Pete Doherty - Penguin Murderer?

Rocker Pete Doherty may have added penguin-murder to his long list of transgressions against decent society. Yes, I said penguin-murder. Dope-fiend Pete and his model girlfriend Kate Moss were at Cotswold Wildlife Park in Oxfordshire, England admiring the penguins when Pete decided it would be hilarious to toss a joint into the birds' pen. And what do you know - one of the animals picked the joint up in his beak and swallowed it. Witnesses said the penguin appeared "wobbly" afterward. But, eating the joint could have more dire consequences for the bird than a little euphoria and perhaps the munchies. Said an incensed zoo official, "Feeding a penguin cannabis could be fatal. It contains toxins that attack the nervous system and liver." The penguin then told the zookeeper to mellow out.

Mischa's Awake-Face

Mischa Barton attends a Christian Dior show in Paris. She's very alert here. You might even say crazed-looking. Okay, I'll say it - she looks crazed. I don't care who you are, if you're getting that excited over some functionally illiterate anorexics parading around in ugly, over-priced clothes - well, you have got to get out and get some spiritual sustenance. Give your life over to the Lord. Or the Moonies. Or the Branch-Davidians (if there are in fact any left after Janet Reno's little cook-out). Worship the sun. Go to Arizona and wait for the aliens. Something. Just, enough with the fashion shows.

By the way, what's wrong with Mischa's boob?

Tara In Green

Here's Tara Reid at the premiere of Wild Hogs. No, it's not a movie about Tara's crazy night out with Bai Ling. Or maybe it is - I really don't know. Anyway, these pictures of Tara are kind of monotonous. She looks cleaned-up in all of them, but you just know that, by the end of the night, she has chunks of puke in her hair, and carpet-patterns imprinted on her cheek, and is wearing an overcoat she stole because her clothes got all full of blood in a knife-fight.

More Matthew

Another picture of Matthew with his test-pattern shorts and surfboard. Manly.

Update: Paris Hilton Nailed For Driving With Suspended License, Could Be Headed To Jail

Only Paris Hilton could turn a simple trip to the Virgin Megastore into a circus. Last night around 10:30, the well-known coke-snorting harlot hit the VM in West Hollywood to buy some DVDs, but forgot to turn her headlights on after she left. Sheriff's deputies spotted the nitwit driving around sans lamps and pulled her over. It was then that the deputies discovered Paris was driving with a suspended license. They cited her, and impounded her $200,000 Bentley convertible.

First of all, who the hell goes out to buy DVDs at 10:30 at night? How bad do you really need that 3rd copy of The Complete H.R. Pufnstuf, Paris? And second of all - Paris. Nighttime? Headlights? Helps you see where you're going? Oh, of course you have an excuse, delivered by that miserable putz Elliot Mintz. According to Mintz, you were exiting a parking structure which was "brightly lit" so you didn't notice your headlights were off. And then about the license - Mintz said you weren't aware that it was suspended. How can you not be aware that your license is suspended? Are you in fact the most oblivious person on the face of the earth Paris? You're just lucky you didn't ingest any drugs or anything before going out. Cause then you really would've been up the creek. Of course, that fucker Mintz would've just made up some bullshit, like, "If Paris had drugs in her system, she wasn't aware of them." Yeah, you're just blameless, aren't you Paris? You never do anything wrong. It's always someone else. Or you're just not aware. Why couldn't you, just once, be driving someplace, and not be aware that you were headed straight toward the edge of a cliff?

Update: Looks like Paris is in big trouble. Maybe even headed-to-jail-trouble. Seems that last night's incident constituted a violation of the probation Paris had slapped on her by a judge after her DUI arrest late last year. That arrest also led to Paris's license being suspended - and yet Paris supposedly didn't know about the suspension. Right. And Paris also doesn't know she has a snatch. "Hey, what's that down there? Wow, I can put things in it. Like a bowling ball. Or Brandon Davis's head."

I say send the bitch to jail.

Report: Anna Nicole Killed By Pneumonia

Preliminary findings indicate that Anna Nicole Smith was killed by pneumonia and not a drug overdose, the Enquirer is exclusively reporting. However, prescription drugs did probably play a role in her death - by masking the severity of the pneumonia.

This would seem to be consistent with what he'd heard about Anna Nicole's "flu-like" symptoms in the days leading up to her death. And, Anna Nicole was actually treated for pneumonia previously, shortly after the death of her son Daniel in fact.

In other news, what's that smell?

Lucas, Landis And Woz Possibly Exposed To Hep A At Puck-Catered Event

The list of celebs who may have been exposed to Hepatitis A at a Wolfgang Puck-catered event is growing. TMZ has learned that directors George Lucas and John Landis, and Apple co-founder Steve "Woz" Wozniak were all in attendance at the Puck-handled Visual Effects Society's awards banquet on February 11. I hope they're in hysterics right now, because they should be. There's no place for calmly dealing with a situation in our society.

Biel At The Airport

Jessica Biel on her way to Paris for fashion week. Good thing Jessica works out, otherwise she'd never be able to lug those huge bags filled with iron bars.

The Wrath Of Keira

Another day, another picture of Keira Knightley glaring angrily at photographers. No Keira, it doesn't matter how much you show your displeasure - they're never going to stop pestering you. As long as you remain famous, that is. If you really want them to leave you alone, the answer is to move someplace far away, rent a trailer and get a job waiting tables. Of course, then you won't be invited to anymore swanky parties, and you won't have the dough to fly Kenyan masseurs into whatever city you're staying in at three in the morning just cause you feel like it. Sucks to be a star, don't it Keira dear?

Poshy Blonde

Poshy has gone blonde. Wow, what a trend-setter. I mean, who ever would've thought of going blonde after moving to California? Poshy - she's a leader, not a follower.

Angelina's Jealous Anger

Angelina Jolie is fuming with jealous rage after Brad Pitt sent ex-wife Jennifer Aniston a birthday card. According to the new issue of Star, the trouble arose because Pitt signed the card, "With Love, Brad." Angelina reportedly only found out about this because Brad, in a fit of what can only be described as self-destructive stupidity, showed her the card before mailing it. I say it must've been self-destructive stupidity only because Brad should've long-since learned what kind of psychotic nutbag Angelina is. And in fact, he has demonstrated an awareness of this in the past: Earlier this year, while shooting his movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Brad had a scene changed where he was supposed to kiss his co-star Megan Brown, out of fear that Angie would become jealous.

All right Brad, here's the deal - your little girl Angie is nuts. And I don't just mean eccentric or quirky, I mean certifiable. Deeply disturbed, Brad. Because of that shitty childhood she had - the woman is clearly incapable of satisfying herself that she's loved enough. She will never be loved enough. Not by you, or your kids, or all the suffering refugees in all the countries on earth. All the love in the known universe would not be enough for Angelina. No matter what happens, she will always suspect you. She's jealous and paranoid. Severely. I mean, she went ballistic because you signed a letter to your ex-wife, "With Love, Brad." A woman you spent four years married to - you're not allowed to show her a little affection? And this thing about you not kissing your co-star - Angelina's an actress, isn't she? So, shouldn't she understand how those things work? That it's the job? But you were afraid she'd get jealous. So you know what she is. And still you stay with her. I'm sorry Brad, but you have to dump this broad. You're still a young man - don't throw what remains of that youth away on a sham relationship with a joyless succubus. This chick will only drag you down into her psychotic misery. She will eat you alive, Brad. Because that's what people like Angelina do - they consume people. They suck the life out of everyone around them and spit out the husks. Come to your senses, Brad. Get as far away from this soul-chomping bedlamite as you can, as fast as you can. Before it's too late, Brad. Before it's too late.

Britney's Pool Pals

A story circulated widely last week about Britney Spears's bizarre behavior at the Mondrian Hotel in L.A. the day after her infamous head-shaving. The story said that Britney appeared there suddenly and tried booking a room but had no credit cards, then prevailed upon a couple of kindly tourists to buy her a bathing suit in a gift shop and proceeded to shave her legs in the hotel swimming pool. Now, a different version of this story has surfaced. In this new permutation, Britney made friends with a pair of girls in a bathroom of the Mondrian, where she was shaving her legs and complaining about not being able to get a room. One of the girls lent her a bikini so she could go to the pool with them; she donned the bathing suit in the girl's room, then raided her mini-bar before proceeding to the pool, where she and her new friends continued drinking.

And, thanks to Crabbie, there is now a third version of this story. In this one, Britney was dropped off at the Mondrian by a leather-clad post-Apocalyptic biker. She strode into the lobby, dressed in assless pants, and asked to have a room. Upon being informed that she would have to put assed pants on before being checked-in, Britney began screaming and crying. Two kindly Romanians took pity on her, and brought her to their room where they proceeded to strip all her clothes off, oil her up, and begin performing some kind of bizarre gypsy purification ritual. This was weird even for Britney so she ran for it. She found herself butt-naked and oiled at the pool, and asked a girl if she could borrow a bathing suit. The girl agreed. The two then spent the rest of the afternoon cavorting in the pool, in slow-motion, their flesh pink and wet and enticing. The girl told Britney her name was Millicent. They went to Millie's room afterward and became sisters, cutting their hands and licking the blood from each other's palms. Then what? I don't know, maybe they decided to go have a steak. Millie finally pulled a knife on Britney and robbed her. I knew that bitch was trouble from the start.

Sean Combs Under Investigation For Assault And Battery

Rapper/fashion mogul Sean Combs may be in trouble with the law. According to TMZ, Combs, aka P. Diddy, is presently under investigation by the LAPD over an alleged assault and battery at Teddy's early Monday morning.

The alleged victim, 27-year-old Gerard Rechnitzer, was attending a post-Oscar party with his fiancee at the nightclub, located inside the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. Rechnitzer says that, around 2am, he took a trip to the bathroom, and when he left he discovered his fiancee surrounded by Combs and several other men. The rapper was allegedly talking-up Rechnitzer's fiancee; Rechnitzer reportedly stood watching for five minutes before becoming fed-up and prevailing upon his fiancee to leave with him. Combs then told the woman he was having a party and invited her to attend. Rechnitzer again tried getting his fiancee to leave. Combs then allegedly punched Rechnitzer in the face and left. The victim called 911, and when police arrived he gave a report, but declined medical treatment. Reports say as many as five people witnessed the assault.

So that's how Diddy rolls, huh? He puts the move on other people's fiancees - but only when he's surrounded by a bunch of his boys. Jesus, what a dirtbag. I mean, I thought Brandon Davis was the lowest of the low, but now I don't know - I think Combs might be lower. And then there's Rechnitzer's fiancee - doesn't sound like she was all that eager to be coaxed away from Diddy, does it? Rechnitzer had to ask her twice? What's up with that? Damn Gerard, that's a ho you picked out for yourself. Maybe you'd have been better off letting Diddy have her. But, I give you credit - you did finally man up and protect your lady. After five minutes. And Diddy - punch a man then run before the cops show up? Oh yeah, you're hard. Just like that night you were with J. Lo and you shot that broad in the face, then tried bribing your driver into taking the gun. And you let Shyne get sent up the river too. Yeah, you are a piece of work Combs. A real piece of work.

Hollywood Hepatitis Scare

Attendees of a recent Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Party are being warned by the Health Department that they may have been exposed to acute Hepatitis A, TMZ is reporting. The warning comes after an employee of the party's caterer, famed food-maven Wolfgang Puck, was diagnosed with the disease. The party, held on Valentine's Day, was attended by such luminaries as Beyonce, Leo DiCaprio's squeeze Bar Rafaeli and numerous other models. Potential infectees, including anyone who attended an affair catered by Puck between February 1st and 20th, have been told to get an immune globulin shot by tomorrow.

So I guess Wolfgang Puck can kiss his career as caterer-to-the-stars goodbye. Unless everyone sees their way clear to not blame him for this terribly unfortunate occurrence. Fat chance in paranoid Hollywood. From now on everyone will be wearing hazmat suits to parties. Except Lindsay of course - she's immune to everything (except "appendicitis").

Spelling Gets Her Hair Done

Tori Spelling waddles out of a hair salon in Santa Monica. Jesus, how long has she been pregnant now, 22 months? I had no idea warthogs had such lengthy gestation periods.

Matthew Surfs

Matthew McConaughey likes to surf. This is more than recreation for Matthew - it's actually how he washes his clothes. Seriously. That pair of shorts is like the only clean thing he has. Everything else smells like the dankest corner of your grandfather's attic. Including Matthew.

But he's still hot.

Lindsay Lame-O

Lindsay does the old take a picture of the photographers bit. Yeah, that was clever - ten years ago.

(I don't care how lame Lindsay is. I'm just glad she's back. I'm sick of Britney.)

Beckham's Auction Bust

David Beckham may be a big star in Europe, but in America he ain't squat - at least not to the kind of high-rollers who pay big money for items at celebrity auctions. Beckham, who recently signed a huge contract with pro footy club the L.A. Galaxy, had a private soccer lesson up for bid at Oscar night's AIDS Foundation charity auction, and it received the lowest bid of the evening, a paltry $70,000.

What? You mean there wasn't some gay guy willing to shell out more than $70,000 for a private "soccer lesson" from Beckham? What the hell is the matter with these people? I mean, even if you don't care about soccer, wouldn't you still want to hang out with Becks for awhile? Kick the old football around the back yard, Becks in his hot little soccer outfit, getting all sweaty, and you getting all sweaty. Afterward you suggest to Becks that he should have a shower, then follow him into the bathroom and ask him if he needs you to loofah his back for him. Maybe one thing leads to another. You have a few drinks. Back-rub. Anal penetration...

Don't these fools have any imagination?

Maggie Gyllenhaal Fleeing The Village For Brooklyn

Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal has begun experiencing the down-side of celebrity - namely, the relentless pursuit of photographers. Instead of going after them with an umbrella or putting their names on a Death List, however, Maggie is taking the sane route - she's moving to what she hopes will be a quieter neighborhood.

"I love living in New York," says Maggie. "But the West Village became terrible. Paparazzi waiting for me, following me. Thirty fotogs camped outside the door. It's scary. Especially since I now have a baby. I have to hope Brooklyn will be quieter, safer. Look, I know I should just be grateful for all the good that's happened to me. And I am. But I'm also getting scared."

Thirty fotogs camped outside the door Maggie? I hate to break it to you hon, but those weren't paparazzi desperate for a celebrity snap. They were medical researchers gathering material for a study of facial deformity.

I better get my fire-suit ready, cause I'm going to Hell.

Jakeypoo Looks Hot

Jake Gyllenhaal on his way to Letterman yesterday. I nominate Jake as the official heir to George Clooney's throne (now that George is getting up there). Long live the King of Hollywood Hunks!

Jennifer Hudson On Today

Dreamgirl Jennifer Hudson shows off her boobs...er, I mean Oscar...on this morning's Today show. Wow, Jennifer sure is proud of her boobs...er...Oscar. I bet she's going to polish up those boobs...I mean, that Oscar...and stick it up on the mantle for everyone to see. Man, it must be great having boobs...I mean it must be great having an Oscar. You know, it really makes your life easier if you have big juicy bazoombas...ah...eh...if you have an Oscar, it makes your life easier, cause you can get lots of roles...parts you wouldn't be able to get it if you had little tiny mosquito-bite boobs...I mean if you didn't have an Oscar...I mean boobs...ah...I don't know what I mean. Curse you Jennifer's boobs...

Who The Hell Is Jessica Biel Screwing?

Jessica Biel's the hottest thing in show-biz right now, at least going by the number of male celebrities who want to add her to their list of conquests. In just the last week, Biel, star of the acclaimed mystery The Illusionist, has found herself targeted by not one but two heat-seeking Hollywood bedroom-missiles - hunky actor Ryan Reynolds, and well-known sex addict Wilmer Valderrama.

Last week, Page 6 declared that Biel and Valderrama looked like "a hot new couple" when they danced together at the Rose Bar in the Gramercy Park Hotel. "They were in deep conversation," reported a witness. "Then, Latin music was playing and he twirled her about. They seemed to be together all night." But today, Just Jared says that Biel was in the company of Reynolds on Oscar night, and that the two of them left the GQ Oscar party together.

Now, it would be really easy to call Jessica Biel a slut right here, especially since she allegedly also had relationships with Justin Timberlake and baseballer Derek Jeter recently, but I'm not going to go there. I don't think Jessica is a slut - I think she's just picky. I mean, girls - you know how you are. You walk into a clothing store or something, and what, you just grab the first thing your eye falls on? Of course not. You've got to browse. You've got to try different stuff on. You've got to try something on, put it back, then try something else, then take the first thing and try that again, then end up buying neither. And why should Jessica be any different? All right, granted, we are talking about men here, which is somewhat different than clothes - but not all that different, really, when you think about it. I mean, for Jessica, who can have about any man she wants, picking a boyfriend probably is a lot like shopping for clothes. You know, there's more to consider than just whether something is comfortable. You've got to look good in it. It's got to make you feel sexy. So, Jessica is just shopping around, looking for the right fit. Timberlake - yeah, he was a little too harsh for her. Jeter - too ordinary. Valderrama - kind of second-hand, sort of scratchy, not really a great color. Reynolds - ooh, Jessica would look really good with Ryan Reynolds on her. He's totally hot, and for once Jessica would actually be the feminine one in the couple. I think we have a winner folks!

Jessica Still Not Blonde

Jessica Simpson has still not gone back blonde. What is she waiting for? Congressional action? Everyone hates this look Jessica. In fact, everyone hates you. Well, I shouldn't say that - I'm sure there are some young children who like you. But children don't know any better. And of course there's your father Joe - we all know how he feels about you. Your boobies especially. Joe really likes your boobies.

Mischa Walks The Dog

Dog: cute. Mischa: stoned.

Lindsay At Work And Play

Lindsay Lohan on the set of I Know Who Killed Me. Is she playing Jessica Simpson in this movie? No. She doesn't look nearly manic enough to be Jessica Simpson. Plus John Mayer isn't sniffing her crotch.

Lindsay hits Patrick Whitesell's late-night Oscar after-party. Yeah, Lindsay doesn't go to those stodgy Oscar parties with all the old ladies and kids. She only goes to the hard-core ones. Dressed like Tina Turner. And looking older than Tina Turner. But, on the bright side, at least she still has her hair. For now.

Keira Knightley Looks Like Death

So Keira Knightley has totally gone off on this "I'm not a glamour girl" kick. She's doing a pretty good job of it too. I mean, looking at her there - yeah, I wouldn't guess she was a movie star either. I would guess she was on her way home from the methadone clinic. And not home to some posh apartment either, but some dingy little hole with roaches everywhere and water-stains and nothing in the fridge but some moldy cheese. A little TV with rabbit-ears on top of a milk-crate. An old afghan-covered couch sagging from the weight of all the carcasses that have deposited themselves there, as if their ghosts were all piled up there, the collected weight of all those wretched souls.

A Few Last Oscar Bits...

1. Tortured Kiki

Kirsten Dunst did not handle the pressure of Oscar night well. According to Us Weekly, Dunst's stress began with her seafoam Chanel dress (which garnered mixed reviews from fashion watchers). During the ceremony, Dunst is reported to have said to her friend, "I don't feel really relaxed. ... I don't want to spill water on this dress or you can see through it." And the tension only mounted for Kiki as her presenting turn approached. "I want to get it over with so I can go relax," she reportedly told her friend. "I can't fuck up my speech. I am presenting Best Screenplay and it will be career suicide if I fuck it up. I really need water. I just want to get out of here already."

And just imagine how she'd be if she were actually nominated for something. Ha - what am I saying? Kirsten Dunst nominated? For what? Best Drunk-Ass Ho? They don't have that category yet. But if they did, Dunst would be in the running every damn year.

2. Punk-Ass Eddie

Eddie Murphy is not only a loser, he's an ingracious loser. Last night, when the former comedian learned he'd lost the Best Supporting Actor prize to Alan Arkin, the self-important, pouting schmo immediately got up and left the ceremony, not even bothering to stick around for co-star Jennifer Hudson's triumph, or her and Beyonce's big musical number.

What's the matter Eddie, can't stand getting your butt kicked by an old man? Aw, poor Eddie, didn't get his wittle Oscar. Well, let me tell you Ed - you didn't deserve it. Dreamgirls was mediocre at best, and you - you were not so hot, Ed. A shticky impersonation of James Brown and a couple adequate dramatic scenes do not a great performance make. You only got nominated for the novelty value - hey, let's give Eddie Murphy an Oscar nomination, that'll be different. Face it Ed, you haven't done anything worthwhile since Coming to America, with the possible exception of the voice-work you've done as the donkey in Shrek. And how fitting that one of your best roles would be as an ass.

3. Katie Weirds People Out

Katie Holmes had people talking last night at the Vanity Fair after-party - not about her dress or looks, but about her wacked-out behavior in the presence of her master Tom. Basically, Katie acted like a robot. When Tom tried getting some photogs to take a picture of Katie alone on the red-carpet, his brainwashed wife refused, clinging to him. Tom then spent the rest of red-carpet session schmoozing, Katie holding his hand all the while and never talking. Then later, Tom again asked Katie to have her picture taken solo, and this time she relented - but kept looking back to him for directions.

Congratulations Tom - you've succeeded in sucking every last ounce of will from Katie's body. Finally you have someone who won't criticize you, won't make you feel inferior, won't refuse anything you ask. You've got yourself a little flesh-and-blood blow-up doll to do with as you please. God, this man is sick - sick right down to the very core. Because he can't interact properly with people, and is so crazy and insecure, he has to create himself a little mindless companion who only does what he tells her. Does that make you feel like a man Tom? Powerful? Nicole Kidman was too much for you, wasn't she? Your pitiful little ego couldn't take the bruising. So, now poor Katie has to suffer because you have a complex. God I hope you're proud of yourself.

Britney Unhinged

Just how unhinged is Britney Spears? Is she suffering from some kind of pedestrian, drug-fueled, stressed-out madness, or is she legitimately bonkers? Like padded-room bonkers. Strait-jacket bonkers. Does she belong in a psycho-ward instead of rehab? Would shock-treatments help? What exactly is going on with that girl? Nobody knows. Except the British tabloid News of the World, which has all the dope on Britney's breakdown. Everything that happened from the time she confronted Federline up till now. And details about Britney's psychological state even before the umbrella meltdown? They've got those too. They've got everything. It all sounds like bullshit, but they've got it.

All right, where to start? Well, how about the Federline confrontation. We all knew that, the night of the umbrella incident, Britney went to see Federline, and there was some kind of fight that ended in Britney being convinced to re-enter rehab lest she lose her children. What we didn't know is that, having been turned away by Federline because she was acting so crazy and scaring the kids, Britney called Kevin and offered him $200,000 in exchange for dropping the emergency hearing he wanted to hold. Kevin, loving fellow that he is, turned down the money, and insisted Britney get serious about rehab instead. And she has been in treatment ever since.

But will that treatment be enough? Friends of Britney fear entering rehab is really just a way of avoiding more serious options. Like commitment to a psychiatric institution. Britney's pals have related harrowing stories of her behavior in recent weeks. Says one friend:

She spends every night in floods of tears. She lies there, sobbing her heart out to the blackness. You can hear her crying and crying with these deep sobs that echo around the house. Her security guards have to listen to it because she's got them sleeping outside her room—she's that fearful for her own safety. Then in the morning she gets up and goes through her room and all her belongings to search for bugs. She's convinced that everyone is out to get her and that her thoughts are being recorded. And the smallest thing can set off a fully-blown panic attack. She gets this fearful look in her eyes and starts trembling all over, dripping with sweat and gasping for breath and she looks like she's going to faint at any time. It's absolutely terrifying to see. It is the behaviour of someone who has completely lost their mind.

Wow - Britney's batty. So batty in fact that Promises, the rehab center, has her on suicide watch. And allegedly, UCLA's psychiatric hospital has a bed reserved for her should she completely break down.

So is Britney really suicidal? We heard stories about her trying to kill herself by running in front of traffic, and being saved at the last minute by her pals. But, supposedly, that wasn't the end of her desperate behavior. Shortly after the traffic incident, Britney reportedly held up two bottles of Tylenol and screamed, "I'm gonna do this, this is it! I'm through with the whole fucking circus!" But one of Britney's friends was able to talk her out of doing herself in.

And then there's this: During Britney's first, one-day foray into Promises, the staff there suspected the singer had smuggled some cocaine into the facility, and therefore searched her. But what they found wasn't drugs; in fact it was more disturbing: a list Britney had written naming people she wanted to see dead, including Federline and certain members of the paparazzi. Said Britney's friend:

When the staff confronted her she just burst into tears. She was crying uncontrollably — she's now such a broken woman. They had to strip search her afterwards to make sure she didn't have drugs on her body. Then the list was quietly disposed of. Britney just turns this stuff over and over in her mind. She has dark fantasies about terrible things happening to her enemies.

Scary - if it's true. But I would tend to doubt a lot of it. It sounds like tabloid sensationalism to me. Of course, Britney's life has become so crazy, the reality may actually surpass the fabrications of yellow journalists. In time, we may learn that fiction has nothing on the truth.

Still More Vanity Fair Pics

Cameron Diaz. No more pot jokes. Let's make fun of her clothes instead. She looks like Columbo. "Book 'em, Dan-o." Oh wait, that was Hawaii Five-0.

I'm now less disturbed by the influence of Scientology on Katie than that of Poshy. I think Poshy was the one who taught her to keep this expression on her face. It's supposed to be Katie's "serious" look, but she can't do it right, so it just looks like her shoes hurt. Or maybe her shoes just hurt. Or maybe she's got that ringing in her ear that comes whenever the behavioral inhibitor chip kicks in.

All right, why is the light on Biel's face the same color as her dress? She didn't have someone following her around with a colored light, did she? And is that the same dress she wore to the ceremony? Aren't stylish ladies supposed to change? Cameron did. I guess Jessica figured her dress was functional enough that she didn't mind traipsing around in it all night. Some of those dresses, you can't even walk in (I'm told).

Sean Penn kind of laughs at Sacha Baron Cohen. You just know they're discussing how ignorant and gullible Americans are. They both hate America. Oh, and look at how admiringly Isla Fisher gazes at Sacha. She thinks he's brilliant. Why? Cause he has a British accent? What an airhead. I mean Isla. And Penn too.

Beyonce, Oprah and Mary J. Blige. Beyonce's boobs are trying to make contact with Oprah's it appears. There's some kind of weird boob-telepathy going on. Maybe Oprah's boobs are telling Beyonce's not to be jealous of Jennifer Hudson's. Face it Beyonce, Jennifer's a better singer than you, a better actress than you, and her boobs are finer. Honestly, name one thing you have that's better than Jennifer. The ass? All right, I'll give you the ass. But after the ass? Your weave? Your armpits? What?

Beyonce - what a loser.

Robert Downey, Jr. makes out with a woman who is apparently his wife Susan. This is real progress for them. Not long ago, Susan couldn't hope to distract Downey from his coke. Now if she waves her hands around vigorously, she sometimes manages to catch his attention.

Oh look, it's Madonna and Gwyneth. My, my - two little English lasses sharing a spot of fun. Well, cheerio to them. Hoist another pint then, eh lassies? Put another shrimp on the barbie...er, no, that's Australia. Hmm, let's see - how 'bout some bangers and hash? Fish and chips? Damn, Kevin Kline was right about the English in A Fish Called Wanda - they are fucking lame.

Brandon Davis Is The Biggest Creep On Earth

Paris Hilton may finally have wised-up about her buddy Brandon Davis. Or, I hope she's wised-up. After what went down at Paris's 26th birthday party, she better have wised-up. Because anyone who keeps a friend around who behaves like such an unconscionable boor - well, that person deserves whatever misery is heaped upon their flitty little head.

So what did Brandon do, anyway, to finally convince Paris to show him the door? The petroleum-secreting oil heir did nothing less than completely ruin Paris's party. According to reports, Paris's parents shelled out an outrageous sum to arrange the shindig at the Rodeo Drive restaurant Prime Grill - they allegedly spent $10,000 on the flowers alone. All went swimmingly at first - Paris was radiant, Stavros Niarchos on her arm, her bud Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden by her side. Then the trouble began. Around 10 p.m., Brandon, surely bombed out of his mind on something, began his attempt to set an all-time record for most revolting behavior.

The first target of Davis's inebriated foolishness was Paula Abdul, who was there to sing "Happy Birthday" to Paris. For some reason Davis began pelting Paula with flowers, then started pegging styrofoam flower-holders at her, and was heard saying, "Lick my [bleep], Paula." Then he raised the ante by speaking nonsense in an Arabic accent, mocking Paula's ethnic heritage. At this point Paris and Stavros tried shutting him up, but Paula had already had enough and was out the door (without singing). But wait, it gets better. Having finished with Paula, Davis then set his sights on Courtney Love, who was at the party with her 15-year-old daughter Frances Bean. According to a witness, Brandon "lifted [Courtney] up so that she was straddling his waist. ... Her Chanel dress was riding up. Brandon was saying, 'I want to squirt on you.' He was humping Courtney in front of her daughter... When he put her down, Courtney grabbed Frances and they marched out of the restaurant through the kitchen."

So Brandon was 2-for-2. But there would be no more conquests for the King of Assholes this night. Paris finally got upset with him after he knocked over some candles and glasses - she screamed at her mother, "This is not my fault!" Brandon was then talked into leaving, and the party was allowed to finish. Afterward, Paris and her buds went to her house for some further revelry (a website will soon have the pictures, I'm sure). An undaunted Brandon reportedly showed up there too, but Paris's security people had been told by this time to keep him away, and he was escorted out. There has been no official statement about the matter from either Paris's people or Brandon.

So, did Brandon Davis finally cross the line, and convince Paris Hilton to find a better class of friends? I'd like to think so, but I doubt it. The problem with Paris is that, deep-down, she was probably amused by Brandon's behavior. Had he done that stuff in a different setting, without her parents around, she probably would've laughed. But, her parents were there, so some kind of childish parent-pleasing reflex took over, compelling her to get upset. She had no choice but to have Brandon kicked out of the party, but it wouldn't shock me if, in a day or two, they're back together again, sliming all over each other. It's going to take more than one little embarrassment to break up that team. Because, let's face it, they're perfect for each other. Neither one has a drop of class, and both seem completely heartless and sadistic. They both live to mock and torment people. Davis is so bad that it wouldn't surprise me to hear he was whacking squirrels' heads off with a golf-club like Michael Skakel. This is how these people are - these privileged types. The rest of humanity is just there for their amusement. Of course, Paris isn't as bad as Davis. Paris at least has a little shame; Davis has none. The man is so repulsive and worthless that you can't even laugh when he torments Paula Abdul. He actually makes me feel for Paula. And even Courtney Love, who barely seems human anymore, becomes a sympathetic figure when Davis picks on her. I think Brandon Davis may have achieved his goal - he has become the most sickening, low, vile piece of refuse in the universe. He's even worse than Russell Crowe.

More Vanity Fair After-Party Pics

Ellen Degeneres and Jamie Foxx. Well Ellen, at least you made someone laugh last night...

(Foxx totally wants a three way with Ellen and Portia).

Ron Howard talks to Jay Leno. I heard Ron was thinking of doing a re-make of The Elephant Man. Leno would be perfect for the lead - wouldn't even have to make him up.

Madonna and Forest Whitaker. Sorry Madonna, you can't adopt him. Angelina beat you to it.

Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, Mary J. Blige and Oprah Winfrey. That's some girl-power there, kids. There's also a yin-yang quality to this picture, isn't there? And damn - look at Oprah's boobs. What, was she trying to out-bazoom Jennifer Hudson? Maybe they should've had Oprah sing that song with Jennifer during the ceremony. Then poor Beyonce wouldn't have had to pop a blood vessel in her head.

Isla Fisher aka Sacha Baron Cohen's squeeze cozies up to Portia de Rossi. You know Cohen sent Isla over to ask Portia for a three-way. All right, that's two three-way jokes about Portia de Rossi. I apologize.

Spike Lee and Orlando Bloom? What, was some photographer going around the room just randomly throwing people together?

I see Orlando still hasn't gotten hold of a comb. Judging by his eyes, I'd say he did get his hands on some blow, though. And apparently that wasn't all Orlando got his hands on over the weekend - according to the Daily Mirror, Orlando's mitts were pretty damn busy at the Soho House pre-Oscar party too. Busy with Penelope Cruz, who was seen having drinks with him in a corner, and then with Ray Winston's daughter Jaime, whom Orlando took to a tucked-away spot after Penelope left. Both young women, it's reported, were treated to a good deal of groping, and gave their share back as well. But the winner was Penelope, who was seen in Orlando's arms Saturday night at the Chateau Marmont.

Britney Needs Her Privacy - And Is Willing To Pay For It

Britney Spears is sick of people bugging her, and that includes the people in rehab. So, to insure privacy while she "cleans up," Spears has done something drastic - demand that the Promises rehab center clear an entire wing of other patients so she can be alone.

"She wants all the rooms on her wing," said an inside source. "It will cost her hundreds of thousands (of dollars)."

If I were the Promises people, I'd just do it. The last thing you want is Britney busting through your office door waving an umbrella around. Of course, it's sort of a shitty deal for the other patients, who will now have to find another rehab facility or double-up. Maybe Britney could see her way clear to compensate these folks for their trouble. Send a little cash their way, or maybe do some freebie auto detailing. She's great with SUVs.

Alan Arkin Should Adopt Britney Spears

Alan Arkin is not only an Oscar-winner and a Hollywood legend, he is also a man of eminent good sense. He proved this last night on the red-carpet by his comments about Little Miss Sunshine co-star Abigail Breslin, who was up for Best Supporting Actress. Here's what Arkin said when asked about Breslin's chances for winning the award:

I hope she loses frankly. No, I'm serious. I am not joking ... What, next year she is going to get the Nobel Prize? It's enough. She has had enough attention. ... I love her and I love her family; and I feel enough is enough. ... She is a kid; she needs to have a childhood.

How much better off would poor rehabbing Britney be if her parents had taken the same attitude? Kudos, Alan Arkin.

(P.S. - Some of you are going to be cheesed about Arkin's "I hope she loses" comment. You're going to say things like, "How could he be so mean to a little girl?" But, all Arkin's saying is that the transient joy from winning an award is nothing compared to being truly happy and fulfilled in life. There are too many people who think little empty accomplishments matter. That's why people sue school systems when they think their kids have been robbed out of the Valedictorian. Who cares? Always striving for a meaningless, temporary sense of gratification will ultimately make you miserable. Arkin speaks the truth. And the world is full of dolts who don't get that Oscars mean nothing.)

Where The Non-Elite Meet - To Wallow In Their Sucky Loserness

So what do you do if you can't get into the Oscars? You get yourself into one of the various viewing parties/dinners/celebrations that take place the same evening. That's where all the non-invited D-listers hang. Of course, a lot of them are charity events, like Elton John's AIDS Foundation thing. That's so the losers can fool themselves into thinking they're doing something good when all they're really doing is stewing in jealousy.

Sheryl Crow at Elton John's AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing Dinner. Things have gone south for Sheryl since Lance ditched her. No reason to fret it though, Sheryl. So Lance would rather "work out" with Jake Gyllenhaal than be with you. Can you blame him?

Emmy Rossum at Elton's event. I want to make fun of her but I can't. She's so pretty even an irascible old queer like me can't help but go silent in admiration.

On the opposite side of the spectrum from Emmy Rossum, it's semen-encrusted porn slut Jenna Jameson, attending something called The Night of 100 Stars Oscar Gala. All right, somebody explain to me - why do people think the scrawny-chick-with-big-fake-tits thing is hot? Pamela Anderson and this broad - gross. Sometimes heteros just make no sense to me (any straight man who would rather have this beast than Emmy Rossum is plain dumb).

Sharon Stone at Elton's. Is it just me or has she been looking a bit like Liz Hurley lately? You know, I think there's an auction at that Elton John deal - and we all know Sharon loves conducting auctions.

By the way, yesterday was a big day for Sharon too - she won Best Actress at the Razzies, and Basic Instinct 2 won Best Picture. I still liked her best as the bitchy actress in Irreconcilable Differences. Now that's going way back.

Rachel Leigh Cook at Entertainment Weekly's viewing party. Is she still in show-biz? She sort of peaked with that one anti-drug PSA where she went nuts with the frying pan. "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs." I had no idea being on drugs was like a no-name starlet flaking out in your kitchen. Very informative.

Bai Ling at Elton's. Come on - let Bai Ling into the Oscars. She's what that stodgy mess needs. Hell, let her host it. She could do some kind of bizarro Oriental musical number that degenerates into a kinky striptease. Then ten bronzed musclemen could descend from the rafters in little gondolas and begin simulating sex-acts with each other while Bai straddles a giant dildo. The FCC's phone-system would crash, but it would be worth it.

Haylie Duff and Lance Bass at the "Envelope Please" viewing party. Psst, Lance. That's not a dude...

Dita Von Teese at Elton's. She's doing her old-timey thing again. Oh, give it a rest Dita - you're not one of the Andrews Sisters. Yes, I know - she has style. She also had Marilyn Manson's weenie inside her. Not that she could tell...

(Dirty Disher's gonna kill me for that one. Oh well...)

Tara Reid, also at Elton's. Tara's just glad to be anywhere - as long as there's booze. And nice soft carpeting.

Poshy at Elton's. What? Poshy couldn't get into the Oscars? You mean her good buddy Tom couldn't pull any strings for her and get her a seat? So she had to hang out at the same place as Tara Reid and Sheryl Crow? Ha! So much for Poshy "taking over Hollywood." Bitch can't even get a seat in the nose-bleed section at the Kodak. Wow, what a bring-down for Poshy. Europe's biggest celebutard barely makes the D-list in the States. And you know she was just pissed as hell about it too. Probably broke some crystal. The delusional no-clout slag.

Vanity Fair Post-Oscar Party Pics

The Vanity Fair party is always the biggest shindig of the post-Oscar night. Lots of schmoozing and drinking goes on there. And sneaking into bathrooms to do lines. Anyway, here are some pictures I filched from the Vanity Fair website:


Oscar-winner Helen Mirren. You just know she got crazy last night. Girl used to be pretty wild back in the day. She still has a tattoo on her hand that she got while hanging out with a bunch of Indians in Minnesota. She did a great job playing that repressed old hag Queen Elizabeth though. Must've hurt her ass, pinching it so tight day after day.

The Smith family. Andre Leon Talley kept calling them "Hollywood's First Family." Come on Andre, everyone knows that's the O'Neals. The Smiths are too boring and normal to be Hollywood's first family. Why, as far as we know, little Jayden hasn't even been in rehab yet. I bet he did try to get a piece of Abigail Breslin last night, though. Little smoothie.

Host Ellen Degeneres and her girl Portia de Rossi. Um, do they look happy to you? Maybe they just don't like having their picture taken. I'm sorry, but that de Rossi chick just seems like the most stuck-up dyke on the face of the earth. And Degeneres - she's not a rageaholic like Rosie, but I bet she has her moments.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes hang with Vanity Fair's own Graydon Carter. So what do we think of Poshy's styling work on Tom and Katie? Katie's look is a bit severe, isn't it? We know Poshy likes that deadly-serious thing, but I think it's wrong for Katie. She should be more good-humored in public. If she has any good-humor left after being in the presence of a bunch of self-important asshole Scientologist freaks.

Speaking of unhappy couples - Jesus, Nicole and Keith, could you be more miserable? Honestly, I have yet to see a picture of these two where they actually look comfortable in each other's presence. Usually people have to be married a few years before the strain starts to show, but these two - they were straining even before they got married. People need to give these decisions more thought.

Here's Keith Urban with Dixie Trick...er, Chick...Natalie Maines. He's got the same dumb smile plastered on his face as in the picture with Nicole. I guess that's just his "smiling through the tears" face. Must be rough on old Keith, being in a party full of drunk people. Funny Nicole would even want to go to such a place with him. Doesn't she have any concern for his well-being? I guess playing the Hollywood game is more important to her than the health of the man she allegedly loves.

More Vanity Fair party pics later...

Live-Blogging The Fricking Oscars

12:15 - Nicholson totally lied when he said The Departed won. It was really Little Miss Sunshine. Liar.

The Departed ain't that good, kids. It's a bunch of hard-ass guys swearing in Boston accents, and Nicholson waving a rubber dick around. The story is totally preposterous. It only won because they decided it was going to be Scorsese's year. Complete sham. Oscars suck. Good night.

12:13 - Best Picture. Here we go. I can finally go to bed.

Nicholson and Keaton. Didn't Nicholson give Best Picture last year?

Apparently, Nicholson is playing a cancer victim in a Rob Reiner movie, hence the baldness.

12:12 - Lucas was staring around like a mental patient. Honestly, I'm starting to understand why his movies suck so bad. He's got frontal-lobe damage.

12:09 - All right, all you Scorsese-heads. He finally won one. You CAN ALL SHUT UP NOW!

12:08 - George Lucas is a fat blob. If Scorsese doesn't win he may cry.

12:07 - Forest, it's just an Oscar. You didn't cure cancer, dude.

12:05 - Forest Whitaker wins. O'Toole sort of gasped for a second, then started clapping. We may need a defibrillator for O'Toole.

Whitaker is having another breakdown like at the Golden Globes.

12:03 - Gosling. What a cut-up.

Well, O'Toole's still awake. That's good news.

12:02 - That orchestral version of Walk the Line while Reese was walking out - gag.

Best Actor. Goody.

12:01 - Degeneres is vacuuming.

Pot-humor - never fails.

11:56 - Helen Mirren. Nothing but silver-haired old ladies tonight.

Holy crap, Penelope Cruz - she is cheesed she lost.

11:53 - Best Actress. Finally. God, did Philip Seymour Hoffman just get done sleeping in a refrigerator box?

11:50 - That wasn't too sad. Most of those people were old.

11:45 - Yes! Dead-people reel!

Jodie really should consider not going bare-armed anymore.

11:41 - Best Editing. That's all the farther we are? Best Editing?

The Departed wins. Is that Martin Scorsese's grandma?

11:29 - John Travolta (Propecia!). Him in that fat-suit from Hairspray - lord.

Melissa Etheridge wins Best Song for that crappy ditty from An Inconvenient Truth. The Dreamgirls songs aren't that good.

Al Gore inspires us to care about the earth. He doesn't inspire me to care about Melissa Etheridge or her dopey wife.

11:26 - Beyonce tries so hard. Too bad she sucks.

11:23 - I just found the WMD. They were hidden between Jennifer Hudson's bazooms.

Ooh, Beyonce v. Hudson. Beyonce's voice sounds so thin compared to Hudson's. Beyonce really is nothing but a piece of ass.

11:15 - Little Miss Sunshine guy wins Best Original Screenplay. Somebody was robbed. Not sure who. Quit paying attention several minutes ago.

11:12 - Wow. Academy president Sid Gannis. Doesn't get anymore electrifying than that.

Kiki and Tobey. Jesus, McGuire looks more like a serial killer than usual.

11:09 - Babel guy wins Best Score. He looks like Andy Serkis.

11:07 - The "Volverine?" They put Jackman and Cruz together just for that joke. Beyond weak.

11:03 - Wow, Eastwood speaks Italian. Crabbie speaks Italian too. Chef Boyardee is magnifico!

10:55 - Ennio Morricone scored Orca?

What the hell does this Celine Dion song have to do with Ennio Morricone? I'm lost.

I can't even understand what she's singing. Did she make up her own language? Canadians are weird.

10:49 - An Inconvenient Truth wins Best Documentary. Oh God. Al just kissed Tipper. That was something I never, ever wanted to see again.

Great. Now Al gets to give another speech. I guarantee they will not drown him out.

10:48 - Seinfeld makes humorous observations. That's what he does. He's observational and humorous.

10:45 - She talked Chinese.

Seinfeld? Why?

10:43 - Eva Green's hair is...interesting.

Nobody cares about documentaries.

10:38 - A fiver says Clooney bangs Hudson in the bathroom.

10:36 - Jennifer Hudson wins. Dumb-asses cut away while Beyonce was hugging her.

God, now Hudson's going to gush on about her damn grandmother.

Rinko Kikuchi was robbed. All Hudson did was give attitude and sing a couple songs.

10:35 - Supporting Actress. I can't wait. Hudson's going to win, and Beyonce's head is going to go off like a watermelon with giant firecracker in it.

10:34 - Degeneres just got molested behind that screen.

10:31 - The Lives Of Others wins Best Foreign-Language film. See? It always works - make a movie about how rotten Germans are, you win an Oscar.

10:30 - Nice artsy-fartsy clips package. I feel so edified now.

What? No Elvira Madigan?

10:24 - Catherine Deneuve's face is disturbing.

Oh great, another clips package.

10:21 - Robert Downey Jr. makes fun of his own rampant drug use.

Naomi Watts's dress looks like it may fall off.

Pirates 2 wins for visual effects. Watts can barely get the words out. Is she retarded? Did Downey give her something backstage?

10:20 - Everyone's going to say Degeneres was great tonight. She's okay. Better than Stewart (despite what I said before). Way better than Letterman.

10:17 - The only thing worse than interpretive dance? Interpretive silhouette dance.

10:15 - Pan's Labyrinth wins Cinematography. I thought Children of Men was supposed to win. It didn't.

10:13 - Eastwood. Applesauce. Note pinned to sleeve.

10:11 - All right! Christ, Jean Hersholt was a great humanitarian, and even he would want to kick Sherry Lansing.

10:09 - Jean Hersholt humanitarian award! Hersholt was in Heidi with Shirley Temple. Just thought I'd mention.

God, Sherry Lansing's neck.

10:06 - Oh my God. Tom! Poshy picked out that suit? It's boring. He's boring.

10:04 - Yay. Marie Antoinette. Crabbie's favorite movie. I hope it wins.

Yes. Marie Antoinette for Costume Design.

I find Jason Schwartzman oddly attractive. Is that bad?

10:03 - Ellen Degeneres wants to jump Anne Hathaway. She may get her chance, too.

I thought Maggie Gyllenhaal was fugly till I saw Emily Blunt.

Look, Meryl Streep made a face.

Costume Design. Hey, look. A kilt.

9:58 - Come to think of it - where are Tom and Katie? Has anyone seen them? Are they being saved for the end, I wonder? Poshy was supposed to style them and I wanted to see that. Damn, the one thing I was looking forward to - now there's nothing left but the dead-people reel.

9:53 - The Departed wins Best Adapted Screenplay. Borat was robbed!

9:50 - Tom Hanks. Propecia!

9:47 - I love it when Affleck tries to act like he knows something.

9:44 - Diaz is pretty mellow. Looked like Gosling wanted to molest her.

Happy Feet wins Animated Feature. Cars is dissed. Take that internal-combustion driven carbon-dioxide emitting machines!

9:37 - Seinfeld's on blow.

The Oscars have gone green. Kind of like my shit.

Shut up Al. We know. The world is ending. We sort of wish it was ending faster, so we wouldn't have to listen to any more of your speech.

Wouldn't it be great if DiCaprio slipped and called him Al Whore?

Al Gore is such a cut-up.

9:35 - Jeez, Melissa Etheridge really means it doesn't she?

No, you're not an island, Melissa. You're a freaking continent.

9:32 - Randy Newman has been nominated 17 times. That means he's written 17 completely atrocious songs. 18 if you count I Love L.A.

9:27 - Interpretive dance! Can I kill myself now?

9:22 - Wahlberg got arrested 29 times as a kid? Oh, I bet he's thrilled they brought that up.

If there's a God that old fart Arkin will win...

"I am his father!" That's all Hounsou does in that film. Besides look hot.

Wait, if there's a God Marky Mark will win. And whip his pants off!

Ha. Murphy dissed. Take that, Velvet Jones!

Arkin wins. Good.

9:21 - This idiot wrote a speech. Drown him out!

9:18 - Jessica Biel. Dirty Disher just chucked her Nerf ball at the screen.

James McAvoy? Never heard of him.

Apocalypto is nominated for a bunch of stuff but it's not going to win. Because everyone hates Mel Gibson.

9:13 - Elements & Motion. What?

9:06 - I'm disturbed by Nicholson's head.

My God - what a creepy shot of Gwyneth Paltrow.

9:04 - I want to punch Will Smith's kid.

9:01 - Kids are so adorable. When they're being quiet.

Stop giving uncle Crabbie a headache, sonny. And go mix me another Bloody Mary.

8:58 - What the hell just happened? Was that little musical bit actually funny? I don't know what to do...

Pan's Labyrinth wins again. Gayest movie ever.

8:49 - Maggie Gyllenhaal has an annoying little-girl voice. What was that about a densitometer? Does that measure how dense a person is? I wonder if there's a fugitometer. Maggie would break that.

8:47 - Kidman and Craig totally want each other.

Pan's Labyrinth wins best Art Direction. That means it's gay.

8:46 - Daniel Craig = jughead. God, he's so serious. Kidman can barely talk.

8:43 - Holy shit. DiCaprio looks just like his mom.

Djimon Hounsou. Yes. He's diverse. Cause he's black. Black people are diverse, Ellen.

8:41 - Nicholson is bald.

8:40 - Degeneres is flopping. She's worse than Jon Stewart.

8:38 - Degeneres looks like a bellhop.

8:36 - Better give out Best Actor first. O'Toole may not last another hour.

Finally, the damn intro ends.

8:35 - This intro is like the world's longest, most boring cellular phone ad.

8:24 - Come on Marky Mark. Whip off your pants. Show us those skivvies.

8:19 - Gosling is there with his sister and mom? Where's Rachel? Uh-oh - trouble in Dullsville.

8:15 - Note to ABC - hire professional interviewers.

Oh my God, Cameron Diaz is so stoned.

8:09 - Oh my God. Who is this chick interviewing the Devil Wears Prada people? "Slam-dunk all the way across." I wish someone would slam-dunk your head into a slab of concrete.

8:07 - Andre Leon Talley is so uncomfortable. Stop talking about Jennifer Hudson's shoes. Let's see the foot-fat, Jennifer.

8:04 - All right, I thought the damn show started at 8. What is this shit? Lisa Ling? Naomi Watts looks pregnant.

God, Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts - what a couple of giggling nitwits. "What do you girls do for fun?" Inject each other with BoTox?

8:03 - Lamest intro ever.

8:01 - The Oscars! The first slam at George Bush is in the books.

7:59 - Reese's dress has gills.

7:49 - Here we go. Live-blogging the Oscars. Ten minutes or so till the start of the ceremony. So far, the red-carpet has been the most boring in history. No outrageous Cher-like fashion disasters. Few hideously uncomfortable moments between Seacrest and his interviewees (got a bit testy with Cate Blanchett for a second though, didn't it?). Biggest cock of the evening so far - Eddie Murphy. Jesus, that guy takes himself seriously. You were in The Adventures Of Pluto Nash, Eddie. Stop.

Oscar Arrivals

Mark Wahlberg. Schwing!

Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts. They should've found a third person to wear green. Then they could've gone together as a traffic signal.

Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman. That thing Meryl's wearing - it opens the door to another dimension I think.

Reese Witherspoon aka The Mad Munchkin.

Gwyneth Paltrow. Snob.

Kate Winslet.

Nicole Kidman is scary.

Kirsten Dunst. Marie Antoinette so rocked Crabbie's world. Kiki was robbed! Get a clue, Academy.

Anne Hathaway. It's the night of a thousand lesbians.

Beyonce. You can tell it's a big event because she has her arms down. No pits on the Oscars.

Once more, you make me gag Celine...

Cate Blanchett. Do you think we could gush about her elegance a little more?

Leo. Came with his mom again. Poor sap.

Will Smith and family.

Jennifer Hudson. Everybody's really cinched around the waist ain't they?

Jessica Biel aka Bride of Frankenstein With Slight Pokies.

Helen Mirren. You mean they didn't just hand her the Oscar on the red-carpet? Might as well.

Penelope Cruz.

Cameron (cough cough) Diaz.

Rachel Weisz.

Jennifer Lopez hauls poor Mark Anthony to another event.

Emily Blunt. The ass distracts from the face. That's a good thing.

Rinko Kikuchi. Ruv this chick.

Gael Garcia Bernal aka Throbbing-Boner-Causer. Nice recovery by Seacrest after asking Bernal what it was like working with Brad Pitt - in a movie where the two had no scenes together (doofus).

Portia de Rossi shows up in support of her gal Ellen Degeneres. It's not Grecian, Giuliana!

Jodie Foster leads the lesbian contingent.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Buy a few more vowels there, would ya?

Joan and Melissa Rivers. Melissa has now had more work done than her hideous mother.

Armani Men

Let's play a little game of who's the hottest (with pics from last night's Armani Oscar celebration):

Contestant Number 1 - Clive Owen:

Crabbie loves Clive - he's half a caveman, yet still strangely elegant. Ooh, but is he getting a little paunchy?

Contestant Number 2 - Josh Hartnett:

All right Josh, here's the deal - if you're gonna go casual, go casual. The jeans are fine, but um - the jacket? Why does it look like it's about to stab you in the chin? It almost seems like Josh showed up at the party with his regular old rolled-out-of-bed duds on, and somebody said he needed a jacket, and this was all there was. I want to believe that anyway. Unfortunately, I have a sneaking hunch Josh picked this out for himself. It makes him look like a waiter for the undead.

Contestant number 3 - Leonardo DiCaprio:

See Josh? That's how you do dressed-up-but-not-too-dressed-up. No tie. Unbuttoned collar (but no chest-hair showing). Little chin-stubble. Leo wins.

Tyra Honks McPhee's Horns

There hasn't been such a meeting-of-the-minds since Franklin got together with Voltaire in Paris.

Witherspoon And Dog

Reese Witherspoon takes her pup for a walk in Beverly Hills. Damn, Reese looks really skinny and pissed lately. It's like she's turning into an Olsen twin (although an Olsen twin would never be caught dead in flip-flops).

Ha, an Olsen twin. You hear that one Reese? Pretty good, huh?

Ooh. Maybe not so funny. Okay. Reese. Hey. It's all right. Sorry. Heh-heh. I'm backing slowly away now. Backing...slowly...away...

The Booty Of Beyonce

Beyonce at Giorgio Armani's Oscar Celebration. So, tonight's the big night - for Jennifer Hudson. And Beyonce has no choice but to sit there, squirming. It's going to be so great, when Hudson's name is called, and they cut to Beyonce smiling and clapping, and repressing all that jealousy and rage. Beyonce's going to need some serious medication to get through tonight, I have a feeling.

Armani Pre-Oscar Bash Becomes Scientology Convention

John Travolta (Propecia!), Katie Holmes and Kelly Preston attend Giorgio Armani's Oscar Celebration. My God, does Katie have a get-me-out-of-here look on her face or what? That girl has no interest in being the meat in a crazy Scientology sandwich. I don't know about you, but I have a feeling the cheese has fallen off the alien-cult cracker for old Katie. First time a guard nods off, Katie's grabbing Suri and she's out of there. If she can get past the robot guards and booby-traps that suck you into a miniature black-hole, that is.

More Pot-Smoking Stars: Diaz And Barrymore

All right - what's with the rash of stars-smoking-pot pics lately? First it was Paris, then it was Mischa, and now it's Drew and Cameron. What's going on here? Is it just a coincidence that paps keep happening to grab these shots, or is there some kind of secret campaign being waged? Are stars purposely being seen smoking weed as a means of showing their support for legalization? You can't tell me Drew and Cam don't know they're being photographed right there. They've been stars for a long time - they've got good radar, and know when someone is pointing a camera at them. I think this could be some kind of crusade. If so, I say go Cam and Drew. And Mischa. And even you shit-for-brains Paris. Stick it to the Man, girls. Attica! Attica!

Scarlett Loves The Poor Folks Too

Looks like Angelina Jolie has some competition for savior of humanity - from none other than Scarlett Johansson. What, Scarlett's not content being the big-bazoomed object of Woody Allen's droolingly perverted desire? Apparently not. Apparently, Scarlett wants to be taken seriously now, not just as an actress but as a humanitarian. To that end, Scarlett has been going around India, touring schools and slums on behalf of Oxfam. Says Oxfam's south Asian director, Ashvin Dayal, "We are delighted that Scarlett is supporting Oxfam and our work to help end global poverty. High-profile support helps us to raise awareness of these issues and urge governments and leaders worldwide to act."

Well, all that's fine and good - Scarlett is no different than any other celeb who's trying to validate their otherwise worthless existence via photo-op. However, I wonder if Scarlett is really a good choice for this one. I mean, Angelina at least exudes a sense of suffering, and often looks nearly as emaciated as the slum folks she's pretend-ministering to. They can relate to her. They think to themselves, "Man, she's rich and famous, and she looks almost as bad as I do." It helps their self-esteem if nothing else. Scarlett, on the other hand - well, let's just say, Scarlett ain't starving. Not that she's fat - she just has certain exaggerated proportions. All those frail, stick-thin women over there, they look at Scarlett, and they must just feel like God is rubbing it in. They think, "But for the accident of being born in this craphole, I could've been this woman." But then again, if they're Hindu, they probably don't think that at all. Then they probably just think, "Well, in the next life..." Yes, in the next life, you too could be Scarlett Johansson. But watch your karma, or you could wind up as Courtney Love.

Poshy Makes The Party Scene

Victoria Beckham aka Poshy decks herself out in white and hits the pre-Oscar parties. That suit makes for an interesting contrast with Poshy's skin. I mean, I know it's the lack of light too, but damn - that girl's skin-tone ain't natural. If I were Posh I think I'd avoid white altogether. For various reasons.

Maggie Fugs Up The Spirit Awards

Okay, they used to be called the Independent Spirit Awards, but now they're just called the Spirit Awards? Well shit, I never got that memo. Why the hell don't I ever get the memos? I want a god damn memo. Just one.

Anyway, here's Maggie Gyllenhaal, or as I call her, the Gyllenhaal who isn't Jake so why the hell do I bother writing about her? She was probably nominated for a Spirit award for playing a single mom in a gritty movie about the hardships of life or something. That's what all those snooty Hollywood bitches do when they don't want to be thought of as snooty Hollywood bitches. Of course, if Maggie ever encountered that kind of person in real life she'd probably call her assistant in to shoo them away. "Get that proletarian scum away from me, Jeeves. I don't want their rank odor getting into my clothing." Ugly slag.

Charlize And The Babel Man

Charlize Theron takes a break from smoking mother nature to pose with Oscar-nominated director Alejandro-Gonzalez Inarritu at the Academy's Foreign Language Film Award Reception. Bet Inarritu has some great connections down Mexico way. Get Charlize some of that primo puff-puff. I sort of wish Charlize would learn to lay off the weed myself. Smoking that stuff is how things like Aeon Flux happen.

Zeta, Sans Goat

Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Food Network Awards Show. Notably absent from this picture is Zeta's wizened old crookback of a husband Michael Douglas. Guess she left him home with his Grape Nuts and his Matlock tapes. Good for her. I've always been a fan. Ravishing woman, and loves to sue people. If she had any sense she'd slip something into Douglas's IV, collect the money and head to Argentina.

Reid And Ling: An Unholy Union Of Shameless Exhibitionists

More skanks on the pre-Oscar party circuit - Tara Reid and Bai Ling at de Grisogono's cocktail party. They totally got freaky with each other afterward, I bet.

Paris And Brandon - Such A Lovely Couple

Paris Hilton and sometime-playmate Brandon Davis hang at de Grisogono's Pre-Oscar cocktail party. Jesus, that Davis is one bloated, sweaty, repulsive dude. If I didn't know better I'd guess he was a fifty-year-old man with a cholesterol number around 200. Better get a lipoprotein profile done, Brandon. And Paris - why do you hang around with that glandular case anyway? Are you hoping something will happen to him? Are you such a sick, sadistic bitch that you actually want to give him an acute myocardial infarction? Murdering whore.

Kidman And Urban Get Some Chow

Nicole Kidman and scruffy country-star hubby Keith Urban grab a bite to eat at Mr. Chow. Wow, they look really comfortable together. Nope - no awkwardness between these two. Jeez, I wonder how much longer they're going to keep up the charade - everyone knows he's a two-timing snake in the grass and she's just an emotional Vesuvius waiting to erupt.

(By the way - this picture is honestly the best one of the set. Paps didn't do their job. Come on guys - we need good pics of dining celebs. Get some fricking angles we can work with. Don't be intimidated just because one crazy nut went after some of your brothers with an umbrella.)

Past Oscar Fashion Debacles

Instructions for looking like a maniac at Oscars: Take one jacket. Cut in half. Add wacky angular collar and goofy sleeve adornments. Now take one old, wrinkled prom dress. Sew half-jacket to it. Don long glove, leaving other hand bare. Plaster slightly-embarrassed expression to face. Enjoy...

Whoopi never got to play the Fairy Godmother in that rock-opera version of Cinderella. But she had the costume lying around, so she figured, what the hell...

Is that a dress or is Geena Davis shitting satin ruffles?

Cher shows us how Vegas showgirls would dress if their clothes were designed by Zulu warriors from Planet Mongo.

"Yes, they're breasts. No, the right one isn't sliding down my body. No, I did not listen to my mother when she lectured me about my posture..."

A little history lesson from Diane Keaton. Back in the '20s, this is how daring women dressed when they wanted to be androgynous and kinky. Diane knows cause she was there. She had a torrid fling with Ramon Novarro. He told her she would look hot if she dressed like an Astor - a male Astor. With big hips and stock in a company specializing in hats that don't fit.

"Hello everyone. I am the stupidest outfit in the history of the Oscars. I was conceived in the drug-addled brain of Bjork's best friend. Unfortunately, I am unable to move, otherwise I would do what everyone wants me to - strangle Bjork. Please, someone put me out of my misery. Please."

Helena Bonham Carter makes history by reconceiving Eliza Doolittle as a crackhead Goth chick. The play is called My Angst-Ridden Lady. In it, Henry Higgins fails to teach Eliza good diction, because they're too busy being bombed out of their skulls, and the two wind up hitchhiking to Tacoma.

Yes, even Barbra Streisand has committed heinous fashion transgressions. This particular outfit is described as a "sheer bell-bottomed pant-suit." It's sheer all right. Sheer atrociousness (I apologize for the Melissa Rivers-like line).

And, yes, what rundown of Oscar-night fashion mishaps would be complete without this little gem from several years back - Angelina Jolie and her brother dressing up like Dracula's progeny. Wow, Angelina's come a long way since those days, hasn't she? Now she no longer seeks attention via zany fashion choices - she does it by holding Brad Pitt prisoner. Free Brad.

Goofball Dutch TV Chick Handcuffs Herself To Hugh Grant At Movie Premiere

Hugh doesn't take kindly to having cuffs slapped on him. Brings back too many memories...

James Blunt Probably Ran Over A Guy's Foot

Singer James Blunt was involved in a car accident outside a pre-Oscar party Saturday, say authorities. There's no word yet as to Blunt's exact role in said mishap, but reportedly, it involved a man having his foot run over.

So, there's your story - James Blunt was completely drunk and ran over a guy's foot, crushing the bones to a powder. The man was rushed to a hospital where the foot was amputated. Then the other foot was amputated just to be on the safe side. Then his left arm was taken off just for giggles.

Blunt's model girlfriend Petra Nemcova is said to be even more distraught than she was when the tsunami hit and she wound up bear-hugging a palm tree for three days. "Why am I going out with James Blunt?" Petra is asking herself. Same question everyone else has been asking for months.

Crabbie's Massive Oscar Preview

I don't know about you, but I am incredibly psyched for this year's Academy Awards presentation. Really, Crabbie? And why is that? Because this year's Oscars are going to be the best Oscars ever...

All right, I got it out of the way, my gushy, mainstream-media-style intro. Now I'm going to tell the truth - I'm looking forward to tomorrow's Oscar presentation like I look forward to my once-every-five-years trip to the dentist (the hot-looking one who absolutely won't succumb to my charms). I mean, the Oscars - could there be anything more tedious? Five hours of lame emceeing, disingenuous acceptance speeches, clips packages of movies no one ever cared to see in the first place - and did I mention the musical numbers? Jesus, what will we get this year? A Cirque du Soieil interpretation of The Last King of Scotland? Yeah, that's what I need - a guy in a codpiece balletically embodying Idi Amin while dangling upside-down from a wire. And, of course, the misery is going to be even worse this year thanks to the hostess - Ellen Degeneres. Jesus, if that woman were any more unfunny she'd be Kathy Griffin.

Okay, so I'm not exactly stoked for the Oscars. But they're still a big deal, so, as a member of the entertainment blogging community, I feel obligated to write about them. Plus it's a boring Saturday with Britney in rehab and no Anna Nicole hearings, so what the hell else am I going to write about?

Crabbie's Picks:

Oscar prognostication is one of the biggest things on the Web these days. Seems every dork with a computer thinks he/she is a brilliant awards handicapper who has discovered the secret formula for sussing out the Academy voters' logic. And Crabbie's no exception. So, here are my predictions:

Best Art Direction, Costume Design, Make-Up and Music:

Whoever the gays dig this year.

Best Editing, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing and Visual Effects:

Why do there need to be separate categories for sound editing and sound mixing? Just put them together under "Best Sound." Then instead of two weakly-written intros delivered by uncomfortable-looking B-list actors, we get one. It's called scaling back. And who's going to win? I don't know. Pirates of the Caribbean 2?

Best Animated Short, Live Action Short:

I think Martin Short is very animated. Give that first one to him. As for the second - I don't know. It's all pretentious film-school nonsense anyway. There must be some devastatingly beautiful Norwegian film about a young girl picking a flower and the flower dying and it's all a metaphor for lost innocence. Give it to that. Of course, that movie would be a lot better if Vin Diesel came to rescue the girl from kidnappers and there was a car-chase. Shit, I hope Michael Bay doesn't read this, cause he'll probably try to make that.

Best Original Song:

Three tunes from Dreamgirls, a Randy Newman stinker from Cars and the closing-credit music from An Inconvenient Truth. Newman is the king of crappy Oscar music so he should win this. Actually, I don't care who wins this. I just want to see Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson trying to out-sing each other. Hopefully one or the other of them will permanently damage their vocal cords. Of course, in Beyonce's case, it would be hard to tell - bitch can't sing anyway. And Hudson is liable to injure herself hitting the buffet table before the ceremony and never get to sing. Maybe that new big fat black girl on American Idol can take her place. What's her name? I don't know, but that girl can sing her ass off. I hope she does a movie with Beyonce soon, so Beyonce has someone else to resent.

Best Foreign Language Film:

All right, I've actually seen two of these - Water and Pan's Labyrinth. The first is boring as all get-up, and the second is like something you normally only see after ingesting mushrooms. I don't think either will win. I think The Lives of Others will win, because it's about life behind the Iron Curtain, and movies about life behind the Iron Curtain always win, unless there's also a movie about the Holocaust, in which case that always wins. Movies about how rotten Germany is are like movies about retards - Oscar catnip.

Best Documentary Feature, Documentary Short Subject:

An Inconvenient Truth will win the first, because this will give Al Gore the opportunity to go up on-stage and deliver a rambling dissertation about the impending end of life as we know it. And you know those phonies won't cue the orchestra to drown him out after 45 seconds either - they'll let that Frankenstein-looking loser go on all night as long as they think he's embarrassing George Bush. The short subject documentary award will go to whatever film does the best job of exposing the horrors of globalism.

Best Cinematography:

All right, finally, a category I'm qualified to talk about because I've actually seen all five movies in it. Well, I'm a sucker for The Prestige - I love the natural lighting and discreet hand-held camerawork (plus Hugh Jackman is hot). The Illusionist is good too with its greenish-gold tonalities and shadow-play. The Black Dahlia has a nice period look to it, and De Palma always conceives some interesting moving shots and focus effects, but it doesn't seem as distinctive as the other work in the category. Pan's Labyrinth is memorable because Del Toro is such a master of imagery, weaving together the real and the fantastic, and creating this kind of dank, subterranean quality that becomes just over-powering. And Children of Men has been compared to Kubrick with its long, intricate shots - but to be honest I thought the film was kind of cold and detached, the camera-movement a little too programmed (I mean, the shots in the car when they're driving through the woods - am I the only one who thought that stuff was too rehearsed-feeling? And some of the stuff where the camera's following Clive Owen - I don't know, it's not spontaneous enough. I mean, okay, so they're not going for a real documentary feel, just something close to that, with a more expansive sense of space. But I don't know - I was just bugged by the sense that it was all about the actors hitting their marks. Not that it isn't really technically accomplished, cause it is. It will probably win just because it's such a prodigious feat. I just never warmed up to the film, and the photography had a lot to do with that).

Best Adapted Screenplay, Original Screenplay:

The two absolute dumbest Oscar categories. And why are they the dumbest? Because the people who vote don't read the scripts. They're voting on the movies themselves, and sometimes what's in the movies wasn't even in the frigging script. I mean, there have been some dumb winners in this category over the years. Like when M*A*S*H won - most of that movie was improvised, for Christ's sake. And how about when Branagh was nominated for doing a word-for-word adaptation of Hamlet? He didn't change anything! It was the whole play word-for-word! And this year Borat is nominated - Borat? You mean they actually wrote stuff for that movie? I thought they just went around making fun of people and filming it? And it's up for adapted screenplay. Is there a lost Edward Albee play called Borat? Stupid Oscars.

Best Animated Film:

This category would be a lot more interesting if it were Best Dirty Cartoon.

Best Supporting Actress:

I was not that impressed by Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls, I have to tell you. I mean, I thought she was okay, just not crazy-great like people want to make her out to be. As usual, I think it's the backstory that has people caught up - the nobody who rose to fame playing a nobody who rose to fame. So she's going to win just based on her bio - like Hilary Swank (who can't act a lick). If I had a vote it would be for Rinko Kikuchi in Babel. She was amazing. And not just because she was playing a frustrated deaf nympho either - or, actually, yeah, she's amazing because she was playing a frustrated deaf nympho. Not many people get to play that. She was good.

Best Supporting Actor:

Eddie Murphy just ripped off his own SNL James Brown in the hot-tub shtick in Dreamgirls, so I don't even know why he's nominated. Alan Arkin was cute in Little Miss Sunshine, but Crabbie saw a little too much of his own future in that role - an old foul-mouthed heroin-sniffing perv; yup, that's me in a few years. Still, it's probably between either of those two guys - unless the Academy plans on rewarding Djimon Hounsou or Mark Wahlberg for being hot.

Best Director:

That old cokehead Scorsese will win this for sure. All right - Scorsese's not a cokehead anymore. But back in the seventies, man, he was snorting enough snow to blanket the fricking Alps. And Eastwood - dude, back in the '30s, that guy was such a laudanum addict. Used to suck people off in alleyways for money too. Oh, I don't mean Clint Eastwood - I mean Donald Eastwood. Clint Eastwood? Laudanum and sucking people off? No way. That guy's strictly a meth-and-hand-jobs guy.

Best Actress:

Helen Mirren has this sewn up. And she has fabulous tatas...

Or used to have. Bit saggier now I'd guess.

Best Actor:

Leo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond - cute; interesting accent; no man-on-man with Hounsou. Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson - cute; strung-out junkie; points taken away for being involved with boring-ass Rachel McAdams. Peter O'Toole in Venus - really old; makes me sick; was a hot homo in Lawrence of Arabia. Will Smith in Pursuit of Happyness - token black-guy nomination; he ain't no Denzel; Men in Black 3 is just around the corner. Forest Whitaker in Last King of Scotland - this is one of those highly-respected powerhouse performances and I'm sure Whitaker is great but something about this guy just makes me nervous I don't know maybe it's his eyes but he always seems like he's on the verge of emotional collapse which is probably why he's a good actor I'd pick DiCaprio based on hotness with Gosling coming in second but Whitaker will surely win and Smith's hair looks dumb in that movie.

Best Picture:

In a stunning upset, the greatest film of all-time, the James Mason/Judy Garland version of A Star is Born comes forward in time and kicks the ass of Babel, The Queen, Letters From Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine and The Departed. The re-animated corpse of Judy Garland takes the stage to accept the award. It's a very moving moment, as her daughter, Liza Minnelli, is in the crowd. But wait, something's wrong. Judy appears to be angry. Yes, she's staring at her daughter Liza, a hellish light shining in her eyes. She points a single papery-skinned finger at Liza and rasps, "I will never forgive you for Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon. And marrying David Gest - how could you do a thing like that? He's a god damn freak. I mean, look at him. He makes Karl Lagerfeld look normal for God's sake. Everyone in limbo just laughs their asses off at you. They can't wait for you to die - and it won't be long, dearie - so they can taunt you to your face. You've never done anything but bring disgrace to our family, and considering how I behaved, that's quite an accomplishment. Bwa-ha-ha..." And then she disappears in a poof of smoke.

Special Note: Crabbie will probably be live-blogging the Oscars, and the red-carpet pre-show. Unless I just decide I don't feel like it.

Timberlake Brings Unsexy Back

What's more disturbing than Britney Spears bald? How about Justin Timberlake in golfing duds? No Justin, you don't get to dress like that and still be considered cool. Christ, even that dog is mortified.

Harry Potter Lets It All Hang Out

Pam Anderson Wore Dead Sheep On Her Feet

Pamela Anderson wore UGGs, those silly Eskimo-looking fur-lined boots, back when she was a star on Baywatch, and in doing so helped popularize the brand. Now, prominent PETA-spokeswoman Pamela is repudiating the footwear she helped make famous - because, she has discovered, the wool lining is backed with actual sheepskin.

"I'm getting rid of our Uggs," writes Pamela in her blog. "I feel so guilty for that craze being started around Baywatch days – I used to wear them with my red swimsuit to keep warm – never realizing that they were SKIN!"

Pamela goes on to explain how she thought the backing was synthetic, and the wool taken from sheep that were kindly sheared. Wrong, knucklehead. It was dead animal epidermis. Imagine Pam, some poor little sheep got flayed - probably alive - and you had its skin wrapped around your feet. I hope those boots kept your tootsies good and warm, Pam, considering that animals had to give their lives for them. Oh, and by the way Pam - your breast implants? Whale blubber. And your fake hair? It's from mermaids caught in tuna nets.

God Pam, is there anything you won't murder?

Liam Gallagher Curses Out, Punches Photographer - While His 5-Year-Old Son Watches

I like that word "thuggery." I'm going to start using it.

Pitt And Jolie Adopting Again

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are not yet satisfied with the size of their brood, and have thus begun the process of adopting a new Vietnamese baby - an orphan boy to be precise. Jolie and Pitt, who recently moved to New Orleans, already have three kids, one (Shiloh) via the old traditional get drunk/insert penis route, and two (Zahara and Mad-Dog Maddox) through adoption.

This news comes on the heels of recent reports that Angelina Jolie was in emotional turmoil after the death of her own mother, and had seen her weight drop to as low as 109 pounds. Yeah, sounds like Angelina's in great shape to welcome another baby into the family. But, maybe that's just Angelina's way of coping - some take drugs when they're miserable, some go to shrinks, some adopt orphans. At this rate Brad and Angie are going to have a whole damn houseful of little therapeutic nippers running around. I'll stick to pills and booze, thanks very much. Pills don't start wailing at two in the morning, and booze never takes a shit while sitting in your lap.

Timberlake Tosses Biel

Justin Timberlake would appear to have lost interest in Hollywood booty-girl Jessica Biel. The two reportedly had a torrid little fling at last month's Sundance Festival, but when they ran into each other Valentine's Day at Social Hollywood in Los Angeles, the former couple "took great pains to avoid each other." Hmm, wonder what that's all about. Maybe Jessica ain't so hot in the sack. Or maybe Timberlake just got sick of having a girlfriend with a bigger penis than his.

All Britney, All The Time

Guess what - there's Britney news again. No, nothing earth-shaking - as far as I know she's still in rehab and is still fricking nuts. But even when nothing's happening, we have to keep talking about Britney - we can't help ourselves. So, here we go:

Item 1: Britney's Father Calls Her "A Sick Little Girl"

Jamie Spears, Britney's da-da, has decided to chime in on his daughter's troubles. And what insight does this genius, who was once in rehab himself, have to impart? Well, he told Fox News that Britney is "a sick little girl" whose problems "are not about what other people think." Really? And what does Jamie think we think her problems are about? Cause I know what I think - her problems are him and that no-account mother of hers. And as long as they're the ones helping her, she ain't getting any help.

Some support-system Britney has - a bunch of people who just want to prop her up long enough to squeeze the last dime out of her. Even Howard K. Stern and Vergie Arthur aren't this crass.

Item 2: Britney's Old Friends Say She's Been A Druggie For Years

Here's a revelation that ain't exactly shocking - some old friends of Britney's say she's been a drug abuser since at least 2003. According to Amanda Alexander, sister of Britney's first "husband" Jason, Britney used to take Ecstasy a lot, and snorted coke while hanging with friends in her Louisiana hometown. And another alleged compadre of Britney's, Kent Smith, says the pop-star "does like to party" and claims to have been present when Britney took "Ecstasy and cocaine."

First of all, what the fuck kind of friends are these? Again - shitty support-system. Second of all, do these wizards actually think they're stunning the world? Yeah, Britney's on dope. I would be too if I was surrounded by people like you.

Item 3: Are Federline And Lynne Spears Really In Alliance?

We were previously led to believe, mostly by this story, that Federline and Lynne Spears had joined forces in their efforts to take care of Jayden James and Sean Preston while their mom was off exploring new heights of lunacy. But, according to Janet Charlton, this story may not be accurate. Charlton's version of events has Federline showing up at Britney's Malibu house while she was in rehab for the second time and snatching the children away from an upset Lynne. Reportedly, Lynne tried calling the cops on Federline, but since he's their father, it didn't really count as kidnapping. Lynne then supposedly informed Britney that Federline had taken the kids, which is why she rushed out of rehab so abruptly and went to meet with a lawyer. Later that night, Britney went to see Federline, and was told by him that she had to get back into rehab or he'd have the kids taken away from her. I guess it all fits. It does sort of cast a different light on the Federline/Lynne Spears relationship. Doesn't sound like they're all that chummy. Then again, X17 is reporting that Lynne is in Sherman Oaks today visiting Federline and the kids. Here's Lynne talking into Federline's security intercom:

"I'd like a large order of parenting skills and a clue on the side, please..."

Amanda Lepore Attempts An Expression

Tranny Amanda Lepore appears at a book signing. I guess she's smiling there. Kind of hard to tell. It's possible that she could be in tremendous pain, but her face no longer knows how to respond to the messages from her brain. Remember when we were kids and we used to give two for flinching? Amanda wouldn't have to worry about that now - she can't flinch. Or, if she does, it happens like a half-hour later after everyone's left. Plus, who would have the nerve to actually give her the two? I'd be afraid of my fist getting stuck to her arm. Christ, every time this bitch tries to change expressions, there's a sound like the gears grinding on an old tractor with a bad clutch.

More Mischa (Cause I Know You Can't Get Enough)

So old Mischa likes her a toke every now and then, eh? That's great. Only, I have a question - why, if she smokes grass, does she always look on the verge of having a complete breakdown? Pot is supposed to relax you. I guess whatever problems Mischa has are too strong for mother nature's gift to deal with. She needs some of those more-powerful man-made remedies. I'm sure little sister Hania left quite a bit behind when she checked into rehab. Mischa should call her up, find out where the stash is. Then again, maybe Hania doesn't want Mischa to know where the stash is. Cause Hania still wants that stuff for herself when she gets out, and she knows if she tells Mischa, it'll all be gone in about three days.

Oh, and by the way Mischa - we know you know the photographer is there. And no, we don't think you're cool now.

Kat McPhee Co-Hosts TRL

Kat McPhee serves as guest co-host on TRL. And you thought Carson Daly was vapid.

Host: "Does the audience have a question for Katherine? You with the blue hair and pierced forehead..."

Audience Member: "Yes, Katherine. I just wanted to ask you, um, like, is your face like that because of some kind of birth defect, or are you really that befuddled all the time?"

Katherine: "That's a really great question. Um... (becomes distracted by the boom-mic) Oh, Simon, you're so big... What were we talking about again?"

J-Lo Smiles Through Her Tears

Jennifer Lopez at Univision's Premio lo Nuestro Awards. So she's embracing her ethnic roots again. Please - who is J-Lo kidding? She's white. And, if the reception she got at the Berlinale was any indication, her new movie Bordertown sucks. Damn Krauts booed the living hell out of it. Then again, these are Germans we're talking about. They worship Hasselhoff over there, so, maybe being hated by them isn't such a bad thing.

Diaz And Barrymore - Partners In Semi-Interestingness

Cam Diaz and Drew Barrymore have two-thirds of a Charlie's Angels reunion at LAX. See Britney, not everyone flies into a rage at the sight of paparazzi. Drew seems to enjoy them. And Cameron - damn, from that angle, in that light, she almost looks cute. I guess it's true what they say about the sun shining on a dog's ass.

Yup, Naomi's Knocked Up

Naomi Watts appears in Miami for the presentation of the David Yurman National Foundation for the Advancement of the Arts Award in Visual Arts. She definitely looks pregnant. Looks like water in the glass too, so no controversies, 'kay guys?

Dang - I am so bored now. Where's that brick so I can smack myself in the face?

Janet Jackson, Still Causing Nightmares

Janet Jackson at the Ebony Pre-Oscar party. All right, I'm officially haunted again. Not by her great beauty but by her scariness. Honestly, someone needs to make a law against Jacksons being seen in public. They're all frightening. It doesn't matter how hard they try - they just can't help it anymore. Janet, she's got those manic-yet-vacant eyes, like a serial killer. Seriously, I haven't been this terrified since I was a kid, and my dreams were haunted by a clown named Mr. Pickles. He used to sneak into my room and do horrible things to me with a giant pickle. Of course, later on I discovered that my "dreams" were actually real, that "Mr. Pickles" was really my uncle Bernie, and that the pickle wasn't no pickle...

Mischa On The Prowl

Mischa Barton, stylin' in leopard. I totally have a sofa-cover like those. It's all crusty and full of cigarette burns - same as Mischa's pants.

Judge Places Anna Nicole's Remains In Hands Of Dannielynn's Guardian

That stupid bastard Seidlin started crying. All the times Crabbie's gotten hauled into court, the fricking judge has never cried once...

In A Nightmarish Future...

Anna Nicole Hearing: Day 3

"Okay. First you mash up the avocado by hand, then you mix the onions, jalapeno, tomato and lime juice together in a food processor. Then you mix it with the avocado, and some sugar and sour cream. Mix it up real good. Then, and this is very important, you have to put the avocado pit into the bowl with the guacamole, otherwise it turns brown. Yes, I'm serious, it works..."

"If one more person says I look like Paul Reiser, I'm going to kill them like I killed Anna Nicole. Oh, shit. Was that out-loud?"

"So I saw this big juicy pimple on her back, and I said to her, 'Let me squeeze that pimple on your back.' So she sits down, and I'm squeezing the pimple, and the pus just squirts out of the damn thing, right in my eye. I swear to God it was the most disgusting thing..."

"Woah man. It's like, my hands are magnetically repellant. Like, even if I try pushing them together, I can't do it. Shit man, my hands will never touch each other again. How am I gonna clap dude? I'll have to slap myself on the knee like that guy with one arm. Woah, that guy was trippy man. He had these awesome mushrooms. Like, we went down into this box canyon, and it was like being inside a living thing. Like the rock was flesh. And then the one-armed guy turned into Jesus and I was like, 'Woah man, you're totally Jesus,' and he was like, 'I know. Groovy, huh?'"

Somebody Buy Orlando A Comb

Orlando Bloom, Leo DiCaprio and Penelope Cruz pose together at the Global Green USA pre-Oscar benefit for global warming. Bloom pays tribute to nature by impersonating a cactus.

So we've got two Oscar nominees here and...Orlando Bloom. Well, at least he has his youth, and his looks, and eventually he may learn how to fix his hair. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to win any Oscars though. Guy's about as dynamic as roadkill. Seriously, I've seen squashed raccoons that had more personality. "Hey, scrape that critter up and sign him. Boy's got something."

By the way - two of the three people in this picture like having sex with women. And Orlando isn't one of them.

Britney Attacks Photographers

Update: All right, there was video here earlier of Britney attacking some photographers, but it isn't working, apparently because X17 had LiveLeak take it down. So you have to go to X17 to see the pics and video of Britney attacking the photographers. But X17 is getting swamped, so the links don't always work to that either. I don't know what to tell you. You can't see much in the video anyway: There's this SUV parked at a gas station, and some lame-o screams, "Please God, don't do this!" and you hear somebody whacking the SUV and screaming, "Fuck you," and then bald Britney in these white shorts walks back to her car, carrying an umbrella, and gets in the passenger's side and it drives off. Then they show the SUV with a cracked window and all these dings in it, and one of the photogs lifts his shirt up and there's a welt across his back where Britney apparently struck him with the umbrella. I think someone may have a legitimate assault case against Britney. Anyway, I can't see this behavior helping her child custody issues.

Update: Well, it's up on YouTube. Probably not for long:

"Please guys, don't do this," I guess is what the person says. That's slightly less hysterical than "Please God, don't do this." Too bad there's no video of her actually hitting the car or the photographer.

Lohan Blows Off Altman Memorial

Remember when Lindsay Lohan sent that crazed letter of condolence to the family of dead director Robert Altman? Seemed then that Lindsay thought the world of Altman - she even went so far as to call him a father figure. But, that was several months ago, an eternity to the capricious Lindsay. By now she's probably forgotten that Altman even existed - she certainly didn't bother remembering the memorial service held for him Tuesday, because she wasn't there. No, she had better things to do than turn out for the man who gave her probably the best role she's had in her young career - like partying with Steve-O.

Another dirtbag move by Lindsay Lohan. But, look at the bright side - if she had shown up for the memorial, she probably would've just made some kind of scene, started weeping or something, just to get all the attention focused on her. Actually, I think the people who were there - Lily Tomlin, Julianne Moore, Kevin Kline and Tim Robbins among others - were probably relieved when Lindsay didn't show up. At this point I think people are just scared of her. They're worried she's going to glom onto them in stalker-fashion like she did to Al Gore. I mean, if you're Tim Robbins, the last thing in the world you need is some crazy little skank misinterpreting a friendly gesture of yours as some kind of overture. Then again, if you're Tim Robbins, maybe that's exactly what you want to happen. I mean, Susan Sarandon - how old is that Commie now? Ninety? Can't be pleasant having to see that every night. Course, Lindsay's not in much better shape herself these days. As a matter of fact, Sarandon might look young and tight by comparison. No, I take it back - Robbins should stick with that Socialist agitator Sarandon. And Lindsay should stick with Steve-O - that guy's perfect for her. No grasp of the social graces and an apparently unrestrained libido. And Steve-O's not exactly Mr. Inhibition himself.

Sienna Suns Her Nippies

Sienna Miller makes monkey-faces at new squeeze Jamie Burke while catching some rays on a Mexican beach. Sorry about the censorship, but honestly, if you're that disappointed about not getting to see Sienna's nipples - get a fricking life.

Federline Daddies Up

Britney Spears' seemingly unending tumble into oblivion has turned into a positive-publicity bonanza for at least one person - Kevin Federline. Once dismissed as a leech, Federline has seen his public image rise in proportion with Britney's decline - it's gotten to the point now where many former Britney supporters have shifted their allegiance to Federline, and are openly calling for him to get custody of their two kids, Jayden James and Sean Preston. And Federline himself seems more-than-eager to bring that result about, even going so far as to call for an emergency custody hearing today before an L.A. judge (a hearing that, according to TMZ, will not be happening after Britney's sudden return to rehab).

And then there's all the gushing news about Federline's daddying-up during Britney's recent difficulties. According to US Weekly, Federline has formed a baby-watching alliance with Britney's mother Lynne, and has brought his own mother Julie Bleak in to help. In the words of a Spears family friend, "Britney's family feels that Kevin has been a blessing and they are very impressed with Kevin taking so much responsibility."

Taking so much responsibility? Um, aren't they his kids? Isn't that what he's supposed to do? This is getting a little bit sickening to me, all this pro-Federline shit. Like, all of a sudden he's Daddy of the Year material? All right, so I'll give you this - Federline is clearly more grown-up and able to take care of his shit than Britney. But, sorry, that ain't saying much. And all this stuff about Federline being in league with Lynne Spears to take care of the kids - Lynne Spears? She's the reason Britney's in the wretched state she's in to begin with. Unless her child-rearing skills have improved dramatically since Britney was a youngun, I'd say she's about the last person you would want having anything to do with poor little SP and JJ. No, I'm sorry, but this situation is just crappy all around. Even if Federline turns out to be SuperDaddy, those kids are going to be pretty messed-up, and whose fault is it going to be? In the end you will have to blame it on Lynne and Jamie, Britney's parents. Cause they were the ones who shoved her into the spotlight in the first place, looking to live vicariously through her, and more importantly, make lots of money off her. They were the ones who essentially took away her childhood, retarding her emotional growth to the point where - well, we've all seen the sorry state Britney has come to. The lesson here is simple - don't push your kids into show-biz. There are plenty of adults who can't handle the spotlight very well - imagine trying to deal with it while still going through adolescence, which is enough of a bitch on its own? Sadly, Britney's downfall was inevitable. She never had the support-system. The only chance for her now is to completely rebel against it, tell her dumb-ass parents to go jump in a river, and try to find herself. But, I'm afraid that's not going to happen. The people who make a living off her are going to patch her up the best they can and throw her out there again, try to squeeze whatever juice is left, then toss the husk in the nearest garbage bin. In fifteen years, if Britney's still with us, there won't be much left. But look on the bright side for Lynne and Jamie - by that time SP and JJ will be old enough to be in their own boy-band.

Britney Returns To Rehab

Britney Spears has checked herself back into rehab, TMZ reports. No, this is not an accidental repeat of the post from two days ago - she has actually checked herself back into rehab again, again.

Okay, so - anything else going on in the world? Let's see...[rustling newspaper sounds] Hmm, Dick Cheney says Democrats who criticize the troop surge are validating Al-Qaeda's strategy. Well, at least someone has a strategy, eh Dick? God, why couldn't that man just choke on a sausage and...

What's that? You say she's still in rehab? Okay...

Breaking News: Britney Still In Rehab

It's been about fifteen minutes since I clicked on TMZ and saw that Britney Spears was back in rehab, and reportedly, Britney is still in rehab. I repeat, pop-star Britney Spears is still in rehab - as far as we know...

Gaaaaaaaa!

Sienna Has A New Man

Slaggy Sienna Miller has got herself a new man - well-known lady-killer and current Calvin Klein model Jamie Burke. So is it a serious relationship? Who knows. They certainly seem into each other in the above picture, taken Monday while the two were vacationing at a secluded Mexican beach. Of course, we thought Sienna was into Sean Combs not long ago too. And old Jamie's had himself quite a string of recent lovers as well - Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love (Courtney Love?).

Damn, Sienna's actually a major upgrade over the stuff Jamie's been rolling around with lately. I mean, at least she has her original face and body parts. And if she's any kind of a cokehead at least she hasn't been fool enough to be caught doing it on film like Kate. But I don't know - Jamie Burke? I don't actually know anything about this guy, other than that he likes sucking face with Sienna Miller on a beach while holding a guitar (oh, whip out your guitar and any lady can be yours). I was hoping Sienna would hook up with someone a little more well-known, so we could get some juicy dirt out of it. George Clooney maybe. Or Colin Farrell. You know, someone people actually care about.

Oh well, I guess the important thing is that Sienna's happy. And that, when he sees the pictures, Jude Law is going to rip what remains of his hair out in a fit of jealousy. Damn, wish I could see that.

Report: Britney Tried Suicide Twice Over Weekend

Just how bad did it get for Britney Spears over the weekend? Bad enough that, according to the Enquirer, the unhinged pop-star actually attempted suicide not once but twice.

Sources have told the Enquirer that, within hours of shaving her head, Britney tried killing herself by walking into traffic, but was rescued by a member of her staff. Then, a short time later, she was taken to the hospital after ingesting too many Xanax.

And what exactly caused Britney to go off the deep end? A meeting with the father of her children, Kevin Federline, was the direct catalyst. According to the source, Federline warned Britney that if she failed a drug test she would lose custody of the kids. Other reports have said that Britney shaved her head precisely because Federline told her hair could be used to determine what drugs she might have recently taken. Whatever the cause, Britney's weekend quickly spiraled into chaos, and even suicidal madness.

Paris Smoking A Joint

The above grainy image purports to show Paris Hilton using the wacky tobacky while riding in a car. We know it's actually Paris because the person who took the picture says so. So now what? Am I supposed to make a joke about how Paris smoking a joint isn't exactly the most startling thing in the world? See, I don't like stories like this, because they put me in the position of actually sympathizing with Paris, a person who is otherwise completely revolting. Let Paris smoke her dope in peace, I guess is what I'm saying. I mean, if you were Paris Hilton, how the hell else would you be able to live with yourself? You'd have to be stoned all the time. You would have no choice.

Britney Hires A Lawyer

Just about the first thing Britney Spears did after leaving rehab this morning was head to the office of lawyer Blair Berk, a woman known for going after over-aggressive paparazzi (Reese Witherspoon was a previous client). Could Britney be trying to nail the people responsible for taking pictures of her while in the Promises facility? Or could Britney be attempting to make some kind of case against the paparazzi for causing her emotional stress in general? This would seem like a flimsy claim, given the fact that, reportedly, the people at the hair-salon where Britney famously shaved her head initially closed the blinds for her, but Britney's bodyguard opened them again, presumably at Britney's behest. Because Britney wanted pictures taken of her shaving her head. Why? So the world could pity poor little Britney? Typical celeb - using the media to serve her purposes, then complaining when the media become too invasive. Of course, we're jumping to conclusions by saying Britney intends suing the paparazzi. Maybe she just went to say hello to Blair Berk. You know, cause she just likes dropping in on lawyers from time-to-time.

(By the way - Britney already has a high-powered divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, so it's unlikely that her visit to Berk had anything to do with that.)

A Couple Of Heroes

Hayden Panettiere and Masi Oka attend the G.M. Fashion and Car Show in L.A. What the hell has Masi so astonished? The guy has a 180 I.Q. (allegedly) so I know he's not just staring at shiny objects. And what's with his tie being all loosened up? Has Hiro hit the sauce? Oh, and Hayden - do you think you could can the Lindsay-style peace-sign? You ain't no Lindsay hon. You ain't even a Michelle Trachtenberg yet. Damn, I wonder how big a woody Oka has there. "Hey baby, I'll erase your brain for you. And I ain't even Haitian." (You have to watch Heroes to get that one).

Perez Sued - Again

Perez Hilton, well-known gossip-blogger and all-around doofus, is in legal trouble again. The lawsuit this time stems from Perez's alleged theft of a topless photo of Jennifer Aniston taken during the production of her hit film The Break-Up. The complainant, Universal Studios, seeks an injunction barring further distribution of the image, and demands that the stolen property be seized. There is no word yet as to what monetary damages Universal might be seeking, and Perez himself has yet to reply to the suit, saying his lawyers need to review it first.

This is worse than the other lawsuits brought against Perez recently, like when X17 got after him for copying their pictures and using them on his blog (which almost all of us do). This suit says that Perez was involved in physically acquiring a copy of the Aniston picture, which was literally stolen. According to the legal documents posted on The Smoking Gun, Perez was sent an E-mail ordering him to take down the Aniston picture, an order he ignored "in willful, wanton and brazen infringement of [the] Plaintiff's copyrights." That doesn't sound good. I for one feel bad for Perez - but then again, he wanted to be the king shit of turd mountain in the blogging world, and now he is, so people are going to come after him. I hope all this doesn't end up with poor little Perezers in jail. Of course, if that were to happen, I would gladly welcome his former readers to my own little blog. I wouldn't mind hitting that three-million-a-day mark now and again.

Good luck, Perez. And don't let the bastards get you down.

Angelina Is Losing It Too

Britney Spears isn't the only famous odd-ball going through a crisis right now - movie star/savior of humanity Angelina Jolie is also having her troubles (albeit somewhat less publicly). The problems for Jolie stem partly from the recent death of her mother, Marcheline Bertrand, and partly from her and Brad Pitt's move to New Orleans, which has left her without a support system. According to one of Jolie's pals, the actress has been steadily losing weight since her mother's death, and is down to 109 pounds. She has been trying to remedy her loneliness by flying her L.A. friends into New Orleans, but it doesn't appear to be working.

Well, it's pretty obvious what the problem is for Jolie - she's been in civilization too long (if you wanna call New Orleans civilization). What Angelina needs is a nice trip to some backwater nation full of refugees and amputee orphans and other people for her to bestow her charity upon. New Orleans may be messed-up, but it's still the United States - there are plenty of organizations and things operating down there, and people are able to get their stuff together without any help from movie stars. So, Angelina just feels superfluous down there. Either that or she's just a crazy broad who was inevitably going to start losing it, no matter what sort of lifestyle she chose for herself. Maybe, what Angelina really needs is a completely new persona - something 180-degrees removed from the Mother Teresa act she's been putting on for so long. A return to her old daughter-of-Satan routine might be good for her. You know, get away from the stress of trying to save the world, engage in a little relaxing cattle mutilation, maybe stage a black-mass. I'm sure her brother would be up for it - cause we know he's up for almost anything.

Paris Goes Shopping

"Oh yeah, I told her. I said, like, Britney, you better slow down hon, but she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't listen to anybody. She's like out of control man...hey, look. A penny!"

"Hmm, I don't know. I just don't look good in black. I wonder if Britney would mind me wearing pink to her funeral..."

"Ha, I look like Nicole. I wonder if Brody Jenner will try to use me to advance his career now. Nah, he only likes fatties - like Nicole."

Britney Spears Leaves Rehab - Yes, Again

For a second it looked like Britney was through entertaining/mortifying us with her antics. For a fleeting moment, it actually looked like she was going to get herself together. But, once again, Britney has done a 180 and walked out of rehab. Yes kids, for the second time in the space of a week, Britney has left a treatment facility less than 24 hours after entering. Like a wild animal, Britney can't handle being penned up. And apparently, given that she had gone into rehab at the urging of her family, she doesn't care that much about the concern the people in her life are showing for her.

By the way, it's also being reported that Britney tried to get tattooed again shortly after leaving the Promises treatment center. What exact therapeutic value do tattoo aficionados think they derive from having fat, hepatitis-ridden dudes etch silly pictures into their skin? Is it the pain, some kind of endorphin release? Or have these people been snookered by tattoo propaganda the same way that pill-poppers are hoodwinked by pharmaceutical companies? Get a tattoo, feel better about yourself. Yeah, tattoo-culture is so rebellious. It's not a huge industry in this country or anything. It's amazing to me how silly and naive the allegedly hip can be.

Naomi Watts Is Preggers

Australian actress Naomi Watts (who I'm legally obligated to describe as a "beauty") has gotten knocked up by her stunningly wooden and uptight-looking non-husband Liev Schreiber. US Weekly takes a break from cataloguing the downfall of Britney Spears (about whom, more in a moment) to report that the couple were seen dining at New York's Pastis restaurant on February 18, and that Naomi looked "visibly pregnant." Excited now?

By the way, we're sort of jumping to conclusions when we report that she was knocked up by Schreiber. We don't have any proof of that. I mean, there's no video, and so far no one has ordered a DNA test. But, since they're together, we just assumed...oh fuck it, Britney's out of rehab again! I shit you not!

Mills Gets A Kick Out Of Dancing With The Stars

The line-up for the next Dancing With the Stars has been announced. Somehow I managed to miss all the previous installments of the program. I meant to watch when that little bow-tie-wearing sissy Tucker Carlson was on too, but it slipped my mind for some reason. Anyway, here are the "luminaries" scheduled to appear:

Heather Mills - Yup, it's official - the boil on Paul McCartney's ass is going to be stumping her way through the competition. Oh, how heroic of Heather. What a positive role model she is to other people with disabilities. And people whose dream is to one day smear the good name of a musical icon and become utterly reviled for it.

Billy Ray Cyrus - Don't tell my Achy, Breaky Heart that Billy Ray Cyrus is actually going to be on television. Don't tell my stomach either. Or my bowels.

Leeza Gibbons - Well, look at the bright-side - it could've been Nancy O'Dell.

Joey Fatone - The fat, ugly member of N'Sync everyone made fun of. The other day I went to Wendy's for a bacon cheeseburger and I swear I saw a guy working the counter who looked just like Joey...

Laili Ali - Muhammed Ali's butch boxer daughter. Maybe she'll punch-out Billy Ray Cyrus. That I wouldn't mind seeing.

Vincent Pastore - The guy who played Big Pussy on The Sopranos. This is what happens when you get bumped off on that show - you wind up on Dancing With the Stars. Of course, the show is winding down now, which means most of the cast will be on shows like this next year. I can't wait until Bobby Bacala appears on Celebrity Fit Club.

Apolo Anton Ohno - The speed-skater guy? I guess Bode Miller was too drunk.

Paulina Porizkova - The chick who was once married to that ugly, skinny guy from The Cars, right? Or maybe they're still married. Or maybe it was some other model from a former Eastern Bloc nation. Maybe it wasn't the guy from The Cars. Ah Christ, who cares?

Clyde Drexler - A basketball player, apparently. What, no Rick Fox? Too bad - I wouldn't mind looking at him for a couple of nights.

Ian Ziering - Ha ha, Steve from Beverly Hills 90210. The last time I saw this doof he was lampooning his own loserness in that shitty Keira Knightley movie Domino. I guess he brings the Mario Lopez factor to the new season. You know, a former teeny-bopper icon who is now lurching uncomfortably toward middle-age.

Shandi Finnessey - Miss USA 2004. What, no Tara Conner? I guess they were afraid Tara would get all coked up and start ripping her clothes off. Then Trump would have to come out and forgive her again. And no one wants that.

Anna Nicole News - With Monkeys!

Yesterday was all full of news about Anna Nicole Smith. Now, in my capacity as a pseudo-journalist, I have an obligation to report on this stuff - even if it is the most boring load of bullshit in the history of the world. I mean, here's the story as it should be told: Anna Nicole Smith was a druggie, she died, some sleazy people are fighting over her body, money, kid, etc., THE END. But that's not good enough. Ugh - all right, let me just get this over with...

Anna Nicole News Rundown:

Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead appeared in court yesterday, along with Anna Nicole's mother Virgie. What the hell kind of name is Virgie? Sounds like a cute word for some kind of food product. Have a Virgie...


Boring!

Judge Larry Seidlin made Howard K. Stern spell Dannielynn's name, apparently trying to make a fool of him. Okay Howard. Now spell "douchebag." D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G. Ding, ding! You move on to the lightning round!


Still boring!

Larry Birkhead's lawyer Deb Opri accused Howard K. Stern of killing Anna Nicole.


Holy shit. Can she do that? What a bitch.

Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole was "his whole world." Sort of a pitiful world there, Howard. Not really a planet, more like an asteroid. And you were an astronaut then I guess, exploring Anna Nicole? Do any spelunking Howard? Oh, I bet you did. And yodeling too - quite an echo in there. Carlsbad Caverns.


Yes, hilarious.

Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole wanted to be buried near Marilyn Monroe. Spokespeople for Monroe said Marilyn is sick of her name coming up in the Anna Nicole story, and could people please compare Anna Nicole to someone else for awhile, Mamie Van Doren perhaps?


Leave Marilyn alone!

Howard K. Stern told the court that Anna Nicole was inordinately worried about bugs getting into her coffin after she died, and that she talked repeatedly about where she and Daniel would be buried.


Don't know what to say about that. Little sick...

Howard K. Stern's DNA was subpoenaed. Spokespeople for Howard K. Stern's DNA said blah blah blah blah blahbittity blah...



Howard K. Stern said he didn't want to marry Anna Nicole because then people would've called him a gold-digger. So he killed her and now people call him a murderer.


We're rolling now...

Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole was upset her mom Virgie said she and Howard were responsible for Daniel's death. Ooh, and the medical examiner said Anna Nicole's body was deteriorating faster than usual and could everyone please speed it up because he was running out of those little pine-tree air fresheners...


Judge Seidlin allowed Howard K. Stern to return to the Bahamas for the night. Can I go to the Bahamas judge Seidlin?


Yay Bahamas!

Update: Brody Jenner Is A Dickhead (But Denies It)

Who the hell is Brody Jenner? Some doofus who was on a reality show and did some modeling. Oh, and he was also once known for shagging Nicole Richie (as if that were some kind of accomplishment). And now Brody is going to be famous for something else - being a world-class dickhead. I mean Jared Leto-sized. Damn, that's a big dickhead. What the hell could the guy have done to deserve such scorn, Crabbie? Did he reject your half-drunken amorous advances at a party or something? No. It was nothing he did to me. It was what he tried to do to Nicole Richie - a devious scheme that has now been revealed by Details magazine, which has an extensive profile of Mr. Jenner in its current issue, along with lots of sexy pictures I'd assume.

The scheme was devised for one reason - to get Brody Jenner more pub. And, revoltingly enough, it involved taking advantage of Ms. Richie's obvious eating issues. According to Details, the plot was hatched by Jenner's handler, Spencer Pratt. Here is an account of Pratt proposing the nefarious machination:

Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you're gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that shit, bro. You'll be, like, a fucking hero to America.

Yes, a human being actually said those words. Or a being who, at least from a scientific point-of-view, is allegedly human. Of course the whole thing makes no sense on the face of it. Because why would getting Nicole Richie to eat make Brody a hero? Nicole scarfs a sub (okay, half a sub) and Brody takes credit for it, and the whole nation raises its voice in approbation? Who is this Spencer Pratt and what is he smoking? And how can I get some?

Spencer Pratt - fly-ridden pile of shit. And what about Brody Jenner? He's not much better, I'd say. A pile of shit but maybe without the flies. Of course, this is Nicole Richie we're talking about - maybe she wanted to be used like a piece of toilet paper and thrown away. Girl is obviously a bit lacking in the self-esteem department. Still, that doesn't excuse Jenner. What a conniving little dick. And listen to some of the other bullshit he slings in the Details article, about how phony Hollywood is:

This whole scene, this whole town – it's so fake. It's like a movie set, like my life is a movie set. These people, they all think it's real, but it's not.

This from a man who admits to using another human being as a means of advancing his own career - in the very town he calls fake! Jesus, Brody Jenner may be more than a dick - he may be psychotic. Even worse, he may be Lindsay Lohan-like. Damn man, listen to your own words. And lay off the Laguna Beach babes. Kristin Cavallari is only hot if you can't get your hands on Jessica Biel (and don't get any ideas about Jessica; Justin's got his eye on her, or at least he did have - oh Jesus, I think my head is going to explode).

Update: Brody Jenner is apparently smart enough to realize when someone has made him look like a major jerk. And he has enough shame to be bothered when this happens. Here's what Jenner had to say about the Details magazine article characterizing him as a scheming shit:

I have broad shoulders and can handle what is written about me personally but when I am misquoted or mischaracterized as exhibiting a disrespectful attitude towards someone I care about, I feel I need to clarify the situation. I genuinely love Nicole... I would never say or do anything hurtful to those I love and respect. I'm sorry it was represented that way.

You'll notice that nowhere in that statement does Jenner directly address the things his manager Spencer Pratt allegedly said. He merely says he's sorry "it was represented that way." What other way did you want anyone to represent it, Brody? As a joke? Oh, by the way, Brody Jenner's mother Linda Thompson has come out in his defense. Here's what she had to say:

[Brody] has always been fond of [Nicole]. He dated her because he really likes her. He doesn't have to date anyone for any other reason than he really likes them.

Hmm, does that sound like anyone we know? Dina Lohan maybe? Another delusional parent of a spoiled Hollywood twit. Face it, Linda - your son is a creep. And so are you. And if I were Nicole Richie I'd never speak to the bastard again. Of course, Nicole is so pitiful, she'd probably have sex with him again in a heartbeat. She may in fact be having sex with him right now. Either that or she's got her head between Mischa Barton's legs.

Britney In Rehab

The first pictures of bald Britney in rehab are coming in. That was fast. It's almost like the paparazzi have no sense of human decency.

By the way - Britney's best look in weeks. Maybe rehab will be good for her.

Carrey Visits TRL

MTV's show TRL is apparently still on the air, and Hollywood people apparently still think there's some point in going on there. Jim Carrey sure does - of course, Carrey's about as in touch with reality as Anna Nicole was. Here we see him doing some wacky stuff with all the kids huddled about him. Jim Carrey - the idiots' guru.

I wonder if those kids even know who he is.

Federline Worried About Britney

Kevin Federline might be a good egg after all. Sources told People that the would-be pro-wrestler cancelled a big weekend he had planned in Vegas because he wanted to be available to Jayden James and Sean Preston during their mom Britney's period of difficulty. "Kevin is concerned for Britney and his children," a friend of Federline's said. "Of course he's concerned about her. He loves her. He's always loved her – even after she started divorce proceedings."

Aw, ain't that sweet - Kevin loves Britney. Of course, this story sort of contradicts something Crabbie reported earlier - that Federline was basically rooting for Britney to melt down, because it would help him in his custody battle. Maybe Federline got wind of that New York Daily News story about his rather cold-hearted conniving and decided to leak a counter-report, lest he come off like a completely calculating turdbag. What am I saying - Federline isn't clever enough for that. Probably, Federline is just chillin' at the crib while all his friends keep saying this crap. In fact, if you informed Federline about any of it, he'd probably be shocked. "I have friends?" he'd probably say. And then he'd ask if you wanted your lawn mowed, or your gutters cleaned out, or any other work done around the house, or maybe your car washed.

Penelope In Her Gym Stuff

She's practicing her Oscar speech (for when she doesn't win Best Actress):

"First I'd like to thank Pedro Almodovar for making such a wonderful movie. If it weren't for Pedro, I would not be here right now. I would also like to thank Pedro Almodovar, without whom I would be nothing more than a second-rate actress with a fabulous rack. And I would also like to thank my rack for being so fabulous. And lastly, I want to thank Pedro Almodovar for being the greatest gay director in the world, except for Ron Howard. Oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to say that. Oh well, sorry Ron. But hey, at least now you won't have to lie about your affair with the Fonz anymore..."

Oscar Prep

A worker sprays an Oscar statue in preparation for Sunday night's awards ceremony. A similar process will be used to get Joan Rivers ready for the red carpet.

Nicole And Mischa - Is It Love?

Gosh, Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton sure are chummy. Are we sure there isn't something more than friendship going on? I for one would be thrilled to hear that these girls were having a romance - not for any sick drooling male hetero reason, like I want to see video of them giving each other baths and shit, but just because I think it would be cool for there to be an out-in-the-open lesbian thing between two high-profile celebutards. Let's face it - there aren't any really juicy lesbo relationships. Rosie O'Donnell and her babe doesn't do it for me, because it involves Rosie O'Donnell, and Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres - sorry, too boring (Anne Heche and Ellen Degeneres at least had Anne Heche, one of my all-time favorite Hollywood nutcases). And of course there's Anne Hathaway and whoever she's shacking up with (Heather Matarazzo seems the prime candidate). But that's all behind closed doors. Cause Anne doesn't have the nerve to just admit she's a flaming dyke.

Federline Jockeying For Position In Baby Fight

Kevin Federline has a strategy for getting custody of his two kids with Britney Spears - just lay low and let the crazy bitch blow it for herself.

"He is just waiting for her to get worse," a friend of Federline's told the New York Daily News. "She is only hurting herself right now."

She's only hurting herself right now - understatement of the year, buddy.

Of course, Hollywood is a pretty weird place. Clubbing every night of the week and mysteriously shaving one's head might make waves in Tulsa, but on the left coast, such behaviors are not quite so extreme, and ultimately may not play much into the court's decision as to who gets custody of Jayden James and Sean Preston. What matters, according to attorney Nathan Goldberg, is the face-to-face time with evaluators:

"The custody evaluator will want to observe each of them interacting with the children to see how they behave with the children and how the children relate to them."

So, if the kids get a load of their bald mommy and run screaming into Federline's arms - that's game-over, I guess.

Breaking News: Britney In Rehab (Again)

Britney Spears is like a yo-yo. She's in rehab, then she's out of rehab - now she's in rehab again, at least according to TMZ (which, yes, kills kittens). Britney's latest foray into the world of substance abuse treatment, at an in-patient facility in L.A., reportedly comes after increased pressure from her mother Lynn and other family members to clean up her act. Crabbie reported earlier this morning on a Daily Mail story which said Lynn had threatened to take Britney's kids away last week, prompting her famously truncated stay at Crossroads in Antigua. Presumably, this time Britney is in for real - although, as flighty as she's been lately, it wouldn't surprise me if she checked out again by sometime this evening, and was found on a beach somewhere trying to make contact with aliens via coathanger-antenna.

Update: Here's the official statement from Britney's manager Larry Rudolph:

Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility today. We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time.

As far as I know, that is the actual wording of the statement. "We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time." I think Larry meant "her privacy as well as that of her family and friends." Well, it's a stressful time for Larry - he just screwed up. Either that or he's an illiterate buffoon.

Michael Jackson Murders Old Ladies

Michael Jackson is being sued by the family of an old woman who died hours after being removed from her hospital bed to make way for the pop-freak, who was on trial for child molestation at the time, and had developed abdominal pains. According to the suit, filed by the children of the late Manuela Gomez Ruiz, the star-struck staff of Marian Medical Center in Santa Maria, CA treated Ms. Gomez "like cargo" and roughly removed her from her hospital room when Jackson arrived, demanding two beds (one was for his invisible friend?). Ms. Ruiz died later that night, and now the family is accusing Jackson and the hospital of negligence, inflicting emotional distress, elder abuse, false imprisonment and conspiracy (don't ask me to explain the last two cause I don't know).

Here's the thing with Michael Jackson - he has now become such a negative force in the universe that even when he's just trying to get some hospital care, he ends up unwittingly murdering people. I personally wouldn't want to be within fifty miles of this guy, for fear that I might suffer a sudden, inexplicable embolism, or be struck in the head by falling space debris, or attacked by a flock of crazed pigeons. The best thing Michael could do for his fellow humans now is just disappear...what am I saying? Fellow humans? Jackson isn't human anymore. I don't know what he is. Some kind of bizarre hybrid of Diana Ross and one of those mummies they sometimes dig up out of peat bogs. All I know is that, if I'm in the hospital, and Michael Jackson shows up with a tummy ache, I'm grabbing hold of that god damn bed and they're going to have to slice the tendons in my fingers to get me out. I ain't dying just so Wacko Jacko can rest comfortably while the doctors examine him, only to determine that what he needs is a swig of Maalox and to lay off sucking prepubescent dick for a couple of days.

Move Over Peaches - Here Comes Pixie

Peaches Geldof isn't the only spawn of rock promoter/humanitarian Bob who knows how to cut loose - she also has a little sister, Pixie, who is already as wild as she is.

15-year-old Pixie showed off her precocious partying skills over the weekend by swilling booze at London nightspot Paper. However, when the managers found out she was underage, they asked her to leave - and that was when Pixie demonstrated another skill she's picked up from big-sis Peaches, the ability to act like a complete spoiled imbecile. Reportedly, upon being informed that she had to vacate the premises, Pixie pitched a fit. So stubborn was the youngest Geldof lass in her resolve to remain at the party, thrown by Rod Stewart's daughter Kimberly, that bouncers had to pick her up and carry her out. After depositing her outside the club, Pixie began screaming that the people responsible for her ejection would never be allowed into one of her father's concerts again. This apparently impressed no one - in fact, the main reaction to Pixie's behavior was amusement:

"Pixie wasn't at all happy and was doing everything she could to stay," says a source. "She was pulling all of the strings but nobody was listening. ... In the end, people were laughing at her. She was behaving ridiculously - it was quite hilarious. ... She was certainly receiving all of the attention she wanted - she was behaving exactly like her sister Peaches."

Don't worry about it Pixie - they may laugh at you now, but deep down, they all envy you. They all wish they could be the children of irrelevant music figures like Bob Geldof too. They wish they'd grown up without any kind of parental supervision and been allowed to party and carry on when they were 15. Just keep doing what you're doing Pixie - you're going to be a star, girl.

Anna Nicole Case

Howard K. Stern arrives in court in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Some b.s. is being worked out there over what will happen to Anna Nicole's body. Anna Nicole is lucky in that she no longer has to be bothered with this crap.

Speaking of Anna Nicole. Um, the video of her bombed out of her mind, while pregnant, and made-up like a crackhead clown:

Yeah - that image is now burned into my mind forever. I think it pretty much sums up Anna Nicole and the whole damn mess. And oh, by the way Anna Nicole - John Wayne Gacy just called. He thinks you're hot, and would like to invite you over for a tea-party in his crawl-space.

More Britney Craziness

Britney Spears got on the crazy train awhile ago, and there's no indication that she has any desire to get off. In fact, the train may actually be speeding up.

On Saturday afternoon, Britney added more fuel to the inferno of speculation already raging over her mental state. Speaking to the Daily Mail, a source reports that Britney, a blue wig covering her baldness, entered the Mondrian Hotel on Sunset Boulevard Saturday at around one PM. She attempted booking a room for herself, but had no money or credit cards, only a scrap of paper with a partial credit card number printed on it. Britney is said to have been, "crying and apparently intoxicated," and saying over and over, "Nobody wants me anymore." She was so pathetic that, reportedly, a pair of kindly tourists took pity on her and invited her to their room. Britney then decided to take a dip in the pool, but had no bathing suit, so the tourists took her to the gift shop where she spent time trying on three different suits. Finally satisfied with her bathing attire, Britney then proceeded to the pool - where she began trying to shave her legs. Apparently she was unsuccessful in this attempt (owing to her inebriation, certainly), and finally gave up the pool for a chair at the hotel restaurant Asia of Cuba, where she had herself a bit of a rest. After this, she again attempted to get a room, but the hotel refused, perhaps out of concern that they would soon have their own Anna Nicole situation on their hands. Britney then tried getting a rental car, but alas, found this impossible as she had no I.D. on her person. She finally exited the hotel around 4 p.m., leaving the staff in a state of shock.

This latest round of wackiness comes of course on the heels of Britney's well-publicized public head-shaving-and-tattooing session, which followed a tumultuous week that saw the former pop-star entering rehab for a short time. Thanks again to the Daily Mail, we now know a bit more about the circumstances leading up Britney's apparent meltdown. On Wednesday of last week, Britney's mother Lynn reportedly staged an intervention after discovering her daughter sprawled on the floor, incapacitated, in the middle of the day. Lynn allegedly threatened to take Britney's children away if she didn't get herself into rehab, and Britney concurred, but of course, lasted less than 24 hours in the Crossroads facility in Antigua. This led to a tremendous fight between Lynn and Britney over the phone, after which Britney jetted to L.A., and we all know what happened then.

And then there's this assessment of Britney's bizarre behavior, coming from a friend:

[Britney] feels rejected in her marriage and that her music career is really on the skids. She watched the Grammys recently - not so long ago she would have been up there on stage, now that seems like a distant memory. ... She feels a failure professionally and unloved in her personal life. It's as if she is getting a kick out of doing increasingly erratic things just to see how the public and media react. ... Sadly, she is getting confused by what she sees as adoration, when it's actually her fans reacting in horror.

Crabbie has a few observations: 1) Britney's behavior at the hotel, trying to check in without a credit card, and accepting the kindness of those two tourists - it sounds to me like Britney is utterly incapable of taking care of herself. Without her handlers to make arrangements, she can't even check herself into a hotel or rent a car. 2) Lynn Spears is a day late and a dollar short. 3) How much does Britney really care about her kids, if she would react the way she did to Lynn's ultimatum? She didn't even make it a day in rehab? Sounds to me like Britney wants her kids taken away, maybe because she can't handle the burden. The postpartum depression theory is starting to gain some credibility, in my opinion. 4) I don't see, after all this, how Britney can keep the kids if Federline seriously pursues custody. As a matter of fact, I think they'd be better off with Federline. He may be a dipshit, but he seems like a stable dipshit. 5) Is it possible that Federline was the only thing standing between Britney and total meltdown? 6) At least Federline seems to realize that he's a joke, and is just having a good time with it. Britney is deluded the same way Michael Jackson is - she thinks everyone still loves her, when in fact, they're mortified by her. 7) I will never compare Lindsay Lohan to Britney Spears again. Lindsay may be nuts, but she at least seems to have some clue. Spears lost whatever clue she had awhile ago.

Hania Barton In Rehab

Crabbie has some sad news to report - Mischa Barton's crazy little sister Hania has been checked into rehab. Yes, the Barton family got worried about Hania's excessive partying, which apparently led the 19-year-old to become addicted to painkillers. So now everyone's saying, "Gee, isn't it wonderful that the Bartons got out ahead of the problem, and didn't allow Hania to become a complete drugged-out head-case like someone else we know (Britney)." Yeah, maybe...if you believe that Hania would be better off without drugs. I personally am not convinced. I mean, if you're Hania Barton, what the hell else are you going to do with your life? Go to Cal Tech and write papers on quantum entanglement and probability waves? Take up the violin and become a virtuoso? Run for public office? All right, she could probably run for public office, but that other stuff - there's no way. So, you tell me - what is the actual point of sending her to rehab? And why, at this late date, do her parents suddenly feel the need to act like they give a shit about her? It's obvious that they never did before, otherwise she wouldn't have ended up like she is in the first place. The whole rehab thing is such a god damn farce. Bad parents do a shitty job raising their kids, they wind up spoiled little druggies, and the parents try to redeem themselves by suddenly evincing concern, and making the poor little wretches go to treatment. The Bartons ought to be ashamed of themselves. And Hania - listen to Crabbie, baby. Don't let them get to you. When they start trying to pound a bunch of crap into your head about smart choices and healthy habits - don't listen, Hania. Leave your body. Go someplace nice. Imagine how you felt when you were taking your "painkillers." Try to go there again. Don't let the bastards kill your irrepressible druggie nut-bag spirit. We love you Hania. You and Peaches Geldof and Cory Kennedy and all the rest of the quasi-famous fashion-disaster party-chicks. You are the reason Crabbie even bothers getting out of bed in the morning. That and that first wank in the shower...

Britney's Hair Has Its Own Website

The hair-salon people who were trying to sell Britney's shorn locks, Red Bull can and lighter on eBay got dissed by the Internet auction giants (for unspecified reasons according to them). So now they've set up their own website, buybritneyshair.com. Here's their sales pitch:

This is it, the opportunity of a lifetime. You can be the proud owner of Britney Spears' hair, extensions, the Omega clipper used to cut it all off and even the can of Red Bull she was drinking at the time. You also get her blue Bic Lighter and this valuable domain and website to use for publicity purposes. This is the Ultimate Britney Spears Experience! It is a piece of history that can not be duplicated!

Um, actually, it can be duplicated. Cause Britney can easily grow more hair, then go crazy again and shave it all off. Hell, she could do that ten more times and it wouldn't really surprise anyone.

By the way - the person who actually shells out the $1,000,000 the salon-folks are asking? That person is an idiot. Because that hair ain't worth a million bucks. It ain't even worth fifty-grand. I personally wouldn't give you more than a tenner for it. That's how over Britney is.

Oh, and one more thing - here's a picture of stupid-ass Giuliana DePandi interviewing one of the hair-salon bitches. I'll tell you something I'd pay a million for - Giuliana DePandi's scalp.

Poshy Loses Her Cool

Courtesy of TMZ, some video of Poshy getting mad at photographers while dragging her snot-nosed titty-suckers around Disneyland. It's nothing but a big corporate money-vacuum, Poshy. Do your kids a favor - take them to the park next time.

Stallone's Rocky Australia Visit

Sylvester Stallone is in trouble with Australian Customs officials over some prohibited substances found in the actor's luggage after he entered the country on Friday. According to Stallone, the drug - possibly a form of human growth hormone - is "really minor stuff," but the authorities over there obviously don't agree with him. On Monday, Customs proceeded to raid Stallone's luxury hotel room in Sydney, having received a tip saying members of Stallone's entourage were seen throwing things out a window. Stallone's private jet was subsequently searched on the tarmac, forcing Stallone to delay his departure for three hours.

See Sly? Australians are nothing but trouble. You're just damn lucky they only raided your hotel room and detained you at the airport for a couple of hours. Cause they're savages over there. You're seen The Road Warrior right? That's basically how Australia is (I've been told). Crazy guys with spiked mohawks driving the wastelands on motorcycles looking for anti-Semites with cute asses to gang-rape. They didn't take your little bodybuilding, pee pee-shrinking drugs away because they're illegal - they took them away because, over there, that stuff is considered candy-ass, and they were afraid that if anyone saw you with it you'd get laughed at. Those people drink cocktails of kangaroo blood and uranium. And I also have it on good authority that Tina Turner is their queen.

Wiggy Britney

It took Britney Spears all of a day to decide she didn't care for her new Yul Brynner 'do and reach for a wig. A cheap blonde wig. Which doesn't disguise the fact that she's bald, but only draws more attention to it. I'm sort of bummed about this. I mean, I thought Britney's new look had potential - she could've developed a whole new hard-core persona to go with it, and basically just told the world to go fuck itself (which is what she needs to do). But obviously Britney isn't ready for that. All the people who were saying the head-shaving marked a new beginning in Britney's life - well, obviously, she wasn't too thrilled about the new beginning because she almost immediately attempted to go back. Just like when she checked into rehab, then checked out again less than a day later. Girl is confused. She doesn't know who or what she wants to be. It's like she's been made-over so many times that there's no real Britney left, just this endless succession of false images, coming more rapidly all the time.

So what do you think, is that the face of someone who's enjoying their wealth and fame?

Crabbie leaves you with a line from Nietzsche: "The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness."

And a spot of advice for Britney: Just leave it all behind. All of it.

Lindsay's Back! Hallelujah!

The sly little smile says it all kids - Lindsay Lohan is back on the scene. Yup, no more rehab for Lindsay. From now on it's all good times. Without alcohol of course. No, Lindsay has learned her lesson - you don't need booze to have fun. As her mother Dina would say, "She's in a really good space right now." A clean, sober space, where little Lindsay always remembers to put on her underwear, and is never late for work, and will no longer antagonize people by hogging bathrooms in crowded clubs, or gross them out by spitting half-eaten food back onto a tray. Gosh, it's nice to see that face again (especially after looking at Britney and her stupid bald head for two days)...

Tara Hangs At The Pool

"So I'm like, 'Hey man, what's your problem?' and he's like, 'You totally puked on me,' and I'm like, 'I did not you lying sack of shit,' and he's like, 'How did my shirt get all covered in puke then?' and I'm like, 'You must've puked on it yourself,' and he's like, 'You lying bitch, you puked on it,' and I'm like, 'I totally did not, you are such a liar,' and he's like, 'You totally did,' and I'm like, 'Did not,' and he's like, 'You kind of turn me on,' and I'm like, 'Yeah,' and so we did it and, like, he totally lied about me puking on him and don't you think that's sick?"

"One foot in front of the other... That's how we walk without falling on the ground..."

"She did what to her hair? That's so fucked-up..."

Gentlemen, Stop Your Engines

Kelly Clarkson tries to rev the boys up at Daytona Speedway. I haven't seen that many penises go simultaneously limp since the time I witnessed Joan Rivers walking past a bunch of construction workers.

Paula Licked

Paula Abdul gets some puppy-love at a benefit concert for In Defense of Animals. This is the most action Paula's gotten in years.

Britney Needs To Make Lemonade From Her Lemon

Britney Spears went and did a silly thing by shaving her head. An impulsive, wacky thing. Now, Crabbie likes it when people do impulsive, wacky things, because, let's face it, the world would be a pretty boring place if people only ever did the predictable. However, in Britney's case - um, I hate to say it, but that girl has one unattractive cranium. I mean, the bald look works for some people - Sinead O'Conner for example, or G. Gordon Liddy - but, sadly, Britney is not one of those people. Those blonde tresses of hers were her trademark - without them she's like Selleck without the stache, or Paris without the wonky eye. But, what's done is done - that hair ain't going to be back to its former magnificence for awhile. So, in the meantime, what Britney needs is to hopefully make some good come of this. She needs to be creative, and turn her baldness into an asset. And, since Crabbie is all about practical advice, I have come up with a few suggestions for how Britney can do just that:

1. Start a death-metal group. Call it Aryan Spears. Or, if that's a little too hard-core, Britney could always call Michael Stipe and ask him if he needs a vacation. Actually, I could much more easily see Britney in R.E.M. than some crazy death-metal ensemble. Britney's a bit too girly for that hard-core stuff. She belongs in a pussy-band.

2. Revive Kojak. Yeah. That's what TV needs. Britney Spears as the female Kojak. She's way cuter than Telly Savalas ever was (although, Crabbie did used to have a bit of a crush on Telly; there was something about the bald head and lollipop). Of course, you'll have to re-write the character a bit for Britney. I don't think the viewing public would buy her as a tough-as-nails police detective. Maybe she could be a decorator or something. Or a dog-groomer who solves really simple mysteries.

3. Become a Curly impersonator. Because who doesn't love the Three Stooges? Uh, actually, Crabbie doesn't. In fact, I can't think of anything lamer than a bunch of fat, stupid guys poking each other in the eye. Of course, if Britney became Curly, then it would be funny. And then if she could recruit some of her pals to be Larry and Moe - maybe Xtina as Larry and Jessica Simpson as Moe. That would be fricking hilarious. Although, I don't know if it would be a great idea to encourage those three to engage in simulated violence. It would be too easy for it to become real violence. And it would be a real shame if Xtina were to have her eye poked out.

4. Star in a film version of One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. Britney as a simple man trying to survive in a Soviet detention camp. She could win an Oscar. Of course, she'd have to drop some pounds for the role. And grow a penis. That could be tough. All right then, maybe a different role. Like Joan of Arc. Yeah, Britney as the heroic young religious fanatic leading the French into combat against the British. She would kill in that part. Especially if they did it as a musical. Just imagine the courtroom scenes with Bob Fosse numbers. And the burning at the stake scene as a big show-stopping Busby Berkeley extravaganza. God damn. I'm ready to buy a ticket for that right now.

5. Join a pro-wrestling tour. That would be perfect for Britney. She's already got the white-trash cred, plus there's a perfect nickname just sitting there - Bam Bam Britney. How awesome would it be to see Britney fling slutty Stacey Keibler into a turnbuckle, then give her a knee to the solar plexus? Then her manager K-Fed could throw her a folding chair while the ref's back is turned, and she could beat ten different kinds of dog crap out of Stacey, leaving her prone on the mat. Then Britney could climb onto the top turnbuckle for her signature move - the Oops I Flung Myself Through The Air Onto Your Prostrate Form Again. Go Britney! Pin that ho!

6. Move to Seattle and become a street musician. Sure, why not? Britney's probably got a pair of combat boots lying around, and she's already got the tattoos (although she'll probably have to get a lot more, plus stretch her earlobes out and perhaps jam a bone through her septum). What could be better than standing around a drizzly street-corner all day belting out tunes about global warming and the boyfriend you knifed while people drop change into your guitar case? Maybe she could forge a second career for herself this way, gain some respect from all those asshole music critics who fawn over atrocious people like Ani Difranco. Sure. All she has to do is hammer mindlessly away on her battered old guitar while reciting amateurish poetry. And never smile.

7. Become a Buddhist. Clearly, what Britney needs right now is a little balance in her life. Meditation would do her good. Plus I think she'd look really cute in one of those orange toga-deals. And, maybe, she could get a date with Richard Gere. Unless the rumors about Richard are true and he doesn't really care for girls. Of course, changing religions again so soon after becoming Jewish might be a bit dizzying for Britney. Plus it would probably piss Madonna off.

Pssst...Don't Tell Britney

I don't know how aware of things Britney is at this point - most likely she's too heavily-medicated to be very conscious - but hopefully, if she is semi-lucid, she isn't paying attention to the recent activities of her former squeeze Justin Timberlake. Cause Justin ain't exactly acting like a guy who has any interest in getting back with her. No, it was an entirely different former girlfriend Justin was seen hanging out with Friday night - Cameron Diaz.

Now, before you Justin-freaks get your little panties all in a bunch, let me say that, according to witnesses, Justin and Cameron were only being friendly, no smooching or groping or ripping each other's clothes off. The reunion - the friendly reunion - took place in the Whiskey Bar at the Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood. Justin was there with director Martin Scorsese (thought his party-days were behind him; guess not) and eight other people when Cameron came in. "Cameron never joined their table," says the witness. "She just showed up and Justin got up and started talking to her. They were being very discreet."

So, there were no overt displays of affection - nothing intense at least. However, it is reported that they left together, so who knows? Maybe it was back to somebody's place for a little reminiscing followed by hot sex. Or maybe they never made it back to anyone's place. Maybe they just found the first dark spot they could and started humping like randy peasants. Or maybe they found some other people and had an orgy. Maybe, they set up a cardboard cut-out of Britney and had sex in front of it, periodically taunting it. "Hey Britney, look at that. My penis is inside Cameron Diaz. And she likes it. And I like it. She's not fat and crazy like you. She's skinny and crazy."

All right, so maybe I shouldn't kid Britney right now. But I can't help it. It's so much fun.

Britney Digs Dr. Evil

She's way funnier than Mike Myers, though.

Britney Digs Lucas?

Hey, look at the freak...

I'm insane, y'all...

Britney A Kubrick Fan?

What is your major malfunction, Private Spears?

I am...in a world...of shit...

Tony Soprano Does Mardi Gras

James Gandolfini meets the throngs at Children's Hospital in New Orleans. Gandolfini is this year's king of the Mardi Gras parade Bacchus. Bacchus was the Roman god of wine. Who was the Roman god of cocaine, I wonder? Blowus? Gandolfini would probably rather be in the Blowus parade.

Poshy At Disneyland

Poshy takes the nippers out for a day at Disneyland. Wow, I thought Poshy and David were taking over L.A. They can't get Disneyland all to themselves for a day? What kind of fabulously wealthy celebs are they? Losers.

Report: Britney Admitted To Cedars-Sinai Medical Center

Oh No They Didn't! is reporting that, according to a source at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, troubled cueball Britney Spears was admitted there earlier this morning, for reasons that remain obscure. ONTD then says that Britney was only there a short time before being released, and that another source who had contact with her said she seemed "disturbed" and that she was wearing a dark-colored wig.

Developing...

Britney Spears Shaves Her Head Bald

The last few days have been crazy for Britney Spears. First, there was the news that Britney had checked herself into rehab in Antigua. Then came word that she left the place less than 24-hours later. And then, last night, Britney went on some kind of traumatic rampage, shaving her own head at a hair-salon (she called and had the place opened back up after it had closed for the night) then going to a tattoo parlor and getting not one but two new oncological mutilations (a black-white-and-pink cross on her lower hip and red-and-pink lips on her wrist.). X17 has the pictures of Britney doing the job on her hair, as well as some video (they must be getting a lot of hits cause it's taking awhile to load). And, from KABC in L.A., there's this little report (YouTube has been wonky all morning, so I'm not sure this is even working):

All right, so what do we make of this? Britney's gone off the deep end? That would seem a fair assumption. I mean, if all she did was shave her head and get a couple of tattoos, we might just chalk it up to her being drunk and nutty. But the whole checking into and out of rehab thing - that's what's worrisome. That's outside the "she's just going through a hard time" realm. This girl is in serious trouble. Consider the fact that, according to X17, she cried for ten minutes before going into the salon and shaving her hair off. And according to US, Britney evinced other signs of being nearly deranged during the evening: An employee at the tattoo parlor says Britney went nuts after being asked why she'd shaved her head, ranting, "I don't want anyone touching me. I'm tired of everyone touching me." The tattoo employee goes on to say of Britney, "She wasn't making sense at all and you could tell she's not in a good place at all, and that she is totally freaking out." This employee also reports asking Britney at one point about a stain on her handbag, which Britney said was spilled NyQuil.

And then there's this, also from US: Supposedly, after all her hard partying over the weekend, which included the now notorious bikini incident, Britney went to South Florida to be with her boys, Jayden James and Sean Preston. She checked into a Miami hotel with the kids on Monday, intending to stay a week, but after drinking a glass of the Dom Perignon she'd had sent to her room on Valentine's Day evening, she suddenly cut the trip short. After that came the truncated rehab session and now, the hair.

Hmm, it's Valentine's Day night, she's sipping champagne, and suddenly she just up and leaves. Then a couple days later she checks into rehab and checks out again. In the midst of all that, there was the Justin Timberlake crack at the Brit Awards that most sane people have interpreted as a direct message to Britney to clean herself up. Then she goes completely apeshit and shaves all her hair off. Are we to assume Justin had some part in all this? Was Britney just feeling lonely in general on Valentine's Day, when she had the champagne, or was there someone specific she was pining for? And did she check into rehab because of something this someone said, either at the Brit Awards or anywhere else? All right, I'll come out and say it - is all Britney's crazy behavior happening because Justin Timberlake won't get back together with her. Has Britney's frustrated love for Justin driven her just about bonkers?

And what about that NyQuil statement. Mixing alcohol and NyQuil is supposed to be a no-no. My God, you don't think Britney is addicted to NyQuil-and-booze cocktails, do you? According to the NyQuil warning label, "alcohol, sedatives and tranquilizers may increase drowsiness." Could this explain the New Years Day collapse? Everybody's always assumed Britney was taking some kind of drug, but NyQuil? That sounds like something a sixteen-year-old would do. Sneak NyQuil from their parents' medicine cabinet. This story is getting kind of weird.

I'm sure there'll be more later...

Lindsay Shakes The Rust Off

X17 has the "exclusive" pictures of Lindsay Lohan getting back into the swing of the club-life after a month in rehab (I'd post one of the pics here but I hate water-marks, plus I'm afraid of X17). The pictures, snapped outside Teddy's, show Lindsay holding a bag up to hide her face from the cameras - of course no one was fooled (as the X17 folks themselves point out, Lindsay is always recognizable by her water-bottle and AA chips). So, what's the significance of this? I mean, just cause Lindsay was out, that doesn't mean she drank. In fact, the pictures clearly show Lindsay getting behind the wheel while her friends climb into the other seats, indicating that Lindsay was the only sober one in the group. Well, call me cynical, but I just don't believe that Lindsay is serious about beating booze. I don't think she took rehab seriously, and even if she isn't drinking now, I'm positive that in the near-future she will be. There's no way she'll be able to fight the allure of the club-hopping life she loves so well - in fact, she's already back at it. And, sooner or later, those temptations will take hold again. In short order, Lindsay will be back to her old ways. Partying till all hours of the morning. Drinking. Snorting blow. Making mysterious hospital trips. It doesn't matter how many phony rehab sessions she participates in, how many AA chips she wears, how many bottles of Voss she carries around - we all know the truth about these things, that they're part of a charade Lindsay performs so people will think she's not on the sauce. It's so sad and transparent. "Hey, look here. See? AA chips. Bottle of water. I'm sober." Sure Lindsay. And if my grandmother had wheels she'd be a wagon (actually, if my grandmother had anything that would be a miracle, cause she's dead - both of them are in fact).

Britney's Quick Rehab Trip

I think Britney Spears may have deliberately committed herself to the task of usurping Lindsay Lohan as biggest train-wreck in celebland. I mean, she definitely out-did Lindsay for poon-flashage last year; and her well-documented New Year's collapse at least rivaled Lindsay in the area of medical crises (though Lindsay quickly out-did her by having her "appendix out"). Now, Britney has out-shone Linds in another critical area - making a mockery of alcohol treatment. And how did she do it? What could possibly be sillier than Lindsay checking into Wonderland and treating it like a college dorm? How about going into rehab one day and leaving the next? Yeah, that's exactly what Britney did. She entered Eric Clapton's Crossroads facility in Antigua, and left less than 24 hours later. Of course, none of Britney's people will confirm this - perhaps because Britney has no people left.

Two questions present themselves immediately: 1) What happened that made Britney suddenly decide to head to Antigua and check herself into rehab; and, 2) What happened at Crossroads that made Britney do such an abrupt 180? I have no idea, but that isn't going to stop me from speculating. First, question 1: Why check in now? Well, maybe Britney suddenly had an epiphany. You know, one of those moments of clarity we all experience. Maybe, for an instant, she realized what a mess she's making of herself, and decided to go into treatment. Could this abrupt realization have had anything to do with Isaac Cohen's interview with News of the World in which he detailed some of Britney's wacky, paranoid behavior I wonder? Or maybe she was sent off the deep end by Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline's chumminess. You know, seeing them together caused her to go on a bender, and she crashed at the end of it, and just said the hell with it, I'm going into rehab. Whatever the reason for her unexpected desire to get her stuff together, the attempt was an ill-fated one. Because Britney was in Antigua for less than a day. And what exactly caused her to change her mind so quickly? I have a theory about that too. I'm thinking Britney soured on the whole idea of rehab the second they informed her that she wasn't allowed to drink.

The bottom-line is this: Something happened that made Britney think she needed rehab. Then something happened that made her decide she didn't need it. She's obviously on an emotional roller coaster ride. And, as anyone who's been on that roller coaster can attest, that sucker never comes to a nice, gradual halt. That bad-boy tends to either hit a wall or go straight off the edge into the abyss.

Spice Girls Officially Reuniting

In news I've been anticipating with all the excitement of a penile frostbite victim waiting for surgery, The Spice Girls have announced that they are getting back together.

Yes, it's official - Scary, Poshy, Baby, Ginger, Sneezy, Doc and Ringo are re-uniting for a charity concert followed by a tour of Britain. As of now. Of course, things could change. Poshy could suddenly give in to the seductive power of Scientology and decide that being in a pop band is now against the will of Xenu. Or Scary could be murdered by Eddie Murphy. Or Ginger could drop out because she doesn't want to lose her great gig waiting tables. So far, though, the girls have agreed in principle to the plan. So, Spice Girls fans - get out your Union Jack panties and your leopard-print mini-skirts. And the rest of you - just go on as if nothing is different. Cause it isn't.

Jared Leto Don't Cotton To Being Criticized

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. A phrase we all should live by. But there are those who haven't yet taken this advice to heart. Like Jared Leto. He thinks the heat of criticism should be turned down for him - and if he doesn't get his way he's going to take it out on someone. With a baseball bat.

"It sucks," says Leto, the former teen heartthrob who currently belongs to a shitty rock band called 30 Seconds to Mars. "Sometimes you want to take a baseball bat to someone's face. Or maybe their kneecaps - that would probably be more fun. There are some people who might look better if you smacked them in the head with a baseball bat. ... The music is close to us and we can take it personally when we hear something we don't like."

All right Jared, I'm with you this far - it does hurt when someone criticizes you. It happens to Crabbie all the time. People tell me my blog isn't funny, they call me bad names, they accuse me of ripping off other homosexual bloggers. And yes, it sucks. Yes, I wouldn't mind taking a blunt object to the skulls of these individuals. Because I take my blogging very seriously; I try my best to always post funny and hopefully insightful things. So when people just trash it - well, it burns me up. However, unlike you Jared, I don't actually get into physical altercations with people. Like the time you choked Elijah Wood. All because he said he thought your band sucked? Grow up, Jared. I mean, if your band is really as hot as you think it is, what fricking difference does it make what one goofy little actor thinks? Seems to me that, if a person gets so hacked off over criticism that they resort to physical violence, this would tend to indicate that deep down they know the criticism is valid. They know they suck. And that's really your problem, isn't it Jared? Not that they rip your stuff, but that you know you deserve it.

Now, I haven't actually heard your band, Jared, but given the fact that it's your band, and you're a dipshit, I'm going to conclude that it must be the worst band in the history of the world. Worse than Motley Crue. Worse than the rock band Vanilla Ice started after he gave up rapping. And as for you, Jared - let's face it, you are a pitiful specimen of a human being. You choked Elijah Wood for God's sake. And now you make threats against rock critics? Yeah, I know, I said I wouldn't mind hitting some people in the head too - the difference is that I have no history of violent temper-tantrums, so there's no reason for people to believe I would ever actually do it. You, on the other hand, do have a history. Which means we have no choice but to take you at your word when you say you want to brain someone with a wooden stick. I for one can see it happening. Jared Leto Bashes Music Critic To Death. Boy, you'll be really gratified then, won't you Jared? Yeah, you'll have gotten all your little frustrations out. Of course, you'll also be headed to prison for life, but hey, think of all the great gay sex you'll get to have. And we know how much you love gay sex, Jared. Hot, steamy gay sex. It's what you live for, isn't it?

Oh, and by the way Jared - after you get done clobbering that poor critic? Your band will still suck. But, brutes figure, if they can't win an argument, the next best thing is to injure the person. And that's all you are Jared - a brute. A mindless, gay-sex-loving cro-magnon piece of shit.

Video Of Paris Getting Stuff Chucked At Her

She said afterward it was "no big deal." I dunno. She looks pretty rattled to me.

Paris Goes Skiing

Paris Hilton has moved on to the resort town of Ischgl after her appearance in Vienna. We're happy Paris is having a good time, especially after the recent unpleasantness, but um...who the fuck has a press conference while they're on vacation? Paris, who cares? Just go ski. Or find some Bavarian goat-herder to screw or whatever. I mean, honestly - a press conference? What do you have to say? "I had a really great time getting hit in the face with cigarettes in Vienna." Take a hint Paris. People hate you. The next time, they might douse you with gasoline and throw lit cigarettes. Then "that's hot" will take on a whole new meaning, won't it?

Johansson Gets Hasty Pudding Award

Scarlett Johansson is honored as Woman of the Year by Harvard's Hasty Pudding troupe. And what exactly did Scarlett do in the last year to earn this distinction? Well, she appeared in a couple of movies, the utterly atrocious Scoop (worst Woody Allen movie since, well, Woody's last movie), and the magician flick The Prestige, which Crabbie thought was really good, but not because of anything Scarlett did. Otherwise, Scarlett broke up with Josh Hartnett, pissed off the tenants in her building by smoking, got in a pissing match with Andrew Lloyd Webber, and generally went around acting like she expects to be openly admired by every mortal she comes in contact with. Well, I guess she deserved that award then, huh?

Paris Pelted In Vienna

Paris Hilton is not only reviled in America - there are a lot of people in Vienna who don't care for the publicity-grubbing harlot either. Paris found this out, the hard way, when she made an appearance at a shopping mall the day of the big Viennese Opera Ball. Yes, there were plenty of adoring fans there, but there were lots of Paris-haters too, and they were happy to make their presence known - by pelting Hilton with cigarette packs and lipsticks. But Paris, in her usual oblivious way, took the whole thing in stride, saying to the throng, "Hello everybody, it's so good to see you. Happy late Valentine's Day!" before being shuffled away by security. Afterward, Paris declared the incident was "no big deal."

Of course, Paris is not unfamiliar with the experience of being hit with stuff. We all remember the time she got nailed in the face by a hunk of ice:


And there have been other incidents too. Like the time she was struck by a pack of Camels: