Canadian psychologists have identified a new form of mental illness whereby nutcases come to believe they are living in a reality show that the entire rest of the world is watching. The disorder, dubbed "The Truman Show Delusion" after the Jim Carrey film, has afflicted five known people so far, all males between the ages of 25-34. "I realized that I was and am the center, the focus of attention by millions and millions of people," explained one of the loons. "My family and everyone I knew were and are actors in a script, a charade whose entire purpose is to make me the focus of the world's attention."
Sounds crazy. But not as crazy as these other 10 new delusions just identified by medical science:
"Alec Baldwin Delusion" - Sufferers tend to become pasty and bloated, and spend their days engaged in crazy political rants that no one listens to. May also verbally abuse family members.
"Perez Hilton Delusion" - Those afflicted with this particularly nasty mental disorder are plagued by the mistaken belief that they are hilariously funny. They also become absurdly litigious and begin to smell strongly of zit cream.
"Heath Ledger Delusion" - Sufferers believe they are dead.
"Madonna Delusion" - Veins begin protruding. All pigmentation disappears from the skin. Patients become obsessed with fad religions and develop romantic fixations on Latin athletes.
"Tom Cruise Delusion" - A belief that one has magic healing powers. Sufferers may also develop the intense desire to kidnap bland film actresses. Homosexual tendencies may develop, only to be severely repressed.
"Tara Reid Delusion" - You know, when no one gives a shit about you but you think you're famous. Also known as "Kristin Cavallari Disease" and "Brandon Davisism."
"Jocelyn Wildenstein Delusion" - Thinking you become more beautiful the more you resemble a person whose face was blown off in a propane tank explosion.
"John McCain Delusion" - The sufferer stoops more and more until he resembles a bridge troll. He then changes all his political positions in the wholly mistaken belief that this will get him elected president.
"Brad Pitt Delusion" - Thinking you're a man even though you haven't got a pair.
"Angelina Jolie Delusion" - Characterized by the intense desire to collect human beings of various ethnic backgrounds. This is followed by the overwhelming urge to have one's picture taken in refugee camps and disaster zones while dressed in native garb. Sufferers become so impervious to pain that they can laugh all the way through dangerous surgical procedures like C-sections. Weight loss may result in the patient coming to resemble a circus freak. The face may also become frozen in an expression of supreme self-satisfaction. The lips may bloat and the veins become prominent on the arms. Other symptoms may include the desire to have sexual relations with one's own siblings, an intense fascination with sharp objects and the need to steal other women's husbands and denut them.
Thursday, July 24, 2008