Keira Knightley - Yup, She's Pissed Again

Foodophobic actress Keira Knightley is once again cheesed that people keep beefing about her weight. Said Keira in a Reuters interview:

It's really frustrating, and particularly when you come to Venice film festival with a film that is an intelligent film. It's a thought-provoking film you can have a really good discussion about. I think it was just a shame that that had to be brought up then, and the fact that we all knew that it was going to be brought up.

The film she's referring to is called Atonement. Apparently it's a heavy piece of work. Or at least Keira thinks it is. You know, a really meaty film. Full of flesh and gristle. Food for your brain. And speaking of food - no, I'm not going to go there. Keira is so right. We spend too much time focusing on meaningless things like the way people look. We should talk about serious, important things like Keira's new movie. And what a wonderful actress Keira is. And how lucky we are to have people in the world like Keira who are willing to work so hard to make good, thought-provoking films like this one, and get paid millions of dollars to do so.

Of course, one wonders, when one is making millions of dollars, why one would choose to go around looking like one were dying of starvation. One would think that, with all her money, Keira would be able to hire a good nutritionist. But, we shouldn't focus on that frivolous stuff. Instead we should bask in the glory of Keira's talent, and the wonderful movie she has made. Oh Keira - thank you for the marvelous gift you have given the world.

Yes Keira, you are so generous. And now I want to give you a gift in return. It's a cheesecake. Yes, I know, you're not going to eat it - but I wanted to give it to you anyway, as a token of gratitude for all you've done.

Sorry, I'm being frivolous again. I apologize.

Damn, that is one frightening bitch. Seriously - that bitch could go to Ethiopia, and the natives would start giving her what little food they have, cause they felt so sorry for her. That bitch could go down to the worst part of Calcutta and the starving beggars would be like, "Damn, look at that poor, skinny bitch over there. Let's give her our last handful of rancid rice."

I know, I'm silly. I apologize. Especially to Keira. From now on I will be sure to take her as seriously as she takes herself.

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Masi Oka Is No Pervert (He Says)

Heroes star Masi Oka became indignant when asked by British reporters whether he has a crush on tarty little co-star Hayden Panettiere. Ranted Oka:

I'd like to remind you she's only 18. She was born in 1989. My God! I remember 1989 - I was in high school. And yet I heard she was number six in your 100 Sexiest Poll. What are you guys in the U.K.? A bunch of perverts or something?

Gosh, I hope Masi was joking - otherwise he's going to have a hard time explaining himself. Cause, you see, the poll he refers to was conducted by FHM magazine. Yes, the same FHM that featured Mr. Oka on its cover, being rubbed against by the aforementioned Ms. Panettiere. Masi hon - you're cute and we love you, but even guys who play super-smart sword-wielding heroes on TV don't get to have their cake and eat it too.

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Poor, Pitiful Aniston...

We all knew someone like this in school - that pathetic, socially-awkward wretch who would make friends with the cool kids by buying them stuff (never realizing, apparently, that the cool kids were only being nice to them because they wanted more stuff). Not everyone, it appears, gives up that ploy once junior high comes to a close - some find it so effective that they continue the practice well into adulthood, even middle-age. Jennifer Aniston, I'm sad to report, is one such loser.

Jennifer, it seems, has raised buying buddies to an art-form. The actress, who hasn't done squat worth mentioning since Friends went off the air, has become well-known in Hollywood for setting up lavish vacations, inviting people to go with her and then paying for everything - even clothes. Said a source:

She's like the sugar daddy everyone wishes they had, except she's a woman! You could call her sugar mama!

Or you could call her a sad excuse for a human being.

Of course, Jennifer has found plenty of people willing to pretend they like her in exchange for trips and swag. Courteney Cox and David Arquette were recently photographed hanging out in Hawaii with Aniston on Jen's dime, and such lesser-known individuals as Andrea Bendwald, Kristin Hahn and Jennifer's yoga instructor have also accepted her irresistible invitations. One wonders, given the success of Jennifer's efforts at friend-buying, why she doesn't just try the same thing on men. Hell, she could probably nab Brandon Davis for the price of lunch and a pedicure.

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Angie Takes The Blob To The Park

Angelina took all the kiddies out to the park yesterday - including Shiloh. I guess she decided the Blob wouldn't contaminate the precious adopted children with her icky privilegedness after all. Damn, that kid looks retarded. I think she and Sean Preston should have a play-date. They could torture one of Britney's dogs together, then have ice cream, then maybe smoke some ciggies and play with Angie's knife collection.

Oh, Britney...

And you expect people not to talk shit about you?

Toasted Sienna

Sienna Miller and her live-in couch potato Rhys Ifans went out to the pub and hoisted a few. I don't know about you, but I'd have to be at least three sheets to the wind before I'd let that Ifans character climb on top of me.



"Did you just call me David Lee Roth? That's a fucking insult. I have much more hair that David Lee Roth. Don't think you can just go around calling people David Lee Roth when they've clearly got more hair than David Lee Roth. And another thing...where the hell are my glasses? Bloody hell. David Lee Roth wouldn't be treated like this, I tell you that."

Heather Mills - Still An Asshole

We haven't heard much from Heather Mills lately - but rest assured, the one-legged gold-digging whore is still out there making a supreme nuisance of herself. Lately the pogo-slag, whose much-touted appearance on Dancing With the Stars failed to make her a big deal in America, has been renting a mansion in the East Hamptons, and causing local authorities plenty of headaches by parking her rented Bentley anywhere she pleases. Said a source to Page 6:

She's parking in front of fire hydrants and in handicapped zones without a handicapped tag.

Mills tried getting out of one of the recent tickets by popping off her plastic leg and waving it around in front of a cop - but thankfully the cop didn't buy it. Reportedly, the oh-so-mature Ms. Mills waited for the policeman to turn his back, then stuck her tongue out at him. Dear Jesus, why couldn't that motorcycle have run over that bitch's head instead of her leg?

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Dirtbag Smackdown: Coogan v. Love

Courtney Love let a big, nasty, scratching cat out of the bag when she accused Steve Coogan of turning Owen Wilson into a drug-addicted mess. Now Coogan has grown claws of his own and is coming back at Courtney. Said Coogan to Access Hollywood:

I do want to set the record straight and say that the allegations . . . are completely and utterly false.

Coogan followed this up by telling BlackBook magazine editor Steve Garbarino that Love used to stalk him. A friend of Courtney's fired back:

He has stalked Courtney over the years. ... He has gone to her house on several occasions. He e-mailed her nanny. He asked her to marry him and told her, "You're the most intriguing woman alive." You name it. His saying Courtney ever stalked him is the biggest lie ever! He has done nothing but go out of his way to hurt her. He's obsessed with her.

And these two used to go out. Those must've been some interesting dates. Kind of sad, these two obviously pathetic, attention-starved idiots using Owen Wilson's misfortune as an excuse to snipe at each other in public. I wouldn't give you a nickel for either one of them.

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Update: Paris And Greasy - Still Pals?

Paris Hilton hung out with Brandon Davis last night. Judging by this pic, I'd say Brandon asked Paris to borrow him some coke money. Either that or he scolded her for not letting his brother Gummi into her beach-party this weekend. Or maybe Paris, in a rare moment of self-reflection, just realized how empty her life was. Nah, he hit her up for cash. Broke-ass dirtball.

Update: Apparently it was Greasy's birthday last night. Someone scraped together the money to throw him a party at Mr. Chow. Paris did her duty by showing up, but split as soon as possible. Here's some funny video of Paris fleeing in her Bentley, leaving poor Greasy in the street:

Dude - take a hint.

Update: An Umbrella That Turned Into A Robot. Now That Would Be...Lame

Rihanna and Shia? Yes, this is the latest hot celeb couple. The sex-kitteny songstress who brought us "Umbrella" was seen having lunch with the Transformers and Indiana Jones 4 star in Beverly Hills, and now all Hollywood's talking about them. Reportedly, the two have actually been dating for months, but have done a good job of staying under the radar. Now all the paps will be on the look-out for these two. Good luck, you kooky kids.

P.S. - Shia. Do you think you could try a little harder to not seem like a dork?

(source)

Update: Rihanna denies she is dating Shia, and claims she "barely knows him." This means they are fucking like animals even as we speak.

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Paltrow Braves America

"What are you looking at, uncouth American photographer? How dare you point your dirty, disgusting, uncultured camera at me. Be gone ye ill-favored swine, lest your ghastliness cause me to regurgitate my sensible and healthy mid-day meal."

Gwyneth Paltrow in New York.

Amy And Blake On Vacay

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are on vacation in the Caribbean. They have gone there mostly to get away from their families, who keep insisting they stop doing drugs and trying to kill each other. The party-poopers.



"Remember when you were bombed out of your mind on drugs, and you said, 'Don't put your hand on my back or I'll rip your intestines out and use them as a jump-rope?' Ha. You were so fucked-up that night."



"It's called the sun, Amy. Yes, it's always been there. And that blue stuff around it - that's called the sky. Yes, sober people notice these things all the time. It's wild."

Rattlesnake!

"I ain't afraid of no snakes. I choke 'em to death with my bare hands, then bite the heads off and suck out the sweet, sweet snake-juice. That's how I get my pecs to gleam like this. I am so fucking manly."

Matthew McConaughey jogs through the hills.

Jessica Simpson Is Jealous - Again

Dirty preacher's daughter Jessica Simpson is jealous over the romance between ex-boyfriend John Mayer and his new squeeze, dog-faced Cameron Diaz. Jessica, we remember, was with Mayer for months before their relationship literally crumbled before our very eyes. It didn't take long for John to get back on the horse that threw him, but Jessica has remained single - and continues carrying a torch for John, according to her friends.

What, I ask, is the mysterious power of Mayer? Why is Jessica Simpson so smitten with him that, rather than use her tits charms to get a new man, she prefers wallowing in jealous misery, pining for him all the while? That must be some sweet man-meat John is sporting. Well, too bad for Jessica - cause he's shoving it in Cameron Diaz's various orifices now instead of hers. Oh, how happy those orifices must be too. How Jessica wishes those orifices were her orifices. But her orifices are hopelessly lonely - especially her favorite one, the one the poo-poo comes out of.

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Lohan Flunks Drug Test

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly failed a drug test administered by the medical director at the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah, where the troubled starlet has spent the weeks since her last DUI arrest. According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay was called into the director's office and ordered to take the test. The first hint that something might've been up came when Lindsay "screamed and cursed" at the medical director. The test has since come back positive, and Lohan has been warned by the center that if she doesn't stay clean she will be thrown out.

The terms of Lohan's probation, as outlined last week after she pled out of numerous misdemeanor charges, included a line about "staying away from all narcotics." No one thought Lindsay had a hope in hell of remaining drug-free for the three years required by the probation, but we did all at least think she might actually finish rehab before starting back in again. Alas, Lohan has so little control over herself that it doesn't look like she'll even make it to the end of the year before violating the hell out of that probation. So all of you who were disappointed that Lindsay only got a one-day jail sentence - just be patient; you'll get your wish.

(source)

Dancing With The Stars Becomes Even Lamer

Apparently someone was messing with us when they leaked that list of the participants for the new Dancing With the Stars. Now, the real, official roster has been released - and it is even lamer than the fake one. The updated line-up:

Aaron Carter - Most losery member of the Carter clan
Wayne Newton - Fake-faced Vegas fixture
Mark Cuban - Some rich guy with nothing better to do
Jane Seymour - Not the third wife of Henry VIII
Tori Spelling - Candy's precious little angel
Jennie Garth - That other blonde chick from 90210
Floyd Mayweather, Jr. - Guy who punches people in the face for a living
Lou Ferrigno - Muscle-bound retard
Nia Peeples - Some random chick
Richard Quest - Limey homo reporter
Gisele Bundchen - Steven Spielberg lookalike
Helio Castroneves - Race-car driver who keeps it on the track (unlike Nick Hogan)
Sabrina Bryan - Blonde with large breasts
Josie Moran - Model who is not Gisele
Cameron Mathison - Scary glowering freak
Mel B. - Lesbian wack-job
Marie Osmond - Mormon
Albert Reed - Even he doesn't know who he is

So the only interesting subplot, the whole Tori Spelling v. Jennie Garth 90210 alum showdown, is gone. Leaving us with nothing but speculation as to which woman Wayne Newton will hit on first. That's some scintillating TV folks.

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Keira Knightley Sucks In Her Face

Keira Knightley is at the Venice Film Festival with her new movie Atonement. Congratulations Keira - you have now achieved that magical state of ill-health where people are both concerned for you and frankly creeped out. Sorry, but slapping a bunch of make-up on doesn't help the fact that you now look like Maria Shriver's even freakier older sister. Yes, you may have exquisite bone structure, but that doesn't mean we want to see every little tiny detail of it. The flesh is there for a reason - so we don't lose our lunch every time you walk through.



So ghoulishness is in this season? I'll make a note of it.

Fergie Can't Handle Kiddie Rides

Man-faced pop-star Fergie decided to have a little fun at the Minnesota State Fair, where she recently gave a performance - unfortunately, her fun ended up being no fun for the other fair-goers, who got to witness the spectacle of a rich and famous person puking their guts out. Said a shocked bystander:

My daughter decided that she wanted to go down the "giant slide." We were waiting in line on the steps going up to the top of the slide, we look up at the top and there is Fergie with 3-4 big body guard types about to go down the slide. ... Me and my daughter stood there and watched as the Fug went down the slide...then Fergie gets to the bottom and blows chunks! Everywhere!

They had to close the slide down for about 20-30 minutes to get it cleaned up. She didn't even say sorry or anything, she just got up and her and the bodyguards left.

Jesus Fergie - you can't hold your pee-pee and poo-poo long enough to get through a two-hour stage show, and now you can't go down a kiddie-slide without hurling all over the rabble? That meth messed you up bad, didn't it? Your insides are like some crazy factory where everything's going ten times faster than normal and the workers can't keep up. Shit. Stay off the slides from now on, all right? Stick to the little pony spring riders. And stop dumping sand down the back of little Susie's dress too, okay? That shit might've been cute when you were six, but not now.

(source)

Michael Finally Gets To See Lindsay

After years of bitter wrangling, ex-con Michael Lohan will finally be having a face-to-face meeting with estranged daughter Lindsay. The reunion, according to Page 6, was the brain-child of Lindsay's older brother Michael, who was obviously paid off by their father. Papa Michael, it's reported, will travel to Lindsay's rehab in Utah later this week for the get together, which will take place under the watchful eye of counselors and snipers. Lindsay's mom Dina has apparently signed-off on the whole thing. Said a family friend:

Dina thinks it is a good idea. Lindsay needs to deal with this and needs closure.

Yes, closure. And the perfect way for her to get it, once and for all, would be to whip out a concealed shiv and stick the bastard right in the temple. Oh, that would be sweet.

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Courtney Love Insinuates Herself Into Owen Wilson Story

Courtney Love has managed to work the Owen Wilson unpleasantness in a positive, publicity-grabbing way for herself. The rocker, who in recent years has become a poster child for bad plastic surgery, says that her former boyfriend, Brit actor Steve Coogan, was to blame for Owen's downward spiral into drug addiction and attempted suicide, and that she herself attempted to warn Owen to stay away from the man. Very noble of you Courtney. And how predictable of you to toot your own horn about it, now that Owen is in detox.

Here's what Courtney had to say:

I went through it with Steve. ... I was just out of rehab, and he was right there with the drugs. ... I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends ... I hope from the bottom of my heart that Owen stays the hell away from that guy.

Not a ringing endorsement of Mr. Coogan. And apparently Courtney wasn't the only one with negative feelings about the actor. Owen's ex-girlfriend Kate Hudson also disliked him, and forbade him to enter their home. Damn - this Coogan sounds like the Grim Reaper himself. Of course he's now defending himself against Love's allegations. Said Coogan's rep:

These accusations are unfounded, unhelpful and hurtful to all concerned. ... We are taking legal advice.

And well you should, Steve Coogan's rep. Because Courtney is obviously just bitter that she no longer has access to Steve and his drugs, and is using all this as an occasion to get revenge on him by defaming his character. Besides, the whole thing is silly on the face of it. Is Owen Wilson not a grown man? Can he not make up his mind for himself whom he hangs around with? Love makes Wilson sound like a poor, impressionable high school kid who's fallen in with a bad crowd and needs to be rescued. Give us a break Courtney. Coogan may be an asshole, but Wilson is responsible for his own life. If he can't hold it together, that's on him. Besides, I'm sure Owen doesn't want you helping him. We know how things ended up when you tried helping that other lost soul Kurt Cobain. Owen may be depressed, but I'm certain he has no desire to end up having his head blown off.

(source)(source)

Britney Gets Cheeky

Britney Spears had an eventful day yesterday. First, she put this dress on. Oh, it shows my butt-cheeks? Tee-hee. Second, she ran out of gas in the middle of traffic in Beverly Hills and had to be pushed by the cops. This is why the Beverly Hills Police Department formed that special Britney Spears emergency unit. Then, after all that, dumb bitch went and got herself a parking ticket. I don't know what the record actually is for most unpaid parking tickets accumulated, but I've got a sneaking hunch Britney's getting close.

Angie Weeps, Brad Chills

Angelina visits the refugees in Iraq. She didn't win an Oscar for nothing.



Meanwhile, Brad takes a horse-drawn carriage ride with Zahara. Being from Africa, Zahara becomes confused any time she sees a horse or cow that isn't emaciated, shit-covered and swarming with flies.

Rudolph In Hiding

Britney Spears's former manager Larry Rudolph has elected to take it on the lam rather than be served with a subpoena by Kevin Federline's aggressive team of lawyers. Here is the statement Mr. Rudolph released today:

Despite the things that Britney has publicly said about our relationship in the past, I truly understand where she’s coming from and why she’s said the things she said about me post rehab and I don’t take it personally. As her former manager, I know and understand Britney better than anyone, I know what makes her tick and I understand everything she’s going through. With that being said, my loyalty will always stay strong with Britney. I have consulted with my lawyers and I do understand that eventually the time will come when they will find me, but until then, I’m trying to avoid being brought into this mess. She’s going through so much right now and I wish Britney the best.

Were Mr. Rudolph to be deposed by Federline's lawyers, he would be required to say everything he knows about Britney's parenting habits - so what does it mean that Rudolph would rather hide out than have to tell the truth? Does he know things that would damage Britney's custody case?

I don't know any more than anyone else about whether Britney is really a good parent - all we have to go on are rumors and tabloid stories and other equally dubious claims. However, it does seem to me that, if Britney were a wonderful mother, these people would have no hesitation in telling Federline's lawyers all about it. But Rudolph refuses to even deal with it, and we all saw Alli Sims's over-the-top reaction to being served with her subpoena. And now another bizarre story: Last night, Federline's people, including the ex-Israeli commando his lawyers have hired as muscle, tried serving some man named Sam Osama Lufti, whose exact connection to Spears is not known. Lufti, realizing what was happening, tried fleeing in his Mercedes, but only succeeded in smashing into some cars that were barricading his driveway.

No one, it seems, wants to be deposed in this case - and it can't all be chalked up to "not wanting to be dragged into it," as Rudolph claims. These people all know something, and Federline's lawyers know they know. And some of them are willing to go to absurd lengths to avoid having to tell what they know.

One day the whole truth will come out, and I suspect it will be ugly.

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Angelina Goes To Iraq

Meddling twit Angelina Jolie has flown to Iraq to "witness firsthand" the humanitarian crisis taking place there. The actress, in her capacity as a UN spokesperson, arrived in Damascus, Syria on Monday, and met with some displaced Iraqis (who no doubt begged her to adopt them). She then crossed the border into Iraq and poked around in a refugee camp currently housing about 1200 people. Jolie also "met privately" with troops in the area. Uh-huh. Yeah baby. What the fuck am I talking about?

Here was Jolie's official statement:

I have come to Syria and Iraq to help draw attention to the humanitarian crisis and to urge governments to increase their support for UNHCR and its partners. My sole purpose in both countries is to highlight the plight of those uprooted by the war in Iraq.

Yes Angie - you have drawn attention to the humanitarian crisis. Now everyone is going to be talking about it because of you. Actually, no - they're not going to talk about the crisis; they're only going to talk about you. Because whenever you do something, you yourself are the central issue. Maybe that's not the way you want it to be, but that's the way it is. The refugees and other downtrodden people will always finish second to you, and what you're wearing, and what Brad thinks of all this, and how noble some people find you to be, and how phony and self-serving others accuse you of being. So, in all honesty, isn't this "calling attention to the crisis" thing really just a crock of shit? It doesn't work when the star doing the attention-calling, by her very presence, overshadows the crisis. Sorry, but this is the fatal flaw in the whole celebs shining a light on the world's troubles argument. That way of helping isn't any help. The star ends up getting publicity, and the poor refugees end up still eating dirt.

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Unknown Wilson "Pal" Drove Him To Suicide Attempt

Actor Owen Wilson, whose proboscis and penis are apparently interchangeable, is alleged to have been in some kind of dust-up with a friend in the hours before his suicide attempt by wrist-slashing and pill-scarfing. The friend's name is not known, nor is there any detail as to what they may have been fighting about. I'm going to go with lover's quarrel, how about you? Owen Wilson's secret gay life. Yeah, that'll fly.

Meanwhile, friends of Wilson continue insisting that he's a good guy. A sample testimonial:

It's hard. He's such a wonderful person. ... He's such a great guy and so smart and just . . . nice. We're just hoping he gets better.

Translation: The next time the fucker tries killing himself, I hope he calls me over so I can hold his head under a bucket of water to make sure he's finished off. Hey, I think I just thought of a job for Michael Vick now that his football career is over.

It's also been revealed, suddenly, that Owen's life has been marred by bouts of depression. Yes, Owen Wilson is not the happy-go-lucky fellow we always thought he was - he has deep, dark, terrible secrets. Whatever. I still say he got upset over the Kate Hudson/Dax Shepard supermarket face-suck pictures. How guilty must those two feel? Again, we are shown the evils of groping in public. If those assholes had kept it to themselves, Owen may never have been pushed over the edge.

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Paul McCartney Picks One With All Her Limbs

Legendary stump-fan Paul McCartney was seen engaged in an intimate chat with mush-faced actress Renee Zellweger at a Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers show in The Hamptons over the weekend. Said a source:

Renée smiled and laughed and hung on McCartney's very word. She has a history of dating musicians and he's a legend, and single. He is also known to have a thing for younger women - and blondes.

Paul is also known to enjoy chicks whose limb-count doesn't reach the standard four. But those days are past him apparently - lately he's been seen going around with Christie Brinkley, and now the stuff with Renee. Both two-leggers. Although, in Renee's case, it's hard to tell if those are her real legs or bendy sticks. Bitch is getting skinny.

Friends of McCartney, by the way, insist his talk with Renee at the concert was innocent and friendly. Christie Brinkley, who was also at the event, did not see it that way however - she was reportedly "seething" at how much attention Paul was lavishing on Zellweger. Oh Paul, to be your age and still have the young babes fighting over you. Must be a boost to the ego. Although, for you, the most important thing is to just know you still have any kind of feeling at all down there. Yup, still works. Jolly good. Cuppa tea. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.

(source)

Pitt Flees Paps

Yes, of course - they saw Angelina coming.

Update: Britney Spears Is Being Investigated For Child Abuse

The L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services has begun conducting an investigation into allegations of child abuse against Britney Spears. Details are few thus far, but we do know that Britney and Kevin Federline's respective lawyers were called to court today for an unscheduled hearing, which included an attorney from the Los Angeles County Counsel. The exact whereabouts of Ms. Spears are not known, but she was pulled over by police on her way to Vegas this weekend, so it's possible she is still there. Kevin Federline, meanwhile, is in North Carolina shooting a guest spot on the TV show One Tree Hill. X17 has pictures of Sean Preston and Jayden James being taken care of by Britney's parents Jamie and Lynne at Federline's home in Tarzana over the weekend. The Crabster will try to stay up-to-date on more details as they come in, so we can all amuse ourselves at poor embattled Britney's expense.

(source)

Update: The Britney child abuse investigation, it's been revealed, mostly involves charges we're familiar with - the stuff about her not taking care of her kids' teeth, and keeping them up late at night so they'll sleep late in the morning, hence allowing her to sleep in. Similar complaints have been filed previously by Britney's mom unknown persons - going all the way back to when Britney and Kevin Federline were still together. So, I guess Britney's not the only bad parent in this equation.

(source)

New Dancing With The Stars Season Promises Greater Lameness

The cast of would-be hoofers for the new season of Dancing With the Stars wasn't supposed to be announced until Wednesday, but somebody decided to leak the news early, and now TMZ has passed it on to all of us. The roster of dancers for this year doesn't include any one-legged fame-whores like Heather Mills, but it does feature a whole lot of people you thought were dead, broke, living in the wilderness somewhere or just plain never heard of. Here's the line-up:

Aaron Carter - Most losery member of the Carter clan
Wayne Newton - Fake-faced Vegas fixture
Mark Cuban - Some rich guy with nothing better to do
Jane Seymour - Not the third wife of Henry VIII
Tori Spelling - Candy's precious little angel
Jennie Garth - That other blonde chick from 90210
Floyd Mayweather, Jr. - Guy who punches people in the face for a living
Lou Ferrigno - Muscle-bound retard
Nia Peeples - Some random chick
Richard Quest - Limey homo reporter
Gisele Bundchen - Steven Spielberg lookalike
Helio Castroneves - Race-car driver who keeps it on the track (unlike Nick Hogan)
Sabrina Bryan - Blonde with large breasts

Not all of the above are guaranteed to participate - some are merely subs who will jump in should one of the others be injured. The early favorite has got to be Gisele, who will just fuck all the judges, male and female. If I were one of the other women, and wanted to take some attention away from the model, I might consider having a limb whacked off - you know, for the pity points.

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Gummi Now Friendless

Jason Davis, aka Gummi Bear, never had great social prospects to begin with - but now they've gone away entirely, because the only person willing to party with him, Paris Hilton, has told him to get lost.

Gummi, who's been a fixture all summer at Paris's Malibu beach parties, showed up this weekend for another round of lounging in the sun like a dying cetacean, but was informed by Paris's people that he was no longer welcome. The explanation? Gummi has recently been plagued by a staph infection, and Paris didn't want the killer bacteria leaping from his slowly rotting carcass and onto the bodies of her guests, particularly the pregnant ones. An enraged Gummi stormed to the home of a neighbor and began texting Paris, but to no avail.

Life has been hard lately for Gummi - first we learned that his family had cut him and equally repulsive brother Brandon off, then the staph infection, then Paris telling him to stay away from her party. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for the poor, fat, stupid bastard. Almost.

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Not To Rub It In Owen, But...

...now there's video too.

Jesus Christ - just pay for your fricking groceries.

Way to ignore the paps by the way. Try to go easy putting the carts away though, Dax. It's easy to pinch a finger that way.

We Finally Found Something That Makes Zahara Smile...

Being carried by Brad. Yup, that would do it.



Brad looks like he's enjoying himself.



Pax is grinning from ear-to-ear.

Where's Angelina?

How come they all look so happy when she's not there?

Owen Wilson Probably Tried To Kill Himself

Word from tabloid land is that Owen Wilson's unfortunate drug-overdose episode was the result of a suicide attempt. Details are sketchy at this point, but apparently, one of Wilson's family members - perhaps his less-interesting brother Luke - discovered the actor in his Santa Monica home with slit wrists and an empty pill-bottle nearby. Oh dear - if the Crabster had a nickel for every time someone's found me like that, I'd have enough money to do away with myself properly.

Just kidding - the Crabster doesn't believe in suicide. Unless it's someone lame who deserves to die. Owen's lame but I don't hate him enough for me to wish him dead. He just sort of annoys me - but not so much now that he's away from that harlot Kate Hudson. And speaking of Hudson - is it just a coincidence that, on the same morning those pictures of Kate and Dax Shepard smooching in the grocery store popped up on the web, Kate's ex-boyfriend Owen tried to off himself? Wow - Owen must be really distraught about losing Kate. Way more distraught than you would expect a guy to be when he's still young and famous and rich and can easily get a much more interesting woman. But, love is a bitch I guess. It makes us do crazy, irrational things. Hopefully, Owen will be able to put this behind him and go back to riding the coattails of more popular stars like Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. Get well soon penis-nose.

(source)

Owen Wilson Taken To Hospital

Actor Owen Wilson has been taken to the hospital for treatment of what has been described as "a very serious condition." It's not fair to speculate without knowing the facts, but it was probably a drug overdose.

TMZ reports that, at 12:10 pm local time today, police responded to a medical assistance call from the Santa Monica fire department. Wilson, star of Shanghai Noon, was transported to St. John's hospital where, Perez Hilton says, police and a "high-profile" attorney were waiting for him. Wilson's situation was "grave" at first, but he has since been upgraded, and transported to another hospital. The Enquirer claims to have been told by inside sources that Wilson will be detoxed, though his reps plan on blaming dehydration.

A buck says Owen saw those pictures of Kate Hudson sucking on Dax Shepard and just couldn't take it.

(source)(source)

Tom Brady Is A Hot Hunk

Tom Brady is this week's Dotspotter hot hunk. He's a football player, but as far as I know he's not a dog-murderer, so that's good. I think Tom's got a little Matt Damon vibe going only he's better-looking than Matt and not quite as naggingly pubescent. Gisele Bundchen certainly seems to like him - and Bridget Moynahan did before he knocked her up and dumped her. Oh, you dirty, dirty dog Tom. Well at least you showed up for the birth. You didn't spike something and do a dance after the kid came out did you? That would've been...awkward.

Paris Gives The Extensions A Rest

Paris decided to hit the Malibu Beach House without her extensions. She did remember to wear her huge-ass ring with the "H" engraved in it. That's her way of telling everyone she's a "hore." Yeah, she doesn't know how to spell it.

Kate Hudson And Dax Shepard Make Me Ill

Someone needs to tell Kate Hudson and Dax Shepard that the produce section of their local supermarket is not the appropriate place to start groping each other. People are in there shopping for cantaloupes and red peppers, and they've got to look up and see these two animals.



Here they are in the canned foods, at it again. What, they decided to christen every god damn aisle? I'd pay a thousand dollars to see that Starbucks cup burst open and scalding-hot hazelnut coffee splash all over these two idiots.


"I really dig you Dax. You're a really cool guy. You're fucking around on me aren't you? That's okay, I expect it. You're a man. By the way, I'm fucking around on you too. You know that guy who was just putting out the Spaghetti-Os? Yeah, in the back room about three days ago. His cock is way bigger than yours. But you make me laugh. No, when you tell jokes. What did you think I meant, honeykins?"

Angie Takes The Kids To Central Park

Pax, Maddox and Zahara got treated to a nice trip to Central Park with their mommy. See kids? Aren't you glad you don't have to live in your various shithole birth countries anymore? Now you get to walk around the park with your crazy mommy and a bodyguard. Zahara is just glaring at Pax there. How come she doesn't get the funny star-glasses? Only Asian kids get the star-glasses? What the fuck is that? And speaking of dirty looks:



Pax does not seem happy with his Asian "brother" Maddox here. There have been stories recently that the two boys scuffle a lot - some kind of Jolie-Pitt family turf war. So much for balance and harmony. One of these kids is going to kill one of the others some day, probably with one of mommy's knives.

Britney Spears Pulled Over

Fun-loving Britney Spears decided to take a road trip to Vegas, so she threw on a wig and hat, grabbed a couple of male dancers for company and sped off in her Mercedes. The fun got interrupted though when Britney was pulled over by the Highway Patrol. When asked by the cops why she'd been speeding, Britney claimed she was being chased by photographers - because we all know Britney runs away whenever she sees photographers.

The gullible cops decided to let Britney off with a warning. This despite the fact that Britney made them follow her for a mile after they put their lights on. The good news, I guess, is that Britney gave the cops no reason to suspect her of being under the influence of anything. So she was sober for once. Sober enough to talk her way out of a ticket at least. God, that picture - I can just hear her whining, pathetic little voice. Why couldn't the cops have just run the bitch off the road, badly injuring her, then finished her off with their flashlights? They would've been heroes.

(source)

Ladies And Gentleman, I Give You The World's Dumbest Woman

Mario Lopez is so marrying that chick.

Orlando Bloom - A Video What The Fuh?

The Japanese are different from us. And Orlando - stop pretending, okay sweetie? We know.

Britney Back In Action

Britney's back on the club scene after a few days in hiding. It's funny when Britney decides to take time off from being seen, because everyone starts speculating wildly as to what's going on with her. This time everyone said she flew to Europe, but she never went. And another piece of wackiness concerning Britney - those alleged drug lollies. A toilet attendant at Winston's insists those are just Jolly Rancher pops - he says Britney grabs them by the handful from the bowls they leave out in the john, and the club doesn't mind because Britney's such a good tipper. I suppose it's always possible that this person is lying and those really are drug lollies, but it's also possible that Britney got wind of the drug-lolli rumor and is now just teasing us.

And in more Britney news...so Criss Angel says he and Britney have only a professional relationship, and yet, Britney has been seen going to his hotel at 2 in the morning again. All right, so maybe they are just working out a routine for the VMA's - you know, maybe Criss is just the nocturnal sort and 2 am is the only time Britney can get to see him. Or, maybe they are having hot lame-o sex.

(source)

Mary-Kate Likes Top Hats

Yup, Mary-Kate Olsen is the Queen of Style. I can tell because, from the neck up, she looks like she's headed to some decadent '20s soiree, and from the neck down she looks like she just went apeshit at a flea market. You have to be a style genius to put together an ensemble like that.

Update: Brad And Angie In NY

Angelina has taken the circus to New York. As far as I know Brad is still in New Orleans. The kids are with Angie. Zahara's doing her usual stare-down thing. I hurt my thumb earlier. Who wants pie?

Update:


Yes, Brad's in New York with Angie and the kids after all. I should've known Angie wouldn't let Brad out of her sight for long. She knows he'll fuck around on her if she gives him too much freedom. She doesn't want to make the same mistake Aniston made. Am I the only one who thinks Pax is close to a nervous breakdown?

Brad Works It Out With The Paps

Brad Pitt is a very responsible father. Here we see him explaining to the paps that the kids will be coming to New Orleans soon, and he wants them to keep their distance. Gosh, he's dreamy.

Suri Pitches A Fit

Aw - just like daddy.

Dina And Michael's Statements

Lindsay Lohan's legal fate has been decided - now it's time for her ishy parents Dina and Michael to release their statements. Here's Michael's, via The Insider:

I am overjoyed that the system sees that Lindsay is getting the help she needed by putting her best foot forward and by going to rehab.

I think between her attorney, Blair Berk, and her therapists at Cirque Lodge, she's around people that care about her best welfare and Lindsay as a human being.

I just hope I can be part of the right path she is on.

Michael just loves talking about people putting their best foot forward. I wouldn't mind seeing someone put their best foot up Michael's ass, but that's just me. Also, Michael, there's no way anyone's "right path" could ever include you - unless it was the right path to becoming a fake Christian asshole con-artist.

And now Dina, via 24/Sizzler:

My children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives, and people just want to make things up and make us fall.

Which people are making up things to make you fall Dina? The police? They made up that Lindsay had cocaine on her, apparently (she did have it on her, just not enough of it to get charged with a felony). And that she drove under the influence twice. Oh wait - but didn't copping a plea constitute an admission of those things? If it never happened, why did she own up to it? I'm sorry Dina, but you never manage to elaborate when you call people out for making false accusations. You just say "they're lying" but never bother with specifics. It's quite sad, the way you try to avoid responsibility for your shitty parenting. But it doesn't really matter - we know you're to blame for Lindsay's disastrous situation. And you will eventually receive your punishment - when Lindsay's in jail and no longer able to earn, forcing you to either pimp out your uglier, less-talented children or go back to hooking yourself.

(source 1; source 2)

Doherty Enters Rehab

Crackhead singer Pete Doherty has been nagged into rehab by his family, who are worried his recent transgressions, including an alleged attack against a photographer, may finally earn the serial jail-avoider a trip to the slammer. Pete's Aunt Joan Cassidy is reportedly the one who at last wore the stubborn bastard down, and now he's enrolled in Clouds Rehab Centre in Salisbury, Wiltshire. I'm sure that'll last too.

(source)

More Lohan Automotive Mayhem

Lohans and cars just don't mix. This was proven once again last Friday when walking disaster Lindsay's little fugly singing sister Ali was involved in a traffic accident in Nassau County, New York. No, 13-year-old Ali wasn't driving - her 16-year-old male friend was. The friend allegedly took the car without his mother's permission, then picked up Ali who had herself snuck out of the house. The male, who only has his learner's permit, promptly smacked another vehicle, slightly injuring two of its occupants. Ali, being a Lohan, escaped the whole thing unharmed.

(source)

Winehouse Pours Her Sad Little Heart Out

Things have settled down in Amy Winehouse's life since her furious row with husband Blake Fielder-Civil which left the two of them bloodied and battered and wandering the streets at 4 am. She now has time to send text messages to Perez Hilton chastising him for saying bad things about her Blakey-poo on his blog. Here are Amy's messages to Perez:

Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other. Take back what you said on the blog. I thought you was my girl. I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn’t good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life.

I’ll be alright. I need to fight my man’s corner for him though.

For the last time he did not and never has hurt me. Say I told you what happened on your blog. He has such a hard time and he so supportive. Please make amends. Kiss. Amy x

Please can you put up the truthful version straight away? It’s bad enough that it’s been there that long. I know you love me but he deserves the truth, he is an amazing man who saved my life again and got cut badly for his troubles. All he get is horrible stories printed about him and he just keeps quiet, but this i too much. Thanks girl. Amy

So Amy was about to do drugs with a call girl and Blake walked in and got angry with her and said Amy wasn't good enough for him and this wound up in her slicing his face. But they love each other so it's all cool. Lovely. Wonder what kind of gifts they buy each other on their birthdays. First-aid kits. Tubes of unguent. Emergency room coupons. Treat one nasty hot-grease burn get one free. Sure - Blake's a terrific guy. Obviously.

(source)

Nicole Richie Does Her Time

If you took a long shit yesterday afternoon, you may have missed Nicole Richie serving out her DUI sentence. The pregnant harlot friend of Paris Hilton, who got busted for being drugged up and driving her SUV the wrong way down the highway, checked into Lynwood, Paris's old stomping grounds (or make that pouting grounds), at 3:15 pm local time and was released at 4:37. She was in her cell for 35 of those 82 minutes, spending the rest of the time in processing. The sheriff's office said Ms. Richie was "cooperative." Boyfriend Joel Madden apparently rode to the jail with her, and was there when she was let out. Richie's original sentence called for her to spend 4 days in jail, but the old over-crowding got her sprung.

So let's see - Richie got 4 days but served 82 minutes, Lindsay got 4 days but will only serve 1 (if that), and Paris got 45 days and served 22. But Paris is clearly the richest of the three. So, obviously, money doesn't get you off - spending that money on the right lawyer is what gets you off.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Is A Scrapper

Amy Winehouse and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil were photographed on the streets of London early yesterday morning in the after-math of what was apparently an epic fight in their hotel room. Amy, who recently walked out of rehab after only a couple days, had a cut over her eye, a bruised temple, bandages on her arms, swollen knuckles and blood on her knee and pink ballet slippers. Blake, who has been accused by Amy's family of being behind her recent downward spiral into drug- and alcohol-fueled madness, had numerous cuts and scratches on his face, neck and chest.

The full blow-by-blow of Amy and Blake's wacky night and early morning: Witnesses report seeing Amy leave her and Blake's SoHo hotel around 11 pm, meet a young woman who hugged her and gave her a package, and then return to the hotel. Hours later, guests began complaining about loud noises from Amy and Blake's rooms, including screaming and clattering furniture. The concierge was called, and helped Amy get medical assistance for some cuts she had received to her arms (it's not known if they were self-inflicted). A few hours later, the fight restarted. Amy was seen running into the hallway, pursued by Blake who was at this point bleeding profusely. Some poor sod wound up in the elevator with Amy and Blake as it descended, and describes the action:

Amy was in floods of tears. This guy was screaming at her. She was cowering in the corner and I thought he was going to hit her. When the lift door opened, she took off across the lobby at a real pace. He was chasing after her and was about five paces behind by the time she got to the main hotel entrance.

Amy and Blake then ran into the street. Said a source:

Just after 3am, Amy came sprinting out and down the road. She was in a real state of panic. Blake was running after her, but couldn't catch up. ... Amy was so hell-bent on getting away from him that she ran into the middle of the street and flagged down a random car that happened to be full of girls. She was saying, "Quickly, I have to get in, I have to get away, please help me." Her voice was breaking, you could tell she was scared. ... The car drove off at speed and ended up about a mile away at Charing Cross station. Amy got out and went into a 24-hour shop to buy cigarettes. She was looking completely out of her head. Blake ran after the car for a while. He spent the next halfhour or so wandering around in a daze with blood over his face, looking in doorways for her, shouting her name out. Eventually, he got through to her on the mobile. There were a lot of tears and shouting, but they calmed down and met up at around 4am and slowly walked back to the hotel arm-in-arm. They got back at 4.45 am.

Amy's father showed up later in the day, and was supposed to be joined by Blake's parents in some kind of nutbag summit. Amy was also seen partaking of the hotel's spa the afternoon of the day after, dressed in her usual costume of ratty beehive, too-tight pants and ballet slippers.

These guys are way more entertaining than Moss and Doherty ever were.



(source)

Lohan Cops Plea, Gets Jail, "Admits" Addiction

Lindsay Lohan's lawyer Blair Berk hammered out a plea deal in court today, which will allow Lohan to avoid significant jail time over a multitude of drug- and alcohol-related charges. Lohan agreed to plead guilty to two counts of being under the influence of cocaine and no contest to driving with a blood alcohol content of .08 or higher and reckless driving. In exchange, prosecutors dropped two counts of driving under the influence. The terms of the deal call for Lohan to serve 24 hours in jail and perform 10 days of community service work, and will see her placed on three years probation. She is also required to enroll in drug and alcohol education programs.

Lindsay's reps released the following statement, which they whipped up for her awhile ago and have had waiting for today:

It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have. I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so.

Lohan was not in court herself today, as there were no felony charges filed. I will reiterate now what I've said before - it doesn't matter that Lindsay got let off for these charges, because there is absolutely no way in hell she can stay clean. She will violate her probation, probably soon, and there will be harsher consequences for her. She will wind up in jail at some point. It is inevitable.

(source 1; source 2)

George Clooney Is A Leatherhead

George Clooney has a new movie coming out about the early days of football. It's called Leatherheads - possibly because the players' helmets are made of leather. I never thought I'd live to see the day when suave George Clooney looked like an absolute dope, but that day has come. What the fuck George? You look like one of the Coneheads. "Must consume mass quantities of lameness."

Hey look - it's Perez back there.

Tom And Katie's Little Problem

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes try their damnedest to portray their marriage as perfect. But, it appears there's one little problem the couple is no longer able to hide - that they sleep in separate bedrooms.

Okay, so that's more than a little problem. Actually that sounds like a big problem, since where I come from, it's usually considered normal for married people to share a bed. Then again, "Tom Cruise" and "normal" are two things that don't often converge. Frankly, I'm shocked to hear that Tom sleeps in any kind of bed - I would've thought he climbed into some kind of pod or cocoon at night, or a wacky hi-tech chamber like Michael Jackson. Wherever Tom's sleeping, and whatever he's sleeping in or on, we now know Katie isn't anywhere near.

Of course, this being the Tom and Katie camp, there's got to be some kind of adorable, aw-shucks-we're-just-plain-folks explanation. And that is? That Tom snores too loud. Said a source:

It's a situation that works for both of them. ... In fact, they even joke about having separate bedrooms to their friends – Katie says Tom snores, and this way she can get her beauty sleep! ... Of course they spend time together alone at night like most married couples; after all, they conceived Suri!

Yes - make us think about Tom and Katie conceiving Suri. Thank you. I was trying to eat my Rice Krispies, fuckface.

Actually, the story of Tom and Katie's off-beat marital arrangement goes deeper than just Tom snoring and Katie needing another room. Reportedly, Katie was made to understand from the very beginning that she and Tom would each occupy their own, separate areas of the Cruise mansion. Katie was given a "cluster of suites" on the south wing of the second floor, while Tom would have the north wing, including the master bedroom. So, in actuality, it doesn't sound like they ever really slept in the same room - making the whole "snoring" story smell like a load of bunkum.

But why, after all, would Tom arrange things right from the beginning so that his wife would sleep in a completely separate wing from him? It couldn't be because Tom has visitors at night? And I don't mean shady Scientology types or the ambassador from Vulcan - I mean visitors. Special visitors. The kind who do things to Tom that Tom enjoys. Like, for example, fist him in the ass. I'm guessing the walls of Tom's bedroom are extra thick, and the locks are extra-solid. And there are are black-out blinds on the windows. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Katie had never even seen the inside of Tom's bedroom. Yes, undoubtedly, they did conceive Suri - but what the hell does that prove? For all we know Tom had Katie drugged, and taken off to some secret locale where he pumped his spunk into her, and then Katie woke up the next morning with a headache, and a couple months later boom...she realizes she's knocked up. Sure. It all adds up now.

(source)

Mary-Kate Olsen Is Camera-Shy

Stupid, useless bitch.

Pete Doherty In Trouble Again

Pete Doherty is once again in trouble with the law. The singer, who recently reunited with cokefiend girlfriend Kate Moss, is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a female photographer in a shopping center and damaging her camera. Cath Mead, the alleged victim, recalls the assault:

One minute he was okay, then he went crazy. He shouted, "I'm going to slit your mother's throat." ... He kicked me and pulled my hair then whipped me with my strap and only stopped when a policeman came.

Um, Cath honey - he wasn't assaulting you, he was hitting on you. That's just how Pete does it. He's not, you know, civilized.

(source)

Update: Britney In London?

Runaway loon Britney Spears may have designs on settling down in London, reports the Daily Mail. A friend snitches:

She thinks her only hope is to move to London for a fresh start. ... She is so scared about losing her boys that her mind is racing trying to think of how to keep them. ... Britney thinks she can arrive in London and blend in with the locals. But she doesn't have a clue how to write a cheque.

Only in Britney's mind would it make sense to flee a custody battle by packing the kids up and running off to a foreign country to hide. Yes, maybe if you were some anonymous schmo this might have a chance of working - but when almost everyone on earth knows you by sight, I don't know, I think there's a good chance your cover's going to get blown. By the way, Britney's alleged plan to "blend in with the locals" in London includes cultivating a British accent. Maybe she can move in with Madonna over there - the two of them can have inane conversations about Kabbalah in their fake British accents while sipping tea and eating buttered scones. As we all know, pretending to be British automatically makes you more intelligent and cultured - just ask Gwyneth Paltrow.

(source)

Update: Perez reports that Britney is already back in America. Or maybe she never left. Who the hell knows.

New Britney Music Update: Perez has also, exclusively, obtained a copy of Britney's new song, which apparently doesn't have a title yet. Go here to hear it. Warning: Extreme suckage.

Looney On The Loose

It's being reported by numerous outlets, including Perez Hilton, that Britney Spears has fled the United States and taken refuge in Europe. There are conflicting reports as to the exact country Spears is in - some are saying France, but there were rumors earlier today that the runaway nut was seen using the toilet at a bar in Antwerp, Belgium. Perez is also reporting exclusively that Britney, contrary to what some have said, did not leave the country with Jayden James and Sean Preston in some wacky plot to get them away from Kevin Federline - in fact, Perez's sources say JJ and SP are actually with their father now.

This news, coming on the heels of Britney's sudden ditching of her extensions and dyeing of her hair, might lead some to believe that the erstwhile pop singer is in the midst of yet another meltdown. Or, maybe Britney just decided she was tired of being trailer trash, and wanted to soak up some culture. Or perhaps she's going to eventually end up in Amsterdam dancing in one of those windows. Who the fuck knows at this point.

(source)

Jessica Alba And Cash Warren Don't Seem All That Broken Up

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren are supposed to have broken up, but here they are on the beach together. So what gives? Is Alba a free-agent or not? I know all you drooling heteros want to know - you love Alba because she's pretty and dumb (your favorite combination). I personally think that the whole Alba-Warren break-up stuff was disinformation deliberately disseminated by their reps. You know, to throw everyone off the trail. Prince William and Kate Middleton reportedly did the same thing, pretending to no longer be together, then setting up secret meetings. And there were rumors that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have tried the ploy too. Only problem: People actually care about Wills and Kate and Jake and Reese - no one gives a shit about Jess and Cash, so it's really not worth the trouble.

Norman Lear Tries To Hump Hayden Panettiere

Norman Lear, the legendary creator of All in the Family, helps new Declare Yourself! spokesperson Hayden Panettiere register to vote on her 18th birthday. How wonderful of Hayden to show her sense of civic responsibility like this, and set a good example for other young people. And Norman - yes, we know it's been a long time since you had an erection without the aid of pharmaceuticals, but do you think you could try to contain your excitement a little bit? There are cameras there, you know.

Liza Minnelli Is Hot

Is Liza planning on starring in the sequel to Wild Hogs? She's already got the bandana. They could call the sequel Wild Hogs and a Sow. And we know who the sow is:

Foxy Brown Is Going To Jail

Alleged rapper Foxy Brown has been sentenced to three months in Riker's Island for violating her probation. Brown, whose real name is Inga Marchand (I'd go with Foxy Brown too), was originally given the probation by judge Melissa Jackson for a 2004 incident in which she attacked a pair of manicurists. That probation was set to expire this year, but was extended by judge Jackson after Foxy left New York without permission in March, winding up in Broward County, Florida where she was arrested after throwing stuff at a beauty shop employee and scuffling with a police officer. The judge's decision to send Foxy to jail stems from a couple of recent incidents, including one where Brown allegedly hit a neighbor in the face with a Blackberry. The news that she would be going to the clink reportedly shocked Brown, whose lawyer apparently did not expect such a decision.

This all comes a few days after Brown herself claimed, in court, that she was pregnant and planned on getting married. Again, as with Nicole Richie, the old "I'm knocked-up and getting married" defense carried zero water whatsoever. I'm guessing that, when Foxy is carted off to Riker's Island, there will not be helicopters following her like when Paris was sent to jail. Just another example of the old double-standard.

(source)

Joss Stone Is Injured

Something happened to Joss Stone - she was on crutches when the paps took these pictures of her at The Ivy. The bitch goes around everywhere with bare feet, so it's likely she stepped on a piece of glass and got some kind of infection. That's the price you pay for trying to seem quirky and free-spirited in such an idiotic way. Put some shoes on, you stupid slag. And wash that purple shit out of your hair - it looks like you used grape juice for shampoo.

Posh Does More Stuff

Poshy takes one of her clone-brats to summer day camp in L.A. When the little Beckham boys grow up, I wonder if Poshy will be considered a hot mom by all their friends. "Come inside and get some Kool-Aid boys. And no, I will not be showing you my boobs, so don't ask."



As always, the back-view of Poshy is the most fascinating. I don't know why - there's just this weird quality of being given a peek behind the curtain. The front is the chic image she wants to project and the back is the sad, scrawny, tacky reality.

Yeah, all right - the front is sad, scrawny and tacky too.

Bill Murray - Just Another Drunk-Ass Slut

Over-the-hill funny-man Bill Murray has done the sort of thing one expects over-the-hill funny-men to do - get arrested for driving a golf-cart drunk around the middle of Stockholm. Swedish police say Murray was tooling about at a low rate of speed in the cart when he was pulled over, and that the smell of alcohol was plainly evident on his breath. He refused to take a breathalyzer so the police blood tested him, and now it will take 14 days to get the results back. The comedic actor, best known for his work in Caddyshack and Scrooged, has signed a document admitting to being inebriated while operating the golf-cart, and has agreed to let a police officer plead guilty for him should the case make it to court.

What exactly is the punishment for operating an electric vehicle in Sweden while under the influence of cheap liquor? Maybe the Swedes will get creative. Perhaps they'll sentence Murray to relive the same day over and over - a day which includes being woken up by a Sonny & Cher song on the radio, getting splashed by the same car and not being able to get Andie MacDowell into the sack. Or maybe they'll make Murray don an unlicensed positron collider and bust ghosts. Or they could send him to boot camp where he gets on the bad side of a grouchy drill sergeant played by the late Warren Oates. Or perhaps they could dispatch him on a mission to kill a shark who ate his fellow oceanographer. The possibilities are endless and largely stupid.

(source)

Lindsay's Family Pops In For A Visit

Prematurely washed-up movie actress Lindsay Lohan was given a break from her intensive rehab regimen in Utah to accept a visit from her family, Splash News reports. The Lohans, Dina, Ali, Dakota and grandma, all flew in from Long Island, then stayed a night at a the Sundance Resort before traveling to the Cirque Lodge center for the happy reunion. The family hung out together inside for about an hour before Lindsay popped out for a smoke, with little sis Ali by her side (Ali didn't smoke herself as far as we know). Then Lindsay and a bodyguard drove into town with Ali and Dakota to hit up a grocery store (pictured above). After that, the family made its way to the Sundance Resort's Tree Room for dinner, where a witness says they "looked to be having a wonderful time together."

I'm sure Lindsay was quite happy - since all this happened after she learned that she would likely not be facing drug possession charges. We can only imagine how tickled the whole family is at their meal ticket's preternatural ability to avoid having to pay for her transgressions against society. They probably sat there the whole time at dinner giggling at what sorry fools us regular folk are.

(source)

Britney Blows Off Justin

Fading pop-star Britney Spears has dealt her own career another serious blow. Spears, whose life has degenerated into one long, absurd meltdown, was supposed to fly to producer Timbaland's studio in Virginia Beach recently to record her half of a duet with ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake - unfortunately, Britney decided at the last minute to nix the duet, leaving Timbaland and Justin in the lurch. Said a source:

Timbaland set aside a week out of his crazy schedule to do this - and then, just before she was supposed to fly out, Britney abruptly canceled the session and refused to do the song. ... It's crazy. She's looking for a comeback, and this would have not only been a huge hit, but something she could have opened the MTV Video Awards with and really blown everyone away.

The people at Britney's record label, Jive, are very concerned about their formerly hot property. Said an insider:

Listen, everyone is worried. In her mind, her album is done and she's done enough work . . . She's an easy target right now, because she's . . . sick. People like her are sick. It's like an anorexic who's sick in the head and needs help. She needs help. It's sad because what she's got - and we've heard it's like bipolar disorder - can easily be treated with medication, but she won't do it.

I wonder if Britney really does have bipolar disorder or something like bipolar disorder - or if she's just a stubborn, childish idiot who refuses to let responsible people run her career for her. If I didn't know better, I might accuse Britney of just being a coward who runs away any time someone places an opportunity in front of her that requires her to pull herself together and act like a grown-up. One of these days, people like Justin and Timbaland are going to learn that they can't trust this dumb-ass to follow through - they're going to figure out that she's not worth the effort and stop trying to help her sorry butt. And then she really will be alone and adrift with nothing but losers like Alli Sims around her. She's just a foolish, ungrateful little twat if you ask me.

(source)

Lohan's Gonna Skate

Lindsay Lohan is not in nearly as much trouble as we originally thought she was. According to TMZ, the misbehaving starlet, who is currently cooling her heels in a Utah rehab, is most likely going to see all potential felony drug possession charges against her dropped, including one for bringing narcotics into a correctional facility. The D.A., who will likely be filing tomorrow, is expected to pursue only a pair of misdemeanor DUI charges against Lohan - meaning she will not face prison time. Also, TMZ says Lohan's lawyers are probably looking at hammering out a plea deal. In any case, since no felony charges are to be filed, Lindsay will not have to show for the arraignment Friday, leaving her free to stay up in Utah where she is having a high old time hiking, white-water rafting and probably laying every dirty, tattooed wash-out she can get her grubby little hands on.

I'm not exactly sure what it means, by the way, that Lohan will not be facing possession charges for the second incident - the one where she walked into the cop-shop with cocaine actually in her pocket. You'd think that one would be cut-and-dried, wouldn't you? Unless it was too small an amount to constitute possession - or unless the story as it was told to us was complete bullshit. It's hard to know with this stuff, especially after the tabs start reporting every rumor and innuendo, whether you're getting anything remotely resembling the real truth. For all we know there never was any cocaine either time and it was all just a bunch of lies. Either way, it looks like Lohan's going to skate. At most she'll probably get a couple days in jail - and lots of people will cry out that this is an injustice, especially Paris Hilton. To me it doesn't really matter much whether Lohan does real time for this stuff or not - she is incorrigible, and will eventually fuck up so bad that there's no way out. Hopefully that fuck-up will not include wiping out an SUV carrying a vacationing family.

(source)

You Knew This Was Inevitable...

Everyone's favorite junkie couple, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss, is back on according to a report in the Daily Mail. The paper says the pair, who broke it off earlier this year after Pete got busy with another woman, have been secretly staying together at Claridge's in London - and have also been slipping out to a $3,000-per-night suite at the Mayfair hotel for wild parties. Sources say the couple have gone to great lengths to disguise their activities, having Kate slip in and out in the middle of the night. The long-anticipated reconciliation reportedly began with a phone call. Says a source:

During her holiday in Spain, Pete was calling [Kate] on the mobile incessantly. He could not get through and the line kept going dead. She eventually called him one evening and since that conversation they have been continually on the phone. Kate has been like a moth to the flame. ... When she got back to Britain, they met up at the hotel. He cried and she cried. She said to him she had been avoiding him because she had promised everyone from her managers to her mother that she would. She told him, "It's not me. It's just what they all made me do."

Yes, how perfect for Kate - having all these other people to hang responsibility on. I suppose it was they who made her throw Pete out of the house in the first place, and have his stuff moved to a trailer court. It was they who made her change the locks and hire security and start referring to Pete as "Slug." And they made her burn all his paintings and notebooks as well. Let's face it - Kate is not the brightest bulb in the strand. Anyone lame enough to "fall under the spell" of a pitiful wretch like Doherty probably deserves to be stuck with him. And Kate is stuck with him. At least until the poor bastard finally dies or simply burns one too many brain cells and winds up a vegetable. Then I guess she can just go lesbo and start hooking up with Amy Winehouse.

(source)

Justin Timberlake Is A Bloody Mess

No, Justin Timberlake has not been playing house with Lindsay Lohan and Vanessa Minnillo - this is a pic from his movie Southland Tales, where he plays a character named Private Pilot Abilene. The movie is apparently some kind of wacky satire about Los Angeles on the eve of the Apocalypse - it played at Cannes in 2006 and has been sitting around waiting for someone to bother releasing it ever since. It's finally going to be put out, in one dingy theater someplace, on Nov. 9.

Southland Tales was directed by the same guy who made Donnie Darko, which is one of those movies your dorky friend is always telling you is so awesome, and then you see it and it's the most pretentious, incomprehensible piece of shit you ever saw. This new thing thing looks like more garbage - but at least it has that hot piece of man The Rock in it. And it has Mandy Moore in it too - oh yeah, she'll spice it up.



Oh Mandy - you're so hard-core.

Pete Doherty Never Looked So Good

A rendering of drug-addled wash-out Pete Doherty courtesy of Pretty On the Outside. I think they went easy on Pete - there's no vomit on his shirt and those teeth are way too nice. Anyway, go over there and check out more of their stuff - it's amusing. I especially like the one of Zac Efron. It's perfick.

Amy Winehouse Quits Rehab. This Is Not An Accidental Re-Post.

In the day's least-shocking development, singer Amy Winehouse has once again walked out of rehab. This time, Amy reportedly left the Causeway clinic in Essex after a series of intense fights with her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. The couple hasn't broken up though - they left together, then spent the night at a London hotel.

This is the second time in a week that Amy has left rehab. The first time, she claimed she only took a break to pick up a guitar, then went back in. And now she's out again. Obviously, she is non-committal about this whole cleaning-up thing. Crabbie thinks that people like Amy who obviously love the drugging lifestyle should just be left alone to destroy themselves if they so wish. It's not like Amy has any kids she's orphaning, and if anyone's worried about the grief Amy's causing her family, they should just realize that her family is probably the reason for ninety percent of whatever bullshit Amy's trying to escape from.

On the subject of the inner-workings of Amy's twisted mind...consider this little tidbit, which I was turned on to by one of my readers, Trudette (thanks for this hon). Many people have remarked on Amy's odd taste in footwear, which runs to ratty, worn-out ballet shoes:





Lately, we've all been seeing these pictures from Amy's childhood, including this one, which is of particular interest:



Engaging in speculation about the state of someone's psyche is always a bit dangerous, but I think it's safe to say, in light of this shoe-related evidence, that Amy is dealing with some pretty nasty childhood issues. Of course, there's always the possibility that Amy wears the ballet shoes in nostalgic remembrance of her innocent youth - but I personally don't buy that. I think that Amy wears the shoes for the same reason she tattoos and cuts herself - it's a weird act of psychological self-mutilation. She was forced to take ballet lessons by her overbearing mother, and was probably mocked and ridiculed for being clumsy and awkward and frankly not that attractive. But now, rather than try to forget that pain, she purposely picks at the scab by wearing the shoes. The tattoos and cuts and yes, the shoes, are some crazy externalization of all sorts of inner-turmoil and self-hatred. No wonder this bitch is on drugs.

(source)

Zac Efron - The New Six-Million Dollar Man?

Zac Efron is - Steve Austin! Eh, it doesn't work without the goofy sound effects.

Sacha Baron Cohen Teases The Gays

Nice shirt Sacha - but we know it's not true. You're a dyed-in-the-wool hetero with a knocked-up girlfriend. At least that's what you want us to think. We know, however, that you have a penchant for donning different personae in public - so what if straight Sacha is just a character like Ali G and Borat? You sly dog Sacha - you really are gay as shit, aren't you? But maybe you just want us to think that you're only pretending to be straight. Agh - you crazy shape-shifting comedic genius, you've got my head all tied in knots. I need some Henny Youngman to get myself back to a nice, reassuringly simplistic place.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Oh Henny - we miss you so.

Jenna Jameson: Ugly, Emaciated And Clearly Delusional

Porn-star Jenna Jameson claims she is "healthy and happy." If that's healthy and happy, I'd rather be sick and miserable.

Jenna also says she's going to be walking in some shows at NY Fashion Week. Nice that she's finally found a crowd she can fit in with - you know, other anorexic drug-addict sluts. Except that models are usually at least pretty, but Jenna...not so much.

Doherty Still Not Going To Jail

Pete Doherty will once again escape being sent to jail on drug-related charges, this time because of a technicality. The Babyshambles singer, who was once connected romantically to Kate Moss, was arrested the other evening for drug possession, which would've constituted a breach of bail - but because the police failed to bring him before a judge within 24 hours, they are required to let him go.

All I know from this and Pete's other legal misadventures is that the British court system is just as wacked-out as the American one. Oh yeah, and that if you're a star you can do whatever you want - a rule that applies in pretty much every country.

(source)

Hayden Is 18

Hayden Panettiere is 18 now. Everyone keeps saying, "Now the pervs can think about her all they want," but the pervs were thinking about her already - that's what makes them pervs. Actually, she's probably too old for those creeps now - they've moved on to Miley Cyrus and Ali Lohan.

Piven Has Mommy Issues

Entourage star and noted ladykiller Jeremy Piven shocked and disturbed fellow diners at Nobu Malibu the other evening by getting into a very public shouting match with his mother. Said a witness:

It was so venomous, the entire restaurant could hear them. I don't know what they were arguing about, but it was loud.

Jeremy - we all have issues with our mothers. Trust me, you don't even want to know some of the things the Crabster said to his before that chain-smoking hag finally did us all the favor of dropping dead. But one thing you never want to do is have those arguments in public, especially not in front of other famous people (like Rob Reiner, who was reportedly there at Nobu). It just doesn't look good. For one thing, you've got this reputation as a playah going for you - but that's not going to last long if people get this image of you as some pitiful soul who's still hopelessly tied to his mother. Chicks can smell that kind of thing on you Pivs. Their radar goes off, telling them, "Look out for this guy. He's got mommy issues." Sure, that may not matter as long as you're only trying to bang random hos, but one day you might want to settle down with one of these babes, and the one vibe you definitely don't want to give off when you do finally identify that one special someone is "pathetic momma's boy on the look-out for someone to coddle him and wash his jammies and tuck him in at night." Women flee from that, unless they themselves are pathetic and needy and actually want a man like that. And we know a happenin' dude like you doesn't want to get stuck with some crazy broad, who wants to cast you in the role of the child she herself can't have after the botched abortion. Do I have a slightly over-active imagination?

(source)

Tell Amy Winehouse To Stop Bending Over

She looks like a monkey at the beginning, pulling on that gate. There must've been drugs behind there.

Rich, Famous Hoboes

Someone gave that hobo five bucks so he could buy some Starbucks. Nice of them. His chick is pretty resourceful too, making a sweater out of an old bathroom rug. Now all they need is a shower. Oh, I think that woman stole those sunglasses...

Liev Schreiber Has Issues With The Paps

Liev Schreiber doesn't care for photographers. Nope. Not one little bit.

Things are a little more sedate in this vid though. They sure love Naomi Watts.



It must suck being harassed by photographers like that. Then again, in this age of airplanes and other forms of transportation, is it really, really necessary - even for the sake of a Hollywood career - to actually live in L.A.? Why not just move to Montana or someplace where there aren't any photographers? Just a suggestion...

He's Got To Go To Jail This Time, Right?

Pete Doherty, believe it or not, has been busted for drug possession yet again. The unrepentant dopefiend was reportedly nailed Monday morning after he and some friends were pulled over in East London while heading back from Doherty's performance at the V Festival in Staffordshire. Doherty, we recall, has been warned at least six-hundred times in the last few months that, if he doesn't clean up, he will be sent to prison. So will this latest arrest finally be the one that gets Doherty shuffled off to the clink?

(source)

Naomi Is The New Sienna

No, it's not Sienna Miller - it's Naomi Watts walking the beach in Malibu. She left the kid at home and headed out to a party at Jon Favreau's place. Naomi's boyfriend Liev Schreiber came with, but she made him stay in the car. She cracked the window for him at least.

Juliette Lewis, What The Fuh?

Juliette Lewis in concert. Now she just looks like the sort of insane person you routinely see wandering the sidewalk. I feel like Juliette may grab me and start telling me about the microchip the government implanted in her brain to make her forget the secret location of the Nazi gold they've been hiding since the '40s. "I've got the key stashed in my rectum. If I can just get the chip removed, I'll remember where the gold is. My brother's a ninja and he says he'll help me get it. All I need is the money to rent a boat."

This Pic Says It All

Poor Jen - off by herself paddling on a surfboard while David, Courteney and their little kiddie share family-time in a boat. Coulda been you Jen - if only you'd been able to hold on to Brad. Or Vince. Or any man long enough for their seed to take root in that barren, toxic cavern you call a womb. We can already see your future Jen - you're that nice older, childless lady who doesn't bother coloring her gray hair anymore (because there's no one to look young for), who's always out walking her dogs, and stops off at the sidewalk cafe to shoot the breeze with whoever happens to be sitting there. She plays a lot of solitaire, this lady, and spends her weekends antiquing with her only pal, the old queen who lives next door to her at the retirement home. She cooks big pans of vegetarian lasagna, and brings it over to the old queen's room, and they eat lasagna and drink wine and watch Greta Garbo movies. Then the old lady takes her pan home and scrubs it, and puts on her nightgown and crawls into bed, and stares out the window at the lights which remind her mysteriously of the past...

Was Britney Set Up?

A story in the National Enquirer claims that Britney Spears's recent naked romp with music video extra Matt Encinias, pictures of which found their way into US Magazine, was set up by Encinias and Britney's former assistant Shannon Funk as a way of making cash. The source, Encinias's former girlfriend Ashlee Krol, said this to the Enquirer:

[Matt] and Britney's former assistant Shannon Funk worked together at the Chart House restaurant in Newport Beach, California and they're best friends. ... When Shannon was mad at Britney I think she and Matt set up a plan to make money off her.

Shannon Funk denies all this, saying:

You have completely false information. ... I didn't know Matt, [and] Britney is a friend of mine and I wouldn't sell her out for any amount of money.

Of course it sounds totally plausible - Shannon and this Matt dude work out some plan for Matt to get friendly with Britney, get a few drinks in her, then get her in the pool naked, and oh there just happens to be a camera there, and then they sell the pics to US for big cash. Of course, Shannon insists that she and Britney are friends - but we know how much friendship is worth in Hollywood: precisely nada. Clearly, Britney has surrounded herself with a staggering array of dirtbags, con-artists and leeches - not a big surprise given that Britney is hopelessly insecure and will befriend anyone who pays her a nice compliment. This is how it goes in the celeb biz - you alienate all the people who actually care about you, and are left with the Shannon Funks and Alli Simses, and all the other parasites and users. Britney is clearly too dumb to tell the difference. Sad.

(source)

Lily Allen Hates America. America Would Hate Her Back If They Knew Who She Was.

Pop-brat Lily Allen's visa troubles have soured her on the United States. Said the little twat at a recent concert:

I couldn't care less if I never go to America again. I would rather be with my man. I've been banned from America. That's nice. Oh well, that means I can't go back there. Good.

Allen then added in a Joss Stone-like American accent:

I'm going to dedicate this to the US. Obviously I'm really sad I can't do my US tour. Shame on you, the US Immigration Service.

Frankly, Lily, I applaud the INS for doing its job so well. People like you are exactly the kind we're trying to keep out of our country - you're nothing but an untalented little twit with a big mouth. And by the way, would you please stop making fun of Amy Winehouse? I know you think it's cute and all, but come on - everyone knows that you're just jealous of her because she can actually sing and you can't. You Lily are nothing more than the British Britney Spears at this point, and in a couple of years, you will be nothing but a has-been like Britney. Then you'll be begging to be let in to America, in hopes that you can resurrect your dead career by appearing on a reality show. But it will be too late then. You'll have to sell your fat pasty ass for booze. Won't be so cheeky then, will we slag?

(source)

Timberlake Still A Playah

Is Justin Timberlake two-timing Jessica Biel? A story in Page 6 suggests that Justin is at least keeping his options open. The report, from eyewitnesses at a recent HBO party on the roof of the Tribeca Grand in New York, says Timberlake spent an evening in the company of a "bronze-skinned brunette." Said a source:

It was just the two of them...he had no entourage. ... They were obviously into each other.

Not that Jessica wasn't already aware of Justin's reputation. But, you know how those things go - these girls all think they can change a guy. Obviously, Justin is a shameless cad, one even Biel and her fabulous booty lack the power to steer onto the straight-and-narrow path. I wonder if Jessica will still be willing to fly off to Europe whenever Justin calls now. Probably not. Unless she's one of these pathetic chicks who enjoy being trampled. I doubt it though - she strikes me as more of the fighter type. If Justin's wearing a black eye the next time we see him, I think we'll all know where it came from. Hell - he'd probably enjoy Jessica kicking his ass, the sick freak.

(source)

Brandon And Jason Davis Are Poor

Oil heirs Jason and Brandon Davis have reportedly both been cut off without a cent by their family, and have been seen in L.A. recently attempting to cash checks written for "small amounts" by various people. Also, it's been suggested by Page 6 that the shiner and bloody eye Brandon has been sporting lately were given to him by his own father during a fight. Oh, if only daddy-Davis had smacked Brandon around when he was young and it still could've done some good. Now it's too late for his bitch-ass, and for Jason's big fat gay bitch-ass. And yet society is still forced to endure these useless fuckwads. How is that fair, I ask you?

Personally, I can't wait for the first picture of these losers begging on the street. I can just see Brandon now, standing next to the freeway with a big sign that says "Will lay around doing nothing for pot." And Jason lying on top of a refrigerator box with this thumb in his mouth, dreaming of rainbow lollipops and Perez's dick.

(source)

Trump Wants Paris, Britney and Lindsay

America's favorite rich dirty old man Donald Trump wants to make his up-coming Celebrity Apprentice show the most skanktacular presentation in the history of TV - by recruiting shameless whores Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan to participate. Here's what Trump said to Page 6 about the endeavor:

We're negotiating with Britney right now. Can you imagine her doing it? We're not sure what will happen. She's a fucking mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she'd be great.

Actually Donald, no, I can't imagine her doing it, especially after you called her a "fucking mess" in a major metropolitan newspaper. That attitude sort of signals to us that none of this is serious, and you're just messing around with people as you're apt to do from time-to-time. But it doesn't bother us because you're amusing.

The Donald also says that Paris Hilton "wants to be on" the show, but he's not sure if they're going to do it yet. And of Lindsay Lohan, the third point of the tabloid triangle-of-power, Donald said this:

Another fucking mess. We haven't asked her yet, but I'm going to call her this week. It would be a positive thing for her to do . . . for all of them.

Yes Donald, it would be positive - especially if you called them all "fucking messes" to their face. Great for their self-esteem. Jeez, now we know how you keep bagging all these hot young women.

All right, so the idea of Lindsay, Britney or Paris actually doing this show is a total fantasy, right up there with Michael Lohan's infamous Celebutard Island Survivor pitch. But, give Trump credit - he has managed to rope in some pretty big names to do his show for real. Here's the list of folks Trump claims he already has on-board:

• Jim Cramer
• Carmen Electra
• Joan Rivers
• Naomi Judd
• George Foreman
• Omorosa
• Kimora Lee Simmons
• Pete Rose
• Danica Patrick
• Tony Hawk
• Jeff Gordon

Wow - that's gonna be a helluva show. I'll watch it just for the inevitable moment when that nut Jim Cramer loses it and punches Omarosa in the face. Oh yeah, and I can't wait for Trump to hit on Carmen Electra. "My cuff-links are worth more than most African countries. Want to get busy? Rosie O'Donnell is a very ugly woman and a bad person. Those breasts of yours are quite attractive. You know my daughter has a pair of those too. If I paid you a lot of money, would you consider having your picture taken in bed with my daughter? These would be for my own personal use of course."

(source)

Rafting Is Theraputic

Yes, that is indeed Lindsay Lohan packed into a raft full of fellow wash-outs. Bandannas seem to be a big thing with this rehab crowd. I hope all the fresh air and camaraderie is helping Lindsay out. Who knows - maybe instead of returning to Hollywood she'll decide to stay behind and become a counselor? Yes. And maybe that knocking on my door is Jake Gyllenhaal in a speedo carrying a box of chocolates...

Poshy Also Boats

Dead weekend. Nothing but pics of people taking their kids on boat trips. Oh Posh - we know you don't need a life-jacket. Boat's sinking - everybody jump on Posh!



Is it just me, or does Poshy always look slightly freaked-out any time she has to be out among regular folk? If you touched her she'd probably go straight into orbit.



Weird-lookin' bitch, ain't she?

Britney's Real Hair

God - bring back the nappy extensions. She looks like a realtor on her way to a lesbian retreat.

Alli Sims Would Rather Hang With Paris

Alli Sims scored an invite to Paris's Malibu pad, where the party never stops (until the drugs run out). Alli is clearly an ass-kissing little phony who will glom on to any famous person who gives her the time of day. First Avril, then Britney (I'm closer to being related to Britney than "Cousin" Alli is by the way) and now Paris. Wouldn't surprise me a bit to see Angelina hire this leech as a nanny next.

The next two pics are presents to Alli-perv. Try not to squirt the keyboard, 'kay bud?




(source)

Brad And Angie Go Boating

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie take the family out for some recreational boating. Oh Brad - you'd be hot again if only you'd put down the chubby, slack-jawed poop-monster.



Zahara looks like she's in a bad mood again. They better get that African sister for her quick, cause she clearly doesn't get along with white or Asian people.



This is their idea of relaxation. Well, at least Brad's arm looks happy. Pax looks like he's about to jump in and swim back to Vietnam.

Hilary Duff, Not Wasted

Hilary Duff - you go out to Les Deux and this is what you look like afterward? Oh, you're touching your nose - eh, but no one believes you were snorting anything. I'm ready to give up on you Hilary - unless you want to prove me wrong by flashing poon, slipping nip or perhaps making a sex tape with Nick Lachey. Or maybe there are pics of you out there licking a midget's penis or playing with knives or posing with the body of a hobo you and your friends beat to death? Crossing my fingers...

Kathy Griffin Has A Man

Alleged female Kathy Griffin has bagged herself a dude. Yes, a real-live honest-to-goodness man - not a mannequin or a blow-up doll or a tranny she paid fifty bucks, but a genuine bona fide penis-sporting fella. And no, she did not bang him over the head with something and drag him off - he actually made the first move on her.

Okay, that last thing defies reason - what the hell kind of man would put the moves on Kathy Griffin? The kind who's really rich and weird. No, it's not Donald Trump - it's Steve Wozniak, Apple co-founder and geek messiah.

According to Page 6, Wozniak left a bunch of flowers for Griffin's dogs after one of her "comedy" shows, and Griffin thought this was amusing. So now Steve and Kathy are trying to get their schedules worked out so they can go on a date. Gosh, how romantic that'll be - Steve whisking Griffin away in his private plane, and Kathy doing a striptease in the cockpit, which of course causes Steve to have a stroke and crash the plane...oh, I know it's not funny because Steve was already in a plane crash back in the '80s that caused him to lose his memory. Ha - after Griffin gets done with him, he'll want to lose his memory again. In fact, he'll want his entire identity erased so he can start over with a different life. Seeing that bitch naked would be more traumatic than being given a glimpse of the lowest level of hell.

(source)

Heath Ledger Saves Fugly Maggie From Fire

The world was almost done a great favor recently when human canker-sore Maggie Gyllenhaal burst into flames on the set of the new Batman movie The Dark Knight. Unfortunately, hottie Heath Ledger, who's playing The Joker in the film, rushed to Maggie's rescue by putting out the fire. All right, so we still love Heath - he was one-half of the hottest cowboy tandem ever in Brokeback Mountain, and we'll never forget that. But damn Heath - think of the great service you could've done humanity by letting that terrorist-loving, boob-flaunting, dog-frightening mutant Gyllenhaal die. We never would've had to look at her stupid, ugly face again, or had to witness the spectacle of her suckling her infant in public. I don't know Heath - that's a demerit for you.

(source)

Michael Lohan Writes Creepy Song To Lindsay

There's a new piece in the New York Observer about Lindsay Lohan's father Michael - mostly the usual stuff about how he's all about Jesus now and has left his criminal past behind him and crap. Pretty much unreadable drivel. However, there is one bit in the article that's pretty hysterical - this douche Michael has actually written and recorded a song dedicated to Lindsay, called "A Father's Love," and some of the lyrics have been reprinted. A sampling of lines from Michael's heartfelt ballad includes the following gem:

Woke up this morning, heard the words to your song/Never meant to hurt you, but know where I went wrong...

This is a response to Lindsay's own song "Confessions of a Broken Heart," which is about how sad she was when Michael abandoned the family. Crying yet? Here's more of Michael's classic:

Raised you to understand all the good in life, somehow I lost my way, should have taken my advice.

She should've taken your advice or you should've taken your own? And what was that advice actually, Mikey? Did it have something to do with always knowing the number of a good lawyer? Keep in mind that Michael is playing the CD he made of this shit in his car while driving the person doing the interview - and he's singing along with the crap at the same time. Yes, Michael Lohan is that narcissistic and self-absorbed.

There are a few other interesting things in the piece. One is that when Michael was in prison for DUI, the other inmates used to goad him by hanging up pictures of Lindsay on bulletin boards with words like "whore" scrawled on them. And according to Michael someone tried putting glass in his food too. Right. Because everyone else in prison was just consumed with him - just as we're all consumed with him now.

Unfortunately, there are idiots in this world who actually buy into this fucker's con-artist bullshit. Like Pastor Jimmy, the ninny who turned Michael on to Teen Challenge when he was in jail. Said Jimmy of Michael's re-birth:

What Mike is experiencing is what we call the transformation. [quotes bible] "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you might know the perfect and acceptable will of God." ... And the word "transformed" in Greek means metamorphosis, and that is what he is experiencing. The metamorphosis, where the caterpillar—who’s very limited—becomes a butterfly. It’s the heart and the nature. And that’s what born again really means: regeneration.

Would someone explain to me why, if there really were a God, he would bother revealing his "perfect and acceptable will" to people like Michael and Pastor Jimmy? Sorry Jim-Jim, but your Godly butt-buddy Michael is a grifter - he started out as a commodities trader, then got into pimping out his daughter; but those rackets both fell through so now he's trying out this religion thing for awhile. Michael can pretend to be holy all he wants, but he has a con-man's instincts and always will. Apparently, Pastor Jimbo, you are easily duped - probably because you're one of these Christly forgiving fucks with all their turning of the other cheek and various other chumpish tendencies. Michael's crawled up your pinched-off butt and made a nest there. Too bad for you. And too bad for Lindsay that she had to be raised by this shithead and that whorish lying mother of hers. But that's how the world works. Spreading a bunch of religious bullshit over it doesn't really hide the fact that it's a big fat fuck-over - it just makes the fuck-over smell even more like bullshit.

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Phillippe Angry Over Witherspoon/Gyllenhaal Relationship

Ryan Phillippe is making a stink over estranged wife Reese Witherspoon's relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal. Apparently, Ryan is bent out of shape over Jake being in the presence of his and Reese's two kids Deacon and Ava - even going so far as to insinuate that Jake is gay, and that this somehow makes him a bad influence. Reese, however, only sees Jake when the kids aren't around - which pretty much blows up Phillippe's argument.

Of course we all know what's going on here - Ryan is insanely jealous of Jake, and probably has a homosexual fixation on him to boot. So Ryan drags out the "I don't want that fag around my kids" argument when what he really means is "I don't want that smoking hot man around the woman I am not yet officially divorced from." Poor Ryan just can't make up his mind if he wants Reese out of his life or not. On the one hand, being married did cramp his style; on the other hand, his entire career was pretty much based on his being Reese's husband. The problem for Ryan is that you can't ride the fence when it comes to love - you're either with Reese or you're not. Even now, Ryan is trying to have it both ways - he acts like he wants Reese back, but reports say he's still going around with Aussie Abbie Cornish, the chick he strayed from Reese over in the first place. So here's Ryan's dream scenario - Jake leaves, a distraught Reese takes him back, and he still gets to nail this Cornish babe on the side. God, what a shithead.

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Angelina Hard At Work

Angelina is used to being sprawled on the hoods of cars, but there usually aren't cameras around. No, normally there are only a bunch of dirty, toothless guys waving dollar bills in the air. A buck for a look, five for a smell - that's how Angie rolls.

Nicole And Joel Dress Matchingly

Is there anything more irritating than a couple who dress in matching outfits? Even Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson think this is lame.

In other Nicole and Joel news...Nicole has reportedly told Joel that he's not allowed to have his picture taken with other women, especially famous ones, because those pictures will get into the tabs and people will spread rumors that he's cheating on her. Oh Nicole - everyone's going to think Joel's cheating on you anyway, hon. For one thing, look at him - do you think he strikes us as the solid, stable, stay-at-home type? And for another thing, you're pregnant. Add it all up and, yes, we know Joel is screwing around. Plus, it's not like we need actual pictures to start rumors. We can pretty much start them out of nothing if we want.

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Dax Shepard Is Creepy

No, Kate Hudson is not being accosted by a shadowy, lurking stalker - that's actually her new boyfriend Dax Shepard. Yes, Kate Hudson has sex with that man. Presumably. Though, in the absence of photographic evidence, we're forced to leave the door of doubt at least a teensy bit open. I suppose it's possible she's only stringing him along for her own sadistic reasons. Kate and her mom Goldie are both man-hating bitches, as we know. Kate is so averse to males, in fact, that she refuses to cut her son's hair - almost as if she's in denial about his gender. I hope for poor Ryder's sake his mom never goes all the way with it and clips his weewee off with garden shears. Damn, I could totally see that happening. Poor kid.

Amy Winehouse - Rehab Yo-Yo

Amy Winehouse says she has not quit rehab - but only took a day off to pop home and pick up a guitar. Winehouse also claims she has gained half a stone and feels fine. She continues denying she's a drug addict, and is only willing to acknowledge that she "has a few problems."

According to the mother of Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil, those problems include being hooked on heroin and cocaine. Blake continues to stand up for Amy however, saying:

There’s a few problems there but certainly nothing of the magnitude that my mum was falsely quoted as saying.

Of course Blake - your mother was falsely quoted, and Amy never confessed to her that she was a coke and heroin addict, and you're a lovely person and all is right with the world. And according to you, the rehab Amy's in is really a "retreat." So this is how it works: Amy denies being on drugs, and you deny she's really in rehab, but you both acknowledge that you have "problems" without specifying what they are. And you think that by doing this dance you will somehow trick people into believing Amy isn't a complete boozy, druggy wash-out? Good luck with that.




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TMZ TV Already In Trouble?

There's trouble a-brewin' at TMZ. The gossip website, which has become a top destination for celeb watchers despite its shoddy journalism, is set to launch a new TV venture at the beginning of September - but, reportedly, preparations for this new show are not as far along as they should be, which is causing a lot of tension. Of course, in the world of heartless executives, the answer to any sort of problem is firing someone - hence the canning of TMZ TV's co-executive producer Bryn Friedman. No real reason has been given for why Friedman was let go - the only explanation Page 6 could come up with is that fellow execs Harvey Levin and Jim Paratore's fighting was placing the show in jeopardy, and someone decided that Bryn was a convenient person to blame for all the acrimony.

So there you go - two insecure males spar with each other, causing the show's preparations to be held up, and the solution is to fire the woman. Bryn Friedman is not taking the matter lying down however - she has reportedly contacted celebrity lawyer Marty Singer, with the intention of suing TMZ. Harvey Levin, aka Paris Hilton's new bitch now that Elliot Mintz is out of the picture, insists he has not been fighting with Paratore, and that TMZ TV is right on-schedule for a September 10th launch. Said Levin:

I don't know what you're talking about - the set is the [TMZ.com] newsroom and I love Jim, he's like my brother! And while I'm on the show, there is an ensemble cast. It is different than a traditional magazine show.

Different how, Harvey? In that there will be no pretense whatsoever to journalistic credibility? If the show's anything like your site, it is sure to be a trainwreck. Maybe you could spruce it up some by including a tour of your S&M dungeon. You know, the one where you take all the Filipino boys you're always buying. See? I can make up shit out of thin air too.

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Dour Dunst

Why is Kirsten Dunst so sad?

a. She just can't stop thinking about all the poor people suffering in Darfur.
b. She just realized that her acting career peaked when she was 12.
c. Andy Dick just told her a joke.
d. She got hold of some really, really bad pot.
e. Like everyone, she's terribly worried about Britney's babies.

More Discomfort With Rumer Willis

Here's another pic of Rumer Willis on the set of her new movie House Bunny. Thankfully she is not half-naked this time. However, the shot inevitably causes us to think about oral sex. Rumer Willis performing oral sex. Which is not something we ever want to think about.

Winehouse Out Of Rehab

The exploits of singer Amy Winehouse are becoming almost impossible to keep up with. The last we'd heard, Amy and husband Blake Fielder-Civil had flown to the U.S. to check themselves into rehab. Two problems: They never came to the U.S., and Blake never checked into rehab. Now we know that Amy alone entered treatment at the Causeway Clinic in Essex, England - and, as of today, she is already back out. So eager was Amy to get the hell away from rehab, in fact, that she reportedly flew out in a helicopter. And where did Amy and old Blake go first? The Old Eagle in Camden. Not to drink ginger ale.

Amy, we'd heard, entered rehab after a family meeting called on her behalf degenerated into fisticuffs between her father and Blake's. She was supposedly worried that her drug issues were "tearing her family apart." Now she says that, after "having a couple of good meals" in rehab, she's fit as a fiddle and ready to resume her former life. Guess those concerns about her family weren't so deep after all. And this Blake character - it's obvious that Amy's family despises him, and thinks he's enabling Amy's bad habits. But what can they do? She married the asshole. Now it's rumored they want to move to Miami Beach. This is a great plan because, one, it gets them away from Amy's family; and, two, it's Miami Beach - the perfect place for someone who's trying to get off drugs.

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Mayer Now Hitting Diaz

John Mayer is a fast worker. Just yesterday we reported that he had been seen having lunch in SoHo with chubby starlet Mandy Moore. Now comes word that, the very same evening, Mayer took out a completely different famous skank - zit-faced pothead Cameron Diaz. Said a source:

Cameron and John were strolling along the street hand-in-hand. They were nuzzling each other and looked besotted.

Sorry but, ew. The thought of Cameron Diaz nuzzling anyone makes me ill. Not that Mandy Moore is such a great catch herself, but damn - I think John went with the wrong broad this time. Diaz has been around more times than the drum in a drier. At least Mandy is relatively fresh. Ah - but that's probably the trouble. John just got through with one naive youngish girlfriend in Jessica Simpson, and didn't really feel like moving right on to another. So he went with experience. A lot of experience. Plus, Cameron probably scores a lot of great shit. Not that John doesn't too, but you know, you can never have enough.

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Happy Beckhams

David Beckham made everyone happy by scoring a goal in his soccer game last night. Trust me - Posh is happy there. It may not look it, but that's only because, as we know, if Posh allows herself to crack a smile her face will literally break in half and fall off. She has to keep that "holding in a shit" face on all the time, even when she's not holding in a shit.

Britney's New Boy?

Britney Spears and Criss Angel Mindfreak are probably screwing. Some pro-Britney site called BreatheHeavy (should be called MouthBreathers) claims the two were only working on Britney's upcoming "surprise" VMA appearance when they were seen having dinner yesterday, but other sources claim they were spotted going into a hotel at four in the morning. So you draw your own conclusions. I know what mine is - these two had wild sex at about four in the morning. And then Criss sawed Britney in half and went to get a coffee.

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Samantha Ronson Has A New Fake Friend

With her old fake friend Lindsay Lohan in rehab, Samantha Ronson needed someone new to pretend to like. Thankfully, Nicole Richie is just as big an idiot as Lindsay, and is therefore willing to let the ugly, soulless Ronson glom onto her like a big, green, sticky booger. Here we see the two of them at Justin Timberlake's show at Madison Square Garden last night. Nicole is really enjoying her prego-boobs. Let's hope Ronson doesn't get any ideas.

Avril In China

Avril Lavigne has taken her act to China. The Chinese are trying to kill us with lead-tainted baby bibs and rat poison-laden dog food, but of course they love Avril because she's Canadian. Or maybe they're just all so repressed there that even this scraggly piece of tail makes them horny as fuck. I wonder if China has their own version of Perez Hilton. Some ching-chongy bastard who draws shit on pictures, and talks sub-literate crap about people thinking it's hysterical. Avril's probably over there right now begging the chink Perez to be nice to her. I hope slanty-Perez bitch-slaps her, then calls the secret police to haul her scrawny butt away to some chain-gang or whatever the hell they have over there. China and Avril deserve each other, if you ask me.

Lohan In Utah

This is the first picture to trickle out of Lindsay Lohan since she entered rehab in Utah. All during her last rehab stay there were pictures of her boxing and working out and other shit, and none of it meant a damn thing - she was on the phone to her coke dealer within ten minutes of getting out. And why will this time be any different? It won't. Lindsay is simply too young and dumb to realize she's screwing her life up. Maybe when she gets to be forty - if she's still living by then - she'll develop the beginning of a clue, and stop with all the denials and rationalizations and other shit. But until that day comes, Lindsay will go on believing nothing she does is bad, and all her problems are caused by people other than herself.

Halle Berry Preggers

Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry has become pregnant by her hot hot hot boyfriend Gabriel Aubry. According to the National Enquirer, Halle is already two months along. Did I mention that Gabriel Aubry is hot?

Halle, a diabetic, is said to be concerned that her pregnancy could be a tough one. Quoting a source:

She's wanted a baby for so long. But at the same time, she's scared because she is very aware of the complications that having diabetes can cause during pregnancy. She's doing everything possible to make sure her baby is born healthy.

Enough about Halle and her dumb baby - let's talk about Gabriel Aubry. Isn't he hot? Damn - but he's fucking Halle Berry. How come all the good ones are taken by straight women? And we're left with Clay Aiken and Ryan Seacrest. Eh, I guess Seacrest isn't too bad - if you can get past those absurd teeth.

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Natalie Portman Rides A Bike

Natalie Portman is so with it - she doesn't just ride around on a bike, she rides around on a vintage-looking bike with super-cool fenders. And she dresses like a chick from a Godard film. Next I expect to see her hawking newspapers in the street and flirting with Jean-Paul Belmondo. Plus she cares about wildlife - she went to Rwanda recently to film a documentary about gorillas with wildlife expert Jack Hanna. And she made it back without becoming the number 5 wife of some warlord who drives around in an old army jeep with fifteen AK-toting thugs hanging off it. Every geek on earth wants to have sex with Natalie, and why not? She's a hottie, and she seems smart. The bike and the rolled-up pants cuffs are overdoing it though. Yeah okay Nat, we know - you're a Bohemian. I bet you and Maggie Gyllenhaal meet up for lattes in the Village every day, don't you?

Christina Aguilera Is So...Pretty?

Christina Aguilera shops for stuff for the new house she and husband Jordan Bratman just bought. Yes, their new house is the old Osbourne house. Imagine how disgusting - scrubbing out Jack's old bedroom. They're going to need hazmat suits, and lots of incredibly powerful cleaning products. Maybe Christina could give the room a good scrub-down with whatever she uses to wash the gook off her face. Naw, that would just melt the floor out.

Crazy New Britney Revelations. Ugh, More?

US Magazine continues pounding the shit out of Britney Spears. They were responsible for the story about her getting naked with a college student in a pool, and now they've rounded up a bunch of her former nannies and gotten them to spill more "shocking revelations" about her crappy parenting. Among the "new" stories is one that says Britney drinks in front of the kids. Quoting the source:

At first, the drinks would help her loosen up and not be so angry. But she’d inevitably drink too much and be out of it, at which point the nannies would take care of the kids.

Another nanny says that Britney once wanted her to sleep in the same bed with her and Sean Preston. I don't know what's so wrong with that though - in Louisiana they just call that hospitality. Somewhat more troubling is the report that Britney habitually undresses in front of the help and solicits their opinions about her looks. Said a source:

She’ll strip down in front of staff, nannies, whomever. She’ll ask, "Do I look sexy? Do I look pretty?" She’s extremely insecure.

No shit, Sherlock. Jesus, when are these people going to tell us something we don't know? Sorry, but I'm tired of all these revelations that aren't revelations. Britney's a drunk, Britney's a bad mom, Britney's insecure about her body, blah blah blah. Here's what I really want to know - what the hell does US have against Britney Spears? Why are they whacking this chick around harder than almost any other magazine?

I think I may know the answer. A pal of the Crabster's turned him on to a story from last year about Britney and Kevin Federline suing US for libel over a piece they ran about the couple having a sex tape. The suit was eventually thrown out, but US had to spend a ton of money defending itself. So, could US now be getting revenge against Britney by deliberately stoking the flames of controversy around her? It's gotten to the point now where it seems you can say anything you want to about Britney and people will buy it. Part of this is Britney's fault - she shaved her head in front of the cameras, and attacked paparazzi on a couple of occasions, setting herself up as a complete wacko. And US and other publications have run with this "Britney is crazy" angle, unleashing more and more outrageous accusations - they know they can get away with this crap, because people already think Britney is totally unhinged.

Clearly, people are talking junk about Britney because they have a personal axe to grind. The girl seems to have pissed a lot of people off along the way - the sort of thing you would expect when someone is basically a low-rent individual who has no idea how to manage their own life or career. At this rate, Britney is not going to have a single friend left - and don't mention "Cousin" Alli to me; that bitch is clearly only in it for her own career, and will sell Britney out the second those lawyers start grilling her. Yeah, US clearly has it out for Britney - but let's face it, Britney has invited much of this scorn and abuse. She needed to be surrounded by better managers, people who could make her keep her shit in order - but clearly the people around her slipped into mindless sycophancy, and Britney got used to all this, and now just gets rid of anyone who says or does anything she doesn't like. It's hard to really find a hero in this story - US is creepy for piling on Britney in this way, but Britney is certainly not blameless in the disintegration of her own image. The whole thing is just one big hilariously entertaining mess.

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Madonna Shoots Up On Plane

Pop-geezer Madonna has revealed the secret to remaining fit and firm at an advanced age - vitamin shots. Apparently these injections are all Madonna needs now - she no longer eats, and only drinks sips of bottled water (at least Posh will munch the occasional pretzel).

The truth of Madonna's minimalist approach to nutritional intake came out during a recent transatlantic flight, when passengers bore "shocked witness" to the superstar whipping out a needle and shoving it into her arm. Other people on the plane say Madonna didn't eat a bite during the whole seven-hour flight (don't people know how to mind their own business?) and only spoke to ask flight attendants for bottled water. Apparently, the vitamin shots give Madonna the energy boost she needs to not simply collapse in a heap of veins, wiry teenager muscles and BoTox residue. Personally, I want scientific confirmation that it was actually vitamins in the needle. Did anyone get a good look at the thing? There wasn't, for instance, a greenish glow about it? And what about the prescription slip? It wasn't signed by a "Dr. Herbert West" by any chance?



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Mayer Moves In On Moore

Fake bluesman John Mayer likes pretending to sleep with goody-goody former pop-tarts. He just got done being in a highly-publicized faux-relationship with hootery preacher's daughter Jessica Simpson, and now the Albert King wannabe has been spotted going around with chunky, pleasant role model Mandy Moore.

I will say this about Moore - the men she goes out with at least have library cards. You know Zach Braff has read a few books (mostly dirty ones), and I'm pretty sure Mayer's gone through at least the first couple of Harry Potters. That's a far-cry from the men Mandy's fellow former pop-cutie Britney Spears perfers. If Britney were in some guy's house and he whipped out a book, she'd probably stare at it with perplexity for a second, then ask, "How come you're looking inside that couch-propper thingie?" Not Mandy - she's substantial. At least compared to Jessica Simpson, who used to nod off any time John started reading Byron to her. All right, it was Dr. Seuss. John tried introducing Jess to the wonders of Horton Hears a Who, but she would just stick her thumb in her mouth and drift into her dreams of living in Candy Land.

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Michael Jackson Ticks Off Tito

Michael Jackson has run afoul of his brother Tito after missing the wedding of Tito, Jr., one of Tito's sons by the late Dolores DeeDee Martez. Yes, now it's Tito who needs the tissue.

Tito, Jr.'s bride, Trini Poncedelleon, is more forgiving of her uncle-in-law's failure to show for the nuptials. Said Trini:

It hurt him [Tito] but since the court case it's sunk in that people will try to take advantage of him.

Of course everyone's always trying to take advantage of Michael - and he never once in his life took advantage of anyone else. He never, for example, used his fame and fortune to trick the parents of small boys into letting said boys stay over at his Neverland ranch so he could get them drunk on Jesus Juice and touch their willies. That stuff was all just made up by evil people who wanted to exploit him. Whatever - these people are all delusional. And Tito should really be locked up for allowing Tito, Jr. to take that picture with Michael up there. That is perhaps the most disturbing picture ever. The only thing sicker would be a picture of Kathy Griffin having sex with Andy Dick. And that would be so sick that the entire universe would immediately explode.

(By the way - what the hell kind of name is Trini Poncedelleon? Why not Trini Vascodegama or Trini Amerigovespucci? Yeah, I paid attention in history class.)

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Nicolas Cage - Bald And Hungry

Nicolas Cage has himself a bite to eat in Capri. Nice sand-trap there Nic. I think it might be time to consider Rogaine. Or plugs. Or maybe you could have your kid Kal-El fly backward around the earth, winding time back to when you had hair. And a career.

Damn dude, you gonna eat all of that? Bald washed-up fat-ass.

A Spot Of Tara

The place I got this picture from titled it, "Tara Reid leaving Nobu after a night of partying with friends." Do you think Tara's ever left a party under her own power, looking in such good shape? I didn't think so either. Lying place.

Kid No. 5 In The Offing For Brad And Angie

Humanitarian Angelina Jolie and her miserable kept-man Brad Pitt are planning on traveling to Ethiopia in a couple of months to adopt another kid, bringing their tally of non-bio children to a nice round four. A source close to the couple says they feel it's time for daughter Zahara to have a fellow African to bond with, plus they think another kid will help strengthen their strained relationship. Said the source:

Angie in particular feels very strongly that while Shiloh will grow up seeing the family resemblance between herself and her natural parents, and Maddox and Pax will feel a connection through their birthplaces, Zahara has no such close-knit bond. ... They hope that by finding an Ethiopian brother or sister - preferably sister - for her, it will help Zahara feel more comfortable and happy in her own skin. ... Both Brad and Angelina are incredibly excited about the latest addition to the Jolie-Pitts and if anything will bring them closer together, then this is it.

Yes, I'm sure Brad is incredibly excited - cause he always looks it in the pictures. Let's be honest - this has nothing to do with what Brad wants or thinks is best. This has to do with Angie having some kind of supernatural hold over him. There's no other explanation for why this guy would allow himself to become the unhappy creature he's become.

And as to the whole Zahara needs an African friend to play with...sorry, but I'm tired of rehashing Angie's crazy logic when it comes to maintaining the racial balance of the family. Angie is obviously acutely conscious of race. Does this make her some kind of racist? I don't know. I just think it's curious that a woman who portrays herself as an embracer of humanity is so hung-up on what color her kids are. Seems to me that they're all Americans now, or citizens of the Western world at the very least. So what difference does it make that Pax and Maddox both happen to have been born in Southeast Asia? How much of that do you think either of them remembers at this point? Their lives are all about fast food and video games and having their picture taken with that creepy lady who insists they call her mommy now. They've left the rice paddies and the mud huts far behind - so, they should be able to relate just as easily with white American kids as they do with other Asian kids. Same for Zahara. Assuming Zahara is able to relate to anyone in a peaceful way. Frankly, the kid looks angry. I hope whoever Angie and Brad decide to adopt for her can handle abuse. Maybe Angie can teach the new kid how to use a knife.

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Jim Carrey, Your Girlfriend Is A Slut

Jenny McCarthy parties at the Moon Night Club in Las Vegas - without boyfriend Jim Carrey. Nice Posh-hair Jenny. So how many of those guys did you end up screwing? Not the drunken Filipino business-man in picture number 3 I hope. The hunk who's whispering in your ear in picture 1 and touching your knee in pic 2 though - you were all over that, weren't you? Can't say I blame you. Life with that schizo loser Carrey must be a terrible drag. Dude hasn't said or done anything funny since he was talking with his butt-cheeks. He's probably one of those Tantric freaks too. No wonder you disguise yourself as Posh and hit the clubs when he's gone Jenny. I would too.

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Rumer On The Red Carpet

Rumer Willis at the premiere of Superbad. Memo to Rumer - everyone else has ditched the hats, even Britney. Also, it looks like an army of gay snails marched across your dress. That is all.

Winehouse Chooses Rehab After All

Repulsive singer Amy Winehouse and husband Blake Civil-Fielder have decided to admit they're drug-addicts and seek treatment. I wonder what finally convinced them? Looking in the mirror and realizing they both appear to have died some time late in 2006?

Actually, according to the Daily Mail, Amy came to the realization that she needed help after her family and Blake's came to blows during a family meeting. Amy then tried convincing Blake to get a Pete Doherty-style implant, but Blake refused. After consulting with a doctor, Amy settled on a rehab in the U.S., and she and Blake are reportedly there now. No word yet on the location of the rehab, but a quick parusal of the seismic records for the last couple of days ought to give it away. Bad shakes, you know.

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Nick And Vanessa - Still Around

Haven't heard much from Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo since their little trumped-up naughty video controversy. Guess no one ever explained to them the concept of following up on good publicity. You're supposed to announce humanitarian work or that you're starring on Broadway right after something like that, but Nick and Vanessa have basically just faded back into the woodwork. Nick's starting to take on a certain tense, Brad-like quality isn't he? It's time for him to ditch Vanessa, who is obviously bad news, and find himself a new starlet. Jessica Alba's available - and we know Nick doesn't mind herpes, cause he's already fucking Vanessa Minnillo (who also fucked Derek Jeter).

Kelly Ripa Takes An Evil Stroll

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos walk to the set of their new Tide Ultra commercial. The guy between Kelly and Mark looks like Timothy Hutton's retarded, show-tune singing brother. The guy on the left looks like he might have been friends with Vito on The Sopranos, before Phil's guys did Vito with the pool cues and rammed one up his rectum. Pool cue. Rectum. Consuelos would probably enjoy that eh? He looks like what George Lopez would be had George not been hit with the wonky stick. No comment on Ripa.

Nicole Has A Friend

Nicole Richie parades her new prego-boobs around in the company of Mischa Barton. Great - now Mischa's going to get pregnant so she can also have boobs. Why can't these bitches just get implants if they want boobs? Don't they care about the miserable little children they're bringing into the world? If they want kids they should just adopt some horribly wretched children that they can then raise to the level of mere misery. They'd be doing humanity a favor then. Spreading their own genes around is just cruelty.

By the way, Mischa - your outfit looks like a pair of boxer shorts cinched way up under your non-boobs. You do realize that, right?

Spot The Baby

Go home, Britney.

Britney's Bodyguard Served

Britney Spears's ex-bodyguard Daimon Shippen - the scruffy-haired guy everyone thought was her boyfriend for about ten minutes - is the latest to be served by Kevin Federline's subpoena-happy lawyers. Shippen was reported to be "shocked" when this happened - shocked that he would be called to give a deposition about Britney's parenting skills? Didn't he have to know that day was inevitable? You know, sort of like Michael Madsen there in his trailer in Kill Bill, just knowing the Bride would be along for him one of these days?

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Tom, Katie And Suri At The Zoo

Suri's a squirmy little bugger. Tom needs to give her some of whatever sedative he keeps Katie on.

Oh, that's right - Scientologists don't believe in drugs. Uh-huh.

Rosie O'Donnell Scares Off Biker

Rosie O'Donnell had an unpleasant encounter with a homophobic motorcycle jerk while on vacation in Florida with her partner Kelli Carpenter this weekend - and was of course eager to tell us all about it by writing a dorky "poem" in her blog. Take it away Rosie O.:

tonight dinner in so beach
a very gay city
kel and i
in r pt cruiser - top down

we had just finished eating
about to head home
2 2 many people
when

along
came a bald screaming infuriated man
it’s always a man
i tell ya

i stood next to his hog
when kel backed out
so as not to hit it
i ride

as i buckled my belt
he ran towards r car
angry
“MY MOTORCYCLE BLAH BLAH !!!”

“chill dude -
we didn’t touch it”
his eyes were wild
stretched open wide

he got madder
pupils big - snorting like a dragon
FUCKING LESBIANS
he screamed

the trump card
always

and we r supposed to cower
to fall 2 r knees ashamed
not good enough
unworthy

not tonight
mr bald muscle man
with a pimped out hog
not tonight

i stood up in the front seat
hands above my head
smiled and yelled
CORRECT SIR - FUCKING LESBIAN!!!

he stormed back to his table
right there in the lincoln mall

I normally hate Rosie, because I think she's just a bully who uses her sexual preferences as a means of getting publicity for herself, but I have to say this was pretty cool. I wish I could've been there to see Rosie stare down this nasty closeted homo biker dude, and watch him slink away like the little gutless pansy he is. I'm telling you, 90% of these Hog-riding creeps are flaming, but of course they won't admit it to themselves which is why they have to become immersed in their little testosteronal Easy Rider/Marlon Brando fantasies. Talk about over-compensation.

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Federline Still A Loser

Poor Kevin Federline - he thinks he's a budding movie-star, but to Hollywood he's still nothing but a loser.

For some reason, Kevin got it into his head that he was supposed to be in the new Keanu Reeves movie The Night Watchman. Only problem - no one bothered to inform Fox Searchlight, the company that's making the movie. Kevin received his rude awakening when he showed up for wardrobe call and was told he didn't have a part. So what happened? The spin from the Federline camp is that Kevin did have a part but was fired, and his manager just forgot to tell him. Right Kevin! So how come Fox Searchlight says they never cast you in the first place? This dude is just delusional - he thinks he has parts in movies that no one ever signed him for. And this is the guy we're supposed to believe is fit to raise Britney's babies?

It's time to stop the pro-Kevin Federline express. The only difference between this douche and Britney is that Kevin knows to let lawyers and accountants handle his business. Otherwise, he's just as much of a low-rent piece of trash as Britney ever was.

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Matt Damon Rips Ben Affleck

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are still buddies - or at least they will be until Ben reads what Matt had to say about him in an interview. Let's just say that Matt is rather frank about the direction Ben's career has gone since they both won Oscars for writing Good Will Hunting (which we all know was actually 2/3 written by their pal Kevin Smith but whatever). Quoth Damon:

He picked [roles] that in hindsight weren't a good choice. I also think that if you end up on the cover of gossip magazines you're fucked. When people see you all the time there's no mystery about you any more and no one's going to want to go and see your movies.

Oh Matt - easy for you to say when you have a huge hit like The Bourne Ultimatum and poor Ben is just lucky anyone wants to take his picture while he's out playing with Violet in the sandbox. It isn't Ben's fault his dick got all hard for Jennifer Lopez, robbing him of the ability to reason properly and leading to him doing Gigli and Jersey Girl. That Jennifer's got a fine booty - what was Ben supposed to do, not rub his package against it? And Daredevil - clearly, Ben was using a lot of hair-restoration products at the time, which obviously soaked into his skull and short-circuited his judgment. There's no way Ben Affleck in his right mind takes that part. But, we all make mistakes and have to move on from then. And we all sort of hope that our friends will be there to support us - but obviously, Matt, you're more interested in taking shots at Ben in interviews than you are in helping the boy out. So much for that blood oath you guys swore once upon a time. And so much for those hot, sticky nights in your tent, when Ben introduced you to the joys of butt-sex. Sad.

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Angelina's Bodyguard Pulls Gun On Stalker

Angelina Jolie's Chicago stay got a little dangerous a couple days ago when, reportedly, one of her bodyguards pulled a gun on a stalker who was staked out in her hotel. According to TheseBootsAreMadeforStalking.com, Angie's FBI- and military-trained security detail spotted the fellow, an apparent long-time Jolie stalker, hiding in a stairwell, and one of them let the guy know he wasn't welcome by whipping out his piece. There's nothing in the report about whether Jolie had any of her children with her at the time, or whether Brad was there.

Of course, we are all glad that no harm came to Angelina. It would've been terrible had this nutty stalker jumped out from his place in the stairwell, fought his way through Angie's giant, heavily-armed guards and touched the holy-one. I'm fairly certain that, if mortal hands make physical contact with Angelina, she is immediately called back to Olympus by the gods - but don't quote me on that.

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She Didn't Touch It

Alli Sims gets served with a deposition subpoena. If she doesn't touch it, does she think the lawyers will just let it drop?

A Little Gummi Livens Up Any Party

This is Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis at Paris Hilton's big Malibu beachhouse party over the weekend. That stuff on his torso has been described by other sites as a "smiley face" drawn with sunscreen, but I think Gummi just put too much mayo on his hot dog and it squirted out the end all over him. By the way, the fact that Paris would invite Gummi to her party says all we need to know about Paris, doesn't it?

Okay it's sunscreen.

Alli Gets Served

Britney Spears's lackey/lolli-friend Alli Sims has been served with a deposition subpoena by Kevin Federline's lawyers, reports People. Federline is trying to gain full physical custody of his and Britney's sons Jayden James and Sean Preston, and Sims will be required to testify about Britney's parenting skills. Alli has said in the past that Britney is a good parent - but it will be interesting to see what she says under oath.

Crabbie's prediction - when faced with the prospect of a perjury charge, Alli suddenly remembers lots of times when Britney wasn't such a great mom.

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Brad, Angie & The Kiddies

Brad and Angie haul the kids out to a museum in Chicago. Maddox looks like he's biting that guy's hand but he really isn't. Good thing they brought the stroller along for when they finally get past the photographers and Angie can put Shiloh down. Brad appears thrilled, doesn't he? "No pussy in the universe is worth this," he grumbled to himself.



Everyone keeps telling me what a beautiful baby Shiloh is. What? She looks like Charles Laughton, for God's sake. Plus her head is almost the same size as Angie's. I think I understand what Angie meant by the blob comment now.