Daytime T.V.'s answer to Methuselah, Price is Right host Bob Barker, has announced that he will be retiring effective next year.
Barker has been grabbing models' asses backstage of the wildly popular guess-the-price program for 35 years now, but has actually been in TV for fifty, beginning his career in 1956 on Truth or Consequences.
Barker will be sorely missed, especially by fat black women.
Daytime T.V.'s answer to Methuselah, Price is Right host Bob Barker, has announced that he will be retiring effective next year.
The great and beneficent entity known as Angelina Jolie has gotten into a kerfuffle over her support of a possibly shady Cambodian aid group.
The director of the group, Cambodian Vision in Development, one Mounh Sarath, claims Jolie has reneged on a promise she made to provide the organization with funds to help the poor downtrodden people. Jolie, however, says the group misused the money she had already given them, and that she may take legal action.
"We are considering filing a lawsuit to recover the hundreds of thousands of dollars that is missing and which he [Sarath] was responsible for," says Trevor Neilson, Angelina's political advisor.
Since breaking her relationship with Cambodian Vision in Development, Jolie has started her own organization with an eye toward...
Hold on a second. Angelina Jolie has a political advisor?
What the hell does she need a political advisor for?
Oh my God. This bitch really does think she's Queen of the World.
Seriously. Any day now I expect to find out that Jolie has bought a tract of land in some Asian hellhole and is planning on starting her own country. Angelinastan. With Brad Pitt as the King and Madonna as the Margaret Thatcher-like prime minister. And an army of adopted African children that have been raised in the great warrior tradition that they might protect Angelina and her new magical kingdom. And of course Jon Voight will not be welcome there. In fact, Angelina might just have her elite soldiers track down her estranged father and poison his Coco Krispies.
Political advisor. Angie, honey. Come back to us.
24 star Elisha Cuthbert is out shopping in L.A. She appears to need something from her Bed, Bath & Beyond bag. Urgently. But what? Freak-repellent for the hulking figure with the pink thumbnail in the upper-right corner (Oh my God. Is it Katie Holmes?)?
She appears to be yelling something. Like insane street-people often do. By the way, dig the shirt Elish.
Um, now Elisha would appear to be having a full-on psychotic episode. Who knew trying to dig something out of your over-sized shopping bag could be so stressful? Heroically, she has still not dropped her blue thingy.
Moments after this she was kidnapped by terrorists. Not really.
New York residents have been warned to be on the look-out for a crazed ex-movie starlet who has been wandering the city disguised as Christina Aguilera. The insane person, who sometimes goes by the name "Tara Reid," has been approaching strangers at random and offering to perform sexual favors. Most of the accostees have fled quickly in the opposite direction, but a few of the more near-sighted ones have been fooled by "Reid's" disguise. One unfortunate victim testifies to being led into an alley, forced to strip at knife-point and robbed. And they never got their blow-job. Police say that the Aguilera bandit can easily be identified by the stench of booze, and the flies buzzing around her crotch.
(the preceding was fabricated. so don't start telling your friends Tara Reid is running around New York dressed as Christina Aguilera.)
Paris Hilton, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker were all present at Hugh Hefner's Halloween party over the weekend. Sadly, there were no reports of violence.
Everyone's been posting these pictures of Jessica Alba apparently being fucked in shallow water by her boyfriend Cash Warren. Normally, these sorts of rhythmic gyrations would attract the notorious hammerhead shark, but thankfully Jessica was wearing her extra-strength shark repellent, also known as Vera Wang perfume.
Eyewitnesses spotted Sharon Stone making out with super-hot basketballer and ex-Mr. Vanessa Williams Rick Fox at Hyde on Saturday night. Then the place had to be emptied out because of the sea of vomit that suddenly spread across the whole joint.
Speculation is running rampant as to Anna Nicole Smith's plans for her son's remains should she get thrown out of the Bahamas per the wishes of certain local politicians. US Weekly phrases the question thusly: "Will Anna Nicole Exhume Her Son's Body?" I would've gone for, "Will Anna Nicole Grab a Shovel and Dig Up Her Son's Smelly Corpse and Fold it Up and Shove it In Her Travel Bag?" But that's just me.
Here's a picture of Madonna and David Banda, aka the Human Louis Vuitton Handbag:
He's a cute little nipper. Hope he grows up happy.
By the way, do Kabbalah followers believe in circumcision?
Super-hot Crash star Ryan Phillippe and his little bridge-troll wife Reese Witherspoon have separated after seven years of marriage.
An official statement from the couple's rep: "We are saddened to announce that Reese and Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time."
Respect their privacy and the safety of their children? What, are they worried somebody might take advantage of the situation to attempt a kidnapping?
I think I see a pattern emerging with these celebrity marriages that break up. It happened earlier this year with Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe too. These hot young couples seem so happy together, but underneath there's all this simmering resentment, because the woman is far more accomplished than the man. I mean, Hilary wins two Oscars, and what does Chad Lowe do? Win Employee of the Month at Costco? And then at the ceremony, Hilary doesn't even bother to remember the poor schlub.
It wouldn't surprise me to find out that what finally broke Ryan and Reese up was that Oscar Reese won. I mean, sure, Ryan's movie won Best Picture, but that was an ensemble piece, and Ryan wasn't even nominated for an acting award. Reese, meanwhile, is garnering individual accolades like there's no tomorrow. That's a lot for a man to stand, especially one as obviously loaded with testosterone as Ryan. Having to sit there smiling pleasantly while your woman beats your ass at the thing you both do. The male ego is a pretty fragile thing, you know.
Pregnant lesbian Marcia Cross doing some shopping at Whole Foods Market (where all the stuck-up organic-food assholes go). I'm guessing they don't sell Double Stuf Peanut Butter Creme Oreos there (unless there's such a thing as organic Double Stuf Peanut Butter Creme Oreos).
Looks like somebody's getting roses. Ain't that romantic?
By the way, TMZ has a story on some nude photos of Marcia that prove she's a real redhead. TMZ may want to consider changing its name to TMI.
All-time hunk Brad Pitt at the Sheraton Universal, talking up his new movie Babel. He looks so happy without that blood-sucking witch Angelina around.
Mmm. Brad's listening face. The one he uses when Angie starts in about the orphans.
Ooh, Brad looks a little tired around the eyes. Might be time for a touch-up.
Lost star Evangeline Lilly out and about. Does "pert" even begin to cover it?
Yup, it's a butt.
Uh-oh. Hope they didn't steal anything important (like the scripts for the next two seasons of Lost, which finally reveal that the whole stupid show has been nothing but a fucking put-on since the beginning).
Sources have told TMZ that stick-figure/reality-star Nicole Richie collapsed while hanging out at hip L.A. nightspot Hyde early Sunday morning.
Richie allegedly passed out somewhere around 2 a.m. The club's manager wanted to call 911 but Richie's friends convinced him not to, and carried her out the back door of the club instead.
Richie's rep says she was indeed at the club, but that the alleged collapse never happened.
Richie, you may recall, recently checked herself into a treatment center in hopes of solving her lack-of-weight issues.
Someone should probably explain to Nicole that if you intend on staying out all night partying at trendy clubs, you might want to consider taking nourishment during the daytime so you don't, you know, keep passing out.
Lindsay Lohan is officially nuts.
I almost feel guilty for reveling in her agony. Almost.
It's a question that's sure to vex us for years to come: Is starlet Hilary Duff the illegitimate child of famed hotelier Leona "Queen of Mean" Helmsley?
I was going to call up my favorite medium, Madame Cleopatra, and have her make contact with the spirit of Helmsley in hopes of gaining some insight into the situation. Then I was informed that Leona Helmsley is not in fact dead. You learn something every day.
By the way, you may be wondering where I got this outrageous idea from. Well, to tell the truth, I didn't really get it from anywhere. I was just looking at that picture of Hilary Duff, and suddenly it struck me that there was a teensy little resemblance to Helmsley (I admit that I had just poured myself not my first glass of Pinot Noir for the evening; oh, who am I trying to kid, I'm drinking it straight from the bottle).
This is the sort of thing that happens to the Crabster sometimes on a Sunday night.
It is Sunday isn't it?
God damn it, Hilary Duff. Why do you haunt me so, with your linebacker shoulders and wonky left nostril? And the scowl that's come to permanently take up residence on your freakishly broad face?
You are Leona Helmsley's daughter aren't you, you scamp?
Camera-crazy starlet Lindsay Lohan, whose medical problems have often made the news in recent months, is revealing shocking details about the night in 2004 when she thought she was going to die from a combination of bulimia and drugs.
The horrifying episode took place at the home of her former boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama. Says Lindsay, "I lay there screaming, throwing things, because the pains were so intense in my head and my liver. In the end I didn't even have the strength to take a shower. ... I ended up in hospital. My liver was swollen and I had a kidney infection and my white blood cells were accelerated. I was really, really white, like a ghost, and my legs were so numb from not walking. ... It was terrifying. But going through shit makes me that much stronger."
And what has Lindsay learned from her sobering experience (besides the fact that hanging around with Wilmer Valderrama isn't good for you)?
"Sometimes being that thin doesn't look healthy," says an older, wiser Lohan. "I kind of didn't realise that. One time when someone asked me if I was OK I just started bawling. I knew I had a problem and just could not admit it. My arms were disgusting. I had no arms. I had people sit me down and say, 'You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself'."
I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope Lindsay has really learned something and isn't just talking shit. I mean, the last thing in the world we want is for Lindsay to die or wind up in a coma or something. That would be terrible. Because, without Lindsay, what the hell would we have to talk about?
Fashion designer Stella McCartney, the daughter of Paul and his late first wife Linda, is red-assed over accusations of abuse leveled against her father by her soon-to-be-former-stepmother Heather "Limpy" Mills.
According to sources, Stella's true feelings about Heather came loudly and angrily to light during a recent confrontation at the McCartney family home. "I'll kill the bitch," the pregnant Stella is reported to have shouted. And in another exchange, Stella allegedly said the following to her embattled father: "I told you she was a bitch. Why did you marry her? She's been a manipulative cow from day one. The cow won't be happy until she destroys all of us and our memories of our mother."
It's like I always say: Never piss off a Wookie.
Project Runway guest judge Tim Gunn has taken some vicious swipes at pop star/trailer-trash icon Britney Spears, calling her "repugnant."
Says Gunn, "Aside from looking as though she's just been dragged out from under a truck that tried to run her over, she always looks like she's in need of personal hygiene."
And according to our old pal Ashlee's nose, sadly accurate:
Poor Ashlee's nose. She just can't get away from smelly hoes.
Ha. A poem.
Paris Hilton is set to be deposed in West Covina Superior Court on January 24th, in connection with a lawsuit filed against her and her cousin Brooke Ashley Brinson by a couple who allege Ms. Brinson, while driving Paris's Mercedes, caused a four-car pile-up on an L.A. freeway two years ago. Paris was not in the car at the time of the incident.
God, I just love writing all that legal shit. Makes me feel so, I don't know, legitimately journalistic.
Oh, I suppose I need to get in a shot at Paris somewhere here. Uh, let's see...Paris is a skank? No, too obvious. Paris is a pothead? That's kind of played out. Hmm...I know, Paris is a no-talent. Nah. Too easy.
You know what? I don't think there's anything left to say about Paris Hilton. Damn. Now what do we do?
Super-couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten on the bad side of Indian officials after an unauthorized landing in a chartered helicopter.
Brad and Angie, who are in India while Angie shoots a movie, were invited by some silly Indian big-wig to attend a festival in Diwali, and had themselves and their three kids helicoptered into the hotel. Unfortunately the landing was not cleared with local air traffic officials, who must now submit a report to the authorities.
So here we go, another case of famous people circumventing the rules just because they don't want to be inconvenienced. They could've driven in, or hired elephants, or ridden on the backs of slaves or something, but no, they had to have a helicopter so the paparazzi wouldn't be able to bother them. Well boo-hoo.
It may look like a watch ad starring a thirty-five-year-old model, but it's just Lindsay Lohan hanging out at a preview of the Baume & Mercier Club Phi 2006 Fall Collection
Is it just me, or does Lindsay always appear to be smushing her lips up against a clear pane of glass?
Mischa Barton and Anne Hathaway hang out at The Fashion Group International's 23rd Annual Night of Stars Gala (damn, that's more of a mouthful than Jake Gyllenhaal's manhood).
Mischa looks like Sienna Miller's fugly, drugged-out little sister as usual. And Anne looks like she's auditioning to play Mr. Ed.
Jude Law and Robin Wright Penn at the London Film Festival photocall for Breaking and Entering. Apparently Jude ran out of shirts with collars. And what's with that devious smirk on his face? Why does this guy always seem like he's one stubbed toe away from a full-on psychotic breakdown? Well, at least Robin appears to be amused by him. Of course she's had a lot of experience with pathetically insecure latent homosexuals. She is married to Sean Penn, after all.
Human hatrack Nicole Richie has entered a "diagnostic treatment program" with the aim of figuring out why she can't put on any weight.
A spokesperson close to Richie told US Weekly that Richie is not being treated for an eating disorder, and a second source told US that the Simple Life star may be suffering from a rare blood disease.
Richie's rep, Nicole Perma, reiterated the "it's not an eating disorder" line, telling E!, "It is important to Nicole that she achieves this goal in a healthy way as this is not a treatment for an eating disorder."
Okay. We got it. It's not an eating disorder.
Hey, everybody, pass it on. Nicole Richie does not have an eating disorder.
Did you hear me? Nicole Richie does not have an eating disorder! So stop saying she does. Now. Or else.
Anna Nicole Smith has already been evicted from her home in the Bahamas. Now a Bahamian politician wants to evict her from the country altogether.
"Clearly, Anna Nicole Smith is not a fit and proper person to become a permanent resident of the Bahamas," said Hubert Ingraham, head of the Free National Movement party and a former Bahamian prime minister. "Her general character and reputation don't commend her for such status."
Her general character and reputation? So you mean gold-digging drug-addled skanks aren't welcome in the Bahamas?
Oh, I see. They're welcome as long as they're just spending tourist money. But you don't actually want them living there.
All I can say is, it's a damn good thing Miami and L.A. don't have these kinds of crazy things going on. Cause those places would be ghost towns in about ten minutes flat (and all the crazy hoes and the men who pant over them would have to go live in, gulp, Wichita).
Is it the cast of Desperate Housewives five years hence? Nope. It's the geriatric crew from Designing Women, a hit back when Reagan was in office.
Remember when people used to think Delta Burke was sexy? Damn, what were taking then?
Oh yeah. Cocaine.
By the way, chick on the left whose name escapes me. Might want to consider a turtle-neck. And Annie Potts. Hate to break it to you sweetie, but that haircut went out with Laura Petrie.
Madonna and her kids (Lourdes, Rocco and David) posing as if they were in some kind of wacky Renaissance painting. Little David seems to be thinking: "Can I go back home to the flies and the cows with the ribs showing through now?"
And what about Rocco? "Someday, I will eliminate all our enemies. Then I will move the family operations to Lake Tahoe and send Fredo to Cuba."
And seriously Madonna. How about an eyebrow-plucking for little Lourdes there. That or throw a burqa on her.
Out-of-control supermodull Naomi Campbell is in trouble with the law yet again.
Campbell, who is already the subject of a on-going assault case involving her housekeeper and a flung phone, has been been arrested in London for allegedly attacking her drug counselor.
The unnamed therapist, who must think she doesn't get paid nearly enough at this point, filed a complaint against Campbell at a central London police station on Wednesday, alleging that Campbell had scratched her all over the face.
A spokesperson for Campbell says it is all a "misunderstanding" that will be "sorted out when the police investigate."
I would suggest locking Campbell up and throwing away the key, but at this point I don't think it would do any good. She would just melt the bars by grabbing onto them and get away.
Nothing short of an exorcism is going to cure this flaming bitch.
Mary-Kate Olsen discovers a parking-ticket on her windshield after a trip to Neil George Salon in Beverly Hills. And her ticket from the fashion-police will be arriving in the mail any day now (please tell me flannel isn't making a comeback).
can't walk to school no more.
God done gone and stole your leg.
Limpy Heather and her plastic gam.
Watch out Heather,
so that dog don't pee on you!
thought she had it made.
Married a Beatle and whammo.
Fame for limpy Heather thanks to Paul.
Watch out Paul,
bitch is a gold-digging shrew!
now she's in the dumps.
Broke up with Paul and every one hates her.
But Heather's got revenge on her mind.
Watch out world,
that Heather's on the war-path now.
got to listen to this twit forever.
Never gonna shut up about Paul hitting her.
And she says Paul hit Linda too.
Watch out Heather,
karma's almost as big a bitch as you.
Madonna is going on Oprah to defend herself for stealing her new Malawian baby away from its father. And all I have to say is, "Somebody call the men in the white coats." (video link)
At what point did this bitch go off the rails exactly? Was it when she decided she was the only English person ever born in Detroit?
Lose the accent Madonna - you sound like a complete asshole!
And Madonna, dearie - do you really think it's a good idea to admit you don't read the newspaper? I mean, we all know you're a total numbskull, but that doesn't mean you have to confirm it for us.
And poor little David Banda, stuck for the next eighteen years of his life with this godless nutbag. Kid would've been better off being snatched in the night by a lonely gorilla.
The gender and name of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's second child have been revealed: It's a boy and its name is Jayden James Federline.
Odds of K-Fed giving up strip clubs and booze to stay home and take care of the kids: 5000-1.
Odds of Britney moving off the couch any time in the next two months: 6000-1.
Odds of Jayden James growing up to be a quantum physicist: 1000000-1.
Courtney Love is now taking credit for talking Pete Doherty into entering rehab (this after she reportedly mentored Whitney Houston through her own drug troubles).
Odds Courtney is telling the truth: 200-1.
Odds Courtney is actually sober now herself: 500-1.
Odds the coroner will be able to identify Love's body as that of a human being after she dies: 10000-1.
Wesley Snipes, in Namibia shooting a movie, has said he will not put his work on hold to return to America and face charges of tax fraud.
Odds Wesley ever sets foot in America again: 20000-1.
Odds Wesley ever has a hit movie again: 30000-1.
Odds Wesley is adopted by either Angelina Jolie or Madonna and made into a sex slave: 3-1.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are officially officially getting married in Italy on November, 18. Officially.
Odds Katie Holmes is lucid during the wedding ceremony: 5000-1.
Odds Tom Cruise wears elevator shoes during said ceremony: Even.
Odds Mr. Spock gets drunk and punches Alf at the reception: 2-1.
Having accused Paul McCartney of physically abusing her, cosmic bitch Heather Mills now says she wants to work for a charity that aids victims of domestic violence.
"She basically wants to make the most of a dreadful situation," said a friend of Mills, "and is determined to keep up her charity work. The charities she's mentioned are Refuge and perhaps Shelter which deals with women, the victims of domestic abuse, who have been forced out of their homes."
These are legitimate charities I'm assuming. Ones that deal with women who have actually been abused, and aren't just saying they've been abused because they want to smear a person at whom they've become bitterly angry. In which case Heather Mills wouldn't seem like a very appropriate spokesperson.
This bitch is great - either she's the biggest liar in the world or a complete psychotic.
Or Paul really did beat her, in which case I might want to avoid getting too cozy on his bandwagon.