Aniston Hired Him

Brad Pitt is probably wondering what the fuck's up with humanity after getting pushed around by a plainclothes security guard at the L.A. premiere of his new movie The Curious Case of Bernie Buttcheeks. Here's the scoop: The Pittster reportedly arrived early for the big event at Westwood's Bruin Theater, cause every minute he spends somewhere like that is another minute he doesn't have to spend with you know who, and was of course beset by the usual crush of paps. So Mr. Dumbfuck Security Guard gets swept up in the tide of snappers and what does he decide to do? Kick some pap-ass? No. He decides to grab hold of Brad and start man-humping him like people used to want to do before Brad turned into Uncle Murray the Cat-Poisoner. Brad did manage to wriggle free of the doof and flee up a flight of stairs. Where he spent the rest of the night in the fetal position moaning for George Clooney to come and save him from the bad man. When reached for a comment, Jennifer Aniston said, "Haaaaa!"