We've been sick for about 8 days now and very sick since this past weekend.
A doctor just came to our hotel room in Sydney.
Perez has a fever of 103 and pneumonia in his right long [think he meant lung but you never know].
We're still gonna update the website this week, but it's obviously not going to be as much as we normally do. Sorry.
The doctor prescribed us medicine and we hope to get better soon.
Our health is our number one priority at the moment.
Thanks for understanding!
Oh, I understand Perez. Get well soon you fucking faggot - without you the world would not be as amusing a place.
By the way, since Perez disabled comments for this particular post (cause he didn't want to be wished dead by half the civilized world) I figured I'd perform a public service by turning over my own comments section to those who would like to wish Perez well - or whatever. So, fire away...
Kirsten Dunst is back in America after the whirlwind Spider-Man 3 Euro tour, but that doesn't mean she's off the promotional trail. This morning, Kiki kicked off the U.S. leg of the travelling Spidey circus by paying a visit to the Today show - and wore a coat that made her look like a slightly whimsical flasher. "Check me out - I'm Kirsten Dunst." Um, no thanks hon.
Britney Spears was driving in a convertible with the top down, and her hat came off, and then her wig nearly came off too. And what did we learn from this story kids? That Britney is too stupid to understand that driving in a car with no roof puts you in jeopardy of losing your fake hair. Of course, having the roof up also makes it more difficult for the paps to get your picture. So she had to make the choice. Either that or she just doesn't know which button to push to make the roof come up.
"Dang, this thing has a roof too? That's crazy, y'all."
Nicole Richie apparently thinks she's a big enough deal that she can now treat her fans like shit. When arriving in Australia this weekend for the big VMA presentation, Richie stunned admirers who'd assembled at the airport by not only shunning them, but having her security guards push people back while she hid behind a giant handbag. One disappointed autograph-seeker, Bianca Valodian of Sydney, said this about the experience:
We haven't slept in two days. It's pretty heartbreaking.
Yes Bianca, it is heartbreaking - to realize there are people in this world lame enough to not sleep for two days because they're so excited to see Nicole Richie. Do you folks not get that Nicole Richie is a completely vapid, useless piece of excrement, and that you make yourself look like utter fools when you treat her like she matters? When, oh when, will the airheads of this universe learn that the Parises, Nicoles, Mischas and Lindsays they worship all think they are peons, and would not piss on them if they were on fire? There's a reason people like Nicole treat folks like you with such disdain, Bianca - it's because they have not an ounce of respect for anyone. They're assholes.
This is Madonna's new look. So is she deliberately going for an Andy Warhol thing? Whatever she's doing, I'm sure it's a rip-off of something someone did previously. And that someone was probably gay or at least gayish. Bitch hasn't had a single original idea in her whole absurd prude-baiting life.
A. Kiss her boyfriend Cash Warren. B. Puke half-digested food into his mouth like a mother penguin. C. Scream a really loud obscenity at him. D. Start sucking his nose on the mistaken impression that it is in fact his penis. E. Kill Cash with her snapping alien-like tongue-mouth. F. Who cares, it's that boring-ass bitch Jessica Alba.
Initial rumors that Angelina Jolie had contracted a deadly illness were easy to dismiss, but these rumors have only become more persistent, and recent photos of Jolie looking frail have added further fuel to the fire. Now, the National Enquirer, which started the whole thing in the first place, is ready to stoke those flames, by reporting in more detail on Jolie's apparent symptoms. According to the tabloid, Jolie is suffering blinding headaches, has lost hair, and at a recent charity news conference, was seen to shake almost uncontrollably. And pictures from that very news conference would seem to at least partially bear out the notion that Jolie is not feeling well.
The rumor is now floating around, at least among my posters, that Angelina has leukemia. Who knows if this is true. All I'm sure of is that these "Angie's sick" stories have been circulating for a couple of weeks now, and haven't really been addressed by anyone in her camp. This leads Crabbie to believe that there may be something to the story, and they're just waiting for the right time to make a statement.
Also, according to the Enquirer, Brad Pitt plans on staying by Angelina's side through her illness, despite their relationship being otherwise moribund. So there you go Angie-haters - she got sick on purpose to hold onto Brad. It's right up there on the tee for you. Knock it out of the park.
Starlet Jessica Biel attends a Barack Obama fundraising event. My goodness, what's happened to Jessica? It appears that Barack has placed her under his hypnotic spell.
Barack Obama's powers are great and mysterious. Look for the video of Jessica and Hillary's three-way with Scarlett Johansson on YouTube.
ALS-ridden physicist Stephen Hawking fulfilled part of his dream of space-flight by taking a ride on a specially outfitted jumbo-jet that achieves zero-G conditions by describing big mid-air parabolas. Looks like he's having fun too. Unless that's his "just dropped a huge load in my man-diaper" face. Oh wait, how insensitive of me - I don't think Stephen's bowels work anymore. Damn, that guy's messed up.
Australians suck at many things - bathing, being sober, not stealing the Aborigines' lands - but the thing they apparently suck most at is holding awards shows. A case in point - this weekend's Australian MTV Video Music Awards. This thing had to be the lamest spectacle ever witnessed by human eyes. Seriously, even worse than Crocodile Dundee. Damn, that's pretty bad. I know...
Why am I talking to myself?
Back to the Australians. According to the Dirty Disher, all they do is drink beer and tell bad jokes. And if she had seen the Australian MTV Video Music Awards, she would've added, "and put on lame awards shows."
But now it's time for me to confess something - I saw not one second of the Australian MTV Video Music Awards. Even had I had access to it, I would not have watched it. I would sooner have allowed Cisco Adler to gently caress my cheek with his ballsack. Of course, you can say that I am in no position to criticize the Australian MTV VMAs, given that I didn't see it. But I disagree. All I need to know is who was at the Aussie MTV VMAs - that alone allows me to gauge the lameness of the event.
So what pathetic would-be celebs were at the Australian VMAs anyway? Andy Dick? Kathy Griffin? It's possible. However, I have no proof that they were there, so I'm going to assume they weren't. Anyway, the people who were there were bad enough. Like this useless whore:
Wow, the Australian VMAs snagged Nicole Richie. She must not have had tickets to the Coachella Valley Music Festival, where every other useless skank on earth was camped out for the weekend. And oh Nicole - would you stop with the peace-sign? Even Lindsay thinks that's lame now.
Just once I'd like to see...
Now what, bitch?
Oh, and Australia - Kristin Cavallari?
Actually, here's where you Aussies could earn your way into Crabbie's good graces. All you have to do is revoke Kristin Cavallari's passport. Just don't let her out of the country. And then, maybe, you could trump up some kind of charge - I don't know, practicing horrific skankery without a license or something - and just chuck her in jail for the next, I don't know, sixty years? You'd be doing us a great favor if you did. Oh, and while you're at it, do you think you could do something about this hopeless dipshit?
Did she make that outfit out of a shower curtain? The upholstery out of a banana-yellow '79 Aspen? And what the fuck is that award? A penguin? Who associates penguins with Australia? When I think of that country, all it conjures is Russell Crowe chucking phones at people, Steve Irwin dangling his baby in front of a hungry croc and Paul Hogan smiling at me from a beer ad. Oh, and lone riders of the post-Apocalyptic wastes sporting foot-tall spiked mohawks and assless leather pants.
(Just joking Aussies. You guys rock. No need to call Crabbie an ignorant American, or bash me for not respecting your culture.
Here's a picture of Lindsay Lohan and Kimberly Stewart at the Coachella Valley Music Festival. Gosh, they're pressed awful tight together. You don't think they could be having sex do you?
Oh my God - Lindsay Lohan is having sex with Kimberly Stewart!
Which is more revolting, the above picture, or this one of Kimberly and ex Cisco Adler?
And here's one of Lindsay and Cisco:
And just to cleanse your minds, here's one of two rhinos having sex:
Singer Boy George is in a heap of trouble after being accused by a male escort of kidnap, imprisonment and threatened torture.
The alleged victim, 28-year-old Norwegian Auden Carlsen, says he met Boy George on the homosexual dating website Gaydar, and was invited by the singer to go to his East London flat at midnight and pose for pictures. Once at the flat, however, George and another man allegedly slapped handcuffs on Carlsen and made him a captive. Said Carlsen to Britain's Star newspaper:
George said he was popping out for milk at 5am. I heard him come back and I walked into his bedroom wearing just my white underpants and a T-shirt. I was jumped on by George and another man. ... George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down.
Carlsen says that, after the other man left, George took out some kinky sex toys and began threatening to physically harm him. It was then that Carlsen pulled the hook from the wall and fled, finally alerting police who arrested George on suspicion of assault and false imprisonment. George has since made bail, but when reached for comment, was predictably not available.
George, an '80s pop-icon who fell on hard times thanks to heroin addiction, has had other run-ins with the law, including a famous incident in which he was convicted of drug possession in New York, and sentenced to a community service stint that included picking up garbage on the streets of Manhattan. George has also had some well-publicized temper-tantrums, like the one last October that saw him verbally abusing a group of young people who taunted him at an awards show. And, in general, the guy is just a pathetic old queen who doesn't realize that no one gives a damn about him anymore. Like Elton John but with a sunnier disposition.
Lindsay Lohan has always had an interesting relationship with the truth. For her, it seems that what's fact is whatever she happens to say at any given moment, even if this contradicts something she just said ten seconds before. In other words, truth is a matter of convenience. But, every now and then, like a blind squirrel finding a nut, even a pathological liar can say something genuinely true - just as Lindsay did when she uttered the following during an interview with Nylon magazine:
I get embarrassed about the paparazzi if I'm in a chic restaurant, or when I was in the AA meetings . . . I feel really disrespectful because those people are doing that for themselves and it's no one else's business. But that was the only time it was embarrassing. Other times, I obviously like it . . . I wouldn't ever want them to not take my picture . . . I'd be worried. I'd be like "Do people not care for me?"
Lohan has confessed that she likes having her picture taken. And what amazing nugget will she next reveal about herself? That she sometimes enjoys going out in public without underwear on? That she's been known to snort the occasional line of coke? That she really, really likes the feel of a woman's tongue inside her vagina? Seriously though, Lindsay deserves credit - she managed to utter several entire sentences without saying a single demonstrably untrue thing, or immediately doing a 180 on herself. I swear, I never thought I'd live to see this day. I am so happy for Lindsay and the entire human family.
This Year's Coachella Valley Music Festival has featured such brilliant artists as Lily Allen, Bjork and Rage Against the Machine (I guess they're brilliant anyway; I personally wouldn't be caught dead listening to that crap). And it has also been a gathering-place for some of the hippest young stars in Hollywood, like Lindsay Lohan, who showed up to support her buddy, DJ Steve Aoki. Oh Lindsay, you're so subtle with the purse-strap cinching up under your boob. You never fail to come up with new ways to make us think you're a completely shameless whore, do you?
If a place is a Mecca for the hip, then you know Mischa Barton must be there. Cause Mischa - she's practically the Mohammed of hip. You know because she wears a dorky hat just like Britney. Actually, when I first saw this picture, I thought, "Where's Pete Wentz?" Then I realized it wasn't Ashlee Simpson.
If alcohol is being consumed, Tara Reid must not be far away. But, at least you get the feeling that Tara would show up at a thing like this even if there weren't going to be cameras there. Yes, Tara is a true rocker girl. If she weren't an actress, she'd be the girlfriend of the guitar player. You know, the one who inspires him to write beautiful love songs. And washes his puke-stained t-shirts. And goes out to score him smack.
Rumors are swirling that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's relationship is headed for the scrapheap. And Angelina apparently thinks there's trouble too - which is why she recently bought Brad a new motorcycle, and checked in to a luxury suite at the Roosevelt Hotel with him for a few hours of private time.
And does Angelina really think a shiny new motorcycle and a romp at the Roosevelt is going to be enough to make Brad forget that he's completely fed up with her kid-adopting, world-saving ways? Well, it was a really nice motorcycle - custom-built, apparently; plus Angelina bought him a new Ducati helmet (which must be a good helmet cause it has an Italian name). And of course there was the sex. But then again, how good could sex with Angelina really be at this point? I mean, have you seen her lately? She makes Nicole Richie look robust. I can't imagine sex is so hot when you're constantly taking sharp elbows and hip-bones to various parts of the body. Plus, how much energy can a sickly, emaciated, possibly on-the-verge-of-death Angelina really have? It must be like fucking a corpse. But, at least it was a really nice motorcycle.
Victoria and David Beckham, who've been threatening to move to America seemingly since the early '80s, have finally bought themselves a home in the U.S.
The pad (which will be described as "posh" by just about every entertainment TV show/website) is located in Beverly Hills, and cost Poshy and Becks a relatively modest $20 million. According to a source, Poshy went with the smaller home (only six bedrooms) because she wanted to create a more "cozy" environment. However, though the property may be small by Beverly Hills standards, the view is described as "sensational."
In other news, everyone hates Beckham's new blonde hair:
I'm frankly more disturbed by the button-down jacket, which makes Beckham resemble Travis Bickle. And I'm even more disturbed by the fact that Beckham has been married to Posh as long as he has - because if anything would turn a man into Travis Bickle, that would.
Kirsten Dunst may still have her rocker boyfriend Johnny Borrell for now, but stories about him messing around with his old squeeze keep popping up like pimples nonetheless. The latest one has Borrell's ex-girlfriend, singer Fabiola Gatti, saying that she and Johnny shared a passionate kiss upon meeting recently, and that Johnny assured her he would soon be dumping Kiki and returning to her. Said Gatti about her undying love for Borrell:
We will always be soulmates. At the moment we know it won't work but one day we will get back together.
I don't think you'll have to wait too long, Fabiola. Johnny may be enjoying going out with a movie-star right now, but one of these days the alcohol-haze is going to clear, and he's going to get a good look at Kiki with her snaggleteeth and pasty white body and then - well, it'll be all over then. And Kiki will be single again, and fishing around for another rock star to glom on to. Poor Kiki. I almost feel sorry for her silly ass.
Alec Baldwin is an embattled celeb, but unlike some, he's not going to just roll over and die. Instead, Baldwin is mounting a counter-offensive against those he considers responsible for making public the voice-mail rant that got him in this pickle in the first place. Specifically, Baldwin is going after Harvey Levin, the editor-in-chief of TMZ. That organization, you recall, originally received the Baldwin tape from whoever leaked it, and posted an audio clip of it on their site. Now Baldwin is firing back at Levin. Here's what the crazed daughter-terrorizing actor told the cows on The View:
The guy that's responsible for this tape coming out - I called some friends of mine in L.A. and said, "What's his story?" And they told me his story, what he's all about, where he's coming from, what are his secrets. ... You find out that everybody who works in tabloid media are people who are filled with self-hatred and shame and the way that they manage those feelings is they destroy the lives of other people and reveal your secrets. ... I couldn't get over how they could beat you all day long.
Baldwin never mentions Levin by name, but everyone knows who he's talking about. And apparently Baldwin has some dirt on Levin via his Hollywood friends. Well, what's that dirt Alec? Come on - we want to know Harvey Levin's dark secrets. Is he a cross-dresser? Is he secretly fucking Michael K.? Does he run a shitty website full of people who can't write worth a damn? Oh wait - that last one's not a secret. But the other stuff...come on Alec. You can't just say "I've got dirt on a guy" and then not reveal it. Unless of course you're trying to portray yourself as being above that sort of thing. Sure - that's your whole point, isn't it Alec? "Those other people, who I won't even dignify by naming, spread other people's dirt around, but even though I know things about them, I would never sink to their level." Nice try Baldwin. But we already know you're a phony and that you treat your own daughter like shit. And as for tabloid people being self-hating and full of shame - real big revelation there Alec. Of course they all are. Just like all actors are vain and arrogant and emotionally insecure, and raise children who turn out to be drug addicts and car thieves and suicides. Yeah - I can paint with a broad brush too Alec. Like: All Baldwin males love butt-sex. With each other.
Britney Spears was pulled over for speeding on Sunset Boulevard Friday night around 8:45, but was let off with only a warning. Personally I think this was a mistake - this is Britney Spears we're talking about; who knows what insanity she was rushing off to commit. For all the cop knew, she could've been heading off to brain a pap with an umbrella, or commit some kind of hideous fashion crime like this one:
The world needs to be protected from people like Britney. But, the Beverly Hills PD would apparently rather kiss up to the famous than do their duty as public servants. So, Britney is allowed to run around free, and we have to suffer the terrible consequences:
Old fishnets and boots. Thanks a lot, authorities.
Do my eyes deceive me, or has Kate Bosworth gotten her shit together? Can we now take her off the endangered-starlets list? And whatever Kate has been eating to get herself back to looking human - can we please give some to Keira Knightey?
The Neverending Spider-Man 3 tour hit Paris yesterday. Here we see director Sam Raimi and star Kirsten Dunst...pointing at stuff. Kirsten, you notice, points with all her fingers - that's cause she doesn't have the delicate digit-control necessary to just point one at a time. That's what happens when you drink too much, and hang out with too many smelly rock and rollers.
Sarah Michelle Gellar attends the after-party for the premiere of Suburban Girl. Honestly, I thought this chick had quit show-biz entirely and started a family or something. If she were any more boring she'd be Selma Blair. Except Selma's not that goofy-looking.
Stripper Dita Von Teese is in Australia for Fashion Week. What the hell is fashion week in Australia? A bunch of people in designer post-apocalyptic duds and big orange spiked mohawks? What, do they come rumbling in on motorcycles with skulls attached to the handlebars? Dita should dig that action. Hell, after all those years with that pussy Manson, she's probably ready for some sweaty, greasy Mad Max villain to make her feel like a woman again.
Angelina Jolie is in New York for the Tribeca Film Festival. And there are rumors that she may be taking the hazardous journey into the Bronx to visit a refugee camp. Just kidding Bronx people - I love you. Don't beat me up (again). Anyway, people have been remarking a lot lately on how emaciated and sickly Angie looks. There has even been speculation that she may be ill. Frankly, I think she's just running short of virgin blood. It's not as easy to come by as it used to be (especially now that Katie Holmes has been popped, by whoever popped her).
Angelina greets some fans from her car. They came a thousand miles just to touch the hem of her garment, and she didn't even get out of the fucking car? What a bitch.
Looks like James Bond has a little temper on him. The other day, Daniel Craig, who shot to worldwide fame playing Ian Fleming's famed secret agent, was coming out of London's Harvey Nichols department store when a fan, Craig Evans, made the mistake of snapping him with his mobile-phone. And snap is just what Craig himself did - reportedly, the actor stormed over to Evans bellowing, "What the fuck are you doing that for? You've got a fucking nerve. Can you delete that? Get the fuck out of my face!" - all of which had the much-smaller Evans quivering in his boots. Thankfully, Craig's girlfriend, movie producer Satsuki Mitchell, was there to calm him down...or not. Reportedly, as Craig and Mitchell walked away, Craig said to her, "The only reason I'm fucking swearing is because I'm fucked off with you."
Daniel Craig - is he the new Russell Crowe? I don't know. But if I'm a concierge, I'm being really, really nice to Daniel. And I'm hoping the hotel has padded phones.
(Somebody asked for more posts about Daniel Craig. I guess God was listening.)
It's a strategy as old as stardom itself - having your picture taken with children in order to show that you're human. How often have we seen a celeb pose with some poor little bald-headed cancer kid, or an inner-city child at a playground built with donated funds, or a bunch of school children who participated in an essay contest? All so we'll know that celebs are really just folks like everyone else. And, of course, this sort of photo-op is never so valuable as when a celeb is on the outs with their fans. Make a couple of bad movies, get photographed staggering around drunk, punch your significant other - you can make all that bad stuff go away by spending two minutes in a ward filled with crippled kids, and sending the pictures out to magazines.
Of today's stars, few would seem to need career rehab more than Britney Spears. Poon flashing, drunken escapades, insane umbrella-attacks - lately Britney has seemed less like a pop-star and more like an on-going episode of Springer. And these antics have not gone unnoticed by her fans, who have been abandoning her in droves. But, Britney is ready to wipe that slate clean - she's canned evil manager Larry Rudolph, had lipo to get her body back in shape, gotten her teeth whitened, and begun taking dance classes. And now, Britney has taken that next step toward reconciliation with her former peeps - she's done the kiddie photo-op. Of course, most stars, when they do the photo-op thing, pose with other people's kids - cause we sort of assume that they spend time with their own kids all the time, therefore making it kind of silly for them to be photographed with them. Britney, however, is different - when she wants a humanizing photo-op, she grabs one of her own spawn...um, that is her kid right? Well, what difference does it make, right Brit? It's a kid. They're like regular humans, except smaller and less able to control their bowels. Hell, he looks like you anyway - except that he has hair. And dresses better. And I actually think he can tie his shoes already, whereas you...
"Gotta keep runnin'. Gotta keep it tight. Tight for Jake. Jake Jake Jake. Look at this tight ass Jake. Keep your eyes off him god damn it. Look at my tight ass Jake. My tight ass god damn it..."
Loopy Scientology nut Jenna Elfman has come to the defense of her lord and master, Scientology Jesus Tom Cruise. But what does Tom Cruise need defending against anyway? Oh, the media's attempts to portray him as a controlling freak who's making his wife Katie Holmes's life miserable. Jenna says no way - Tom and Katie are happy as can be:
They have a great life and they love each other. For some reason, the media cannot experience that. They must put in things other than the simplicity of it.
Um, no Jenna - you've got it backwards honey. Nobody's putting anything into anything - we know all about the simplicity of the relationship. Like, Tom tells Katie what to do and Katie does it - simple. And yes, if you're a complete authoritarian wacko, that is the recipe for happiness. Then you look at it from the point-of-view of the one who's being subjected to the authoritarian control and, well, different story. But, of course, you being a member of the inner-circle Jenna, you know what's really going on. Right?
It's hard to give a detailed explanation on something that's simple. Honestly, do any of you have a great boyfriend or girlfriend? It's not a big deal, right? You have fun hanging out, and you like talking and sharing your ideas. It's exciting. That's their relationship.
Scientology talking-point on Tom and Katie: Their relationship is so "simple." Everything about them is "simple." Perhaps because they're simpletons? And then there's this: "You have fun hanging out, and you like talking and sharing your ideas. It's exciting. That's their relationship." Um, Jenna - the word "sharing." That implies that each side is contributing something. But we know that's not the case. Tom is the one with the ideas (which he got from a two-bit, possibly deranged science fiction writer) and Katie is the one who sits there nodding, occasionally glancing off to see if one of the guards isn't looking, perhaps giving her a chance to make a break for it. Face it Jenna - everyone knows what Tom Cruise is, and everyone feels sorry for Katie to the extent that we think she didn't really know what she was in for when she agreed to be Tom's wife/slave. Your attempt to change our mind is feeble. No amount of Scientology propaganda spoken by dimwits like you will make us see Tom as anything but a sawed-off little closet fag with Messianic delusions, and Katie as a vapid little girl who got snookered by con-artists.
I thought Amy Winehouse was the most hideous-looking female I'd ever seen - until I got a load of Olivia Newton-John's daughter Chloe Lattanzi on ET. All right, I know - it isn't her fault she's ugly. And it isn't her fault she had anorexia. It is, however, her fault that she's in the music biz and therefore a public figure - so I have no qualms whatsoever about making fun of her. Or her mother Olivia, who used to be kind of cute and plucky, but now looks like an advertisement for BoTox. Or Mary Hart who, frankly, needs to go find a dark hole to live in, so that we never have to look at her frozen, inhuman face again.
Britney Spears is so not crazy anymore. She does not in the least resemble a person on a day-trip from a mental home. She does not remind us, even one little bit, of the sort of person whose house gets opened up by the cops after they've been arrested, and the cops find two-hundred cats living there, and a basement full of people's stolen laundry.
Richard Gere planting some playful kisses on Indian star Shilpa Shetty has touched off a whole firestorm of controversy. But Gere himself says the whole thing was no big deal, and that those who want him jailed over it represent a small but vocal minority. Said Gere on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart:
Kissing the girl on the cheek was nothing. ... It was an AIDS event for truck drivers. It was the largest truck depot in South Asia. They were climbing on their trucks [cheering].
Shetty herself was not offended. Says Gere:
We went and had dinner afterwards and nobody said a word about this.
Shit, Richard - don't tell them you had dinner with her. They'll probably tack another six months onto the sentence.
But seriously, says Richard, the whole thing is just a bunch of political radicals making noise:
There is a very small right-wing conservative party and they are the moral police in India and they do this quite often. ... I don't know if anyone has gone to jail, but [a case like this generally] goes to a reputable court and is thrown out.
So they have reputable courts in India. Well, that's good news.
US Magazine held some kind of Awards ceremony last night, and someone decided it would be a good idea to give Lindsay Lohan a "Red Carpet Style" award. Then somebody told Lindsay there would be free booze so she showed up. Apparently, Lindsay is between stylists right now. Or else she was paying homage to Bert Lahr.
Courage isn't Lohan's problem - she's got plenty of that. What she lacks is civility and self-restraint. And a functioning liver. Also, she looks like she could use an aspirin.
Lindsay Lohan is a world-class bitch, and apparently she surrounds herself with people of similar persuasions. Her driver, for example. According to Page 6, Lindsay's chauffeur, John Zagata, demonstrated his own bitchy propensities by pitching a fit after accidentally rear-ending a car driven by Tony Bennett's daughter Antonia. Said Antonia's manager Keya Morgan:
[Zagata] hit Antonia's car. Then he has the nerve to jump out and scream, "Don't you know who I am? I represent Lindsay Lohan! How dare you get in my way!" He had no idea who Antonia was.
It's bad when stars play the old "don't you know who I am card," but when their drivers do it? "I represent Lindsay Lohan. How dare you get in my way!" He can't have really said that, can he? I mean, my God, that is the most insanely out-of-touch individual on the face of the earth. Oh, and then, to make matters worse, this complete imbecile Zagata tried to blame the incident on Antonia Bennett, despite there being numerous witnesses on the scene, who all saw him clearly ram her while she was parked. But he works for Linsday Lohan, so of course that means nothing's his fault. If he'd shot Antionia, he would've said she fell on the bullet.
Zagata, though, is not without his defenders. Said Lindsay's rep Leslie Sloane Zelnick:
It's a completely fabricated story. For as long as we've known him, John has never spoken that way . . . To blame a driver is the lowest.
Actually, Leslie, that's not the lowest. Making a living lying for Lindsay Lohan - that's the lowest.
Jack Nicholson gives the old thumbs-up after being presented with a birthday cake at a Los Angeles Lakers basketball game. Sure, Jack was thinking about his birthday cake, not the hot-looking cheerleaders who gave him the cake. You know what you call a bunch of cheerleaders standing in front of Jack Nicholson? An all you can eat buffet. All that old fart Nicholson aspires to now is to die with his dick in some twenty-year-old Hooters waitress.
Would somebody please hit Teri Hatcher with a tranquilizer dart and drag her sorry ass off? And Hugh Grant - I'd cool it with the pelvic thrusts if I were you. At your age you're liable to slip a disc.
The name Aishwarya Rai may be famous the world round, but you won't be hearing or seeing it very much longer. That's because Aishwarya, being a good traditional Indian girl, has decided to take on new husband Abhishek Bachchan's last name, and has even begun signing autographs as Aishwarya Bachchan.
But that's not the end of the changes in store for the former Miss World Aishwarya. According to reports, the erstwhile Miss Rai and her new hubby will, per tradition, now be moving in with Abhishek's parents, legendary Bollywood stars Amitabh and Jaya Bachchan. Aishwarya will not, however, be expected to give up her own career as a film star; her new in-laws have already given their blessing for her to continue her movie work.
May I now humbly and apologetically take back everything bad I ever said about India? You guys rock. Seriously - any country that knows how to put a woman in her place like that deserves nothing but the utmost respect. Here's someone - Aishwarya Rai I mean - who was wealthy and famous in her own respect, and spent her life jetting around the world, but the second she marries some guy that whole independent lifestyle goes out the window, and she immediately not only takes the guy's name, but happily acquiesces to living with his parents. Are they going to have her on her knees scrubbing floors too? Will they made her dress in tattered rags and order her around like a miserable servant? I hope so. Cause that is one uppity bitch, I'm thinking. All those years of living the high-life probably put a lot of notions in her brain - but somebody's got to beat those notions out of her now. Tear that little ego down, Bachchans. Everyone knows that if you have a vagina, you should automatically be disqualified from having any life of your own. In fact, I'm shocked they're even letting the bitch keep acting. Why? Don't you know that will just reinforce her old ideas of being an independent person? Best to cut that off entirely. No, if I were the Bachchans, I would lock Aishwarya up in a little room and feed her nothing but rancid water and grass until she gets over those free-thinking notions of hers. Then, just to make a little money off the bitch, I'd charge the local horndogs a couple rupees to squirm around on top of her in whatever parody of sex they were able to manage. Cut that high-class whore down a peg or two.
I always thought Jesse James was a Western outlaw who robbed trains and got shot in the back. But, apparently, there's another dude named Jesse James, who builds motorcycles or something, and is currently married to Sandra Bullock. That Jesse James - not the old dead dude but the living guy - almost ended up as dead as the other Jesse James when, late Sunday night, some wacky chick in a Mercedes tried to run his ass over in front of his and Sandra's home in Orange County. And this wasn't an accident, mind you - this chick was trying to commit vehicular homicide, and to make it worse, Sandra, as well as James's 10-year-old kid, were standing there and saw the whole crazy thing.
So what the hell was this daffy broad thinking anyway? Apparently, the woman, Marcia Valentine, has been obsessed with Sandra for years, and the murder attempt against James was the culmination of some delusional scenario. So, what, this bitch thought if she got Jesse out of the way she and Sandra would be lovers? Oh yeah, that's the way to someone's heart - bump off their significant other, then sit and wait for them to come to you. Sorry Marcia, but if that kind of shit worked, Crabbie would be a mass-murderer by now.
Anyway, poor old Marcia managed to flee the scene after the attempt on James's life, but she didn't elude police long, as a manhunt ended in her capture on Monday. Valentine is currently being held on charges of assault with a deadly weapon (which is what a Mercedes becomes when you try to mow someone down with it), and to make matters worse, her crazy face is now all over the Internet:
Dang. I haven't seen a mush that maniacal since this bitch:
By the way, whatever happened to Wilbanks? Is she still mowing lawns in her sweatpants? And another thing - that pic of Jesse and Sandra at the top. Take ourselves a bit seriously Jesse? What is it with all these hardcore tattoo people? Is every last one of them a humorless, grim-faced shit? Dang man, lighten up. It's only life. What, your old man cuffed you around when you were a kid, so now you think the world is supposed to act like every time you breathe it's the most important thing that ever happened? Oh, my traumas - they're so traumatic. If I crack a smile people might not think I'm the toughest bastard on earth, and my wounded little childish ego can't take it. God, is there anything in the world lamer than some big meathead with a bunch of tattoos who thinks the sun rises and sets on his bad attitude? Get over yourself Jesse. Or better yet, the next time some crazy broad wants to plow you with her expensive foreign automobile? Just lay down on the ground and let her flatten your skull. If life is really as miserable as you pretend, it should be a relief to you.
Keira Knightley does not have an eating disorder. Also, Rosie O'Donnell is not a fat lesbian, Donald Trump is not a bald old jerk, George Bush is not an incompetent buffoon and Perez Hilton is not a disgusting dimwitted human blob who slurps Paris daily.
Halle Berry shows her support for Barack Obama. It's nice to see that Halle keeps abreast of politics. Wow, Halle is really big on Obama. Let's see...what else. Halle Berry can't wait to fill out her ballot for Barack Obama. I need to grow up, don't I?
Celebutard queen Paris Hilton got a shock when she took the stage to sing with pop legend Prince at an April 20 concert. According to US magazine, Paris was in the crowd enjoying Prince's performance when the diminutive musical god invited her on-stage to duet with him. A giddy Paris bounced her way up next to the purple one, who handed her a microphone, then turned to the audience and said, "Let's see if she can really sing." Paris, apparently thinking Prince was deliberately trying to humiliate her, stormed off the stage, and left the concert entirely a couple of songs later. Paris's reps of course deny the incident ever happened, while Prince's people have declined to comment.
Much as I would love to relish Paris's humiliation, I can't quite allow myself to do so. Because, to be frank, I don't think Prince was really trying to embarrass her at all. I think what Prince was doing was giving Paris her chance to show everyone that she really can sing - he was handing her the microphone and saying, "Come on baby, show us what you've got." And how did Paris respond? Did she grab that mic in one of her freakish man-hands and give everyone a taste of her true vocal talents? No. Instead she slunk off like the coward she is. Hell, even if Paris can't sing, wouldn't it have been more sporting of her to at least go along with it and enjoy herself? What a whining, pouting, sniveling little piece of trash Paris is. The second somebody suggests that she's not this person she pretends to be, she goes all to pieces. How hopelessly phony and humorless and lame she is. And the sad thing is that the bitch never learns. Shouldn't she have figured out by now that people hate her guts? Don't even go on the stage when Prince invites you, Paris. Learn from past experience that it will probably wind up being embarrassing for you. Just graciously decline, or at the very least, just go up there and joke around with him a bit. Show that you've got some charm. But you don't have charm, do you Paris? Underneath that sloppily maintained facade you've got nothing - no talent, no personality, no wit. And that was what Prince really exposed - not that you can't sing, but that you have no show-biz instincts whatsoever. You can't handle any situation that's remotely spontaneous and unplanned. You're only able to function as long as everything is perfectly controlled. You're good for one thing Paris - having your picture taken. That's it. Otherwise you are a worthless bitch.
Disheveled actor Hugh Grant was arrested yesterday on charges of assaulting a photographer with a tub of baked beans.
Yes, I never expected to read that sentence in my life either, but there it is.
The victim, Ian Whittaker, alleges that Grant abused and kicked him, then chucked the tub of beans at him. The police, when asked about the incident, would say only that a 46-year-old man had been arrested and questioned. Grant reportedly made bail and will be called back in May.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - Hugh Grant is a volcano of rage just waiting to explode. All right, I admit - I've never said that before. But I should have. Because, in retrospect, it should've been obvious. Hugh Grant is clearly repressing something. Just listen to the way the poor guy stammers all the time. And those eyes of his - always squinting like he can barely hold in the violence. And another thing Hugh - the tousle-haired look. That was really cute when you were 35, but come on. You're practically elderly now. Buy a comb. And lay off the hookers already.
Rapper Eve has been busted for DUI after smashing up her gold Maserati on Hollywood Boulevard. Eve, who has also gone by the charming monikers Gangtsa and Eve of Destruction, was driving this morning around 2:45 when for whatever reason she crashed her car into a center divider, totalling it. Police were observed handcuffing a reportedly visibly upset Eve at the scene, and she was later booked. Two other people were in the car at the time of the crash, but thus far there is no word on who these people may be, or whether there were any injuries.
TMZ has video of Eve being stuck in the police car, while an irate individual - apparently one of the two people who were in the car with her - slaps at the camera. Eve herself appears rather sedate, which is a bit disappointing, given the way other stars have behaved in similar situations in the past.
An Indian court has ordered the arrest of American actor Richard Gere on charges of public indecency. The order stems from a well-publicized incident at a recent AIDS charity event in which Gere repeatedly kissed actress Shilpa Shetty, antics which were viewed by many in India as disrespectful and obscene. A court in the city of Jaipur reportedly issued the order after a complaint by a local lawyer, Poonam Chand Bhandari (try not to laugh at that first name you dipshits). Of course this couldn't be another case of an Indian lawyer trying to get famous by going after a high-profile Western celeb could it?
Ms. Shetty, reportedly, has also been summoned by the court. Shetty rose to prominence earlier this year when, during an appearance on the British show Big Brother, she became the target of racial taunting. But Shetty's adoring Indian fans have turned on her after the Gere incident, and her remarks that over-reacting to such innocent tomfoolery makes India look "regressive." I don't know, I think India looks really sophisticated and mature when I see pictures like this:
Why does a grown man have a poster of Shilpa Shetty to begin with? A dirty calendar, sure, especially if he works in an autoshop. I guess he tore that down off his teenage son's wall. Right. And he never jerks off when he sees a hot-looking cow crossing the street either.
Honestly, I blame Richard Gere for all this. He should've known that he was in India, and would get in trouble for even so much as breathing on a woman he wasn't married to. But, you know how Americans are. So disrespectful of other people's cultures. Evil, thoughtless bastards all of us. Of course, if it weren't for our companies out-sourcing customer assistance jobs, half of India would be living on the street. Which is where the other half of India already lives.
Ali Larter has a little fun with the paps. Oh Ali, it's easy to be playful when you've only got one photog following you maybe two days a week at the most. Honestly, if it weren't for Heroes, what would you be doing right now? Topless waitressing? Go-go dancing? Writing for Egotastic? Sorry about that last one - that was a low-blow.
Liz Hurley aka India's Most Wanted appears at the Breast Cancer Research Foundation's Hot Pink Party. Gosh, I hope Liz remembered to take her shoes off - oh wait, this event took place in a civilized, free country, so no one cared if she had shoes on or not. And look, she doesn't have her face covered, and she isn't walking ten paces behind a man with her head down, and she hasn't been branded or had her clitoris removed. Western decadence, let me tell you.
The whirlwind Spider-Man 3 European tour makes a stop in Madrid. Kiki shows up in this outfit which at least covers her ugly white pasty legs. Spidey apparently thinks Kiki has hot knees.
Point to the "s" Kirsten. No, the "s." The squiggly one. The "s"...oh, forget it.
Britney Spears is mad as hell at just about everyone in her life, and now the pop-whore is ready to let the world know about it - by penning a no-holds-barred tell-all book.
So who exactly is Britney angry at? Let's start with Justin Timberlake. Here's what a source tells Star magazine about Britney's feelings toward the man who allegedly took her virginity:
Brit blames most of her problems with drugs and alcohol on the heartache she experienced years before, during her time with Justin; she couldn't trust him. ... I hear she's going to say that she believes he constantly lied to her about other girls and that destroyed her self-esteem.
Britney also allegedly talks about the cruelty inflicted on her by Timberlake, who called her fat and told her if she didn't lose weight he wouldn't want to have sex with her anymore. Then there's Kevin Federline, who, Britney is set to reveal, nearly drove her to end her life. Says a source:
[Kevin's] womanizing, his wild spending, the verbal abuse he hurled at her when he thought their marriage was coming to an end…Brit will say he deliberately tried to drive her crazy. She feels Kevin just pretended to love her for the money and a music career. When that sunk in, she was so heartbroken that she wanted to kill herself.
But it isn't only men Britney blames for ruining her life - she also has some venom reserved for her mother Lynne. Says the source:
Britney will call [Lynne] "a stage mom from hell" and blame her for almost every ill in her life. She'll say Lynne's money hungry and that she was just along for the free ride. Britney thinks of her as a meddling, smothering person and blames her for her messy marriages.
There's no word yet on when Britney plans on writing this book, but one presumes she will first have to learn her ABC's. Unless she plans on dictating the whole thing, in which case she will have to take the gum out of her mouth, otherwise the whole thing will just be mumbles and smacking noises and the occasional random "y'all."
Lindsay Lohan is carrying on a romantic relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson. That was the story a couple weeks ago when the two were photographed together in Tokyo, and now a source has confirmed to Star magazine that the girls are indeed getting busy:
They are lovers. ... The rumors about them hooking up are totally true. Lindsay is trying to be low key about it, but everyone knows that they are way more than friends.
The source claims the pair were seen displaying their affection at a nightclub in Tokyo:
They just started making out right there like they didn't care who saw them. Maybe because they were across the globe, they didn't think anyone would notice.
Lohan and Ronson were also allegedly seen sucking face at New York's Plumm club on an earlier occasion. And Lindsay herself has supposedly spoken to friends about the relationship, calling it an "on-again/off-again" affair. Of course, this news comes in the wake of Lohan's decision to drop out of the movie The Best Time Of Our Lives, which allegedly would've featured Lohan engaging in lesbian action with co-star Keira Knightley. So now we have to wonder - did Lindsay drop out of that movie for fear of stoking the lesbian rumors, hence hurting her career? Stay tuned...
The National Enquirer is set to report that Angelina Jolie is battling an unnamed "deadly disease." This comes after months of speculation about Angelina's health, which has centered around her dwindling weight, and reports that her brother James Haven and others have expressed concern about her physical well-being. Details are sketchy as to what is supposed to be wrong with Jolie, but the Enquirer is saying that she and Brad are moving out of New Orleans, and that plans for Angie to journey to Prague to shoot a new movie may be in jeopardy.
The first thing one thinks, obviously, is that when you spend as much time in shitholes as Jolie does, you're liable to catch something. Of course, as we all know, these countries aren't shitholes - they're lovely vacation spots that just happen to look like God took a huge dump there. To be honest, it would be a miracle if Angelina hadn't contracted some kind of horrible illness by this point. Of course, Angelina was also married to Billy Bob Thornton once, which proves that her immune system is incredibly strong.
Paris and Nicky Hilton attend a baseball game. I suppose I could make a joke about how much Paris and Nicky like watching men play with balls, but frankly I don't feel like it. Anyway we know Paris doesn't really like men at all. And Nicky, of course, actually is a man. And if there were a God one or both of them would've gotten drilled by a hard foul or whatever the hell happens in baseball that could possibly injure someone who was sitting by the field. Actually, I'd really like to see Paris or Nicky - but mostly Paris - at a football game, and have this happen to her:
The kid was all right, by the way, so you can save your outrage.
Julia Roberts has come up with a novel approach to protecting her unborn child - she covers her belly with a FedEx envelope. And what is in the FedEx envelope? Some material that reflects harmful paparazzi radiation? Or maybe there's a script in there. Something Julia picked up that she's sending out, perhaps in hopes that someone will want to make a movie with her. Keep dreaming Julia. You're so over, even Joan Collins laughs at your ass.
This is what Amy Winehouse looks like when she goes out for food. Yes, she makes herself up like that for everyday activities. Because you know how important it is for a big star like Amy to always maintain her image. Um, but if I were Amy, I might consider long pants. Or perhaps a diet that involves eating. And I don't mean the styrofoam - I mean the food inside the styrofoam. Perhaps Amy was just taught wrong. "No honey, you open the container and eat the stuff inside." Well, what do you expect when you come from a family of crookbacked trolls?
It's no secret that Britney Spears's career has gone down the toilet. But, there are plenty of people out there who are willing to help the Britster if she wants it. Like Joe Simpson, father of successful recording artists Jessica and Ashlee. Joe, who guided his daughters' careers as well as provided the sperm for their creation, says he's willing to become Britney's manager. Rush & Molloy report that Joe has already reached out and tried to touch Britney - in a business sense - and that Jessica, who was once Britney's rival in poptartdom, has given her blessing to the potential endeavor.
But why would Papa Joe, who already has his daughters' careers to handle, add to his burden by taking on the troublesome Britney? Crabbie thinks he knows the answer to this. Papa Joe, you see, is just being practical. Pop stardom these days is a pretty tenuous thing - one minute you're on top of the world, and the next, well, you're Lance Bass. What you really need in this fickle climate is a long-term plan, and Papa Joe has one. Joe, who I consider one of the few geniuses of our time, knows that Jess and Ashlee, and yes Britney, don't have many more years left of potential stardom. Soon the audience will have tired of them and moved on to something else - and how will Papa Joe get paid then? Papa Joe depends on his girls earning, and it's up to Papa Joe to put them in a position to do that. So, when this whole music-and-movies gig dries up, there's got to be some other means of wringing revenue out of the girls, and Papa Joe has the perfect thing - a brothel.
The visionary Papa Joe understands the appeal of his little girls. Why do you think he's always ogling their boobs? He's sizing them up for black lace teddies. However, Jess and Ashlee, energetic as they may be, are not going to be able to handle that work-load alone. So, Joe's going to need to add to his stable - and why not start doing it now? Britney's at a vulnerable point in her life, plus she's always drunk, so she's liable to sign just about anything. All Joe needs to do is trick her into putting her name on some kind of personal services contract. Then in a couple years when Joe has his brothel going, he can segue Britney right from music into whoring. She probably won't be able to tell the difference anyway - most of her career has been sucking dick and giving lap-dances, let's face it. And all Papa Joe has to do then is sit back and watch the cash roll in, as all the horny bastards come to screw the former pop-stars. Joe Simpson - Donald Trump has nothing on this fucker.
Angelina Jolie has petitioned the L.A. County Superior Court to change adopted son Pax Thien Jolie's name to Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt. Of course, this is not the first time Pax has had his name changed by Jolie - when she adopted him he was called Pham Quang Sang. And before that he was known as Cassius Clay.
The changing of Pax's name from Jolie to Jolie-Pitt is, of course, a formality stemming from the fact that Jolie, due to restrictions on cohabitating couples adopting kids, had to adopt Pax as a single parent, then let Pitt legally adopt him later. Assuming of course that Brad is still around by the time the petition goes through. Recent reports have suggested that Angie and Brad's relationship may actually be on the rocks. So, it might not be long until Maddox, Zahara, Pax and Shiloh are having their monikers switched again. If you ask me, they should all petition the court to have their names changed to Confused L. Kidd.
Why did Ryan Reynolds dump Alanis Morissette? Could it be because he doesn't like lesbians? Oh Alanis, go ride your bike. Feel wild and free. The wind in your hair. The bugs in your teeth. Pick some gravel out of your ass after you skid off the highway. Then go find yourself a nice female truck-driver and take a bath with her.
Lindsay Lohan is obviously convinced that this new pose-striking thing of hers is a hilarious way of teasing the paps. Sorry Linds, but the joke's on you - they still get their picture no matter what you do, and frankly, the crazier you look, the better it is for them.
What is she, voguing? Gays resent that shit Lindsay - Madonna totally stole voguing from us, and tried to pass it off as her own (kind of like she's done with everything else in her career). You don't want to piss off the gays, do you Lindsay? We may not be tough but we have sharp fingernails.
This is what Kirsten Dunst looked like at the Rome premiere of Spider-Man 3. Remember, this is a day out from her wild night with Johnny Borrell in London. Someone did a good job of putting her together, but she does look a little glassy-eyed, and is obviously straining to smile. Maybe next time Kiki will remember that, when you're on a world-wide promotional tour, it's probably a good idea to just turn in at ten.
Spider-Man is a lucky guy - he has not one, but two hot young things wanting to get into his tights. Yes, in the up-coming Spider-Man 3, Kirsten Dunst has competition for the heart of Tobey McGuire - The Village star Bryce Dallas Howard. Jane magazine interviews both of Spidey's gals for May's issue, and finds out that relationships, stardom and fashion choices can be as daunting as anything in a superhero blockbuster.
Kirsten Dunst on dating actors:
I don’t ever want to date another actor again. This quote is probably going to come back in my face, but I know someone who has a great saying: "There are no actors, there are only actresses"… Sometimes creative people can be very dark and destructive...I’m only saying bad things. I do know a few actors who are good and sweet and adorable.
(there are no actors, there are only pansies)
On being a fashion icon:
I don’t want to be one. It’s so much pressure! The one thing I don’t like in L.A. is the paparazzi. When I do go out of the house, I think, “Okay, do I look ridiculous?” I wish I could just wear Ugg boots with an old tee and look like a total nerd. But people make fun of you, and it doesn’t feel good to be made fun of.
(sure Kiki - you take real care not to look ridiculous when you leave the house. why do you almost always look ridiculous then? oh, and Uggs are made with sheepskin. don't you care about the animals Kiki? you animal-murdering fug-nerd.)
On being a redhead in Spider-Man 3:
I always thought that as a redhead, I got attention from cooler guys. Blondes attract everybody, but redheads attract guys who are more interesting. They’re usually sweet and nerdy.
(i thought redheads always attracted abusive types. you know, something about red hair just makes you want to slap a person in the mouth.)
Bryce Dallas Howard on being married (to actor Seth Gabel):
I’m really happy, so I’m not going to argue. I was the worst single person on the planet! All I would do is stalk one person incessantly until he finally dated me.
(oh dear, sounds like Opie's daughter has some issues. well, she is a redhead.)
On father Ron Howard making her wait to become an actress:
When I was young there would be kids on my dad’s sets, like for Parenthood, and I’d be like "Why can’t I be one?" But my parents were firm that I couldn’t consider [acting professionally] until college.
(what? you mean they didn't push you into show-biz, thereby turning you into a complete head-case? do your parents love you or something? that's just fucked up, right Lindsay?)
On being a blonde:
After I dyed my hair blonde, I went to Whole Foods, and all of a sudden the men there were really helpful. I was like, "What is this?" I never get attention.
(I get the same reaction when I wear my assless pants.)
Read more of Kirsten Dunst and Bryce Dallas Howard's interview in the May issue of Jane, on-sale April 24th. Or head over to janemag.com for more photos and interview excerpts.
Folks working on Victoria Beckham's new NBC reality show say Poshy is a major bitch. This comes as a shock to Crabbie - cause I thought Poshy's reality show had already been more-or-less nixed by NBC. Apparently they've decided to go ahead with it. The crew of the show, however, may not think they're being paid enough, given what Poshy has made them put up with. Said one irked employee:
We think she's full of herself and not very nice. She's very picky, demanding and rude. And she was mean to the assistants, too. ... She waltzes around with her icy attitude. People will walk up to her and say, "Welcome to America," or, "Good luck with the move," and she doesn't even stop to talk to them. ... The show is designed to make her a star in the States, but she's dreaming if she thinks that's going to happen. She's coming off as a grade-A bitch!
Yeah, all right - Poshy is demanding and rude and icy toward "regular people." Pardon me if I don't do a spit-take over that one. See, it's like this - generally speaking, the less a person actually has going for them, the more stuck-up and snotty they behave. It's a kind of defense mechanism. If Poshy ever dropped her queenly airs, it would become painfully apparent that, well, she doesn't really have anything else. In truth, the only way to appreciate this bitch is to take her as a giant joke. And she is. But NBC doesn't get this. They want to treat her like a star and build a reality show around her - but apparently they're having trouble coming up with material. Said the above-quoted source:
No one knows what to do with her to make the show interesting - she's so boring! Every suggestion the producers make, she rejects.
Oh, well Crabbie might have a few suggestions Poshy would like. Hmm...let's see. I know. Why don't we hire some really hot-looking Asian male models, oil them up, then get David to strip down and play naked soccer with them. Then let's get the models and David all liquored up and have them form an Abu Ghraib-like man-pyramid. And then someone can tell Poshy there's a huge diamond ring hidden inside the man-pyramid and we can all watch as she roots around looking for it. Sounds like a damn entertaining show to me. A sight better than Gray's Anatomy, I'm thinking.
Apparently that really was Paris Hilton's number that Shanna Moakler gave away on her MySpace - cause this morning Paris's rep told Page 6 that her client was bombarded with prank calls Friday night in Vegas. So congratulations to all you prank callers out there - you ruined Paris Hilton's Vegas trip.
Something else funny: Paris's rep calling Moakler's actions "childish and mean-spirited" and saying, "It appears to me that this woman is desperate for press and attention." And the woman you work for is what? A recluse?
Check out the state of Britney Spears's midriff. Damn girl - that lipo really worked. Not only are your teeth pearly-white, but you have abs now. No more sloppy flabby Britney. You be tight again. Uh, except for your face, and clothes, and hair. Oh yeah, and your life in general. But hey - at least you're not a big fat cow anymore.
Rod Stewart's son Sean is being investigated for assault with a deadly weapon after a vicious attack in Hollywood Saturday night. Reportedly, Sean and some friends became agitated after they were refused entry to a party at a private home, and were further infuriated when other folks began teasing them for being such losers. This all somehow prompted the gang of would-be toughs to later attack two people in a truck, hurling bricks and a trash-can at the vehicle, and then assaulting the passengers, a married couple. The wife reportedly received "massive lacerations" from broken windshield glass and had to be taken to Cedars Sinai for treatment.
This morning, Page 6 speculated that Sean may have been in a bad mood because A&E dropped his reality show Sons of Hollywood. So now, apparently, when would-be celebs have their silly dreams dashed, the appropriate response is to perpetrate some kind of Mad Max assault on a couple of random people. Is this insanity or what? I don't know about you, but I'm buying a Glock and some hollow-tips. Gun-control be damned - if I see some fucker who looks like Sean Stewart coming, I want to be armed. The world is being overrun by crazed Korean college students and out-of-control celebrity progeny, and I don't know about you, but I ain't getting caught with my pants down (unless butt-sex somehow becomes involved).
Some rehab somewhere just got a whole lot hotter - cause Jonathan Rhys Meyers has checked himself in.
Meyers, the outrageously gorgeous star of Match Point (in which he proved his acting prowess by pretending to want Scarlett Johansson and her ridiculous mammaries), entered an alcohol-treatment facility after what his rep called, "a non-stop succession of filming." Huh - I had no idea "drinking" was now called "filming." So I guess Crabbie didn't drink himself into a stupor on a nightly basis back in the '70s, he filmed himself into one. "Have you been filming again?" No - I've been fucking drinking. And snorting blow. And there was a gang-bang with these Puerto Ricans. God, I wish Jonathan Rhys Meyers had been there. He makes Crabbie harder than Michael Jackson at a kindergarten Christmas program.
Kirsten Dunst went out drinking with her boyfriend Johnny Borrell in London last night, and the results were less-than-attractive. In other words, it was classic Kiki.
Kiki and Johnny hit famed nightspot the Hawley Arms in Camden, after Kiki had attended the London premiere of Spider-Man 3. Johnny, by the way, didn't attend the premiere - because Kiki thought things were "getting too serious." Sure Kiki. And who did you duck into a broom-closet for a quikie with at the premiere? Jesus you are a slut.
"The lights - so bright - tell them to turn them down Jimmy. Joey. What the fuck is your name again?"
It's an epidemic that's sweeping the nation - women in high jeans that make them look like they're wearing Depends. Or, maybe it doesn't just look like that - maybe they are wearing Depends. Maybe, today's busy young starlet doesn't have time to hit the john, and needs to be able to just drop a load wherever she is. Hell, it worked for Fergie - without the diaper. And it worked for this crazy bitch too:
Could our finest young celebrity hotties be taking their cues from a deranged astronaut? I don't know. All I'm sure of is that I hope this denim diaper thing runs its course soon. Cause I really don't need anymore pictures of Jessica Simpson looking like this:
It seemed innocent enough - a little affectionate peck on the cheek from Jake Gyllenhaal to Jennifer Aniston, as Jake presented her the GLAAD Awards Vanguard trophy. But, in the mind of a deranged, jealous hag, even the most innocuous things can trigger insane rages. Reese Witherspoon, apparently, is one such maniac. Only recently, it was revealed that Reese and Jake were an item - and already Reese suspects Jake's eyes, and lips, of straying. All because Jake wanted to show Jennifer, in a sweet, spontaneous way, how fantastic a girl he thinks she is.
Of course, innocence is in the eye of the beholder. The picture of Jake and Jennifer may look like nothing big to us, but people who were there insist there was more to it than just friendliness. Said a witness:
It wasn't just a polite peck on the cheek. There was definitely feeling in that embrace.
And apparently Reese agrees. Reportedly, upon hearing about the kiss, she became despondent. Said a friend:
Reese is very unhappy about it because she really thinks Jake is everything that [ex-husband] Ryan [Phillippe] wasn't. She thinks he's sensitive, caring and understanding. Now she's beginning to wonder … She always thought Jake to be intelligent and charming. That's why she's so stunned by the photographs of Jake and Jen. She's really hurt by what she's seen. They seem to be very explicit and everyone knows Jennifer's looking for love.
Yes, Jennifer is perpetually on the hunt for love. Seems like she can't hold a man at all. And a woman like that, especially one who's getting on in years, may become desperate. Reese understands this - that Jake is irresistible to both men and women, and that Aniston is well-versed in the art of seduction. What happens if Jen and Jake re-kindle the romance they reportedly enjoyed on the set of their movie The Good Girl years ago? Could Jennifer steal Jake from Reese? Could Reese hire someone to have Jennifer killed? Could Jake show up at Crabbie's door one morning dressed only in a single strand of crepe paper?
Jake, for his part, denies he is already moving away from Reese. Here is what he reportedly told some friends:
She's the most exciting woman I've met in years. She's beautiful, intelligent, she's a family woman, a fantastic mom and someone who knows what true love is. ... If I've made her mad, I'm sorry. I mean really sorry. She's the best thing that's happened to me. I have so much respect for her, and I think we are falling in love. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her intentionally. I should have been more careful.
Yes Jake, you should've been more careful. That Aniston is a man-trap. Plus she's bitter and possibly insane. These women - why bother with them at all? Dick is where it's at Jake - throbbing middle-aged dick. Remember that.
Who is that slut? Oh, it's Kat McPhee at the Young Hollywood Awards. Um - why is Kat McPhee at the Young Hollywood Awards? What movies has she been in? Besides those amateur pornos we know are around. Oh, Kat - you're so hot with your sunglasses and boobage. Keep trying this hard and you might even convince someone you're not a stupid, boring doofus.
Jakeypoo plays with his doggies at a park. By the way, if you're curious - the thing Jake is holding is for chucking tennis balls. I know, I didn't have a clue at first either. The Dirty Disher and I had a discussion about it, but she was just as vexed as me. Now, thanks to Perez's readers, the mystery is solved. You use that thing to cup balls - no, I mean throw balls. God, that just slipped out. Jake Gyllenhaal cupping balls? We know that never happens. Oh God - Jake, caress me with your ball-cupper. Chucker. I'm sorry, I need to go jack...er...towel off.
Britney Spears is just toying with us now. I mean, honestly - what the hell is this? Did she steal that hat off a dead Mexican ranch-hand? And what's with the fur thing? It looks like something Jeremiah Johnson would wear if he were a tad gay. Britney keeps insisting there's nothing wrong with her, but wardrobes speak louder than words.
Keanu Reeves and his new woman have some chow at the Moscow restaurant in the Beverly Wilshire hotel. I'm pretty sure the Moscow has a no shirt, no shoes, no service policy, which means Keanu must have had to throw on some dirty old Keds. By the way, the girl is named Martha Higadera. Apparently she's some kind of Mexican actress. A legitimate one, not porn. Anyway, it's nice to see Keanu looking like he has his stuff more or less together. He's still pretty hot, even though, with each passing day, he comes closer to looking like a Baldwin.
It didn't take the producers of the Dylan Thomas flick The Best Time of Our Lives long to find a replacement for departed star Lindsay Lohan. Sienna Miller, reports Variety, will be stepping into Lohan's stinky, puke-filled shoes, tackling the role of Caitlin MacNamara, Thomas's wife, who reportedly has a lesbian moment with his lover Vera Phillips, played by Keira Knightley.
So here's the scorecard for Lindsay's dropped parts:
Bill. Dropped out because the director wasn't famous enough. Replaced by Jessica Alba.
A Woman of No Importance. Dropped out because she was concerned about her health (ha!). Replaced by Jessica Biel.
The Best Time Of Our Lives. Dropped out because of a contract dispute. Won't admit the real reason - she didn't want to curb her partying for the duration of the shoot, as the producers undoubtedly demanded. Replaced by Sienna Miller.
Crabbie has no particular sense that Alba, Biel or Miller is necessarily more talented than Lohan, or sexier. Each is certainly more professional though. What Lindsay needs to learn is this - when you're competing for parts with women who are by-and-large as accomplished as you, if not more accomplished, the one thing you definitely need to project is reliability. You are not the greatest thing since bread came sliced, Linds. And frankly your looks are already going. The only question I ask is, why would any producer take you in the first place? I'd rather have Alba, Biel or Miller (even if Miller has that "tourette's" problem of hers). You'd better shape up fast, Linds, or you won't have the parts to drop in the first place.
David Gest apparently decided the world wasn't hearing enough from him, cause lately he's just been yak-yak-yakking up a storm. Of course, his number one topic of conversation is himself. How he doesn't understand why people think he's gay, for one thing. I can probably clear that up in ten words or fewer David, but screw it - if you haven't figured it out by now, then no one can explain it to you. Oh, and now David's decided to regurgitate another little bit of unsolicited personal info: that, when he was a kid, his mother used to encourage him to do drugs. Here's what David said:
I smoked marijuana perhaps twice a week and took uppers and downers from the ages of 15 to 24. But that wasn't unusual then - it was towards the end of a hippy era. ... My parents knew I took pot. In fact my mother told me to go to my room to smoke so I wasn't out somewhere getting into trouble. Now I hate drugs. I constantly tell kids to stay away from them - they are the root of all evil.
David - that is so rich. You hate drugs? Why the hell did you marry Liza Minnelli then? Cause I always thought it was for her medicine cabinet. Didn't I read somewhere that, in the divorce settlement, you demanded custody of the Percocet? You don't take drugs. Right. And you never had any plastic surgery either. And you're never sucked a dick. Oh, and another little thing Dave - about your mom telling you to go to your room and do drugs? That wasn't to keep you out of trouble hon - she was hoping you'd overdose. The bitch hated you. And another thing, while we're on this subject - do you really think that telling people you smoked pot when you were 15 is going to make them think you're cool? Look at yourself David. You're a fat, old, bald fruit with a mug like Leatherface. And one more thing - you're constantly telling kids to stay away from drugs? Well, that's funny, cause I'm constantly telling kids to stay away from you. Drugs, David, are not the root of all evil - sick, deluded fuckers like you are.
She beams with the kind of self-satisfaction that can only be acquired after years of being convinced you're never wrong. She doesn't just visit the little African orphans - she bestows her presence on them, like a veiny-armed angel descending from some kind of gay-nightclub rip-off heaven. Stripped of glamour and artifice, she tries to seem like a child of the earth, a beneficent force of nature - and yet cannot escape seeming utterly artificial. It nags at you, this sense that she is only about the image, the surface. You want to believe there is real charity in her soul - she cares about the orphans, and wants to give them a better life - but you've seen her on TV too many times, you've lived too long with the calculations, the shrewd manipulations. This product of modern-day media - who also had a hand in inventing those media - has undergone a long and winding evolution: she flaunted her non-virginity, snarling half-ironically, tweaking the same sensibilities Elvis naively offended decades before; she fomented controversy, even taking on her own religion; and now she has decided, logically I suppose, that being an icon isn't enough - she wants to be a full-fledged Messiah.
No, Madonna is no ironist - she may want us to think she is, as she dangles from that disco-cross, but the outward appearance of playful facetiousness has always been her cover; underneath she believes every word her own ego whispers in her eager ear. And lately it's been whispering something grander than usual - it's been telling her there's something more for her out there than stardom; that she's always been destined for something greater than mere idolhood. Anyone can be a pop-star now - even Sanjaya, who doesn't know that he's a joke. The true stars have to reach beyond making audiences cheer - they have to make all the world their stage, and all humanity their idolaters. And naturally, for these purposes, the powerless are always the ideal victims. Hence the trip to Africa - the adoption, the orphanage visit, the ceremonies; as if this were some foreign dignitary visiting, and not a mere singer. Oh - but she is a foreign dignitary; one with Messianic delusions, and a lot of money to spend.
The reports are coming out of Malawi now, that Madonna isn't only interested in picking up another adopted baby, isn't only interested in taking over the orphanage in Mchinji (where the pastor is old and sick and willing to hand her the keys). For a little over a year now, Madonna has been pumping money into the country - through her charity, Raising Malawi, which has allowed her to acquire a stake in numerous orphanages, hospitals, even whole villages. But there's more to this story than meets the eye. Raising Malawi has been responsible for distributing food, medical supplies, and other health-related items throughout that impoverished nation - but Raising Malawi is co-run by Michael Berg, the son of Philip Berg, who is rabbi and Dean of the Kabbalah Center. Of course, Raising Malawi itself is not being used as a means of spreading Kabbalah, Madonna's adopted religion - that task belongs to another of Madonna's endeavors, the euphemistically-named Spirituality for Kids program. Through this course, Madonna hopes to indoctrinate thousands of Malawian children into the ways of Kabbalah. An inside source put it bluntly to the Daily Mail, "When you get right down to it, she is looking to have her own state with her religion."
But what is this Kabbalah, that Madonna has so famously become the face of? Strictly speaking, it is an ancient set of Jewish teachings, which have traditionally only been transmitted by Jewish sages. The aim of Kabbalah is to "bring man spiritually closer to God, and empower man with higher insight into the inner-workings of God’s creation, effectively enabling prophecy and even control over nature." At least, that is Kabbalah as it was known for centuries. In recent times it has become a fad religion; like Scientology, it has many adherents among Hollywood-types, and has benefitted by all those wealthy people injecting it with money. Of course, when Hollywood-types get their hands on something, it has a way of mutating - and this has been true of Kabbalah, whose modern-day permutation has little in common with ancient Jewish mysticism.
The man behind the new Kabbalah is none other than rabbi Philip Berg, who founded the famed Kabbalah Center in L.A. Perhaps hoping to spruce up a dusty set of beliefs, Berg has introduced some new-fangled, some would say bizarre teachings into the faith - for instance, that mentally ill people are actually possessed by evil spirits, and that "unseen extraterrestrial forces affect terrestrial affairs." It is the Kabbalah of Philip Berg - and Madonna - that's being taught in Malawi - spread to the vulnerable young of that country, by ministers who were taught in America. And what exactly are these children being told by these ready-made wise-men? Reportedly, the new Kabbalah preaches a simplistic form of karmic tit-for-tat - if you do something bad, the children are being taught, something bad will happen to you. No, not sin leading to hell - but a bad act leading directly to some earthly misfortune. As one student of Spirituality for Kids wrote: "I had a bicycle accident because I did bad things"; and a second: "When travelling I hit my foot on a stone because of the bad things I did." Of course this leaves open the question - who decides what is a bad thing? God? Philip Berg? And, as Daily Mail reporter Natalie Clarke asks, what effect could this sort of teaching have on the impressionable young of a nation long-plagued by disease and famine?
Madonna, it is clear, wants to adopt the whole nation of Malawi - and re-make it in her grandiose image. Of course, not everyone in Malawi is fooled. The Roman Catholics there have raised objections to Madonna's Kabbalah-spreading activities, and many of the "Kabbalah bibles" Madonna sent remain undistributed. It seems that the long-established hold of Christianity may be slipping in Malawi however - and is it a coincidence that Madonna is largely responsible for this usurpation? Madonna, who has made a career out of being sacrilegious - always behind that veil of chintzy irony and commercial ambition. What really motivates this woman, named after the holiest female in all Christendom? This child of a Catholic upbringing who has openly criticized that church, finally rejecting it? And what are we to make of these Kabbalah teachings, which seem specifically calculated to engender feelings of guilt? A wise man once said that, in a dictatorship, the nation takes on the personality of the dictator. Germany became homicidally racist because Hilter was. The Soviet Union became paranoid because Stalin was. If the entire nation of Malawi becomes guilt-ridden and de-Christianized, whose personality will this mirror? What's really going on behind that deglamorized glamorous facade of Madonna's?
This is Beyonce from a gig in Sydney the other day. All right - who let Beyonce watch Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now she thinks she's gonna do a bunch of freaky Halloween tranny-moves. Damn it Beyonce, I thought after Jennifer Hudson humiliated you, that you were just going to go away. Guess not. Ugh, don't you have someone's heart to rip out you evil-looking bitch?
Pretty much everyone hates Lindsay Lohan right now. Paris, Shanna, God - and you can add Keira Knightley to that list too. Of course, unlike the others (except God), Keira has a good reason to be angry at Lindsay. Keira, you recall, was all set to star with Lindsay in the Dylan Thomas movie The Best Time of Our Lives. Then, for reasons that still haven't been explained (but probably have to do with producers demanding behavioral assurances from the infamously unreliable Lohan), Lindsay dropped out of the film. This got Keira's goat - because Keira actually lobbied for Lindsay to be in the film (for some reason), and feels that Lindsay stabbed her in the back.
Ha - join the club Keira. Just about everyone in the world has been betrayed, let-down or otherwise screwed over by Lindsay. That's because the bitch has no soul. She has developed beyond the sociopathic to the downright deranged. Basically, Lindsay thinks the universe revolves around her, therefore she can do whatever she pleases. Contracts, agreements, pledges - these things mean nothing to Lohan. And why should they? She was essentially brought up by snakes - and how can you expect a baby snake to have any honor? So, Keira, if I were you I wouldn't be too upset. You can always find another actress to do your little lesbo scene with. One who will be less likely to go crazy and start ripping your hair out.
Hilary Duff finally found someone who'll hang out with her - Dumbo. But enough about Hilary's ass (she calls it Dumbo - ha ha). What's with that freaking elephant? And why is Hilary fondling its trunk as if it were a phallus? Is that wishful thinking Hilary? Yeah, sorry hon - even the elephant doesn't want you. That's because you're stupid and boring. Let's face it, Hil - Lizzie Maguire was the peak of your career. As soon as the pedos stopped being interested, it was over for you. Might as well just go to dental school or something. Or learn to juggle maybe. I don't know...
This is "rocker" Marilyn Manson (carrot juice is soooo hardcore) walking around in London with his ever-creepier girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. Dang - even when she's walking around outside, Evan's got spooky lighting. What's the deal with this chick anyway? Everyone says she's trying to look like Marilyn's ex Dita Von Teese. I definitely think he's been coaching and dressing her. The '50s-ish heart sunglasses, the barrette, the pale face and red lipstick - she's like an android Lolita at this point. And Marilyn - I know you've got an "alternative" rep to keep up, but don't you think you're trying a bit too hard? Do you really need the vest with the garage sale t-shirt and Goodwill bin leather jacket?
Some people look at these two and see "cool couple." I look at them and see an old queen who's going bald, has more lipstick on than his girlfriend, and doesn't realize that people stopped giving a shit about him ten years ago. And i see a misguided young woman who thinks this "interesting" older man is showing her the world, when all he's really showing her is what it's like hanging out with a controlling, pretentious ass who's entire image is nothing but a compensatory facade he cooked up because he was too emotionally brittle to deal with being picked on as a kid. Take your self seriously much, Brian?
All right, it appears all the news today is going to have to do with Paris Hilton one way or another. Here we see the wonky-eyed one at Tao in Las Vegas hanging with Kevin Federline - now I know there's no God, because if there was, He would not permit a thing like this. No, this has to be the work of Satan. Or a couple of clever publicists - which is about the same thing. Of course, the sad thing about this is that Paris thinks she's tweaking her former pal Britney. Sorry to break it to you Paris, but Britney doesn't give a shit - she's too busy having arguments with the voices in her head to care if you fuck around with Federline. And besides, looking at your face in that picture, I'd say you're not exactly thrilled to have the world's most famous deadbeat on your arm. Frankly, you look like you'd rather be anywhere but there.
The first return volley has been fired in the whole Shanna vs. Paris/Lindsay affair, and it's come from an unexpected source - ex Lindsay fuck-buddy/alleged almost-fiancee Harry Morton. In case you missed it, last night, Shanna Moakler - angered over her MySpace page and email being hacked - took it upon herself to post some private phone-numbers/addresses belonging to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (whom Shanna blames for something; I'm still trying to figure out exactly what). So, today, Harry got back at Shanna by posting the following on his own MySpace:
dancing with the dlisters
myspace.com/privacycunt is not who everyone thinks it is, that url has been hacked/leaked and has not been her account for a while, its now run by some desperate loser who stole her url the second her account was deleted.
this fatass needs to be more focused on keeping her legs closed more then being worried about whos fucking that deadbeat rocker.
starkitten@tmail.com = 10 DILDOS IN HER ASS
So Harry has confirmed what we already knew - that Lindsay's MySpace account doesn't belong to Lindsay. He also confirmed that he still carries a torch for the bitch, otherwise why would he take up for her in such fashion. Oh, and Harry - just to show what a witty fellow he is - also posted the above nekkid photo of Shanna, complete with naughty Perez-like doodles (extra censorship by Crabbie). Isn't everyone behaving in such a wonderful, grown-up fashion? Goodness.
Shanna Moakler is no fan of Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. I know because, last night, Shanna got angry at them and posted some of their sensitive personal information on her MySpace blog. And that's not the kind of thing you do to someone you like. Unless your idea of showing friendship is forcing people to change their Blackberry and email addresses, and phone numbers.
Yes, Paris Hilton's personal phone-number is up on the web. 310-801-0148. Call it now and tell the twat what you really think of her. Nah, her voice-mail thing is full anyway. It was still amusing to call it though. It made me feel like Perez.
At any rate, I'm sure Paris and Lindsay will both have an amusing response for Shanna. Paris will probably call her a "cunt" or a "twat" - she sure has an expansive vocabulary, that Paris - while Lindsay will undoubtedly compose a rambling email screed and dispatch it to Page 6, who, when they're done giggling, will publish it. And then we'll get to read it, and see just how stupid Lindsay is (as if we needed further evidence).
Update: Crabbie did some checking and apparently that Hilton number has been around for at least a couple of months. It's been posted on Perez's site in the comments, so I'm sure lots of idiots have called it. And I doubt Paris would keep a number that had been compromised like that. Unless she is just a complete moron. Er...okay, so maybe it is her number.
Laguna Beach slut Kristin Cavallari and Saved By the Bell homo Mario Lopez turn out for the new Two Door Clothing Speedy Collection. Free stuff - that's how people like Kristin and Mario survive. And giving blow jobs. Mario's way better at it though, I'm betting. Cavallari probably gives it the hand-and-mouth, while Mario goes deep-throat. And I'm guessing Cavallari's never even heard of the perineum.
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are officially a couple. I know because they're holding hands in this picture. This is what's known as publicly declaring your love. Or maybe Ashlee just went blind and Pete is now her seeing-eye dog. Well, she is wearing sunglasses - and a black knit cap like a cat-burglar. Actually, those hips make her look more like the Hamburglar. God, even Mischa Barton thinks Ashlee has wide hips. And Pete - does this man have the world's largest collection of hoodies or what? I mean, Imelda Marcos had shoes, and Pete Wentz has hoodies. Aw, and Ashlee is starting to kind of dress like him, isn't she? Chicks subsuming their identity is so adorable.
Bollywood mega-stars Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan wed today in Mumbai. The traditional Hindu ceremony featured Bachchan riding in on a white horse, and the couple taking their vows around a sacred fire. With their shoes off presumably. And there was no kissing or drinking either - otherwise the two would've gotten chucked in jail if not stoned to death.
Alec Baldwin makes fun of his 11-year-old daughter Ireland on David Letterman - in an episode taped just hours before his now-infamous voice-mail tirade.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes arrive for last night's big gala fundraiser on behalf of Scientology's 9/11 detox program. So the deal is this - Scientology has been offering its dubious detoxification services to New York rescue workers affected by post-9/11 illnesses. Lots of scientists, as well as New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, have denounced the program, but Cruise's brainwashing powers are apparently stronger than reason, because this bullshit has been officially endorsed by New York's EMT union. Seems a few of the rescue workers have allegedly been helped by the detox, which involves overdosing on niacin and sweating poisons from your body in marathon sauna sessions. A few people even claim to have passed hunks of glass through their pores. No way these folks were paid large sums of money by Scientology to say these things. Anyway, Cruise seems to have impressed everyone there in New York. Here's what Pat Bahnken, president of the city's paramedics and EMT union, told Page Six:
[Cruise] said how grateful he was to everyone for supporting the project. He took time out to speak to every person. It took him an hour to get through the hallway. He was talking to everyone. It was genuine, nothing phony about it.
Exactly, Pat. There is nothing phony about it. That's because Tom isn't pretending - he actually believes this shit. But, I hate to break the news to you - just because a movie star says something is real, that doesn't make it real. Tom can show all the conviction and concern he wants - that doesn't change the fact that Scientology's detox program is a load of horseshit. It doesn't change the fact that Scientology is using 9/11, Katrina and Virginia Tech as platforms to advance their agenda, and win converts. And win converts they are doing - including New York City councilman Joseph Addabbo, who said the following:
I cannot stand idly by and see something that is working be ignored. The project seems to work. I've seen it firsthand.
Waffling a bit there Joseph? "The project seems to work. I've seen it firsthand." So does it work or only seem to work? Make up your fucking mind. Oh, and by the way - people who live in Addabbo's district. How do you feel about your councilman kissing Hollywood ass, and endorsing medical quackery, and helping to exploit the brave souls who risked it all on 9/11? What does this guy get out of it anyway? Maybe you'd like to ask him. His office phone-number is (718) 738-1111. Give him a ring. Ask him why he's helping a shady cult make money off the suffering of New York's heroes.
Bollywood hunk Abhishek Bachchan is getting ready to marry his sweetheart, Bollywood beauty Aishwarya Rai (who may or may not already be married to a tree). Apparently this is a cause for great celebration in India, where people have taken to the streets to dance and frolic and possibly burn Richard Gere in effigy. But not everyone in India is smiling at the impending Aish-Abhi nuptials. For one crazy broad named Jahnvi Kapoor, the wedding is a matter of terrific consternation - a fact she let Bachchan in on by driving up to his house and slashing her wrist, in full view of photographers.
Um, Jahnvi - I think you might be crazy hon. Of course, if you're a jilted lover of Bachchan's, then it makes perfect sense, right?
Oh, you were his lover? And he promised to marry you but reneged? You mean he'd rather get hitched to that gorgeous former beauty-queen Aishwarya Rai than your scraggly ass? What the hell's the matter with him anyway? You are one hot babe, Jahnvi. Seriously. Nothing says sexy like a chick with bugs in her hair, and big scars all up and down her arms. Just ask Brad Pitt.
I kid, Jahnvi. Actually, I'm quite concerned about you. You seem, well, crazy, and that makes me sort of sad. I think what you really need is a man - and not Abhishek, who's out of your league anyway. No, you need someone who can sympathize with you - who knows what it feels like to be jilted by someone beautiful and famous.
Hey, I've got it. The perfect person for you Jahnvi. Er, well, maybe not "person," but, since you're Indian, I don't think you'll mind (Aishwarya didn't)...
Here's Mischa Barton at some kind of promotional event in London. Um - what exactly is Mischa selling in this picture? I mean besides ugly; she's always selling ugly. Maybe the red arm-band? Some kind of charity thing is it? Wear a red arm-band on behalf of hydrocephalic milk-men? Or maybe it's for Mischa. Does she have some kind of condition we're not aware of? I mean besides her learning disability and hammer toes.
So I guess Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are back together. Funny, but I had completely forgotten they existed. Oh, Owen and Kate walking down the sidewalk together. Don't they look happy? Er, not really. As a matter of fact they look miserable. What, was a stiff north wind blowing directly into their faces? Kate looks like she's about to cry, and Owen - well, I just hope we don't hear about Owen sending any manifestos to NBC, is all I'm gonna say. Cause that dude looks about ready to go Oldboy on somebody's ass.
Matthew McConaughey makes yoga sexy. Oh, he's so serene and in touch with his inner-whateverthefuck. Hmm, I wonder if he can stick his feet behind his neck.
Britney Spears's unceremonious firing of manager Larry Rudolph has apparently led to bad feelings within her family. Yesterday, Britney's father Jamie released a statement to Page 6, expressing disappointment over Britney's treatment of Rudolph, and concern for his daughter's well-being:
When Larry Rudolph talked Britney into going into rehab, he was doing what her mother, father and team of professionals with over 100 years of experience knew needed to be done. She was out of control. Larry was the one chosen by the team to roll up his sleeves and deliver the message, to help save her life. ... The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter's statements about him over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, she blames him and her family for where she is at today with her kids and career. Larry has always been there for Britney. For this, we will forever be grateful to him.
Jamie and the rest of the Spears brood may feel gratitude toward Larry for his efforts on troubled Britney's behalf, but Britney obviously doesn't. Said Britney through her rep:
I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It's sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman's love. I am concentrating on my work and my life right now.
Okay Britney, explain that one. The men that have been in your life don't know how to accept a real woman's love. And what, exactly, would "accepting a real woman's love" entail, in your opinion? Sitting there quiet and letting the "real woman" (presumably you) do whatever the hell she pleases? I think we've just gotten a little insight into the workings of your addled brain, Britney. To you, "love" means never being criticized, never being told you've done anything wrong. "You're a complete out-of-control slut with drug problems and two kids you don't pay any attention to, but it's all good, because I love you." I hate to break it to you Brit, but what you're talking about isn't love, it's cowardice. Like so many brittle, neurotic narcissists, what you really want, Britney, is to be surrounded by people who enable you - people who do nothing but kiss your ass, and tell you how great you are, how perfect in every way. "You're so hot Britney, and you're so smart, and it's so great the way you hit me with that stun-gun every thirty seconds. My uncontrollable twitches are signs of love." Get over yourself Britney - you are obviously a trainwreck, and your old man and Larry Rudolph tried to help your sorry ass, but you'd rather hang out with sycophants and assholes who lie for you. Like the friend of yours who told Page 6 this about your admission to Promises:
[Britney] had no drugs in her system when she was admitted to Promises - they [tested her] and there was nothing. She was embarrassed she had to go in there when she knew she was suffering from postpartum depression, not a drug or alcohol problem.
Sure Britney. And I suppose it was postpartum depression that made you look like this on New Year's when you infamously collapsed and had to be hauled away by dancers:
And I'm positive PPD was to blame when you were going around with Paris Hilton looking like this last fall:
Oh, and here's another rich one via the same "friend," concerning your famed head-shaving incident:
Britney's aunt had just died of cancer. She was feeling very guilty because she hadn't been there with her, she was overwhelmingly depressed and she shaved her head in solidarity.
Damn, you get depressed a lot Britney. Maybe you should see a shrink. Or Brooke Shields. Jesus Britney, how dumb do you and your friends think we are? You were forced to go into rehab against your will by Larry Rudolph and your family? You spent a month there, and went to AA meetings, because they made you? Are you an adult or a child? Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that - we already know the answer. You're a "real woman," right Britney? The kind whose love men can't accept.
Paris Hilton is such a slut, it actually makes your head spin. For the last few weeks, we had been told that the flighty heiress was dating Josh Henderson of Desperate Housewives fame - but in the world of Paris, "dating" means something a little different than it does for everybody else. Apparently, for Paris, "dating" means sticking your tongue down somebody's throat in public, then ceasing to pay attention to them because you're too busy obsessing over your own imagined fabulousness. You know, you treat men like dogs - show them affection when you feel like it, and ignore them the rest of the time. Well, Paris has apparently moved on from Josh Henderson to a new dog - James Blunt.
Crooner Blunt, who recently broke up with model/functional retard Petra Nemcova, was seen snogging Paris at Teddy's Wednesday night. You know the drill: "They were all over each other."; "They ended up at Paris's house afterward." Paris's house - is that the one with pictures of Paris covering every square inch of wall space? Wonder what old James thought when he saw that. "Wow - this chick really digs herself." At that point, I believe, a rational man - you know, one who was using his brain for thinking - would perform a neat 180 and get the hell out of there. Not James apparently. He stayed - and now he and Paris are "dating." Which means he can look forward to having his tonsils massaged at Teddy's for a few more nights. Assuming Paris doesn't forget he's there altogether.
Keira Knightley, weakened by malnutrition, passes out in the lap of her boyfriend Rupert Friend. No, I'm just kidding - I have no idea if that is in fact Rupert Friend. Oh, all right, it is Rupert. I guess. Anyway, Keira must be truly relieved today - cause she thought she was going to have to be in a movie with Lindsay Lohan, but now Lindsay has bailed. Seriously, there's no way Keira could've been looking forward to having to put up with Lindsay. The kind of mind-games Lindsay likes to play - Keira would've been a nervous wreck. Then again, there would've been one nice thing about having Lindsay around - all the paparazzi would've paid attention to her, leaving Keira alone. And you know how Keira hates photographers. So maybe she's not happy after all (eat a sandwich Keira).
The National Enquirer reports that actress Selma Blair recently completed a one-month stint at Promises, the rehab facility made famous by Britney Spears. According to the tab, Blair had been struggling with substance abuse for some time, but it became worse after she split with her husband Ahmet Zappa. A source told the Enquirer:
[Selma] embraced what she learned at Promises and distinguished herself as a model patient.
Yeah she did - cause she's boring. Not cool like Britney, all getting it on with Howie Day behind the bushes, and demanding the facility turn entire wings over to her. I mean, come on - Selma Blair? Nobody even noticed this bitch was in rehab. Seriously - I don't remember even one person saying, "You know, I haven't heard anything from Selma Blair lately." She could've gone into rehab for six months and no one would've noticed. Hell, she could've vanished into thin air like Amelia Earhart, and maybe after a year or so one of her family members would've missed her. But even they wouldn't have been that concerned.
If you're in the mood to have your skin crawl, just click this link, which takes you to a voice-mail recording TMZ has acquired, featuring Father of the Year Alec Baldwin reaming out his 11-year-old daughter Ireland for failing to answer the phone when he called her. Some choice excerpts from the insane tirade include Alec calling his daughter - who, again, is 11 - a "rude little pig," whom he threatens to "straighten out" when he flies to the West Coast tomorrow. Alec also informs Ireland that she and her mother Kim Basinger - who Alec seems to think is in league with his daughter against him - have "insulted" and "humiliated" him, and made him "feel like shit."
Well, Alec, naturally you feel like shit - you are shit. Actually, I take that back - shit at least knows better than to scream at 11-year-olds like freaking maniacs. Yeah, that kid won't be in therapy for the rest of her life.
Update: Alec Baldwin has released a statement about the voice-mail message in which he berated his 11-year-old daughter:
In the best interest of the child, Alec will do what the mother is pathologically incapable of doing ... keeping his mouth shut and obeying the court order. The mother and her lawyer leaked this sealed material in violation of a court order. Although Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in parenting his child, everyone who knows him privately knows what he has been put through for the past six years.
"Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in parenting his child." Um, Alec - that wasn't parenting, it was psychological abuse. And trying to turn this around and make Kim Basinger the villain - all right, we know Kim ain't no prize either, but still; you're on the tape screaming at your daughter, she's not. And that last line: "...everyone who knows him privately knows what he has been put through for the last six years." Uh-huh - and that excuses you I guess. Sad, Alec - sad and pathetic that you would try to weasel your way out of this by playing the "I'm really the victim" card. You are a sick, sick individual Baldwin. Seriously - even Ryan O'Neal thinks you're fucked up.
Tom Cruise's attempts at utterly brainwashing wife Katie Holmes may not have been as successful as first thought. Apparently, there is still a glimmer of the old Katie left - and that pre-Tom Katieness may finally be starting to assert itself.
Life & Style magazine (the only source for those who want to know what's really going on) reports that Katie has been "quietly reclaiming parts of her past," talking to old friends she hasn't seen since being whisked away by Tom, and generally trying to reconnect with the life she gave up before being completely taken over by Cruise and his daffy Scientology lifestyle. And, perhaps most tellingly of all, the Catholic Katie has been secretly talking to priests, and wants to enroll daughter Suri in a "kiddie Catholicism" class.
Oh, that Tom Cruise - his powers are vast, but there's something out there even more powerful than Scientology brainwashing: Catholic brainwashing. Yes, the Scientologists may be good at getting their hooks in people, but they're mere tyros compared to the Catholics, who've been doing it for 2,000 years. Obviously, Katie was seduced by Tom and his sexy Scientology ideas - I mean, who wouldn't be drawn in by such compelling stuff - but before Tom, Katie was a Catholic girl, and I'm sorry, but a couple years of being gone over by Scientologists is nothing compared to many years of being worked on by Catholics. It was inevitable that Katie's original programming would start seeping through the cracks, and overwhelm the weak-ass Scientology jive. I mean, seriously: Xenu? Alien spirits in volcanoes? That's kiddie stuff. Catholicism has all those saints, and they did real things like appear in two different places at once, manifest the wounds of Christ and knock huge oak trees over with sticks. And when it comes to healing people - Scientology has all that "touch assist" crap, but do they have magic springs in grottoes? I don't think so. No, Katie has finally come to her senses, and is getting back to the real world. No more crazy invisible spirits and nonsense mythology for Katie.
Some enterprising individual with computer knowledge (and nothing constructive to use it for) has allegedly hacked Lindsay Lohan's private MySpace page, capped a bunch of conversations between her and fellow celebs like Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos, and put samples of this ill-gotten material up on the web. The unnamed hacker also allegedly got into Lindsay's Blueberry and G-Mail accounts, and is planning on - you guessed it - putting all his booty up on a pay website a la ParisExposed.
So what kind of stuff do people like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan discuss when they're on MySpace anyway? Apparently they talk about Perez Hilton. Here's an alleged exchange between Paris (cherubrawk) and Lindsay (privacycunt):
Paris: i chill with perez on occasion, he gets invited to things. yes im not denying that but we do not talk on a regular basis, atleast not enough for your name to even be broughten up. he doesn't post bad things because he likes me, not because i tell him shit about you. so make sense before you talk. just because he doesn't like you doesn't mean you can blame that on me. i have nothing against you, well i had nothing against you. but your bi polar ass starts drama like this and gives me reasons to have things against you. me & perez aren't on any fucking team, im not associated with his blog in anyway. if it bothers you so damn much, don't go on his page.
Lindsay: FUCK YOU cunt! now that really does make me wonder...i know u chill with perez, thats a given, ... u guys use eachother like tampons. why didn't he post not 1 article or anything regarding your "stolen storage" stunt? i hate that fat fuck, and i know u had something to do with that story. look up my name on his page and just read the crazy stories he's been making up, then when we click on ur name, its always "paris at fashion week" or something Not negative. god knows what u 2 have against me, but i wont sit here and pretend like we are friends. this shits so old, i get headaches. go suck elliots dick.
Paris: dont start trouble. just because youre bored as hell doesn't give you the right to bring up all this dumb madeup shit you have going on in your head.
i don't even talk to perez so nice try with the accusation. lesbo
So you tell me - real or made up? Paris Hilton does allegedly have a public MySpace account - and this cap is supposed to show what happens when you view that page with some blocking code disabled:
Paris's Friends section is unblocked, and we see that her top friends include the ubiquitous Tom, Kim Kardashian, Josh Henderson, Harry Morton, Stavros Niarchos and the hacked Lohan profile. It also says that Paris has 9 friends. Only 9? On Paris Hilton's public MySpace profile? Oh, and surprise, surprise - they all happen to be people she's been publicly linked to in recent months. Paris has no friends, apparently, outside of people everyone's heard of. And here's something else it says on her "profile":
this whole myspace thing is overrated. if you need to reach me that bad, you'll 310 the berry. im pretty much done with this thing. i made one to prove & keep my point*
So what mysterious point was Paris trying to prove and keep? Some personal thing between her and her friends. Yes - and it conveniently explains why there's almost nothing on the page. Cause Paris wasn't really into the whole MySpace thing - it's overrated, and she was just proving a point. Or, was the page set up as a dummy by some "hacker" who was trying to make it look like Paris was conversing with Lohan? And this "hacker" just didn't want to go to the trouble to produce a convincing page, so he made up some bullshit about how Paris was only "proving a point" by having the barebones profile. Sorry - Paris Hilton doesn't set up a public MySpace account, then leave it plain, and have only 9 friends. And then go to the trouble of blocking the pictures and the Friends section? Why? Cause she's suddenly this private person? Sorry, but it's too easy for a person to set up a bunch of fake MySpace accounts under the names of famous people, then concoct some phony conversations. And maybe a few of Paris's alleged friend-links actually take you to the profiles of the real celebs - big deal. Crabbie's friended Cory Kennedy, Tori Spelling and Brody Jenner - cause people like that approve every friend-request - or have the person who keeps up the page for them do it - without bothering to check. Any idiot can friend a bunch of celebs. It surprises me, actually, that the hacker didn't friend a bunch more people just to make his fake Paris profile convincing. But, then he did hide the Friends section. But why have anything at all in it, you ask? Because he knew someone would know how to unblock it, so he had to have something in there just in case? Sorry - it's all fake. Much as I'd like to believe it's real, I can't.
Wild-man Pete Doherty proved his wild-manliness again last night by tossing a bucket of water (at least I hope it was water) on a photographer who was bugging him at Kate Moss's St. John's Wood home.
The Daily Mail rather sensationalistically describes Doherty as having doused the photographer in a "fit of rage." To me it looks like Doherty is smiling though, and the photographer also appears to be enjoying himself. Looks like a couple of drunken buds having a spot of fun at two in the morning, if you want me to be perfectly frank. By the way, according to the Daily Mail, this dousing incident took place just hours after a judge who'd ordered him to treatment praised Doherty for his efforts to kick drugs. Obviously this judge doesn'tsurf the web.
The Best Time Of Our Lives, a movie about poet Dylan Thomas and his women, was being touted as Lindsay Lohan's leap into big-time serious moviemaking. Plus there was the news that Lohan might have some kind of lesbian sex-scene with co-star Keira Knightley, which made all the pervos happy. But now the pervos and the Lindsay-can-really-act crowd will have to cool their jets for awhile - because Lindsay has decided to drop out of the flick.
According to Life & Style Weekly, Lindsay's decision to dump the project happened because of a stalemate in contract negotiations. Said a source:
[Lindsay and the producers] were unable to come to terms. She didn't back out and they didn't pull the deal. But there were changes that weren't to her liking, and that was that.
Lindsay dropping out of this movie - or being dropped, or whatever happened - is another part of an all-too-familiar trend for the actress. Not long ago, she bailed out on the Oscar Wilde adaptation A Woman of No Importance, to be replaced by Jessica Biel, and before that she ceded a role in the indie Bill to Jessica Alba because the director wasn't "a big enough name." What's it all add up to? On the surface, it looks like Lindsay is just too flighty - she takes on these parts, then changes her mind. But I suspect that, behind the scenes, there's something more sinister afoot. You take her latest drop-out - that explanation about her not being able to come to contract terms with the producers. What does that mean exactly? That they didn't offer her enough money? Didn't give in to enough of her bitchy demands? Or, given her recent history of disrupting movie shoots, did the producers expect assurances that Lindsay wasn't able to provide? Did they want something written into the contract that would guarantee Lindsay behaved herself? A no-party clause or something to that effect? Did Lindsay, in fact, drop out of this movie because she realized it would put a damper on her social life? Here's what's obvious to me - Lohan is much less serious about earning money than she is about spending it. She's been threatened with lawsuits by producers on more than one occasion - all because she doesn't know how to behave like a professional - and yet this hasn't seemed to faze her. She doesn't seem to me to care a lick about her career. But the sad truth for her is that, sooner or later, she's going to have to do something - pick a role and follow through on it. Because all those modeling contracts and other opportunities - they depend on her being a working actress. The second she stops being that, she becomes much less desirable to anyone who might want her. And then the money will stop rolling in, and Lindsay will discover - the hard way - that if you want to be a big-time earner, you need to take your work seriously, and stop putting the parties first.
This is Jessica Simpson last night at Winston's. Er - I don't really even have to say anything about this, do I? I mean, it's obvious what Jessica thinks: "My boobs are really big and my shirt is really tight, so I must look hot." Yeah Jess - you look great, hon. Your hair's really pretty like that, all...unkempt. And your face - that's such a great, natural-looking color for you. And those pants - nothing says "red-hot celeb" like emphasizing your midriff-bulge (complete with a big white button that looks like it could pop at any second, becoming a lethal projectile). Gosh, John Mayer is such a lucky guy. And that Nick Lachey must be so jealous, stuck up there in his Beverly Hills pad with his fugly-ass girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo. Yeah Jessica - you're way hotter than Vanessa. One look at this picture and Nick will probably dump that bitch and come crawling back to you on his hands and knees.
Oh, look - here comes the shortbus. Is that your ride Jessica?
Want to know why Michael Jackson is such a loon? It can all be traced back to the infamous episode where his hair caught fire while filming a Pepsi ad - so says Jackson's long-time friend David Gest:
Michael was in so much pain after [the accident], he became unbalanced. The trauma, and the pills (painkillers), changed him. ... Before then, he had a tight hold of his career. The accident didn't make Michael moody or more distant towards me, but he did become a different person.
Gest also claims that the child abuse accusations leveled against Jackson have wounded him, making him "less trusting." But, assures Gest:
[Michael's] career vision is back and he's planning a spectacular comeback.
Yes David, Michael is planning a spectacular comeback - and has been for about the last fifteen years. That's basically his career now, wandering around trying to make everyone think he's going to pull it together one of these days and return to the top. But that train left the station awhile ago. That bird flew. The cheese fell off that cracker. That cat's already been skinned. What I'm trying to say is, your boy Michael is a crazy fucker, and the only people who care about him anymore are his lunatic-fringe fans in places like London and Tokyo. And please David, that crazy you're trying to sell about Michael going downhill because of the hair-on-fire incident - kindly go peddle that shit some place else. That happened well before Michael's career started tracking downward. Hell, he did his album Bad years after that, and he was still huge then, and only vaguely freaky. No, David, what did Michael in was locking himself inside Neverland like some kind of Peter Pan/Howard Hughes, and so losing touch with reality that he started thinking he really was that mythic pop star he'd been turned into. And then he figured, hell, I'm Michael Jackson, the King of Pop - I can do anything I want including touch little boys on their winkies. But, you can't just do anything you want, David - we're all answerable for our actions, even people who have God-like delusions.
Avril Lavigne sounds echoes of grunge princesses past at the release party for her new record. Eh - I might be worried about Avril kicking off some kind of early-90s revival with this look, but frankly I don't think anyone pays any attention to her anymore. She's got about as much chance of bringing back 1991-era Courtney Love fashion as Courtney Love does of bringing back her old face.
Paris Hilton's on-again/off-again best bud Elisha Cuthbert shows her stuff at the Gen Art Festival premiere of He Was a Quiet Man. Hey - I saw Cyndi Lauper wear that same outfit to a funeral once. With the top that looks like it came from an Olivia Newton-John video, and the skirt that appears to have been made out of pieces of dyed toilet paper. And that haircut - that's so Brad Pitt circa 1997. Dang, Elisha keeps this up and she'll make everyone forget Chloe Sevigny.
The dust has not yet settled from the massacre at Virginia Tech, but already the Church of Scientology has begun sending ministers to the Blacksburg campus, offering an array of Scientology-based help services including counseling for the bereaved. Naturally, the church is going to be accused by the cynical of taking advantage of the tragedy for its own purposes. But, says church representative Sylvia Stannard, all Scientologists want to do is help:
We're doing a lot of emotional counseling, which is kind of our speciality. We prohibit our people from proselytizing.
Well, sort of. Stannard admits that the ministers will all gladly identify themselves as belonging to the church, and will happily answer any questions the grief-stricken students may have about Scientology. But this isn't proselytizing. It's not about winning converts for the church. Just like with their 9/11 detox therapy, and their post-Katrina efforts in New Orleans. Scientology is a caring organization, that has no agenda of its own.
No, Scientology is not interested in spreading its beliefs. They just want to help us better understand how tragedies like the Virginia Tech massacre can happen. They've got ideas that they want to share with us. About anti-depressants, like the kind Virginia Tech shooter Cho Seung-Hui may or may not have been on. According to Ms. Stannard, "mind-altering drugs" like these make their users "numb to other people's suffering," adding, "You really have to be drugged-up to coldly kill people like that." But Ms. Stannard isn't proselytizing, of course. Scientology's grief counseling efforts are like those of any other faith-based organization - it's not about shoving opinions down people's throats, or garnering positive publicity by showing up vulture-like in horror's wake.
Angelina Jolie may be a serene presence on this earth now, but in her younger days she was pretty damn wild. And by "younger days" I don't just mean her teen years - I'm talking kindergarten. Yes, Angelina was already a slut by the age of five. Said Jolie in an interview with OK! magazine:
I was a member of a group called the Kissy Girls. I was very sexual in kindergarten. I created a game where I would kiss the boys and give them cooties. Then we would make out and we would take our clothes off. I got in a lot of trouble!
Obviously not enough trouble, Angelina - cause you didn't learn your lesson. No, you remained completely batshit and sexually out-of-control, even after entering grade school. And then you developed your famous fixation with sharp objects. Wanna tell us a little about that too Ange?
I had started having sex with my boyfriend and the sex and the emotions didn’t feel enough. I was no longer a little girl. In a moment of wanting to feel closer to my boyfriend I grabbed a knife and cut him. He cut me back. We had an exchange of something and we were covered in blood, my heart was racing. Then whenever I felt trapped, I’d cut myself. I have a lot of scars. It was an age when I felt adventurous and after a few beers things happened.
Yes, a few beers. Unlike in kindergarten when all it took was a couple sniffs of fingerpaint. Jesus, Angelina - you sure do enjoy letting the world know how fucked-up you are. If I were you I might hold back on some of this info. Then, you know, the next time you accuse some tabloid or someone of invading your precious privacy, you won't come across so disingenuous and phony and lame.
It's obviously developed into a battle of world-saving egomaniacs between Madonna and Angelina Jolie. For a long time, Angelina was clearly ahead in this rivalry - she kept adopting kids right and left, there was always a mysterious kidnapping plot, she had supportive Brad at her side instead of sour Guy Ritchie. But now Madonna has taken this trip to Malawi with adopted son David Banda, and the publicity she's been getting out of it has been enough to make even Angelina turn green with envy. Basically, the Malawians have begun treating Madonna like the thing she's always wanted to be - Jesus Christ with tits. What, you thought she was being ironic when she hung herself from the disco-cross in her shows? Fuck irony - that's how Madonna actually sees herself. In her mind she is Jesus - someone to be mindlessly idolized. The problem is that, in Europe and America, people are a tad fickle. Idols have a way of coming and going, especially when they get old. So what's a washed-up pop-icon to do? I don't know - head to Africa, where people are genuinely suffering, and spread some goodwill and cash around and gather a whole new flock of idolaters?
If it is in fact Madonna's plan to become the white Jesus-lady of Malawi, then it appears she is having success. Yesterday, Madonna traveled to the orphanage she snatched rescued David Banda from, so she could have a "private visit" with the children (and, reportedly, David's father Yohane). Security was told to keep reporters out of the orphanage. This news got to some secondary-school children from the area, who took it upon themselves to form a protective ring around the facility, and even hurl stones at photographers who got too close. So now Madonna essentially has her own army of child-bodyguards. Take that Angelina.
But now there's more. Yesterday, during that same orphanage visit, Madonna told the kids that she planned on taking over the facility, because the man who runs it now, Reverend Thompson Chipeta, is getting old. Yes, Madonna is going to be running the Home of Hope orphanage. Again, in your face Angelina. You may have adopted a little brood for yourself, but do you have a whole orphanage? And do the kids sing to you and chuck rocks at reporters for you? Madonna 1, Angelina 0.
Expect Angelina to announce some time in the next few days that she's purchased the entire nation of Vietnam and is planning on installing herself as dictator.
First, from Page 6, an excerpt from an interview Lindsay gave to Allure magazine, in which she seems to suggest that she has mystical powers of protection:
When my friends and family are around me I feel like they're safe. ... When my friends have left me - I've just seen everything collapse. They're not safe without me.
Alas, Lohan's friends do not have the same power to protect her. You know, she keeps having these little accidents - almost as if God is trying to tell her something.
Item number 2 comes to us via WENN. In it, legendary singer Stevie Nicks expresses her befuddlement, and outright irritation, at stories Lindsay has been spreading about her interest in playing the Fleetwood Mac songstress in a film. Ms. Nicks told Blender magazine:
Lindsay Lohan thinks she is going to play me but what the hell movie does she think she's talking about? ... There is no book, there is no screenplay, there is no movie. There is never going to be a movie made without me, because it's never going to be the story of me. ... Even though a lot has been written about me, the fact is nobody actually has a clue to what my life was really like. So good luck, Lindsay.
Oh, Stevie - you really don't understand Lindsay at all, do you? It doesn't matter if there's a script or a book or anything else tangible - if Lindsay thinks there's a movie being made about you, then there's a movie being made about you. If Lindsay thinks she has magical friend-protecting abilities, then she does. You see, Lindsay is the child of a pair of deeply neurotic individuals, and has spent her life surrounded by even more neurotics and pathological types, also known as Hollywood people. In other words she's nuts. Profoundly nuts. Maybe even psychotic. You know that old saying, "Neurotics build castles in the sky and psychotics live in them?" Well, Lindsay both builds them and lives in them, and she's got a window on the second floor that she bellows shit out of, and if anybody comes on her lawn she chases them off with a firehose.*
* = apologies to Rita Rudner for sort of stealing her joke.
Rush & Molloy told us yesterday that Hollywood super-couple Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams had split up. Some didn't want to believe this - apparently Gosling and McAdams have a few mouth-breathing nitwit fans out there who think the world will come to an end if they quit fornicating. But, alas, a new day brings further confirmation that, at least, things are not all rosy between everyone's favorite pair of human sleeping pills. According to US Weekly, McAdams and Gosling are "spending some time apart." Translation: they can no longer stand the sight of each other.
One of US's sources told them it was "a break, not a break-up," and seemed to imply that Rachel has mental problems, by pointing out that Rachel is "dependent" on Gosling, and that Gosling wants to get away from the clingy bitch so he can take advantage of the buzz he's generating in the wake of his Oscar nomination. Another source, however, went farther, saying they split weeks ago, and citing the old "couldn't work out their schedules" excuse.
Sorry, but it all adds up to one thing for Crabbie: Gosling is hot right now, while McAdams is basically irrelevant, and Gosling was tired of the bitch hanging off him, and wants to grab as much poon as he can while people actually know who he is. Wouldn't surprise me one bit to see Gosling haunting Hyde and Les Deux now, trying to get him a piece of a Lindsay or an Ashlee or perhaps even a Cory Kennedy. And Rachel? Let the stupid, neurotic twat sit home and knit, or chew her fingernails, or carve Gosling's name into her thigh. Slag can't act, ain't attractive, has the personality of a rolled-up sweat-sock. Who cares what she does?
Britney Spears may be in legal trouble after reportedly firing her manager Larry Rudolph while he still had a contract. Not that Britney knows that sort of thing is wrong - in her world nothing exists except unicorns, fairies and huge dancing bottles of Tylenol.
Britney, who recently re-hired old publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick, reportedly blamed Rudolph for forcing her to go to rehab when she thought there was nothing wrong with her, hence making her look like a big drug-addled nut. And now she's fired him. Bad movie Brit - cause who the hell are you going to pin all your problems on now? George Bush? Leprechauns? The Jews? Larry Rudolph was, according to you, the only thing standing between you and a huge career comeback. So what happens when the comeback doesn't go down? You gonna pawn that off on Justin Timberlake or Timbaland or whoever produces your new album? You gonna blame Federline for sapping your creative juices? You gonna pin it on the kids? I have a suggestion Britney - since your whole life seems to be about blaming everyone else for your problems, why not just get it over with and hire the greatest denial-artist in history, Dina Lohan, to be your publicist? That bitch lies better than anyone since Nixon. She'd be perfect for you. You could create your own little shared reality where neither of you ever does anything wrong or causes your own problems, then get completely wasted and go down on each other. Then, I don't know, each bite down on a cyanide capsule or something.
Heather Mills fell down on Dancing With the Stars. I still like the Lindsay barking her shin while trying to get into the SUV video better (I don't care what anyone says, that shit is hilarious).
Sorry, she fell down a little bit at the end. Not good enough. I want her to go flying into a light-stand, have the hot light fall on her and set her on fire. And when the fire is put out there's nothing left but some smoldering remains and a singed plastic leg.
Katie Holmes has moved to Shreveport, Louisiana to begin work on her new comedy Mad Money, and apparently she really likes it there. You know, she thinks it's neat and stuff. As she told the Shreveport Times after visiting the local Target:
I met some really great people, and it was nice. They did recognize me, and it was a pleasure meeting them. We had nice chats about kids, and it was lovely.
All right - I just have to know. Was Katie wearing any kind of an earpiece when she gave this interview? Cause I think Tom might've been telling her what to say. That's exactly the kind of innocuous, inane patter you would expect from Tom - or someone with serious brain-damage. Honestly, is Katie even capable of speaking for herself anymore? Or is she just that dense and lame-sounding? I need to hear more. Like Katie talking about the character she's playing in the movie:
She's funny, she's smart and just a little bit misunderstood. ... She's involved in this crime, but she's sort of delighted to just be a part of something and have girlfriends for the first time. She's a type of person who creates a happier environment than she's actually in. ... I like that about her. She's a free spirit.
A free-spirit - oh, poor Katie, that's just a cry for help isn't it? Cause right now you're the opposite of a free-spirit. You're living in a gilded cage. Wait, I take that back - it's not gilded; it's got laser-beams for bars, and it's guarded by robots that look suspiciously like guys dressed in silver-painted refrigerator boxes with lengths of corrugated tubing for limbs. Tom made the robot costumes himself, didn't he Katie? And sometimes he wears one to bed, doesn't he? You sad, sad girl.
Appearing on Dancing With the Stars has, inexplicably, helped lying ex-hooker Heather Mills improve her image with U.S. audiences. Apparently, all you need to make Americans like you is a sparkly dress, a plastic leg and some amateurish mambo-moves - and this is probably why the Muslims and the Hindus all hate us. Anyway, given Mills's success, it was only a matter of time before more Brits with profile-problems in the U.S. started taking a serious look at a little Dancing With the Stars-based image-therapy. And who can we think of right off the top of our heads who's trying to break through in the U.S. but is having trouble getting out the word? Yup - Poshy. Reportedly, the Dancing With the Stars folks have offered Victoria Beckham a chance to appear next season - and Poshy is said to be seriously mulling the offer. Here's what a source associated with the show had to say about the prospect of Poshing up the program:
We are halfway through the series and it has been massive. A lot is down to Heather. ... We really want Victoria. She's not very popular right now, like Heather wasn't. That's why she'd be perfect. ... Also, she might get pals like Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez to watch her.
Shit, Poshy - they dissed you. "She's not very popular right now, like Heather wasn't." Hell, Poshy may not be the most well-liked broad in the world, but I seriously doubt people despise her the way they did (and still do) Mills. Granted, Poshy seems about as worthless as Mills, but at least she hasn't tried divorcing David and stealing his money - yet.
Oh, and something Crabbie doesn't get: "Also, she might get pals like Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez to watch her." Um, who gives a shit? They don't have Nielsen boxes, do they? They're Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez - like the nation is going to watch Posh on Dancing With the Stars just cause they know Cruise and Lopez are. "This show must be cool, cause Tom and J-Lo watch it." Please. We may be lame and stupid, but we're not that lame and stupid.
Vapid TV bimbo Vanessa Minnillo is apparently ready to settle in domestically with her boyfriend, former boy-bander Nick Lachey . Previously, Vanessa, who works as a pair of tits on Entertainment Tonight, was exclusively a New York girl, but now she's ready to split time between the East Coast and L.A., possibly in hopes of launching a movie career. So now Nick's going to have Vanessa living with him in his Beverly Hills pad - no more crazy stripper-parties for Nick, it looks like. Unless Vanessa the drunken slut would like to join in (which she almost certainly would).
Airheaded cum-bucket Paris Hilton is reportedly anxiety-ridden at the prospect of being chucked in the slammer over violating her probation. Here's what a source told Britain's More magazine about Paris's angst:
Paris says if she goes to jail, even for just a day, her life will be over. She knows she'll lose a lot of work if she gets a reputation as someone who has done time. Her whole career is based on her image and maintaining a fan base - she has nothing else to rely on. She's petrified. ... She's the butt of quite a few jokes in Los Angeles these days and she hates it. She's been crying a lot, especially when she's been drinking, and is scared that her life is falling apart. ... She's missed two club appearances in the past couple of weeks. People in the industry are taking her less seriously and she doesn't feel like she's Hollywood's Golden Girl any more. ... She's more alone than ever before right now and this could be one situation she can't charm her way out of.
Oh, how Crabbie would love to believe even a word of that. The image of Paris Hilton trying to drink away her distress, crying, shivering with fear at the prospect of her life being ruined - it would be so, so beautiful. Unfortunately, Crabbie did not just fall off the turnip truck yesterday, nor even the day before. There is no way - no way - Paris Hilton is experiencing even the slightest shred of nervousness over the possibility of doing time. She knows good-and-well that she will never see the inside of a cell. And even if, by some bizarre twist, she did end up incarcerated, what difference would it actually make to her "image?" How can something so manufactured and fake possibly be tarnished? She serves a couple weeks in the slammer, her publicists spin it as her triumph over adversity, she goes on Oprah and spouts a few fake tears, there's a reality show, she spends her new-found riches on even more contacts and push-up bras and hair-extensions. It's Paris Hilton - nothing about her is real. So why should the "reality" of going to jail faze her?
An earlier report that Kirsten Dunst and rocker boyfriend Johnny Borrell had broken it off was apparently not true, given that the two have been photographed all over Japan holding hands and acting very coupley. Wow - Kiki and Johnny (how precious) have been going out for over a month! Isn't that some kind of record for Kiki? She keeps this up, she's going to lose her reputation as a slut.
Courtney Love and Bruce Willis are reported by Page 6's Cindy Adams to be "sort of seeing one another." This seems appropriate, since both of them are only "sort of human."
This new report comes a couple weeks after an earlier bit of gossip which had Love and Willis sharing a prolonged smooch at an Amy Winehouse concert. After that report, reps for the stars said they were "only friends." So, now they're having sex, which means they're not friends anymore. Seems like a terrible waste. At any rate, I guess this means Cialis really works as well as they say. Any man who wants to pleasure a well-excavated old whore like Love is going to need to last at least four hours at a go. But now Cialis will need a new warning-label: "If you experience an erection that lasts more than four hours, see a doctor. If you stuck your erect penis in any of Courtney Love's orifices, see a mortician."
A couple days ago, Crabbie reported that dull-as-dishwater actors Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams were planning on getting hitched. Not so fast my friend. According to Rush & Molloy, not only are the couple not getting married, but they've actually split up entirely. Allegedly, at the premiere of Gosling's new movie Fracture last Wednesday, a friend asked him where Rachel was, and Gosling replied, "Don't you know? We broke up." This was all supposedly overheard by someone. So, obviously, it must be true.
I wish I could say I was sorry for Ryan and Rachel, but I'm not. Each is boring enough on their own, but the two of them together? Tortuous. Like sorting socks while watching paint dry and listening to Garrison Keillor. So I'm glad they've split. I'm happy they never had a chance to get married and have children. Because then they would've been even more boring (if that's possible).
This video needs no introduction nor snarky commentary. It is Lindsay Lohan hurting herself, apparently rather severely, while trying to run into an SUV.
Forgive me lord, but I've watched it five times, and I now ache all over from laughing.
Crabbie was all ready to let the whole "I hate India" gag go - I'm sick of it frankly, and some of you are getting mad at me - but then, well, the Richard Gere story came across. The one where Richard, at some kind of AIDS awareness event, got a little overly affectionate with a Bollywood actress named Shilpa Shetty, touching off a firestorm of protest that has seen - and I swear I am not making this up - effigies of Richard being burned in the street by outraged Indians. Here's the footage that touched off the anger in the first place:
Okay, Richard is being a complete ass in that video, practically molesting that poor Shetty woman. But, in Richard's defense, Shetty did take his hand first, and when he started pecking at her, she didn't exactly struggle against him. It looks, to rational eyes, like a couple of celebs being playful and silly. But obviously a lot of people in India don't agree, hence the effigy-burning.
Now, at this point, I could go into some wacky diatribe about how melodramatic and nutty Indian people are, and how they really need to develop a sense of proportion about things - you know, realize that someone not taking their shoes off should probably not be grounds for criminal prosecution, regardless of how offended someone might have been by the act. And that some dopey American actor pretend-kissing an Indian girl is a pretty lame excuse for a lot of violent protesting and burning things. But there would be no use ranting about this, because, a) the joke is played-out and; b) it would only lead to more people telling me how intolerant and swinishly American I am. So fuck it. However, one thing does need to be pointed out about this whole "no culture is superior to any other" argument: it is cowardly, both intellectually and morally.
Here's what I'm talking about: In America, we once thought it was okay to kill Native Americans because they were devils, and God wanted us to rid the earth of them (plus they were on land we wanted for our cattle and sheep). We also thought it was okay to burn women at the stake as witches, because God wanted us to rid ourselves of their wicked influence (and because they were sexually liberated while the Puritans with the torches were all miserable and repressed). Now, you tell me - is whatever culture you belong to, no matter how wacky it may be, not superior to these, which advocated the murder of human beings, and justified it religiously? Or are you not willing to consider one culture superior to another under any circumstances? Of course, the examples I used are more extreme than some mad Hindus burning effigies or threatening to lock an actress up for wearing shoes, but that's not the point. Everyone keeps using the absolutist argument, "no culture is superior to any other," which conveniently absolves them of the responsibility of actually defending the specific acts sanctioned by whatever culture. I'm not allowed to criticize an act, because there's an ancient and revered set of rules behind it. But there was an ancient and revered set of rules behind witch-burning too, and the murder of the Apaches, and there have been others behind the persecution of Jews, and homosexuals, and lots of other people. But, these days, we don't judge. We slap the tag "culture" on something, and dance off merrily into the sunset. Screw moral judgment - that's for sanctimonious hypocrites. There's no such thing as a reasoned, thoughtful moral judgment apparently. And there's also no such thing as a proportional response. Kick Liz Hurley out of India forever for disrespecting your customs - I wouldn't blame you. But chuck her in jail? Burn effigies because Richard Gere play-kissed a woman? Sorry - any "culture" that believes those actions make sense is inferior, and does deserve to be criticized. And in this case "culture" doesn't just refer to some abstraction, it refers to a group of people making choices - deciding they think it's okay to humiliate and degrade and possibly imprison someone merely for offending them. People like that need to get over themselves - I don't care what country they're from, or how long they've believed the same things.
Fact: cultures evolve. Why? Because people think about their practices. Question them. That's why we don't burn people as witches anymore or kill Apaches. We realized we were wrong. Yes, amazing - we changed our culture after thinking. You know, thinking? Using your brain instead of mindlessly going along with tradition? You've heard of it, right? Try it some time - you might enjoy it.
Update: Yes, all cultures occasionally deserve criticism. Especially when the people of that culture appear to have their heads up their asses. And America is obviously no exception. In fact, there is one respect in which American culture deserves to be harshly criticized - our love of guns. Today at Virginia Tech university, a man with a gun has murdered 22 people and wounded at least 21 others. Why? Who knows. All I'm sure of is this - a man with a knife or a bat does not get to kill 22 people before being subdued. When are the anti-gun-control NRA assholes going to wake up and realize that the fact of holding a gun is what gives these psychos the guts to do what they do in the first place? Rip America a new one over this - we have it coming.
Whatever was bugging Britney Spears has obviously been dealt with, and everything is fine in her life now. You can just tell that by looking at her. She has her shit so together. Especially now that she's canned her evil manager Larry Rudolph - you know, the guy who tricked her into thinking alcohol and drugs were her problem when it was really postpartum depression, bulimia and yellow teeth - and re-hired old publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick. Yup, Britney's life and career are definitely headed in the right direction now. We won't be seeing anymore crazy shit from this girl.
Kirsten Dunst attends the World Premiere of Spider-Man 3 in Tokyo. Well, Kiki's doing her best to put on a brave face for the world, but everyone knows she's distraught over being dumped by Johnny Borrell. She's probably been drowning her sorrows with booze every night since. Which is a change from her usual routine, where she takes Wednesday nights off.
Hugh Grant does the Spanish premiere of his movie Music and Lyrics. Gosh, Hugh looks tired here - must've been a late night for him and his Spanish whores. I hope Hugh has gotten over his habit of picking them up by the side of the road at least. No reason a man with his money can't hire some nice clean girls for a spot of fun. Unless he just likes filthy street-corner hookers. Randy bugger.
Chesty starlet Scarlett Johansson admits that she is a stubborn snot who never thinks she's wrong. Quoth Scarlett:
I’m very stubborn. It’s good to stand up for what you believe but I think being adamant and being stubborn are two very different things. ... I would say I compromise quite easily but if you asked other people, they might say I’m impossible. I’m always willing to compromise. I’m not a control freak. But I always think I’m right. And most of the time I’m usually wrong.
So basically what you're saying, Scarlett, is that you're a bitch. A completely unrepentant, insufferable, mind-numbing cunt. Yes - and birds have wings and Tuesday comes after Monday.
Hopelessly freakish music producer David Gest is befuddled at the fact that people think he's gay. Said Gest:
I am straight. Bring me one man who I have ever been with because there are none. ... Can I say, once and for all, that I have never had a Judy Garland tribute room in my house - I've only seen two of her films. ... I've never felt the need to prove my sexuality. What am I supposed to do, go around telling everyone I'm straight? ... I was around 13 when I lost my virginity. All the kids around me were experimenting with sex, so I went from feeling girls to sexual intercourse as quickly as I could.
Oh, David - those poor girls.
Seriously though, David - reality's on the line, and it would like you to come home now. You don't get why people think you're gay? Really?
Nothing gay about that picture. And Jesus David - what is with your cranium? It looks like it got stuck in a bucket one time, and never popped back into shape. Your head is like a really bad Amazing Johnathan routine. "Do I look pail?" Actually David, you look like something an alien shat and then didn't bother cleaning up, and some stuff grew on it that you now call a face. God, I sincerely hope you're not gay, David - cause we don't want you. Go feel up some more thirteen-year-old girls you slobbering sideshow reject.
Will Ferrell appears at the USC "Swim With Mike" Awards and the 27th Annual Swim-A-Thon. Funny guy, that Ferrell. Pasty-white and chunky, but funny. But enough about him. Let's turn our attention now to the fella on the left. My sports-geek buddy has informed me that this is in fact USC football coach Pete Carroll. Um, Pete - Courtney Love called, she wants her midriff back. Jesus, that is the weirdest-looking torso I think I've ever seen. Even Quasimodo thinks this guy is a freak. And his shorts - what the hell is that bulge anyway?
It looks like he has a beaver-tail hidden in there. I don't know about you, but if I'm the parent of some strapping young high school football stud, ain't no way I'm letting him go to USC. This coach of theirs is some kind of hunchbacked pervert.
Boxer/rapist/ear-chomper Mike Tyson has been hired by Indian film producers to make a comic appearance in an ad for the Bollywood comedy Fool and Final. Said a spokesperson:
The movie is a laugh riot, and the filmmakers thought Tyson would be great in the promo.
I don't know about you, but there's no one in this world I more associate with hilarity than Mike Tyson. Guy's a freaking comic genius. And the kind of comedic wizardry Tyson features fits perfectly with Bollywood, if you ask me. Guy can bob his head back and forth while talking sing-songy gibberish like nobody's business. Plus, Tyson has that great ear-biting background. If there's anything an Indian person loves, it's a good mutilation.
After years of stand-offish silence, Oscar-nominated actor Mark Wahlberg is finally ready to talk about his previous life as underwear-exposing white rapper Marky Mark. Says the Marky one:
Of course I can talk about it now. The reason why I used to mind, why it bothered me, was because I knew it was going to be the thing that I had to overcome to be respected as an actor. ... But now that I feel I’ve dealt with that I don’t mind the past. ... It’s all part of who I am and it was fun. There were some embarrassing moments - like taking my clothes off. But I did it and I just hope I don’t have to explain it to my daughter in ten years time! Because that is going to be hard!
Come on Marky - embarrassed about taking your clothes off? Why? With that bod? You should be proud of yourself. Hell, you should have those Calvin Klein ads blown up and then wallpaper your house with them. Dang - that's not a bad idea. Marky Mark underwear wallpaper. Where do I get me some?
And oh, just for old time's sake:
Marky Mark - he brought the nation together. To piss its pants laughing.
T.R. Knight checks into the GLAAD Media Awards. Am I still obligated to show solidarity with this guy, or has enough time passed since the Isaiah Washington dust-up that I can now return to not giving a shit about him? Seriously - from here on out, any time T.R. Knight receives any kind of positive attention whatsoever, he should send Isaiah a thank you card. Because Isaiah, by acting like such a jerk, made T.R. into a victim, and in our culture, no one is prized more than the victim. Just ask the Rutgers women's basketball team.
Katherine Heigl - just because you're going to the GLAAD Awards, that doesn't mean you have to dress like a lesbian. Unless you are one. Anything you care to tell us, Katherine?
Jennifer Aniston was the belle of the ball at last night's 18th Annual GLAAD Media Awards, receiving the organization's Vanguard honor. See, this is why Crabbie won't have anything to do with GLAAD or any of these other organizations that supposedly represent his interests - because they do shit that doesn't make any god damn sense. What, pray tell, has Jennifer Aniston ever done that should make gay people feel she is on the vanguard of anything? Did she once stumble upon a faggot who was caught in a bear trap and release him? Did she donate thousands of dollars to a charity that helps underprivileged homos buy K-Y? Or was she chosen to receive this prestigious honor simply because she was the biggest name they could find who didn't have anything better to do that evening? "We honor Jennifer Aniston for her contributions to the cause of gay-rights, because, well, Rachael Ray wasn't available." Whatever. Whole thing's a publicity-and-money-grubbing farce. But at least Jennifer got a good night out of it. She got to pretend everyone loves her for a few minutes. And oh, she did get this kiss from Jakey-poo:
Oh yeah. You know Jennifer was wet as hell after this. She probably had to take a quick trip home and change her panties. And you know Jake was thinking about Brad the whole time. You know, wondering when Brad's finally going to wise up about bitches.
It just wouldn't be a gay event without Lance Bass. Seriously, what does Lance actually do anymore? If it weren't for the free food at things like the GLAAD Awards, I'm pretty sure Lance would be starving right now.
Born-again douchebags Stephen Baldwin and Michael Lohan are joining forces - not to double-team Lindsay (as they probably really want to), but to help troubled teens. Yes, somewhere along the line, both Stephen and Michael got it into their heads that what drug-addicted adolescents at the Long Island Teen Challenge really need is a couple of lame-wads preaching a bunch of Godly nonsense at them. And oh, of course - the two are putting together a reality show about their altruistic efforts. Cause what's the point of doing charity work if you can't make a couple of bucks off it?
The only thing lamer than a celeb is the loser relative of a celeb. And two of them together? In a reality show where they pretend to believe in God? And one of them is a Baldwin? And the other thinks he can help troubled teens, in spite of the fact that his own daughter is more screwed-up than all the kids at that center put together? That is what you call a perfect storm of lameness.
Pregnant actress Salma Hayek has decided to become a literary critic, and is taking on a pretty big target right out of the chute - The Bible. No, that long-time best-seller and motel room staple is not going to be on Salma's reading list any time soon. Primarily, says Salma, it's the book's depiction of women and especially child birth that gets her goat:
I don't like the way the Bible views women - this thing about the Virgin Mary conceiving a child without having sex - so if you conceive a child by having sex, there's a subliminal message that there's something dirty about it. ... And this is what makes us divine - I mean, the possibility of creating another life should remind women that we are creators, that we are made like God in our ability. ... There is nothing greater than to create another human being.
Crabbie tried contacting the book's authors, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, to ask them about Salma's scathing remarks, but unfortunately none of them were in their office. I then decided to give God Himself a ring, since the aforementioned scribes were really ghost-writing for Him anyway, and was told that God doesn't talk to gay people (except Ted Haggard).
Tara Reid struts her stuff at the 14th Annual Race to Erase MS. Let me repeat that - Tara Reid struts her stuff. Perambulates. Promenades. Saunters. Walks, god damn it - without falling flat on her face. For once.
Nicky Hilton and Nicole Richie appear at the 14th Annual Race to Erase MS. The only thing Nicole's racing to erase is herself, if you ask me. And Nicky - I know you're trying hon, but damn. You are one ugly specimen of humanity. Seriously - I've seen severe cottage cheese asses that were prettier than your face. Courtney Love's midriff is prettier than your face. What you need to do is go to France and order up one of those face-transplants, like that woman had whose lips were bitten off by a dog. Except you need more than the lips - you need the whole thing. My God, was your mother fucked by a deformed donkey or something? And by the way - I don't see any pictures of Paris from last night's Race to Erase MS. What, Paris doesn't care about erasing MS? She was too busy eating out strippers probably. Or maybe she was at the jail visiting her pal Joe Francis. Nah - Paris doesn't want anything to do with jails, does she? Except for all the lesbos in there. Yeah, Paris would probably like jail, if they would let her take night-trips to Teddy's and Les Deux.
Ivanka Trump has learned to bullshit from the best - her own father Donald. In this snippet courtesy of Atlanta Peach magazine via Page 6, Ivanka displays her skills at talking crap by insisting she and her ubiquitous daddy are not motivated by ego:
Nobody [in the family] is doing anything for the sake of being famous. ... It's all for the sake of raising the price per square foot we're able to get on saleable real estate.
So let me get this straight Ivanka - I'm supposed to believe that your father picking fights with Rosie O'Donnell and shaving Vince McMahon's head on Wrestlemania have nothing to do with him being a publicity-grubbing egomaniac, but are all about him making some run-down fire-trap he owns more attractive to prospective buyers? How stupid are these people? "This leaky pile of bricks in the middle of a Jersey swamp must be pretty valuable - Donald Trump owns it, and he's always on the TV." Are these real estate deals, or shady attempts at bilking rubes? I think Rosie may be right - Donald may be a snake-oil salesman after all. And as for you, Ivanka - well, you've just got to make as much money as you can, don't you? You've got to pay off that mortgage you're always bragging about (yes, your father didn't just hand you the keys to the kingdom - we get it). And of course you've got those boobs to work on. They just keep getting bigger and juicier, don't they? And pretty soon the lines are going to start showing up - put that plastic surgeon on speed-dial, Ivanka. You won't be young and pretty forever - just ask your mom Ivana.
