Update: Crazy Man Takes Over Hillary's New Hampshire Campaign Office

Some loon with a bomb strapped around his waist has taken over a Hillary Clinton campaign office in New Hampshire. The nut-bag has apparently taken hostages, and is demanding to speak with Hillary personally.

Looks like Chris Dodd is off his meds again. I told them that guy was a disaster waiting to happen, but they just ignored me the bastards.

(source)

Update: The crazy dude in Hillary's campaign office is angry over the mental health care system in America. I knew Tom would snap sooner or later.

Rihanna's Butt: Too Big, Or Not Too Big Enough?

Rihanna is like Kim Kardashian only pretty, talented and semi-likable.

Half A Cute Couple

Katherine Heigl is very pretty. Her fiance Josh Kelley looks like he should be playing on the monkeybars with Pete Wentz.

Run Jude, Run

"I never should've had that ninth chalupa!"

Dude is totally bald.

Lance Armstrong Finds Age-Appropriate Playmate

I guess Lance Armstrong got sick of diddling with Ashley Olsen, cause here he is with some fitness babe named Kim Strother on his lap. Good. Ashley is way too young for him. Plus he ran the risk of being murdered by an enraged, jealous Bob Saget.

Lindsay Dumps Giles

Riley Giles will have to find someone else to cheese pot-money off of, cause he's been dumped by his girlfriend Lindsay Lohan.

Lohan and Giles reportedly split right after Thanksgiving weekend, which the couple spent with Lindsay's family on Long Island. Another report said Giles had ditched Lohan and her family during said weekend, preferring to spend his time in New York drinking while Lindsay remained back at home, embroidering pillows or whatever the fuck.

Lindsay and Riley originally met in rehab, and continued their relationship after leaving. Alas, their love was not to be. Oh Riley, where shall you find such a comfy couch to crash on? And a woman so willing to satisfy your insatiable desire for oral gratification?

Lindsay's mom? Oh Riley, you scamp...

(source)

Jake And Reese Got It On In A Plane

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon really are having sex, at least going by the account of a passenger on a recent Lufthansa flight who claims to have seen the famed celeb couple disappear together into a bathroom for a suspicious length of time.

The unnamed passenger told Star Magazine of seeing Reese board the plane with her six-person posse, and proceed to cuddle with an already-seated Jake beneath a blanket in their seats at the far back of the first-class section. The source says Reese finally got up to go to the lavatory, and was followed in by Jake a few minutes later. The two were reportedly in the loo together a total of eleven minutes. The source reports that, when the lovebirds finally emerged, the members of their entourage took pains to avoid making eye-contact with them. Jake reportedly tapped away on his laptop for a bit after that, then joined Reese for a little side-by-side nappy-poo.

See? Told you he wasn't gay.

(source)

Just What Little Timmy Always Wanted

What kid wouldn't love to tear the wrapping off their big old Christmas gift and discover...a roadkill plush toy?

Yes, a British company is coming out with a line of roadkill stuffed animals. The first is called Twitch the Raccoon. Poor Twitch comes with his own body bag, and a tag that says he was run over with a milk truck. For added fun, little budding serial killer Timmy can unzip Twitch and play critter coroner by removing his internal organs. The company, by the way, is called Compost Communications. I have no idea what the fuck they're thinking, but they are British, so they're probably trying to be dry and witty.

I personally would slap my mom silly if she bought me one of these (actually, I'd run in horror if my mom did anything since she's dead), but who knows - maybe today's twisted, over-medicated little monsters are into this kind of thing. If you wanna buy your brat one it will set you back $50, not including the cost of later therapy.

(source)

Cruise/Spielberg Unpleasantness

Everyone knew that Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg had something of a falling out, precipitated, we believed, by Spielberg's belief that Tom's couch-jumping, Scientology-flacking wackiness during the publicity campaign for War of the Worlds cost that film at the box-office. It turns out that there was more to it though. In the middle of a long article detailing the drama attending the merger of Dreamworks and Paramount, Vanity Fair writer Bryan Burrough refers to some bad shit that went down between Spielberg and Cruise, involving some of Cruise's more out-there personal beliefs. Burrough relates:

Spielberg felt [Cruise's] antics had hurt his own movie, 2005's War of the Worlds. Far worse, though, had been an episode when Spielberg told Cruise the name of a doctor who had prescribed medication to a relative and the doctor's office was subsequently picketed by Scientologists.

Presumably, the doctor referred to in the piece was a psychiatrist (this hasn't been substantiated apparently), and the picket was part of Scientology's efforts to highlight the evils of modern psychiatric drugs. It wasn't long after this incident that Cruise saw his development deal with Paramount expire, forcing him to seek out another umbrella under which to produce his films. Upon ending the 14-year business relationship with Cruise, Viacom (they own Paramount) President Sumner Redstone said:

As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal. His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.

I think Sumner was being kind when he said "as much as we like him personally." Cause I don't think he, or Steven Spielberg, or a lot of other people in the movie business like Tom much at all. Especially not when he goes around using information related in confidence, like when Spielberg spoke to him for whatever reason about the doctor, to help Scientology in spreading its twisted gospel of thetans, E-meters and niacin treatments.

It says something about Cruise, I think, that he would choose to go about his business in this way. First of all it says that he's a slimy bastard for whom friendship really isn't all that important. And second of all, it says that he places his idiot religion above his career - which is self-defeating, because without his career as a movie star affording him a platform from which to speak, he is of no particular value to Scientology. This guy is probably so deluded, though, that he thinks he was allowed into the inner-sanctum of Scientology just based on how brilliant he is or because people in the church really dig him. He's in denial about the fact that he bought his way into it, and people are only nice to him because he's rich and famous.

I'll never forget the story I heard once about Tom: It was the day he was to get his star on the Walk-of-Fame. He was waiting in his limo a short distance from the ceremony, overcome with nervousness at the fear that no one would show up. He sent the driver over to see what kind of crowd there was, and when the driver came back Tom said, "Is anyone there?" To which the driver replied, "Only thousands of screaming women." At which point Tom's face lit up, and he exited the limo and went to meet the adoring throngs. Sick, insecure little putz - he needs so badly to be loved and admired, but will still stab his friends in the back at the chance to advance his little nutty personal agenda. That guy is one confused, twisted little fucker.

(source)

Katie's Hair Is Trying To Kill Her

Tom and Katie made another bullshit appearance in Germany. Tom decided to go with the teenage Hitler cut, while Katie went with the full head-hugging thing, the better to hide the wires sticking out of her chrome skull I guess.

Kim Kardashian Is A Liar As Well As A Cheap Whore

Kim Kardashian claimed the other day that she was robbed while being mobbed by fans at New York's JFK airport. Only problem - no one ever reported the alleged theft to the authorities, who now say the whole thing was nothing but a publicity stunt.

So Kim Kardashian lied about someone stealing $50,000 worth of stuff from her at the airport? I'm more amused by the part about her being "mobbed by fans." That was the whole reason for the lie about the theft - she wanted people to actually think she was molested by this adoring throng, and in the process one of them made off with her stuff. What a pitiful excuse for a human being. Honestly - the assholes from The Hills are even ashamed of this bitch.

(source)

Julia Roberts Chases Down Pap, Bitches Him Out

Ha ha...kick his ass Jules. Crazy bitch.

I wonder if she had the kids in the car with her as she was chasing the pap down the street.

Wilson Bags Bionic Babe

The game of musical chairs that is Owen Wilson's sex-life has landed on a new piece of semi-famous tail: Michelle Ryan, star of NBC's failed revival of The Bionic Woman.

Reports say Owen and Michelle have been spending a lot of time together lately, dining at Nobu and body-boarding at Malibu beaches. A source explains Owen's interest:

Michelle’s one of the few women in Hollywood who looks like herself and hasn’t had loads of work done. She’s refreshingly natural. She’s also pretty innocent about how this whole town works, which Owen finds endearing. And then there’s that British sense of humour.

In other words Michelle is young and basically unspoiled, and now she's going out with Owen Wilson which means that, within a month, she'll be broke and strung out and just trying to find someone to buy her a plane ticket back to England.

Funny how Owen keeps roping in all these attractive young women, isn't it? Jessica Simpson. Le Call. Now Michelle Ryan. The whole "I tried to kill myself not long ago, but I'm okay now" line must be working out great for him. Wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out Owen faked the whole suicide thing just so he could play the whole poor, sensitive, suffering man thing with broads he was trying to nail. Women eat that shit up I'm told.

(source)

Tom-Bashing Biography A Bore?

Andrew Morton's new biography of Tom Cruise was supposed to blow the lid off the actor's sordid past, revealing previously-unknown details about his sex-life and Scientology activities. It appears, however, that the heavily-researched book falls somewhat short of expectations. British publishers have reportedly decided not to even print it. As one source explained to the Daily Mail:

Morton hasn't unearthed anything sensational about Cruise that would make the book a blockbuster.

Of course - because there isn't anything to unearth. We already know he's a closeted homo, and that he's intimately involved with a cult that believes our bodies are infested with alien ghosts, and that said cult uses thuggish tactics on people who criticize it. And that he auditioned a bunch of young actresses to be his wife before settling on, and paying off, Katie Holmes. And that Steven Spielberg hates his guts for acting an ass during the publicity run-up to War of the Worlds, hurting the movie's box-office. And that his one big dream in life is to give it to David Beckham in the ass.

I could've written that book without doing even a jot of research. So why the hell should Morton get credit for "revealing" the same crappy stories that have been on the web for years? Morton is clearly only trying to tap into the anti-Cruise sentiment to make a quick buck. And his hype-campaign has been pathetic by the way - claiming to have been chased from his home by Scientology thugs. What a giant steaming load.

(source)

Blake Fielder-Civil To Write "Motivational Diary" For Amy Winehouse

Blake Fielder-Civil is worried that his wife Amy Winehouse won't be able to cope with life while he's rotting away in jail. So, good husband that he is, Blake has taken it upon himself to write Amy a "motivational diary," which he hopes will assist her in dealing with her troubles.

Fielder-Civil's mother Georgette explains:

He wants her to feel as if they're still sharing life and he's with her every day. Blake thinks that if Amy has a little thing to do for him each day that'll propel her on, give her something to work towards and get her out of bed in the morning.

"A little thing to do for him each day." Is this a "motivational diary" or instructions on how to smuggle drugs into prison?

Hello Amy, my love.

As always I am thinking about you every minute. I eagerly await the day when we can be re-united and continue our life together. Until then, I have a little job for you. I want you to go and buy yourself a really big, baggy overcoat with deep pockets. And then I want you to call up our good friend Jorgen. Tell him you want 3 shirts delivered to the usual place. When you get the shirts, stuff them in the inside pockets of the overcoat. Make sure to wear the overcoat the next time you swing by for visiting day. I've already paid off the guards to give you a half-hearted frisk. Besides which, they don't really like touching you anyway.

With all the love in my heart,

Blake

(source)

Ben Affleck Builds A Doll House

"Matt is gonna love his Christmas present this year."

Britney Goes Loco At Adult Store

Patrons of the Hustler Store in West Hollywood got a special treat on November 18 - a taste of Britney Spears's own special brand of chocolate-coated crazy.

US Weekly reports exclusively that, in the wee hours of the morning on the 18th, Britney made a bizarre spectacle of herself inside the adult shop. It began when Britney snatched up a bunch of underwear emblazoned with amusing phrases like "Barely Legal" (yes, I know, Britney buying underwear is a shock in-and-of-itself) and headed for the fitting room, but was told by employees that people weren't allowed to try on underwear. Britney, in a tiff, decided to drop her undies in the middle of the store, in full sight of everyone, and pull on a pair of the new boyshorts. A witness reports:

The employees kept saying "Don't change out here!" She's just like, "Well, I couldn't take them in the fitting room!" It was like dealing with a child.

Britney then carried her purchases to the counter to check out. The source said:

The staff told her she had to pay, and she rolled her eyes, but paid with a credit card. ... on her way out, she went up to a mannequin, snatched the wig off the head, and stole it!

Way to stick it to the man Britney. Yeah. No one tells you what to do, right? Fuck those fucking capitalists and their fucking rules.

Why does the word "sociopath" sudden leap into my head?

(source)

Sarah Jessica Parker Needs Fashion Advice

Those pants. Gaaaaa. What did Horseface do, break into the house of the dead guy from Quiet Riot and raid his closet? She couldn't wait for the garage sale?

Mary-Kate Lives (Sort Of)

Mary-Kate Olsen survived her kidney infection and is back out being dour and creepy. Just to show everyone that she's totally back to normal, Mary-Kate plucked a rat from atop a garbage can, bit it in half and drank its blood. Welcome back Mary-Kate.

Julia And Hazel

Julia Roberts takes her daughter Hazel for a walk. I'm not saying nothing this time - I'm done making fun of little kids. That kind of guilt, I don't need. I do need to ask one question though: Why does Hazel look like she came out of one of those Tim Burton/Nightmare Before Christmas-type movies? Did Julia have sex with Jack Skellington?

I'm sorry. I'm done.

Jessica Regrets Leaving Nick

Jessica Simpson broke up with Nick Lachey two years ago, and apparently still isn't over it. A source told US Weekly:

There are definitely parts of her that regret breaking up with Nick now.

We can only guess which parts those are. Actually, we don't want to guess. We just want to know why Jessica keeps throwing herself at men she can't have. Luckily, US Weekly commissioned a relationship expert to explain it all for us. The expert said of Jessica's recent sleep-around strategy:

It's possible Jessica is conflicted about being in a committed relationship again, so she is dating men who are unattainable.

The list of men Jessica has bedded in a vain attempt to forget Nick includes John Mayer, Orlando Bloom, Tony Romo and Owen Wilson. All men who only fucked Jessica because she has big old titties and can't think so good. And because they were trying to make people think they weren't gay.

What Jessica obviously needs is a man who will respect her for what she is. Love her no matter what. Expect almost nothing of her. Protect her and nurture her and allow her to come to full fruition as a woman. And she already knows a man like that - a man who wants to fuck her worse than anyone has ever wanted to fuck someone. Unfortunately, it's her father.

Poor Jessica, it seems, is doomed to a life of bitter loneliness. Maybe she could start a knitting club with Jennifer Aniston?

(source)

Giles Ditches Lindsay To Party

Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend Riley Giles wanted nothing to do with a quiet family weekend at stately Lohan Manor. Page 6 reports that the pot-smoking leech - that would be Giles - skipped out on Lindsay and the clan's post-Thanksgiving together-time, and went to New York to party it up in a fashion not commensurate with the sort of tee-totaling lifestyle Lindsay has now been forced by circumstance to take up.

Sources close to Lindsay say her relationship with Giles is headed straight for the rocks, largely because Riley refuses to curb his partying despite Lindsay's need for calm. Meanwhile, Lindsay has reportedly found a new pastime to fill her boozeless, drugless hours - shopping.

No, Lindsay has not followed her father into the House of the Lord. Unless the Lord lives at Armani Exchange.

(source)

Hogan Funny Business?

Kimberley Kohn, an attorney for brain-dead Nick Hogan pal John Graziano, claims the sudden divorce filing by Hulk's wife Linda is part of a ploy intended to protect the family's assets when a civil suit is finally filed against them on Graziano's behalf. It's all too complicated for the Crabster so I'll just let St. Petersburg Times writer Tamara El-Khoury explain it:

Kohn said Monday a divorce could be one step the Bolleas could take to try to protect assets. That's because it could cut Terry [Hulk] Bollea's assets in half, she said.

Nick Bollea faces a felony charge of reckless driving with serious bodily injury, and attorneys for John Graziano's estranged parents have said they intend to file a lawsuit as a result of the crash.

But if the Supra and the Viper are not registered to both parents, it could be harder to go after Mrs. Bollea individually, Kohn said. The mother's degree of control over who used the vehicles would have to be determined.

I've got a simpler solution to all of this. Instead of somebody suing somebody for money, how about just making the person directly responsible pay for their actions in an appropriate manner? Nick Hogan, I think, should be the only one held liable for Graziano's injuries. I mean he was the idiot driving the car. It's immaterial how he got to be an idiot in the first place - at some point little dumb-asses with dumb-ass parents who raised them to have no respect for society or even human life have to be taught the concept of personal accountability.

What would constitute a suitable punishment though? Jail? A suspended license? Too unimaginative. No, I think Nick should be subjected to something more poetic. I think Nick, for at least the next ten years, should have to live with John Graziano. He should have to keep John company during every waking moment. He should have to feed John his baby food, and clean the shit from him, and change his catheter and whatever else is required from a maintenance stand-point. Too extreme you say? Well, the Crabster is not without compassion even for asshats like Nick Hogan. If at any time Nick should become unable to take it anymore, he should have the choice to opt out of his punishment and accept what's behind door number 2 - a bullet to the back of the fucking head.

That, my friends, is Crabbie justice.

(source)

Vanessa Hudgens's Mom Keeps Her Shirt On

Look Vanessa, a fire hydrant. Oh come on - you know want to...

One Year Ago Today...

Remember what we were doing a year ago at this time? Yup - following Britney's poon-flashing adventures with Paris. For some reason I thought it would be funny to stick an ice cream cone between Britney's boobs. That must've been an even slower day than today.

In new news...Kim Kardashian got robbed at the airport and no one gave a fuck.

Winehouse Cancels Tour

Amy Winehouse has decided to cancel the remainder of her tour dates for the year after several disastrous shows, and a flood of complaints by irate ticket-buyers. Winehouse explained on her website:

I can't give it my all onstage without my Blake. I'm so sorry but I don't want to do the shows half-heartedly; I love singing. My husband is everything to me and without him it's just not the same.

Yeah, right Amy - it's all about your husband being in jail. It's not about you being a pitiful drunk who can't keep her shit together long enough to sing a couple of songs. Nice excuse though.

(source)

Has She Been Drinking Olsen Juice?

When did Gwyneth Paltrow become vaguely creepy? I mean, she was always annoying and shit, but never actually unsettling.

Such A Handsome Woman

"Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Kidman...honest mistake..."

Still Faking It

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are apparently committed to maintaining the fiction that is their friendship. I can't honestly see why since that show isn't on anymore (is it?), and since no one really cares about either one of them anyway. What do they think they gain by being seen together? And why does Nicole put up Paris at all when every time Nicole turns around Paris is trying to screw her, as evidenced by Paris's recent plot to sell pictures from Nicole's baby shower to the tabs? Someone needs to wake that bitch up.

James Haven Talks Crap Again

Angelina's creepy brother James Haven is once again flapping his gums about what a wonderful, caring person he is. Here's James on the strong feelings the poor, suffering people of the world inspire in him:

I'm so sensitive. If a building has been condemned or it's left to ruin, I get so upset. I feel something really deeply about it. I don't like to see anything neglected. If I see a down-and-out I can't walk past, it really gets to me and I want to do everything I can.

I can totally relate to your feelings James. Like, whenever I'm in a bakery, and see some delicious cake or pie or other pastry sitting there neglected, I just feel so strongly about it - I have to do something. So I buy the cake or pie or whatever, and take it home and make a nice warm, safe place for it in my tummy. It's the least I can do, really.

Seriously, what the fuck does this shit-for-brains think he's proving by constantly trumpeting his compassionate nature? Is he trying to make people less uncomfortable around him? Sorry James, but it's not working. You're just flat-out creepy. It doesn't matter how much you tear up over urban decay, or how many quarters you hand out to smelly, drunken indigents - you will always be a bug-eyed freak.

Please James - just stop talking. Stop telling us how great you are and how great Angelina is. No one is as great as you purport you and your sister to be. No one is as pure of motive or innocent of heart as you apparently believe you are. You live in a sick, creepy, butt-lipped fantasy world. And your sister is even ickier and more self-obsessed than you are.

(source)

Spice Girls Give Suri Private Show

The Spice Girls got a nice treat while they were rehearsing recently in L.A. - a visit from Scientology Jesus Tom Cruise, his automaton-wife Katietron and their adorable little alien-daughter Suri. Posh said of the visit:

[My husband David Beckham] and I are great friends with Tom and Katie. It was lovely of them to come down to rehearsals, a really nice surprise. Katie has told me before that she used to be a big Spice fan so it was great for her to meet the other girls.

The Slag Girls reportedly treated Tom and company to a little impromptu performance that had Suri dancing along. Suri can be forgiven though - she's too young to know about lip-syncing.

(Message to Tom Cruise: Liking the Spice Girls is not going to help all the gay rumors.)

(source)

Hopsy Has A New Man

Evil lying hag Heather Mills has found another man who is willing to sleep with her - milliner-turned-sculptor David Shilling. One word David: pre-nup.

Page 6 says Heather and David went to a fashion opening in Monaco together, where David introduced her to Prince Albert II. But I thought Heather hated rich people. Oh, that's right - she only hangs out with them so they'll give her money for her causes. I guess that means she's only fucking this Shilling fellow so he'll cough up dough to stop seals being clubbed or little Africans being blown up by landmines. Heather Mills - she's a whore with a purpose.

This David Shilling is either an idiot or just really kinky and into being stumped in the ass. There's no other explanation for why a man would have anything to do with someone as evil as Heather. Unless they just enjoyed being fleeced for millions by a demonic harlot.

(source)

Hulk And Linda: The Divorce Drama

Linda Hogan filed divorce papers against her husband the Hulkster last week, but new reports say that Linda is having second thoughts about terminating the couple's 24-year marriage. A source told TMZ:

She keeps saying to him "Can't we find a way to make this work?" She doesn't want to see the family break up. She really wants to work it out with him. But it is like pushing up against a brick wall. She is heartbroken about it.

Pushing against a bald, roided-up brick wall with a withered peepee - not a great way to spend one's post-menopausal years.

We all know it's about the withered peepee right?

Sources say the recent unpleasantness surrounding son Nick and his unfortunate driving habits is actually at the heart of Hulk and Linda's problems. Sounds like a classic case of the old blame-game, eh? Hulk and Linda each reproaching the other for turning the little fucker into a spoiled social deviant. And then there's Brooke and her obvious gender issues. At some point, someone needs to help Brooke come to grips with being a man.

I hope the family can work it out. I really do. Cause love is such a rare thing. And really, what are Hulk's chances of finding another woman willing to put up with his shrunken penis and emerging steroid boobs? I'd hate to see an American icon like the Hulkster wind up haunting public parks in search of butt sex. That would be...just fucking tragic man.

(source)

Birkhead Takes Dannielynn Shopping

"God, I wish they had this in my size..."

Disgraced Model Checks Into Rehab

Sophie Anderton has taken action in the wake of her outing as a coke-sniffing prostitute by an undercover reporter for News of the World - by checking herself into rehab.

This will help with the coke-sniffing part, I guess, but isn't going to do a lot for the whoring thing. Unless there is now rehab for people who sell their bodies to reporters for house-payment money.

Anderton, who I'd never heard of until the NOTW story broke, is reportedly distraught over the public now knowing that she does blow and casually offers herself to people in exchange for cash. A family friend said:

She's been screaming and crying down the phone, yelling, "It's all over." Sophie is absolutely shattered. Everyone is terrified about her state of mind.

Oh, buck up Sophie. It's not like you had much of a career to lose in the first place, right? Otherwise you wouldn't have needed to whore yourself out. And it's not as if people had some image of you as this straight-laced individual. Most of us, in fact, had no image of you at all. And those who did only cared about your tits anyway. Seriously - you think the wank-pots downloading your pictures on the internet give a shit if you do blow? And about the whoring thing...shit Sophie, that only makes you more attractive to them. These people are dirtbags and you're a dirtbag - so it seems to me you've already got things where you want them. Going straight will only mess all that up.

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Putting The "Brit" In Britney

Britney Spears, like her on-again/off-again pal Madonna, has reportedly begun affecting a British accent. Unlike Madonna, who talks like a fake duchess pretty much all the time, Britney apparently only whips out her accent when she's doing business - a habit that has begun grating on certain people's nerves.

A Britney insider described the situation this way:

It's very distracting. It seems she is using a British accent when she talks to people outside her circle of friends. One of her people claimed she was studying for a film role.

Britney's hauling out the old "it's all for a movie role" excuse again? Just like when she went after the paps with the umbrella and tried to make everyone believe it was because she was auditioning for a part and couldn't get herself out of character? Oh dear - Britney is Al Pacino now.

Well, she's about as sexy as Pacino.

(source)

Rhys Meyers To His Female Colleagues: Get Those Knickers Off

Jonathan Rhys Meyers has no time whatsoever for actresses who aren't willing to disrobe for a part. The delicious, oft-drunken mess of an Irish actor said:

I can't stand actresses who won't take their clothes off. It drives me nuts. I want to cut their ears off. If it says in the script you're naked, be naked, instead of moaning and saying, "I really don't want to show my tits, I don't want to show my arse."

I have the same issue with people I lure into my apartment. It irritates me when they won't strip down. And it really irritates me when they refuse to contribute to my shit sculpture. Uptight bastards.

(source)

Lindsay's A Good Influence Now

Lindsay has been playing big sis to little Ali lately. Here we see them out shopping in New York on Blaaaaaaahck Friday, Ali with the bright red nail-polish and Lindsay with her fish-lips and fake hair and bizarre skin-tone. Ali looks petrified to me, while Lindsay just appears to be spacing. I predict lots of family therapy in their future.

Reese Turns Down Jake's Marriage Proposal

Jake Gyllenhaal reportedly proposed to "girlfriend" Reese Witherspoon during their recent highly-photographed trip to Rome. And Reese reportedly turned the yummy Jake down flat.

Now why in God's name would a troll like Witherspoon turn down a marriage proposal from that Olympian god Jake? You'd think the little dwarf would be flattered to have him even look at her twice. Apparently, however, Reese is still stinging from the bust-up of her previous marriage, to Ryan Phillippe, plus she has the kids to think about. A source told the National Enquirer:

Reese wants to take things very slowly because of her two young children. She doesn't want anything to upset or disrupt them. It took her a while to introduce them to Jake - she didn't want them to know they were a couple until they were definitely serious about each other.

They are madly in love. They really are the perfect couple.

I was struck by that line, "She doesn't want to upset or disrupt them." It made me think about Angelina and how she upsets and disrupts the lives her own children seemingly at a whim. I guess some people are more about their kids, while others are more about themselves.

Anyway, getting back to Jake and Reese. I guess I can accept that Reese doesn't want to rush into anything, but damn - it's Jake Gyllenhaal. If I'm Reese, I'd want to nail him down as fast as possible - before this whole hetero phase passes and he goes back to chasing Lance Armstrong up and down the countryside. I'm sure Reese didn't get where she is in show biz by being timid and not grabbing for the brass ring, so, I think she knows what she has to do. She'll change her mind soon.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Is Not To Be Messed With

Amy Winehouse went to visit her husband Blake Fielder-Civil in jail, and needless to say, was not happy to have the paps all over her as she did so. One suggestion to Amy, if she really wants to keep a lower profile when she goes out, would be to lose the beehive and the other stuff that screams "Amy Winehouse." Make yourself look like any other slaggy bitch going to visit her dirtbag husband in the slammer and maybe they wouldn't notice you. Oh, but not being noticed - that would be awful, wouldn't it Amy?

Heather Mills: Giant Liar Or Just Delusional?

Heather Mills must think we are all incredibly naive and gullible. Either that or the woman is buried so deep in her own delusions that reality has become to her little more than a distant flicker of light. Whatever the case, Heather has now unleashed the most outrageous statement of her entire life - and that's saying something, when you consider the insane fabrications she has come up with in the past.

Heather Mills, celebrity animal-rights activist and denizen of the Hamptons, has claimed publicly that she actually despises rich people, and only associates with them as a way of advancing her causes. No, I'm not making it up. Here is the exact quote:

Sadly, you have to mix at a certain level of people to raise the level of funds you need to bring about the greater good. Because people are very snobby. These people who have lots of money, they're either snobby or they're stingy. If you have lots of money, you have to be stingy - because why would you want that amount of money?

Now it all comes clear. The entire arc of Heather's existence. From back in the days when she was selling herself to rich Arab businessmen, all the way up to her marriage with Paul McCartney and subsequent attempt to fleece him for millions in the divorce settlement. It was never about Heather wanting to have lots of money, or Heather wanting to be famous - it was always about how deeply Heather cared about the poor animals, and the poor landmine victims; and wasn't it so noble of Heather to sacrifice so much by putting up with all those snobby rich people so her causes could be properly funded?

At this point, I don't know whether to despise Heather Mills even more or actually admire her. I have to hand it to her at least - she has a lot of nerve. To say something like that in public - this requires an audacity that is actually heroic in a twisted way. I mean, to follow through on one's lies that thoroughly - that's committment. Who among us would be willing to take our own bullshit that far? Most of us would've long-since caved in, the burden of lying having overwhelmed us. But not Heather. She is made of sterner stuff.

Unless of course Heather is just flat-out insane, in which case I suppose we have to feel sorry for her. Not so sorry for her that we won't still make fun of her though.

Heather, the gift that keeps on giving, did not stop with the ridiculous assertion outlined above. She went on:

If you look at every single person in the history of the world who has tried to make a difference, you'll find a very long section of their lives where they were treated horrifically by the government or by the media.

Ah. So now Heather thinks she's Jesus. Gandhi. Joan of Arc. I was sort of wondering when that shit would start. Paranoid delusions tend to run in that grandoise direction. You never see people with severe persecution complexes comparing themselves to Joe the baker or Steve the hairdresser do you? Yes Heather, in a thousand years you'll be remembered as the one-legged Joan of Arc of the animals. Of course you'll have to die in some horrific way first like being burned at the stake. How convenient that you come with your own kindling.

(source)

Lourdes To Star In New Harry Potter?

Madonna's daughter Lourdes has been offered a role in the new Harry Potter movie.

I've been told I'm a mean person for posting that picture up there. I only did so as a way of demonstrating why Lourdes might be perfect for a role in a Harry Potter movie. Cause, you know, they wouldn't have to make her up or anything. If she was playing a troll or something.

(source)

Nick Hogan's License Suspended

Nick Hogan has had his license yanked for a year by the Florida Department of Highway Safety & Motor Vehicles. Here's the kicker though - the suspension actually stems from an incident that happened months before the infamous crash that cost John Graziano his faculties.

Back in April, Hogan was ticketed by cops for going 106 mph. But the Florida authorities only just got around to deeming Hogan a danger to the public based on that particular offense.

It's too little, too late for John Graziano obviously. Then again, he did voluntarily get in the car with Hogan, so it's hard to have that much sympathy for him.

(source)

Rihanna Has Lunch

Now she's sexy. Forget about all that "Umbrella" shit.

Uh, Amy? You've Got A Little Something...

Come on now. No jumping to conclusions. It could just be a big, suspiciously white booger you know. I mean it does happen. Right?

Who Does Heather Mills Think She's Kidding?

One-legged nuisance Heather Mills is threatening to cut off the media after accusing numerous outlets of misrepresenting recent statements she made about drinking rats' milk.

Heather, a crusader for veganism, said as part of an anti-cow campaign that cows' milk is bad, and asked, perhaps rhetorically:

Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?

Heather's point being, I guess, that our attachment to cows' milk is based on something arbitrary and if we were all as enlightened as she is we would immediately see the error of our ways and begin living as she does.

Oh, but the media didn't "get" what Heather was saying. The media failed to see her statement as the rhetorical flourish it was meant to be and accused her of actually advocating the consumption of rats' milk. So now Heather has become the rats' milk lady and isn't that a grand joke on Heather?

Old Heather apparently does not think the grand joke is very funny. Now, the bitch is threatening to boycott the media in retaliation for their persistent mockery. Heather's looney spokeswoman Michele Elyzabeth fumed:

Heather married Paul McCartney, period. It's not going away. And during this divorce they [the media] will need access and are not going to get it. They are assholes. There are limits and they make fun of her. They've crossed the line.

Hold on a second while I clean up the cows' milk I just squirted from my nose.

Honestly, do Heather and Michele actually think we believe the jive they're trying to lay on us? That Heather would stop giving the media access just because she's mad? For God's sake, Heather can't live without attention. If the media suddenly stopped covering her, she'd probably hang herself (which is why I actually advocate the media no longer covering her).

Heather is yet another asshole celeb who thinks she can have it both ways - she thinks she can use the press as a way of getting out her personal agenda, disseminating her blather about cows and whatever other ideas have lodged themselves in her twisted mind, but then when things go the other way and she gets criticized and mocked, suddenly the media are her enemies and she's going to cut them off. Well I hate to break it to you Heather, but without the media you are nothing. Without the press as an outlet for your silliness you are merely an angry, one-legged shrew pissing and moaning about whatever, no different than any random nut screaming about the end of the world on a street corner.

Seriously Heather - no one cares that you think cows are bad. Cows probably are destroying the earth with all the methane they fart out, and God knows the damage that's being done to us by the hormones and other shit people put into cows that then gets into us via milk and meat. But all that isn't going to be fixed because of raving lunatics like you plastering your ugly mugs on billboards and behaving all outraged on television. So please Heather, shut up and let the responsible people deal with things, okay? Stop hurting what might be worthy causes by injecting yourself into the conversation and giving people like me an excuse to ignore the real issue and just make fun of you.

If you really cared about all the stuff you say you care about, Heather dear, you'd recognize the harm you're doing and just get out of the way. But that will never happen, because you're not really motivated by a desire to help anyone or anything - you're just another self-serving piece of shit, a publicity-whore and a psychological wreck who has convinced herself that she's some kind of righteous crusader, perhaps because this makes her feel less worthless.

So yeah, Heather, why not make good on your threat to cut off the media? You'd actually be doing everyone a favor. In a couple days we'd find someone else to make fun of. We'd soon, and gladly, forget you ever existed.

(source)

Aniston Chases Off Another Friend

Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox are reportedly no longer speaking. The big rift in their relationship happened because Cox was supposed to drop everything and fly to Oregon to hang with Jen while she was working on a movie but Courteney had to change her plans when husband David Arquette could not accompany her, and told her he didn't want her going without him.

A source explained the situation to Star magazine:

[Jennifer] called Courteney from Portland. She’d had a bad day on the set and wanted to talk about it. She was hoping Courteney might come to Oregon to see her. But when Courteney told her it wasn’t a good time, Jen lost it. She broke down and screamed that Courteney wasn’t supportive and never makes time for her anymore. ... Courteney was blown away. She feels like all she ever does is listen to Jennifer whine. ... Courteney told Jen that she was being selfish. But Jen didn’t want to hear it and slammed down the phone. They haven’t talked since.

And of course what did Jen do after being spurned by her pal Courteney? Started emailing Brad Pitt, then calling him. Star says Jen has been "flirty" with Brad in their exchanges. And that faint sulphurous odor you perceive? That's the smoke coming out of Angelina's ears.

We all know Jennifer is a really needy, clinging person, but dang - sounds like she's gone completely off the rails here. I mean, Courteney has her own life, right? A husband. A brood. It's not like she can press pause on all that and fly off to Oregon every time Jen needs someone to cry to. Jen needs to find somebody else to dump all that shit onto - a bartender, or perhaps an operator at a suicide prevention hotline. That's what those people are for.

And poor Brad, still feeling an obligation toward Jennifer after all this time. It's kind of sweet I guess but I don't know - sounds dangerous to me. Especially knowing who the main woman is in his life. You know, the chick who likes knives and blood? Brad needs to make a choice - does he want to keep being pals with Jen or does he want to keep living? That should be a no-brainer, I would think.

(source)

Adrien Brody Nearly Killed By Cow

Actor Adrien Brody had a brush with death while buzzing around on his motorcycle in India recently. The Oscar-winner recounts:

I almost died. I was behind a tuk-tuk, one of those little motorized rickshaws, when the driver suddenly pulled to the side and revealed a cow walking away from me on the road. I jammed on the brakes, skidded and nearly slammed straight into it.

I was laughing because it seemed so absurd. I was thinking, "This is going to be the way I'll be remembered: rear-ending a cow - all the years of hard work and this is it."

Rear-ending a cow, huh? That doesn't sound like such a bad way to go.

(source)

Clooney Rides

"Getcha motor running...head out on the highway. Lookin' for adventure...or some nice wayside butt-sex..."

Mary-Kate Olsen Has An Infected Kidney

Mary-Kate Olsen was admitted to the ER in New York Monday with a kidney infection, her reps report. Sounds like someone's been sucking too much drunken homeless guy blood again.

Naw, I kid. It's not the bad blood that did it. It's that Mary-Kate's kidneys are actually monkey kidneys she had put in after the real ones escaped. The monkey kidneys are now apparently rebelling. Maybe she should try pig kidneys next time.

(source)

No One Brings The Crazy Like Bai Ling

What was that about the cow? I don't know, but I think Heather Mills is gonna be pissed when she hears about it.

Janice Dickinson Rips Posh's Fashion Sense

Insufferable fame-whore Janice Dickinson has called out Victoria Beckham for having no style. Janice said:

I think it's [Posh's style] absolutely horrible! I don't get it at all. I think she should gain a little weight. With all due respect, you want an icon, give me Princess Diana. I don't get this. Oh please, she doesn't even smile. She needs some fashion tips. I'd take her on in a heartbeat.

Yes Janice, Posh doesn't smile. And another thing she doesn't do is stick her legs in the air at the slightest urging, giving everyone a nice whiff of cobwebby old lady poon. And she also doesn't stagger around loaded on booze and pills at 2 in the afternoon.

Far be it from me to defend Posh, who is an utterly absurd human being, but come on. Janice Dickinson is the last person who should be criticizing anyone else for having no taste. And please Janice, don't throw Princess Di in my face, all right hon? She and Jackie O are the first people low-rent slags like you bring up when they're trying to show that they know class. Do you think that by acknowledging people who comported themselves in a dignified manner in public (if not always in private) you can somehow acquire a measure of that dignity yourself? Don't make me laugh. You haven't got a shred of dignity, you shrill, mindless old coot. The only thing you have to peddle is your willingness to behave outrageously, so dignity for you would only be an impediment. Now please fuck off, you fake-faced, fake-titted relic. And try to keep your legs closed for more than five seconds, okay?

(source)

Richie Donates Shower Gifts

Nicole Richie did something nice for the poor folks by donating a bunch of her baby shower gifts through her newly-formed charitable endeavor the Richie Madden Foundation, which immediately issued a press release trumpeting Nicole's little show of holiday spirit. I ask you: is there anything more heart-warming than a sincere act of image rehab?

Of course everyone's all patting Nicole on the back for being so wonderful. But I say not so fast. Do we know exactly what the stuff was that Nicole donated in the first place? Shouldn't we reserve judgment as to the depth of Nicole's caring until the crap has actually been inventoried? It could all be a bunch of lead-tainted Chinese shit for all we know. Or stuff poor people don't need like glow-in-the-dark dildos.

Actually, it appears that the guests at Nicole's Wizard of Oz shower (which did not feature a mysterious figure dangling from a tree branch) brought presents both to be donated and for Nicole to keep, and also each brought a book to add to the baby's library. And those books will surely be appreciated by Nicole's little pooper - when he/she is around 23 and finally learns to read.

(source)

Winehouse Wants Fans To Send Blake A Rose

Amy Winehouse prevailed upon fans at a show in Glasgow to help her cheer up her jailed hubby Blake Fielder-Civil by sending him roses. Amy said that she was sending Blake a bouquet herself in commemoration of their six-month anniversary, then gave out the address of Pentonville Prison and told people to follow her lead.

Here's Amy's basic problem - she thinks other people actually like Blake. But they don't. They all hate him. Her family hates him. Her fans hate him. Hell, he even hates himself. When people come to Amy's shows, they want to hear her sing - not listen to her go on-and-on about her idiot husband who is probably going to end up in prison forever. But Amy is too self-absorbed and unprofessional to realize this. She thinks it's all about her and her little feelings, not what she is capable of giving the audience.

I'd prevail upon someone to knock some sense into this chick but I don't think sense can possibly be knocked into her. She's just one of those people. She'll never, ever get it.

(source)

Model Caught Selling Self, Using Drugs

"Supermodel" Sophie Anderton is at the center of controversy after being filmed snorting coke and offering to sell herself for $20,000 to an undercover News of the World reporter (video here; may not work right with Firefox or perhaps my 'puter is just wonky).

Slaggy Anderton told the reporter that she needed money because she was buying a new house, then started laying down the ground-rules for any sexual encounter they might have. Sophie allegedly said:

Definitely with condoms. Spanking is cool. But I'm not into any kinky shitt, to be honest.

I know that I'm great in bed. But if I don't feel comfortable with something I'm not going to go along with it and be fake. I don't do the whole fake thing.

A whore with integrity - you have to admire that.

Sophie then called her dealer and had some coke sent over. The drug made her chatty, and she began laying into certain other famous people like Kate Moss, of whom she said:

She's about to screw up again. She is a fucking nightmare. She has got big, big problems. On her birthday, I actually left the birthday party.

She's not clever. She's got that innocence about her and men always get really protective over her.

But you're clever, right Sophie? So clever that you didn't notice the reporter's bag sitting there with the hidden camera in it. So clever that you didn't realize you were the only one snorting coke.

Sophie also gave it to Sienna Miller, saying:

Last night Sienna Miller was sat down with us at a party. I'm not that impressed with her at all. She's pretty but she's quite short.

Sophie then offered to call some of her friends and set up a weekend sex romp in the Bahamas, for which the reporter would've had to shell out $30,000. Sophie reportedly boasted:

I'm great at sex. I'll be a lot of fun. I'll look great on your fucking arm. I'm a supermodel.

Yes Sophie. You're a supermodel. Now go lie down. You've had a long day.

(source)

Tom Shows Off His Vaunted Sense Of Humor Again

Tom Cruise has done the predictable - he's dispatched his lawyers to deal with the pics of him in a bald cap and fat suit that have been flooding tabloids and the web since last Friday. Cause Tom doesn't want anyone seeing pictures of him looking like an English teacher. That would be bad.

The big nasty chomping lawyers have succeeded in getting photo agency INF to take the pics from circulation, but so what? We've all got them already. So now they'll have to find all the pissant blogs like this one and send each of us an email ordering us to take the pics down. I'm going to be waiting for mine. Cue the Jeopardy! music.

Okay, this could get old fast. Shut that shit off.

I'm gonna be waiting awhile for this one I have a feeling. While doing so, I might spend my time pondering why Tom Cruise would bother siccing his lawyers on people over a couple dumb pictures of him dressed up as a bald, fat man in a Ben Stiller movie. Is he so worried about his image being ruined? We're all going to see it when the movie comes out anyway, Tom. Or, well, some of us will see it. Not as many as saw movies like Jerry Maguire and the first Mission: Impossible though. Maybe as many as saw Vanilla Sky or that piece of shit Far and Away. But maybe not even that many.

See Tom, here was your chance to show everyone that you can roll with stuff, and have a sense of humor about things. But no, you chose your usual course of action when people violate your little fantasy of perfection - you released the legal dogs. Now there's even more ammo for those of us who think you're nothing but a delusional, vain, humorless little twerp. Thanks Tom - you just did our job for us. Again.

(source)

Nicole Richie's Baby Shower Was "Really Cute"

Nicole Richie's friends showed their affection for her by paying some high-priced party planner to throw her a baby shower over the weekend. This is the sort of thing rich people do to avoid having to expend what small mental capacity they have on anything remotely resembling a creative pursuit. Plus blowing up balloons is really hard when you're trying to snort coke off a coffee table at the same time, so you better just let someone else do all that.

The baby shower was, for some reason, Wizard of Oz-themed. There were life-sized figures of characters from the movie set up in the Beverly Hills Hotel and a Wizard of Oz cake. And Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon was playing, and everyone noticed eerie parallels between the music and what was happening. Then they realized it was only the drugs kicking in.

Guests at the shindig reportedly included Paris Hilton (the Tin-Woman?), Lauren Conrad, Samantha Ronson (a dude at a baby shower?) and Sophie Monk, fiancee of Joel Madden's brother Benji. Conrad said of the affair:

The shower was great. It was really cute.

Of course someone else had to write that for her.

(source)

Jonathan Rhys Meyers Arrested For Being Irish

Yummy Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers acted a little too Irish in the Dublin Airport and got arrested. Come to think of it, what the hell actually constitutes drunk and disorderly, the thing Meyers got pinched for, in Ireland?

This is somewhat disappointing news to those who were hoping Jonathan had put all his alcohol problems behind him. Jonathan actually said himself that he was dead-set on not drinking anymore. He told the Associated Press in 2006:

I gave up drinking a few years ago, and this is the first time I've spent time in my country trying not to drink.

I would never drink again. It is hard to avoid. But listen, you do what you want to do. I don't want to do that. I want my career, and you can't really do that and be successful on the screen.

I'm young. If I grow older, which I hope I do, there's going to be an awful lot of time to sit in your 60s and 70s and 80s, lots of time for Southern Comfort and ice then. Now? I've got business to take care of.

Another one who talks big. Oh well. The Crabster doesn't mind them a little drunk as long as they can still perform.

(source)

Panettiere Arrested!

Hayden Panettiere is in trouble with the Empire! What did she do, try to stop Darth Vader from killing some space dolphins he wanted for his space dolphin salad?

It's got to be painful to get a hard-on inside one of those stormtrooper suits, don't you think?

Fat, Bald Tommy

Tom Cruise is breaking an endless string of serious dramas by starring in a new Ben Stiller comedy, which will require him to be bald and fat. The bald part is being handled with a cap, but the fat part is all Tommy. Note from the pic how it was necessary to give Tom a fake hairy chest. Tom's actual chest is smooth and hairless as a baby's butt. And he doesn't wax it either.

This is all part of an obvious attempt by Tom to soften his image. He doesn't want us seeing him as the little joyless tyrant he truly is, so now he's going to show us his "funny side." Only problem is, Tom doesn't have a funny side. In order to have one, you have to occasionally be able to step back from life and chuckle at it all, but as we know, Tom is one of those people who has to be intensely engaged in everything at all times, grinding away at life like a machine. He lacks the ability to detach from stuff and just breathe. And without that, you can't ever learn to be really funny.

Katie Clowns It Up

Katie Couric makes fun of Dan Rather's fussiness over his overcoat. She also mocks him for calling her a "tart." And she makes a Jewish joke and calls a guy "bro." If you can sit through the whole video, you deserve a prize. Not from me, but you know, from somebody who has money to buy prizes to give to people.

Travolta Nearly Gives Douglas A Heart Attack

What the hell was John Travolta thinking? Kirk Douglas is like four-hundred years old. His ticker can't take any kind of shock. So Travolta plants a spontaneous kiss on him?

Um...does this make Travolta a necrophiliac?

By the way, I talked to Kirk Douglas - he told me sucking face with Travolta was still better than the time he fucked Joan Crawford in her foyer.

Britney Barred From Driving With Kids

Commissioner Gordon has ordered Britney Spears not to drive with her kids in the car anymore. This after today's emergency hearing in which Kevin Federline's lawyers presented evidence of Brit's irresponsible driving including the infamous video of her running a red light with the kids and child monitor all in the car with her.

Someday Britney is going to figure out how impossible it is to get away with shit when you're constantly surrounded by people with cameras.

(source)

Dina On Lindsay's New Start

Dina Lohan has commented on her daughter Lindsay's little trip to jail yesterday. Dina said:

Lindsay has been given a new start and will put this behind her.

And:

She is focused on educating others of the dangers of drinking and driving.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

(source)

Clooney And His Wheels

George Clooney is back on his murdercycle after his little crash a few weeks ago. His stripper girlfriend is nowhere to be seen though. That's okay, George is a loner - he don't need no woman crimping his style. Can't you just hear Steppenwolf coming up in the background?

McPhee Engaged To Fellow Doofus

Smiling idiot Katherine McPhee is reportedly engaged to an actor named Nick Cokas. A source told People:

Katharine is bubbling over with excitement for her upcoming wedding. She is all smiles when she talks about the planning. It sounds like everything is going very smoothly.

Congrats Katherine. Now you can settle down to a life of leaving the rest of us alone, and pumping out a bunch of grinning-simp kids. Go to it girl.

(source)

Madge-estic

Mary-Kate Olsen is turning into Madonna. And not like a Madonna from when she was in her early twenties either, but Madonna as she is now.

Seriously - do these broads all possess some kind of fast-aging formula? I don't think there's a single woman in Hollywood who looks a day under 35 right now. Except maybe Dakota Fanning, but she doesn't count cause freaks don't count.

Yes, the fast-aging formula is a combination of booze and drugs. I thought of that one, okay?

Oh The Whore-or

The Spice Girls sported Roberto Cavalli creations while "performing" at the Kodak Theater as part of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night. I have "performing" in quotes because the Spicies apparently lip-synched, which actually pissed off some of their fans.

Here's the thing - if you're silly enough to think the Spice Girls are going to perform somewhere without lip-synching, then you need to get a clue. Actually, if you even care about anything the Spice Girls do, you need to get a clue.

And someone else who needs to get a clue - whoever thought it would be a good idea to turn the Spice Girls into the Andrews Sisters. I bet they didn't sing "Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy (Of Company B)" did they? No. Because to do that would require actual talent, something the Andrews Sisters had, but the Spice Girls don't. Unless you count the ability to strike various silly poses as a talent. Then they're fucking geniuses.

(source)

Armstrong And Olsen Just Friends

Bicycle stud Lance Armstrong claims that his relationship with freak Ashley Olsen is only a friendship. Lance told Page 6:

Ashley Olsen and I are strictly friends. We have hung out amongst other friends, and she strikes me as a nice, smart lady.

Three things Ashley Olsen definitely isn't: nice, smart and a lady. All right, I grant you - she's not as bad as her sister Mary-Kate, who is basically Tara Reid with a lot more money and fashion sense. But I still don't think she's exactly the bookish girl next door type.

And as for Lance claiming they're only friends...Lance dear, why in God's name would a guy like you hang out with a girl like Ashley if you weren't fucking? The only reason someone like you wants to be around an Olsen twin is because you have some kind of weird erotic fixation. Maybe your desire to have sex with one member of a set of twins ties in with the fact that you possess only one testicle? I'm no Freud mind you, I'm just throwing stuff out there...

(source)

Winehouse Dumped By Tour Manager

Amy Winehouse's tour manager has quit her after doctors found heroin in his system, heroin he ingested passively while Amy and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil were smoking it on their tour bus.

Hold on a sec - I thought Amy didn't do drugs. She said all she does is drink. Could it be that she was...lying?

The tour manager, Thom Stone, had already almost had it with Amy even before the heroin thing. It's not hard to see why either. I mean, has there been an Amy Winehouse gig in recent memory that didn't end up a total disaster? When they do those surveys of worst jobs in the world, it's like, Alaskan Crab Fisherman number 1, Baghdad Police Officer number 2, Tour Manager for Amy Winehouse number 3.

Oh, and there's more evidence that Winehouse is a druggy too. Check out this video of her on-stage, where she appears to pull something from her beehive and snort it:

And you thought that beehive was just cause Amy has no fashion sense. Well think again, butthead.

(source)

Lohan Serves Her Jail Time

Lindsay Lohan checked into Lynwood - ah the memories, eh Paris? - this morning at 10:30 Pacific Time and was released at 11:54. So now she's served the jail time she was given as part of her DUI plea deal. Her people did a considerably better job of avoiding media attention over this than Paris's did, I'd have to say. Sorta makes you wonder - did Paris's people even try to keep the thing from turning into a circus, or was that what they actually wanted all along?

(source)

Rachael Ray Doesn't Like Gossip

Rachael Ray is sick and tired of people gossiping about her and her dopey husband John Cusimano, who are said to be having troubles in their marriage. Apparently Ray had a little nervous breakdown over all the negative stories while taping her stupid show today. She blubbered to her audience:

Everybody gossips ... but this stuff is hurting people's feelings who are in our families and friends of ours. They worry about us."

There's always someone that's going to be telling stories behind your back, but this is too much.

The tabloids won't stop printing this junk until people stop buying it.

Well, then I hope people never stop buying it, Rachael. Cause nothing makes me happier than the thought of you being driven crazy by people's gossip. Seriously - it gives me a warm feeling right there in my heart. I don't even know why. I just hate you on general principle I guess.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Booed, Threatens Fans

Amy Winehouse must subconsciously want to destroy her own career or something. You know, some crazy thing where she hates fame but can't bring herself to just quit, so she sabotages herself with bizarre antics.

Take her show last night. First show of her new big tour. Crazy bitch comes out all bombed, mumbling into the microphone like she does. Then she keeps bringing up her idiot husband Blake Fielder-Civil who's likely going to get sent up for trying to buy off a witness in his assault trial. Changes the words to her songs, slipping his name in. All the time pissing off her fans, like the one who said later:

She came on stage half an hour late. She managed four songs but was slurring her words and swaying all over the place. ... She fell into the guitar stand and dropped the microphone - it was atrocious. The song dedicated to her husband was so bad it was like swinging a cat round your head.

Then of course Amy starts turning on the booing fans. She says to them:

Let me tell you something. First of all, if you're booing you're a mug for buying a ticket. Second, to all those booing, just wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that.

You mean what? He's going to find each of those people and personally beat them up for you?

Amy Winehouse - she passed crazy awhile ago and is well on her way to completely bonkers. And don't tell me it's just the booze either. She'd probably be even worse if she didn't drink.

(source)

Hayden Panettiere Is Wanted By The Police

The Japanese police are reportedly after Hayden Panettiere and her surfer buddies for their stunt a couple weeks ago where they tried to stop some fishermen from killing a bunch of dolphins. Hayden doesn't seem that concerned about it though. When asked what could happen to her the heroic cutie replied:

Potentially jail, but I doubt it.

Whatever happens to you Hayden, the Crabster will always be on your side. You're a shining symbol of young American womanhood as far as I'm concerned. Much better than worthless piles of shit like Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and those fucking pinheaded sluts on The Hills. Those whores get attention merely for flashing their poons, wagging their asses and basically behaving like uncivilized cunts. But you Hayden - you get attention through flouting authority, thumbing your nose at the powers that be and generally sticking it to the man. Your acts of vanity are much more noble than theirs, plus they're actually dangerous and involve potential arrest.

You're so awesome Hayden - like a short, white, half-dumb Angela Davis.

(source)

Matt Damon Is The Sexiest Man Alive...Not!

People has named Matt Damon the sexiest man in the entire universe for 2007.

Matt freaking Damon? That troglodyte? The sexiest man alive? What the hell kind of crazy are these bastards trying to sell the Crabster? Matt Damon is about as sexy as the piece of toilet paper I had stuck to my shoe for three weeks that no one told me about.

Everyone knows that the absolute A-1 most sexiestest man in the world is...

Hollywood Elsewhere blogger Jeffrey Wells!



Work it Wells, work it! Yeah. The J-Bomb. Woooooo!

Oh, slow it down baby. You rock my world J-Bomb.

(source)

Dear Angelina: Shove It

Angelina Jolie has written an article about Darfur for this month's issue of The Economist. In it, the actress/humanitarian/ball-buster calls for certain members of the Sudanese government and their goons to be put on trial for genocide. Angelina writes:

Accountability is perhaps the only force powerful enough to break the cycle of violence and retribution that marks so many conflicts. Through accountability we can begin the process of righting past wrongs, and even change the behavior of some of the world's worst criminals.

Angelina goes on to recount a conversation she had with a teenage refugee in Sudan, who asked her why those responsible for the Darfur genocide have not been put on trial. She then writes:

I hope that the Sudanese government will hand over the government minister and the Janjaweed militia leader who have been indicted for war crimes [by the International Criminal Court in The Hague], and that the teenager I met ... will get the trial he seeks. ... I hope that those responsible for the atrocities in Darfur will be held to account, not only for that young man's sake, but for the world's.

I bet those Sudanese thugs and their Arab cronies are shaking in their boots now, knowing Angelina is after their asses. I'm not being sarcastic either. Those fuckers read the tabs too - they know what powers Angelina has. They look at Brad Pitt and think, "Damn, she's not going to de-nut us like that is she? We better pack a suitcase in case we need to make a run for Iran real fast."

Seriously...it's lovely that Angelina is so involved in things and is willing to take time out from her busy life of baby-collecting and hating Jennifer Aniston to compose such an article. The downtrodden need more eloquent spokespeople like Angie taking up their cause. Calling for accountability and all that. Cause that's what the world needs - people owning up to their crimes.

Hmm...I wonder if Angie would like to be the first one to try this whole accountability thing. You know, admit that her fortune is the result of years of shilling for corporations that do untold damage around the world. I mean let's face it - big movies don't get made without corporate money being pumped into them in exchange for product placement and stuff like that. So, if Angie stars in a movie that's been partially financed by that corporate money, she is in effect humping that company's stuff. And those companies all do bad things. They employ child workers. They actively conspire to perpetuate certain economic circumstances as a way of guaranteeing themselves an endless supply of cheap labor. They pump toxic chemicals into the air and water, and directly into our bodies via crappy food. They don't give a damn about work-place conditions. In short, they're evil as fuck.

Come on Angie - before you start calling for others to be held accountable, how about owning up to the fact that you are yourself beholden to companies that have engaged in all sorts of immoral activity around the world? Well, little Miss Righteous?

(source)

Beware The Wrath Of The Tweens

Members of the Miley Cyrus fan-club are cheesed off after getting screwed out of Hannah Montana concert tickets they were led to believe would be included as part of their membership. Now all the little enraged tweens and their mindless parents are joining a class-action suit against the fan-club, which costs $30 bucks a year to join.

Sorry, but I have no sympathy for people who would shell out 30 good American dollars to engage in mindless idolatry. Here's a suggestion to the parents of these little drone-like Hannah Montana fans - how about not giving in to your little whining brats just once in their lives. Maybe then they wouldn't grow up to be a bunch of spoiled, soulless narcissistic little shits.

And to Miley Cyrus - I just had a conversation with Selena via Ouija board. She wants you to watch your back, kiddo.

(source)

First Pics From New Dina Lohan Reality Show

Dina Lohan's new E! reality show will center around her efforts to launch daughter Ali's musical career. Going by these first publicity stills from the show, Ali has been transformed into a more-wholesome little Lindsay clone. Keep in mind that Ali is all of 14.



14. That's not too young for a boob-job, is it?


You're gonna do it right this time, eh Dina? Keep her away from the clubs. The men. The blow. You know, all your favorite stuff.


Dina Lohan - world's oldest 19-year-old. This show is going to be an even bigger load of contrived bullshit than Hillary Clinton's campaign.

Michael Lohan Just Goes On Lying

Michael Lohan must really think we're chumps. A bunch of nitwits who'll swallow anything he wants to dish out. Gullible as hell. Otherwise he wouldn't dare slinging stuff like what he told People magazine when they asked him about Lindsay's community service stint at a Red Cross blood center. Michael said:

When she was younger I had her at hospitals, visiting cancer patients and sick kids. I know she wants to do stuff like this, mission work. I asked her how it was going and she said she is really enjoying it. She's happy.

Please Michael - there is no way in hell Lindsay is happy toiling away seven hours a day at a place where people come in to give blood so they can make money to blow at the track. It's killing her and you know it. But maybe you say those things to try and convince yourself. Maybe, deep down inside, you feel a glimmer of guilt at what a disaster your daughter's life has turned out to be, and are trying to assuage that guilt by fooling yourself into thinking she's actually this kindly, caring soul who's gone astray. And of course it's your job to put her back on the righteous path, right Michael?

Jesus, why can't you just die already?

(source)

Boy George Charged With False Imprisonment

The Crabbie Way-Back Machine rewinds to April. Boy George, '80s pop-icon and latter-day stroppy queen, is accused by male escort Auden Carlsen of kidnapping him and chaining him to a wall. George laughs off the accusations. People think Mr. Carlsen is making the whole thing up in a sick grab for publicity.

Well guess what folks - the accusations by Mr. Carlsen were taken seriously by the only ones who matter: the police. And now the police have decided to charge Boy George with false imprisonment, which carries a maximum sentence of life in real prison.

George, who surrendered himself to police yesterday and was bailed, will have to face magistrates next week. Without a big poop-splatter on his head. Hopefully.

(source)

Lindsay Doing Community Service

Sly Lindsay Lohan managed yesterday to unfussily begin serving the community service imposed on her by the court as part of the plea deal reached over the DUI charges she faced earlier this year.

Lindsay is putting in her time at a Red Cross blood services facility in the L.A. suburbs. She showed up yesterday at noon - early day for Linds - and left around 7 pm carrying a book called Blood.

Jesus - you don't think they're letting her take blood from people do you? Nah - with her shaky hands? No chance.

(source)

Owen Wilson Has A New Woman

Was anyone here aware that Owen Wilson had been seen going around with a mystery woman lately? I wasn't. Anyway, the mystery woman no one knew about has now been positively identified as a model named Le Call, and an inside source has confirmed that she is indeed dating Owen.

Unfortunately, being the girlfriend of a famous suicidal wreck isn't all daisies and marshmallows and trips to the ER at four in the morning. It can be stressful finding oneself the object of sudden media attention. Le Call - apparently you have to say the whole thing together - is reportedly not enjoying all the press. A source said:

Le Call is totally overwhelmed by all of this attention. She isn't used to it. So they will be leaving town tomorrow to escape – and traveling a great distance.

I wonder where Le Call will be going to get away from the press? Will Le Call end up in Paris? Will Le Call find herself in Moscow? Will Le Call jet off to Shanghai, buy some bright red lipstick and offer sucky-sucky to Belgian tourists at the airport? I don't know what Le Call will do. But I do know one thing - I'm glad Owen's not hosing Jessica Simpson.

(source)

Lindsay Wants Magic Powers

Lindsay Lohan wants to be more than just a skanky cokehead starlet. She wants to be magic. To help her achieve this dream, the crazy bitch has reportedly hired a quack "human magnet" from Romania to come to L.A. and teach her how to, I shit you not, move objects using only her mind.

The Romanian grifter now employed by Lindsay, Aurel Raileanu, was credited by the Guinness Book of World Records as being the most powerful human magnet on earth after he lifted a 50 pound television without touching it. Lohan apparently read about this and got intrigued. Lindsay said:

I've always been interested in off-the-wall abilities. And this is a really interesting phenomenon. I'd love to find out more about it and try and pinpoint what causes these supernatural abilities.

I think I can help you in pinpointing what causes the supernatural abilities Lindsay. See, there are these people called con-artists. They go around looking for gullible folks they can take money from by offering to help them learn how to, for example, move objects with their minds. The supernatural abilities exist only in the imaginations of the marks these con-artists practice their craft on. So, the cause would be the charlatan's art acting upon the silly, backward, superstitious, drug-addled brain of the victim. That clear it up?

(source)

Love Turns Up Nose At Moss's House

Walking lab experiment Courtney Love had her sights set on purchasing cokehead Kate Moss's North London home - until she had a look at the interior, which she described as "depressing" and a "mess."

Courtney's objections to the property included its magnolia and pink walls, which she thought made the place look "sterile," its scratched floors and old-looking plug sockets. Kate, keen to pawn the dump off on Courtney despite her reservations, tried sweetening the deal by throwing in a portrait of Sid Vicious she had hanging in the bathroom. Courtney didn't fall for that however, saying she "couldn't bathe with Sid hanging over her."

Courtney bathes?

(source)

Jonathan Rhys Meyers - Coke-Monkey

Just get it over with and become a jazz drummer, Jonathan. Or a day trader. Or Lindsay Lohan's new boyfriend.

Jake And Reese - Still Not Really Together

"Haven't you ever seen two people carpooling before? Two people who have absolutely no attraction to one another whatsoever and are in no way involved in any kind of sexual relationship at all? Huh?"

London Fire

An ominous black smoke plume rose over London this morning. Its source was a massive fire that broke out in a building in Stratford close to where a new stadium is being built for the 2012 Olympics. Police have ruled out terrorism and Pete Doherty as causes of the blaze.

Tommy Not Playing Nice

Princess Diana biographer Andrew Morton is set to release a book that will reportedly reveal certain deep, dark secrets about Tom Cruise's sex life and religious beliefs - and Tom is not happy about it. And we all know what happens when Tom isn't happy. The Scientology goons begin harassing people. Morton has been so thoroughly intimidated, both by Scientologists and certain random nutty fans of Cruise's, that he's been forced to pull a Salman Rushdie. That's right kids - Scientology operates pretty much the same way radical Islamic fundamentalism operates.

Morton said of his security-related exile:

I have received threats from the Scientologists and things have become pretty heavy - to the extent that it's almost more than my lawyers can handle. ... I've sold my flat and I'm not telling anyone where I'm moving to. I intend to disappear for a while.

There must be some awfully juicy stuff in that biography for Tom to get this mad. Proof that he's a homosexual maybe, and that Scientology is really just some insane cult whose purpose is to subjugate women and establish a new male-dominated order. You know, stuff we already know, but now someone's put it in a book and there are all sorts of citations so that makes it legit.

This is of course not the first time Tom has unleashed his goons on someone he was unhappy with. During some particularly intense negotiations with Paramount a couple years ago, Cruise dispatched his minions to a parking lot to confront studio head Brad Grey and pressure him into giving Tom a more favorable deal. And then there was the recent death of David Hans Schmidt, a publicist Tom was mad at for stealing his wedding photos and trying to sell them. Schmidt's demise was ruled a suicide, but I'm not sure I'm convinced.

If I were Andrew Morton I'd have someone else open my mail for awhile, and I'd definitely abstain from spending too much time alone in open spaces.

(source)

So Very Happy

Brad and Angie have been running all over doing publicity appearances for her new movie Beowulf. Yes Angie, black is slimming. You really need it. You're starting to look like a big fat cow. And Brad - could you at least try to mask your contempt for the photographer? You don't want to turn into another scowling bitch like Keira Knightley, do you?

Kate Hudson And Heath Ledger?

Kate Hudson and Heath Ledger were seen making out at the Beatrice Inn Thursday night according to Page 6's vaunted spies. A rep for Hudson denies the report however, saying:

This is absolutely untrue. They ran into each other and chatted briefly, but that was the extent of it.

Why the sudden modesty Kate? You had no problem sucking face with Dax Shepard in the middle of a supermarket, but now you're shooting down rumors that you played tonsil hockey with Heath Ledger? I should think you'd be happy to be linked with Ledger - he's certainly a step up from Dax and Dane Cook and whatever other hunks of Grade A doofus you've been rumored to be with lately.

You wouldn't be experiencing a sudden attack of remorse, would you Kate? Over the fact that poor Owen is still suffering while you're out there acting like a liquored up college freshman on her first trip to Mardi Gras? Think how out of his mind with despair Owen must be Kate - he's shacking up with Jessica Simpson for Christ's sake. If that isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is.

(source)

Harry In The Market For A New Slag

Prince Harry and fake-boobed girlfriend Chelsy Davy have called it quits after three years.

The split reportedly happened over Chelsy's impatience with Harry's playboy lifestyle. Impatience? Honey - we've been looking at pictures of Harry grabbing random chicks' boobs for years, and you suddenly got impatient? Where have you been?

Personally, I'm happy for Harry. He's a prince and deserves a much finer piece of tail than that cheap slutty Chelsy. He definitely needs to make a play for something higher class - Katie Price or perhaps Jade Goody.

(source)

Lindsay Shows Us How Okay She Is

Underwear? Dang. Lindsay's practically a nun now.

Rush Limbaugh Just Got A New Listener

Well-known regurgitator of hackneyed right-wing rhetoric Elisabeth Hasselbeck has given birth to a little future bible-thumping gay-basher.

Hasselbeck, the medieval-minded harpy who chased poor Rosie O'Donnell off The View, will reportedly reveal her new son's name by phoning in to the show on Monday. My money's on "Rush Coulter O'Reilly Satan Hasselbeck." Or perhaps Thomas.

(source)

Michael Bolton's Sperm Is Viable

Desperate Housewives hag Nicolette Sheridan has apparently become pregnant by noted musical hack Michael Bolton.

Folks first suspected there was something going on with Sheridan's womb when she began firing pregnancy-related questions at her DH co-stars. A source said:

She kept asking Felicity and Marcia about how the pregnancy would change her appearance and if it would make her hair thinner.

She's worried about pregnancy changing her appearance? She should be more concerned about what her plastic surgeon has been doing to it. Bitch is one face-lift away from being Janice Dickinson.

(source)

Update: Avril Launches Attack On Perez?

Noted humanitarian Avril Lavigne has taken matters into her own hands in her on-going war with award-winning celeb blogger Perez Hilton - by launching her own web-page and inviting people to help her "kick Perez's ass."

Avril says on her site, perezlavigne.com:

Dear User, I am Avril Lavigne and this is my personal message to get back at the scumbag above! Maybe you have already heard that Perez Hilton wrote bad things about me on his online Blog.

I mean, he thinks in his own little world that he is the best and he makes everybody look silly on his Blog. But in reality he is the biggest silly person I've ever seen! His insults have really hurt me so please help me to kick Perez in the ass with this web site now! If you want this to happen this is the place to make it happen!

Avril then invites us to vote to kick Perez's ass. Below this is a link to a list of celebrities who have allegedly visited Avril's page and voted against Perez. This list includes:

• Christian Bale
• Nicole Kidman
• Kate Beckinsale
• Naomi Watts

None of whom have anything better to do than hit up Avril Lavigne's anti-Perez Hilton site and vote to boot the fat idiot in the posterior.

I think there's about an 80% chance that this whole thing was made up by someone who is not Avril Lavigne and has no connection to Avril Lavigne. It may even have been made up by Perez who has proven himself adept at self-promotion if nothing else. Either way, it's incredibly amusing to think of these two actually hating each other this much. I haven't been so entertained since I saw two retarded fifth-graders start beating on one other in the line in front of me at Wendy's.

Update: Avril's manager denies she has anything to do with the site.

(source)

Britney Righteously Screwed

Poor Britney's gone and done it again. She ran a red light with the kiddies in the backseat and the court-appointed monitor ducking down to avoid being photographed. It's now time for the court to take the kids away, and take her driver's license away, and just be done with the bitch. Not because that would be just, necessarily, but just because I'm tired of it all.

(source)

Benicio Del Toro As Che Guevara

Now they can put Benicio's face on t-shirts and sell them to college students who wish they were revolutionaries instead of business majors having to make do with their dad's old BMW.

"I'm so counter-culture. I've got Che Guevara's picture on my t-shirt and I listen to Bob Marley every day and smoke weed and stick up my middle finger every time George Bush comes on TV. Tonight I'm going to totally throw a chair through the window of a Starbucks to proclaim my independence from the corporate power-mongers. Right after I get done with my shift at the very same Starbucks.

"Damn, this scrotum-piercing was a bad idea. Heh heh. Scrotum."

Kate Hudson Is A Dude

There are some serious gender-identity issues going on within the Kate Hudson family. Her kid Ryder probably thinks he's a girl because Kate won't cut his hair. And now...this pic of Kate, which makes the Crabster think, "Dang, that's a hot-looking man. I'd be all over that if I weren't old and fat and lazy and no longer able to get an erection without employing pharmaceuticals."

Is Marcia Cross Always, Well, Cross?

Am I the only one who thinks Marcia Cross is aptly named? I mean seriously - does the bitch ever look happy?

Then again, would you be happy if you had to go to work with Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria every day? Marcia's like, "Thank you writer's strike."

Clooney And Fabio Have A History

The somewhat bizarre confrontation between aging movie-star George Clooney and aged professional punchline Fabio in an L.A. restaurant was not the first time the pair butted heads.

Years ago, the gentlemanly Clooney got into it with Fabio in the green room of a talk show when he caught Fabio behaving boorishly toward a female production assistant, and ever since then the two have been enemies.

So the underlying sexual tension between Fabio and Clooney goes back years, huh? Veeeeery interesting.

(source)

Mills Dumped By Lawyers

The law firm representing Hopsy Heather Mills during her divorce battle with Paul McCartney has unceremoniously dumped the pathetic bitch in the wake of her ill-fated oh-woe-is-me media campaign.

The firm, Mishcon de Reya, has given no official reason for dropping Mills. No points for guessing it had something to do with her series of ranting television interviews in which, among other things, she claimed to be suicidal, and basically tried to paint Paul as a wife-beating sadistic wacko who had driven her to insanity.

Big law firms don't like backing losing propositions, and that's what Heather's case has become ever since she decided to go for pity-points on TV instead of playing it smart. Now Heather will have to find a new lawyer willing to tackle the challenge of winning on behalf of a woman who has gone so far out of her way to portray herself as a victim that basically no one believes a word that comes out of her diseased blabber-hole anymore. And Heather has the nerve to be outraged when people call her a liar? Honey, you're the Queen of Liars.

Actually, I take that back - the Queen of Liars would actually be good at lying, wouldn't she? You're more like the Pitiful One-Legged Gold-digging Mendacious Asswipe Bitch of the Year. Has a nice ring eh Stump-Mama?

(source)

Blake Busted

Amy Winehouse's own personal Pete Doherty, Blake Fielder-Civil, has been arrested on suspicion of trying to fix his upcoming battery trial.

Police yesterday used a battering ram to get inside Amy and Blake's house, where they then spent a considerable amount of time gathering evidence (and getting high off the Winehouse fumes permeating the place). Afterward, Fielder-Civil, who already stands accused of beating a man up during a pub brawl, was hauled off by cops.

Fielder-Civil and three other men are suspected of conspiring to pay off a witness in their battery case. Fuck - even O.J. thinks these guys are ham-handed idiots.

(source)

Update: Amy Winehouse Is In A Spot Of Trouble

Perez Hilton reports on his award-winning blog that cops have raided the Camden home of known druggie singer Amy Winehouse. Police entered the residence around 5 p.m. local time, and have since brought in video equipment. Perez says Amy's husband Blake Fielder-Civil left the house about an hour before the police showed up. Amy herself was seen wandering around outside after the cops came, and has apparently since been picked up by her father.

Amy's icky husband Blake has been in quite a bit of legal trouble lately, stemming from an incident where he allegedly beat up a landlord during a pub brawl. Perez's sources tell him that Blake is almost certain to go to jail over the charges arising from this assault. Don't know if we should read anything into the fact that Blake is trouble with the law, he leaves Amy's house and an hour later the coppers show up. All I know is that I wouldn't trust Mr. Blake any farther than I can throw him.

(source)

Update:


Courtesy of The Dirty Disher, a pic of cops busting into Amy's house. Without full hazmat suits? Hope they were okay.

Tom Cruise Is A Luddite

Tom Cruise claims to be a simple man who's not into gadgets and other modern-day conveniences. Says Tom:

I wear jeans, socks and a shirt - all totally normal.

I get my hair cut on set. I have no iPhone, no mobile, no email address, no watch, no jewellery, no wallet.

I simply want to be with my children and make movies. My values for my children never change - love, responsibility, curiosity at the wonder of life.

Every day is a gift. You must learn to take your life in your hands, then you can reach any goal. You make your dreams come true only if you believe in yourself.

My God, Tom's life philosophy sounds like the words to a theme song from a Disney movie. "The Circle of Bullshit." I can see it now - the tale of a plucky elf who with the help of Xenu and some lifts becomes a rich, famous dweeb with a robot wife and a daughter who talks to animals.

The humorous thing to me is when these celebs go out of their way to insist they're "normal." No one ever explains to them that if you have to constantly tell everyone how normal you are, you aren't.

And as to Tom not having an iPhone or an email address...of course he doesn't have them; alien technology has advanced far beyond such quaint things. When Tom wants to get hold of someone, he touches the little button on the inside of his wrist and sends a mind-signal using a sub-space frequency. And why would he need a wallet? The Interplanetary Bank stopped issuing hard currency thousands of years ago.

(source)

Matthew Buys A House, And Possibly A Shirt

Matthew McConaughey may at last be ready to say goodbye to his care-free bare-chested bachelor's existence and settle down.

According to In Touch Weekly, the devil-may-care Matthew is moving out of the Airstream RV he's called home for so long, and into a 3,500-square-foot Malibu pad he recently purchased for $10 million. The reason? His girlfriend Camila Alves could no longer stand being cooped up in the pot-and-man-musk-reeking trailer.

So that's it - you can say goodbye to the free-spirited bongo-bashing 10-hanging Matthew. Boy is whupped good now. His bitch made him leave behind his mobile bachelor pad and shell out 10 mil for a proper house. Of course, it's in Malibu, so you know what that means - easy beach access. The only drawback is, you know, the whole place being in imminent danger of either burning down, sliding into the ocean or being staked-out by Gummi Bear.

By the way, the house itself only cost nine million. The other one million was to have the whole place re-done to accommodate Matthew's upper-extremity issues.

(source)

So Pretty

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban look so great together, don't they? Their skin-tones are so natural and healthy-looking. And look at Nicole's amazingly smooth forehead. Keith doesn't even need a mirror when he wants to check his mascara.

Sienna Miller Engaged To Rhys Ifans?

Rhys Ifans has gone from crashing on Sienna Miller's couch to asking the slaggy actress to marry him.

Ifans, best-known for playing Hugh Grant's wacky friend in Notting Hill (and for smelling like the backseat of a cab), reportedly proposed to Miller by writing her a note in his native Welsh. The note read, "Marry this misfit." And on the back was scrawled, "Don't forget to buy deodorant. June 22, 1993."

A source told the Daily Mirror:

After telling people about Rhys' strange proposal, Sienna's been very coy about what her answer was. She's been fudging the issue with her mates and lots of people are starting to think she might have said yes.

Oh fuck Sienna - marry the guy or don't marry him. Who gives a shit? I mean, besides Jude Law, who will probably pull an Owen Wilson when he hears about this.

(source)

George Clooney And Fabio - Anything You Wanna Tell Us Boys?

What does it take to get geriatric romance novel cover-model Fabio into the news? Oh, just a little testosterone flair-up between him and George Clooney at a restaurant.

The story according to Page 6: George and his stripper girlfriend Sarah Larsen were dining the other evening at L.A.'s Madeo. Fabio and his harem happened to be eating at the next table, and when someone got up to take pictures of Fabio's girls, George for some reason assumed they were taking snaps of him and, well, snapped. Fabio then got up and told George to "stop being a diva," which only made George worse. The movie star and the whatever-the-hell-Fabio-is then got into a shoving match that ended when waiters dove in to separate them. George then reportedly paid his bill, grabbed his stripper and skedaddled.

Clooney, according to one witness, was tipsy at the time of the incident:

George looked annoyed when Fabio went to his table. George stood up, dropped the F-bomb and then went to push him . . . George was drinking . . . He wasn't drunk, but he certainly wasn't stone sober, either.

There's nothing more adorable than "manly" men getting in a "fight" is there? All that sweating and pushing and shoving and bellowing - there's nothing the least bit homoerotic about that.

Sounds to me like those two guys need to exchange phone numbers.

(source)

Kelly Osbourne's New...Um...Look

"What are you all looking at? Bugger off all you wankers, or I'll sic Keira Knightley on you."

Poor Kelly Osbourne hurt her neck and had to drop out of the final performance of Chicago. Sorry but she just looks like the most miserable Courtney Love-wannabe on the face of the earth.

"Wankers. All of you wankers. Get out of my face before I drop my knickers and urinate on you."

A Couple Old Bald Guys Hanging

"Say listen Bruce. I know she's my daughter and everything, but you know...we're buds. So if you happen to have a thing for albinos...let's just say I can put in a good word for you. Only thing is, don't get too rough with her. She bruises real easy, you know what I mean?"

Pete Doherty Sorry, Going Back To Rehab

Recidivist rocker Pete Doherty says he's sorry for taking heroin again after claiming he was clean. His record label released the following statement on his behalf:

Doherty would like to apologize to the medical staff, fans and wellwishers who have helped and encouraged his progress in fighting his addiction to heroin.

His ongoing rehabilitation was a source of such pride to him that Peter and those closest to him thought that he was close to winning his personal battle with the drug.

However, Peter sadly relapsed last week and is now looking to check himself back into a rehab clinic so that he can try to continue the hitherto excellent attempts he had made to break free of heroin.

Come on - Pete's sorry to everyone that he took heroin? He couldn't care less what anyone thinks. The thing he's sorry for is that he was dumb enough to be photographed taking the heroin, and unlucky enough for said photographs to wind up being published.

There's a reason people are skeptical when flat-out junkies like Pete say they're clean - it's because people like Pete are never clean. Even if they stop doing drugs, they're not clean. They can never start letting themselves think they're clean, cause that's when their brain says, "You can handle just a little Pete. You'll be okay." And then pretty soon they're right back where they started.

Of course Pete's not letting his little set-back stop him from continuing his music career. He'll be in rehab for a bit, then later this month it's off on a new tour. I'm sure their won't be any temptations on tour with a rock band.

(source)

Nick Hogan Finally Arrested

The Florida police have finally gotten around to arresting Nick Hogan for crashing his car in August and rendering his "friend" John Graziano more brain-dead than a Bush twin.

Hogan, the son of roided-up wrestling superstar Hulk, turned himself in to Clearwater, Florida cops this morning and was booked into the Pinellas County Jail. After a long investigation, police have decided to charge Hogan with reckless driving - tough pinning that one down I'm sure - and have also cited him for operating a vehicle with a blood alcohol level of .02 or higher while being under 21.

When asked to comment, Hulk Hogan said something unintelligible about all the little Hulkamaniacs remembering to take their vitamins, brother. Then he began foaming at the mouth and had to be tasered.

(source)

Owen Wilson - So Pretty

Born free...free as the wind...

Nice Try Paula

"Hey look guys, my friend bought me a present. Yes I have a friend. Shut up. I did not buy this for myself and wrap it up to look like a present so I could fool people into thinking I have a friend. Screw all of you!"

Somebody Has Sex With That?

Angelina's charming brother James Haven brought along a date to the premiere of Angie's new movie Beowulf. So by going around with some fugly chick James thinks he can make us forget that he's obsessed with his own sister? Sorry, but no. We all know who you really want James. And your girlfriend knows too - because you screamed out "Angelina!" while you were having sex with her.



Someone wanted to make a James Haven Halloween mask, but then they started thinking about all the lawsuits from the heart attacks and people killing themselves because of the nightmares. So they didn't.

Lohan's Man Goes Off On Dina

Lindsay Lohan's silly stoner boyfriend Riley Giles has popped off on her mom Dina on his MySpace. Central to the unpleasantness is Dina's upcoming E! reality show which will feature Lindsay's little sister Ali but apparently not Lindsay or Riley. Giles posted:

ADVICE OF THE WEEK: if your a mom, with 4 kids, the best thing u can do for them right now is have a reality show. WE. DO. NOT. WANT. she had the nerve to ask us to be on. no thanks!

Is there any doubt now that Lindsay is no longer under the influence of White (Powder) Oprah? Clearly, Giles was reflecting Lindsay's sentiments as much as his own. And it's no surprise really. I mean, even Lindsay isn't so addled that it wouldn't dawn on her how rankly Dina has exploited all the bad stuff in her life lately. Dragging Entertainment Tonight cameras along when she visited Lindsay in rehab? Who the hell does something like that?

Dina might as well forget about Lindsay supporting her reality show. Lindsay wants her own life now, away from that Gorgon and her schemes. So Dina now must turn her full attention to trying to shove poor homely little untalented Ali down our throats. This reality show, which will center around Dina's efforts to launch Ali's music career, is certain to be a truly pathetic spectacle. It will not be long, I predict, before Dina has driven Ali to become a crazed drug-addict slut just like her big sister. And then I don't know what Dina will do. Maybe run for Congress or something.

(source)

Lopez Pregnant

Against all odds, one of Marc Anthony's sickly, emaciated sperm was able to swim all the way up J-Lo's stuff and fertilize the egg she produced with help from Scientologist friend Leah Rimini. Now J-Lo is set to pop out a little bundle of quasi-Hispanic joy. The only question is: How much will J-Lo get for the baby pictures? Anything lower than $5 million would be an insult I think.

Pete Doherty Still On Drugs

Pete Doherty is going around telling everyone that he's through with drugs. Unfortunately for Pete we live in a world of cell phone cameras - and someone has used theirs to capture footage proving that Pete is still doing heroin.

The video, proudly presented by Britain's Sun tabloid, shows Pete cooking up and shooting while kneeling on a floor. Distinctive tattoos prove the identity of the somewhat blurry figure (who looks like Pete anyway). The time-frame is established by the shirt Pete has on - the same shirt he was photographed wearing when arriving back at Heathrow airport from last week's MTV Europe Awards. A "source close to Pete" further rats him out:

It’s not the first time he’s injected since he was supposed to have gone clean.

He may have got clean through rehab, but as soon as the temptation is put in front of him, he cannot help himself. It’s so sad to see. He’s been given so many chances and so many fresh starts and he just throws them all away.

It’s not fair on those who have tried to help. It makes a mockery of the legal system.

Anyone else would have been sent to jail by now.

Actually, anyone else would be dead by now - but not Pete, who could probably shoot pure plutonium into his arm and not even feel sick.

It would be easy to jump on the "Pete Doherty is a danger to himself and should be locked up" bandwagon right now, but I'm not going to. People like Pete, who clearly hate themselves and can't deal with the day-to-day realities of life, should just be allowed to kill themselves in peace if they want to. Instead of scolding junkies endlessly, we should give them nice, clean, safe places to go, and provide them all the drugs they want, and then box them up when they die and bury them and be done with them. Save our compassion for the cancer babies and dogs given away as gifts by Ellen Degeneres.

(source)

Jolie's Festering Resentment Of Aniston

Angelina Jolie resents Jennifer Aniston. That came out rather glaringly when Angelina was asked a question about the competing magazine covers W magazine recently put out - one featuring Jen, one featuring Angie. Angelina fired at the reporter:

Why would I comment on that? That matters because...?

Because...Jennifer's cover out-sold yours? Because...people seem to like her a lot more than they like you? Because...people think Brad Pitt would be better off with Jennifer than with you? Because...you're a soul-sucking narcissist whose complexes are so tangled and twisted that if Freud himself came back to life to treat you he would quickly give up analysis entirely and take up botany?

Angie dear...you can try to hide your resentment of Jennifer all you want, but we know the truth. You hate her. If you ever got your revolting, veiny hands on her, you would strangle the life right out of her. Then you would chop up her body and cook it in some chili and feed it to Brad, smiling knowingly all the while.

And Jennifer...don't fool yourself; you're not any better. You'd kill Angie just as fast as she'd kill you. Maybe faster. Because, let's face it, your reasons for resenting her are much worse than hers for resenting you. She has Brad after all. And that's what this is really all about - her jealousy toward you every time Brad shows any lingering affection for you, and your crippling jealousy over the thought of her and Brad making hot sex while you sit home watching Doris Day movies and sucking down gallons of Blue Bunny.

Oh wait - that's me watching the Doris Day movies and sucking down gallons of Blue Bunny. And funny but the Doris Day movies always have Rock Hudson in them.

Oh farts...both you bitches suck.

(source)

Nancy Grace Pumps Out Her Demon Spawn

Nancy Grace, one half of the nightly CNNHN tag-team of vileness that is Beck and Grace, has shat twins out of her Satanic womb. The babies' names are Lucy Elizabeth and John David, and they will one day rule the universe at the side of their father, Lucifer.

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Which One Is The Puppet?

Too easy.

(It's Lauren Conrad from The Hills, for those who don't know. Which would be most of you.)

What The Hell Is She On?

"Look at those flashy things Nick. What the hell are those things? How come all those things are flying around Nick? You know what Nick? I don't think I should've taken those blue things the Mexican guy gave me. Holy shit duck!"

Posh Too Frail For Spice Girls Tour

Victoria Beckham has been told she needs to put on weight before going out on tour with the Spice Girls.

No, it's not that the other girls are jealous of her insanely slim frame - it's that tour organizers fear Poshy won't have sufficient stamina to last out the whole affair. Oh, who am I kidding - it's because the other girls are jealous. Especially that cow Mel B. And what's-her-face, the blonde one.

So now Poshy has to eat five meals a day, mostly spinach. What the fuck is that, the Popeye diet? "I pose to the finish, cause I eats me spinach, I'm Poshy the slag-gy bitch."

Seriously, how much stamina is Posh going to need anyway? Does prancing up and down a stage while fake-singing really take that much out of a person? Maybe it does if you weigh 65 pounds and your daily caloric intake is actually in the negative numbers. Posh is like, "Okay, I'll have the second pretzel, but scrape the little gobs of salt off first. I'm feeling fat."

This whole Spice Girls tour is just destined to be a disaster. I can't wait.

(source)

Heather Has Gone Britney

Heather Mills's big cry me a river media campaign of last week has raised alarm bells for Paul McCartney, who's now convinced that Heather has lost her mind, and plans on seeking full custody of their daughter Beatrice.

Against the advice of her handlers, Heather spent all of last week going on talk shows and making outrageous claims. Among other things, Heather said that she has grown suicidal over media pressure, and claimed there's some kind of conspiracy to destroy her life. And then she went farther, saying she has tapes that prove Paul used to beat Linda, and that Paul berated her over her disability.

Heather's apparent intent with all this was to turn the public over to her side and against McCartney. Unfortunately, she may have damaged her custody case in the process.

Then again, there's also the possibility that Heather wanted to damage her custody case. That, like Britney Spears, she is terribly conflicted about the responsibilities imposed on her by motherhood, and has begun subconsciously undermining her own cause.

In future, I think we should refer to a mother who tries to get rid of her own kids by acting crazy and having the courts take them away as "pulling a Britney." I think Heather is probably pulling a Britney. Or, maybe the bitch is just so insane and delusional that she's even beyond subconscious calculation, and is simply ranting and raving like someone who belongs locked up on the deepest, most secure level of the looniest of the loony bins.

Either way, I don't feel sorry for her. People who play the victim card the way Heather does don't deserve sympathy. They deserve instead to be pelted with fruit.

(source)

Snoop Shocked By Winehouse Display

What does it take to shock Snoop Dogg out of his perpetual marijuana-induced state of supreme mellowness? How about the sight of looney tunes songstress Amy Winehouse going apeshit on a hotel room with a plate of spaghetti bolognese.

Snoop was in Munich for the MTV Europe Awards (Germany being one of the few countries he's still allowed to enter legally) when he decided he would like to meet Winehouse. So the rapper was taken up to Amy's hotel room - but Amy was in no mood to meet anyone, not even the ever-amiable Snoop. A source reports:

When we got there, she was in a bad way. Everyone, including her management, just stood there as she threw spaghetti on the walls.

She then started kicking the walls and throwing whatever she could get her hands on - even the tables and chairs. Then she started cutting up the rug. Snoop was just standing there open-mouthed, he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Amy's people reportedly have "no idea" what set the singer off. It could've been that one green M&M they allowed to get into her bowl, or maybe the fact that her pillows weren't buckwheat, or maybe that the room had dipped below the 71.2 degrees Amy requires it be maintained at. Or, maybe someone told Amy Snoop was coming up to see her and she wanted to impress him.

Apparently it worked. Snoop has pimped out seen some crazy bitches in his life - I mean some crazy bitches - but he never saw anything like crazy-ass Amy Winehouse. He had to roll himself an extra super-duper-sized doobie to chill himself back out after that shit.

(source)

Katie Runs New York City Marathon

Katie Holmes fulfilled a life-long dream today by running in the New York City Marathon. Participating in the marathon only became Katie's life-long dream a couple weeks ago when Tom Cruise told her he wanted her to do it, but that's beside the point...

Katie, who is obviously not pregnant as rumored (unless there are two Katies, one for knocking up and one for parading in front of cameras like a show-dog), finished the marathon in 5 hours and 29 minutes. She would've run it much faster, but someone told her Tom was waiting for her at the finish line...

Katie plans on following up today's athletic feat by climbing Mount Everest. She will then top that by flying solo across the Atlantic without a plane. And then she will perform the greatest trick of all - mustering an expression of sincere happiness in the presence of her sawed-off martinet of a husband.

(source)

Shia LaBeouf Is A Drunken Troublemaker

Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested this morning outside a Chicago Walgreens, apparently intoxicated.

The Transformers star reportedly had some kind of altercation with a security guard that ended with the guard calling police and LaBeouf being hauled in. The cops say Shia was "courteous and polite" after being detained. He was charged with misdemeanor trespass and will have to return to Chicago for a court appearance on November 28.

Poor little Shia - he must've been feeling neglected. No one's written a damn thing about him since he was allegedly screwing Rihanna. So he figured, "Hey, I know, I'll get drunk and behave rudely toward a Walgreens security guard."

Yup - you seem real cool now, Shia.

(source)

Pixie Geldof - So Very Wasted

Pixie Geldof apparently wants to be the new Kelly Osbourne. We all need dreams I guess.

Britney Sold Out By Mom?

The National Enquirer has a story out claiming that Britney Spears's mother Lynne contributed damning testimony against the fading pop princess in last week's custody hearing - the one that featured Britney, her mind apparently lost, shouting "Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it" at a reporter who was annoying her. The Enquirer's source reported:

Britney’s mom Lynne said [in a sworn statement read to the court] that Britney wants to be a good mom, but she doesn’t have the tools to do so.

The source also claims that Britney's dad Jamie, whom she's always hated, called Britney "sick" and said she "needs to get help" before she can be a good mother. And then Kevin Federline got into the act. The source says:

Kevin testified that during her pregnancy Britney drank and smoked cigarettes. ... He claimed Britney never bonded with the boys. She’d sleep all day and wouldn’t even get up to nurse Sean. Kevin testified that he feels Britney is incapable of being a good parent due to a drug and alcohol problem.

And then Jesus was called to testify. He said Britney was a harlot who needed to be spanked, and offered to do it himself. But the court dismissed him since he wasn't really Jesus but just a crazy guy pretending to be Jesus. Then a janitor was called, and he said Britney just smelled bad, even worse than most of the things he normally encounters as a janitor. At this point Britney started drawing imaginary shapes in the air with her finger and singing the "'G' Grover, 'G' George" song from Sesame Street. Poor kid.

(source)

Britney In Trouble For Running Over Cop

Britney Spears is once again being investigated by the LAPD, this time for allegedly running over a deputy's foot while trying to navigate a hoard of paps outside the courthouse where her custody hearing had just taken place.

This is at least the second foot Britney has run over in recent weeks, the first belonging to a paparazzo who was able to place the sock he was wearing at the time of the incident on eBay and make a bunch of money. No word yet on the severity of the latest victim's injury, or whether she has plans to exploit her misfortune for financial gain, publicity or anything else that strikes her fancy.

TMZ says Britney could face hit-and-run charges over the latest incident. This on top of the charges she already faces after running into a woman's car earlier this summer. Really, what is there left to say? This woman's life is total chaos.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Turns Into Bob Dylan

Amy Winehouse attempts to perform one of her songs at the MTV Europe Awards in Munich. Did she forget the words and just decide to mumble through the thing figuring no one would be able to tell? Not surprisingly, Amy had to be helped from the stage after this debacle by a couple of her background dancers. She's worse than Britney on her worst day!

Thankfully, Amy still has people willing to stick up for her - like Pete Doherty, who said the following of Amy's state:

She's fine. It's all bollocks. People should leave her alone.

I went for a drink with her earlier today and she's totally fine. Perfectly healthy and happy.

People are saying she's out of control, but she's not. She's a sensible girl and she knows what she's doing. She ain't doing nothing wrong.

She's a sensible girl Pete? Then why the fuck is she having drinks with you? And how the hell are you any judge of what kind of health a person is in? Compared to you, people on the verge of expiring from Ebola look positively chipper.

Amy herself has offered an explanation for why she appeared so out-of-it at the awards. She said:

I can't really be bothered going to perform but my family love these kinds of awards shows and watching me, so I'm doing it for them really.

I'm knackered after my own gigs in Europe and was back in London chilling out when I got the call asking me to MTV.

My family are so important to me that I agreed to do it for them.

I'm sure your family enjoyed watching you stand up there not giving a damn, Amy. Jeesh - if that's what you're going to show up and do, just don't show up. I'm sure your oh-so-loving family would understand.

(source)(source)

Nicole Richie Is Trying To Kill Her Unborn Child

Nicole Richie is not doing a very good job of being pregnant. In fact, given some of the activities she's been engaging in, it's possible she may be trying to out-and-out kill the poor little unborn pooper.

Sources say Nicole has smoked, sunbathed, dyed her hair and lounged in a jacuzzi during her pregnancy - all things doctors tell expectant mothers not to do (unless they want a nicotine-addicted, baked, chemically-mutated child). A Richie pal told the Star:

Nicole could be doing real damage to the child, without even knowing it. ... She’s being very careless. She just doesn’t want to be pregnant anymore. She’s tired of it. The thrill has definitely worn off. [She] feels like she’s been pregnant for years, not months!

Nicole has also reportedly not been eating right (shocker). Said the friend:

She had body image issues before she was pregnant. She’s tired of her body growing , and she to be done with it all. ... She figures she’s doing the best she can, and if that isn’t good enough for other people, well, that’s just tough.

Considering that Nicole only got pregnant because she misguidedly thought it would help her avoid jailtime, it shouldn't be any big surprise to anyone that she's not taking the whole thing seriously now. I mean, what did we ever figure the odds were of this kid being born healthy anyway? It would be a miracle if this kid came out as anything other than a poor quaking little crackbaby. Such a shame.

(source)

Britney's Craziness Caused By Loss Of Child?

Certain alleged "former friends" of Britney Spears are claiming the downward-spiraling ex-pop-darling was launched on her current descending career and life trajectory by an early 2007 pregnancy that ended with the loss of the child.

Spears, according to these sources, discovered the pregnancy in January. She believed Kevin Federline to be the father, but when she tried convincing him of this he spurned her. The source told the National Enquirer:

Kevin knew Britney was with other men and at the same time having sex with him to try to win him back. He told Britney that he couldn't forgive her.

This sent Britney into an emotional tailspin, which was made worse when she lost the baby. It was at this point that her family stepped in, forcing her into Promises rehab, which as we know didn't really help much.

It is not known for certain who was responsible for getting Britney pregnant, but skeezy Mario Lopez, who apparently had a relationship with Britney around the right time, has taken the step of officially ruling himself out. Which only leaves a few thousand more men to eliminate as possible suspects.

(source)

Katie Holmes Preggo Rumors

Katie Holmes is once again rumored to be carrying one of Tom Cruise's pods within her womb.

The latest round of whispering was touched off when Katie appeared at the L.A. premiere of Tom's new movie Lions for Lambs looking slightly larger in the midriff area than normal. Plus Tom supposedly whispered to Katie a couple of times and she smiled at him - a dead give-away that Tom has ordered a new pod implanted in Katie by his special pod-implanter Chris Klein.

So little Suri may soon have a brother or sister or whatever other creepy alien-sex Tom is capable of creating. Suri will quickly bond with her sibling no doubt, and the two will begin communicating in a new language they've invented. By the time they've reached grade school they will have discovered a means by which unlimited energy can be created simply by staring really hard at a cantaloupe. And then, their plan for world domination will at last be set into motion.

(source)

Tom Cruise - Crazy And Clueless

Tom Cruise really loves his wife Katie Holmes. Loves the bitch to a nauseating degree in fact. Loves her so much that this love has blinded him to the fact that she's an almost completely talentless nitwit.

Here's what the clueless couch-jumping Scientology Jesus said about his vacant-eyed drone-wife:

I feel so lucky. I have so much respect for [Katie] as an artist, and as a great woman. She is a very strong and gracious woman. And Katie is very funny - a really great comedian.

My married life is all very good, all very lovely.

That Tom's quite the wordsmith isn't he? Had he gone on any longer I'm sure he would've referred to Katie as a "neat girl" or perhaps even a "swell gal."

Here's the problem with Tom and Katie - they're boring. If it weren't for Tom's loopy beliefs there would be almost nothing to say about him. And Katie - she is only interesting because she's married to Tom. If she were still just the chick from Dawson's Creek - well, she'd be the chick from Dawson's Creek.

(source)

Kate Beckinsale Dresses Her Daughter Like A Whore

No, that is not Kate Beckinsale's midget friend all dressed up like an 1800s dance-hall girl - it's her 8-year-old daughter Lily. You tell me if you think that's any way to be dressing a pre-teen. The whorish make-up is at least a tad disturbing if you ask the Crabster.

And to Kate...a she-devil? Really? Eh...

Britney Dresses Up As Herself For Halloween

Britney dressed up as a total skank for Halloween, then had Cousin Alli and her posse dress as paps. That clever Britney with her oh-so-ironic sense of humor.

Might've been funny if Alli had dressed up as Britney and Britney had dressed as a pap, but I guess Alli didn't feel comfortable putting on that kind of outfit and letting the world see what a fat cow she is. Plus then Britney would've had to wear normal clothes that didn't show off her Frito gut and oak tree thighs.

I don't even want to know what's supposed to be happening in that second picture. Ugh...let's just move on...

Paris Hilton's Stupidity Knows No Bounds

Yes, she just said she wore the outfit for the troops "because they're having a hard time right now." Awesome! Almost as great as Avril Lavigne saying she cleaned all the old crap out of her closets and sent it to Katrina.

Would someone please just rip out these bimbos' voice-boxes?

Oh, and just in case you weren't offended enough by the idea of Paris "supporting the troops" by dressing up as a "sexy" soldier, have a gander at her face:



Is she supposed to look like a zombie? A zombie soldier? In other words, a dead soldier. Oh yeah - classy move Paris.

Posh On Ellen

You know - Posh on Ellen's show. Not Posh on Ellen. God that would be disgusting. Almost as disgusting as Posh by herself.

Denise Has Fun With The Kiddies

"Um, mommy - we know it's not daddy. Please stop saying every filthy animal we see is daddy. And please buy me some clothes to put on my dolly. People are going to think we're poor."

Gayest...Killer...Ever

It's not Jason from Friday the 13th, it's Lance Bass! Oh, you had us so fooled there for a second Lance. We actually thought you were a masked killer who rose from the depths of Crystal Lake to terrorize unsuspecting horny teenagers.

Actually, Lance enjoys terrorizing unsuspecting horny teenagers - by offering them butt-sex. "Butt-sex! Butt-sex here! Rapidly-aging former boy-bander looking for butt-sex!"

Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen - The Rumor That Won't Die No Matter How Much We Want It To

Was hoping this one would just go away but it won't. So I guess I have to blog it. Lance Armstrong having sex with Ashley Olsen...

Hold on a sec while I pour this whole bucket of Lemon Pledge on my imagination. Okay that's better.

Actually, it's not better - the dirtiness just comes right back. But I'll try to get through it...

Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are, God help me, an item. According to Page 6 the two were all over each other the other night at the Gramercy Park Hotel's Rose Bar, and Tuesday night they had a romantic dinner at the Waverly Inn.

What the hell is a "romantic" dinner with Ashley Olsen anyway? The man sits there making goo-goo eyes while she figures out the best way to slice her single pea? Afterward you go for a nice walk and she jumps you behind a bush and bites your neck?

Oh right - it's Mary-Kate who's the vampire. Ashley is only creepy in a regular way. Well that's good for Lance - for a second there I feared he'd passed over into the realm of the undead (where his testicle has been for some time).

Now excuse me while I go get a scouring pad and try to scrub out these horrible, horrible thoughts.

(source)

That's Okay Owen, We Believe You

Owen Wilson is so concerned people will think he's doing drugs in bathroom stalls that he's taken to leaving them open when he goes in to do his business.

A spy for Page 6 made note of this revealing new strategy of Owen's at a recent L.A. Museum of Contemporary Art event, saying:

He was with a girl with blond highlights, and he went to the bathroom and peed with the door open.

Wow, she had blond highlights? Oh - and he peed with the door open. So people would see he wasn't doing drugs. Good idea.

He's totally doing drugs.

(source)

Bar Refuses To Serve Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan's life has certainly changed since rehab. Before she was a party-animal par excellence, now she's getting refused liquor at drinking establishments.

Lindsay got a harsh lesson in what her new reality is all about when she paid a recent visit to one of her old haunts, the Viceroy hotel. Lindsay was hanging out with some friends, who were partaking of spirits, when the old itch started itching. A source told Life & Style magazine:

She was fine at first, but it was obviously too soon for her to be around people who were drinking, because she later asked the server for a vodka. But her people had called ahead and servers were told not to give in no matter how often Lindsay asked for alcohol.

How's this for irony: When Lindsay was underage people would give her all the booze she wanted, but now she's 21 and can't get served.

Obviously, someone out there is serious about keeping Lindsay on the straight-and-narrow. It's all an exercise in futility though if you ask me. If Lindsay wants booze, she's going to get booze. If she wants coke she's gonna get coke. If she wants anonymous lesbian sex she's gonna get anonymous lesbian sex. All she has to do is shake the tail Michael has had put on her and it's party-time.

(source)

Ghetto Hef

Ice-T went to the Roberto Cavalli Vodka Halloween party dressed as some kind of wacky ghetto Hugh Hefner. At least I think that's who he's supposed to be. By the hair, it's possible he could be going for ghetto Rip Taylor instead.


He's dusting Coco's ass? That thing doesn't get left alone long enough to get dusty. Somebody's always stroking it - usually Coco.



I also rather enjoyed this pic of Roberto Cavalli dressed up as Karl Lagerfeld. And Eve dressed as, um, a chick at a party.

(Thanks Natasha.)