Here's what a source told OK! Magazine a couple of weeks ago:
Britney is addicted to driving. Initially, her father wouldn’t let her drive at all, but he knows how much she loves it and it calms her, so he’s softened the restriction. He now lets her toodle around the block in her gated community.
So now I guess Jamie is letting Britney out on the freeway. Because driving calms her. Does playing around with a shotgun calm her too? Maybe Jamie should get her one and let her shoot it. "We're sorry about your dog sir, but it's the only way to calm her down."
There's a new X-Files movie coming out this summer. I never saw the first one and I never watched the show. Don't know why...just never did.
Anyhoo, whenever there's a geek movie like this out, you always have the months of build-up featuring leaks of pictures and plot spoilers and all the rest. Savvy marketers know how to take advantage of this by allowing a trickle of material to get out. The X-Files people have, for example, released this still of star David Duchovny.
While most geeks spend their time trying to glean plot info from the stuff in the picture, Crabbie is busy focusing on Duchovny's hair. Wow...Propecia City. Between that and the paunch, I don't think it's a stretch to say David is in danger of becoming John Travolta 2.0.
Does David fly his own jet now? Does he believe in Xenu and E-Meters and Thetans? Does he let his autistic son sit in front of a TV scarfing Doritoes instead of putting him in a school where he might be helped? Does he sneak off on Friday nights to get his dick sucked behind a hedge?
Billy Ray Cyrus...it's time for you to rein in your teen queen daughter Miley. No way should she be traipsing around in a get-up like this. She's just inviting pedos to drool over her, and that ain't right yo!
Society is screwed-up enough as it is without every dirtbag in the world getting over-stimulated by the sight of your pubescent daughter in her little cat-suit, Billy Ray. Although, I suppose this could be part of some plan of yours to actually rid the world of pedos. Like, you and Miley are hoping that by parading her around in these inappropriate costumes, you'll arouse these sickos to the point where their heads explode like in that old movie Scanners.
(Dear Papa Joe...don't look at Miley Cyrus! Your head will explode!)
Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested Thursday night after his wife called the cops on him for kicking and punching her.
Ice (real name Robert Van Winkle) allegedly got physical with his wife, Laura Van Winkle, after she bought a bedroom set. Apparently money's a little tight in the Ice household right now and Vanilla didn't think the missus should be buying expensive furniture.
Laura later downgraded Vanilla's abuse of her from kicking and punching to pushing. Vanilla denies even doing that. He was released Friday after appearing in court.
Now at least Vanilla has a new story to tell when he hangs with his homies at the bar. They were so sick of the one about the time he busted up a set on MTV and scared the shit out of Jon Stewart and Janeane Garofolo.
Heather Mills is in Las Vegas to judge the Miss USA Pageant. This means people want to interview her...which is just giving her a chance to run her mouth some more.
Of course Heather availed herself of this opportunity. And of course she used the occasion to rip Paul McCartney.
"I think he's got three different girlfriends so I wish all the girls the best of luck," Mills said of news of McCartney's recent romantic exploits, which have seen him going out with Rosanna Arquette and socialite Nancy Shevell.
Bitter much Heather?
Stumpy also talked about her divorce hearing, and specifically the incident where she dumped water over the head of McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton.
"Mrs. Shackleton said something under her breath so I cleansed and baptized her," Mills said. "I thought she looked fantastic — I thought it did her the world of good."
That's the second time Stumpy has used the "cleansed and baptized" line. Sorry Stumpy, but it wasn't funny the first time, and it still isn't.
You trying to go up a flight of stairs after misplacing your plastic leg...now that's funny.
(Thanks Cupcake)
"Pap Watch" is where Crabster gets a read on who's hot and who's not in Hollywood by the size of their pap-swarm.
J.K. Rowling went to the British Book Awards wearing the sort of dress one doesn't normally see at events with the word "book" in their names.
Unfortunately for Ms. Rowling, the dress decided not to function properly, putting the Harry Potter authoress in danger of a Tara Reid moment.
At one point, Rowling's agent Mark Hutchinson dashed forward to keep his most important client from flashing nip in front of the photographers.
Of course, the picture that ran in the Daily Mail made Hutchinson look more pervy than heroic. The effect was not helped by the slightly swoony expression of pleasure on Rowling's face at the moment of the apparent grope.
So, the lesson for Ms. Rowling is simple...cover those boobs. No one wants to see them anyway (trust us).
Survivorman: It's not just a great show, it also saves lives.
Fried Coke. Yes, our civilization has officially died.
The Dirty Disher's son is a guitar-pickin' fool (I mean that in a nice way Dishy; don't get all pissy with me like you do).
Perez Hilton has a movie coming out. It also stars Amanda Lepore and RuPaul. Copy Fried Coke observation, paste, commit suicide.
The 15 Best Hotel Room Porn Movie Titles. Who needs porn when you have Survivorman?
UC-Davis is threatening to use a collection agency to get money it's owed by Hillary Clinton's campaign. When Hillary answers the phone at 3 in the morning, it's a prissy-sounding guy telling her to cough up the dough or else.
Hamas will meet with Jimmy Carter. Jesse Jackson must be sooooo jealous.
Emo pussy Pete Wentz and his blow-up doll Ashlee Simpson have announced their engagement.
"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I, and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best," said Ashlee in a statement. "Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes – it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, and we wanted to be the first to tell you and to hear it straight from us."
It's a very private matter but we wanted to make sure to announce it on a website so everyone could know about our very private matter and aren't we so adorable with our matching make-up and tattoos and little pouty emo faces?
No.
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz...merging to create a sucking black hole of uselessness.
I hope someone is keeping Papa Joe away from sharp objects.
Mayors have to put up with a lot of ceremonial bullshit. Here we see Michael Bloomberg planting a tree with Tyra Banks in honor of the 600th episode of her show.
First of all...how the fuck is the 600th episode even considered an important milestone? What happens for the 732nd episode...she gets a statue of her twatty self?
Tyra's pose there makes me want to stomp kittens to death. Why couldn't Bloomberg have gone psycho and slapped the bitch in her evil face with that shovel?
A wild Elton John got out of its cage during a Hillary Clinton appearance and attacked the fast-fading Democratic presidential hopeful.
It's possible Elton is the last famous person who will admit to supporting Hillary. Seriously...I even saw Bill Clinton sporting an Obama button the other day. It's OVAH.
Natalie Portman went up into the wilds and found herself a mountain man.
I wish I had a mountain man too. I'd bathe him and brush him and teach him the ways of sin. He would never want to return to his mountains again. If I died he would end up wandering the earth, approaching random strangers and asking for butt-sex.
"Butt-sex! Butt-sex!"
Sean Penn and Robin Wright have decided to call off their divorce, Us Weekly is reporting.
The couple filed for a dismissal on Tuesday and it was granted. The two reportedly attended an Eddie Vedder concert over the weekend, and Penn went on-stage to dedicate a song to Robin as it was her birthday.
Wasn't Sean all over Petra Nemcova a couple of weeks ago? Now all of a sudden everything's wonderful between him and Robin again?
Robin seems like kind of a doormat, sorry to say. And Penn seems like exactly the kind of guy who would cuff a woman around.
Stumpy McTwatface has enraged the staff at a hotel called La Gazelle d'Or after bombarding them with lists of dietary demands ahead of her daughter Beatrice's stay there.
The hilarious thing is that Heather isn't even the one taking Beatrice to this hotel...Paul is.
"Paul booked the break for some quality time with Bea," a source said. "Now he's found out that Heather has been driving the hotel staff mad, faxing both the head chef and manager instructions and recipe suggestions for Bea.
"Paul is furious. He is perfectly capable of looking after his own daughter - especially after successfully bringing up his other children on vegetarian diets."
Clearly, Heather means to get revenge on Paul not only by stealing his money, but by hectoring him into an early grave. And I think it's working. I mean, have you seen him lately? He looks more beat-up than Keith Richards.
As for Heather...this woman may be the greatest genius at antagonizing people the world has ever known. She has raised unpleasantness to an art-form. I might grudgingly admire her, if only the sight of her didn't make me gag on my own vomit.
Gwyneth Paltrow thinks Britney Spears' recent mental issues are entirely the fault of the paparazzi and particularly Adnan Ghalib, the photog Britney developed a special relationship with.
"Look at what they've done to Britney," the brilliant Ms. Paltrow said. "The paparazzi and magazines have blood on their hands. They literally made her go insane.
"She's got classic Stockholm Syndrome - she fell in love with a paparazzo and went insane. The photographers and editors of these magazines have such bad karma. It's pretty dark."
You're gonna talk about other people's karma Gwyn? How about your karma after naming your kid Apple? You don't think hanging your progeny with a handle that will cause her to get beaten up all throughout her adolescent years qualifies you for a little karmic retribution?
Actually, I take that back. Looking at your face, it's obvious you already received that little bundle of payback. My bad.
Her Beneficence Angelina Jolie spoke before the Council on Foreign Relations Tuesday, telling the shadowy Washington organization that education is the key to restoring Iraq.
"It is a fact that the best way to heal children in conflict and their trauma is to focus their minds on their future," Angelina said.
"This population we're talking about is the future of Iraq. So to reach them now, to help deal with their trauma and refocus their minds on a possible future should absolutely be one of our top priorities.
"We need these kids ... to rebuild their country, to stabilize their country and eventually lead their country."
I agree with Angelina. We definitely need to start educating the Iraqi people. And then when we're done, perhaps we could do something about educating the American people?
Paris Hilton wants us to think she actually gives a damn about boyfriend Benji Madden.
"I've never felt so happy and in love," Paris says of her relationship with Benji Madden. "He's such an amazing guy and life has never been better."
First of all Paris...everyone knows the only person you're in love with is you. Second of all...if you were going to go Single White Female on us, don't you think you could pick a better person to copy than Nicole Richie?
Honestly, who in their right mind would want Nicole Richie's life? She's painfully useless to begin with, and now she's got a twat-monkey and a boyfriend who's about as appealing as a pile of sweatsocks that were soaked in a bucket of Amy Winehouse's armpit sweat.
Note to stupid skanks...the Maddens are not attractive. They're quite gross in fact. And furthermore, I don't think either one of them is entirely heterosexual. They'll play at it for the cameras, but deep down, them's a pair of butt-lovers.
Can Renee Zellweger be anymore obvious in her lust for George Clooney? She's practically crying at the sight of him.
Sorry Renee...George would rather screw his stripper than have anything to do with your bony butt. Why don't you forget about George, and find yourself a man who's more in your league? Kate Hudson dumped Dax Shepard...he'd be perfect for you.
Liz Hurley's really playing up that whole "I Married a Hindu Millionaire" thing isn't she? Too bad all the Hindus hate her for insulting their religion when she wouldn't take her shoes off or whatever the hell it was.
Gwyneth, meanwhile, remains Gwyneth...totally uninteresting. The sad thing for Gwyn-Gwyn is that she can't even fool Hollywood producers anymore. The best role she could wrangle for herself was Robert Downey, Jr.'s girlfriend in Iron Man - a part that human sleeping pill Rachel McAdams even turned down.
Two useless bitches.
Wacky celebrity photoshop. Remove sword, insert lightsaber.
Video teaches Hong Kong kids how not to poo in the swimming pool. Somebody get a copy of this to Fergie, stat.
Judd Apatow named Comedy Person of the Year. Whoever decided that has obviously never seen Pequena doing Amy Winehouse.
The Dirty Disher likes her some Johnny Depp. Who doesn't, really?
Jebbica lives out Crabbie's dream...being entirely buried in popcorn.
Kitten raised by dogs. Just what it sounds like.
I have no interest in a movie called Zombie Strippers.
Bush biographers think the script for Oliver Stone's W. is full of crap. An Oliver Stone movie that's full of crap? Get outta town...
This is an unattractive picture of Amy Winehouse. But it is not even close to being the most unattractive picture of Amy Winehouse.
These are, in fact, the 10 most unattractive pictures of Amy Winehouse.
10. Naked Wino. This was done for charity...but that doesn't make it okay. This would be much farther up the list if it were not for the professional lighting and strategically-placed tape and guitar.
9. Wino crack. Those pants must've been left from before she went on the crack-diet. If she had an ass, things like this wouldn't happen.
8. Wino bikini. No Amy, we do not want to almost see your cooch. We don't want to think about your cooch under any circumstances. Let's just pretend you don't have one and move on.
7. Amy in court for Blake Fielder-Civil, clearly medicated. All Amy sees are the pixies dancing on the judge's head.
6. Amy being deliberately gross. I love how her fingernails match whatever it is she's chewing. It's that extra little bit of thought...
5. Amy's "Don't fuck with me" face. She is definitely not more beautiful when she's angry.
4. Blake got the worst of it in that little scrap. Here's proof at least that the bat-wings aren't tattooed on.
3. What could be more attractive than a big horsey smile revealing a missing tooth? I'm surprised she has that many left, to be honest.
2. Impetigo. Sure. Whatever you say, luv.
1. Amy achieves gross-out perfection. The scrawny, tattooed limbs. The semi-squat. The cigarette.
The tampon.
Nobody does it better (except maybe Britney).
What is the photographer trying to say here. That Jessica Simpson is like a mannequin? Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Crew and passengers of British Airways flights no longer have to worry about being terrorized by Naomi Campbell...cause bitch has been permanently banned from the airline's planes.
“The decision was not taken lightly," a source said. "She is a valued customer. But it is unthinkable for BA to talk about the safety of staff and passengers being our priority, then let her off.
“Her behavior was absolutely shocking. She abused our staff and police.”
Virgin Airlines immediately jumped on this opportunity for publicity by saying Naomi was still welcome on their flights. So they're starting in-flight blow-job service and are recruiting models? Shrewd I guess.
Rocker Pete Doherty has reportedly been sentenced to 14 weeks in jail by a judge who got fed up with the crackhead rock star not showing up for probation hearings.
Doherty has been in trouble over his drug use too many times to list. Every time, a judge lets him off with probation or some order to go into rehab. So Doherty does two days of rehab, comes out and declares himself drug-free. Then he videotapes himself smoking crack or some shit and it's back to court.
This time, apparently, the judge is actually really fed up with Pete and is going to make him do time.
Doherty of course is planning to appeal. He doesn't want anything to do with that awful prison crack.
Amy Winehouse is going to be busy as fuck...now she'll have to smuggle drugs into jail for both her husband Blake Fielder-Civil and Doherty. She's going to have to sub-contract or something.
Angelina's freaky brother James Haven is also on the save-the-world kick.
Today, the child molesterish James will meet with Senators Dick Lugar, Barbara Boxer and others about the problems of AIDS and malaria in Africa.
If James wants to stop AIDS in Africa, he should stop fucking Africans.
Okay, that was bad. Anyway...since James is in Washington doing good deeds, Angelina has to be there too. Angie was actually spotted in town yesterday, with Maddox and Pax, at the Air and Space Museum.
I wonder if Angie and James were able to make time for themselves. You know, put the kids to sleep, head into the bedroom for a little hanky-panky...
I just made myself barf.
Redneck wedding pictures. Sorry, nothing Spears-related.
The Dirty Disher presents Woody Harrelson's naked ass. This made her so hot but she won't admit it.
7 Toilets You've Never Seen Before. I don't want any of them. The elephant one might come in handy for Kirstie Alley.
Why Are Women So Much Louder in Bed? I know nothing about this.
Crabbie's favorite movie critics, The Geezers, destroy George Clooney's Leatherheads.
Time names the Top 25 Blogs. Maybe next year they'll do the top 25,000,000 and Crabbie's Hollywood will sneak in. Or not.
Swedish professor wants to ban ice cream trucks. Socialists man...
Valkyrie was supposed to be the big prestige movie that helped Tom Cruise resurrect his career after a string of public embarrassments.
But now it looks like the WII Nazi drama will only be another humiliation to add to Cruise's ever-growing collection.
Early word on the Bryan Singer-directed film, which tells the true story of some German Army conspirators who plotted to assassinate Hitler, is that it's not very good. Of course nothing is coming out of the studio about it, but a hint may have been dropped today when MGM shifted the movie's opening from October '08 to President's Day '09.
This is the second time the film's release has been pushed back; it was first slated to drop June 27, '08.
In his column at FOXNews.com, Roger Friedman suggested that Cruise is fully aware of how bad Valkyrie is, and is trying to cover himself by getting back in the good graces of Paramount boss Sumner Redstone, the man who famously fired him last year.
Friedman thinks Cruise wants to negotiate a new deal before Valkyrie is released, because once people see it and realize it's terrible, he will lose what little leverage he has.
Who knows whether this is valid speculation on Friedman's part or just unfair piling on. It certainly seems, either way, that Cruise's Scientology shenanigans and other wacky behavior have damaged his box office standing irreparably.
Even if Valkyrie were a great film, it's likely audiences would turn their backs on it. Cruise's name has become synonymous with disappointment after the poor showings of Mission: Impossible 3 and last year's didactic Iraq War drama Lions for Lambs.
Joan Rivers doesn't like Victoria Beckham...and she doesn't care who knows it.
“I dislike Victoria Beckham,” Joan reportedly said. “The entitlement - the total entitlement. You want to say: ‘Calm down, you were a Spice Girl.’ The arrogance when she walks into a room is astonishing.”
Sounds like someone's jealous.
Seriously...get a life Joan Rivers. That's Posh Spice you're talking about! The absolute most important woman in the world. Besides Angelina.
Uwe Boll probably gets more grief than any other film director in the world.
Why this one hack should be singled out in a world full of Tony Scotts and Michael Bays is beyond me. Anyway, at least Uwe has a sense of humor about the whole thing.
Awhile ago, Uwe made waves on the Nets by challenging film critics to a boxing match. That resulted in this unfortunate episode:
18,000 is not enough to convince me. One million. Now we have a new goal.
Jessica Alba hauls herself into her baby shower. Even colorful balloons and the promise of many thoughtful baby-related gifts can't shake this bitch out of her perpetual gloom.
To his loving friends, colleagues and fans, we appreciate your heartfelt prayers and support. Charlton Heston was seen by the world as larger than life. He was known for his chiseled jaw, broad shoulders and resonating voice, and, of course, for the roles he played. Indeed, he committed himself to every role with passion, and pursued every cause with unmatched enthusiasm and integrity. We knew him as an adoring husband, a kind and devoted father, and a gentle grandfather, with an infectious sense of humor. He served these far greater roles with tremendous faith, courage and dignity. He loved deeply, and he was deeply loved. No one could ask for a fuller life than his. No man could have given more to his family, to his profession, and to his country. In his own words, "I have lived such a wonderful life! I've lived enough for two people."
Wire story:Legendary actor, civil rights leader and political activist Charlton Heston passed away today, at the age of 84. He died at his home with Lydia, his wife of 64 years, at his side. Mr. Heston was loved by his two children, Fraser Clarke Heston and Holly Heston Rochell, and his three grandchildren, Jack Alexander Heston, Ridley Rochell and Charlie Rochell.
Family statement:
Soylent Green is people.
Charles Manson has a new record out. It's pretty low-fi...just Charlie playing a guitar and singing into a tape recorder, with lots of prison noise in the background (at one point he even gets interrupted and starts yelling at a guy). This thing's out and about if you care to download it. The Crabster also offers a sample below - just press play on the thingamabob.
boomp3.com
Canadian popster and noted humanitarian Avril Lavigne wants to expand her media empire by starting a magazine.
Of course, because Avril is special, her magazine will be special. It will, according to Avril herself, feature only up-beat stories.
"I would make it completely positive," she explained. "There's so much negativity in the world right now. I'd pick up the big stories, but they'd have to be positive."
Avril is so right about all the negativity in the world. It makes me so sad every time I read a story about the poor people who don't have clean drinking water, and the Katrina people, and all the little kittens stuck in trees and the awful awful wars in those faraway countries where they don't even have Aeropostale and Starbucks.
Hillary Clinton went on with Ellen Degeneres. Fine. An audience is an audience.
But why did Hillary have to resort to mocking Barack Obama's bowling episode?
Does this make Hillary seem clever and sporting or simply desperate to make people talk about anything besides the fact that her campaign is on the rocks?
I'm tired of these politicians who think they can lull me to sleep with antics. Bowling. Going on talk shows. Self-deprecating jabs. Are you running for leader of the free world or auditioning for a weekend gig at The Laugh Factory?
How about showing some respect for the electorate? How about acting like the whole thing isn't some kind of show-biz load of shit?
This is why I refuse to support any politician regardless of party...they are all full of crap and anyone who puts their faith in politics is a fool.
Bloated loonbag Kathleen Turner has been forced to apologize to flaming wacko Nicolas Cage after claiming in a book that Cage once stole a Chihuahua.
Cage took Turner to court over the allegedly defamatory statements, which appear in Turner's memoir Send Yourself Roses. The case was finally settled in London's High Court, with Turner and the book's publishers both agreeing to publicly apologize, and give a substantial donation to a charity of Cage's choice.
The trouble-making extract from Turner's book appeared in this very blog a couple months ago. It read:
Now, Nicolas happens to be the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola, who was directing [Peggy Sue Got Married]. And my contrary co-star was absolutely determined to prove that he wasn't there as the result of nepotism.
So, everything Francis wanted him to do, he went against - to show that he wasn't under his uncle's wing. Which was ridiculous. Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it.
He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.
On the last night of filming, he came into my trailer after he'd clearly been drinking heavily. He fell on his knees and asked if I could ever forgive him. I said, "Not right now. I have a scene to shoot. Excuse me," and just walked out.
Nicolas didn't manage to kill the film, but he didn't add a lot to it, either. For years, whenever I saw him, he'd apologise for his behaviour. I'd say: "Look, I'm way over it." But I haven't pursued the idea of working with him again.
Brandon Davis commemorates the anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination...by calling a black paparazzo a word that starts with "n" and isn't "narcoleptic."
Some former classmates of Ali Lohan's have been suspended after posting a video on YouTube in which they made fun of the budding reality star and future federal witness.
"...they did a video about me on YouTube or something and said stuff [that was] inappropriate. Bad stuff that if I ever said, my mother would kill me. I was, like, really shocked because those girls, I thought they were my friends, but obviously you can't trust anybody except your family."
Oh precious Ali...in your case dear, your family are the last people you should trust.
Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt may be a privileged blob, but she's no match for an African bad-ass like Zahara.
According to Star Magazine, little Shiloh is the punching-bag of the Jolie-Pitt clan, routinely taking beatings from the older kids - especially Zahara, who likes pulling Shiloh's hair and stealing her treats.
Shiloh also reportedly chipped a tooth during a particularly vicious rumble.
"Angie gets worried when Shi plays with them," says a source. "She always comes back with a scraped knee or a fat lip!"
Oh man, just wait until Shiloh is old enough to start whining about her life. You only think Angie and James Haven are bad.
"My childhood was a nightmare. My mother used to let all these little savages beat the hell out of me. I had to fight just to survive. I have gotten my entire body tattooed to reflect the sadness and torture of my upbringing. Plus my digestive tract is ruined from all the Cheetos."
Seriously, Shiloh is just going to resent the hell out of Angie and Brad when she's older. But that's just the way it is in that family. You're not normal unless you either hate or are perversely fixated on your blood relatives.
The uber-nerds in charge of the Large Hadron Collider, the world's most powerful particle smasher, insist that when their big new shiny toy is turned on later this year it will not - I repeat not - result in the total destruction of the earth.
"The LHC will start up this year, and it will produce all sorts of exciting new physics and knowledge about the universe," said CERN spokesman James Gillies. "A year from now, the world will still be here."
These reassurances probably won't quiet the small but vocal group of wackos who have raised concerns over the LHC and its possible deleterious effects on the space-time continuum.
The wackos have gone so far as to sue CERN, citing the potential for numerous exotic and disastrous phenomena to be created by the LHC's operation. Among these doomsday possibilities are tiny black holes that could grow to swallow the earth, killer strangelets that would begin devouring atomic nuclei until there was nothing left of earth or proton-destroying magnetic monopoles.
A safety review, undertaken in 2003, conceded the slight possibility that tiny black holes or magnetic monopoles could result from work at the LHC, but said there was no chance of these phenomena endangering the planet or humanity.
The LHC is expected to be a major boon to science when it finally begins functioning in a few months. Questions physicists hope to answer with it include whether the Higgs mechanism exists, whether particles have supersymmetric partners and why gravity is so much weaker than the other fundamental forces.
And it will also make a mean omelet (one that will absolutely not expand and cover the earth in eggy goop...probably).
Al-Arabiya has reported on the case of a Saudi man who beat and then shot his daughter after he caught her conversing with a man via Facebook.
The incident actually happened last August, but has come to light again in the wake of remarks by Saudi preacher Ali al-Maliki, a vocal critic of the social networking site and other decadent Western influences.
"Facebook is a door to lust and young women and men are spending more on their mobile phones and the Internet than they are spending on food," al-Maliki recently proclaimed.
There may be as many as 30,000 Facebook users in Saudi Arabia. One Facebook group, Single and Looking in Saudi Arabia, boasts over 1,800 members and features the sort of explicit images that normally get your genitals sliced off with a sword in that sort of country.
Old school Saudis also fear that Facebook promotes homosexuality. As we all know, men fucking men is bad, but men fucking camels is perfectly fine.
Perez Hilton is apparently desperate to get people to pay attention to him. That's the only explanation for his absurd claim that he made out with John Mayer in front of Jessica Simpson at New York's club Stereo last year.
Hilton makes this claim in the new issues of Life & Style and In Touch (both of which should have their headquarters blown up by terrorists for propagating such bullshit). The zit-faced pantload then went on Ryan Seacrest's show to repeat the lies, saying, "He is definitely bi.
"He kissed me, and I kissed him back. It was on the mouth with tongue.
"I thought he was messing with me. Then he kept going and going."
Perez then outdid himself for vileness by saying Mayer's ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson was there, and not only didn't mind, but actually joined in by rubbing Mayer's crotch.
Naomi Campbell may be fucked for real this time. The supermodel has reportedly been arrested at Heathrow Airport in London after spitting at a police officer while on-board a plane.
Other passengers say Campbell became rude and aggressive toward staff after there was an issue with her baggage. She got so carried away that she had to be handcuffed on the plane. Presumably, this was when she expectorated upon the police officer.
Campbell is reportedly still in the process of being questioned. British Airways officials won't confirm that Campbell was removed from one of their planes.
Apparently, Naomi has no more respect for the police than she has for her hired help. I guess we should be thankful the officer was able to cuff Naomi before she could get to her Blackberry, or there could've been another nasty beaning.
Heather Mills snapped at the Newark airport in a wig.
Oh right...so now Heather wants to be anonymous. Suuuuuure...
Tobey Maguire orders an extra-large dick (with nachos) while attending some manner of sporting event.
Comedian Jerry Seinfeld should probably be dead or badly hurt right now, considering what happened to him while he was driving around in the Hamptons Saturday.
According to East Hampton police, Seinfeld was driving his vintage Fiat, alone, when the brakes failed, forcing the Bee Movie star to deliberately swerve off the road to avoid running through an intersection.
The maneuver caused Seinfeld's car to roll, coming to rest only yards away from other vehicles.
"His actions probably avoided a very serious accident," said East Hampton police chief Todd Sarris. "I think he was a little shaken up, with justification."
Police rushed to the scene (it was a Fiat so of course they did), and were amazed to discover that Jerry required no medical attention.
The comedian of course tried making humor out of his near-disaster.
"Because I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit of."
Obviously Larry David didn't write that for him.
