10 Sure Signs That You Need To Get Over Yourself

1. Your MySpace page takes 5 minutes to load.

2. You call yourself Diablo even though your name is Brook.

3. You're always doing interviews in which you insist that you hate being famous.

4. You're writing a 1000-page novel, in the first-person present-tense, about the time a camp counselor grabbed hold of your crotch.

5. You're constantly retiring from music only to return again with a huge tour.

6. You have angel wings tattooed on your back.

7. You cry your eyes out on TV over a dog you gave away.

8. You're on an MTV reality show - and you're always forgetting your lines.

9. You're Kanye West.

10. You have a blog.

Where's A Suicide Bomber When You Need One?

More Year In Pictures: June

Lindsay Lohan and Vanessa Minnillo get freaky with knives.

Paris's booking photo.

Paris not coping well with the whole jail thing.


Tom, Katie and Poshy cheer on David Beckham.



Suri endures her father long enough for the photographer to get the pic.

Lindsay Gets Busy In Capri

It was a busy weekend for Lindsay Lohan, who was in Capri accepting an award at a film festival, and was caught by the paps talking up no less than three different men. From top to bottom we have: Waiter Alessandro De Nivola, who Lindsay met shortly after arriving; actor Eduardo Costa, who has a lot in common with Lindsay including a high likelihood of developing skin cancer later in life; and another actor, Dario Faiella, the son of Italian music legend Peppino Di Capri (whoever that is).

Riley Giles wasn't lying about Lohan being a sex addict.

(source)

Nicole Kidman Not Pregnant Again

Nicole Kidman's reps are denying reports that the actress has become pregnant by husband Keith Urban. Kidman's Australian press spokeswoman said of the story:

It is incorrect. She must have had about 30 babies by now.

Damn, think of the stretch-marks.

Anyway I told you Nicole wasn't really pregnant. When gossip editors get bored they tell their writers, "I know, let's say Nicole Kidman got knocked up again." Then they chomp a cigar or go back to playing Donkey Kong or whatever the fuck those people do when they're not barking orders.

(source)

Paris Parties With Federline

Paris is in Las Vegas for one of her annual New Year's party hosting gigs. She apparently ran into Federline at a club (he's not home with the kids?) and decided to stand next to him smiling. I don't know if they had sex, and I don't want to know.

Horndog Heaven

Hayden Panettiere was also invited to the Capri Film Festival to receive a special commendation. History (of a sort) was made when Ms. Hayden was photographed sitting next to the one and only Lindsay Lohan, the person she has succeeded as the favorite of wanking pervs everywhere. I wonder what sort of words passed between these two titans of twittery?

"Wow I really love your hair."

"Thanks those are great tights."

"Thanks you fucking no-talent cow."

"Nice to see you twat-faced cum-trap."

"Bite me bitch."

"Hey you wanna hook up later?"

"Cool, I'll bring the camera. X17 will give us $50,000 for that."

More Year in Pictures

Matthew McConaughey practices his pelvic thrusts. Pelvic. Thrusts.


Oh man, Lagerfeld totally sucked all Courtney's blood. Then vomited it.


She's not dead, she only looks dead.

Hancock Teaser

No real point in posting this teaser poster for Hancock starring Will Smith and Charlize Theron. I just liked writing "Hancock teaser." Cause I'm childish.

Milo Admits He's Slipping Hayden The Bone

Forget all that ducking and denying Heroes co-stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia have done about their relationship: They're screwing, and this is coming straight from Milo himself, who confirmed the long-rumored more-than-friends situation while toasting Hayden during a pre-Christmas party in L.A.

"He called her his girlfriend and said that he loved her," a fellow partygoer reported, adding that the two spent most of the night holding hands and probably making goo-goo eyes at each other.

Milo's 30 and Hayden's 18. But, we all know women age faster than men. In two years Hayden will already be a used-up ho and Milo will be sniffing around Hannah Montana.

(source)

Lohan Being Given Lifetime Achievement Award

Lindsay Lohan is in Italy for the Capri Film Festival, which is reportedly set to honor the starlet for - no joke - her outstanding contribution to cinema.

Obviously, the Capri Film Festival is having trouble attracting real stars and had to go waaaaay down the list to find someone to give their dopey award to (even Tara Reid and Bud Bundy turned them down). Or, maybe people in Capri just have a really, really ironic sense of humor. The only thing I know is that, when Lindsay is given her "honor," there will be no doubt in her damaged little brain that she deserves it. She is not going there thinking the whole thing is just a publicity grab by the festival - she's convinced she's some kind of great actress and this is just validation. Which is why I sincerely wish the Capri people had not done this.

It's fine if people like Lohan want to have careers in movies, but why do they have to be propped up in their delusions? It's like Martin Lawrence being invited to Inside the Actor's Studio. Stupid bastard sat there sucking up ex-pimp James Lipton's counterfeit flattery ("Next we come to your great masterpiece Big Momma's House.") and by the end of it he probably thought he was Olivier. Lohan's going to walk out of the Capri fest with her citation or trophy or gift certificate from The Olive Garden thinking, "Cate Blanchett? Who needs that scrawny bitch. I'm going to win ten Oscars."

Sad.

(source)

Kidman Pregnant

It's Saturday so that means Nicole Kidman must be pregnant again. Seriously, this chick gets knocked up more often than Tara Reid falls on her ass - and yet she never actually gets around to pumping out a kid. The latest "report" comes from The Daily Mail which says Kidman and husband Keith Urban broke the pregnancy news to their families over Christmas. When I see a big huge belly on Kidman I'll believe it. Hopefully, if she does finally have a kid, it will call her "mom" and not "Nicole" or "skinny taut-faced lady we're not allowed to call mother cause our midget daddy said he'd shoot us in the ass with his ray-gun."

(source)

Keira Doesn't Dig Hollywood Scene

Keira Knightley doesn't like L.A. because the people there are all shallow and only want to talk about movies. The lovely Keira told Cosmo:

It's a funny place - I could never live in Hollywood, because there's nowhere to escape to. You find yourself sitting around a lot and every conversation you have is about the movies. I think you have to be in a city that has different walks of life that you can observe - and, for me, that's London.

What an impressive young lady Ms. Knightley is. Positively brimming-over with wisdom and insight. How refreshing to know not everyone in the movies is completely wrapped up in themselves.

(source)

Beijing Smog

The city of Beijing has become almost unlivable due to high levels of air pollution caused by coal burning and a larger number of cars on the roads. The government has issued a warning that small children and old people should cut down their outdoor activities as much as possible. But if the children and oldsters can't go outside, how will they get to the sweat-shops to make the lead-tainted toys to sell to American kids to give them neurological disorders as part of the world takeover plan?

Mischa Bailed

Mischa Barton finally got bailed out yesterday and tried to sneak out the back of the police station all wrapped up in a blanket. Didn't work. Paps still got her. Well Mischa, you do something desperate to get attention, you have to expect...attention. Right?

No Country For Old Men

The theme of this movie is how the world is going to hell in a handcart and old upstanding grizzled farts like Tommy Lee Jones can't do shit to save it. It's a grim-ass thing too - cause if Tommy Lee Jones can't save us, who the fuck can?

I actually read this book (amazingly, since I almost never bother reading, as you could probably guess by the "depth" of my insights). It was good. There was lots of hard-scrabble lyricism and descriptions of arroyos. I looked up "arroyo" and it means "a dry creek bed or gulch that temporarily fills with water after a heavy rain." "Gulch" is a good word too by the way and so is "creosote." Books filled with words like this always feel very poetic and spare and beautiful. Then Cormac McCarthy - guy who wrote the book; Oprah interviewed him awhile ago after apparently threatening to kill him if he didn't agree to do it - describes these horrifically violent shootings and stuff, and the thought that pops into your head is, "Wow, this would make a really great movie. Hell, you wouldn't even have to write a script, you could just use the book as your script."

So the Coen Brothers came along and made the movie, and I think they basically used the book as their script, cause I can't think of another movie that ever followed a book so closely, except for a few bits where they took some of the sheriff character's letters and wrote that into the dialogue to avoid having a lot of dopey narration. This is not one of those funny Coens movies by the way. This is more toward the serious, realistically-rendered end of things, like Fargo except without that little snarky wink caused by trying to be hip about people from Minnesota. There's lots of detail, like the boot-marks all over the tile floor after a guy has gotten strangled to death, his feet kicking as he struggled with the killer. And there's tons of grimly sardonic dialogue again lifted almost verbatim from the source. This is all in Tommy Lee Jones's wheelhouse. He plays this Texas sheriff who can only cope with how messed-up the world is by being bitterly ironic about everything. But Tommy really only trails the main story which concerns this dude played by Josh Brolin who finds a bunch of drug money and tries to keep it, and is hunted down by an incredibly evil, ethnically indistinct guy named Anton Chigurh, who murders people with an air-gun.

Chigurh is the creepiest character since Hannibal Lecter (I mean the original Lecter from Silence of the Lambs, not one of Anthony Hopkins's whorish subsequent Lecter performances). Javier Bardem plays him without a hint of human warmth; he's like a robot programmed to believe that all existence is pre-ordained and he's just some kind of instrument of fate who has no choice himself (he occasionally lets his would-be victims off by flipping a coin and letting them call it; this is his one concession to the notion that destiny can be altered). What makes this guy so creepy is how polite he is. He reminds me of certain bullies I knew who would get you to do what they wanted by speaking in a gentle voice, asking you to "please" do this or that, then when you did it some horrible thing would befall you and they'd stand there laughing. Except Chigurh doesn't laugh, but places his air-gun gently to your forehead and impales your brain with the little rod that shoots out.

Chigurh is supposed to be some kind of metaphor for an evil that has crept into the human world, that is going to systematically and dispassionately annihilate all the good folks. Nothing can stop Chigurh - he can't be reasoned with or bought off; he can't even be locked out because he'll just take his air-gun and pop the lock. His advantage over all us regular folks is his knowledge of human nature. He knows that if he talks to certain people a certain way they'll do what he wants, and then he can kill them. He doesn't operate this way because he needs to necessarily, but because it makes life easier for him. Evil, the movie tells us, likes things tidy and convenient. If Chigurh were a manager at 7/11 it would be the best-run 7/11 in the history of the world, and you can bet none of his employees would mouth-off.

I'm glad the Coens made this movie, cause honestly, after that piece of shit with George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones I thought they were done. Turns out they only needed a good piece of material to get them going again. This movie makes you think good and hard about the evil in the world and whether there really is some great tide of blood and shit about to sweep over us and destroy us all. I don't know if it's true, but if the coming evil has as bad a haircut as Chigurh, at least we'll all have a good laugh before we're shuffled off to the death-camps. I have to give this movie four Chips Ahoy out of four because it's clearly a work of art and when it was over I felt icky about the universe for a good fifteen minutes.

Angelina Jolie In "The Changeling"

Here's a pic of Angie in her forthcoming movie The Changeling. The story according to IMDb:

A mother's prayer for her kidnapped son to return home is answered, though it doesn't take long for her to suspect the boy who comes back is not hers.

So the kid comes home but Angie doesn't know if it's hers. I bet that kind of thing happens a lot to her in real life. You know, having two Asian kids. She looks at "Maddox" and for a second she's not sure...

Congrats New Daddies

Let Crabbie be the first to congratulate Mark Ruffalo and Ethan Hawke on their new baby. It was a long, hard pregnancy for Mark, but everything worked out great in the end. The couple says they may try for another baby next year.

Another Duff Sister

Ashley Tisdale went into the plastic surgeon and said, "I want to look like Haylie Duff." The plastic surgeon immediately had her taken off for a psychological evaluation. She checked out, so he had to give her Haylie's nose. He then shot himself.

Rihanna Turning White

Barbados-born pop-star Rihanna fears touring all over the world is turning her white. She said in an interview:

In the beginning, I was dark. Now I've been through cold weather, and I'm slowly getting paler and paler.

Rihanna says a long vacation back home on the beaches of Barbados will give her back her original non-white complexion. Maybe she could take Barack Obama along with her?

(source)

Penns Kaput

Long-time Hollywood couple Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn is no more reports People Magazine. Further details are officially unavailable, but a little birdy told Crabbie that Sean blubbered a lot when they broke up, while Robin stood there looking old and crinkly and not doing a hell of a lot.

Sean and Robin were married in 1996 and have two kids, both named after famed sixties counterculture figures. They appeared in a few movies together but those pretty much all sucked. Lately Penn has become an out-spoken Bush-hater and wannabe journalist, while Wright...I don't know, I guess she cooked his eggs? Now someone else will have to.

(source)

Incredibly Boring Hulk Pic

Universal has begun rolling out the promo pics for their forthcoming "re-loading" of The Incredible Hulk. Here we Bruce Banner himself, Edward Norton, staring intently at a little tiny bottle of something. And he's wearing a tank-top, which is not nearly as interesting as Eric Bana wearing a tank-top.

What brain-wizard at Universal decided Norton should be Banner instead of Bana by the way? Oh, I know - this isn't a sequel but a do-over. They're trying to pretend that first Hulk never existed. So Bana's out and Norton's in. There goes all Banner's sex-appeal. Norton, he's about as sexy as the bits of wet noodle that are always getting stuck in my drain.

Bhutto Dead

Benazir Bhutto has been assassinated. So of course that means riots in the streets of Pakistani cities. Doesn't have a whole lot of meaning, considering the frivolous stuff people riot over in that part of the world. To those folks, an important leader like Bhutto dying is equal to some schlub publishing a cartoon in a newspaper or Richard Gere sucking on Shilpa Shetty. They have no sense of proportion. Unlike Americans, who only burn down things for good reasons, like their team winning a championship.

Will Smith Flap

Will Smith got in a spot of trouble for some stuff he said about Hitler the other day. Here is the exact quote:

Even Hitler didn't wake up going, "Let me do the most evil thing I can do today." I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was "good."

Various groups attacked Smith for, in their eyes, praising Hitler. The actor then issued a clarification, which read in part:

Adolf Hitler was a vile, heinous, vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet.

Glad you cleared that up for us Will. Cause we were all starting to think maybe Hitler was just misunderstood.

Okay, I'll be serious for a minute - I don't think what Smith originally said was worthy of the headlines it got. It was just another case of a celebrity not thinking before speaking. The problem for Smith is, even if you think you have a point - which he may or may not have - you sort of need to stop and ask yourself if what you want to say is worth the backlash that could come. It's fine to think you're right, or semi-right, or have a point that's worth bringing into the discussion - but will saying the thing give certain people ammo to use against you, and do you really need the aggravation?

What did Smith think he had to gain by saying what he said in the first place? Did he think people were going to go, "Wow, that Will Smith is quite a philosopher. And here I thought he was just another Hollywood doofus. Goes to show, you never can tell..." If it was Will's intention to prove his smarts, then it backfired on him, cause all he proved was that he's not smart enough to smell trouble.

The good thing for Will is that his image is mostly a positive one and people will give him a pass. Such is not the case for Maggie Gyllenhaal, who did about the same thing as Will when she made her infamous comments about America deserving 9/11. People think she's a bitch anyway, so they'll continue bludgeoning her with that one for the rest of her natural life. And frankly she deserves it, the butt-ugly cow.

Riley Selling Lindsay's Naughty Pics

Riley Giles already talked shit about Lindsay Lohan to News of the World, calling her a sex addict, and now the jilted bastard is trying to cash in on his short relationship with the dippy starlet in an even bigger way by offering naughty pictures of her to the highest bidder.

And you thought Lindsay had trust issues with men before...

MSNBC reports that Giles has already signed with a photo agency, which yesterday sent out emails to tabloids containing sample pics of Lindsay "in various states of undress." But of course the tabs are all too upstanding to take advantage of anyone, and would therefore never dream of paying money to feature dirty pictures of Lindsay Lohan within their pages.

This Giles guy makes Lindsay's father Michael look almost human by comparison. He's still not as sleazy as Dina though. Least he's got something to shoot for.

(source)

Mischa Barton Is Such A Copycat

Actress Mischa Barton was arrested this morning in West Hollywood, CA for DUI, narcotics possession and driving on a suspended license. At last report Mischa was still being held on $10,000 bail.

Sounds like someone was feeling a tad neglected. Too bad bitch couldn't have had a sudden, catastrophic meeting with a bridge abutment rather than be pulled over. Seriously, why do none of these idiot skanks ever kill themselves? Is there some secret law of physics I'm not aware of? "If the starlet be under 30 and insufferable in the extreme, she will consume large quantities of mind-altering substances and still be able to operate a vehicle with sufficient skill to avoid death, dismemberment or other serious damage to herself."

I'm not even going to get into the suspended license issue. Obviously, these silly, spoiled bitches all think those sorts of rules don't apply to them either. I hope they give Mischa 30 years. Make an example of her.

Eh...no one would notice if she vanished anyway. Whatever.

(source)

Paris's Money Going To The Poor

Paris Hilton might want to change her name to Poor-Ass Hilton after learning of her grandfather Barron's plans to donate 97% of his $2.3 billion fortune to charity rather than allow it to be doled out amongst his filthy, degenerate heirs as originally planned.

Paris, it has long been reported, stood to receive $20+ million upon the death of the family patriarch. But it has also been long-rumored that Barron was secretly disgusted by Paris's antics, and reports have circulated before about him wanting to cut her out of the will or at least greatly reduce her inheritance. This new announcement would seem to seal the deal on Paris's big pay-off - ain't gonna happen - unless Paris and the rest of Barron's heirs try some kind of legal challenge, which would be a tad ironic, given that Barron himself spent a decade fighting in the courts for money his late father Conrad originally earmarked for charity upon his own death.

But let's not start playing the world's smallest violin for Paris just yet. As we know, Paris has her own sources of income, including her movie career, which is set to take off in a big way when her sure blockbuster The Hottie and the Nottie is released in January. And then there's all the money Paris makes from showing up places so people can hurl things at her and generally bombard her with abuse. Oh, and there's the book she plans to write about her jail experiences. And a new album. And, surely, another reality show down the road.

Yup, Paris will easily make up that $20 million and more just by selling herself. We can look forward to years and years of Paris on TV, Paris in the movies, Paris's music playing at nightclubs...

Sweet Jesus Barron, we know you care about the starving Africans and the blind children and everything, but think of the rest of us. Just give the bitch her money so she'll go away. You want to do something good for mankind...that's better than anything else you could possibly do!

(source)

(Thanks Cupcake)

Lindsay And Her Orangutan

Lindsay Lohan plans a re-make of Clint Eastwood's Every Which Way But Loose, starring her little sister Ali as the orangutan.

Josh Duhamel Proposes To Fergie And She Accepts

Transformers star Josh Duhamel asked his little meth-head sweetheart Fergie to be his wife and she said yes. No wedding date has yet been announced, but the couple has already registered at the dented trailer next to the big patch of burned-up grass alongside the highway ten miles south of town.

(source)

Federline Is A Cheapskate

Kevin Federline had Sean Preston and Jayden James over Christmas (their mom was too busy huddling in gas station bathrooms pretending to have phone conversations for the benefit of the gullible paps). PageSix.com (which has already overtaken TMZ as the go-to gossip site - sorry Harv) reports that Federline had his cook prepare Filipino food for dinner, but that there was also a deep-fried turkey for those not interested in the primary fare. The guest-list featured most of Federline's family, including his divorced parents and their spouses (makes for a crowded deck when everyone goes out to have their smoke). Here's the kicker though - according to PageSix.com's source, Federline went cheap on gifts for SP and JJ because "he knew Britney would go nuts and get them more than they will ever need."

Oh yeah - Federline didn't want to overdo it gift-wise, so the credit card stayed in the pocket. More likely the credit card came out of the pocket, then got slid through the thingie and was rejected. Then the clerk tapped her foot and Federline got all sheepish. Something Kevin's used to by now I'd imagine.

And even if Britney did go nuts and buy the kids a bunch of toys - how much fun would it really be for them watching their giggling mommy playing with their shit?

"Here comes Spider Man. Woo. Look I'm Spider Man kids. Hey, I can do that for real. Watch me shoot webs out of my palms.

Come on god damn it. I swear I made it work last week..."

SP and JJ cringing away in horror. That's Christmas?

(source)

Alleged Parker Mistress A Total Wack-Job

Alexandra Paressant, the woman who made headlines by claiming to have had sex with Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker, is apparently a total nut-case who made up the whole thing, and suckered website X17.com into spreading her carefully-contrived fiction.

The truth about Paressant has now been uncovered by People magazine reporter Dana Kennedy who relates details of her investigation in a blog on The Huffington Post. Among Kennedy's revelations:

• Paressant filled her MySpace page with pictures of various similar-looking models, none of whom were Paressant herself.
• Paressant never had a relationship with soccer star Ronaldinho as has been rumored, but was responsible for creating said rumor herself by flooding message boards with it.
• The modeling agencies Paressant claimed to work for had received photos, emails and calls from her but no one at any of them had ever met her in person.
• The photos of "Paressant" on X17 were actually of a German model named Hana Nitsche.
• When Kennedy tried calling Paressant's alleged best friend Ornella Irie using a number provided by Paressant, the woman on the other side of the line was "unmistakeably Alexandra" herself.
• Paressant's mother once admitted to a French reporter that her daughter "liked to make up stories."
• Paressant emailed Kennedy a photo of her French resident card by way of proving her identity, but a friend of Alexandra's said the photo on the card was not Alexandra.

The fascinating element of this story is Paressant's use of the internet to spread her lies. She posted anonymously on message boards about her made-up affair with Ronaldinho, and over time, people actually came to believe she was his mistress. Then she used a MySpace page to create a whole fake Internet identity complete with pictures that weren't really her, and a friends section full of famous people she never met (again, friending famous folks is easy - I've gotten added to the friends lists of Cory Kennedy, Tori Spelling and Brody Jenner; okay, those people are not actually that famous but you get my drift - those MySpace pages are used for self-promotion; the whole point of them is to get added to other people's friends lists, so if you find a MySpace page with lots of famous people as friends, it doesn't mean jack-shit).

Paressant really upped the ante though when she went through X17, providing them with pics of text messages she allegedly passed back and forth with Parker. Again, an easy thing to fake. Unfortunately for X17, they didn't bother checking Paressant out, and now they've been sued for $20 million by Tony Parker who, judging by Kennedy's expose, is surely going to win. The lesson in all this: Never trust French sluts, especially if you're a website trying to compete with TMZ and Perez. And always get pay-off money up-front.

(source)

The Year In Pictures: Paris Goes To Court

From May...You may have missed it when it happened (there was just so little media coverage), but Paris Hilton got sent to jail earlier this year. At least she looked cute at the courthouse right?

(original post)

The Year In Pictures: Hugh Grant, Bean-Chucker

From April...Hugh Grant prepares to fling a container of beans at a pap. Look at that form!

(original post)

The Year In Pictures: Winehouse Troll

From April...Amy Winehouse looks like she just crawled out from under a bridge.

(original post)

Angie Takes Shiloh For A Ride

Who says Angie never does anything with Shiloh? And look - the Blob is even wearing a helmet. Oh, but she doesn't have on a flak-jacket. God damn irresponsible bitch Angelina.

Britney Gives Lynne A (Very Small) Piece Of Her Mind

Britney Spears is seething with rage at her sister Jamie Lynn's foray into the world of teen pregnancy, and the majority of said anger is being directed squarely at their mother Lynne, whom Britney reportedly reamed out over the phone a couple of days ago. A source for PageSix.com reports:

Britney basically went off on her the entire time, blaming her for her and Jamie Lynn's messed up life. It was a very hurtful call.

Another example of why Britney is nothing more than an ungrateful cow. Seriously, Britney should be down on her knees thanking Lynne - because where would Britney be in this world without her mother? Who would have pushed her into show-biz, allowing her to lead the extravagant life she now knows?

How many people get to spend their days driving from one Starbucks to the next, blowing thousands of dollars aimlessly, having absolutely no responsibilities or cares? Not many. But the superstar lifestyle is not enough for Britney - she wants love and affection and understanding too. Well, get over it Britney. Clearly your mother is incapable of loving anything but money. You're nothing to her but a source of income, and Jamie Lynn too. So what? You're young and sort of attractive from certain angles, and you have lots of money, and many desperate men want to have sex with you because of the money. Enjoy it while it lasts. And forget about love and the rest of that shit. That's for suckers.

(source)

I Am Legend

Life sucks for the last man left alive in New York City. There's nothing to watch but old DVDs of the Today Show, the escaped zoo lions are running around eating all the game and just try and get a frapuccino anywhere. Oh, but things could be a lot worse - you could be the last man left alive in New York except for Rex Reed who keeps banging on your door at three in the morning wanting sex. How long would it be before you shot Rex and dragged his carcass out into the street for the buzzards? Not very long.

I Am Legend places Will Smith in a situation something like that outlined above (except for the stuff about Rex Reed). Will plays an army scientist (takes a second to get with the idea of Will playing a scientist, but all right) who got stuck in New York City after a new cancer cure turned into some kind of supervirus and killed most of the people and left most of the rest looking like Iggy Pop after a rough weekend. Now Will holes up at night in his super-reinforced Washington Square town house with his faithful dog Sam, and during the daytime goes out to shoot at deer with his big ole gun and hit golf balls off the tail of an SR-71 parked on the deck of the USS Intrepid. He has to stay inside at night cause the Iggy Pops are blood-thirsty vampire dudes who hiss and gnash their teeth, but get burned by UV rays during the daytime (thank God they never heard of Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch). When he's not listening to Bob Marley or hanging out with his mannequin friends at the DVD store, Will spends his time in his basement lab trying to find a cure for the Iggy Pop plague, but most of his test rats either die or behave like Perez Hilton when he's off his meds.

Will Smith has always run sort of 50/50 with his movie choices - he'll do something nice and amusing like Men in Black or I, Robot (yes, I liked I, Robot, so suck it) and then he'll turn around and do Wild Wild West or Men in Black 2. I Am Legend, I'm happy to announce, falls on the "good" side of Smith's ledger. Actually, I think it's probably the best thing he's ever done (never bothered seeing Pursuit of Happyness, mostly because of the kid). This is an incredibly suspenseful movie, not insultingly stupid or in-your-face like a lot of supposed blockbuster entertainments. What impressed me about it so much was how quiet it is. Amazingly, there are whole long stretches where you just get to watch Smith doing his daily post-Apocalypse Survivorman thing, and there's no portentous music or other silly Hollywood crap being thrust at you; there's no sense that the director thinks you're a 14-year-old boy who needs to have his attention drawn back from his cell-phone or his Gameboy or his willie or whatever the hell else is distracting him.

I have to say - and this may make me seem like a dope - but I pretty much went for all of this, even the last act which a lot of critics have ripped because it seems to veer off too far into the hokey/spiritual side of things. It's at least a physically impressive film with all the urban desolation and grass growing up through the streets and the lonely echoes as Smith fires his gun amid the empty skyscrapers which have become like the pyramids of the Maya, mutely testifying to the folly of a dead civilization. You can bitch all you want about the insane money Hollywood often spends on making crap, but watching a movie like this, one becomes grateful for all that wretched excess. This is what Hollywood does best when it's on its game - these absurdly well-detailed, fully-imagined depictions of fantasy worlds. Plus, Will Smith doing pull-ups - that's never a bad thing, you know?

Zellweger Hates Paris

Renee Zellweger doesn't think much of Paris Hilton and the other attention-junkie types currently making so much noise in show-biz. Zellweger, when asked her opinion of Hilton, said:

I can't bear that scene. People work so hard to get where they are in this business, so it makes me angry when I see someone making a mockery of what we do, just trying to make five bucks.

You know what I think you should do then Renee? I think you should find Paris and kick the shit out of her. And I think you should bring a camera crew along when you do it and then put the whole thing up on pay-per-view and charge 50 bucks. I for one would gladly shell out that sum to see you claw that bitch's face to tatters.

Renee Zellweger has now gone up several notches in my esteem, and is officially exempt from being ripped on this blog for the next three months.

(source)

Huckabee Co-Opts Jamie Lynn

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee thinks Jamie Lynn Spears is doing the right thing by having her baby. The bible-thumping former fat-ass said:

It's a tragedy when a 16-year-old who is not really prepared for all the responsibilities of adult life is going to be now faced with all the responsibilities of honest-to-goodness adult life.

Apparently, she's going to have the child and I think that is the right decision, a good decision, and I respect that and appreciate it. I hope it is not an encouragement to other 16-year-olds who think that is the best course of action.

But at the same time I'm not going to condemn her. I just hope that she will make another right decision and that's to give that child all the love and kindness and care that she can.

Yeah, okay Huckabee. And if she was your 16-year-old daughter and you were running for office, what would you think then about her decision to have the baby? Would it even be up to her in that situation, or would you have her drugged and spirited away to the nearest back-door abortion clinic to save you the shame of having to explain the whole thing?

Here's a suggestion Schmuckabee - just don't say anything about it at all. We know, the whole pro-life thing is part of your right-wing holy-roller kick, but please - it's insulting when people like you try to co-opt everything you think can help you make your case. If somebody shoots up a mall, it's an opportunity to drag out the old "rock music is evil" routine. If some little harlot gets knocked up, it's an opportunity to remind your base how much you "value human life." Do us all a favor sir, and shove it in your used-to-be-gigantic ass.

(source)

Keira Knightley's Twat Smells

Exclusive sources have informed me that Keira Knightley has a smelly twat. They say it's so bad you can barely stand being next to her. People want to tell her to go do something about it but they're afraid of getting chewed out by the pissy bitch. Last week, a small dog is reported to have died after inhaling Keira's overwhelming twat-reek. Authorities are considering having Keira's twat declared a biohazard.

The Year In Pictures: What?

From April...Beyonce unveils some crazy new dance moves. Either that or she's just being frozen in Carbonite.

(original post)

Zahara Can Walk

Apparently Zahara can walk after all.

Sacha Baron Cohen Retiring Borat

Sacha Baron Cohen revealed in an interview with The Telegraph that he is done playing Borat, the Jew-hating, whore-crazy Kazakhstani journalist he rose to world-wide fame portraying. Cohen said:

When I was being Ali G and Borat I was in character sometimes 14 hours a day and I came to love them, so admitting I am never going to play them again is quite a sad thing. It is like saying goodbye to a loved one. It is hard, and the problem with success, although it's fantastic, is that every new person who sees the Borat movie is one less person I 'get' with Borat again, so it's a kind of self-defeating form, really.

It's upsetting, but the success has been great and better than anything I could have dreamed of.

I wouldn't worry too much about running out of people to hoodwink with the Borat bit Sacha - I'm betting there are big pockets of America where not only has no one seen that movie, but they don't even know what the hell "movies" are.

I'm one of the people who adored Borat, but even I have to admit, that bit was really evil. Some of the stuff he did to those folks in that movie was demonic (handing the woman the napkin filled with his "poo" would have to be at the top). Plus, let's face it, the whole thing had more than a little elitist overtone to it. All right, let's be frank - it was way elitist. But, at least it was honestly elitist. I mean, what's worse - openly mocking the stupidity of "common people," or playing some cynical game where you romanticize them in order to hide the fact that you're really looking down your nose at them? Politicians pander to the masses all the time, but you know when they're in their backrooms smoking their cigars they all laugh about it and call us fools. All Cohen did by creating Borat was bring that shit out in the open. I'm not saying that makes him a good guy - frankly I think he's a bit of a turd - but at least he doesn't hide behind a bunch of pukey sentiment like Frank Capra and all those other old-fashioned leftist filmmakers who ranked pretending to care about people right up there with knowing a good wine and having taste in furniture.

(source)

Jamie Lynn Fears Britney

There was a reason Jamie Lynn Spears didn't immediately tell big sis Britney about her pregnancy - it was because crazy Britney scares her shitless.

A Spears source told PageSix.com (which is almost useless if you use Firefox by the way) that Jamie Lynn has long-since become mostly estranged from Brit. The source said:

Jamie Lynn has a very soft personality. She loves Britney, not Britney's temper.

Apparently Britney made life miserable for poor Jamie Lynn back when they were kids. What am I saying...Jamie Lynn still is a fucking kid. And so is Britney for that matter.

Anyway, Britney reacted to Jamie Lynn's snub in predictable fashion - she got mad (only validating Jamie Lynn's initial instinct not to deal with her). The source said:

Britney felt betrayed and left out when Jamie Lynn did not come to her first.

Well, tough potatoes to you Britney. Sheesh, you'd think the bitch would be grateful to finally get out of the headlines for a couple of days. Doesn't she realize that's why her mom and Jamie Lynn cooked up this whole pregnancy scheme - to distract everyone from what a mess Britney's life has become? I guess she's not quick enough to realize that. Obviously, they didn't let her in on the plot - probably a good move, since she would've ended up just blabbing it to the paps.

A person with any clue would've taken the hint when her family basically cut her out of the loop, but not Britney - she's too dim to realize the implications of everyone sidling away from her the way they are. Pretty soon there will be no one left for Brit but Sam Lutfi - and then the money will dry up and even Sam will be gone. Then Britney will have to invent an imaginary friend to love her - not too hard, since she's already cuckoo.

(source)

The Year In Pictures: Doherty Soaks Photog

From April...Pete Doherty throws a bucket of water on a photographer. It was a big year for Pete. He got arrested several times, gave pot to a penguin and almost killed it, admitted to blowing old men for crack money, got dumped by Kate Moss who then threw all his stuff out, went to rehab (didn't work), got caught giving crack to his cat, ended up living in a trailer park...and that's just the stuff I can remember off the top of my head.

(original post)

"The Hottie And The Nottie" Has A Trailer

I smell Oscar. Is there a category for Best Reason to Lose All Faith in Humanity and Kill Oneself?

By the way, which one's the hottie? The snot-bubble girl or Paris?

Jackson's Lip-Problems Explained

An explanation has come along for why Michael Jackson was wearing a bunch of band-aids on his mouth the other day at a Barnes & Noble - and it's predictably disturbing. Unfortunately, it involves one of Michael's kids, Prince Michael II to be exact. Apparently, Prince Mike II and his father were playing some kind of fun game (not the kind you're thinking of - I hope) when PMII got a little overzealous as kids will and smacked daddy right in the kisser. Under normal circumstances, this would be no big deal, but when it's Michael Jackson, of course something creepy and bizarre had to ensue. Basically, the blow caused Michael's collagen-injected upper-lip to burst and collapse, and Michael of course panicked and ran to the nearest plastic surgeon to have the thing fixed, hence the band-aids.

The natural thing now would be to feel sorry for poor Prince Michael II over the trauma this mishap must've caused, but really, does anyone think such a thing would even seem unusual to PMII by this point? I mean, when does a day go by that something on Michael's face doesn't deflate, move to a new position, fall off or begin emanating a strong smell of decay? It's normal to these kids by now. The real trauma will be when they have to make their way in the real world (cause daddy had himself frozen until some future day when scientists have discovered a cure for bankruptcy), and they suddenly discover that most people aren't like Mr. Potato-Head. Like, when they go to a restaurant and gigglingly try to pull off the waiter's nose and for some reason it won't come off. Think how disconcerting that will be for them.

(source)

Lynne Told Federline Before Telling Britney

US Weekly says that Lynne Spears told Kevin Federline about Jamie Lynn's pregnancy before she told Britney. Apparently this is no big shocker to people familiar with the situation, one of whom said:

Lynne talks with him way more than she talks to Britney.

Well, it's hard work talking to someone who can barely form coherent words much less put sentences together. Plus we all know Kevin and Lynne are fucking, so it was probably just after-sex talk.

Lynne (puffing a cig): "Did I mention Jamie Lynn is pregnant?"

Kevin: "Damn baby, that's wack. Uh, would you mind climbing on this thing one more time? Popozao needs some more of your hot but so-wrong lovin' baby-grandma."

(source)

Cowell On Water

"What the hell was that, Flipper? You call that a performance? I've worn shoes that had more personality than that. Speaking of which, does anyone know where I can get a nice pair of dolphin shoes made? Seriously, that's how ashamed I am of you Flipper. I come out here to the ocean and I expect certain things. A ball balanced on a nose. A fish caught in a mouth. And all I get is this watered-down rendition of 'The Wind Beneath My Wings.' You think Kelly Clarkson would've gotten anywhere if she'd sung like that? I wouldn't have even let the bitch into my office, much less allowed her to suck my dick in exchange for being advanced to the next round. Forget it Flipper. And don't try those puppy-dog eyes on me either. I'm not Hayden Panettiere, all right? I'd make dolphin chops out of you as soon as give you the time of day."

Alli Sims Going Ahead With Music Career

We haven't heard much lately from Alli Sims, Britney's alleged relative who used to be photographed with her on a daily basis. For a second I actually thought Sam Lutfi had Alli killed and the body dumped in an abandoned quarry somewhere, but no, it turns out Alli is very much alive, and still intent on launching her own music career. She seems pretty determined about it too. She told the German magazine Maxi:

When I make it as a singer, I will have made it on my own. The people who help me with my career right now, I have met without Britney and that's good.

I don't want her to help me, I wanna make it on my own.

I wanna be the next Norah Jones. I just wanna be on stage and sing blues. If I were a product, I would be Louis Vuitton. Classic, tasteful, timeless.

"If" you were a product Alli? The way you talk about yourself, it sounds like you already are - a product of your own wacked-out imagination. And let's just be real for a second here hon - if you hadn't spent all that time joined at the hip with Britney, no one would know who you are, and certainly no one would've given you a record contract. So please, stop with the self-delusion, all right? And no more lines like the Louis Vuitton one. You ain't classic until you've done something; no one who hangs out with Britney Spears is tasteful; and God knows, a year from now, we'll all know you sure as shit weren't timeless.

(source)

Duff Sister Drama

The Duff sisters were in Houston today to attend their parents' divorce proceedings. On their way into or out of the courthouse they were accosted by reporters, one of whom attempted to squeeze past security and get pictures of them. Then the Duffs got all stroppy and started calling the reporters losers and swearing at them. Oh yeah - the Duffs are great role models for the youth of America. Would someone please fix these equine whores before they procreate?

SAG Nominations; Knightley Snubbed

The Screen Actors Guild has announced its nominations for the year. Here's the run-down:

ACTOR

George Clooney - "Michael Clayton"
Daniel Day-Lewis - "There Will Be Blood"
Ryan Gosling - "Lars And The Real Girl"
Emile Hirsch- "Into the Wild"
Viggo Mortensen - "Eastern Promises"

ACTRESS
Cate Blanchett - "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
Julie Christie - "Away From Her"
Marion Cotillard - "La Vie en rose"
Angelina Jolie - "A Mighty Heart"
Ellen Page - "Juno"

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Casey Affleck - "The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford"
Javier Bardem - "No Country For Old Men"
Tommy Lee Jones - "No Country for Old Men"
Hal Holbrook - "Into the Wild"
Tom Wilkinson - "Michael Clayton

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Cate Blanchett - "I’m Not There"
Ruby Dee - "American Gangster"
Catherine Keener - "Into the Wild"
Amy Ryan - "Gone Baby Gone"
Tilda Swinton - "Michael Clayton"

ENSEMBLE CAST
"3:10 to Yuma" - Christian Bale, Russell Crowe, Peter Fonda, Gretchen Mol, Dallas Roberts, Vinessa Shaw, Ben Foster, Alan Tudyk, Logan Lerman
"American Gangster" - Armand Assante, Josh Brolin , Russell Crowe, Ruby Dee, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Idris Elba, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Carla Gugino, John Hawkes, Ted Levine, Joe Morton, Lymari Nadal, John Ortiz, Rza, Yul Vazquez, Denzel Washington
"Hairspray" - Nikki Blonsky, Amanda Bynes, Paul Dooley, Zac Efron, Allison Janney, Elijah Kelley, James Marsden, Michelle Pfeiffer, Queen Latifah, Brittany Snow, Jerry Stiller, John Travolta, Christopher Walken
"Into the Wild" - Brian Dierker, Marcia Gay Harden, Emile Hirsch, Hal Holbrook, William Hurt, Catherine Keener, Jena Malone, Kristen Stewart, Vince Vaughn
"No Country for Old Men" - Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, Garret Dillahunt, Tess Harper, Woody Harrelson, Tommy Lee Jones, Kelly Macdonald

OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE BY A STUNT ENSEMBLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
"300" (Warner Bros.)
"The Bourne Ultimatum" (Universal)
"I Am Legend" (Warner Bros.)
"The Kingdom" (Universal)
"Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End" (Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)

The big news is that Keira Knightley didn't get nominated for Best Actress for Atonement. I'm sure she'll be pissed about it too. I am officially throwing my full support behind Marion Cotillard who is devastatingly fabulously amazingly awesome in La Vie en Rose, the life-story of Edith Piaf. I can't think of too many more moving moments than the end of this when she sings "Non, je ne regrette rien" in the midst of dying of liver cancer. By the way, all these little flitheads like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears who think abusing their bodies is so hilarious - think about Edith looking like a 70-year-old woman when she wasn't even 50 yet. And Edith had a lot of good reasons to hate life and abuse herself too. And oh by the way starlets - they ain't gonna be making biopics about your sorry asses forty years down the road. Certainly not ones starring actors as brilliant as Marion, who's like a grittier, less precious, much sexier Giulietta Masina.

Other than that I don't know. I liked Viggo's naked wrestling match with the two knife-wielding thugs at the end of the thoroughly-unpleasant yet compelling and beautifully-crafted Eastern Promises, but I'm not sure that qualifies him to win any awards. Ruby Dee in American Gangster is sort of a joke to me cause she only has one big scene where she tells Denzel Washington that even she knows you don't kill cops, and that scene felt like it needed a couple more takes to me in all honesty (I guess Ridley Scott was too polite to make Ruby do it again). And Cate Blanchett in I'm Not There - it's supposed to be this great impersonation of Bob Dylan but the point of the movie, as I understood it, is that the actors aren't really playing Bob Dylan but characters inspired by Dylan's own personal mythology who resemble Dylan but have different names and stories and therefore aren't actually him. So she's not really impersonating Dylan but is only playing a character who is sort of Dylan but actually not. Getting an idea of what a wank-off this movie is? It wouldn't have annoyed me so much except that Todd Haynes was trying so hard to do a Fellini thing with the Blanchett section, as if the not-Dylan were really Guido from 8 1/2 crossed with Anita Ekberg from La Dolce Vita, and it just seemed so superficial, like a film-school student doing some limp homage. And don't even get me started with the Richard Gere end-of-the-world jive. The only good part of that movie was Heath Ledger as the pissy actor and the amazing and fantastic Charlotte Gainsbourg as his wife. I could've watched two full hours of Heath and Charlotte slowly getting more angry at each other. I'm glad Charlotte's okay after her brain injury too. Love her.

(source)

Elephant Man Calls Lucas "Socially Crippled"

I'm looking forward to Indiana Jones 4 about as much as I'm looking forward to my next prostate exam. And speaking of prostate exams...John Hurt has a big interview on Premiere.com where he discusses working on the aforementioned fourth Indiana Jones adventure (I guess I'm saying John Hurt has a swollen prostate; I don't really know at this point). The big revelation from the interview is that Hurt thinks George Lucas is lacking in social skills. The interviewer asked the Elephant Man if he saw Lucas around on the set at all and Hurt answered:

Occasionally. George is a bit socially crippled really. Not good with people. So I just left him alone.

Lucas is a dickhead - let's be frank. He got lucky once on Star Wars (and don't throw American Graffiti up in my face either - it's carried by the music) and since then his career has consisted of cashing in on that one fluke success. His only big contribution to film history has been the invention of the massive, idiotic tie-in campaign - pumping out billions of tons of plastic shit in support of some new hunk of crass, mindless space opera nonsense. And this is coming from someone who thought Star Wars was the greatest thing ever and saw it about a gazillion times when it came out.

It doesn't surprise me that Lucas is some kind of social misfit either. I mean, what would you expect of the man who dreamed up Jar-Jar Binks? Obviously, this isn't a guy who hangs out with people much, or else he'd have known everyone was going to hate that shit.

(source)

Moss Seeks Injunction Against Doherty

Kate Moss is no longer amused by her ex-junkie lover Pete Doherty, especially since she learned about Doherty's plans to sell a bunch of their home movies to ITV2 for their documentary about the couple. A furious Moss is now seeking an injunction in hopes of keeping anything embarrassing from being aired.

Moss may be angry, but I hope she's not surprised. Clearly, Doherty is a complete self-serving dirtbag, who will do anything to make a buck. It's reported that ITV2 may offer him as much as $1 million for the home-movies - that buys a lot of crack, baby. Selling home-movies is clearly preferable to sucking old men's dicks the way Pete used to when he needed drug money.

(source)

Hudgens No Longer Slut Of The Year

Congratulations Vanessa Hudgens - you are officially off-the-hook as Underage Tramp of the Year. That distinction now belongs to Jamie Lynn Spears, who one-upped your little naked photos by getting her 16-year-old ass impregnated. Of course, there's still time for Jamie Lynn to get knocked from her perch. Paging Dakota Fanning?

Keira Knightley Moving; Central Londoners Rejoice

Keira Knightley has at last become fed up with having her privacy invaded and is moving out of Central London in favor of the countryside. The dumb-ass bitch said:

I’m moving out of the center so that I can lead a more domestic life. I want to have local things like shops and nice pubs. Central London is just too busy. I am also not a very sociable person.

I went to the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party and just stood in the corner drinking champagne. Honestly, I don’t like parties very much. I have very few real friends in show-business so it’s really not my crowd.

You stood in the corner drinking champagne because no one wanted to talk to you because you're an insufferable little twit whom no one can stand and I'm sure the cows and sheep and whatever the fuck else they have out in the English countryside are going to be so thrilled to see your scrawny ass coming that they'll all just shit with joy in case you didn't know I'm being sarcastic you fucking brain-dead imbecilic reject I hope you get Mad Cow disease and die painfully and with shit oozing from all your orifices now fuck off you intolerable cunt.

(source)

Mills Owes Lawyers $4 Million

Heather Mills doesn't seem to get the whole paying for legal representation thing. Apparently, in her world, lawyers are supposed to help her fleece Paul McCartney for nothing - unfortunately for Heather the law-firm Mischon de Reya disagrees and is about to sue the one-legged harlot for $4 million.

The whole thing is Heather's own idiot fault of course. Mischon de Reya originally had an agreement with her that their fees would be paid for out of the final divorce settlement, but as Heather's antics became more-and-more foolish, the law firm decided to drop her, and now they don't think they'll get the money owed them for 18 months of work unless they themselves bring Mills to court. Complicating matters for Her Stumpiness is the fact that she's been keeping up her legal bills so far with an overdraft from Coutts bank, who are said to now be "looking critically at the debt."

Completely hilarious. And so typical of Mills too - having this great plan to skin McCartney alive, but blowing it because she couldn't resist playing the victim on TV. Heather may love money but she loves people feeling sorry for her even more. All she had to do was keep her dumb face out of the public eye and let the thing get handled, but no, she had to make crazy all over the place and chase off the lawyers plus freak out the bank people. Stupid, stupid cow.

(source)

Katie Now Older Than Tom

I think I've discovered the secret to Tom Cruise's eternal youthfulness - he sucks Katie Holmes's lifeforce. Seriously, does she not look at least 45? And him? He could pass for 35 in that pic. I'm telling you - something not-natural is going on in that relationship (well, duh Melvin).

Hellboy II Pic

Geek-site IGN has pics from the new Hellboy sequel called - this is creative - Hellboy II. I have to admit that I missed the first Hellboy entirely, perhaps because I was too busy not being a total dork.

Oh my God, this movie has to be cool though - it has Ron Perlman in it! The guy from the stupid show with Linda Hamilton where she was in love with the dude who lived in the sewer!

Gag me.

(source)

Mischa Has A Movie Part

Mischa Barton is apparently going ahead with her acting career, despite there not being one human being of normal intelligence anywhere on earth who is interested in seeing her in anything. Her newest project Homecoming, according to Variety, will see her cast as a creepy small-town chick with a lingering obsession with the hot guy who wouldn't fuck her in high school. So what does she do? Pout while chasing him around with a butcher knife? Oh yeah - that ought to be good.

(source)

Britney Shops On

Britney hits Target with her dog London. All the attention on Jamie Lynn is no doubt making Britney squirm with jealousy. Any minute now I expect the news to come across that Britney has either shaved her head again, gotten a full-face tattoo, driven her car across a median strip and through the front of a Kinko's or had a billboard made out of a blown-up picture of her vag.

Christina Goes Somewhere

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman re-create the night of their child's conception.

Lynne Spears No Longer A Parenting Paragon

Lynne Spears was all set to release a book on parenting called "Pop Culture Mom" - then her 16-year-old daughter Jamie Lynn (did they forget the "e" on "Lynn"?) went and got herself impregnatated, and suddenly the publishing house decided to indefinitely delay the launch of said mommy manual.

This is yet another ridiculous example of cluelessness on the part of the book publishing community. Seriously...so what if Jamie Lynn got pregnant out of wedlock at the age of 16? Why is that necessarily a reflection on Lynne's parenting skills? Why should Lynne have her mommying manual eighty-sixed just because her elder daughter turned out a crazed lunatic danger to society and her younger a little shameless harlot? The publishing company should not allow unfortunate things like this to influence its decision. Lynne Spears is clearly a woman of vast experience and wisdom, and if she wants to share that knowledge then she should be assisted in doing so. There are lots of people in this world who could benefit from Lynne's schooling - please don't deprive them of the opportunity.

I for one am looking forward to Lynne's book ultimately being released. In fact, it's right at the top of my must-read list for 2008 - just above "The Loving Dog Owner's Guide" by Michael Vick, "How to Achieve Inner- and Outer-Beauty" by Fergie and "I Love Heterosexual Sex" by co-authors Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhaal.

(source)

Putin Named Man Of The Year

Time Magazine has decided to name Russian dictator Vladimir Putin its Man of the Year for 2007. Yeah, Putin must be the most important person in the world, cause 99% of earth's population outside Russia spent a grand total of 30 seconds each thinking about the guy.

If I ever need to amuse myself, I just imagine all the Time Magazine writers and editors huddled together in their little meeting room with their doughnuts and their coffee deciding which individual to anoint. Cause you know they treat the whole affair like it's the most important thing in the history of the universe. "Oh, we've got to get this right, cause everyone reads Time Magazine and the whole world is in incredible suspense about who we'll pick."

Actually, no Time Magazine - no one gives a flying fart about who you choose to be Man of the Year. Except, I suppose, other media types who will then report on your choice as though it were a real news story. All day we'll have in-depth analysis from putzes like Joe Scarborough and Wolf Blizter and those flaming twits on FOX, and stories like "Should Putin be Man of the Year?"plus acerbic commentary from Jack Cafferty and other miserable secret pill-poppers who make their living pretending they care about this shit when deep down they all want to be in Bangkok smoking opium and getting blown by teenage hookers.

As for Putin...that guy's ego can't get anymore inflamed, but still, I'm sure it flatters his vanity to be considered so important. He'll probably celebrate by poisoning some more political rivals with Dioxin, locking up a few more dissidents in rat-holes where they'll stay for forty years and maybe have a nice game of darts using his brand-new Kasparov dart-board.

(source)

Jessica Simpson Wants To Be Julia Roberts

Jessica Simpson is said to be interested in doing a re-make of Pretty Woman, the fairy tale nice-hooker movie that launched Julia Roberts as a big-time movie star. A source told OK! Magazine:

[Jessica] thinks this one's got hit written all over it. [Her father] Joe has been telling anyone who will listen that she's the next Julia Roberts.

Yeah, Jessica has really great instincts for what will be a hit and what won't. That's why her new movie Blonde Ambition is going straight to DVD. And of course Papa Joe is all over this Pretty Woman idea. You know he's practically frothing at the mouth over the prospect of Jessica getting to wear those thigh-high boots with the safety-pin Julia wore in the original.

Then again, maybe this would be a good part for Jessica. She certainly has plenty of experience in being pimped out. Of course, if she wants to be the new Julia Roberts, she'll have to make some changes - like get her breasts reduced, a lot, and start taking hag lessons.

(source)

Interview

Imagine my shock when I got this movie Interview from Netflix and opened it up and saw that Sienna Miller was in it. "Damn," I thought to myself, "Sienna makes movies? I thought she just went around dressing weird, bad-mouthing Rust Belt cities and fucking famous guys for publicity."

Okay, I'm gonna be fair now - I sort of liked Sienna in this movie. Not in a super-enthusiastic "Wow that girl should win an Oscar way," but more of a "Wow that girl isn't the total absolute no-talent I thought she was" way. I mean, yeah - Sienna can act a little. Of course, it helps that she's playing a bitchy little coked-up movie-star who anyone only cares about because she fucks famous guys. That's perfect casting. Like having Keira Knightley play a yappy corpse. Or hiring George Clooney to play a big square-jawed oaf who fucks strippers and pretends he doesn't want to be president.

As far as the movie itself...it's about this cranky old Newsweek hack who used to be a war correspondent and Washington reporter but now he's stuck doing fluff pieces on celebrities like Sienna, whose character is named Katya. The guy's played by Steve Buscemi who is a superb actor but hard for me to watch because he just reminds me so much of my uncle Herb who got thrown in jail for molesting boys. He just has that pervy vibe going, doesn't he? Which is kind of the point of his character here I guess.

Anyway Buscemi has to interview Sienna, and by-and-by they end up in her big loft apartment which has a hammock in it and a sink basin she uses as a planter - cause she's a young, hip city girl. They're not there to fuck or anything by the way - it's more of a deal where he becomes intrigued by her and she strings him along, and he's all crusty and cynical and doesn't want her to know that he wants to fuck her, and we're supposed to be all guessing whether she's jerking his chain.

It's the kind of movie the great German director Rainer Werner Fassbinder used to do really well - these little intimate chamber dramas about incredibly self-absorbed and devious people engaged in horrific psychic warfare. This one ain't on that level. It's more distracting than engrossing. It's the kind of movie where you know what's going on by about five minutes in, so you can get up and make yourself a cake, listening to the dialogue from the kitchen, and come back and pretty much feel like you haven't missed anything. Plus you have a nice cake to eat. It ain't anything prize-worthy but I sort of enjoyed Sienna's spastic little part; although some of her mannerisms grated on me, like her little eternal-child tendency to pull on her hair and the way she's always biting her lip to indicate that she's been chastened. The best thing is that - and I hope I ain't giving away too much here - Sienna and Buscemi never have sex. They do make out though and he starts groping her a bit. That made me throw up in my mouth a little. I give this one 2-and-a-half Chips Ahoy. The film is rated R for cursing, Steve Buscemi's semi-perviness and Sienna snorting blow and throwing some of it at Buscemi's head.

Oh, and Sienna's boots are faaaaaaabulous.

Jamie Lynn Spears Is Knocked Up

OK! Magazine will run an interview tomorrow in which Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old Nickelodeon star and sister of Britney, reveals that she is pregnant by her boyfriend Casey Aldridge. Jamie Lynn says in the interview that she plans on keeping the baby. Nickelodeon released the following statement:

We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well-being.

A difficult time for her and her family? No, Nickelodeon. Compared to the shit this family puts up with on a daily basis, Jamie Lynn saying she's pregnant is a walk in the park. It's barely dinner-table conversation.

"Did you know I'm pregnant momma?"

"That's nice dear. Have you seen the remote control anywheres?"

Britney is said to be "frantic" after hearing the news of her sister's pregnancy. I don't know how the hell you'd tell.

(source)

Also Scarier Than Michael Jackson

Meg Ryan is now officially terrifying. Maybe she should've been cast as the Joker instead of Heath Ledger.

Amy Winehouse Has Legal Issues

Amy Winehouse showed up today for her pre-arranged visit with police, which was to include questioning about her involvement in husband Blake Fielder-Civil's attempt at perverting justice via witness pay-off, and the submission of a DNA sample via mouth-swab. Reporting on this story included the detail that Amy, as a formality, was arrested during said appointment. The fact that this arrest was only a formality got lost at first, prompting some of us to think that Amy was on the verge of being sent up the river. I'm happy to report, however, that as of now Amy remains only a drunk and a drug-addict and a pathetic washout with no fashion sense, and not officially a future inmate. That could change fast, though.

(source)

Spice Girls Tension

I was really looking forward to the Spice Girls reunion - not because I care about their lame-ass performing, but because I was hoping for some juicy backstage stories. So far things have been sadly peaceful, but now it looks like the inevitable resentment is starting to at last set in. And - surprise, surprise - Posh is on the receiving end of most of it.

Of course, Posh was always going to end up at the center of any unpleasantness, because she's by far the most famous and the richest of all the Spice Girls. And she has David Beckham which you know burns the rest of them (except Mel C. who doesn't care much about men). What's got the other Spices so irked about Posh in this case, though, is the "special treatment" she's been getting. Silly stuff like Posh not having to wear the hood up on her costume because she doesn't want it to muss her hair. And Posh getting to do a sexy pole-dance routine. And the crowd going wild for Posh every time she blinks an eye, even though she has the least to do in the show.

The funniest one, though, has to be Posh demanding to wear the highest heels, so she'll be taller than the others. Why does she even want that? It just makes her seem more tranny-like.

Actually, I take it back - that's not the funniest thing. The absolute funniest thing is that, when the girls all sing together, they have to turn Posh's mic down so low that when she tries to banter with the crowd afterward no one can even hear her. You know you're untalented when you can't even sing with the Spice Girls.

Okay, so maybe the other Spices have a point - Posh is obviously the weakest link from a performance stand-point, so her getting special treatment is kind of out-of-whack. But, it's also true that Posh is the biggest box-office draw of all the girls. I think it's safe to say that, without Posh, there would be no Spice Girls reunion, because no one would have bothered putting it on. So, the rest of the girls should just shut their fat yaps and enjoy the money Posh is making for them. And if she wants to wear the tallest heels and look like a tranny? You just have to let that slide.

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Kidman Hitting The Road With Urban

Nicole Kidman is taking a year off from movies to accompany hubby Keith Urban on his tour. Nicole said:

You have a sort of gypsy life when you're married to a musician, so I'll be traipsing around on tour next year.

Oh yeah, Nicole will be following Keith on-tour. And keeping a close eye on him too. And if any groupie so much as winks at him, she'll snap her fingers and the men in the sunglasses will fall upon the tart and drag her off, and the poor little slut will never be seen again.

Seriously Nicole, do you think anyone in Hollywood cares that you're taking a year off? "Oh no, Nicole's not going to be here. I guess that means no more wildly successful movies like The Golden Compass and The Stepford Wives." Pardon me Nicole, but it's not like you've been doing yourself any favors with the work you have been doing. So yeah - take a year off. Make the supreme sacrifice of not participating in anymore box-office duds. Oh, and conveniently time your vacation for when there are no new projects being started anyway because of the writer's strike. Yeah, you're all about giving up your own career for your husband. As if you had one to give up.

(source)

Rihanna Remaining Natural

Pop-singer Rihanna says she will never have plastic surgery - not because she's already perfect, but because she says it isn't worth it. The tart said:

I'm terrified of going under the knife. Because of the pain, the complications - not to mention the fact that it's utterly unauthentic.

If my tits aren't feeling big one day, too bad. I'll get a good bra.

I like my body and I work out as hard as I can to make it as perfect as possible. But at the end of the day there's always people who criticise your weight, your hairstyle and what you're wearing. I just get on with it.

Translation: Rihanna has already booked a rhinoplasty, a chin-job, a vag-job, a tit-job, a thigh-suck, a butt-to-forehead fat transplant and a badly-needed ass-tuck.

(source)

Drowning Keira

"This water is so annoyingly wet. It makes me feel skinny. Or fat. I'm a true artist damn it."

Mike Huckabee Makes Me Ill

Take your holiday and shove it, Christ-boy.

Lindsay Shopping

They're all filled with those little bags of Funyuns.

Russell Crowe's Kids

Does anyone know if Russell Crowe's one kid is afflicted? I'm being serious. Cause the way he sits there, it's kind of spooky.

Bourne Rip-Off

The Crabster got suckered into seeing The Bourne Ultimatum, the third in Matt Damon's idiot trilogy based on Robert Ludlum books so lame I wouldn't even use them to prop up a busted couch. I should've known better after the horrific experience of the first two Bourne movies, but I was bored so I figured what the fuck?

Bad idea.

Here's the problem with this movie - the cutting is so fast you can't even tell what the hell is going on half the time. I honestly think that you have to be a tad epileptic to even appreciate this film. Or maybe just hopped up on something. Anyway, I was bored stiff by it, because at no point did it really allow me to become immersed in its potboiler narrative (which probably sucked anyway).

The only good thing about this movie was Joan Allen, who always amuses me because she dresses snappily and I keep waiting for her to get sucked up her own asshole. Matt Damon doesn't do much for me though - he's like a Downsy Leo DiCaprio. He tries to indicate intensity by raising one eyebrow really high; I keep waiting for the eyebrow to creep all the way up under his hairline and disappear. He plays this violent secret-agent-type guy who's searching for his true identity, but I quit caring about this storyline about five minutes into the first Bourne movie, which was only good because it had all sorts of Mini Coopers in it and a German chick sidekick for Damon who I liked because I knew she could've easily kicked that little Boston pansy's ass.

Old Lech Digs Creepy Chicks

The remains of Jenna Jameson rub up against TV personality Ben Stein at some silly event. Remember when Stein used to be kind of amusing in a sardonic sort of way? Now he's just this lame old guy who shows up at stuff and drools on disgusting anorexic porn stars. Plus he looks like Kissinger's pervier younger brother.

Scarier Than Michael Jackson...

Not taking a real position on anything must be harder work than it looks.

Pam Anderson Divorcing Again

Walking germ-warfare experiment Pamela Anderson is reportedly divorcing sex-tape impresario Rick Salomon after only 72 days of marriage. This is a shocking development to me, because I honestly thought their marriage wasn't real to begin with and was only a publicity hoax. Maybe the divorce is part of the hoax? No, these people aren't that clever. Besides, what would be the point of perpetrating a fake marriage when you could go to Vegas and get married for real, then get a divorce whenever you got sick of the charade.

No word yet on whether Salomon will be making a play for custody of Pam's boobs.

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Paris's Christmas Card

This is the picture Paris Hilton is sending out as a Christmas card this year. Vomit-inducing doesn't even begin to cover it.

I usually hate PETA as much as I hate Paris, but I would love to see the PETA-freaks mount some kind of protest outside Paris's house. Those poor, poor animals.

The Wisdom Of Rihanna

Popster Rihanna feels sorry for Britney Spears and thinks everyone needs to leave her alone. The sexy "Umbrella" singer said:

I don't think there's anything wrong with partying, partying is healthy. You can't have a boring life. You have to party some time. People put so much energy into being negative about Britney. There's so much pressure on her - it can't be easy.

Finally, someone has come along and cut through all the crap about Britney. It isn't Britney's childish, irresponsible behavior that's been ruining her life - it's all the negative energy being expended on her by people. If all of us would just send positive vibes Britney's way, then all these bad things would stop happening. The courts would stop messing with her shit. Federline would stop trying to steal her babies. The paps would stop hounding her. Then, at last, Britney would be free to smoke her cigs and flash her coochie in peace.

Thank you Rihanna for making it all make sense. Now we know why you have such a freakishly big head - you need it to contain that humongous brain of yours.

(source)

Michael Jackson Is More Messed Up Than Ever

We knew this day would come didn't we? The day Michael Jackson finally became just a skull with a putty-nose stuck on top of a skinny white man's body. This is Jacko at a Barnes & Noble by the way, buying a book about dragons. Maybe he tells his terrified kids that he had his face burned off by a dragon while he was trying to slay it? "Daddy was gonna do the moon-walk all over that nasty dragon's ass, but then suddenly the dragon breathed his fire and now daddy looks like a David Gest mummy. Hee-hee."

Winehouse May Kill Herself If Jailed

Amy Winehouse's situation gets more desperate by the day. The latest on the compulsive drug-abuser and transgressor against all the laws of good taste is that the cops think she may have been involved in husband Blake Fielder-Civil's plan to queer his battery trial, and if found guilty of conspiring with the other conspirators would face a stiff jail sentence.

Cops originally focused only on Blake and his scummy friends, but certain documents came to light during the course of the investigation that pointed to Amy as the one who would provide the money for the alleged witness pay-off. The police plan to question her about all this sometime this week, and will reportedly make her submit DNA samples (Editor's Note: Ew).

Naturally, Amy is not taking all of this well. In fact, people close to her believe that, if she is sentenced to jail, she'll never live to see the inside of a cell. A source said:

Amy has had her problems, but she is really teetering on the brink. She has hatched a suicide pact with Blake. If they are both handed lengthy jail sentences, she is determined they will end it together rather than face five years apart.

She can't live without Blake and her family are worried sick. This could finish her off. She isn't strong enough for prison life.

"Amy has had her problems" is the understatement of the year. Honestly, I don't think this woman has lived a day that wasn't fraught with turmoil in her entire life. And I completely believe that she would kill herself rather than go to jail. Unfortunately, I don't think Blake would. I think Blake is the kind of fucker who would promise to blow his head off with you, then on the count of three not pull the trigger. You'd have your brains spattered all over the wall like some grim piece of abstract art, and Blake would be there going through your pockets for loose change.

(source)

Travolta Paid To Go Away Quietly

You won't be hearing any comments from John Travolta about his sudden departure from the big-screen adaptation of Dallas that his name has been attached to since almost the beginning. That's because the producers, having decided to go in a different direction with the project, have paid Travolta a seven-figure sum in return for the actor quietly and unfussily getting lost.

The project was originally to be a straight, dramatic adaptation of the iconic '80s TV show, starring Travolta as oil man J.R. Ewing and Jennifer Lopez as his combative wife Sue Ellen. But things started disintegrating early on, and eventually the entire original cast, with the exception of Travolta, was canned. Then 20th Century Fox dreamed up the dubious plan of re-working the whole thing in the style of the recent movie Bewitched - a slapstick comedy about the making of a TV show. It was determined that Travolta would not be right for such a film - a slam at his comedic talents? - and now his part has been offered to Ben Stiller.

First of all, Travolta is a wanker, and I don't know why anyone would want him in a movie to begin with. Secondly, when someone cans you from a silly movie like this and wants to replace you with Ben Stiller, that's basically like saying, "You just aren't hip enough. We want someone younger who the 18-35 male dipshit demo will relate to." Which begs another question...who the hell within that particular demo is going to care a shit about a movie version of Dallas, regardless of who's in it, and what style it's done in? I'm old and used to like Dallas, and I don't even care about this. I wouldn't watch this movie if it had J.R. and Bobby naked and slipping it to each other brother-style in an "it was all a dream" shower scene.

Travolta should be thrilled that he was given a chicken-shit out from having to be in this disaster, not to mention the seven-figures he was paid to keep his yap shut about it. Now he can take that money and buy another jet to annoy his neighbors with, and perhaps some more video games and Doritos for his autistic son who should be in a special school but isn't because Scientologists don't believe in autism.

(source)

Rupert Gives Us More To Chew On

Rupert Everett is trashing his peers again. We love it when he does this. It gets us hot.

Rupert trained his withering homo wit upon Madonna and Kate Moss not long ago, saying they both needed makeovers. Now Everett has set his sights on a series of formidable fellow thespians, starting with George Clooney, about whom he said:

Clooney thinks that, provided he does films which are politically committed, he's allowed to do Ocean's 11, 12, and 13. But the Ocean's movies are a cancer to world culture. They're destroying us.

[Clooney's] not the brightest spark on the boulevard. He'll be president one day. Mark my words, if he's straight, he'll be president.

I've heard George Clooney called a lot of things, but an idiot? I don't know if that's fair Rupert.

Then again, when one looks at the evidence a little more closely, one does find more than a few points in favor of Rupert's contention. Like George's recent motorcycle accident. Driving around like an idiot on a two-wheeled vehicle with one's stripper girlfriend clinging to one's waist does not speak well of one's intellectual capacity, does it?

Rupert of course did not end with George. Next he went after a bunch of Hollywood heavyweights - a who's-who of legendary screen performers in fact. Take it away Rupert:

De Niro, Redford, Keaton, Allen, Pacino ... They're all just tragic parodies of themselves. Al Pacino looks like a mad old freak now. I say give it a rest, or go and do some serious stuff...

The other day I saw a film called Because I Said So with Diane Keaton, and I thought, "Here's one of the women we loved most in 1970s cinema, debasing and humiliating herself in this load of trash."

Why? Because we're sheep, we just follow the herd ... It's just part of the huge amount of product that's put out now that's really bad. And it's our fault. We're all responsible for how the culture is. You can't draw a distinction between the celebrity nonsense on television and the film industry.

I have to concur with Rupert's assessment. All those once-great performers have now become sad caricatures. Robert De Niro? He's doing dumb-ass comedies with Ben Stiller. Woody Allen? His movies are nothing more than excuses to fawn over Scarlett Johansson now. Robert Redford? His face is faker than Crabbie's enthusiasm during Christmas family time.

Keep dishing it out Rupert - we love you.

(source)

I'll Take Myocardial Infarctions Of The Rich And Famous For $200

Alex Trebek survived a little heart attack and will return to Jeopardy! in January. Today he released this statement:

I'm truly overwhelmed by the great show of support and compassion expressed in the past few days to me, my family and my coworkers. Even though I know Jeopardy! is a very popular program, I was still surprised at the number of people who took time from their schedules to call or send a note of encouragement. I thank you all so very much. I'm on the mend, and will be spending Christmas at home with my family. I will be back in the studio on January 14 to tape our Teen Tournament, which is always one of my favorite competitions. Meanwhile, I hope you will continue to watch and enjoy the program. The shows were taped before my heart attack, so what you are seeing is original, not rerun material. Happy Holidays to all of you. Alex.

Shove it.

(source)

Lohan Wins Hannah Montana Tickets, Lies To D.J.'s

A radio station in Vegas wants to give away Hannah Montana tickets to their listeners. They dream up a contest where, if you know a famous person, you convince them to call in, and whoever's pal is deemed most celebrific gets the prize. Nice idea for a promotion, but only if you get really, really famous people to call.

At first it ain't going well - Slash and Lee Majors are the only two "celebs" you've been able to rope in. Then, jackpot - you answer the phone, and who is on the other side of the line but Lindsay Lohan herself.

Lindsay's friends win the tickets. Then Lindsay decides to hang around and chat with the D.J.s after the contest. They naturally ask her about her recent troubles. Lindsay says:

I think that my life is different now and it's changed and I'm growing up and it was time to grow up. I've gone through a lot and I'm just a different person now.

Damn, it's hard to get Hannah Montana tickets. I don't think even Billy Ray Cyrus can get a seat and it's his own daughter. Wouldn't surprise me to see a rash of shootings over this. You know how crazy people get.

Oh, about Lindsay's interview - who gives a fuck? She's full of shit.

(source)

Avril Lavigne Shows Off Her Vast Expressive Range

Avril Lavigne promotes something or other.

A skull scarf?

Katie And Tom Eat Lunch

What is Katie Holmes doing in this picture?

A. Waiting for Tom to give her the order to chew.
B. Blinking "Please help me" to the photographer in morse code.
C. Trying to remember where the hell she left her soul (maybe under the couch?).
D. Attempting to kill herself by biting her own tongue in half so she will choke to death on the blood.
E. Holding in a tremendous fart.
F. Wondering how in the fuck she ever got herself into this fucked-up predicament in the first fucking place.

Federline's Lawyer Scolds Britney

Britney Spears skipped a court appearance Wednesday, claiming she wasn't feeling well - then was seen out partying the same night until 2 AM. This blatant flouting of court authority has prompted Kevin Federline's lawyer to make veiled threats against the pop-idiot who remains locked in an ever-more-hopeless custody battle with her ex-leech. Federline's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan told Usmagazine.com:

This can be done with her participation or without it. But it doesn't help anyone not to obey court orders. We will go forward, and she can respond in anyway that addresses her failure to appear.

String her up. Waterboard the bitch. Make her listen to Federline's album for ten hours on end. Take away her frappuccinos and fish sandwiches.

Britney apparently cited anxiety over the persistent paparazzi presence in her life as a reason for feeling ill Wednesday. To this Kaplan said:

If the paparazzi are something that are causing anxiety, that is something I would assume that she deals with most of her life. So I am not sure why the paparazzi anxiety level happened to coincide with the fact that the court ordered her to appear to be cross examined.

What's a court-order to Britney? Don't mean nothin'. It's just a little ol' judge in a little ol' robe with his little ol' hammer. Shucks y'all, I'm a major star. I can show up if'n I want to and if'n I don't want to I don't have to show up. And if'n they wanna make me show up then they can just come on out'n git me but I'm a-warnin' 'em I got my 12-gauge all loaded with buckshot and I ain't 'fraid to use it by golly.

(source)

Timberlake Goes Jackass

Woah, dude. Why is Justin Timberlake being dragged down the street on a car door? Did Britney finally decide to take revenge for the wreck he made of her life when he dumped her? Actually, no - he's just filming a Super Bowl ad. No word on whether the ad also features him ripping off any of Janet Jackson's clothes. Hopefully not.

Weather Reports. They're There To Protect Us, Jen.

Jennifer Garner decided to take Violet for a walk. A snowstorm blew up. Well, at least she had the umbrella with her. If she'd had on roller blades she could've used it as a sail and rolled home on wind-power.

The Year In Pictures: Jessica Kicks Off Mom-Pants Craze

From April...The mom-pants craze. It lasted about as long as a Lindsay Lohan relationship. This, sadly, was one of Jessica Simpson's better looks this year.

(original post)

The Year In Pictures: Paris Makes Animals Uncomfortable

From April...This picture about sums up Paris Hilton's relationship with the animal kingdom. She thinks carrying the little dogs around is adorable; the little dogs all want to kill themselves.

(original post)

The Year In Pictures: Why, Courtney?

From March...Courtney Love shows off her bikini bod. She looks like she should be on a slab. The parrot got a whiff of her and started screaming, "Polly want a plane ticket the fuck away from this toxic waste heap. Braaaaaack!"

(original post)

David Gest Is Truly Gay

David Gest married Liza Minnelli for a reason kids - cause he's gay, and it's the dream of many gay men to be married to Liza Minnelli. Now of course David is no longer married to Liza, so he has to settle for merely dressing up like her. That's David - I hesitate to say "in drag," since Liza's practically male anyway - wedged between the naughty drunk nerd girl (David's hand poised mock-hetero-like upon her boob we notice) and the newest member of the Village People, the Country Gent. And I don't know what's up with the Christmas rave-nut there on the right. He can't be a happy man.

Dump The Slag

It started out as a three-way, then John and Zac told Vanessa to beat it.

Now We Know Who Got The Looks In That Family

Hayden Panettiere picks up her little brother Jansen from school. Okay, okay, no comments - Jansen's only 13. In five years though...

Mmm, another Panettiere Countdown to Legality.

Now We Know Where He Gets It From

Schlock-rocker Marilyn Manson, the only man I know of who would be tasteless and sick enough to make a chandelier out of the bones of a dead Chinese girl, now has designs on auctioning off his own mummified foreskin.

And why, you might ask, would Marilyn even have his own mummified foreskin around to offer for bidding? Because his mother kept it, of course.

Marilyn said:

It's in...a contact lens case, kind of like a shriveled up Lifesaver . If [mom] ever came here, she would wave it around. We're hoping Sotheby's one day.

That's his vaunted creep wit, I guess. Honestly, could this man be anymore repulsive? Short of washing his face, putting on a suit and becoming a Republican I mean?

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Hasselhoff Still On The Sauce

Television icon David Hasselhoff is losing his battle with the bottle, reports the National Enquirer.

The tab says the Hoff, whose alcoholism became a matter of public amusement after a video was released of him attempting to consume a cheeseburger while shit-faced, has checked himself into Cedars-Sinai for alcohol poisoning not once but twice this month. A source related Hoff's condition after one particularly heavy bender:

David was a total mess. He'd urinated on himself. He was drooling and slurring so badly you couldn't understand a word. He goes into the hospital with alcohol poisoning, comes out and says he's cured, then does it again. [Daughters] Taylor and Hayley fear their nightmare will end with a call from cops saying: "We've found your father dead."

This is sad, really. I mean, guy can't pull himself together worth a damn, and those poor kids have to watch it happening. The Hoff really needs to be locked up in some rehab for his own good it sounds like. And honestly, if he doesn't know this by now - if he hasn't looked into his precious little daughters' faces yet and figured out what a selfish bastard he's being - then he's really nothing more than a big steaming pile of shit. That's what I think, anyway.

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Let The Denying Begin

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are vehemently denying claims by a slutty French model (redundancy) that she's been getting it on with Tony behind Eva's back for months. Cue the obligatory Parker statement:

I love my wife. She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier.

Of course you've never been happier Tony - you're married to a broad who has her own money, and you're nailing a hot French model on the side.

Eva added her own statement:

Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband.

The question, Eva, is have you been the perfect wife? Sounds to me like the answer is "no."

The Crabster isn't in the habit of handing out advice, but I'm going to give some to Eva right now. Eva dear - let the man give you a cum-facial if he wants. So it's bad for your skin. You think all that gook you cake on your mush already is making for a happy epidermis?

(source)

Tony Parker Is A Low-Down Dog

X17 has exclusively broken a report that Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker has been cheating on him with a model he allegedly met at their wedding. A video posted on X17 shows the slag, Alexandra Paressant, confessing to meeting Parker in Paris for a rendezvous, then traveling to San Antonio to see him again. Paressant says she met Parker through French soccer player Thierry Henry, and went on to trade naughty text messages and phone calls with Parker, finally hooking up with him in September.

Paressant recalls the Paris meeting:

We had room service. He said that Eva sexually speaking does not want to do certain things. She do not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne.

Hmm...so Parker wanted to squirt in Longoria's face but she wouldn't let him because it would give her acne? Well, that's one way to get out of it.

Paressant recounts what Tony said of his marriage to Eva:

Everybody has to get married at a point, but [for him] it is still time to enjoy life.

Clearly.

As to whether Longoria was aware of her husband's affair, Paressant said:

I don't think she knew about it. She seems quite jealous.

Well, she knows about it now Alexandra. And good job dropping that personal info about her - now she'll know for sure you're not lying. If she's really as jealous as you say, I expect she's already been on the phone to a divorce lawyer.

What you get for marrying a Frenchman, Eva dear.

(source)

Madonna To Be Veiny No More?

We may have seen the last of veiny, Iggy Pop-looking Madonna - and we have Guy Ritchie to thank for it.

Yes, it appears Ritchie is not merely Madonna's personal lap-dog after all. According to reports, Ritchie finally got sick of having sex with a skin-covered skeleton, and told his creepy wife to put some weight on. Madonna then consulted her personal fitness guru, Sting's wife, and was told to add a porridge breakfast to her strict macrobiotic diet. A source reports:

[Madonna] used to start the day with a miso soup and a fruit smoothie but found porridge improved her skin and keeps her full for longer. She eats it after her daily exercise regime. But she has also been cutting back on the gym and weights, in favour of Pilates, which is why her arms look less sinewy.

What kind of fucking breakfast is miso soup (whatever the fuck that is) and a fruit smoothie? Hasn't this bitch ever heard of Rice Krispies? And what the hell does she think she's going to get out of macrobiotic whateverthefuck and Pilates and all that shit anyway? Does she honestly expect us to believe living like that makes her feel better? Bullshit. Scarfing gallons of ice cream - that's what makes you feel better. Chomping down cookies until your apartment floor looks like there was an explosion at a Chips Ahoy factory - that's what gives you a sense of well-being. Healthy living is for suckers, and self-deluded people who think they're going to forestall their arrival at the Pearly Gates.

Sorry Maddona, but even curd-eating yoga-freaks die. Those people just die miserable because their last meal was soy-based, instead of the nice, big, juicy steak they really wished for.

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Jodie Foster Comes Out

Hollywood is reportedly all abuzz over Jodie Foster's first public acknowledgement of her lesbianism.

Foster, who's been eating partner Cydney Bernard's tuna since at least 1993, finally admitted to said tuna-eating in a dignified, round-about sort of way during a speech at a Women in Entertainment breakfast at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Foster referred to Bernard as her "beautiful Cydney," and thanked Bernard for sticking with her "through all the rotten and the bliss." Foster then said:

I feel fragile, unsure, struggling to figure it all out, trying to get there even though I'm not sure where there is. I've been working in this business for 42 years and there's no way you can do that and not be as nutty as a fruitcake.

Sorry, but I'm a little lost myself. Didn't we already know Foster was a lesbian? So why does it matter that she admitted it? The real story here, it seems to me, is what Foster said about being "nutty as a fruitcake." I mean, anyone can cop to being a lesbo - but how many people come out and admit to being completely insane?

Okay, so I'm evading the issue. Actually, I'm not, cause there's no issue to evade. So Jodie Foster's a lesbian - so fricking what? Wake me when something interesting happens. And no, I'm not going to play that little game of patting Jodie on the back for her heroism and courage. People only create heroes like that so they themselves can bask in the reflected glory. I'm guessing that Jodie, a smart, smart woman, is above all that shit. She doesn't see herself as courageous and heroic for coming out - she's probably annoyed by the whole thing, cause now people will just ask her more questions about it. Soon she will probably regret saying anything at all.

I personally think Jodie made a better statement by staying silent, cause that was essentially saying "fuck you" to anyone who might bother her about it, including the people who wanted her to come out cause they wished to add her clout to the lesbo sisterhood which only exists in people's minds.

I'm sorry, but gay solidarity is a myth whipped up by phonies who want to gain some political advantage. There's no real "gay community," just as there's no real "black community" or "Latino community" or "midget graffiti artist community." Any homo who thinks of themselves as belonging to some kind of club just cause they're a homo is a sad, sad fool. It's every man, woman and tranny for his/her/itself out there - that's the way it's always been, and that's the way it always will be.

(source)

Alba Pregnant

Jessica Alba has become pregnant by boyfriend Cash Warren, report reps for the greasy-haired, borderline-retarded Fantastic 4 star. The baby is due in late spring/early summer, meaning we may now look forward to a good six months of pictures of Alba's belly getting bigger, Alba's face becoming more scowly, and Cash Warren waddling along beside her like some kind of miserable, sexually-frustrated valet.

By the way, for those who were wondering...I looked it up and, no, herpes is not in fact hereditary. So the baby will be okay, at least until it grows up and has sex with Derek Jeter.

(source)

Cruise Butts In Again

Tom Cruise is apparently stalking Will Smith. Or perhaps it's a coincidence that the midget religious freak keeps showing up at every big event Smith attends?

Tom was there again last night, as Smith and his half-Leprechaun wife Jada Pinkett celebrated the premiere of Smith's new atrocious-looking movie I Am Legend. Tom's own wife Katie Holmes did not show up at the event, which will doubtless spark a new round of "Katie has been artificially inseminated using Tom's specially formulated alien sperm" rumors.

I'm sorry, but there's no way Will Smith can be happy about Tom deciding to glom onto him like this. I don't want to hear about how they're good buddies either - Will is a smart guy, and knows perfectly well that Tom is radioactive right now from a box-office standpoint. Tom ruins the publicity campaigns for his own movies by acting nuts, so no one with any sense wants him around when they're trying to promote theirs. But, Will probably just can't get rid of him. So when he sees Tom coming he just grits his teeth, mutters, "Here comes the dwarf Jesus again," and rolls with it as best he can.

As to Tom's reasons for attaching himself to Smith...obviously, Tom thinks Will is considered cool, and believes that by being seen with him some of that coolness will rub off, and help him re-establish his own reputation as someone who is not a dork (he was considered fairly hip for five minutes back in the mid-'80s as I recall). Problem is, I don't think Smith is all that cool anymore. He was back in the Men in Black days, but now he's sort of like a younger, less-funny Bill Cosby. If Tom really wanted to be seen as cool he'd latch onto Michael Cera or Seth Rogen or someone like that. But Tom probably hasn't even heard of those people. I honestly don't think Tom had heard of Katie either, until her audition tape came in. Then he was all like, "Who's this charming Holmes lass? Is she popular among the younger set? If I create the impression that I'm having sex with her, will people then consider me 'with it' as I believe the expression goes?"

Calculating little bastard.

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More Turmoil For Winehouse

Amy Winehouse shed more public tears yesterday after missing visiting hours at Pentonville Prison and being told she couldn't see her husband Blake Fielder-Civil, who remains incarcerated there. A friend said:

Amy was devastated that she wasn't let into jail. It's hard enough with him being inside and yet it was made worse when she wasn't given access.

Apparently Pentonville hasn't gotten the memo that Amy is supposed to be allowed to see Blake whenever she wants because she's famous and she loves her junkie husband and those things are more important than any silly laws Blake may have broken. And, they are also never, ever supposed to make Amy take her beehive off so they can search it for drugs. Everyone knows Amy doesn't hide drugs in there anyway. I mean, who would be stupid enough to do something like that? That would be like spending your whole life with bat-wings painted on your eyes, or going around everywhere in ballet slippers. You'd have to be retarded or very high to do shit like that.

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Angie Still Hates Shiloh

Angelina Jolie obviously learned nothing from the infamous "blob" interview, cause she's still going around saying inexplicable, silly things about her bio-kid Shiloh.

Angie's latest outrage against her genuine white spawn was perpetrated during a talk with Look Magazine, when the dim-witted humanitarian said:

[Shiloh] looks like Brad. It’s funny because she’s almost going to be the outcast in the family because she’s blonde and blue-eyed.

I felt so much more for Madd, Zahara and Pax because they were survivors.

Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born.

But I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.

A question for Angie: By your logic, shouldn't Zahara also be an outcast in the family, since she's the only black one? Or is the distinction not between white, Asian and African, but between white and non-white? White equaling privileged and non-vulnerable, and non-white equaling victimized and underprivileged and therefore more deserving of nurturing and love.

And what does it say about you Angie that you have to remind yourself to take care of Shiloh's needs? And how exactly does that work anyway? You wake up in the morning, walk out into the kitchen, go to get your orange juice from the fridge and...oh dear, what does this post-it say? "You have a daughter named Shiloh. She is locked in a pet-carrier in the gardener's shed. Don't forget to feed her sometime this week." Oh yeah, you'll teach that little blob all about being vulnerable, won't you Angie?

Shiloh, I daresay, is destined to hate Angelina as much as Angie hates her own father Jon Voight, whom she clearly blames for whatever bad stuff she thinks happened to her when she was a kid. That's the way these things always work, isn't it? Patterns of neglect. Voight made Angie feel worthless by not loving her enough, so now she's doing the same thing - and she's got the rationalizations down too. She says it's about Shiloh being too privileged and not vulnerable enough, but it's really all about her projecting a bunch of bullshit onto the kid. Her belief that only victims are truly worthy of love, which is like her brother James Haven's nonsense about feeling bad for widows. The irony of course is that Shiloh is a victim now too - Angie has made her one. Later in life Shiloh will suffer the same feelings of neglect and worthlessness, cause she has a mother who has better things to do than pay attention to her, just as Voight had better things to do than pay attention to poor miserable Angie and James.

And what if everything I just said is only bullshit, and Angie really is a loving mother? There's still no reason for her to keep saying the stuff she says. It makes people mad - a fact that Angie is apparently oblivious to. I suppose in her little world she never makes a mistake anyway though. She cares about the poor and the starving, so anything else she says or does is excusable. That's how people like Angie always think. They believe that, the more they display their beneficence, the more the world should allow them to get away with other stuff. And what the hell - even if Angie does fuck up, she never has to hear any questions about it, cause she'll just tell her people to screen out any press folks who might bring up anything negative. People like Angie think they should have laurels heaped upon them, but never have to answer for their mess-ups. It's a little like being a member of the Bush Administration, except I think George Bush and his cronies actually love their kids.

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Non-Scientologist Smith And The Shrimpy Jesus

Tom Cruise showed up to help buddy Will Smith make his impressions in the cement at Grauman's Chinese Theater. These guys are great. They should totally do a re-make of "Ebony and Ivory." Actually, no, that's a terrible idea. Smith is about as black as I am, and Cruise...I don't know what Cruise is. Kind of cherry blossom pink going by that pic. Maybe they could write a new tune - "Jug-ears and Hitler-Boy" or something like that. Hire Bacharach to whip up some lyrics.

How tight is Cruise gripping Smith's hand in that pic by the way? Is that man-love or is Tom trying to give Smith Scientology by osmosis? "Feel the thetans Will. Then feel my package."

Obligatory Britney Pic Post

"I don't even know what I'm doin' anymore y'all. I'm just ridin' around in my car for no good reason. Wee, look at me! I'm drivin' my automobile while trying to operate electronic devices. I'm a multi-taskin' fool. Oh man, I like totally ran over that guy's foot. That's okay - there's a reason God give us two feet. It was cause he knew I was comin' y'all."

Drug Dealer Socks Doherty

Pete Doherty's allegedly clean nose has become a target for the fists of drug dealers, one of whom reportedly took a swing at the once-and-future junkie over the weekend.

The unfortunate incident, which has been confirmed by police, happened at a pub where Pete was having a drink in the company of his cat (the same one he gives crack to?). This dude reportedly walked up to Pete, said, "You should get your gear from me," and let the befuddled rock star have it. A source said:

It was horrible. Pete was really shaken up and upset. He had been enjoying a quiet pint on his own, just him and his cat, and went out to make a phone call. Pete has never seen this bloke before, he just attacked him for no reason.

Well no, the bloke did not attack Pete "for no reason" - he clearly expressed his reason for attacking Pete when he said "you should get your gear from me." And he didn't mean spelunking gear either. He wasn't suggesting Pete should take a few caribiners and lengths of nylon cord off his hands. We all know Pete doesn't spelunk anymore, not since he stopped going out with Kate Moss. Now he dates women with normal-sized vaginas.

I sort of feel sorry for Pete now. Obviously, the dude has become a target for every random wacko. He can't even go to the pub and abuse his cat with alcohol anymore without some sicko deciding to take a swing at him. He's like the gunfighters in the old Westerns who always have to watch their backs cause some turd with a six-shooter might try to make a name for himself by cutting them down. There's some nut out there right now bragging to his junkie friends that he punched Pete Doherty in the face, and they're like, "Wow. That must've been tough. Him not having any reflexes left and all..."

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Regis Is The New Seacrest. Wait, I Thought Seacrest Was The New Regis. It's A Mobius Band Of Lameness!

Regis Philbin, who desperately needs a chemical peel I think, has been chosen to host this year's Oscar's red-carpet coverage for ABC. Show producer Dennis Doty said:

He knows everyone, and everyone loves Regis.

Regis knew fricking Cleopatra. I don't know if she loved him or not though. Especially after he told her she had a big asp.

The Oscars are scheduled to air February 24th.

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Gosling-Panettiere Rumors Heat Up

So you thought the pic of Ryan Gosling and Hayden Panettiere being friendly at the GQ awards was just a little red-carpet posing, huh? Well, not so fast, buttbrains. According to Rush & Molloy, there was more going on than just a little side-by-side action for the cameras. Witnesses say Gosling and Panettiere were hugging "a lot" at the GQ event, and ended up exchanging phone numbers at the end of the evening.

Those in denial about Gosling's obvious feelings for young Ms. Hayden will no doubt commence trying to explain away that report now. Oh, Ryan is obviously just really concerned about the dolphins, and he wanted Hayden's phone number so he could call her and talk about what he can do to help her in her noble efforts to stop the slaughter. Yeah, that's it. He's not screwing her. No way. Not him. He still loves Rachel. I just know they're going to get back together. They're so perfect for each other, and true love can never ever die, and I'm gonna sit here locked in my living room watching The Notebook over and over until they get back together cause I just think they're so cool and if they lived next door to me we would totally be best friends and we'd invite each other over for barbecues and play Apples to Apples and it would be so awesome...

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Naomi Campbell Mugged At Concert

Model Naomi Campbell went out to the Led Zeppelin concert in London last night, and wound up having her handbag stolen. Here's the news in this story: there are enough members of Led Zeppelin still alive for them to have a reunion. Jeez, Crabbie remembers hating that shit 25 years ago and now it's back? What gives?

Back to Naomi...according to Roger Friedman, who was himself at the show, the purse-less model got into some kind of shouting match with security after the handbag snatching. Right Naomi - like it's the job of security at a rock show to hover over you, making sure no one grabs your stupid bag. Don't those guys have enough to do, what with all the 60-year-old Zeppelin fans having strokes and needing to be dragged out?

Naomi told Friedman, as she was being whisked away by her people, that she had two phones in the handbag. And I thought you weren't allowed to bring weapons into concerts.

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Rumer Keeps At It

Here's Rumer Willis at some premiere or other. So the tits are supposed to distract us from the face? Is that it?

I actually sort of admire Rumer at this point. I mean, a lot of people would've given up by now, and just learned to accept their unattractiveness. But Rumer's not quite ready to throw in the towel yet. She's the resilient sort. She's not going to let all the jerks in the world jeer and insult her into becoming some kind of recluse. She's gonna throw on one of her hideous outfits and a dumb-ass hat if she wants to, and go out to some stupid event, and have her picture taken and act like she's a big celeb. You go, Rumer.

Merry Krimmis From Becks

Why does Victoria Beckham get to climb on top of that and I don't? And people wonder why I don't believe in God.

The Year In Pictures: Prince Harry Finds Walking Difficult

From March...Prince Harry, aka the One Who Won't Be King Unless He Has The Other One Killed, attempts to make his way from the back of a club to a car. Emphasis on "attempts." This display of poor coordination came on the heels of Harry allegedly trying to attack a photographer. He should've tried whipping beans at the guy like Hugh Grant.

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The Year In Pictures: Naomi Glams Up Community Service

From March...Naomi Campbell had to do community service after hitting her maid in the face. She's a model, so of course she glammed herself out for it. The bottom pic shows her leaving after completing the sentence. That's a rich person's way of saying fuck you to the system.

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Rupert Everett Makes Me Glad To Be Alive

Madonna and Kate Moss are fashion icons? Rupert Everett doesn't think so. The star of the new movie St. Trinian's said:

I should really be headmistress of a star academy. All these so-called style divas have such terrible dress sense. I could give them a proper going over, and then put them back on the road. "Ooh, look, Kate Moss's hands have become almost as grabby as Madonna's."

Actually, they're all at it, clutching their handbags with knobbly claws, like it's stuffed full of cash. That will have to be one of the first week's lessons at school. How to hold your handbag without looking grasping.

And the second week's lesson would be to wear long sleeves, especially if you're Madonna, and your arms look like maps of the Amazon and all its tributaries.

I love Rupert. In St. Trinian's he plays the headmistress of an all-girls' school - which should be amusing because it's Rupert; although I have to admit, I sort of got soured on homos doing drag performances after watching Travolta in Hairspray.

Dirty Hippies Out A-Walkin'

This picture makes me want to throw a big bucket of pig feces. Go back to Woodstock you filthy hippies!

Ryder: "I want a pretty dress like that."

Kate: "But you're a boy honey."

Ryder: "I am?"

First Celeb Krimmis Tree Pic

Calling Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell celebs might be stretching it, but whatever. At least the dogs are cute - though it's annoying that people think they need to drag their mutts along when they're getting a Christmas tree. I guess they wanted the dogs to get a head start on soaking it with piss.

Lagerfeld: Winehouse Is The New Bardot

Fashion designer/closet vampire Karl Lagerfeld has declared junkie singer Amy Winehouse his new muse, and compared her to famed French sex kitten Brigitte Bardot. Lagerfeld said:

[Amy] is a beautiful, gifted artist. And I very much like her hairdo. I took it as an inspiration. Because, in fact, it was also Brigitte Bardot’s hairdo in the late Fifties and Sixties. And now Amy has made it her own style. So, when I saw her, I knew it was the right moment. Amy . . . she is the new Brigitte.

If Amy can be the new Brigitte, can I then be the new Marcello Mastroianni? I've always wanted to drive around the Italian countryside in a Maserati while exuding a worldly, Antonioni-esque sense of ennui. I won't be romancing any Monica Vittis though - only Alain Delons for me, and maybe an Yves Montand or two as long as they're all scruffy and oily and bescarved like in Wages of Fear.

Lagerfeld, by the way, has already debuted his new Winehouse-inspired looks. Here are some shots from last week's London Chanel show:




Come on Lagerfeld - neat-looking semi-beehives, a little dark make-up and no ballet slippers? That's not Amy Winehouse. That's some designer trying to get publicity by copying a famous person's well-known look without sinking to such a level of tackiness that he loses his own credibility in the eyes of his peers. If you had any real guts, Lagerfeld, you'd have eschewed the pretty models, grabbed some toothless junkies off the street, glued beehives to their heads and paraded their scrawny, bug-ridden asses out there. Now that would've been a fucking show.

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The Year In Pictures: Sharon Stone Is Still Hot

From March...Sharon Stone is that one crazy neighbor you always make sure isn't in the hallway before you go out. Then, as you're trying to tip-toe away, her door opens and she bursts out, and one of her cats comes flying down the corridor and she runs screaming after it, trailing cigarette butts and the reek of perfume bought off QVC at three a.m..

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The Year In Pictures: Farewell, Anna Nicole

From March...The people who shamelessly exploited loved Anna Nicole Smith attend her tacky funeral. Anna Nicole died as she lived - on her back and full of drugs.

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The Year In Pictures: Moss And Doherty Put The "Dead" In "Deadbeats"

From March...Kate Moss and Pete Doherty hit the NME Awards, looking like walking corpses. Little did we know it at the time, but Kate and Pete were on the verge of breaking up. And I thought love never died.

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Paris And Stavros Tear Up Miami

Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos have decided to be buddies again. They went down to Miami together this weekend, and spent their time making-out in clubs and apparently getting into scrapes with other clubgoers, though Paris's reps deny the fight stories.

Paris and Stavros have now broken up and gotten back together so many times that they could qualify as honorary soap opera characters.

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Lohan Befouls Hotel Room

Lindsay Lohan is no longer welcome at Santa Monica's Shutter on the Beach hotel after she and now ex-boyfriend Riley Giles befouled one of its rooms.

According to some joint called Hotel Chatter, Lindz and Rilez spent three days holed up inside a room at Shutter, during which time they emptied the mini-bar, strewed cigarette butts all over the place, spread what is being (probably charitably) described as filth everywhere and...here's the kicker...left a bloody syringe on a room service tray that had to be cleaned up by hazardous waste removal professionals.

Now, let's see...Lindsay met Riley in rehab, which means their little hotel escapade must've happened after they both got out. So I guess this means that, for at least one of them, the rehab didn't take. Unless the bloody syringe was just from them doing experiments. You know, trying to advance medical knowledge. Maybe they were holed up in there attempting to find a cure for the plague that is about to sweep across the world, killing most of humanity. Or, maybe they are just a couple of sick junkie freaks.

I don't know about you, but the thought of having to clean up after Lindsay Lohan just makes me want to blow chunks all over my keyboard. I mean, if that guy from Dirty Jobs did a show on the people who disinfected that hotel room...that would have to be a two-part special. With a big viewer discretion warning on it. Something like, "If you want to go on living without knowing the depths of disgustingness to which human beings are capable of sinking, then don't watch this show."

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Fakest Smile Ever

Katie Holmes was minding her own business, see? She was just walking along with little Suri, la-dee-da-dee-da, not a care in the world...and then...the photographers! Oh my God! Gotta plaster a smile to my face! Gotta make like the hap-hap-happiest little mommy on the face of the earth! Everything is fine! Everything is wonderful! How could anyone be unhappy who was married to Tom Cruise?

See my teeth? Don't they gleam? Tom bought them for me...for my birthday! And you know what else he bought me? A space-age super-powered vibrator! Cause if I've got me one of those puppies, I'm never, ever gonna have to cheat! Why the hell would I wanna cheat? That fucker's got like fifty different attachments! I haven't even tried them all yet. I don't even know what half of 'em do! Hahahahaha!!!!

By the way, Suri? The next Mary Tyler Moore. Bank on it.

Writers' Strike May Never End

The WGA and AMPTP started talking again after Thanksgiving, allowing us all to hope the writers' strike would come to an end sometime soon. But, yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. The grim play-by-play: The producers submitted an apparently bullshit proposal that the writers then went off to discuss. When the writers didn't come back to the table all eager to accept, the producers got pissy and told the writers the proposal was a take-it-or-leave it deal. The writers told the producers they could go fuck themselves. Both sides issued statements to the effect that the other side is full of assholes. The producers tried playing the victim card by whipping out this whopper:

Under no circumstances will we knowingly participate in the destruction of this business.

Uh, movie and TV producers? Unless I'm wrong about how it all works, you're the people who allow folks like Jim Carrey to make movies like The Number 23. So, sorry, but you've been knowingly participating in the destruction of the business. Seriously - give the damn writers their cut of the streaming video revenue and whatever else it is they want. If for no other reason than to spare us the sight of John Edwards down there again making like the big union man, waving a sign around while not a single hair on his freakishly giant head is moved by the breeze.

And please, could you make this all happen quick? I need to know if Niki got blown up in the warehouse explosion, and if Nathan is really dead, and if Mohinder is finally going to admit his feelings for Peter and have hot, steamy man-sex with him.

Heroes - the soap opera for dorks.

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The Year In Pictures: Paris Nailed, Not In The Usual Way

From February...Paris Hilton is pulled over for driving at night without headlights on. The police discover that she is driving with a suspended license, which qualifies as something of a no-no. Paris would end up spending a couple of weeks in Lynwood, despite sheriff Lee Baca's attempts at downgrading her sentence to house arrest. Her life since then has been, well, pretty much the same as it was before.

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Angie And Madonna Are Phone Buddies

Angelina Jolie and Madonna have become buddies. The relationship began, reports the National Enquirer, after Madonna called Angie to lend her support over the troubles being caused by Zahara's alleged birth-mother. The call reportedly touched-off a protracted telephonic blubbering session, after which the two insufferable hags promised to get in touch with each other at least once a week.

Madonna, of course, had her own problems when the father of David Banda started making a bunch of noise about wanting his son back. Neither Madonna nor Angie has been forced by any court or other body to give back their respective African adoptees, however, which tells us one thing: rich white people have much more control over the system than poor black people.

The new friendliness between Madonna and Angie is a dramatic turnaround from the animosity that previously existed between the two publicity-grubbing tramps. Apparently, Angie has forgotten all about the shit Madonna talked about her to Time magazine last year, when some reporter asked Madonna if she was only jumping on the bandwagon by adopting a kid. Madonna replied then:

Look, I could have joined the U.N. and become an ambassador and visited various countries and just kind of showed up and smiled and looked concerned. But that’s not getting to the root of the problem.

And Madonna has apparently forgotten the time Angie tweaked her by saying she herself would never, "take a child away from a place where adoption is illegal."

So now Angie and Madonna are friends. I don't know about you, but I've dreaded this day for months. I knew it was inevitable that these two would put their differences aside and join forces. If comic books have taught me anything, it's that evil always finds evil. There's some kind of magnetic attraction. Now, they'll be able to unleash some kind of truly horrific plan for world domination, that will likely involve buying up huge tracts of land in the middle of Africa and building schools used for indoctrinating people into Kabbalah. And having lots of pictures taken. The two of them wrapping their freakish, veiny arms around starving people who somehow look less emaciated and sickly and joyless than they do.

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Rachael Ray - Big Dumb Mouth, Stringy Hair, Gay-Looking Husband

Rachael Ray and her dumb-ass cheating husband John Cusimano at some kind of charity event. The producers of the new Batman movie should've cast Rachael as The Joker instead of Heath Ledger, I think.

James Blunt, Man-Slut

From The Please God Don't Let It Be True Department...There's a ski resort out in the middle of Switzerland somewhere full of chalet girls who claim to have had their virginity taken by singer James Blunt. By one account, the actual number of young females who've been deflowered at this particular resort by Blunt reaches into the hundreds. And the girls aren't shy about declaring the identity of he who made them into women - they actually walk around wearing t-shirts saying, "James Blunt Took My Virginity."

A frequent guest at the resort said of Blunt's activities:

He does very well for himself when he comes here. Last season, I saw loads of the chalet girls working out there wearing T-shirts emblazoned with 'James Blunt took my virginity.' I can't believe he's had all of them, but going on his previous form, I suppose you can never rule anything out.

Okay, let's get one thing straight - there's no fucking way all those women were virgins before Blunt stuck his thing in them. In fact, I'm guessing most of them weren't, meaning the t-shirt thing is really nothing but a not-very-funny joke.

Secondly...any woman who allows James Blunt to touch her anywhere in a sexual way is so lacking in taste that, frankly, it's no surprise they would also go around boasting of having been conquered by him. Obviously, James goes for the easiest targets he can find, people like Lindsay Lohan and Petra Nemcova. These Swiss chalet girls he's banging...it only takes a couple sips of wine to get them to spread for you. I know cause someone told me.

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The Year In Pictures: Britney Melts Down

From February...Has it really been 10 months since Britney had her series of infamous, on-camera meltdowns? Actually, no - because the meltdowns haven't really ended. Pretty much every time someone takes a picture of Britney, they are capturing her in the midst of a flame-out. Cause her whole life is a flame-out. It's not as crazy now as it was in those first days though. When she attacked the pap with the umbrella then went nuts on the SUV - I honestly thought she would be dead within a month. She was really, really not right in the head then. But she's obviously found some better drugs, cause lately she seems at least semi-functional.

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The Year In Pictures: Heather Is Kicking Mad

From February...Heather Mills films herself kicking a pap in the ass. There's really nothing else one can say about this.

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Larry Birkhead Has Tiny, Gay Feet

Larry Birkhead shows off a baby-sized Converse that he just bought. Contrary to what I indicated in the headline, the shoes were not for Larry, they were for Dannielynn. Isn't that adorable? Actually, no - there is nothing adorable about someone using their child for publicity, even in a round-about way. Larry should be ashamed of himself. I mean, doesn't Dannielynn have enough going against her as it is, what with half her genes coming from Anna Nicole?

Owen And Woody Are Pals

Owen Wilson is hanging out with Woody Harrelson. In Peru.

The fast way of killing himself didn't work, so Owen's going with the slow way.

Seriously, where the hell is Owen's support group? Why not just hand Owen a big pile of drugs and a gun and a picture of Kate Hudson kissing whatever dope she's been kissing lately? Or give him a gift certificate from a mall in Omaha? Or just push him the fuck in front of a bus?

Britney, Wig, Dog

Britney's got it all going in this pic doesn't she? The wig. The terrified little dog. The "I'm off to run over someone's foot" look in her eye. What would we do without you Brit?

Amy Winehouse Lost Her Keys. Perhaps They're In The Same Place Her Marbles Went.

Amy Winehouse went out the other night and lost her keys, so when she got home she had to crawl under her own gate. Okay, so there are certain advantages to being emaciated from excessive drug-use - I'll concede that. However, I think Amy has demonstrated her lack of imagination here. I mean, there are all those paps around. If it were me, I would've had them boost me over the gate, rather than crawl under it. Amy needs to take a lesson from Britney Spears, who treats the paps as her own personal army of assistants. Britney wants coffee, she sends in a pap. Britney runs out of gas, she has the paps bring some. Britney's windshield is a little dirty, she tells a pap to wipe it. That's thinking outside the box. Amy, she's just not on the ball.

The Year In Pictures: Smile, Ryan

From February...Ryan O'Neal has his picture taken at the police station after allegedly shooting at his son Griffin during a domestic dispute. It later came out that Griffin had chained his younger brother Redmond to a banister to keep him from doing drugs, and when Ryan came home and saw this...well, how would you feel if you discovered your progeny chained to a banister?

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Gosling And Panettiere?

This is gonna hack a few people off I imagine - Ryan Gosling and Hayden Panettiere pressed together at the GQ Men of the Year awards. Okay, I know, it's just a stupid snap from a red-carpet appearance, but still - he has his hand on her arm. And he's almost kind of smirking. And Hayden's got a little moisture going in her eyes. I'm not saying they're fucking, I'm just saying, if someone told me they were fucking, it would not surprise me even a little.

All you Hayden haters - you know who you are Dishy-Wishy - can go fly a kite. She looks pretty there.

Kiefer Sutherland Reports For Jail

Kiefer Sutherland reported to Glendale City Jail last night to begin a 48-day sentence for DUI. I don't know about you, but I have a new-found respect for Kiefer Sutherland. Think about it - Kiefer's a big star with expensive lawyers, and could therefore have gotten his sentence moved to pretty much any time of the year he wanted. But what does he do? He serves his time right away, meaning he'll be locked up for Christmas. No god damn insufferable family-time over the holidays for Kiefer - just the peace and quiet of a nice private jail cell. That Kiefer, let me tell you - that is a fellow with a brain in his head (and drugs hidden up his rectum).

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Fur Flies Between Paris And Model

Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr has accused putrid heiress Paris Hilton of stealing a dress while the two were backstage together at a recent event. Kerr wrote on her blog:

I was standing by my clothes and [Paris] goes, "I want that dress," and she pointed to my dress … and she stole it.

Paris, Kerr says, was ultimately trumped by an even more vile and vicious bitch, Naomi Campbell, who coveted the dress Paris took, and had the event planner wrest it from her (that must've been some dress). Finally, Naomi Campbell does something positive for humanity. Too bad she couldn't have had someone beat Paris up in the process - or just beaten the bitch up herself.

The sub-plot of the Paris/Kerr unpleasantness concerns Brandon Davis, who was recently dating Kerr until she dumped him. Paris supposedly hates Kerr because of the way she treated Brandon, and her dress-snatching was therefore some kind of revenge tactic. I call total absolute bullshit on this! Paris now hates Greasy, because he's a loser who's always hitting everyone up for money, and would never stick up for him. She obviously just wanted that dress. And hates Kerr because Kerr is pretty, while she herself is a beak-nosed, wonky-eyed freak of nature.

Of course Kerr herself, beyond her superficial attractiveness, is no better than Paris. I mean, she slept with Brandon Davis for God's sake. That practically disqualifies her as a human being in my book.

(source)

Papa Joe Is No Pete Wentz Fan

There's trouble in Simpson paradise kids.

Okay, there's always trouble in Simpson paradise, but now there's new trouble, and it revolves around Ashlee's boy-toy Pete Wentz. Pretty much everyone thinks Pete and Ashlee are a terrific couple - the coordinated Emo wardrobes, the matching vacant expressions - but apparently this sentiment is not shared by the one whose opinion matters most: Papa Joe.

Yes kids, shocking as it seems, Papa Joe does not like Pete Wentz. The Simpson patriarch's negative opinion of Pete reportedly arises from an interview the rocker recently did with Blender magazine in which he admitted to kissing men - that sort of thing just don't sit well with a God-fearing, straight-laced fellow like Papa Joe. So, Joe has told Ashlee that Pete isn't welcome when the family celebrates Christmas. Little Ashlee is reportedly upset about the turn of events, but will honor her father's wishes. What choice does she have, when Papa Joe can rip her credit cards and have her nose repossessed?

Papa Joe objecting to Pete Wentz's apparent bi-sexuality is sort of laughable. I mean, what is Papa Joe's point anyway? That Pete is some kind of pervert who's dangerous to his little girl? Or is he just jealous that Pete gets to touch her boobs and smell her hair now and he doesn't?

(source)