Angie and Maddox just got done going to see The Spiderwick Chronicles. They went into a gift shop and Maddox saw some gum he wanted. Angie read the label - the gum was called "I Heart Penis." She thought this was funny and bought Maddox the gum.
Question: What does I Heart Penis gum taste like?
Question: Why is there even such a thing as I Heart Penis gum?
Question: Is Maddox now gay?
Question: Would Angelina love Maddox more if he were gay?
Question: Where do I get some I Heart Penis gum?
Fashion victim and occasional DUI perpetrator Mischa Barton was offered a role on the hot TV show Gossip Girls, but Mischa, apparently believing she's too big a star for mere TV, turned down the chance.
I think it was a good move for Mischa to turn down Gossip Girls. I've seen a few minutes of that show - everyone on it is stunningly gorgeous. Mischa would've looked like a dish-rag compared to those people. She looks like a dish-rag compared to most people. Let's face it - she's a dish-rag.
Mike Myers has a new movie coming out called The Love Guru. I don't know what it's about and frankly I don't give a shit. Especially not after seeing the pictures of Justin Timberlake in it. That top one makes me think this film may be a biography of Timberlake starring Timberlake. Or perhaps that's just how he imagines himself.
George Clooney basically makes two kinds of movies anymore - really slick, superficial cool-guys-hanging-out shit like Ocean's 11, 12, 13; and serious politically-charged stuff like Good Night and Good Luck and Michael Clayton. In the former type of movie, George does the whole movie star thing, banking on his handsomeness and suavity and sex appeal in a faintly self-effacing way that makes him mildly likable. In the latter, George plays against his celebrity qualities, scruffying himself up (or rather down), and going for a regular-joe vibe.
In neither type of movie does George ever seem to exert himself much, which I think is shrewd on his part. Cause when George does exert himself - as in the screwball comedies he used to veer into from time to time - he is just sort of muggy and embarrassing. He ain't Cary Grant, no matter how much some people want to insist he is. Don't people appreciate Cary Grant? Watch Cary in middle-of-the-road fare like The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer, when he was just being movie-star Cary, then watch him going all-out in the wonderful Gunga Din as the hilarious cockney soldier/rogue Archibald Cutter and tell me the guy didn't have range. Clooney ain't in that league. But he's okay, and his movies are usually okay, and Michael Clayton is another exercise in okayness.
This is a great movie for people who like Law & Order and other lawyer shows featuring people in rumpled suits and boring ties talking through plots. George plays a New York law-firm utility man who's gotten himself into dire financial straits. The firm dispatches him to Milwaukee to deal with a god-like trial lawyer, Arthur Edens (Tom Wilkinson) who has been thrown in jail for running naked through a parking lot. Arthur has all the talent and panache Michael lacks, yet with his genius comes nuttiness. For six years Arthur has been grinding away on a class-action suit brought against a chemical company accused of poisoning a bunch of Wisconsin rubes, but now Arthur has had some kind of epiphany and thinks he and the people he defends are actually evil. Arthur now speaks in riddles and refers to himself as Shiva the God of death; Michael is supposed to drag him back to New York and make sure he takes his meds, but Arthur ditches him and...
My interest sort of went in and out on this one, I have to admit. There were times when I found the whole thing somewhat compelling, and other times when I wished someone would throw in a giant robot that could turn into a semi, just to liven things the fuck up. Tony Gilroy has written and directed this film professionally, i.e. blandly and with only a dab of spiritual juice. The moment Sydney Pollack showed up, I thought to myself, "Yup, this movie's complete now - Sydney Pollack showed up." Because this is the sort of movie Pollack always seems involved with in one capacity or another. Every time I see Pollack I think, "Oh, this movie must be very professional," and then I slip into a slight coma. Tony Gilroy is basically the heir to Sydney Pollack as the king of highly respectable middle-brow films full of guys in suits who have offices full of really heavy-looking furniture.
The only time this movie really gets interesting is when Tilda Swinton shows up to inject some of her signature perversity into it. Tilda plays a character so tightly-wound she even rehearses her ad-libs. The great thing about Tilda is that she exudes weirdness without even trying, so when she plays buttoned-down, the bizarro fluid just comes oozing through the cracks anyway, and lubricates all of her scenes. George brings things back to the comfortably TV-playish. He's like a piece of cozy furniture you can sink into and have a snooze. Tilda, she's got prickly angles to her - if you sat on her you'd go through the ceiling.
Michael Clayton gets 2 and a half Chips Ahoy, and a couple of the chips landed on the floor but I'll eat them anyway cause I'm disgusting.
Kate Beckinsale discusses rumors of her sluttiness, and extols the glories of her vagina:
I was called a slut when I split up with Michael and began seeing Len, but I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb!
My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it is spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?
Hayden Panettiere has officially graduated from cute little skank-in-training to complete massive self-involved asshole.
Just listen to what Hayden told Seventeen about her break-up last year with Stephen Colletti:
"I just knew I wanted to breathe. I wanted to be single at the time.
"It just hit me like a ton of bricks: This is the time I need to be with myself. It takes such a secure person to be with someone like me—it takes so much confidence; it takes so much trust.”
Oh fuck...this chick...what the hell...someone like her? Cause why? She cares about the whales?
Angelina Jolie has written about her recent trip to Iraq:
"My visit [to Iraq] left me even more deeply convinced that we not only have a moral obligation to help displaced Iraqi families, but also a serious, long-term, national security interest in ending this crisis.
"Today's humanitarian crisis in Iraq -- and the potential consequences for our national security -- are great. Can the United States afford to gamble that 4 million or more poor and displaced people, in the heart of Middle East, won't explode in violent desperation, sending the whole region into further disorder?"
God damn - Angie's an expert on national security now. She should go on with Wolf Blitzer and explain her plan. "Well Wolf, what I think we should do is, we should all dress up like we're going on a camping trip, then we should find some generals to stand beside and get our picture taken. Then we should eat some rotten food with some soldiers who want to have sex with us...don't forget the pictures either. And then we should have our picture taken with some displaced persons, remembering to keep a deeply concerned expression on our faces. If we follow these steps, I firmly believe we will all be on the cover of US Magazine. Oh, and the terrorists will no longer want to kill us."
The Drudge Report revealed today that Prince Harry has been on the front lines in Afghanistan for the last 10 weeks.
Matt Drudge reported exclusively that junior officer Harry has been in gun battles and that he has been commended as "a magnificent soldier."
It must also be pointed out that Harry is a prince, and if people didn't commend him, he would order their heads lopped off.
Seriously...I'm sure Harry is a great soldier.
Are there still soldiers in Afghanistan? I thought we gave up that shit.
Maybe Harry can find Osama Bin Laden. Right. The only thing Harry wants to find right now is a beer and a halfway decent piece of ass.
It's possible that Ellen Page is having sex with Frankie Muniz.
I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but apparently Ellen was seen out on a breakfast date with the former Malcom in the Middle star a couple days before the Oscars.
"Frankie was making Ellen laugh non-stop all through their meal," a spy told the National Enquirer. "He kept telling her not to be nervous, that no matter what, she hit it big just getting nominated. Then he'd crack a joke and she'd burst into laughter. Ellen said she was happy to have a good excuse to hang out in Los Angeles."
How the hell would Frankie Muniz know about hitting it big? And what exactly did Frankie do to make Ellen laugh "non-stop" - whip out his penis over and over?
Ellen seems like a smart girl - smart for an actress anyway - but she obviously has no taste in men. Frankie Muniz? He's just a squirrely little runt. He races cars, and goes around with a Mohawk and tattoos because he can't stand being tied to that adorable little Malcom image anymore. Everything about this guy screams that he's unsure of his manhood.
Hmm...maybe that's why Ellen likes him. Cause he's not very manly. I'm not trying to suggest anything...
George Clooney thinks a lot of the negativity surrounding Tom Cruise would go away if Tom only learned to make fun of himself a bit.
The self-deprecating Clooney described his own experience with defusing bad publicity:
"Before they could kill me on Batman & Robin, I said: 'It's a bad film, and I'm the worst thing in it.' You try to defend an indefensible position, you'll look like a schmuck.."
And they still killed it and you still looked like a schmuck. But you're right George - you have to get out ahead of stuff like that by poking fun at yourself. Tommy doesn't understand this though. He thinks he can sue bad publicity out of existence.
George thinks Tom isn't a bad guy after all:
"I talked to him the other day, and he's a good egg. There's nothing self-serving about what he's saying. He has to turn it into a way to make fun of himself."
I'm going to skip that remark about there being nothing "self-serving" about Tommy, cause we all know everything Tommy does, says and thinks is entirely self-serving, and focus on the last part. It's a good piece of advice from George. Unfortunately, for one to take that course, one has to have an inherent sense of humor. And Tom doesn't have one. He's a grim and grinding individual. He has no capacity to step back from himself and have a giggle. It's just not his nature. So, no matter how it would benefit Tom to make light of himself, he never will. And neither will any other Scientologist. That religion seems to attract the humorless and the self-involved.
If Tommy had any sense of the ridiculous, he would immediately realize how absurd Scientology is. And all other religion for that matter. Asking Tom to become self-deprecating now would be like asking Angelina Jolie to stop thinking the world revolves around her. Ain't gonna happen.
Ashlee Simpson may soon become Ashlee Blimpson, as in big huge pregnant blimpson.
Yes, Pete Wentz has allegedly knocked up Ashlee Simpson. This is shocking to me, as I was always under the impression monkeys were not able to mate with humans.
Pete is also rumored to be engaged to Ashlee. This is all part of Papa Joe's plan for world domination I'm sure. It's a stupid plan, but he believes in it.
Who will be sadder, I wonder, the day Ashlee and Pete wed: Papa Joe or Perez Hilton? Eh, Perez probably won't care...he's thrown away his Pete Wentz scrapbook, and now wanks exclusively to his Jonas Brothers scrapbook.
It honestly looks to me like Ashlee has had more work done. With each passing day she more resembles Heidi Montag. And that, my friends, is a sad thing.
Ali Lohan is ready to step out of her big sister Lindsay's drunk shadow and cast her own drunk shadow.
Ali is reportedly auditioning to join the cast of High School Musical 3. This despite the fact that she can't even sing or dance as well as Zac Efron or Ashley Tisdale.
Ali talked about her feeble little aspirations to Teen Vogue:
"I want it so bad," Ali said about her dream of making it in Hollywood. "So bad you don't even know. And now, it's actually happening."
No Ali sweetie, it's not happening. Just cause your idiot mom Dina says something is real that doesn't mean it is. She's delusional. And so are you. And you're ugly and dumb.
Ali talks about her sister Lindsay's influence on her:
"I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you…it's so cool when people look up to you. I've already been asked for my autograph, and it's just a really good feeling to have."
You are a lost little lamb Ali.
My suggestion? Stripping lessons. Followed by screenwriting lessons. And it's never too early to make a reservation at Cirque Lodge.
Adnan Ghalib claims he has impregnated Britney Spears, and further asserts that he and Britney are engaged to be married.
I assert that Adnan Ghalib is a big fat liar-pants who probably couldn't find a vagina with a road map and a special flashlight that made the vagina glow bright green.
"Britney is Adnan's dream come true. He knows that if he has a child with Brit, he'll be made for life," and friend of Adnan's told Star.
Who does he think he is, Kevin Federline?
Britney's parents are reportedly appalled at the notion of Britney having more kids. Well duh. She couldn't handle the two she had. If she pops out another one, the government should immediately take the kid away, then have her vagina welded shut. Vagina.
I said it again.
Adnan is scum.
Brooke Hogan in Miami with some sweaty dude who probably owns a Buick dealership or perhaps sells coke.
So feminine...
Kirsten Dunst actually looks worse than she did before she went into rehab. Hey Kiki - rehab means you're supposed to stop drinking.
Wow, Kiki's broke too - she has to shop at Target now.
America's Got Talent judge Piers Morgan also thinks Keira Knightley needs to shut her big huge flapping brainless twat-smelling yap.
"[Keira] moans about being famous and then does endless photo sessions," Morgan astutely observes. "You can't use the media to promote yourself and then attack them!
"My message to Keira is: 'If you'd like me to get off your case, stop bleating!' Most people would change their lives in a flash to have a tenth of what people like her have. Being famous is brilliant."
Oh, but Piers - Keira doesn't want to be famous. Don't you know? This was all foisted on her. She was hit in the head with a club and dragged off to make those 3 god-awful Pirates of the Caribbean movies. She's a hostage.
Amy Winehouse was trying to shave her pits and had some problems. What am I saying...Amy Winehouse shaving her pits?
Oh Amy, we know you're troubled and stuff. You don't have to get our attention by scratching your arms up. Anyone who looks at you from even fifty yards away can tell you're a fucking mess.
Jennifer Love Hewitt continues speaking to magazines about the somewhat unflattering bikini pics of her that circulated some time ago.
"The thing I think is great is when those pictures were taken, no matter what, I had just been asked to marry," said Hewitt, who is engaged to Scottish actor Ross McCall, "so he loves me just the way I am."
Hewitt goes on to discuss the healthy habits she intends to adopt.
"If I do work out more it will be for my health, so I can live a long time and we can have kids and be happy together until we are in our 80s. It won't be because I am worried about how I look."
Jennifer dear - if you're not worried about how you look, how come you keep talking about it?
Seriously, I had entirely forgotten about those bikini pics (which I never blogged about in the first place because I thought the whole thing was stupid), but then you brought them up again. Why do you keep perpetuating a subject everyone else would be perfectly happy to let go Jennifer? Do you just enjoy talking about your own ass?
Your ass isn't annoying at all Jennifer - it looks like 90% of the female asses one sees on a daily basis. What is annoying, however, is your insistence on continuing to discuss the damn thing as if it were a matter of cosmic import. So, some people posted some unflattering pics of you and made fun, and now you're on a crusade to convince everyone you're not insecure about your body. Um...sorry, but if you weren't insecure, you wouldn't need to try so hard.
Sean Penn opened eyes by attending Oscar-related events with model Petra Nemcova. I have no idea if Petra was what broke up Sean and Robin Wright, but it wouldn't surprise me. You know what dogs men are. Robin was getting up there, and Sean figured it was time to trade her in for something younger and dumber.
You know why Sean likes Petra too - she thinks he's brilliant. She nods at everything he says and tells him he's right about everything. Bloviating mental pipsqueaks like Penn always prefer women who flatter their puny intellects. And you know he won't have to worry about ever losing an argument with Petra. Plus, she won't notice it when he uses some big dictionary word wrong.
Teen mother-to-be Jamie Lynn Spears has earned even more white trash cred by getting her GED. Hey Jamie Lynn - you put in your application at K-Mart yet?
Brad Renfro's omission from last night's Oscar "In Memoriam" segment has touched off something of a flap. The official explanation from the Academy as to why Renfro was left out of the package was something along the lines of, "We're the Academy, we can do whatever we want, so fuck you and your family too."
I personally didn't notice Brad had been left out. And frankly, I don't know why anyone would give a shit, outside of members of Brad's family. It's not like he was a big movie star or someone who had a major impact on the history of film. If they'd left out Ingmar Bergman, now that would've been bullshit.
If you want to get mad at the Oscars over something, get mad at them for the way they treated Marketa Irglova, who won the Best Song Oscar along with her writing/performing partner Glen Hansard for "Falling Slowly." Glen got to thank everyone on earth, then when Marketa came to the mic, the orchestra cut her off. Thankfully, Colin Farrell raised hell about it backstage, and the producers let Marketa come back out and say her touching little bit about struggling songwriters. Yay Colin. Boo Oscars.
Patrick Dempsey gives off that "happy to be anywhere" vibe, doesn't he? His inclusion in the Oscars seemed sort of random.
What's the matter Johnny - did someone tear you away from your comic book collection? Oh, poor thing, you had to go to an awards show. You and Keira Knightley would make a lovely, sullen couple.
Daniel Day-Lewis seemed chipper. Now won't see him again for ten years. He's like that one cousin who pops in at the family reunion once a decade, then returns to his four Kenyan wives on his dirt farm.
Viggo. 'Nuff said.
I'm including Tilda Swinton in the male post until further notice. Cause I ain't convinced. There needs to be some kind of exam.
Clooney and his hooker. Does George ever drop the "I don't take all this seriously" act? He's in danger of becoming George Hamilton.
Diablo Cody wore the same thing she wore for Halloween - her flapper Wilma Flintstone costume. Diablo has won her Oscar and may now turn her attention to her next great goal in life - becoming a Suicide Girl.
Marion Cotillard's dress made me hungry for perch, and I don't even like fish. She's fantastic and her movie is marvelous but I'm sick of her now. Go back to France Marion.
Nicole Kidman looked almost alive. Is it just me or is she morphing into Renee Zellweger? 
The Oscars wanted to boost their ratings so they brought in Miley Cyrus. Her voice is even more annoying than her face. I eagerly anticipate the day she gets busted for her first DUI. We need fresh dumb-skank meat, what with Lindsay and Britney being just about used up.
11:45 - Best Picture is...
No Country for Old Men. Predictable. They should've given it to Juno just for the movie geek outrage.
11:44 - Minneapolis owns the Oscars. They should've had Prince there tonight.
11:43 - Coens win Best Director. Does this mean No Country For Old Men will win Best Picture? I don't know.
11:42 - One of these days Scorsese's gonna have his growth spurt.
11:37 - Day-Lewis's hair is a lot better this time than the last time, I have to say.
11:31 - Daniel Day-Lewis won best actor. His performance scared the shit out of me so it must've been good. Seriously, I sat on the shitter for an hour after I saw that.
11:26 - What? No glibness? No wit? Just a blubbering thank you to her dopey family? Fraud!!!
11:24 - Brook won. Now she can raise her fee. Nice dress sweetie. The drooling drunks back in Minny all recognize it I'm sure.
11:23 - Uh-oh.
11:17 - Please don't give best documentary to Michael Moore...I can't take another of his speeches.
And the winner is...not Michael Moore!
11:15 - Short documentary winner...what was the name of it? The chicks who made it seem like they should be doing someone's hair somewhere.
11:13 - Couldn't they have picked some attractive troops to do this presentation?
11:10 - Best score...Atonement. I honestly didn't notice the music in that.
11:08 - Holy shit am I still awake?
11:01 - Dead people! Get the popcorn.
10:59 - Nice of Stewart to let the girl from Once come back out. They need to stop the jerky thing of cutting people off with the orchestra. Just cut out 10 clips packages if you want a shorter show. Jesus.
10:50 - Falling Slowly wins. I'm glad. It's a nice song, and those things from Enchanted are hideous. For once the Academy does something cool.
10:45 - More Enchanted? Grrrrrrrrrr...
10:44 - A Nazi movie wins Best Foreign film? Shock.
10:42 - Best Foreign Language Film is - who cares.
10:35 - Hal Holbrook's glad he's not the oldest duffer.
10:31 - Stewart again proves his hipness by referencing IMDb. Nicole Kidman looks dead.
10:29 - The Bourne Ultimatum wins best editing. What a crock. That movie is mind-numbing.
10:28 - That clips package was a tour through mostly wasted hours. I forgot A Beautiful Mind won. My God - A Beautiful Mind?
10:23 - Um...no more clips, please.
10:19 - I like this song from Once. It's a good movie. See it if you haven't.
10:18 - A Wii joke?
10:10 - Marion! Marion! Marion!
Yessssss!
10:09 - God, I hope no one gets stamped to death by one of those big things coming down from the ceiling.
10:06 - The Bourne Ultimatum wins something else. Or maybe it was the same thing and I'm actually re-living that moment over and over. God, shoot me.
10:05 - Oh good - more pot-head Halle Berry humor.
10:04 - Some award was just given to The Bourne Ultimatum. Sound editing I think. That movie made me dizzy and depressed.
10:03 - How's the pot there at the Oscars?
10:01 - Angelina finally mentioned. She would've been pissed if they forgot her.
9:57 - Crabbie live-blog poll: Who is the next Lindsay Lohan - Saoirse Ronan or Miley Cyrus?
9:55 - These songs from Enchanted are so bad, I'm shocked Randy Newman had nothing to do with them.
9:53 - Miley Cyrus's voice is like sharp things jabbed into my ears. Make it stawwwwwwwwwwwp.
9:48 - Coens win for No Country for Old Men adapted screenplay. It will win Best Picture for sure now. Maybe. Cormac McCarthy showed up. Wow.
9:46 - Brolin and McAvoy. Talk about doubling your pleasure...
9:44 - Alba can read. Dang, I lost the bet.
9:35 - If Ruby Dee wins I'm leaving.
Tilda Swinton. I can live with that.
9:34 - Is there gonna be a clips package before every damn actor award?
9:33 - Best animated short. I just saw the graphic two seconds ago and have already forgotten what it said.
9:31 - You people are in America. Speak American! God damn foreigners.
9:30 - Best short film. Some French crap. Next!
9:29 - Owen Wilson is on something. Suicide watch.
9:24 - I've never heard of August Rush.
9:23 - Top Secret! made it into an Oscar montage. Okay, it was a joke montage, but still.
9:20 - Javier may be a great actor, but he's not so hot at acting surprised when he wins Oscars.
9:17 - Javier Bardem wins Best Supporting Actor. Great job Javier. Call me later, stud-muffin.
9:15 - God, Jennifer Hudson won last year. I'd totally forgotten.
9:10 - Best Art Direction...Sweeney Todd. I did like that movie. It was very brooding. And sooty.
9:09 - Golden Compass wins Best Visual Effects. This banana bread is fabulous.
9:07 - The Rock. Finally some sex appeal.
8:59 - Aw, I wanted Stewart to sing the song. It would've been better than this crap.
8:57 - Best make-up - La Vie En Rose. Norbit robbed!
8:55 - The rat movie won animated feature. ... Here comes Katherine Heigl. ... She wants us to feel sorry for her cause she's nervous.
8:53 - I nodded off during the Carell/Hathaway bit. Did you know she's a lesbo?
8:50 - I love that clip of Damon and Affleck pretending they wrote Good Will Hunting. William Goldman loves it too.
8:47 - Clooney can't read off a prompter. ... I smell clips package.
8:44 - Somebody fixed Streisand up good.
8:43 - Diablo Cody's mom won Best Costume Design!
8:42 - I wanted the microphone to punch Garner in the face.
8:41 - The Gadolph Titler joke was funny.
8:38 - Brook pretended Jon's joke about her being a stripper was funny.
8:37 - Stewart seems less nervous than last year. ... Nice Norbit slam.
8:36 - No Country for Old Men hair jokes. Ha.
8:33 - First writers' strike joke...
Now.
8:32 - Jon Stewart? Fuck me! I thought Whoopi was hosting this year.
8:31 - I wish a Cloverfield had attacked during the intro.
8:28 - Um, Regis - it's Javier Bardem, not Xavier.
8:27 - There's a secret service guy lurking near Regis. Only 3 minutes to go!
8:22 - Ellen Page said Juno is sincere. Riiiiiiiight.
8:22 - Price, Waterhouse & Cooper guys with the briefcases! Yes! My favorite part of the Oscars! They are sooooo hot!
8:17 - Why is Regis talking to the "Where's the Beef?" lady?
8:14 - Helen Mirren said "whore-house."
8:12 - Faye Dunaway looks halfway human for once. Gaaaah - Garner. ... Garner thanks Rachel Zoe. Rachel doesn't know because she's passed-out face-down on her bathroom floor.
8:09 - Steve Guttenberg?
8:08 - Oh goodie - more Miley.
8:05 - Travolta's hair looks like a bathroom rug.
8:02 - Clooney brought his stripper girlfriend with. I wonder if she knows Diablo...
7:58 - Katherine Heigl has had a few.
7:54 - Bah bah black sheep?
7:53 - Viggo Mortensen's girlfriend is a little young for him. I wish he'd lose the beard.
7:52 - Hilary Swank is into Israeli martial arts. Perhaps she would demonstrate some of her moves on Seacrest now. Pop his head off and bounce it like a basketball.
7:51 - Casey Affleck's wife doesn't think much of Seacrest.
7:49 - Colin Farrell is fucking his mom! ... Colin wants to make hats. Perhaps he could make a new one for Spike Lee.
7:41 - Tilda Swinton is nominated for best supporting actor. No, actress. Actor?
7:39 - Marion Cotillard seems drunk. I hope she wins. She is so fantastic.
7:37 - Someone please shoot Kimora Lee Simmons. I'd rather listen to Debbie Matenopolous than this bitch.
7:36 - Cameron Diaz couldn't remember whose jewelry she was wearing. She seems coked up.
7:34 - Jessica Alba had to think for several minutes before answering Seacrest's question about how far along she is. Ryan then asked her about breast feeding. He just wanted to say "breast" to Alba, the perv.
7:28 - Marion Cotillard's dress makes me want to beat her until she stops flopping.
7:26 - Kimora Lee Simmons looks like a Singaporese madam. "Yo sailor, you likee good time-girl?" ... Even Giuliana hates Kimora. What's Giuliana's last name now?
7:25 - Ryan Seacrest just said "bush." Ha.
7:22 - Miley Cyrus is talking to Ryan Seacrest. She looks terrified. She is a yappy twit. ... Miley wants to kill her mom. So do I.
The Oscars are tonight. I'm going to live-blog because I'm bored.
Ellen Page - just admit it. You're a lesbo. It's okay. You don't have to pretend.
By the way, you're not winning an Oscar. It's okay. Your movie is annoying and so are you kind of. Not as annoying as Hilary Swank though - God, no one's that annoying.
Zac Efron needs to quit pretending he's straight.
Don't worry Zac - you can still play basketball and drink beer if you're gay. It ain't about that.
Embrace it Zac. Own it.
Get rid of your beard Vanessa Hudgens. God - even Ashley Tisdale would be better than that brazen hussy.
Just be yourself Zac. Your wonderful, flaming, fruity self.
And stop wearing your hat backward. That's so lame.
The Oscars are tomorrow. Am I the only one who feels like they kind of snuck up on us this year? It was because of the writers' strike and all the uncertainty about whether there would even be a show. There was no promotion of it. Anyway, it's almost here. I personally could not be less excited. These pics of Jessica Alba and Miley Cyrus at rehearsal today are not helping my lack of enthusiasm.
What the fuck is Miley Cyrus doing at the Oscars anyway? Oh, right - she's incredibly popular with the kiddies and the Oscars are trying to draw that demo now. They better have Miley on early - it would be awful if all those tweens had to go to bed before they got to see their future-skank idol.
Angelina Jolie is undoubtedly pregnant, as this pic from today's Independent Spirit Awards confirms.
Well, I suppose it's possible Angie is merely dying of starvation and her gut is distended from all the gases...
No, she's preg. Still don't know if there's two blobs in there or one. Or three. Or fourteen. Fuck, she could have a whole litter going. They could come jumping out of her like clowns from a tiny car. Watch Brad's hair falling out in big clumps as the doctors yank one crying vag-monkey after another from Angie's hole.
Of course, Angie decides to reveal the pregnancy at the awards. So it will be all about her being pregnant instead of the people who win. Give her credit though - she didn't wait until tomorrow night's Oscars to steal all the attention.
Now someone needs to explain to me how a skeleton can even become pregnant.
The Razzies were announced today, and to no one's surprise, Lindsay Lohan's horror movie I Know Who Killed Me was one of the big winners.
Lindsay's summer bomb took the Razzy for Worst Picture, beating out such stinkers as Norbit and Daddy Day Camp. Lindsay herself won Worst Actress, as well as Worst On-Screen Duo for her portrayal of twins menaced by an evil killer. In all, I Know Who Killed Me racked up 8 Razzies, beating the previous record of 7 shared by the Scientology epic Battlefield: Earth and Showgirls.
Eddie Murphy took away the Razzie for Worst Actor for Norbit, as well as Worst Supporting Actor, also for Norbit. I Know Who Killed Me and Norbit split most of the awards between them, with Daddy Day Camp sneaking in as Worst Sequel.
And I still say that anyone who saw I Know Who Killed Me and thinks Lindsay Lohan is a worse actress than Megan Fox doesn't know anything about bad acting.
Forgot to mention yesterday that Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins. The reason I forgot is that I don't give a fuck about Lopez and her shitting little vag-monkeys, but whatever. She had them. So whoopdeedo.
That was an Archie Bunker drop-in, by the way. The whoopdeedo, not the vag-monkey thing.
Oh...Leah Rimini was one of the first people who popped in to congratulate J-Lo. There was a rumor a couple years back that Rimini was helping Lopez become fertile using some kind of Scientology hocus-pocus. Focused thinking or weird alien exercises or I don't know what the fuck. Anyway, whatever Lopez did, it worked (I suspect her fertility secret was fucking someone other than that zombie Marc Anthony but I have no proof). And Rimini wasted no time shoving her ugly mug up in J-Lo's bloated face. If I were Lopez, I'd check to make sure my twins are still there. I wouldn't put it past Rimini to kidnap the kids on behalf of Scientology. Those fuckers are crazy.
Drew Barrymore and Justin Long kiss in public. No, I ain't gonna rip them for their little hetero PDA. I actually think it's nice that two people can make a gratuitous public display of their affection while keeping their mouths closed. I get sick of the slobbering. P.S. they both still suck.
Ashlee Simpson is outta her head ay ya ya. To prove it she picks her own nose sorta. Stop trying to pretend you're spontaneous and wacky, Ashlee - we know you have no actual personality and are just a life-sized doll Joe winds up every morning, fucks and send out the door.
Heath Ledger sat for a painter named Vincent Fantauzzo not long before his death, and this was the result. Doubtless, this will be purchased by someone for an enormous amount of money. Possibly Mary-Kate Olsen will buy it and have herself painted into it.
Contrary to rumor, Jason Lewis is not fucking Jennifer Aniston. And this is coming directly from Jason Lewis, who says he has never even met Jennifer.
"That's a big rumour," Lewis says. "I imagine she's a lovely woman. I never met her.
"[The rumor source is] probably one of my friends crank-calling somebody."
No Jason - the rumor source is Jennifer. She called some friend of hers at some magazine and had them start it. But now you've debunked it, so she'll have to start a new rumor about someone else.
Patrick Dempsey poses with an armful of fugly. What the hell is Fergie looking at? "Is that bug really there or am I having some kind of flashback?" Donatella Versace - she's edging into Jocelyn Wildenstein territory. Fergie should pay Donatella to go everywhere with her, then at least she'd be the prettier one for awhile.
The most interesting things in this picture, in descending order: Matthew McConaughey, Matthew's hair, the fire hydrant, the bricks, the person half cropped-out on the left, the shadowy, lurking figure behind that person, Matthew's camera, the wall, Jennifer Garner's hat, Jennifer Garner's scarf, Jennifer Garner's coat, Jennifer Garner's gloves, Jennifer Garner.
They're shooting a movie called Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. They're not literally ghosts are they? Cause Eva Longoria already did that movie and it sucked.
Tom Cruise and The Entity Formerly Known As Katie Holmes showed up at Essence's Black Women in Hollywood luncheon. Tom knows only a Scientologist can really help support black women in Hollywood.
Disturbingly, Katie has now begun laughing just like Tom. She has also reportedly grown a tiny penis. Tom is jealous.
"Get your damn hands off me white man from Uranus."
I predict Will Smith will soon get fed-up with his friend Tom and cease taking his calls. Honestly, if someone grabbed me the way Tom is always grabbing Will, I'd haul off and punch the fucker.
Sheryl Crow sits next to Hugo Chavez's future wife Naomi Campbell at the Dolce & Gabbana show in Milan. Sheryl is now a dead-ringer for the mom on Seventh Heaven. She's had some work done, is what I'm trying to say.
I keep waiting for Naomi to jump on the bad plastic surgery bandwagon too. You know it'll happen eventually. By 50 she'll look like the black Joan Rivers. Or maybe she'll be white by then. Who knows?
I don't want to panic anyone here, but it's being reported that the allegedly-pregnant Angelina Jolie suffered some kind of medical emergency while flying back from her recent trip to Iraq.
According to Life & Style, Angie's ankles swelled up and her nose started bleeding, then her legs cramped and she fainted. Medics had to give her oxygen and other treatments. She was offered the option of an emergency landing but chose instead to remain on the flight all the way back to L.A.
That Angie's quite a trouper. I'm telling you, I'm more and more impressed with her. I think I've been too hard on her. She's courageous.
...just stand next to Fergie. Actually, it's a toss-up as to which has the more busted face. At least Fergie's skin-tone appears relatively natural. If Lindsay were anymore orange she'd be a traffic cone. At least she has her clothes on in this one.
Is it just me or do Reese Witherspoon and Christina Ricci look like creepy sisters in this pic? They could be the new Olsen twins! Which one gets to be Mary-Kate and dress like a rich blood-drinking bag-lady and have to explain to dimwit masseuses about the concept of calling 911?
Michael Jackson no longer lives in a world that even remotely resembles our own, as Grammy organizers discovered when Michael began making demands ahead of his scheduled appearance on the program.
Michael, according to the New York Post, asked for some of the most outrageous things in the history of the world (even crazier than the shit Jennifer Lopez asks for). First off, Michael wanted to be introduced by a "special honoree," whatever the hell that means (maybe the chimp he burned to death was going to be brought back from the dead for him). Then, Michael wanted to have the entire show dedicated to him. And he wanted to be given a special award - not just a regular lifetime achievement award, but a Michael-only award that would never be given to anyone else again until the end of time. Also, he wanted other people on the show to refer to him as "The King of Pop" at least 30 times during the program.
And for some reason the Grammys didn't go for this.
Michael of course got his revenge - the Grammy telecast was one of the lowest-rated in the history of the awards. But what would those ratings have been if Michael had been scheduled to show up? They would've gone through the roof, just from people wanting to see how fucked-up he has gotten.
So the Grammys sort of dropped the ball. However, you can understand why they didn't cave to his demands. No one wants to be perceived as kowtowing to a child molesting mummy-faced corpse-man. There's a limit even to what TV execs will stoop to in the name of ratings.
Thought Dina Lohan would stay quiet about Lindsay's Marilyn Monroe photoshoot? Guess again.
"It was very tastefully done," Dina said of the photos. "I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don't look at them like it's Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother."
Yes Dina's, she's playing a character - a character named Lindsay Lohan who is a sick, exhibitionistic slut.
Michael also weighed in on the pics. “I’m not going to look at the photos — that’s my daughter!” Michael said.
That last statement made no sense at all to Joe Simpson.
“Lindsay is an adult, and she knows the direction she wants to take her career,” Michael babbled on. “It’s her decision.
“The fact that the photographer who did Marilyn Monroe’s pictures would ask Lindsay to re-create them … that’s an amazing thing.”
The only thing Michael wants to know is how much Lindsay got paid and if she can lend him a couple thousand till the end of the month.
Jocelyn Wildenstein has had more work done. What am I saying? Jocelyn Wildenstein is always having more work done. Her daily schedule reads like this:
Haven't posted on Angelina and the brood for awhile. Here we see Angie taking Maddox out to see The Spiderwick Chronicles. Maddox thinks he's hot-shit cause he's the only one who gets to see that movie with mom. Pax has to sit home with stupid Shiloh and Zahara getting read stories by Brad.
Now I'm gonna say something nice about Angie, so all you crazy Femalefirst Angie-haters and the rest of you might want to avert your eyes...
Here goes:
Angie seems to enjoy taking the kids out to do normal stuff. Do we ever see pics of Madonna taking her kids to movies? When's the last time we saw Tom and Katie taking Tom's older kids someplace fun? Angie and Brad are always taking theirs to Chuck E. Cheeses and places like that. They take their kids to crappy movies and let them eat junk food just like normal people.
That being said...Angelina is still a hideous monster who's sucking Brad's soul from his body; and she's a horrible validation-junkie who's delusional if she thinks her idiot roaming all over the world is going to change anything.
What happened to Hayden Panettiere to give her such a terrible pain in her neck?
A. Her spine can no longer stand the strain of all the big, important thoughts in her brain.
B. She injured herself paddling out in a rowboat to save some whales who were about to be harpooned by evil Japanese whale-murderers.
C. She got really excited about the writers strike ending and hurt herself jumping up and down.
D. Milo's prick juts out at a really weird angle.
Nicole Kidman was in Tokyo humping The Golden Compass. She apparently forgot to change out of her nightie before the premiere. Should she be drinking so heavily while pregnant?
Prince Charles chats up Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman. Look at the look on Scarlett's face. "Oh great," she's thinking, "another sick old lech sneaking glances at my boobs." Natalie appears charmed by him though. Or perhaps she's only acting. Charles is happy as a clam. "I'm a prince you know. If you fuck me, gold comes showering out of the ceiling and your vagina becomes eternally blessed by the Lord."
Katie Holmes went to the Costume Designers Guild Awards. Cause she's a big-time fashionista now. A couple years ago she was dressing in low-rider jeans and Wal-Mart camisoles, but not anymore. Tom hooked her up with Posh and now she's...
Hideous.
And unhappy-looking. Strained. Gaunt and miserable. She's obviously stuck on the bridge. Somebody's gotta come and clear her out. Or at least fuck her. Poor girl probably spends her days chomping ice and pining for Chris Klein.
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are hosting this year's Brit Awards, during which Ozzy is slated to present Paul McCartney with a lifetime achievement honor. Going by some stuff Sharon and Ozzy have said, it would probably be a bad idea for Paul's estranged wife Heather Mills to show up at the ceremony.
"I would boot her off," Sharon said of the prospect of Stumpy making an appearance. "I think she's a miserable old cow."
Ozzy chimed in as well, saying of Paul, "The body of work he's got is just unbelievable. But I really don't want to be there if Heather shows up. Never mind McCartney having a go - I think the audience will string her up.
"Sharon and I have met them both on a few occasions but if Paul doesn't know her, I'm fucked if I do. She's fucking nuts."
Hear that Stumpy? Ozzy Osbourne thinks you're nuts. This is a man who bites the heads off of live animals...
Hey, that gives me an idea - maybe Ozzy would like to bite Heather's head off!
Eh...it probably wouldn't kill her anyway. Heather's body would hop around with the neck-stump spurting blood, and her mouth would still be yapping away in Ozzy's stomach. She'd probably give an interview from Ozzy's digestive tract about how she's a victim and everyone's out to get her.
Memo to magazine publishers: stop with the "homage" photoshoots already. And seriously - Jessica Alba? As Janet Leigh in Psycho?
Look at that picture - are you convinced Jessica is really terrified? She looks like a dog with her mouth open waiting for a treat. There's nothing going on behind Jessica's eyes - she's devoid of anything real or human. All she can do is pose and mimic and engage in shallow play-acting.
There's more of this shit here. Alba also apes Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby and Drew Barrymore in Scream. These pictures were originally done by a magazine called Latina. But I thought Alba didn't want to be Latina. She's embracing her ethnicity now? When is she going to embrace the fact that she's a useless no-talent twat and just go away?
Don't look now, but The Dirty Disher is becoming a gigantic gossip blogging force. She's even being profiled on other sites like Pop-Rock Candy Mountain. Next thing you know she'll be flashing poon outside Area. She still talks to me though, so her head hasn't yet gotten too big.
Way to go Dishy - you rock. And you have way more traffic than me (which you won't admit) and if you put ads on your site you'd be rolling in dough which I could then borrow from you. But this is neither the time nor place to get into that...
Heidi Klum and Seal painted up at Disneyland. It wouldn't have been so bad, if only Seal had abstained from doing the tiger-claw gesture. That pushes it right over the edge into abject retardation.
Avril Lavigne and her husband Buttfuck Whoever went shopping for baby shit on Monday. Naturally, this has touched off a round of Avril-is-pregnant rumors.
Why, oh why, would anyone even raise such a possibility? Now I'm going to be sick for the rest of the day. Thanks a lot rumor-mongering assholes.
Come on now - just cause Avril was shopping for baby shit, that doesn't mean she's pregnant. There are lots of reasons Avril and Buttfuck might have been in that store. Maybe Avril has a pregnant friend. Or maybe she was buying the stuff for herself. She acts like an infant, so it would make sense that she would be attracted to items intended for infants.
Oh, let's face it - Avril's knocked-up. Now we're going to have to look at pictures of her and the kid for the next ten years. She's going to be just like Gwen Stefani, wearing shirts with the kid's name emblazoned across them.
When is the next train due to come through town? Cause I'm going to jump in front of it. Goodbye cruel world...
Britney Spears gave everyone a look at Sushi House Unico in L.A. Does this mean she's on her meds or off them? I lose track.
Hollywood club Villa booted Rumer Willis last night for being underage. At least that was their excuse. I think we all know the real reason Rumer was kicked out...
She ugly.
Owen Wilson is jumping back into the movie game. His next project will be called Marley & Me (awful), and it will co-star none other than Jennifer Aniston.
The film is set to begin shooting in Miami. Hardy Hill from something called The Opium Group expressed his excitement at having Owen in town.
"Miami loves when Owen is in town and we are all happy to see him back at work in our city," Hill said. "Owen attracted lots of attention when he was here last, and having a bit of Hollywood in South Florida is always great. We hope to see his face at some of our venues."
I don't know who this Hardy Hill guy is or why he's got such a hard-on for Owen Wilson, but I hope Owen stays away from him. The Opium Group? That sounds like something Owen really needs to be associating with at this time in his life.
And another person he needs to minimize his contact with...Jennifer Aniston. I mean, come on - isn't Owen's life sad enough? Dude tried to commit suicide for gosh sakes. And now he's going to be exposed to the single-most-depressing individual on the face of the earth?
I hope Owen knows what he's getting into.
(source)
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' lawyers are deadlocked over how much money the gimp is going to get in the settlement. It was supposed to have been hashed out by the end of this weekend, with Heather getting a rumored $100 million-plus pay-out, but now it's up in the air, and a judge will reportedly get to make the final decision.
I suppose it would be impossible for the judge to give Heather nothing, or maybe even make her pay McCartney - or better yet, order the bitch to just go off and die?
Those things can only happen in my dreams. Clearly, Heather is about to get what she wanted all along - a big fat chunk of change. But, there is one fact that gives us solace - no matter how much money Heather gets, she will never be able to buy her way out of what a miserable human being she is.
(source)
Beyonce and some other broad appear at a sports-related event over the weekend. Beyonce looks like she should be washing dishes and sweeping floors in that outfit. Hey, a woman washing dishes and sweeping floors - there's an idea.
What is Mel Gibson thinking in this picture?
A. I wonder how far I could shove this thing up my ass.
B. This award would be even cooler if it looked exactly like me and also dispensed alcohol.
C. Jesus died so I could win all these awards. Yup, I think that's fair.
D. Fucking Jews.
E. Someday they're going to catch on that I'm a complete charlatan. But I won't care because I'll be living on my own island, surrounded by the freaks I created as part of my evil genetic experiments.
Lindsay Lohan was selected by photographer Bert Stern to recreate his famous photoshoot with Marilyn Monroe, known as The Last Sitting (cause she died not long after). The new pics are in New York Magazine.
Woody Allen has made another movie, the 510th of his career. This one's in the serious thriller vein of his Match Point, which starred Jonathan Rhys-Meyers as a horny tennis player who got mixed up with a crazy woman played by Scarlett Johansson. The good news about Cassandra's Dream is that it doesn't star Scarlett Johansson. This is the first Woody Allen movie in recent years that hasn't featured his buxom muse and, not coincidentally, it's the best movie he's made in that span. I use the term "best" reservedly by the way. It's not like it has much competition. Match Point was at most passable, and Scoop was so God-awful, I would not have minded if Woody had simply hung up his view-finder forever afterward, and retired to a life of banging his daughter until the inevitable on-set of senility.
Cassandra's Dream stars two pretty good actors who aren't bad to look at either - Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell. They play brothers who are both pretty much losers, who aren't willing to accept their loserdom, and become embroiled in all kinds of nasty financial difficulties as a result. It sounds like the set-up to one of those incredibly depressing, documentary-like Ken Loach movies about miserable, squalid people being ground down by the system - but no, it's a Woody Allen movie from his mid-tempo British thriller phase. Basically, it plays like an above-average English TV drama, something that might star Helen Mirren, and get run on BBC America to enormous acclaim.
Colin and Ewan make this movie worth watching. Farrell plays the greasier brother, who works at a garage and is always losing huge sums of money in poker games. McGregor, by comparison, has his shit together: He works at their father's restaurant, and is a more-or-less responsible adult, but he's plagued by ambition. McGregor is always entering into schemes - he's just smart enough to find opportunities, but not smart enough to make anything out of them. Things get complicated for Ewan when he becomes enamored of an actress played by Hayley Atwell, whose body makes one think of Scarlett Johansson, but whose talent makes one think of anyone but Scarlett Johansson. Ewan wants to nail this broad bad. Unfortunately, he's broke. He and Colin both get themselves up to their necks in debt, and have to prevail upon a rich relative (Tom Wilkinson) to bail them out. Their uncle is willing to save them, but only if they do him a certain favor...
Ha...you thought I was going to tell you. But I'm not. The movie unfolds in twisty thriller fashion and I hate spoilers.
As thrillers go, this one is pretty effective. Woody is an old pro and the movie has that quality of a well-made, modest boutique production - it's like the stuff Claude Chabrol has been doing for about the last twenty years. It's not exactly edge-of-your-seat, but it does keep you interested. And did I mention Colin Farrell and Ewan McGregor are in it? They're not as much fun to look at as Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, but they're okay. The movie is definitely less annoying than most of what Woody's been churning out since he became irrelevant (I'm so glad we're beyond the point where we have to pretend to love everything Woody does. Really, some of his '80s stuff was horribly overrated. Hannah and Her Sisters? Puh-leeeeeeze).
I give Cassandra's Dream 3 Chips Ahoy out of 4. It's rated PG13 for drug use, discreet murder and Philip Glass music.
Paris Hilton has spent the last week celebrating her birthday. One celebration featured her dancing in a big glass like Dita Von Teese. The sad thing about Paris is you know she really thinks she's being artistic when she does this shit. She takes it seriously. I would've paid about a million dollars for the glass to fall over and Paris to drown in whatever it was filled with.
If you think Britney's all better now because her family has taken over her affairs and gotten rid of that evil shithead Sam Lutfi - guess again. She's still a mess. Check out this pic of her going clubbing with her father Jamie as chaperon. Her make-up...
It ain't just the make-up either - it's her eyes. Nobody's home there. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. She doesn't have both paddles in the water. Cheese fell off the cracker. She's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. I could go on but I've got some garlic bread cooking...
Keira Knightley had a few too many at the Elle Style Awards. You thought she was bad sober. Can you even imagine?
Christopher Walken joined fellow thespian Charlize Theron as a 2008 recipient of the silly Harvard Hasty Pudding honor. Christopher got into the spirit of the proceedings by putting on a giant Peggy Bundy wig and a brassiere. Yes Christopher, you look very pretty. Insert "more cowbell" reference, lower to a simmer and stir.
We no longer have to despise Dakota Fanning for vaguely defined, probably irrational reasons - now there's a good, solid, concrete reason for hating the little bitch's guts.
It comes to us from Crazy Days and Nights - a story about the "real reason" Dakota didn't want to shave her head for a role in a movie (she has since dropped out of the project). I quote:
The film is My Sister's Keeper which is based on a 2004 novel of the same name about a sister who sues her parents to stop them from using her as a genetic guinea pig for her sister who has leukemia.
In preparation for the role, Dakota went to a hospital with the director Nick Cassavetes to see child cancer patients. In a room filled with patients, Dakota in a very loud voice said something along the lines of, "there is no way I will ever shave my head and look like these kids." Every kid in the room heard what she said. Since that day Nick Cassavetes can almost always be seen wearing a shirt that says FDF. The DF stands for Dakota Fanning. I will let you guess what the other F stands for.
What is Scarlett Johansson saying to Natalie Portman?
A. "If we act totally lesbo maybe people will care about us."
B. "Josh Harnett, I'd give a C. Ryan Reynolds maybe a B-. Derek Jeter, a B+ except for the herp..."
C. "Those vegan shoes of yours gave me trench-foot. Seriously, I'm thinking of suing you. Nothing personal."
D. "I farted and it totally smells like Javier Bardem."
E. "Holy shit, there he is again. Don't look at him. God I wish Soon-Yi would just have him put in a rest-home already."
Some poor woman sent the site Cele|bitchy (a site I hate because they once refused me when I applied to write there) an email concerning the harsh treatment she and her daughter received while appearing as guests on the Tyra Banks show. The email reads:Just found your Webside [sic] and read about how cheap Tyra Banks is…..and I have to agree…My 11 year old daugher [sic] and myself have been on her Show last week,and we got lied to and humiliated….Tyra is a fake and very mean,she is so cheap we did not get to meet her befor [sic] or after the Show and my Child who idolises her did not even get an Autograph!!!!! How rude.
I love browsing websides, don't you? Especially while sitting by the seasite.
Okay, the woman is obviously an idiot - which is why I believe she was on the Tyra Banks Show. Her daughter is also clearly retarded - there's no other explanation for why someone would idolize Tyra.
That's not the end of the Tyra madness however. The over-written Cele|Bitchy also quotes from a forthcoming National Enquirer story detailing the ordeal of a cancer victim named Jodi Hughes who went on Tyra to get a makeover:
Jodi, who lives in Bettendorf, Iowa, says things went bad the minute they stepped off the plane in Los Angeles to tape the show.
[Her children] Jordan, 17, and Nick, 10 - who is legally blind - were left sitting on a curb outside the studio lot for hours with no food, no phone and no money while Jodi underwent her “transformation” - which included nothing more than the services of a professional makeup artist, a new dress and a cheap, painful hair weave, she says.
Tyra’s producers scripted her lines for the show, Jodi says. “The producers told me to say: “Thank you, Tyra, for making me feel like a woman again.’ That was the most humiliating part.”
Lindsay Lohan has a talent for antagonizing people, as she proved again Thursday night by pissing off movie legend Clint Eastwood.
The incident happened at trendy eatery Madeo. Clint was reportedly enjoying a quiet dinner of easily-masticated food with friends when he became annoyed by what was going on in Lindsay's group, which included three men, one women and numerous paparazzi. Clint said to his friend, "She brought all those paparazzi. Fifteen of them. Did you ever think we'd see the day with all this? I'm going out the back door so I don't have to deal with all that."
Yeah Clint, you show that attention-grubbing harlot - by sneaking out the back door.
What the fuck? Is this Clint Eastwood or a member of the Davis family? Whip out your piece and cap the bitch Clint. We'd all love you even more for it.
To be serious for a second...if I were the paparazzi I'd be worried about stories like this. Cause Clint Eastwood - he is no one to be trifled with in California. Dude has serious political clout. No one cares if the paps run Lindsay off the road and kill her, but mess with Clint's mashed nanners? If the old school Hollywood big-timers ever get together and decide to have something done about the paps, believe me, the paps will be dealt with.
(source)
Paris Hilton bragged on the Ellen Degeneres Show that she has 17 dogs. Bad move...cause in L.A. you're only allowed to have 3 dogs per address, so now Animal Services is running around trying to ascertain whether Paris was telling the truth or just being Paris.
Animal Services sent a guy named Captain Bowers over to Paris's house to look into the dog matter, but when he got there, he found the place under construction and only a maid living there. So he left a message with the maid and left. Obviously, Captain Bowers does not follow the tabs. If he did, he would know that all he has to do is camp out in front of Area and wait for Paris to stagger out. Then he can ask her all the questions about her dogs that he wants. Of course he won't get any answers - Paris doesn't have to answer to no stinking Captain from no stinking Animal Services.
I'd say they should lock the stupid bitch up, but we already went through that and it wasn't nearly as amusing as I thought it would be, so fuck it. Let her have her 17 dogs. Maybe one day they'll turn on her and eat her.
(source)
Congratulations Paris Hilton - not only did your movie The Hottie and the Nottie achieve one of the worst opening-weekend grosses in the history of the universe, it has now also earned the distinction of being the absolute worst film of all-time according to IMDb's user rating system. With its average rating of 1.2 stars out of 10, it has surpassed such masterpieces as Zombie Nation, Ben & Arthur, Who's Your Caddy? and Die Hard Dracula to settle at the very bottom of the prestigious IMDb Bottom 100. Way to suck, Paris!
How nice of the Hogans to bring John Graziano Valentine's Day gifts at the hospital. They're so thoughtful. I wonder if Nick stuck around to feed John some of the candy. Oh, and look - a big stuffed animal. I'm sure that will comfort John as he lies there drooling and struggling to focus his eyes.
Why couldn't an out-of-control bus have skidded into those fucks as they walked along? This is why I know there's no God.
Beyonce got on Aretha Franklin's bad side for calling Tina Turner "the Queen" at the Grammys. Now Beyonce's dad has ripped into Aretha.
"Something this ridiculous – it's childish, it's unprofessional," Mathew Knowles said. "And it's a sad day when egos get bruised because somebody used the word king, queen, prince or princess."
Yes Mathew, I'm sure Beyonce's ego has never been bruised over something someone said about her, or some perceived slight. She's above all that kind of stuff. Ha! Wrong. She is just as full of herself as Aretha. The difference is that Aretha has reason to be full of herself - she's Aretha. She's earned the right to behave like a frivolous old twit. What has Beyonce ever done? Her music sucks. She was awful in Dreamgirls. Even her boyfriend Jay-Z seems to have thrown her over for Rihanna's younger, hotter ass. Pretty soon Beyonce is going to be singing in Holiday Inns...and Aretha will still be the Queen of Soul.
Britney looks halfway decent as she goes to her favorite day-time hang-out, Millennium Dance Studios. They drugged her, held her down and hosed her off, then had someone fix her extensions. Love the Ponch shades. The dog's cute too, and so is the black guy.
Britney should fuck the black guy. Eh, what am I saying...she already did.
Bai Ling was arrested yesterday at LAX for shoplifting. I always knew Bai would end up being arrested, I just thought it would be for prostitution or walking around a mall in assless pants trying to talk old men into fingering her.
Bai allegedly stole two celeb mags and a pack of batteries. So we can only imagine what she was planning on doing. Something involving a bathroom stall, a vibrator and pictures of Gary Coleman. She sooooo horny (especially for Gary Coleman).
Ling was reportedly put under citizens arrest by an employee at the airport shop, then was hauled crying to the airport police station where she was booked. You can really put people under citizens arrest? I thought that was only in movies. Holy shit, the next time some little fucker nearly knocks me over while skateboarding on the sidewalk, I'm gonna tase the cockeating little bastard and sit on him until the cops show up. Citizens arrest. Non-lethal force.
(source)
Paul McCartney and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Stumpy McCuntface are reportedly at odds over what kind of schooling their daughter Beatrice should receive.
Stumpy apparently wants Beatrice to be sent to some hoity-toity private school, while Paul thinks private schooling is bad for kids and wants Beatrice to go to public school like his other children.
Of course Paul's other children all hate Stumpy, which is perhaps why she doesn't want Beatrice to go to public school and be like them. She wants at least one person to grow up loving her. Fat chance Stumpy! Beatrice will hate you too because everyone hates you! Even those baby seals you save - if they could, they'd gang up on you and beat you to death with your own plastic limb! Hahahahaha!!!!!!
(source)
Cameras caught Victoria Beckham buying a Valentine's card, presumably for David. Is it just me or does her face look weird? A tad puffy, like she's been crying or has had some work done (or both).
Let's talk about Posh some more. Doesn't she just annoy you? She's so superior and she thinks she's such a fashion icon when she's like totally clueless, you know? And what's with her boobs. I've seen more realistic mammaries on department store mannequins. I bet her nipples are made of plastic or something so she can have that major pokey action going. Oh my God! She is soooooo classless.
Britney's one-time husband Jason Alexander says the unhinged pop-star has gotten over losing her kids and doesn't really care if she gets them back anymore.
"She wants to see them, but she doesn't want to be a full-time mom," Alexander told In Touch Magazine. "She said it doesn't matter if she doesn't get them back full-time, and that she can always have other kids later on."
Other kids? Later on? Good God, no.
Okay...what the hell does Jason Alexander know about Britney's situation anyway? Is he actually in contact with her? Does she even remember who he is? I don't think she even remembers who she is half the time.
"I'm a singer? I thought I was the Queen of the Hobbits. Where's my scepter gosh dang it.
"Y'all."
Actually, Alexander claims he and Britney have been talking a lot lately. Sure. And I'm a lady-in-waiting to the Queen of the Hobbits.
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Madonna is fighting a war against aging - and losing.
How many people think she's going to go full-on Joan Rivers before it's over?
If Madonna had a sense of humor about things, like Sharon Stone, she might become one of those cool old broads who treat their slow deterioration as a fun sort of ride. But she doesn't. So she's destined to become a terrifying old hag.
Josh Hartnett has fucked all the attractive women in Hollywood and now moved on to Rumer Willis. I had no idea Josh was into bestiality.
Witnesses say Josh and Chinzilla were getting cozy together at the Beatrice Inn. "Josh and Rumer were hanging out all night," a source told the Enquirer. So the mickey Rumer slipped him was a long-laster. Didn't wear off till morning. Imagine the horror, waking up and seeing Rumer there in the bed next to you. I'd rather wake up next to a Cloverfield.
If the Cloverfields ever attacked us for real, we could just send Rumer in there to scare them off.
Keanu Reeves gave diners at a restaurant in Vancouver an extra special treat recently - a whiff of his disgusting bare feet.
Mike Walker writes in the National Enquirer:Dining solo at a ritzy Vancouver restaurant, sleepy-eyed Keanu Reeves - slurping down oysters on the half shell with red wine - looked more homeless than hunky when he suddenly kicked off his scuffed shoes, pulled off his holey socks - then stretched and flexed his hairy toes as horrified diners gagged! After a few phee-eww moments, a man sitting nearby jumped up and said: “I don’t care who you are - this is totally unacceptable behavior. I’ve paid a lot of money to eat here, and my wife and I don’t want to look at your bare feet!” Keanu apologized, saying he had cramps in his toes and needed to stretch them. “If you don’t put your shoes back on, I’ll call the manager,” snapped the guy. Keanu nodded, slipping on his stuff as he motioned for the check.
Personally, I'm shocked Keanu even had shoes and socks to take off. Cause normally he looks like some guy who got dumped naked off the back of a truck someplace and has no idea where he is. He probably steals his duds off people's clotheslines. The shoes were probably setting on someone's porch cause they were all muddy and Keanu said, "Cool, foot-covering thingies," and made off with them. He also bathes and does his laundry by walking through car washes...just something I heard.
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Gary Coleman has married a big old Sasquatchian white woman named Shannon Price. Coleman says they were wed on a Nevada mountaintop last August.
“Nobody was around but the minister, preacher, the videographers, the photographer, the helicopter pilot and us,” Gary said.
And the people who were chucking peanuts at Shannon, trying to get her to do a trick.
Naw, I kid...I'm happy for Gary. Now he has someone to do his hilarious "What you talkin' bout Willis" routine for, who has to put up with it cause they're married.
I hope she doesn't get mad and eat him.
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Amy Winehouse won a bunch of Grammys, got her teeth fixed, and had the birds nests removed from her beehive. Now she looks...slightly less like a junkie who just spent an hour rolling around in feces.
Kirsten Dunst's filthy ex Johnny Borrell may have defiled Harry Potter star Emma Watson. The two reportedly met at a fashion party, where Johnny's pheromones apparently overcame darling Emma. Or maybe it was all the booze-breath he blew into her face. Emma's 17, so we know she wasn't drinking. Er...
"Uh, what's that in the bag? Magic drugs from Harry Potter? Do they make you fly?"
Emma and Johnny shared a cab from one party to another. They also apparently went to a third private party later in the evening. However, Johnny ended up leaving that with another woman. No sign of Emma. 
What's almost as bad as Emma Watson being icked-on by Johnny Borrell? Emma hanging out with Pixie Geldof. Emma - you're going to Cambridge to study philosophy. Follow that plan. Find yourself some college guys to fuck. Stay away from smelly rock stars who hosed Kirsten Dunst. And please...stay far, far away from Pixie and Peaches Geldof. You will wind up being found in an alley with a needle hanging from your arm...or worse.
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Catherine Zeta-Jones plays a belly-dancing psychic in a new Harry Houdini biopic called Death Defying Acts. Guy Pearce plays Harry - he's always bored me (Pearce, not Harry). Zeta looks pretty hot here. The new boobs are fabulous.
Paris Hilton's equally worthless brother Barron was arrested for DUI in Malibu at 8:30 Tuesday morning. He reportedly blew a .14 (!) and now faces misdemeanor DUI charges and also charges of carrying a fake license.
TMZ says Barron, 18, snuck out of his parents' house last night and slunk off to do his drinking and whoring and whatever else people like him do (I'm guessing he didn't sneak off to attend a poetry reading). No drugs were involved in the incident, just booze.
Well, Barron should be okay - he got booked in the same sheriff's office that handled Mel Gibson. Those guys are pretty friendly to celebs. Um...Barron's a celeb right? Well his sister is, so that's close enough.
Miley Cyrus says she has spoken to Jamie Lynn Spears, and that Jamie Lynn told her she's "really excited" about the bastard child she's soon to bring into the world.
"She's now really excited," Cyrus said, "so I'm proud of her. I think she's done the best she can."
The best she can at what - becoming an underage slut teen mother? Yes, I agree - she's done smashingly well at that. No one will argue.
I think Billy Ray didn't spank Miley enough when she was little.
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The above are sketches Michael Jackson commissioned, which show the new "gangster chic" look he wants to adopt when he makes his big comeback.
Give me a second while I scream in horror.
Gangster chic? Hasn't Michael Jackson's whole career since the Smooth Criminal video been nothing but gangster chic? Is he ever going to come up with a new idea? Is he ever going to realize people are disgusted by him and just want him to go away (except dirty European assholes)?
Apparently not.
I actually hope Michael does try his comeback - because it's destined to be a disaster, and in these dark and trying times, I think we could all use a good hearty laugh at the expense of a hopeless freak.
(Photo Credit: Steven Klein)
I don't know why Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman are made to look like serial killer twins from a Marilyn Manson jerk-off fantasy on the cover of the new issue of W. But there they are. And of course there's an interview to go with the pic. Here's Scarlett objecting to being called a slut:
“I’ve been battered for saying that I don’t believe humans are monogamous by nature. The response was, like, ‘What a ho-bag!’ I didn’t mean that I don’t practice monogamy in my own life—of course I do! I’m not going to be in some tarty relationship. But I stick by what I said. I remember another time, I said I get tested for AIDS twice a year, and again that got spun as me being promiscuous. But I was single at the time, and I think it’s important to do that!”
Ho-bag - well if the shoe fits.
Scarlett on her support of Barack Obama:
“I will continue stumping for Obama until he’s elected. The past eight years have been painful for a lot of people. We’re in a state of emergency.”
She does know his candidacy is all part of an Islamic plot to infiltrate the government, right?
Natalie gets into the act too. Here she also yammers about monogamy:
“I’m into monogamy. But I’m not really into marriage right now. I sort of hate the legal aspect of it. What does the state have to do with it? Why are they making rules that say my lover can stay in the United States if they’re foreign or share my health care benefits because I’m straight—but if you’re gay, you can’t have that?”
I don't know Natalie - but I might be more inclined to take your views seriously if every sentence didn't refer to what you're "into" or not "into." You sound like every dumb-shit on MySpace.
Natalie on her bland public image:
“The only thing that’s a little bit annoying, is I feel that I come off kind of boring sometimes.”
Easy to fix that Nat - just make a video of you blowing some random guy. Or make a lesbian sex tape with Johansson. She's probably up for it - she is a ho-bag after all.
More bullshit here.
Hayden Christensen looks like one of those day-trader guys, the cokeheads with the MBAs, the guys who don't sleep ever because they're too busy making money to keep their trophy girlfriends happy. And speaking of trophy girlfriends - oh look, it's Rachel Bilson, the most boring Rachel this side of McAdams. Carry on, losers.
Benedict Fitzgerald, a screenwriter who worked on Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, is suing the actor/director claiming Gibson screwed him out of fair compensation after the film was a hit.
"Gibson preyed monetarily on Ben, taking advantage of his unbridled enthusiasm for the project and with full cognizance of Ben's fundamental personal and spiritual beliefs," the lawsuit says.
Fitzgerald claims Gibson told him the movie was being made on a shoestring budget, and that neither one of them would make any money out of it. The film went on to gross over $600 million worldwide, yet Fitzgerald was only paid $75,000, and at one point had to borrow $200,000 from Gibson to cover his expenses.
This shocks me. Really. All this time, I thought Mel Gibson was a good Christian man. I mean, he made The Passion of the Christ, for God's sake - the most pious film in the history of the world. How could he rip off a fellow Christian? Christians just don't do things like that.
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The douchebags of Anonymous went around picketing Scientology centers worldwide over the weekend. Guys dressed like the Blues Brothers wearing plastic masks...uh, yeah. That'll scare those Scientologists.
Here are the idiots in Amsterdam:
Nicole Richie hit four parties in two days over the weekend. US Magazine makes a big deal out of her rushing home at 1:48 a.m. to check on the kid, but come on - you know she was going to score some blow, and only used the kid as an excuse to ditch the party.
(source)
Cher has spent the last couple weeks reminding us that she's still on the earth. First she talked about going out with Tom Cruise years ago, and also revealed that Sonny Bono was a Scientologist (as well as a really bad skier). Then Cher decided to show up for the Grammys.
Somewhere there's a dog without any hair. All so Cher would have a wig to wear to the Grammys. Her face looks more real than Miley Cyrus's.
I did not photoshop that.
Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are both apparently still laboring under the illusion that they have a musical career. And both think hot producer Timbaland is the man to help them bring their imagined careers to the next, uh, level.
So, it was in the name of naked self-interest that both skanks attended Timbaland's pre-Grammy party over the weekend. Their individual missions: convince Timbaland to produce their next record. Only problem - they had no idea the other would be there.
Unpleasantness ensued.
Lindsay, upon seeing Paris, screamed, "What the hell is that bitch doing here? I didn't know she was on the list."
Paris's eloquent reply? "Fuck off you bitch."
She forget to call Lindsay "firecrotch." She's slipping.
According to the Daily Mirror, Lindsay and Paris each scrambled to get close to Timbaland, Lindsay climbing over a sofa and Paris hurdling a barrier. Timbaland reportedly gave both desperate twats "a blank stare" before walking off.
And still they will not realize how over they are.
(source)
Fergie at the Grammys. I'd have gone with dark brown, just in case.
Rihanna's the Scarecrow? Kind of looks like it with all that stuffing coming out of her dress. No "If I Only Had a Brain" jokes, please. Oh, all right, if you insist.
You're sort of a movie star. Lots of men think you're hot (possibly because they've never seen you in person). So, maybe you'd want to straighten yourself out a bit before you go out? You know, just in case you run into any photographers...
These pictures look innocent enough until you get up close...
What's that all over her face?
She really looks like Angelina in these last two.
Here Megan appears to have just given up, and decided to take a little nap standing beside the pole. Life is hard when you're a brainless skank.
Not to rub it in, but it's been sort of a rough awards season for Keira Knightley. Girl was placed at the top of many people's favorites list after her performance in Atonement - but so far she's been shut out. Stuffed. Stoned. Has put up a big goose egg. Hasn't won diddly-poo.
Possibly the worst snubbing happened for Keira today, at the BAFTAs. A lot of people thought this would be the one Keira finally took home - Atonement being a British film, Keira a British actress, and the BAFTAs the British Oscars. But something funny happened on the way to Keira winning her little award - they gave it to Marion Cotillard instead.
Of course Cotillard deserved it - her performance in La Vie en Rose was classic, while Keira's work in Atonement was good but clearly not up to that level. Luckily for Keira, she's still young - she'll have many more chances.
Not so for old fart Julie Christie, who was also up for Best Actress but lost. I finally got around to seeing that movie too, Away From Her. It's okay. It's sort of sweet and sad, the way she gets Alzheimer's and goes into the nursing home and forgets who her husband it. Christie is undoubtedly fine in the film. But, the movie is just a little too tame and pipsqueak for my tastes. It's pretty close to being a cable movie, to be frank. La Vie en Rose has a lot more fire and guts in it. Cotillard's performance is pretty stylized and melodramatic - and that's what I like. Bigness. Something that's almost over-the-top, but so skillfully wrought that you forgive it its excesses. Christie is touching and subtle and all that, but in the end the effect is sort of blah.
So I'm pretty happy about Marion getting some recognition. I'm pretty sure Christie will win the Oscar...but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.
Mischa Barton and Peaches Geldof at the Viper Awards. What the hell are the Viper Awards? Mischa and Peaches should win some kind of award for being useless. Seriously - they could release a full-on lesbian sex tape and no one would give a shit. Except maybe Heather Mills, who would mistake them for a pair of abused animals.
Miley Cyrus has begun hitting the party circuit. Here she is at some tribute to Timbaland. She's dressing okay now, but you know that hemline will start creeping up. It's all part of the Disney plan. Start them out as demure little teen stars, then gradually segue them into flat-out sluthood. You think it's not all on purpose? Then you're naive.
Angelina Jolie poses with General Petraeus. She's sooooo serious. Notice how Petraeus smiles though. He's got real problems - like having to answer to a Commander-in-Chief who's a total bozo - but that doesn't keep him from loosening up for the picture.
Seems to me that, the harder one tries to seem important, the less important one actually is.
I wonder if Angie gave the general any advice on how to win the war. "Maybe if we each just adopted a few of the insurgents..."
Amy Winehouse, as part of her ongoing effort to recover from drug addiction, has moved into Ozzy Osbourne's guest house.
Let me repeat that...Amy Winehouse, as part of her ongoing effort to recover from drug addiction, has moved into Ozzy Osbourne's guest house.
Ideas that were slightly less stupid than Amy Winehouse moving in with Ozzy Osbourne:
Okay...I realize that headline is a bit misleading. No, Tyra Banks did not shit herself when she hung with Mike Huckabee. It was Huckabee who shit himself. He was like, "God damn, I knew there were some dumb fuckers in this world, but this bitch ought to get a medal."
How dumb is Tyra Banks? Dumb enough to vote for Mike Huckabee.
But now onto the shitting part. Apparently, Tyra is prone to accidents of the ill-timed bowel-voiding type. An account from some reporter for Paper Magazine:
I arranged to do [the interview] backstage at the tents in the w suite. Just when I start getting comfortable and ready, a group of madmen and madwomen storm in and take possession of the suite because... ready?... Tyra Banks messed herself and needed to change. Now, let's break this down: messing oneself should not happen if you are older that 5 or younger than 90. if it happens and in fact you are older than 5 or younger that 90, then it should be one, single, very unfortunate episode which will bound you to be made fun of forever and you can't complain about it. Now I would like to bring to your attention that Tyra's people carried a change of clothes for her at NYC fashion week. Hmmmh... could it be that Tyra messed herself before? or just that her entourage is so organized that in case tyra would ever, maybe, possibly mess herself that one time, they have a change of clothes? I don't know...
Jessica Alba keeps doing interviews, in spite of the fact that she's already said everything that's ever been in her brain, and all she can do anymore is repeat herself like a broken record.
Jessica tells Marie Claire about being picked-on as a kid:I had a lot of haters. They’d unzip my backpack so my books would fall out. They’d tie my shoes together. They’d "accidentally" spill lunches on me.
Oh no - they tied your shoes together? Those bastards.
How long did it take you to figure out they were like that by the way? Three days? Four?
Jessica shares her pithy observations about Hollywood's perception of women:There’s a lot of pressure on women to fulfill certain fantasies. They expect you to be a little bit of a tart, to flirt with all the men. A lot of women do it. But I’m not doing that. I talk with these guys about their wives and kids right away. When they say inappropriate things, I let them, because boys will be boys, but I’m not looking to participate in their conversations.
Um, Jessica - it's Hollywood. It's all about fantasy. If you don't want to be forced into that position, then quit. Go do hair for a living or wait tables. If you're not too retarded to handle those jobs, that is.
Jessica talks about how she had no one to look up to as a kid:When I was a little girl, I always wanted someone to look up to. I think identity was a big deal to me because I didn’t fit in with one certain race. I always wanted someone who looked like me, who was a positive role model.
Oh, poor multi-ethnic Jessica. She never had a role model. You should've run away with home and found a nice pack of stray dogs to raise you. Then you would've at last discovered friends who wouldn't judge you or tell you how stupid you were or tie your shoelaces together.
Seriously - Alba is almost as bad as Keira Knightley. Knightley's worse though cause she's half-smart. Alba is so dumb you just feel sorry for her.
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A friend of Kirsten Dunst has come out to explain why the actress decided to check herself into rehab.
"It's cruel the way people have put her under a microscope," the friend says. "She's trying to take a break. It's a great thing.
"She's an incredible woman – so giving of her time, her money, her soul. That's the story that should be told. Everyone has problems, but not everyone is forced to deal with them in a fishbowl."
Earth to friend of Kirsten Dunst: No one has put Kiki under a microscope. No one cares enough about her to do that.
And when did Kiki suddenly become the blonde Angelina, so giving of her time and her money and her soul? I'm wracking my brain trying to remember the last time I saw anything about her doing anything charitable. Hmm... Uh... Er...
Can't come up with anything. She must do it all in secret. Sure. Stars never want their philanthropy publicized.
Face it - Kiki is a drunk mess. And that's her doing.
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Vanity Fair always comes up with something clever for their big movie issue. This year it's a spread featuring famous present-day actors recreating scenes from Hitchcock movies. The above is Seth Rogen doing Cary Grant from North By Northwest. I guess the joke here is that the scruffy Rogen is about as far from debonair Grant as you can get. He looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman there kind of. Hey Seth - don't have a heart attack. Sorry, I'll take Cary...
I like this one - Emile Hirsch and James McAvoy doing Farley Granger and Robert Walker from Strangers on a Train. I like imagining Emile and James being embroiled in this perverse homosexual thing that plays out as a murder story. My favorite shot in Strangers is when Granger's playing tennis and Hitchcock shows all the spectators looking back and forth with the ball, then dollies in on Walker just sitting there eerily staring at Farley. How come directors aren't that imaginative anymore? They're too busy trying to beat my brains in with their fast cutting and crazy shaking camera shit. Fuck those obnoxious twits - not a single one of them can hold a candle to Hitchcock.
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Jennifer Lopez has already plotted out her strategy for pimping her unborn twins. MSNBC reports that Lopez has fixed on Valentine's Day as the date the babies will be born - because it's a Thursday, which means plenty of time to get the first pictures out to the celeb rags before their deadlines. J-Lo also has plans for a big photo shoot with the kids in the nursery she shelled out $120,000. The nursery reportedly includes gold-plated fixtures and crystal chandeliers. She's still Jenny from the block, yo.
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Charlize Theron got the Harvard Hasty Pudding treatment. It's all quite wacky, the cross-dressing and the parade and the giving awards to hot actresses in the hopes of copping a free feel or two. That's why people want to send their kids to Harvard - for the free feels. And the cross-dressing.
Amy Winehouse has been denied a visa to enter the U.S., and will therefore not be able to perform at this weekend's Grammy Awards. The statement from Amy's publicist:
The singer has been invited to appear at the event on Sunday after receiving an amazing six nominations for the prestigious awards. Unfortunately, her application for a visa to enter the United States of America has been rejected at this time by the American Embassy in London.
Amy has been progressing well since entering a rehabilitation clinic two weeks ago, and although disappointed with the decision, has accepted the ruling and will be concentrating on her recovery. Amy has been treated well and fairly by the Embassy staff and thanks everyone for their support in trying to make this happen. There will of course be other opportunities and she very much looks forward to visiting America in the near future.
Yes, Angelina Jolie is indeed in Baghdad on one of her mercy missions. Here we see her pretending to eat with a Marine. Trust me, there's no way any of that slop went into her mouth. And if it did, you know she went behind a tent and puked it back up. 
"This is the same face I make when I'm pretending to listen to Brad. Yes, hmmm, it's very interesting that you want me to respect your feelings Brad. No, I'm not just staring at your forehead and nodding."
"In-coming!!!!" Oh man, what I wouldn't pay...
No. I take that back. It's so wrong.
But it feels so right.
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want Tom Cruise pointing at my unborn and smiling like that. "I got dibs on the girl." Well, he'll need to replace Katie one day, won't he?
Kirsten Dunst checked herself into Cirque Lodge to deal with her substance abuse issues. I wonder what finally convinced Kirsten that she needed help. The fact that she could no longer get the puke-smell out of her clothes?
"She desperately needed help," a source told Star Magazine. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears.
"She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."
The same help Lindsay got in Cirque Lodge. Oh, I can't wait for the pics of Kiki whitewater rafting...while trying to smoke. "Someone tell the fucking water to stop splashing my fucking cig. Jesus man. This is so bogus!"
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Angelina Jolie is in Baghdad right now in her capacity as an official publicity-grabber for the United Nations. Angelina's alleged mission, per the statement from her philanthropic advisor Trevor Neilson, is "to learn more about the humanitarian crisis and the 4 million displaced people, 58 percent of whom are under 12."
Angelina has a philanthropic advisor. It never fucking ends.
Angie is taking her little mission seriously though. "There's lots of goodwill and lots of discussion, but there seems to be just a lot of talk at the moment, and a lot of pieces that need to be put together. I'm trying to figure out what they are," she told CNN, referring to all the refugees who need to be returned to their homes. Then Angie got all big-picture, saying, "What happens in Iraq and how Iraq settles in the years to come is going to affect the entire Middle East. And a big part of what it's going to affect, how it settles, is how these people are returned and settled into their homes and their community and brought back together and whether they can live together and what their communities look like."
Of course, everyone over there just wants to ask Angie if she's pregnant, but they're not allowed to because that's the deal reporters have to make with her - no access unless only approved questions are asked. Angie is too important a person to be bothered with frivolous questions.
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Madonna went ahead with her scam charity event to raise money for Raising Malawi which is really just a front for Kabbalah's efforts to brainwash African youth. And speaking of brainwashing...Tom and Katie showed up. And so did Rosie O'Donnell. And they all took a picture together with poor little Lourdes who is actually the least-freaky individual in the entire thing.
If only Angie and Brad had been there too...then it would've been perfect. Perfectly evil.
Britney Spears's stint in the booby-hatch is over, and now she's out driving around.
Hold on a second...are you allowed to drive a car while under the influence of psychiatric drugs? I was under the impression that Britney was pumped so full of dope she barely knew up from down...
Well, whatever's going on with Britney, UCLA decided she was no danger to herself so they let her go. She's still under the conservatorship thing and Sam Lutfi is still not allowed to go near her, so that's good news. We'll see how long it takes for her to throw on the pink crazy-wig and start flashing poon all over Greater Los Angeles.
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The niece of head Scientologist David Miscavige is on a campaign against the church, which she accuses of "[tearing] families apart, both in the media and monetarily."
Jenna Miscavige Hill, the daughter of David's brother Ron, sent a letter to Scientology spokesperson Karin Pouw in the wake of the church's response to Andrew Morton's Tom Cruise biography. The letter was subsequently leaked to the web. It reads:
Dear Karin ,
I could not resist the opportunity to write you this letter having read your official rebuttal regarding the Tom Cruise biography. I have been involved in the Church of Scientology since birth. David Miscavige as you well know is my father’s brother, making him my uncle. In fact you and I actually know each other although not very well.
I cannot comment on your responses regarding the personal life of Tom Cruise because I know nothing about this, but I am absolutely shocked at how vehemently you insist upon not only denying the truths that have been stated about the Church in that biography, but then take it a step further and tell outright lies.
You go so far as to state:
7. Does Scientology encourage their members not to speak to their family if they don’t support the religion?
This allegation is not only false, it is the opposite of what the Church believes and practices. - Karin Pouw
As you well know, my parents officially left the Church when I was 16 in 2000. I, having been separated from them at the age of 12 and thoroughly engulfed in the beliefs of the Church since birth decided not to go with them.
Not only was I not allowed to speak to them, I was not allowed to answer a phone for well over a year, in case it was them calling me.
To give exact specifics, this “law” was enforced ruthlessly by one Tracye Danilovoch - the local representative for the Religious Technology Center - who intercepted all letters from my parents (and my friends). She would then pass them on to Marc Rathbun (the then 2nd in command of the Church) and Mike Rinder - who happens to be the former head of YOUR office - “The Office of Special Affairs” (you can thank me later for not elaborating on this one). Only after they had seen the letters and decided it was ok for me to see them would I receive some of them while sitting in a board room while they watched me read them and asked me to comment on them.
I was allowed to visit my parents from the age of 16-22, once a year for a maximum of 3-4 days, but that was only after they (my parents) threatened legal action if the Church got in the way of this and even then only after I underwent a “Security Check Confessional” before I saw them and immediately after I came back. A security check is interrogation (usually about if I intend on leaving the Church, or finding out if my parents have said anything bad about the Church, etc.) while being attached to an electrophsychometer which is similar to a lie detector. This happened every single time I saw then (which was never more than 3 or 4 days a year).
For a more recent example of families being destroyed, My Aunt Jennifer Pantermeuhl has recently contacted my parents and let them know that she can no longer speak to them or be in contact with them because they speak to and live near, my other Aunt Sarah Mortland.
Sarah is my mom’s and Jennifer’s sister. This is because Sarah is not in favor with the Church. Jennifer also contacted my brother Sterling as well as the rest of the family for the same reason most of whom had to lie to her and said they weren’t talking to Sarah for fear of getting found out about.
Another good example would be when my other brother, Justin, was in Florida a few years ago and was on his way to visit our Aunt Denise Gentile (our father’s sister and David Miscavige’s twin) with his girlfriend. Denise abruptly canceled while they were on their way over because the Church would not approve - because he was an ex-member. Not to mention the fact that Kirsten Caetano (a member of the Church’s Office of Special Affairs - the very same organization you belong to) was contacting Justin several times when he was in Florida working, telling him that he needed to leave the state because he is an ex-member and his presence at the “mecca of Scientology” was disturbing to the church. Kristen has admitted to my face that she did this when I confronted her and even went so far as to admit that she lied to my brother after denying the incident. This is the least of what Kirsten Caetano has done!
You cite this quote from L.Ron Hubbard about what the Church believes with regards to families…. . yes we know what the Church claims to “believe” and has written in its policies! - BUT do they practice that? Absolutely not!
I can name at least 5 friends off the top of my head who’s family members are not allowed to speak to them without being themselves ousted from the Church and prevented from communicating with other members of their family and even their children still involved in the Church lest THEY too be ousted! They cant speak to their children because they have left the Church on their own determinism. This is a widespread practice and if you dare deny it I have a list of all of there names together-these people’s families are crying every day because they can’t speak to their children who did nothing but leave the Church of their own free will.
If I am in fact wrong and you want to prove me as such, then allow me and my family to be in contact with our family members that are still part of the Church such as my Grandpa, Ron Miscavige, and his wife, Becky. Allow the same of my friends. And don’t even start with the, “it’s their choice all along story…” -nobody is going to buy that, there are way too many destroyed families for that to be true.
I am tempted to take up many of the other accusations you categorically deny in your novel, but for the purpose of keeping this letter readable and focused on the most important part (family) I will resist.
I will suggest however that maybe you should spend the manpower and time of drafting your masterpiece rebuttal - why don’t you take the high road for once and put that time towards repairing the families you have destroyed, starting with the family of David Miscavige himself - hell, if Scientology can’t keep his family together - then why on earth should anyone believe the Church helps bring families together!
Best,
Jenna Miscavige Hill
The church has contacted several of my friends, telling them that I am smearing the church and I am going to be declared a suppressive person and asking my friends if they would disconnect from me and, in at least one case, insisting that they do.
At least eight friends have removed themselves from my MySpace page.
If you flunked your uniform inspection, sometimes if you were late . . . you would be dumped with a five-gallon bucket of ice water.
We were also required to write down all transgressions . . . similar to a sin in the Catholic religion. After writing them all down, we would receive a meter check on the Electropsychometer to make sure we weren't hiding anything, and you would have to keep writing until you came up clean. This is from the age of 5 until I was 12.
Paris Hilton is serious about her acting career. She's gone and hired herself a coach, and says she has now learned to draw upon her own experiences to help her performances.
"If it's a scene where I have to get upset, I'll think of a past person," the moron said. "I'll think of something in my life, use it in the scene, and it really works."
What does Paris think about when she needs to play "upset?" The time her mom wouldn't let her stay up past ten o'clock? When she wanted her dad to buy her a Ferrari and he said she had to wait till she was sixteen? When one of her dogs died because she forgot she had it, and she opened up a closet and there it was all decomposed and rotting? "I thought Gummi was living in my closet. But it was my dead dog waaaaaaaaah."
How does a person like Paris become even more insufferable? By becoming a method actor. And by the way...you can't tell when Paris is trying to play upset or happy or sad or drunk or whatever. Her face is utterly inexpressive. She has the emotional range of a carrot. And the soul of one too.
(source)
Sam Lutfi's gravy train is currently resting comfortably in the nuthouse. So, with no one to drug into oblivion, Sam has turned to blabbing to celeb rags as a way of filling the empty hours.
Us Weekly caught up with Sam, who is currently under a restraining order which prevents him from visiting Batshitney in UCLA's ward for those suffering a marbles deficit. Sam spoke of the roller coaster ride Britney's life has become.
"In the depressive episodes, it's all crying," Lutfi said. "But in the manic episode, there's very little crying or sympathy or compassion. She becomes another person. She becomes somebody that just doesn't care about anybody or anything."
She becomes you in other words.
Sam explains the wacky British accent.
"The British accent is part of the mania," he adds. "She'll stick to the British accent because she becomes comfortable with it... But you know, when the pink wig comes on, it's getting bad."
How many times has he said that now?
Sam recalls the night they hauled his meal-ticket away.
"When I told her, she wrote me a note and put a big heart on it and it said, 'I love you, Sam. Are there people coming? Circle yes or no.' Oh, my God, it was funny, just the cutest little thing. I circled yes and I gave it back to her, and she looked at me and she's like, 'Oh, lord, here we go again.'"
She's 26-years-old Sam. There's nothing cute or funny about her employing a means of communication most people outgrow in junior high. Jesus, this guy is disgusting. Trying to act all tender-hearted when you know he's just this huge manipulating fiend. Could someone please just kill this fucking bastard and dump his body somewhere? O.J.? Anyone?
(source)
Carmen Electra has gone the Meg Ryan/Lindsay Lohan route by getting her lips injected. She wanted to give her boyfriends a bigger target.
Lindsay Lohan has finally wised-up about her drinking and drugging.
No, I don't mean Lindsay has stopped drinking and drugging - I mean she's gotten smarter about when and where she does them.
Wanting to avoid getting caught in any embarrassing situations, Lindsay has reportedly ceased hanging out in clubs, and moved her nocturnal activities to private "mansion parties" where she is less likely to be snapped by photographers or sold out by spies.
The mansion parties are private affairs that only celebs are normally invited to. In spite of this, a few eyewitness accounts have managed to trickle out. One says Lindsay was snorting something at a party in the Hollywood Hills above Crescent Heights.
I smell more DUI shenanigans in the offing. We're gonna get to see Lohan chucked in jail yet. Just be patient, my children.
(source)
The medical examiner has determined that Heath Ledger died of "acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam, and doxylamine."
In other words, dude downed a whole bunch of pills and died. The death has officially been ruled an accidental overdose.
I think Sam Lutfi needs to be investigated over this. Sounds like his work.
(source)
John Mayer was on some kind of dopey cruise. Someone gave him a Borat sack-sling bathing suit and he put it on. People took pictures. I tossed my cookies.
(source)
Sam Lutfi has a restraining order against him on behalf of Britney Spears. A full copy of that order is now available for public consumption, and some of the stuff it alleges about Lutfi is pretty terrifying.
Here's the text of Lynne Spears's declaration, including an account of what went down in the days leading up to Britney being committed to UCLA's psych ward:
This past Monday night (January 28) [the order was issued last Friday], Britney's father Jamie and I (in separate cars) went to Britney's house in Beverly Hills because we had heard news reports that Britney had just been in a big fight with Osama Lutfi aka Sam Lutfi ("Sam"), the man who has inserted himself into my daughter's life, home, and finances, and that she was crying. We were very concerned about her safety. We arrived at the Summit Community gatehouse in BHPO at approximately 10 pm. I was with my friend, Jackie.
The guards at the gatehouse stopped us there for awhile. Jackie, Jamie and I finally proceeded to Britney's house and entered it. We were able to enter the house because it was not locked. Britney does not lock her doors and currently there are no security guards around her residence. Britney was not home. We found Sam, and Sam said as we walked in the door that Britney only wanted me to come to the house, and that she was afraid to see her dad.
Two or three paparazzi came into the house and entered the kitchen. They greeted Sam. The paparazzi then reported to Sam where Britney currently was. From the conversation between Sam and the paparazzi I determined that Sam had given Felipe (another paparazzi [sic]) one of Britney's cars to get her out of the house when he heard that Jamie and I were on our way to see Britney. I also understood from the conversation that Sam disabled all of Britney's cars (she has several at her residence).
Sam had told Britney that Jamie and I were coming to the house to do an intervention, and that Britney panicked and took off with Felipe. Another man named Chad Hardcastle was in the house.
I also heard during the evening that during Britney's and Sam's fight that evening, Sam had told Britney that she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore, that she cares more about Adnan, her current boyfriend, than she cares about her kids, and that she does not deserve her kids.
The paparazzi reported to Sam and addressed him with great respect. They treated him like a general. He instructed them to get her back to the house. They later told Sam that Britney was on her way back.
Britney then came back to the house with Adnan, who is also a paparazzi [sic]. Sam then told Jackie and me that we needed to do whatever he tells us. I objected. He then told me, "I'm the one who spends 24/7 with your daughter. I sleep in cars outside her house so she can't leave." Sam then said, "You people throw everyone under the bus, if you don't listen to me I'm going to make your name shit in the papers."
As I looked around the kitchen, I noticed that in the middle of the kitchen table there was a large car battery. At some point during the evening I learned that the car battery was there so Sam could charge his cell phone. Although Britney has several cell phones, he told us that he had disposed of all of the phone chargers and had made the house phones unworkable.
Sam told Jackie and me to tell Adnan to leave Britney alone and get the fuck out of the house. Jackie refused. Sam then said to tell Britney that Adnan is gay. Adnan stayed at the house a little while longer. Sam quietly said something to Adnan and Adnan promptly left the house.
Britney came into the room looking for Adnan. Sam told her that Adnan was in the bathroom. Britney then asked me, "Is Adnan gay?" While Britney was out of earshot, Sam told Jackie and me that we should pretend that Adnan was in the bathroom so Britney wouldn't leave.
Britney then became very agitated and could not stop moving. She cleaned the house. She changed her clothes many times. She also changed her three dogs' clothes many times. Britney spoke to me in a tone and with the level of understanding of a very young girl. Britney then picked up a bottle of pills and read part of the label and asked us, "What does insomnia mean?" Sam told her that the pills will help her stay awake.
Sam told Jackie and me that he grinds up Britney's pills, which were on the counter and included Risperdol [Risperdal] and Seroquel. He told us that he puts them in her food and that was the reason she had been quiet for the last three days (she had been sleeping). He told us that the doctor who is treating her now is trying to get her into a sleep-induced [meant drug-induced] coma so that they could then give her the drugs to heal her brain.
Sam then encouraged us to sit down on the sofa and to do "tequila shots." Jackie and I said we did not want to. Britney seemed to follow our lead. Sam then got some wine out and said, "Let's all do toasts with wine." Britney said that she didn't want to, she wanted a pretty glass. Sam found a glass with a stem and poured wine for Britney when we were not looking. Britney refused to drink her wine and asked to drink mine.
Shortly afterward, Sam went back into the kitchen and was standing behind a raised bar so that we could not see what his hands were doing on the counter. From what I could see, it looked like he was crushing something on the counter. Sam then said to Britney, "Let's go upstairs," and Britney followed him. Britney had calmed down by the time she went upstairs.
A little while later, Britney came downstairs. She seemed agitated again and told us that she wanted to go Rite Aid for lipsticks. It was now past midnight. Jackie and I said we would take her. Sam told us that he wanted to follow us in his car. We told him that he shouldn't because the paparazzi were in front of the neighbor's house and would harass us. As we were about to drive off, Sam jumped into the backseat of the car. The paparazzi followed. Sam and I were sitting in the backseat, with Chad as well. He told me that he gave Britney something (when they were upstairs) to make her more light-hearted, happy, and fun. We entered Rite Aid and Britney chose her lipstick. The manager said it is dangerous out there, which it was. When Britney gave the cashier her credit card, the cashier told her it was not working. I paid for the lipstick and the manager told us we could leave through the side door so no one could see us. Sam insisted we leave through the front door and he put his arms around Britney and me for the paparazzi to take pictures. I disengaged as quickly as I could.
Sam told me, "You'd better learn that I control everything. I control Howard Grossman, Britney's business manager. I control her attorneys and the security guards at the gate. They don't listen to Britney, they listen to me. That's why Jamie was gone tonight."
At another point that evening, Sam bragged to me that he is the one who receives Britney's checks and that one of them was for me. I told Sam that I hadn't gotten any checks from Britney. Sam then told me that they are in his car. He told me that if he weren't in the house to give Britney her medicine, she would kill herself. Then he said to me, "If you try to get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave."
He then proclaimed that he has been in the family for a year and that he has done nothing but good for Britney. At this point it was two or three in the morning. Britney was meandering around the house. She would let me hug her, but she was out of it.
At one point during the night, Sam was screaming at me and Britney said to me, "Sam treats me like that." Then she picked up her house phone and said, "Look at the phone, it doesn't work." Sam then blamed the dead phone on Britney. Jackie spoke up and said to Sam, "You said you cut the phone wire."
Britney then said again at some point during the night, "When do I get to see my babies?" Sam answered, "Wednesday." Britney then said, "What do I have to do to see them?" Sam responded, "Take the pills I tell you to take." Britney said, "I don't like the pills and I don't like the psychiatrist. Can't I see another psychiatrist so I can see my babies?" Sam responded, "If I told you to take 10 pills a day, you should do what I tell you to see your babies." Jackie then said, "Britney, your parents can help you find a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist needs to get to know you to give you the right medicine." Sam then raised his voice and said, "Why don't you get back with Kevin."
Britney then said, "I'll do anything to get them back."
At some point during the evening, Sam said that Britney decided that he should be their manager.
Adnan has called me and told me he's worried about Britney. He told me that Sam hides the phones and tells her he has lost them. He also hides her dog, London. She looks for him all over the house crying and then Sam brings out the dog from the hiding place and acts like her savior.
While we were at Rite Aid, Britney went in an out of her British accent.
At 4:00 am, I was exhausted and wanted to leave. Sam blocked my car so I could not leave. I threatened to call Jamie to the house.
Britney said, "I want my daddy up here. I want to talk to my daddy." I reached Jamie on the phone and gave the phone to Britney. I heard her tell him that she wanted to see him. He said, "Right now baby?" and she said, "No." He said, "10:00 in the morning?" And she said, "No, noon."
I spent the rest of the night at Britney's house and for the first time in a very long time, when I lay down to sleep, I felt very agitated. I could not fall asleep at all. I felt like I had had coffee. Jackie, who had gone home earlier, told me that she also could not sleep at all and felt like she had had coffee.
Jamie came to pick me up the next morning. Jamie gave Britney a big hug and said to her, "Baby, you're okay?" Britney said, "I'm fine," then burst into tears.
To my knowledge, Britney never went to sleep that night and was very agitated most of the night.
Sam and Chad, however, slept in the "smoking room," a small room downstairs on the first floor of the house.
Later the next day, on January 29, Jackie showed me a text message she had received from Sam: "Thanks for telling Jamie all your bullshit. He just hit me. Now you guys did your deed. Much accomplished. Good job."
I did not see Britney again until I arrived at her house on Wednesday night after Sam called me and told me to come to the house. When we arrived, Britney seemed subdued. The police arrived and took her to the Neuro Psychiatric Institute at UCLA ("NPI"). While at NPI, I learned that Britney informed her doctor, Lee Sadja, MD, that she had also taken Aderol [Adderall].
Here's some deliciousness...apparently, Brad Pitt got upset when he heard Tom Cruise was getting the first one of those new limited edition Ducati motorcycles all the famous small-dicked guys are sweet on. So, to prevent anyone else from getting one before him, Brad had emails sent out to various UPS terminals telling them to freeze shipments of the bikes. Denzel Washington and Michael Jordan both allegedly complained to UPS when they found out they had to wait for their new two-wheeled penises to be delivered.
This story is beyond terrific. Too bad there's no way it's true.
I mean, think about it people...Brad Pitt sends some emails to UPS and they stop shipments? Sorry, but there's no way Brad has that kind of pull.
I don't care that TMZ claims to have copies of these emails. This story is 100% grade-A bullshit.
I'm still going to pray it's true though. Cause if it is...it's the greatest story ever.
(source)
Lovable Scientology butterball Kirstie Alley is running her yap about how brilliant she is, and about all the wonderful stuff being a Scientologist allows you to do. Here's Kirstie going on and on about her "Super Power Expansion Project":
I'm walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different . . . My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of "mankind" — it really irritated me!
Then I realized why mankind upset me so much — it's because I wasn't taking responsibility! . . . Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind . . . I've made decisions here, big, crazy, great, brilliant decisions here about the magnitude I'm going to help this group and help this planet, and it's real . . . I want everybody in the universe to experience this.
Oscar nominee Ellen Page thinks everyone is being too mean to Britney and other wayward child stars.
“I feel bad, you know," said Ellen (who all the lesbos call "eye-candy). "They were hyper-sexualised at the age of 16, not guided or taken care of or nurtured properly. And now people treat it like it’s a joke. Let’s splatter their face on newspapers every day and show them being taken out of their house on a stretcher! It’s like, why don’t we ask why this is happening? It makes me very angry.”
Why don't you do something about it then Ellen dear? Go out and wave a sign around. "Leave Britney alone." Or visit Batshitney at the looney bin. Make friends with her. She likes making friends.
Aw, we know Ellen - you could've wound up like that too but your parents were responsible. Well pin a rose on your nose. Jeez, aren't we little Miss High and Mighty Oscar-nominee? And who the hell were you a couple months ago? Some plain-looking chick no one knew about.
Face it Ellen dear - you're a one-hit wonder. After Juno there will be nothing but lame second-banana parts in horror movies and sci-fi bullshit. Unless Diablo Cody pulls another gaggingly adorable tale of teenage pluck and spirit out of her well-publicized twat. Of course you'll be too old to play the teen then. You'll have to play the understanding mom.
Then you know what happens after that, don't you Ellen? Yup. Law & Order.
Sad.
(source)
Heather Mills is set to represent herself at a hearing in her gazillion-dollar divorce case against Paul McCartney. This is not simply a matter of insanity for Mills...the sad fact is that Heather was dropped by her legal team because her yappy mouth kept hurting her case, and now she owes so many banks money that she is unable to retain counsel.
Couldn't have happened to a better person, I say.
Has there ever been a case in history where a divorce was settled by the woman being guillotined? Oh, I'm sure that happened a lot back in the old days. Who the hell needs courts when you've got a giant head-slicing machine? Set that fucker up in the square and let it drop.
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Brad took Zaraha shopping in Beverly Hills. Little kid is so spoiled. What, you can't buy Care Bear jammies at Wal-Mart?
"These ain't silk bitch. No flannel touches my skin, you got it motherfucker?"
I love Fergie's outfit. That corseted skirt thing is so practical. If you feel yourself having to pee you can just tighten it and hold your legs together.
That head-cocked position reminds me of a National Geographic special on chimpanzees. "Bo-Bo is an inquisitive sort. Unfortunately, there is a jaguar hiding in the bushes..."
Paris Hilton has a new movie out called The Hottie and the Nottie. Here she is at the premiere. Her pink dress and gaudy jewelry are meant to evoke Marilyn in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Cause Paris is the new Marilyn.
Nottie!
Paris should do a re-make of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. It should be called Dirtbags Prefer Potheads. Instead of singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," Paris should sing "Dime Bags Are a Girl's Best Friend."
Nottie!
Is it just me or has Paris's ugliness intensified since she got out of jail?
Yessie!
