We all know Paris Hilton loves animals. Her dog Tinkerbell was once her constant companion (until Tinkerbell got a new agent who told her not to be seen with her so much), and of course there's her well-publicized relationship with Brandon Davis. But, until now, we had no idea just how much Paris loves animals, particularly her pet monkey Brigitte Bardot.
Yes, Paris has a pet monkey named Brigitte Bardot - the layers of irony here are almost too numerous to catalogue (given that Ms. Bardot is a well-known animal-rights activist, and Paris has consistently been attacked by PETA for being a terrible pet-owner). And Paris, who has allegedly taken a vow of celibacy when it comes to humans, says that she often sleeps with Brigitte. Which doesn't necessarily mean they're having sex, I realize; it just means that Paris likes to curl up with her monkey and take a snooze from time-to-time. Which is perfectly innocent and sweet. And at the same time oddly creepy and disturbing.
I wonder if Paris realizes that monkeys bite. Actually, didn't she get bitten by Baby Luv her kinkajou once? And how many times has Tinkerbell thought of taking a hunk out of the bitch I wonder? According to Paris, she also has several other dogs, a cockatoo and a ferret. That's quite a menagerie. I personally wouldn't trust a single one of the miserable creatures. One of these mornings, if Paris isn't careful, she's going to open her door to go get some orange juice and there's going to be a ferret and a kinkajou standing there armed with little machine guns. And then the cockatoo's going to swoop in like one of those biplanes in King Kong. And then Brigitte Bardot and Tinkerbell in a tank with a PETA bumper-sticker on it. I can already see the headline: Paris Hilton Ambushed, Killed By Angry Pets. I mean it Paris. One second they're your friends, and the next they're ordering weapons from some bankrupt former Soviet republic and drawing up a revolutionary manifesto.
Friday, January 05, 2007