Suri Walks

Katie Holmes helps daughter Suri cross the street. Of course, Suri has been walking since three minutes after she exited Katie's mechanical womb, so this is no big deal. Still cute though.

Jake And Reese Still Together. Sly Dogs.

You can throw out all those Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon aren't together anymore stories, cause they're obviously still together. Either that or they've begun carpooling. I personally don't see what Jake sees in Reese - I guess he just likes phony little dwarves who eat penises for lunch.

Britney's Waning Clout

The only person who doesn't seem to realize Britney Spears is over is Britney Spears. This weekend, Britney showed up at the Wynn Las Vegas hotel hoping to have a little R&R with the kiddies (because otherwise their lives are so strenuous), and in typical pop-star fashion, started making all sorts of silly demands. Britney, it's reported, wanted the hotel to baby- and puppy-proof her room by covering the furniture, curtains and carpets in plastic. Then, Britney started hitting up various places around town, including Circus Circus and Siegfried & Roy's Miracle Garden with its baby dolphin, asking them to close down so she and her kids could enjoy them in peace and privacy. When all was said and done, though, Britney wound up being chucked out of the Wynn Las Vegas (in part because her bodyguard beat up a photographer outside), and was told by both Circus Circus and S&R's Miracle Garden to go take a hike. The Vegas trip was such a disaster, in fact, that Britney ended up returning early to L.A. where apparently people are more willing to fawn over her.

The lesson for Britney: You only get the perks of stardom when people actually want to be associated with you. They don't give you free stuff or go out of their way for you because they like you - they want your name mentioned in connection with their hotel/attraction because it's good for business. But nowadays, being associated with you is anything but good.

(source)

Thanks again Kitty.

Judge Tells Dina And Michael To Seek Counseling

Battling dirt-bags Dina and Michael Lohan have been told by a Long Island judge that they must both undergo individual counseling before a ruling can be made in their on-going battle over Michael's visitation rights concerning children Ali and Cody. In another development, Michael has withdrawn a request for Dina to be ordered to undergo drug testing (big of him). Outside the courtroom, Michael went through his usual spiel about troubled Lindsay:

The [movie] industry certainly doesn't help. Success doesn't help. ... She needs to get out of Hollywood," he said of Lindsay, to whom he has not spoken in months. She needs to be on Long Island with her family and just have us around her like she did when she did her best.

Come on Michael - how the hell do you expect her to score coke if she's got her family around her all the time? And why in hell would anyone think being exposed to you and that evil witch Dina would do anyone any good? She'd be better off in a crackhouse having her hair brushed by some toothless old hag who keeps swatting invisible flies away and muttering about the mothership. No, the toothless hag is not Whitney Houston.

(source)

Law And Diaz Only Friends

Hot bald actor Jude Law is denying that he and dog-face Cameron Diaz are in the midst of a fling. Said his spokesperson:

He hasn't seen her for months. They're friends but that's it.

So they haven't been hooking up since Jude came to L.A. to work on his new movie Repossession Mambo? That's disappointing - I was really hoping for some hot sex pics of Jude and Cameron. Guess I'll just have to settle for my fantasies of Jude naked and covered in oil on top of a black stallion.

(source)

Tom Cruise Making Over David Beckham?

Hot ball-kicker David Beckham has always been known for being shy and reserved in front of cameras - but since his move to America, David has seemed much more assured, and has even lowered his usually high, girly speaking voice. So what the hell's going on? Someone, say experts, has been coaching David - and that someone is none other than Tom Cruise.

Yes, everyone's favorite Scientologist has gotten his hooks into Beckham. Here's what an inside source had to say about Beckham's recent introductory press conference in L.A.:

David's performance was so slick and assured it's clear the advice from Tom has been rubbing off. David has always been quite shy in front of the cameras. ... He's got a squeaky Cockney accent normally and he talked into his chest. While wife Victoria could turn on the charm, David always looked uncomfortable with that side of fame and preferred to do his talking on the pitch. But Tom's being drumming into him that Americans expect their stars to be able to be all-singing, all-dancing.

David, apparently, has picked up a few of Tom's mannerisms too, including a tendency to extend his arms toward the audience while speaking. Creepy. Really creepy. Hopefully, Poshy will be able to rescue David before he's completely sucked into Tom's alien web. Just rub your big fake tits in his face Posh - he'll come around. Either that or you'll smother him to death - which would still be better than winding up as Tom's zombie minion.

(source)

Pete Doherty Wants Kate Moss Back

Pete Doherty has been prevented from making contact with Kate Moss ever since she threw his ass out of the house. So, Pete has resorted to a desperate measure - prevailing on Moss via an interview in The Mirror, which is reportedly the cokehead model's favorite UK rag (she reads?). Says Pete of his little Katiepoo:

I love her with all my heart. I like the way she walks and talks. I love her bones. I love her brain.

He loves her spleen and colon too. He ain't so crazy about her left earlobe but he's sure they can work that out.

Pete talks of being completely shut out of Moss's life since the break-up:

There's been this lockdown and I can't get hold of her. This is the only way I can get through. ... I need her to know that she's out of her fucking mind. Kate, if you love me then realise I don't want any other girl. ... Do I still love her? Don't ask me that question. Why do you think I'm here today talking to you? I'm here to tell her that I love her. ... Fucking hell man, why does she read the Daily Mirror, anyway? She moans all the time about the fucking paparazzi then first thing in the morning she's got to buy your paper.

I'll tell you why she buys the Mirror first thing every morning Pete - it's to find out if you've been fucking around again. Not that she would necessarily need a paper to tell her that. All she has to do is know you're breathing, and she knows you're fucking around.

Pete then talks about the circumstances of their break-up:

Kate - a nasty old rag. We fell out for the same old reason. She accused me of fucking this girl who lives around the corner. ... We were watching a DVD together and Kate started going "I could tell by the way you were sitting back there that you've fucked her." I said "You're out of your fucking mind." ... I was really up for some peace and love that morning. I wasn't up for being called a cock and being kicked in the head. ... She's got an awful temper. I grabbed a guitar and books and said "I'm never going to be treated this way again."

Oh, okay - you left, she didn't kick you out. Sure Pete. Oh, and by the way - in the midst of reaching out to your cosmic lover, might you explain to us about this artist Christine you proposed to the same day you broke up with Kate?

I made rather a rash gesture. It was more in a fit of anger. I asked this bird Christine to marry me. ... She's gone back to Paris and I don't know what to do.

Right Pete - everyone asks random women to marry them just cause they're pissed at someone.

Of course, the really big issue in Pete's life is drugs. It seems like he has to get himself cleaned up if he has any chance at getting back in Kate's good graces. So how's that going Petey?

They gave me an anti-drugs implant. I was under very, very heavy sedation. Then they gave me a sticker warning the emergency services that I shouldn't be given any morphine. All my receptors are now blocked which means I can't enjoy the recreational use of Class A drugs. Inside, I feel a little more chirpy than I have for a long, long time. But that's only because there's a degree of stability around me that I haven't had for some time. ... The drugs have taken their toll. But I'm mending. The implant was only done a day and a half ago and I'm still healing up. It's going to take a couple of weeks for me to clean up. My arms especially. It's been dark. But I've come out of rehab a new man. ... I had the choice of prison or making some attempt to contain a wilfully dissolute lifestyle. But I was already booked in. It was always just a question of when I did it. I'm on a heavy course of antibiotics and sedatives. For a couple of weeks I'm just going to be a bit of a bag of bones. But I'm confident I can clean up.

Sure Pete - and we're all pulling for you (he's screwed).

(source)

So Innocent...For Now

Taylor Momsen at the premiere of Underdog. Ah look - the puppy's got a little pink bow. Isn't Taylor just the picture of sweetness with her puppy and her little dress?



"Wanna score some blow baby?"

"You know it."

"Cool."

"Far out."

"I am so in aren't I?"

"Fuck yeah."

Britney And Federline Make It Official

Britney Spears took time out from melting down today to hit up L.A. County Superior Court and finalize her divorce from rapper Kevin Federline. TMZ reports that Britney will have to cough up $15,000 a month in child support and another $20,000 in spousal support - with the latter expiring in November (hopefully Kevin will have found another sugar-mama by then). Also, despite Britney's recent erratic behavior, she and Kevin will continue sharing equal custody of SP and JJ. The custody matter, however, has not entirely been settled - both Britney and Kevin are said to be unhappy with the arrangement; and Kevin, it's been reported, is ready to go to court as early as this week in his pursuit of full custody. Britney has better lawyers though, meaning Kevin will probably have to settle for a 50/50 arrangement - which makes us wonder how insane Britney has to behave before the state intervenes on behalf of the kiddies.

(source)

May Xenu Bless Jenna Elfman's Child

Freaky Scientology chick Jenna Elfman has given birth to a son, Story Elias. No word yet on whether it was a silent birth or whether Jenna, at the moment of truth, just said fuck it and screamed her head off. Tom Cruise is at the hospital now waiting to take possession of the child, so he can add it to his army of Xenu-worshipping baby disciples/future spouses.

(source)

Bitch-Rumble - Rob Schneider v. Dina Lohan

Comedian Rob Schneider is firing back at Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina, who criticized the Deuce Bigalow star for making fun of Lindsay on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno the other evening. Schneider, dressed in drag, replaced Lindsay on Leno's program (she was busy hiding after her second DUI arrest), and delivered a rather amusing lampoon of the oft-rehabbing starlet, at one point swilling booze from a flask disguised as an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. This did not sit well with Dina, who apparently thinks Lindsay is above being made fun of. Said Dina in an awkwardly-worded statement:

We have a great respect for Jay Leno, but we are disappointed in the path he chose to allow a guest to make light of a very serious situation concerning Lindsay.

Now Schneider is giving it straight back to Dina. Said the comedian to People magazine:

When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I'll have an ounce of respect for her.

And Rob also took after Lindsay, offering the following:

I don't care if her parents are both crummy – you cannot blame your parents anymore. She's not a kid.

Still, Rob wishes Lindsay well:

I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there's so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan. ... I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself. ... She's very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who'd trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is.

Yes Rob. And now, please, would you kindly go away? You're not funny, and frankly, you have a weird face and you make us kind of sick.

(source)

Jude Law And Cameron Diaz Dating?

Jude Law and Cameron Diaz, pictured above in some movie called The Holiday that I've never seen and am never seeing, are reportedly an item in real-life now. Hollyscoop says Law is currently in the states, and that he and Cam have set up some "romantic" dates for this weekend. Reports an inside source:

Jude plans to take her on a series of dinner dates this week and just spend some time hanging out. Cameron and Jude really bonded while working together but now that friendship has turned to romance.

Dinner dates? Kind of funny, cause I always thought of Jude as more the knock her down and have your way with her type. Then again, Cameron's not exactly a push-over. She's got bigger arms than Jude, plus I'm pretty sure she carries a knife. It's probably a good idea for Jude to finesse this one - take her to dinner, then maybe slip something in her drink. Unconscious chicks are way easier to disarm.

(source)

Attack Of The Clones

It's been suggested that Victoria and David Beckham's boys aren't really normal biological children but clones - and looking at this picture, I would tend to agree with that theory. I think some mad scientist took some of David's primo DNA and implanted it into an egg, or however they do that shit, and just made three exact copies of him. Because think about it - since Poshy doesn't have a vagina, how could she possibly become impregnated and then give birth? Only normal females give birth, not mutant freak-job quasi-females with the bodies of 12-year-old boys (except for the unnaturally enormous breasts). No, I think some crazy guy just wanted to create a whole army of little Aryan supermen who would one day form the world's greatest soccer team. Poshy is just their babysitter really. Their incredibly uncomfortable-looking babysitter.

Paris An Ex-Heiress?

Have Paris Hilton's antics cost her her inheritance? According to Jerry Oppenheimer, who penned the Hilton family biography House of Hilton, Paris's grandfather Barron Hilton became very angry when Paris was thrown in the slammer for violating probation - so angry that he has decided to cut off the $60 million she was set to receive upon his death. Said Oppenheimer:

[Barron] was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris. He now doesn't want to leave unearned wealth to his family.

Barron also announced his intention to donate the entire proceeds - $2.4 billion - of the impending sale of Hilton Hotels to charity. He's so mad at Paris and the rest of his dirt-bag clan that he would probably rather chuck the money into the street and let random by-standers pick it up than give it to any of them. Of course it's all his own fault - he begat Rick, who married Kathy and with her begat Paris. Dirtbaggery doesn't just appear out of nowhere. Now old Barron is trying to wash his hands of the lot of them - but that dirt doesn't scrub off so easily.

(source)

The Reunion That Never Happened

Britney Spears' family headed to Vegas this weekend for some kind of tearful reunion - the only problem is that someone forgot to tell Britney. Yes, Lynne and Jamie Lynn did show up as we were told they would - according to Robin Leach's Vegas Luxe Life, the two were seen hanging out by the pool at Ceasar's Palace. Unfortunately, by that time Britney was already back in L.A., partying with some mystery man while sporting a dress that appeared to be made out of spaghetti.

The good news is that Paris Hilton showed up like she was supposed to, and went to the Fergie show with her sister Nicky. It's lucky too, cause Vegas would've been so dead otherwise...

(source)

Rachel McAdams Cares About Global Warming

Rachel McAdams rides a bike to a business meeting at the Four Seasons. See, here's a star who puts her (big butt) money where her mouth is. Sure, it's easy to preach about going green - but Rachel (huge ass) actually lives it. You won't see her lecturing the rest of us about our carbon footprint after hypocritically buzzing around on a smoke-belching motorcycle - she's the genuine article (enormous backside), a real environmental crusader (gigantic heinder). So, let's all raise our glasses to Rachel McAdams - a woman (gargantuan derriere) who knows that true activism (mammoth caboose) is about doing, not just saying (mix in a salad, bitch).

Dunst Kicks Borrell Out

Dentally-challenged "actress" Kirsten Dunst has reportedly chucked her rocker boyfriend Johnny Borrell out of their London flat for being too messy. Dunst, an OCD case, was finally pushed over the edge it's said by Johnny's habit of driving his scooter through the living room. Um, Kirsten dear - you're going out with a rock musician. These people are not known for being particularly tidy or well-behaved. So you're a neatnik - then get yourself a nebbishy accountant who likes keeping his ties nicely organized. Sure, the sex ain't gonna be so hot, but at least you won't have to worry about him leaving skid-marks on the carpet.

(source)

Doherty Back With Old Squeeze

Revolting would-be artist Pete Doherty is moving on from his break-up with cokehead model Kate Moss by getting back together with an old girlfriend, Nadine Ruddy. Pete and this Ruddy woman apparently had sex even while Pete was still together with Kate - or at least Kate suspected them of doing so, which is why she told Pete he wasn't ever allowed to see Nadine. Is there anything funnier than junkie drama?

Kate, according to insiders, is still missing Pete very badly - so the news that he's screwing Nadine again is liable to send her spiraling into jealous madness or something. Furthermore, it appears Nadine has talked Pete into going to rehab. What kind of blow would it be to Kate if Nadine managed the miracle of getting Pete to clean up? Yeah, okay - even Jesus couldn't pull that one off. But it was good for a chuckle.

(source)

Britney Update

I know you're all on the edges of your seats wondering what's been going on with Britney Spears this weekend. Apparently, there has actually been a positive development (yes, those do sometimes happen to Britney). According to Robin Leach's Vegas Luxe Life (Robin Leach is a blogger now - who knew?), Britney's brother Bryan has been brokering some kind of peace between her and mother Lynne, and today Lynne and little sis Jamie Lynn flew to Vegas perhaps to meet up with Britney themselves. If they do meet, however, it will not be in Steve Wynn's hotel. Britney, as reported earlier, was chucked out of the Wynn Las Vegas after her bodyguard Julio Camera got in a scuffle with a photographer outside. Now it's being reported that Steve Wynn himself ordered Britney, brother Bryan, the two kiddies and Julio out of his hotel - partly, it appears, because of some "outrageous diva-demands" Britney made when she first arrived (demands Robin Leach's site promises to fill us in on come Monday).

As for the bodyguard's fight with the photographer - it's being reported now that Julio could face up to six months in the slammer for assault. Also, Britney's charge that a paparazzo injured Sean Preston during the scrum has been shot down for lack of evidence (SP showed no sign of having been even so much as scratched), and no charges will be filed against the accused.

Britney has now reportedly been installed inside a room in Caesars Palace, and is planning to attend singer Fergie's concert at the Palms tonight. Also, it's being reported that Paris Hilton is in Vegas this weekend with her sister Nicky, and all the L.A. paps have made their way to Sin City to be there should the Hiltons wind up in the same place as Britney. Paris and Britney, we recall, made waves last year when they started partying together, but Britney eventually distanced herself from Paris, who was clearly a bad influence on her. Could there be some kind of crazy skank reunion tonight in Vegas? And if so, would it be asking too much for a meteor to hit the city?

(source)

(Thanks again to Crabbiefan Kitty Sheehan for the tip. I'd send you a thank you gift but I'm poor as dirt.)

It's All Your Fault

A British novelist and arts critic who goes by the name Bidisha is calling out the female readers of blogs like this one for their culpability in ruining the lives of young famous women like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Since Bidisha's Guardian piece is relatively short, I will re-print it in its entirety:

The Really Bad Girls

Those who collude in the public degradation of gifted young women are beneath contempt.

Bidisha
Saturday July 28, 2007
The Guardian

Who doesn't love to speculate about good girls gone bad? Well, people who like and respect women don't. Nor do people who recognise that the rules prescribing what constitutes a "good" female are bigoted and hypocritical. A good girl is charming and comely, and never does anything to upset the status quo. A good girl does not dare to challenge the position society has put her in. A good girl is the ideal helpmeet for a man, with neither a hair nor a thought out of place.

So it's a nasty shock for reactionaries to see Lindsay Lohan's latest police mugshot, in which she sends a fabulous look of "Yeah, I've been arrested. So what?" straight through the camera into the miasma of prurient dreck that is pop culture. So Lohan likes a drink. What's the problem? Women get drunk, fall over and hit the double standard face first. Further proof that womankind is pushing things a step too far is the news that Britney Spears acted brattishly at a recent photoshoot, wiping her hands on one dress and letting her pooch defecate on another.

Again, so what? Male power players have been abusing subordinates ever since they created the first hierarchies. Nobody points out that male violence is destroying the world. A drunk young rich guy is a crazed creative genius and cultural messiah who lives on the edge; his female counterpart is a sad strumpet. Or, in Britney's case, it's all put down to her ongoing "meltdown".

That is not to say that I want to even things up by watching talented women sabotage themselves with as much dedication as men. There is no glory in substance abuse or depression. They are debilitating conditions, deeply saddening for any friend, family or fan who must watch, wondering how they might help. But the avid readers of What Lindsay/Britney Did Next are not wondering that. The people who like to see a good girl go bad do so not because it provides young women with a vicarious means of joyful rebellion, but because they like watching a gifted woman get destroyed.

The strategy is the same whether we're talking pop princesses or actual ones. First, the target is goaded, speculated about. She is said to be too fat, too thin, unstable, unprofessional, a bad mother. Then, understandably, she begins to freak out and unwittingly vindicates the gossip. Then she is hounded some more until something - an arrest, an accident, a scandal, an eating disorder, a suicide - degrades her so much that the public finally sits back, satisfied that another promising female has been taken out of action.

The media that deal in pop freakouts don't report these stories so much as create them. If Britney Spears has had any kind of meltdown, who can blame her? She is followed wherever she goes by stalker-violators: some have cameras and call themselves paparazzi; some have notebooks and call themselves journalists; some have vaginas and call themselves concerned women of the world. All relish the harassment that they perpetrate. It is women (writers and readers) who are enjoying and encouraging the exposure of Lohan's drink and drugs hell or Spears's identity crisis, while saving space for a snide comment about their outfits. It is women who are getting off on other women's difficulties, while men in power carouse, abuse (and self-abuse) with impunity.

Who are the real "bad girls"? Not Lohan or Spears. The gossip magazines may be as punchy as a dose of Splenda, but they offer evidence that women have obediently taken on the values of a woman-hating world. We must recognise the part women play in the degradation of women: the ultimate betrayal.

Bidisha is a novelist and arts critic
contactbidisha@hotmail.com

So there you go girls - it's all your fault that Britney and Lindsay can't keep it together. Never mind that they sign deals with photo agencies and tip off paps as to where they're going to be, inviting this attention that's so destructive to them. And never mind that there are plenty of equally famous women who have no problem staying out of the spotlight, therefore preventing most of their personal travails from becoming public. Then there's Bidisha's assertion that Britney is a "gifted young woman" - that's so laughable I don't even know where to begin. Apparently Bidisha is tone-deaf, besides having a head full of recycled feminist dogma.

Now, let's all laugh at Lindsay's mugshot again:



Feel free, by the way, to shoot old Bidisha an email. Unless you're too ashamed by your evil reveling in gifted Britney's downfall.

(source)

She Still Doesn't Get It

Lindsay Lohan now knows her ship is sinking, and she's got to try her damnedest to salvage something before it's too late. That, I assume, is why she's decided to give a tell-all interview to OK! Magazine - the rag has probably offered her a great deal of money, and it's not like she's got any other big employment opportunities looming, especially now that she's become radioactive to movie producers. This is however completely the wrong thing for Lohan to do. If she had even a lick of sense, or anyone around her who could talk some into her, she would just shut the hell up - no interviews, no appearances, nothing. She needs to lay low now - really low. Go into rehab someplace and just sit there. No visits. No statements. No fucking around with men or operating from the inside like a jailed mobster. Then when the time comes she has to come back out and face the music - court, which will be a circus, and the inevitable jail-time (there's no way she's getting out of it). And then after that, she needs to lay low some more. For at least a year I would think. Get out of the public eye entirely and get things figured out. Then maybe - maybe - she can come back and try to get some movie work. She'll probably have to put up the dough for her own insurance at first, but it will be worth it - an investment in her future.
Of course she will need to be a model citizen then - she will need to show up on-time every day, not sass, not act like a little prima donna. And she will need to get serious about becoming an actress. No more crap about how natural she is, and she can just show up and do it. Obviously, she can't just show up and do it - the reviews of her new horror movie, which have mostly been pans, prove that.

Of course, for Lohan to carry out this plan, she would have to already possess some glimmer of serious concern for her own existence - and therein lies the rub. Cause, honestly, I don't think Lohan does give a shit. I think she would willingly piss her whole life away for a thrill or a fuck or a line. She has no appreciation whatsoever for anything - she is a completely ungrateful, shallow, remorseless pig of a human being. So, she will give a "tell-all" to a magazine, in which she tries to explain away her absurd behavior, and the other damaging stuff like saying "the black kid" was driving the car. She will spread more bullshit and lies about how it's all the paparazzi's fault, and her father's fault, and everyone's fault but hers. She will claim she doesn't do drugs or drink despite all the eyewitness testimony to the contrary. She will persist in her little game of denying what we all know is true, because that's how sociopathic scuzzwads like her play it. We might all be able to respect her if she had just a little finesse, but she's not even smooth - she's a dumb liar, and she takes stupid risks, and she's clumsy and doesn't express herself well. She's half-assed as a human being and half-assed as a con-artist. She is her mother's daughter and her father's too.

(source)

Boring Couple Alert

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen. These two make Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz look like Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. I think I'm going to call them the anti-coffee - cause they make me go back to sleep...

Dakota Fanning Scares Vampires

I know Dakota Fanning's still way young and therefore supposedly off-limits but...all right, let me put this delicately. Sometimes people who are really cute when they're young...let's just say they don't necessarily grow up still cute. Sometimes...oh Christ, I can't help it. What the hell is up with her head? And why is she so pale? Is she anemic or something? I'm not making fun, I'm just asking. I'm concerned, okay?

Hayden The Little Patriot

Hayden Panettiere took some time during her Fourth of July Washington, D.C. trip to visit the wounded soldiers at Walter Reed. Let's all salute Hayden's patriotic spirit (I'm sure the soldiers did, if'n you know what I mean).



"I damn near got my arm blown off defending America's freedom. And what's my reward? Some little white girl from a TV show almost rubbing her boob against me. You oppress my people for hundreds of years and now this? Fuck it. I'm moving to France..."



She's not licking the dog. That's good. That's very good.

Posh And Becks Go Shopping, Run Into Queen Latifah

Poshy drags David out shopping. At some point David will have to get sick of his whole life being turned into one big photo-op, won't he? Unless he's just that heavily-medicated.



The Beckses (that's what I'm calling them now) ran into Queen Latifah on their travels. Posh from behind is just about the strangest spectacle in the history of earth, isn't it? What the bloody fuck kind of hair-style is that? It looks like Phil Spector's hair turned around backward. And Latifah's just chillin', ain't she? Posh could take some lessons from her in how to just loosen the hell up.

Sienna Wears Some Terrible Shoes

Sienna Miller's all ready for her trip back in time to ancient Rome. Don't forget to bring the Crabster back a present Sienna. A couple of slave-boys would be nice, but make sure they're not deformed or anything 'kay? I ain't into that hard-core Caligula shit.

Michael Lohan Ordered To Get A Job

Michael Lohan continues to fight with ex-wife Dina over custody of their youngest kids Ali and whatever the boy's name is. Today in court, a judge ordered Michael to pay $500 a week in child support for the next two weeks - then told Michael he'd better start trying harder to find a job or else. In the interest of helping a fellow out, Crabbie offers the following job suggestions for Michael:


Tightrope walker. No net or pole provided. Sense of balance optional.
Perez Hilton's hair-stylist. Bring own hedge-clippers and Tang.
Baghdad crossing-guard.
Victoria Beckham's chef. Need only know one recipe: lightly-cooked single pea.
Door-to-door Bible salesman in Teheran.
Naomi Campbell's maid - bring a helmet, and possibly a flak-jacket.
Bai Ling's pimp.
John Wayne impersonator on Indian reservation. Alternative: George Custer impersonator on Indian reservation.
Dog-carcass remover (call Michael Vick)
Al Jolson impersonator in South Central L.A.
Speed bump.
Britney Spears's assistant. Other positions open: publicist, manager, agent, accountant, lawyer, cook, stylist, acupuncturist, massage therapist, tarot reader, manicurist, yoga instructor, dance teacher, voice coach, pretty much any other position that requires immense patience and the willingness to endure dogs crapping on your carpet.
Janitor.

(source)

Kelly Ripa Annoys Us Again

Kelly Ripa, minutes before the horrible accident with the runaway bakery truck. We wish.

What Does She Need Food For?

Posh shops at Whole Foods. We all know Posh doesn't eat, so she must've been there just to get her picture taken. The guy who's checking out her tits is her stylist by the way. He's clearly gay, so we know he's not turned on by her. Maybe he's just amazed at how fake they look. It won't be long, if you ask the Crabster, before Poshy's little plastic butt is back in Europe. Over there she was a fashion icon - here she's just some lame British chick with a soccer-playing husband who thinks she's a bigger deal than she is. Sorry Posh, but America's got Paris, Britney and Lindsay - it doesn't need you.

Richie Gets 4 Days In Can

Nicole Richie has been given 4 days in jail for DUI after copping a plea. The media figure will be given credit for one day served, meaning she will spend only 3 days in the can (I'm a math whiz). She has the choice of serving those 3 days in county or city jail - I'd go with whichever has the best banana nut muffins myself. She has until September 28 to serve her time. She was also given 3 years probation and a $2000 fine, and was ordered to attend an alcohol education course. A source described her demeanor in court as, "stoic and serious, but not emotional." You mean she didn't scream for her mommy like Paris? Damn Nicole - you need to learn to play this shit up more if you hope to ever become as big a media-whore as your buddy Hilton.

(source)

Greer Punctures Diana Myth

Feminist Germaine Greer has made a career out of being controversial. In her 1970 bestseller The Female Eunuch, Greer argued that all men fundamentally hate women, that females in our culture are taught from a young age to loathe themselves and fear their sexuality, and that the nuclear family set-up is stifling to a woman's natural energies. More recently, Greer came under fire for saying of beloved Aussie naturalist Steve Irwin's death, "The animal world has finally taken its revenge on Irwin." Now, in a new essay in Weekend Australian Magazine, Greer has turned her poison pen on another revered figure - the late Princess Diana.

"Slow," "devious" and "disturbingly neurotic" are terms employed by Greer in characterizing the "real" Diana. Says Greer of Diana's intellectual limitations:

Of the four Spencer children, Diana was the slowest. Because of her slowness, she was easily found out in her preposterous fibs.

Greer claims Diana's childhood nickname was "Brian" - "after the dopey snail on The Magic Roundabout on children's TV." Lack of overall brain-power notwithstanding, the early Diana evinced a talent for using people - at one point enlisting a friend to write a nasty letter to her father's second wife, Lady Raine Spencer. Says Greer:

Apparently she didn't have the courage to write her own letter ... in adulthood Diana became more, rather than less devious.

Greer goes on to describe Diana as "foolhardy," both in her "orchestration of her public persona" and in her well-publicized "sexual adventures." She even suggests that Diana's reckless, manipulative nature had a hand in bringing about her untimely death, saying:

The saddest thought of all is that Diana's death may have resulted indirectly from another of her kack-handed manipulations; it is said that she only went to Paris with Dodi Fayed in order to make heart surgeon Hasnat Khan jealous.

Greer goes on to attack Diana's reputation as a style-maven:

Diana was never a fashion icon; she dressed to the same demotic standard of elegance as TV anchorwomen do, plus the inevitable hat. ... It is precisely because she was basically anonymous that Diana's public could so easily identify her.

Greer also goes after Diana's status as a noted, fearless humanitarian, accusing her of "rushing into too many situations in which genuine angels would have feared to tread," and saying of her:

Her habit of popping up in the midst of other people's life crises must have startled some of her victims.

In summation, Greer offers this:

Diana's legacy is no more than endless column inches of adulation and speculation.

And a corny Elton John tune, Germaine.

(by the way, does the line "Her habit of popping up in the midst of other people's life crises must have startled some of her victims" remind us of anyone else?)

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Britney's Bodyguard Busts Guy's Head

Britney Spears's bodyguard Julio Camera got into a fight with a photographer yesterday outside the Wynn Las Vegas, reports US weekly. The scuffle allegedly began because the pap got too close to Britney's son Sean Preston - however, an account of events by the partner of the assaulted cameraman says bodyguard Julio shoved the pap first, causing him to make contact with SP, at which point Britney began yelling, prompting the bodyguard to then begin wailing on the pap. Police eventually arrived, and Julio was given a citation for misdemeanor battery. Britney has also reportedly filed an allegation of battery on behalf of SP, but against a different photographer than the one Julio allegedly beat up. According to Britney's report, Julio was holding SP when that second photog, one Kyle Henderson, engaged in some form of battery against them. Meanwhile, Britney remains in trouble with Kevin Federline for taking SP and JJ out of the state of California without notifying him, the shared custody-holder, or obtaining written permission. Tick tick tick tick tick...

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Federline Angry Over Britney Baby-Snatch

Crabbie reported earlier that Britney Spears had taken the kids to Las Vegas without receiving written permission from fellow custody-holder Kevin Federline. Now Federline has reportedly told Britney to bring the kids back to California, and has also contacted his lawyer to see what further measures he may be able to take. Britney has reportedly since checked out of her hotel in Vegas.

Something tells me it's going to be a wacky weekend in celeb-land.

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Nicole Richie To Cop Plea

Anorexic fake celebrity Nicole Richie will cop a plea today in her DUI case, sources have told TMZ. This means Richie will serve at least the minimum five day jail sentence required for second-time DUI offenders. Sorry Nicole, but no one cares about you with Lindsay headed for prison and Britney on the verge of another meltdown. Maybe next time.

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Britneypalooza

The Trainwreck Pulls Into Vegas

Britney Spears has packed up the kiddies and flown to Vegas, reports People. The good news? Britney, during a rare moment of lucidity, called ahead to the hotel and had her room childproofed. The bad news? Brit apparently neglected to get written permission from Kevin Federline before taking the kids out of California - a no-no given that there is still a custody battle raging. Britney isn't acting as her own lawyer too now, is she?

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A Small Price To Pay For So Much Pub

OK! Magazine says Britney Spears destroyed $7,000 worth of clothing and stole $14,000 worth of jewelry and accessories during her bizarro interview-photoshoot. The kicker? The magazine was reportedly prepared to pay Brit a cool million for her participation, but since they got almost nothing usable from the session, they gave her zilch. In Britney's defense, she's an idiot and probably doesn't know that a million is more than 14,000.
Yes, she is also acting as her own accountant.

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So That's Whose Fault It All Was

Britney Spears has fired her assistant Shannon Funk. Said a source to Life & Style (and this has to be one of the greatest anonymous snitch quotes of all-time):

Britney felt a lot of her recent troubles started and stopped with Shannon. ... Britney thought [Shannon] was talking badly about her. She was very rude and Britney felt she was letting business emails fall by the wayside.

There. See? All along it's been this Shannon chick. Now that Britney's rid of her everything will be fine. No more paranoid raving or cleaning up dog poo with Chanel dresses or claiming to the the anti-Christ. It's only a matter of time now before Britney's back on top. Stupid Shannon bitch...

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(thanks to Crabbiefan Kitty Sheehan for throwing me the tippage)

Lohan Witnesses Come Forward

TMZ has conducted an interview with three men who claim to have been in the Denali Lindsay Lohan used to chase down her assistant and the assistant's mother the night of her most recent DUI arrest.

The men - Dante Nigro, Jakon Sutter and Ronnie Blake (upstanding citizens all, I'm sure) - say they were in Malibu Monday afternoon with the boyfriend of Lindsay's ill-fated assistant Taryn, when they ran into Lindsay and said assistant. Lindsay later invited them to a party in Malibu, which Jakon and Ronnie were ultimately prevented from entering (losers). Dante, who entered with the assistant's boyfriend Dan, says Lindsay was sucking down booze the whole night, and even did a shot with him (lucky guy). Then, for some reason, the assistant got in an argument with her boyfriend outside; a drunken Lindsay staggered out and began shouting at the assistant. This prompted the assistant to quit, enraging Lindsay. Ronnie describes Lindsay as being "crazy" and "aggressive" at this point.

The boys must've decided the party was breaking up about this time, because they all piled into the now-infamous Denali, which belongs to Dante. Dan was going to drive, but suddenly exited the vehicle to renew his argument with Taryn. Taryn then became fed-up and drove off in her own car (she was not picked up by her mother as previously reported). Lindsay, still irate and drunk, leapt into the Denali's driver's seat and took off after poor Taryn. Ronnie, terrified, jumped from the car and had his foot run over (he shows his injured foot in a video on TMZ).

According to Dante and Jakon, Lindsay pursued Taryn at speeds of 100 MPH up the Pacific Coast Highway (Mel Gibson's favorite). She finally caught up to her erstwhile assistant, they say, and started doing circles around her car Road Warrior-style. Lindsay allegedly proclaimed at this point, "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want." Somehow Taryn was able to get away from Lindsay, but the cagey Lohan drove to Taryn's mother's house; and lo-and-behold, Taryn's mother happened to pull up just as Lindsay arrived. The mom, who can be heard on this 911 tape acting like she's being chased by Osama Bin Laden and Hitler, panicked at the sight of the Denali (which she misidentifies on the tape as a Yukon) and drove off.

Lindsay followed the mom, still insisting to her passengers that nothing could happen to her because she was famous. The vehicles finally pulled into a parking lot near a police station. When the cops arrived, Lindsay reportedly said, "I wasn't driving, the black kid was driving." She was administered a field sobriety test, which she failed miserably. And the rest is history.

A few things. One, the fact that Lohan came up on the assistant's mother the way she did, with the mother apparently having no knowledge of previous events, sort of explains the woman's hysteria on the 911 tape. Two, Lohan saying "the black kid was driving" is not going to do much to win her new fans in the African-American community (in fact, neither of her passengers was black; Dante is white and Jakon looks Filipino or something; the only black guy, Ronnie, bailed at the beginning). Three, if Lohan really was driving circles around the assistant's car on the PCH - that goes beyond mere recklessness to a level of suicidal stupidity I personally wouldn't have thought even Lohan capable of. This chick needs to have a serious lesson taught to her now - because if she's allowed to continue, there is no question that she will kill someone. I don't see, given all this evidence (and I realize the three men could be exaggerating or making shit up; we'll just have to wait till they're called as witnesses and see if their story changes) how a judge could justify not throwing Lohan in jail for a significant amount of time. We're talking about a person who has no regard whatsoever for anyone else's safety - a completely out-of-control, irresponsible, socially retarded menace. Frankly, I doubt even a stint in prison would teach this bitch - she's one of those people who will finally either kill herself (hopefully without taking anyone with her) or wind up locked-up for good. She has demonstrated a total inability to take responsibility for any of her actions, has lied, has engaged in charade rehab trips almost as a way of saying "fuck you" to people who tell her she needs to clean up. But the most damning thing of all, I think, is the way she's flushed her career down the toilet. It's one thing to be young and drunk and stupid; it's quite another to be so irresponsible and foolish that you would toss away literally millions of dollars just because you don't want to stop partying. If a person shows so little regard for their own existence, how can they be expected to give a damn for anyone else's? Sorry, but Lindsay Lohan needs to go to jail now - far, far worse than Paris Hilton ever did.

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Lohan Mash-Up

Pretty funny goof on Lindsay's new movie I Know Who Killed Me.

The irony here? Early reviews indicate I Know Who Killed Me might actually be pretty good. The film might've boosted Lohan's career - had she been able to hold herself together long enough to reap the benefits.

Watts Drops Bundle Of Pooping Joy

Naomi Watts gave birth early Thursday morning according to Life & Style. Liev Schreiber was so happy he squealed and danced around like a drunk leprechaun. The sex of the child is being withheld, apparently for national security reasons. Naomi is expected to be in the hospital for maybe a day before she goes back to work. Liev will be nursing the baby, unless Maggie Gyllenhaal would like to take it to bus-stop somewhere and whip out her fug-juice squirting titty.

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Lindsay Not Alone In Idiocy

TMZ has obtained a tape of the mother of Lindsay Lohan's former assistant calling the cops on Lohan. The tape features a woman, whose name is still not known, yammering hysterically to the 911 operator about the white GMC Yukon (Lohan was first thought to have been driving a Denali) that came up behind her vehicle after she had parked. The operator attempts to get information out of the woman, but she merely continues saying "Oh my God," as if she is in imminent danger of being murdered. The woman also speaks of a mysterious man exiting the Yukon and coming toward her. At no point is Lohan's name mentioned. The tape ends after the woman has led the Yukon to a police station. Lohan was apparently found outside the vehicle - so there is still no absolute confirmation that she was actually driving. Also, there is no mention on the tape of the mysterious "other vehicles" that were supposedly following Lohan as she followed the former assistant. The only thing this tape proves conclusively is that the former assistant's mother is an utter melodramatic moron who should be thrown in jail on general principle.

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Kimberly Stewart May Perhaps Be High Here...

Either that or she's doing her best Keanu.

(Is that Matrix Keanu or Point Break Keanu? Cause I always liked Point Break better. Patrick Swayze and all...)

Dirt On Lohan

Normally we laugh at Hollyscoop - mostly because it seems to be written by a bunch of junior-high girls in My Little Pony pajamas - but they actually came across with some good dirt today concerning Lindsay Lohan. The site claims to have an informant among Lindsay's friends, who's told them among other things that Lindsay owes various drug dealers upwards of $30,000 - which may explain why she allegedly tried to broker a $30,000 deal with photo agency X17 last week. The snitch says Lindsay blows through $3,500 worth of drugs a week, but it was actually worse when she was partying with Calum Best - so bad that her friends are actually amazed she lived through it. The source says Lindsay checked into Promises mostly for PR reasons (really?), and that she laughs at tabloids and websites that believe she's really trying to get cleaned up (I didn't know there were any). Also, it's claimed that Lohan got in touch with her pusher almost immediately upon leaving Promises, and was at one point heard to say of her lifestyle, "I created the scene." Lindsay - you invented spending $3,500 a week on coke? Naive girl. If you'd been around in the seventies, you would've been considered uptight.

Hollyscoop's source also has a few things to say about Lindsay's parents: That Dina ran out of her house screaming when she heard of Lindsay's second DUI bust, and that Michael is only pretending to give a shit about Lindsay's health because it's a way for him to get into the papers. You mean Michael Lohan is an insincere media-whore phony? Huh...

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Alba In The Eye

Bloody Disgusting has new pics of Jessica Alba in the horror movie The Eye. The above depicts what happens when Jessica cooks a meatloaf with a recipe she got from Rachael Ray.



"Um, mister? I think you got...a little something...like maybe...you want a Kleenex cause I've got one..."

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Woody And Scarlett At Work

"All right Scarlett. In this scene what I want to do is emphasize the breasts. Your character is a girl with a very large, round, enticing bosom. That's mainly what I want to get across to the audience. Also, you have an incredibly juicy ass. So I'm going to have you bend over and pick up a penny. But you drop it the first time see, so you have to bend over again. This is why I get nominated for Oscars, this stuff right here..."



"I'm worried about your shirt Scarlett. I think it may be far too loose. So I think what we have to do is, we have to have a guy spray you with a hose. So we're gonna have a guy watering his lawn, and then suddenly he turns, and he doesn't see you there and he gets water all over the front of your top. And then you stand there sort of surprised with your top wet. Also, I think we're gonna have to lose the bra."



"You know, I was thinking about that scene yesterday, the one where we show everyone what amazing melons you have, and I really don't think we got it. I think we're gonna have to shoot that one again. Only this time, I think we're gonna have you be on a trampoline. With no bra. And then from out of nowhere it starts raining, a torrential downpour, and you're soaking wet with no bra, but you keep jumping up and down on the trampoline. I think this could really be the key scene in the movie because, you know, it establishes the whole theme of the picture, which is that you have amazing breasts and I really want to have sex with you even though I'm a sick old man who has sex with his own adopted daughter..."

Ali Lohan Also Struggles With The Written Word

Fugly celebrity sibling Ali Lohan has sent an email to David Caplan of 24/Sizzler, in which she tries sticking up for her embattled sis Lindsay. The text of said message:

Hi david this is ali lohan, i want everybody to know the truth out there. My mom is a single mom of four children she has always been there for us, she was my mother and father and still is. My father is telling all lies to people and saying he was such a great dad and was always there for us, my father was never there for us, My mom was always there souporting us. i think that the whole reason why my sister is upset with her self and not as cofident, is because of my dad not being around, and always staying out late and not coming home for days, he would come back home never himself, he was always was making excuses for his bad behavior . And would always blame my mother. He just wants everybody in the world knowing that he was a great dad. He wasnt that is all a lie. I just want my sister to stick throught this okay, and my mother and brothers and i are there for my sister 100% and have always been. I’ve wanted to say this for so long and get this out there and let everyone know that our family is like a normal family but of course we are put under a microscope because of lindsays fame, lindsay will be fine she is just going through a rough time right now but she will be fine. i know this for a fact. My sisters is just like a normal sister. her and I have so much in common. My mother and sister are huge insperations to me, they have made it through so much in there lives.
Thankyou for your time god bless, Ali

Nice try Lindsay, but we know that was really you. Ali may be an idiot, but no one believes she's that much of an idiot. Please leave your sister out of this, okay? She's young and innocent still. And think of all the heartbreak she's going to have to suffer in the coming weeks and months. You know, when you die, and Dina slips into alcoholic madness and the court sends Ali to live with Michael, who then sells her to some Turkish guy who runs a sex-slave ring. She's going to be a sex-slave Lindsay, and you know what that means don't you? She's going to end up chained to a wall in Charlie Sheen's basement being fed rancid meat and tranquilizers. That's way worse than anything that's happening to you, so please - a little compassion.

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Angelina Thinks We're Stupid Peons

Babynapping film star Angelina Jolie is reportedly "dejected" over the box-office failure of her recent movie A Mighty Heart. Said a source to US weekly:

She poured her heart into the story and can’t believe people don’t understand how important it is.

Translation: Angelina has a certain point-of-view on the meaning of the Mariane Pearl story - mainly that Pearl is some kind of heroine. Angelina tried to get her view across to the audience, but the audience was too busy watching movies about pirates, giant robots and a gay dude who has the powers of a spider. The audience, therefore, are a bunch of ignorant scum who just don't get Angelina's message. It bothers her that everyone doesn't find important the same things she finds important. And this is yet another excuse for her to become depressed and not eat, and possibly adopt a kid.

Angelina - spare us your noble efforts, would you hon? We don't need you to tell us what we should think about Mariane Pearl - we already know what to think about her. Her husband was murdered, and she thought, "Wow, what a great chance to show everyone how heroic I am." And now you come along Angelina and try to bask in what you perceive to be the courageous glow emanating from Mariane. Unfortunately, that "glow" is as phony as yours. You are a couple of peas in a pod - both egomaniacs who think the world will not be a decent place until it's learned to properly worship you and your ideas. So save us your indignation (and that's what you truly feel behind your self-pitying depression) at our refusal and/or inability to heap the laurels upon you that you think you deserve for making your stupid piece of shit movie. The world has gotten along just fine without you for thousands of years, and will continue to do so even should you be hit by a truck, struck by a falling satellite or perhaps murdered in your sleep by your gaggle of multi-ethnic children.

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Moss Clings To Wood

Kate Moss has found a safe place to hole up and mend after the break-up with Pete Doherty - the home of Rolling Stone guitarist Ron Wood and his wife Jo. Said a source:

Kate is washing her hair of Pete, and Ronnie and his wife Jo have been taking her mind off things. She has been friends with Ronnie for years. He is on the wagon and is great for her.

There's really nothing to say about this story - it's sweet that Kate has a good friend to turn to and hopefully she'll get over the whole Doherty thing and get on with her life and la la la la. Boring. What we really want to hear is that Ron Wood has thrown his wife out and is now fucking Kate and doing blow with her. Yes, I know, I'm evil for saying that, considering that Wood was once a drug addict and had to have surgery to put his coke-rotted nose back together. But what the hell - we're here for the yuks, right? And what could be more amusing than Kate Moss seducing an old man, getting him back on the nose-candy and killing him? Besides Kate getting back together with Pete...

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Courtney Love Needs A Hug (And A Bag To Wear Over That Thing She Calls A Head)

Incoherent rocker Courtney Love is not happy with the way her face has turned out after about six-thousand plastic surgeries. Here's what Courtney had to say about the current state of her mug, and her plans for fixing it, on her MySpace page:

...my mouth still looks wonky, i think i gott go back to paris tot he dr, hes nit a cosmetic surgeon he just fixes bad surgery and also cleft palates and serious shit its nbot really vanity hes conservtive, wich we like, and this really isnt znyones business but im hating that id di that to my mouth back in the day and he didnt really take out enough the first time around i just wnt the mouth god gave me back, it was perfectly cute.

That is word-for-word from Courtney's posting. And you thought Lindsay Lohan wrote some sub-literate, rambling bullshit. Lindsay's got nothing on Courtney. I'm not actually sure that's English Courtney is writing there, in fact. It may be Inuit or Martian or perhaps the language the writers of Hollywood comedies use. From what I can tell, it seems Courtney plans on visiting some doctor in France who's going to fix her lips. This doctor normally treats kids with cleft palates. Those poor kids are congenitally deformed, but Courtney deformed herself deliberately. Because she's an idiot. And it seems she really enjoys ruining people's faces. She ruined her own with plastic surgery - and before that she ruined Kurt Cobain's with a shotgun.

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Sandler In "Zohan" - Feel The Gayness

Adam Sandler gays it up on the set of his movie You Don't Mess With the Zohan. They're not really planning on going with that title, are they? And Adam - let's see, you played a guy pretending to be gay in Chuck and Larry, and now you're dressing like this. Anything you want to tell us honey? It's okay - don't be shy. Just acknowledge it. You'll feel better afterward.

Paris Digs Elephant Balls

Paris Hilton took a break from saving the world to suck face with hangy-balled monkey-freak Cisco Adler at Guy's nightclub last night. Hmm - so is this another example of Cisco's uncanny ability to get women to go to bed with him? Or is it just that Paris is such a horrendous slut she'll fuck anyone or anything?

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Lohan's SCRAM Device Was Real

The alcohol-monitoring bracelet Lindsay Lohan donned after leaving rehab was not a dummy as we all assumed, but was in fact a real functioning SCRAM device. The bracelet reportedly detected alcohol in Lohan's perspiration several hours before her DUI arrest, and according to its programming, alerted her lawyer Blair Berk who then scrambled to locate Lindsay. Too late - Lohan was arrested and booked for DUI and possession before Berk could find her.

So are we all going to apologize to Lindsay for our jokes about her fake alcohol monitor? I didn't think so...

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Alba And Warren Call It Quits

Greasy-haired "actress" Jessica Alba and walking tranquilizer boyfriend Cash Warren have decided to end their relationship after two-and-a-half years. According to sources, Alba called Warren on July 22 and told him "I'm not in love with you anymore." Come on Jessica - tell the guy how you really feel.

In Kate Moss-like fashion, Alba reportedly had her assistant hire some movers to haul Warren's stuff out of their L.A. home. All right, so Jessica broke up with the guy over the phone, then had a lackey remove his belongings from their place. And I suppose when relatives die she just faxes a picture of herself looking sad and someone tapes it to a chair at the wake. What a gutless little twat.

Of course, the most memorable moment of the whole Alba/Warren love affair was when they were photographed having sex in the ocean. How will we ever forget the particular brand of disgust we felt when first seeing those pictures? Ah, memories...



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Britney Chugs Along

Did Britney really melt down in full view of OK! Magazine cameras, or is OK! Magazine exaggerating the whole thing in some lame attempt at generating interest in their big Britney exclusive? And if the whole thing is in fact a scam, what does Britney gain by going along with it? Does she somehow think this new "crazy-ass bitch" image of hers is good for her career?


These pictures were taken while Britney was coming out of a liquor store. Cause that's what Britney really needs more than anything else right now - a good stiff drink. Oh, and a stylist. And she needs to dig up another cute little cousin to follow her around wiping up puke. And another thing she could use - the number of a good hit-man. Take care of those scheming fucks Alli, Lynne and Federline once and for all.

David And Posh - The New Ben And Jennifer?

So this is what it's going to be from now on - endless pictures of Victoria and David Beckham hauling one of their little Hitler Youth kids around town. I can't wait for the pics of Posh playing with one of them in the park just like Jennifer and Violet. Oh God, why?

Mad-Dog Schreiber

Liev Schreiber doesn't want anyone taking pictures of his pregnant woman Naomi Watts. Could it be that Liev has finally grown a pair? Yeah, glare at those paps Liev. You look almost as tough and mean as Keira Knightley when she does that.

Lindsay's Implausible Denial

What would've been the smart thing for Lindsay Lohan to do in the wake of her latest DUI arrest? Keep her mouth shut. Well, this is Lindsay - of course she's not going to do the smart thing. It's barely been a day since she got busted for being wasted and chasing her ex-assistant in a car, and already she's spreading the bullshit, saying the following to Access Hollywood host Billy Bush in an email:

I am innocent... did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy.

Apparently being high on cocaine causes you to lose the ability to properly punctuate. Seriously though - this is such classic Lohan jive. She did not do drugs, they were not her drugs. They just happened to be in her pocket at the time she was hauled into the police station to be booked. Maybe the police were all hallucinating? Sorry Lindsay, but you just don't get it - from a legal stand-point it doesn't matter if you did the drugs. You had them in your pocket, therefore they were in your possession, therefore you are charged with possessing them. Furthermore, in the grand scheme, the drug possession charge is really not the serious one - the DUI is. People who do drugs endanger only themselves; people who get drunk and/or high and drive endanger others. Have you not processed that little fact yet? You put other people's lives in peril by driving while drunk. Are you going to dispute the .12 to .13 you blew on the Breathalyzer? Let me guess - it wasn't your breath. And as for your attempt to explain away whatever happened between you and your assistant as being her mother's fault - I'm sorry Lindz, but how does her mother almost running you over justify you then chasing them in a car while intoxicated? If your judgment was that seriously impaired, then you belong in jail, or rehab, or anywhere but behind the wheel of a car. See, that's the thing you're not getting - it's not about whether you were drunk or high, it's about the fact that you were drunk or high while driving. It doesn't matter why you got mad at them and decided to chase them - you were drunk while you were doing it. Is it getting through now, you maddeningly stupid bitch?

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Lindsay's People Crank Up The Spin Machine

Lindsay Lohan's people are denying widely-published reports that the troubled starlet was involved in a car chase before being arrested early Tuesday morning. TMZ has been told that, in fact, the Escalade Lindsay was supposedly pursuing, which contained her former assistant and the assistant's mother, and Lindsay's own Denali which had two passengers inside, were both being chased in a "threatening and unsafe manner" by several other vehicles. Speculation immediately ran to the other cars being driven by paparazzi, who have been known to occasionally cause traffic accidents when they become over-aggressive. However, to this point, no pictures have surfaced of Lohan during or after the alleged chase - which means either there were no pursuing cars with paps and Lohan's people made that up, there were paps and they decided not to take any pictures (fat chance), or there were paps who took pictures but the photo agencies abstained from running them (again, fat chance).

Lindsay's people attempting to defend her by claiming she was the chasee rather than the chaser smacks of classic Dina Lohan denial - especially the implication that paparazzi were actually the ones responsible for the whole thing. Next, I suppose, Dina and her minions will want us to believe that the paps planted the cocaine on Lindsay, and sprayed her in the face with some kind of substance that caused her to behave drunk and blow between a .12 and .13 on the breathalyzer. Those paps, they are some evil fuckers.

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Alli And Federline Vs. Crazy-Ass Britney

Cousin Alli has not merely stopped working for Britney Spears - she has reportedly sided with Kevin Federline and Lynne Spears against the rapidly self-destructing former pop-princess. OK! Magazine, which is set to run a big story about Britney's latest meltdown in this week's issue, says Alli gave Lynne and Kevin a detailed breakdown of Britney's insanity, and specifically her troubles dealing with her and Federline's kids SP and JJ. Said a source:

Alli gave specific instances where Brit couldn't handle having the kids. Kevin was angry at Britney for putting his kids in jeopardy and immediately phoned his lawyer to investigate the claims further. He couldn’t believe she had gotten so out of control.

Back-stabbing bitch! Seriously, where would Cousin Alli be right now without Britney? Still babysitting that little shithead Avril Lavigne is where. Yes, I know, Britney is nuts and Alli has her own music career to think about - still, doesn't loyalty count for anything? Family? The fact that Britney put Alli on the map? What the hell has Federline ever done for Alli - you know, besides bone her behind Britney's back? Nothing, that's what. Stories like this - they just tear my heart right out. I hope Britney ends up getting custody of the kids, and that Federline gets a bad case of VD and his dick rots off, and Alli makes a record that tanks and ends up bagging groceries at Safeway.

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Lindsay's Parents Have Their Say

Lindsay Lohan's parents talked to the press in the wake of their daughter's second DUI arrest in less than two months. Her mother, Dina, reiterated her support for Lindsay, saying the following to The Insider:

We are doing everything in our power in support of Lindsay and I won't give up – this is my daughter and we love her. ... I am sick over this. ... My children, my family, we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi [are stalking us] outside [our] home. Lindsay is in a safe place, and we are trying to strategically work out our next step.

Just like Dina to use Lindsay's latest misfortune as an opportunity to take a pot-shot at the media - as if the media were somehow to blame for her awful parenting. Too bad Dina has to remain holed up in her house because the paps are all over her - but I guess if she didn't want this to happen she shouldn't have acted like a shameless attention-whore and taught her daughter to be one as well. A woman who brings Entertainment Tonight cameras to her daughter's rehab, as Dina did while Lindsay was in Wonderland, has no business criticizing the media for anything. What irritates Dina isn't that she's being hounded - it's that she's being hounded by people she hasn't cut deals with.

Meanwhile, Lindsay's father Michael spent the entire day contacting various media outlets and running his mouth. Perez Hilton says Michael kept him on the phone for 12 minutes talking his ear off, and at one point tried enlisting his aid:

If you want to help Lindsay out, put some good things out there. Say that Lindsay needs her family in her life. ... What you’re printing is only one side of the story because if I came out with all the information I have, you would think differently.

It saddens me that people like Michael Lohan think Perez is part of the legitimate media, and that they're somehow helping the situation by trying to get him on their side. Do they not realize that all Perez cares about is the bit? Whatever. Michael is obviously a looney tunes, and so is Dina. And Lindsay, as we speak, hides in an undisclosed location - not rehab, as was reported yesterday. Wherever she is, we hope she's not snorting anything, or drinking anything stronger than water, or taking Ecstasy or Oxycontin, or God forbid driving...

(source 1, source 2)

The Circus Leaves Town

Angelina and Brad undertake the arduous process of loading all their kids onto the plane so they can leave France. And the fireman is for what? In case Maddox sprays his Asian "brother" Pax with lighter fluid and tosses a match? And who's the albino dude in the blue jacket? Angie and Brad are just surrounded by weirdness aren't they?

Sick Of Lindsay And Britney?

How about Johnny Depp on a boat with his shirt off? Oh yeah, that's the stuff.

More Britney OK! Details

Let's all revel in Britney's meltdown misery a bit more, shall we? According to LaineyGossip, Britney's bizarre behavior at the OK! Magazine photoshoot extended to constant self-fondling, particularly of the crotch. She also apparently took a couple of pees while leaving the bathroom door open. The rest of the time she allegedly wandered around babbling to herself in baby-talk, unable to hold her head straight. Some have speculated that her behavior was somehow related to her having just revealed to her friends that she was pregnant. See, that's how I know there's not a God - cause if there were, people like Britney would not have reproductive organs.

Also from LaineyGossip - apparently OK! was only able to get one usable picture of Britney out of their photoshoot. And that's their big spread for tomorrow? Dumb-asses.

(source)

Update: Lohan Back In Rehab; Perhaps Betty Ford Clinic

Lindsay Lohan has been checked into an undisclosed treatment facility. And this time it's gonna take...

(source)

Update: The Betty Ford Clinic has confirmed it has a new "high-profile" client reporting today, but refused to disclose the individual's identity. Paps are currently staking out the joint, anticipating the arrival of Lindsay Lohan.

(source)

Lindsay Lohan - Total Moron

Now comes the fun part - where the details of the star's transgression start trickling out (I'll never forget the morning of Mel Gibson's arrest; each new revelation was like a mouthful of sweet, sweet nectar). The latest on Lindsay Lohan is so amazing I don't really know what to say. Apparently, the car Lindsay was chasing in her Denali this morning, leading to her DUI arrest, was an Escalade belonging to the mother of her former assistant. According to TMZ, Lindsay's assistant quit for some undisclosed reason late last night, and when her mother came to pick her up, Lindsay chased after them. It was the assistant's mother who actually called the police to tell them they were being pursued by a coked-up Lohan.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened - Lindsay was coked-up again; the assistant saw the writing on the wall and decided to get the hell out of there (wise move); Lindsay got worried the assistant and her mom would tell the cops she was on drugs and chased them, thinking maybe she could pay them off. Brilliant plan Lindz - except for the part where you're on coke and booze, driving a Denali recklessly down the street. By the way, Lindsay's arraignment is scheduled for August 24 - the same day she was supposed to be in court for her previous DUI. How convenient for her.

(source)

OK! Magazine To Publish Britney Pics

OK! Magazine says they will publish the pictures taken of Britney Spears at yesterday's monumentally horrific photoshoot - pictures described by one witness as having the potential to "kill her career." Said OK! in a statement:

OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told.

What the hell got in to OK! Magazine? A couple weeks ago they bought up all the incriminating pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo so they wouldn't see the light of day (and were repaid with a boring exclusive interview with the couple), but now they're going to publish the ones of Britney that allegedly show her with her eyes rolled back in her head like a dead person? Journalistic integrity, thy name is OK! Magazine.

Or maybe not. Cause honestly - does anyone believe there ever were any sex pics and vids of Nick and Vanessa? It was an interesting if dopey way to sell an exclusive - we have the pics but we're not going to let you see them; now read the exclusive interview. If they'd had the pics, of course they would've published them - and not for journalistic reasons but crass ones. This time, they actually have the pics - and of course now they have principles and so must publish them. But like the swine they are, they insist they're actually trying to help Britney by showing everyone the state she's in. That's a level of hypocrisy you don't often encounter outside a Harvey Levin statement.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Gets The Daily Mail Treatment

Last week the Daily Mail touched off a bit of a controversy by publishing pictures in which Victoria Beckham looked to have the legs of a several-thousand-year-old Peruvian mummy. Were they real or photoshopped? Most people now agree that they were fake. Well, now we have another Daily Mail pic to wonder about, this time of Amy Winehouse.




Amy is 24 - so do we really believe she has the boobs of a sixty-year-old? I don't know. All I'm sure of is that I never, ever want to see a close-up of any part of Amy Winehouse again. I'm gay enough, thanks.

(source)

Papa Lohan Wants To Help His Wayward Angel

Michael Lohan never misses an opportunity to tell everyone how much he cares about Lindsay and wants to be a part of her life again - so as far as he's concerned, Lindsay getting busted is merely a cue to start flapping. Papa Lohan, who himself spent 2 years in jail for DUI (apple...tree...etc.,), says he now wants to put his nasty custody battle with ex-wife Dina on the back-burner and concentrate on getting Lindsay well:

I want to withdraw everything -- court wise -- sit down with Dina as Lindsay's parents and figure out how to help her. ... Lindsay can't do this on her own ... when we were together, none of this was happening.

Michael - when you were together, Lindsay was ten. I sure as hell hope she wasn't snorting blow and chasing people around in her Denali when she was ten. Also, if you really want to help Lindsay, you and Dina will just stay the hell out of it. Like Dina already is doing. Seriously - where is she? I haven't heard a peep out of her since Lindsay got busted that first time. Kathy Hilton may be a walking pile of pig-shit, but at least when her daughter got in trouble, she was out there every day lying for her and trying to make the most of the situation. That foul Dina basically just took off the second things got too dicey. Now she's in Europe someplace blowing rich guys for gambling money. What scum these people are.

(source)

Lohan Arrested Again

Lindsay Lohan was arrested in the wee hours of the morning Tuesday in Santa Monica and charged with a laundry-list of offenses: possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a correctional facility (that sounds bad) and driving on a suspended license. Her blood alcohol level was reported to be between .12 and .13. Unlike Lindsay's last arrest, when the cocaine was found in her vehicle, leaving some dispute as to who was responsible for putting it there, the drugs this time were found in Lindsay's pants pocket. Maybe she was framed by her alcohol-monitoring bracelet? Police say she was uncooperative at the scene, but once they got her to jail she calmed down and did what was asked. She has since been released from jail on $25,000 bond. It's also come out that, at the time she was pulled over, Lohan was chasing someone in her Denali. Um - is there any possible way to make sure this bitch doesn't drive now? Like, oh I don't know, throw her in fucking jail? Before someone gets killed? Huh California "authorities?" Or shall we just go on trusting her to be a good girl?

By the way, TMZ has come to the brilliant conclusion that Lindsay's alcohol bracelet may have been fake. That's the sort of in-depth investigative journalism we've come to expect from Harvey's juggernaut. I can't wait until they post the drawing Lindsay sends them from jail.

(source)

Lohan Bets Buds She Can Bag Beckham

Lindsay Lohan and her friends are reportedly obsessed with David Beckham. Lindsay herself is so smitten with Becks that, according to sources, she has bet her pals $50,000 that she can get the soccer-god into the sack. Said the source:

Lindsay and her pals have been talking about the Beckhams’ arrival non-stop. They all reckon David is gorgeous and Lindsay set the challenge to get stuck in. ... The rich girls all want to meet Becks.

I'd like to say there's no way this could ever happen - but knowing David's tendency to stray, and Lindsay's success at getting just about any man into bed she wants...let's just say I hope Becks has reached an age where a girl like Lindsay would no longer strike his fancy.

I hope Lindsay's friends are ready to cough up fifty grand.

(source)

Britney's Big OK! Exclusive Doesn't Go So Well

Britney Spears was supposed to give a tell-all interview to OK! Magazine, which has become the rag of choice for celebs looking to get their side of things across without any messy journalistic integrity getting in the way. Things in Britney's life rarely go according to plan however - and such was the case when the OK! people showed up for their big exclusive. According to TMZ, Britney was "completely out of it" during the accompanying photoshoot, and the resulting photos were so terrible they would "kill her career" if they ever got out (career?). At one point, Britney's eyes are said to have rolled back in her head as if she were dead. Also, Britney reportedly took several bathroom breaks, which coincided suspiciously with some erratic mood swings. Britney also evinced a frightening paranoia - becoming convinced at one point that the ceiling was about to fall on her.

And as if her being completely crazy weren't enough, TMZ also reports that Britney's hygiene habits left much to be desired. A hungry Britney ordered some fried chicken to eat, and decided to use her Gucci dress as a napkin. Then her dog - of course she had to bring her dog - took a dump on the floor, and the only thing Britney had on-hand to clean it up with was a Chanel dress! At this point, it shouldn't surprise you to learn that Britney wanted no part of the people OK! hired to do her make-up and hair - preferring instead to let her friends take care of that. The friends, by the way, were described by TMZ's spies as being "skanky."

One more piece of information to come out of TMZ's story - it appears that, contrary to some reports, Britney and her aspiring pop-star cousin Alli Sims, who was handling her affairs for awhile, are indeed on the outs. It's likely that at some point Alli made the mistake of trying to talk some sense into Britney, and since Britney doesn't like all that sensible stuff, she told Sims to take a hike. It's clear that Britney has chosen to insulate herself from reality entirely, cutting off anyone who dares criticize her, or show any concern for the path her life is on. Now she's handling all her own business - she was even personally responsible for setting up the OK! interview, which she then derailed. The ostensible point of this interview was to tell her side of things concerning her mother and the other unpleasantness in her life - but what she ended up revealing by her actions was far more interesting than any bullshit that would've come out of her mouth.

(source)

Someone Call Animal Control...

Why is Perez Hilton walking around in a pink wig and a pair of similarly-colored underwear? We can only surmise that this has something to do with the new show he has on VH1, What Perez Sez. If this is in fact the kind of stuff he plans on featuring on the show - well, I wasn't going to watch it anyway, so what the hell do I care?



The shadow on that wall is funny - a fence topped with razor-wire. Evokes thoughts of prison. And Perez dressed up like that - makes me think of prison too. Cause that's how Perez would have to dress every day, once he became the cellblock bitch. And he'd have to dance in there too. And take it in the ass at least ten times an hour. Which would be nothing new for him.



Oh yeah - this show's gonna be hilarious. I'm already jealous.

(Counting down to the first idiot who says, "He never mentions you, you know," as if anyone would be delusional enough to expect a rich and famous media figure to mention some dipshit with a free blogger account and barely 2000 hits a day. Where does that "he never mentions you" argument come from anyway? I hope these people wipe that off after they pull it from their asshole. Oh, and thanks to Crabbiefan Ellen for the tip. If you just puked, it's her fault.)

(source)

Hayden Rocks

Hayden Panettiere at Cal State-Fullerton singing with Band From TV, a rock group made up of TV actors, including Hugh Laurie from House, and Hayden's Heroes co-star Greg Grunberg. Apparently, Hayden didn't do so well - as certain people have been gleefully willing to point out. There's video of her on TMZ but I'm not watching it or linking to it. I think she's adorable with her little trying-so-hard faces. So poop on the haters. You go Hayden!

Demi And Ashton Hit Posh/Becks Party

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher attend the party for David and Victoria Beckham. This picture is boring, except for the workers in the background, whose expressions I found kind of funny:



This guy's thinking, "I'm the same age as Ashton Kutcher. I have the same amount of talent he does. And here I stand in my little vest and tie while he walks into a star-studded gala on the arm of Demi Moore. And my mom said I could be anything I wanted. Lying bitch..."



"Wow, Ashton Kutcher. He is so hot. I wonder if he likes sweaty dudes who look like Tobey Maguire's retarded little brother..."



"I never should've eaten that cheese with the little green spot on it. Oh damn it..."

Amy Winehouse Is Nearly Presentable

Amy Winehouse goes for a stroll with husband Blake Civil-Fielder. There are several things wrong with this picture. One, Amy is not wearing those dumb denim hot-pants she favors. Two, Amy has her arms covered, so we are unable to see her ugly tattoos/cuttings. Three, Amy is not spitting on anyone. Four, Amy does not appear to have dried puke anywhere on her clothing (though I admit I have not inspected the photo closely enough to be entirely certain). Could this mean Amy has turned a corner in her life, and will now attempt to comport herself like a civilized person, and dress like someone who possesses at least a modicum of self-respect?

Ha!

Serena Williams In The Buff

Tennis star Serena Williams in this month's Jane magazine. Dang he's hot. Especially those shoes. There's nothing Crabbie loves more than a proud tranny. You go, um...whatever...

(source)

Will Smith - Superqueero

Will Smith in costume, shooting his new movie Hancock. Yes, that's the name, Hancock. Or perhaps it's John Hancock - there seems some dispute about that. Anyway, here's the plot outline from IMDb:

A hard-living superhero who has fallen out of favor with the public enters into a questionable relationship with the wife of the public relations professional who's trying to repair his image.

That will either be awesome or it will be totally horrible. By the way, Charlize Theron is playing the wife Will gets down with, and Jason Bateman is the public relations professional. The fact that Bateman is now getting third billing behind Will Smith and Charlize Theron just blows my mind. I never saw that show Arrested Development, but Bateman must've been awesome in it to effect such a turn-around in his reputation. It wasn't long ago that the guy was the "other Bateman" - and his sister Justine was the budding star. Now where's Justine? Dressing up in a pair of hot-pants to entice passing motorists to come get their car washed in the parking lot of a Kohl's?

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Will's costume - it's stupid. He looks like a "futuristic" motorcycle cop from some low-budget seventies movie. Is John Saxon in this movie too? Joe Don Baker?

Watts Enjoys Baby Shower - With Schreiber

It wasn't bad enough that hetero men had to start being present in the delivery room to share the "joys of birth" - now the fuckers have to butt in on that other formerly sacred bastion of chickery, the baby shower.

Not that Liev Schreiber ever struck me as the most masculine of men in the first place - there's always seemed something a tad prissy and simpering about him. Still, I never thought of Schreiber as being a total girly-man - the kind of dude who would choose to spend his day going ga-ga over breast-pumps and booties and Spongebob onesies when he could be at a ballgame swilling beer. Apparently I was wrong. Evidently, Schreiber is that much of a puss - because when his pregnant non-wife Naomi Watts had her pals over for a baby shower this weekend, old Liev was right there next to her on the couch.

I have a question: How mortified was Naomi when Liev told her he wanted to be at her baby shower? I'm starting to think there's a reason Naomi hasn't consented to marrying this dude yet - it's because she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life having to do small home repairs and squash spiders in the bathtub herself.

"The lightbulb's burnt out in the laundry room Liev dear. Could you change it for me?"

"I would hon, but you know how afraid I am of the small step-ladder ever since it pinched my finger that time. Plus I just had my facial and I don't want to move for at least fifteen more minutes..."

This merely reinforces Crabbie's instinct about Liev - that he's the woman in that relationship. When Naomi's done popping out this kid, Liev's going to be at home changing diapers and ironing and watching soaps while she's out earning a living. Yes, I realize these comments make Crabbie seem like a relic from the fifties who completely missed out on that whole sexual revolution thing, but I don't give a fuck. I'm a limp-wristed homo, and I think I could probably kick Liev Schreiber's ass - and that makes me sad.

(source)

Pete Doherty Will Get Around To Rehab - Sometime

Pete Doherty was supposed to have checked himself into rehab per a judge's order last week, but since the Babyshambles front man was seen out in public, it was assumed he had left early. Now it turns out Pete didn't actually enter treatment last week - but is scheduled to do so perhaps today.

Doherty, who was recently tossed into the street by his supermodel girlfriend Kate Moss, has been given until August 7 to successfully complete a rehab program, or else he will be thrown in jail over repeated offenses, including drug possession, driving mishaps and failure to appear in court. Since today is already July 23, the rehab people will have only two scant weeks to get Pete shaped up. And maybe after that the judge would like them to have a crack at fixing the Iraq mess? And when they're finished tackling that one, maybe they'd like a shot at explaining the meaning of life...

(source)

Ja Rule And Lil Wayne Arrested

Rappers Ja Rule and Lil Wayne were together at Manhattan's Beacon Theater last night - and were arrested in separate incidents in the city just hours later. Ja Rule, whose real name is Jeff Atkins, was the passenger in a luxury sedan that was pulled over for speeding. The car's occupants, Ja Rule and two others, were taken into custody, at which point police found a .40-caliber gun in Ja's possession. An hour after this incident, Lil Wayne aka Dwayne Carter, was seen by police smoking marijuana with another man outside his parked tour bus. The men were arrested, and a search either of the bus or Mr. Carter's person turned up yet another .40-caliber weapon.

The two rappers, incidentally, have a song out together called "Uh Oh." They should've called it, "It's Probably Not A Great Idea To Smoke Dope In Public While Carrying A Gun, Or Have A Gun In One's Possession When One Is In The Company Of People Who Tend To Drive Recklessly."

(source)

A Party For Posh And Becks

No press was allowed inside L.A.'s Museum of Contemporary Art for Tom and Katie's big welcome to America party for Victoria and David Beckham, but the stars were gracious enough to pose for a few pictures outside. This group pic is one for the scrapbook, eh? Of course, there is one thing that strikes us right away - Tom is the only one who's shorter than his wife. But at least he's taller than that knick-knack Jada.



"Raise your hand if you're a closet fag religious fanatic with a Napoleonic complex..."



David's a narcoleptic. Poshy looks like a yellow spider died on her head. Yeah, wish I'd been there.

Lindsay Corrupts A Minor, May Have Skin Cancer

Lindsay Lohan took a day off from partying to party at the Polaroid Beach House in Malibu. Here we see her having her picture taken with an adoring young fan. Or that may be her new lesbian lover, I'm not sure which. All right, that was over the line. Besides, that girl's way too cute for Lohan, who only likes hideous penis-having chicks like Samantha Ronson.



Lindsay...so classy.

What the hell's that on her shoulder?




A festering sore that isn't crotch-related? Better get that looked at honey.

Cousin Alli - Pop-Star?

Britney's once-ubiquitous buddy Cousin Alli has been notably absent from Britney's life lately. At first, it was rumored that the two were fighting - then Britney showed up at Alli's birthday party, putting those stories to rest. So why the hell did Alli stop going everywhere with Britney? It appears the mystery has been solved. According to X17, Cousin Alli hasn't had a lot of time to hang out with Britney lately - because she's been busy recording her own album.

Cousin Alli, real name Alli Sims, is going to be a pop-star just like Britney. She's even got a website, AlliSims.com (there's nothing on there yet except the above pic and a "check back soon" message). Apparently Britney is cool with all this - but will she still be cool when Alli's record comes out, and it's way better than anything Britney herself has ever done? Let's face it - Alli doesn't have far to go to be the best singer in that particular family. Her queefs probably sound better than most of Britney's computerized vocalizing. Probably, when Alli's career takes off, Britney will become insanely jealous and write a mean poem where she says she doesn't have a cousin anymore, and hand it to Alli who will appear shocked. Then Britney will write Alli out of her will, and give an interview to OK! Magazine about how everyone in her life is just using her.

(source)

(To the Alli pervert who occasionally posts here - guess you're just about over the rainbow with happiness, huh? Gonna be lots of Alli pics now - hopefully, they will be better than that photoshopped monstrosity on her website though.)

Fugly Maggie Disses Katie

Maggie Gyllenhaal has a mouth and isn't afraid to use it, as she demonstrated when offending most of America by saying we deserved to be attacked on 9/11. Since then Maggie has adopted the prudent strategy of laying off politics. Other actors, however, are still fair game - including Katie Holmes, whose role Maggie has taken over in the new Batman movie. Said the Fugly One:

I'm not thinking of it as a role that anyone's played before. I'm not walking into Katie Holmes' performance. I'm thinking of it as an opportunity to play somebody who's alive and smart. Chris asked me to do this because he wanted me, not because he wants some generic lady in a dress.

The implication being that, when Katie played the role, she was dead and dumb, not to mention generic? Oh Maggie - you make it hard for the Crabster to hate you when you say fabulous things like that. You're so subtle in the way you take people down. Well-played. Now if your face on TV would stop making my dog piss itself and hide under the couch...

(source)

Mary-Kate Digs Soccer?

Mary-Kate Olsen arrives for David Beckham's debut soccer game at The Home Depot Center. Who knew Mary-Kate was a sports fan? All right, she's not. She was driving by and saw the red carpet, and whenever she sees one she has to walk it. If you wanted to kill the bitch, all you would have to do was make a long red carpet leading to the edge of a cliff...

Posh And Eva

Victoria Beckham and Eva Longoria at last night's David Beckham debut game. Vicky and Eva have a lot in common now. They're both married to pro athletes, for one. And they both have incredibly unnatural skintones. And they both despise Teri Hatcher with all their heart and soul...



"Clap clap clap. All I do is clap. And jump up and down so all the pervs can look at my boobs. This is a major drag. Did you hear what I said? Major drag. Hello? Anyone? That's my word - you're supposed to cheer now. Oh sod the lot of you..."

Like Most Americans, Suri Doesn't Care For Soccer

The Home Depot Center was indeed the center of the celebrity universe last night, with everyone from Tom and Katie to Eva Longoria to Mary-Kate Olsen showing up to cheer on David Beckham in his debut with the L.A. Galaxy. Here we see Katie and Suri - Katie doing a slightly better job of pretending not to be bored out of her skull.



"Mommy, promise me something. When I grow up, you will never, ever let me marry a soccer player..."



"Yeah, Tom Cruise is my daddy. It's kinda crazy. Sometimes at night I see this green glow under my door, and there's this buzzing sound. And then he comes in my room smelling like pancake batter..."



"Hey you, pap. Get that fucking thing out of my face before I fuck you up. Believe me motherfucker, I will fucking cut you..."

Party On, Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan was formally booked for DUI the other day, and a court date has been set for August 24. Meanwhile, there are reports that her new movie has been nixed because the insurers got scared away by her antics (though the head of the studio insists the movie is still on). And what is Lindsay's reaction to all this turmoil? Why, to party in Malibu, of course.



Rum and Coke without the rum - just ain't the same, is it Lindz?



"What?"

It Rains On Celebs Too

Keira Knightley and Rupert Friend walk in the rain. Keira's probably pissed at the clouds now for making her all wet. Why not scowl at the sky, Keira? Oh, your life is so miserable - you're rich and famous and soaked.

Swank Is A Ball Fan

Hilary Swank takes in a baseball game. And that's her cute face.

Bai Ling

Bai Ling is slipping. I can't see her nipples at all in these pictures and she isn't touching her crotch. I guess she was just off her game last night. We still ruv her.

Cameron Diaz Also Goes To The Salon

Cameron Diaz exits the Neil George salon. And that's what she had done? Got herself a haircut that emphasizes the freakish wideness of her head? Nice job wearing all white too Cameron - so the glare messes with the paps. We're on to you wily pothead skanks - don't think we aren't.

Mary-Kate Goes To The Salon

Person who covers Mary-Kate Olsen's face so the sun doesn't burn her. Now that's a crap job. Especially considering the fact that the Olsens don't like to pay their help. Notice also that the uncompensated minion is required to wear all black, absorbing as much heat as possible from around Mary-Kate. Why not just fold the bitch up and carry her in a cooler? Wouldn't that be easier?

John Mayer Performs

Fan: "Douchebag!"

John: "Don't you mean 'Freebird?'"

Fan: "No, I mean douchebag."

Sharon Stone No Longer Gives A Crap

Camouflage pants? Sharon, we love you, but...camouflage pants?

Britney Takes Her Kid On A Boat Without A Life Jacket Again. Let The Outrage Commence.

Britney Spears continues to place her kids' lives in danger. Does this woman have no regard for them at all? Is she actually trying to kill them, so she doesn't have to be bothered with them anymore?

[Splash!]

"Oh my God, Sean Preston, Jayden James. Somebody get the life preserver thingie. I'm gonna go over here and have a smoke while y'all are savin' them. My little precious angels. Damn this is a good cigarette."

And You Thought Perez Was A Fat Beast...

This is Manuel Uribe, a Mexican dude, who is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the fattest man on earth. He tipped the scales (actually broke them) at 1,234 pounds when they gave him the honor, but apparently he's dropped 400 pounds since then. Good job Manuel - you got under that half-ton mark. At this rate your penis may soon re-emerge from the folds of fat, allowing you to live out your dream of banging the neighbor's sow. Keep hope alive, big guy.

(Note to Lou Dobbs - want to keep Mexicans from crossing the border? Keep shipping them crates of food until they're all 1,000 pounds. Problem solved, as Ross Perot would say.)

Madonna's Arms Compete With Poshy's Legs For World's Grodiest Appendages Title

Madonna's arms become more fascinatingly disgusting with each passing day. She could peel all the skin off them and I don't think you'd be able to tell.

Orlando Bloom Has A Girlfriend

Orlando Bloom has apparently been banging Pirates of the Caribbean co-star Naomie Harris for awhile now, but they've only just gotten around to being seen together in public (dinner after a performance of Orlando's new play in London). Reportedly, the two became buds on the set of the second Pirates film when Naomie caught a cold and Orlando gave her cough syrup. Then they got closer after Orlando broke up with Kate Bosworth, and Naomie allowed him to cry on her shoulder. Sly Orlando. And great job too - Naomie is freaking hot, and Crabbie loved her as Tia Dalma in the last two Pirates movies. He especially dug the way she made the name "Sparrow" into a three-syllable word: "Spee-ah-row." Listening to her and Bill Nighy go back and forth in their outrageous accents was about the only entertaining part of that whole last piece of shit At World's End thing - that and the part where Johnny Depp turns into a hundred Johnny Depps and they're all swishy and drunk. I like my Johnny swishy and drunk, and cloned into enough Johnnies for the world's greatest orgy.

(source)

The "Real" Pictures Of Posh's Leg

These are the alleged unphotoshopped "real" pictures of Posh's leg - the ones that were supposedly altered by some evil individual to look like this:



Right. And I suppose Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone too? And I guess George Bush didn't order the Twin Towers brought down as a way of justifying the invasion of Iraq. And next you're going to tell me that Soviet agents didn't kidnap Jimmy Carter in 1977 and replace him with a robot programmed to completely ruin the U.S. economy and implement a Middle East policy that would lead to the rise of a militant, nuclearized Iran? You people are so gullible. Of course Posh's legs are really all icky and wrinkled. The "real" pictures are the fakes. Bunch of dupes.

Britney's Dressed For A Sexy, Sexy Funeral

Britney Spears is photographed on a shoot for her new video "Get Back." Awesome boots Brit - or at least they were when Gene Simmons wore them back in 1977. Just love the whole Black Widow thing - it's so beautifully trite.

By the way, if you want to hear the first 20 seconds or so of "Get Back," just play this:

No, I don't know why it sounds like Pac-Man.



Britney brought her new puppy to the shoot. It looks...thrilled.

What The Fug?

Circus freak Maggie Gyllenhaal has been chosen as the new spokesmodel for Agent Provocateur lingerie, following in the footsteps of such glamorous hotties as Kate Moss, Kylie Minogue and Dita Von Teese. What, is the company trying to kill their sales? Who the hell wants to see this beast cavorting around in her underwear? I hope to God she has enough sense to keep the underwear on at least, and not whip out her titty and start suckling people. Seriously - this has to be one of the most bizarre business decisions in recent memory. It's like someone hired Perez to model briefs.

(source)

(I apologize for the Go Fug Yourself-style headline. I hate that fucking shit too.)

Sarah Silverman Regrets Paris Dig

Sarah Silverman's digs at Paris Hilton during the MTV Movie Awards, while Hilton was present in the audience, were completely hilarious - but now Silverman says she regrets ever taking them. Said Silverman:

I thought, "She's got to know there's going to be a joke about her," so I went for it. But then I looked down and saw a man in her face with a camera. ... I was there to be funny and I was, but that doesn't mean I can't feel bad about it.

I guess it's nice, Sarah, that you felt bad about making Paris feel bad - it shows that you're a human being with feelings and all that. But come on...this is Paris Hilton we're talking about. If anyone ever deserved to be publicly humiliated, it was Paris. The only thing I regret is that we don't still throw people in the stocks in the town square and let everyone chuck rotten food at them. If this were the case, Paris would be covered in egg gook and tomato ick pretty much every day of her useless, revolting life.

For the record, Paris allegedly has forgiven Silverman, saying:

[Sarah's] a funny comedienne and hopefully she won't be as mean the next time she sees me.

Sure. Paris said that. And I got double-teamed by Matthew McConaughey and Jake Gyllenhaal behind a Hardee's last week.

(source)

Lohan Brings Movie Down

Lindsay Lohan's excessive partying may have finally ruined her movie career. The red-headed menace, who recently got out of rehab and has been wearing an alleged alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet, was scheduled to appear in a new film called Poor Things alongside the legendary Shirley MacLaine, but according to an email sent out by the set designer, the movie's insurers got scared away after Lohan was photographed having fun - though apparently not boozing - in Vegas over the weekend. The email reads in part:

Poor Things has been cancelled. ... Sorry to be the harbinger of bad news, but I just received a call from Jacky Gilardi, the producer, pulling the plug on the ill-fated film. ... Apparently, Ms. Lohan's antics in Las Vegas over the weekend have scared the bond companies and all of the funding has been pulled . . . I look forward to working together in the future and trust our next project will not be as fraught with difficulty.

A friend of Lohan's denies that Lindsay's carrying on was really behind the film being nixed however:

She had nothing to do with that movie shutting down. It was a mess to begin with. They randomly fired Channing Tatum for Giovanni Ribisi, and then financing fell through because producers spent money like water. It was only supposed to cost $4 million - Lindsay was being paid nothing for that role. ... Lindsay is proving to everyone that she is - and will remain - sober by voluntarily wearing the ankle bracelet and taking drug tests. This is not about her work. It's about her being able to live her life and go out with her friends without people writing nasty items about her.

Why would the set designer claim Lindsay ruined the movie if it wasn't true? Does the man have it in for her? Or was the email itself a hoax perpetrated by some evil-doer who put the set designer's name on it to make it seem authentic? Either way, the fact is that Lindsay has developed a reputation. She made life unpleasant on the set of Georgia Rule, finally being chastised by the studio chief for her frequent absences. Then her next film, I Know Who Killed Me, had to be shut down while she checked herself into rehab the first time. And then she was dropped from The Best Time of Our Lives for mysterious reasons that many suspect were related to her refusal to submit to drug testing. Given all that, would it really surprise anyone to learn that no one is willing to insure her? Lindsay needs to realize that, in order to win her way back into the good graces of the people who do the hiring - and insuring - in the movie biz, she needs to do more than just promise to be good and wear something that looks like an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. She needs to really toe the line. Yes, she may think it's unfair that she can't "hang out with her friends" - but part of growing up and becoming an adult is doing shit you don't want to do because it's what's good for you. If Lohan were really serious about her career, and really had matured and learned her lesson from rehab, she would stay away from nightclubs altogether - at least until people became convinced that she really was over her problems. Sadly, it doesn't seem that Lindsay is serious about getting her act together - she thinks she can bullshit her way through this like she's bullshitted her way through everything else in her life. Movie producers and insurance people, unfortunately for Lindsay, are really good at seeing through bullshit.

(source)

Posh Has Leg Issues

What is the matter with Posh's leg?

A. She didn't pull her fake skin tight enough over her robot skeleton.
B. She's 900 years old and in dire need of virgin blood injections.
C. Her body is starting to reject the leg she had grafted on after Scary pulled the other one off in a horrible cat-fight.
D. She's actually Joan Rivers in a Posh mask.
E. Nothing's the matter with it - that is damn sexy.

Cruise As A Nazi

This is the first official pic of Tom Cruise as would-be Hitler assassin Claus von Stauffenberg in the new movie Valkyrie. Too bad there weren't Scientologists around back then - they would've audited those bad Thetans right out of old Adolf. He would've been a puppy-dog once they got done with him.

(source)

Amanda Bynes Is Cute

Amanda Bynes at the Baltimore premiere of Hairspray. I've never once seen Amanda's poon, nor have I heard a single story about her spending a half-hour in a bathroom snorting blow. What the hell's the matter with her anyway?

Tara Reid + A Bunch Of Soccer Players = I Don't Think I Need To Tell You

Why is Tara Reid smiling? Cause she's at a party for the soccer team Chelsea FC, who are in L.A. to play in a tournament. Tara always knows where the finest dick is at.

Geek Show

The Harry Potter kids don 3-D glasses in honor of the IMAX 3-D premiere of The Order of the Phoenix. Yeah, those are great-looking - can't wait until they replace those silly Jackie O. shades. And another thing I can't wait for - the release of the new Harry Potter novel. Gosh, I'm so geeked to find out what happens to everyone. The anticipation is almost killing me. Too bad there wasn't some place on the web I could go to find out what happens...

Avril Rocks Out

Avril Lavigne on-stage in Greece. So Avril's still going with the school-girl/punk look. That never gets old I guess. Wonder how that whole begging Perez to stop making fun of her thing is working out? Oh, I guess not well.

Lachey And Minnillo

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have acquired a little naughty patina in the wake of their sex-tape controversy. Now every time we see them we're going to think of them going at each other like crazed animals in a hotel hot tub. Supposedly, this is not what they want - Nick's people said he likes his "squeaky-clean" image, and was worried the release of a sex-tape would damage that. Now Nick doesn't have to worry - because OK! Magazine has bought up all the potentially harmful material. Odd move on behalf of OK! - shelling out a reported $40,000 to suppress the sex tape and photos, in exchange for an "exclusive" interview with Nick and Vanessa. And that helped their circulation? An exclusive with a couple of quasi-celebs? I wouldn't have paid 40 dollars for that, even if I had 40 dollars. Which I don't.

Cisco Adler Is Impressed With Himself

Cisco Adler has freaky balls. And, according to Cisco, he also has mad game. Brags Cisco of his ability to bed famous babes:

I have some sort of gift with women . . . I tend to find myself dating famous women sometimes. I just write dope songs and fuck hot bitches.

A list of the famous women Cisco has nailed includes Mischa Barton, Paris Hilton, Kimberly Stewart and Lindsay Lohan. I will leave it to the reader to decide whether any of those quality as "hot," and reserve myself to the observation that, when one endeavors to nail famous women, it helps immeasurably if said women have no taste, and happen to be incredibly high on drugs at the time one is undertaking the seduction. So maybe Cisco shouldn't be quite so impressed with his abilities. His balls, however, are a spectacle to behold. How they managed to get left off the new list of the Seven Wonders of the World is beyond me.

(source)

Britney Does What Britney Does

Britney Spears stripped down to her undies and jumped into the ocean - in full view of photographers. Because she hates all the attention, you see. And of course all this was totally spontaneous - you know, Britney being young and wild and care-free. No premeditation whatsoever. And of course Britney didn't call the paps ahead of time and tell them what beach to be at.



Take a gay man's opinion for what it's worth, but that butt looks pretty smokin' to me. The dog's I mean...



"Oh my God, I'm so crazy. I just ripped all my clothes off and leapt into the ocean. And what am I doing to do next? You just never know do you? I could strip down naked and start dodging freeway traffic. Or I might begin having sex with complete strangers in the middle of busy intersections. Why did I bother making records all those years when I could've been making a loony spectacle of myself? I'm playin' the media, y'all."

Brad And Gwyneth Together Again?

Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow, who were once engaged we recall, have signed together to appear as Watergate figure John Dean and his wife Maureen in a new movie called Dirty Tricks. So naturally the rumors about Angelina Jolie being insanely jealous must now start circulating, right? Thanks to the Aussie mag New Idea, they have. That publication contends that Angie is worried Brad and Gwyneth may re-kindle their relationship on the set of the film - and points out that Angie has good reason to fret, given that she herself got her hooks into Brad while they were filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Oh the irony, right? Gwyneth stealing Brad the same way Angie stole him from Jen? Poetic justice? Mostly it's just another chance for us to enjoy the thought of Angelina squirming. We do like that, don't we? Yes we do - and with good reason. The woman is a horrid egomaniacal lunatic who color co-ordinates her children and takes cynical advantage of human suffering to make herself look good. And somehow she's managed to suck Brad Pitt into her freaky, delusional Mother Teresa trip. So, yes, we all hope that Brad and Gwyneth get it on while they're filming this movie. We hope there are pictures of them fucking like wild beasts splashed all over the net, accompanied by audio files of Angelina's incoherent, enraged shrieking. And pictures of Jennifer Aniston grinning like Andy Dick with a fist in his ass.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Has Gone Off The Deep End

Forget about Britney - Amy Winehouse is the real queen of musical trainwrecks. The beehived songstress, who tellingly had a hit with a tune about her refusal to go to rehab, outdid herself at Cornwall's Eden Project Tuesday night. Fans say Amy seemed fine for the first couple of songs, but then she suddenly ran off-stage, and when she returned she seemed confused and could no longer remember the words to her songs. She spent much of the remainder of the performance slapping herself in the face and hitting herself in the head with her microphone, swearing and rubbing her nose. Devotees of the wacked-out singer who'd managed to last this long were then properly offended when Amy decided to spit at them. The singer finally dropped her mic and staggered off, to a chorus of boos and jeers. Said one ex-Winehouse fan:

It was a bizarre performance. She was disorientated, disinterested and dishevelled. I paid a lot of money because I was a huge fan - but I am not anymore.

I don't know what this fan is so bent out of shape about - sounds to me like Amy put on a hell of a show. What, you want to stand there listening to some broad boringly belt out tunes? I'd rather witness the spectacle of a gifted person pissing their talent away. It's tragic and poignant and apparently quite hilarious.

(source)

Kate Moss Is So Over Pete Doherty

Kate Moss is back out socializing again after all the unpleasantness with Pete Doherty. I don't want to read too much into this picture cause, you know, she could just be sneezing.



That must've been some blast of cock-breath.

More Pasty Old White Man News

Hot young starlets aren't the only ones who can get drunk and act crazy in public - old, crusty, washed-up white men can do it too. Here we see Nick Nolte at the Kauai airport, making the least of a flight delay by rolling around on the floor, quite inebriated. Fellow passengers found Nolte amusing but pathetic - at one point some kind soul helped him put a dollar in a vending machine because he couldn't quite manage. On the bright side, at least he didn't molest anyone or shout racial epithets.



(source)

Drawn By His Overpowering Aroma...

Brandon Davis has himself a girlfriend. He was walking around one day and this bitch just started following him. He couldn't get rid of her so he decided he might as well fuck her. A strong petroleum-and-booze odor is apparently irresistible to certain females.

Bloom Snubbed By Slag

Orlando Bloom is still looking for that special someone to take the place of ex-girlfriend Kate Bosworth. One candidate he can now definitively strike off the list of prospective sweethearts is red-headed actress Amy Nuttall. Bloom was reportedly all over Nuttall at the premiere of his new play In Celebration, and for awhile it seemed she was buying his act. Then Amy suddenly checked her watch, said "Look at the time," and was out of there - leaving Orlando alone with his hard-on.

(source)

Christopher Walker...Er, Walken...

Christopher Walken takes a stroll in Central Park. Hear about the new movie Christopher has coming out? It's called The Just-About-Dead Zone.

Winona Ryder Wants Us To Care About Her

Winona Ryder is trying to get her career back on-track after years of being a Hollywood after-thought. As part of her resurrection strategy, she has decided to address the 2001 shoplifting incident which transformed her from a hot young actress to a punchline. According to Winona, her unaccountable attack of kleptomania - she was caught on-tape trying to steal clothing from Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills - was caused by, what else, drugs. Winona tells Vogue Magazine:

Two months prior to that, I broke my arm in two places and the doctor was giving me a lot of stuff and I was taking it at first to get through the pain. And then there was this weird point when you don't know if you are in pain but you're taking it. Have you ever taken painkillers? It isn't a reckless (state) like you're out of your head. It's just confusion. The attention was what was embarrassing. It was the December after September 11th 2001. So much attention was being paid to me, when we had just been attacked, and there was all this really important news going on.

Yes Winona - everyone who breaks their arm ends up bombed out of their mind on pain medication. So we can perfectly well understand the problems you experienced. And of course, it was totally silly and frivolous for the world to be focusing on you when there were so many other more important things going on like the war on terror. All that time we spent obsessing over your issues - my God, no wonder Osama Bin Laden slipped through our fingers! How could we have been so negligent - allowing Winona Ryder to distract us from the terrorist threat?

A piece of advice from the Crabster to Winona - why not just crawl back into whatever hole you've been living in for the last six years? The world is full of interesting celebs and certainly doesn't need you. Seriously, do you think we were all just sitting here waiting for you to re-emerge? You probably do, don't you? You probably think we've been on the edge of our seats anticipating your return. I hate to break the news to you Winona, but we weren't. We were too busy waiting to see what crazy outfit Britney would wear next. Never for a second did you cross our minds. And now that you've decided to stick your head up, we've only been reminded of how dull you are, and wish you would please fuck off.

(source)

Britney Kicks Her Mom's Ass

Britney Spears and her mother Lynne reportedly got into a physical altercation last month after Lynne showed up at Britney's place demanding to have some time with the grandkids. Unfortunately, the producers of Cops were not on-hand at the time to record the whole thing for posterity, or we would've had some kicking video.

According to Star Magazine, the slapfight between Brit and Lynne led directly to the now-famous public paper-handing on the set of Jamie Lynn's TV show. But Lynne is apparently not bitter about what went down between her and her darling Brit Brit - in fact, she's more concerned than ever now about Britney's health. According to Lynne, Britney is suffering from depression and needs to be on medication - you now, besides booze and laxatives.

(source)

So is Britney depressed or just plain-old-everyday crazy? A new report from Page 6 would seem to support the latter. According to that venerable gossip institution, Britney has fired pretty much everyone, and is currently serving as her own manager and publicist. Yes, apparently Britney's displays of bizarre public behavior and dubious fashion sense are not merely the actions of a stupid nutbag - they are in fact her publicity strategy. And, considering how much play she gets in the tabs and blogs, it appears her plan is working. Scary.

(source)

Bridget Moynahan - Work-Out Freak

Bridget Moynahan is a real gym-rat. I think she might've gotten carried away with her abs though...

Lohan Hangs With Her True Love

"You are so awesome."
"No you're awesome."
"No, you are so awesome."
"No, you're awesome."
"Aww - you're so awesome..."

When Gayness Stops Being Beautiful

When is gay no longer beautiful? When Adam Sandler and Kevin James start pretend-kissing at a baseball game. I'd rather watch one of them make out with that tranny Chuck and Larry co-star of theirs Jessica Biel. Course if that happened Timberlake would get really jealous. And you know how I hate to see Timberlake cry.

The Beauty That Is Dunst

Kirsten Dunst is such a beauty. And she exudes such class. She's what all young starlets should aspire to be, in my opinion.

Sharon Stone Is Having Old-Woman Sex

Crabbie's favorite crazy old broad Sharon Stone is going out with late-night talk show host Craig Ferguson, Perez Hilton reports. Yeah Craig, way to bag Sharon Stone. What a great accomplishment...that would've been back in 1993. Oh well, good job anyway. You've scored some old-lady poon. That's the best kind I'm told. Great muscle control those old broads have developed.

(source)

Paris Hilton Is Making Another Record

Paris Hilton had herself a couple of singing lessons and now she thinks she's ready to head into the studio and record a new album. She's probably more marketable now, given her jail stint, than when she released her first record which sold only 77,000 copies, but did lead to a top 20 single in "Stars are Blind." She's got street-cred now. She's been inside. That's hard-time at Lynwood. You could almost break your teeth on those banana nut muffins, man.

(source)

Posh Bombs

The special NBC cobbled together out of footage shot for Victoria Beckham's aborted reality series was a ratings flop last night, being beaten out by a rerun of Wife Swap, and finishing in a dead heat with repeats of How I Met Your Mother and Old Christine. The Crabster frankly forgot Poshy's show was on last night and only caught a few minutes of it while clicking away from the boring parts of Antiques Roadshow. I saw a bit of that silliness where she pretended to get pulled over by a cop, and I saw Perez looking utterly intimidated when she dropped into the coffee shop. I don't blame Perez for being scared of her either - that bitch seems capable of just about anything, including eating her own children. Otherwise she seemed like what I always thought she was - a boring, zit-faced, vapid imbecile who possesses a monstrously over-inflated estimation of her own importance.

(source)

Lindsay Back To Living

Lindsay Lohan is back in the swing of things after her protracted rehab stint. The starlet has already been to Vegas where she hooked-up with the Mindfreak Criss Angel. Well, she had to vent all that pent-up sexual energy - cause we know she didn't get any in rehab ha ha. Next up on the agenda for Lindsay is promoting her new movie I Know Who Killed Me, a horror film in which she plays a stripper. Yes, Lindsay we know - you're not the little cutie in The Parent Trap anymore. Believe us, we're aware.

Jessica Biel Has A Hot Armpit, So I'm Told

Jessica Biel's armpit smells like:

A. An old jock-strap
B. Andre the Giant
C. A hobo has been living there since 1984
D. Tranny-juice
E. The armpit of a mediocre actress who is only paid attention to by the media because she is alleged to have an incredible ass

Beckham Practices

David Beckham practices kicking a soccer ball. You see in this picture that his ankle is taped-up - reportedly, the injury to that ankle could cause him to miss his first game as an L.A. Galaxy. Guess the fags will all have to find something else to do that night if David doesn't play. Party at Crabbie's!

Katie Goes For Hairspray

Katie Holmes at the premiere of Hairspray. The old Katie is pregnant rumors have started up again - honestly, every time the girl's midriff looks a tiny bit bulgy, it doesn't mean she's pregnant. Women get bigger down there for lots of reasons, most of which do not involve having a little being inside them. Or, if there is a being inside her, it isn't necessarily a baby. It could be, you know, an extra-terrestrial. They have to have some place to incubate, don't they?

Mel Gibson Is Committed To Sobriety

Mel Gibson has been hanging around in Costa Rica a lot - he's even bought a mansion there, and has been kissing official ass and promising to give money to the natives. This is what you do when you're a big star who's been shamed in America - you find some backward banana-sucking country and spread a bunch of money around and turn yourself into a little pseudo-nobleman. Mel will probably start calling himself Senor Mel now, and will go around with a monkey on his shoulder, and have little brown native boys fanning him with palm fronds. And he'll have tons of native girls at his disposal. Down there they don't care if he's a drunk anti-Semite.

(source)

Paris Has Finally Found Someone She Can Really Relate To...

Britney Can't Do Anything Right

Pretty much the entire human race has lined up to take shots at Britney Spears. The latest has come from The Humane Society of the United States, which is taking Britney to task for shelling out $3,000 for a Yorkshire Terrier puppy at a pet store this weekend. The Humane Society doesn't think rich dummies like Britney should be buying dogs impulsively - why, because they're going to get tired of them once they grow up and neglect them and wind up tying them to a tree out in the middle of the woods? Oh yeah, that's probably why. Also, the Human Society thinks Britney sets a bad example by supporting what they call "puppy factories," breeders who churn out so-called "designer puppies" in huge numbers. I think this is a bit unfair though - this is Britney we're talking about; it's not like anyone should expect her to think at all before she does anything. Probably she was just feeling a little lonely - I guess she hadn't been fucked in like fifteen minutes - and decided to pick up a new friend. Perfectly innocent. However, if the Humane Society did want to look into something, they might start with Britney's rather unorthodox way of toting her new little canine buddy:



Britney's pure white-trash - meaning she doesn't feel comfortable rolling with anything less than ten dogs. If your house doesn't always sound like a kennel at feeding time, you are just not a hillbilly.

(source)

Posh Calls American Women Tasteless Slags

Fashion icon Victoria Beckham has criticized American stars for not glamming themselves up enough. Said Poshy in an interview with the LA Times:

They dress down quite a lot here, don't they?. It seems to be in keeping to go to Starbucks in tracksuit bottoms and Ugg boots. ... I have one pair [of tracksuit bottoms] for non-photographic opportunities only. Underground car parks are fine, but aside from that, no.

I say bravo Poshy - couldn't agree with you more babe. American stars: you're stars - now start acting like it. Stop leaving the house looking like you just rolled out of bed and threw on whatever happened to be draped over the back of your Barcalounger. Especially you women. I'm sick of seeing pictures of you at Ralph's in sweats and tank-tops - throw on some Valentino when you're going out shopping for God's sake, and a pair of metallic leather lined Sergio Rossi pumps. Don't you have any freaking pride?

(source)

Paris Hilton Is Into Politics

Paris Hilton reportedly told Larry King, off-camera on the day of her famed interview, that she follows politics and even gets out to vote. Larry, great miner of truth that he is, asked Paris the last time she voted. The dippy heiress replied, "Last year." Larry then inquired which election she voted in last year. "Presidential," Paris said.

So adorable.

(for the benefit of our foreign readers and the few American ones as dumb as Paris - our last presidential election was in 2004)

(source)

Perez Likes Safety Orange

Perez Hilton hangs out with Tori Spelling in Malibu. So this is what Perez is reduced to - befriending Tori Spelling. Oh I know, the reverend Tori is the new favorite of gays because she's allowed to marry us now. How did she get ordained anyway - by answering an ad in the back of Honcho?

I'm not even going to say anything about Perez's outfit - except that he looks like a candy corn. A big dumb gay candy corn who doesn't have to worry about getting shot when he goes out hunting deer.

Britney And Alli - Still Buds

Those pictures I posted yesterday of Britney at Ritual - turns out that was a birthday party for good old cousin Alli. We'd heard that Britney and Alli were on the outs but apparently that wasn't entirely true. Maybe Alli is just taking a break from Britney then. God knows she needs one - it's bad enough having to wipe the kids' asses, but your boss's too?

By the way, perverted guy who wanted more pictures of cousin Alli - I looked for you but couldn't find any. Guess you'll have to wack to the ones you have.

By the way part II - X17 is promising a listen to Britney's new single today. TMZ is Paris's blog and X17 is Britney's. I'm no one's, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to negotiate. Tara Reid - I'm talking to you.

(source)

Suri Smiles

Suri thinks something is funny. Maybe the fact that her mommy looks like Bono during his wacky Fly-man phase? Maybe the fact that her daddy's pee-pee is about the same size as the nipple on her bottle?



Katie looks like a very stylishly-dressed movie villainess, some icy-cold chick from a former Soviet bloc nation. Maybe she's wrangling for a part in the next Jason Bourne movie. Suri could be her sidekick. All that shit's gonna come to a screeching halt if Suri drips milk on mommy's Prada bag though.


One of these days Suri's going to start getting those little intuitive flashes - the ones that say, "My life is not quite normal." Hopefully she'll never figure out that her daddy's only using her to improve his image. Damn, that's gonna be some therapy bill.

Lohan's New Conquest - The Mindfreak

Lindsay Lohan has gone where many skanks including Cameron Diaz have gone before - into the realm of the Mindfreak. Yup, Lohan bagged Criss Angel - at least that's what we're going to assume after seeing these pictures of the two of them in Vegas over the weekend. A pretty safe assumption given that I don't think either one of them has ever experienced an impulse they didn't follow through on.



Look closely and you will see the alcohol-monitoring bracelet Lindsay has opted to wear to help her stay sober now that she's officially exited rehab. It seems like a responsible move on the surface - then we realize that this is Lindsay Lohan and the bracelet is probably fake, just another ploy like the water bottles to make us think she's not back on the sauce. You're so clever Lindsay - but you don't fool Crabbie. Once a drunken ho, always a drunken ho. Right Courtney?




(source)

Kathy Griffin Presents The Weekend Box-Office Top 5...

More Great Bai Ling Poses

The Me So Pretty And Me Likee Suckee


The GI Insert Penis Here


The Oh My Tummy Me Swallow Too Much Jizz And Look At My Pretty Shoe I Stab Round-Eye Lady And Stealee

Keira Knightley Hates Wealth And Fame So Much That...

...she's just signed to become the new face of Chanel.

Keira Knightley on wealth and fame:

The celebrity thing is completely crazy. I think I just have to move away or give it up altogether.

I don't see myself as a celebrity. The whole celebrity thing seems to be a job that you find yourself in and you haven't actually signed up for it, and I don't actually agree with that.

Silly, silly twat.

TMZ Not The Only Ones Guilty Of Going Easy On Paris

An official investigation has been launched into whether the L.A. County Sheriff's Department gave favorable treatment to media figure Paris Hilton while she was jailed at Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood. According to the department union, deputies assigned to Lynwood have come forward telling of various perks Paris received, including the following:

• Free access to a cell phone, while the other inmates had to wait in line to use pay-phones.
• Daily visits by top brass at Lynwood, and her mail hand-delivered by a captain instead of one of the trusties.
• A new clean jail uniform, not a recycled one like the other inmates were issued.

Two unnamed Sheriff's Department officials have confirmed the above. Steve Whitmore, a spokesperson for Sheriff Lee Baca, shot down these allegations however, saying the department's own information differs from the accounts given to internal affairs by the Lynwood deputies. Whitmore went on to accuse judge Michael Sauer of giving Paris an unduly severe sentence, saying:

[if there was any unfair treatment] it came from the court's sentence, which was harsher than for other defendants facing similar charges.

The head of the L.A. County Sheriff's Association, Steve Remige, has hit back at Baca over the Hilton incident and an earlier one in which the sheriff allegedly ordered the suppression of unpleasant details of Mel Gibson's arrest, saying:

[the handling of celebrity cases shows] a pattern that Baca is beholden to the Hollywood set, and a form of patronage.

(source)

Meanwhile, Paris went to the beach:



Laaaa-li-la-la-laaaaa...



Boooo-dee-boo-dee-boo-booooooo


Diddle-iddle-it-dee-dee-deeeeeeee


Do-dibby-dibby-doo-doo-dibby-dibby-dooooooo



Do-bee-do-bee-doo-doooo-diddy-waaaaaaaaaaaaah

Remy Ma Charged With Attempted Murder

Rapper Remy Ma has been arrested and charged with attempted murder after allegedly shooting her friend in the stomach outside trendy New York hotspot Pizza Bar Saturday. Remy, who's real name is Remy Smith, was leaving a birthday party when she became angered over some money that had gone missing from her purse. The rapper approached her friend, Makeda Barnes-Joseph, apparently believing the woman was responsible for taking the money. Remy then pulled a gun on Barnes-Joseph, who was sitting in her car, and fired two bullets into her abdomen. The rapper tried to flee in her Escalade but crashed it a flew blocks from the scene and jumped in a cab instead. Barnes-Joseph meanwhile was taken to St. Vincent's hospital where she had to have emergency surgery, the bullet having just missed her uterus and kidneys. She identified the shooter as Remy Ma, and a warrant was issued for the rapper's arrest. Remy, looking "tired and disheveled," arrived at the Sixth Precinct at 8pm with her lawyer to surrender to police, and was charged with attempted murder, assault and criminal weapons possession. Her lawyer, Scott Leemon, said the following:

Do not jump to conclusions. These are merely allegations and Remy denies them adamantly.

The victim remains in stable condition. Which sucks for Remy Ma cause if she'd died - man, think of the street cred...

(source)

Ronson Strikes Back

DJ Samantha Ronson is annoyed that people think she's a heartless snake who is only using "girlfriend" Lindsay Lohan to further her own career. She's so irritated in fact that she's willing to go to court over it - by bringing a $20 million libel suit against Perez Hilton and Sunset Photo and News Agency, which operates the site CelebrityBabylon.

Perez and the Sunset Agency are accused of claiming, falsely, that Ronson helped paparazzi get pictures of Lohan in exchange for money, and that she was responsible for the cocaine that was found in Lohan's car the night of her crash and DUI arrest.

It's just a coincidence, I suppose, that in these pictures Ronson appears to be peeling back Lindsay's hood so the paps can get a better picture:




She's just being helpful. Such a nice young woman.

(source)