ParisExposed - Like Porn, Only Dingbattier

ParisExposed has hit the web with all the force of a nuclear bomb. All right, a really big regular bomb. Okay, a little bomb. A grenade. A firecracker? A really strong bean-fart. All right, so it's all a little anti-climactic. A whole cache of never-before-seen Paris Hilton stuff that reminds us a lot of the already-seen-before Paris stuff. But hey, they've got entries from her diary! The musings of Paris Hilton. It's like reading the lost journals of Anais Nin. The ones she wrote after suffering a massive head-trauma.

Actually, no one really cares about Paris's diary or her medical records or any of the rest of that stuff. I mean, what can we really learn from them? Paris is a dumb-ass? You don't say. And, oh my God, Paris has herpes. Yawn. No, clearly, all us voyeuristic creeps want to see are the videos. The ones where Paris cavorts around naked, rolls in the sack with handsome hunks, and generally makes an idiotic spectacle of herself. And the videos do not disappoint. They are everything Crabbie expected them to be - amateur-porny and incredibly uncomfortable. And full of Paris doing the only thing in the world she really seems to care about - posing in front of the camera.


It becomes obvious within a few minutes that Paris is a pure exhibitionist. She just can't stop looking into the camera, flirting with it, smiling. I'm guessing that, when Paris was a child, someone must have filmed her a lot. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that, when there isn't a camera around, Paris actually feels a bit lost. She doesn't know what to do with herself when that little magic eye isn't staring at her. Which is why she feels compelled to film everything. Her little bedroom romps with men like the above. What, is she trying to preserve the moment for posterity? Hell no. She just wants the camera on her, so she can show-off in front of it like she's been doing practically since birth.

Come on Paris - share, will ya? Jeez.

She really does have a nice body, doesn't she? And him - don't even get me started on him.

Of course, Paris isn't only about sex. She has a comic side too.

The smoking a tampon bit. Hilarious! Paris, you are a card.

And of course, Paris has other facets to her as well. She's doesn't have to be sexing or yukking it up all the time. No, there's an artistic side to Paris. She's an actress - and a serious one at that. Thanks to ParisExposed, we get the rare privilege of seeing a true genius at work:

Trust me, this is not a still from Paris's video-blog - this is her practicing her lines from a movie. She seems to be playing a college student. At one point she talks about her French Lit professor going into a diabetic coma. And she demonstrates her vast expressive talent in moments like this:

No one makes that face like Paris.

So, we've seen Paris the sex-machine, Paris the artiste. But where's Paris taking a bath?

See? She does bathe. And you didn't believe it.

Oh, and she showers too.


Yup, Paris can't even take a shower without some jag-off filming her. And this guy's a master cinematographer too. Never misses the money shot:

That Paris - she is all about subtlety. And class. And letting us see her goods just for the hell of it.