A Man Can Look Can't He?

This picture will be all over Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck and the rest of them. It wouldn't be so bad except for Sarkozy's little grin.

Barry's got more Clinton in him than we thought.

Back In The Saddle

Brad Pitt doesn't want a pickle, he just wants to ride on his motorcycle. That's what I got - Arlo Guthrie references.

Suicide By Cop

From Wikipedia: Suicide by cop is a suicide method in which a person deliberately acts in a threatening way, with the goal of provoking a lethal response from a law enforcement officer, such as being shot to death.

This sounds like a perfect description of the way the North Korean Fascist regime is behaving. On the 4th of July they launched a bunch of missiles, clearly meaning to provoke a response, and now they have reportedly begun a cyberwar campaign against the U.S. and South Korea, hacking websites and perpetrating DDoS attacks. Their latest offensive has reportedly resulted in the infection of some 20,000 machines in South Korea, whose data will begin being erased starting on Friday.

Washington and Seoul both say they believe these attacks are being perpetrated by the North Korean government. Of course I suppose it's possible they're wrong - this could just be hackers, maybe trying to start some shit by making it look like the North is responsible - but my money is on the North Koreans being responsible.

If this is their way of going out in a blaze of glory, I suggest we accommodate them before they have the ability to retaliate in any meaningful way. Time to make Pyongyang glow in the dark.

Expensive Freak Show

The city of Los Angeles is reportedly out $1.4 million thanks to the Michael Jackson memorial. $1.1 million of that comes from overtime pay for police - which is good for the cops getting the extra dough, not so great for a city that is already broke.

Donations were supposed to cover some of the costs, but reports say only a few thousand has been raised via the website set up to solicit said funds. Were I the city of L.A. I would make up an itemized bill and mail it to Joe Jackson...but of course he would just conveniently claim he didn't get it.

If L.A. wanted a freak show so bad, why didn't they just hire some sword-swallowers and Octomom and have them stand on a sidewalk?

Take That, Blacks

Congresswoman Shelia Jackson Lee made a big show during Michael Jackson's memorial of the resolution she was going to get passed in Congress honoring the late singer and child molester. Unfortunately, not everyone in Congress is a black woman trying to suck up to a bunch of celebrities. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a white woman (more or less), has intervened on behalf of sanity and put the kibosh on the resoultion.

Pelosi's explanation for shelving the Jackson honor? It would have opened up "two contrary views that are not necessary at this time to be expressed." In other words Nancy was afraid some of her colleagues, like the vocally anti-Jackson Peter King, would turn debate on the resolution into an opportunity for a rant against Jackson and all other diseased pedophiles. Which would've been taken by certain people as a racist attack and...well, it's summer and it's hot, and that's how riots get started.

What would you do?

I had lunch with El Rubio, aka The Blonde. He vaguely resembles Daniel Craig. Wiry and craggy good looks, people. He doesn't seem to realize how sexy he is and appears so comfortable in his own skin. Very attractive qualities to possess.

Big dark blue eyes and a wide smile.

I don't think I am his type. I believe I am firmly in the "friend" category. I enjoyed making him laugh and putting that mile long grin on his face, that's reward enough for me.

We made plans to get together again. It's fun and delicious torture having a hot new friend.

It is so nice to meet someone worthy of a crush, even if it is unrequited. I will never look at Daniel Craig the same way. Wonder if El Rubio is as hot in a man bathing suit as our newest 007? I'll give it some thought. I promise.

[FYI readers: this is Gracie posting, not Crab, so save the gay slurs.]

You're Right Mariah, You Sucked

Mariah Carey has apologized for sounding like a big tub of warmed-over shit at Michael Jackson's cheesy, uncomfortable memorial service.

"Trying to sing today was basically impossible for me," the cow posted on Twitter. "I could barely keep myself from crying. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pull it together and really do it right, but I was literally choked up when I saw him there in front of me."

Actually, what had Mariah upset was that she caught her husband Nick Cannon getting blown by Usher backstage...and he refused to share.

Don't worry though Mariah, you weren't the only one who sucked at the memorial. Every one did. Especially that fool Stevie Wonder with that cornball epic he hammered out. He's blind and I wished I were deaf.

And what about that Middle Eastern kid they dragged out for the affair? What was up with that? Pimping new talent at a memorial? Did Papa Joe Simpson plan the thing or what?

Just using up all the material I didn't get to during the live blog.

Her Pee Smells Like Grapefruit

Gwyneth Paltrow has released another of her insufferable GOOP newsletters, this one detailing the three week juice diet she recently put herself on as a way of making herself even more obnoxious than before.

"As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below," Paltrow writes. "Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox.

"I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing."

And how much did this shady-sounding Junger clown pay you to write this Gwyneth? Oh, that's right, you're too pure and good to take money in exchange for a "newsletter" that's actually an endorsement. What a fraud.

So?

I learned a few of things just now. 1) Edward Furlong is not long-dead like I thought (I must've been thinking of Brad Renfro). 2) Edward Furlong was married to some poor-man's K-Stew by the name of Rachael Bella. 3) It's too late for me to wish them long life and happiness together because they've filed for divorce. Well that's too bad, I guess. Er. I don't know.

Hot Shia(t)

Stop it LaBoof, you're getting me hot. No really. I went through three pairs of underwear just getting this picture posted. That is a hunka man.

He Doesn't Need It Now Anyway

Michael Jackson's family has still not announced where or when they plan on burying the slowly decomposing remains of the famed King of Pop, but I'm guessing they will at least wait until after the Los Angeles County Coroner's office has given back the large hunk of Jackson's brain they've been doing tests on.

"As soon as we are done with the brain, we will return it," said assistant coroner Ed Winter.

No rush Ed. It's not like he needs it. Dead people don't have to think about stuff anymore. That's why it's called resting in peace.

I Kicked Robert Pattinson's Ass

I heard Robert Pattinson was messing with my girl K-Stew's heart, so you know what I did? I found that little fairy and kicked the living shit out of him. I was like Sonny beating the bejesus out of Connie's cheating husband. Garbage can to the head, bitch! I was like Kate Gosselin whipping the living fuck out of one of those stupid kids of hers. Nobody fucks with K-Stew!

(disclaimer: I did not kick Robert Pattinson's ass.)

Sass

This is Angie taking Shiloh and Zahara to dance class. Why do they need to learn how to dance when they are already perfect? I don't know. Anyway, looks to me like Zahara is getting a pretty good mouthful of sass from the white blob. "Whatcho lookin' at nappy?" Can I say "nappy?" Oh fuck it. I just hope these two make Angie's life a hell.

You're Right Victoria, Ignorance Is Bliss

SNL alum Victoria Jackson has lived the last decade-plus in almost complete obscurity...but that has all changed after her bizarre rant against Barack Obama and all his "socialist" cronies, posted on fellow right-wing loon Andrew Breitbart's Big Hollywood website. The words that have catapulted Victoria Jackson back into the public eye:

I woke up in the middle of the night and realized the trick.

You see, evil doesn’t just show up. It disguises itself as something nice; so you’ll let it in. It tricks you.

Murdering babies is called Pro-Choice. Unfair Censorship is called The Fairness Doctrine. Outlandish Taxes and the Death of Freedom is called Cap & Trade. Sounds like Fish & Chips. You gotta figure out the trick.

I’d been wondering why the liberals are so passionate about this Health Care thing. It couldn’t be because they actually care about sick, poor people. If they did, they would visit hospitals, and give ten percent of their gross salaries to Compassion International and World Vision, like us stupid church go-ers do. Biden gave $ 62 to charity last year.

No, there’s gotta be a catch. I guess this question was sitting in my brain and during my sleep, my brain was working on it, because when I suddenly awoke at 3 a.m. I had the answer.

Euthanasia!

Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it. Socialized medicine makes people die. You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, and someone like the DMV person, who can’t speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude, really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare!

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas!

Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn’t like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where’s the public debate between scientists on “Climate Change/Global Warming?”) Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O’s nationalized car be? So… kill off the weak. That’s the plan. Tax the workers to death. Erase the middle class. Sounds like the evil governments we studied in high school long ago. The evil governments were : kings, oligarchies, facist, socialist, and communist. Now it’s called the Obama Administration. Sounds like candy or a rock band.

I was browsing in a Burbank gift shop yesterday and I asked the store owner how business was doing. She smiled, “Well, you know, hit and miss. I’m sure it will be better soon.” The store was empty.

I apologized for not buying anything. “I’m sorry, but my husband now cringes when I order a Hazelnut Iced Coffee at McDonald’s, so I can’t really buy anything.”

Her smile hardened.

“You know, I’ve been speaking at Tea Parties lately. No one seems to know or care that our country just turned Socialist.”

She stared at me like a deer caught in head lights.

I continued, “I don’t like politics, but we have to do something. I’m writing to my Congressmen and Senators now.”

Her teenage assistants with no customers had frozen smiles and frozen bodies.

“Did you know Obama uses our tax payer dollars to pay for abortions?”

She shook her head no.

“He even supports killing 9 month old babies, in the womb.”

She became a ceramic knick knack.

I continued, “It’s called ‘late-term abortion’. Now he’s going to kill sick people and old people. Did you know that Cap & Trade will allow the government to regulate how long we take a shower? And that the “New Health Plan”, happy, happy, will allow the government to decide who lives and who dies?”

Crickets. Dead crickets.

As I opened the door to leave, she shook herself into reality and said, “Thank you and come again.”

The bell jingled as the door shut.

I got into my fuel efficient economy car, with the leopard seat covers, and the bumper that used to have the “I RESIST SOCIALISM” bumper sticker, until it got smashed, and I drove away thinking, “Ignorance is Bliss.”

Victoria Jackson: enlightening braindead book store workers and the kind of people who actually read blogs owned by Andrew Breitbart.

Actually, I agree with one thing Victoria said: evil does come in by disguising itself as something nice. I always thought Victoria Jackson seemed really, really nice.

WTF Mischa?

No that is not Peaches Geldof on the right...it is Mischa Barton. Something has gone horribly wrong with her lately...I mean wronger than things are usually going for her, which is pretty wrong.

Mischa claims that her bloated face is the result of having a wisdom tooth yanked out. Yeah okay but what about the hat and the make-up? Since when does dental work turn you into a droog? Start planning the memorial service.

Dang, That TV Antenna's Higher Than Grandma's

Britney's in Paris with the kids getting them some culture. This is them gaping up at the Eiffel Tower. After this they hit the museums, then went down by the Seine to watch the riverboats floating romantically by. What the fuck am I talking about? They didn't do either of those things. They walked around for awhile giggling at all the funny French people then found a McDonald's. People like Britney shouldn't be allowed out of the country. They're the reason Americans have a bad name everywhere.

Richies In Black

Lionel Richie scored a rare gig - the Michael Jackson memorial - and dragged retarded Nicole (god-daughter of Michael BTW) and her mentally challenged husband (don't ask me to remember his name) along with him. It's like I always say: nothing brings out the Hollywood scum like a chance to fake-mourn. Actually I never say that, but whatever.

On Paris Jackson...

A thought from the Crabster: You can say anything you want about Michael Jackson, but one thing he never did was exploit his kids for publicity. You saw pictures of them out and about of course, but never in that creepy way that you see, for instance, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise. It might've been in Jackson's mind, at one point, that he could help his image - quell those homosexual rumors, for example - by having a brood; never mind that they weren't really his kids - that was something he never intended us to know (hence the pay-offs to people like Debbie Rowe). But clearly, at some point, Jackson's own experiences with childhood stardom must've inspired him to change his mind, and shelter the kids as much as possible from the cold, glaring eye of the media.

That being the case...I wonder what Michael would think of what happened today at Staples Center. His daughter Paris, whose privacy he sought to guard as well as he could, being shoved in front of millions of people, exposed to that horrible scrutiny he knew so well. I'm guessing he wouldn't have been happy. Even though the phony little drama was obviously performed on behalf of him and his tainted image. Seems to me that, even in death, he keeps getting fucked over by his own family. I'm not sure those kids are any better off now than they would've been with him.

Pretty Pathetic Corey

Corey Feldman showed up to the Michael Jackson memorial...dressed in a Michael Jackson get-up. Very appropriate Corey. Just like Jackson's oldest kid chewing gum the whole time. At least the kid had an excuse - he's a kid who was raised by a nutcase.

Creepy And Wrong

The media are referring to Paris Jackson's appearance at the end of today's memorial for her late lamented pedo father as a touching tribute. Well I and my live blog followers watched it and we generally agreed that it was anything but. At best it was a cynical bit of manipulation, at worst a heinous act of child exploitation - in other words, a fitting way to end a Michael Jackson memorial.

The whole moment felt contrived and fake, an obvious attempt at redeeming Michael Jackson's image. "He wasn't the sick freak you people think he was," the moment was saying. "He was a good father who will be missed by his children." Cheesy amateur theatrics. But, the Jacksons specialize in that kind of stuff. In their world, using children is not only acceptable, it's expected. Tigers don't change their stripes.

Oh and by the way, Janet...mix in a salad hon. You're the #1 bread-winner in that family now. Need that shit tight.

How Original

Ignore any reports you may have heard that Courtney Love was off the Crazy Train. She is still as big a mess as ever, as demonstrated by this Page 6 piece:

It only took Courtney Love eight hours to trash her high-end hotel room at The Inn on Irving Place.

While the rocker was visiting New York on June 17 with her 16-year-old daughter, Frances Bean, sources say Love completely ruined her accommodations.

The hard-partying 44-year-old widow of Kurt Cobain left dirty needles and used feminine hygiene products behind, according to sources, and also flooded the floor.

"She caused so much damage in eight hours and wreaked so much havoc. It was actually kind of funny . . . minus the $5,000 in repairs," one insider told us.

Talk of Love's downward spiral has been escalating lately, and she recently gave an interview to Italian fashion magazine Grazia where she said, "I know I've got too skinny. I know I need to sort it out."

Actually Courtney, you don't need to sort it out. Just do whatever you want. It's not like the world would miss you if you, say, got really wasted on some drug no one's ever heard of and leapt out of a 40th floor window screaming "Look at me I'm Underdog!" And don't worry about Frances Bean either. She can take care of herself. She's been doing it since she was four, for fuck sake.

I'm A Monkaaaaaaaaaay...Baby

Prince Harry aka The One Who'll Have to Kill His Brother if He Wants to Be King was at a weekend rock festival when he reportedly got really loaded, dressed up in a monkey suit and jumped on stage with one of the acts.

"According to various moles who were backstage at the O2 Wireless festival in London's Hyde Park," reports Holy Moly, "Prince Harry was a permanent fixture at the side of the stage, getting stuck in to the festivities (and the beers) and generally being an ace bloke, chatting to all and sundry.

"However, on Saturday night Harry decided to take it a step further, and didn't hesitate when invited to join Basement Jaxx on stage during 'Where's Your Head At?', donning a monkey costume to keep his identity secret."

Oh, I remember that Basement Jaxx video. It was full of freaky monkeys. I guess that explains Prince Harry dressing as a monkey and dancing along. As much as it is possible for anyone to explain a member of the royal family, or any other family, doing such a thing.

It must not have been a very good disguise, otherwise I would not be doing this post.

Moving Up The Douchebag Scale

Amber Rose, that freaky chick who was always being photographed hanging off Kanye West like a bizarre bald-headed accessory, has moved on from Kanye and attached herself succubus-like to a higher order of douchebag, Chris Brown.

The New York Daily News says Amber, who may be from another planet, got together with Chris at Diddy's July 4th White Party (a party where everyone wears white and whips people until they pick cotton). "They were holding hands and making out in the shadows," said a spy. "She had her hand on his leg."

And he had his hand on her tentacle. Seriously, that is a weird chick. She makes Lady GaGa look like Kelly Clarkson.

No One To Be Messed With

Embedded video from CNN Video

Debbie Rowe isn't the kind of person you want to mess with, as this video attests. This is probably why Michael Jackson chose her as the surrogate mother for the children that weren't really his. He knew she'd be feisty and kick some ass in case she ever had to. Also, what the fuck did he care if she was a beast, they were never going to have to really fuck.

How's He Wrong?

Congressman Peter King stirred up plenty of controversy with his remarks about Michael Jackson, whom he called a "low-life" and a "child molester," while openly wondering why the media have chosen to obsess over the singer instead of, say, the important headline issues of the day. Of course he is right. The way the media have slobbered over Jackson in the week-plus since his death has been a disgrace. The world is coming apart at the seams - revolution in Iran, a coup in Honduras, a serial killer terrorizing South Carolina - and CNN is almost wall-to-wall Jackson. The only thing the media haven't covered about Jackson is the fact that he was a sick, disturbed individual who touched children. They have been far too busy erecting his statue on Olympus to bother with those trifling details.

That being said...Peter King is almost as big a moron as Sarah Palin. Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn sometimes.

Thought He Was Dead

I honestly thought Jared Leto had died or at the very least moved to Canada. I always think that when some celeb goes months without registering on the radar screen. It's like, "What the hell ever happened to Jared Leto? Did Elijah Wood get revenge on him? Did he finally disappear up Kirsten Dunst's sexy-hole? Did he shave his head and become a fake Buddhist?" Nope, he's still around, looking more like Mark from Roseanne with each passing day.

Shaking With The Figurehead

Obama's over in Russia doing the statesman thing with those dirty former Commies. Here he shakes with Russian president Medvedev who is nothing but Vladimir Putin's sock puppet. Look, they wore the same outfit sorta. That's a weird-looking douchy shake if I ever saw one. Obama grinning like he just fucked a white girl and Medvedev limply letting him grip his hand like he expects to be hauled off and spanked.

I wonder with the Rooskies think of Michelle Obama and her belts which she wears cinched up under her boobs as though she were the female Walter Brennan.

Hope He Likes Pitchforks And Fire

Mass murderer Robert McNamara has died at the age of 93. Ignorant assholes will not know anything about McNarama, who was the defense secretary during the Vietnam War, making him personally responsible for the senseless deaths of untold thousands of people. He was also intimately involved in devising American bombing strategy during WWII, including the decision to firebomb Japanese cities in atrocious terrorist attacks designed to break the will of the civilian population (nothing makes a man feel more like a man than setting babies on fire with napalm).

The 20th Century was indeed a bloody century, and few had more of that blood on their hands than Mr. McNamara, who must've harbored some guilty feelings in spite of his ingenious, mathematical rationalizations. If you ever want to see a great movie about him, and American genocidal atrocity in general, just watch Errol Morris's brilliant The Fog of War.

Look Who's Fat Again

The cheesy snacks are winning. It's okay Brit, we've all been there. You just gotta stop with the hookerwear. Buy yourself some nice mumus.

Trusting Soul

Here's Jon Gosselin's chance to be a hero. He could shove that Roman candle in Kate's twat and light the thing and make a million Moms of the Year happy.

You can tell by Kate's comfortable posture that she knows no such thing will ever happen. He has the guts to cheat on her with college girls, but he would never have the nerve to stick fireworks in her gigi.

Look Who's Together

It's Jon and Kate, hanging out on the 4th of July for the sake of the children. And the photographers. Jon's got a little sandtrap action going there. Maybe Kate could lend him one of her dumb-ass painter's hats, to save him getting a sunburn. Wonder if they snuck off for a little hanky-panky. Sure, they're divorcing, but that doesn't mean that can't still enjoy a quickie in the woods.

Yo Check Out My Tits

It's nice that Beyonce knows which side her bread is buttered on. We all know bitch can't sing or act. Titties come in handy. It also helps to be fucking Jay-Z. I'd like her more if she seemed to realize how fortunate she is, but she's one of those assholes like Mariah Carey who think God touched them.

Rupert Grint Has Swine Flu

Rupert Grint had to leave the set of the next Harry Potter film after coming down with a "mild" case of swine flu, but apparently all is now well with the actor.

"[Grint] has now recovered and is looking forward to joining his fellow cast members at the junket and premieres this week and will then return to filming directly afterwards," said a statement.

Grint's quick recovery comes as a blow to those of us who were hoping the entire cast of Harry Potter would come down with swine flu and die, stopping them from making any more of those stupid fucking movies.

Caribou Barbie

Maureen Dowd takes down Sarah Palin as only Maureen Dowd can. God I love that frustrated old bitch.

My favorite bit:

On the shore of Lake Lucille, with wild fowl honking and the First Dude smiling, with Piper in the foreground and their Piper Cub in the background, the woman who took the Republican Party by storm only 10 months ago gave an incoherent, breathless and prickly stream of consciousness to a small group in her Wasilla yard. Gobsmacked Alaska politicians, Republican big shots, the national press, her brother, the D.C. lawyer who helped create her political action committee and yes, even Fox News, played catch-up.

What looked like a secret wedding turned out to be a public unraveling as the G.O.P. implosion continued: Sarah wanted everyone to know that she’s not having fun and people are being mean to her and she doesn’t feel like finishing her first term as governor.

She can hunt wolves from the air and field-dress a moose, but she fears being a lame duck? Some brickbats over her ethics and diva turns as John McCain’s running mate, and that dewy skin turns awfully thin.

I wish we were through with Palin but I know we're not. You don't push to be famous your whole life, then, just when you've finally succeeded, walk away from it. Unless you're being guided by some higher principle. But Palin has no principles, so we know it's not that.