Naomi Campbell needs image therapy. Fast. Because the last couple of years have been nothing but negative pub for her. Really negative pub. Horrendous temper-tantrums leading to actual physical assault negative. On January 16, she was even sentenced to anger-management and community service for attacking one of her maids. A slap-on-the-wrist to be sure, but enough of a splash of cold water in the face to awaken Naomi to the need for a new direction in her life and career.
And that's exactly what Naomi's doing - getting her life and career back on-track. First up, Naomi's life. That would seem to be pretty much of a Hindenburg-sized disaster at this point. I mean, every time somebody even looks at Naomi crooked, that person ends up with a cell-phone in the mush. Obviously, Naomi needs help with her anger issues. And whom do you turn to when you've got problems controlling your temper? Dr. Phil? A pill-bottle? Scientology? All too prosaic for Naomi. No, issues as big as Naomi's need outside-the-box solutions, and thankfully she's got one - Candomble.
No, I did not make that word up. That is a real word. Candomble. According to Wikipedia (the only place Crabbie goes for info), Candomble is an African religion, now practiced chiefly in Brazil, that involves the worship of a number of gods, and rituals that include things like people festooning themselves with colorful costumes and slaughtering animals for feasts. Sounds like fun. I'm a little hazy, however, on how any of this is supposed to help Naomi's anger problems. I guess maybe it's a faith thing. Naomi seems to believe in this stuff anyway; in fact, she jetted off to see her guru in Rio right after being sentenced in New York. This guru will have to be a miracle-worker to do anything about Naomi's temper - in fact, I think the guy will be lucky not to wind up with a phone rammed up his butt and a stiletto heel protruding from his eye-socket.
Of course, Naomi needs more than just to get her emotional life squared away - she also needs career rehab. And to that end, Naomi is reportedly getting ready to drop her agency, One Model Management, in favor of IMG. The model is also turning to her lawyer, Bernie Cahill, to help in managing her career. And what exactly are these changes supposed to do? Well, nothing in fact. But this is the way it goes in the world of celebrity. You screw up, bad, get yourself put in front of a judge who fortunately lets you off, and what's the first thing you do? Fire your agents? Why? Because they turned you into a maniac who can't keep her hands to herself? This is so typical of the star mentality. I do something wrong, get caught, my career takes a hit, and it's all the fault of my people. If they had done their jobs better, then my image wouldn't have been so tarnished. I wouldn't be the butt of jokes if only those jokers had done a better job of damage-control. Never would it cross Naomi's mind that maybe she should hold herself accountable for her own foolishness.
And the whole "turning to religion" thing is also such a predictable, bullshit move. This is what so many stars do when they get caught being jerks - they say they've re-connected with their spirituality, as if this fact alone should make us forget what assholes they are. The other popular variation on this, of course, is "turning to your family." I remember Russell Crowe after his own phone-throwing fiasco talking about how being away from his wife and kids caused him to act that way, and he was going to step away from show-biz and be with them more. Because if you're a family-man then you're above criticism. These people are pathetic, and what's worse, their moves are predictable. If one of them really wants to knock my socks off, maybe they could - gasp - admit they screwed up.
Monday, January 22, 2007