The Breakfast (Lunch and Dinner) of Champions

Jessica Simpson doesn't need Michael Lohan to get her a job endorsing Vitamin Water - because she already has one endorsing beer. "As an entrepreneur, I am always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people," Simpson said by way of explaining her new affiliation with Dallas-based beer Stampede Light Plus, adding, "Yes, I work out and take care of myself, but I also like a cold beer once in a while." Sure. And I bet her fridge has always been stocked with Stampede Light Plus. At least since about last Friday.

Psst, hey Jess...did you know John Mayer was free again? I bet he'd like a tall cold glass of Stampede Light Plus. Or ten. And then to hammer you in the asshole with his big old penis. You can leave a huge load on his bedsheets just for old time's sake.