Who The Hell Is Jessica Biel Screwing?

Jessica Biel's the hottest thing in show-biz right now, at least going by the number of male celebrities who want to add her to their list of conquests. In just the last week, Biel, star of the acclaimed mystery The Illusionist, has found herself targeted by not one but two heat-seeking Hollywood bedroom-missiles - hunky actor Ryan Reynolds, and well-known sex addict Wilmer Valderrama.

Last week, Page 6 declared that Biel and Valderrama looked like "a hot new couple" when they danced together at the Rose Bar in the Gramercy Park Hotel. "They were in deep conversation," reported a witness. "Then, Latin music was playing and he twirled her about. They seemed to be together all night." But today, Just Jared says that Biel was in the company of Reynolds on Oscar night, and that the two of them left the GQ Oscar party together.

Now, it would be really easy to call Jessica Biel a slut right here, especially since she allegedly also had relationships with Justin Timberlake and baseballer Derek Jeter recently, but I'm not going to go there. I don't think Jessica is a slut - I think she's just picky. I mean, girls - you know how you are. You walk into a clothing store or something, and what, you just grab the first thing your eye falls on? Of course not. You've got to browse. You've got to try different stuff on. You've got to try something on, put it back, then try something else, then take the first thing and try that again, then end up buying neither. And why should Jessica be any different? All right, granted, we are talking about men here, which is somewhat different than clothes - but not all that different, really, when you think about it. I mean, for Jessica, who can have about any man she wants, picking a boyfriend probably is a lot like shopping for clothes. You know, there's more to consider than just whether something is comfortable. You've got to look good in it. It's got to make you feel sexy. So, Jessica is just shopping around, looking for the right fit. Timberlake - yeah, he was a little too harsh for her. Jeter - too ordinary. Valderrama - kind of second-hand, sort of scratchy, not really a great color. Reynolds - ooh, Jessica would look really good with Ryan Reynolds on her. He's totally hot, and for once Jessica would actually be the feminine one in the couple. I think we have a winner folks!