Arrival pics below.
Show pics below.
7:58 PM - All right, I'm all ready to live-blog the stupid Grammys. Was going to do the red-carpet, then found some socks that needed sorting. Did Angelina Jolie show up to make Seacrest look like an idiot again? I hope tonight's presentation doesn't go too long. I need my beauty sleep.
8:03 - The big Police reunion everyone's been waiting for. Gee, a bunch of old men playing rock and roll. Isn't that thrilling.
8:07 - Jamie Foxx frightens white people. What am I talking about? He practically is white.
Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder. The old leading the blind.
8:10 - Joan Baez? I thought she shaved her head and became a Buddhist. The Dixie Chicks. They're still not ready to make nice. But I'm ready to shoot myself rather than listen to their awful song.
8:12 - Joan Baez. The Dixie Chicks. Jamie Foxx making jokes about crip walking. I bet this is going over great in Kansas.
8:18 - Prince. I wonder if he's going to punch Justin Timberlake.
Hey look, it's Beyonce. The chick who wasn't nominated for an Oscar. Why is she standing in the middle of a target? I want her wig to fall off.
8:21 - They started clapping before Beyonce was done. You know that pissed her off.
Fergie's trying to read off a teleprompter. Sort of painful. Maybe next time they should choose someone literate.
8:24 - Jesus just called Mary. He wants you to stop mentioning his name.
Oh God. She's turning it into a therapy session. Would someone hit this bitch with a tranquilizer dart?
8:27 - Bringing an American Idol element to the Grammys. Gee, how...dumb.
God these bitches suck.
8:33 - The words just flowed out, hey Justin? Kind of like when you have the runs.
Wow, Timberlake can count to four. He can't hit a note though.
8:38 - Jesus God. Timberlake's face looked like it was coming right through my screen. I tried punching him and broke my hand.
8:40 - Jesus doesn't care bitch!
Just write a self-help book then, Blige. God damn it. How many more things is she nominated for? I can't take it.
8:50 - Now begins the boring part of the evening. Guess I'll go take a long dump.
8:52 - Everyone keeps telling me how great John Legend is. This sounds like the theme to a fricking Disney movie.
8:54 - Look, it's white bluesman John Mayer. Yeah, this guy's really got soul. You can tell because his guitar is all scuffed up. Poseur.
9:06 - They pretended they were going to sing a slow song, then they started jumping around and stuff. That's so clever.
Wyclef Jean keeps grabbing his package. Is he afraid he's going to drop it?
9:09 - Burt Bacharach? Go make another lame Geico commercial.
Not Mary J. Blige. Please God.
9:11 - George Bush just choked on another pretzel.
9:12 - Not speechless enough, you fat little terrorist-loving freak.
9:18 - Gnarls Barkley. Is this some kind of novelty act? Why are they dressed like airline pilots? I'm so glad I'm not in touch with today's youth, otherwise I would like lame things like this.
9:24 - Come on Kanye. Say something terribly inappropriate.
Ooh, Kanye poked fun at himself. Don't care. He's still a douche.
9:25 - Ludacris wins. Bill O'Reilly shits his pants.
Did he just call his own record a masterpiece? Wow, humble guy.
9:33 - Why did they cut to Tarantino after announcing Maria Callas's lifetime-achievement award? Is he a big Maria Callas guy?
Mary J. Blige really needs to stop talking. Honestly, we don't care about your problems, okay Mary? We don't care if you're in a better place in your life now. We don't want to hear about your peaks and valleys. You are a yammering twit.
9:39 - Mandy Moore is gigantic. Seriously. She makes Luke Wilson look like a Hobbit.
I hope Jared Leto isn't there tonight, or he may punch Luke Wilson.
9:42 - The Dixie Chicks keep tip-toeing around making some kind of political remark. I'm getting sort of sick of their veiled references. Somebody pour some booze into those bitches and maybe they'll say what they really mean - that George Bush is a murdering fascist, and that country music fans are all a bunch of slobbering, eight-toed illiterates.
9:49 - Is this the Grammys or Hee-Haw? Where's Grandpa Jones and Junior Samples?
9:52 - It's Hell, pal.
9:57 - The Eagles are only good if you're high.
10:01 - You could see Carrie Underwood being led back to her seat behind Natalie Cole and the old jazz guy.
Underwood won. Now everyone hates her more.
10:09 - Smokey Robinson's eyelids no longer work.
10:11 - Hey Lionel, where's Nicole? Probably passed out in a puddle of her own sick. Great parenting there, pal.
"Hello, is it me you're looking for?" Yes, Lionel. I'm looking for you. My name is 1982.
10:14 - Is this a Grammy performance or is some kind of gang war about to break out? Jesus, who thought this was a good idea?
Wow, they found someone worse than Lionel Richie. Good work.
10:17 - Aguilera's gonna need her throat swabbed.
Damn it, my parrot just died.
10:20 - Yup, it was a James Brown song. He was black. Jamie Foxx is also black. Damned observant, Grammy camera folks.
10:26 - Why are all violin players Asian?
10:28 - Ooh, the dead-people reel. My favorite part.
10:33 - No Anna Nicole Smith tribute? She did such a fabulous rendition of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean.
10:38 - Ludacris kickin' the Dean Martin look. God, this song sucks.
10:41 - What's the difference between a good rapper and a bad one? It's not a joke - I'm honestly asking. How can you tell the difference?
10:43 - James Blunt. This guy makes James Taylor seem uplifting.
How appropriate was that, going from Ludacris to a guy named "Blunt."
10:47 - Everyone's going to be talking about the Red Hot Chili Peppers' performance tomorrow. Why? Are they going to wear socks on their dicks?
10:52 - Great. Amateur hour. I don't mean the chick either.
Did Timberlake just break out some of his old N'Sync moves?
10:56 - Justin Timberlake makes me ashamed to be white.
10:59 - Tarantino makes me ashamed to be human. Just give out the damn award.
Come on Dixie Chicks. Call George Bush an ogre.
11:01 - The Grammy people are making a political statement by giving all these awards to the Dixie Chicks. How transparent.
11:03 - Well, I didn't have too bad of a headache - until Quentin Tarantino. Now I'm ready to drill a hole in my skull. Could we just wrap it up already?
11:09 - The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Am I going to get the shits if I watch this?
Why is everyone going to be talking about this tomorrow? Because it sucks more than anything in history?
11:12 - Look at all the confetti. It's like a thousand Rip Taylors exploded.
11:14 - Al Gore is fatter than Queen Latifah.
11:15 - Al Gore had a piece of confetti stuck in what's left of his hair.
Will Ferrell is in the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
11:23 - Henley and Johansson are the new Nichols and May. Or not.
All right, we get it. The Dixie Chicks said something bad about George Bush and have become heroes of the left. Show-biz people are so full of it.
Is one of the Dixie Chicks married to Nathan Petrelli?
Good night Scarlett. You fabulous whore.
Sunday, February 11, 2007