Breaking News: Britney's A Bad Mom

The parenting coach assigned to Britney Spears confirmed in court what we pretty much already knew - that Britney ain't exactly a candidate for Mom of the Century.

The monitor, one Lisa Hacker, submitted to Commissioner Gordon a report which asserted, among other things, that Britney is not "child-centered" in her interactions with SP and JJ. Said Hacker's report:

During three of my visits, Ms. Spears rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play. ... It seems that her choices are dependant more upon what she wants to do at any given time, rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.

Not to disparage Ms. Hacker who I'm sure is good at what she does, but duh.

We already know that Britney does whatever Britney feels like doing and couldn't care less what might be fun for the kiddies. This is demonstrated every time Britney drags them out shopping with her, or takes them when she's going to the rehearsal studio. In Britney's self-centered, childish little mind, whatever's fun for her must be fun for everyone else. She's simply incapable of grasping the concept that parenting is about giving up what you want for the sake of the babies.

Hacker did concede that Britney seemed to improve in the fourth session - so perhaps Britney's capable of at least temporarily assimilating new information and adjusting her behavior accordingly. However, the report was damning enough that Commissioner Gordon saw fit not to give Britney back 50/50 custody.

So, the Britney custody drama goes on. Where's my cyanide?

(source)

Orlando Bloom Walks His Dog

"I said to him when we were leaving, 'Orlando, my master. You're not honestly going to wear the "Unstoppable" t-shirt? You do know it makes you look like a total retard.' But he said it's his favorite shirt and he has to wear it. And then we looked all around for his helmet but we couldn't find it. It worry sometimes, I really do...

Ooh, ooh. Fire hydrant at four o'clock!"

The Softer Side Of Russell?

"I swear to Jesus, if you don't get out of my face I will pick up this stroller with my child inside it and hurl it at you, and my child will leap out at the last second and attach himself to your face and bite your face until your face resembles the inner-lining of my reamed-out asshole! Do you understand what horror is about to befall you, you son of a double-cunted, constipated yak?!"

Kate Gives Up Money For Pete

Kate Moss has decided not to put a claim on royalties owed her from her "musical collaborations" with ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty, allowing the cash-strapped Pete to have all the money for himself. Said a friend of slaggy Moss:

Kate wants Pete to have the royalties. She was happy to have the writing credits on the album but it's not about the money for her. ... The music is Pete's thing. There is still a huge place in her heart for him and she is happy to see him doing better. She doesn't want to take money off him.

Does that not just restore your faith in humanity? I mean seriously - what a lovely gesture by Kate. Letting Pete have all the money because she knows how broke he is. And now Pete will be able to buy all the little miniature kitten-crackpipes he wants, and give crack to his kittens, and buy pot to give to penguins, and do all the other fun stuff he loves to do. I don't know about you, but my freaking heart is glowing right now.

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Don't Tease Us Heather

Dog-murderer Heather Mills claimed today on British television that negative media attention has driven her to contemplate taking her own life. Said a tearful Heather:

Everything they write is complete rubbish. They've called me a "whore," a "gold-digger," a "fantasist," a "liar" and the most unbelievably hurtful things. ... I've been so close to suicide.

You forgot a few Heather. Like, "ass-faced, one-legged Gorgon" and "kitten-smothering baby-eater."

Heather went on to claim that she receives death threats (which I don't doubt), and that fear over her daughter's safety has also caused her to consider drastic action:

A certain part of the tabloid media created such a hate campaign against me, that they put my life and my daughter's life at risk. That's why I considered killing myself because I thought, if I'm dead, she's safe and she can be with her father. And that's the truth. I'm sick of it.

See that Heather? It's a new river that's just been created from my tears.

Face it Heather - you've spent your entire life trying to get close to people who could help you get what you wanted. That's why you fucked all those rich Arab dudes back in the day, and that's why you married Paul McCartney. Your entire sickening life has been geared toward becoming rich and famous and having people think you were important - and now you've achieved that, but you don't want the "negative" attention?

All your life people have been holding you down, right Heather? And they're doing it again aren't they Heather? And all you ever wanted was a nice quiet life with your true love Paul - but that went to shit too because even Paul victimized you. Everyone victimizes you. The whole human race does nothing but spend its time thinking of ways it can fuck with your shit. "Hey, I've got an idea - let's wait for that Mills chick to go walking by, then have some cop on a motorcycle run her leg over so they'll have to lop it off!" Oh, what a laugh we all had when we came up with that one. And when we all conspired to make up that story about you killing the lady's dog with your fireworks display - we were practically rolling on the floor in hysterics.

Yes Heather, it's a conspiracy - everyone is out to get you. People in the press, and all the nasty fly-fart blogs like this one, and random strangers you meet on the street - we're all in on it. So, I'd say you might just as well kill yourself. Cause the bullying is never gonna stop Hopsy - not as long as you continue amusing us.

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O'Donnell Harassed By O'Reilly Producer

Bill O'Reilly wants Rosie O'Donnell to come on his show so he can call her a big fat terrorist-loving cow. Rosie refuses to do so, because even someone as dumb as her is smart enough to know O'Reilly has no intention of letting her give her side, and only wants to beat on her so he can look like a hero in the eyes of his cross-burning redneck fans.

Rosie was trying to sign books when one of O'Reilly's producers, armed with a camera, confronted her about her unwillingness to submit to O'Reilly's treatment. Rosie was very polite in the way she got rid of the interlopers, who kept trying to make her angry by bringing up some unfortunate comments she may once have made about 9/11 being an "inside job."

Of course O'Reilly played his producer's tape on his heinous show. And Rosie posted the above video on her website, which features Rosie interacting with a crippled kid at the end - just so we'll know who's the good guy and who's the bad guy.

I would have no idea who to root for if O'Reilly and O'Donnell squared off. The best we could hope for would be if Rosie cinched O'Reilly's head between her giant lesbo thighs and popped it off, then somehow choked to death on all the blood spurting into her big fat useless mouth.

Britney Thinks She's Madonna - And The Year Is 1988

Britney Spears is trying to whip up trouble by putting out these pictures of herself posing provocatively with a dude dressed up like a Catholic priest. Yup, that's how desperate Britney and her people have become - they're attempting to channel Madonna circa 1988.

Unfortunately, there will probably be at least a small controversy over these rather tame pictures. I'm certain the Vatican itself will have nothing to say about them - they've got their hands full trying to cover their own pedo asses - but you know some dopey moralist group or an idiot TV host like Bill O'Reilly or that vile puke Glenn Beck will seize on the thing as an opportunity to trumpet their belief that society is going down the drain and it's all the fault of harlots like Britney who should be burned at the stake (when we know the real culprits are the moralizing hypocrites like O'Reilly and Beck who spew their intolerance and hatred over the airwaves thereby contributing to the degradation of the American soul in a way far more profound than Britney's silly attempts at naughtiness could ever hope to do).

The really sad thing is that you know Britney thinks she's being all daring and subversive - just like she thinks her sarcasm makes her above everyone. But these are all just signs of an insecure, pitiful little person who's so out-of-touch with reality she even makes Michael Jackson look sane.

Matt Damon - Old And Grizzled And Sorta Creepy

Matt Damon gets a beer at a Bruce Springsteen concert. That must be really entertaining - watching Bruce hobble out on his walker and mumble "Born to Run." Bet Matt gets all aroused watching it. He wants to stick it to Bruce so bad. Right now Matt looks almost as old as Bruce. But he's still not nearly as big a douche.

Wonder What He Does With His Lightsaber...

Yup - it's Paris Hilton dressed up as Alice in Skankerland and Larry Birkhead as Darth (Anal In)Vader. It's a toss-up as to which of them seems more feminine. Leave it to Birkhead to make a toy lightsaber seem like the gayest thing since Charles Nelson Reilly's cravat.

Heather Mills - Dog Murderer

Alleged animal lover Heather Mills is being accused of killing a neighbor's dog with fireworks.

Now we have an image in our heads of Heather going around ramming big-ass firecrackers up dogs' buttholes and giggling as their asses explode - but that's not exactly how this went down. According to Heather's East Sussex neighbor Sandra Rowbury, what happened was that Heather had a fireworks display at her mansion, which drove Sandra's Weimaraner bitch Glow so crazy with fear that her gut bloated and she died. The display is also said to have terrified Rowbury's 15 horses.

Said Glow's grieving mistress:

As far as I'm concerned she has hurt my animals. I am distraught Glow died.

It was a huge display - the size of a town's celebrations. Everyone else lets people know if they are planning fireworks, so they can move their animals or give them sedatives.

She calls herself an animal lover, but she showed no respect for the animals around here.

A friend of Heather's has rushed to her defense however, saying:

Heather and her sister Fiona both had their dogs at the display and neither was affected.

If this dog has died, Heather will be absolutely devastated. She is a great animal lover. She'd want to apologise to this lady if the fireworks caused her animals any distress.

Distress? The poor thing's gut blew up like Gummi Bear at a buffet and it died - I'd say that was more than just "distress."

See, here's the thing about Heather Mills - the bitch is just evil. It doesn't even matter if she intends doing harm, her actions just naturally wind up causing harm. I'm certain that, when Heather finds out a dog died because of her thoughtlessness, some little part of her withered-up heart will feel a slight pang of sorrow at it - and then her natural instincts for denying any and all responsibility for her actions will kick in and she'll insist it couldn't have been her fault. By the time Heather's done, she'll have convinced herself that the dog's owner was actually responsible for killing her, and was only using the fireworks display story as a cover for her sick, Vick-like actions.

The sad thing in all this is that the fireworks were actually part of Heather's daughter Beatrice's birthday party. I hope to heck no one ever tells Beatrice about the dead dog or else she'll be wracked with guilt. Then again, being the child of Heather Mills, Beatrice may in fact be incapable of experiencing actual guilt. She may in fact be a budding little evil monster like her fiendish peg-legged demon of a mother.

(Yes, that's the real Glow in the picture.)

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Does Angelina Have Another Blob In The Oven?

There's another rumor circulating that Angelina Jolie is knocked-up. This one got started after Angie cancelled a planned lecture in Italy and it was reported in local papers that pregnancy was the cause. Then there was this statement from a spokesperson for the Pio Manzu Centre, the place that was hosting the cancelled lecture:

Angelina cancelled last week. Due to her privacy I can't confirm her pregnancy, but I can say that the Italian newspapers are correct in their reports.

They're correct in their reports? Which reports? The ones saying she cancelled the trip or the ones saying she did it cause she's preggers?

I would tend to believe that Angie is indeed pregnant. Cause it would take something that significant to force this self-important bitch into giving up the chance to stand in front of a bunch of adoring people and pontificate. Cause you know that's what she lives for - not helping the downtrodden but talking about how much she loves helping the downtrodden. She doesn't do drugs anymore, so being better than everyone else is her drug.

And now she's knocked-up again. How horrible for her, being infested with yet another blob that will just come out all privileged and unworthy. What she should really do is drop the new baby out in the woods someplace and make it find its own way home. You know, teach it what hardship is about. Then she won't have to be so ashamed of it.

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Rumer Willis Is Also Stupid

Rumer Willis may be young, be she already grasps the full importance of being famous. Said Rumer:

Being famous isn't going to parties ... it's about being able to use the power that we all have to kind of give back.

Yes Rumer - the famous need to use their power to give back to the little people who put them where they are. Because if they don't, then what are they? A bunch of useless assholes everyone makes a big deal out of for no particular reason.

Rumer says that, despite her youth, she's ready to take on the great responsibility of fame:

It's a 24-hour job. It doesn't matter if you are going out to a restaurant – you have to be aware of what you are doing and how you look and how you are presenting yourself, because most of the time people never get to know you.

I'm not exactly sure what that meant, but I'm certain it was profound. It would have to be, coming from such an enlightened creature as Rumer - someone who thinks that because people enjoy making fun of her ugliness she is now a celebrity.

It's not going to be pretty when Rumer finally realizes...nah, she'll never realize. And by that time she'll have had it all fixed anyway.

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Britney Close To Losing It

The good news: Britney is letting Cousin Alli drive now.

The bad news: Nutty shit happens no matter who's driving.

Owen Wilson Still Looks Like He's Not Happy

Owen Wilson avoids eye-contact with the paps while leaving Mr. Chow. He's supposed to be all better, but I don't know - I think I'd keep him using plastic butter knives for awhile longer.

Kate Moss Insanely Jealous Of Sienna Miller

Cokehead Kate Moss has told her scruffy buddy Rhys Ifans to beware of having his heart broken by girlfriend Sienna Miller, who Kate seems to think is some kind of heartless man-eating skank. A friend of Sienna's told a British tab:

Kate isn't happy. Rhys was her main male friend in her close-knit group. She isn't keen on Sienna. There is definite tension between them.

Sienna was fuming after Kate gave Rhys a talking to when she heard the relationship was getting serious. Kate doesn't think it will last and doesn't want Rhys getting hurt.

Not hard to figure out what's going on here. Sienna's the new It-girl, the one everyone talks about, and Kate is jealous because that used to be her before years of living with Pete Doherty left her a total rodent-faced wreck. Kate must just gnash her teeth at the thought of how much attention Sienna gets. And Sienna plucking Rhys from Kate's little circle was the icing on the big green rancid cake of jealousy.

If I were Sienna, I'd be careful of Kate. I don't think that chick has even the first shred of a moral lurking anywhere in her disgusting anorexic body. If she's pushed far enough, I could easily see her killing Sienna. Or, I could possibly see Pete Doherty killing Sienna as a means of winning back Kate's heart. Either way, Sienna's probably going to end up dead. And Rhys Ifans is going to have to find a new couch to crash on.

(source)

Avril's Stupid Costume

This is how Avril Lavigne dresses up for Halloween. Vroom, vroom, right Av?

Hey, nice boots. What, did you steal them off a Mexican wrestler? Should've stolen the mask too - then we wouldn't have to look at that fugly-ass face of yours.

Oprah Puts On Show Of Being Sorry

Oprah Winfrey is doing damage-control in the wake of allegations of physical abuse at her South African school for underprivileged kids.

The media mogul put her busy life of pretending not to hate white people on hold to fly to the school and meet personally with concerned families, telling them:

I've disappointed you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

"Ha - grovel some more bitch!" That's what I would've said if I were there. Cause really, how often to you get the chance to make the most powerful woman on earth get down on her knees and beg forgiveness? I would've made her kiss my ring - a ring I bought specially for the occasion then dipped in a toilet full of my own poo. Oprah wouldn't even have known she was kissing a poo-tainted ring, but I would've. She would've looked up at me all wondering what the fuck I was giggling about, and I would've been like, "Sucker."

(source)

This Is What Paris Sees When She Looks In The Mirror That Shows You Your Soul

Paris dressed up as a creepy Alice in Wonderland for Halloween. The other 364 days of the year, she dresses up as something a thousand times more disturbing - Paris Hilton.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Not Anorexic. Just Old And A Bit Dense.

Oscar-winning actress Catherine Zeta-Jones is denying rumors that her new slimmer figure is the result of anorexia.

People says Zeta was originally informed of the scuttlebutt by her decrepit old fool of a husband Michael Douglas, and that the whole thing just amused her. Zeta tells People:

Michael was laughing at me. He told me what [people had] said – that stories say I'm anorexic. Do I look anorexic? How could I ever, ever be anorexic?

I don't know Zeta dear - how do people normally become anorexic? They stare at too many pictures of Kate Moss and start thinking they're fat. We don't have to worry about you ever staring at too many pictures of Kate Moss though - we know the only pictures you ever stare at are your own.

We still love you though, Big Z, even if you are vain and silly and married to the single most revolting male this side of David Gest. Cheers daaaaaahling!

(source)

Britney Not A Fan Of Angel

Apparently there's been some kind of falling-out between former collaborators (wink, wink) Britney Spears and Criss Angel.

We remember that the two were nearly inseparable for awhile there when Britney was "planning" her VMAs appearance and Criss was supposedly helping her - but now Britney doesn't want anything to do with Criss, though Criss continues making overtures toward her like inviting her to his big Vegas show on November 8. A friend of Britney's told new MSNBC gossip ho Courtney Hazlett:

She hasn’t thought about Criss Angel once since her MTV Video Music Awards show debacle. He used Britney for fame. Now that he has his new TV show, he wants press again and he’s is using her. People think she’s a fool, but she knows when she’s being used, and the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been.

I don't know about those stakes, but I do know Britney's higher than she's ever been - and that's pretty damn high. Must be some good stuff. Apparently, it's not good enough to blind to her to the intentions of a self-promoting dickhead like Criss Angel Mindfreak though. She totally sees through that guy. Honestly though, who wouldn't? He's a magician. As David Copperfield has taught us, magicians are some creepy fuckers who all women should stay away from. That goes double for anyone silly enough to go around calling himself "Mindfreak." Fucking hilarious nickname. Think I'll call myself Melvin Crabtree Assfreak from now on.

(source)

Still Together

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi attended a Louis Vuitton gala together last night. So that means they're still a couple. It actually was the dumb dog that had Ellen so despondent a couple weeks ago, not some break-up.

I don't know what you all think of these two, but I've always kind of suspected there was something funny going on. Something about Portia - I don't know, she just looks like the kind of chick who'd really unload on a person physically if given the chance. I think she slaps Ellen around some. I don't know anything - it's just a guess based on the fact that her face annoys me, and Ellen just seems like the kind of sad-sack who'd sit there and let some crazy broad smack the shit out of her.

Next Time, Honey, Just Go With The Mask...

Rumer Willis at a costume party. Yes, we know - she doesn't need a mask; her real face will do.



So she's dressed-up as some kind of high-end whore? Sorry Rumer hon, but chicks who look like you don't make it to high-end whore - they make it to airport hooker if they're lucky. The best job you could expect to get at a classy brothel is cum-mopper (and they don't give you the mop for the first three months).

Paris's Rwanda Trip Cancelled Over TV Plans

Paris Hilton was supposed to travel to Rwanda on some kind of humanitarian mission - then the organizers of said trip, a charity called the Playing for Good Foundation, abruptly bailed out, saying:

Due to restructuring...the philanthropic trip to Rwanda that we had previously planned with Paris Hilton has been postponed.

Sounds like a lame-o "we don't wanna talk about it" excuse to me. Clearly, something happened to change the charity's mind about collaborating with Hilton. Maybe they simply came to their senses and realized Hilton was only trying to use them, and the starving Africans she was planning to fake-cry over, as a means of helping her image after the whole jail thing.

Now it comes out that Paris was planning to have herself filmed in Rwanda as part of a new reality show called, I'm not shitting you, "The Philanthropist." The Playing for Good people were asked about this, and denied their plans ever included filming for a reality show. But I call bullshit on that. I think Playing for Good initially signed-off on the idea, thinking their association with Hilton would make for good publicity, then someone clued them in on how revolting it would look for them to participate in Hilton's disgustingly exploitative bit of image rehab and they bailed.

Anyone who may have had a shred of regard left for Paris Hilton as a human being - how does it make you feel to know that Paris was prepared to fly to Africa, to the middle of a country where people are starving and suffering and dying for real, and film herself acting like she cared about them? This was not an Angelina Jolie situation where self-serving motives co-exist alongside genuinely philanthropic ones - this was a situation where the only motive was a self-serving one.

Paris is trying to make people think positively about her. So some publicist whipped up the idea of having her go to a country full of misery and suffering because then people would know she cared. And Paris thought this was a good idea. And her celebrity made her attractive to a charity trying to gain attention for itself. And the charity denies it was ever about making a TV show? What would've been the point, from Paris's point-of-view, of doing it without cameras present? It doesn't benefit her at all if people don't see it. So the charity thought Paris just really, really wanted to help starving Africans?

Is it humanly possible to have your head that far up your own butt without suffocating?

People just need to stop giving Hilton the time of day. She is evil, pure-and-simple. And being associated with her can only damage your own reputation. There is nothing good to be gained by collaborating with her, having your picture taken with her, being in the same room with her, thinking about her...she is a negative force on this earth who only leaves a trail of destruction behind her. Someone should really just drive a stake through her heart...or we could all just ignore her, which amounts to the same thing.

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Paris's Giant Hissy

Paris Hilton was in Toronto this week, I'm not sure why - maybe as part of her international spread-the-herp campaign. Anyway, during said trip, Paris had occasion to dress up in a skeleton costume - is Halloween early in Canada or was she just on something? - and go gallivanting about. In the midst of said gallivanting, Paris happened upon an adult video store advertising her infamous sex tape One Night in Paris. This got under Paris's skin, and she reportedly stormed into the store and began ripping down the posters. While doing so Paris reportedly screamed:

You guys can't use my image in a porn store. I'm going to call my lawyer and sue the shit out of this place. ... I really want them down because they're mean and this is not right. I'm really serious, this is disgusting. And I want the other ones too or I'm calling the fucking cops.

Oh, by the way - this was all caught by surveillance cameras. Reporters working for Canada's CTV were allowed to view the tapes and transcribe Paris's words. The porn-store owners are right now peddling the tape to various tabloids - despite a warning from Paris's people that a defamation suit would ensue should they attempt such a thing - and have reportedly been offered $500,000 for it.

I find it amusing, first of all, that anyone would try making money selling One Night in Paris when it is readily available for free pretty much all over the place. I guess there are still schmos out there who've never heard of the internet.

Secondly, I didn't realize there were still heterosexuals who got turned on by Paris anyway. I thought everyone was past that. Maybe I'm not up on my hetero-culture as much as I should be.

Thirdly...Paris. What are you going to do? Go around destroying all evidence of your shameful activities? That would take at least 50,000 years. I know you want to freeze yourself and be thawed out once they've found a cure for whatever mutated super-VD you die from, but even then, I doubt you'd have enough time to find all of it. Face it - that's who you are. The lice-ridden slut in the video who got sent to jail because she didn't know it was against the law to drive around without a license. Embrace that reality, Paris. Stop trying to portray yourself as that little innocent angel you drew in the picture you sent to Harvey Levin. Stop lying about being a pot-smoking harlot. Last I heard, your granddaddy Barron had decided he was going to give you your fortune, so what the hell do you care?

And Paris - there's a simple remedy for a tarnished public image: Stop being a public figure. Stop grubbing for publicity in every nook and cranny of the world. Stop posing for pictures. Stop taking movie roles. Just, stop. Please.

(source)

Naomi Campbell Rages On

Rageaholic Naomi Campbell is at it again. The model, who recently served a week-long community service term over an assault against one of her employees, got into it with British Airways staff at Heathrow in London after showing up too late to board a flight with all her luggage. Said a source:

When BA staff explained she was too late, she exploded and stamped her foot. There was a tirade of abuse.

Campbell demanded that the flight be held so she could get on. Staff refused this request, but did tell her she could board sans baggage, which they would then send on a later flight. Campbell's response:

You are joking. You are always losing bags and I don't trust you with mine in a million years. I can't believe you won't allow me on your flight. What is this? Who must I speak to?

Hmm...looks like all that time Naomi was spending with the shaman, or whatever the hell it was, didn't work out. Guess there's no cure for being an insufferable, stroppy twat with an absurdly over-inflated ego.

(source)

Britney Flakes Out In Court

Britney Spears went completely wacky yesterday during her custody hearing in an L.A. County courtroom.

TMZ reports seeing Britney leave the courtroom a total of three times to go to the bathroom - once emerging with her hair changed and a different pair of sunglasses. What, did she think she was fooling the judge? "I'm not Britney your honorableness, I'm her cousin...Mitney...Mears..."

Britney did take time-out from her latest nervous breakdown to coin a new phrase which is sure to sweep the nation: "Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!" No, Britney was not giving us a list of her talents - she was actually responding to a question by a reporter stationed outside the courtroom. Of course she broke down crying after this. Apparently she spent most of her day crying, possibly because the parenting coach she's been assigned has handed the judge a less-than-sterling report on her mothering skills.

A new custody decision is expected Monday or Tuesday.

By the way, those who were wondering what ever happened to Cousin Alli - she was reportedly with Britney yesterday at the court house. Loyalty - ain't it lovely?

(source)

Orlando Off The Hook

Orlando Bloom walked away from the scene of his accident on October 12th - and now the actor will walk away from the whole affair legally unscathed, as the L.A. County D.A. has decided not to file hit-and-run charges against him.

The D.A. has cited "insufficient evidence" as a reason for not pursuing the matter. In other words, the video of Orlando apparently walking away from the accident did not definitively establish flight. The court document said:

[Bloom] walked approximately 60 feet from the scene in an apparent attempt to avoid paparazzi's continued pursuit. ... [Bloom] was not D.U.I. but was dazed.

So he was disoriented and trying to get away from the paps - and was not behaving in a criminally irresponsible manner. That's a relief.

(source)

Natural Born Nitwits

Jennifer Aniston and Woody Harrelson shoot a wedding scene for their new movie Management. Ah Jen - might as well enjoy the fake one, cause you're never having another real one. Unless you just decide to marry a plumber or something.

A Couple Of Zeroes

Ken Paves and Jessica Simpson. "This is how I cut hair. Snip snip snip. Except I use real scissors and not my fingers. Cause my fingers ain't sharp enough."

So Jessica's given up on sex entirely and is just hanging with Ken Paves now? I bet he'd give it to her in the ass, if she got him drunk enough.

Renee Zellweger Is Crazier Than You

Congratulations Renee Zellweger - you are now officially my crazy Aunt Veronica. I can't wait till Thanksgiving, when you come over to the house and treat us to your annual drunken rant about everything that's wrong with the world and specifically your four ex-husbands - two of whose bodies have still not been found, by the way.



"I'll tell you what...if I had the whole thing to do over again, I never would've yelled at the stupid bastard that the ladder was shaking. 'Hey Herb. Ain't it a little windy to be cleaning out the gutters?' What the fuck was I thinking? I should've let the bastard go down. The whole god damn neighborhood would've come out and had a party. 'Hey Herb, looks like you got a little broken neck there. Want some potato salad?' Haa!"

Sienna Miller - Environmental Crusader?

Some outfit called the Environmental Media Association has given Sienna Miller its Futures Award, in recognition of her efforts to raise awareness about global warming.

Not to dump on the Environmental Media Association or Sienna, but...does anyone remember Sienna actually doing anything related to the environment? Cause all I think of when hearing the name "Sienna Miller" is endless pictures of her going around with various grotty-looking men.

I guess I just wasn't paying close enough attention. Apparently, Sienna is actually an ambassador for something called Global Cool - a job that requires her to occasionally give statements like the following:

We need to understand that we have to stand together and work together to conserve the bounty of nature. Hence, it is my sincere request to my friends, fans and citizens of India to do their bit to keep global warming from harming this beautiful country.

I'm guessing she said that in India - cause if she'd said it in Akron, it would've been awkward.

Sienna will apparently be handed her prestigious Futures Award at the 17th Annual EMA awards ceremony, which will be televised on E!. No word yet on whether Ryan Seacrest, the guy from The Soup, Kim Kardashian's fake ass or any other noted E! "personalities" will also be appearing at the ceremony. And we also don't know if Sienna will be bringing her boyfriend Rhys Ifans, who has never himself won an environmental award, but was once declared an environmental hazard.

(source)

Dina Lohan To Film Reality Show (God Help Us)

E!, the network responsible for Keeping Up With the Kardashians, is set to lower the bar even further by giving a reality show to the vilest of all celebrity moms - Dina Lohan.

The show, which is as-yet untitled, will follow Dina as she manages the career of her younger, fuglier daughter Ali, as well as other "artists" she has signed to management contracts. Dina herself describes the show this way:

It’s about empowering women to be successful single mothers. About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It’s about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids’ dreams. Working is my sole source of income.

Which part of that statement should I laugh at first? The part where she talks about being in the limelight without compromising motherhood, or the part where she claims working is her sole source of income? Well, I suppose she's telling the truth about the second part - if one considers leeching off one's sex-crazed, cokehead actress daughter a job. On the first part, however, it's hard to defend her. All she's ever done, from what I can see, is compromise motherhood in the name of getting rich. No one who took motherhood seriously would have stood by the way she did and watch her own spawn get sucked into such a destructive lifestyle, then pawn the whole thing off on the very same media and Hollywood establishment she willingly and self-servingly exposed the girl to in the first place. Shame on the sickening bitch.

And shame on E! for continuing to validate these revolting creatures. Kim Kardashian and her disgusting ass weren't bad enough - now they have to prop up this festering sore Dina. Why not just give O.J. a reality show while you're at it, E!? Or go around looking for some serial killers to film as they stalk train station bathrooms in search of teenage runaways to murder and gut and consume in bizarre ritualistic fashion?

Why is it that the worst elements of society - the shamelessly narcissistic and crass and useless - are the only ones who get on reality shows? Has there ever been a decent human being on one of these things? They're nothing but showcases for asshats. But, this is probably appropriate, given that VH1 and E! and the other networks that produce this shit are all run by asshats.

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Posh Disses Tom, Pisses Off Barneys

Victoria Beckham has some kind of talent for antagonizing people. Take her recent dealings with the high-end shop Barneys New York in Beverly Hills for instance. According to an insider, the salespeople at Barneys are fed up with the extra work caused by Victoria's odd-ball purchasing habits. The insider said:

She buys so much in every department. But she demands it all be special-ordered. And then she returns tons of it -- and they can’t put her altered clothes on the sales floor!

Of course they can't put Poshy's altered clothes on the sales floor - no one else on earth is a size negative-4. I suppose they could give the stuff away to emaciated, toothless indigents, but how fucked-up would that look, a bunch of bag-ladies and meth-heads walking around in absurdly tight leather frocks and crazy shit covered in emu feathers?

Barneys' salespeople aren't the only ones fed up with Poshy's attitude either - it seems her "pal" Tom Cruise also has reason to be irked with her.

Recently, Tom asked Poshy for some tickets to an upcoming Spice Girls reunion show - and Posh stiffed him, claiming the show was sold-out. The sad thing is that Tom is described as having been "excited" about the thought of seeing the Spice Girls. Oh yeah? I didn't think Tom got excited over anything except crackpot alien-related end-of-the-world scenarios... and fantasies of David Beckham showering. Goes to show, you never can tell.

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Sienna And Rhys - Such A Lovely Couple

Rhys Ifans really seems to be enjoying his night out with girlfriend Sienna Miller. Or maybe it's the flash off someone's watch that has Rhys so entranced.

One person who's definitely not entranced - Jude Law. Reports say Jude was hot to get back together with Sienna, and was devastated to learn she was going out with his old pal Ifans instead.

Snooze you lose, Jude. Especially with Sienna. She switches men so fast...you gotta be quick.

Polaroid Claims No Sponsorship Of Hogan

Nick Hogan has been lying low ever since his reckless driving left "friend" John Graziano in a vegetative state worse even than Paris Hilton's. Actually, I'm being sarcastic there...Hogan has not been keeping a low profile, despite what common decency or at the very least lawyer-ordered prudence would suggest. Instead he's been running around acting the jack-ass and posting stuff on his blog...stuff about the big Polaroid sponsorship he snagged for his asinine racing team, for example.

Yes, Polaroid sponsors this douche - though all of a sudden that company is keen to deny the connection. Apparently there was a flood of angry mail, electronic and otherwise, directed at the corporation in the wake of Hogan's blog posting, leading to a statement from some Polaroid flack claiming they are not in fact sponsors of Hogan's team. Funny, cause on Hogan's website, hogandrift.com, there are all sorts of pictures like this one:




Perhaps my eyes deceive me, but that appears to be a race-car, and the word "Polaroid" appears to be emblazoned across the side of it. And, oh dear...does it not say "Nick Hogan" in white letters just below the window?

All right, so perhaps Polaroid was sponsoring Hogan previously and is no longer doing so. Funny then that Nick would boast of their future sponsorship on his blog, and list them as a sponsor on his site.

I hope the folks at Polaroid are proud of themselves for their affiliation with Nick Hogan, a criminal douchebag. We can only hope that, when someone finally dies as a result of this bastard's activities (and you know that day's coming), it will be a Polaroid executive lying in the coffin, and not just some random, innocent person.

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Tranny Freak-Out

Jessica Biel gets mad at paps and tells them to get a real job. How hilarious - a chick whose career is based on the fact that she has a big ass telling someone else to get a real job.

When Retards Go A-Walkin'

Jen and Violet go for a stroll. Gosh, aren't they...special.

David Copperfield Is A True Creep (Allegedly)

How big of a creep is magician and alleged rapist David Copperfield? A pretty ginormous one - if you believe new reports by TMZ and the National Enquirer.

The icky Copperfield stories got started last week when it was learned that the FBI had raided the magician's warehouse in Las Vegas and removed numerous items, including digital cameras, a hard-drive and cash amounting to $2 million. Then came the shocker - news of a rape allegation against the performer, leveled by a Seattle woman who claimed she was lured to the Bahamas by Copperfield in July and attacked.

TMZ was first to make a connection between the stuff the FBI took and the rape allegation. Sources told the site that Copperfield deliberately designed part of his show as a "system for picking up women," a system that involved using a digital camera for shooting interviews with babes David had picked out of the audience and invited backstage. One of the interviewees - possibly Copperfield's accuser - mentioned the Bahamas on-camera. And wouldn't you know it - Copperfield happens to own a bunch of islands in the Bahamas.

Now, the National Enquirer has added to the picture. A friend of the accuser tells them that Copperfield lured his victim to his lavish magician's lair in the Bahamas, telling her there was to be a party. When the victim showed there was no one there but Copperfield however. This disturbed her and she tried to leave, but Copperfield sweet-talked her into staying. Then, in the middle of the night, Copperfield allegedly forced himself on the woman, violently enough to leave her bruised. The friend said:

She told me she fought back. But she said that just seemed to turn him on more.

The woman supposedly took pictures of the scene with her cell-phone afterward, and avoided showering as a way of preserving any evidence. She then flew home to Seattle, and was met at the airport by her mother who took her directly to the hospital where staff performed a rape kit on her. The woman then contacted the authorities. The FBI eventually got in touch with her, and convinced her to participate in a sting operation which included her emailing Copperfield and setting up a meeting in Vegas.

The $2 million reportedly seized from Copperfield also enters the picture - because that sum is exactly how much the alleged victim says Copperfield offered her to keep her mouth shut. Obviously, she did not take the money.

Yes, David Copperfield is apparently that much of a vile creep. But really - what do you expect from someone who spends his entire life fooling people? I believe a certain arrogance has to attend becoming that adept at pulling the wool over people's eyes. Copperfield has probably come to believe himself superior to all other humans, and therefore above morality and decency and all the rest of that stuff. To him, these women were just toys with which to satisfy his nasty urges.

Yes David Copperfield - you are good at tricking suckers into thinking you have magic powers. But the fact is you don't. You're just another Vegas act with a big giant ego. Now, hopefully, the authorities will perform a real neat trick - by making you disappear forever into jail.

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Moses S'poses

"I wanna stay with the statue. It's warmer and more convincingly human than you."

Vanessa And Nick And Their Injured Pooch

God, don't tell Ellen. She'd be liable to chuck herself off a balcony.

Tom Cruise, Master Ventriloquist

"Now, my dummy will sing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' while I drink this tall glass of water. Take it away soulless, glassy-eyed wooden pseudo-person..."

Aguilera Double-Knocked-Up

Skanky pumpkin-face Christina Aguilera may be pregnant with twins, a "reliable source" has told Rush & Molloy. Looks to me like she's already got them.

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Jake And Reese No Longer Pretending

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon can now stop being coy about their relationship. They're a couple. We know it for sure after seeing this picture from their Rome trip. And no, it's not from some movie they're shooting, so don't even try that.

Another thing we know after seeing this pic - Jake likes Big Macs. Or cheesecake. Or beer or something else that gives you a gut when you consume too much of it. Usually people gain weight after they break up, not when they're in the middle of a big romance. Or, they gain weight after they're married. And we know Jake and Reese aren't married. Are they? Or will that be the next revelation?

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Heather Mills Claims To Feel Emotion

Peg-legged demoness Heather Mills claims she gets weepy when watching Dancing With the Stars, a show on which she herself once competed:

I was watching it with my daughter last week, and I got quite emotional and excited. I never got emotional when I was on it, but when I was watching it at home I wanted to cry. I had little tears and my daughter said, "Mommy, are you okay?" And I said, "Yeah, I'm fine." And she said, "Is it because Jonathan is dancing with another woman?" I'm so happy for them.

Stop it Heather - everyone knows you're incapable of human feeling. And stop trying to make us think better of you by claiming to have these adorable little exchanges with your kid. What a sickening ploy that is, attempting to humanize yourself by shoving your kid in our face.

But you want to know something even more sickening? Bringing up physical problems as a way of getting sympathy. Here's Heather on her health woes:

I had a broken pelvis when I danced in Dancing With the Stars. I've had a broken plate for a few years now, and it just pops out now and again.

I hope it hurts.

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Doherty Free To Do Drugs Again

Animal-lover Pete Doherty has been released from an 18-month-old treatment order and is therefore no longer under court supervision. In other words...party at Pete's trailer!

Oh gosh, I know, Pete doesn't do drugs anymore. He's clean. Real clean. Like my conscience. Sorry but I just lapse into Taxi Driver sometimes. Someday a real rain's gonna come and wash all the scum off the streets...

Scum? Streets? Pete Doherty?

On the subject of Pete's love-life...there's a report out claiming Pete has dumped model Irina Lazareanu, to whom he was supposedly engaged, and is hot to get back together with Kate Moss. But now that he's off drugs, will Kate still look as scrumdiddlyumptious to him? Or will he suddenly realize what a scrawny, rat-faced little boy-girl she is?

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Attack Of The 50-Foot Bland Pop-Star

Is it Gwen Stefani or Richard Kiel in drag? Either way, it's not Madonna, and never will be.

Hear that Gwen? Never will be.

Keira Knightley's Big-Ass Hat

At last, Keira Knightley has found a hat big enough to fit atop her swelled head.

Claire Danes. Why? I Don't Know.

"They're taking pictures of me. No, I don't know why either. Maybe there's a rumor about me sleeping with John Mayer."

Matthew Gots A Girlfriend

Matthew McConaughey has lady-hips. His woman does not. Something is wrong here.

Lindsay And Her Man-Bitch

"What's up, yo? Yeah, I'm banging Lindsay Lohan. It's the shit man. She's like so hot in bed. Plus you can't even begin to imagine all the drugs this chick can score. Honestly - she can just close her eyes and count to three, and cocaine starts coming out of her asshole. No foolin'. At first I thought it was just shit, cause it was brown and smelled just like shit, but Lindsay told me it was really a big lump of brown shitty-smelling coke that I just had to dry out and grind up and I could sniff it. I still don't know why she laughs every time I do it though. Shit - I guess that's just what chicks do when they're totally in love with a fly homie like me. Peace, y'all."

Is There Something You Want To Tell Us Ben And Jen?

Violet does her "Matt Damon's My Real Daddy Dance."

Pickled Pink Picks A Pair Of Pretty Pumpkins

"I should go to rehab. No...get arrested for DUI. Or, I know, adopt an orphan. Nah I hate kids. Only husbands should suck bottles and cry for hours on end while reeking of their own excrement..."

Avril Lavigne Is A Hateful Bitch

Avril Lavigne - what did anyone ever do to you that made you such an evil, hateful little bitch? Did someone put coal in your stocking at Christmas? Did someone punch you in your ugly little Canadian face and steal your lunch money? Did demons crawl up your asshole and take up permanent residence in your lower intestine?

You've done a lot of mean, spiteful, asshole things in your life Avril - but your latest transgression may have taken the cake. A description via Mike Walker's column in The National Enquirer:

As [Avril] chatted with attendees at a friend’s wedding, she was approached by an invited guest’s 8-year-old daughter, who - bright-eyed with excitement - gushed that she was a huge fan and asked the singer if she’d pose for a photo she could show her little pals. Eyewitnesses recoiled as Wicked Witch of the North screwed up her face and snarled: “NO! I don’t want to!” - then abruptly jetted off on her broom, leaving the red-faced tyke sobbing.

Jesus Avril - what the hell? It would've killed you to just have your picture taken with your little fan? What a revolting, execrable individual you are Lavigne. Making little girls cry because you're too busy or full or yourself or whatever to give them two minutes of your time. Don't you realize that, were it not for little pre-adolescents, you wouldn't even have a career? What Avril - you think you're some big music star who can just blow off the people who put you where you are? Oh yeah, you're so important - your time is precious. You've got places to be, people to piss off. What a self-important little twat you are Avril. Seriously - there isn't a form of cancer known to humanity that's bad enough for you. Maybe you could get some kind of tongue fungus that causes it to turn black and fall out. Or perhaps the lice that crawl in your pubic hair could become mutated and grow to the size of cats and suck all your blood out until you're nothing but a denuded corpse with pink hair and fake eyelashes still glued to you. That would be less than you deserve you festering boil.

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Foxy Brown Is Never Getting Out Of Jail

Foxy Brown is having herself a high old time in Riker's Island where she's currently being incarcerated for a probation violation. The New York Post reports that Foxy, whose real name is Inga Marchand, got into a fight with another inmate while they were on their way to lunch - then, the very next day, was "verbally abusive" toward some of the guards, and refused to take a drug test. As a consequence, Foxy has been thrown in solitary for 76 days.

That may not be the end of Foxy's troubles, however. It's being reported that Foxy could face more discipline stemming from an incident earlier this month where she twice refused to board a bus that was to take her to a court appearance - refused because her hair and make-up were not ready.

Let's face it - Foxy Brown is never getting out of jail. Cause some other shit is going to happen - like her stabbing someone or clawing someone's eyes out - and she's going to get more time. And then there will be something else, and something else, and eventually she'll just get put away forever. Which, I have to say, would probably be good for society. Hair-dressers, at least, would be relieved to no longer have to face that crazy bitch.

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Halle Ticks Off The Jews

Halle Berry has gone and gotten herself in a little politically incorrect pickle over an ill-timed Jewish joke.

The actress, who won an Oscar for enduring a sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton in Monster's Ball, made an appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno yesterday, during which she whipped out a bunch of silly photoshopped pictures she'd made of her own face with distorted features. When showing Jay an image of herself with a freakishly bulbous nose, Halle reportedly said, "Here's where I look like my Jewish cousin." Which would be funny in a room with a couple of your buddies - not so much on national television.

Luckily for Halle, Jay and his producers cut the joke out of the show's broadcast at her behest. Unluckily for Halle, the show was taped in front of a studio audience, not to mention a whole crew. So it got out. Of course, Halle was ready with an explanation(via Page 6):

What happened was I was backstage before the show and I have three girls who are Jewish who work for me. We were going through pictures to see which ones looked silly, and one of my Jewish friends said [of the big-nose picture], "That could be your Jewish cousin!" And I guess it was fresh in my mind, and it just came out of my mouth. But I didn't mean to offend anybody. I didn't. I didn't mean any harm.

Oh sure Halle - pawn it off on the poor "Jewish girl" who works for you. Ye gads woman, haven't those people suffered enough? The Exodus. Masada. The pogroms. The Holocaust. Woody Allen turning Catholic. And now this? Seriously - you need to do some big-time atoning to come back from this one, Halle. A public apology. Sensitivity training. And I think, to really seal the deal, you need to have sex with at least one Jewish guy. I'm certain there would be a few willing volunteers. Like, every heterosexual Jewish guy between the ages of 15 and 70. They're all ready to forgive you Halle - forgive you over and over, in multiple positions.

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Off-Her-Rocker Mills Wants Reese To Play Her In Movie

I have no idea what Heather Mills has been drinking - I just know I want some.

Seriously - where does this bitch get the crazy from? Is it genetic? Did she suffer some kind of brain-damage at some point? Where, in God's name, does she get ideas like her latest one - that someone should make a movie of her horrific, lying, gold-digging life, starring Reese Freaking Witherspoon?

And what kind of movie would this be anyway, this prospective Heather Mills biopic? Here's what Heather envisions (per a source):

Heather sees this film as the tragic and empowering story of her life. A young model who gets run over and loses her leg and marries her prince. But the most interesting part of the tale will be the dark goings on behind closed doors.

Oh, I see - so Heather would be the heroic survivor-type who finds true love with her "prince" Paul McCartney, but there are all sorts of dark goings-on like McCartney kicking her and stabbing her and making her crawl across the floor to get her bedpan. And Reese Witherspoon would be playing Heather. Cause Reese is good at playing tough, plucky, long-suffering people - like in Walk the Line where she took all that shit from Joaquin Phoenix.

I definitely think this movie should be made - I love fantasies for one thing, especially insane ones, and I also think this would be a great chance for Reese to win lots more awards. In fact, I think Reese needs to go all the way with this one...and have the leg wacked off. Sure, I know - they could just do it with CGI. But what the hell would that prove? Anybody can affect a limp - Reese needs to go that extra mile, like De Niro when he gained all that weight for Raging Bull. She needs to get in touch with some quack Mexican doctor who'd be willing to saw that sucker off. I can just hear her at the Golden Globes now: "I want to thank my good friend Pedro. I'm glad the downers worked on your shakes Pedro, and no, the infection didn't spread." That's dedication.

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Vince Vaughn And Vanessa Williams?

Yet another Hollywood romance rumor: Vince Vaughn is doing the nasty with former disgraced Miss America Vanessa Williams. Said a source:

Vince and Vanessa have been spotted sneaking around Los Angeles together. It's early days but they really like each other and are determined to make it last.

The couple would prefer their relationship not become public knowledge however. The source explains:

Vanessa is really trying to keep this a secret. She feels that the press helped ruin her relationship with Rick [Fox], so she's trying to keep what she has with Vince private.

So much for that, eh Vanessa? Don't you just love gossip blogs and tabloids and whispery people at hair salons?

By the way, I wonder what Jennifer Aniston thinks of this one. Eh...she's so used to seeing her ex-lovers achieve the happiness she'll never have, she's probably numb to it all. Especially after the drugs and booze kick in.

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Leo Free To Play The Field

Playboy actor Leonardo Dicaprio has broken up with his slightly retarded-looking model/draft-dodger girlfriend Bar Rafaeli. The split is reported to have been amicable - the two just decided they didn't want to see each other anymore.

All this happened after Bar was spotted going around with surfer Kelly Slater, who has also boned Gisele Bundchen and Cameron Diaz. Coincidentally, Leo also used to stick it to Gisele and probably Cameron at some point. And for all I know Leo and Kelly used to go surfing late at night and sometimes there was beer involved and there may have been a little craziness that neither of them really wants to think about.

At any rate, Leo is now free to pursue other retarded-looking models such as Alessandra Ambrosio and Petra Nemcova. Assuming such young idiots even find the thickening, ever-more-self-important Leo attractive anymore.

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Reese Witherspoon And James Blunt?

James Blunt had screwed every famous woman on earth except Reese Witherspoon and Ellen Degeneres. Now, you can knock Reese off that list. Via Crazy Days and Nights:

Earlier this month, James played the El Rey Theatre in LA. Reese was there early with three other friends and they went straight to the bar where she was seated at a VIP table. She and her friends immediately began chugging white whine like it was Tickle Pink and meanwhile one hit wonder man was doing his thing on stage.

When James finished his set, he went into the bar looking for someone who would give his scraggly ass a second look, and Reese practically ran to him. Ran to him like he was an inhaler and she was dying of an asthma attack.

She invited him back to the table and proceeded to kiss his ass for the next hour or so and the two wouldn't let any of Reese's friends join in the conversation. They exchanged numbers but I'm hopeful that he sticks to his 20 year old super models and lets Reese go. I wonder if she bought his new CD? God, I hope he didn't bring one over to her house and take out a pen if you know what I mean. That's one thing that I wouldn't be able to handle if he signed.

One of these days someone is going to explain to me the appeal of James Blunt. From what I can see, the guy is basically Chris Martin with more facial-hair and grodier teeth. He looks like he smells. Bad. Like the floor of a bar bathroom. But I guess some chicks dig that kind of thing. Reese apparently does. Not that her taste is anything to write home about anyway - I mean, she did marry Ryan Phillippe.

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Jessica Simpson And Lance Armstrong?

Jessica Simpson and Lance Armstrong may be having sex. At the very least, Lance is said to be interested in Jessica. The two were reportedly at some crazy silhouette sex-show at the Box nightclub in New York when Lance became smitten with the chesty sometime-blonde "singer/actress." Witnesses say Lance "couldn't keep his eyes" off Jessica. Was she dressed up like a dude?

Jessica was reportedly very interested in something at that show too - but it wasn't Lance. According to sources, Jessica was mesmerized by the nutty shadow-fucking taking place on-stage:

Jessica was fascinated by what was happening on stage behind the curtain and got her camera out to take some snaps. She was really enjoying the show.

They must've been doing anal. By the way, something occurs to me - could Jessica's occasional interest in allegedly-gay men like John Mayer and (maybe) Lance Armstrong have anything to do with her love of butt-sex? Those guys have had a lot of experience going in the backdoor. Maybe that's why Jessica digs them. Anyway, I hope the Lance and Jessica thing turns out to be true. Those two were made for each other: him with his one nut, and her with her one brain cell.

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Rocco And His Brutha

Madonna's bio-son Rocco tries to tear off a black man's shorts while running through the park in Beverly Hills. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

Katie And Suri Go Window-Shopping

"I want that one dead. And that Indian guy back there - I want his legs broken. Oh yeah, and I want a pony. A green pony with pink polka-dots. Give it nooooooooow!"

Tara Reid Has Destroyed Her Liver

Tara Reid is alleged to have entered the hospital earlier this month and been told by doctors that her partying has damaged her liver. Of course Tara is denying this - she's got a reputation as a teetotaler to uphold.

Tara's liver released the following statement through a spokesperson:

Help me.

Tara - stop abusing your poor liver. Mean bitch. And wash your hair once in awhile too, okay? Creating a haven for bugs on your head doesn't make you some kind of heroic crusader for animal rights.

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She Also Has The Hands Of A Sturgeon

Britney Spears has unveiled her new lips. It looks like they got sucked into a vacuum-cleaner nozzle and just stayed that way. The sad thing is that even Britney knows how bad they look, as evidenced by the fact that for a couple days she actually tried hiding them from the paps. But that was futile. Sort of like Britney's whole existence.

Kid Rock Must Like Jail

Kid Rock went and got himself arrested again - this time for getting in a fight in a waffle house.

Kid and members of his entourage were enjoying themselves at an Atlanta restaurant early Sunday morning after a show when an unidentified male became angry at a woman who was with Kid. Fisticuffs ensued, after which Kid and his peeps hopped on their tour bus and made a beeline for the nearest freeway. The police caught up with the bus however, pulled it over and arrested Kid and his posse. Kid and the boys were charged with misdemeanor battery and released on bail. The other fellow was charged with a felony for smashing a window at the waffle house.

And no, smart-asses - the woman with Kid was not Pamela Anderson and the upset male was not Tommy Lee. Pam and Tommy may be low-rent, but they're not quite low-rent enough to get involved in a fight in an IHOP in Atlanta. Kid Rock on the other hand...

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Eva Longoria Takes Tony Parker's Name

Eva Longoria has decided to take husband Tony Parker's name, and will henceforth be known as Eva Longoria Parker. Of course she's excited about it:

I completely adopted the new name and I love it ... I'm a Parker now. ... I love every bit of it ... I like the tradition of changing the name.

No Eva, sorry, but you do not love it that much. No one loves anything as much as you claim to love being Mrs. Parker. And Ellen Degeneres doesn't love that dog as much as she says either. You celeb types, you're always going on and on about how much you love everything, but it's all hyperbole. It comes from working in a profession where everything is hyped way out of proportion - eventually you just absorb those tendencies. You think you love it, but in ten minutes you may very well hate it. That's just how you crazy famous people are.

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Bill Maher Has Issues With Protester

Why not just let the man speak Bill? Afraid he'd take too much time away from your usual ranting about how the bees are dying from cell-phones or how cow-farts are killing the earth? Or are you just afraid of the truth getting out about 9/11? That it was all cooked up by George Bush and his Zionist buddies?

(I'm kidding about George Bush and the Zionists. Please don't get worked up every time I make a jokey-poo. They're all jokey-poos. I don't even care about politics - it's like religion to me; a way for people to maintain for themselves the illusion that the world makes sense. It's all a crock, and the sad part is that it doesn't even work. Everyone knows that taking drugs and masturbating are the only two true ways to get through life sane and happy. And yes, "drugs" includes cookies and pie.)

Orlando May Face Criminal Charges

Orlando Bloom may be in a heap o' trouble over the L.A. car crash he was involved in last week. Orlando, we recall, was videotaped attempting to slink away from the wreck, where his two female passengers lay bleeding and injured. The actor was finally convinced by paps to return to the scene and take responsibility - but his initial attempt to flee may still cause him to face hit-and-run charges. TMZ reports that the LAPD has sent the case to the D.A., who will decide what if any action to take against Mr. Bloom.

I'm no lawyer, but it seems to me that any hit-and-run charges against Orlando here would be flimsy at best. I mean, he did eventually go back and take care of his injured friends - so technically he didn't walk away. And just because he's on tape sauntering off doesn't mean he actually meant to just leave it - he could've been disoriented, or perhaps he was trying to get someplace where there was better cell-phone reception before he called 911. Am I helping you out here at all Orlando?

Oh, let's face it - Orlando messed up. Even if he escapes a criminal charge, he will still have to deal with looking like a total jerk-ass. It would've been one thing if he'd been alone when he wrecked the car, but there were two women in there with him, and they were both covered in blood. And one of them was supposedly a "childhood friend" of Orlando's. What does it say about the guy that he would just try to stroll merrily off like that? Sorry, but in my eyes this guy will always be a total fiend.

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Keira To Front Sienna's Fashion Line?

Sienna Miller has launched a new fashion line called Twenty8Twelve - and she wants her pal Keira Knightley to become the face of it. Said Sienna:

Oh god Keira - I would love it. She's the face of Chanel so she's not likely to come and do my line. But she's my mate so hopefully I'd get mates rates. I would definitely love Keira to do it. I love her face.

Oh don't worry Sienna - Keira will do it. You won't even have to pay her - just tell her someone wants to take a picture of her and she'll be there all hippity-hopping like a little merry bunny. Keira loves having her picture taken. She loves posing and pouting and sticking those mosquito-bite boobs of hers out there, then having people tell her how gorgeous she is. Vain little bitch eats that shit up. Of course she has a complex about all that, which is why she's constantly reminding everyone how self-conscious she is. "Oh I like having my picture taken but I really don't have much self-esteem blah blah blah." Christ is there a more tedious bitch on earth?

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Posh's Boobs Are Eating Her

Victoria Beckham's participation in the up-coming Spice Girls reunion may be in jeopardy - due to a chest infection. A source reports:

Victoria can't get rid of her infection. She has been fighting it for two months.

She's worried she won't be fit while all the other girls are turning their bodies into machines.

Turning their bodies into machines? You mean the Spice Girls are Transformers? That's so cool. Like, what does Scary turn into? A big garbage truck full of medical waste? And how about Ginger? She probably turns into a big parade float swarming with naked chicks with bugs crawling out of their vaginas. And what about Posh? Oh of course - she can't transform anymore; she's stuck in machine-mode.

Seriously - a chest infection? Who ever would've thought having someone cut you open and shove bags of chemicals into your body then sew you up might be bad for you, eh Poshy? You god damn genius.

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Efron And His Slag

Zac Efron celebrates his 20th birthday with his slag Vanessa Hudgens in tow. I'm sure there will soon be pictures of Vanessa popping naked out of the birthday cake. Oh Vanessa - why no eye-contact with the camera honey? Don't tell me you're shy now. Oh I see, you don't feel as sure of yourself when you're clothed. Well, then it's a good thing you seldom are.

Gwyneth - So Very Gwynethy

This is Gwyneth Paltrow in a car after the Fashion Rocks party at Royal Albert Hall in London. Now they know how many assholes it takes to fill the Albert Hall with assholishness - one, as long as the asshole is Gwyneth Paltrow.

Hilary Duff Wants To Rock

Hilary Duff performs at the Los Primos MTV Latin America show. Oh Christ...don't tell me Duff is trying to claim some Latin heritage too. Your name is Duff - don't even try that shit. And please, for God's sake Hilary, stop with the wanting to be sexy crap. You're a short, dumpy, fat little cow. Seriously - I've seen tree-stumps that had more sex-appeal (and talent...and brains).

Katie Pushes Past Jackie O.

Katie Holmes's sunglasses have officially pushed beyond Jackie O. territory and achieved full-on Roy Orbison-ness. Actually, I don't think even Roy ever wore shades that huge. Those are more like freaky prescription glasses given out to people with exotic eye diseases. I might suspect Tom of giving Katie something but we know Tom's dick has never been anywhere near her. Unless he just got crazy one night and came in waving that shit around and, like, smacked her in the eye with it and gave her some kind of weird alien dick-to-eye disease.

They're Really Going Through With It I Guess

Poshy and Scary land at London's Heathrow airport. I guess that Spice Girls reunion is still on - though I can't imagine why the hell they're even bothering. Okay, I can imagine - money. Several of the Spice Girls, including Scary, are hard-up. I understand that. But that doesn't explain why Poshy is doing it - she is clearly not hard-up. I guess she's just there to support her girls. Or, perhaps the opportunity to wave her boobs around on-stage was just too tempting to pass up. I'm personally shocked that there hasn't been a total meltdown yet. You know there will be though. When that much ego and vanity gets all mixed together, something's gotta give.

Britney Runs Over Pap

Britney was trying to pull out of a parking garage when she ran over some dopey paparazzo's foot. Apparently the dude was okay, cause he got right back up and continued shooting. Some have reported that Britney started crying after striking the pap, but in this video, we clearly see her holding her hand over her mouth before and after the incident. It has been speculated by some that Britney was in fact covering her mouth because she had just had her lips worked on and didn't want everyone to see. I really don't know - I've given up guessing what's going on with Britney. Her behavior seems totally random and wack. She is clearly responding to voices only she can hear.

Update: Amy Winehouse Arrested

Amy Winehouse has been arrested while on tour in Norway, the site Holy Moly reported today. Details are sketchy, but initial indications are that the arrest was for possession and/or domestic abuse. It should be noted that Amy's husband Blake Fielder-Civil joined her on tour a couple of days ago, and the two have been known to go at it. Insert joke about how Amy's not going to go to jail, no, no, no, yadda-yadda, ballet slippers beehive rehab gonna wind up like Pete Doherty hey an M&M!

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Update: There was no domestic violence involved in the arrest - it was for marijuana possession. Amy, Blake and Amy's beehive-master Alexander Foden (no joke - his job on tour is to take care of Amy's fake hair) were busted at the Radisson in Bergen, Norway after the cops were tipped off that they had pot. They were held for 12 hours, then paid small fines and were released.

If Amy is only smoking pot now, maybe things are looking up.

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Paris Hilton Wants To Be Frozen So She Can Live Forever

Terrifying thought of the day: Paris Hilton somehow figuring out a way to live forever. Yes, I know - nightmare-time. And wouldn't you know it, but Paris is already looking into it. Crazy bitch has convinced herself that if she has her body frozen right after she dies, she can someday be resurrected and basically live forever. Apparently she's even studied up on the whole deal, and already given a bunch of money to the Cryonics Institute in Michigan to reserve herself a spot. She said:

It's so cool. Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. And if you’re immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved. My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years.

Yes Paris, so cool. For you. But how about the rest of us? I'm just having visions of some future world where unfrozen Paris Hilton has managed to make herself Queen of the Galaxy or some shit. I mean what a joke that would be, right? And of course you know Perez would be there too, still kissing her royal ass. Jesus God - isn't existence horrible enough as it is? Do we really want to have to ponder the possibility of Paris Hilton achieving eternal life? And Mario too?

Of course, there is an up-side to all this: the possibility that some mistake could be made, and Paris could wind up prematurely frozen. You know, maybe she has some kind of accident and dies, and rather than resuscitate her, the nuts who've taken her money just decide to stick her in the cryo-chamber or whatever the hell. And of course, since this is all crackpot shit anyway, Paris would probably just wind up like meat in a freezer for a couple years till there was a power outage and she thawed out and rotted too much, and they just decided to throw her carcass away or perhaps feed it to Gummi Bear. That's what I would call a positive outcome.

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Maggie Almost Makes It

Maggie Gyllenhaal pulled out all the stops for Tuesday's BOSS Black Spring 2008 fashion show. She got her hair done up nice, spray-painted herself an almost-natural looking color, hired someone to do her make-up who knows what they're doing and selected a dress that doesn't look like it was found at a flea market in some Bulgarian backwater. And damned if she didn't almost manage to make herself hot. Unfortunately, Maggie blew it by having her picture taken with a pair of women who are pretty much effortlessly beautiful and sexy, Julianne Moore and Kate Winslet. All right, so I ain't digging Julianne's spinster-librarian look so much in this pic, but even all messed-up, she's still ten-times hotter than Maggie the Fug-Monster will ever be. Still, I give Maggie points for trying. Now if she'd just learn to stop dissing America so much, maybe I could...

Nah. I'll always hate the bitch.

Posh Takes The Kid For A Walk

What's with the Flowers in the Attic kid in the background? Spooky.

- Victoria Beckham and son Cruz stroll through L.A.

Hey Matthew! Nice Pole!

Gosh Matthew - I think there must be an easier way to get from Malibu to Honolulu than that.

- Matthew McConaughey surfs with his pole.

World's Most Boring Couple Officially No Longer A Couple

Ryan Gosling has officially confirmed what we all already knew - Rachel McAdams is the most boring bitch on the face of the earth.

No, I'm kidding. He didn't really say that. What he actually confirmed was that he and Rachel are no longer seeing each other. That's a biggie, huh? I know you were just on the edges of your seats waiting to see what would happen with those two. Hold on a second while I put my jaw back in joint after that colossal yawn.

There. Better.

Getting back to Ryan. Seems certain delusional nut-jobs are actually upset with him over his inability to marry Rachel or otherwise hold onto her. Ryan told GQ:

Women are mad at me. A girl came up to me on the street and she almost smacked me. Like, "How could you? How could you let a girl like that go?"

And of course Ryan immediately took that girl to a bar, got her liquored up, banged her and fled. No I'm kidding again. He didn't bother taking her to a bar - he just hit her over the head with a brick and had his way with her right there in the street. Oh my God, he did not! Ryan Gosling is a great guy and it's so sad he and Rachel couldn't work it out cause they were such a cute couple and he's so hot and she seems really nice and I think I would totally be friends with her and we could like go shopping and Ryan could come too and he'd be all trailing behind us with that hang-dog thing guys get when they have to go shopping and we'd be giggling at him and then we'd have lunch at the food court oh my God I just love Taco Bell chalupas...

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Owen Wilson Returns To Partying

Owen Wilson is only a few weeks removed from trying to do himself in with sharp objects and pills, and already he's back out boozing it up with his Hollywood buddies. On the 5th of October, Owen and some of his pals reportedly got themselves a private room at the Viceroy hotel in Santa Monica, ordered up a whole bunch of alcohol and got totally shit-faced. Said one witness:

They had bottle service and were drinking vodka. Owen got so drunk, he stumbled when he went to leave. He could hardly walk. It was clear he'd had too much.

And another:

He looked like he'd already been drinking [when he arrived]. He was stumbling when he came in and literally falling down when he left.

And yet another:

He ordered Patron Silver tequila on the rocks... and was drinking steadily the whole time.

Well, I guess the Indian faith-healer didn't do Owen much good after all. Now he's returned to a more classic method of dealing with pain - drowning it with firewater. Soon Owen will be back to popping pills, and calling random strangers on the phone and crying to them. Perhaps one of said strangers will finally be able to explain to Owen that his life is screwed up because he thinks booze and pills and silly Indian mumbo-jumbo are going to save him when what he really needs is to take responsibility for himself. He probably wouldn't stop blubbering long enough to listen anyway.

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Britney Loses Visitation

Britney Spears has suddenly and not-all-that-unexpectedly had visitation rights to her kids ripped by Commissioner Gordon (not the Batman one). This all happened yesterday after Kevin Federline and his team of crack lawyers (who he's paying for with Britney's money) called yet another emergency hearing. The court's new order states:

[Spears's] visitation with minor children is suspended pending [her] compliance with court orders.

Oh damn Britney - you're still not complying? What, do you think if you kick and scream and pitch enough of a fit the Commish is just gonna let it all slide? I'm starting to think the situation really is just hopeless for you Shitney. Might as well quit with the whole custody thing - which is a farce anyway since we all know you really don't want those kids and are only doing this to spite Federline - and concentrate on getting your career back together. Almost said that with a straight face.

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Richie Doesn't Want Paris At Her Baby Shower?

I'm not sure what to make of this one, since the blog it comes from seems to have been started for the express purpose of publishing the one story. But, according to someone who supposedly knows, Paris Hilton has become livid at Nicole Richie after Nicole sent her an email telling her to stay away from her up-coming baby shower. Per the source:

Paris was pretty upset that Nicole doesn't want her at the party, and asked me to contact Nicole to see if I could change her mind.

The one-story site also features the following image purporting to show Paris's message to this unnamed source who's supposed to broker peace between the idiot heiress and her pregnant idiot friend:



And why exactly is Nicole so angry at Paris that she would tell her to stay away from the shower? Apparently, Paris openly questioned whether Joel Madden was really the father of Nicole's baby. Nicole didn't take this well, firing back that she had only slept with four men in her entire life. Uh...pull the other one Nicole. And while you're at it, perhaps you and the rest of the twits in Paris's circle might consider actually opening your eyes and figuring out what a snake Paris is. Seriously - that bitch is about as evil as they come. One minute she's you're best friend, the next she's calling you horrible names. Must be her ADD or whatever other made-up affliction she claims to have.

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Angelina Takes A Spill

A woman who appears to be Angelina Jolie falls down while attempting to walk. That loud snapping sound is one of her twig-like limbs breaking.

Britney To Visit Healer

Troubled professional photographic subject Britney Spears will try anything to get her life straightened out - including undergoing a cleansing ritual by a Native American healer at the base of the Grand Canyon. No, this is not Crabbie trying to be cute - Britney has actually set this thing up. A source said:

The head shaman has agreed to perform the ritual on Britney, which is a great honour.

The shaman will wave sage over her head and daub her temples with a magical potion. And the learned Indians will chant mantra and perform a special dance around her.

And then they'll all take mushrooms and ride donkeys up the canyon, and Britney will pay the shaman with cigarettes? And then Lee Van Cleef will come out of the desert and challenge Britney to a showdown at high noon?

Of course this is all sounds daffy - and well it should, considering that Britney got the idea from Owen Wilson, who's so crazy he recently tried to off himself. Then again, maybe it's not so crazy - I mean, nothing else has worked, so what the hell? Might as well give dopey mysticism a try. I just hope Britney has the sense to wear underwear, and stop chomping her gum as the shaman is waving his magic herbs or whatever the fuck over her head. Five bucks says the stupid bitch starts giggling and the shaman gets offended and puts some kind of curse on her instead. "May you spend the rest of your days smelling like the vagina of a dirty old woman, and have your children taken from you and be doomed to mockery and ridicule from all in the world." Uh...too late Geronimo.

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Posh Laughs

Some paparazzo scored the ultimate prize - a picture of Victoria Beckham laughing. What, did someone hose some nitrous oxide into their car? No. Apparently, Posh was just happy to see Becks again after the two had been apart for a few days. Aw - that's sweet. She almost seems human now. Like in a sci-fi story where the android gets a soul. Then becomes depressed at all the badness in the world and runs amok destroying everything. I hate it when that happens.

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Lohan On The Prowl

Lindsay Lohan is back in L.A. Those who thought the rehabbed starlet was going to lay low - forget it. She's all dressed-up and out partying. Though, I have to say, at least she's trying to be a little discreet. TMZ reports that Lindsay actually took the bother to sneak out the back of her hotel to keep from being seen by the paps, then made her way to her old stomping grounds at the Chateau Marmont. So at least she knows enough to attempt to keep her activities a secret. Of course it won't work, because after a couple days she'll get bored with all the secretiveness - Lindsay's whole problem is that she simply lacks self-discipline.

In other Lindsay news...looks like Lohan's new boyfriend Riley Giles is a real sweet catch. A report from US Weekly says that Riley was actually engaged to another chick, one Bree Tierney, when he started his fling with Lindsay. Giles, big man that he is, never bothered saying a word to Bree, who found out about him and Linds by reading about it in the tabs. That Lindsay, she has about the same taste in men that her mother does.

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James Haven Bad-Mouths His Daddy

Angelina Jolie's brother James Haven has been going back-and-forth with his and Angie's much-maligned father Jon Voight. Here's what JH had to say about Voight in an interview with Marie Claire:

I don't want to constantly berate my father... but he put my mom through years of mental abuse, and it made me care especially for abandoned women and children. That's my religion - helping widows and orphans.

Abandoned women are widows? So if a man dies in some kind of freak accident say, that still counts as abandonment? I ain't gonna argue with you James, cause frankly I don't want you haunting my nightmares. Okay I'm gonna take you to task a little bit though - that "I don't want to say bad things about my father, but he's an asshole" bit is getting a tad shopworn. Seriously - what did that guy ever do that was so bad? You and Angie like dropping little hints that he was just this mean dude but you're never specific. So did he rape you with a toilet plunger or not? Cause if it was just the usual old "he was never there for us" crap - sorry hon, but join the club.

Anyhoo, old Jon Voight still has enough spunk left to come back at his ungrateful kids when they attack him. Here's what the old fart said to Life & Style:

I find it very heartbreaking that my children want to paint a bad guy portrait of me. I feel it comes from their inability to let go of years of programmed anger from their mother, who understandably felt quite hurt when we divorced.

In all truth, I tried to give him and their mother continuous love and support and large sums of money. God knows, for years I've tried to mend this relationship.

Perhaps the trauma of their mother's passing has made it worse. I continuously send them my heart and love and am always available to them for whatever they need from me.

You're always sending them your heart? What the hell are they supposed to do with that shriveled-up old thing, play hacky sack? Oh, I do like the honesty though - about all the money you sent them over the years. Cause let's face it, that's the crux of this whole thing. Not so much for Angie cause she's got her own money but James - he doesn't have a lot going on I'd venture to say, so he's probably just bitter that the old man doesn't cough up as much as he used to. If James is so hard-up, maybe he should consider trying to "help" a better class of widow - they can be very giving if buttered up in the right way. Course, it's probably not that easy to get in the door when you look like Dracula's inbred, hemophiliac cousin.

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Christianity Must Be In Rough Shape

Some joint called BeliefNet.com has issued their list of the 10 most powerful Christians in Hollywood. Improbably, Mel Gibson is at the top of the chart. I say "improbably" because, about this time last year, we had all pretty much buried Gibson's career. But Mel has pulled a Jesus and resurrected himself - pretty much without actually doing anything, as a matter of fact. Here's the complete top 10:

1. Mel Gibson
2. Denzel Washington
3. Patricia Heaton
4. Tyler Perry
5. Ralph Winter
6. Angela Bassett
7. Martin Sheen
8. Martha Williamson
9. Kristin Chenoweth
10. Philip Anschultz

I don't know if I agree with that list. First of all, given recent box-office performance, shouldn't Tyler Perry be number 1? Those movies based on his plays pretty much always open big. I don't think Apocalypto was nearly as profitable as Diary of a Mad Black Woman. And Denzel Washington - we all love Denzel, but what was his last actual hit? I can't honestly remember. Of course, a couple of these people are only included because they're controversial. Like Patricia Heaton, who pretty much hates everyone who doesn't precisely agree with her views. And Martin Sheen who has demonstrated himself to be a total wacko. I don't know - seems to me that if Heaton and Sheen are considered "powerful Christians" in show-biz, then "powerful Christian in show-biz" is pretty much an oxymoron.

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Britney Booked

Britney Spears reported to the Van Nuys jail last night to be officially booked on hit-and-run and driving without a license charges. Britney is said to have been "smiling" as she entered the jail, and is described as having worn "a short black dress and black jacket." Vital information. And no, she did not have the pink wig on when she entered the jail - she only wore that before. She probably thought she could wear the pink wig inside, to make a funny mugshot, but her lawyer was there and no doubt told her to at least try to act like a sane adult.

By the way, the LAPD says they will not be releasing the booking photo. So my whole week's ruined now.

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So Life-Like

Hollywood starlets Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson have joined the long list of famous and/or infamous people to be immortalized in wax by Madame Tussaud's museum. My goodness, the people who make those statues are really artists, aren't they? Looking at that picture, you'd swear it really was Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. But, if you look closely, you can tell those aren't really people and only statues. Just peer into the eyes - there's a curious vacantness about them. Nope - clearly not real people. But amazing facsimiles for certain.

Winehouse's Tour Off To Shaky Start

Amy Winehouse has pulled herself together more or less and gone out on tour. Her first stop was in Berlin, where her performance was said to be less than spectacular. Reportedly, Amy forgot most of the words to her first couple of songs, but did manage to recover after that and deliver passable renditions of some of her other hits. After the show, Amy dealt with her frustration by scarfing loads of junk food - which I'm certain she promptly vomited up, along with blood, bile and other unidentifiable bodily or perhaps non-bodily fluids.

Amy's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is causing a lot of anxiety for people around Amy as well. They had hoped Blake, who's facing some legal troubles in Britain, would just stay home - but no, old Blake flew into Berlin to continue his campaign of bringing Amy's career and life crashing down around her. Said one member of Winehouse's tour team:

We had hoped Blake wouldn't come but he has. It is Amy's decision to have him with her, I guess for now we just have to deal with it.

Yes, deal with it. By hiring someone to push the bastard off a cliff or spike his Froot Loops with arsenic. Seriously, I think that's about the only solution now. Amy's clearly entranced by this idiot, for whatever reason, but all this bastard seems to care about is creating more chaos. The only way Amy will ever get her life turned around is if this creep is gotten out of the picture. By any means necessary.

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Gretchen Wilson Needs Her Hillbilly Ass Kicked

Gretchen Wilson has made a name for herself by singing songs about what a low-rent hillbilly piece of trash she is - so it should come as no surprise when she behaves like one, even in places like airplanes where everyone is super-sensitized to any kind of socially unacceptable behavior.

A heightened sense of anxiety is no never-mind to Queen Gretchen, who on a recent American Airlines flight from Nashville to L.A., decided to let her doggie out of its carrier so it could run around in coach (yes, she was flying coach - and she buys her underwear at Wal-Mart wink, wink). Naturally, this irritated everyone else on the plane, but when flight attendants took the matter up with Miss Super-Important Gretchen, the inbred uber-bitch merely screamed "Fuck you" at them. Nobody tells Gretchen Wilson what to do with her doggie I guess. Thankfully, airplane staff were able to cut off the alcohol supply to Gretchen's dirtbag posse, who were getting themselves stinking drunk (because it's such a long way from Nashville to L.A. by air - who could possibly manage that marathon flight without being pickled?).

I'm not even going to bother asking why people like Gretchen don't just hire private jets if they want to treat a cross-country flight like a rowdy party at some redneck dive - we all know that record companies routinely rob people like Gretchen, meaning they're not actually as rich as everyone thinks they are. What I want to know is, when are airlines going to start instituting the kind of tough security measures situations like these warrant? Gretchen received "an in-flight citation" and was written up by the airline - ooh, that'll learn the bitch. Seriously people - we need to get tough with these assholes. If you act up on a plane like this, there ought to be a commando-trained, ninja air marshal who can come over and just start kicking the crap out of you, no matter how famous you are, and no matter whether you've been drinking or not. Then, if you continue behaving disruptively, the air marshal should be able to strap a parachute to you and chuck you right off the plane. "Have a nice time finding your way through the swamps of Arkansas you pile of redneck garbage. Yeah, they never found D.B. Cooper either." That would convince these turds to either hire that private jet or just shut their fat stupid worthless yaps and keep their dogs in their damn carriers.

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Who's The Dude?

Why it's not a dude at all, it's the lovely Gwyneth Paltrow, star of Hollywood blockbusters like Shallow Hal and View From the Top. That's some interesting bone-structure Gwyneth is sporting there. And why the hell is her forehead so shiny? "Hey Gwyneth, put a hat on. You're endangering low-flying aircraft!" Ha ha - I love that one.

Pete Doherty's Into Natural Highs

Pete Doherty has a new girlfriend, a model named Irina Lazareanu. She's pretty much Kate Moss 2.0 from what I can tell - waifish, wasted-looking, kinda rat-faced, probably doesn't mind someone pissing in her eye or putting out their cigarettes on her thigh. You know, Pete's idea of a good time. Anyway, Pete and Irina dragged their carcasses out to an amusement park recently, and some photographer snapped this picture of Pete on one of the rides:



It's the same face Pete used to make when he was high and he would stick his head out the window of a car as it was speeding a hundred miles an hour down the road. Of course he was driving.

Oh, Pete's not on drugs anymore, in case you hadn't heard. Rehab sobered him up. All right - so he still says he's not entirely sold on remaining drug-free. He thinks he can still smoke a little crack now and then without tumbling straight back down into his old hellish life. Sure Pete. Just run with that buddy. You'll be fine.

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Britney Threatens Suicide - Again

That Britney Spears, let me tell ya, she is totally off her rocker. The other day crazy bitch was driving down Mulholland Drive and she called up Kevin Federline and I don't know, I guess she was distraught or maybe just coming down off of something, cause she starts telling Federline she's gonna go driving right off a damn cliff into the ocean and kill her damn self. What the fuck is up with that? This girl's totally nuts you know what I mean? Like, I wouldn't fuck that thing with my brother-in-law's dick, you know what I mean?

(Sorry but I can't think of anything else to say about Britney. I'm forced to adopt obnoxious voices as a way of keeping myself from sticking my head in the oven.)

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Tara Reid Not Stupid. Just Drunk And Gross.

Tara Reid has revealed the secret to successfully juggling a Hollywood career and a wild party lifestyle - don't be too stupid. Tara said:

I think the reason I never ended up in as much trouble as Paris or Lindsay seem to is that I’m not stupid, so I’d never do a lot of the things those girls do, and I’ve always had good friends around me. They need to straighten up a little bit and make better investments. And they should surround themselves with better people who don’t let them get themselves in trouble. You’ll never read a story about me going out and partying when I’m supposed to be working. Nor would I show up on a set drunk or miss a day’s work never.

"You'll never read a story about me going out and partying when I'm supposed to be working." Gosh Tara, I'm blown away by your work ethic. Really - you're a shining example to all of us. Of course, it helps that you never actually work, and therefore never have to worry about your drinking getting in the way - but we know what you mean. If you did ever have a job, you wouldn't allow your partying to interfere with it. You were raising a hypothetical. A wild, out-of-leftfield hypothetical.

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Hudson Teases Wilson

Kate Hudson has dumped Dax Shepard - thankfully - and now wants to rekindle her romance with depressed ex Owen Wilson. A source said:

It was working out between her and Dax, but it's a clean break. After Owen's suicide attempt, she realised how much she loved him, and broke up with Dax.

I can totally relate to Kate on this one. Not long ago, the Crabster gave up his favorite chewy Chips Ahoy and began a love affair with Chips Ahoy with almonds. A hot-and-heavy, bed-filling-with-crumbs love affair. The sort of thing where you're waking up at three in the morning because you need some almondy Chips Ahoy goodness and just can't wait until sun-up. Then, one day the Crabster was walking through the supermarket, and spied the packages of regular almond-less chewy Chips Ahoy setting there on the counter - gosh they looked so lonely and neglected. The Crabster remembered just how much he loved the chewy Chips Ahoy then, and bought a package and brought it home. Oh, the wonders of the chewy Chips Ahoy. Now the Crabster can't think about anything but the chewy, and wants nothing anymore to do with the almond. That's pretty much how Kate Hudson is with men it appears.

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Lohan Broke

Lindsay Lohan is flat-broke after blowing around seven million dollars on hotel bills, partying, drugs, rehab and legal fees. According to News of the World, $450,000 of that seven mil went to the Chateau Marmont where she lived for a year before being evicted. Another million was reportedly blown on clothes, $70,000 on tanning and hair-styling and around 500-grand on partying. NOTW also says that Lohan's three rehab stints this year have cost her $137,000, which is still much less than she would've spent on coke.

Broke Lindsay has begun selling off property in order to raise some cash, including her $2.8 million L.A. apartment and another $1 million one in New York. Of course this means Lindsay has no place to live - which is why she's currently bunking at the home of billionaire Tom Gores, an executive producer on her summer bomb I Know Who Killed Me. She does have a small part lined up in a movie called Dare to Love Me, which she will be shooting this week. And after that? I'd suggest she might sell a kidney but I can't imagine anyone paying more than twenty bucks for one of those poor, ruined things. Suppose she could always go the Britney route and turn her life into a sad public spectacle, then sign some deals with photo agencies, maybe do some club openings and other personal appearances. Lots of ways for a girl like Lindsay to make money.

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Ballsy Cisco Bags Another One

Cisco Adler has added heiress Lydia Hearst to his ever-growing list of conquests. Old long-balls himself was seen kissing the great-granddaughter of loopy publishing mogul William Randolph Hearst in a private booth at New York's Box nightclub, then accompanied the model to a showing of the new Mark Wahlberg movie We Own the Night. Hearst's publicist insists that the two crazy kids are just fooling around, saying:

It's true that Cisco and Lydia have been seen together in public recently. But I don't think this is serious. It is a very new relationship.

Cisco Adler never has anything but new relationships. His relationships don't last long enough to become old relationships. And anyway, Lydia would have to be an idiot to become anything more than casually involved with a chimpanzee like Cisco, hypnotically long balls or no.

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I Now Hate The '80s All Over Again

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz dressed up in '80s garb for Ashlee's birthday. Who's Pete supposed to be, Jerry Stahl? He looks messed-up enough. And Ashlee...well, Ashlee's just a little sad, isn't she?

Orlando Last Night - Messed-Up, Acting Like A Dickhead

Orlando Bloom was acting crazy last night, hours before he crashed a car and tried to flee the scene. This video shows him engaged in some kind of confrontation with a man who has since been identified as Damon Kidwell, a fashion photographer. The woman in the car, whom Bloom obviously knows, is a model named Veronica Taylor. According to a new report, the unpleasantness between Bloom and Kidwell began inside a club when Bloom "grabbed" Taylor, Kidwell's ex-girlfriend, "inappropriately." Witnesses at the scene say the only reason Bloom and Kidwell didn't come to blows was because the cameras were there. After getting done with Kidwell, Bloom is seen in the video walking to the very same black Toyota he would later crash and getting in. Cher Coulter, the stylist who was injured in the crash, is also seen entering the car. A second woman sits behind the wheel - when she tries to start the car, she's informed by that paps the funny sound it's making is because it's already on. One of the paps then says, clairvoyantly, "This is not gonna be good."

(source)

Update: Orlando Bloom In Car Wreck; Stylist Cher Coulter Injured

Orlando Bloom was involved in a car wreck early Friday morning in Los Angeles. The police say another vehicle cut Bloom off and caused him to crash his car, a black Toyota Matrix belonging to Pirates of the Caribbean DP Dariusz Wolski, into a parked vehicle. Bloom was not hurt, but his passenger, noted stylist Cher Coulter, did suffer a fractured neck. There were initial indications that Bloom might have been intoxicated, but the police have since said no alcohol or drugs were involved, and also indicated that speed was not a factor in the crash.

So Orlando was not drunk nor was he speeding. However, things are not all rosy for the actor, at least on the personal reputation front. Apparently, Bloom's unfortunate first instinct after the crash was to walk away from the scene, leaving Ms. Coulter and a second female passenger in the wrecked car bleeding and hurt. It was only after some paparazzi implored Orlando to return to the scene that the actor did the right thing and dealt with the situation. TMZ has promised there will be video of Orlando trying to scummily tip-toe away from the wreck - the Crabster will try to borrow that as soon as it becomes available (assuming TMZ offers the embed code).

(source)(source)(source)

Update: X17 has video of Orlando strolling away from the scene. He finally decides to go back when one of the paps tells him it's a hit-and-run if he flees. Wow - Orlando Bloom is a tremendous, tremendous shithead. But his idiot fans will still love him anyway I guess.

Update 2: Orlando Bloom has released a statement - a hilarious bullshitty statement, in light of the circumstances of the crash as we understand them. Here's Bloom's publicist-written load of crap:

Orlando Bloom, who was in a minor car collision late last night, is grateful that no one was seriously injured. Bloom called for help immediately following the incident. He spent last night at the hospital to be with his childhood friend who sustained a minor neck injury. He is thankful that emergency services arrived so quickly and that the ER staff at Cedars Sinai took such good care of his friend.

Orlando honey - you walked away from it. Your "childhood friend" who you care about so much was in the car bleeding - and for all you knew, dying - and you put up your hood and tried to stroll off...and would have, had the paps not clued you in to a little concept called "hit-and-run." Face it Bloom, you are sunk in the eyes of any reasonable person who has a sense of common decency. We've seen you attempting to slink away from an accident you caused that involved injured, bleeding women. No amount of explaining or excuse-making or any other weaselly shit will change what we saw with our own eyes. You are a rancid piece of shit Bloom - end of story.

(source)

Is This Britney's New CD Cover?

Pretty On The Outside guy has struck again. And I have posted his stuff again. Perhaps one of these days he'll give me a link-back. Or maybe I'm just not big-time enough for him.

Aniston And Vaughn Go On A Date

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn went out on a date to the Beverly Hills Hotel's Bar 1912 recently, claims OK! Magazine. A source said:

They seemed to be having a really good time. David Beckham was also there, and they chatted with him for a while.

No big shock really - Jennifer recycling an old beau like Vaughn. She can't find anyone new so why not take another stab at happy-go-lucky Vince? After Vaughn rejects her again, I don't know what she'll do. Maybe she'll sail away to a desert island and lord it over the monkeys.

By the way, Jennifer - don't even think about making a play for Beckham. If you even so much as look at him, Tom Cruise will have you murdered and your body fed to crocodiles.

(source)

Angelina And Voight Not Reconciling

Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight did not get together over the weekend as previously reported, and are not working on reconciliation. A spokesperson for Voight says:

It's all a mistake. They didn't see each other...

Well, there goes my last shred of faith in humanity. Thanks a lot spokesperson for Jon Voight. Fucker.

(source)

Lindsay Didn't Fire Dina

A rep for Lindsay Lohan denies OK Magazine's claim that the actress has fired mom Dina as her manager. Said the rep:

Dina remains Lindsay's manager and, more importantly, her mother.

I'm sure Lindsay would fire her as both if she could.

(source)

Newsflash: Michael Lohan Is A Scumbag

Some Long Island slag named Virginia Bertolino is running around bad-mouthing Michael Lohan, calling him a creep and all sorts of other stuff just because, four months into her relationship with him, she found out he was fucking another woman. The skank told Page 6:

I'm really hurt. I fell in love with this man. Then I find out he has someone else. ... We met in family court on June 25, and ever since we had been dating. We spent the Fourth of July on the beach near the Crescent Club in Bayville. It was very hot and heavy, and I saw him almost every day in the beginning. We fell in love - there was "I love you" and everything. He told me that he was going to change my life. He's very sexual, I thought we had great sex. Sex is very important with him.

Unfortunately, Michael was just recently photographed walking around Utah with his new girlfriend Erin. Virginia claims she was shocked when she saw the pictures. Said the brainless harlot:

My friends met him, my parents met him. I know his mother likes me, his sister likes me. What are they going to say now? When we first met, I knew he was Lindsay Lohan's dad and that was a little exciting, but I'm not a user. I'm a responsible woman in the community . . . What kind of game is he playing? I want the whole world to know about him.

Uh, Virginia dear...the whole world already knows about him. Apparently, the only one who didn't know about him was you - and now you've found out the hard way, haven't you? I mean seriously Virginia - you met him in family court. It never occurred to you, even for a second, that there might be a reason he was in family court fighting over visitation rights? Like, maybe it was because he was a two-timing scumbag lying louse fuckface? Oh, but you got bowled over by him - he was so deep and compassionate with all his God crap, and then of course there was the sex. For God's sake Virginia, are you just a complete idiot? Don't you know all the God stuff and pretending to be this righteous person is just a hustle? A way of gaining himself entree with naive fools like you who think he's being sincere? Have you no bullshit radar at all Virginia? Do you not know a filthy thieving scuzzy con-artist piece of shit when you see/smell one?

Apparently not. However, there is a silver lining - you now get to play the jilted lover, and brag about your tenuous connection to the famous Ms. Lindsay Lohan via your silly fling with her dirtbag father. Congrats Virginia. That ought to get you on TV - I'm thinking Tyra at least. Probably not Oprah though - she's a little too high-class for the likes of you.

(source)

Rachael Ray - Potential Child-Murderer

Rachael Ray wants to kill your children with junk-food - at least according to Anthony Bourdain, author of Kitchen Confidential.

Bourdain's disdain for Ray, the TV host who has taken over for Katie Couric as most insufferably "perky" individual on earth, arises from Rachael's recent decision to sign an endorsement deal with Dunkin' Donuts, makers of health-destroying fatty treats. Said Bourdain:

She's got a magazine, a TV empire, all these best-selling books - I'm guessing she's not hurting for money. She's hugely influential, particularly with children. And she's endorsing Dunkin' Donuts. It's like endorsing crack for kids.

I'm not a very ethical guy. I don't have a lot of principles. But somehow that seems to me over the line. Juvenile diabetes has exploded. Half of Americans don't have necks. And she's up there saying, "Eat some fucking Dunkin' Donuts. You look great in that swimsuit - eat another doughnut!" That's evil.

Oh Anthony, you naive fool - of course it doesn't have anything to do with money for Rachael. Don't you know that she is way beyond concerning herself with mere earthly matters like attaining wealth? She is a demoness, Anthony - her purpose here on earth is to destroy us by any means necessary. So, yes, if she can influence a lot more kids to become lazy fat-asses stuffing their faces with doughnuts, hence contributing to the declining health of America in general - that's just more good work she can show Satan come bonus-time.

Seriously Anthony, I'd be careful - don't piss Rachael off. She's liable to kill you, chop you up and make a delicious casserole out of you.

(source)

Nick Hogan Can Still Walk, Speak and Think. His Friend John Graziano? Not So Much...

John Graziano, the ex-Marine who was critically injured when Nick Hogan crashed the car the two were speeding in, will likely spend the rest of his life in a nursing home, it has been revealed. According to nurse Joanne Jones, Graziano doesn't respond to touch or sound and has fixed pupils - so basically he's a vegetable. As seems to always happen in Florida, members of Graziano's family are fighting over his guardianship. Yesterday a court granted temporary rights to Graziano's mother Debra, ruling against John's father Edward who claims Nick Hogan's family is paying Debra to stop her from suing them. John was apparently not wearing a seat belt when he and Nick Hogan crashed into a palm tree in Clearwater, Florida on August 26th.

Nick Hogan did release a couple half-assed statements about the whole Graziano affair - posting on a place called Supraforums.com. Here's what darling little Nicky said:

john is expected to make a full recovery its just a slow process for him to wake up because he was in a medically induced coma by a drug called pentabarb which takes weeks to wear off which is why the wake up process is is so slow. his entire body is perfect , he just hit his head.

Leave it to the dickweed kid of a dickweed celebrity to write a line like "he just hit his head." Oh yeah Nick - what the hell does a person need a head for? Actually, John really doesn't need his for anything anymore, since about the only things he can manage at this point are a blink and gag reflex. But what the hell - that's how the cookie crumbles right? If he hadn't wanted to get fucked-up, he should've been wearing his seatbelt. Right Nick? That's what you said yourself in this posting:

everyone please drive safe and wear your seatbelts, i had mine on and only broke my wrist, john did not and he is in a far worse stae [sic] than i am. thank u for the support -nick hogan/bollea

It's debatable, Nicky dear, whether John is in a "far worse state" than you are. Right now he's a total vegetable - but it seems to me that you aren't far behind him. The only real difference is that his brain-damage was caused by the crash, whereas you were obviously brain-damaged from birth. Not a huge surprise given that your father is Hulk Hogan and his sperm was probably all mutated and fucked-up from the steroids. Seriously - there ought to be a law against freaks like Hulk Hogan even having children. I mean, Nick and Brooke Hogan? What better argument could there be against mandatory sterilization? Someone should've chopped this guy's winky off like the retarded dude in The Sound and the Fury a long time ago. Hogan was an inbred affront to nature to begin with and then you add the chromosomal damage from the horse steroids and whatever wacky shit he was taking - that's a recipe for disaster.

Of course, little Nicky is a celebrity's kid, and therefore thinks himself blameless in this whole affair. In fact, Nicky thinks it's a hoot that he's frequently pulled over for driving recklessly and never gets in trouble. Here's what the cretinous little fuck told some rag called Rides Magazine not long before the crash:

In my silver Viper, I was driving from Miami to Tampa. I got pulled over going 107 [mph] and the guy let me off. He’s like, "Hey, I know who you are, just keep going, ya know." Dude, I got back on the road and two minutes later I get pulled over going 113 [mph]. Another highway patrol from the same county said, "I just heard on the radio that my buddy pulled you over and let you go. I’ma let you go this time. It’s your second warning. You get pulled over again, you’re probably going to go to jail." Three minutes later, [I was] doing 123 [mph] in a 50 [mph zone]. The guy is like, "Hey, I just heard you got pulled over twice in the last 10 minutes. I got to write you a ticket."

Wow, law-enforcement officers - way to protect the public there. And way to go Hulk Hogan - you did an amazing job raising this kid. What an up-standing little member of society you've created. Seriously - people like this are the reason Crabbie doesn't like driving anyplace. There's me in my little beat up Pontiac with my seatbelt on and no cell phone and not even any radio cause I don't wanna get distracted (actually it's broken but the other thing sounds better), driving 55 exactly when it says 55, and still I'm a nervous wreck because I know it only takes one little irresponsible asshole Nick Hogan-type to come flying around the curve like the cocksucking Millennium Falcon trying to make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs and I'm a god-damn grilleburger. And of course the other asshole only gets a scratch, and ten minutes later he's in some bar bragging to his buds about the awesome head-on he had with some nerdy fag in a beater. The only bad thing, confesses the homo-killing Nick Hogan-type, is that his Charger's all fucked but them's the breaks.

This is the world we live in. If there were any justice, Nick Hogan would now be on an all-liquid diet with no hope of his limbs or more importantly his reproductive system ever working again. But, there is no justice - so Nick will marry some slag and pump out a bunch of even-more brain-damaged kids (cause it gets worse from one generation to the next, especially when cousins marry) and they'll all be whizzing around in their souped-up rigs splattering people like bugs and laughing mindlessly at what a gas it all is. And grandpappy Hulk will be there giggling toothlessly while some chesty nurse feeds him his jello and whispers about the great hand-job she's gonna give him as soon as he's done eating. God damn - why couldn't I have been born in 1600? I'd rather deal with plague and being burned at the stake than this shit.

(source)

(thanks to Crabbiefan Audra for the tip. hope I ripped him good enough for you.)

Christina Goes Baby-Shopping

"This would be so cute - if only it were covered in studded leather."

Christina Aguilera actually really is pregnant.

Britney Smells

"I like it, but it's not quite cigarette-and-cummy enough for me. I wanna smell like a hooker's couch."

Britney Spears shops for scents.

Michael Jackson Sends Letter To His Fans - His European Fans

Michael Jackson may be lost in his own little dream world, but he's not so out-of-touch with reality that he doesn't know what the deal is with his fans.

And what is the deal with Michael's fans anyway? Simple - he doesn't have any. Not in America at least. Not even any crazy Chris Crocker types. He's so over in the U.S., even completely-over people like M.C. Hammer and Jessica Simpson are like, "Wow, Michael Jackson is so over."

Of course, America - as we're always being reminded - is not the whole world. There are a lot of other countries out there, and in many of these countries, Michael is still taken seriously as an entertainer (despite the fact that he doesn't actually perform or make music at all anymore). Many of these insane, don't-get-it countries are in Europe. In fact almost all of them are. For some reason, the Euros still haven't gotten the message that Michael is finished. They still adore him - and Michael knows this. Which is why, when he decided to send a letter to his fans recently, he sent it specifically to his European fan club. Cause that's where his supporters are.

And what did Michael say in his letter? The usual piffle about the huge stuff he's got planned. Quoting the message:

I've been really busy lately...Soon I will be sharing exciting and surprising news with you from my other efforts.

Other efforts? Oh, you mean besides your usual efforts - the ones that involve Jesus juice and child-rape. Gosh, can't wait to hear what the exciting and surprising news is. Maybe you could give us a hint, Michael. Does it have anything to do with a new nose? Maybe one that looks vaguely human? Not like a hunk of putty someone shaped sort of into a nose and then pasted onto your rapidly decomposing face?

It saddens me that the Euros still buy this guy's rap. There's never going to be any exciting, surprising news Euros - there's never going to be a comeback. He's over. He doesn't even care anymore. Any effort he makes toward trying to keep his fans interested is just a reflex now, or the result of some desperate record company exec or publicist prodding him. If Michael had his way he would simply retreat to some secluded place, surround himself with kidnapped children and go to town on them. That's who this guy is. If he weren't rich and famous he'd just be your creepy neighbor, the one who's out in his garage hammering and sawing at three in the morning. The one you try to avoid making eye-contact with if you run into him at the store because you don't want him talking to you. The one everyone suspects any time someone's cat disappears. You know what I mean? A freeeeeeeeeeeeeeak!

(source)

Britney's Life

Wow - Britney now has random crazy women sticking up for her as well as throwing coffee on her. Things are looking up.

Not that it hasn't been suggested before, but wouldn't life be easier for Brit if she just sent someone else out to do her shopping?

More Amy Winehouse Messed-Upness

Someone gave that icky, drug-addicted homeless person the money to buy a McDonald's shake. It just warms my heart to realize how much compassion and charity there is in the world, you know? Seriously. I'm almost crying right now.


The shock of blonde was just was Amy Winehouse needed to go from creepy to super-duper Halloween creepy. Next I think she should shave a line through her eyebrow like she had a scar. Or tattoo some teardrops on her cheek.

Lindsay Fires Dina

There's no doubt left that Michael Lohan has taken over control of daughter Lindsay's life and career - not after today's OK Magazine report that Lindsay has fired her mother Dina as her manager. Bastard 1, Bitch 0.

According to a source, the last straw in the Lindsay/Dina professional relationship was Dina's shameless use of her connection to Lindsay to advance her own would-be TV career, and specificially some recent stuff Dina has been doing with an apartment she picked up in New York for Lindsay. The source said:

[Lindsay] is livid about all this press her mom is doing on this NYC apartment that [Lindsay will] never even live in; Dina even gave Access Hollywood a tour of the apartment two nights ago.

Dina also commissioned a former Trading Spaces designer to work on the apartment - and of course took the opportunity to do a photo-op. This was not quite as bad, however, as earlier this year when Lindsay was on her first rehab stint and Dina decided it would be a great idea to bring Entertainment Tonight cameras with her when she went to visit. The bottom line is that Lindsay has plenty of reason to be mad at Dina. However, I have to ask - would all this have come to a head had Michael not wormed his way into the situation, visiting Lindsay in rehab and talking to her and, I think, coaxing her away from her mother and into his camp?

Lindsay sure does a good job of acting like an independent-minded young woman who can take care of her own shit, but I wonder how capable she really is. I wonder how long she'd survive without mommy or daddy or someone there to handle all the details for her. It seems to me like, the more freedom she's had, the more she's tended to fuck things up. At least, unlike Britney, she seems willing to listen to other people. The question is whether she's listening to the right people - but when your choice is between Dina and Michael Lohan, maybe there is no right person.

(source)

Bobby Brown Suffers Heart Attack

Bobby Brown has been taken to the hospital with symptoms of an apparent heart attack. We're still waiting to hear if he's alive or dead, if it was only indigestion, if Whitney will rush to his side...

(source)

Sutherland Gets 48 Days In The Slammer

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to spend 48 days in jail after pleading guilty to DUI. The 24 star will be officially sentenced on December 21, after which he will serve 18 days for violating his probation. He will then have until July 1 of next year to serve the remaining 30 days. Said Sutherland in a statement:

I'm very disappointed in myself for the poor judgment I exhibited recently, and I'm deeply sorry for the disappointment and distress this has caused my family, friends and co-workers on 24 and at 20th Century Fox.

Sure Kiefer - and I bet you'll never do it again either, right? You'll never fill your gut with hooch until you can't walk straight then decide to hop in a car and go for a spin. Those days are behind you - you're all about safety now. I bet you'll even start doing PSAs warning people about the dangers of driving while intoxicated:

"Hey kids, this is Kiefer Sutherland. If you're like me, then you enjoy a good swig of rot-gut now and then. That's just good clean American fun like our pappies and grandpappies have been enjoying since the days when they had their own stills out in the woods and used to run whiskey in the trunks of their jalopies with Smokey on their tail. However, we always have to remember to be responsible when we enjoy a snort of the fire-water. And that means no drinking and driving. Cause bad things happen when people drink and drive kids. Just ask Lindsay Lohan. Look at how miserable her life has become. She had to go to rehab, and then her father showed up and now she'll never get rid of his ass again. So kids, remember - don't drink and drive. Cause if you do, you'll have some crazy-ass bible-thumping grifter hanging off you for the rest of your life. Plus you'll have to star in a weak-ass PSA. And Perez Hilton will never stop writing the word "Alky" on your picture, no matter how many times you threaten to cut his pecker off with a pair of lawn-shears."

(source)

Update: Michael Jackson Is Evil. Or is it His Nanny Who's Evil?

We already know that Michael Jackson is an evil kid-fondling fuck - but now we understand the true depths of his villainy, after reports that the bastard has abandoned his lupus-stricken nanny Grace Rwaramba. Here's what a source said:

Grace is not doing well. She's ill, and she could use [Michael's] spiritual, mental and financial support right now. ... I do believe Michael has affection for Grace, but he acts like a child. He could at least give her a call and say, "How are you doing, Grace? Do you need more doctors?" But it's never like that. It's always taking. ... She's not on death's door, but she's like she was at the beginning of his child molestation trial when she took a break. Maybe he thinks she's on a similar break, and she just needs time to get well. I hope he can find it in himself to not be so self-centered.

This Grace person has taken care of Jackson's kids for many years. She's probably the only normal person in their lives. But now that she's got lupus and can't perform her duties, Jackson basically doesn't give a shit about her. His attitude is, "She can't do anything for me now, so why should I bother with her?" Of course, I suppose we do need to cut Michael some slack - he's always so busy planning his big comeback. He probably just doesn't have time for Grace. Plus Grace is such a drag you know - always telling him to stop filling his kids with Jesus juice and playing with their genitalia. She just doesn't get that this is how Michael expresses love. It's natural to pour alcohol down the throats of helpless minors then lie in bed with them watching porn and playing lick-my-willie. Especially if they're your own kids. Then it's twice as natural.

(source)

Update: Fox News claims Michael Jackson is the one suffering from lupus, not his nanny. They also think Michael's nanny, far from being a victim of anything, is actually exploiting him.

Who knew Michael Jackson had so many friends at Fox?

(source)

Hasselhoff In The Hospitalhoff

David Hasselhoff briefly checked himself into the hospital after experiencing what is being described as a "relapse." A rep for the TV star said:

David had a brief relapse and immediately recognized the importance of addressing it with the assistance of his doctors. He is doing fine and will be back home in the morning.

So Hasselhoff's off the wagon again. Gosh, I hope there's video this time too. I just can't get enough of him lying on the floor pasha-like sucking down cheeseburgers while in a state of alcohol-induced happiness. Makes me glad in my heart to see someone enjoying themselves as much as David obviously enjoys himself. Okay, so he occasionally has to drag himself to the hospital for alcohol poisoning - but that's just how it goes. The good things in life always exact a price.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Has Gross Hands

Amy Winehouse appears to have stuck her hand in a garbage disposal. You think that's a joke - but would anyone be surprised if it turned out to be true? Like, what if you heard that Amy had dropped a vial of coke down the drain and stuck her hand in there while the garbage disposal was running. "I had to get me bloomin' coke and now me hand's all buggered." Stupid bitch - she probably thinks she's indestructible or something. She thinks she's Claire on Heroes.

By the way, Crabbie is so off the Heroes bandwagon. Season 1 - goofy, geeky fun. Season 2 - suck-city. That leaves Survivorman as Crabbie's only TV love. Oh, Les Stroud - you move me in ways you can't even know. You can light my fire with two rocks and a bunch of bark-shavings any time.

Britney's Eventful Day

It's been a busy day for Britney Spears (and not in the usual way where she's just running around getting her picture taken and having coffee thrown on her by irate people). First, Britney got to visit Sean Preston and the other one whose name she sometimes forgets, accompanied by a parenting coach per the court's orders. The above image, right-hand-side, purports to show Britney crying as she leaves the kids, but to me it just looks like she's digging for mineral resources, as the MacKenzie Brothers used to say. Who knows though - maybe she really is upset not to have the little poopers around. They probably entertained her at least. God knows Britney needs lots of entertainment - and drugs.

Speaking of drugs...apparently Britney is not on them after all. They gave her a drug test this weekend and she passed. Of course there are ways of beating drug tests. They involve hiding jars of urine up one of your orifices. We know Britney would not be above such a move. She's used to hiding things in orifices; she has lots of room in there.

Finally, a judge has ordered that Britney be officially booked on hit-and-run charges stemming from an incident a couple months ago where she clipped somebody's car while trying to park. Apparently, Britney is trying to work out some kind of deal over all this - so it's likely this one will never see court. Too bad - I was really looking forward to watching them haul her out in a strait-jacket.

(source)(source)(source)

Perez's Keira Knightley Bit

This is pretty funny. The chick has Keira's gotta-go-pee enthusiasm down pretty well. And I think Perez's acting is actually getting halfway decent.

Another Posh Wannabe

Kimberly Stewart has jumped on the Posh-wannabe bandwagon. Obviously she doesn't have what it takes to be Posh: For one thing, she's smiling. And for another thing she seems at least vaguely human.

Sorry Kim. Maybe next time.

TMZ Lameness Continues

I'm willing to give TMZ a pat on the back when they deserve it. For instance, whenever there's a huge breaking story going on, like Paris getting sent to jail or Britney's custody battle, TMZ is really the only place to go for minute-by-minute updates. They've got the boots on the ground, the sources, the fast-reacting monkeys in the newsroom to hammer out the latest posts. They're great at that. However, lately they seem to be getting a tad arrogant. An example: This post about Lindsay Lohan getting out of rehab. It reads in part:

TMZ has learned Lindsay Lohan has checked out of Cirque Lodge, the residential rehab facility she has been in since August, but rehab is still very much a part of her life.

Sources connected to the actress tell us she has moved to a non-residential program to continue her treatment at the Utah facility, which will include drug testing and various meetings with professionals.

Really TMZ - she checked out of Cirque Lodge but is staying in out-patient for awhile. And you just found that out "exclusively" as you claim on your post (with your little red "exclusive" banner over your typically unflattering picture of Lindsay). Kind of funny, cause I posted that same story yesterday morning. And I got it from the Post Chronicle which gets a lot of their stuff from WENN and BANG. So, basically, that story has been in the cycle for about a day. Yet you're reporting it "exclusively" as of today.

See, here's the thing TMZ - it's okay if you're occasionally a little late on a story. There are lots of stories, and everyone can't catch everything. So, when it does happen that something gets through your net, there's no reason to be ashamed. Just run the story, source it, and get on with life. You don't prove anything by stamping the story "exclusive" when every blog on earth, including irrelevant lame ones like mine, has already had it for over 24 hours. Maybe you trick the people who only read your site into thinking you're on top of things - but people who read a multitude of sites, which I assume is the case for the majority of celeb-watchers, are only going to find it odd that you tried to claim a story as your own that they've read about twenty times already. Frankly it seems a bit arrogant to me. "We're TMZ, so it hasn't happened until we say it happened." Sure TMZ. And that TV show of yours is cutting-edge. Please, don't insult us, all right? You have a good site (as long as one doesn't mind the odd bit of irresponsible and shoddy journalism). Don't ruin it by crawling up your own ass.

Prince Harry, Vodka Snorter

Prince Harry went on vacation with his pals, including girlfriend Chesty Davy, in Namibia last November - and from the looks of it those crazy kids had a high old time. They indulged in everything from floating down the Orange River on a boat to snorting vodka. Yes I said snorting. Ingesting through the nose. Not how the Crabster remembers taking vodka back when he used to drink. Apparently, though, that's how the younguns do it. It's sort of a macho-dipshit game I guess - drink a bottlecap of vodka, slosh it, spit it back out then snort it. Sounds like a waste of good Russian fire-water to me, but whatever trips your trigger.

Of course, Prince Harry is coming under fire from certain stuffy types for doing something young and foolish. Said Ian Gilmore, president of the Royal College of Physicians:

There are all sorts of additives that could cause an allergic reaction which could damage the lungs, mucus membranes of the nose and trachea. It could kill.

Oh get off it Ian. The same damn thing could happen if a person made you laugh while drinking vodka. So now we should ban telling Polack jokes while someone's drinking? What the hell's the point of Polack jokes if you can't tell them while also swilling booze?

Every stuffed-shirt in England is gonna pile on Harry now. Here's what Frank Soodeen of something called Alcohol Concern said:

By by-passing the liver, you run the risk of inflaming the brain and possibly causing long-term damage. It's a practice to be avoided at all costs. It's very irresponsible.

Yeah Frank, but by snorting it you also save the liver, which is much more important to Harry than the brain. He's never going to need his brain for anything - he's a royal. He's got people to do his thinking for him. And if by some weird accident of fate he should end up king, he will need his brain even less than he does now - cause British monarchs are only figureheads anymore anyway. Most of his life is going to be spent screwing fake-titted girls and swilling hooch - so as long as he keeps his pecker and liver working, he's fine. The brain would only get in the way.

Everyone needs to lay off Prince Harry - he's just a young, crazy, inbred kid having a good time. And really, if he were to do something stupid and end up like his mom, so what? He's not really good for anything anyway. If he died, there'd just be one less monkey-faced useless parasite on earth. Big whoop.

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More Lohan Blather

OK! Magazine has scored the first post-rehab interview with Lindsay Lohan. In it, Ms. Lohan insists that she's gotten beyond the wild party ways that brought her career to the brink of destruction. The new Lindsay is all about getting well and staying well, which means a lot more time up in the mountains of Utah and a lot less in the clubs of L.A. Said Lindsay:

I'm staying in Utah until it's time to shoot Dare to Love Me, and then I plan on returning to Utah so I can stay focused and avoid other distractions.

Dare to Love Me is the name of the new movie Lindsay has a small part in. We don't know yet if any big parts will follow, or if Hollywood studios will still be hesitant to take a chance on Lindsay. One thing's for sure - Lindsay isn't giving up. Said the harlot when asked if she would consider leaving Hollywood for good:

Absolutely not — never! I'm here to stay. My talent is a gift, and I'm going to use it in the right way.

You're right Lindz - your talent is a gift. That's why you've got to stay focused and avoid all those other distractions. Cause it would be a shame for you to piss all that away.

Um...what exactly was that talent of yours again?

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Posh As An Alien

"Take me to your leader. In a limo. And make sure there's a massage artist and a pedicurist there when I arrive. Otherwise I'll annihilate your puny planet with my breast-lasers."

Victoria Beckham dresses up weird for another photoshoot.

Feathery Posh

This is what Victoria Beckham looks like with straight-across eyebrows and dressed in red feathers. Okay, now you know.

Angelina Set To Reconcile With Voight?

Rumors are swirling yet again that Angelina Jolie may be about to patch things up with her estranged father Jon Voight. The latest round of whispering was triggered when Jon was seen leaving New York's Waldorf Astoria hotel, where Jolie has been living with her forty-eight kids and kept-man Brad Pitt. Voight was said to be smiling as he exited the hotel - I think somebody got hisself a blow-job.

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Lohan Not Quite Free - Yet

Lindsay Lohan has left Cirque Lodge - but she's not ready to jump back into the crazy Hollywood lifestyle quite yet. According to her father Michael, Lindsay will spend the next week in outpatient care in Utah, then return to L.A. next week to begin work on her new movie Dare to Love Me, a tango-related romantic-comedy. Michael says she will work on the film for a couple of weeks, then return to Utah to continue treatment as an outpatient.

So that's it then - Michael has completely taken over Lindsay's life. He's squeezed out that piece of shit Dina, who obviously couldn't handle all the drama anymore and figured she might as well let the man run things. Cowardly Dina, abandoning Lindsay to the care of that charlatan Michael. What happened to all the hatred and animosity? Apparently that's been smoothed-over. And apparently Lindsay has been totally taken in by Michael. You want to know what I think? I think Michael scared the shit out of her. He's been in jail, so he knows what it's like. I think that, during those five days they spent together in Utah, he filled her head with horror stories. Told her every nasty thing he could think of. And it finally got through. For now. Of course, this is Lindsay Lohan - who knows how long it will stick. If Michael lets up, she'll probably just fall back into the old pattern again, and will wind up doing something stupid and getting arrested. I still think jail is inevitable for this little bitch. Even righteous Michael and all his bible-thumping and scared-straight tactics won't be enough to tear Lindsay away from the party-life in the end. She's still The Blow*, after all.

(source)

*=copyright Dirty Disher

Pete Doherty Tried To Kill Himself In Rehab

News of the World claims that noted drug-crazed hooligan Pete Doherty attempted to kill himself while in rehab. The tab says Doherty, overcome with pain over the loss of girlfriend Kate Moss, downed an entire bottle of pills, but was foiled in his bid to end his life when he puked the whole mess up. A source tells NOTW:

He saw an opportunity to take an overdose and took it. He told me he didn't know what the pills were but thought "fuck it" and took them all. ... He doesn't care what drugs do to him—in fact, he likes finding out.

Well, he found out that these made him puke. And didn't kill him. Might I suggest throwing himself off a high building next time? Or lying down under a train? These are all better methods than trying to do yourself in with pills.

By the way, I don't buy for a second that Pete tried the overdose because he was upset over Kate Moss. He wasn't even thinking about Moss at that point. No, he was thinking about his one true actual love - drugs. As in, all the fun ones you don't get to take when you're in rehab. Like crack. If Pete was missing anything, it was his faithful crackpipe. So, in his despair, he tried to do himself in - with more drugs. Makes perfect sense.

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Aniston Loses Out Again

You can forget about those rumors of Jennifer Aniston bagging Orlando Bloom at a mutual friend's wedding in Cabo - that was apparently all just bullshit. Aniston, as far as we know, is still single and hopeless, while Orlando has moved on to someone a bit higher up the babe food-chain - supermodel Miranda Kerr.

According to Sydney's Daily Telegraph, Bloom and Kerr were recently seen apartment hunting in New York. Of course Bloom denied it to the paper, saying:

What? Are you kidding me? No, that’s not right, never… No, it’s not true.

Right Orlando - you're not shagging the gorgeous model. And Aniston's not destined to end up a lonely spinster who spends her days drying wild-flowers and playing video poker. Why don't you just admit you're all over the world-class piece of ass Orlando? Are you afraid people will think you're straight?

And as for Jen...what can anyone really say at this point? Men flee her presence - just like rats escaping a fire. She must reek of desperation at this point. Seriously - I think it's time for Jen to lower her sights. Forget about trying to nail some hunk like Orlando and just go for her plumber, or the UPS man maybe. Or just drive up and down the freeway looking for one-armed hitchhikers. Anything, as long as it has a dick and no standards.

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Mad Woman Accosts Britney And Jamie Lynn; JL Curses Her Sorry Ass Out

Britney is so medicated there, she doesn't even know what the hell's going on. It's all just a lot of stuff moving around in front of her eyes, shifting colors, the occasional flash of light. And that Jamie Lynn - she's pretty feisty, eh? Telling that broad to move the fuck out if she doesn't like the uproar. Perfectly logical too - if some celebrity's presence causes a public safety hazard, everyone else should just have to leave.

I've got a better idea - why don't we just designate celebrity-only zones? All the famous people can move into these special neighborhoods that have extra-wide streets to facilitate all the paps. Then we can build really high walls around them to keep them all from getting out. And have blimps fly over carrying tour-groups. "Oh look, it's Courteney Cox and David Arquette. What does their sign say? 'Help us please, we're starving and a cannibal ate one of our children?' Wait till I tell the girls back in Paducah about this one."

Brit's Mom Swoops In

Looks like everything's been patched up between Britney Spears and her mom Lynne, at least for the time being. Things got rocky between the two earlier this year, we recall, when Britney accused Lynne of tricking her into entering rehab, then of joining Kevin Federline in some weird conspiracy to take her babies away (which apparently succeeded). The highlight of the wacky feud came when Britney drove to the set of sister Jamie Lynn's TV show and handed Lynne a poem she'd written, outlining her grievances.

People reports that Lynne and Jamie Lynn flew from Louisiana to L.A. Friday night to be beside Britney, who earlier in the week had seen her two sons taken away over her failure to comply with a judge's orders to take parenting classes and begin drug testing. A source said to People:

Brit really needed her mom. So Lynne flew out and they met.

Great job Lynne - swooping in there to take over things for Britney at this critical juncture. I can't imagine how badly things would've disintegrated if you'd waited another week or two. By that time Britney might've lost her kids, destroyed her career or even slipped into drug-fueled madness. Oh wait a second - those things have already happened. So what the fuck, Lynne?

Okay, I'll go easy for a second - maybe it's possible that Britney's stuff isn't totally over, and there's something Lynne can actually do to get things fixed. What's the first step Lynne should take? If I were her, my initial move would be to get rid of that bloodsucking little shithead Alli. I know she hired Alli to keep an eye on Britney, but clearly, Alli decided there was more profit in pushing Britney over the edge than steering her away from trouble. Sure - Alli wants her own music career, and the best way for her to get that off the ground? Keep being seen out in public with Britney - which means making Britney go out every day instead of staying home with the babies. Alli used Britney, and now she's reportedly got record execs beating a path to her door. Kick that bitch out before it's too late Lynne. And while you're at it, do you think you could have a little chat with Britney about the hair thing? Maybe convince her to lay off the weave? It looks gross Lynne. Seriously - Britney's real hair, messed-up as it is, can't be any worse than that busted-ass shit she's got going.

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Kid Rock Warming Up His Fists

Pamela Anderson has gotten married for the third time in her filthy, disease-ridden life, this time to Paris Hilton sex-tape partner Rick Salomon. The "ceremony" took place last night at the Mirage Hotel in Vegas with such luminaries as Tobey Maguire and Lukas Haas looking on. One person not in attendance was Pam's ex Kid Rock, who recently accused Pam of faking a miscarriage in some weak attempt at laying a guilt trip on him after he blew her off to go see a basketball game. Rock also got in a fight with another Pam ex, Tommy Lee, at this year's VMAs. Somebody jealous?

If I were Rick Salomon, I would prepare myself to be confronted by Kid Rock - cause you know it's coming. Kid is obviously one of these deeply insecure guys who can't handle any challenge to his manhood - and in his warped mind, Pam still belongs to him, so whoever else is fucking her is immediately number one on his shit-list. It would be nice if Kid could just grow up and get over it, but that's not an option. Not when your penis is as tiny as his.

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Johnny Depp Hates America Too

Johnny Depp has joined the ranks of celebrities who hate and despise America. So deep is Johnny's disdain for the nation of his birth that he's declared he would never under any circumstances raise one of his children within its borders, for fear that they would come to behave like vile and ignorant beasts as well. As Johnny told the New York Post:

I'm not particularly optimistic about society. We're in an age where everything has gone too far. It's an ugly world. ... I'm truly frightened of America in terms of raising my daughter here. I don't believe that is an option at all.

Really Johnny. That's interesting. Because you seem to have no problem making money off all the disgusting Americans who are so ruining society. You know, all the mindless idiots who flocked to your Pirates of the Caribbean movies? Seems to me, Johnny, that if America became the bastion of intellectual and spiritual sophistication you imply you would like it to be, the first thing people would stop doing is seeing movies like yours, hence putting a crimp in your jet-setting, do-as-you-please lifestyle. So, pardon me if I accuse you of being full of shit. And need I point out that France, your adopted country, is not exactly the most peaceful place in the world? I do seem to remember some pretty big riots there not long ago - hooligans running around setting cars on fire and such. And there's no reason for me to bring up the huge immigration problem in Europe - the way the whole place is being overrun with Muslims who don't give a damn about peacefully assimilating. I wonder, John, where you'll run when the shit starts hitting the fan over there. Canada I suppose. Unless you can't stand the climate. Then I guess you'll just flee to that island of yours, and hire some guys with gunboats to chug around the place, shooting at anyone who gets too close. That'll be so much better than winding up in evil, ignorant, vile, hateful America (I'm sure Gwyneth Paltrow will be happy to move to the island with you, and Madonna and Rosie and Charlize and Maggie Gyllenhaal and Angelina and the rest of your pro-Bin Laden buddies).

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Broke Britney?

Britney Spears has been told by the judge in her child custody case that she herself will have to pay for the parenting classes and drug testing ordered by the court. This should not be a big deal for Britney, as she is a rich pop-star. Right?

Not so fast...it appears Britney is not rolling in quite as much dough as we all assumed. In fact, her friends are worried that the court-ordered costs, on top of her regular runaway spending, will deplete her resources entirely. A source told Page 6:

People are very worried about Britney because she is running out of money. Her fragrance didn't do well. She has no cash flow coming in and she's spending money like water.

Performers make money off touring. And we all know she can't do that.

All I can say is...poor Kevin Federline. What the hell is he going to do if Britney runs out of money? He'll have to pay for the kids himself. At that point he'd probably go to the judge and beg him to give custody back to Britney. "It seemed like a good idea at the time your honor. Then the bitch went broke..."

Everyone involved in this affair is going to wind up a broke-ass bum before it's over. Except the lawyers.

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What's Creepier Than One Fake, Plastic, Expressionless Chick?

Two fake, plastic, expressionless chicks surrounded by rich fashion-show-watching assholes.

Dita may be trying to set the photographer on fire with her eyes.