Britney hit Les Deux last night. She needed to decompress a little after the stress of so much partying. Takes a lot out of you. Plus there's the unpleasantness with her mom. You just know Britney's gnashing her teeth over that. Girl's got a lot on her mind. You have no idea how draining it is, the effort of choosing what head-wrap to hold your icky fake hair up with.
Eva Longoria arrives for her bachelorette party in St. Tropez. Bet there were some hunky dancers there. Wonder how many of them Eva did. I'm guessing three minimum. Slow night for her. But she was tuckered - all the wedding preparations, you know.
PAPER PARIS VISITS UNCLE LARRY ON HIS FAMOUS T.V. SHOW...
SOMETIMES BAD THINGS HAPPEN THOUGH...
BE STRONG PAPER PARIS. BE STRONG...
No, it's not a zombie leprechaun - it's Sharon Stone. Yes, that Sharon Stone. The one who made raised the poon-flash to an art-form long before Britney and Lindsay. Nobody wants to look at her poon nowadays though. And frankly we don't want to look at her face either. But, look on the bright side - at least she doesn't have arms like Madonna:
Madonna now looks like Iggy Pop with boobs. Lovely.
The New Paris is not alone in Hawaii - she has brought along her buddy Ashley Scott, the TV actress, who visited her in jail a couple days before she was let out. Is there something going on between these two? Even if there isn't we're going to say there is - cause that's just the kind of people we are.
It's gotten bad between Britney Spears and her mother Lynne - this became manifestly obvious yesterday when Splash News cameras captured Britney storming onto the set of sister Jamie Lynn's TV show in Valencia, confronting Lynne and handing her a set of papers. Speculation is that the papers were related to a restraining order Britney has had slapped on Lynne, which would prevent Lynne from seeing either of Britney's children anymore. Britney, allegedly, claims Lynne has a pill addiction, and should therefore be kept from seeing her grandsons Sean Preston and Jayden James. Most believe however that Britney's actions have been motivated by her own personal anger toward Lynne, whom Britney has repeatedly accused of conspiring against her, in league with ex-husband Kevin Federline. Britney reportedly even claims that Lynne "forced her" to enter rehab earlier this year against her will - though how exactly this went down remains something only Britney herself knows.
So how is Lynne handling the very public unpleasantness between her and her precious angel of a daughter? Here's what a source told People magazine:
[Lynne] is brokenhearted. She wants her baby to be okay and to bring her grandkids home to Kentwood and raise them in a normal environment.
One wonders what exactly constitutes a "normal" environment in the opinion of Lynne Spears. Certainly, Britney's own childhood was anything but normal. Also, it is revealing that the word "baby" keeps being used in connection with Spears. Yes, I understand the sentimental application of that particular word, especially when a mother is speaking of her child - but in Britney's case, there is more than a whiff of the literal to it. Perhaps the whole root of the problem is that Lynne cannot stop seeing her little Brits as a baby - and Brits cannot therefore stop acting like one. It would be helpful for Britney if, at some point in her ever-more-miserable existence, someone close to her demanded something resembling adult behavior from her. Of course, money and fame make a wonderful shield against responsibility - even if Britney were confronted with her childishness, it's doubtful her behavior patterns would be adjusted. Someone else would always be there to tell her she doesn't have to listen to that jerk - that it's okay for her to go on being the same irresponsible child she's always been. Such is the nature of sycophancy - for its own sake it must encourage the most foolish and self-destructive of behaviors.
If Lynne Spears did in fact "force" Britney to enter rehab, it was probably the most motherly thing she's ever done - even if it was finally motivated not by love so much as a wish to keep the gravy-train on the road. And how is Britney repaying her? With legal papers and threats and public accusations of drug use. Clearly, Britney does not take well to being told she's done something she shouldn't have.
(One final note on this story: Apparently, Britney discovered Lynne was in Valencia after asking some photographers. Lovely relationship Britney has with the paps now. Guess that whole umbrella-whacking thing has been forgotten?)
Nicky Hilton heads to a baby shower. What does a Hilton bring as a gift to a baby shower by the way? A pair of baby hooker-boots? A toddler-sized bong? The number of a good lawyer for future reference?
Maybe it's just the angle, but doesn't Nicky look even uglier than usual? Her head appears elongated, plus her hair is not great. And her face. It looks like a wild animal tore it off, and the surgeon who put it back together couldn't figure out where the pieces went so he just said fuck it.
Katie Holmes heads to a meeting at CAA in L.A. Memo to everyone who says Katie isn't trying to turn herself into Posh:
Katie is even Poshier than Posh now. Look at the way she carries herself. She used to be kind of gawky and self-conscious about her height, but now she's got that Poshy strut going. I'm betting Poshy practices walking with Katie all the time, out by the pool while Tom is getting his rub-down from David.
Tom really likes his rub-downs too. Really, really likes them.
Newsflash: Paula Abdul is having sex. That's her up there with her new boyfriend J.J. Torregiani. He looks like a cross between David Gest and some ex-boybander. Paula appears to be happy at least. One of these days the drugs are gonna wear off though, and J.J.'s gonna realize he's having sex with Paula Abdul. Then he'll go running back to Simon.
All right, that was lame. Simon's not gay. It's Seacrest J.J. will go running back to. Sorry, that was lame too. Everyone knows Randy Jackson is the homo on that show. Dawg.
Paris Hilton has fled to Hawaii. Maybe she figures they don't have TV there, so no one saw her ridiculous interview with Larry King in which she claimed to have never taken drugs. Nice disguise by the way Paris. Next time consider gloves - those creepy man-hands are a dead give-away.
Tom Cruise is in Amsterdam promoting his new movie Lions for Lambs. I bet Tom is gonna get him some good weed and a hooker while he's there. Er...maybe not.
Nice wooden shoes by the way. The ones on the left are Tom's.
Oh my gosh, doesn't her hair look nice? And she's so much prettier without those colored contacts.
Update: The Smoking Gun would beg to differ with Paris's assertion that she's never done drugs. Be warned - clicking this link leads you to a page featuring seven videos that all load at once.
So whatev sends me an email telling me about this Mika Brzezinski broad who went all pissy on Joe Scarborough's morning show on MSNBC when she had to read a story about Paris Hilton. Seems Ms. Brzezinski, who is the daughter of Zbigniew Brzezinski who was Jimmy Carter's national security advisor, thinks a serious network like MSNBC shouldn't be leading a news update with a story about Paris. Ha ha and ha again. First of all, MSNBC isn't a serious network - it's a joke. They might just as well go to 24-hour-a-day Paris Hilton coverage - hell, they might actually get some ratings if they did that. Second of all, Ms. Brzezinski is clearly a phony. She pitches her little on-air fit to show that she isn't down with all the Paris coverage - but if she really had the courage of her convictions she would've walked out entirely. Or at least had the guts to burn the damn paper instead of just flicking the lighter under it. Come on Mika - that's Don Imus's old spot. You think he would've not lit the paper on fire? I once watched him light a hat on fire and nearly burn down his old studio in Queens. You wanna fill the man's shoes you gotta be willing to go the distance. Otherwise you're just another blonde anchor-chick looking for a little easy pub.
(thanks for the tip whatev)
The toxicology report is in from Lindsay Lohan's crazy night last month. According to TMZ, Lohan had twice the legal limit of alcohol in her bloodstream and traces of cocaine. On the bright side, there was no rhino tranquilizer in there. Of course, this is all moot now - Lindsay has cleaned her life up in rehab so there's no point in pursuing charges. Live and learn, right?
I'm pretty sure someone made this story up - but I'm going to report it anyway because it's just so damn crazy.
According to Britain's Daily Mail, some nutty soul has floated the idea of a Paris Hilton biopic, and you'll never guess who they want to play Paris...
Yup, Lindsay Lohan.
Says a source:
There have already been negotiations with a major film company to make the Paris Hilton biopic with Lindsay Lohan playing Paris - with Britney Spears singing the soundtrack.
And Nicole Richie as an anorexic half-retarded hanger-on who somehow manages to become famous herself? And Jessica Simpson just cause?
This beats the hell out of Celebutard Island. Seriously - if they make this movie, Crabbie will be lined up outside the theater a month ahead of time like one of these insane Star Wars geeks. This thing would even be better than Peyton Place! It would be better than Funny Girl!
All right, not better than Funny Girl.
Am I gayer than usual today? And why am I writing short paragraphs like Perez? I must be copying him again. Damn me to hell.
"Who here smells like a racoon's farts, likes eating worms and has the IQ of a retarded monkey?"
"Who here has slept with Hugh Jackman?"
"Okay. Now let's all wave to the birdies. Hi birdies!"
The Spice Girls, for reasons that remain vague, have decided to reunite. Here we see them at a photocall at the Royal Observatory in the U.K. First of all - Ginger. I looked up your age and found that you are in fact 34 years old. Why then do you look like you should be doing an ad for Metamucil? And blonde chick between Scary and Ginger - I don't quite remember you. Are you sure you were in the Spice Girls? You look like Cameron Diaz's fuglier sister. And Posh - um, camera's over there hon. Did you see something shiny or something? Nice pants by the way. They really help enhance the unnaturalness of your figure. Is that a top you're wearing or some kind of bizarre breast-torture device? And then of course there's darling Sporty. Looks like she's ditched the track-suit at last. Now she wants to be Joss Stone apparently. Well, Joss may be a dumb twat too, but at least she can sing. I heard Sporty can queef "God Save the Queen," but I don't know if I'd call that a talent.
Clips of The New Paris's appearance with Larry King are out. In this one she talks about the shock of discovering that she had been sentenced to jail, and about her first night in the pokey.
The New Paris is reasonable-sounding and boring. We want her to suck a dick or snort some coke.
US Weekly has decided to declare a Paris Hilton black-out. For one issue, the magazine shall feature no stories about Paris Hilton - nor indeed any even passing reference to the recently-jailed skank. Ostensibly, this move is being made because the publishers of US think we're all sick of Paris and need a break from her. However, it's obvious that US has another reason for wanting to remove their support for the juggernaut that is Paris Hilton's publicity machine, and it is far from an altruistic one - they are mad at Paris for jilting them.
Paris Hilton has agreed to two major appearances in the immediate wake of her release from Lynwood - on Larry King's CNN program tonight, and in the pages of People magazine this Friday. Doubtless, there was an intense bidding war for the right to feature Ms. Hilton at this time, when she is the hottest commodity in celebrity-land. King won the TV side, presumably because the networks feared losing credibility more than they savored the chance to score huge ratings in the midst of the summer doldrums. And People won despite what must have been many other attractive offers, one no doubt from US.
Yes, US was spurned by Paris - and in a rather Paris-like move, they've decided to shoot back by crossing their arms and pouting, and refusing to talk about Paris anymore (for at least one week). It's a shrewd move in a way - everyone else is in Paris overdrive, so by issuing a moratorium, they make themselves stand out from the tabloid pack. However, it is a move clearly motivated by pettiness and spite. Their insistence that they feel for their readers, and don't want to wear them out with Paris talk, is pure hypocrisy. Had Paris granted them the first interview instead of giving it to People, there would've been nothing but Paris all over every page of US - perhaps even a double-issue with a commemorative Paris Hilton centerfold. There would have been nothing but Paris hype all over US's website. They would've been fawning over the slut like she was Princess Di or Angelina Jolie or one of these other unaccountable media darlings. But, they lost the Paris lottery, and are behaving in a fashion that would seem to suit the level of their publication and its readers - they are pouting like little bitches who didn't get their way.
Reese Witherspoon is over Ryan Phillippe. Really. Over him. I don't think he's over her though. Just a feeling. - A Socialite's Life
Jennifer Aniston says Paul Sculfor is better in the sack than Brad Pitt. Yeah, but can Paul roll over and play dead on command? - The Dirty Disher
Justin Timberlake needs pills for his gas. Is that the stuff coming out his ass or his mouth? - Celebrity Dirty Laundry
Hayden Panettiere licks a statue's ass. Somebody get this girl a boyfriend, stat. - Agent Bedhead
Mandy Moore poses all pretty and stuff. Sorry, she's still fat. - Egotastic!
Hilary Duff poses in a bikini. Sorry, she's still ugly. - Hollywood Tuna
Coco shows Kim Kardashian what an ass looks like. - Hollywood Rag
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen go out together. They're even more indistinguishable drunk than they are sober. - Popsugar
Posted by Melvin Ayatollahofrock'nrolla at 3:35 PM
Paris Hilton, you'll be shocked to know, did not suffer as much deprivation in jail as we were lead to believe. In fact, according to a story in today's Page 6, Paris pretty much did nothing but stuff her face while locked up in Lynwood.
No, Paris was not having expensive pastries or anything like that smuggled in - she was procuring the food legitimately. Apparently, in Lynwood, it is possible to purchase snacks, as well as beauty products, from a commissary - a luxury Paris partook of to the tune of $145. Which, needless to say, is a lot more than your average Lynwood guest would be spending in a little less than three weeks.
So what exactly did Paris get for her $145? French vanilla coffee packs, chicken noodle soup, toffee peanut treats, banana nut muffins, packs of chicken broth and a jar of Vaseline. Not exactly Mandela wasting away in a dank cell, huh?
Oh, and of course Paris didn't have to haul all that shit back to the cell herself. She had deputies carrying the stuff for her. Said one pissed-off member of the Lynwood staff:
I don't understand what the big deal is; she's a nobody. ... She's got sheriffs bringing her food. This was unbelievable.
Yeah - and the next thing we're going to find out is that Lee Baca was in there giving her pedicures. Does anyone doubt now that they bent over backward for this bitch? They didn't even make her carry her own banana nut muffins. And this whore is running around like she suffered some terrible ordeal. Oh yeah - they only had generic chicken broth. Poor Paris - how did she stand it?
This is supposed to be Brad Pitt working on a commercial in Prague. Does it look like him though? Maybe it's the way the light is hitting him. Hmm - whoever it is, they do appear to be suffering from an extreme lack-of-package. Yeah, I guess it is Brad...
Lindsay takes a moment during a hike to smell a flower. No jokes about someone telling her it was a cocaine flower, okay? That's not cool...
Oh look - the water bottle is back. But it's really water this time, right? No more tricks. Nope. Not the New Lindsay. She's past sneaking vodka into water bottles. She's turned a corner.
She did think it was a cocaine flower, didn't she? Stupid twat.
Amy Winehouse really knows how to make an impression. On herself. With a shard of broken glass. In front of a Spin Magazine reporter. You can tell where this is going can't you?
The incident, which stands as further proof that Amy Winehouse is a mad fuck, took place during a post-photoshoot interview. Amy, perhaps feeling the conversation wasn't stimulating enough, jazzed things up by snatching a hunk of broken mirror left from the shoot and carving the words "I Love Blake" (that's her husband Blake Civil-Fielder) into her own abdomen. The interviewer, heroically, managed not to barf - either at the display of blood-letting, or the mere fact of having that much of Amy Winehouse's disgustingly emaciated body exposed to them.
Here's what Crabbie wants to know first - why in hell is anyone leaving shards of broken glass lying around when Amy Winehouse is there? Isn't that sort of like putting a bunch of crack out on a table in front of Whitney Houston?
And, shock of shocks, it turns out Amy's husband Blake is not exactly Mr. Restraint himself. During the same interview, which apparently took place in a bar, Mr. Civil-Fielder became annoyed with a bystander who remarked on his resemblance to the actor Ethan Embry. Civil-Fielder related his irritation to the poor interviewer by whispering in their ear:
Tell the guy who looks like he has leukemia I'm going to slit his throat.
Drunk, classless and obsessed with sharp objects. Yup, I'd say Amy and Blake are going to be providing us a lot of entertainment - until the suicide pact is carried out.
John Stamos appears on Australian television, under the influence of...something.
Well, he was in Australia. You know - when in Rome...
No, Sly Stallone has not had an attack of roid-rage - he's just off in a jungle someplace shooting Rambo IV. And yes, that's Rambo 4, not Rambo IV as in the thing you put in some old man's arm because he's dehydrated and suffering convulsions from the combination of horse hormones and over-exertion. Oh Sly - you'd think after all these years you'd have learned a second expression for "really intense." That one just looks like you're having trouble squeezing one out.
Peaches Geldof is only a big deal to Peaches Geldof. Maybe someone should take the girl aside and explain this - otherwise more unpleasantness is sure to occur, of the type that went down when she raided the trailer of a band performing at the Glastonbury Festival this weekend.
The band is called The Enemy - and they are not big fans of Peaches Geldof. Said the group's lead-singer of Peaches's insufferable antics:
She kept coming into our trailer all high and mighty nicking all our food. We were pissed off with her for that, but then she started taking the piss singing our song ‘Away From Here’ and that was that. ... I told her to fuck off, that she was a nobody and should stop acting like a slag all the time. She muttered something like don’t talk to me like that, but I didn’t give a shit and booted her out. ... If someone talks to me like a cunt, then I treat them like one. And that Peaches nobody is exactly that. ... She’s a rich posh kid who’s just the daughter of Bob Geldof. Most bands couldn’t give a fuck about her. Just what is the point of her being backstage? It’s really embarrassing. Just who is she exactly?
There's nothing like a profanity-laced Brit tirade, is there? Just imagine all of that in a thick accent with a bit of druggy slur - music to the ears.
And by the way, Peaches - that dude's got you pegged. You are nothing but a useless slag. You wouldn't think so highly of yourself if you had been taught decently by an engaged parent. But your daddy Bob doesn't give a fuck about you - so he let you run around doing anything you pleased. And the result? You are an insufferable little twat like him.
Paris Hilton turned her release from jail into a little mini-red carpet event. Certainly, arrangements could've been made to have her spirited out of there in secret - but that option was not taken.
Paris appears to be doing her make-up differently. Is this the "New Paris" we've been hearing about? That's probably what becoming a "better person "means to Paris - creating a new fake image to replace the old fake image. She has no clue whatsoever about what real self-improvement is. The best she can manage is a different wardrobe, different look, different hair.
Reminds us a bit of Naomi Campbell's little display as she left the garage in New York. Only Paris is more toned-down in her clothing. Her people told her to appear dignified but not arrogant. She's probably been practicing that in the pokey. Cause the New Paris isn't about entitlement - she's humble, and appreciates all she's been given.
"I ruv you Paris! I take a picture of you and use it when I pull my tiny Oriental peepee. Paris!"
"You're gonna pay me back every cent you little ungrateful cunt. Every...fucking...cent..."
Tom and Suri Cruise leave their hotel in Cap d'Antibes, France. Tom's best PR strategy at this point would be to just keep his dumb yap shut and be photographed holding Suri a lot. Unfortunately, some idea will start rattling around in Reverend Tom's cavernous skull and he'll think he has to tell everyone else about it. So he'll book another interview with Matt Lauer, and make a fool of himself, and his box-office will continue declining - and he'll never figure out that it's all because he's an idiot.
Vile murdering CNNHN host Nancy Grace has announced that she's pregnant with twins. Grace, in fact, is four months along - but kept the fact hidden from TV viewers by wearing baggy clothes. Said Grace:
I kept [the pregnancy] quiet because I wanted to make sure all would be healthy. I’ve worn loose-fitting clothes and I guess [audiences] just thought I was getting heavier!
Actually Nancy, we just thought you were getting more and more bloated from all the evil. But congratulations. Must've been some experience, being fucked by Satan. Did it burn a lot? I've heard his dick has spikes on it. But that wouldn't bother you, would it? Your vagina is lined with lead. Of course we all know that fiends like you don't get impregnated in the normal way. You drink the hot devil-jizz down like milk and it takes root in your stomach. Then when you're ready, Satan will come and rip the children right out of you, and take them back to his Satanic kingdom to sit by his side. And then you'll go back to badgering women until they commit suicide. Because you're sick and perverse and diabolical and you have no soul.
TMZ editor-in-chief Harvey Levin has been sticking up for Paris Hilton left-and-right - and guess what? Paris noticed. The shameless clods at TMZ have posted the above picture, which Paris allegedly drew in jail, accompanied by an appreciative note to Harvey:
I like how Paris wrote "pay phone" above the pay-phone, and the "Lynwood" sign in the upper-left - she understands about context. Also, I think it's interesting that she depicted herself with big Barbie-doll eyes - and nary a sign of wonk. This apparently is how Paris sees herself, as a bright-eyed dolly. She probably hums the My Little Pony music to herself while she brushes her hair. This is a disturbed individual, I'm telling you.
And as for Harvey Levin - well, I guess he's the new Perez Hilton, right? He's Paris's go-to guy when she needs some positive spin. From now on, TMZ will be pro-Paris. Shameless celebrity ass-kissing does work it appears.
The changed woman Paris Hilton is out of jail. She probably won't feel all the way back to her old self until she's gotten a faceful.
Paris Hilton has been released from jail. Wolf Blitzer has already begun masturbating.
Matthew McConaughey plays frisbee on the beach. Normally I would just concentrate on how hot and sweaty and athletic Matthew looks, but I just can't help wondering something else this time - what exactly is Matthew doing with that frisbee? Cause it sort of looks like he's trying to play volleyball with it. Now, maybe Crabbie is just out of it, but it doesn't seem to me like it would work to play volleyball with a frisbee. It seems like the kind of thing you would try to do while you were high, as a matter of fact.
You don't think Matthew could be high, do you? Our Matthew?
Fat Jack Black totes his fugly baby. Some people really shouldn't procreate. - A Socialite's Life
Nicole Kidman will appear in an ad campaign for Nintendo. I guess Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson and every other chick named Jessica weren't available. - I'm Not Obsessed
Brooke Hogan may have fake boobs. I'd pursue the matter but I can't stand looking at the bitch long enough to make a proper investigation. - Hollywood Tuna
Tim McGraw - wasted. - Dlisted
Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are getting paid $2 million for their wedding pictures. I'd pay Tony ten bucks to suck me off, and Eva 20 to stand in the corner with her face to the wall. - The Blemish
Paris Hilton's Mercedes has been repossessed. That's okay cause she's not a Mercedes kind of girl anymore. She's changed. - Cele|bitchy
Justin Timberlake spits on his fans. Stop treating your fans the way you treat your girlfriends, Justin. - Celebrity Dirty Laundry
Posted by Melvin Ayatollahofrock'nrolla at 2:48 PM
Barbara Walters is an old fart - so perhaps we should excuse her for not being able to remember so well. Senility and all of that. Stuff she did just a few weeks ago is probably already hazy - like, for example, the phone interview she conducted with Paris Hilton right after Paris entered the pokey. We of course all recall this - how Barbara was supposedly talking with Paris's mom Kathy (an old pal of Barbara's), and Kathy happened to mention that Paris was on the other line, and asked Barbara if she'd like to speak with the jail-bird. Convenient eh? That Barbara - always in the right place at the right time.
Barbara had no problem exploiting that little bit of serendipity (right) by speaking of the conversation on The View. And why should she? She's a journalist, and Paris is a story. If you get some inside dope you have to run with it. Walters has nothing to apologize for. No one would accuse her of seeming exploitative and cheap, would they?
Or maybe they would. Barbara certainly seems to think there is peril involved in continuing to cover this story. According to Page 6 she was offered the chance to interview Paris once she gets out of jail - and declined. Here's Barbara's explanation:
Tawdry. The whole thing somehow was beneath me. Besides, it was a no-win. If I did a tough piece and her tears started to flow, it would be, "Oh, there's Barbara Walters making people cry again." Too soft, and I'd be criticized.
Barbara Walters, in her days as a respected journalist, would have surely been above such a thing as interviewing Paris Hilton. However, we all know that those days are long behind her. She proved this by becoming involved in the whole Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump fiasco - and yes, by doing the jail-house interview with Paris. Remember that Barbara? You didn't think it was tawdry then. You didn't think it was beneath you to recount that phone conversation on The View. Oh - but that's right, you're old and half-senile. You probably have forgotten. In that case maybe it's time for you to pack it in. You've got a lawn-chair, a sun-hat and a pair of white slacks waiting for you. And an iced tea and a nice view of the beach. I think it's time for you to segue into that new part of your life, Barbara. You know, the waning years. Let yourself slip into that blissful haze, away from where people can laugh at you and call you a rank hypocrite. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in anymore petty affairs. And whatever you do, don't accept anymore phone calls from Kathy Hilton. She's a plastic-faced hag with a lump of stone for a heart and the morality of a scorpion. No kind of friend for a distinguished and lovely woman like yourself.
Poshy cuddles up to David Beckham. David appears a bit wistful here. Perhaps he's pining for one of his soccer teammates. Thinking about the time he dropped a bar of soap in the shower...
What could David be whispering in Poshy's ear here? I don't know. Maybe he's cleaning her ear-wax with his tongue.
I bet it sounds like two balloons rubbing together every time Poshy moves.
Jennifer Aniston goes to Nobu in Santa Monica. And this is the disguise she chose? The Emperor? Does she shoot lightning out of her fingers? We already know she shoots it from her snatch. Why do you think Brad dumped her? He was sick of getting shocked. His little peepee was turning black and smelled a bit like a hot dog that was left on the grill too long.
Angelina drags the kiddies off to school in Prague. Everyone keeps talking about the state of Angie's arms. Let's focus in shall we?
I think it would be very handy having a map of the London Underground on your arm. You'd never need to wonder how to get from Whitechapel to Hammersmith.
And the tattoo? "Insert needle" in Arabic?
Tom Cruise has a new movie coming out called Lions for Lambs. Apparently it's about the war on terror, and features Tom playing a Senator. Entertainment Tonight has a sneak-peak.
Wow - Robert Redford is really old. He looks almost as worn-out as Brad Pitt.
Something called Ashley Scott visited Paris in jail this weekend. Here we see Ms. Scott (another dumb starlet who wants to be Angelina apparently) speaking to reporters. Does this broad even know Paris or did she just show up hoping for some free pub? Apparently she and Paris are friends. Scott said it was "hard" seeing Paris because you "can't touch or hug." Duh Ashley - it's jail. Plus why would you want to hug Paris anyway? Don't you have any regard for your health? Ashley also said that Paris is looking forward to eating, and that she "looks gorgeous." The publicity people have apparently given all of Paris's acquaintances the same script to read from, cause Paris always looks gorgeous, and is always looking forward to eating. We know the truth though - Paris looks like shit, and the thing she's looking forward to most is burying her face in some skanky dyke's crotch. Probably Ashley Scott's, as a matter of fact.
Britney Spears has gone brunette. I want to know if she had the old nappy blonde extensions replaced or just dyed them. Or perhaps she shaved her head again and what looks like hair is actually her follicles shitting. You know, voiding themselves out of fear?
Britney looks happy here. She's waving to the paps. Sean Preston is all blissed on whatever mommy gave him from her purse. Mommy has lots of little magic things in her purse doesn't she SP?
Oh, things have taken a turn for the worse. Britney is now in an umbrella-brandishing mood. Sean Preston is totally passed-out in the backseat. Your mommy is Sybil, Sean Preston. If I prayed I'd shoot one up to the big man on your behalf. Unfortunately, the fact that your mother is famous sort of proves that there is no big man - just a bunch of sadistic cigarette-smoking monkeys with typewriters.
Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have apparently broken up. Were they even going out? I remember hearing some rumors but they kept denying it. Well, whatever sort of relationship they had, it's kaput now. Both are single again. Said a source:
They just recently broke up. It's totally and completely over.
Totally and completely over. Sort of like Ryan Phillippe's movie career. Whatever happened to Ryan anyway? He blew it big-time when he screwed around on Reese. Gravy-training her butt was about the only chance he ever had.
So what went wrong between Reese and Jake anyway? Was he just too much man for her? Was she too much man for him? A source says it was all about Reese being too busy:
Reese was the one who had to do it. She just got out of a divorce and was so concerned with her family, she just didn't have the time for him and he really demanded that.
Translation: Jakey started getting clingy, and Reese who just got divorced didn't want to get saddled with another serious thing. I guess that's understandable. Reese wants to play around a little before committing to someone new. You know, release her inner-slut. Do an Aniston. Juggle about ten boyfriends.
Speaking of Aniston...should she not now pounce on Jake? I would if I were her. Hell, I would if I were me. And I am. Kind of.