What Exactly is Madonna Thinking?

Someone kicked sand in Madonna's face at the beach I think. That's the only explanation for this. Seriously...what the hell?

Kathie Lee Gifford Returning to Daytime TV

Before there was Rachael Ray, there was a another foul demoness named Kathie Lee Gifford.

Many rejoiced when Kathie Lee made the decision years ago to leave her popular morning program with Regis Philbin (including Regis). Now, Kathie Lee has plunged us all back into darkness by returning to daytime TV as hostess of the fourth hour of The Today Show.

Fourth hour? How about fourth ring of hell?

Kathie Lee will reportedly be teamed with someone named Hoda Kotb. Hoda needs to call up Vanna and get herself a vowel methinks. And after a few days on the air with Kathie Lee, she will also need a reservation for a nice padded room.

“It’s going to be a new experience because this time it’s with a girlfriend,” Kathie Lee said of being teamed with Kotb. “Regis was like a bad little brother all those years.”

And Hoda's like what? Your little sister who does everything you tell her because she doesn't want you to feed her dollies to the dog anymore?

Fuck you Kathie Lee.

Yes We Can...Go Bowl a Few Frames...

Barack Obama looks all wrong bowling. He should be fat and have sauce from his buffalo wings all over his shirt. Nice shoes though.

Keri Russell's Baby May Actually be Some Kind of Monkey, Possibly from Madagascar

Keri Russell's kid must've been rolling around on a carpet. I still say he's a monkey and not a kid.

Lara Flynn Boyle WTF?

Lara Flynn Boyle looks like a bloated corpse. Seriously. I bet you she can't even speak with those lips. She tries to order shit at restaurants and it just sounds like, "Bububuubuububu." Those people she was signing autographs for must've been mortified. They were like, "Wow I got Nicole Kidman's auto...who the fuck is Lara Flynn Boyle?"

Hey Lara...Walter Matthau called. He wants his jowls back.

Lindsay Lohan Blonde, Also Disoriented

Lindsay Lohan has gone blonde again. She's also back to wearing leggings after a short period of bare-leggedness. That second picture indicates that she: a) is blind or; b) likes doing the robot while hiding behind bushes.

Paris Hilton Injured by Paps

Paris Hilton got an owie on her chin when paparazzi swarmed her and fake boyfriend Benji Madden as they were leaving a restaurant in the Czech Republic.

The paps, just as in Turkey last week, were whipped into a frenzy by Paris's presence. They started pushing and shoving and swinging shit around, and Paris tried to flee and fell down and scraped her chin.

Great...now the sidewalk has VD.

Paris, as you can see by the picture, was a bit shaken, but basically unharmed. It will take more to slay the beast than a single bunch of crazed Czech snappers.

A-Lister Set to Be Outed by U.S. Mag?

Rav Singh writes in his blog at News of the World:

AN A-lister star of Hollywood will be outed next week, I can reveal.

This particular actor is known as a bit of a ladies man but in fact, he really has a secret eye for the fellas.

My man in LA told me: "This guy is not married. He's been out with many women but has been seeing men too.

"A US mag is revealing it next week which will send Hollywood into overdrive."

Now we're all guessing who it is. A lot of people are saying George Clooney but I say no way...Clooney ain't gay. More people are saying Owen Wilson but I also don't believe Wilson is gay.

I'm just on the edge of my seat, I don't know about you...

Angelina Jolie Has Gestational Diabetes. Bet You Feel Bad for Hating Her Now, Huh?

Angelina Jolie is suffering from gestational diabetes, according to Star Magazine.

"She found out about a month ago and has been trying to keep it under wraps," a source said of Angie's health issues.

"She's sick and irritable and feels heavy and weak. She's been seeing a nutritionist about it."

Star Magazine is the same publication that assured us Angie and Brad Pitt had gotten married in New Orleans in the last few days. But that has turned out to not be true. So who knows if there's anything to this gestational diabetes thing.

I suppose it's possible there's nothing wrong with Angie and she had someone leak the diabetes story on purpose so we'd feel sorry for her...

Jessica Alba @ Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards

Jessica Alba won a Kids' Choice Award...Most Ethnically Confused.

By the way, does that award come with batteries? Cause Alba's gonna need something like that after she has a kid and her man no longer wants to touch her.

Ashton Kutcher Makes Possibly Obscene Gesture Toward Cameron Diaz @ Kids' Choice Awards

What is Ashton Kutcher doing with his hand? What sound is Cameron Diaz making as he performs said gesture? Why is any of this happening in the presence of thousands of tweens and their oblivious parents? There's probably a punking of some kind going on.

Ashlee Simpson is Now Blacker Than Rihanna

Ashlee Simpson is trying to turn herself ethnic. Rihanna is six-four, two feet of which is forehead. Freak show.

Miley Cyrus and Some Jonas Brothers @ Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards

The Jonas Brothers. One day someone will explain to me what their function is, besides providing rumored boyfriends for the likes of Miley Cyrus. The one on the left could be Dewy Cox's younger brother, Tiny.

Breaking: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie May Be Married

The heat is getting turned up on the gossip burner, and in the pot simmering is the rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married in New Orleans.

From Star Magazine:

It's official!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got hitched earlier today, Saturday, March 29, in New Orleans.

OK! Magazine is being a little more circumspect, saying:

Even though Brad Pitt famously once said that he would get married again when everyone in the United States could also do so, the rumor mill has gone into overdrive this evening with reports that the Fight Club star has said "I do" to gal pal, and mother of his children, Angelina Jolie in a ceremony in New Orleans.

When reached for comment on the rumors, Brad's rep would only say to OK! that she had "no idea" if they were true or not.

Hmm...the rep doesn't out-right deny it. Does that mean anything? Guess we know what we'll be yakking about for the next couple of days. Anything to distract me from my sorrow...

Gift Ideas for Jamie Lynn Spears

Jamie Lynn Spears and her apparent fiance Casey Aldridge have registered for gifts at Babies R Us. Note the expected arrival date: July 10. Also note that the "Grandparents" field is left blank. Hmm...is someone else in the Spears family on the outs with Lynne?

Also, note the Registrant's Message:

Thank you for supprting us during this special time.

Yup, she's a Spears all right.

Aw...but this is no time to be piling on Jamie Lynn. It's such a joyous, happy time in her life! What could be better than giving birth at 16?

Just in case you were planning on buying Jamie Lynn a gift, here are ten suggestions from the Crabster:

1. A car-seat. Cause we don't want Jamie Lynn and baby starring in any photos like this.
2. A baby spoon. Cause it's about time someone in the Spears family learned how to eat with a utensil.
3. A super mega pack of Huggies. The special ones with "Jail Bait" written across the butt.
4. A pack of Virginia Slims and a can of Red Bull. Or, as the Spears family calls it, lunch.
5. A helmet. For when something like this happens (and you know it will).
6. Lipsticks from Rite Aid. No Spears family outing is complete without them.
7. An umbrella, so baby can join in the Spears family's favorite pastime, pap-whackin'.
8. A frame baby can one day use to proudly display his/her GED.
9. A can of couch-sittin', white-boy-rappin' gold-digger repellent.
10. Directions to the nearest Family Planning Center. Also a big old box of condoms.
    

Michael Lohan Ain't Feelin' Lindsay's New Role

Lindsay Lohan's over-protective father Michael isn't down with his daughter's latest role.

Lindsay, who was last seen getting chopped to bits in I Know Who Killed Me, will next be wielding the sharp objects instead of having them used on her, portraying Manson Family member Nancy "Brenda" Pitman in the movie Manson Girls.

But Michael thinks such a role won't help Lindsay's career, which has been on the fast track to nowhere since her mildly successful turn in Herbie: Fully Loaded.

"When you're the kind of star Lindsay is, you have to appeal to a general audience, not just a specific audience," Michael explained.

Oh okay Michael...you want Lindsay to appeal to a less-specific audience. So you're not down with her playing to the pervs in the raincoats? Cause that's basically her audience right now.

Sorry Michael, but those parts you're talking about are just not coming Lindsay's way. She screwed her career up...bad. That's why, when these dopey superhero movies come out every summer, Lindsay is in none of them. And that's frankly a shame...how much more fun would Transformers have been with spunky Lindsay instead of that tree branch Megan Fox?

Lindsay has the randy charm to liven up big clunky summer movies but she'll never get the chance because she's too much of a risk. So face it Michael...her career from now on is gonna be small-to-mid-sized movies.
She will not be taking over for Kiki Dunst in Spider Man 4...no matter how entertaining that particular move would actually be.

Paris Hilton Has a Bunion

How does Paris Hilton become even more revolting? Two words: Huge bunion.

That is still only the second-most-disgusting projection on Paris's body, the first being, obviously, her nose.

Sarah Larson is a Skank

Naughty pictures of George Clooney's woman Sarah Larson keep popping up all the time. Here's one of her licking a magazine. Isn't that a sign of meth addiction? Methinks Sarah might be one of those freaky chicks who like having men shoot in their faces. That explains George's infatuation.

Someone Tell Lauren Bacall to Cover Up. Please.

Dear Lauren Bacall,

We love you Lauren. You are a legend. So please...allow us to remember you fondly. Don't impress upon our minds an image that will end up replacing the ones he want to remember, from when you were young and gorgeous and being all hot and sassy with Humphrey Bogart.

Please Lauren...cover up your speckled old lady boobs! We don't want to see yours anymore than we want to see Jack Nicholson's. In fact, we want to see yours less.

Sincerely,

Crabbie

Lindsay Lohan to Play Manson Follower Nancy Pitman. Dude, Lohan Should Totally Play Charlie!

Lindsay Lohan has signed up to play Charles Manson follower Nancy Pitman in the movie Manson Girls.

Pitman, a Malibu surfer chick from a rich family, left home at 16 to join the Manson family, where she became known as Brenda. She is believed to have accompanied Charlie back to Sharon Tate's house after the infamous murders to help Charlie plant false evidence, but never faced any charges.

She remained fiercely loyal to Charlie throughout the Tate-LaBianca trial, even trying to pass him a tab of acid while visiting him in jail. After the trial, she and family member Bruce Davis hid out in the sewers of L.A., a forgery charge hanging over her heads. They finally surrendered to police in 1970.

Pitman/Brenda would later spend a year in jail for being an accessory in the murder of Lauren Willett, a 19-year-old who was living with her, Squeaky Fromme and Aryan Brotherhood members Michael Monfort and James Craig. Pitman wound up marrying Monfort and having four kids with him. They later divorced, and Pitman now hides out in Oregon.

Sounds like a dream-role for Lohan. Although, I think she'd be better as Charlie. Why not? If Cate Blanchett can play Bob Dylan...

Katie Holmes is Going to Broadway

Tom Cruise's personal uterus Katie Holmes is reportedly in negotiations to star on Broadway in a revival of Arthur Miller's All My Sons.

"The actress has committed to taking part in a private workshop of the play in May," says the Daily Mail's Baz Bamigboye. "She will play the part of a woman who visits her former neighbours, the family of a missing pilot she once loved."

Hmm...Katie playing a woman pining for her lost love. Shouldn't be too hard for her to conjure those feelings. All she has to do is remember her life before Tom and all sorts of sadness and regret will naturally come gushing out.

That's assuming she still can remember it after the Scientology brainwashing.

Paris Hilton Arrives in Turkey, Sets Off Riot

Pretty much everyone in America (with the possible exception of Perez Hilton) is over Paris Hilton. They think she's yesterday's news, and wish she would just disappear utterly from the face of the earth.

However, there are, I have been informed, other countries on this planet besides the U.S. And in some of these no-doubt putrid backwaters, Paris Hilton is still treated like a major star.

One such backward shithole is the nation of Turkey. Paris was invited there to judge the Miss Turkey contest, a competition in which moustache thickness and pungency of odor figure heavily. The dumb-ass heiress arrived in Istanbul yesterday, and for whatever reason, her presence touched off a riot amongst photographers.

Paris, unfortunately, survived the violence unscathed, and went on to perform her duties as a pageant judge. There's video of that too.



It's worth noting, I think, that in a recent poll of industrialized nations, Turkey was found to have the highest percentage of people who don't believe in evolution. And the nation with the second-highest percentage?

You guessed it. America.

So, I guess it's fitting that there should be a cultural exchange between the U.S. and Turkey...and that Paris Hilton should be the agent of this exchange.

Winona Ryder Should Move to England

Winona "Sticky Fingers" Ryder is clearly living in the wrong country. If she really wants to get her shoplifting rocks off, she should move to England.

Apparently the English believe in being super-lenient when it comes to shoplifters. Just consider the case of Joanne Jones, who was recently let off with a 90-day suspended jail term after getting convicted of shoplifting and other petty crimes for the 175th time.

Not that Joanne hasn't been in jail...she's actually been locked up a total of 34 times over the last 16 years. But consider the percentages - 34 jail terms in 175 convictions? Not too bad.

Plus, those couldn't have been very long terms. The woman is only 31. I say Winona should take that deal. 12 trips to court per year (that's what Ms. Jones is averaging) is a small price to pay to be able to do what you love most.

The really funny thing about this story is what the magistrate said when handing down the sentence to Jones:

"We'll give you another chance. You are no stranger to this court.

"However on this occasion there's a chink of light in your favour, which gives us some chance of hope for you.

"We are going to give you another opportunity if you can manage it."

The "chink of light" the magistrate refers to was apparently Ms. Jones's willingness to admit to a theft that wasn't on her charge sheet. So, you see, she's learning to take responsibility for her actions, and therefore is worthy of another chance.

This magistrate needs to be introduced to the concept of the sociopath. They "take responsibility" for things precisely because they know it will get them off the hook and they'll be able to do more bad stuff. Is that complicated?

Remy Ma is Headed for Prison

Ultra-classy rapper Remy Ma faces 5 to 25 years in prison after being found guilty of first-degree assault, attempted coercion and criminal possession of a weapon.

Remy was charged with 9 counts total over a 2007 incident in which she shot her friend for allegedly stealing $3,000 from her purse. Remy was found not guilty of gang assault and witness tampering. I don't know what happened to the other charges.

Family members of the shooting victim apparently yelled stuff at Remy as her verdict was being read. Hopefully there will be video soon.

If they want to give us real entertainment, they should stick Remy and Foxy Brown in a cell together and set up a webcam. One or both would be dead within a week.

Shia LaBeouf in Indy Jones 4 - Sexy or Not Sexy?

Nice teenager stache there Shia. Oh yeah, this movie's gonna be great...

Angelina Could Get $10 Million for Her Baby Pics

National Enquirer editor Barry Levine predicts Angelina Jolie could get as much as $10 million for the first pictures of her new blob.

"It's become big business now," Levine told Page Six. "It's outrageous, they've gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it's impossible to obtain a photo illegally."

Jennifer Lopez recently got $6 million from People for pics of her new twins. And even that whore Christina Aguilera who no one cares about got $1.5 million from the same rag.

"That's where the market is right now," Levine explained. "When I was the editor of Star in LA, we bought photos of Lisa Marie Presley's baby back in 1989 for $100,000, and at the time I thought it was outrageous. Now it's chump change."

Lisa Marie is once again pregnant. This time, her baby pics ought be worth about enough for her to get her car washed and perhaps buy a copy of the magazine that runs them. If anyone actually carries copies of Icky Former Wives of Michael Jackson Weekly.

Of course, Angie will be donating the $10 million from the blob pics to charity. Because nothing gets Angie off more than bestowing gifts upon the unwashed who then come kneel before her in worshipful gratitude.

If you can't make your daddy love you, then you just buy the love of the masses, right Angie? Oh, and have sex with your brother.

David Beckham Plays His 100th Game for England. Posh Dreams of Stilettos and Spray-On Tans.

Posh and the clones watch as David Beckham plays in his 100th game for England. Apparently this playing in 100 games for a team thing is a big deal. Posh doesn't look all that thrilled though. Her mind is clearly somewhere else. And I'm guessing that there's a sale there.

Beckham got to wear gold soccer shoes because he played in 100 games. Those are flaming. I want a pair.

Jack Nicholson Needs a Boob-Lift

Aged movie star Jack Nicholson hits the beach in St. Barts. I'm pretty sure that top pic is NSFW. Just be glad it wasn't a nude beach, otherwise we'd also be looking at Jack's Viagra-induced purple throbber.



"Wanna feel my tits girls? Cause I sure wanna feel yours."

Richie Sambora is a Giant Idiot

Richie Sambora was busted for DUI after driving his black Hummer in erratic fashion around L.A. Tuesday night.

So what, you say? Another star busted for DUI? Happens all the time in La-La Land?

Maybe. But, normally, stars busted for DUI don't have their 10-year-old daughters in the car with them at the time.

Yes folks, you heard me right...Richie Sambora was driving around wasted with his own daughter Ava in the vehicle with him. Now the Bon Jovi guitarist and ex-husband of Heather Locklear may face child endangerment charges to go with the DUI charges he will already be facing.

Okay, here's the deal...if you drive drunk you are an idiot. But, it's still possible, assuming you don't kill anyone in the course of your idiocy, to beg the world's forgiveness, and clean up your act and eventually be let off the hook.

However, if you drive drunk with your own kid in the car? You are an idiot of such unbelievable scope and dimension that there can never be any redemption for you. I don't care if you get on your knees and say you're sorry a thousand times. I don't care if you beat yourself with branches to show how sorry you are. I don't care if you start a stop drunk driving foundation that raises thousands of dollars. I don't care if you become Mother Fucking Teresa afterward...you are an idiot forever and ever and ever and you should never be allowed to forget what you did.

Ever.

More Evidence That Britney is Over and Miley is the Pap Queen

There is even more evidence to support the common belief that Britney Spears' run as the paps' main target is over, and that Miley Cyrus has taken her place. It comes to us from Rush & Molloy:

Dare we hope? The paparazzi are over Britney Spears, a top photo agency head tells us. "Over the weekend, there were less than a half dozen covering Britney" despite her imminent sitcom debut on "How I Met Your Mother" says BuzzFoto founder Brad Elterman. "Yet there were 30 in the pack covering Miley Cyrus. Most of them were Britney regulars, but they want something new and fresh. It's moved on to Miley."

This is all clearly a result of Britney's family stepping in to manage her affairs. If Sam Lutfi were still in charge, Britney would still be acting like a maniac all over the place, and the paps would still be following her hoping for a meltdown.

The only reason they're following Miley is because she's the flavor of the month. No one actually believes she's going to lose it on-camera. That kid is so programmed and controlled, she probably doesn't take a leak without permission.

In the end, Miley will prove far too boring for lasting pap-attention. Someone wilder will have to emerge...or, Britney will have to get desperate, and do something really nuts like toss one of her kids off a roof or maybe get a third ear grafted onto her forehead.

Richard Widmark is No More

Legendary Hollywood actor Richard Widmark is dead at the age of 93.

Don't bother asking the cause of death - fucker was 93. When you're 93, the cause of death is being 93.

Widmark starred in one of Crabbie's all-time favorite movies, Samuel Fuller's Pickup On South Street. I may watch it tonight in honor of Richard.

Robin Williams' Wife Files for Divorce After 19 Years

Robin Williams and his wife Marsha Garces Williams are splitting after 19 years of marriage.

People reports that Marsha has filed a divorce petition in San Francisco, citing irreconcilable differences.

Robin spent some time last year in rehab for substance abuse, so that may have contributed to their break-up. Also, Robin is the most insufferable assmunch on the face of the earth.

Seriously...it's a miracle Marsha isn't in a strait-jacket. 19 years with Patch Adams? I'd have long-since hung myself from a rafter in the attic.

Amy Winehouse is Being Shipped to South Africa for More Rehab

Impetigo sufferer Amy Winehouse is reportedly being sent to South Africa to help her deal with that other problem that's been plaguing her existence - crack.

Amy already tried rehab in the UK, but that didn't work, so now her people are trying to ship her as far away as possible in hopes certain bad influences won't be able to rear their ugly heads.

Speaking of bad influences...Amy was recently visited at her flat by Pete Doherty, who has reportedly been trying to help her clean up.

In other news, the Crabster has hired Pig Pen from Peanuts to help him clean up his apartment.

Fossils

Someone was poking around in the dirt, and discovered a pair of dinosaurs. Then they propped them up against a car for some reason.

(This picture was taken because Barbara Walters has interviewed Paul Newman for a show called Live to Be 150... Can You Do It? Hmm...I'm gonna say no, and no.)

Katie Holmes May Be Near Death

Being Tom Cruise's trophy android may finally be catching up with Katie Holmes.

Katie, according to Star Magazine, was seen looking pretty rough recently while lunching at Joan's on Third in L.A. Witnesses say she appeared feeble and emaciated, as well as unsteady and confused, and that she had to be helped into her SUV by a bodyguard.

Other sources say Katie has been suffering headaches and dizzy spells, possibly related to all the pressure Tom puts on her.

"Katie doesn't get enough sleep — and hasn't for months now," and insider reports. "She's tired and drained much of the day because Tom is so wired, and they stay awake until after midnight. He has boundless energy, and she just can't compete."

Katie is also reportedly insane about her weight, again because of the expectations dipshit Tom places on her.

Tom, meanwhile, is a fat load who spends his life trawling for gay sex in dive bars. I don't have any sources on that last one, I just know cause I know.

Is This the Parachute of D.B. Cooper?

Two children from Southwest Washington have discovered what could be the parachute used by infamous hijacker D.B. Cooper in 1971, when he leapt from a Mexico-bound plane with $200,000 taped to his body.

The kids saw the chute sticking from the ground where their father had just been grading a road. They yanked it free as far as they could from the soil, then cut its cords with a scissors.

The children, realizing the artifact's potential importance after having seen something about Cooper on TV, urged their father to call the FBI.

The feds are now asking experts to come forward and help them determine if the chute could have been the one used by Cooper.

The only definitive evidence ever found that Cooper survived his bail-out was $5,880 of his money, which was discovered in a bag in a beach along the Columbia river.

Tom Takes it in the Ass Again

Another goof on Tom Cruise's infamous Scientology rant video, this one from the movie Superhero Movie! God I hate those generically-titled parody flicks, but this one scene at least is good. The actor doesn't really look like Cruise but he has the mannerisms and the laugh and stuff.

30 Days of Night

This is one of those movies where people say, "Wow, what a great idea. Why didn't they think of that sooner?" I don't know - maybe because it's not a great idea?

Perhaps it could've been a great idea...vampires invading Barrow, Alaska during 30 straight days of darkness at the height of Arctic winter, and feasting on the townsfolk. Unfortunately, it was made by a bunch of borderline incompetents.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at a movie (it might have been Apocalypto). It was the vampires that got me - this bunch of allegedly menacing people with stretched-out faces and little black eyes hissing and dripping blood from their mouths, and talking in some language that sounds like Klingon. The first time they started talking, I swear, I almost fell out of my seat. Hilarious.

Almost equally hilarious is the notion of Josh Hartnett as a small town sheriff who's the only thing standing between the townspeople and destruction. Josh is just so not the kind of person I would want defending me if vampires descended upon my sleepy sub-polar community. Nothing against him...I'm sure he'd try his damnedest. It's just that, were some horrific fate in danger of befalling me, I'd prefer someone protecting me who seemed smarter than his own boots.

The whole thing is just such a mess. The clunky plotting (the vampires are so clumsily introduced that you just want to stand up and yell at the director to go back to film school), the tin-eared dialogue, the listless acting. Oh, and the dumb-ass heavy metal horror routines, which reach a truly revolting level in one scene where a young girl becomes a vampire and gets decapitated with an axe. The movie is so desperate to drum up shock value that you just feel sorry for it.

Britney Ploy Pays Dividends for Sitcom; Ratings Go Through Roof

Congratulations producers of How I Met Your Mother - your ploy to exploit Britney Spears' notoriety while pretending to actually help her rejuvenate her career worked. Britney's guest appearance on last night's episode earned your show the highest rating it's ever gotten.

Of course, that still wasn't enough to get the show into first place. In fact, its 4.5 rating only placed it fourth on the evening.

Apparently people are only fascinated with Britney when she's showing cooch, shaving her head or swinging an umbrella around like a club. They're not quite as stoked about seeing her act.

I Always Knew Priscilla Presley Was a Big Dumb Lube-Face

Priscilla Presley just wanted to look young again. So, she signed up for a special treatment offered by an Argentine doctor, which was supposed to be more effective than Botox.

Unbenownst to Priscilla, the quack cosmetic surgeon's miracle face-smoother was nothing of the sort. It was, in fact, plain old everyday silicone auto lube.

The Argentine doctor...surprise surprise...turned out not to be a doctor at all, but just a gigolo who dreamed up a great scam to fleece rich, stupid Hollywood women. Larry King's wife Shawn and Lionel Richie's ex-wife Diane are reported to have joined Priscilla in shelling out $300-$500 a pop to have car lubricant injected into their faces.

The gigolo Daniel Serrano's fake treatment reportedly led to horrible complications in some of his "patients," including lumps, paralysis and holes opening in faces. Shawn King said the stuff created a lump in her lip that made it hard for her to speak (Larry then tried to buy a whole case of it).

Priscilla herself is reportedly undergoing "corrective surgery" on her face. That guy would have to be the fucking Michelangelo of plastic surgeons to fix that messed-up mush.

A Lazy Blogger's Dream - Free, Legal South Park Clips

South Park Studios is online, which means hundreds of free, legal, embeddable South Park clips. This will be great for those terrible slow news days...like today.

I'm sure Tom Cruise is happy to hear about this by the way.

Oh Tom, you poor fool...

Demi Moore Uses Leeches to Detoxify

Demi Moore told David Letterman last night that her health regimen includes periodic trips to Austria to undergo "leech detoxification therapy," a technique that literally uses leeches to mysteriously cleanse the blood. Demi talks about this nonsense at about 3:35 of the above video. A transcript of her attempted explanation:

I’m always…looking for the cutting edge on things that are for optimizing health and healing. Just a week ago I was in Austria doing a cleanse and part of the treatments was leech therapy. These aren’t just like swamp leeches, we’re talking about highly trained medical leeches…

[Thousands of year ago] bleeding was a very common thing… it detoxifies your blood and they have a little enzyme that when they’re biting down gets released into your blood, and generally you bleed for quite a bit, and your health is optimized. It detoxifies the blood. I’m feeling very detoxified right now.

Um, Demi dear...how do the leeches detoxify your blood if they're sucking it all out? Do the "therapists" then take the cleansed blood from the leeches and inject it back into you?

Yes, Demi, clearly the medieval quack surgeons were onto something when they bled people to remove the bad humors. All the folks who died from being over-bled by those butchers...that was just an unfortunate side-effect. You know, like the occasional blindness that can come from using Viagra.

Demi ain't the brightest bulb in the strand, folks.

Jared Leto in Chapter 27

Jared Leto turned himself into a giant pigboat to play Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27. Then he lost all the weight too fast and got gout. Now the movie, which co-stars Lindsay Lohan, is finally coming out.

Obviously, Leto will not be getting an Oscar nomination for a movie released in March. So being a fatty and getting gout was all for nothing. Stupid emo putz.

Hogans Sued by Family of John Graziano

The family of John Graziano has officially sued Nick Hogan and his idiot parents Hulk and Linda over the car wreck that left Mr. Graziano a vegetable.

The lawsuit cites three counts of negligence against Hulk, one each against Linda and Nick, and one against Daniel Jacobs, the guy driving the vehicle Nick was racing at the time of the accident.

The suit claims Hulk and Linda should've known Nick was a reckless driver and done something to curtail his behind-the-wheel activities. It also claims they were aware that he was drinking on the day of the wreck.

The suit only adds to little Nicky's legal headaches - the bastard already faces a felony charge of reckless driving with serious bodily injury.

So Nick and the family get sued. And even if they lose, the money they forfeit will make only a slight dent in Hulk's fortune. Meanwhile, the lawyers get rich, and John Graziano is still drooling on himself.

Clearly, this is no fit punishment for Nick. Something much more drastic is called for. Like castration.

What am I saying...that little mutant probably doesn't even have anything to clip off.

Foot-Pedal Flusher for Your Toilet

Bending down to push and/or pull the flush-handle on your toilet can be so incredibly tiring...so why bother? Why not just have a foot-pedal that you can step on to send your shit a-swirlin' down the crapper?

Footflush...the product for germophobes and lazy asses. Just hook it to your toilet and you'll never have to make direct skin-to-skin contact with your flush-handle again.

You will, however, have to disconnect the pedal at least once every few days to wash the piss off. Unless your man has much better aim than any man I've ever known.

"Brain Dead" Man Wakes Up, Goes on Today Show

Zach Dunlap was in an ATV accident late last year, in which he suffered massive head injuries. Doctors would end up prounouncing him brain dead, and begin making preparations to harvest his organs.

Then, with his family gathered around him to say goodbye, Dunlap began moving.

He moved his foot and hand at first, then reacted to a pocketknife scraped across the bottom of his foot.

The "brain dead" Dunlap would eventually recover sufficiently to return home. Of course he and his family would be invited to appear on the Today Show to speak of their seemingly miraculous experience.

"I feel pretty good," Dunlap said in his interview, adding that he can't remember the crash that nearly killed him. "I remember a little bit that was about an hour before the accident happened. But then about six hours before that, I remember," he said.

Dunlap also remembers hearing the doctors pronounce him dead.

"I'm glad I couldn't get up and do what I wanted to do," he said.

So there you go...a brain dead man recovers and goes on the Today Show. There's hope for Perez yet.

Amy Winehouse is Killing Her Own Mother

Keeping Amy Winehouse out of trouble has been a 24/7 task lately for Amy's family members, including her mom Janis, who suffers from multiple sclerosis.

The stress of watching Amy has been so great for Janis, in fact, that she believes her MS has actually gotten worse.

As a result, Janis has had to take a break from Amy and all her crack-smoking, face-rotting, self-mutilating antics.

"I physically can't cope with all the running around [Amy's father] Mitch does to try and keep her out of trouble," Janis explained. "I had a relapse recently and I don't want another one."

Well, obviously, Janis doesn't love Amy as much as she should. If she did love Amy sufficiently, she wouldn't care about her own little piddly MS problems, but would be focused on all Amy's problems, which are a thousand times more important.

Honestly, I will never be able to comprehend how people can be so selfish. I mean, where does Janis get off, thinking her health matters when her 24-year-old daughter needs looking after?

Doesn't she know that being a parent means taking on huge responsibilities? Sure, sometimes you don't feel up to it, but that's just tough. You have to suck it up and change those diapers, sit up with them when they have the croup, kiss their self-inflicted wounds and oozing face-sores, bail them out of jail, help them find their crackpipes when they misplace them...

If Janis didn't want the bother of raising a kid (for 24 years), she shouldn't have had any in the first place.

Maggie Gyllenhaal Says Nice Things About Katie Holmes

Maggie Gyllenhaal has done a 180 on Katie Holmes, and now has nothing but nice things to say about her predecessor in the Batman series.

"I think she's a wonderful actress and I really admired the work that she did in the first Batman, but I don't think it would have worked if I tried to imitate her," Fuggenwhore told Superherohype.com. "I think the only way to do it is to do it like myself."

I guess that means Rachel Dawes will now be an ugly, lactating, terrorist-sucking bitch.

Funny that Maggie now suddenly likes Katie's work in the first film. That's quite a switch from her previous comment:

I'm not thinking of it as a role that anyone's played before. I'm not walking into Katie Holmes' performance. I'm thinking of it as an opportunity to play somebody who's alive and smart. Chris asked me to do this because he wanted me, not because he wants some generic lady in a dress.

So Katie went from a dead, stupid, generic lady in a dress to a wonderful actress. Obviously, someone at the studio got hold of Maggie and told her not to run down anything associated with the movies. This dumb bitch has a hard time holding her tongue. Almost as hard a time as I have holding down my dinner when I see a picture of her circus-freak face.

Rare Glimpse of an E-Meter

The E-Meter is what Scientologists use when auditing their members. They claim it measures the auditee's spiritual state or some such jive.

One seldom gets to see an E-Meter, cause they're so damn secret. And because if they ever fell into enemy hands it would soon become apparent that the innards are nothing but soldered-together parts left over from old toasters and transistor radios.

New BFFs: Victoria Beckham and Kate Beckinsale

Posh and Katie Holmes aren't speaking anymore after Katie called Poshy's tattoos trashy. So, the companionship-starved Poshy had to buy find herself a new best friend.

Luckily, Kate Beckinsale also lives in L.A. And she's British. And she has "Beck" in her last name. Perfecto!

And you thought the idea of Katie and Posh hanging out was mind-numbing. Just imagine the conversations these two geniuses have.

I wonder if Beckinsale has told Posh about the Pharoah's Tomb yet.

Miley Cyrus is the New Britney

Miley Cyrus is officially red meat for the pap-hordes. Her mom appears to be enjoying the attention too. It's only a matter of time before the hair gets shaved off and the umbrella comes out.

Amy Winehouse's Face Has Not Improved

Amy Winehouse's face is still a mess. That expression is priceless. She looks like some weird monkey whose heart beats like 300 times a minute. She may be a new species.

Renee Zellweger Pays Some Dude to Pretend to Be Her Boyfriend

Renee Zellweger has a new man. Oh look - they're holding hands! And she looks so happy in that completely crazed way she has of looking happy...

Is that a gut? God, what a fat cow. And that hair...

Tyra Banks Has a Very Persistent, Terrifying Stalker. Is it Wrong of Me to Root for Him?

Tyra Banks may seem like a happy-go-lucky individual, but in truth, the half-witted TV host spends her days in a state of abject terror over the giant, relentless maniac who has been stalking her.

The nutcase, Brady Green, has reportedly been following Tyra all over the country for the past several months. He began bothering her in January, calling her and mailing her letters. Then he upped the ante by sending her flowers, and showing up at a TV studio in L.A. where she was working.

But Green didn't stop there. When Trya went back to New York to work on her talk show, the loon hopped a bus and went after her. He showed up in the lobby of the Chelsea studio with a duffel bag full of magazine clippings and notes. He was told to beat it, but didn't go far: witnesses saw him sitting in a McDonald's across the street.

Cops came to the restaurant to question Green, who despite claiming to be homeless was said to be dressed neatly and casually. The cops ended up arresting him on stalking, harassment and criminal trespass charges. He appeared in court the next morning, and the judge decided to release him on his own recognizance, but issued a protection order for Tyra.

The Chelsea studio where Tyra films her show is said to have meager security. Photos of Green have been handed out, so if he shows up again people will recognize him.

And what if Green manages to get through to Tyra, and kidnaps and tortures her before tearing her heart out and eating it?

Oh man...go Brady!

Bill Gates Stiffs Prince Charles' Charity

World overlord Bill Gates has ordered his devilish Microsoft minions to withdraw their agreement to donate $2 million bucks to Prince Charles' Prince's Trust charity.

Negotiations between Microsoft and the charity were reportedly called off after Gates heard what the money was to be earmarked for, and decided the project wasn't "tightly focused enough around technology."

Microsoft denies that Gates personally stymied the contribution, saying the decision was made "at the local level."

Another example of what a tyrannical, fiendish individual Bill Gates is. Really, someone needs to stop this guy before it's too la...

J.K. Rowling Once Contemplated Suicide. Instead She Wrote Harry Potter.

Gazillionaire Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling has admitted contemplating suicide while in the throes of a post-separation depression.

"Mid-twenties, my life circumstances were poor and I really plummeted," Rowling told an Edinburgh student newspaper. "The thing that made me go for help was probably my daughter.

"She was something that earthed me, grounded me, and I thought, this isn't right, she cannot grow up with me in this state."

Rowling underwent cognitive behavioural therapy to help get her life squared away. Then she went on to create the Harry Potter series and make more money than God.

The lesson: Don't kill yourself, because you might go on to write a bunch of crap books that become a craze among teenagers and mentally-impaired adults.

The Beauty of Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman's waxy shell fell off and now we can see her true self. Frizzy-haired hag.

Moron Pays $1350 for Single Cornflake

Just how much is a single cornflake worth? If it's shaped vaguely like Illinois, and the person buying it is an utter imbecile, then the answer is $1350.

Yes, $1350 - that's how much Monty Kerr of Austin, Texas paid for a cornflake two sisters from Virginia put up on eBay.

The cornflake, which is alleged to resemble the state of Illnois, will be put in a traveling show according to Mr. Kerr.

"We're starting a collection of pop culture and Americana items," said Mr. Kerr, owner of TriviaMania.com. "We thought this was a fantastic one."

Mr. Kerr is apparently some kind of cornflake freak, having previous attempted to buy the world's largest cornflake, only to the have the thing break into three pieces during delivery.

Kerr says he will send someone to Virginia to pick up the Illinois flake by hand. Can't be too careful with your flake.

Monty Kerr...you are officially the dumbest person ever from Texas. And that's saying a lot.

Who Wants Britney's Smelly Ho-Clothes?

The producers of How I Met Your Mother have come up with a brilliant idea to raise money for charity - they're going to auction off the clothes Britney Spears wore when she appeared on the show.

Each item of Britney's show-worn clothing will come with a special letter informing the purchaser how to properly care for the item. It reads:

Congratulations! You are the proud owner of an article of clothing worn by Britney Spears when she appeared on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. We hope you enjoy your historic garment. Here are a few tips to help you maintain your new treasured possession, so that you and your descendants may enjoy it for years to come.

1. DO NOT machine-wash your garment. Gentle hand-washing with soap will be adequate
2. DO immediately spray the garment down with the strongest insecticide you can get. You may have to go military grade. It's available on the black-market. Just email pablo123@stuffyoushouldnthave.com. This is for your own safety. Those little buggers bite.
3. DO NOT expose the garment to fire. Britney's residual oils will cause it to explode with the force of a half-megaton bomb.
4. DO store the garment in a safe, climate-controlled environment, away from moths, humidity and sick perverts who will try to steal it and sew it into their own skin.
5. DO NOT allow your kids to touch, smell, taste or even look at the garment. Otherwise THEY WILL DIE.
6. DO feel free to employ the garment as a poop-rag. Trust us...it already has been.
7. DO NOT make a flag out of the garment and fly it in your front lawn. People will think you're nuts.
8. DO brag to all your friends that you have a piece of Britney Spears' clothing. You hate them anyway, and it will be a great relief when they no longer want to speak to you.
9. DO NOT allow the garment to fall into enemy hands. The chemicals they could extract from it would allow them to create a weapon so terrible it would make the Death Star look like a pea-shooter.
10. DO get a grip on reality. I mean, I know it's for charity...but you just bought Britney Spears' shirt. Dude, you are laaaaame.

Amy Winehouse May Be in Trouble

Amy Winehouse's incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil is threatening to drag his ever-more-messed-up wife down into oblivion with him.

According to the Sun, Blake has been trying to swing a deal with a drug pusher inside Pentonville prison, which would involve Amy making deposits into the dealer's bank account in order for Blake to get heroin.

Unfortunately, the prison is onto Blake. Pentonville's security chief recently sent a letter to Blake's lawyers that read, “There is strong and supported intelligence he is involved in attempting to smuggle drugs into the prison.”

Amy sure knows how to pick 'em, eh?

Haven't seen any pictures of Amy lately...does she still have a face or has her "impetigo" caused it to rot all the way off?

Eh...might be an improvement.

Barack Obama Asks: Are You a Typical White Person?

1. You talk in a high, screechy voice that gets even higher and screechier when you express your outrage over something Al Sharpton said.

2. You've seen Wedding Crashers more than once.

3. You've finished 708th in a marathon where places 1-707 were taken by Kenyans.

4. You're not in prison.

5. You don't find D.L. Hughley the least bit funny.

6. You thought Imus got screwed.

7. You've never had sex with Kim Kardashian.

8. You found Juno to be an uncannily accurate representation of everyday life.

9. You just don't get all the fuss over Tyler Perry.

10. Barack Obama makes you more than vaguely uncomfortable.

Poshy's New Marc Jacobs Ad

Victoria Beckham's new Marc Jacobs ad. They dressed Poshy up like this as a joke but she didn't get that it was a joke and acted all serious like she was being artsy and they were all totally laughing the whole time and afterward she was like, "Wha? Wha? Whazza matta with you rottahs? Someone get my managah on the phone. I won't tolerate this!"

Jonathan Rhys Meyers - Nice Facial Hair and Drug-Face

Cheesy facial hair and druggie-been-up-for-three-days eyes. Oh yeah...sexah.

Angelina Jolie Stars in Faintly Weird New Japanese Commercial

Angie stars in a commercial for eyecolor. This is pretty straight-forward for a Japanese commercial but still vaguely odd.

Dog Runs on Beach

All dog-owners know...your pooch is never happier than when it can get outside in the open spaces and run.

A dog loves nothing more than the feeling of the wind blowing through its hair.

So, remember dog-lovers...take your four-legged friend out to the beach this summer! But remember, always clean up after your pooch.

Someone Hasn't Been Sleeping Enough...

Why does Jennifer Aniston look so tired on the set of Marley and Me?

A. Owen Wilson has been fucking her all night long.
B. All that crying eventually takes its toll.
C. She's been wearing out her new nuclear-powered, space-aged super-vibrator.
D. It's hard work being a bitch.
E. Hating Angelina is a 24/7 job, and Jen is incredibly dedicated.

Girl in Lindsay Blow-Job Pics isn't Lindsay

TMZ has revealed that the girl in the alleged Lindsay Lohan sex tape pics isn't Lindsay but some anonymous whore from Illinois who just looks like Lindsay, especially if it's a really bad picture.

Some schmo at TMZ apparently went to the trouble of searching all over the net, and found the actual video the "Lindsay" still was taken from. It's just home-made porno someone posted on Xtube. So, Lindsay's off the hook. Again.

Scary Snowman

It's like Paris's beak grew into a whole head and then someone made a snowman of it.

Woman Hides Car Keys in Vagina to Keep from Being Nabbed for Drunk Driving

38-year-old Jennifer Lowry was driving around drunk with her kids in the car. Police pulled her over, and as she already had one drunk driving charge hanging over her, she knew she was screwed unless she acted fast.

Jennifer then remembered what a friend had told her: that you can't be charged with drunk driving if the cops can't find the keys on you. So, Jennifer hurriedly hid her keys in the only handy place she had:

Her vagina.

Unfortunately for Jennifer, the police are not so easily fooled. They hauled her into the station and searched her, and discovered the keys stashed up her no doubt very large and echoey female opening. They also discovered fifty bucks, half a ham sandwich and a copy of Vogue from 1997.

During Jennifer's hearing, chair of the bench Gerard Canavan chastised, "That you were drink driving with two young children on a second drink driving offence beggars belief."

It shouldn't beggar belief though, Mr. Canavan. Cause clearly, Jennifer is capable of just about anything.

Britney on How I Met Your Mother

A couple short clips of Britney on How I Met Your Mother. Don't know if these will make the show or are outtakes or what. She sucks.

Osama Bin Laden Calls Out the Pope

Osama Bin Laden has a beef with Pope Benedict.

In a taped message released today, the terrorist mastermind behind 9/11 accused the leader of the Catholic church of starting a new crusade against Islam.

Bin Laden then sent a warning to European publications that publish cartoons depicting the prophet Muhammad.

"You went overboard in your unbelief and freed yourselves of the etiquettes of dispute and fighting and went to the extent of publishing these insulting drawings," Bin Laden raved. "This is the greater and more serious tragedy, and reckoning for it will be more severe."

Eat shit and die dirty Muhammad-sucking fuck.

I apologize if the preceding sentence was offensive to Muslims.

Also, Pope Benedict the former Nazi and probable kitten-murderer can go suck cock for all I care.

I apologize if the preceding sentence was offensive to Catholics.

Sorry, but I'm tired of religious nuts. I just want some damn peace and quiet on my planet, okay?

Mary-Kate Olsen and Her John

Hookers have been in the news a lot lately. Ashley Alexandra Dupre. George Clooney's girlfriend. Diablo Cody. It's all hookers, hookers, hookers...

And speaking of hookers...here's Mary-Kate Olsen and one of her johns.

"And then I said to her, 'What the fuck do you want me to do? Give him CPR over the phone?' And she was like all wigging out and shit, and I was like, 'Totally call 911 already, I mean jeeeeeeez.'"

Newsflash: British Kids Are Also Stupid

One-in-three British primary school students thinks Winston Churchill was the first man on the moon, a new survey by the Royal Astronomical Society has shown.

40% of little U.K. spawn also think the Earth is not a planet, and that Mars is only a chocolate bar.

But apparently it's not only kids who are dumb in Britain, it's the adults too. Another recent poll found that 25% of Britons think Winston Churchill never existed.

Are you sure Marion Cotillard is really French? Cause I think she may be a Brit who is only pretending to be French.

Video: Woman Killed by Stingray

Some poor sunbathing woman was killed in Miami when a stingray jumped into her boat and impaled her neck with its barb. Steve Irwin now has a girlfriend in heaven.

Steve-O Was an Alky from Infancy

Steve-O has gone from outrageous jackass to blubbering pansy.

The self-harming dipshit, who was recently admitted to a mental health facility and put on suicide watch, has posted on his MySpace blog about his new-found desire to live:

I'm not ready to die. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to breathe (properly, even). I'm ready to fall in love. I'm ready to become ready to start a family. I'm ready to be happy, fulfilled and meaningful.

Good luck with that.

Steve-O continues:

It is not my intention to glorify my history as a drug abuser with elaborate stories about having sex in lavatories on airplanes after snorting amphetamines off the toilet at the tender age of seventeen.

Mom was very alcoholic, and I feel that is a gross understatement. I know I was always powerless over alcoholism, because it had such a grip on Mom’s adulthood and my childhood, and I never chose to fight it. Until now.

We were frequently on airplanes and, before Mom and Dad would find themselves in the embarrassing position of being caught by other passengers with a crying baby, I was fed alcohol.

You were fed alcohol...when banging your head against the seat would've been so much more effective.

Okay Steve-O, we know...you're a sad pathetic case who's now ready to turn his life around. I'd give you a medal if I didn't think you'd try to pin it to the inside of your colon.

Boyfriend of Woman Stuck on Toilet for 2 Years Faces Charges

That evil Kansas dipshit who let his clearly mentally incapacitated girlfriend sit on the toilet long enough for the seat to get stuck to her ass has been charged with endangering a dependent adult.

The idiot, Kory McFarren, said his girlfriend Pam Babcock refused to leave the bathroom because she was phobic. When confronted about his stupidity, McFarren said, "The only thing I am guilty of is I didn't get her help sooner."

I seriously doubt that's the only thing you're guilty of Kory, but in this case, it's really the only point that matters.

Yeah, dildock, you're guilty of not getting her help sooner. You left her on the toilet for two fucking years!

Babcock is still in the hospital, and may be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life due to nerve damage. At least she's already used to sitting. So that's one good thing...

Lindsay Lohan Blow-Job Pics

Someone claims to have a Lindsay Lohan sex-tape. All we've seen so far are grainy images like the above which purport to show Lindsay sucking some guy off. The Blow blows.

Sadly, this sex tape is probably the best film Lindsay has been in for years. And many more people will see it than saw Georgia Rule or I Know Who Killed Me.

Lindsay has also been photographed sporting a ring with the letters "SR" on it, which everyone is saying stands for "Samantha Ronson."



The ring is distracting everyone from the really disturbing thing about this picture - Lindsay. That is some limp hair. Clearly, the reason she digs Ronson so much is that, at this point, no one else will have her. She's reduced to licking fugly, soulless lesbos.

South Park Britney Episode

The South Park boys turned their attention on the on-going Britney Spears saga last night. In the episode, Kyle and Stan try to save Britney, who is being heinously exploited by everyone. At one point Britney blows the top of her head off with a shotgun but doesn't die. So she spends the rest of the show with nothing but the bottom part of her head remaining - this to emphasize what a helpless victim Britney is.

South Park is still a good show, but it has gotten awfully preachy in recent years as many people have pointed out. That wasn't really my problem with the Brit episode though...no, my problem with it was that it icked me out, then depressed me.

Sorry, but Britney with her head blown off is not funny. And yes, I get that it wasn't really meant to be funny...it was meant to be more pathetic. But it was also gross and unsettling and made me feel vaguely ashamed. And I don't need that shit.

Miley Cyrus Humps Tainted Merchandise

Hannah Montana is trying to kill your children, and not just with her music either.

According to the non-federal Center for Environment Health, five Chinese-made products in the Hannah Montana line have tested positive for lead - as much as 14 times the federal limit.

Disney, when contacted about this, blubbered some shit about the people who make their products being required to meet product safety standards.

Now will people wake up and realize that Disney is another unscrupulous corporation that cares nothing about them? And that Miley Cyrus is as an agent of evil who must be stopped at all costs?

Boston Wants to Ban Phone Books

Phone books have basically become obsolete. Nevertheless, every year, someone goes around leaving them on our stoops or shoving them in our mailboxes.

At last, our politicians have begun taking a stand against the evil of the unsolicited phone book. Boston Councilor Salvatore LaMattina is leading the fight.

"The taxpayers end up paying for this stuff to be carted off and recycled," LaMattina raged. "It's a waste of paper. It's a waste of money."

LaMattina has proposed fines for any company that delivers unrequested packages weighing more than a pound. Damn straight!

Fucking phone books...they aren't even hard enough to use as sofa-props. And no matter how you cook them, they end up tasting like wet paper.

Pastor Killed by Satanic Goat

A 76-year-old pastor in Montgomery County, Tennessee died while trying to wrestle his goat into its pen.

"Nobody saw what happened but the lead line he had around the goat got wrapped around his foot. We are guessing that he tripped and fell," said Bobby Richardson, son of the victim Rev. Liston Richardson.

The pastor suffered a heart attack while attempting to extricate himself from his predicament.

Clearly, the goat was a minion of Satan. That was why it had to be shot afterward.

Amy Winehouse Naked

Amy Winehouse is naked in Easy Living magazine. It was supposedly done for charity. Right. Every time a celeb gets naked, it's for charity.

Judging by that picture, I'd say there's a distinct possibility Amy had no idea she was naked. Also, she may not have known where she was. She may not have known who she was either. Or what she was.

Thank goodness there's tape over her nipples, otherwise that pic would've been really wrong.

Congratulations Kristin Davis - The World Cared About You for a Minute

Kristin Davis's old boyfriend, some dirtbag chef, gave pictures of her blowing him to someone and then that person had them stolen and now one of them is on my site.

Kristin's belly looks like it has its own mouth, which I have to admit would be convenient...much more direct path to the stomach.

This bitch is boring and will always be boring. But, for a couple of days she was all over the Internet and the TV. And it's a coincidence that this happened a few months ahead of the release of the Sex and the City movie. Sure. Uh-huh.

Who Put Lipstick on That Dog?

Tori Spelling, why do you insist on continuing to plague us with your presence? Why is it that none of you quasi-celebs can ever just figure out the world doesn't care about you and go away? Why did you make a dress out of a tall kitchen bag? Why Tori...just, why?

Badly-Lit Scarlett Johansson Album Pics

These are pics from Scarlett Johansson's photo session for her new album of Tom Waits covers. There are more of them but I was too lazy to save them (if you must see them, go here).

She looks like she's being abducted by aliens in the first one. Then the aliens realized how boring she is and dumped her ass. The second one looks like the generic cover for some compilation of '80s love songs. Air Supply! Foreigner! Toto! Asia! All the shit that sucked the first time, re-packaged and sold as a nostalgic trip back to when everyone wore big shoulder-pads, snorted blow and thought Patrick Duffy was hot as fuck!

People Magazine Thinks You're Dying to See Jennifer Lopez's Twins

They're here ... and they're cute! Check back Thursday morning at 7 a.m. ET as PEOPLE.com unveils a world exclusive: Jennifer Lopez's babies on the cover of this week's PEOPLE magazine.

Um...I'm supposed to get up at 7 in the fucking morning to click on People.com and see Jennifer Lopez's tit-monkeys? I don't think so.

10 Things I'd Wake Up at 7 in the Morning to Do Before I'd Wake Up to See J-Ho's Twins:

1. Kill myself.
2. Kill everyone else around me.
3. Perform penis surgery on myself.
4. Watch Rachael Ray.
5. Listen to Perez Hilton explain the Theory of Relativity.
6. Eat a big bowl of monkey feces.
7. Have sex with Bill O'Reilly.
8. Have tea with Keira Knightley.
9. Have breakfast with Rachael Ray, Keira Knightley and Heather Mills.
10. Sniff vag.

Seal Gets Mad at Paps

Seal loses it on the paps outside Madeo. Dang Seal. Take a cheeeel peeeeel.

Why don't you ask your mother how I feel. Good one Seal.

Not!

Heidi Klum keeps her mouth shut. Just like at home.

Bindi Irwin Wants to be President. Of What, Freaksylvania?

Bindi Irwin has big plans for her future...and they don't involve being killed by animals like her lunkhead father.

No, rather than die an unfortunate, early death, Bindi would rather focus her attention on conservation. And the best way to accomplish this, she thinks, is to run for office.

"Hopefully I can be president or prime minister," Bindi told the Sydney Daily Telegraph. "I've listened to everybody but they are talking about jobs, houses, developments, money, money and more money — there is nothing about conservation. We really do need to start doing something, we can't eat money in the long run."

Actually Bindi, we can eat money...we just can't derive any nutrition from it.

Aw, I think it's adorable that Bindi is so politically active at such a young age. She's like a little real-life Lisa Simpson. Except she doesn't play the saxophone. I don't think.

Okay, everyone picks on Bindi...but I don't think it's fair. She's just trying to expand on the wonderful positive messages her father worked so hard to put out. Like, "Teasing animals is fun," and "Tormenting lower species is a great way to make a living."

Oh shut up...you know Steve Irwin started out pulling the wings off of flies. Then that got boring so he started burying squirrels up to their necks and wacking their heads with rocks. It was poetic justice when he got killed by that stingray, is all I'm saying.

Bindi, she hasn't been stung or hit by anything yet...except the ugly-stick.

Shiloh: One Happy Camper

Why is Shiloh crying?

A. She feels so bad for all the poor starving children that her mother has not yet saved.
B. Zahara just bit her ear off.
C. Angelina's hip bone stabbed her in the leg.
D. She just saw herself in a mirror.
E. She wants to go home to her nice, safe, warm cage.

(Thanks Roxy)

Ashley Alexandra Dupre Also Did it With Charlie Sheen

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the skank at the center of the Eliot Spitzer prostitution fiasco, was also once sent in a cheerleader outfit to service world-class horndog Charlie Sheen.

Dupre was reportedly dispatched two years ago to Sheen's home along with two other girls, who had to dress as cheerleaders and chant Charlie's name. For this, Sheen paid $20,000.

Charlie also allegedly pretended to be a porn director, and had the girls perform lesbian acts on each other.

"They loved Charlie," pimp Jason Itzler told a reporter. "They said he was a great guy. A great lover."

Everyone loves Charlie. And Charlie loves everyone...who is willing to have sex with him for money.

Heather Mills is Mature as Well as Beautiful

It wasn't enough for Heather Mills to get almost $50 million in her divorce settlement with Paul McCartney - she also had to show everyone who's boss by dumping a pitcher of water on the head of McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton in court.

Mills, who is clearly off the rails, reportedly declared that Shackleton had been "baptised in court" after throwing the water over her head. The court sketch artist reproduced Mills's idiotic act:



Now Mills is ramping up her feud with Shackleton even further by reporting her to the Law Society for allegedly calling Heather bad names during the proceedings.

Again, Mills is painting herself as the poor victim of persecution. Apparently she thinks divorce proceedings aren't supposed to be unpleasant.

Meanwhile, the judge in the case has issued his full ruling, and Heather does not come off well. The judge said of Heather's case overall:

The husband’s evidence was, in my judgment, balanced. He expressed himself moderately though at times with justifiable irritation, if not anger. He was consistent, accurate and honest.

But I regret to have to say I cannot say the same about the wife’s evidence. Having watched and listened to her give evidence, having studied the documents, and having given in her favour every allowance for the enormous strain she must have been under (and in conducting her own case) I am driven to the conclusion that much of her evidence, both written and oral, was not just inconsistent and inaccurate but also less than candid. Overall she was a less than impressive witness.

On Heather's assertion that Paul didn't support her charity work:

I have to say that the facts as I find them to be do not support the wife’s case. Within two months of the parties meeting in May 1999 the husband donated £150,000 to the wife’s charity (the Heather Mills Health Trust). In December 2002 and again in December 2003 the husband made a gift of £250,000 outright to the wife, thus plainly giving her the opportunity to make donations to charity.

He also rejected Heather's claim that she contributed "exceptionally" to the marriage:

In my judgment the picture painted by the husband of the wife’s part in his emotional and professional life is much closer to reality than the wife’s account. The wife, as the husband said, enjoys being the centre of attention. Her presence on his tours came about because she loved the husband, enjoyed being there and because she thoroughly enjoyed the media and public attention. I am prepared to accept that her presence was emotionally supportive to him but to suggest that in some way she was his “business partner” is, I am sorry to have to say, make-belief.

The judge also questioned Heather's future earning potential, but denied her claim that she will be utterly unable to get work:

I accept that since April 2006 the wife has had a bad press. She is entitled to feel that she has been ridiculed even vilified. To some extent she is her own worst enemy. She has an explosive and volatile character. She cannot have done herself any good in the eyes of potential purchasers of her services as a TV presenter, public speaker and a model, by her outbursts in her TV interviews in October and November 2007. Nevertheless the fact is that at present she is at a disadvantage.

However:

Her evidence there that she had turned down huge amounts of work is quite inconsistent with her assertion that her earning capacity is zero.

I have no doubt that, despite the very adverse publicity in the last 2 years or a little under, the wife does have an earning capacity. She has earned her living since the age of 17. I have found that her association with the husband advanced, not stultified, her career.

If in the future she is circumspect about engaging with the media and/or adopts an emollient and less confrontational attitude to it, I think that the negative interest shown towards her will indeed subside.

He also ripped Heather's exaggerated claims of her financial requirements:

These items in her budget which I have touched upon above, illustrate generally speaking, how unreasonable (even generously interpreted) are the claimed needs of the wife. In the absence of any sensible proposal by the wife as to her income needs I must do the best I can on the material I have.

If the wife feels aggrieved about what I propose she only has herself to blame. If, as she has done, a litigant flagrantly over-eggs the pudding and thus deprives the court of any sensible assistance, then he or she is likely to find that the court takes a robust view and drastically prunes the proposed budget.

Sounds to me like Heather lost. Of course, Heather herself claims that she won, and said yesterday in her rant outside the courtroom that when the full ruling came out it would paint her unfairly as the loser. Apparently, Heather thinks the judge is in on some kind of conspiracy against her, because the British court system doesn't want people representing themselves. She's the victim. Blah blah...

Amy Winehouse's Face is Rotting Off

Amy Winehouse's impetigo is getting worse. Now I think she may actually have things living under her skin. Little colonies of creepy-crawlies. Perhaps she could write a song about them. Her little friends that live under her epidermis, and sometimes talk to her.

Heather Mills Reacts to Her $50 Million Settlement

Oh yeah Heather...you needed the money for your "charities." All the ones you plan on starting "in the future."

And she bitches about all the money the lawyers were going to charge her, and that's why she had to defend herself. Bullshit! She had to defend herself because she got dropped by the law-firm for hurting her own case with her stupid television rants.

Now Heather says she's going to appeal the release of the full judgment because it contains sensitive information about her daughter. Bullshit! She doesn't want it released because she's afraid it will make her look like she lost. And she did lose. Fuck sake...she asked for 125 million pounds and had to settle for a little under 25 million. I don't know honey...that sounds like losing to me.

And she goes on and on about how wonderful she is for representing herself and how "they" didn't want her succeed. Yes Heather...again you are the victim of persecution. "They" are trying to stop you from getting something but "they" can't because you are so heroic and strong and "they" are so corrupt and evil.

My God, this woman's delusions know no bounds.

Newsflash: Michael Stipe is Gay

R.E.M. singer Michael Stipe has decided to come clean about his gayness after years of staying mum about it.

"It was super complicated for me in the ’80s," Stipe told Spin. "I was totally open with the band and my family and my friends and certainly the people I was sleeping with. I thought it was pretty obvious."

Uh, yup...

Michael explains why he didn't say anything sooner:

"I’d just never felt strongly enough about a particular relationship to say, 'Yeah, he’s my boyfriend, that is what it is.’ Now I recognize that to have public figures be very open about their sexuality helps some kid somewhere out there.”

Yeah, we're happy for you Michael. Whatever. Your band still sucks.

Angelina is Trying to Turn Shiloh into Britney

Shiloh doesn't get cookies...but she does get Cheetos.

As far as I know, that is a new bag of Cheetos. It wasn't one Angie found in the backseat of the car, down on the floor. It isn't filled with Cheetos Angie dug out of the cracks of the couch.

Not to be mean, but am I the only one who thinks Shiloh has a suspiciously large forehead? Look at the protrusion. She looks like the dude on Outer Limits who used the evolution machine to go forward to when humans had big huge pulsating brains. Plus her hair looks fucked up. Angie needs to do something about that.

Hugh Jackman Is Large

Hugh Jackman plays on the beach with his adopted Samoan kid or whatever the fuck the little bugger is supposed to be. Is Hugh planning on entering Mr. Universe at some time in the near future?

Michelle Williams Does NOT Want Her Picture Taken

Michelle Williams throws the paps a withering glare. Honestly guys...Heath Ledger is dead. So, there's really no reason for anyone to care about Michelle Williams anymore.

Brandon Davis Steals Watch, Cries

Just when you thought Brandon Davis couldn't get any lower, he shows you that there is in fact no limit to how low he can go.

Davis, the cash-strapped oil heir, has pretty much alienated everyone in his life, including former pal Paris Hilton, who is so sick of Greasy that she recently barred him from entering an L.A. Fashion Week event she was participating in. Still, there was one guy left in the world who would give Brandon a place to crash - music producer Scott Storch.

I say "was" because, after what Davis did to Storch, I doubt the festering sore will be welcome within Storch's walls ever again. According to PageSix.com, Davis took advantage of Storch's hospitality recently by absconding with a $100,000 watch Scott was silly enough to leave sitting around while Davis was bivouacking on his sofa.

Storch, taking pity on Mr. Davis, elected not to call the police, but called Davis himself, and informed the Greasy one that he had caught the watch-theft with his new security cameras. Brandon reportedly started crying and begging Storch not to turn him in. Within the hour, Davis had returned the watch, and Storch let him off.

When reached for comment, Storch would only say enigmatically: "I heard about this. Give peace a chance."

Naw Scott...you should've had someone cap his ass.

Britney's Weekend: Kids, Mel Gibson, Running a Red Light

Britney Spears got to hang out with her kids this weekend. Of course she made her father Jamie push the stroller...Britney loves the buggers but there's a limit.

After getting done with her kids, Britney went to dinner with Mel Gibson. Yes, I said it...Mel Gibson.

Why the fuck was Britney having dinner with Mel Gibson? Were they trying to bring on the Apocalypse? No. Apparently, Mel and his family have taken an interest in Britney's plight. Mel has had his own problems with substance-abuse of course, so that makes him eminently qualified to help Britney battle her demons.

Oh man...the Catholics have gotten their hooks back into Britney. This is going to make Madonna soooo mad.




The good news: Britney has drivers now. The bad news: They can't drive worth a damn either.

Yes, Britney's driver got pulled over...for running a red light. You just know Britney was ordering the guy from the back. "If you don't make Rite Aid soon I'm gonna piss my pants. Again."

Paul and Heather Arrive at Court

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are both heavily medicated as they arrive at court to hear the judge's final decision on their divorce settlement. It's believed Paul will have to fork over in the neighborhood of $50 million, which is not really that big a deal since he has almost $2 billion. Mills' first move after claiming her roughly $25 million initial lump sum payment will be to buy herself a solid gold bed-pan.

Jennifer Aniston Ass-Shot

Jennifer Aniston had no idea a camera was on her when she turned around in her little bikini. Sure.

Cheap attention-whore.

Nicole Kidman Thinks Renee Zellweger is Too Skinny

Nicole Kidman thinks Renee Zellweger is too skinny, and has told her Cold Mountain co-star and friend to put on weight or else.

"Nicole was lost for words when she and Renée met up in Los Angeles the Friday before the Oscars for a bite to eat," a source said.

"Although they’re in regular contact by phone it’s been a few months since they got together in person. During that time, Renée’s been working out like a fiend. The muscles around her shoulders are bulging, her arms are veiny and popping with muscle and her clothes hang off her body. She doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her.

"Nicole was so concerned that she ordered on Renée’s behalf, telling the waiter to bring a cheeseburger with fries - even though Renée had just ordered a salad for herself."

Kidman is convinced that Renee's insanity about her weight is affecting her love-life.

"She gives Renée little nudges hinting that she’ll find a boyfriend when she gains some weight," the source said. "Nicole keeps telling Renée: 'Men like woman with a bit of meat on their bones’. Hopefully when she’s a bit more relaxed about her shape, she’ll find a man.”

Nicole - men also like a woman who's capable of moving her facial muscles. Except Keith Urban, apparently.

They also like a woman who doesn't seem like she'd stick a knife between their shoulderblades at the slightest provocation. Renee's crazy, is what I'm trying to say.

Maybe you should have your bodyguard go to work for her as her dietician. If she doesn't eat he beats the crap out of her. If she eats too much he beats the crap out of her. If she just sits there doing nothing, he beats the crap out of her...

Denise Richards Chugs Some Crazy Juice

Oh man...that elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. That elevator doesn't even get out of the lobby.

That elevator has fallen through the floor into the basement.

Eva Longoria's "Birthday Cake"

"Oh, Tony put a strawberry on top of it for me this time. Gosh I hope he didn't eat cucumbers again...I hate those damn seeds..."

Nicky Hilton Brings the Fug

Are you sure Marilyn Manson didn't father Nicky Hilton?

Jessica Alba is a Horrible Actress

Jessica Alba struggles to act amused by the antics of Mike Myers, with whom she co-stars in some new movie.

I thought Myers had an aversion to physical contact. No, I read that somewhere...he doesn't like people touching him.

Alba now knows how that feels.

Nicole Kidman's Bodyguard Beats Up Photographer

Bo-toxed freak Nicole Kidman's bodyguard took after a pap, and it wasn't pretty. The photographer, a 53-year-old dude, got the crap kicked out of him. Photos and videos are here.

There's no truth, as far as I know, to the rumor that the photographer was actually hired by Tom Cruise.

Patrick Swayze Smokes a Butt

Patrick Swayze was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The first report was that he was on the verge of death, then his doctor said he was responding to treatment and had a chance to recover.

I don't believe the doctor...not after seeing this picture. If there was any hope for Swayze he wouldn't be smoking. His doctors wouldn't let him smoke. Other people in his life wouldn't let him smoke.

The cigarette says to me that he knows it's over, so what the fuck's the difference.

Jamie Lynn, the Happy Ho

Brazen hussy Jamie Lynn Spears smiles in the face of people's scorn.

I swear, I think Jamie Lynn already popped out the one kid, and is onto her second. Little bitch has a whole brood already, tucked away some place.

Heather Mills Gets Near-$100 Million Settlement from Paul McCartney

Heather Mills's plan to soak Paul McCartney for as much as she could get came to final fruition today when a judge ruled Mills should receive 46 million pounds, or almost $100 million.

Heather will get an immediate 25 million pounds and the rest in 1.5 million pound payments for maintenance of her and Paul's daughter Beatrice. Heather had been seeking 2.5 million pounds for Beatrice but will somehow have to make it on the 1.5.

So Heather got her money...now will she please just go the fuck away? Forever.

Somehow I doubt it.

No (RANT ALERT), Heather is clearly not motivated by money alone. She wants fame. Ms. Mills is the very definition of an attention-whore. She craves adoration, but like so many soulless fame-junkies, inspires mostly loathing in those whose sympathy she attempts to garner.

I'm afraid we have not seen or heard the last of Mills. She will probably try to get away from it all now, take her money and go live the lavish lifestyle she thinks she's entitled to, but eventually she'll get the itch again. And I don't mean in her stump. I mean the itch to make people pay attention to her and tell her how wonderful she is. She'll be back somewhere fighting for some dopey cause, trying to be the new, monopede Princess Diana.

If we're lucky, one of Heather's phony philanthropic enterprises will backfire on her. The baby seals will gang up on her and eat her to death. Or some minefield she's visiting will spontaneously blow up, scattering her disgusting body to the four winds.

We can only hope.

New Rihanna Song: Take a Bow

I can't stand this fake neo-R&B shit, but some people like it, so here it is: Rihanna's Take a Bow.

Check Out These Other Great Sites...

Just so all you folks who link the Crabster don't think I'm forgettin' ya...

The Dirty Disher (as if you need anymore traffic)
DD and Crabbie's Gossip Smackdown
Gravy and Biscuits
Backseat Cuddler (Jebbica, you practically write the whole Internet, don't you?)
FemaleFirst (join the boards, rip Angelina)

I probably left out some people. If I did...you'll live.

Britney Spears Happy Talk Rolls On

Britney Spears landed herself a guest spot on the show How I Met Your Mother, and spent the last couple of days shooting. Clearly, the network sent a memo out to the other cast-members telling them to spread a bunch of manure about Britney. From star Alyson Hannigan:

She was lovely.

She’s just a person — so sweet and funny. We just talked about our clothes and dogs, and it was surprisingly just normal.

Britney and normal - two great tastes that would taste great together, if only their combination did not defy every law of chemistry.

Jason Segel had this to say about the Shitster:

She’s beautiful. You know, I was so focused on her hair that I’m overwhelmed with adjectives! She was great and lovely.

"Great and lovely." Clearly, you are overwhelmed with adjectives Jason. Not very interesting or descriptive ones, but still.

Unfortunately for my ability to believe a word any of these dorks utter, Segel said the following about Brit's acting ability:

She was great. She was better than all five of us, so I guess that says a lot.

I know you sitcom actors aren't exactly Shakespearean, but come on...she was better than all five of you? Really? You expect me to believe that? You expect me not to see that as mere network-ordered hype?

Here's Codie Smulders:

She was very professional and her comedic timing was great!

And when one of the crew members sprained an ankle, Britney healed it by shaking her dandruff onto it.

The cast is also denying rumors that Alicia Silverstone dropped out of the show after hearing Britney would be in her episode. I totally believe the Silverstone thing though. She's a PETA person and the PETA people hate Britney. I don't know why they hate her though. I mean, who pampers their animals like Britney? She wipes up their shit with Chanel dresses for God's sake. You'd think PETA would want to give Britney an award for that.

John Graziano's Family Tells Hogans to Beat it

Nick Hogan and the rest of his evil family are no longer welcome at the bedside of John Graziano, the man Nick nearly killed in a car wreck last year.

The Grazianos' decision stemmed directly from the Valentine's Day incident, shown in the photograph above, which saw Nick Hogan and his vile mother and sister bringing gifts to the vegetative John. The photos ran all over the Web, and convinced the Grazianos that the Hogans were only using these visits to John to make themselves look more sympathetic.

"We believe that it was a total (public relations) stunt," the Grazianos' attorney Kimberley Kohn said of the Valentine's Day visit.

A lawyer for the Hogans struck back, saying, "The Bollea family has been visiting John for the last seven or eight months, and there's been no PR about it whatsoever. It's a bunch of nonsense to suggest their visits to John are a PR stunt. That's crazy."

Oh please...of course the visits were PR stunts. Why else would they walk right out in the open with their big, obvious gifts? "Hey, look at us, we're bringing cheap shit to the guy one of us nearly killed. This should make him feel lots better, even though he's almost brain dead and will spend the rest of his life not being able to speak or think or even shit right."

The Hogans make me sicker than almost anyone else on earth. They are rank. Hulk Hogan should never have been allowed to spread his steroid-damaged seed. Now we've got Brooke and Nick, the extra-chromosome twins, running around like they're the shit. Well you're not the shit...you are just plain shit.

Chris Rock-Anthony Pellicano Tape - Scummy is Too Weak a Word

Former P.I. to the stars Anthony Pellicano is on trial for wiretapping and racketeering. Hollywood has long dreaded this trial. A lot of big-wigs used Pellicano's services over the years, and it's been feared that plenty of dirt would come out. Well, it's starting to come out.

Apparently, comedian Chris Rock once used Pellicano to help him squirm free after a woman he was boning accused him of rape. There's tape of Rock discussing the situation with Mr. Pellicano:

Is there anything so amusing as a Hollywood phony who's afraid for their career?

Crazy Dog Thinks its Own Leg is Trying to Steal its Bone

Schizo dog. Nice people sitting there giggling.

DD and Crabbie's Gossip Smackdown

All right...somehow I was talked into doing a co-blog with The Dirty Disher. It's nothing fancy, just us rapping and posting our silly banter. We don't know how often we'll post there or if we'll even keep doing the thing...it's just for us to goof off really, and frankly I don't care if you go there or if you like it or what.

It's called DD and Crabbie's Gossip Smackdown. It's really misnamed though because we don't really smack down. We're quite polite.

Steve-O in Hospital, On Suicide Watch

Professional worm-eating fucktard Steve-O has reportedly been in Cedars Sinai's Thalian Mental Health Center since Sunday. Star Magazine says the Jackass hooligan is on suicide watch. TMZ says he has been charged with cocaine possession.

I say let him die.

Seriously...here's a chance for someone to make the world a better place. Some nurse there at the booby-hatch...just a little poison in his IV. Don't worry, you won't go to jail. You'll be given a medal and your own TV show.

Miley Cyrus Gives the Pedos Their Money's Worth

Miley Cyrus has all the pedos' hearts pounding at the Houston Rodeo.

Houston Rodeo? Billy Ray...you really want your 15-year-old daughter prancing around like that in front of a bunch of drunken cowboys? That's how Jamie Lynn wound up in her predicament, you know.

Charles, Camilla and a Bunch of Rastafarians

That's some mighty fine dope, eh Charles?

Amy Winehouse's Father Admits That He Probably Screwed Her Up

Amy Winehouse's life is the biggest disaster since the Hindenburg. And now we know why...it's all her father's fault.

Amy's old man, Mitch Winehouse, has come clean about cheating on Amy's mom Janis. Mitch says he started fucking around shortly after Amy was born, and carried on the affair for years. He has since left Janis and married the mistress, Jane, who was referred to as "Daddy's Work Wife" by Amy and her brother Alex when they were kids.

Mitch says he didn't think his break-up with Janis had much effect on Amy at the time.

"[Amy] definitely became a lot more independent [after the divorce]. ... I thought Amy was over [the affair] pretty quickly – in fact it felt at the time Amy felt no effect at all. Maybe she could not articulate it in words, but she certainly did it with music."

Mitch also sort of takes responsibility for turning Amy into the mess she is today.

"It is easy for me to say it is my fault, and that had I been a better parent this would not have happened. But who knows whether it would or not?"

Nah Mitch - I'm sure it didn't hurt Amy at all having a cheating dog dad and a mom who made her wear ballet slippers.

Is Rachael Ray About to Get Fired?

Rachael Ray's reign of terror as a television twit may be at an end.

Page 6 reports today that Ray's syndicated show will not be picked up for another season by King World after the hostess's current contract expires. Ray's ratings have dipped to 2.0 this year after hovering around 2.2 in 2007. Compare that to Dr. Phil's average of 5.0, and consider that Ray's show is actually more expensive to produce...well, there you have the crux of the situation.

Ray's TV fortunes are not being helped any by the fact that everyone who works with her hates her.

Marie Osmond is reportedly being lined up by King World as Ray's successor. Osmond was last seen faking a faint on Dancing With the Stars, and blaming it on the smoke from the wildfires.

Yes, Marie Osmond may be even more vile than Rachael Ray. And that's saying something.

Woman Sits on Toilet for Two Years. Boyfriend Attempts to Explain. This Oughta Be Good...

A woman sits on her boyfriend's toilet for two years. Her skin actually grows around the edge of the seat, turning her and the toilet into some kind of bizarre hybrid.

Her boyfriend knew she was in there...it was his toilet; he was bound to notice. He kept bringing her food and water for two years, and occasionally he would ask her if she wanted to come out, but she would always say "maybe later." It took this guy two years to finally get around to calling someone.

This all happened in Kansas - one of the states that wants to ban the teaching of evolution. I think they may have a point. Clearly, evolution has skipped Kansas, so why should they bother teaching it in school?

The sheriff in that video is so clearly creeped out when he has to describe what happened. That's something you never want to see...a freaked-out sheriff.

By the way...will someone tell these local news twats to stop with the "dramatic" readings? You're not Ethel Barrymore honey - you're a dipshit news reader on a podunk TV station in fucking Kansas. Go sit on a toilet for two years you dumb fuck.

Is Angelina Addicted to Adopting?

O'Reilly has bought into the Brad/Angelina hype and thinks they're wonderful people. Another reason to hate Bill O'Reilly.

Lindsay Lohan Doesn't Want to be Seen With Samantha Ronson

Lindsay Lohan is hanging out with Samantha Ronson again. Trust me...that's Lindsay under the blanket in the passenger's seat.

You know how Sam Lutfi always said you knew there was gonna be trouble whenever Britney put on the pink wig? Well, you know there's gonna be trouble whenever Lindsay puts on Samantha Ronson.

Britney's New Video

Break the Ice


Hmm...so now I'm supposed to buy Britney as some kind of animated action heroine.

The video would've been more amusing had it depicted Britney's actual life, which right now mainly consists of eating sushi and playing with dolls.

Clearly, this video was conceived with one motive in mind - not having to shoot a video using the actual Britney. The animated Britney is much easier to control. It reminds me of something Hitchcock once said: "Walt Disney is the luckiest director in the world. If he doesn't like an actor, he just erases them."

Clay Aiken Finds Someone Even More Vile Than Himself to Hang Out With

Clay Aiken hangs with Rosie O'Donnell and her woman backstage at Spamalot.

Yes, Aiken is still doing Spamalot - they haven't fired him for being a bitch yet. I know there are a lot of bitches on Broadway but something tells me Aiken is the worst.

He now appears to be dyeing his eyebrows to match his hair like Miley Cyrus. I'm guessing Clay is a huuuuuge Miley fan. Her music...not her. Yes he's a pedo, but not for girls.

By the way Clay...no one's as happy as you're pretending to be in this picture. So stop it. You are a miserable bastard, and everyone knows it.

Amy Winehouse. Crack. Don't Jump to Conclusions.

Here's a post about Amy Winehouse and crack. No, not that kind of crack...the other kind of crack.

Wow...Amy has no ass at all. Is she related to Conan O'Brien?

Amy needs to look up whoever gave Kim Kardashian the ass-implants. Damn, she must not be able to sit still longer than thirty seconds with that thing. "My arse is sore. Give me some crack, daaaahling."

Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston - Is Something Cooking?

Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston, the two most depressing people on earth, are reportedly getting "flirty" with each other on the set of their new movie.

"The hugging didn't end when the cameras stopped rolling," a crew member told Star magazine.

"They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. They are very friendly."

Ugh, God...stop.

Those boots make her legs look fat.

Is he going bald?

Jennifer and Owen apparently became buddies last October after Jen helped Owen crawl of out his suicidal funk by sending him a copy of The Power of Now. And now, Owen is returning the favor by helping Jen loosen up on the set.

"Jen is known for being a recluse on set," she source said. "But she's having so much fun hanging out with Owen. She's just really relaxed and happy, which is nice to see."

Jen's happy...well that has to stop. Someone needs to swoop in down there to Miami and make her miserable again. And I know just the person...

Ali Clonehan

Ali Lohan is turning into a little clone of Lindsay. Meanwhile, Lindsay is turning into a clone of an old washer-woman.

Poor Ali seems like the unhappiest person on the face of the earth. She's 13 and already being groomed as a skank. Let the poor kid be a kid Dina, you fucking beast!

Brandon Davis Drunk and Crazy Outside Paris Hilton's Fashion Show

This is Brandon Davis apparently trying to gain entry to some fashion show Paris Hilton had her name on. He can't get in, so he leaves. Some people can't take a hint.

Eva Longoria Navigates the Pap Crush

Eva Longoria = happy poodle.

Sienna Miller, Rhys Ifans Leaving Villa

Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans went to Villa. Are they engaged? Will Sienna dump him for Jude Law? Will he dump her for Jude Law?

From the Desk of L. Ron Hubbard, Paranoid Maniac

Dawn Wells Busted for Pot

Dawn Wells aka Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island has been busted for pot.

The bust actually happened awhile ago, but no one noticed because it was Dawn Wells. Ms. Wells was sentenced on February 29 and is now serving six months' unsupervised probation. She was also given five days in jail and fined $410.50.

Wells was originally charged with reckless driving, DUI, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of a controlled substance, but she pled that down to just the reckless driving charge.

Wells was reportedly popped while driving home from her own surprise birthday party. That was some party. They had a pinata, and Dawn smacked it and a bunch of pot fell out.

Dawn's story to the cops after she got pulled over is priceless. She said the reason her car smelled like pot was because she had picked up three hitchhikers and they started smoking something so she made them get out. Unfortunately, the "hitchhikers" left their pot in the car. It apparently made Dawn woozy because she was swerving back and forth before the cop pulled her over. A friend later said the pot was his, and he had forgotten he left it in the car. Dawn's lawyer claimed Dawn was swerving because she was trying to find the heater controls.

Dawn, her lawyer and her friend were obviously all smoking pot when they came up with those excuses.

Lisa Marie Presley Sues The Daily Mail for Calling Her Fat Ass Fat

Fat useless load Lisa Marie Presley is suing the Daily Mail for calling her fat, and forcing her to admit that she is pregnant before she was ready to make the announcement.

The Daily Mail piece touched off a rash of Lisa Marie is a fat load stories, and caused her to be hounded by paps.

"Once they got a glimpse of my expanding physique a few days ago, they have been like a pack of coyotes circling their prey whilst eerily howling with delight," Lisa Marie recounted on her MySpace blog.

"Starting with a London publication and then New York and Chicago all writing false defamatory degrading stories about all of the dark possible reasons I could be putting on weight."

So Lisa Marie isn't fat...she's pregnant. Got that?

Oh God...pregnant. She hasn't been fucking Michael again.

Oh wait, she never fucked him. For a second there I thought the fat bitch was going to shit out some more freaks.

Charlie Sheen Has Been Busy

A new report by the CDC finds that 1 in 4 teenage girls in the U.S. has a sexually transmitted disease.

We've got to stop Charlie Sheen before it's too late!

The Sidewalk Outside Amy Winehouse's Place is Now a Free Flea Market

This is all the crap piled up on the sidewalk outside of Amy Winehouse's place. Apparently, Amy decided to chuck all her old stuff and get new stuff. The reason you don't see any homeless people going through Amy's crap is that even homeless people don't want it. Because of the smell.

Britney Cries

Cameras caught Britney Spears crying after coming out of a sushi place. It wasn't all the dead fish that made her cry (those poor fish y'all) - it was someone telling her that Adnan Ghalib has been banned from her home.

What the hell man? Why can't Britney see Adnan? Am I the only one who thinks her parents are being a little heavy-handed? What are they going to do next...forbid her to drink frappuccinos? Tell her she can't teach the kiddies at Millennium Studio? Make her wear underwear?

Those fuckers...

Nicole Richie's Dog Pees on Designer Dress

When you're Nicole Richie, you get to do whatever you want, and your dog gets to pee wherever it wants.

On the bright-side, at least it's not a picture of Nicole peeing on a designer dress in a shop - something that I'm sure has happened more than once.

Lindsay Lohan Drags Ali Out With Her

Lindsay Lohan has told her sister Ali to stay away from the clubs. So far, Lindsay has not dragged her to any place but restaurants and stores...but there's still time.

Jeremy Piven and Victoria Beckham Were Both at Nobu. Coincidence?

Victoria Beckham and Jeremy Piven both went to Nobu on the same night. Conclusion: They are fucking.

Nicole Richie Gets a Parking Ticket

Nicole Richie can't be bothered to feed a parking meter. So how can she be trusted to feed her child?

Miley Cyrus May be a Lesbian

Miley Cyrus has revealed that lesbian rocker Melissa Etheridge is one of her big musical inspirations.

Miley spoke about her new record to a Houston radio station:

I'm taking chances on the new album, it has a weird and crazy new sound. The last album was a little more produced, a little more girlie. I'm really a huge fan of The Killers, and another one of my favorite artists is Melissa Etheridge.

I love that mixture of techno-rock; that's a very Killers vibe; then you'll hear Melissa Etheridge, more earthy with her voice, and it's not a bunch of tuned-up stuff. You'll hear her voice crack, and it sounds awesome.

You can tell Miley is the daughter of a musician...all her crap about vibes and somebody's sound not being "tuned-up." That's probably how Billy Ray talks at the dinner table. "This dinner is a little over-produced Juanita. The green beans don't stand out from the potatoes and the asparagus is muddy-sounding. Somebody call Glyn Johns!"

Oh, and Miley likes Melissa Etheridge, so that makes her a lesbian.

Jessica Simpson's Expensive Kuwait Trip

Jessica Simpson is in Kuwait entertaining the troops. The trip was touted by the Simpson publicity machine (aka Papa Joe and his cell phone) as some kind of charity excursion that would feature Jessica roughing it, and even sleeping in a barracks.

If the idea of Jessica bunking in a tent sounds like a load of bullshit, it's because it is. According to sources, Jessica is shacking up in a nice clean hotel room like always. And of course she has her whole entourage with her, including Ken Paves, who charges $10,000/day.

Jessica was not flown in via military transport either...she had a private plane that cost $150,000. It's still not clear who will be paying for all this by the way. Jessica's performance is supposed to be streaming on MySpace (it may already have happened for all I know or care), but MySpace is also apparently not picking up the tab.

Neither are Jessica or Papa Joe...in fact, Joe plans on making money off the deal, by taking pictures of Jess playing her one song (that's all she's scheduled to do) and peddling them to celeb rags. If Joe's taking the pics, you can be there will be plenty of close-up T&A shots.

Heather Locklear's Shrink Needs a Shrink

Britney Spears and Owen Wilson aren't the only ones who get involved in suicide melodramas. Over the weekend, a call was placed to the police saying actress Heather Locklear was about to kill herself. Cops raced over to Heather's place only to find her chipper as could be.

A crank call was suspected for a time, but now it's come out that Heather's shrink actually placed the call. Apparently, Heather had said something that made the shrink think she was about to take an overdose of depression pills. Shrink got punked?

Sounds like Heather needs a new shrink...one that's a little less trigger-happy with the hotline to the cops. I'm sure the police in L.A. have better things to do than watch out for dimbulbs who can't keep track of their medication. Who will chase down Lindsay Lohan if they're all busy making sure Heather Locklear's okay?

New Indiana Jones Poster

Here's the new poster for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Bedpans and Bursitis Attacks. Cate Blanchett looks soooo lesbo. And who the fuck is the fat guy in the hat above Marion? Some random furniture hauler they decided would look good in the poster?

I'm not looking forward to this movie, despite being an Indy Jones dork from way back. The teaser trailer had Indy swinging from rafters like Spider Man - dude, that is so missing the point of Indiana Jones. Go back to the original Raiders of the Lost Ark. What made Indy cool? The fact that he basically spent the entire movie fucking up. He wasn't a superhero...he was a scruffy guy who got himself into crazy adventures and ended up getting ten kinds of dogshit kicked out of him, and in the end, didn't even end up with the treasure. Now he's Spider Man with a bullwhip? Count me out.

Angelina Blob Bump Controversy

So the big thing going around I guess is that Angelina isn't really pregnant and her blob bump is just padding. The above pictures purportedly show this. They do? There's a seam across her middle but that could be a lot of things. Sorry, I see nothing but a freakishly emaciated pregnant woman here. What do people think Angie's gonna do, fake a pregnancy for attention then suddenly emerge with a kid she actually bought on the black market? You guys scare me sometimes.

Photo: Beyonce as Etta James

This is the first picture of Beyonce as Etta James on the set of Cadillac Records. Beyonce got pretty much blown off the screen by Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls, so I don't know why someone got the bright idea she could play Etta. She sure as hell can't sing like Etta. If that wig were a bit higher she could play Flo.

Angelina Shows the Blob Bump Again

Angelina deigned to give us another glimpse of her blob bump. God, can you imagine how insufferable this woman must be right now? She's bad enough anyway, but pregnant? You know she's one of these nitwits who acts like she's the first person in history who ever got knocked up. Hey Ange (and all other insufferable pregnant women): As Bill Maher said, "Getting pregnant is something my dog can do." Get over your bloated, pickle-craving self.

(Angie doesn't eat the pickles - she sucks the juice out with her fangs.)

Matt Damon is Pregnant

Matt Damon is expecting his third official child (he has four if you count Violet Affleck). His rep says he and his wife are happy and excited. Be news if the rep said they were pissed off.

George Clooney Proposes to Stripper Girlfriend Sarah Larson

Notorious bachelor George Clooney has apparently proposed to his stripper girlfriend Sarah Larson. The two will get married at George's home in Lake Como, Italy this summer. There will be a circus-like atmosphere, and Angelina Jolie will do something wacky to get all the attention.

Here are some pictures of Sarah being naughty, just to give you an idea why George likes her so much:





All her friends will have open invitations to come over whenever they want.

Courtney Love is More Insane Than Ever

Courtney Love thinks someone has stolen her identity. She recently reported to the LAPD that thieves took 188 credit cards from her as well as checks, and used them to buy cars. Unfortunately, the LAPD thinks Courtney made the whole thing up.

Sources tell TMZ that Courtney has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder...which could explain why she's acting like such a lunatic. Or, it could be that Courtney read about Britney being bipolar and decided she'd like to try that too, and now just thinks she is.

It's a chicken or the egg situation...did being nuts make Courtney bipolar, or did being bipolar make Courtney nuts.

Keira Knightley Branches Out Into Singing

Keira Knightley has graced the movie scene with her loveliness and talent for years, and now the star is ready to branch out into a new field of endeavor - singing.

The adorable, witty Knightley is set to star in a film called The Edge of Love, for which she will record three songs. Keira, in typical self-deprecating fashion, downplays her vocal talents.

"I can't really sing. I had to have a few lessons, but once I started doing it, a sound emerged that wasn't too disagreeable."

Oh Keira - you're so modest. I'm sure your singing is like the queefing of a goddess.

Margot at the Wedding

Someday, someone will have to explain to me how a movie like Margot at the Wedding gets totally overlooked by the Oscars, while something like Juno wins Best Screenplay. Not to take anything away from Juno...it's a perfectly cute little movie with a perfectly cute little script. But it's not a real piece of writing - it's a trite story festooned with slang and pop culture references. In ten years it will look horribly dated. Meanwhile, the films of Noah Baumbach will probably have grown in stature. Certainly, The Squid and the Whale, which I adored, and Margot at the Wedding, which I liked a lot, will have long-since surpassed flavor-of-the-month efforts like Diablo's teeny-weeny preggo-teeny flick by then.

Margot at the Wedding isn't even really a comedy, but I laughed more watching it than I did at Juno. I laughed for the same reason I laughed at The Squid and the Whale - because it's all so true. Baumbach has such a wonderfully keen feel for family life that it's almost eerie. The adolescent tribulations of Walt in Squid and the Whale had me squirming - his pitifully doomed efforts at impressing his college professor father and author mom. And there's more of that in Margot at the Wedding: Zane Pais plays teenage Claude, the son of famous author Margot (Nicole Kidman) who is a certifiable nutcase. They journey to Margot's childhood home for the wedding of her younger sister Pauline (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and her wannabe-artist fiance Malcolm (Jack Black, laying the loser stuff on a little thick) - although there's a chance the only reason Margot came for the wedding is because the guy she's fucking happens to live a few miles away.

The family tensions Baumbach portrays are a thousand times more finely-rendered, believable and complex than the feel-good faux-conflicts of the Junos of the world. The best stuff is between Margot and Pauline: their relationship is such a love-hate tangle that even cutting the knot probably wouldn't do any good. There are intimations of childhood abuse, but Baumbach is smart and discreet enough to veer away from cause and focus on effect. Margot, of course, is the brilliant, super-neurotic one - she's convinced everyone in the world suffers from autism or Asperger's syndrome or some other disorder, but she just projects that onto people to make herself feel less screwed-up. Margot and Pauline's love grows out of their common childhood suffering but as adults they can't stand each other. You know Pauline feels smothered by Margot: her older, smarter sister's criticisms cause her to doubt all her decisions, including marrying Malcolm. What Baumbach gets so right is the sudden storminess of family relations, the way anger bubbles up, accusations are leveled and grievances aired, then a day later it's like nothing was ever said.

It works because Baumbach knows comedy and drama are not separate things; there's intense drama in the psychic conflict Baumbach renders, but also hilarious comedy. Baumbach has a talent for portraying the most humiliating situations without making you uncomfortable (unlike Todd Solondz who always seems to be mocking his characters). He gets that humiliation isn't only sad but funny too, and he never targets his characters or makes you feel like he's taking sides (not even when Malcolm becomes a complete blubbering mess). The tone is sort of delicate; Baumbach never sells it hard, nor does he bang you over the head with significance. He's reminiscent of Eric Rohmer in his sense of interplay but without the vague eroticism, and he doesn't distance himself quite as much as Rohmer. And he's terrific with actors. He gets the best performance I've seen Nicole Kidman give in ages (since The Others at least); it's a shame Nicole's face looks so fake now because it's distracting and doesn't seem to fit the character. And Jennifer Jason Leigh is outstanding as Pauline - she's got the usual JJL dirty hair and bad teeth thing going, and she makes a great, dish-raggy complement to Kidman's near-psychotic over-attuned quality and lashing resentment.

If I have any objection to Margot at the Wedding, it's that it may seem a little too slight at times, a little too content with its self-contained, semi-literary quality. The Squid and the Whale was equally controlled but seemed richer and possessed of a more varied personality. Squid was a novel, while Margot feels like a short story. But it's still a terrific read.

Jessica Simpson is Stalking John Mayer

John Mayer has posted a response on his blog to some unnamed former flame who has been annoying him. Mayer wrote:

Dear Ex Lover,

Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore.

I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying.

I hope this is enough closure for you.

Goodbye.

P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.

Everyone's been trying to guess which of Mayer's many former fake girlfriends has been bugging him. But come on. It's totally Jessica Simpson.

I don't care what anyone says...I look at that chick's face and see "stalker" written all over it.

Yeah, Jessica got where she got in the biz doing the whole semi-wholesome dimwit girl-next-door thing...but come on. That was a fabricated persona from the beginning. The real Jessica is a tortured psychopath. You would be too, if your father were a religious nut who started staring at your boobies in a horribly inappropriate way from the second they sprouted.

I'm sure John now regrets ever hooking up with looney Jessica. I just hope this doesn't end badly for them. You know, Fatal Attraction-like.

George Clooney Makes Light of His Fabio Encounter

George Clooney has the ability to laugh at himself, as he demonstrated when talking about his recent unpleasant restaurant encounter with Fabio.

"He's a big guy," George said of the hulking, belligerent romance novel cover-model. "There is a moment when you are actually in the argument and you're thinking, 'If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain. I wouldn't shake that.'"

Of course George was drunk during his Fabio encounter, so I doubt he formed any thoughts as amusing, let alone coherent, as "If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain." It was probably more like, "Why is that light so bright? Did I just piss my pants? Who's that stripper-looking chick I'm with?"

Lindsay Lohan Advises Her Sister Ali to Stay Away from Clubs

Lindsay Lohan has one piece of advice for her baby sister Ali as she launches her show-biz career: Stay away from the clubs.

You mean there's actually a member of the Lohan family who possesses a protective instinct?

It sure as hell ain't Dina, who gave Ali a fake ID for her 13th birthday.

Of course, there's no way Ali is going to heed that advice. She'll be tramping it up all over the scene just like big sis.

The difference is that Lindsay has enough talent to still be worth something to someone even though she's a total wreck. Ali? I doubt people will be scrambling to pick her out of the gutter.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden at Social Group's Sutra Lounge

Dear Paris,

I'd sure like to meet you one day, but somehow we just keep missing each other. Well, maybe next time...

Signed,

Rhythm

Victoria Beckham, Eva Longoria, Kate Beckinsale Feel Pap-Crush at STK

Going to dinner becomes a huge production when you're a star. And leaving dinner ain't exactly a walk in the park either...

Jennifer Lopez's Baby Pic Demands

Shockingly, Jennifer Lopez's deal to publish her baby pics in People magazine came with demands.

First of all, Lopez stipulated that, in order for People to have the privilege of shelling over $6 million bucks to publish the pics exclusively, they had to promise never to refer to her as "J. Lo" again.

Second, Lopez demanded that her husband Marc Anthony be the one to take the pics.

And of course People caved, because they think it's important to have pictures of Lopez's stupid babies in their stupid retarded magazine.

I think it's hilarious that Lopez is suddenly mortified at her old J. Lo image. It's like Mark Wahlberg hating it when people call him Marky Mark. Dude, you were the one who went around white-boy rapping in your Underoos...live with it. Own it. Face it.

And Lopez...do you think making people stop calling you "J. Lo" is going to erase the hideous mistakes of your past from the records? No. People are still going to remember your wretched music, and your horrible movies. You don't get to wipe out your old nicknames and suddenly become someone else. If you don't want people remembering that stupid shit, don't do it in the first place.

Fergie Uses Hypnotherapy to Fight Meth Urge