Jailbird Michael Lohan has sent his rehabbing daughter Lindsay a letter from the big house. And, of course, this letter has gotten out to the press. Funny how things like that happen, isn't it? A private letter finding its way onto the Internet. Almost makes you think there might be some people who don't want their private stuff kept private. Anyway, here's the full text of the letter, so you may also bask in the brilliance of Michael Lohan's love:
I'm so proud of you in that you are taking back control of your life and putting it back on track like God wants. Now it's time to "clean house," in every sense of the word, and start anew.
As I've always told you Linds, you are blessed and God wants you to use your blessing to set an example and bless others through it as well. - You have such a kind and loving heart, which is more valuable than the world has to offer. You know that, God knows that and so do I - I've seen it in so many tears we've shed on each others' shoulders, through the love, pain and while helping others. Remember the boy in the wheelchair while we attended ABC Primetime at Disneyland, or how about the little girl with cancer at Leigh Valley Hospital? We sow in tears but can reap in joy Lindsay. But it's all up to us. The treasure is in your heart and that's where it belongs.
What you are going to learn now is that turning to God is the most important part of turning it all around. Living by the truth, God's principles and people who do the same. Make that searching moral inventory and "clean house." Then fill it with love, forgiveness and all that you know is right by God rather than man. People, places and things are huge factors Lindsay, remember that. Believe me, I know! This is a walk you will make with God and a choice of your own. And anyone who offers you advice to the contrary, or advises you to say or do anything which isn't right needs to find a walk of their own.
I'm not going to point fingers, make excuses or expose anyone, but I will say this: You know the truth, I know the truth, God knows the truth, and while that's all that truly matters, living by the truth is the glue that will hold it all together. God is synonymous with truth, just as Satan is the "father of lies." We follow one or the other, it's as simply as that. It's our choice and one which will dictate the course of our lives. But for one second, don't think that what others do won't effect our lives as well. Sometimes we too suffer for the ones we love. No matter how right we may be. It's all part of the cost of being blessed.
This is your chance my love, start from the beginning. Fill yourself with the kind of love and good, God wants you to have and you'll be blessed more than ever.
My heart is with you sweetheart and so am I. Always was and always will be, to the very end. We are one soul inhabiting two bodies. Two in kind. I feel your love, the pain and your presence as I hope you do mine.
I can't wait for the day to hold you, look in your eyes and reap the joy we sowed with our tears. Until then, know that God is with you, and so am I. - My undying love, Daddy
As you may have guessed, Mr. Lohan has experienced one of those jailhouse conversions. He's now a minister for the Assemblies of God church. I think that's one of those religions that advertises in the back of Hustler but I'm not sure. Anyway, Mr. Lohan is obviously eager to bestow his new-found godly wisdom upon Lindsay. Which is probably the fastest way of chasing her back to drinking and drugging and sexing and all the other stuff she's not supposed to do anymore.
So, if you're Lindsay, this is basically what you have as a support group - a bunch of friends who only hang out with you cause you're famous, some movie producers who only give a damn about you as long as they think you can help them make money, a mother who's a complete neurotic and so deep in denial that the light of reality has been reduced to barely a pin-prick, and a father who's a newly-minted religious nut who fills his letters with little references to the eternal battle between good and evil (God is synonymous with truth, just as Satan is the "father of lies.") and writes completely dopey things like "We are one soul inhabiting two bodies." These are the people who are supposed to be guiding Lindsay through life. A bunch of sycophants and leeches, and parents who both rode the fast train to Loopeyville awhile ago and have yet to buy a return ticket. It's a miracle, if you ask me, that Lindsay isn't even more screwed up than she already is. In fact, I'm starting to believe that Lindsay may be a young woman of immense character and resolve. Because if she's been able to survive twenty years with this load of assholes hanging off her - damn. This girl deserves a medal.
(By the way, Mr. Lohan - please do not tout you and Lindsay's little "selfless" acts of kindness on behalf of crippled children in a private letter that then gets mysteriously leaked to the press. It just makes you look like a complete phony.)