Paula Abdul Can't Keep Her Stuff Together

Some one got hold of a private phone conversation Paula Abdul had, where she discusses among other things her ex-publicist whose behavior apparently made her feel poopy, and the fact that she has something wrong with her adrenal glands and her neck. There's also some crap in there about her being too old to be on the cover of a magazine - I don't know, it's halfway incomprehensible. Anyway Perez has done us all the marvelous favor of posting the thing, so here it is.

Mischa's Parents Hate Cisco Adler

Mischa Barton's parents don't want their daughter having anything to do with ex-boyfriend Cisco Adler. To their dismay, however, Mischa doesn't seem to be entirely over him. This sad fact came to light this weekend during Mischa's hospital stay over a bad reaction to some shrooms liquor and antibiotics. Mischa's parents, Paul Marsden Barton and Nuala Quinn, rushed to be by her side - only to catch her talking to Cisco on the phone.

And how do they know it was Cisco? A source explains:

[Mischa's parents] were angry about her condition. When they left the room, she ran to the phone and tried to call Cisco Adler. ... Her dad came back into the room, and heard Mischa deliriously saying, "Cisco." ... Her dad freaked out. She put the phone down, but he yelled at the staff about letting her use the phone.

I can just see Mischa now. She's lying in bed, on the verge of death. She sees a white light. A voice tells her, "Come to the light Mischa." Then Cisco appears, naked, his balls hanging almost to the floor. "Run from the light Mischa," the balls beseech. "You're too young to die from shrooms...er...booze and antibiotics. Come stroke me Mischa. Lick me. Rub me between your tits."

Well, who could blame Mischa for refusing the pearly gates? Obviously, she wanted to call Cisco as soon as possible and thank his balls for saving her. In fact, I think we should all thank Cisco's balls. Indeed, they are a fine set of balls.

(source)

Prince Tells Jackson To Take A Hike

The ever-delusional Michael Jackson is still planning a comeback (as he has been doing non-stop for the last fifteen years). As part of this endeavor, Michael had hoped that fellow musical icon Prince would join him on-stage. Prince, however, has declined Michael's invitation - and the freakish one is said to be very upset. Said a source to British newspaper The Sun:

Michael seemed pretty gutted about it. He said he's approached Prince to see if he would like to work together. But Prince wasn't interested in gigging with him. ... There would be so much hype surrounding (his) first gig, it would end up turning into the Michael Jackson show. ... Prince had his own plans. He is a legend in his own right. He doesn't need to be supported by anyone.

But it's more than just Prince not needing to be supported - it's that Prince doesn't want anything to do with the trainwreck that is Michael Jackson. Prince didn't get to be where he is right now by being a dummy. He knows full-well that anything Michael does at this point is almost certain to be a calamity, and he's got more than enough sense to stay far, far away from that. And as for Michael being upset - well, I'd say hand him a tissue, but what would he need it for when he doesn't have a nose?

Face it Michael, you child-molesting quasi-human - you're over. You've been over for a long time. This is what happens to people who lose touch with reality - they cease being able to gauge what audiences want, and their careers go down in flames because of it. The world moved on Michael, but you just got weirder and more immersed in your creepy fantasies. Now it's time for you to retire to some kind of Howard Hughes-like seclusion, so we won't have to witness the spectacle of you systematically freakifying your children. Take them into your dopey Peter Pan lair with you and lock the door Michael. We'll look forward to the day, ten years hence, when CNN runs the newsflash about how you were murdered in your sleep, and Blanket has been taken into custody. It's Blanket's destiny, I think, to rid us of you once and for all.

(source)

Poshy Doesn't Like Me. Feeling's Mutual, Vick.

Victoria Beckham is not renowned for her intelligence. But, occasionally, even a rank idiot says something insightful and on-target, as Victoria did when she uttered the following about the ever-growing fraternity of celebrity bloggers:

I think these people are pretty spineless, the way they hide behind pseudo-names. They don't really know what's going on in anybody's lives. They're just sad people that sit behind their computers.

Perhaps I should be upset by those remarks, but I'm not. The fact is that Poshy is right - we are spineless people hiding behind pseudo-names (she meant "pseudonyms" obviously, but we get the drift). We don't really know what's going on in anyone's lives. And, by and large, we are sad people (who do most assuredly sit behind computers).

However, I do have this to ask in response to you Posh: Do you honestly think you're going to make us go away by calling us sad wretches and pointing out our cowardliness? If you really want us to go away, Posh, maybe you should stop giving us material. Maybe you should cease staging scenes, like the one in L.A. last week where you pretended to have been pulled over. Perhaps, if you don't want your life to become a matter of public discussion, you should desist in your habit of tipping off the paparazzi when you're going to be somewhere. Sorry Posh, but though you're correct on the surface, you have nonetheless demonstrated what a shallow, imbecilic, transparent twit you are.

You, Posh, are famous for one thing - being famous. Without the paps, the tabs, and yes the bloggers, no one would even know who the hell you were. And how then would you satisfy your insatiable need to be fawned over, photographed, and otherwise made a big deal of? My suggestion, Vicky, would be not to bite the hand that feeds you. For though we may make fun of you and call you hurtful things (vapid, ferret-faced cunt), at least we are paying attention to you - and that's really all you should ultimately care about. Because the second we stop paying attention to you, then you become what you actually are - another fake-titted slag jumping up and down in the stands while her husband engages in endeavors which accord real glory and accomplishment.

Yes Posh, we are on to you - we know you are nothing but a frivolous publicity-hound. It doesn't matter that we don't "really know what's going on" in your life. We know about your public life - your dumb outfits which always put your erect nipples on display, your publicity stunts, your stupid expressions which you think make you look cool, but only make you seem even more ridiculously mindless. What about you, Posh, is supposed to make you so superior to us anyway? Your looks? Don't make me laugh. Your money? Your fame? None of these impress us Posh - we know your looks are fake, your money unearned, your fame perpetuated through cynical and crudely manipulative means. But you entertain us Posh - you amuse us precisely because you are so worthless and phony. And that's why we write about you - because your existence is a treasure-trove of comic material. You're a joke Posh, but sadly you don't see it. Maybe if you did you'd realize that you're not so much better than all us sad, spineless people with our "pseudo-names" and our computers. It's all one racket Poshy, and we're all just trying to get a share.

(source)

Lohan Fall-Out

Lindsay Lohan is a menace to public safety, and apparently her antics aren't doing much to help the establishments she frequents on a nightly basis either.

One such posh club, Les Deux, may be in fact be in trouble with the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control, who have contacted the Beverly Hills Police department about reviewing evidence pertaining to the Lohan matter, and specifically whether Les Deux knowingly served the under-aged Lindsay alcohol.

I wonder if Les Deux will try the Lindsay defense - swearing it was just bottled water. It only magically turned into alcohol after entering Lindsay's system. That's one even Dina Lohan could appreciate.

(source)

Perez Threatens To Spit On Avril Lavigne

Someone needs to explain to me why Perez has such a bur up his ass about Avril Lavigne. Did she refuse to have her picture taken with him once or something? Whatever the genesis of the ill-feeling, Perez seems intent on milking it for all it's worth (something I can certainly appreciate - I've gotten tons of mileage out of my own disdain for him).

The latest volley in this rather unaccountable feud has come courtesy the Gossip Ganstar himself, who on his blog today announced that both he and Avril will be present at the MuchMusic Video Awards June 17th, and that if she comes near him he will expectorate into her face. Of course Perez is all talk - he no more has the nerve to fire a loogie into Avril's mush than he does to really make fun of Paris. Still, it would be funny if something happened. Like, for instance, if Avril showed up packing heat, and rather than merely splash Perez with a little saliva, she blew his head off. I think I'd probably die laughing.

(source)

By the way, is Perez planning on replacing the header he had to remove because it featured a stolen image soon? His site looks stupid without one.

So What's Paris Been Up To?

Here's Paris Hilton painting a ceramic bear. Sickening isn't it, the kind of stuff rich useless people do with their free time?

Of course, underneath the calm exterior, Paris Hilton is all turmoil and anxiety. According to People magazine, Paris is spending the days until her jail term trying to act normal (i.e. frivolous and stupid) in public, but behind closed doors the mentally challenged heiress is said to cry a lot, and is reportedly distressed that so many of her "friends" have abandoned her. Poor Paris, she has learned the bitterest lesson fame can teach - that all those people who supposedly like you are only pretending. Sort of like Paris only pretends to like Nicole. Except that Paris's ex-friends are obviously better actors, or maybe Paris is just that gullible. At any rate, Paris will soon be in the special needs area of the detention center, going slowly insane from the tedium of not being able to shop, or paint ceramic bears, or snort blow or be fucked by a junkie underwear model with a strap-on. I almost feel sorry for her.

(source)

Nicole Richie - Hollywood Beauty

Seeing starving Ethiopians has made Angelina Jolie averse to food (at least according to her brother James Haven). Apparently, Nicole Richie has been spending a lot of time in Ethiopia as well, and is similarly guilt-ridden. Either that or bitch is just trying to slowly kill herself.

Britney A Puking Mess

Britney Spears has gotten her life in order and is serious about making a comeback. This, at any rate, is what we're all supposed to think. Skepticism ensues, however, when we read stories like the new one in Britain's Sun newspaper, which details Britney's unfortunate experience at L.A.'s Sky Club in the Mondrian Hotel over the weekend.

Britney, reports the Sun, arrived at the Sky Club in the company of five hangers-on. One assumes they immediately began drinking heavily - this is at any rate a fair thing to infer, given that, an hour after the pop-star arrived, hotel security found her in the men's bathroom, slumped over the toilet with her make-up smeared and her wig half hanging off. A source describes the scene thusly:

She looked a real mess and was sitting on the floor with her head over the bowl throwing up. ... There was vomit down the front of her black dress and around her mouth. ... Britney was on her knees and must have been sick four or five times. She didn’t really seem with it, but I don’t know if she was drunk or not.

The source may be reticent to say one way or the other whether Britney had been imbibing, but rest assured, reverse peristalsis does not normally occur without a good reason. Especially not four or five times. Britney, however, was not without a measure of grace in the midst of her misfortune. As she was dragged "sobbing and covered in sick" from the Sky Club, she reportedly uttered to the staff, "I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Things aren’t going well for me at the moment."

At the moment, no Britney, they don't appear to be. But thankfully you've got publicity people to continue throwing together things like the utterly absurd statement that was posted on your website, which reads in part:

Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock-bottom. Till this day I don’t think that it was alcohol or depression.

Was rehab rock-bottom Britney? Was the men's bathroom at the Sky Club? Sadly, I don't think you can even see rock bottom yet, from where you are. You've got a lot of sinking still to do before you reach that fabled place. And no, of course you don't think it was alcohol or depression Britney - you think it was the paparazzi and your parents and your vile ex-husband. In other words, everyone and everything except you and your precious booze.

(source)

James Haven Explains Angelina's Weight Loss

James Haven likes to talk about his sister Angelina Jolie - a lot. In fact, I think she's the only thing he ever does talk about. Or think about. Actually, I don't think James really has any existence outside of his sister, which is kind of sad. She isn't really all that interesting. But, to him she is - so interesting that, every chance he gets, he yammers to one magazine or another about what a magnificent creature she is, and gives some wacky explanation for why she does stuff. Lately, James has been talking a lot about Angelina's health - specifically, the fact that she looks almost as frail and skinny as Nicole Richie. He seems obsessed with the subject. Mostly, he keeps insisting that Angie's weight-loss is related to the death of their mother Marcheline Bertrand, who was apparently the most stupendous being who ever existed, next to Angie. But, James has other explanations for Angie's frailness too. In fact he's concocted quite a doozy, which he gave to the British magazine Closer in an interview. According to James, Angie's weight-loss is actually partly related to her charity work in third-world countries. You see, Angie's eating habits are not the same as they used to be, and James knows why. Says James:

Angie visited Ethiopia and it changed her life. It's hard for her to go home to a very expensive restaurant and order freely.

Picture it: Angelina sitting in The Ivy or some other swanky restaurant. She wants to order that crowned rack of lamb, but then she remembers some poor little waif she saw, his belly all distended from the gases and flies buzzing around his face, and she just can't bring herself to do it. So she tells the waiter to bring her a sprig of parsley and a saltine instead. Oh, Angelina - you are such a sensitive being. Even your gastronomic tendencies are dictated by your deep and abiding love for all the poor, downtrodden (non-white) people of the world. I bet you can't even take a proper shit, can you, because every time you sit on that clean white toilet you think of some wretched orphan taking a dump in a muddy hole full of nasty bacteria and your sphincter just cinches shut like a Glad bag. My goodness, Angelina - what callous, unfeeling creatures the rest of us must be, filling our faces while the poor orphans are starving. We ought to be ashamed of ourselves, going on with our privileged, blob-like lives while so many suffer. But, thankfully, we have you to show us the light, Angelina. You endure your sympathy-anorexia so the rest of us might see. Now we appreciate how truly horrible and thoughtless we are for not living the way you do. Not devoting our lives to accumulating a family of color-coordinated adopted children. And jetting around the world to have our pictures taken in various examples of local garb while our bodyguards busy themselves roughing up anyone who gets too close. And making movies like Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Tomb Raider, which contribute so much to the betterment of human-kind. You, Angelina, truly are an exalted being. In fact, I think it's possible that you may be Jesus - with tits.

(source)

Matthew's Solution To Global Warming

Lots of stars preach about global warming - but few demonstrate the same concern when it comes to their own modes of transportation. Leonardo DiCaprio? Oh yeah, he cares so much about the earth - just not enough to give up flying all over creation on carbon-dioxide-spewing private jets. And Brad Pitt? Yeah, he's preaching it too. Then when he's done preaching he climbs on his carbon-emitting motorcycle and joy-rides around. There are some stars, though, who are willing to put their sweet rides aside in the name of the earth's fragile climate. Matthew McConaughey for example. He's come up with a novel approach to avoiding pollution - highway surfing. Just grab a skateboard, strap your surfboard to your back and let a friend on a bike pull you through traffic. And helmets? Who the hell needs helmets? God gave you a skull, didn't He? What more protection does your spoiled little brain need?

Matthew McConaughey - he's hot and he cares.

Mary-Kate Olsen, Stylish Whore

Mary-Kate Olsen smells like...

A. The backseat of a taxi.
B. The old couch Crabbie finally had to drag out back and burn.
C. A room baseball players hang out in.
D. Lindsay Lohan's hamper.
E. Something so unspeakably vile that Satan himself could not inhale it without immediately lapsing into a coma.

Ashley Judd's Hubby Wins Indianapolis 500

Ashley Judd can barely contain her excitement after her husband, hot Italian race-car driver Dario Franchitti, wins the Indianapolis 500. Dario, on the other hand, seems slightly bemused. All right, he's more than slightly bemused - he's wondering why his crazy wife is running around taking all the attention away from him on his big day. Jesus Ashley, it's not like you just got nominated for an Oscar (which of course will never actually happen).



"My husband is so marvelous. He can drive a race-car and balance a huge trophy on his head. Now if he'd just learn cunningulus..."



"Hee-hee, huh-huh, hmm-hmm, ho-ho, hee-hee, hnn-hnn...Renfield."



"Dear God, please let my husband win the car race, so that I may achieve a sense of vicarious triumph, and thereby slightly make up for the fact that my acting career is a joke. And please let my fat sister's ex-husband learn that it's not right to touch little boys' peepees. And please, please let my mother and sister burn in hell forever for making me sweep out the tour-bus for fifty cents a day. And please, God, if you would, please see your way clear to putting a few more acupuncturists out in the African bush, so that the next time I am on a U.N. mission and I need an acupuncturist, I won't have to settle for some skinny black dude jabbing me with little slivers of elephant tusk. Oh, and God, thank you for having the black dude jab me with his other thing later - that was really nice of you. Hugs."

Hulk Pensive

Yes, I know Eric Bana's not the Hulk anymore (Ed Norton is - yeesh). But it's just so hard to resist the Hulk jokes. Those will follow Eric around forever - just as I would if I ever got off my meds.

Dork Nails Hollywood Hottie

This is Emmy Rossum and her boyfriend together in Malibu. I have no idea who this guy is, but he just reeks of "aspiring screenwriter who works at Kinko's, and buys his clothes at trendy mall stores." I bet he writes her poetry. Or he must have a 15 incher. There's got to be some explanation for why Emmy would fuck a guy who looks like Marilyn Manson's uglier, less-cool little brother.



Emmy, you are a beautiful movie actress. Why does your boyfriend look like a gawky adolescent trying for his first kiss at the junior-high dance? I bet his breath smells like Doritos. Got to be 15 inches at least. Nobody's that good a poet.

Debra Messings Up Her Hand

What does Debra Messing have to do to make it into the blogs? Slam her hand in a door.

Sweet Dreams, Linds

Lohan Going Back To Rehab

In Touch Weekly is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has checked herself into the Promises rehab facility, and was due to report there this afternoon. This comes after a crazy weekend of action for Lindsay, which included a car crash, a DUI arrest, news that she had cocaine in her vehicle and some pictures taken a day later showing her vomiting, and passed out in Samantha Ronson's car.

It's probably a good idea for Lindsay to go into rehab right now - you know, lay low for awhile in a place where the paps can't get at her. She'll have a good month in there to figure out exactly what lies she's going to tell everyone.

(source)

Britney Achieves White Trash Perfection

This is the look Britney has been striving for all along. She is now perfect.
(Think of all the thousands she spends just to look like someone who works at Target.)

Lindsay's Tough Night, Captured On Video

Yo put the camera down bro. Come on dog, that ain't cool.

Michael Lohan Releases A Statement

Michael Lohan cares deeply about his troubled child Lindsay - you can tell because he keeps giving TV interviews and releasing statements to the media. Because what Lindsay needs more than anything else right now is for every single tiny aspect of her existence to be placed before the public. Jeez Michael, a little self-serving are we? Whatever - here's the statement this bible-thumping charlatan (yes I realize that's a redundancy) sent to X17:

Lindsay needs to find God, get better, clean house and start all over again with the people who were there for her at the beginning: her family. Too many people are around Lindsay for the wrong reasons. They want to see what they can get from her instead of caring about Lindsay herself. I’m her father. I don’t want anything from her but her love and to be her father first. I’m here for Lindsay as a father and a father only.

And it’s about time that her mother Dina stop building up the walls of division between myself and my children—especially Lindsay. And if Dina really cares about out children--especially Lindsay-- then she should do the right thing so we can both be there as parents. Because what Lindsay needs are both parents. I wish Dina would put things aside and act the way God wants us to: right the wrongs and not compound the wrongs.

I hope Lindsay finally gets the help that she needs. I want her to know that her Daddy is here for her.

Actually, Michael, what Lindsay needed was to not have people like you and that hideous gargoyle of a mother Dina raising her. But I guess that ship has sailed, hasn't it? The damage is done. Lindsay is now an out-of-control head-case, who can only end up one of two places - jail or the morgue. And it's all because of you and Dina teaching her to make excuses and blame other people instead of facing up to her own issues. Yes, Dina teaches her to lie and prevaricate and make bizarre self-contradictory statements, and bullshit her way through everything instead of taking responsibility. And now you want her to "find God?" Right Michael - because people who pretend to believe in God are above reproach. You yourself probably think you should be forgiven for every transgression of your life because you've devoted yourself to Jesus. And who could ever criticize someone who has found the righteous path? People like you make me sick - the way you try to hide your shamelessness and greed and self-interest behind your pretend convictions. It's nothing but another racket you've discovered. And now you want Lindsay to become a hypocrite too. Wear a crucifix and they'll know you're a good person no matter what you do, right Michael? Then it doesn't matter if you behave in a socially irresponsible manner - you've got Jesus on your side. God, why can't all you self-righteous phonies end up in a heap on the floor of your office like that pasty criminal fiend Falwell? The world would be better off without you, and so frankly would your daughter.

(source)

Pixie Geldof Suspended From School

Naughty little Pixie Geldof has gone and gotten herself suspended from school for drinking and smoking. The 16-year-old daughter of professional deep-carerer-about-things Bob was allegedly caught downing Bacardi Breezers and beer and smelling of smoke - what no coke? This chick's got a long way to go before she can top Lindsay. Still, her offenses were enough to get her suspended from the exclusive educational institution, Alleyn's School, where she is currently enrolled. Her father Bob is said to be angry too - apparently it's a big deal to get into this Alleyn's School joint, and Bob is mad at Pixie for screwing with her education, and for diminishing her little half-sister Tiger Lily's chances of getting into the same place. Oh yeah, Bob - you are so rock and roll man. Sweating your daughter getting suspended from some snotty school. Aren't you supposed to be encouraging her to drink and smoke and behave irresponsibly? You're nothing but an establishment wanker, Geldof. Why don't you go home and plant some geraniums and listen to your Tubular Bells CD you lame fuck.

(source)

Mischa Barton Rushed To Hospital

Keds pitchwoman Mischa Barton fell ill at a Memorial Day weekend BBQ and was rushed to a hospital, reports TMZ. Initial indications are that Mischa was drinking alcohol while taking antibiotics for bronchitis - what, you thought she ate too many ribs and got a tummy ache? Word from the hospital is that Mischa is resting comfortably, and is waiting for someone to sneak her in a joint.

So Mischa was taking these "antibiotics" and was drinking and suddenly got sick. Uh-huh. And it's just a coincidence that this happened the same weekend Lindsay got nailed for DUI? Never in a million years would Mischa contrive an illness on purpose just for attention. She's above that sort of thing. Completely.

(source)

Angie And Her Kids Tease Fish

Angelina took Maddox and Pax to play with some killer whales at Marineland in Paris. By the above picture, it appears Maddox is a complete pussy who won't go next to the water. "You feed the thing bitch," Maddox said to Angie when she prevailed upon him to take his turn. Pax, apparently, is not quite as big a pansy as his faux-brother though:



"There you go killer whale. Partake of this fish even as I partake of the sweet flesh of sorrow. Oh to be back among my own kind in the opium den where the smoke made happy visions dance in my troubled mind. Will the gods never tire of vexing me, tell me oh oracle of the deep?"



"What do you think of his color Pax? Is he brown enough for you?"

More On Lindsay

X17 has an account of the events leading up to Lindsay Lohan's car crash and DUI arrest yesterday morning (which I will re-write on behalf of everyone with more than a fifth-grade education). Sources say Lindsay was partying at a house belonging to some fellow named Nick Hawk when a fight broke out, presumably involving Lohan. The actress was subsequently seen vacating the premises in a bad mood, leaving her bodyguard Jez to deal with the aftermath of the unpleasantness while she waited in the car. Skip ahead to 5 am. We find ourselves at Lohan's personal residence in Beverly Hills. Lohan's alleged lesbian lover DJ Samantha Ronson is seen storming away from the place. She walks up Doheny to Sunset with Lindsay in pursuit. Lindsay catches Samantha on the median of Sunset and begins arguing with her. Lindsay shouts "You fucking lesbian bitch" at one point, according to X17's photographers. This all winds up with Lindsay, Samantha and a male friend climbing into Lindsay's 2005 Mercedes convertible and speeding off down Sunset. Apparently while trying to navigate a turn onto Foothill Road, an inebriated, upset Lindsay drives up on the curb and into some hedges, badly damaging the car. Lindsay suffers a minor injury to her upper chest, while Samantha and the male friend are uninjured. A phone call is placed to faithful bodyguard Jaz who shows up in his Mercedes G-Wagon. Jaz drives the wrecked Mercedes convertible home while one of Lindsay's companions takes the G-Wagon and drives Lindsay and the other passengers back to Lindsay's place and then to the hospital.

Lohan has since been cited for misdemeanor DUI, and in a press conference yesterday afternoon it was revealed by Beverly Hills police that a usable amount of a substance believed to be cocaine was discovered on the scene. It was not revealed if "on the scene" means "in Lindsay's car," but since the investigation involved a wrecked vehicle, I'm assuming the police would not have had a warrant to search anywhere else on Lindsay's property. Therefore, we're assuming the coke was found somewhere in the car. Here's the thing though - the car was at Lindsay's place after Jaz drove it there, and so far we don't know how long it took for the police to arrive at Lindsay's place to do their investigation. I'm assuming there would've been time for Jaz to thoroughly look the car over and make sure there was nothing incriminating in it. In which case it appears Jaz was negligent in his duties as faithful bodyguard. Unless, of course, the coke was not in the car when Jaz searched it. Which would mean that someone put the coke in there between the time Jaz brought it home and the time the police came to get it. I bring this up not because I think someone is trying to frame Lindsay Lohan, but because I know this is exactly what Lindsay and her heinous mother Dina are thinking about right now. I will bet you all I have in the world - which ain't much, I grant you - that these shameless fuckers come out saying Lindsay was framed. And even if they can't prove it, they will still maintain it. In fifteen years when this subject comes up in some Whatever Happened to Lindsay Lohan special, a prematurely elderly Lohan will still be looking into the camera saying, "I was set up. They were out to get me. They were all out to get me." After which she will began hacking uncontrollably, and scratching at the suppurating sores on her arms.

(source)

Jude Dumps Hersov; Jessica Simpson In His Sights?

Jude Law has dumped his girlfriend of three months Kim Hersov, freeing him up to fuck his way around planet earth.

Shag-happy Jude made the Cannes Film Festival his first stop as a single man. He reportedly flirted with My Blueberry Nights co-star Norah Jones on the red-carpet, but Ms. Jones was said to be less than responsive. Then Jude allegedly "made a beeline for" Jessica Simpson at a party for the movie The Hands of Gods. Simpson was said to be smitten with Jude, who was originally reported to have snottily uttered, "What's she doing here," upon spying Simpson (so much for that). Later, Jude went to a Playboy party full of mostly-naked women, where he reportedly "enjoyed himself."

At the rate he's going, I expect Jude to have made his way through the entire Simpson family, including Papa Joe, within the next month, after which he will move on to Britney Spears, then Jamie Lynn, then Alli just for the hell of it. Then he'll slobber his way over to Hayden Panettiere, and having used her up and tossed her out, will stagger drooling toward Dakota Fanning before being shot with a dart loaded with elephant tranquilizer.

(source)

Update: Lindsay Lohan In Car Accident, Cited For DUI, Cocaine Found

X17 is reporting that Lindsay Lohan was involved in an accident early this morning, which resulted in her and a passenger receiving minor injuries, and Lindsay herself being cited for DUI.

The incident reportedly occurred in the early morning hours in Beverly Hills, at the corner of Sunset Blvd. and Foothill Dr. Lohan allegedly lost control of her vehicle, a Mercedes SL 65 AMG black convertible, crashing it. She and her unidentified passengers left the scene, climbing into a second vehicle and driving away. A witness at the scene who recognized Lindsay called the Sheriff's Office, who arrived to tow Lindsay's car away. Lindsay and her passengers were reportedly taken to the hospital, where Lindsay was treated for a minor injury to the upper chest area. Police tracked Lohan to the hospital where she placed under arrest. She was cited at the police station and released, and has been ordered to appear in court at a future date to answer the DUI citation. A photographer for X17 reports that Lindsay looked "completely wasted" around 5 am when she left a Hollywood Hills party, climbed in her Mercedes with her friend and drove off.

There has been no official word from Lohan's camp yet, but Crabbie has gone into the future and obtained the following statement from her asinine mother Dina:

Lindsay is a young woman. We all make mistakes. I'm proud of her. She will get through this and be stronger. People want to judge her but we all do dumb things when we're young. If you live in a glass house you shouldn't throw stones. Lindsay has her life together and she's in a good place. Hollywood is a rough place sometimes. No one else knows what it's like to have everyone watching you like that. Lindsay is a very strong person and after this she will be even stronger. By the way, I'm going to be on Entertainment Tonight tomorrow interviewing Lindsay about her new movie. Check it out.

Guess Lindsay's dad Michael knew what he was talking about the other day when he said Lindsay should be back in rehab.

(source 1, source 2)

Update: Lieutenant Mitch McCann of the Beverly Hills Police Department says a usable amount of cocaine was found at the scene. So, presumably, Lindsay was driving around in a car, drunk, with cocaine on her, crashed, then fled the scene, leaving the coke in the car for the cops to find. Oh goodness - this bitch is not only fucked-up, she is rock stupid.

(source)

(thanks to poster dvz for the tip)

Beyonce And Jay-Z Chillin' By The Pool

"Yeah baby we're at the pool. Naw she's sleepin'. Listen, I'll ditch the ho and then I'll be right over. Yeah, I'll bring the wooden fist too. And my red light-bulb and Lionel Richie CD. Yeah I can't wait. Okay, I'll see you Dwayne..."



"Fabulicious. No that sounds stupid. I know, Fubnificent. No. Damn, I'm bad at this. Okay, I got it - Fabuliciousificent. Dang, that's great. I gotta get that embroidered on a pillow..."



"What you talkin' 'bout Willis."



"What's that little fucker Crabbie saying about me now..."

Angelina Gets Creepier

What sort of bizarre impression is Angelina Jolie leaving on the people of Prague? The actress, as you know, is in the historic Czech city filming a Hollywood thriller called Wanted. It has in many ways been an eventful visit for Jolie, who at one point early on called the city the most horrible on earth, declaring it "even worse than Africa." This because the paparazzi there had taken some pictures of her adopted children, causing her to have a fit and lock herself in a bathroom. This is not the image she normally projects - typically we think of Angelina as a serene presence, almost saintly, the way she ministers to the sick and displaced people of the world, and occasionally picks one out to take home with her. But we mustn't forget that Angelina was a Hollywood star before she was the savior of the earth, and that an actress of her talent is more than capable of projecting serenity if it's called for. Indeed, at times Angelina seems little more than a performer who has decided to make all the world literally her stage, and all the world's orphans her fellow protagonists in an on-going drama, Angelina Saves the World.

Is she deluded or merely a brilliant self-promoter - what Paris Hilton would be if she had any honest ambition or brains? The people of Prague might be forgiven if they chose the former. At the very least the Praguians must suspect Angelina of having peculiar habits. I bring this up because of an article in the Daily Mail detailing one particular habit of Angelina's that has got people over there talking. The actress, it seems, has herself driven around in a big black SUV, which tends to careen at rather high speeds along the streets (important people can't be bothered to worry about public safety). Every morning Angelina rides with her adopted Cambodian son Maddox to the English-language school she has enrolled him in, so his education won't lapse during their stay in the city. Along the route from the hotel to the school, the SUV is seen to frequently stop, the window roll down and an arm poke out (which the Daily Mail compares to the spindly upper extremities of E.T.). A finger points - inevitably at some individual innocently going about their business on the sidewalk. Witnesses to this daily ritual say the pointee is invariably a person of black or Asian descent - a "person of color" to use that rather sickly, demeaning appellation. The arm quickly retracts, it is said, and the window winds up, and the SUV continues on its urgent, oblivious way.

So why, exactly, is Angelina Jolie going around Prague pointing at black and Asian people? According to the inevitable "sources close to the star," Angelina is in fact thinking of adopting again (shock of shocks), and the pointing business is actually part of her process. It's a little like choosing a shade of paint for one's living room - first you look at samples, and discuss the selection of hues with whoever else is involved in the decision. In this case the pedestrians of Prague are the paint-samples, and Maddox is the concerned party whose council Angelina is asking. Put in simple terms - Angelina Jolie is driving around Prague pointing "people of color" out to Maddox and asking him what he thinks of the shade. This because Angelina has become consumed with the notion that her "ethnic" children must have counterparts in the family who resemble them. And not only in general racial terms - no, it's not enough for Angelina to match Maddox up with another Asian (Pax), and African daughter Zahara with another yet-to-be-selected African. Angelina must get the skin tones right - she must pick a color that exactly matches.

It is creepy enough on the surface, but then you get to really think about it, and it develops layers of creepiness that make Angelina kissing her brother on television seem as innocent as apple pie and freckly-faced toddlers. What, one asks oneself, is Angelina actually saying to Maddox as she points out these "ethnic" people on the street? "What do you think of that one? Is that too dark? Do you think Zahara would like a sister who was that shade? Will that one go with the drapes do you think?" And what of little Maddox, being taught that people are basically pigment-samples - that the folks he spies out his SUV window are not individual human beings at all but examples of various hues whose underlying existence is utterly irrelevant. "Look mommy, there goes an orange one." Is Maddox doomed to spend the rest of his life viewing the human race the same way a home-improvement enthusiast views a card displaying different shades of brown? And what does all this say about Angelina's view of humanity, exactly? When she travels to all these countries full of "ethnic" people, does she view them as people at all, or merely as a collection of different-colored faces whose "ethnicity" makes them prime candidates for rescue? Would Angelina, in fact, adopt a white baby at all?

Perhaps we could give Angelina some kind of exam. Question: Is a white baby who's poor and suffering the same as a black or yellow baby who's poor and suffering? Question: Is a child worthy of sympathy because of the circumstances they're born into, or because of their race? Question: Does white automatically equal privileged? Question: Are all white babies blobs? Question: What will happen if you pick a sister for Zahara who isn't "black enough?" Question: Is your compulsive need for racial balance in your own family in fact a reflection of your essential inability to see past a person's color, and is your need to act as mother-figure to all the "ethnic" children of the world an elaborate means of compensating for what you sub-consciously recognize as your own inherent racism? Question: Are you, Angelina, the epitome of the self-hating white person?

This all brings me back to one of my initial observations, the one about Angelina locking herself in the bathroom and howling about the horribleness of Prague. That sort of temper tantrum can't, I think, be chalked up to outrage over her kids being photographed. It wasn't the violation of her and her children's privacy that really bothered her - it was that the paparazzi had made her feel like she was not in control. Angelina, it's clear, is one of these colossally insecure people who feel the need to manipulate each and every aspect of their daily life, so that it conforms with some bizarre image they've concocted of the ideal existence. Angie has clearly bought into her own Mother Teresa act, and more so her loopy ideas of racial balance within the family. Wanting to select a child with the exact skin-tone to match the ones she already has is not simply the act of a twisted kind of racist, but of a veritable obsessive-compulsive. Angelina apparently takes control-freak to new heights. And when those paps started taking those pictures - Angelina felt her control slipping away and she flipped. This is what happens to people like Angie when they butt up against a reality that refuses to bend to their will. But, the racial make-up of her family is something she can manipulate - and how comforting must it be to her to know that, however antagonistic the outside world may become, she always has her little family life to retreat to, where she makes the rules, and even decides how dark or light the faces will be that she gets to look at every day. This gives us new insight, I think, into why Angelina was so averse to having a biological child. When you have a baby the old-fashioned way things are left a little too much to chance. What if the kid comes out deformed, or ugly, or too light or too dark? It's much safer to adopt kids, because then you get to look them over before you choose, and compare them to the walking pigment-samples.

I hope the people of Prague realize what a wonderful privilege it is to be part of Angelina's insanity.

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The Douchbagginess Of Travolta

John Travolta and his hideous wife Kelly Preston journeyed to Hawaii to appear at some event on behalf of Scientology's sham rehabilitation program Narcanon. But I'm not going to use this post as another occasion to slam Scientology - I'm just going to make fun of the way John and Kelly look. First of all, John. Vertical stripes and black. But on you, the slimming effect is negligible. We can still clearly tell that you are a fat fuck. Also, the hair. Big Propecia user are we? And what the hell is going on with your face anyway? Did you forget to remove some of the prosthetic applications they glued to it when you were filming Hairspray? Oh, and the hand-signal. Some sort of Scientology thing? A secret message to the Thetans? "Put the space-lasagna in the oven for me, I'll be home at seven."

And Kelly - no, I didn't forget about you sweetie. Looks to me like you've been working out a bit. Is that so you'll be strong enough to drag John out of the tub when the inevitable heart attack happens? But what then Kelly? You won't be calling an ambulance, we know, because you Scientologists don't believe in modern medicine. Perhaps while John is convulsing and foaming at the mouth you will just prevail on Xenu to spare him. "Please save my fat-ass husband from the bad Thetans who are casting their evil spell on his heart." Dumb bitch. Don't you know John's cholesterol is through the roof? Fucker doesn't need niacin or a sauna, he needs an angioplasty, maybe a bypass. And speaking of veins - dang Kelly, nice Angelina-arms. That must be what happens to you when you eat nothing but organic food. Of course, you save the organic stuff for yourself, don't you Kelly? But you let your autistic son sit in front of the TV all day scarfing Cheez-It Twisterz. That's cause you're trying to kill him early so you won't have to suffer the shame of his existence anymore. At this rate you won't have John or Jett - and then you'll be happy, won't you murderess?

Hayden And Rumer Spend An Awful Lot Of Time Together

Rumer Willis and Hayden Panettiere really seem to enjoy each other's company. Really seem to enjoy it. You know, more than two chicks who are just hanging out. You know what I mean? Like, they have more than just a cool chicky friendship going. Are you getting my drift? They dig each other. Really dig each other. Like two people dig each other when they're not just hanging out at the mall and talking about boys on the phone. You picking up what I'm laying down here people? These broads are really into each other. And, let's face it - Rumer Willis? She's got to be one of those. Just look at her. The hair? The odd fashion sense? And Hayden - she's at that age, isn't she? The experimental age. You know, she's discovering new things about herself. New kinky things. Involving exotic implements and electrical stimulation. Not that I mean to insinuate anything. Cause, you know, I don't really know...

Paris Likes Kitties

Paris Hilton continues accumulating pets even though she is about to go to jail. I wonder exactly who is going to take care of all of Paris's animals while she's in the clink. Maybe Perez will come over and do it for her. But no - Perez and Paris aren't pals anymore. Plus, Perez doesn't like animals - they're always biting him and trying to claw his eyes out. Whenever he walks into the room, living things have a tendency to behave as if the anti-Christ just entered. What's up with that?

And speaking of things being up with things (?), what's up with Paris's gloves? Lagerfeld wears gloves like that. And wrist-bands? Is she an aerobics instructor now? I think this chick has gone funny in the head.

Ryan O'Neal Off The Hook

L.A. County District Attorney Steve Cooley has announced he will not criminally prosecute actor Ryan O'Neal, who was arrested February 3rd for allegedly blowing away a newel post in an altercation with his son Griffin. Cooley cites "insufficient evidence" as the reason for dropping the case. Naturally, O'Neal's people are spinning this as vindication for their client, who maintains he was merely defending himself against an enraged Griffin. Griffin, however, charges that Ryan's actions led to the injury of his girlfriend, JoAnne Berry. In fact, Griffin hired harpyish lawyer Gloria Allred in hopes of nailing his father for allegedly smashing JoAnne in the face with a fireplace poker. Ryan has contended all along that Griffin was in fact the one who cracked JoAnne's skull with the iron implement. According to Griffin, the whole thing started because he had chained his drug-addict brother Redmond to the banister to keep him from doing more dope, and when Ryan discovered this he became unreasonable and violent. Didn't Griffin try to explain chaining his brother to the banister? Did they eschew rational interchange, going straight to the fireplace poker and the irresponsible discharge of fire-arms? I guess that's just how they do things in the O'Neal family.

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A Big Mouth Prepares Her Exit

Rosie O'Donnell's tenure on The View is coming to an end, and none too soon for those of us who can't stand this abominable creature and her shameless self-promoting antics. It was, in retrospect, a moronic decision for the show to hire her in the first place. Everyone should've seen the trainwreck that Rosie's participation would inevitably lead to. Of course it's possible that the producers were hoping for just such a catastrophe - and if this is the case, then I hope they're satisfied. Their caged animal co-host has raised their ratings and profile on the web - while destroying whatever slim credibility the show may have possessed, terrorizing an otherwise harmless little chipmunk-girl in Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and reducing Barbara Walters to the role of hapless, plastic-faced enabler. Plus, they have succeeded in making Rosie even more famous than she was before. Their show essentially became an opportunity for her to pick fights with people like Donald Trump, trumpet her pet causes and act like a big two-fisted lesbian bully. It all came to a head Wednesday when Rosie and Elisabeth had their now-infamous exchange:

The context of this argument eludes me, as I never watch The View. But the specifics of why the two are fighting are irrelevant - with Rosie on-board the fight would've happened one way or another. Rosie joined the show with a plan to antagonize as many people as possible, and she has carried it off beautifully. Of course, her targets have been carefully selected - she chooses rich white men like Donald Trump to go after, and rich attractive white women like Ms. Hasselbeck, because in our present culture, people like that are fair game. And by pitting herself against these whitebread paragons, Rosie achieved the aim of making herself look like a crusader for the outsiders and the picked-upon. She says it right in the above clip - they will criticize me for being a big fat lesbian who picks on a poor little white girl. And this is exactly as she wants it, the transparent, self-hating cow.

Since the Wednesday incident, it has become apparent that Rosie no longer wants to be on The View, in spite of her triumph. On her insipid blog, Rosie blathered to her readers about "knowing when it's time to go." And today she has posted what looks like a farewell video, featuring clippings from The View over a song whose lyrics presumably sum-up Rosie's feelings (I didn't bother listening to the song, so I have no idea what those feelings might be). Rosie's imminent departure was also signalled yesterday when her chief writer, Janette Barber, was thrown out of ABC's studios for allegedly drawing moustaches on pictures of Elisabeth Hasselbeck that hang around the building. Such a mature response - exactly the sort of thing we might expect from a friend of Rosie, who herself often appears stuck in junior-high, communicating through her silly blog poems and tedious videos the mentality of someone who ceased developing emotionally around the same time her pubic hair first appeared.

Rosie's contract doesn't officially expire until June 20, and The View says they expect her back on Monday (she's been off the last couple of days, presumably to celebrate partner Kelli Carpenter's birthday), but all indications are that Rosie's stint on the program has come to an end. Unless of course Rosie decides to mount some triumphant reappearance next week. It wouldn't shock me to see her try and milk this for as much sympathy and lame poetic material as she can. Of course, it's possible that Rosie herself is just fed-up. And, really, what more can she hope to gain by perpetuating all this friction and unpleasantness? Attacking Elisabeth Hasselbeck will no longer gain her favor - it will just look like piling-on. She has wrung nearly all the juice she could out of her participation on The View - time for her to find some other field of endeavor, which may better satisfy her bottomless need for validation, and compulsion to raise her voice in obnoxious, petulant, childish fashion against any and all who deign to suggest she might not be the intellectual heavyweight she imagines herself to be.

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Lindsay Lohan Makes Me Laugh

Lindsay Lohan cares about her little sister Ali. That's why, when Lindsay was in rehab at Wonderland, she had Ali come and visit her - so Ali could learn first-hand the dire consequences of a life of drinking and drugging. Says Lindsay:

There are certain things I don't cross the line talking to her about, but she's pretty observant and she's witnessed a lot, especially between my parents. ... She came to see me in rehab - I wanted her to see what it was like, so she'd never want to be in a place like that.

Gosh Lindsay, you are such a caring older sibling. Practicing this aversion therapy on little innocent 13-year-old Ali. Bringing her to Wonderland so she would find out what it's like to be in rehab. I'm sure that seeing the inside of a posh rich-person treatment facility - a place that let you come and go almost as you pleased - will put her off of partying forever. And of course, since leaving rehab, you have provided such a sterling example for Ali by your personal conduct. You are walking the straight-and-narrow now Lindsay - no more cocaine binges or insane antics for you. All Ali need do is emulate your behavior exactly and she will lead a happy and fulfilling life, never requiring treatment at a rehab facility, or a liver transplant, or an iron-lung.

Lindsay Lohan - she's an inspiration to us all.

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Britney Tries A Sailor Hat

Britney took a break from working at the dance studio to have lunch on a boat. That gave her an excuse to put on this hat, which makes her look like a drag-queen sailor. By the way, here's a picture of her on the boat:



Who's teaching the kid to pole-dance?

Mischa Irks Model

Sad-eyed actress Mischa Barton and fake-boobed Playboy model Victoria Silvstedt got into it the other evening during an exclusive Cannes party thrown by jewelers De Grisogono, reports the Daily Mirror.

According to accounts Mischa and Victoria began the evening as pals, throwing back cocktails together, but things took a nasty turn when Mischa became annoyed that Victoria kept following her around. Mischa, ever the prudent young lady, tried simply ignoring Victoria - which of course angered the surgically-enhanced model. "Where the hell are you going now? Why do you keep walking away from me?" Victoria was heard to ask; to which Mischa replied, "We're not even going in the same direction. We're not going to the same place."

That seemed to be the end of it. However, at the close of the affair, Mischa found herself bumping up against former buddy Victoria again while trying to exit the club. Victoria at this point began grilling Mischa about the latter's behavior during the evening, and Mischa replied by telling Victoria to move. This caused the model to go completely ballistic. As Mischa departed, Victoria yelled after her, "There goes the bitch! There goes the bitch!"

By that account, it seems Victoria Silvstedt was the antagonist and Mischa somewhat the innocent victim. But I suspect it was really the other way around. Not that Mischa did anything to deliberately provoke Victoria - on the contrary, I believe it was never Mischa's intention to make Victoria angry at her. However, Mischa just has this thing about her - maybe it's the sick-puppy eyes - that seems like it must naturally infuriate everyone who comes into contact with her. I don't think we can blame Victoria Silvstedt for losing her temper - in fact, I think she showed admirable restraint in not ripping Mischa's head off right then and there. I know that if Mischa started talking to me, even about something innocuous like the weather, I would probably lose it entirely and not be able to stop myself from killing her. But, Victoria Silvstedt is clearly made of sterner stuff. Especially her boobs.

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Judge Judy Voice Vexes Bill Collector

Some poor phone-monkey working for a collection agency dials a wrong number, and spends the next ten minutes being tortured by these dudes who've loaded a bunch of Judge Judy quotes into a computer. Listen and enjoy.

Hasselhoff And Child

David Hasselhoff poses on the American Idol finale red carpet with daughter Taylor. I think it's lovely the way Hasselhoff involves his daughter in his activities. When he's going to a big event, he takes her with, so she can share all the fun with him. And when he's totally wasted and chomping on junk-food, Taylor gets to film him. Then she gets to clean up his puke while he sits there swaying, his eyes fluttering open occasionally, and he uttering slurry admonitions like, "Don't forget to get under the mmmbzzmmmhuh?"

Paris Licks Something

Paris Hilton has ditched all the spiritual inquiry in favor of something more her speed - licking on an ice cream cone. Enjoy it while you can Paris, cause you won't get ice cream in lock-up. Or booze or cocaine or men either. And Nicole Richie won't be there to stand next to you and make you appear relatively attractive. Nor will Perez be able to pop over and wash your feet for you, or regurgitate his already-masticated food into your mouth to save you the trouble of chewing.

Biker Britney

Britney's all ready to appear on an episode of American Chopper. In fact, I think the guys are building her a custom bike even as we speak. It features a double-sidecar for Jayden James and Sean Preston to ride in. Frankly, I don't think we should be encouraging Britney to tear-ass down the highway on a hog with her two kids in a sidecar, but what the hell do I know?

Kardashian Protects Her Head

Someone knitted Kim Kardashian a large prophylactic, and now she wears it on her head. Which just proves what I've always believed - that Kim Kardashian squirts jizz out of the top of her skull.

Is Jessica Simpson Preggers?

Jessica Simpson may be pregnant. Of course, any given fertile woman may be pregnant at any given moment, you just don't know until you know. But in Jessica's case, at least according to her friends, there is valid reason for speculation. This is because, in the eyes of those who worry about such things, Jessica's already-ample breasts have recently grown to well-nigh gargantuan proportions. The sort of thing that typically happens to women who are knocked-up. Also, these friends say that when they ask Jessica about being pregnant, she smiles. And this is seen as some indication that she is indeed with child. Because, if she had put on as much weight as she has lately, and you asked her if she was pregnant but she wasn't, she would probably not smile. She would probably get mad and perhaps fill her diaper.

This patchwork of guessing and surmise about the state of Jessica's womb leads us naturally to the subject of John Mayer. Can we, in fact, attach some significance to the fact that the two broke up, then seemed to hastily reunite? Did Jessica reveal some little bit of information to John that made him not want to be with her anymore? And did he then have a change of heart brought on - perhaps? - by Joe Simpson appearing at his house early in the morning brandishing a shotgun? It would not surprise me to soon hear news of Jessica and John's impending nuptials. I can just picture the scene - the church all decked out in flowers, Jessica in her flowing white gown, John in his tuxedo, Papa Joe with his .30-06. And Ashlee in the corner trying to glue her nose back on.

What a happy family they'll all make. The pervert and his two freakish daughters, and John Mayer announcing he's going on a seventeen-year world tour.

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Whatever You Do, Don't Call Keira Knightley Thin

Keira Knightley has won $6000 in damages from British paper The Daily Mail, after suing them over a story which she claimed suggested she was personally responsible for causing young women to contract anorexia. That story featured a picture of Keira, looking slight as usual, with the headline, "If Pictures Like This One Of Keira Carried A Health Warning, My Darling Daughter Might Have Lived." Hmm...and Keira had a problem with that? I can't imagine why.

Of course, we here at Crabbie's Hollywood never have to worry about running afoul of Keira Knightley. We would never, ever say anything bad about her looks. In fact, we think Keira is just beautiful. And we think it's sad the way she's always running herself down. Why Keira, when you are such an image of perfection? Truly Keira - there is nothing in this world more magnificent than visible rib-cage, long, spindly limbs and sunken cheeks. And you have all of those. And even better - you have no discernible bosom. In fact, if we didn't know you were female, we would think you were a fourteen year old boy. And that's just the way we like you Keira. So don't let those bastards get you down with their talk of anorexia and other mental disorders. They're just jealous. All the women want to be you Keira, and all the men want to fuck you. And all the gays want to dress you up, and clap their hands while you spin and dance and frolic. Wee!

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Natalie Portman Picking Up Kiki Dunst's Leavings

Us Weekly is reporting that actress Natalie Portman has been shacking up with comedian and SNL cast-member Andy Samberg. I'm not exactly sure why this is news, except for the fact that Samberg used to have sex with Kiki Dunst, and for some reason it always makes me sad when I see some other woman doing it with one of Kiki's old boyfriends. I mean, someone who would have the poor taste to actually penetrate Kiki - is that anyone an intelligent, beautiful woman like Natalie Portman should stoop to having sex with? Natalie used to fuck Gael Garcia Bernal for God's sake - a man who causes Crabbie to wake up in the middle of the night bathed in sweat and whimpering like the victim of a hillbilly gang-rape. And she's gone from that to some kinky-haired former fuck-buddy of Kiki Dunst's? I hope you make Andy wear protection Natalie. And I hope, for your sake, that Andy's fling with Kiki was the result of some temporary insanity, or a protracted acid-trip. Cause, if he screwed Kiki while in his right mind - well, then I sort of fear for you Natalie.

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Avril Lavigne Is A Bitter Little Twit

Avril Lavigne can't seem to get past the fact that people don't really care about her. She seems to have some kind of complex about it - and this is why she insists on constantly ripping people who are much more often in the news than she is. In the new Cosmo, Avril sets her bitter, resentful sights on Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson, accusing them of being tabloid-whores. Of course, Avril also explains why she herself is seldom seen at big red carpet events:

Britney and Ashlee, they're really exposed in the tabloids, but you can control that. With [husband] Deryck and I being two celebrities in Hollywood, we could be all over those magazines if we wanted to. Some people do that - they go to every red carpet event. [All that stuff] is kind of silly. I have a career. I only go somewhere if I really need to go.

Yes Avril, all that stuff is kind of silly - almost as silly as ripping people in magazine interviews who are more famous than you, who you are clearly jealous of. Oh, and I love that "I have a career" line. Right Avril - you have a great career. Making shit albums that every critic rips. Doing absurd appearances dressed like an explosion at a Goodwill. Telling everyone who'll listen that you're not a media-whore like those other no-talent bitches. Are you for real Avril?

And while we're talking about you Avril - you think you could tone down the eye make-up a little bit? If I ever saw you around my house I would whip out my varmint gun and chase you off.

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Pitt And Clooney Are Happy

Brad Pitt and George Clooney share some boy-time together at the Cannes Film Festival Ocean's 13 photocall. And just why are Brad and George so happy in this picture? Did they just leave a whoopie cushion on Don Cheadle's seat? Did Steven Soderbergh tell the greatest dirty limerick of all-time? Or, is Brad just so happy that Angelina's not there, his joy became infectious and overcame George as well? Honestly, why don't Brad and George just get married? They obviously love each other. Yes, I know, they're straight. But so what? Nobody's saying they have to have sex with each other just because they're married. Hell, most of the married people I know don't have sex with each other. You marry someone because you want them to do your laundry and squeeze your pimples for you, not because you want to sleep with them.

Paris Hilton Is Now A Buddhist

Paris Hilton may be on the path to enlightenment. At any rate, the dumb bitch was seen coming out of a Buddhist bookstore toting a copy of something by John-Roger, the ex-Mormon who founded the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness. This comes just days after Hilton was photographed carrying copies of both the Bible and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Having never read any of the above books, I can't really say what value they might have for someone like Paris. There's nothing in there about lip-gloss or hair extensions, I'm assuming. Nor is there any advice for people who enjoy collecting miniature animals as though they were knick-knacks.

It's always amused me, this celebrity ploy of being photographed with allegedly significant objects. I think of Lindsay Lohan and her water-bottle - how that was supposed to convince us that she wasn't drinking ("See? Only water."). But this is how these people think; everything is surface effect. Paris now wants us to believe she's been chastened and made a serious person by her recent difficulties. She wants us to think she reads books about spirituality now, and has begun perusing the Bible for help in navigating life's pitfalls. But the books are only accessories to Paris - she's learned the art of projecting a certain persona through clothing and hair and jewelry, and the books are just another part of that. That's all obvious and rather tiresome. What I'm truly curious about is who gave her the idea that she should now go around looking grave to the point of being stricken. When she first got the jail sentence she seemed a bit arrogant - and then that silly Schwarzenegger petition was released, and she seemed foolish and childish for endorsing it. Then, suddenly, her lawyers released a statement saying she understood the gravity of her predicament - at whose behest, I wonder? Someone in her family who was worried she had taken the spoiled little heiress routine too far, and now needed to project some humility? Yes - and what do people do when they wish to appear humbled? Wear more modest clothing? Don a hang-dog expression? Tote the Bible and other books about spirituality and inner-awareness?

Am I being too cynical in thinking that Paris is incapable of true self-awareness? Perhaps. However, I do not buy her present act for a second. It reeks of her particular brand of half-assed calculation, that sense of someone rather dim and only half-cunning attempting a sloppy sort of manipulation with the complicity of her handlers and of course those willing lap-dogs the media. Paris has always been a tease - a charlatan coasting on some unaccountable fascination with her tawdriness and alleged charm. Everything about her is phony - and doubly-so when she's trying to be sincere.

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Madonna's Brother Disses Britney

Madonna apparently has a brother named Christopher Ciccone. Having nothing better to do with his life, this puke goes around attending Britney Spears concerts (and probably sucking a lot of dicks). Christopher, whose friends call him Hey Dipshit, was present for Britney's big comeback show this weekend in Miami, along with a whole bunch of "trannies and gay guys" (as they were described by Page 6's spies). Christopher and the trannies and gay guys reportedly jeered Britney and her "hideous white go-go boots and ratty extensions," and afterward Christopher declared that his sister Vadge "would never go onstage looking like that." Well, yes, we assume that Madonna would normally abstain from taking the stage looking like a 19-year-old Wal-Mart clerk's daydream of glamour. Madonna may not have any class, morals or talent, but at least she has taste - which she of course stole from the trannies and gays.

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One Big Happy Wack Family

Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher and Tallulah Belle Willis attend the premiere of Demi's new movie Mr. Brooks. Tallulah Belle? I wouldn't blame little Tallulah one bit if she crept into Demi's room some night and blew the bitch's head off. "That's for naming me Tallulah. And that's for Striptease. And that's for St. Elmo's Fire you fucking hag."

By the way, caught a preview of Mr. Brooks on the tube. Kevin Costner as some kind of mad-dog killer? Oh yeah, he really projects menace. I've seen crippled schnauzers that were more terrifying than this bald old fuck.

Nicole Richie In Rehab

The National Enquirer and Star Magazine are both reporting that worthless tramp Nicole Richie, suffering from anorexia and a painkiller addiction, has checked herself into rehab. TMZ, however, have been told that Nicole is not in fact in treatment at all, but is merely under the care of a therapist, and as of right now is completely sober.

First of all, I wish they'd stop calling Nicole's heroin addiction a "painkiller" addiction. Yes, technically heroin is a painkiller - if the pain you want to kill is the very pain of existence. It's not the kind of thing you just take if you mess up your knee, then accidentally get hooked on. We know what Nicole's really taking, so stop it. Second of all, there's no way I believe that Nicole is "completely sober." Yes, maybe at this exact moment she is - but in the general sense? With all the great parties that have been going on? All Paris's alleged friends getting together to celebrate the bitch getting her ass chucked in the slammer? Nicole's probably been tipsy for several weeks straight.

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Madonna Directs

Madonna tries to look really important while working on her directorial debut Filth & Wisdom. It's a comedy, so she's probably showing them where to put the funny. I could tell Madonna where to put her movie, but I'm too much of a gentleman.

Two Poshies

Poshy's people got clever one day and decided they'd play a trick on the mean paparazzi. So they got themselves a blow-up doll and dressed it like their boss Poshy, and pulled up in the van where the paps were. The paps waited with their cameras to photograph Poshy. The door opened, and Poshy's people emerged with their doll. "See?" they said. "It's not Poshy. It's a doll made to look like her." Everyone had a hearty laugh, even the paparazzi, who could sell the pictures of fake Poshy as readily as pictures of the real one. Then everyone dispersed. Poshy's people got back in the van and drove off with the doll to pick up the real Poshy. They arrived where Poshy was waiting but there was as yet no sign of her. "This is taking up too much space," one of Poshy's people said of the doll inside the van. So they took the doll outside and sat it down on a bench. "Let's go look for her," another of Poshy's people said. The others agreed, and so they went off to look for Poshy. A few minutes passed. The beautiful Poshy herself emerged from the building. "What's this?" she said, looking around inside the van but finding no one. "Well sod it all," she said. Feeling a little worn-out she went to the bench to rest. She sat down next to the doll which she did not even notice. Several minutes passed. Poshy's people at last returned. They came to the bench, and saw the two Poshies sitting side-by-side. "Oh no," one of them said, "there are two of them. But which is the real one?" They scratched their heads and wondered what to do. Then one of them got a bright idea - he would squeeze the Poshies' breasts to see which one was real. The others agreed this was a splendid plan. So he began squeezing breasts. He squeezed each one carefully, five or six times, caressing it. Unfortunately this did not help; all the breasts seemed equally fake. "Now what do we do?" Poshy's people said. Then, one of them had another idea - they would ask the Poshies questions. It was generally agreed that this too was a marvelous solution to their quandary. So, Poshy's person thought of some questions to ask. "What books have you read lately?" he said to the first Poshy. But there was no answer. Then he went to the second Poshy and asked her the same, but again, no reply was forthcoming. Perplexed as ever, Poshy's people put their heads together. There was much deliberation and wringing of hands. At last, one of them raised his hand. "I have an idea," he said. "Let's call her husband David Beckham." This excited Poshy's people, for it seemed this would surely clear up the matter. A cell-phone was procured and David was summoned. Soon David's car pulled up, and he emerged looking magnificent and manly. "What the bloody hell's going on here?" David asked. Poshy's people nervously explained their predicament. "That's no problem," David confidently proclaimed. "I'll have this cleared up in a jiff." Poshy's people fell to their knees in gratitude. The wonderful David went to the two Poshies, and looked in their faces, and took their hands and squeezed them, and spoke to them. Poshy's people looked on in fretful anticipation. Unfortunately, David soon wore the same look of perplexity they themselves had. Their hearts sank. Then, the look of puzzlement disappeared from David's face. "I know," he announced, "I'll fuck them. That will clear this up." Poshy's people sighed with relief. David eagerly took one Poshy by the hand and dragged her behind a bush. Thirty seconds later he came back, dragging the Poshy with him and smiling. "I've solved it," he said, clutching the Poshy's arm. "This is my wife." Poshy's people rejoiced. They all got in the van together, Poshy and David and Poshy's people, and drove off happily down the street. The other Poshy, who remained on the bench, suddenly looked around in confusion. "Where the fuck has everybody got to?" the real Poshy said.

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Lohan Wears Hats Too

Lindsay Lohan wears hats. She's also great in the sack according to Calum Best. Mr. Best is a really classy dude, going around telling everyone what a great lay Lindsay is. Of course Lindsay loves that he's doing this - hell, she probably ordered him to do it. She probably stipulated that he had to do it before she'd even have sex with him at all. Little Miss Subtle over here. Why don't I make my mouth look like a pussy so there will be no mistaking what it's for? Harlot.

Somebody Has Sex With That?

Mary-Kate Olsen and her boyfriend Max Snow prowl the streets. Isn't Mary-Kate kind of young to already look like the sort of nutty old dame who lives in a big house full of antique lamps, and has painted upside-down V's for eyebrows and gets her rocks off trying to seduce the guy who reads the water meter? You know, the kind of old lady who has a trunk full of moldy furs that she takes out sometimes and traipses around the house in pretending she's at a grand ball? And she dances with her cats whose names are Reginald and Jack? Cause those are the names of the two husbands she poisoned and buried in the cellar?

Mayer and Simpson Unbreak-Up

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are officially no longer broken up. I think. Anyway, witnesses told US Weekly that they spent the weekend holed up in Jessica's room at the SoHo Grand Hotel in New York. Presumably they were having sex. Or maybe they were doing arts and crafts. I don't know. Frankly, I was hoping they'd stay broken up. I wanted Jessica to get a more interesting boyfriend, like Johnny Knoxville or a UPS man. Just the sight of Mayer now makes my brain shut off. Sort of like what happens to him whenever he sees Jessica's boobs coming toward him.

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Britney Redefines Atrocious

This is Britney Saturday night after her concert, and presumably before the pool party she had at the hotel. I might be able to live with the absurd swimsuit cover-up or whatever that's supposed to be, if only it weren't for the hat. And the scraggly hair coming out the back and the...

Oh fuck, I can't take it anymore. Would someone please just run the bitch over? I'll pay you.

Eva Plays Volleyball, Shows Off Ass

Eva Longoria participates in a charity volleyball game benefiting Padres Contra El Cancer (which I believe means "Fathers Against Cancer"). Eva loves coming out for these kinds of events. Cause nothing makes her happier than slapping around some big white balls. Yes, you saw that one coming from a mile away. They can't all be winners.

Update: Scott Stapp Arrested For Assault. See, He Can Get Arrested.

Former Creed front-man Scott Stapp was arrested this weekend in West Boca, Florida on charges of domestic assault. No one was injured in the incident, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, but police said there was "evidence of assault" at Stapp's home, which he shares with wife Jaclyn Nesheiwat. The sheriff's office would provide no further details.

Christian rocker Stapp has gotten himself in trouble in the past. In 2002 he was arrested by Florida police and charged with reckless driving when he drove his SUV off the road. And in 2006, just hours after his wedding to Jacklyn Nesheiwat, Stapp was kept from boarding a plane at LAX for being "antagonistic and boisterous," and was subsequently arrested for public intoxication.

I know nothing about Scott Stapp or his music, but I do know that when I look at his face I want to beat him up, and find everyone he's ever cared about and also beat them up, and then randomly go up to strangers and beat them up. He just has one of those mugs.

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Update: Scott Stapp's wife, Miss New York 2004 Jaclyn Nesheiwat, has told the police that her husband threw a glass bottle of Orangina at her face during an altercation which, she says, started because he staggered into the house at 8 in the morning and she had the temerity to ask him if he'd been doing drugs. I'm gonna guess yes on that one Jaclyn? Also, why in God's name would you marry such an ass-faced imbecile in the first place? The man is so clearly consumed with delusions of his own divinely-inspired greatness. "With Arms Wide Open." Sure - to embrace your own ego, Scott.

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Poor Jessica

Jessica Simpson tends to overachieve when it comes to her boyfriends. Nick Lachey? John Mayer? Both were probably a notch or two above her on whatever scale we use to measure such things. So, it probably shouldn't be a surprise that newly-single Jessica is reaching for the stars again man-wise. This time, however, her target may be completely out of her range.

Jessica Simpson - don't snicker now - is smitten with Jude Law.

That's the very Jude Law, readers of this and other fine blogs know, who dissed Jessica last week at a Cannes Film Festival party. "What's she doing here?" Jude was heard to disdainfully utter upon spotting Jessica in the crowd.

Apparently, Jude, she was looking for you. And this is no little puppy-dog crush either. Jessica is serious. Said Jessica after encountering her dream man:

Jude's lovely - it was the first time I'd met him and he was very charming. I love the way he talks. His British accent and the way it makes him move his mouth are such a turn-on.

Jude, you dirty-dog. You did try to hit on her, just as I suggested when I blogged on your diss of her the other day. You charmed her with your accent and the way you move your mouth. Oh, but a few minutes before that you were wondering what someone of her ilk would be doing in such an inappropriate place. Jessica Simpson? Shouldn't she be slopping hogs or milking cows or walking around barefoot and knocked-up?

You really are a shameless creature, aren't you Jude? Bemoaning Jessica's presence one minute, putting the moves on her the next. Of course, we know you're not serious about her. All you want is one romp with her, just to see what those tits feel like with your face buried in them. It's not even attraction - it's just idle curiosity. "Well that was pleasant." And then she's dog-meat again, right you womanizing sociopathic greaseball?

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Grainy Image Of Britney Putting Foot In Pool

No, it's not Bigfoot or an alien - it's Britney Spears at a pool party in Miami after her "show" there. The Daily Mail has a whole big report on the great time Britney and her dancers had at the hotel in their bikinis. Of course they had a great time - they were all on drugs.

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Brad And Angie Arrive In Cannes

The Brad and Angie Traveling Circus and Crazy Show has arrived in Cannes. Both actors have a film showing out of competition at the festival - Angie's A Might Heart, where she plays Marianne Pearl, and Brad's Ocean's 13, where he plays himself trying to act hip and snappy. Am I the only one who thinks Brad looks a little like Josh Hartnett here? I wish his shirt were more transparent. And Angie - oh, who gives a fuck about her anyway. Her act got tired ages ago. Thankfully the orphans in France are all white, otherwise she'd probably pick herself up a couple.

Janice Dickinson At POTC3 Premiere

Janice Dickinson befouls the Pirates of the Caribbean 3 premiere with her presence. This is a rare picture of Janice that doesn't feature her with one of her legs hoisted sluttily skyward. Oh, can the "I'm so hot" poses Janice - you're a hundred-and-fifty years old and if it weren't for BoTox you'd look like Hans Moleman. God, close your mouth you old hag. I feel like I'm staring into the passage to Hades.

Britney Goes Shopping

Britney got herself to Miami in spite of her airplane issues. Here we see her out on a shopping trip. There's Alli, hovering (always hovering). Britney's outfit is tame as her recent outfits go. I'm less offended by that hat than some of the others she's donned. I could do without the look of utter derangement though. Seems like she's off her meds.

Joey Buttafuoco, Amy Fisher Planning Reality Series

Fans of '90s tabloid sensationalism remember the story: Greasy Long Island mechanic Joey Buttafuoco was cheating on his wife Mary Jo with 17-year-old "Lolita" Amy Fisher, and Amy got jealous one day, shot Mary Jo in the face (she lived) and ended up in jail for seven years. The story made headlines all over the world; Amy became so famous that she was even played by Drew Barrymore in a bad TV movie. But that was 15 long years ago - today Joey and Mary Jo are no longer married; Joey is going through a divorce after splitting with the woman he wed after Mary Jo; and Amy is out of jail and divorcing her own husband with whom she's had two kids. And now, according to The Insider, notorious lovers Joey and Amy have gotten back together - and are of course planning on launching a reality show. Because that's what you do when you are a total dirtbag with nothing worthwhile to offer the world.

It might sound like a great idea on the surface - trainwreck TV starring an ex-convict slut and the man who pushed her to murder. Unfortunately, the reality thing has gotten so rote by this point that nothing really spontaneous or interesting ever happens. It's all bad play-acting. They'll pad around in their bare feet swearing at each other - all bleeped out of course, cause the audience's sensibilities are so delicate (you can tell because they're watching a show with Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco). They'll get in fights about leaving the toilet seat up, or forgetting to put the Glock away after taking a pot-shot at the noisy neighbors. Joey will win every argument by finally screaming, "Well at least I didn't shoot my lover's wife in the face and go to prison for seven years!" At which point Amy will run away crying and lock herself in her room. Hopefully, at some point, she will come back out with a shotgun and give Joey both barrels. Come to think of it, I might want to watch that after all.

(by the way - when you run spell-check the program suggests "buttock" for "Buttafuoco." dirty spell-check suggests "butt-fuck.")

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It's Confirmed: Britney Spears Is The Biggest Idiot On Earth

For the benefit of those few earthlings still operating under the illusion that Britney Spears is not a complete mouth-breathing over-the-rainbow numbskull, I present the following item:

POP-STAR BRITNEY SPEARS STOPS FLIGHT OVER SEATS

Britney Spears, who has been attempting a comeback in recent weeks, made a colossal, shameless nuisance of herself Friday night at LAX.

At first, the other passengers had no idea what was causing the delay of their Miami-bound United Airlines flight - then the captain came on the intercom, apologetically explaining that a passenger had wanted to get off, and he was obliged to respect their wishes even though it caused everyone else to have to wait. It was only later that the passengers discovered the full truth - the one who'd been let off was Britney Spears, and her reason for wanting to vacate the plane was that it didn't have leather seats.

Yes, Britney Spears held up an entire United Airlines flight because her seat was not upholstered with cow-hide. Britney now believes her ass to be so privileged that she refuses to allow it to touch mere vinyl, or whatever else those seats were done with. Sort of ironic, given the way she's been clothing her ass lately:



We as a society need to do something about ridiculously spoiled celebs like Britney Spears delaying commercial flights for the most frivolous, self-indulgent of reasons. There were people on that plane who probably had important things they were getting to - things more important than Britney trying to get to Miami for another one of her farcical comeback shows, at any rate. But because Britney's rich she thinks she can ignore the rules of decent social conduct, inconveniencing scores of "regular" people in the process. Well I say ban Britney - yes, keep her off commercial flights altogether. Put her name on a watch-list - an asshole watch-list. If she ever tries boarding a flight again, treat her like a prospective terrorist - haul her into a little room and strip-search her, and make her sit there for hours without a phone or even a glass of water. Teach the whore a lesson in what happens to people who think they can do anything they please. Because, in the end, people like Britney are no better than terrorists. Self-important celebs like Britney disrupt the machinery of society by their thoughtlessness the same way terrorists do by their deliberate acts of mayhem and sabotage. In fact, I think Britney's behavior may be grounds for the bitch to be indefinitely detained. I say handcuff the slut, stick her on a C-130 and fly her to Guantanamo. Let her languish in a filthy cell for a few years with nothing but a Koran and a daily allowance of unleavened bread and flat Mountain Dew. Finally, a chance for George Douche to do something worthwhile for his fellow Americans.

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Johnny Depp At "Pirates 3" Premiere

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 had its big U.S. premiere at Disneyland in Anaheim last night, and of course star Johnny Depp was there - looking like he'd had a few. But, I don't blame Johnny for getting soused - we all know he's not into the glitzy side of Hollywood, so he probably needs a little alcoholic fortification to get through an evening like that. Anyway, here's another picture of Johnny:



I think Johnny may have started drinking well before the premiere. Like a week before. And he forgot to wash his hair. He runs his hand through it so much - that little self-conscious don't-wanna-be-here move of his - that it's no wonder it looks all greasy. Of course that just adds to his scruffy manly-man allure, right? We like a dude who isn't afraid to go a month without bathing. The natural oils are sexy. And speaking of people who don't bathe often, here's Keith Richards:



Nice skull hankie there Keith. Do you use that to wipe the table off after you're done snorting coke cut with your father's ashes?

And, yes, Orlando Bloom was there too:



Orlando is what Hugh Grant would be if he had not a lick of personality or wit. And speaking of people who have no personality or wit...

Hold on a sec - was Keira Knightley not there? I can't find any pics of her. You mean she skipped the premiere of her movie? What, was she off wandering in the Himalayas again, discovering herself? Oh Keira, you're too good to show up to a goofy Hollywood premiere. It's all so beneath you now. Choke on jizz, Keira.

(yes, I know Keira's filming a movie right now and that's probably why she wasn't there. sometimes we ignore the truth in favor of the bit. those are our priorities here at Crabbie's Hollywood - funny first, truth second. i'm not explaining that again.)

Jessica Simpson In Cannes

Jessica Simpson is running around Cannes making a nuisance of herself. Basically, she's only there because the cameras are. Oh, and because there was a party last week for some dumb-ass movie she's going to be in. Stupid bitch actually thinks she's a movie-star. Because she pouted and stuck out her tits in the Dukes of Hazzard? All she does is pout and stick out her tits. It's all she knows how to do (besides defecate at awkward moments).

Simpson, apparently unbeknownst to her, has become a joke - and even the other stars know it. Reportedly, the other night at a Cannes party, Jude Law spotted Jessica and was overheard saying, "What's she doing here?" Just imagine Jude saying that in his snotty English accent. Of course, Jude then went and hit on Jessica, but that's another story. The point is that, if someone as lame as Jude Law is looking down on you, you might as well change your name to Kathy Griffin or Andy Dick and start looking for a lightpost to hump. Cause you be done.

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Nicole Kidman Wants A Piece Of Hugh Jackman

Nicole Kidman is hoping to get hot-and-heavy with Hugh Jackman on the set of their movie Australia. Said the married Kidman of the prospects for a steamy love-scene between the two:

It's a love story, I hope we do more than just kiss. He's a hunk.

Yes he is Nicole. You, however, are a BoToxed freak - and do I need to reiterate the fact that you're married? To a recovering drunk. Who will probably get insanely jealous and go on a bender after reading about this. Good job Nicole - you've driven Keith back to the bottle. God, now I know why Tom got rid of you. You're just an evil twat.

(source)

Gwyneth And Child Too Perfect To Be Viewed By Mortal Eyes

Just another normal day in Teheran? How about Santa Monica. No, Muslims are not taking over Santa Monica. That's actually Gwyneth Paltrow and her daughter Apple with their heads covered by a shawl. Gwyneth was picking Apple up at the nursery, and to protect her and her darling daughter from the prying eyes of paps, she donned this disguise. Not much of a disguise, since according to on-lookers, Gwyn actually attracted more attention with the shawl over her head. Yup - she's way smarter than all us dumb-ass typical Americans.

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Sienna Miller Falls Off Her Bike

Sienna Miller wears a look of terror while riding an antique bicycle. I'm assuming that's the seat poking out her dress. Otherwise bitch is sporting some major wood, which would be quite the story (and would cast Jude Law in a whole new light).



Oh my god, Sienna cracked her melon open when she fell off the bike. She's scarred her beautiful face forever!

All right it's all just for a movie. Sundays suck, okay?

Spot The Ass

Keira Knightley Still Feeling Sorry For Herself

Keira Knightley has taken her self-deprecation kick to a point where I'm now beginning to wonder if she isn't actually mentally disturbed.

The latest load of oh-woe-is-me blather to come issuing from Keira's ever-flapping piehole concerns her boobs. Specifically, the fact that her boobs are quite small as boobs go. Here's what the eternally self-critical Keira had to say about them:

I would love to have tits! ... I would love to have [Italian actress] Monica Bellucci's figure. ... I'm never going to get it. I'm naturally who I am.

Yes Keira, you're naturally who you are - a flithead who never shuts up about herself. Honestly Keira, for someone who swears she doesn't want to be famous, you sure give a lot of interviews. And almost all of them are nothing but you running yourself down. Do you think this makes you interesting somehow? Do you think it makes people feel sorry for you? "Poor Keira, she doesn't like her body. Guess she'll just have to console herself with her millions of dollars." Or just buy yourself a pair of tits. God damn, how hard is that anyway? Every brainless bimbo on earth has a pair of fake boobs - why not join your sisters, Keira? Do you think giving in would make you look shallow? Hate to break it to you dear - you already do. The only one who finds anything profound or meaningful in your babbling is you.

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Chanel Cruise Show Pics - Crabbie V. Lagerfeld

Ashley Olsen:


Crabbie: Trampy businesswoman who turns tricks on her lunch-hour. Photocopies her ass at the office Christmas party and faxes it to her old boyfriends.

Lagerfeld:


Crabbie: Eat something Lagerfeldula! And not blood this time!

Demi Moore:


Crabbie: Your older sister who can't deal with the fact that she's in her forties now and no one looks at her even though she works out two hours a day keeping her booty tight.

Lagerfeld:

Crabbie: Tedious old fart!

Dita Von Teese:


Crabbie: Oh, you're so elegant Dita. Right up until the moment your face becomes covered with some shock-rocker's semen.

Take that zombie-man!

Lagerfeld:


Crabbie: Whaaaaaa?!

Ali Larter:


Crabbie: You're evil. You're good. Your kid is annoying. Your husband is hot but now dead. You try to kill your shrink yet they still let you out. What the hell's going on?

Duck Lagerfeld!

Lagerfeld:


Crabbie: Oh. That smarted!

Huh?

Elisha Cuthbert:


Crabbie: I'm Elisha Cuthbert. I'm Paris Hilton's friend. Oh, I think I'm so cute. I'm always getting kidnapped. I'm four-foot-six so my head's at the perfect level, right guys?

Lagerfeld. Still you live. That's it. Get him Bobo!!!!

Lagerfeld:


Crabbie: Live through that bloodsucking night-dweller!

Poshy:


Crabbie: God, what a whore. She makes me sick. Hey Lagerfeld, what do you think about that?

Lagerfeld:



Crabbie: Why won't you die? Nooooooo!!!!

Alba At Chanel Cruise Show Presented By Karl Lagerfeld

Jessica Alba says she is too hot to be taken seriously by Hollywood. I didn't make that up - she said that. Here we see her proudly displaying some of that hotness at last night's Chanel Cruise Show. Apparently this is the boring, sort of oily part of her hotness. Is that the part that's distracting everyone from her amazing talent? Don't know.

What The Fuh?

Why are Lindsay Lohan and Karl Lagerfeld posing on the steps of that plane? Seems there was a big Chanel show last night in Santa Monica, staged by Lagerfeld - at an airplane hangar. This is Lagerfeld's idea of spectacle - dragging a bunch of rich, famous people out to the middle of an airport in Santa Monica. I'm sure it was fabulous. Anyway, Lohan appears to have flown in with Lagerfeld on a Chanel jet. I always thought Lagerfeld turned into a bat when we wanted to go someplace, but apparently he uses private jets sometimes too.



Lagerfeld touches Lindsay with his cold, clammy hands. She appears a bit uncomfortable to me. Almost like she can feel the life-essence being sucked out of her.



"Which ever one of you bozos has his hand on my ass...you just hit the jackpot, baby."

Aish-Abhi Arrives At Cannes

Newlyweds Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan arrive at Cannes (this actually happened yesterday but I was too lazy to post it). Lots of palm trees in Cannes. Hope Aishwarya's eyes don't start straying.

The On-Going Saga That Is Britney's Hair

This is Britney Spears's hair. Apparently, she has had extensions added to the stubble that has begun emerging from her previously shaved dome. Considering the damage she allegedly did to her hair from over-use of extensions in the first place, this seems like the most idiotic thing she could do. But idiocy is what we've come to expect from Britney - in fact, the day this bitch does something smart, the world may actually crack in half from humanity's collective shock.


I have stared into the face of stupidity, and yawned.

The Most Terrifying Picture Ever

Courtney Love and Karl Lagerfeld are two people who should, by law, not be allowed to appear in the same place at the same time. I don't care what you have to do - slap some kind of monitoring bracelet on them, assign guards to them 24 hours a day, whatever; just keep the two of them apart. Seriously, I'm surprised the guy who took this picture didn't immediately vaporize at the sheer hideousness before him. If there are two more revolting people in the world, I don't know who they are.

John Mayer And Jessica Simpson Have Split

Perez is reporting exclusively that John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have ended their relationship. Says Perez's "well-placed" source (aka the voice in his own head):

They officially called it quits this past weekend. They'd been having problems for a while now and just decided it'd be better to end things.

I wonder what kind of problems they were having. Were they pooing-in-the-bed related? Or did Mayer finally get sick of the one-sided conversations? Or was it a little of each:

John: "I was reading Walter Isaacson's biography of Einstein. It's really interesting. Did you know Einstein was excluded from working on the Manhattan Project because the FBI wouldn't give him security clearance? It was because he'd endorsed so many radical groups. They considered him too much of a risk..."

Jessica: "Poop."

John: "What snookums?"

Jessica: "Poopy."

John: "Oh, god damn it. Not again. Fuck. The bathroom's like five steps away..."

Jessica: "Poopy..."

John: "Don't do it. God damn it don't you do it..."

Jessica: "Poopy on John's face. Funny!"

John: "You stupid fucking cunt..."

Jessica: "John mean. Jessica tell Papa Joe."

John: "I'm sorry snookums. I didn't mean to yell. It's just...it ain't cool when you shit in your hand and throw it at my face..."

Jessica: "John look funny. Poop on face."

John: "Yeah, I look like a shitfaced Al Jolson. Ha fucking ha..."

Looks like John and Jess are both back on the market. Too bad they couldn't make it work out. They were almost amusing, sometimes.

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Amy Winehouse Gives Me The Willies

Singer Amy Winehouse and her fiance Blake Civil-Fielder hit the pool together. I don't know about you, but after those two have gone in for a dip, I ain't going anywhere near that water. Can you imagine how much fake hair there would be floating in it? And pieces of skin that have dropped off? And syringes? And God only knows what other fluids and secretions? I'm getting sick just thinking about it.

Ice T And Coco Booted In Favor Of Duff Girls

Rapper Ice T and his woman Coco were hit with the ultimate diss the other evening at the Maxim Hot 100 Party at Ono in the Gavensoort Hotel - when they were booted from their table in favor of Hilary and Haylie Duff. Not surprisingly, Ice T was said to be "pissed" about the slight. Somehow he managed to control himself, however, and not whip out a gat and start spraying the crowd Sean Combs-fashion. Guess he's a more mellow Ice T, after all these years.

(source)

Mischa Barton's Boob Is Also Sad

Mischa Barton's boob came out of her dress for some reason while she was trying to enter London's Boujis Club. Mischa - you're going into the club to have a good time. Why do you look like the FedEx man just ran over your puppy? And if you did in fact do the boob thing on purpose - seriously Mischa, do you honestly think anyone cares about seeing your boob? Is having your boob flop out of your dress going to sell one pair of Keds, or make Cisco Adler come back to you, or cause people to forget that you're nothing but a frivolous, untalented, dope-smoking idiot? I don't think so.

Jessica Simpson Hates Deformed Babies

Pop-star Jessica Simpson was once a visible spokeswoman for Operation Smile, a charity organization that helps disadvantaged kids with facial deformities get reconstructive surgery. Recently, however, Jessica has completely cut herself off from the group - and people are beginning to grumble that Jess's participation was only about making herself look good.

The subject of Simpson's mysterious absence from Operation Smile events came up the other night at a big benefit for the organization. Said one person to Page 6:

She's turned her back on them. She got a lot of good publicity from the charity but refused to let pictures of her be in the commemorative book and hasn't done anything with them in a year.

A rep for Queen Poopypants begs to differ however:

[Jess was honored at a recent UNESCO event] partly for her work with Operation Smile. Jess was one of four honorees for her philanthropic work. She sang two songs, and the event raised about $3 million to build schools all over the world.

She sang two songs? Fuck, she's practically Jesus now. And please, don't give me some bullpoo about how that event raised $3 million to build schools. It would've raised that with or without Jessica. Hell, it might've raised more, had the stink of her poopy diaper not chased half the crowd away. Plus, the way these shady charities work, most of that $3 million probably wound up in some Swiss account, and is currently paying for some rich piece of Euro-trash to have ice sculptures that pee champagne at his trophy wife's 18th birthday party. Face it, Jessica hooked up with Operation Smile because she thought it would help her image - but she got bored with it and quit. Besides, she's got better things to do now - like redecorate her and John Mayers' hotel rooms by crapping in her hand and chucking it at the wall (while giggling).

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Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself, Chris

Christopher Hitchens makes Crabbie hard in a whole different way.

God may not be great Chris, but you are (my little rotty-toothed liquor-swilling Brit former Trotskyite - give us a hug, willya?)

Breaking News: Perez Hilton Almost Makes Fun Of Paris

Is the vaunted love-affair between Paris Hilton and her trained poodle, gossip writer Mario Lavandeira aka Perez Hilton aka the person I allegedly wish I was, now over? Seems that way, what with Perez posting the following almost-amusing piece:

Paris Hilton is going to jail and she's done fighting that harsh reality.

On Thursday, the heiress' lawyers have decided to no longer pursue an appeal.

The L.A. Sheriff's department also announced this week that they are cutting down Hilton's prison sentence to 23 days, which she's expected to begin no later than June 5th.

No hair extensions allowed!

True it's lame, but then Perez almost always is. The important thing is that he actually sort of made fun of Paris. Maybe she forgot to pay him this month?

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Drew And Cam Enjoy Themselves

That was some good shit, huh girls?

Marilyn Manson Wanted To Kill Himself. Unfortunately, Something Stopped Him.

Crock-rocker Marilyn Manson is blubbering to anyone who'll listen about the horrible turmoil he suffered before breaking up with ex-wife Dita Von Teese. Said the ass-faced charlatan to the Observer:

Really, I haven't left my house in a year. I shut myself, literally, out of being with people . . . I didn't want to live. When you want to die, you at least have a goal. ... [Dita] didn't understand the amount of pain I went through.

Sorry Marilyn, but Dita did understand - and that's why she left. Because, contrary to what you may believe, everyone in the world isn't as consumed with your pain as you are. Dita had better things to do than watch you sit there moaning and bellyaching about how much you hurt. That isn't callous disregard for your feelings Marilyn - it's being fed-up with someone who is obviously a whining, self-absorbed little fuckhead. People like you are sickening - you spend your days spewing and blubbering about how much you hurt, then expect everyone else to always be "understanding," or in other words, pity you as much as you pity yourself. Dita did the only thing she could under the circumstances - extricate herself from a situation that she, being mature and intelligent, realized was never going to change. See Marilyn, it's like this - love isn't when someone worships you, it's when two people want to be with one other, and share the road of life (and all the bumps too). But you wanted Dita to be some kind of supplicant - you wanted her to take your silly pain as seriously as you take it, and construct her entire life around satisfying your imbecilic needs. Maybe she was willing to do that, for awhile, in hopes that you'd eventually grow the fuck up and become a real man. But she finally saw that this was never going to happen, and skedaddled. And you have no one to blame but yourself, Marilyn, for turning your entire existence into an on-going wallow in whatever mundane miseries you've experienced - miseries you've blown up to cosmic proportions, because for an egomaniac like you, every tiny insult and slight must be treated as though the very universe is quaking at it. What you suffer from isn't pain Marilyn, it's narcissism and emotional retardation. And when you talk about wanting to die, and say that at least if you're trying to die you have a goal? Yeah - you need to try harder to achieve your goals, Marilyn. Really, put your back into it next time. I know you can do it, freak.

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Lohan/Best Dust-Up

Lindsay Lohan's relationship with Calum Best may already be hitting the skids. According to Page 6, the couple had a prolonged and quite public row at the Soho Grand in New York Monday night, which featured the two screaming back and forth at each other, and Calum's clothes becoming torn. Witnesses say they began fighting in the penthouse, then came down to the lobby and continued going at each other before getting into the elevator together and returning to their room. The unpleasantness is believed to have been touched off by Lindsay's realization that Calum is in fact a one-hundred-percent gold-plated dirtbag. Page 6's ubiquitous spies had Calum collecting the phone numbers of models at Cipriani Downtown Sunday night, where he was supposed to be partying with Lohan. Lindsay, in typical fashion, then gained a measure of revenge on Calum by spurning him in favor of her friends at the club Stereo Tuesday night. Those friends of Lindsay's, by the way, would just as soon see Calum disappear. One of them was reportedly overheard accusing Calum of "using" Lindsay, ostensibly for publicity purposes.

One forgets sometimes - mostly because she looks about forty - that Lindsay is still not even 21. Yes, she's put in a lot of nights on the party circuit and what-not, but that sort of experience does not necessarily add up to worldly wisdom. Calum, on the other hand, is in his late 20s, and obviously knows exactly what he's doing. If he is using Lindsay, it's possible that she doesn't see it - or if she does see it, is not really equipped to deal with it. Getting back at someone by shunning them in favor of your friends is the way a petulant teenager deals with that sort of thing - a grown, experienced woman would've long-since learned more effective ploys. It seems that Lindsay has simply roped herself a shameless user who cares nothing about her, and indeed, is amusing himself by publicly trying to embarrass her. No doubt, the turmoil related to this soon-to-be-broken relationship will serve as the impetus for yet another downward Lohan spiral, a coke binge, some public drinking and semi-nudity, etc., All we can hope is that there are photographers present.

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Britney Hos It Up

When did Britney turn into Brooke Hogan?

Chloe And Jake At Cannes

Chloe Sevigny and Jake Gyllenhaal are in Cannes on behalf of their movie Zodiac, which is showing in competition. Chloe, as usual, looks like an idiot. Oh, a big gold scorpion - cause the movie's called Zodiac. Gosh, you're so clever Chloe. Where the hell do you have your hand, by the way? Ew - give it up Chloe. Do you really think Jake wants you grabbing him? He wouldn't fuck you even if he did like girls.

Ice T And Coco - America's Favorite Dimbulbs

Ice T and Coco at the Maxim Hot 100 Party. At what point in Ice T's life will he figure out that making tough-guy faces only causes him to seem constipated? And Coco - what are you doing wasting your time at the Maxim Hot 100 party with that silly old fart Ice T? There are Venezuelan villagers who need shelter, Coco. Go help them.

Toni Collette At Cannes

Toni Collette walks the red carpet at Cannes. Toni was fabulous in Little Miss Sunshine, even though it was kind of a thankless role (she didn't have a particularly funny part like Kinnear or Arkin). In fact, Toni is almost always fabulous. There's probably not an actress out there who exudes realness more naturally. Sorry, but I don't have anything mean or nasty or snarky to say about her.

Jude And Norah Do Cannes

Jude Law and Norah Jones arrive for the Cannes opening-night showing of their movie My Blueberry Nights. Norah Jones is in a movie now - hopefully she won't sing in it, otherwise the whole audience will nod off. And Jude - yeah, Jude got a taste of that already. Now he's pointing out women in the crowd that he's fucked. Randy sumbitch.

My Blueberry Nights, for the record, is a new movie by director Wong Kar-Wai. Kar-Wai is a Hong Kong fellow who makes these ravishing art-films that seem to go on forever with nothing happening. In the Mood For Love was his big masterpiece, and I have to say, it's kind of swoony (and I mean that as a compliment, so all you movie-snots can abstain from ripping me, 'kay?). Plus it had Tony Leung Chiu Wai in it - that's the hot Tony Leung, for those who get their Tony Leungs mixed up. This new one by Wong, however, is not impressing the critics. Irascible old Jeffrey Wells titled his review "My Blueberry Blahs" which apparently sums it up. Maybe they should've cast Sienna Miller instead of silly Norah Jones - would've lent the movie a nice meta-tension, given Sienna and Jude's history, plus there's a good chance they would've gotten back together, and frankly, I miss those two as a couple.

Bai Ling Does What Bai Ling Does

World-famous Chinese prostitute Bai Ling strikes a pose at Cannes. Bai's probably over there promoting some movie she's in, but I'm guessing she'll make some on the side too. In fact, Charlie Sheen has already been seen following her around, waving a ten (Yes, we know what Charlie can get for ten dolla - everyting he want).

Paris Hilton Will Serve At Least 23 Days

The Los Angeles Sheriff's Department has put an end to speculation that Paris Hilton could be processed and released from jail in less than 24 hours by announcing their intention to make her serve a minimum of 23 days. Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore says the decision was "reached after an evaluation of all factors, including the judge's written orders, the nature of her offense, and her lack of a criminal history," and reassures everyone that they will treat Paris "as we would any other."

Meanwhile, Paris's lawyers, though they've already filed a notice of appeal, are still in the process of putting together their final argument. If we lived in a perfect world ruled by a benevolent God, the lawyers would pull a Paris by neglecting to file the final appeal, probably because they were high, then blame the whole thing on Elliot Mintz. But we don't.

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Kathy Hilton's On-Going Spin-Job

Kathy Hilton is doing exactly what you would expect any rich mother of a spoiled, famous child to do if said child had just been sentenced to jail for her reckless and foolish behavior - she is trying her damndest to put a positive spin on the whole fiasco. Fortunately for Kathy, she has many friends willing to help her. Through her society connections she has become buds with some fairly eminent individuals - including Barbara Walters, who today on The View threw what remains of her credibility behind Hilton's efforts to distract people from the notion that her daughter deserves every ounce of misery currently being heaped upon her empty head.

Walters, at this point, has little to lose herself. People have ceased taking her seriously as a journalist - she is now little more than a punching bag for Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell. A few years ago, would Barbara have even allowed herself to get in the middle of such a sordid affair? Hard to say. Now, however, Barbara is basically a ratings whore - so it serves her interests to publicly wallow with the pigs. Which is exactly what she was doing when she regurgitated on-air the statement prepared by Kathy Hilton, which read in part:

We can only hope that something positive will come out of this. Hopefully the young people who look up to people like Paris can learn from this.

I'm certain the young people can learn from this, Kathy. Like they learned from Paris the proper way to wash a car, or how to call black people a vile word starting with "n."

If the young learn anything other than not to look up to fools like Paris Hilton at all, then they have derived no useful lesson from this affair. Of course, you can't expect Kathy Hilton to come out and say that - because then she would be admitting that her daughter is indeed an arrogant, filthy and otherwise worthless slut. And you wouldn't expect Barbara Walters to take this position either - she's friends with Kathy. Thankfully, there are others on The View not so hampered. Like Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who has never been shy about voicing her good-old-fashioned conservative views. In response to Hilton's statement, Hasselbeck said:

Whether they're looking up or looking down, they are looking at Paris. You want to discipline your child before the criminal justice system does.

A little discipline would've done Paris a lot of good, Elisabeth. And a good dirty fucking would do your uptight ass a lot of good - but that's beside the point. What matters here is the notion that Paris ever was genuinely a role model - a frightening prospect for society, if you ask me. One would hope that even the misguided young would not be so wayward as to follow the example of a pinheaded, morally stunted human petrie-dish like Hilton. But you just know they do - which is why I sometimes think about sticking my head in the oven.

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Britney To Mother Lynne - "Y'all Are Dead To Me."

Britney Spears has evidently cut the cord entirely between herself and mother Lynne, who Britney has described as "the stage mom from hell."

Britney, who is currently sort of on-tour, is so fed up with Lynne that, reportedly, she neglected to call her on her 52nd birthday earlier this month. Then, over Mother's Day, when Lynne was in the hospital with a bout of pneumonia, Britney refused to visit or even call her to wish her well.

The current unpleasantness between Britney and Lynne is believed to stem from Britney's well-publicized rehab trip earlier this year. It is Britney's contention that postpartum depression was to blame for her erratic behavior, but Lynne and since-fired manager Larry Rudolph insisted she seek drug and alcohol treatment. Friends say Britney refuses to forgive Lynne for this "betrayal."

So Lynne Spears has been officially exiled from Britney's support group, to be replaced by her cousin Alli, who has become a familiar presence in Britney's paparazzi photos. I hope, however, that Alli is paying close attention to these stories about Britney and her mother. These are two people who had as tight a bond as you can have, and yet resentment and downright anger corroded those ties - and now Britney is so mad at Lynne that, even though Lynne could've been dying in that hospital, she wouldn't even pick up a phone and call to see how she was doing. Her own mother she treats this way - and how will she treat you, Alli, if she decides that you have "betrayed" her too? Clearly, Britney has become delusional and paranoid. And people in that state will lash out irrationally even against those who are trying to help them most. In the end, it's unlikely Britney will have anyone left in her life except sycophants and yes-people. Of course, even the ass-kissers won't stick around forever - as soon as the gravy train stops rolling they'll be out of there.

I don't need to point out, do I, the current state of the Britney gravy train?

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Charlize Theron, High Again

Oscar-winning pothead Charlize Theron gave passing pedestrians something to talk about Monday night when, outside New York restaurant La Esquina, she began inexplicably catwalking up and down the sidewalk. Theron kept up the act for almost five minutes, according to one witness - but on-lookers reportedly became tired of Charlize's display after awhile, and began chatting instead about Penelope Cruz, who was allegedly inside the eatery at the same time.

No, we are not shocked that Charlize Theron is in fact a lunatic. Remember, this is the chick who got her first acting gig after a casting director witnessed her throwing a temper tantrum in a bank. And of course we haven't forgotten about the whole unpleasantness concerning her mother, her mean-ass father and the guns, have we? Charlize is a marvelous actress and a true beauty, but girl has snakes in her head. Big nasty writhing green snakes that only pot can tame.

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Jerry Falwell Is Dead. Thousands Already Lining Up To Piss On His Grave.

Homophobic bigot shitheap Jerry Falwell is dead. The closeted gay bastard ass-eating probable child molester was discovered unresponsive in his office today and taken to the hospital, but the tiny shriveled-up piece of turd that was his heart could no longer be made to beat. If there is any justice in the world, Falwell's body is, even as we speak, being violated in unspeakable ways. At times like this, Crabbie wishes he believed in hell - because then he could hope for Falwell to end up there, and be tied to a wall and ass-raped by men with flaming hot pokers for dicks until the end of time.

Good riddance to a true steaming pile of excrement.

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Robbie Williams Talks To The Dead

Pop-star Robbie Williams, perhaps looking for some nice quiet-time in a mental home, is claiming on his blog that he possesses psychic abilities, and that he's used them to communicate with his dead hero Frank Sinatra. Writes Williams about this and other weird manifestations:

I like to play my "Swing While You're Winning " album when I'm at home and Frank approves. He was there when I made it. ... I think I do have powers. I've seen things. My sister's dog jumping at her feet when it had passed away years before. Green lights coming in at my window, too.

Sorry Robbie, but that dog wasn't your sister's dead one - it was another dog that looked just like it, and you were high and thought it was the dead one. That sort of stuff happens. And as for the green lights - we all know what you really mean when you say that, Robbie. Just replace "green lights" with "three hairy guys in assless leather pants." You lucky fuck.

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Calum Best - Scummy Enough For Lohan

A model named Sara Kova has told Rush & Molloy that Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend Calum Best dry-humped and kissed her outside a bathroom at the opening of the the Cove at Atlantis in the Bahamas. This is only news because, according to Kova, the incident happened just last Friday, with Lohan literally in the next room. Says Kova:

I was walking to the ladies' room when I passed him walking from the men's room. He gave me a smile. Then he put his hands on my hips and turned me toward the wall, like he was a cop who was about to frisk me. He held my hands so my booty would be pressed against his … well, his crotch.

I turned to move away. Then he grabbed by jaw and planted a kiss. I giggled. Okay, I might have been a little intoxicated. But I was also shocked. I didn't know this guy's name. The whole time, no words were spoken. Finally, I walked away. After I came out of the bathroom, I went back to the main room, and saw this same guy kissing Lindsay Lohan. She was kind of straddling him. I said to myself, "What just happened here?"

I don't know what just happened Sara, but if I were you, I'd make sure my shots are up to date. Cause you just got felt and face-sucked by Calum Best, who is currently having sex with Lindsay Lohan, who is perhaps the most revolting, disease-ridden person on the face of the earth (now that Anna Nicole is no longer with us). However, judging by your appearance Sara, you're probably used to being molested by strangers and infected with their various social diseases. I do like the way you tried to play this however - attempting coyness with your "well, his crotch" line, and insisting that you were "shocked" by the whole thing. I seriously doubt, however, that anything shocks you Sara. Calum could've butt-fucked you right there on the floor, then invited his midget friends to crawl inside your vagina and have a tea party, and that wouldn't have even been the craziest thing that happened to you that day.

Oh, and as for Lindsay - I think she'll probably be able to handle the emotional stress of Best's apparent womanizing creepiness. Especially considering the fact that, about ten minutes after Best got done with this Kova bitch, she ran into Kova herself, and did more or less the same thing.

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Britney's Drunken Couch Romp

Britney Spears can tell people she's off the sauce, but she's obviously lying through her teeth. According to Page 6's Cindy Adams, Britney was at Teddy's this weekend, at a party for some kind of West Coast promotion group - and despite the best efforts of security guards to block off the area, witnesses saw Britney and some of her friends jumping up and down on a couch in their underwear. Of course, this doesn't prove that Britney was drinking - Tom Cruise doesn't drink much that we know of, and he still went crazy on Oprah's furniture. Maybe Britney is also in love with Katie Holmes? Um...no. Britney was drunk. A waitress was reportedly told to bring the pop-slut a Red Bull, but witnesses saw her swilling liquor that others in her party had ordered. Tricky Britney. But we're not fooled - she's as big a drunk-ass ho as she was before rehab. Her current comeback "tour" is sure to be derailed by her partying and wackiness, no matter how hard her cousin Allie works to keep her shit together. First you're jumping on a couch, then you're shaving your head and screaming that you're the anti-Christ. Then you're joining Scientology and, well, it's pretty much over.

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Justin Timberlake Has His Hos Flown In

Justin Timberlake is rich and famous man. Which means that, when he gets the itch, he doesn't just look for some local poon - he has a high-class Hollywood bitch flown in for his personal use.

In this case, the high-class tail belonged to Jessica Biel, a woman long-linked to Timberlake, and more recently to human growth hormones (Have you seen the guns on this girl? She should do Over the Top 2 with Stallone). According to the Daily Mirror, Timberlake, who is currently on-tour in the UK, had Jessica jetted in so she could join him for dinner at a chicken joint in Manchester, then enjoy a Manchester United soccer match with him. Later, Jessica reportedly bench-pressed Timberlake, wowing on-lookers. Sorry but I just can't get over Biel's guns. What the fuck possesses a woman to want to look like that? Any man who finds that sexy is only fooling himself that he's a heterosexual. And we all know that Timberlake has been fooling himself about that for a long time.

Biel, I should think, represents the best of both worlds for a guy like Justin. When she wraps her powerful arms around him, it makes him feel safe and secure. But she also has a vagina - presumably - which comes in handy for those moments when Justin feels like putting his dick someplace other than some man's hairy ass. That's what you call a win-win, if I'm not mistaken.

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Calum Best Is A Loser

Calum Best may think he's hit the jackpot by gaining access to Lindsay Lohan's semi-restricted poon, but as the well-known Lothario and otherwise useless individual discovered in the Bahamas this weekend, getting Hollywood nookie doesn't necessarily mean getting respect.

Calum, who was once caught having public sex with Elizabeth Jagger, was at the club Aura with "girlfriend" Lindsay when he left their VIP section to go and take a tinkle. Unfortunately for Calum, the security guard there didn't notice him leaving - and when he tried getting back into the VIP section, the guard, quite reasonably, forbade him entrance. Calum's response was predictable - he started screaming like the bitch he is, proclaiming his connection to Ms. Lohan. The guard, however, was having none of it. This might have gone on forever had one of Lindsay's minions not shown up to assure the guard Calum was indeed one of the beautiful people after all, at which point the guard relented. Calum, according to witnesses, seemed pleased with himself as he crossed the invisible line between loserdom and marvelousness, shooting the guard an "I told you so" look.

How funny would it have been, though, had Lindsay just decided to leave poor old Calum hanging? He would've probably still been there the next day, voice gone hoarse from screaming. And a week later, dehydrated, with stubble on his face and reeking of piss and shit. After a few months there would've been just a decomposed corpse, and people stepping over it on their way to the bar.

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Paris Hilton Is Losing Her Mind

Paris Hilton is "emotionally distraught and traumatized" since being handed a 45-day jail sentence by judge Michael Sauer. So says Paris's shrink Dr. Charles Sophy, who has asked the judge in another Paris-related legal matter to excuse the heiress from court.

The other legal matter, a somewhat less serious one from Paris's point-of-view, is a civil suit that has been brought against her by diamond heiress Zeta Graff, who claims Paris spread vicious lies about her that were reprinted in the New York Post (that paper spreads no other variety of lie I assure you). Paris was supposed to appear in court for that on May 21, but the judge has pushed the date back to August 22 to accommodate the mentally anguished Ms. Hilton.

And here is a picture of Ms. Hilton, taken this weekend. Judge for yourselves whether you think she's showing any mental strain:



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Madonna Directing

Madonna, decked out in what appears to be a Soviet-era military hat, gets behind the camera for her first directorial effort, something called Filth and Wisdom. Yes, Madonna is directing a movie - because that's what you get to do when you're rich and delusional. To Madonna's credit, however, the movie is not some big self-indulgent epic - in fact it's described as a low-budget comedy. She's decided to start small and work her way up to the self-indulgence. Which is good. Although, I don't know if I would've gone the comedy route were I Madonna. She doesn't a have a great history with that particular genre. Or any other genre, actually.

Kidman On The Set Of "Australia"

Nicole Kidman is snapped on the set of her new movie Australia. At least I think that's Nicole - by that picture it could be some broad with a mouth deformity who happens to be decked out in period duds.



Australia, according to IMDb, "is set in northern Australia prior to World War II, and centers on an English aristocrat (Kidman) who inherits a ranch the size of Maryland. When English cattle barons plot to take her land, she reluctantly joins forces with a rough-hewn cattle driver (Hugh Jackman) to drive 2,000 head of cattle across hundreds of miles of the country's most unforgiving land, only to still face the bombing of Darwin, Australia, by the Japanese forces that had attacked Pearl Harbor only months earlier."

Great - so it's like City Slickers with some bombing at the end (unlike City Slickers 2 which had the bombing all throughout). I'm sorry, but I'm not on the Baz Luhrmann bandwagon. I'm the only gay person on earth who thought Moulin Rouge was a tedious piece of shit. Plus the plot of that was just a rip-off of Camille, and I'm sorry, but in Crabbie's world the one person you don't fuck with is Garbo. Sorry Nicole, but you're no Greta. And Baz Luhrmann is no George Cukor. He isn't even Clarence Brown.

Sienna And Jamie In New York

Sienna Miller must be on a break from filming The Best Time Of Our Lives, cause here she is in New York with boy-toy Jamie Burke. Um - Burke isn't trying to bring grunge back, is he? Crabbie was so happy when the Paul Bunyan thing finally went away - please tell me it's not retro-grunge time already. There needs to be some rule about that shit - no retro movements for at least thirty years. "I'm a grungerjack and I'm okay, I drug all night and I snooze all day. I sleep with hookers, I play bad music, I shop at Army/Navy. I wish Courtney Love would shoot my face off, just like she did to Kurt Cobain-ey..."

Nick And Vanessa Hit The Beach

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are on vacation in the Bahamas. I kind of like Vanessa like that - she's like some wild native chick Lachey found aimlessly roaming the beach and fixed up with a 'kini. I notice they're both drinking too. Fine for Nick, but Vanessa? We know how she gets when she's wasted.

Hmm...Nick is looking pretty buff. I really wish I got a gay vibe off him but I don't. He seems firmly in the hetero camp. Vanessa, on the other hand, could turn lez at any second. With or without alcohol.

Christina Takes Her Mom Out To Eat

Orange-tinted pop-slut Christina Aguilera takes her dowdy mom out to eat at the Ivy in L.A. Christ Aguilera - couldn't you fix your mom up with some duds at least? She looks like Roseanne Barr when she was still a mouthy waitress with only one personality. It was Mother's Day - yeah, take her out to eat, buy her flowers, but swing by Rodeo with her too, why don't you? And while you're at it, do you think you could do something about your face? That skin-tone looks about as natural as Christopher's did last night when he was laid out for his wake. Oh, did I just spoil The Sopranos for people who haven't watched it yet? Sorry.

Paris Discovers God

Paris Hilton prevailed upon Arnold Schwarzenegger to get her out of serving jail-time, but since Arnold rebuffed her, she's had to appeal to a higher authority still - the Almighty Himself. Yes, Paris has discovered the Lord - or, at least, she's discovered throwing on a white dress (before Memorial Day?) and going to church. And Paris's friends say she's actually been praying. This sudden, rather predictable religious turn has not changed Paris entirely, however. She still hasn't developed any good Christian humility, as her jewelry attests:



Unless the "P" stands for "pious."

Skinny Ricki

Ricki Lake, desperate for someone to give a damn about her, is trying the Oprah/Kirstie Alley weight-loss ploy. I think this is a huge mistake though. Before, Ricki was a hero to fat girls - she made obese young women around America think to themselves, "Maybe someday I too can be semi-amusing in one John Waters movie, and parlay this into a whole career being insufferable and lame." But now Ricki is just another thin, fugly bitch in a pair of big dumb sunglasses. And she isn't even trainwreck amusing like Nicole Richie.

Calum Best Pulls Down Lindsay's Top; Lindsay Gives Another Little Kid A Boner

"Oh my God. Calum just pulled down my top! Hands to yourself, rapscallion!"



What is this thing Lohan has for little kids? Freaking child molester. Throw the bitch in jail!

Candy Spelling - The Voice Of Reason?

Candy Spelling has written an open letter to Paris Hilton via TMZ. I'm not exactly sure what Candy's motives are, other than getting herself publicity, but whatever Candy thinks she can get out of the whole thing, she has at least attempted to add a sane and reasonable voice to the chorus of folks now trying to advise Paris. Candy's letter is re-printed in toto:

Dear Paris,

As someone who has known you for most of your life, I pay special attention to your press coverage. (Apparently, I'm not alone, based on the responses every word about you creates on TMZ.com and elsewhere.)

Paris, I'm very worried about you. The last week has not only been an obvious roller-coaster for you emotionally, but your strategy went from blaming employees and stating silly excuses like, "I don't read," to your new lawyer's tactic to have you sound mature and take some responsibility. In between, the paparazzi continue to follow you shopping and taking self-defense classes (to protect yourself in prison?), and some over-zealous friends staged embarrassing protests (three people?), and wasted taxpayer funds with a petition to pardon you.

People who are rich and famous are not treated like "regular" people, even though you claim to now be just like everyone else. In most situations, your privileged life works to your benefit. You have opportunities, access and resources like few others; and, frankly, you can get away with more bad behavior and excuses than most people could even imagine. However, as the real possibility of jail approaches -- whether it's 21 days or 45 or whatever the latest report is -- it's time to get real. It's time to find "a Paris" somewhere between "heiress" and a character on "The Simple Life." I know she's there, and I know she can be a good citizen and maturely face consequences other people would have to face under the same circumstances.

I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can't think of too much that would be worse. But since you let this happen, use the next couple of weeks preparing not only by publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates), but by looking around, realizing that you are not as truly entitled as your money implies. You are a young woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for infamy.

Best,

Candy Spelling

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Lohan Bikini Shots

Lindsay Lohan takes a couple days off from her hectic life of drugging and partying in America to drug and party - and frolic in the waves - in the Bahamas. And wear a stupid Britney-like lid and pose like an idiot. All right Lindsay, we know you know there are photographers - or do you know? Are you striking poses because you're aware you're being photographed, or is that just the way you behave naturally? Let's propose a hypothetical Lindsay: Say you're on a desert island thousands of miles from the nearest camera. Do you then begin behaving like a normal human being, or do you spend your days acting like life is one big Nylon magazine photoshoot? The drugs Lindsay - the drugs have fried your brain entirely, haven't they? Or maybe the drugs are the only thing standing between you and complete insanity. If you didn't snort coke in bathrooms, you would be in a looney bin - is that it Linds? Hurry, call Dina - she can use that one the next time she's interviewed by Entertainment Tonight.



This is what all the naughty little boys wanna see, right? The stuff that makes their little pubescent peckers rise and shine. A cokehead with bad skin and a swiftly-failing liver.

By the way, an individual with nothing better to do might want to check these Lohan bikini pics for signs of an appendectomy scar. Thankfully, Crabbie has nothing better to do...




It could be a scar, or it could just be a crease. Funny how the light in this pic shines right across it though - almost like God is trying to show us something.

(By the way Linds - you might want to have a look at this.)

Jessica Simpson Receives Commendation From U.N.

Jessica Simpson was in Germany this weekend participating in a UNESCO charity gala. Of course, these sorts of events always try to attract the biggest stars they can, for publicity purposes. And, to help insure that more stars will want to show up in the future, it's necessary to give out awards and commendations to these people, and stoke their little self-satisfied image of themselves. To that end, the UNESCO folks bestowed upon Jessica the above award, which looks like something I once scraped out of the back of my freezer (I was pretty sure it was dead, but just to be sure, I smashed it flat with a rolled-up copy of Vanity Fair). They also gave her a certificate recognizing her humanitarian work and conferring upon her the title "Patron For Tolerance." I personally had no idea that Jessica was such a world-renowned philanthropist. Yes, she did give that mini-van to those Mexican orphans - a mini-van she received for free, if I'm not mistaken, and took to Mexico herself so she could have her picture taken with the poor little wretches she was helping. I guess that's all it takes to be considered a great humanitarian by the U.N. That and a gigantic rack.

(By the way, nice senorita get-up Jessica. Last week she wanted to be black, this week Spanish - basically, Jessica's life is one huge game of ethnic-wannabe roulette.)

Leah Remini Says She's Not Trying To Convert Jennifer Lopez To Scientology

King of Queens star and known Scientologist Leah Remini has told People magazine that, contrary to rumors, she has never tried converting friend Jennifer Lopez to her crazy pseudo-religion. Said Remini when asked about her friendship with the saucy quasi-Latin music star:

Two girls can't hang out together? What does that have to do with religion? I just don't understand it. I would never question, "Such-and-such is hanging out. Does anybody know her religious beliefs? Because that's why they're probably hanging out together." She's a fabulous girl. I'm fabulous to hang out with. But it's like, "What could these two have in common? She must be trying to convert her!"

I could answer that question about what Ms. Remini and Ms. Lopez might seem to have in common besides fabulousness, but I've decided it's unseemly to mock the stupid.

Additionally, Ms. Remini discusses reports that she was pushing Scientology to Lopez as a means of helping with the singer's well-publicized fertility issues:

I read once that I was trying to get Jennifer to do Scientology because it helps with fertility. I don't know what that's about. That's bull – that we're sitting there at the Polo Lounge talking about fertility. I think Jennifer knows how to get pregnant.

Yes, Jennifer knows how to get pregnant - unfortunately her male companion Mr. Anthony appears to have an organ somewhat less useful than a wet noodle in achieving fertilization. Perhaps Remini should get Jennifer in touch with whoever knocked up Katie Holmes. That individual would seem to have quite adequate equipment.

Remini also talks about the amusement she derives from reading reports about herself and her beliefs:

That kind of stuff is funny. When I read that kind of stuff, I go, "that's not true! We weren't talking about that." Or that we believe in the aliens. My hairstylist believes in aliens. Why doesn't that get printed? She says she has been abducted a few times!

Why doesn't your hair-stylist's belief in aliens get reported Leah? Because she's a hair-stylist. Tabs normally don't do features on the convictions of people who cut hair for a living. They do, however, do features on the convictions of celebrities - especially when said celebrities are vocal about said beliefs. The problem, dear Leah, is not that you believe in Scientology - no one, in fact, cares what you believe. However, when you openly promote those beliefs, as you yourself have done, it then becomes an issue - just as it would if there were a Mormon celeb who went around promoting Mormonism. You have gone on talk-shows and discussed being a Scientologist - and have therefore forfeit the right to complain that others keep bringing the matter up. If you don't want it brought up then observe in private. Lots of celebs, believe it or not, worship in their chosen manner without ever making a big deal out of it. Scientologists, on the other hand, have a habit of putting their convictions on display - which makes them fair-game. For example, you and other Scientologists participated in the opening of the so-called Psychiatry: An Industry of Death museum, a facility founded for the purpose of spreading the opinion that modern psychiatry is in fact a plot to dominate the world, which counts among its architects no less infamous a personage than Adolf Hitler himself. Now, Leah - you really don't expect people to just ignore the fact that you believe psychiatrists were responsible for 9/11, do you? Or that psychiatrists caused the Holocaust and the Russian gulags? And if you don't want people to focus on those things, then why are you showing up at the museum opening? Why are you participating in publicizing these ideas? Seems you want to have your cake and eat it too Leah - you want to use your celebrity to spread your opinions, yet when it suits you, you want people to ignore your beliefs, and give as much attention to your hair-stylist. You seem quite confused and delusional, Leah. I would feel sorry for you if you didn't in fact sicken me.

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Hats Are A Family Thing For The Spearses

It wasn't enough for Britney to go around in a bunch of stupid hats - now she's begun slapping them on Sean Preston too. This isn't so bad, but imagine the outrage if Britney shaves his dome and starts dressing him in torn fishnets.

Tracy Morgan Is Up The Creek Of Poop, Sans Paddle

Tracy Morgan was once known as that one black guy on SNL, but now he's thought of as a mere drunken dirtbag who's on a one-way road to prison. Of course, drunken Tracy's not supposed to be drinking anymore - he violated his probation after a DUI bust (sound familiar) and has been sporting an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet ever since. Apparently Tracy hasn't gotten the message though - cause this morning in Miramar, Florida, he showed up at radio station The Big 105.9 for an appearance pretty much wasted (according to witnesses), then after that no-doubt hilarious affair, proceeded to the studio of sister station Mega 94.9 where, allegedly, he sexually assaulted a female DJ.

The apparent victim, Sandy Domingo (real name Yukelia DeCastro), claims Morgan grabbed her arms, kissed her and put his head in her lap - all without her consent. Domingo then filed a complaint with Miramar police, who are currently seeking Morgan, yet stress that they have no plans to arrest the actor. The real issue for Morgan, though, is the drinking. Domingo claims she smelled alcohol on Morgan's breath, and if he does indeed test positive for alcohol twice during the period he's being monitored, he will be sent to jail for 30 days.

Uh - is Paris Hilton listening to this? Cause sounds to me like girl's getting a raw deal. Morgan only has to wear the bracelet, and he has to get caught twice before he gets the slam - and even then it's only 30 days to her 45? I'm actually starting to think maybe Paris is being unfairly treated.

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Kirk Cameron Is An Ignoramus

This guy should get a job at Wal-Mart. He'd fit in well there.

Britney Ups The Ante Again

I'm thinking about starting a whole new blog where all I do is document Britney's fashion-related crimes against decency. Here's the latest. Um, I'm thinking those socks may have been stolen...from the locker room of the world's gayest basketball team. The hat I'm not even going to talk about; I'm so fucking sick of the hats. The outfit looks like something a hooker would wear to the gym - just don't stare at it too long or your rods or cones or whatever they call those things that let you see colors will wear out and everything will look like the Wall Street Journal. Oh, and if Johnny Knoxville were in a girlie mood - yup, he'd wear those glasses. Kill me now.

Maddox Learns About Freak-Love

Maddox Jolie-Pitt is lugged by uncle James Haven, with mommy Angelina striding alongside. Let's face it kids - if Angie had her way, James Haven would be Maddox and the other kids' adopted daddy, and they'd all live together in blissful incestuous ickiness.

John Travolta Accused Of Abusing Autistic Son

John Travolta's son Jett probably has autism. Nobody knows for sure, because Jett is never seen in public, and John and his wife Kelly Preston never talk about him. Which is of course their prerogative - it's their kid, and they can raise him any way they see fit. Of course, it's not that simple when you're a movie-star, and you openly support the anti-psychiatry pseudo-religion Scientology, as John and Kelly do.

Naturally, the Travoltas' belief in Scientology is assumed to be behind their reticence in discussing Jett's condition. In fact, according to Scientology, Jett does not have a disease at all - rather, he is infested with what are known as "body thetans," evil spirits whose mischief turns their hosts into "degraded beings," a Hubbardian euphemism for "crazy people." The assumption, by people who are not really that familiar with the situation I grant you, is that Scientology's wacked-out position on psychological disorders (basically that they don't exist) has prompted the Travoltas to neglect treating their son's autism. An unfair charge perhaps - or perhaps not, given the words of one neighbor of the Travoltas, who has spoken to Hollywood Interrupted about the affair.

Tim Kenny claims to have met John Travolta at Kenny's restaurant in Ocala, Florida, the town Mr. Travolta and his family call home. After comping Travolta's meal, Kenny decided to strike up a conversation with him; and since Kenny himself has a 4-year-old autistic child, he thought to ask Travolta about his own son Jett, whom he'd heard also suffers from the disorder. Travolta, however, was less-than-enthusiastic about discussing the topic. In fact, according to Kenny, Travolta merely muttered something about "involving Jett in the arts," then offered to send Kenny a book and scrammed at high-speed.

But why would Travolta react so violently to Kenny's query? Apparently, Travolta has become somewhat notorious in the Ocola area. He has refused to participate in autism-related charities, and once even demanded, successfully, that a fundraiser he agreed to show for no longer be billed as an autism event but one on behalf of "disabled children." But it's Travolta's treatment of Jett that has really gotten Tim Kenny and his wife Patricia's hackles up. Tim has even gone so far as to say he doesn't think "it's a stretch to call their treatment of Jett child abuse." Tim says that John and Kelly "let Jett sit in front of video games all day eating junk food, while they eat the best organic food money can buy. They exclude Jett from all social events because they are embarrassed." Tim also recounts an episode where Kelly took Jett to a movie and he started making a scene, and Kelly, too humiliated to deal with it herself, ordered the nanny to attend to the matter. And Tim also said the following about Jett's general condition:

Jett does not speak at all. He has not even been taught how to communicate. We struggle every week to pay for our daughter's therapy. How dare he [Travolta] ruin his own son's chances of recovering! We want to get the word out on this.

For the record, Kelly Preston claims Jett does not have autism at all, but rather a disease called Kawasaki Syndrome, a disorder believed by some to be caused by the chemicals in carpet cleaner. Of course, if Preston is true to her nutty Scientology, she shouldn't believe in Kawasaki Syndrome either should she? Or, at least, she should not view the disease as anything very serious. According to Scientology, the illnesses afflicting 9/11 workers can be cured by niacin treatments and roasting in saunas. So why don't they try this on Jett's Kawasaki Syndrome? If toxins are to blame, then Scientology detox should clear it up, right? Hmm...unless toxins aren't to blame. Or unless Scientology detox is a crock of shit. Or both.

At any rate, it appears the Travoltas are at least a bit embarrassed by their son's condition, which is rather sad. I don't, however, think they deserve criticism for "excluding Jett from all social events." If he has serious autism, he then has behavioral problems, and people in that condition really ought not be dragged out into public simply so their parents can make a show of not being embarrassed. That seems crueler than just leaving them home with the nanny. And as to the question of whether the Travoltas' treatment of Jett constitutes "abuse" - I guess that depends on whether you consider letting a kid play video games and chomp junk food abuse. Some people would call this a normal childhood. It seems that what the Kennys are mostly charging is that the Travoltas refuse to raise their child in a way they themselves consider fitting - which is all in the eye of the beholder, it seems to me.

But far be it from me to defend Travolta and Preston, who have opened themselves up to suspicion through their vocal support of Scientology, and its on-going crusade against modern psychiatry and, more specifically, the use of psychiatric drugs in treating conditions like depression. If a Scientologist has a child, and that child appears to be autistic, and it's known that Scientology rejects modern medical definitions of such a disorder, then it's natural that people are going to conclude the child is not being given proper treatment, and is perhaps even having his illness neglected. I'm not a doctor, but I do know that there are no such things as thetans, and that the term "degraded beings" reminds me a little too much of the Nazi euphemism for the mentally disabled - "inferiors." The Scientology approach to mental illness does seem, at the very least, lacking in compassion. So, even though the Kennys may come across a bit self-serving and too in love with their own outrage, we can't dismiss them entirely. Child Protective Services, it seems, should at least look into the affair. Probably, it will turn out that the Travoltas love their kid, and are doing all they can for him. From the outside, however, the whole thing does at least look suspicious. Yes, we all believe in religious freedom - but reasonable people don't believe religious freedom should be used as an excuse for neglect or even outright abuse.

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Correction: Crabbie didn't do enough homework and incorrectly characterized Kawasaki Syndrome as a neurological disorder.

Lindsay Lohan Gives 8-Year-Olds Boners

It's not "Lindsey" idiots.

Britney's New Look

Britney Spears goes out with a towel wrapped around her chin and neck. This is what Britney comes up with when she decides to screw with everyone. "Hey, look at me, I'm so wacky y'all." She's really sticking it to those paps, isn't she? Gosh, next she'll probably have a red bandanna hanging out the back of her pants, or a piece of gum stuck to her cheek, or she'll walk out carrying Sean Preston upside-down by the foot. Actually, I think she already does that last one all the time. But you get my drift.

Nick And Vanessa Save An Old Man

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are being hailed as heroes after rescuing a poor old duffer from their condo who collapsed in front of them.

According to the Enquirer, the unnamed old fart fell to the floor after exiting an elevator, but rather than annoyedly step over the dying coot like Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis would've done, Nick and Vanessa leapt to his aid. Nick, says the tab, took the old man's keys and ran up to his room to get his heart medication, while Vanessa got on her cell and dialed 911. Nick returned in a jiff and fed the old man his pill, then he and Vanessa stayed with him until the ambulance arrived.

The old man was kept in the hospital overnight for observation and released. Reportedly, this very same individual actually resisted Nick and Vanessa being allowed to live in the condo, thinking they would have wild parties all the time. But now the coot has cooled in his attitude, and refers to them as his heroes.

Aw, ain't that sweet - Nick and Vanessa are life-savers. Gosh, Jessica Simpson must be green with envy over this one. Now she'll probably start dragging poor old John Mayer around to retirement homes hoping some old person has a heart attack in front of them. Of course, if that actually did happen, Jessica would probably just poop her pants and run.

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Pete Doherty's Art Is Bloody Awful

Pete Doherty has his own art exhibition opening on Notting Hill in London, featuring works like the above, which is a sketch Pete did of himself then spattered with blood. So this is how it works if you're a wanker like Doherty - I do a sketch of myself, it's just some piffle; but if I then cut myself open and drip blood onto it, it's a freaking masterpiece.

Hate to break it to you Pete, but no - it's still piffle, but now it has a bunch of blood on it. Unfortunately, 90% of the art world is as wankery and lame as Doherty. Said Robin Barton of the Bankrobber gallery (where Pete's art is being shown):

His use of blood lends itself perfectly to exploring the extraordinary personal and physical intensity that characterises so much of Peter’s life and work as an artist in the broadest sense.

Oh, really? Cause I thought it was just crap + blood. But, I'm not an "art expert" like Robin Barton. Of course, "art experts" like Mr. Barton have an agenda, don't they - they're part of the whole scam of modern art. Once upon a time, art used to be valued for its quality - which I realize is a subjective matter, but still, there used to be such things as aesthetic principles that people would apply in order to differentiate between the valid work and the bullshit. Then, many decades ago, rich people started buying modern art, whose whole underlying purpose was the annihilation of "stodgy" aesthetics. It didn't take the art sellers and gallery owners long to figure out that, since modern art is really wide-open, it would be very easy to portray almost any piece of shit as a masterpiece, hence convincing some idiot with lots of money and no brains that they should buy it and hang it up to impress their equally idiotic and wealthy friends. This became a racket, which certain art critics were more-than-willing to participate in (for a cut of the action). Now, any damn-fool with a paintbrush and an exacto knife can throw together some hunk of sub-art-school nonsense, then cut themselves and bleed on it, and dipshits will pay money for it because the blood gives it all this "meaning" which is really just off-the-rack smart-sounding bullcrap being recited by paid shills posing as experts.

I wonder what Van Gogh would think if he were alive today, and found out he didn't need to bother developing his technique, but could just paint some crap and then bleed on it and people would praise it for how it "explores the extraordinary personal and physical intensity" of his life. Hell, maybe we should splash some blood on some Van Goghs - then they'd really be art.



Dr. Gachet never looked so good.

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Another Day, Another Free Paris Petition

What's the hottest fad among wannabe celebs? Starting Free Paris Hilton petitions on MySpace. This trend is nearly as popular as mom-pants and big-ass sunglasses - and even more insufferable. The latest meathead to jump on the bandwagon is Spencer Pratt, who, I've been informed, was on an MTV reality-show called The Hills. And now he apparently thinks he's some kind of big deal - and is throwing all that imagined clout behind his effort to get his friend Paris Hilton off the hook.

Spencer, on his MySpace page, offers us the chance to sign an online petition, which he claims he will "hand-deliver" to Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa once he gets 100,000 signatures. Says Spencer of Paris's plight:

I've always thought that the punishment should fit the crime. Paris has changed her image dramatically over the last couple years. Now she is such a good role model and a smart business woman. So it's a shame that a miscommunication between her and her people is landing her in jail. She should get probation with community service, but no way should she be put in jail with real criminals.

Here's the talking-point that's been passed around to Paris's friends: Yes, Paris did something wrong and deserves to be punished, but it isn't right that she should be thrown in jail with "real criminals." Am I the only one who perceives the strong reek of elitism, not to mention racism, in that argument? Here's what I hear when these assholes make that point: "Paris is one of us - better than you common folk. When one of us messes up, it's a "misunderstanding" or a "miscommunication." We are not "real criminals" like all those poor (black) people in the county lock-up. We shouldn't be exposed to that sordidness. Do you know how filthy those regular (black) people are? They will probably rape her or beat her up - that's what animals like that do. People like us, however, never even think of doing those things. We are rich (and white), and therefore above such behaviors."

Forgetting, of course, that Paris Hilton has been filmed calling black people that word that starts with "n," and doing drugs, and is in fact more revolting in her personal conduct than a lot of people who are so-called "real criminals." The only difference between Paris and the folks already in jail is that Paris has people to cover things up for her. She's protected by her family's money. Or has been up till now. So Spencer Pratt and all the other rich assholes who keep defending Paris - shut your stupid fucking idiotic mouths. You only seem sleazy and arrogant and elitist when you say Paris shouldn't be subjected to the horrors of "real jail," which is a euphemism for "icky place full of people who've never shopped at Barneys or been to Monte Carlo." There's a reason people hate the rich, and especially people like Paris who flaunt it the way they do. The whore deserves every second of misery and fear that's coming her way. And no, she's not going to get raped in jail - she'll be kept in a special pen away from the general population. You know that as well as I do. So shut the fuck up, Spencer, you steaming pile of hippo-dung.

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Robbie Williams Attacks Ex-Lover - On-Line

Robbie Williams has joined the growing list of celebs using on-line forums as a means of airing their dirty laundry in public. In Williams's case, it's a former lover on the receiving end. The woman, named Tina, apparently slept with Robbie a couple of times, then unexpectedly revealed that she already had a boyfriend. Predictably, Robbie did not take this news well. So he composed some angry messages to the woman and posted them on his blog (picture Robbie Williams hammering at the keys with his hairy knuckles). A sampling of Robbie's venom:

You have completely blown any trust I had for you. ... If I knew my girlfriend had been on a dinner and DVD night with another man I would be livid. I'm furious thinking about!!!!!!! And it happened weeks ago. ... I was pissed off for all of 20 minutes...I liked her and I expect more from her and women in general.

Sounds like Robbie's a little confused. He can't decide if he was pissed off for twenty minutes or several weeks. Is he even talking about the same woman at the beginning and end? This shit is incoherent. I wish I could find the blog it was originally posted at. I'd like to read more of Robbie's insane ranting. It's much more entertaining than Haylie Duff and Kim Kardashian calling each other names over MySpace.

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Angelina Had Shiloh For Brad

Angelina Jolie has revealed in an interview with Reader's Digest that she was initially averse to the idea of having biological children, but changed her mind because of how cute Brad Pitt looked with Maddox and Zahara. Said Angelina:

Before I met Brad, I always said I was happy never to have a child biologically. He told me he hadn't given up that thought. Then, a few months after Z came home, I saw Brad with her and Mad, and I realized how much he loved him, that a biological child would not in any way be a threat. So I said, "I want to try."

Sure Angie - you looked at Brad and the kids, mostly Brad, and thought, "Hmm, I'd really like to be impregnated by him." Who wouldn't, Angelina.

And how nice of you to put aside your fears that a bio-child would somehow be a threat to...what exactly was the bio-child supposed to be a threat to? I don't think you really explained that. You just said, "I realized ... that a biological child would not in any way be a threat." I don't know, seems kind of creepy to me - a woman with a healthy reproductive system feeling threatened by the thought of a biological child. Your concerns don't spring somehow from some crazy image you have of yourself, do they Angelina? You know, the old "my body's a temple" thing. The tattoos and cutting would seem to indicate that you do not have what would be considered a normal relationship with your own flesh. So the idea of having a baby inside you - what, you saw that as some violation of the sanctity of your temple-body? Most women, I think, view having that kid inside them as a marvelous, final consummation of their womanhood - a chance to genuinely be in touch with themselves. But not you, special, sanctified creature that you are. Still, you did get past your weird-ass complex for Brad's sake - that must mean you really love him. Or are just desperate to hang onto him, and figured giving him a kid would buy you some time.

Here are some other bits from Angie's big Reader's Digest interview:

On she and Brad's new life as parents of a giant brood:

I met this amazing person, and we realized we had very similar views on how we wanted to live our lives. It's happened quickly, with so many children. Yesterday, picking up the kids from school, Brad turned around in the car, and there were three of them. He couldn't stop laughing.

He couldn't stop laughing - and wondering where the three kids in the back of the freaking car came from. He has memory problems.

On maintaining the racial balance in the household:

As kids get older, it's harder for them to be adopted. ... Something changed for me with Shiloh. We had Mad and Z, and neither looked like Mommy or Daddy. Then suddenly somebody in the house looked like Mommy and Daddy. It became clear to us that it might be important to have somebody around who is similar to the other children so they have a connection. Mad's very excited that his brother is from Asia.

Course, Mad wouldn't even think of his brother as being "from Asia" if you hadn't told him he was "from Asia." And what if Mad's brother had been "from Wichita" instead? Would Mad have kicked him in the head rather than befriend him? Does Mad have some aversion to round-eyed people? "Don't look at me round-eye, or I call on all my ancestors to make your pee-pee turn blue and worms crawl from your nostrils."

On making time for her and Brad:

Right now, that's our problem! We hang out. We try to talk over the swing set. We'll have a date night once everybody is settled. ... Especially now with Pax, he still gets scared if I'm gone more than a few hours. But we'll get them occupied with a movie and popcorn and try to run off and lock the door for a bit.

Oh, Pax gets scared if you're gone more than a few hours. That's what really gets you off, isn't it Angelina? Him needing you that bad. You want all of them to behave that way - like dogs that slobber and go crazy every time you come through the door. Especially Brad. Unfortunately, he's a grown man with his own mind. He doesn't slobber enough for you. So you take little jabs at him whenever you get the chance. You go ballistic if he sends Aniston a thoughtful card, and you give lap-dances to your exes knowing it will be in the tabs and he'll find out about it. You manipulative, conniving, egomaniacal, self-absorbed little bitch.

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Thanks (or should I say "grazie") to Italian Crabbiefan Adele for the tip (sorry but I don't know how to say "tip" in Italian).

George Clooney Is Almost Your Dopey Uncle

George Clooney is tottering right on that precipice between still-sorta-young and actually old. Not that you can't still be hot when you're actually old - cause you can. Especially if you're George Clooney. But, when you reach that point, you're at the tail-end of your hotness. Your sex-appeal window is about to slam shut. Sure, you might hang on into your paunchy, gray-chest-hair days like Sean Connery, but you might also end up like Richard Gere - just old and kinda creepy.

John Mayer Can't Tell His Jessica From His Ashlee

John Mayer got himself in a spot of trouble with his girl Jessica Simpson recently when he mistook a picture of her little sister Ashlee for her. Reportedly, John was looking at a magazine cover featuring Ashlee when he turned to Jess and said, "How old is this picture of you?" An innocent enough mistake you would think - but not to Jessica, who apparently went ballistic, screaming at John that she and Ashlee look nothing alike.

This story would seem to confirm something we've suspected all along - that Jessica hates Ashlee's guts. It's a classic case of sibling rivalry. Jessica was the big star, then Ashlee came along, riding her coattails. This was fine as long as Ashlee was just "the little sister," but then Ashlee started having nose-jobs, and dyed her hair blonde, and everyone started remarking on how much she looked like Jessica - a younger, possibly cuter Jessica. One can only imagine the turmoil this must have set off in Jessica's brittle, insecure little soul. And then to have your very own allegedly intelligent boyfriend think a picture of Ashlee was actually you? I'm surprised Jessica didn't stab John in the neck with a stiletto heel.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Jessica Simpson is by far the most disturbed of all the popular celebutards. Her father is sexually fixated on her; her little sister tries to look like her - and don't forget about the religious stuff. Jessica herself has confessed that she wanted to be a gospel singer until her boobs got large and she decided she couldn't be (which makes absolutely no sense - most female gospel singers have enormous breasts). I'm thinking Jessica talks to Jesus a lot - and he probably answers her too. He probably hits on her. And he probably whispers things to her about what a shit Ashlee is. It would not surprise me - not even a little - to one day read the following headline:

Jessica Simpson Arrested For Murder Of Sister Ashlee, Father Joe

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan may act out more than Jessica, but Jessica is clearly the most mentally unstable. When she goes to jail it won't be for something mild like violating probation - it'll be for life, and the cell will have padded walls.

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Lindsay Lohan Nearly Killed; Dina Lohan Spews Nonsense

Lindsay Lohan lives her life on the edge, even when she's just crossing the street.

The starlet, whose new movie Georgia Rule slinks into theaters this weekend (good luck against Spider Man Linds), was rushing across 54th Street in Manhattan Tuesday to meet some autograph hounds when she was nearly flattened by a taxi. According to witnesses, the speeding cab came to a stop just five feet short of Lohan, who in typical Lindsay fashion continued merrily across the thoroughfare, oblivious to the taxi which remained idling there for several minutes.

It must be true what they say - God protects drunks, children and dippy starlets.

And another thing I know is true - Dina Lohan has a big fat prevaricating mouth. Hours after the near-death of her daughter on a Manhattan street, Dina was at the Georgia Rule premiere defending Lindsay against allegations that she's an Ecstasy-and-coke-freak. You can probably already guess the gist of what Dina said, but just for the record, here are the bitch's exact words:

We don't read the tabloids. There's so much fabrication. We all live in glass houses, and if you don't know somebody, you really don't know the truth.

First of all Dina, we don't want to know you. We can tell just by looking at you that you're the kind of woman who throws hideous dinner-parties where everyone is drunk by eight. You're a cackling witch who is full of bullshit. And as to the tabs being full of fabrication - in many instances this is true, but unfortunately, they don't need to concoct stories about Lindsay, because Lindsay actually does the kind of stuff they usually only make up. Are you trying to tell us that News of the World and their source are lying about the coke allegations? Even when there are pictures? So I suppose that's all CGI then. And the witnesses are all lying. Sorry Dina, but eventually, the mountain of evidence gets large enough that you can no longer deny its existence, or attribute it to some vast conspiracy of liars. Of course, you yourself will go on denying, even after that mountain has reached Everest-like proportions. Lindsay could snort coke on national television with you sitting right there and you'd still say it never happened, and then mutter some lame shit about glass houses.

(source)

The Grown-Ups Have Intervened

Someone in Paris Hilton's camp finally decided to shut the bitch up and at least make a try at painting her as a human being who realizes she made a mistake. Hence the following statement, released today by Paris's new lawyers:

After reading the media's coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should -- no matter how slightly.

I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation.

No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse.

Not a word of that reflects what Paris really thinks, but whatever. Somebody in the family must've gotten sick of her making a fool of herself. If anyone in the Hilton family still has a modicum of dignity, they will prevail upon whoever controls Paris to muzzle her, or perhaps just lock her up until her sentence starts.

(source)

What The Hell Is Garry Marshall Talking About?

Garry Marshall, the veteran director of Lindsay Lohan's new movie Georgia Rule, has chimed in on all the controversy surrounding the young actress. First off, Marshall talks about Lohan's absences from the set:

Once somebody walks on my set, it's my problem, but we can't go chasing them. ... This film is low-budget. We can't lose days. ... Tough love is a part of this business – she missed a day on the second week of shooting.

The "tough love" referred to by Garry came in the form of a now-famous letter, penned by Morgan's Creek production chief James G. Robinson, which threatened Lindsay with legal action if she didn't shape up. According to Marshall, the sternly-worded missive "did the trick." Now, Lohan is embroiled in another controversy, involving some video of her doing cocaine with a friend in the bathroom of Teddy's. So what does Garry think about this news surfacing right in time for the premiere of his movie?

Any publicity is good publicity, but in this case, I think it distorts what a good actress Lindsay is.

I have to say, I was stunned by that last statement. I always thought Garry Marshall was a level-headed, intelligent man, but now I see he is as much of a putz as everyone else in Lindsay's life. Seriously - these assholes are lined up around the block to make excuses for Lohan, and explain her bullshit away as media misre