Lindsay Lohan Leaving Rehab...With Michael

Sunday, September 30, 2007


Lindsay Lohan is going to take a little break from rehab this week - if you want to call being in the presence of Michael Lohan for five days "a break." Yes, it appears our worst fears for Lindsay have come to pass - Michael has gotten his hooks into her. For the next week Lindsay and Michael will be spending quality-time together, as part of Cirque Lodge's alleged out-patient therapy program. So Cirque Lodge has signed off on the whole thing. They actually think it will do Lindsay good to be in the company of a pseudo-Christian ex-con former drug-addict. Honestly, I think Lindsay would be better off spending a week with Pete Doherty, Courtney Love and Steve Coogan, but what the hell do I know?

Of course Michael is dishing out the usual helping of mawkish nonsense. Here's what he said about the place Lindsay has arrived at in her life:

I'm looking forward to spending the next week with her. We've been in constant phone contact. She's in a great, great place now. I've never heard her so honest, contrite and focused. Lindsay is weeding out all the bad. She's taking a step back and reevaluating her life. What she tells - her honesty and openness - has brought me to tears. It's beyond words how proud I am of her.

Wait a minute...was that Michael or Dina? No, it was Michael. Jesus, their bullshit has become indistinguishable. Poor Lindsay, having to be saddled with these pieces of garbage for the rest of her life. Maybe she could escape somehow. Stick a knife in that fucker Michael and just beat it for South America. A red-headed white girl could probably make a bundle down there. Or maybe she could become some drug kingpin's girlfriend. Damn, that would be great for her. All the dope she could ever want and she'd never have to worry about the cops again.

(source)

Spot The Dog


Methinks Kelly's been into mommy's medicine cabinet again.

Paris On Letterman

Saturday, September 29, 2007



Paris did Letterman last night. His show I mean. Or maybe she did him too, I don't know. At any rate, Letterman decided to make sport of Paris a little by asking her questions about her jail time. Paris didn't seem to enjoy it, but managed to keep smiling like the plastic little phony she is. Opinions differ as to the level of meanness being exhibited by Letterman here. Some say he went too easy on Paris, others say he was too nasty. I'm wondering, given Letterman's history of setting this kind of shit up ahead of time (e.g. his "feud" with Charles Grodin years ago), whether Paris wasn't in on the joke all along.

Clooney Rips Brad And Angie


George Clooney has once again made controversial comments - this time about some of his fellow actors. Said The Cloon in a recent interview:

I won't mention names, but there are certain actors who make me think, "How on earth can you take yourself so seriously?" All that is just cinema. Too many pats on the back...in the end it's all a bit toxic.

That's okay George, you don't have to mention names - we know who you're talking about. And we agree with you. Brad and Angie are way up their own asses. Or, actually, Angie's up her own ass, and Brad is up there with her. Too bad you couldn't pull him free and take him out partying - he could use the break at least. You and your stripper girlfriend could go out on a double-date with Brad and some stripper you got for him. Then you could drive around the freeway on your motorcycles all wild and free and tempting death. Brad would forget about the orphans and Angie's ass pretty fast. Alas, that will never happen. Angie's got Brad cinched up there pretty good. She's sold him on all her bullshit. But not you George - we know you see through that crap. With you it's in and out - no entanglements. Ain't no crazy ho roping you into some wacky multi-cultural Cheaper By the Dozen scenario. Nobody's poon is that sweet, right Georgie?

(source)

Cruise Has Publicist Murdered


A man who was convicted of trying to extort money from Scientology's own Jesus Tom Cruise has been found dead in his Phoenix home of an "apparent suicide."

David Hans Schmidt, a publicist known for outrageous publicity-grabbing antics, was under house arrest after pleading guilty to stealing some of Tom's wedding photos and trying to use them to extort $1 million from the actor. Police became aware of a problem on Friday when the tracking device affixed to Schmidt showed he had not moved for a significant period of time. They went to Schmidt's home and found he had attained room temperature (or, in non-technical terms, dude was dead as fuck).

There is no proof of course that Tom was directly or indirectly involved in Schmidt's death, nor do authorities have any tangible reason to suspect foul play - but come on...the guy tries to blackmail Tom Cruise, then all of a sudden he's dead? Put two-and-two together here folks - Tom obviously had this guy murdered. He probably had something else on Tom that he was planning on coming out with once his sentence was up - maybe the long-awaited unequivocal proof that Tom is gay, or pictures of Katie Holmes conceiving Suri with Chris Klein. He had something anyway - something Tom didn't want the rest of us seeing. So Tom had him popped. And of course Tom's people are good - they made it look like a suicide. The Phoenix cops at least were fooled. But you can't fool Crabbie - Tom ordered this guy dead, and now he's dead. I bet the poor sod who farted at the moment of silence is quaking in his boots even more now, knowing what a twisted fucker he's up against.

(source)

Lohan Gets A Pedicure

Friday, September 28, 2007


Lindsay and her fake hair went to get a pedicure. Why is she glaring at that chick in the other seat? "Did you just call me fat? You better watch it - I've killed three people." That Lohan don't fuck around.

Angie And Shiloh


Angie
decided to drag Shiloh out. Guess she figured Maddox needed a break from having his sanity slowly stripped away. Oh look - Shiloh has a dolly. Angie probably pulled it out of a dumpster and cleaned it up for her. Blobs don't get new toys.

Matthew McConaughey May Be A Flasher


Matthew McConaughey
is in Paris for some reason, and decided to dress like Lemmy Caution for the occasion. Must be odd when Matthew goes in to have clothes made - aren't many tailors who've seen that particular torso-to-arm ratio.

Blonde Rumer



Rumer Willis has decided to go blonde. Sadly, she managed to pick a color and style that seem to actually accentuate her bizarre bone structure more than the old one did. Poor girl. She just needs to grow it out I think. And stop shaving. Something like this would really suit her:



Angelina Jolie Hates The Troops

Thursday, September 27, 2007


Angelina Jolie was a guest speaker at Bill Clinton's Global Initiative shindig last night in New York. The Oscar-winning actress and would-be savior of humanity had plenty to say too - about the state of education in the world, and how military spending gobbles up money that could be used to raise people up out of their ignorance. Said Angelina to the crowd of left-wing elitists and other various swine:

The entire appeal equals about eight hours of current spending in Iraq. So just a few hours would send 150,000 children to school. Nothing wins more hearts and minds and nothing gives more freedom than education; and nothing is a better deterrent for conflict than an educated child.

What was that she said? "Nothing is a better deterrent for conflict than an educated child." Oh, I get it Angie - so what you're saying is that, if every kid were well-educated, there'd be no ignorant numbskulls left to recruit into armies, hence there would be no more wars. That's it - Angie called our troops ignorant, uneducated, backward dirtbags. It's right there in black-and-white. You can't deny it. She has no respect whatsoever for the sacrifice the brave men and women of the military are making. She thinks they're nincompoops who were tricked into joining the army and are now just instruments in the hands of Fascist power-mongers. Well fuck you Jolie - if it weren't for the "idiot" soldiers, people like you wouldn't have the freedom to run around making a nuisance of themselves. If it weren't for them, you and the rest of your terrorist-loving ilk - Maggie Gyllenhaal, Charlize Theron, Rosie O'Donnell and the rest of them - wouldn't have the freedom to behave like a bunch of pompous, self-important asswipes. You'd all be wearing birquas and washing the smelly, fungus-ridden feet of Islamofascist shitheads who would beat you on a nightly basis, and when they got sick of you, hand you off to their even-smellier underlings who would mate you with their horses just for kicks. I think you need to get your head out of your ever-shrinking butt Jolie. And while you're at it, do you think you could can the little-miss-virtuous act? You made out with your own brother on TV for Christ's sake.

(source)

Adrien Brody And Jason Schwartzman - What The Fuh?


This shot looks like it's from a movie. A family Thanksgiving kinda thing. Schwartzman as the nerdy guy and Brody as his sister's obnoxious boyfriend. There should be wood paneling behind them and a cheesy Jesus painting. There's a scene where the two guys share a joint and bond. Then the obnoxious boyfriend starts flirting with the hot mom and the nerdy kid gets all mad cause he's got an Oedipus complex. And his sister reveals she's pregnant. Then the wacky other brother shows up - he was just in rehab. He's got a girlfriend who's into voodoo. Stop me any time.

Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman at a Darjeeling Limited press conference.

Lohan Not Getting Out; Drug Dealers Bummed


Lindsay Lohan is not being sprung from rehab this weekend as previously reported by the sites Crabster rips his news off from. Said Lindsay's evil mom Dina in an email to Access Hollywood:

Not true. Staying in Utah.

This is gigantic news. Really. Dina Lohan is using Access Hollywood as her official publicity arm instead of Entertainment Tonight? What the hell happened?

But back to Lindsay. A source said the following to People:

Lindsay is not leaving Cirque Lodge in Utah any time soon. She has a few more weeks to grow and develop, and she is doing great.

Umm...wasn't Lindsay's growth and development the reason she got into so much trouble in the first place? If she were some scrawny, mousy little chick with no self-confidence, she'd have nothing to worry about - or at least, if she did, no one would give a shit.

Oh, they mean emotional and spiritual growth and development. So that's what she's been doing up there at Cirque Lodge. Glad they cleared that up - cause all along I thought she was just sneaking drugs and fucking guys in bathrooms. Thanks, source who spoke to People magazine.

(source)

Angie And Brad Disrupt School; Maddox Going Nuts


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have enrolled their adopted son Maddox in the prestigious Lycee Francais de New York, a hoity-toity school where everyone sits around listening to Thelonious Monk, smoking Gauloises and discussing nihilism. All fine and good for Brad, Angie and the probably already insufferably snotty and anti-American Maddox - not so great for the parents of the other spoiled little future socialist dickheads, who have to put up with all the paparazzi fuss not to mention the idiot fans. To head off any furor, the head of la Lycee, Dan Cooke, has sent out a letter to parents spelling out how the situation will be dealt with. The letter reads in part:

I’m sure you are aware the school has received much media attention recently during the arrival and dismissal times because of the presence of celebrities Ms. Angelina Jolie and/or Mr. Brad Pitt. I want to make you aware that before the first day of school I met with their security team to discuss the best manner in which for them to drop off and pick up their son. Our foremost goal was to cause the least amount of disruption to the school and to ensure the security of all of our students and families.

The letter then explains how Angie and Brad have worked out a schedule of "staggered" pick-up times, hoping this will minimize the disruption. Cooke then addresses the matter of overzealous Brad and Angie fans - some of whom have kids enrolled at the school themselves:

Regretfully, I have seen some parents taking pictures, asking for autographs, talking to the media and even shouting at Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt for recognition. Therefore, in the best interests of the school and safety of your child(ren) I must ask for everyone to please respect the family’s privacy and discontinue these practices.

My question is, why couldn't Brad and Angie just hire tutors for Maddox and teach him at home? It all seems kind of silly to me - especially considering how short a period they all tend to stay in one place to begin with. What good does it do enrolling a kid in school if you're constantly going to be yanking him out to jet off to New Orleans and L.A. and God knows where else? It seems Brad and Angie just like the idea of having a kid in this high-falutin school. It's a status thing. It doesn't matter to them that their very presence is making life difficult for everyone else.

The other issue at hand is poor little Maddox, who is beginning to show the effects of the crazy lifestyle his mommy and daddy are forcing him to live. A source says that, recently, the kids at the Lycee were asked to bring in a picture of themselves - which caused Maddox to basically flip out:

He was terrified. He refused. He started crying. Obviously the poor kid has grown up in fear of having his picture taken.

Okay, that's a little sad. But he'll just have to buck up and learn to live with it won't he? As long as Angie thinks there's positive publicity to wring out of him and the other kiddies, she's going to keep dragging them out everywhere.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Finally Got Some Help


We're happy to report that Amy Winehouse has finally gotten the help she so desperately needed. No, she has not stopped doing drugs and drinking - this is Amy Winehouse we're talking about. By "help" we mean "assistance of the fashion variety." Yes, Amy at last decided to start listening to someone besides herself, and ditched her demin hotpants and ballet slippers. She almost looks presentable now - like the kind of girl you'd bring home to mama if mama was also a blood-vomiting crackho.

Jake Gyllenhaal Is Not Gay So Stop Saying He Is

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Jake Gyllenhaal took his girlfriend Reese Witherspoon to see a Judy Garland tribute at the Hollywood Bowl - so according to everyone that proves Jake's gay. Cause only gay people like Judy Garland. Well I think the whole thing is just silly - first of all, the gay guys like Judy Garland thing is a total cliche. Wanna know one gay guy who doesn't like Judy Garland? Me. That's right, I can't stand the bitch, or her stupid daughter Liza Minnelli. So, if a gay guy can hate Judy Garland, then why can't a straight guy like her? Exactly - he can. So, you can shove your whole Jake Gyllenhaal is gay thing right up your pooper because it's a load. Jake is as straight as they come. All that stuff in Brokeback was just great acting. And Reese Witherspoon really is Jake's girlfriend and not a beard. Why in Christ would a woman like Witherspoon beard for anyone? Only desperate people like Jessica Simpson beard. Witherspoon is not desperate - surly and unlikable yes, but not desperate.

(source)

Joe Simpson Is Full Of It


Joe Simpson aka The Holy Pimp has finally admitted publicly that his daughter Ashlee had her nose done. Wow - news-flash...Ashlee's shnoz is fake. And next Joe will tell us Jessica is an ass-freak with the IQ of a Reebok? Let me grab onto something before I'm knocked over.

Of course, you couldn't expect a phony bastard like Joe Simpson to go on some kind of truth-telling streak - if he does tell the truth, he has to follow it up with a big fat lie, just to get his percentage back down. Here's the one Joe unleashed after talking about Ashlee's rhinoplasty:

Girls have their own ideas. ... Anyway, there was a real problem with her breathing and that was cured.

Ashlee has problems with her breathing. Yes Joe, we know - but it doesn't have anything to do with her nose. It has to do with her being so stupid that her brain forgets to make her breathe. That's why people are constantly smacking her in the back of the head. That and how funny it is when she spins around and gives them a dirty look.

(source)

Fart Pushes Cruise Over The Edge


Tom Cruise has been driven insane with rage - by a fart.

No, David Beckham did not let one rip while sitting on Tom's face (that would make Tom happy, not angry). The episode of flatulence that has Tom all in a tizzy actually took place during what was meant to be a respectful moment of silence observed by the cast and crew of Tom's new movie Valkyrie.

Tom, director Bryan Singer and writer Christopher McQuarrie apparently ordered the tribute in honor of the real-life anti-Nazis being portrayed in the film - and it was quite a touching and solemn moment too, except for the dude breaking wind. Said one insider:

Quite rightly, Tom is furious. We were filming at the Bendler Block in Germany, where the anti-Nazis were executed. ... For somebody to pass wind in a situation like that is unforgivable.

There is apparently video of the farting incident - and Tom is, even as we speak, studying said footage to see if the perpetrator can be identified. Let me give you a little help Tom - it's the dude who's giggling and waving his hand behind his butt. I'm guessing the guy standing next to him is sidling away while holding his nose. There may be some wilting foliage in his vicinity as well. You better catch him too Tom - wouldn't want someone getting away with making light of your empty, self-serving gesture. No one makes fun of Tom Cruise and gets away with it. Except, well, every blogger on earth.

(source)

Lohan Getting Sprung


Lindsay Lohan is getting out of rehab this weekend according to various reports. No doubt there will be a transitional period between the release and Lindsay resuming her usual activities - a period that will last exactly as long as it takes Lindsay to get hold of her dealer.

Seriously though...I hope Lindsay has finally learned her lesson and will live her life on the straight-and-narrow from now on. She's a very promising young actress and it would be a tragedy if she were taken from us early like so many other young talented people. Of course, if her movie career is indeed over as some have suggested, then who gives a damn. Let the bitch drink and drug and sex herself to death. World's full of nasty skanks who can't hold down a job.

(source)

Paris Hilton Going To Rwanda. Apparently There's A Dire Shortage Of Herpes There.


Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda. No, she has not developed a sudden hankering for some real African dick - well, actually she has, but that's not the reason she's going to Rwanda. She's making her trip to the impoverished African nation because she wants to help it. Said Paris to E! Online:

I'll be going in November, after I get back from filming my movie. There's so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.

And:

I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern. I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues.


Well, Paris said after getting out of jail that she was going to commit herself to helping make the world a better place. So now she's doing it. I guess that'll shut up all the naysayers, huh?

I personally never doubted Paris for a second. How could you? She oozes sincerity from every pore of her body. She has never spoken a false or disingenuous word in her entire life. She has never, for example, lied about doing drugs on national television with Larry King and his hard-on sitting a couple feet away. No - not Paris. She's the genuine article. When she goes to Rwanda, it will be all about helping those poor people - and it will have nothing - nothing - to do with some image makeover campaign dreamed up by a highly-paid team of publicists. Paris doesn't need spin doctors to force her to take up charitable causes - she knows what her true calling is. And I'm certain that when Paris does get to Rwanda it will not be a carefully controlled series of photo-ops - she will really get out into the countryside and see what the suffering is all about. We'll see what the real Paris is made of then. There won't be any complaining about getting AIDS when she steps into one of the numerous muddy, bacteria-filled puddles I'm certain. And there won't be any whining about the hotel staff's inability to produce a banana nut muffin for her at three in the morning. She won't be wearing any vaguely disgusted expressions when some Rwandan woman hands her a little fly-covered baby to hold either. No - not Paris. She's got an iron constitution (not to mention a heart of gold).

(source)

More Britney Car Troubles


Maybe I only dreamed it - but I could've sworn Britney just got charged with hit-and-run and driving without a valid license. So now she has a valid license? She must, cause she hasn't stopped driving, as a new video on X17 shows. Other things the video shows: That Britney's car has a missing headlight and a big dent in the fender. And that Britney hasn't yet grasped the concept of the one-way street.

Kate Hudson Has Herself Some Fun

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


Kate Hudson
messes around with Dane Cook while shooting a movie. Kate looks pretty sexy there in her jogging attire, doesn't she Owen?

Oh, put down the pill bottle Owen - you're not fooling anyone.

Tom's Building Himself A Retreat - Far From Reality


Tom Cruise and his crazy Scientology minions all think that galactic super-baddie Xenu is going to come to earth soon and vaporize us or perhaps eat us like in that one Twilight Zone where they thought the book they were translating was an alien guide to helping humanity but it turned out to be a cookbook. So, to prepare for this day, Tom is building himself a 10 million dollar bunker up in the middle of Colorado, and stocking it with everything a Scientologist and his kidnapped family, and possibly Will Smith and Jada Pinkett and maybe David Beckham, will need to survive until Xenu gets tired of his reign of terror and goes back to whatever evil galaxy spawned his cranky ass. And if it turns out that the Xenu stuff is really just a bunch of nonsense dreamed up by a second-rate science-fiction writer who may or may not have been under the influence of funny-gas? Well, then Tom will have a 10 million dollar concrete bunker full of boxes of powdered milk and cans of Spam that he can use as a vacation house. That's what they call a win/win.

I just hope no one tells Janet Reno where that place is, otherwise there could be a whole bunch of crispy lunatics to clean up.

(source)

Keira Knightley Must Stop Embarrassing Herself


One day I may grow weary of reporting on every bit of infantile blather that comes out of Keira Knightley's mouth - but that day has not yet come.

Yes, Keira is flapping her yap again - and it's all the usual stuff about how rotten her life is and how she's sick of people talking shit about her. Said Keira to Allure magazine of her hatred of the red-carpet experience:

All these people were coming up to my face and screaming, 'SEVEN OUT OF TEN!' – referring to the way I look! And you think, You rude fuck.

Seven out of ten? You must have caught them on a good day Keira - cause most of the time I'd say you're more of a five out of ten. And in the brains department something closer to three out of ten. Also, why not try saying "You rude fuck" instead of just thinking it? Then we might respect you a little bit - you know, if you stopped only bitching about stuff in interviews and actually demonstrated that spunk during the events you say you despise, instead of going through the motions like a typical movie-star drone. Sorry Keira - but until you translate your bullshit into action, and just stop showing up or otherwise rebel against the things you pretend not to like, we will continue perceiving you as nothing but a spoiled whining little hypocrite.

Keira wasn't done with that red-carpet remark of course. She also had this to say about her body-image:

I'm not Wonder Woman. I have self-esteem problems. Everybody does. You know, skinny people are allowed to feel shit about themselves.

And what our criticism of Keira really says about us:

I have noticed it creates an anger in people who are not skinny. People like to blame their insecurities on other people.

Actually Keira, it's not your being skinny that bothers me - it's your being a complete insufferable, self-absorbed twit. But, okay, if you want to make things simple and have it all be about your looks, and the fact that we're not beautiful like you and vent our insecurities by making fun of you and the other famous, gorgeous people we wish we could be like...so be it.

(source)

Britney's New Hair


Britney has replaced her ratty blonde weave with a ratty brown weave. This change, I assume, is a response to all the turmoil in her life - the hit-and-run charges, and all the crazy stuff her ex-bodyguard Tony Barretto has been spewing. You know, cause changing your hair solves everything.



"Just gimmie a second y'all. I gotta go in here and change my diaper."

More On Britney!

It's now being alleged that Britney is using an asthma inhaler to help her lose weight. Apparently, asthma medication contains epinephrine, an appetite suppressant. This technique is known to be very dangerous - and even killed model Krissy Taylor.

Britney - how could you do something so irresponsible? There are people who depend on you Britney. Like Chris Crocker. What will he do if you die? His career will be over. Unless he's somehow able to transform his fake concern for you into fake concern for Lindsay Lohan. Then he'll be okay.

(source)

Charitable Paris


Paris Hilton showed her new commitment to charity by appearing at last night's 16th Annual amfAR Rocks Event To Benefit The Foundation For AIDS Research. Paris, as we know, is particularly sensitive to the plight of AIDS victims - as she demonstrated the other day when she stepped in a puddle and declared that she too had the disease now:




I wouldn't worry too much Paris - everyone knows that herpes kills AIDS. So you should be fine.


Zac Efron Is A Dork


"Yo giant outer space man - wanna get naked and take some pics? I swear these ones won't end up on the internet like the ones I took of Vanessa. Man, that helmet is really turning me on. Plus you smell really good. Like Saturn in the springtime."

Zac Efron at Halo 3 Midnight Madness in Hollywood.

Clooney Laughs Off Motorcycle Wreck


George Clooney's sense of humor was apparently not damaged when he and stripper girlfriend Sarah Larson clipped a car with their motorcycle and ate pavement. The actor showed up at the premiere of his new movie Michael Clayton with bandages on his wounds and a couple of quips up his sleeve. Said George:

I'm a little dinged up - lots of Neosporin ointment. I'm definitely not jogging or doing jumping jacks.

We are just resting for now. You don't really want to rub or massage parts that are broken or anything!

We are hiding Sarah's black eye with make-up. It looks like I socked her a couple of times.

Funny-man Clooney could still face legal trouble over the incident. Police are investigating whether he struck the car, a Mazda owned by one Albert Sciancalepore, while attempting to pass on the right - a no-no in New Jersey. I'm guessing George won't be laughing if he gets charged with reckless driving. Meanwhile, his girlfriend seems to be enjoying the attention she's getting from hopping around on her crutches with her broken toe. Savor it while it lasts Sarah - I'm guessing you've got about a month left to bask in George's reflected glow before he dumps you and moves on to a new stripper.

(source)

Kiefer Nailed For DUI


Actor Kiefer Sutherland faces five days in jail after being hit with his second DUI charge in less than five years. Sutherland, who returned from direct-to-video hell when his TV show 24 hit it big, was popped in West Hollywood after being pulled over for making an illegal U-turn and blowing well over a .08. Unfortunately, since Kiefer doesn't have a vagina, no one really cares if he got nailed for DUI.

Double-standard!

(source)

Miller vs. Moss


Sienna Miller and Kate Moss plumb don't like each other. The ill feelings between the two noted slags reportedly came to a head Saturday at a wedding reception for a mutual friend - with a little help from alcoholic spirits.

The trouble started, according to the Sun, when Sienna showed up with non-boyfriend Rhys Ifans - who is also a friend of Kate's. Moss, apparently, doesn't like the idea of Ifans sleeping with Sienna. But they're not sleeping with each other of course - Ifans has just been camping on Sienna's couch for several months. Whatever - Moss obviously thinks Ifans and Sienna are an item, and she's not pleased. She let Sienna know loudly and obnoxiously what she thinks of her - in front of all the wedding guests, and her own boyfriend Jamie Hince. Said a source:

Kate had a go at Sienna and accused her of stealing her style. She was ranting on about how Sienna was now trying to steal her lifestyle and her friends too. ... It was really cutting and everyone was listening to them. ... A few drinks had been sunk by the time Kate said it and Sienna had plucked up some Dutch courage too. She gave Kate as good as she got.

Sadie Frost, Kate's old friend and of course the sometime companion of Sienna's ex Jude Law, stepped between the two raging drunk idiots and brokered peace. Reports the source:

Sadie stood between them and reminded them that it was a wedding and that they should show some respect. Sienna was in the mood for carrying on the scrap but Rhys persuaded her to call it a night.

Sadly, no punches were thrown. It would've been hilarious to see pictures of these two knockdown alcoholic twits attempting to land bitch-slaps on each other's phony faces. I don't even know which slag to root for in this one - they are equally repellent. I guess I'd root for Sienna only because I find her marginally more amusing than Moss - although I think I'd enjoy seeing Sienna's face all bruised up more than I would Moss's, for some reason. And think of all the damage Moss could've done with those bony knuckles of hers.

(source)

All Aboard!

Monday, September 24, 2007


"Hop on the Posh Express baby. We'll take you on a one-way-trip...to someplace frigid where the sex is half-hearted and the boobs make noises like a fat person sitting on a leather sofa. Don't forget to visit the lunch car, where the special is a single pretzel and an algae shake. And of course all the porters are hot hot hot. Choo-choo baby..."

Victoria Beckham does something somewhere.

Britney's $6000-A-Day Habit


Britney Spears has a serious serious problem - she's a shopaholic. According to Tony Barretto, the world's most famous tattling former bodyguard, Spears will routinely burn through thousands of dollars a day just buying crap - despite efforts by Britney's handlers to curb her runaway spending. Said Barretto:

The other bodyguard and I would have to carry the cash which was delivered to us daily in a white money bag to pay for whatever she wanted to buy. ... She could certainly spend money - even in junk shops. In one, she spent $8,000 on stuff including an old chandelier. I spent 45 minutes putting up the thing for her and then it didn't work. Britney's response was, "Get rid of it."

Hmm...this Barretto guy may be a great snitch, but apparently he ain't shit as an electrician. I wonder what kind of chandelier it was anyway. One of those really classy ones that look like a wagon-wheel I'll bet. "I seen one of those in a Denny's and I always wanted one." This ain't exactly earth-shattering stuff Barretto is giving us, is it? Britney does dope, Britney's insane, Britney blows money faster than Robert Downey, Jr. in Tijuana. Why not give us something we can sink our teeth into Tony? Like, "Britney once read a whole book. It was a pop-up book, but it was a book." That would blow me away.

(source)

Hannah Montana Pregnancy Rumors


Relax Hannah Montana fans - despite what you may have heard, your favorite little budding starlet Miley Cyrus is not knocked up. Apparently, some fiendish, evil sort of person decided it would be humorous to spread a rumor that Miley, who's only 14, had gotten herself pregnant - but of course our precious little Miley, daughter of music legend Billy Ray Cyrus, would never do anything so foolish and irresponsible as have sex with a boy and get sperminated. She's a member of the Cyrus family, not the Spears or Lohan family. The Cyruses have class, not to mention talent - and most importantly, they have fantastic hair.

(source)

Slags And The City


"Did you see that homeless guy? He was like, blue, and there were all these flies swarming around him. And then that kid came and poked him with the stick...and he didn't move!"

Kristin Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon and Kim Cattrall shooting Sex and the City: The Movie.

Bloody Brad


"You can hit me all you want bitch! We ain't adopting another fucking one!"

Brad Pitt on the set of Burn After Reading

Courtney And Kate Are Buds


Disturbingly, it appears that Courtney Love and Kate Moss have become friends. How the hell did this happen? Did Satan decide humanity wasn't suffering sufficiently? Aren't hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, epidemics and Andy Dick enough Satan?

Britney's Bodyguard Blabs

Saturday, September 22, 2007


Tony Barretto - the ex-Britney bodyguard who testified to the singer's drug problems before family court - is on the loose and talking to magazines. Among Barretto's revelations - that Britney was involved in a wild drug-binge with singer Howie Day a couple of days after leaving rehab. Said the blubber-butt to News of the World:

[Britney] was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge—we thought she was dying.

Barretto claims that security checks were run on Howie Day, and that Britney was warned to stay away from him - but of course didn't listen. Then came a crazed phone-call from Britney, who was locked up with Day in his room at the Mondrian Hotel. Barretto recalls:

She said she wanted to cancel the tour. She was very confused. We asked her if she was OK and reminded her she had a show to do. Then Howie came on the phone and started arguing with us. We knew we had to get to her fast.

Barretto, another bodyguard and Alli Sims rushed to Britney's aid. Barretto describes what they saw when they arrived:

We could see Britney all red-eyed from crying. Howie was lying in his boxers asleep on the bed. The hotel room was trashed.

There were half-eaten plates of food everywhere. There were blankets all over the floor, clothes strewn everywhere. The trash was emptied everywhere over the floor.

The entire place was littered with empty beer bottles and liquor bottles, small glasses of ice and cigarette butts everywhere.

On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines.

By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.

Britney's a meth-head too? Christ, what isn't this chick on?

Barretto continues:

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she'd overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die.

There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she'd been injecting, or through her neck.

It was very distressing. Eventually we decided to get her out of there. We grabbed her and took her downstairs. All the time all she could say was, "I don't feel good."

In the car she was really odd. She kept asking for the air conditioning to be turned up because she was sweating so much. I knew that was a bad sign.

Somehow, we managed to get her to the gig and on-stage in time. When she started singing she was staring intensely at me. She was out of it. I kept telling the other guard she needed help but he said she'll get you if that's the case.

On the way home, she was making up strange songs and singing them in a weird voice. Then she wound down the window and started yelling, "I'm a rock star. I'm a rock star."

She thought she was a rock star? Wow - she was out of it.

According to Barretto, this was not the only time he saw Britney bombed out of her mind. Says fatso:

I saw her snort white powder on two nights out at Teddy's nightclub in LA. The first time, she was in a private booth. She was sat with another girl. The second time she had asked me to walk her to the rest room. After she'd been inside for about half an hour I poked my head round the door. There she was with a straw up her nose.

And, says Barretto, Britney was sometimes intoxicated in the presence of her kids:

There were times when Britney appeared to be under the influence near them. It was frightening. ... She has a whiskey stash in her pantry—and even if the children are close by, that doesn't stop her drinking. After rehab she didn't want people to see her boozing. So in clubs she'd have Jack Daniels and coke in polystyrene cups so it would look like coffee.

I noticed that when she was under the influence of drugs at home, she behaved the same way as she'd done on drugs at the club.

Adds Barretto:

I was worried about the children due to her erratic behaviour. She wouldn't talk to them at all and she would be in her own world.

I remember being in the hallway, and she was at the other end looking completely out of it.

She would be nervously chewing her fingernails and babbling away. We'd have to look after the kids while she went through her strange behaviour.

I know enough about drugs to know she was not being the normal Britney.

And if that's not bad enough, Barretto says Britney has a tendency to behave like a total psychotic around her kids even when she's not loaded:

Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she's happy. When they're crying or unwell, she's not sure what to do.

She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don't get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.

And says Barretto:

When they are unwell, her answer is: "Give the baby a bottle of medicine." I've never seen her deal with them like a full, attentive mum.

NOTW also has video of Barretto talking about Britney. Well, they've got him talking on video. It must all be true then.

(source)

Angelina's Frustration


Angelina Jolie is said to be frustrated that her efforts to save the world don't seem to be working out as well as she'd hoped. A source told The Daily Mail:

Angelina feels she is barely making a dent in the suffering she sees throughout the Third World as she travels incognito to different countries as a United Nations representative.

She wants to step up her action in what she calls Red Alert areas, the most seriously troubled, war-torn areas in the world.

She's in talks to go into Burma and help with students and AIDS victims who are suffering terribly.

But Angie is not only going to Burma to talk to students and AIDS victims - she's also reportedly negotiating to visit an orphanage there, and you know what that means. Yup. Adopted kid number four. But not the expected African playmate for Zahara - unless Burma has moved since I last looked at an atlas.

All right, so Angie's upset that the world isn't falling into line with her master-plan. That seems pretty typical to me - spoiled-brat narcissist shit thinks she can heal humanity's long-festering wounds, then gets angry when everyone doesn't stop their wars and corruption and corporate exploitation just cause she says so. So now she's going to hit some "Red Alert" areas...as she calls them. My God, I bet she has a big map too with thumbtacks in it - red ones for the bad countries, yellow ones for the okay countries and green ones for the good countries. Of course Angie only adopts kids from the red thumbtack countries. The green ones like America are full of blobs and other people who aren't worthy to even be in her presence. It never fails to amaze me, the self-importance of this woman. I mean, yes, being charitable is great, especially when you're rich. And I'm sure Angie probably has done some good at some point along the way. But getting frustrated and mad because the world isn't changing fast enough for you? Fuck sake Jolie, people have been killing and raping and fucking each other over for thousands of years - and you expect all that to end just because you're there? All the prophets and thinkers and wise folk who've inhabited the earth over the centuries couldn't do a damn thing to improve the human condition, and you think you should just be able to throw on some native garb and spout a couple actress-tears and - voila! - everybody's supposed to hold hands and sing songs? That's not just run-of-the-mill egomania kids - that's a sickness. This bitch makes Britney look stable by comparison.

(source)

Britney Heading Back To Rehab?


Britney Spears's support system, which basically consists of Cousin Alli and a couple of over-worked lawyers, is urging the idiotic potential baby-murderer to get her flabby no-talent ass back into rehab. And Britney is said to be amenable to the idea - maybe. A source told E!'s Planet Gossip:

She has said she’ll go again. But everyone is worried she won’t go at the last minute.

Of course - because Britney is the most impulsive, flighty person in the history of the world. Bitch changes her mind as fast as it takes a new thought to enter her addled brain. Can you imagine ordering breakfast at a restaurant with this twit? "I'll have the bacon and eggs. No wait the pancakes. No wait I want blueberry waffles. No I want sunny-side-up eggs and some toast with strawberry jam. Raspberry. I want a tall glass of pickle juice and an onion. I want to be raped by a one-legged Icelandic midget. No I'll just have the bacon and eggs."

Not to be cynical, but wouldn't going to rehab at this point be about the lamest, most predictable thing Britney could do? Get in trouble, go to rehab. It's tired. If Britney wants to impress me she should do something off the wall - like, I don't know, get her shit together and stop making a moronic spectacle of herself? That'd be a switch.

(source)

George Clooney In Motorcycle Crash

Friday, September 21, 2007


George Clooney was involved in a motorcycle crash this afternoon in New Jersey. Apparently George and his stripper girlfriend Sarah Larson were tooling around on a moped or some other manner of two-wheeled vehicle when they wiped it, suffering injuries that required attention at Palisades Medical Center. George was treated for a hairline fracture of a rib and road rash, while Larson was treated for a broken foot. Both were soon released. No word on whether either was wearing a helmet. George, however, was probably wearing a condom - he's so paranoid about impregnating anyone that he just wears one around all the time, to be on the safe side.

(source)

Britney Had A Bad Day


Something bad happened to Britney Spears today. This is testified to by the above picture, which was taken as she came out from seeing her lawyer. A witness said, "She parked her car, and then suddenly tears started streaming down her face." What could it have been? Did Britney, as some have speculated, fail her first court-ordered drug-test, putting her half-custody of the kids in jeopardy? Possibly. However, since these pictures broke, it's come out that Britney has other legal issues, stemming from an early-August hit-and-run incident. Charges were officially filed over that little dust-up today, including one count of hit and run causing property damage and one count of driving without a valid license. Yup - add Britney to the ever-growing list of dumb-ass celebs who've been nailed for driving without a license. Shit man - just get a fricking license, and if you don't have one, get a fricking driver. What the hell does it take for you bimbos to understand that?

Sorry, got a little carried away there. Returning to a more sober consideration of Britney's plight...

Stupid fucking bitch! What part of "You can't drive without a license" don't you understand? Are those big words? Jesus, would someone please just slap some sense into this dumb cow?

Again, I apologize...

Fucking hell Spears! Are you the dumbest fucking bitch on the face of the earth?! I can't take it anymore! My head is going to explode! How can anyone be that dumb?!

I need to lie down.

(Thanks to Crabbiefan MaggieC for the tip.)

(source)(source)

Frances Bean - What Can I Say?


Your name is Frances Bean. Your mom is Courtney Love. Your dad was Kurt Cobain but he ain't around anymore cause he "shot himself." I think it's safe to say you were sort of born behind the eight-ball. But you're not helping yourself out by painting your face like a street-walker. Oh I know, I'm mean. But I'm not - I'm just trying to help the girl. Obviously, she has not been surrounded by great influences. Her mom's Courtney Love after all. Frankly, I'm shocked the child isn't a total basket-case. That's a triumph in itself. The next step would be for Frances Bean to wash the gook off her face, take the crap out of her hair, stop partying and hanging out with people like Tallulah Belle Willis, go to school and learn something useful. Screw fame - become a doctor, a scientist, fricking contribute something to society. That's what you people don't get - I'm trying to make the world a better place by making fun of these people. I'm hoping that, by being mocked, they will see the foolishness of the path they're on and change it to one that will lead them to true happiness. I'm a benevolent Crabster. Don't you see?

Damn, that's an ugly kid.

Mayer Sings


"Went out with a chick. A chick named Jessica. I buried my face in her big old boobs and everything was all right. Mmm I say it was all right. But then one day we were laying in bed. And I was stroking those big old boobs. And I felt something warm and wet against my leg. And then I smelled poo. And I looked down...and do you know what I saw? A big old turd laying there on the sheet. And I said, 'What the hell is that about bitch?' And Jessica said, 'Sorry John but I just had to go. You know sometimes a girl just has to go.' And I said, 'Yeah Jess, you're right. Sometimes a girl just has to go.' And I told her to go. Get right the hell out of my face and take her steaming smelly turd with her. She cried but I didn't care. Cause I'm a guitar-playing white boy who can get any woman he wants. Or any man for that matter. Mmm-hmm all right yeah playing the blues like a white man..."

John Mayer at VH1's Save the Music Gala

Brainless Britney



Britney had Sean Preston yesterday - and how did she decide to spend time with him? By taking him shopping. With a gazillion paps around. Cause there's no better way to bond with your child than by dragging them through hordes of ravenous assholes setting off flash-bulbs in your face so he can watch you try on dresses. And yes, Britney is sucking on a pacifier in that video. Did you hear me people who decide such things? She's sucking on a pacifier. And you determined that this woman was fit to care for children.

No Rehab For Degenerate Skanks


Lindsay Lohan has apparently stolen some dude away from his wife while in rehab. The guy, Tony Allen of some band called Dead Stays Alive, has allegedly been getting busy with Lohan in bathrooms and such - and now this has gotten back to the guy's wife, a British heiress named Stephanie Allen. Reports MSNBC:

A friend of Tony’s wife spoke to the Mirror about her pal’s devastation. “She has had it, period. They tried forever to have kids. She went through IVF three times and suffered two miscarriages, and when they finally got two beautiful babies, he hooks up in rehab with a girl half his age. All Stephanie wanted was for him to be a good husband and father.”

Oh, Steph - he's a rock and roller, don't you know that type? I mean shit, it's one thing to be attracted to some dude cause he's dangerous and stuff, quite another to be naive and silly enough to think you can make him settle down and become "a good husband and father." He wouldn't even quit dope for you Steph - he had to go to rehab to get his shit straightened out. And you're surprised he'd fuck around? You ain't gonna be bringing the potato salad to the MENSA picnic any time soon, are you Steph?

As for that little slut Lohan - well, what do you expect? She can't do drugs anymore so she's gotta replace that with something. Her old man tried to get her to accept Jesus into her life, but for some reason that didn't take. And knitting doesn't really seem Lohan's speed. So that leaves sex. Lots of sex. And where better to meet hot, messed-up rocker dudes than in rehab? Shit, Lohan's in hog-heaven there - except for the no-drugs thing.

(source)

Keira Knightley - Professional Peddler Of Stupid


Keira Knightley thinks the paparazzi are stealing her soul. If you ask me she should be more worried about what not eating is doing to her body, but whatever. Here's what Keira said:

I believe the Aborigines say that every photo takes away a bit of your soul. It's very odd but I think there's definitely some truth in that.

Right Keira. And here's another statement that has some truth in it: You're an idiot. Actually, there's more than just some truth in that statement - it is total 100% truth. It is indisputable that you are a dim-wit. And don't give me a bunch of crap about your mother and father being artists - intelligent, talented people occasionally give birth to mutts.

Seriously Keira - getting your picture taken steals a bit of your soul? So what's it called when you accept a bunch of money to have your picture taken by professional photographers and then put in magazines? Selling your soul? So what you're saying is that it's fine with you if the camera takes your soul away, just as long as you get paid.

Whores only sell their bodies Keira - so what does that make you?

(source)

Let The Bastard Rot In Jail


Icky Sean Stewart has learned that he will have to stand trial for an alleged assault against a married couple. The June incident, which took place after a party, saw Sean and his hooligan friends attacking an SUV belonging to Tobalus and Ericka Stein, who happened to be inside said vehicle during said assault. The victims claim Stewart and his pals smashed the truck with bricks and a trash-can, and Ericka says she was hit by one of the bricks and also wound up with a back full of broken glass. The attackers were finally repelled by Ericka's husband Tobalus who picked up one of the bricks and threw it back at them, unfortunately not braining Sean Stewart.

Stewart's attorney Dana Cole claims her client is only being targeted because he's famous, saying the Steins are after his money. Um...more precisely, Dana, they would be after Rod Stewart's money. And if anyone's being targeted for being famous here it's Rod - cause, you know, Sean ain't actually famous except for being Rod's son. Rod, it seems, is the real victim here. Oh yeah, and the two people who were sitting there minding their own business when these drugged-up barbarians came out of nowhere and started smashing their car with garbage cans and bricks.

(source)

Terrence Howard Likes Fake Booty


Terrence Howard is getting busy with Kim Kardashian and her giant fake ass. Says Page 6:

A spy spotted the star of the new E! reality show, "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," arriving and "making out" with Howard at Tenjune and then Butter last week. "They were all over each other," snitched the onlooker. "She was sitting on his lap and he was rubbing her butt."

Terrence Howard must have an enormous lap. And enormous hands shaped like canoe-paddles. I also like the name of Kim's show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The problem with that is, when you finally catch up with Kim, you immediately bounce backward about ninety feet and have to pick yourself up and run after her again. Seriously - Kim Kardashian has a reality show? I thought after Brooke Hogan, Tori Spelling and Britney Gastineau they'd run out of useless skanks to build shows around - but I guess I was wrong.

(source)

New Vanessa Hudgens Pics

Thursday, September 20, 2007


There are more pictures of Vanessa Hudgens floating around. I'm not sure if they're real new or a little new or what - I only know I never saw them so they're new to me. Most of them are pretty boring but there are a couple that are semi-naughty. Like Vanessa showing her butt and Vanessa sticking her middle-finger up. Pretty much the same stuff Avril Lavigne does on a daily basis except Avril's not in Disney movies so no one cares.



How this works is, I post the pics, and then I boldface keywords like Vanessa Hudgens, naked, nude, naughty, hot, sexy and butt. And sit back and watch the traffic not roll in.



Does that say "no fucking?" Um...right Vanessa.

Longoria Drinks Sewage


What's that icky green crap Eva Longoria drinks? And is that stuff in fact responsible for her oh-so-natural complexion?

And who is Tony Parker talking to on his phone back there?

"Yeah baby, I'll be right over, soon as I lose the bitch. Yeah, I'll remember to bring my plastic fist. Love you Hank."

Britney's Learned Her Lesson


Being ordered by that judge to take drug tests twice a week has really wised Britney up, hasn't it?

Federline might just as well start getting the house ready, cause those kids are his.

Jessica Simpson Passes Out Drunk In The Street


"John, why... Why did you dump me John? I promised I wouldn't poop the bed no more."

Jessica Simpson shooting her new movie Major Movie Star.

Courtney Love And Kate Moss?

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


What exactly is Courtney Love up to? First we hear that she was kissing Pete Doherty while visiting the junkie in rehab, now we see her at a swanky party posing with Doherty's ex Kate Moss? And what's going on with Courtney's face in this picture? She looks almost attractive. Like Madonna just before she became completely old and beastly.

Reports from the swanky party say Courtney accidentally stepped on the train of Kate Moss's ridiculously expensive vintage dress and tore it. Apparently this wasn't the only damage Kate's dress suffered during the night, because by the end of it, the poor thing looked like this:




They're Really Shooting A Sex And The City Movie


Sex and the City: The Movie began shooting in New York today. The first pic features Sarah Jessica Parker making-out with Chris Noth aka Mr. Big on the sidewalk. By the way, I know Mr. Big. He ain't that big. Not as big as Mr. Big Stuff and Mr. Giant Penis Man, anyway.

McConaughey In For Wilson


Matthew McConaughey has taken over for Owen Wilson in the new Ben Stiller movie Tropic Thunder, which Wilson had to drop out of after his "misfortune." Variety says the part is really small, almost a cameo, so we won't get to see much of Matthew and his pecs (and his creepy munchkin-arms). What I want to know is - how was Matthew McConaughey not cast in a movie called Tropic Thunder to begin with? A movie with that title needs to have Matthew McConaughey in it. Just like a movie called Pitiful Whining Bastards Who Can't Get Over Their Movie-Star Ex-Girlfriends needs to star Owen Wilson. Some things are just meant to be.

(source)

Another Brad And Angie Appearance


Brad and Angie hit the New York premiere of The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford. I'm waiting for the premiere of The Assassination of Angelina Jolie By the Blob Shiloh Nouvel. "You called me a blob! You called me a blob!" Psycho-music playing. Blood swirling down the drain.

(By the way...is it just me or is Angelina going bald?)

Britney Is Toast


A judge decided to take pity on Britney Spears and allow the 50/50 custody-split between her and Kevin Federline to continue. The judge did, however, impose a bunch of conditions on Spears - now Britney must be drug-tested twice a week, must meet twice a week with a parenting coach who will observe the way she handles the kids and must enroll with Kevin Federline in a joint "Parenting Without Conflict" program. Spears and Federline were also both told that they must abstain from drinking alcohol or consuming non-prescription drugs for at least 12 hours before seeing the kids.

Who here thinks Britney has any chance of hacking it? Please. There's no way. She can't hold it together for 12 minutes without pouring something into herself or popping something or taking something rectally. Obviously, the judge believed former bodyguard Tony Barretto when he testified that Britney had "issues of nudity and drug-use." The judge said, "based on the evidence presented, the court finds that there is a habitual, frequent and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol by (Spears)." Ya think?

Hilariously, the judge also ordered Britney and Federline not to make derogatory remarks about each other. So now Britney's not allowed to call Federline a shit-eating ape anymore, and Kevin may no longer refer to her as a smelly whoring booze-monkey. That's the kind of court order that can take the joy right out of life, I tell you.

(source)

O.J.'s Woman Is A Winner

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


This is O.J. Simpson's woman Christie Prody. Mmm...she looks like she smells good, eh? I'm getting that cigarettes and stale urine vibe. She also doesn't look like she's big on washing her hair. Maybe she likes it all sticky with jizz.

Britney Custody-Loss Story A Total Load?


At this hour, I have no idea whether Britney Spears is keeping her kids or not. The story that came across last night, courtesy of Fox News, said she had temporarily lost custody and the kids were being handed over to Federline. Now US Weekly says that, according to the firm Britney's new lawyer works for, yesterday's hearing merely reaffirmed the original joint custody agreement. Maybe it means something that TMZ never went with the Britney losing custody story (at least not that I can find) - their sources never confirmed that, so they acted like real journalists (for once) and didn't post it. I guess the lesson is that Fox News is about as reliable for celeb stories as it is for political ones.

(source)

Paris Doesn't Do Drugs...


...she just suffers from occasional bouts of vertigo...



...and likes to climb fences like a monkey.

Paris Hilton's wacky night.

Scarlett Johansson And Ryan Reynolds


Let's be honest - if two people who looked like that moved in next-door to you, you'd move out wouldn't you? Or at least buy a gun.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds at the airport.

Matt Damon Makes Vanessa Hudgens Wet


You kinda had a feeling saucy Vanessa Hudgens would be into something a little more developed than prissy Zac Efron with his perpetual hat-head and wannabe David Cassidy thing. And indeed it's true - Vanessa, it's been revealed, has the hots for the considerably more-mature Matt Damon. The oft-naked High School Musical star and newly-minted internet sensation told Tyra Banks she's been carrying a torch for Damon since junior-high:

I was 14 years old and I met him. I completely freaked out. Like, I did to him what my fans do to me. I was like, "Ohmigosh, I love you so much, can I have your autograph?"

Aw, ain't that sweet? Vanessa had a little schoolgirl crush on Matt Damon. I bet she took a naked picture of herself and emailed it to him. The message probably said something like, "We're legal in Kentucky, you know." Wonder if Matt bit on that. Probably not if he had to go to Kentucky - I mean there's a limit to what a guy will do for pussy, even stuff that young and tight. Assuming Vanessa was still tight when she was fourteen. Shit, bitch had probably had her first vaginoplasty by then. Mark my words - when all the shit comes out about Hudgens, she's gonna make Angelina Jolie look like a prude. "Angelina was kissing boys at five? That ain't nothing. I gave my first blow-job to the doctor five minutes after I came out." Nasty little tart.

(source)

Michael Jackson - He Works Hard At Being A Freak


It ain't easy being a freak like Michael Jackson. That shit takes a lot of work. For example...according to Page 6, it took stylists three hours - yes, three hours - to get Michael's hair just right for a recent Italian Vogue photoshoot. Can you imagine - having to be that close to Michael Jackson for three freaking hours? Those stylists deserve more than hazard pay - they should get some kind of medal from Congress. They should have a memorial right next to the Vietnam one in Washington.

This story begs the question...why the hell does Italian Vogue like Michael Jackson so much? No one in America wants this bastard's face on their magazine, except tabloids that are trading on his freakishness, but Italian Vogue is actually putting the creep on their cover. I ask again - if Europeans are so intellectually superior, how come they haven't figured out Michael Jackson is a sick boy-fondling freak? They must still view him as a legitimate entertainer over there, otherwise Italian Vogue wouldn't think they could move magazines by putting him on the cover. I guess Europeans are just more tolerant of baby-dangling pedophile sickos. That's what some call sophistication.

(source)

Pete Doherty And Courtney Love?


Courtney Love and Pete Doherty may be romantically involved. It's been reported that the two rocking junkies at the very least shared a kiss when Courtney went over to lend Pete moral support as he struggles through rehab. Said a source:

Pete respects Courtney for the struggle she's faced, one that, like his, seemed insurmountable. ... He's turning a corner now. And having support from one of rock's greatest survivors is a great help and inspiration for him. They had a brilliant talk. ... It was touching to see them share a tender kiss after the visit. They share a common bond as both are musicians with a self-destructive streak.

A "self-destructive streak?" That's putting it mildly I'd say. I mean, have you looked at Courtney's face lately? That shit's destroyed, along with everything else on her. And Pete - well, there isn't much left for Pete, is there? The best we can hope is that the bastard abstains from adopting anymore pets that he then turns into little crackheads so he can laugh at them as they stumble around and try to fly. Yeah, these two would be perfect for each other - Courtney the husband-killer and Pete the cat-junkifier. God, I'm just sitting here picturing that kiss. That disgusting sore-ridden mouth of Courtney's pressing against Pete's cracked and swollen lips. Courtney's fingers lovingly, knowingly caressing Pete's needle-marked arm. Well, look at the bright side - maybe they'll kill each other.

(source)

Look Out Affleck


How bad does Jeremy Piven want to bone Jennifer Garner? Hmm...I wonder if his mom would even let him.

Breaking News: Britney Loses Custody

Monday, September 17, 2007


Britney Spears has temporarily lost custody of her two kids to ex-husband Kevin Federline, according to Fox News. The decision to hand Sean Preston and Jayden James over to their father was made based on "information that Los Angeles Family Court received over the weekend about Spears." This could refer to testimony entered by Britney's former bodyguard Tony Barretto, who told the court in a signed declaration that Britney has had "issues of nudity and drug-use" since leaving rehab. Barretto was in court today with attorney Gloria Allred, but though he was available for cross-examination by Britney's lawyers, they (perhaps tellingly) chose not to ask him any questions. Britney's people have since tried to discredit Barretto, painting him as a disgruntled former employee who was canned for "causing problems." Allred refutes these assertions however, saying Barretto was fired because of a specific instance in which he "did not hear [Britney] when he was asked to pick up her hat."

A further sign that Britney's situation is fast unraveling came late today, when Britney's manager Jeff Kwatinetz abruptly dropped her, citing circumstances that "prevented [her management] from doing their job." The rats, it appears, are deserting the sinking ship.

(source)(source)

Update: Someone Wants To Kill Kevin Federline


The FBI and LAPD are currently investigating a possible threat against Kevin Federline's life. "Reliable sources" tell Entertainment Tonight that, for the past two months, law enforcement has been following leads in the case, which involves a contract hit. The FBI has also reportedly attempted to contact Federline and warn him of the danger, but there's no word yet on whether those attempts were successful.

I don't know who out there would want to kill Federline - one of the five people who bought his album maybe? Oh, that's right - those five people are all members of Federline's family. Why would one of Federline's relatives want to kill him? Everyone loves Kevin. He's such a great dad and stuff. Seems silly that anyone would want this guy dead.

(Mexico's not far Britney - you can still make it.)

(source)

Update: The FBI says they never had anything to do with any investigation into whether someone took out a hit on Kevin Federline. The LAPD say they investigated a threat a couple months ago but have since closed the case. Kevin Federline, as far as I know, is still alive and lame.

(source)

Madonna Thinks She's A Jew


Madonna has decided to declare herself "an ambassador for Judaism." This might not have been quite so embarrassing had Madonna not made the statement while in Israel, in the presence of president and actual Jew Shimon Peres. Apparently, Mr. Peres does not mind Madonna going around pretending to be Jewish - he actually invited the dumb cow to his official residence and exchanged gifts with her. I understand why people like Madonna want to be seen with people like Peres - it gives them the illusion of credibility - but what the hell does Peres get out of it? A blow-job?

(source)

O.J. Arrest Video




O.J.'s being held without bail in a Las Vegas jail. The charges against him are expected to include two counts of robbery with use of a deadly weapon, conspiracy to commit robbery, burglary with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon and coercion. Clark County District Attorney David Roger said of the charges:

He is facing a lot of time.

Unless you bastards fuck it up the way Marcia Clark and the rest of those clowns did.

By the way, TMZ has audio some guy made of the robbery with his voice recorder. O.J. seems a bit perturbed.

(source)

Surprise Witness Could Doom Britney's Custody Try


Britney Spears's custody battle with Kevin Federline could be about to take a major turn, thanks to a surprise witness who has entered testimony concerning Britney's drug-taking. Via Fox News:

Forget reports that the “secret” witness doesn’t matter or won’t be heard. In fact, last week [attorney Gloria] Allred filed a signed declaration from the witness, described only as a man who’s had close observation of Spears' behavior with her kids.

The judge in the closed hearing case, Commissioner Scott Gordon, has the declaration, and does not have to rule on it. He can simply read it and enter it into the case’s existing papers. The only way the witness would testify is under cross examination. In other words, the declaration has already served as testimony. It would only be if Spears’ side decided to question that the witness would be asked to speak.


The witness has supposedly testified that Britney took drugs in the presence of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Fox's Roger Friedman says the man, whose identity is still not known, is believed to have solid credentials.

In other Britney legal news...TMZ is reporting that Brit's lawyer Laura Wasser has withdrawn as her attorney, citing Britney's unwillingness to follow her advice. So Wasser told Britney to stop going around flashing poon and Britney wouldn't listen, and now Wasser's out of there. I ain't no lawyer, but it looks to me like Britney is - what's the legal term? Up shit creek without a paddle?

(source)(source)

Amy Winehouse Messes Herself Up Again


Amy Winehouse is seen clutching a bloody rag and looking distressed. Let me guess - she was building a birdhouse and hammered herself on the finger. Ooh, that smarts. No wait, I know - she opened a can of soup and cut herself on the sharp edge. Gotta be careful with those things Amy.

Oh, wait, of course...I know what happened now. She was putting on her beehive and got bitten by one of the giant bugs that lives in it. Aaaaaah. Giant beehive bugs. Everybody run.

Britney Booted From Chateau Marmont


Britney Spears can now add getting blacklisted by the Chateau Marmont to her long list of accomplishments. The banning, says the Sun, came after an incident in which Britney, apparently wasted, sickened everyone in the hotel's restaurant by smearing food all over her face. But she abstained from showing everyone her vagina? Things may be looking up then.

The Sun says the food incident was really the straw that broke the camel's back for Britney's relationship with the hotel. She was often showing up there inebriated, plus management was sick of all the photographers that were always trailing her. Kicking Britney out was a pre-emptive strike meant to avert a true disaster - like Britney going all Anna Nicole in one of the suites.

Let's face it, after the Anna Nicole mess, posh hotels like Chateau Marmont are going to be extra-sensitive about admitting melting-down celebrities. But thankfully there are low-rent chains willing to take up the slack. Motel 6, for example, is introducing a special half-off rate for washed-up blondes with mental problems. The deal includes extra puke towels and a 25% off coupon from a funeral home.

(source)

Teri Hatcher - Rock Star


"All by myself. Don't wanna be all by myself..."

Teri Hatcher performing with Band From TV at a post-Emmy party.

O.J. Screwed

Sunday, September 16, 2007


O.J. Simpson has been arrested in Vegas. He's expected to be charged with three counts - conspiracy to commit armed robbery, armed robbery and armed robbery with a deadly weapon. Basically, armed robbery. Robbing someone while armed. With a weapon. A deadly one. That could've killed somebody. If it were possible to charge someone with being a complete idiot, O.J. would probably get that one too. Actually, let me just charge him with that now. And let me also charge him with being a psychotic murdering lunatic. Wow, this is fun. It's like I'm my own police.

(source)

Jodie Kidd Buys Drugs On Video, Bashes People Who Are More Famous Than Her


British tab News of the World has obtained video of model Jodie Kidd doing a drug deal. They got the footage by having one of their reporters pose as a potential financial backer for some new business venture Jodie is trying to get into (offer Jodie money and apparently she will do anything). The video, taken with a camera the reporter smuggled into a hotel room, shows Jodie lying on the couch setting up a drug buy over the phone (the reporter apparently suggested buying the drugs to Jodie). Having worked out the details, Jodie puts on her jacket and leaves with the reporter. NOTW says that Jodie and the spy then went to Jodie's brother Jack's manor house in Windsor, where the drug dealer showed up in a car. The reporter handed some money to Jodie who then gave it to the dealer in exchange for the drugs. At this point, Jodie's brother is supposed to have said, "Next time you come, give us some warning. We will get a load for you. Take it one bag at a time."

The crafty reporter also got Jodie to hold forth about certain famous figures during dinner. Jodie boasted of her friendship with David and Victoria Beckham at one point, saying:

I go to all the World Cup parties up at the Beckhams'. That's why I know David so well. It's through Victoria when she started getting into fashion many years ago. I did a show with her and she kind of attached herself.

The reporter then asked Jodie if she thought Victoria was a model. Jodie replied:

No of course she's not. She's certainly not a model. ... Can you imagine her? If you have a look in magazines now it's her new perfume and there's a picture of her. Urrgh.

Jodie then said of Posh's domineering nature:

She wears the pants, which is amazing because he is the one who could have anyone in the whole entire world.

Jodie also bashed fellow cokehead Kate Moss, saying:

Kate was very cool but she got a bit affected. They get very affected by stardom. It goes to their head.

And of Naomi Campbell:

She's a fucking monster! ... If there is something that she can get out of you, if you are a client, she's a darling, she's lovely! But anyone that isn't going to pay her and give her whatever she wants, she'll treat like rubbish and I can't bear that.

And Liz Hurley gets it too:

She's at my agency. She did the Monsoon campaign after I did. One employer was like, "she's a nightmare." She is very, very, controlling.

Jodie Kidd sounds like a fun chick to party with. I'm guessing Pete Doherty has already gotten her phone number.

(source)

Stamos, Not Bombed


John Stamos, looking like an aging muppet at EW's pre-Emmy bash.

Rumer Takes Another Stab At It


Chinzilla tries again at Entertainment Weekly's pre-Emmy party. She almost looks female. Maybe she should try long hair? Or perhaps a goalie mask?

A New Reason To Hate Paris

Saturday, September 15, 2007


Paris Hilton used to just be rich because her family was rich, but now Paris is herself, individually, rich as fuck. That's because, according to sources that may or may not be credible, Paris's grandfather Barron Hilton has decided to release to his precious little angel her full $120,000,000 inheritance. All in one lump sum. Reportedly, Barron had been withholding the money pending evidence that Paris was mature enough to handle it. Now, apparently, Paris has proven herself worthy, and Barron has given her the dough.

And you thought Perez sucked up to her before...

(source)

O.J. Had A Damn Good Reason For Robbing That Guy


O.J. Simpson now claims his "sting operation" in a Vegas casino hotel room - the one that allegedly featured him and his cronies pulling guns on a memorabilia dealer - was actually an attempt to recover some lost childhood pictures. Via TMZ:

According to auction house owner Tom Riccio, who says he tipped Simpson off and arranged for him to meet with sports memorabilia collector Alfred Beardsley, Simpson just wanted his childhood photos returned. When he found that Beardsley had a collection of his pics, Simpson "got all worked up," said Riccio.

It's usually not a good thing when O.J. gets "all worked up" is it? Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman found out what can happen when O.J. gets "all worked up." Sounds to me like what O.J. needs is a prescription for some nice anti-getting-all-worked-up medication. Then maybe he would find better ways of dealing with conflict - ways that didn't involve slashing throats and robbing people at gunpoint.

(source)

Owen Wilson At The Beach



Today in ghoulishness: Let's all look at this blown-up picture of Owen Wilson's wrist scar. Well, I guess he did really slit his wrists - all you naysayers must feel stupid now, huh?



Look it's Kate and Dax. Cute couple, eh?

(Now calling Hell to confirm my reservation.)

Update: Now O.J. Has A Real Robber To Find Too

Friday, September 14, 2007


O.J. Simpson is being accused of participating in a robbery at a Vegas casino hotel late Thursday night. According to some dude named Alfred Beardsley, Simpson and several other men stormed into his room and made away with a bunch of memorabilia, including the suit O.J. wore the day he was acquitted of murdering Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Via TMZ:

Beardsley tells TMZ he had arranged to meet with someone last night who was interested in buying the suit and other Simpson memorabilia. Beardsley says the man was actually a member of Simpson's crew. He says the men stormed the room, two of them with guns drawn.

Beardsley says the men claimed to be police officers. OJ and others demanded that Beardsley and two other men surrender their cell phones. Beardsley refused to do so. Beardsley says the group stole every piece of memorabilia in the room, including items signed by Joe Montana. They also took a case of never-released leather editions of Simpson's book, I Want to Tell You.

Beardsley told TMZ he was uneasy about the arranged meeting and did not have the suit in the room when the six men entered.

O.J. has already been questioned by Vegas police but was not put under arrest. He is currently in a white Bronco being driven very slowly from Vegas back to L.A. No, I'm kidding. O.J. knows better than to use a white Bronco anymore - his new one is red.

I'll tell you, that O.J. can't catch a break can he? First he has these crazy white folks accusing him of slashing people's throats. He manages to squirm out of that one, but then they take all his money away in civil court. So he tries to make a few bucks by writing a book about how he would've killed Nicole and Ron had he actually done it, and everybody gets mad about that. And now he's got cops all up in his face just because he tried to get his old suit back? That's his suit damn it. He should be able to sell it, not that Beardsley guy. Whole thing's an injustice. A god damn injustice.

(source)

Update: Apparently O.J. has confessed to taking the memorabillia, which he claims is his property, but says he didn't break into the hotel room.

(source)

Federline Cozies Up To Farrell's Ex-Flame


Kevin Federline took time out from pretending to be a good dad to have some fun with Colin Farrell's old sex-tape friend Nicole Narain. According to People, Federline first met up with Narain at L.A.'s club Vice - a source says Narain "made a beeline" for Kevin the second she saw him (cause she didn't want anyone else snatching up that irresistible hunk of man?). The two parted with a kiss after dancing, but were back together again a couple hours later at club Opera.

Okay - so now we need some outrage. That Kevin, always out partying. What about those babies? Anyone? No?

Double-standard.

(source)

Natalie Portman Works With The Disabled


Natalie Portman takes time out from her busy schedule to shepherd a mentally disabled young man about town. That Natalie - she's a sweetheart I tell you.

"Look at the lady in the window! She never blinks Natalie!"

"Shh, that's a mannequin sweetie."

"I like the lady who never blinks! One time I went in the store and tried to marry her but they made me go away! They told me my penis was inappropriate!"

(Pssst...it's her boyfriend Nathan Bogle.)

George Clooney - Icky Old Man


"These young whippersnappers today with their trousers sagging to their kneecaps and their underwear showing - they just don't appreciate the advantages of cinching your pants way up high. Just look at mine. See how pulling them up emphasizes the package? Of course you have to have a nice belt and some Mr. Rogers sneakers to complete the ensemble. And a shirt Eddie Vedder used to use for wiping up his floor after he and the band had drunk a few too many cocktails and fucked a few too many fifteen-year-old girls. Damn, I am hot."

George Clooney on the set of his new movie Burn After Reading (which should be called Burn After Wearing).

Courtney Love's Face Is Rotting


Which new FOX reality show will Courtney Love be featured on: Plastic Surgery Gone Really, Really Bad or When Animals Attack The Lips of Former Rock Stars?

Oh Courtney - your nose and chin are still pretty crooked. Better take yourself back in.

"Sorry Courtney, but there's only one option at this point - sanding your face completely off and drawing a new one on with a magic marker. At least then you won't scare children...quite as much."

Joaquin Phoenix Is Looking...Chipper


I know something about Joaquin Phoenix I didn't before - he passes out on his right side. At least someone was nice enough to pick the gravel from his cheek and stick him in a suit before sending him wherever the hell this picture was taken.

"Hello, I'm Joaquin Phoenix, the inventor of water, light and the magic toilet that transports you to the land of Honah Lee when you flush it. Would you like to smell my tie? I just puked on it a little, but it's okay because my puke is invisible ever since I was raped by that leprechaun."

Joe Simpson - Creepier Than We Ever Thought


Joe Simpson may have given up on daughter Jessica's career, and now he's just trying to get the bitch married off so he doesn't have to deal with her anymore. That's one explanation, at least, for why Joe would've been seen at a recent Vegas party trying to set Jessica up with some random piece of meat he encountered. Said a source to US Weekly:

Joe was chatting to a handsome guy and told him Jessica was single. He gave the hunk his assistant's number and said he'd set him up with her.

So let me get this straight - Joe Simpson's at a party in Vegas, and sees this hunky dude, and figures it would be totally cool to just walk up to the guy and start pushing his idiot daughter off on him. Like every man in the world is just supposed to start drooling like a dog at the thought of being able to have sex with Jessica Simpson. I guess Joe figures she's the hottest thing on God's earth to him, so she must be to everyone else. If he wants to have sex with her, then everyone else must too. I'm actually surprised Joe would be so eager to share Jessica. Maybe he's hoping that, if she screws a lot of other people, she'll pick up some new tricks. He never has been happy with the way she gives hand-jobs, I'm told.

(source)

This Is What It's Come To For Reese


"Oh, look over here! I've been injured! I can't get up off the grass! I need some big burly man to pick me up and carry me to safety! Help! Help! Distressed woman over here! Great opportunity for some strong man to prove his chivalry! Hello? Big strong horny man with giant schlong?

All right, fuck all of you then..."

Courtney Love Pretends Not To Want Attention

Thursday, September 13, 2007




Oh Courtney, you're so important, sweeping along the sidewalk. Everyone is so fascinated with you - the same way they're fascinated with the bearded lady and the guy with no limbs who can strike matches with his teeth.


Winehouse Buys Some Face-Paint


She's not wearing ballet slippers? What the hell?

Ledger Rebounds With Used-Up Old Model


Heath Ledger is getting over his break-up with Michelle Williams by romping with sun-damaged model Helena Christensen. According to Page 6, the two were at New York's Wakiya Tuesday night, "making out throughout dinner" - nice to know they have no regard for their fellow diners. Heath and Helena then reportedly hit an after-party for the movie Eastern Promises at the SoHo Grand, then went to the Spotted Pig. They were probably sucking face with each other the whole time. People who behave like that in public should have their lips sewn together - see how much fun it is then, assholes.

(source)

Donald Talks To Rosie - A Crabbie Exclusive


Rosie. This is your good friend The Donald. Ha ha. That was sarcasm Rosie. I am not your friend. I had to make sure you knew that was sarcasm because I know you're not very smart. You need a lot of things explained to you Rosie. And I'm going to explain some things to you right now. First of all, no one gives a rodent's backside that you used to smash your fingers with a New York Mets baseball bat that you got on bat day when you were a kid. That is the sort of thing that a crazy and very dumb person would do. Also, no one cares that your mommy died when you were 10 and left you feeling alone. Mothers die Rosie. Just like everyone else does. If we all went around smashing our fingers with New York Mets baseball bats that we got on bat day every time someone died we would all have very sore fingers all the time. And then who would do our typing and give us massages? There would be no one Rosie. Because everyone would have fat swollen fingers all the time. Which is what your fingers look like even when they're not broken. They look like little sausages. I'm surprised you can even work a zipper with those things. I've seen more supple digits on a gorilla Rosie. One of those ones that communicate with humans through sign-language. Those are truly miraculous creatures. You on the other hand are nothing but a revolting pile of dung. Nothing sickens me worse than people exploiting their childhood traumas for financial gain. Why don't you also tell us all about when the other kids called you a fat cow and made you sad? I need a good laugh today. You are truly a pathetic person Rosie. Everything you've ever tried to do has failed. But you just take your frustrations out on other people the way you used to take them out on your fingers. You took them out on Barbara Walters by saying she should retire in your new book Celebrity Detox. Barbara Walters did you a favor by letting you be on her show The View and now you rip her and call her old and washed-up. That is a very vindictive and mean thing to do Rosie. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you do the world a favor and get on one of your sick diseased lesbian cruise ships and just sail off into the sunset? You and the rest of your maladjusted muff-diving friends. Lesbians make me sick Rosie - unless of course they are young and hot. Then I enjoy them very much. My dream is for my daughter Ivanka to have hot lesbian sex with my wife Melania. Then I would oil myself up and join in. I would invite you along too but it would only make me and Ivanka and Melania puke.

The Arms That Sicked-Out London

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Madonna's running around showing her arms again. I've become convinced that Kabbalah is responsible for all those icky veins sticking out. I think her circulatory system is sick and tired of all the pseudo-religious nonsense and is actually trying to escape her body. Bit-by-bit, Madonna is rebelling against herself. Soon there'll be nothing left but an empty head and a really gross vagina.

Defending Britney


I guess it shouldn't surprise us that there are nitwits out there in the world who are willing to stick up for Britney Spears. If people can be crazy enough to pierce their cocks, become pen-pals with serial killers or support the Republican party, then they can be crazy enough to think Britney isn't a complete wash-out.

The king of crazy is obviously this Chris Crocker individual. If you haven't seen Mr. Crocker's performance, well, you haven't lived (full disclosure - I only got through the first ten seconds before I had to shut it off).



I really don't know what to say, other than I hope that person gets serious psychiatric help, and soon. And that they are unable to procreate.

Almost equally crazy is the individual who whipped up this video, an attempt to demonstrate that Britney's staggering, uncertain "dancing" was actually the result of a damaged heel:



The Britney VMA footage has become the new Zapruder film. If you look really close, you can see the outline of a guy with a peashooter, who was shooting peas at Britney and distracting her. Also, I think she may have impaled that poor dancer when she stepped on his back. Bad enough having some chick in stilettos use you as a stair - when she's carrying as much weight as Britney, that's a recipe for a kidney kabob.

(Thanks to Crabbiefan Adele for the tip.)

Keira Knightley, Her Pusher And His Chinese Girlfriend


No, I'm kidding. She's Korean.

Mary-Kate Olsen Single


Icky vampire freak Mary-Kate Olsen has dumped her boyfriend Max Snow. Said a source to In Touch Weekly:

They broke up mainly because she was in L.A. and Max was in New York, which made the long-distance relationship tough.

Yeah, okay, whatever. Sorry but I never buy these explanations for why people break up. Some insider says it's this that and the other thing but in reality it's something else entirely. In this case, I'm guessing Max just got tired of waking up with all his blood drained. "God damn it, how many times do I have to tell you? I need that blood to live!" Probably better that they broke up then. Plus, Ashley doesn't have to be mad at Mary-Kate for going out with someone Ashley doesn't like. Creepy twin-love wins again.

(source)

Just What You Needed - More Britney/VMA Details


More details of what went on around Britney's horrific VMA appearance are coming out. Item number 1, via US Weekly, is that Britney cried out, "‘Oh, my God, I looked like a fat pig! I looked like a fat pig!" as she exited the stage. Apparently Brit saw herself on one of the big screens set up around the auditorium. And that was a really big screen too - gigantic. And still only half of Britney would fit on it.

That was awful. I sort of apologize.

Britney VMA meltdown item number 2 is even juicier. According to former publicist Jonathan Jaxson (who, like Crabbie, is too cheap and/or lazy to procure a non-blogspot domain), Britney was seen snorting blow just moments before going on. It's been pointed out by some people that, had Britney really been doing blow, she probably wouldn't have looked so sleepy and out-of-it when she came on-stage. That sort of depends on how much blow she did though. And whether it was actually blow or just some anthrax someone had lying around that Britney only thought was blow.

"I feel funny y'all. Like I got a cow disease."

(source)(source)

Happy Zahara


"Oh man, that was the best crap yet."

Angelina Jolie and Zahara.


Britney Wore Jessica Simpson's Hair At VMA's


This one-eyed dude at Vegas Confidential is reporting that, among the annoyances plaguing Britney Spears at the VMA's, was the fact that she was forced to wear Jessica Simpson's blonde extensions when she went on-stage. All right, not Jessica's actual personal extensions ripped from her own head, but her brand of extensions - Hair-u-Wear (as opposed to Hair-u-Eat, which is what Jessica wanted to call them until someone explained to her that they weren't spaghetti). Britney, apparently, wanted to go with brown locks for her big comeback show, but was overruled by her management team.

Hold on a sec - Britney has a management team? Since when? And when did bitch start listening to them? And why, when it was obvious that Britney was in no condition to perform, did they allow her to go on-stage? Is this management team actually a bunch of shady people hired by Kevin Federline to completely destroy Britney? No, of course not - Federline's the last person who would want to destroy Britney. Cause if Britney stops earning then Federline stops getting checks. Who the hell could want to bring Britney down so badly that they would set her up with a fake team that's actively sabotaging her career? It couldn't be that cabal of Alli Sims, Shannon Funk and that dancer Britney was splashing around in the hot-tub with? Oh my God - those people are so evil. Someone has to stop them.

Underdog? Where are you?

(source)

Kanye's Meltdown

Tuesday, September 11, 2007



He can't be serious, can he?

Proud Parents


Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne congratulate little daughter Kelly after her "triumphant" stage debut in a West End production of the musical Chicago. Yes, I'm sure Kelly was magnificent as Mama Morton - I'm sure she'll make everyone forget Queen Latifah. I'm sure that, in a few years, Kelly will have surpassed all the greats - Kate Hepburn, Eleonora Duse, Sarah Bernhardt, all of them. She will go down as the pre-eminent stage performer of all-time.

Sure. And I will soon have more traffic than Perez. Gimme a break Osbournes - the only reason Kelly got the part is because she's your spawn. It wasn't like she aspired to be an actress all her life, and worked her ass off to get parts, and put up with all the other shit real actors have to endure for years before they get their break - it was handed to her, because the producers wanted a name, and she has a name. But you stand up there and act like she actually did something. You Ozzy with your maniacal stare - without the drugs keeping you calm you'd just as likely bite Kelly's head off as hug her. And you Sharon, you fucking harpy - you're the most miserable, unpleasant bitch on earth, aren't you? Look at the three of you - the products of a dumb-ass MTV reality show. Yeah, you got over didn't you? Congratulations, con-artists.

Rachael Ray Has Devil-Nipples


What the hell was Rachael Ray thinking when she went out of the house like this? Does she honestly believe people are interested in seeing her sickening, saucer-sized nipples? And what's with that face? That's the kind of expression I'd expect from Jessica Simpson.

Rachael, you're already a big-shot on TV - why the hell are you doing dumb, low-rent things to get attention? You don't need it. Just do your little cooking show and whatever else. It's a nice little career. You make plenty of money. Put your nipples away. Sick twat.

Amy Winehouse's Finger Is About To Fall Off


Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are still alive, and moving around well enough to go out to places like the opening of Chicago on London's West End. There they saw Kelly Osbourne play Mama Morton - so that's how desperate theatrical producers are for publicity? Whatever. Amy actually looked halfway decent, her scrawny, tattooed, cut-up body mercifully hidden by a trenchcoat. Except, since this is Amy Winehouse, there had to be some evidence of physical distress somewhere.



Oh, it's the middle one too. That's the one Amy can least afford to lose. She uses it at least three times a day on her fans.

Heath's New Woman?


Holy cow - Heath Ledger and Debbie Harry are totally fucking! I mean, they're in the same place and they're touching each other, so, like, they have to be having sex, right? Right?

(Note to Debbie - Chic granny-glasses are still granny-glasses.)

Breaking News: Britney Spears Has A Vagina


"I'm gonna make everybody forget about that VMA disaster - by showing my poon."

Sorry Britney, but we've already seen your goods. We're sick to death of them. Also, it's a measure of how truly clueless you are that, in the wake of your humiliating exposure as nothing but a classless, no-talent has-been, you would behave in such a way as to not only not contradict this impression but absolutely confirm it. And in case we had any notion that you might've been justified in citing Sarah Silverman's mockery as a reason for your listlessness and disengagement on-stage - now we've been told that Sarah never rehearsed her bit, nor submitted it to MTV for approval. In other words, no one knew what Sarah was going to say before she said it, including you.

The final nail in the coffin for your silly blame-gaming comes via Page 6:

On Saturday, the day before the VMAs, Spears was scheduled to arrive at rehearsal at around 1 p.m. Our spy said, "She didn't even get to Las Vegas until 4:30 p.m. It was ridiculous . . . The production people at MTV were freaking out . . . Nobody can tell Britney what to do anymore. No one can control her. She is a mess."

It's also been reported that you arrived with a frozen margarita in your hand, and that numerous steps had to be cut from the routine because you were simply incapable of doing them. It looked to me like you were equally incapable of doing even simple steps, like walking forward. But you haven't the shame to simply slink away - doubtless you will soon be flashing your bits all over L.A. again, and calling up your buds at X17 to come and snap the pictures. At least you know how to do something right.

(source)

Posh Seems Confused


She dropped her car keys down her boobs again. Oh dear. Someone tell her...

Keanu Reeves Coming Out Of A Liquor Store


Thankfully, he doesn't appear to have just robbed it. Nice shoes by the way, Keanu.

Umm...Courtney?


Courtney Love thinks that by wearing freaky contacts she can distract us from looking at the rest of her face. Nice try.

Courtney has now officially passed the threshold between celeb-freaky and just plain freaky. She's chasing down Amanda Lepore and Jocelyn Wildenstein now. Soon she may even challenge the greatest freak of them all:


Rihanna Went Home With Timberlake

Monday, September 10, 2007


MediaTakeOut claims Justin Timberlake and Rihanna left a VMA after-party together last evening - despite Jessica Biel actually being there with Justin. Reports the site:

According to our source, who is a well known actor, Rihanna snuck out of the Palms hotel after-party with Justin and the two weren't seen again for the rest of the night. The insider told MediaTakeOut.com, "Justin and Rihanna were hanging out and [talking] for a while. Then they both got up all nonchalant and left together ... It was crazy because Jessica [Biel] was there and she was looking all over for [Justin] ... Poor girl."

Jessica - we'd like to feel sorry for you, but frankly, that's what you get for going around with a guy like Justin. Dude's incorrigible. He got one look at that fine little hussy Rihanna and that was pretty much it. As for Rihanna's alleged boyfriend Shia LaBeouf - well Shia, look at the bright side...Jessica Biel's probably available now. Maybe she likes little wired-up dorky dudes.

(source)

Orlando Bloom Plastered At GQ Awards


Pirates of the Caribbean star Orlando Bloom got drunk and started acting nuts at the recent GQ Awards. Reports the Daily Mail:

According to one witness, the 30-year-old actor "lost the plot and was slurring and falling around all over the place."

It appears Bloom abandoned his date for the evening and then went on a bizarre womanising spree. Artist Tracey Emin was the first victim.

"I really respect you Trace, I hope we can be friends for ever," he quipped, wrapping his arms round her.

Then he told supermodel Elle Macpherson "I just want to rub my face in your bosoms," while lurching towards her.

Welsh diva Katherine Jenkins was the only one of the three who seemed pleased by Bloom's advances.

"He couldn't help but touch her bottom but she left without him," says my source.


Sounds to me like someone's struggling with his sexuality. Orlando needs to just acknowledge who he truly is and get on with his life. He'll feel much better when he no longer thinks he has to act like a cad to prove he's not gay.

(source)

Britney VMA Post-Mortem


Yeah Britney - we puked a little inside our mouths too. While watching you sleepwalk through your wretched VMA "comeback" appearance. What a disgrace. Not that we expected much from you anyway - but damn, could you at least evince a modicum of professionalism? You can't even phone it in decently.

Of course, Britney has an excuse for her lame performance - she got upset after finding out Sarah Silverman was going to make fun of her. Yes, Britney has blamed her horrific act on Sarah Silverman, who came on right after her and made some joke about Britney's kids being "adorable mistakes." Brit-Brit just couldn't concentrate anymore after hearing what that mean Jew bitch was going to say about her, so she went out and flopped.

So now the Jews have killed Jesus and Britney's career. Will they never be stopped?

Seriously - Britney needs to quit with the lame excuses. Face it Brit - you flat-out sucked. You weren't ready. This is because you didn't bother rehearsing. And why didn't you rehearse? Because you have no discipline. And you have no one around you to keep your butt in-line - you've jettisoned anyone who might have whipped some sense in to you, and surrounded yourself with bootlickers like Alli. You got what you deserved you stupid cow. Now please, just give up the comeback shit. No one wants you back, and going by your performance last night, I'd say you don't really care that much yourself. So why persist? Suck your drug lollies and torture your dogs. Ruin your kids' lives. Fight with Federline. These are the things you do well. Singing, dancing and the rest of that stuff is just way too hard for you.

(source)

Kid Rock Hits Tommy Lee, Then Runs Away Like The Pansy He Is


Dirtbags Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got into an altercation at last night's VMAs. According to accounts, Tommy was sitting at a table with another dirtbag, Diddy, when Kid came out of nowhere and punched him. The two Pam Anderson exes then grabbed each other around the throats - unfortunately, Kid fled the scene before killing Tommy or being killed himself. Tommy was then escorted out of the building by security:



That guy had to touch Tommy Lee? God, now he's got those creepy bugs that science has yet to categorize too. The ones that crawled from Pam Anderson's bush and down the long expanse of Tommy's prick - an epic journey recounted in the new Jean-Jacques Annaud film Five Years on Tommy Lee's Shaft.

The cops eventually caught up with Kid Rock and cited him for assault, but there was no arrest. No one was more blissfully happy at the sight of two white men fighting than the myriad hip-hop artists attending the VMAs. Said Diddy while presenting an award:

I was supposed to be doing this with Kid Rock, but you know, we got to stop the violence. It's not just hip-hop artists that fight.

Of course, had it been two black artists fighting, they both would've ended up being beaten senseless by the cops and dragged to the pokey. See? Crabbie knows how to suck up to minorities too. I'm just like Hillary Clinton!

(source)

Boobies And LaBeouf



Rihanna wins the award for most perfectly spherical boobs of the evening. Her (cough) not-boyfriend Shia LaBeouf takes home the prize for most mugshot-like arrival pic. Come on, make a sex-tape. Be great for your careers kids. Shia - give us a nice look at your beouf. Pretty-please with shoogie-shoogs on top?

Mel B. Lets Her Husband Out Of His Cage For The Night


Melanie Brown and husband Stephen Belafonte at the VMAs. No one make eye-contact with Stephen. "Day-O, day-O/Daylight come and me wanna smack my bitch."

Gruesome Threesome


Why is Pam Anderson rubbing her boob against Peter Cetera?

Dang, good thing the VMAs invited Ron Jeremy, or that joint would've had no class.

Clueless


"They wake me up. They dress me. They stick me in a car. They drive me places. They tell me to go stand and get my picture taken. My daddy gives me the thumbs-up. They make me have sex with the boy, I forget his name, who's always stealing my eyeliner and panties. But it's okay cause they let me have pizza sometimes."

Ashlee Simpson at the VMAs.

Tell Him What He's Won Don Pardo...


An MTV Moon-Man statuette! And his choice of any of these fine well-reamed skanks! Or maybe he'd like to choose the mystery-prize behind door number 3!

Justin Timberlake at VMAs

Britney's Pitiful VMA Appearance

Sunday, September 09, 2007



Britney got her weave fixed up for her big VMA-opening number - I guess that was the shocker we were supposed to be looking forward to. And where the hell were the Criss Angel effects? Damn - I was hoping she would at least do something crazy like drop trou and take a big dump on the stage. Bitch was just plain boring.

("It's Britney bitch." Oh damn - this chick thinks she's being all cool and hard-ass. Stop me laughing before I choke.)

Alli Sims Hangs With Shannon Funk



Ever get the feeling that all this celeb stuff is just a big put-on? You know, a lot of contrivance and fiction? That these feuds are all just soap opera junk dreamed up by publicists? That the stars all get together in places where there are no photographers and laugh their asses off at us for buying into their silly bullshit?

Brad And Angie In Toronto


Brad and Angie have moved on from the Venice Film Festival to the Toronto Film Festival. The Toronto one must be more casual, going by the unbuttoned state of Brad's collar. It ain't full-on making-out-with-my-brother action, but Angie does seem to be behaving more affectionately toward Brad than usual. Maybe he slipped her something - in her drink I mean.



Hudgens Not New To Nude Photos

Saturday, September 08, 2007


The Vanessa Hudgens nude photos currently making the rounds of the internet are not the first the actress has taken and passed around, a source has told People magazine. According to the anonymous tipster, Vanessa once took naked snaps of herself and emailed them to Drake Bell, star of the Nickelodeon show Drake and Josh. A rep for Bell said of the now-infamous Hudgens internet nudie pics:

Drake says he never received those photos.

So what does that mean? Vanessa sent Drake photos but he never got them, or the ones he got were different from the ones that are all over the net? And what of the fact that, reportedly, the now 18-year-old Vanessa sent the nude pictures to Drake "a couple of years ago?" What does a couple of years ago mean? Was this bitch taking nudie pics at 15 and emailing them around to Nickelodeon stars? Also, what does this new information make us think of Vanessa's apology, and Disney's statement that she committed a mere "lapse of judgment?" If someone does the same thing over and over that they're not supposed to be doing, that indicates more than a tendency toward bad judgment - it indicates a total lack of judgment.

Vanessa has not, contrary to some reports, been booted from High School Musical 3. But if nudie pics of this girl keep popping up the way they have been, Disney's not going to have much choice but to kick her to the curb. Which would be great for her, since she's already pretty much decided to go the shameless skank route.

(source)

Viggo de Bergerac


Viggo Mortensen at a Toronto Film Festival press conference for his movie Eastern Promises. Way to dress-up there Viggo. Gosh, he got old and reddish fast, didn't he? Nice mental-patient haircut too. It almost goes with his Cyrano stache.

Jake And Reese Do Toronto


Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon appear at the Toronto Film Festival in support of their movie Rendition. Are they deliberately trying to look uncomfortable with each other, in some weak-ass attempt at making us think they're not going out? Or are they just really that uncomfortable with each other? Or, is Jake just uncomfortable around women in general? Or does Reese see a hair on Jake's shoulder that she's not sure she should reach over to pluck? And what the hell is Jake looking at? Did a clown just come in on really high stilts?

Look Out Sienna...


Britney Spears is in Vegas for the VMAs. Here we see her partying with Sean Combs who, as we know, has a taste for white girls. Thankfully, Britney remembered to put both her blue contacts in this time - so no more David Bowie look.

The whole world is abuzz about Britney's upcoming VMA performance. That's a kind way of saying that we're all waiting with breathless anticipation for the meltdown we suspect we're going to be treated to. The chances of Britney getting through even one song without a disaster befalling her are almost zero.

Update: Vanessa Hudgens Technically Not Canned, Still Probably Out Of HSM3

Friday, September 07, 2007


Vanessa Hudgens has reportedly been fired by Disney in the wake of her little internet nude pic scandal. Said a studio insider:

It was an extremely hard decision to do. Vanessa has become a part of the family, but we felt it was irresponsible of her to do what she did.

Sure. Like all you old Disney suits weren't on the web looking for that pic so you could wank to it. Bunch of freaking hypocrites. Whatever. Vanessa had her five seconds - now she can go apply at Denny's or something. Meanwhile, Zac Efron is still employed by Disney - but didn't it say somewhere that Zac was the one who took the naughty pic? Doesn't that make him at least as culpable as Vanessa? What, they weren't his tits, therefore he gets off scot free? How do we know Zac wasn't the one who actually leaked the pictures? Double-standard again, man. Fucking shit.

(source)

Update: A rep for Vanessa Hudgens is denying that she's been fired by Disney. According to this rep, Hudgens was never actually employed by the studio, and therefore could not actually be canned by them. However, it is still being reported that Hudgens is no longer being considered for High School Musical 3 - which amounts to a firing. Also, it appears Allie is Wired, the site that first broke this "story," may have fabricated the whole thing. They linked originally to an US Weekly posting that said nothing about the firing, and also ran the quote I posted above, which they attributed to a Disney insider. Someone over there, I think, got a bit creative.

Mary-Kate Olsen Doesn't Get It


Mary-Kate Olsen refuses to be seen in a bikini, because she doesn't want people making fun of the fact that she looks like a skeleton in an anatomy lab. Said Mary-Kate:

I would love to be able to swim in the ocean in Malibu. But that is asking for a bikini shot. That's inviting something that I don't want to happen. I don't need to be on a "Who's Skinny, Who's Fat, Who's Looking Healthy, Who's Not Eating?" list.

She doesn't mind being put on a "Who's Clueless" list apparently.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Gets Some Cash


I don't think I've ever seen anyone so committed to maintaining their image as Amy Winehouse. Seriously - bitch won't even go out to the ATM for ciggy money without pinning that disgusting beehive hairball thing to her head first. And of course she's got the ballet slippers going. Wonder if these are new, or if she had the bloody ones cleaned. Notice also that there's no line behind Amy. There are other people waiting, they just had to step back to avoid being overwhelmed by the stench.

Kelly Clarkson Needs To Hit The Gym


This is Kelly Clarkson singing before some kind of football game last night. I don't want to say that Kelly looks fat and dumpy, but...all right, she looks fat and dumpy. She needs to either work-out more or pick outfits that are more flattering. Or just take what's behind door number 3 - an all-expenses-paid trip to back underneath the rock she crawled out from.

Pete Doherty's Crack Cat


Pete Doherty gives crack to his cat - I don't know why, but he does. Crazy fucker has even gone so far as to make the kitty its own little crackpipe. The above picture, originally published by The Sun, purports to show Pete in the act of giving kitty a hit. Here's what one of Pete's friends allegedly said about the crackhead feline:

Pete thinks it’s hilarious to get [the cat] wasted. ... But the kitten is starting to get really bad withdrawal symptoms. It has lost some of its balance and takes huge risks jumping over things that are too high. It thinks it can fly. It’s really distressing to see.

Some have rushed to Pete's defense, claiming the dude in the picture isn't him. But come on - does anyone doubt that Pete would do this? He already gave pot to a penguin in front of witnesses, and had a cat that needed medical attention because it ingested cocaine. Fucker obviously thinks giving drugs to animals and watching them stagger around is funny. There's your sensitive, misunderstood artist for you.

(source)

Britney And Alli - Buds Forever (Or At Least Until The Deposition)


Alli Sims is going to fold like a cheap tent when Kevin Federline's lawyers start grilling her about Britney's bad parenting - so it's probably a good idea for her to hang out with Britney as much as possible until then, and accumulate lots of stuff. Here we see the two of them sporting matching Versace handbags. Britney is also carrying an inhaler of some kind - so what, she's asthmatic now? Is that going to be her new excuse? Lack of oxygen to the brain?



"Anybody know where I can get me some class? What do you mean they ain't selling that stuff?"



"This is some good caffeine here. You know I put this stuff on the boys' Apple Jacks in the morning. Gets 'em goin'."



Oh my God - a cheap hooker mugged Britney and stole her bag! Someone call the cops...

"It's me y'all. Had you for a second there didn't I?"

Avril's Style


Avril wears some of the clothes she didn't pack up and send to Katrina after the hurricane thing. I see she's been dyeing her hair with grape juice again. Silly silly...

Clive Owen Is Disheveled

Thursday, September 06, 2007


Clive Owen hit The Today Show to promote his silly new movie Shoot 'Em Up. I think Clive might've been out the night before, how about you? Hoisting a few with the boys. But keeping his hands off the ladies of course - Clive is a devoted family man. Uh-huh.

Johnny Depp Cleans Up


Johnny Depp popped into the Venice Film Festival to present his frequent collaborator Tim Burton with a lifetime achievement award. Apparently, Johnny considered this a special enough occasion that he ditched the wacky in favor of a regular old suit. He still looks like he combed his hair with a buttered pancake though.



Oh, that's usually the shot you see right before the movie star punches the photographer. He didn't though.

Maddox May Have Herpes


Brad took Maddox to a baseball game the other night as a belated birthday present. Apparently, Maddox is a big fan of Yankee dirtbag shortstop Derek Jeter. Maddox got a big treat when Derek brought him a signed bat (he also gave one to Spike Lee's son as we see in the picture). As we know, Derek has a habit of slipping long, hard objects to people - and often, when he does this, he gives them herpes. That being the case, if I were Brad Pitt, I would have that bat taken to a lab and tested pronto. In fact, the smart thing might be just to burn the damn thing, then buy another one and forge Jeter's signature and give it to Maddox. Kid'll never know the difference. Plus you'll be protecting him from getting a nasty infection.

By the way, how must the other kids feel, watching Derek give souvenirs to the children of the two rich, famous guys. Those poor jilted kids will now probably grow up to be terrorists. They'll probably go to a training camp funded by the money Charlize Theron makes from selling her snatch on street-corners.

Halle Berry, Officially Preggo


Everyone's reporting that Halle Berry is pregnant. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I did have that story almost a month ago. That's what happens when you don't bother with silly bullshit like confirmation. Anyway, now there's a pic that proves, beyond doubt, that Halle is knocked up. Or has somehow switched bodies with Kelis.

Vanessa Hudgens Nude Pic Is Really Vanessa Hudgens


I rarely if ever post about these nude pics that show up because, nine times out of ten, it turns out to not actually be the person it's supposed to be, but some random schlub who happens to kind of look like whatever famous person the image is supposed to depict. This time, however, the famous person shown in the buff really is the famous person - and we know because that famous person's rep has confirmed it.

The famous person, in this case, is Vanessa Hudgens, 18-year-old star of High School Musical. Apparently, her boyfriend Zac Efron took some pics of her in the buff, and now those pics have wended their way to the internet. By accident. Because, as we all know, young starlets like Vanessa never have naked pictures taken of themselves and then leaked to the internet in an effort to drum up publicity, not to mention help them shed their "goody-goody" image. Whatever. The pics are there and they ain't going away. Even as we speak, there are millions of fifteen-year-olds wanking to them. Hell, there are millions of forty-year-olds wanking to them. All right hundreds. All right, it's just the one creepy guy across the hall from me who's always asking me if I have any change. I'm pretty sure he's a sick pedo creep. Plus this kind of rotten meat smell always wafts from his room whenever he opens the door. I don't have any proof, but I think he might have killed someone and chopped them up. Or maybe he just needs to clean out his fridge. Fuck, I don't know - here's Vanessa Hudgens with no clothes on.

(source)

Avril Lavigne = Little Miss Humility


Pop-skank Avril Lavigne has bestowed upon us her own personal 10 Commandments, via Britain's Q magazine. I present them to you now in all their outrageously self-important, ignorant and twatty glory:

1. Deal With It. Selling 24 million albums hasn't really affected me, but it has changed things. I can't walk into a room full of people anymore without everybody turning their heads, and I can only eat in certain restaurants where I know I won't get hassled. But that's OK. I was born to do this, so I've learned how to cope.

(Selling 24 million albums hasn't affected me - I was always a completely self-absorbed bitch.)

2. Develop An Image. Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I'm tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way. It's good if you're not easily ignored. And I'm not.

(No Avril - you're not easily ignored. Just as a giant bug that's crawled up one's asshole and built a nest is not easily ignored.)

3. Don't Get Mad Get Even. I was 17 when my first album came out, and all of a sudden I had to spend my days doing interviews. Listen, when you are 17 you don't know how to hold a conversation with an adult, and you pretty much don't want to. But I learned to channel that annoyance into my music.

(You channeled annoyance into your music? That must be why it's so fucking annoying.)

4. Party Hard, But Not Too Hard. When I go to a party, I am the party! I'm the girl doing shots, jumping on tables, screaming and getting wasted. Am I advocating drugs? No! When I say wasted, that doesn't mean I go crazy. Drink in moderation. Be responsible, yeah?

(Is there anything more pathetic than a "bad girl" who feels the need to brag about her exploits, then still tries to get away with the positive role model shit by prevailing upon people to drink in moderation? What a fucking idiot this woman is.)

5. Practice Good Karma. I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, "Take it to Katrina!" I also like to give stuff to people who are my "workers," especially if they don't make much money.

(Um, Avril hon - you know what you could give your "workers" who don't make much money? Money. I'll bet they'd like having that more than one of your leftover candy necklaces. And I'm sure we all feel warm in our hearts over the fact that you gave all those boxes of clothes to Katrina. She really needed them after the hurricane thing.)

6. Be Grateful. It's important to be thankful, even if you're poor. I mean, come on, we all have clean water - well OK, not people in the developing world. It's important to remember where we came from, and just how lucky we are to be here.

(Did she just say even the poor should be thankful? For what? The six boxes of clothes Avril sent them after their houses were wiped out? This bitch can't get painful ass cancer and die fast enough.)

7. Advocate Spirituality. I'm not particularly religious, but I am spiritual. What kind? Feng shui, mostly, and energy. I'm good at picking up people's energy, like I'm receptive or something.

(Oh, you're receptive. So that means you conduct electricity well? You wouldn't mind if I hooked you up to this car battery and gave you a zap then, would you?)

8. Find Mr. Right. I got married last year, simply because I was lucky enough to find the right guy. Did I tame him? Hey, we were both party animals once, so we've tamed each other.

(A minute ago you said you were the girl dancing on the tables and getting wasted, but now you say you're not a party animal anymore? Who are you, Sybil? I'm sorry - that was an insult to Sybil. Her psychological problems were not nearly as horrible as the ones this fool Lavigne suffers.)

9. Extend Yourself. I want to get into movies next, a lead role in a super cool indie flick. I've been looking at scripts for the past two years now and most of them have been shit, but I know I could be real good at it. I have an agent now, and everything.

(I've got a script for you Avril. It's for a snuff film. You're the lead.)

10. Love Yourself. People love me and people hate me, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and that's what counts. And anyway, if you do hate me, you're the loser, not me.

(Right Avril. You're not a loser. The people who hate you are. Keep telling yourself that. Jesus Christ on a crutch, I have never wanted to strangle someone worse than I now want to strangle this bitch. Perez is right - this whore is the most insufferable individual on the face of the earth.)

(source)

The Three Fugskateers


Oh look, it's Maggie, Hilary and Demi all hanging out together at Fashion Week. Notice that Hilary and Demi interact while Maggie just sits there glowing with self-satisfaction. Oh she's so trendy and with-it. And braless. Nice saggy tits Maggie - fresh from being sucked on by your little brat I'll bet. Jesus, I can't decide what's more revolting - her circus freak burn victim face or her drooping National Geographic Special boobs. I never thought I'd see a picture where Hilary Swank actually appeared attractive, but compared to that wildebeest Maggie, she looks like fucking Greta Garbo.

Bubbly Ashlee


Ashlee Simpson is in New York for Fashion Week. Because she's such a style icon? Because women all over the world emulate her? Because every time I see her she looks more like a department store mannequin? I've seen grimy dish rags that were sexier than this bitch.

Clooney's New Piece Of Tail


George Clooney has himself a new girlfriend - a cocktail waitress and former Fear Factor contestant named Sarah Larson. Here we see them in Venice a couple days ago being all openly affectionate and shit. Hmm, wonder if Sarah enjoys beard burn. Wonder if she enjoys sucking down George's stale-booze breath.


I don't want to start a rumor, but...doesn't she sort of look pregnant?



Oh look, it's Bill Murray being all funny. Maybe he's doing his lounge singer Star Wars bit again. That never gets old. Or perhaps he's doing some of his great lines from the movie Caddyshack. It's in the hole? Really? Jeez Bill, is it ever not in the hole?

Britney Keeps It Classy



"Okay, I got one for you. You ready? What do massage therapists eat for dinner. You give up? Spa-ghetti! Don't that just kill you? Wait, I've got another one. What do bees do if they don't want to drive? Give up? Wait at the buzz stop. I should be a comedian, don't you think?"

Ding dang.

(Sorry Disher)


Ding Dung?

Chloe Sevigny's Top Is Watching You


Oh Chloe Sevigny - your off-the-wall fashion choices never fail to make us wonder about your sanity. "Tell your fucking outfit to stop looking at my girlfriend's ass."



Her glasses look like she left them in a place where they were exactly half in the sun and half out. Maybe she's trying to make a statement about the duality of man.

Jessica Simpson's Dog Is Sad


It's time for someone - PETA or the ASPCA or someone - to get up in the grills of these movie star assholes who drag their poor animals with them everywhere they go. I'm telling you, it's sickening - seeing the look of utter desolation on the face of some poor pooch who, instead of being allowed to frolic on the green grass somewhere, is constantly being dragged through airports, loaded into luggage holds and driven around in taxis. Don't these fuckhead stars have any compassion for their poor pets? Like that dimwit Jessica Simpson up there. If you asked that shit-for-brains why she feels the need to cart her pet everywhere she goes, she'd probably say some crap like, "I can't stand thinking of him all alone without me. He makes such a sad face when I'm about to leave. It just breaks my heart." Well I say phooey on that - cause that ain't the real reason imbeciles like Jessica schlep their despondent pups around like so much baggage. Jessica, like so many neurotic nincompoops, needs constant reassurance and comfort. She can't get through life without someone or something there to remind her she's "loved" every five minutes. And since she can't hold onto a man, then her poor little dog is going to be pressed into service. Silly, immature bitch can't get through life without something soft and fuzzy in her arms to soothe her dimwitted insecurities. Fuck you stupid whore, why not give the poor dog a rest and just take some sedatives? And by the way, when you're leaving and doggy gives you that sad don't-abandon-me-look? He knows you eat that shit up. He's playing you. The second you're out of sight he's like, "Yes, the dumb fuck is gone. Now I can shit all over the carpets, and break into the fridge and eat the rest of the tuna salad!" Stupid twit - it's a dog, not a little person. Stop projecting human feelings onto it. It doesn't have human feelings - it has dog feelings, which are just as real, but not the same. Trust me Jess - the dog doesn't want to go with you every time you pop out to the supermarket, or decide you need a little vacay in Aruba. You want to make the dog happy? Give him a nice shoe to chew on. He's a dog. That's all he fucking needs. He's not neurotic and stupid like you.

Update: Pavarotti About To Kick It

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


Famed tenor and pasta aficionado Luciano Pavarotti is on the verge of death, reports Italian television. According to E' TV Antenna Uno, family and friends have gathered at the bedside of an unconscious Pavarotti, who is said to be suffering from kidney failure. At this hour, starving people around the globe are gathering in the streets ready to celebrate the passing of the man blamed by many for the food shortages which have afflicted so much of the third-world.

(source)

Update: He's dead now. We can all go on with what we were doing.

Elle Macpherson Puts Paul McCartney To Sleep


Elle Macpherson sat with Paul McCartney at the GQ Men of the Year ceremony. She must be talking about her kids, cause Paul seems to have nodded right off. Either that or he died for a minute.

"Bligh me, I thought I heard John Lennon calling me name. Then Elle Macpherson started stroking me through me pants and I thought, 'What the hell. I'll stick around a day or two longer.'"

Yes, I know - English people don't say "bligh me." And they brush their teeth every day too.

Amy Winehouse Likes Her Some Free Booze


Amy Winehouse boozes it up at the Mercury Music Awards. Amy and her hideous husband Blake Fielder-Civil apparently bolted the ceremony right after Amy lost out to some band called The Klaxons. I can't say I blame them either - awards shows are bad enough on TV; I can't even imagine how lame and tedious they must be in person.

And for those who are worried about Amy drinking - just be grateful this wasn't a pic of her shooting heroin. I wouldn't put it past the bitch to cook up a hit right there in the audience with the cameras on her.

(source)

Keira Knightley Is A Ray Of Sunshine


Keira Knightley at the London premiere of Atonement. I'm not even going to say anything about that ludicrous dress, or the fact that the body it's on appears to belong to a decomposing corpse. I'm past all that. What I want to focus on now is Keira's obvious contempt for all the red carpet shit. I mean, I'm pretty sure there are lots of stars who hate having to get gussied up and parade themselves in front of photographers and drooling fans - they probably view this as frivolous and idiotic, and yes, I'd have to agree with them that it is. However, most of these people, when they have to haul themselves through one of these events, at least try to plaster a fake smile on their faces - you know, for the fans. Keira, however, prefers to scowl in her familiar way - because Keira wants us all to know how much she despises this part of being a star, how cheapened and diminished she feels by having to make a spectacle of herself. Keira, you see, is a sensitive artist - she makes films that probe the depths of the human soul, like and Pirates of the Caribbean and The Jacket, and all this other stuff is so horribly beneath her. Okay, fine Keira - you think it's crap. However, there are better ways of showing your disdain. You know, you could at least try to be witty about it. Make light of the whole thing by showing up dressed in some rag you pulled out of a dumpster. Or, you could always just, you know, not show up? I think the world would probably keep turning if you didn't put on your dumb-ass dress and stand there glowering like someone just invaded your privacy. But, I guess those options never occurred to you. You'd rather go with your painfully unsubtle "I hate everyone" approach. Maybe next time you could complete the image by wearing black lipstick and having a Cure song played as you stepped from the limo. Oh you're so deep Keira - just like that chick who works down at the Holiday station, who wears thick eye make-up and has Sylvia Plath quotes tattooed on her forearm. Dumb bitch.

Happy Family Times


Nicole Richie, Joel Madden and Nicole's little sister go for a stroll. I think they all might've stepped in a turd back there - damn, those are some unhappy looking people. Especially Richie's fugly sis, who looks like she'd rather sit on Papa Joe Simpson's lap than have to hang out with these two losers. Are they all holding hands in case a sudden fog blows in and they can't see each other?

Brad Does Dad-Stuff With Maddox


Brad took Maddox to a baseball game, and they sat next to Spike Lee. I'm sure Spike taught Maddox some useful things about sticking it to whitey the grand American game of baseball. It's kind of cute seeing Brad and Mad bond like that - especially without Angelina there sucking all the joy out of the experience for them. By the way, I'm pretty sure this video is old since I think they're all still in Venice, but you never know with this group. They move around some.